Wasted (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - Episode 4

1 MORPHEUS: As far back as I can remember, I've always wanted to be the Berry Man.
Half man, half tree.
Utterly pure of sin and immune to all temptation.
Why are you so obsessed with the Berry Man? It's just some toss pot in a costume.
Alison! The Berry Man Festival is a Neston tradition.
It's been going on for hundreds of years.
Yeah, so's Fast & Furious.
It doesn't mean it's any good.
That is absolute blasphemy.
I'm skipping the fete this year.
What? We always get pissed together.
It's not that fun, though, is it? I thought you two had plenty of fun last year.
Behind the petting zoo.
Alison, you'll get pissed with me, right? Love to, I promised I'd do this charity tarot tent for cancer or some shit.
Fuck's sake! Does nobody want to get pissed with me? I will, good sir, but only after You wank yourself off to the dance of the Berry Man? He's an ancient wood spirit and utterly chaste, so he wouldn't appreciate a wank.
So fucking joke's on you, innit? HE CRACKS CAN Think that barmaid will be on the kissing booth again this year? No, she did it last year, and put it this way - Co-op ran out of Zovirax.
Great turnout on the scarecrows this year, Verian.
Oh, thanks.
Listen, a bit of a disaster.
You know Terry Bennett bought all those llamas? Alpacas, yeah.
Well, they got into Mockers' field and, basically, they've killed his horse.
Oh, he loved that horse.
I know.
Mark's distraught and he's pulled out, so You mean we don't have a Berry Man? You can't have a Berry Man festival without a Berry Man.
I know.
It hasn't happened since 1795.
1795.
Fucking hell, guys! What are we going to do? I don't know.
I was going to ask you if you'd do it, Morpheus.
TRUMPET FANFARE Me? Yes! Ooh! Fuckingfucking yes! High five.
No, fuck it - high ten.
BOTH EXCLAIM Come and see me about thefucking costume.
Yes! Bosh! You're in there, mate.
What? Verian? Well, obviously I won't be pursuing that.
Why? Cos you're saving yourself for Alison? No, I don't fancy Alison.
Why? Has she said something? Of course she fucking hasn't.
She never will, so just go over there and sausage Verian.
I will not be sausaging anyone.
Because I've been charged with the sacred office of the Berry Man.
And I will not abuse that power.
Innit just dressing up like a twat and mooching about? He's an ancient wood spirit! DOOR BELL DINGS Closed.
Sorry.
I just need some milk for this little guy.
He's a common pipistrelle bat.
He's hurt his wing so I'm nursing him back to health.
It's what I do.
I rescue bats.
# The smile on your face lets me know that you need me There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never VIDEO GAME DINGS, TRILLS Oh! SHE GAGS I have, uh, soya milk.
It's for my brother.
Stops him farting.
Oh, no.
It's got to be dairy.
I can buy you some.
I can go to the shop right now and bring it to you in your house.
Where's your house? Well, I'd only come if I was invited.
Am I invited? It's not like I need an invite.
I'm not a vampire.
But I would if I had your consent.
I always check for consent.
I'm sure there'll be some at the fete.
Perhaps I'll see you there.
Top bananas! HE CHUCKLES SHE GROANS Fuck's sake.
You all right? Yeah.
Fine.
Look, I'll catch you later, you know, if I've got the time.
MUSIC: Axel F by Harold Faltermeyer VIDEO GAME TRILL Oi! Holy shit.
I thought you weren't coming.
I'mnot.
I'm I'm just checking out the sexy man at the bat tent.
You seen him? Yeah, but I reckon he's got poo under his fingernails.
Yeah.
And I'd clean out every one of them.
Eugh.
Look after my tent for me while I go for a piss? No.
You tried this last year.
You'll leave me here while you go and get drunk.
No, I'm just going to go to the loo.
Do you want anything? From the loo? Yes.
Get me a cider.
From the toilet? Drop the act.
Can you at least show me how you do it? So, do you need to ordain me or give me a turban or something? Nah, it's just a load of bollocks.
Just turn over the cards and come up with some bullshit like SHE GASPS "You tried to dodge the fate because you're afraid of fucking Kent again.
" That's what the spirits said.
Yeah, well, the spirits can gosuck onmy tits, then.
Now I'm off for that piss.
You just winked at the person you're lying to.
I'm not lying! Oh.
So you came in the end.
Yeah.
To help Alison.
Give us a turn, then.
All right.
SHE GASPS You got the twat card.
It means you're a massive twat.
Yeah, but you dealt the cards so she who dealt it is the twat.
Yeah, but it's more on your side of the table, so you're the twat! Actually, you're the twat.
You're the twat! Fine.
If I say I'm the twat, can we just please go and get a beer? Let's see what the spirits have to say.
SHE GASPS It says you're a twat again.
Nice one.
Want a beer? Get me a pint.
Will do.
It's looking really, really good.
It's such an honour to be asked.
Looking forward to the ceremony? A gift of food and wine from the villagers.
It's more than that, Verian.
It's what the Berry Man stands for.
He reminds us there's more to life than the basic human vices of greed, desire andtemptation.
You make it all sound very noble.
II'm a bit worried about the face paint.
I'veI've got some eczema behind Behind your ear? Yeah.
Me too.
I've actually got some moisturiser.
Don'tdon't worry about it.
Really.
No, please.
I'm fine.
I don't need any moisturiser.
Hey.
Honestly, I HE MOANS Oh.
Uh! Run me through the itinerary again, yeah? Nice, safe, innocent logistics.
Oh, no, you don't need to worry about that.
I'll be right by your side all day, whispering in your ear.
The Berry Man would prefer a printout.
MUSIC: Return To Innocence by Enigma SHE GASPS Oh, no.
It says your bat's going to die! Really? Oh, God.
Oh, no.
No, I'm joking.
You know, megabants, LOLs.
Ach, the noo! Thank God.
You know, I'm very worried about him.
Forget about the tarot.
Let's do something else.
Um, likelike palm reading.
Hmm.
That's a strong hand.
It's like a dad's! Da-dah! Got you a pint.
What's this? Is this your boyfriend? SHE SNORTS No.
He's just someone I knew at school.
Nice.
Do you want your pint, then? Do you want a pint? Sure.
You want to give my pint to Lip Ring? Dude.
You can just get another one.
It's ã4 a pint! I'll give you four quid.
Do you have four quid? I'llowe you four quid.
Give me four quid.
No, don't even worry about it.
Kent, stop being a dick.
Oh, for fuck's sake! And there's a massive queue.
Fucking craft lager.
Sorry.
So, how about you do me? Erdo my hand? Sorry.
You know what I mean.
Aye.
I think I know what you mean.
BELLS RING REGAL MUSIC MUSIC DISTORTS, SILENCE MICROPHONE FEEDBACK WHINES Behold the Berry Man! JOLLY MUSIC PLAYS They had a fucking year to plan this.
I just need to get smashed.
We could try Mind Swamp.
It's more a mellow, black-out sort of thing, right? Makes you want to cry but in a good way.
What about, erThroat Cutter? I'm not technically allowed to sell it.
I can recommend it as weed killer.
What is it? Sort of like vodka.
More bleachy.
You put bleach in it? Only a little bit.
Just take the edge off.
The paint.
No fucking way.
Wait.
Will it get us really fucked? Yes.
God, it smells like snake's piss.
Ooh! I ain't drinking that.
Oh, can't drink it - it'll strip your stomach.
Well, how do you take it? Ah! You put 'em up your arse.
Yeah.
We got it.
Tell me about my sexy line again.
ETHEREAL MUSIC So it starts here.
Goes all the way alongto here.
HE MUMBLES Yes? Like? HE MUMBLES GotGot Sorry.
I know.
If I move it this way, I can do it.
No, no.
Really jammed in there, isn't it? No, no, no, no.
Just stop.
No, trust me.
SQUELCH BOTH SQUEAL Ahhh! Jesus, God! God! BOTH SCREAM MUSIC: Poison by Bell Biv DeVoe Are you using the applicator? No, I abandoned the applicator.
I'm just thumbing it in.
Ohh.
It's like a dead slug.
Oh! It's actually not that bad once it's in.
Sort of comforting.
OK.
Oh, mine's in.
Oh, no! Agh! Oh, fuck, it burns! It fucking burns! I'm pulling it out! I'm pulling it out.
Ohhhh, shit! What? Let's do this.
Mm.
Mm.
Mmm, that is a creamy filling.
Oh.
I'd love a creamy filling.
Yeah, youyou've already said that.
Oh.
Sorry.
This one's, er, got liqueur in it.
Yeah? Maybe we'll eat too much, get a bit tipsy.
SHE GAGS Verian, must I remind you the Berry Man has forgone all human vices.
What? Even this? HEART BEATS RAPIDLY JOLLY FOLK MUSIC PLAYS Morpheus! I just need some space, Verian.
As the Berry Man wishes.
Bloody prick-tease.
(GHOSTLY VOICE) Mmm, I love a creamy filling.
Tipsy.
Creamy filling.
1795.
Creamy.
Candyfloss? Fucking hell, Sean Bean.
No, thanks.
When it's on the hook, I do.
What are you doing here? Staging an intervention.
Don't you like that lass? Yes, but I'm not supposed to do that sort of thing.
I'm a role model.
Role model for who? Fucking trees? He's an ancient wood spirit! Look, I'm not throwing all this away for a spot of rumpy-pumpy.
Being the Berry Man is an opportunity that comes around once a decade.
So is finding a lass that fancies you.
Now get over there and sausage her.
Is that just a thing now? Are we all just saying sausaging? Listen.
Aghh! You've got to decide what's more important - prancing around the fair dressed like a ninny or finally getting your roots watered.
Yes, Sean.
Now, have some candyfloss.
Yeah.
It's nice, isn't it? Mm.
I just didn't think there would be that much blood.
It just keptspurting.
Just pssh, pssh, pshh! Arghh! I'm actually still feeling a little woozy, so Sorry.
Sorry.
You know, it's Alison's fault, really, for giving me the rings.
It's OK, honestly.
I was thinking about getting another piercing anyway.
Thanks.
I just don't want you to think I'm, like, some sort of psycho killer.
You know, the film.
Psycho.
You know with the Ree! Ree! Ree! I'mI'm so sorry.
Is it doing anything? It's making me feel like I need a dump.
Constantly.
It's making me lose all feeling in my anus.
Wait.
Did you have feeling there before? Don't know.
Wait.
Is your spine getting hot? A little bit, yeah.
And my blood's gone fizzy.
AUDIO DISTORTS I think it's kicking in.
MUSIC: Aquarius/Let The Sunshine In by the 5th Dimension # And love will steer the stars This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius That's a good beat! You're great at your job! Aquarius Come on, you fucking legends! Let's fucking have it! INTENSE TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS MAN SCREAMS WILD CAT ROARS SHE ROARS Huh? Huh? Ah-ahh! FOLK MUSIC IN BACKGROUND Kent! Still with the Batman, then.
Dude.
Ahhhh, it's all right.
We're cool, brother.
I just stabbed him there.
Right in my clavicle.
It was actually kind of funny.
It was, wasn't it? Yeah.
You went so white and pale.
AUDIO DISTORTS SHE LAUGHS You know he probably fucks them bats? All right, Kent, we'll see you later.
# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Fuck you! Alison.
Not any more.
(I just double-dropped.
I feel like I need to clean a house.
) That's wonderful.
Do you want to do something really fun? PIERCING FEEDBACK WHINES SHE YELPS And first place goes to Mary Lee's white chocolate iPad.
Verian, I thought we were announcing the winners together.
And I thought the Berry Man needed his space.
I like you, Verian.
I really do.
Good.
Me too.
But I'm the Berry Man now.
I have responsibilities to this village.
Mypenile desires have to come second.
So there arepenile desires? Of course.
Oh! I may be the Berry Man but I'm still a man.
But there are rules that must be obeyed.
No, look, if it's about the village rule, then, technically the administration tent is outside the parish boundaries.
No, the parish boundaries finish at the crossroads just past the Co-op.
Yep.
Now.
But they were extended to there in 1872.
1872.
And as the office of the Berry Man was created in 1695 .
.
it predates the boundary change.
So in the administration tent, the parish rules Do not apply.
.
.
do not apply.
Oh, watch the costume.
You're not the Berry Man in here.
Argh! SHE LAUGHS Fly, my pretties! Be free! Spread some fucking rabies! These bats are broken.
They're not going anywhere.
I think they're sleeping cos it's daytime.
Grrrr! Fuck it.
I'm freeing a bat today.
BAT FLAPS WINGS They're not having any of it, are they? Abso-fruit-ly not.
What the hell are you doing?! Saving the bats, Sarah.
What your boyfriend said he's doing, when actually he's just being a massive wank stain.
I thought you were doing tarot.
Way past that, mate.
I've got two tampons up my arse.
What? For another time.
Hey, guys, these bats are really delicate, OK? You have to look after them.
And you have to give them milk.
And it has to be dairy.
Dairy.
Come on, little fella.
Come on.
That's OK.
No-one's going to harm you now.
Ssh, ssh.
It's all right, little friend.
VERIAN, OVER LOUDSPEAKER: Oh, I found your trunk.
MORPHEUS: Yeah.
And it's full of sap.
What is that? THEY MOAN AND GRUN You're a bad, bad Berry Man.
Yeah, I'm about to get a whole lot worse.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Oh, your branch is so hard.
Yeah.
Oh, burst my berries.
Ohh.
Waagh! Oh.
Mm.
Shower me in berry juice! Oh, yeah.
Oh, shit, yeah.
Oh, shit.
Yeah.
Oh, shit.
Yeah.
Oh, shit.
Shit.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Yeah.
Harvest my bounty! WOMAN SINGING OPERA OVER SEX NOISES MORPHEUS GROANS LOUDLY Oh, my God.
I nearly squashed this bat.
BATS SQUEAK Holy shit! VERIAN MOANS OVER LOUDSPEAKER That was rather a lot.
Ohh HEAVY DRUMBEATS There's the hat.
Jacketthing.
And, er Probably best keep the trousers.
Yeah.
Yep.
Shame.
Shame.
Shame.
ALL: Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame! Argh! All right! Ow! Ow! All right, all right.
We get the idea! Agh! Fucking At least we didn't kill What was his name again? Pipistrelle 579.
Yeah.
Him.
But you did kill his mother.
And without her, he'll surely die.
Well .
.
do you think I could buy you a drink? Sarah.
Yep? Hurting me is one thing, but hurting bats, that's another.
Just goes to prove what I've always known.
That the most dangerous animal in the world is the human being.
Bullshit, mate.
Crocodile.