Wasted (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - Episode 5

1 MUSIC: Mashup The Dance by Major Lazer ft.
The Partysquad & Ward 21 Ashtray.
But also last beer, so More! What? Am I a terrible person? What? No.
You're Kent effing Blackwell, the Jaffa Cake of men.
What if no-one will love me because I've got that weird ball thing? Everyone has a weird ball thing.
Or pubes that come up really far, or a hairy tit.
Hey, it's one hair that just keeps coming back! What? I don't have any weird things.
He's got a mole on each butt cheek.
It makes his arse look like a pair of tits.
Judas! So we are agreed.
Everyone is going to show everyone else everything.
Yes, it will bring us all closer together.
We'll have an unbreakable bond for all of eternity.
Steady on, mate.
Your turn, guys.
That was a mistake.
Let's get fucked up.
Really quickly.
Guys? Guys, it's just an arse.
HE WHISTLES Everyone was so wasted last night I guess no-one can remember anything that happened.
We all remember your arse tits.
Come-down day, we're going to need blanket, Netflix, non-judgmental wank breaks Oh, I can't, I've got a barbecue.
Whose barbecue? That guy from the reggae night down in Corsham.
He invited me over.
Not that fucking dread-head guy.
He has a name.
What is it? I can't remember because we keep calling him dread-head.
Right, so you're ditching us for a bongo party? Kent, not all white boys with dreads play bongos? Are you sure about that? Fine.
Just us legends, eh? Well, actually, barbecue sounds fucking great.
Oh, guys.
Come on! You're disrespecting come-down day.
No good will come of it.
Mate, the only thing I ate yesterday was half a Toffee Crisp, and I sprayed most of that into the till.
Oh! Dirty! It's actually a select group of incredibly cool people.
And he only invited me, so It's a barbecue - anyone can go as long as they bring sausages.
That is the rule.
What's the fucking problem here?! You're a fucking nightmare on a come-down.
And I want to make a good impression.
Better bring your bongos, then.
I promise I'll be fine the minute I get some food in me.
So I got venison sausages, but now I'm thinking, is that really try-hard? Should I have gone for a Cumberland? You're overthinking it.
It's just a bunch of pig dicks.
You know it's not actually pigs' dicks, right? I mean, you do know that? But they are, though, aren't they? Mashed-up pigs' dicks.
In a bag.
Alison, they're not Hey! You made it.
MUSIC: 007 (Shanty Town) by Desmond Dekker This is my mate Alison.
She wanted to come because she's really hungry.
I brought sausages.
Oh, venison.
Nice choice.
Yeah, I chose them.
Sorry about the mess.
It's kind of a live-work space.
So I'm always getting covered in paint.
What, just that bit right there? That one perfectly positioned bit? SARAH STAMPS Yeah, I guess so.
So, people relax here.
They crash there, have food there.
That's a yoga mat.
And this is where I do my work.
Oooh, cool.
What's it about? Do you know what? I don't know.
My process is, kind of, to experiment, I just get it out there and the meaning just, kind of emerges.
I did GCSE art, so I know exactly what you're talking about.
I think it's about the impact of social media on litter.
Litter is shit.
MUSIC: Money by Pink Floyd BANGING Sitting on a chair.
Nice out.
Fancy a bike ride? Why do you keep trying to do things?! Because I don't wish to fester.
It's that sort of attitude that lost you the job at Bird Zone.
No, it's the fact that penguins can't digest Twiglets that lost my job at a Bird Zone.
I just think some fresh air might sort us out.
The outside world is our enemy today.
It will crush us.
What are you doing? Orc Slayer.
No role-play games.
I spend the entire day just watching you customise your characters.
They all look like you, but with tits.
Let's just watch something.
We could watch the My Little Pony movie.
Stop suggesting that.
Let's just watch whatever's on.
Ah, Springwatch.
Yes! And it's a Michaela Strachan one.
Fucking A! Oww! KNOCK AT DOOR Hello? Shit, it's my mum.
Oh, it'd be lovely to see Denise.
Hello? She's so fucking needy since she kicked Dad out.
It's Mum.
I'm starting to realise why he cheated on her.
(Kent!) What? She's a ball-ache! Just cover for me.
What a pleasure.
Is Kent here? Sorry, no, he's out on business.
Oh, that's a shame because I was hoping to take him for a pub lunch.
Pub lunch? Hmmm.
So, Denise .
how are you coping with the cuckoldry? Do you know, that is the first time someone's asked me how I feel.
Well, I'm sure Kent's been there for you.
He's been a bit hard to get hold of now his phone is broken.
And I know he's just rushed off his feet trying to find a job.
'I feel the nation's love coming towards' 'I think we ought to move on.
' 'I think we should.
' I always suspected Peter was cheating.
I didn't know it was with a girl who was in the year below Kent at school.
He's a fool of a man.
And he says, "She centres me".
And he said she helped him find himself.
We both know what that means.
Midlife crisis Hot sex.
Uh? Midlife crisis.
PHONE RINGTONE: Move Bitch by Ludacris Oh I'll just get this.
'Mate, where's your laptop charger?' Mate, are you having a wank? We said, "No judgment.
" Can I call you back? I'm having lunch.
You can't take a phone call? Who are you, Theo Paphitis? I'm with your mother, Kent.
We're having a pub lunch.
She's such an attention seeker! I wish she'd just get back with Dad and leave us all alone.
I'm going now.
Can you bring me back a chocolate fudge brownie? Please? Come on, I need this.
My parents have broken up.
All right, all right.
I'll bring you a brownie.
Finally! And make sure it's a squidgy one from the middle, 'not from the outside - it's always a bit dry.
' Oh! Hollandaise.
Can I have a fudge brownie to go? Make sure it's a Squidgy one from the middle.
So his phone's not broken, then? You know what? Screw Kent - you deserve the fudge brownie.
Tell the kitchen we'll have it here! MUSIC: Why? by Annie Lennox 'You don't know what I fear.
' MUSIC: Sadeness, Pt.
1 by Enigma Yeah, Kent, there is a massive ginger beard.
Well, there's only one.
And there is a few man buns.
And one sort of early man bun, but he's gone for it too soon.
Just come back.
I've got all of the duvets on the sofa.
And I really need someone to make me a cup of tea.
I can't walk home till I've eaten.
When is that going to happen? It'll happen when it happens.
This is how cool people work.
It's fluid, it's different.
I mean, in 2016, what even IS a barbecue? Oi, Dreadhead, when's the food ready? Oh, yeah, hey, we're about to light the barbecue.
You haven't even lit it yet? Kent, I've got to go.
DIALLING TONE No, no, Alison! Alison! You know it can take up to 40 minutes for those coals to get white? I'm sure he knows how to make a barbecue.
Does he? It doesn't seem Ignore her.
She's just hungry.
Look, there's some bread or something Actually, not, no.
Sparkle's gluten intolerant and has no willpower, so this is a wheat-free house.
So there's no fucking bread? Alison! Sorry, you just don't invite people to a barbecue and then not have a barbecue! Well, he didn't invite you, did he? COD JAMAICAN ACCENT: Me gotta get da barbecue.
Can you just chill, McGee? Sorry.
I know.
I'm just hungry.
I'll be cool.
Here we go.
It's not even built yet?! MUSIC STOPS, DOG WHINES MUSIC: Albatross by Fleetwood Mac RINGTONE: '# Move, bitch, get out the way '# Get out the way, bitch, get out the way #' Mate, where are you? I'm crashing hard.
I need that fucking brownie.
Your mother and I are having a walk.
You're having a walk? With my mother? Why? Because she's a bit upset and I thought it might cheer her up.
She's always upset cos she's a miserable old bitch.
Kent! Last night you said you felt like a bad person.
Maybe saying things like that is why you feel that way.
Fuck off, Dad.
I can say what I like.
Right, I'm hanging up.
No, no, wait! Come home and we can watch My Little Pony Movietrailer and then talk about it.
No, Kent.
I will not reward this juvenile behaviour.
Was that Kent? Yes, and he had quite the potty mouth.
Should I go home? And then you can just No, we are not going to let him ruin Denise Day.
Denise Day? Yes.
Denise Day.
I've got something to show you.
Oh, that is so beautiful.
It was an Abbey before the dissolution of the monasteries.
Sometimes I come here just to think.
I told Kent that once and he punched me in the dick.
Let's just forget about Kent for a while.
Come on.
MUSIC: I'm A Believer by The Monkees # I thought love was only true in fairy tales # Meant for someone else but not for me Love was out to get me Ha-ha-ha! MUSIC STOPS All right.
# Yes, I saw her face # Now I'm a believer Not a THUNDERCLAP I think it's about to come down.
We could just make it to my house if we run.
This is like a bunch of chimpanzees thrown a Kinder surprise.
Erm I think what Alison means to say is that your friends are so creative that they don't need to follow the rigid constraints ofbarbecue instructions.
Baseline! You made it.
PHONE RINGS Ooh! Kent, put the phone at arm's length, I can see the fur on your tongue.
Have either of you guys ever seen this man in the village? Pizza delivery guy? Yeah! That's what he said! But I think it's a trick to make me open the door so he can get me.
Did you order a pizza? Yeah.
Probably him, then.
You're just getting para.
Roll a spliff.
I've run out.
Maybe I'll have a Lemsip.
What flavour of pizza is it? Because I'm thinking I'd quite like Look, we're not leaving now I've blagged you in.
How will that make me look? Why do you care what these hippy pirates think? Are you that desperate to jump his bones? Alison! I happen to have real feelings for Dreadhead.
So you're really into diablo? Oh! That looks like it takes a lot of practice.
And he needs to be showing that much chest(!) Alison, we just connect.
The guy's cool and spiritual and And you can clearly see his penis through those fisherman pants.
Really? Look at it, lobbing back and forth.
Like a dirty metronome.
METRONOME ECHOES You were right.
I went cock blind.
There's probably some residual pill horn too.
There's got to be something in here.
Ryvita, or anything.
There's an Oxo cube.
Ooh, beef? Veg.
Oh, it's so annoying.
How can someone be so fit and at the same time so utterly revolting? Well, you could just overlook it? Overlook it? Yeah, you can overlook anything.
Like my mum's hit and run.
I forgot about that.
Just nod along, say that you lurrrve circus sports, and get yourself some sweet, sweet, Jack Sparrow flavoured candy.
Oh, my God, I want to fuck Jack Sparrow.
I'm going to overlook it! That's it, overlook it! Aargh! Sarah I think you need to see this.
Pop this on while your clothes are drying.
It's Kent's dad's, so it should fit.
This is lovely.
Is it quilted? And this should warm you up.
Will Peter mind? I don't care.
He's not coming back.
Now warm your cockles.
I'm going to whizz up and have a shower.
Ooh, that's good.
"Local Myths.
" Bosh.
Now I need you to be honest with me.
Is it yours? Yeah.
Ain't she beautiful? I picked her up when I was in Uluru, which is Aborigine for Ayers Rock.
You probably don't even play it.
Oh, I play her.
Do you think there's any way you could never play it? It's part of who I am, Sarah.
Also, I'm pretty good.
It's impossible to be good at didgeridoo.
Hey, Dad.
What the fuck are you doing? I'm just drying my clothes.
We got caught in the rain up at the ruined abbey.
You mean the place where you took Stephanie Murphy when you try to neck her? Yeah, yeah.
That's the place.
You took my mum there? After a dinner date, and a romantic walk? I wouldn't say romantic.
It was picturesque.
Are you trying to fuck my mum? Kent Thomas Blackwell, of course I'm not.
It does look a little bit weird, mate.
I mean, you're in her house, drinking scotch, wearing my dad's robe.
I'm just warming my cockles.
That is fucking disgusting! Watch your language.
Don't tell me what to do.
That attitude is exactly what your mother and I have been talking about.
Fucking stop! I know you're a desperate virgin, but trying to jump my mum just because she's vulnerable I was just trying to show her a good time.
Get out! My pants aren't dry! Oh, my God, you're naked! This is fucking horrible.
This is your comedown talking.
Is it? Or are you trying to replace my dad? You are in a spiralling vortex of doubt right now.
So listen to me.
Look, here.
Here! I am your best friend.
You are my best friend.
And in no way attempting to copulate with your mother.
You're right.
I just need some weed.
A bit of weed.
It'll be fine.
Bit of weed.
Ah! # And I-I-I-I Will al You go home, roll up a batty.
I'll be back as soon as I can.
All right, I'll see you later.
See you, mate.
Don't fuck my mum.
I won't! I definitely won't.
Right, let's get these sausages on.
You've got to put the chicken on first, it takes longer.
OK, let's get the chicken on.
But Felix hasn't finished the marinade yet.
You know what? Chicken fell.
Sausages it is.
We've got to go.
But the sausages! Sarah, if you just heard me play it.
Please don't! RASPING DRONE DRUMMING What's happening? Stop the war! It's a fucking break out! Guys! Look what I found.
Cowbell! THEY CHEER KENT'S VOICE: Morpheus, please don't fuck my mum.
Don't fuck my mum, Morpheus.
Don't fuck my mum! I ask you as a friend Don't fuck my mum.
Morpheus, don't fuck my mum! It's all right, just fuck his mum.
Go on! I mean, she's practically given you the green light.
Go on, put it right inside her.
It's only a fuck! Just give her a quickie! Fuck her! Fuck her! Fuck her! Yeah! I'm going up now, Morphs.
You're welcome to stay.
It's nice having company.
MUSIC: Oh Yeah by Yello # Oh, yeah # Oh, yeah # Oh, yeah # The moon # Oh, yeah # Chikka-chik-ah # Chikka-chik-ah # Chik # Chik Chikka-chik-ah Morpheus, what are you doing? I don't know.
This is the worst thing I've ever heard.
I know.
I know, that's why I came to see you.
I mean, what should I do about Kent? Just don't even tell him.
Really? Is that OK from your spirit guide, moral compass, point of view? Bury it, lad.
You say nothing happened? Totally.
It was just a spoon.
I mean, I had a bit of a stiffy, but she definitely didn't feel it.
Get out of my forest.
Disgusting! See, this is what we should have done from the start.
You disrespect the comedown and the comedown punishes you.
It punished my fucking ears.
Bongos? Didgeridoo.
I don't know if it's my comedown, but I'm finding this pony movie really moving.
Me too.
Good choice, Morph.
And thanks for looking after my mum today.
No problem.
You really are a great friend.
It's like the movie says - friendship is magic.
Your mum hasn't tried to call you, has she? Yeah.
But I knifed it.
I can't talk to her now.
One for tomorrow.
One for tomorrow.
MUSIC: Why by Annie Lennox ALISON: Bosh!