Wedding Band (2012) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
1 [ harmonica playing .]
Woman: Oui! Oui! Merci! - Oh, I'm late for my gig! - Oh, merci! - Merci! - Wait, wait, wait! Right.
What's the going rate for a pirate these days? Oh! Babe, the mermaid people need to know how you feel about pirates.
Somalian or caribbean? [ chuckling .]
No, the entertainment for Janie's birthday.
I'm thinking one mermaid, one pirate ought to do it.
- You read my mind.
- Oh.
Okay.
- I love you.
- Love you, too.
- Got to go to my show.
- Rock on, daddy! Barry: Whoo-hoo! Who is ready to rock?! Eddie: Hurry up, Barry.
Let's go, let's go! [ tires screech .]
[ up-tempo music plays .]
2, 3, 4! Tommy: All the girls stomp your feet like this! few times I've been around that track so it's not just gonna happen like that 'cause I ain't no hollaback girl I ain't no hollaback girl ooh, ooh It's my shh! It's my shh! so I'm ready to attack, gonna lead the pack gonna get a touchdown, gonna take you out that's right, put your pom-poms down gettin' everybody fired up few times I've been around that track so it's not just gonna happen like that 'cause I ain't no hollaback girl I ain't no hollaback girl - You feeling the love, new guy, huh? - Definitely Kind of.
Just breathe it in, 'cause nothing beats seattle's wedding scene.
I think this is gonna be our best month yet.
I've already got us booked for four weddings and a bar mitzvah.
Yeah, we got to brush up on that "Hava nagila" and get it real tight.
Oh, and my guy's hooking us up with 2,000 condoms.
- I'm gonna use them all.
- "Hava nagila"? I mean, 2,000 condoms.
Are you guys a wedding band or a kosher rave? Listen to this, dude.
Pace yourself during the week, all right, Because people expect us to bring our "a" game to these things.
I already told my secretary No meetings Friday afternoon, none before lunch on Monday.
Tommy: Stevie, I know this is your first wedding, But I'm telling you these things are really addictive.
- Really? - They are.
Now is probably a good time to catch him up on a few trade secrets.
- Yeah.
- The golden rule It's our job, as the wedding band, to make sure that this is the big day for everyone.
- Come on.
Seriously? - Look.
Even, uh, 2 tons of fun over there? Hey! Especially her.
Come on.
She's a V.
I.
P.
Want to show a little sensitivity? Thought you would like that That's not a joke you You're not supposed to talk about a woman's weight like that.
My money says she's a cousin of the bride.
Probably just flew in just for the bouquet toss.
Tommy: It's our job to make sure she shoestring catches that bouquet.
Oh! - Hey! - Hey! Wow! Golden rule.
Yeah, yeah, I got it.
Eddie: NextThere's alwayscone guy at the wedding who's just not gonna hook up.
82% of the time, his name is Derek.
Come Monday, Derek needs a story to tell the office.
- Stevie: Ah, and we give him one, right? - Exactly.
It's also our way around the "no booze for the band" policy.
The key is to wait for his windsor knot to drop down to the second button.
Then we make him "honorary band member.
" He'll slip us drinks all night.
Whoo! Oh, hey.
Here - grab that.
The songs on that list, we have to play at every wedding.
- "I will survive.
" - "I will survive.
" - Yeah, that's one of them.
- Hells no.
I won't survive if I have to play Gloria Gaynor every weekend.
That shit will lower your sperm count, son.
You know what? I thought the same thing the first 50 times we played it, but, honestly, I found the true healing power of that song.
[ twangy voice .]
At first, I was afraid, and I was petrified kept thinking I could never live without you by my side Tommy: That song is an anthem for every woman who's ever had her heart broken.
Inside tip look for the one who's singing the loudest.
and I learned how to carry on oh, no, not I I will survive as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive I've got all my life to live I've got all my love to give and I'll survive I will survive hey, hey I have the toughest job, 'cause I bring arena-rock spectacle to black-tie events.
U2 doesn't do that.
Unh-unh.
They bring arena rock to arenas.
That's for pussies.
Hey! Hey! Whoo! [ "Hava nagila" plays .]
[ motor whirs .]
Today, you're a man! [ "Hate to say I told you so" plays .]
Do what I want 'cause I can and if I don't, because I wanna be ignored by the stiff and the bored because I'm gonna Hate to say I told you so I do believe I told you so now it's all out and you know 'cause I wanted to Whoo-hoo! [ finale plays .]
[ laughing .]
Yeah! Derek: What a night! - I'm so glad you could be there, buddy.
- Eddie: Here's your hotel, dude.
Derek, you're the man.
We loved your drinks.
- That was the best night of my life! - Shut the door, Derek.
Can I get one more photo, please? Can't.
I promised my wife I'd be home in 20 minutes.
I just need one more to show the other I.
T.
guys on Monday.
Please.
Is he crying? [ bagpipes playing .]
Big smiles, guys! Come on! [ camera shutter clicking .]
- Good.
You're great, man.
- Oh! Are you kidding me? [ sighs .]
I hate these guys.
[ rock music plays .]
Phil: [ british accent .]
Oh, look at this.
Brilliant tour bus, you wankers.
I fancy the decal of Barry in a skirt.
Right? Is that what it is? It's a little dainty.
Phil, are you serious with the accent? We all went to high school together.
And look who's winning battle of the bands right now.
- Ask where we been playin'! - Where have you been playing? We've been playing the Ichiro wedding up in the space needle.
- Where have you been? - These guys killed at the holiday inn.
- Hey, Derek - At the holiday inn.
- You're not in our band.
- You got no gimmick.
That's what it is, right? I look at you I think to myself, "how would I book that?" This is why you'll never work With a major, like Rutherford events.
It won't happen.
You're not talented.
It's like mixing oil and morons.
I have not seen a dick that big since Tommy Tutone.
Tommy: Guys, guys, are we serious? Are we really just gonna stand here while these mock stars speak to us this way? - No, Barry, we will not.
- Tommy, Tommy Band fight? This is not the way we get on Rutherford's radar.
No.
Let's just walk.
Come on, guys, let's go.
Oh, Eddie, Eddie! If your wife fancies shagging a real guitarist, she should pour some sugar on this ax right here.
[ laughter .]
Did he just grab that man's penis? - Yes, he did.
- While your wife was She was mentioned.
Gunter? You bet your sweet glieben.
[ heavy-metal music plays .]
That's Rock 'n' roll, Baby! Whoa! [ sirens wail .]
- Drop the wig! - Drop the accent.
[ camera shutter clicking .]
[ siren chirps .]
I think it's time we had that conversation.
Which one? Where it's my turn to be responsible for birth control? [ scoffs .]
Ah! The one where you're responsible, period.
Okay.
Why are we whispering? Oh, 'cause it's a little hard finding a sitter at 2:00 in the morning so you can go bail out your husband's band.
Maybe we should have all of our fights when the kids are asleep.
Tommy: Hello, Seattle! Stockholm! Tokyo! You crazy cats from the Winnipeg Rotary Club.
Don't start any trouble, because I will separate you guys.
Over the next few hours, you all will be schooled in the lore of the Seattle music scene.
Ladies and gentlemen, this beautiful spot right here is where Kurt and Courtney first met.
Back there, end of the alley, right next to the homeless gentleman, first make-up sex.
Lot happened.
Any questions? Why haven't you returned my texts? Sara.
Sara: I can't believe this is the same place you took me to go see bands play.
[ chuckles .]
You look different.
Yeah.
For some reason, lawyers don't take you as seriously with purple hair.
Yeah.
That's hair.
Hair is it.
Look, Tommy, this is gonna sound desperate, but my clock is ticking, and it would mean so much That Okay, listen, Sara, I think you need towait.
You know? Take your time.
I think women panic.
You know, I knew this one girl who blogged about her clock.
And then it got so bad that her eggs friended me.
Same old Tommy.
- Yeah.
- Hey, listen, I ran into Carly, and She mentioned you guys played her wedding.
We do tons of weddings.
They're great.
- They're way more fun than clubs.
- Really? Seriously.
Always a packed house.
Everybody knows all the words to the songs.
Well, that's why I've been trying to get in touch with you.
I'm getting married.
[ japanese accent .]
Ehen do we see stone temple pirates landmark? Uh, stone temple pi pirpilots are actually from Orange County.
Or San Diego.
It's kind of Just give me I'll I'll Married.
That is really Wow.
There it is.
That is really a sparkler.
Gow! Good for you.
Good for that is Man, that is big.
So, I was hoping that you'd play my wedding.
Hmm.
You don't think that would be awkward? No, I'm I'm completely over you.
Totally.
Come on, Tommy, I'm begging you.
My wedding planner's gonna make me go with this cheesy Def Leppard tribute band.
- Ohhh.
Armageddon it? - Yeah.
Who's your who's your wedding planner? Rutherford events.
Rutherford events.
Have you heard of them? I've heard of them.
Yeah, we'll play your wedding.
- Can you say thank you Heather? - Thank you, Heather.
- Oh, hey, Eddie! - Todd.
Just opened the green dolphins e-mail.
We're in the same class.
- Our daughters are.
Not us.
- Oh.
Ingrid and I are having second thoughts.
I mean, tuition that high, they should know what color dolphins are, right? Color's inconsequential - Hold that thought.
Hold that thought.
- KidsDig green.
Eddie: Stevie.
Dude, who's the tucker? Uh, that would be Todd.
He coaches, he cleans.
Basically, he's every dad's worst nightmare.
In the great green room, there was a telephone and a dead keith moon And a picture of townshend jumping over the moon.
Hey! Beer.
Want one? That's probably not a great idea for a kids party.
No, it's pirate beer.
It'll go with the theme of everything.
- Maybe just not with the juice boxes.
- Hey! How are you? Sugar makes the kids hyper enough.
I took my time picking this one out.
She's gonna love it.
It is totally age-appropriate.
Oh.
Unlike the wrapping paper, which is for ages 18 and up.
Always good to see you, Tommy.
Thank you for the nudity.
We need to have an emergency band meeting.
Now.
Where's Barry? [ toy squeaks .]
Gross.
What kind of responsible adult turns his band's rehearsal space into a kids playroom? You know what, Barry? We're thinking about redoing the kitchen.
- Do I have to run that by you, too? - Can we table the sibling spat, please? We're already sitting on little mushroom stools.
- Truce.
- Truce.
So, I have really good news.
I had scones with Sara.
.
That's awful.
- That's awesome.
Who's Sara? Only the Yoko who almost broke up the band.
You think that every girl that I date is gonna break up the band.
Yeah, that's 'cause you only date band-breaker-uppers.
That's not entirely true, and that's not even really a word.
- You did write two songs about her.
- I wrote eight songs about drinking.
Yeah, but none of them was a ballad.
Ballads rock's equivalent to the 2:00 a.
m.
drunk-dial.
- No.
No, it's not.
- Like, "I'm calling you with open arms.
" You're not calling me with open arms.
So, she's getting married, and she wants us to play her wedding.
Yeah, don't you think that'd be kind of - I don't know awkward? - Yeah.
No.
Why? Why would that be awkward? I don't know.
Because she's the only girl who ever broke up with you.
Okay, that's not true.
That's she didn't break up with - Yeah, she did.
- I wanted her to think that that was the case, but if I would have told her why I was breaking up with her, it would have given her a complex, and that's not okay.
Hey, you don't give somebody a complex because they have cross-eyed nipples.
- The devil's breasts.
- How cross-eyed are they? Like, Stuart Scott cross-eyed or, like, Lucy Liu cross-eyed? Which is kind of attractive.
[ sighs .]
Rutherford events is planning her wedding, okay? That's the great news.
Do you know how huge this could be for us? Literally, we can make more money Saturday than we did the entire month of June in one day.
No, no.
Next Saturday? See, I can't do it.
- I promised Ingrid I'd book her a spa day.
- No, Eddie.
No.
And the first rule of spa day is you do not move spa day.
If we impress Rutherford, we're in a whole new league, man.
Red roof inn we're not playing there anymore.
Five-star from this point forward, eddie.
Yeah, sure, while we're all selling out, why don't we lease some priuses and have betty white join our supergroup? - Please tell him to sit down.
- No! I can't.
We are an indie wedding band.
Rutherford will put us into a box, - slap some barcode on our asses - Okay.
Boop! Boop! Okay, then I will tell Sara that she can go with her second choice Armageddon it.
Well, that's a game-changer.
Okay.
But if we do this, we go all-in.
I'm gonna drum in a gerbil ball that floats over the audience, and Stevie here, put you in a Jamiroquai hat, have you dance the robot.
Hey, man, I'm not wearing no Jamiroquai hat, man.
Come on.
- You don't have to wear a Jamiroquai hat.
- Don't listen to him.
Eddie? Eddie.
- Huh? - Come on.
Man up.
Move spa day.
It would help pay for green dolphins.
- Don't know what that means.
- Again, man up.
Bro.
[ smacks lips .]
You know what? I think I will have one of those beers.
Yeah! Yeah, you will! There he is! There he is! I'll just put it in this juice box so Ingrid doesn't get wise.
The next two weeks is total gridlock.
Bill Gates wants an island-themed birthday party, so now I got to find a way to ship in sand from Fiji.
That'll be a blast to get through customs.
There's two weddings, a father/son bris, and doctors are giving us a 50/50 chance the Mansfield funeral is also on Saturday.
[ chuckles .]
I'll keep my fingers crossed? That's why I'm giving you the Sara Jablonsky wedding.
This is your baby.
Wait.
It really is? Because last month, you told me you were giving me a promotion, - and then it didn't really - I'm empowering you, Rachel.
This is your time to shine.
The best thing I can do is just step out of the way.
Roxie, that means the world to me that you believe in me.
You have no idea, really.
Thank you.
You know, when I look at you, Rachel, it's almost like I'm looking at myself in the mirror.
Oh.
Only I don't like the necklace I'm wearing.
UmWell, hey, I have, uh, My first update as full-fledged wedding planner.
Oh.
Sara called me this morning, and she's chosen a band, but it's not, um Armageddon it.
Her loss, your baby.
Empowerment.
It's just that, uh, Sara's going a little bit farther off the grid than I thought, so I just wanted to show this to you and see what you think.
I ain't no hollaback girl few times I been around that track Lead singer's kind of cute In that gas-station bathroom-stall hookup - Kind of way.
- That's actually sara's, um, ex-boyfriend.
I'm not gonna step in.
This one is all yours.
Actually, I am.
I know lead singers.
I have been in their minds.
[ chuckles .]
And it is not up here.
I know.
Sorry.
45 minutes late.
No, that's cool.
Set my over/under at an hour, so you're about 15 minutes early.
You're still doing the over/under thing, huh? - Eddie.
Hi.
- Sara.
- Matthew: Oh! It's the band! - Stevie: Hey.
I'm Matthew.
This is my fiancé.
And probably your band's biggest fan.
My favorite track "Love piñata.
" Oh, cool.
You played him our ballad.
That is one great song to make love to.
[ chuckles nervously .]
Hey, everybody.
I am Rachel, the wedding planner.
- Hey, Rachel.
- Hey.
What do you guys say we go ahead and move this meeting on down to chinatown? I'm confused.
I thought the meeting was here.
- Parking was like 7 bucks.
- No, it's here.
It's here.
I was just calling the conference room chinatown.
If you guys want to just follow me to the conference room Be nice.
What do you mean, "be nice"? - What did I do? - Why are you doing that to her? [ cellphone rings .]
- Come on.
- Hold on.
[ cellphone beeps .]
- Hello? - Roxie: Oh, I am so onto you.
You have got a textbook case of lead-singer syndrome.
Cool.
UmWho is this? Always onstage, never get enough of the spotlight.
You're standing under a halogen right now.
How did you who? Is this Rutherford? Are you watching? Where are you? I'm everywhere.
You screw up this wedding and I will cut off your balls and wear them as earrings.
Well, that's kind of a bad idea.
One might hang lower than theOther one.
So, as a band, you are doing way more than playing music at this wedding.
You are also in charge of being the emcees.
- Now, as the emc - Ah! I'm so sorry.
I had no idea that you already started.
Hey.
Well, you know what? You just continue right along.
I will sit down right here and you won't even know I'm here.
You just continue on.
Okay.
Hi.
Hi.
Uh, now, as the emcees, it's your job to make sure that the night runs really smoothly, so I went ahead and made this run sheet for you to follow, and you just need to follow it like the bible.
Or like the koran, because we're very tolerant here.
We also do african-american weddings.
That's That's good.
I'm sure the insurance premiums are much higher.
We don't mind.
[ laughter .]
Oh, my god.
So I just lost my place again.
Where were we? - Bible.
- Bible.
Or koran.
[ chuckles .]
Which is perfect, because if there's anything that we preach here at Rutherford events, it's that the perfect wedding has no surprises.
Raging party.
No surprises.
Good times.
Hey, guitar pit, maybe you should lose the name tag before you beat those skins on saturday.
[ clicks tongue .]
Finally, the band set list.
for the first dance, the bride and groom have requested, uh "Making love out of nothing at all.
" W- what? - What? - Roxie: Really good choice.
Tommy, it's the one that is like - making love - No, no, it doesn't go like that.
I know the song.
It goes making lo-o-o-o-o-ve out of nothing at all - Well, I said it - at a-a-a-ll at all I know that's beautiful.
- What? - Do you have a problem with that, Tommy? No.
No problem.
Right? No.
It's just it's an interesting choice.
That's all.
It's our song.
Isn't it, honey? - Matthew: Yes, it is.
- It's your song.
Tommy: You sure this is the place? This is it.
Hey, if, uh, Stevie's studio is lame-o And we want to bail, code word cowbell.
[ cowbell rings .]
Cowbell.
- What are the odds of that? - What up, fellas? Stevie: Come on in.
Make yourself at home.
This is ridonk! [ laughs .]
Are you kidding me? Stevie, you said you played on a few albums, but this is crazy.
You did not play with Bon Jovi.
What? A black man can't be in a hair band? No, it's just a little suspect.
Your picture's not on any of these album covers.
Dude.
Life of a session musician, man.
Nothing against us, but why would you want to play with us? You cats don't even know what you have, do you? Okay, look.
Normally, I get the call, I go in, I hit my spot, and I leave, right? But all these guys on these albums, they all belong to something special.
Just like the three of you.
I didn't want to miss out this time.
Yeah, this is way more special than what we have.
It's kind of amazing.
[ chuckles .]
It's nice, huh? It really is.
Yeah.
- [ laughs .]
You want to go see it? - Okay.
Come on.
Stevie? Can I take these for a spin? Don't let go You've got the music in you One dance left This world is gonna pull through Don't give up You've got a reason to live Can't forget You only get what you give [ guitar solo .]
[ solo intensifies .]
[ cellphone rings .]
Whoa! Hold on! I got to I got to bolt.
I got to meet ingrid at green dolphins.
- Are you serious? - Yes.
Hey, you better towel off or she'll know something's up.
Whoa, whoa, wait.
Hold on.
You told her about Saturday, right? Look, look, it's okay.
I have the perfect alibi.
While she's getting shiatsu'd, I'm gonna "take the kids" to see yo gabba gabba! Already ordered the concert t-shirts online.
Heists don't take that much planning.
Hey, before you go, I need your tux size.
You are gonna e-mail it to Sara, right? Uh, no.
I'm gonna meet her and Matthew there.
- Is that okay? - It's all right? [ feedback .]
What Eddie is suggesting is that Sara hit the super lotto with Matthew.
- That is what I'm suggesting.
- So I'm like Dollar Keno? What is It's okay! It's okay.
Just, permission to be brutally honest? No! 'cause this is silly.
No.
Yes.
Yes, please.
No, no, no, no.
Look, look, you are like that guy in the romantic comedy that the girl just thinks she should be with but the audience knows there's just no future.
Wow.
That was my best friend telling me that I'm the dick in the rom-com.
- Yes.
- Barry: Hey, man Bigger the dick, better the front man.
[ laughter .]
Sara: Matthew's sorry he couldn't be here.
Uh, yeah, first, you want me to play your wedding, then you want me to play our song Our song? Are you kidding me? You put it on that mix as a joke.
Were we not making out when that song came on? You did a spit take in my mouth.
How is that not our song? Well, Matthew chose it, okay? Is there anything else you want to get off your chest? Oh, there are a couple things I can't seem to wrap my hands around.
[ chuckles .]
Oh, boy.
Stop it, stop it, stop it.
If you must know they are fake.
But they're real.
They're 100% biodegradable.
All right.
So, when Matthew goes motorboating, he's actually saving the environment, huh? [ laughs .]
Why don't you ask Matthew's dad? He did them.
Doesn't seem a little creepy? See, Tommy, this is what I miss.
You don't take anything seriously.
Eh, you didn't You hated that, though, when we were together.
When I'm with you, I don't take anything seriously, either.
You should, you know? You're, uh, you're getting married.
I love Matthew.
[ sighs .]
I do.
But there's this electricity between us, Tommy.
No.
No, there's not.
- Sara! You in there? - Matthew! Hey! Yeah, we are.
Perfect timing.
Sure could use a second opinion.
You made it! - Oh, boy.
- Surprise.
All right.
- Ready for our final dance lesson, sweetheart? - I am.
- Merengue.
- Eh, if you feel it, dance it.
Guess the next time I see you, I'll be walking down the aisle.
Yeah, you will.
Adios.
[ chuckles .]
[ chuckles .]
Yeah, she will.
[ sighs .]
Emergency numbers are on the fridge.
[ children laughing .]
Dinner's pre-made.
Just reheat 45 seconds on high.
Okay? Enjoy your cinnamon facial and stone massage.
Okay, you guys having fun and you get it together.
- Is it "go" time, daddy? - Oh, it's "go" time, sweetie.
[ breathing heavy .]
Tommy: Finally! Hurry! Let's go! Let's ridede! Holy Didie: Would you look at this f'ing place? Tommy: Promise me we'll never play at the Tractor Tavern again.
You guys are a hour late.
I'll blame the sitter.
We had to pick her up at the mall.
Sorry.
Yeah.
Sitter.
Great.
You brought kids to an all-adult wedding.
- Thank you.
- Why am I carrying a nitrous tank? We're gonna top the condom drop.
No.
No.
You're not topping anything.
There's no nitrous.
There's no condoms.
You're gonna take the little kids and the sitter to the toddler center, and then you are gonna play some pre-ceremony music.
[ "Fuer Elise" plays .]
Right now! Oh.
Thank you so much.
Who's ready to get married?! You are! We are! [ "Fuer Elise" continues .]
The bride wants to see you.
Did you tell her I'm kind of busy right now? She's refusing to come down until you go up there.
Okay.
Keep playing.
Just keep playing.
I'll be right back.
Uh, excuse me.
Selfish d-bag? Yeah, you.
What do you think you're doing? Look, when are you gonna realize your actions affect other people, you f'ing f'er? Hold do me a favor, all right? If you're gonna chew me out, stop cursing at me like I'm 4.
Sorry.
Daddy v-chip.
Is that honestly what you think I'm up to? You think I'm being selfish? I think it's a cock-jerk reaction to Sara marrying another guy.
- It's a cock-jerk reaction.
- Yeah, that's right cock-jerk.
Isn't it nice having a big-boy argument like this? I'm not gonna let you break up a wedding over some girl you might want to date.
You go up there, you're gonna have to give Sara a real commitment.
Are you ready to be that family in the Disney Cruise ad? You know, go journey the turquoise caribbean waters.
Go snorkeling with Mickey and Goofy and Donald and all your other favorite characters.
- Are you ready for that? - Did you just book that trip? Felt guilty lying to Ingrid, so we set sail next month.
Uh, I f'ing lied.
Sara broke up with me.
The reality is, she couldn't handle the fact that I was more committed to you and Barry.
More you.
I let her go so I could focus on us getting signed.
Sothere.
We've shared, and I feel good about this.
Why didn't you just tell me? I didn't want you to feel guilty.
I've always been kind of a selfish d-bag.
[ "Fuer Elise" continues .]
[ clears throat .]
Is there anything we should know? Everything's super.
Keep smiling.
Keep playing.
[ chuckles nervously .]
Good.
'cause Rutherford just got here.
I got to warn Tommy.
Juststall.
[ grunts .]
I can't get this vest to stay tucked.
Hey, is that Eddie? He's not at yo gabba gabba.
[ camera clicks .]
Barry, what's the longest song you can think of? 1, 2, 3, 4.
[ "Frankenstein" plays .]
Oh, that feels so good.
[ cellphone beeping .]
- What the - Oh! Oh.
Hi.
Hey.
Hmm.
Two minutes in there, and then I'm coming in, all right? And I'm warning you no surprises.
- You might want to tell that to Sara.
- Can you? Rachel, why isn't the bride at the altar? - Hi.
- Everybody's down there.
Everyone's ready.
Roxie, you're here.
What are you doing here? And you look fantastic.
- Thank you.
- Can I just say that? - And Sara's doing great.
She's - Okay.
Oh, no, but she - she's She's just requested to be alone right now.
Super-super-alone.
Ohhhhh.
[ chuckling .]
Yeah.
I get it.
She's paddling the pink canoe.
[ chuckles .]
- I'm not familiar with that one.
- Oh, it's a tradition.
Brides do it to calm those nerves on the big day.
I did it before all three of my weddings.
Once during.
How dare you send me flowers, Tommy?! Today?! I thought I did a nice thing.
They're it's purple.
It's your favorite color, right? "Iris" favorite goo goo dolls song.
And what about this? What are you trying to tell me? It's a tiny card, Sara.
Didn't think it'd be so complicated.
"To Sara" that's you, right? "you're marrying the right guy.
"I wish you and matthew a lifetime of happiness.
- Your friend, Tommy.
" - You don't mean this.
We just we didn't want it to end.
[ sighs .]
Do you hear a man's voice in there? Oh, it's probably Sara talking dirty to herself.
Oh.
Yes.
You're the one that got away.
You always were.
But the worst part, Sara, is that I have to let you get away again.
What? Wait.
What? I've done enough of these weddings to know that what you're hearing right now is the pitter-patter of cold feet.
I don't have cold feet.
Okay? I can't be getting cold feet.
- Sara, hey - I'm wearing $800 Louis Vuittons! You got to trust me.
You got to trust me on this one.
You hit the super lotto with Matthew.
- I did.
- You really did.
- Didn't I? - You did.
Do you know one of his favorite hobbies is making scented candles? Of course his hobby is making scented candles.
- Does he put the sun-dried orange slices - The little slices.
See? The dude's out of a Diane Lane movie.
I'm not gonna let you run away from that guy.
[ both sigh .]
Thank you.
You've grown up.
Champagne.
Couldn't hurt.
Help with the nerves.
[ chuckles .]
[ cork pops .]
Ohh! [ hissing .]
Oh, my god! - What was that? - I didn't hear anything.
You popped my breast! You know, I highly doubt that.
- Those things are made to be played with.
- It's deflating! All right, lower the gown.
Lower the gown.
I'm going in.
Now is not the time to cop a feel! It's purely medical.
I promise.
- The other one.
- I know that.
I needed a reference point, okay? [ "Frankenstein" continues .]
This is the biggest mistake of my life.
I think you may be overreacting.
My fiancé is outside.
I will get you through this.
You will go down there, you will exchange some vows, do the cute dance with the niece, play the moment of suspense with the cake Romantic finger feed or crowd favorite cake in the face.
I know I'm dying to find out.
- Oh, gee - He popped my implant.
When are men gonna realize there is a right and a wrong way to handle a woman's breasts? You cannot twist it around like a balloon animal.
I didn't do this on purpose.
The champagne cork it hit her point-blank.
Oh, my first wedding's ending up in the E.
R.
I knew it.
Hey, nobody calls off one of my weddings until I say so.
Oh, I should have never hired this band.
Unh! Oh, geez! Where's ground zero? Here? [ groans .]
Okay.
[ sighs .]
It sounds fi Ohhhh.
Oh, wait.
[ air whistling .]
Yep, yep, there is.
There's a whistle.
[ sighs .]
Oh, no.
This is all my fault.
Sara, I'm gonna make sure that you have your dream wedding today.
- She needs a doctor! - There is one at the altar! Matthew's dad is the best boob-repair guy in seattle.
[ "Frankenstein" continues .]
[ sighs .]
We have an emergency.
Can you follow me and laugh so the guests don't suspect anything's wrong? [ both laugh .]
What? [ door opens .]
What the heck is going on here? Sir, it is so nice to meet you.
I'm Sara's ex.
- Ohh! Oh, whoa! - Eddie: That's my front man! Aah! Not the dress! Ow.
[ sighs .]
I got this.
Look, I don't approve of how this went down, either, okay? Tommy can be a real pain in the ass Yeah, I can seconded.
but he's my best friend.
And if he says that they're in love, - then they belong together.
- We're not in love.
- Nothing happened.
- No.
But I saw your hands all over her Justin Biebers.
Yeah, that's because he broke one.
Broke one what? Broke a Bieber.
Oh, my god.
Dude, do you think they'll be cross-eyed again, or? You think you can plug it? It's not a tire.
I need to get her back to my office, run some x-rays.
The way I see it, doc, We can tell your son that his wedding has been canceled Which means People might ask questions.
What kind of questions, Eddie? Perhaps one of the good doctor's clients will want to know why Sara was rushed off in an ambulance.
Oh, my god.
If you think BP had a P.
R.
nightmare with that spill in the gulf, imagine how your clients would react to hearing that one of your fun bags blew.
Boom.
- Where's sara? - Um I can't take this anymore.
I'm gonna go find out myself.
Oh, no, no! No, no.
It is really, really bad luck to see the bride before the wedding.
Well, it's also bad luck when my fiancée is 30 minutes late, so I'll go find out.
Uh Yuh [ "Frankenstein" continues .]
I have to build a brace.
Like a like a boob sling? Basically, yeah.
Would a g-string work? I think an e-string would be better.
Matthew: Sara! [ pounding on door .]
Sara?! One second, darling! all is well, all is [ knocking on door .]
- Sara?! - Pounding will stress her out.
Honey? Honey, is everything okay in there? - Sara! S - Oh.
Sorry.
Everything's great.
Oh, my god.
Is that Sara's blood? Don't be ridiculous.
That's Eddie's Eddie's blood.
- Rache.
Rachel, Rachel - Yes? Key.
Your baby.
Stepping out of the way.
- Can you use the key, please? - Oh, now? Okay.
[ gasps .]
I'm sorry I kept you waiting.
- Oh.
- Ooh.
Gorgeous.
Ingrid.
Oh! You look so Relaxed.
This whole awkward thing is exactly why I'm not married.
But you don't have to g- I just love you.
I just wanted a day for myself.
- Not a tall order here, Eddie.
- I know.
And I'm sorry.
It's just Really? I wanted to be the hero.
[ scoffs .]
If we impress this event planner and she keeps booking us, we'll be able to afford green dolphins.
Please.
Stay.
[ scoffs .]
You haven't seen us play since we had Janie.
[ cheers and applause .]
[ "Making love out of nothing at all" plays .]
I know just how to whisper and I know just how to cry I know just where to find the answers and I know just how to lie I know just how to fake it and I know just how to scheme I know just when to face the truth and then I know just when to dream and I know just where to touch you and I know just what to prove I know when to pull you closer and I know when to let you loose but I don't know how to leave you and I'll never let you fall and I don't know how you do it making lo-o-o-ve [ cheers and applause .]
out of nothing at all out of nothing at all out of nothing at all out of nothing at all out of nothing at all out of nothing at all lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ve making love lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ve out of nothing at all out of nothing at all making love out of nothing at all out of nothing at all out of nothing at all Whoo! Yeah! [ guitar solo .]
Whoo! Whoo-hoo! I caught it.
Yeah! Whoo! [ cheers and applause .]
Yeah! [ song ends .]
Stevie: Whoo! Hello.
I'll admit things looked bleak, but I feel like we came together and we dodged a bullet tonight.
I think you mean "cork.
" Was that a spontaneous joke? [ giggles .]
What happened to "no surprises"? I'll have you know, when I'm in my yoga pants and not in this outfit I have quite the ribald sense of humor.
I think you should go put on your yoga pants and we should go somewhere and you can explain to me what "ribald" means.
Tommy, I'm getting married.
Really? Is everybody engaged? Don't ask me how, but we lost Stevie.
What do you mean, you lost Stevie? How do you lose a grown man in a leather tuxedo? [ cowbell rings .]
Ah.
- Hey! - Hey! What's up, man? What happened to you last night? We lost you after the wedding.
- Yeah, nice french exit, canadian.
- Yeah, I checked the videographer footage No sign of you after the third encore.
No, you know, I just caught a ride with someone.
[ woman sneezes .]
- What was that? - What? - I heard something.
- I heard a noise, too.
- Yeah, me too.
- Sounded like a person.
- It's nothing.
- What if it's a cougar? Dude, you got the country cougar back there the "I will survive" one? You caught me.
[ laughs .]
Hey, and, honestly, I almost didn't survive.
[ laughs .]
She behind me? Hello.
Rutherford.
You guys were fabulous last night.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
- You really made the wedding.
- It's what we try and do.
Barry: We're like a four-man vegas.
Whatever happens at a mother of the bride show Barry and Tommy: Stays at a mother of the bride show.
Till you get their wedding DVD.
Well, this morning is your lucky day, because I have yet to hire a band for Bill Gates' 56th.
Billy Gates? - Of course, if you screw it up - I know.
You'll you'll - you'll hang my things on your thing.
- Well, actually, I was thinking that eight might make a nicechoker.
- See you.
- Did you do something? [ door closes .]
Same outfit as last n - Oh! What was that? - Bill gates! Dude! - What?! - Okay, Captain change-the-subject.
[ laughter .]
- We got to think about this for a second.
- Yeah, yeah.
What could we possibly give the world's richest man that he couldn't get for himself? You make him an honorary member of the band.
The key is to find the right song that gets that windsor knot to drop.
I said, it's gettin' hot in here so hot so take off all your clothes Oh! I am gettin' so hot I wanna take my clothes off Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! it's gettin' hot in here - Keep playing.
- Oh, I will if you will.
I am gettin' so hot, I wanna take my clothes off I was like, good gracious, ass is bodacious flirtatious, tryin' to show patience lookin' for the right time to shoot my steam [ thud .]
Ow! I'm leavin', please believe in me and the rest of my heathens Check it! got it locked at the top of the four seasons penthouse, rooftop, birds I'm feedin' no deceivin', nothin up my sleeve and no teasin' I need you to get on up Good night, Keith Moon.
- Come with mommy.
- What? Oh, if I was singing Coldplay, you'd let them stay? Sellout! and can't nobody stop the juice so, baby, tell me, what's the use? I said, it's gettin' hot in here so hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot
Woman: Oui! Oui! Merci! - Oh, I'm late for my gig! - Oh, merci! - Merci! - Wait, wait, wait! Right.
What's the going rate for a pirate these days? Oh! Babe, the mermaid people need to know how you feel about pirates.
Somalian or caribbean? [ chuckling .]
No, the entertainment for Janie's birthday.
I'm thinking one mermaid, one pirate ought to do it.
- You read my mind.
- Oh.
Okay.
- I love you.
- Love you, too.
- Got to go to my show.
- Rock on, daddy! Barry: Whoo-hoo! Who is ready to rock?! Eddie: Hurry up, Barry.
Let's go, let's go! [ tires screech .]
[ up-tempo music plays .]
2, 3, 4! Tommy: All the girls stomp your feet like this! few times I've been around that track so it's not just gonna happen like that 'cause I ain't no hollaback girl I ain't no hollaback girl ooh, ooh It's my shh! It's my shh! so I'm ready to attack, gonna lead the pack gonna get a touchdown, gonna take you out that's right, put your pom-poms down gettin' everybody fired up few times I've been around that track so it's not just gonna happen like that 'cause I ain't no hollaback girl I ain't no hollaback girl - You feeling the love, new guy, huh? - Definitely Kind of.
Just breathe it in, 'cause nothing beats seattle's wedding scene.
I think this is gonna be our best month yet.
I've already got us booked for four weddings and a bar mitzvah.
Yeah, we got to brush up on that "Hava nagila" and get it real tight.
Oh, and my guy's hooking us up with 2,000 condoms.
- I'm gonna use them all.
- "Hava nagila"? I mean, 2,000 condoms.
Are you guys a wedding band or a kosher rave? Listen to this, dude.
Pace yourself during the week, all right, Because people expect us to bring our "a" game to these things.
I already told my secretary No meetings Friday afternoon, none before lunch on Monday.
Tommy: Stevie, I know this is your first wedding, But I'm telling you these things are really addictive.
- Really? - They are.
Now is probably a good time to catch him up on a few trade secrets.
- Yeah.
- The golden rule It's our job, as the wedding band, to make sure that this is the big day for everyone.
- Come on.
Seriously? - Look.
Even, uh, 2 tons of fun over there? Hey! Especially her.
Come on.
She's a V.
I.
P.
Want to show a little sensitivity? Thought you would like that That's not a joke you You're not supposed to talk about a woman's weight like that.
My money says she's a cousin of the bride.
Probably just flew in just for the bouquet toss.
Tommy: It's our job to make sure she shoestring catches that bouquet.
Oh! - Hey! - Hey! Wow! Golden rule.
Yeah, yeah, I got it.
Eddie: NextThere's alwayscone guy at the wedding who's just not gonna hook up.
82% of the time, his name is Derek.
Come Monday, Derek needs a story to tell the office.
- Stevie: Ah, and we give him one, right? - Exactly.
It's also our way around the "no booze for the band" policy.
The key is to wait for his windsor knot to drop down to the second button.
Then we make him "honorary band member.
" He'll slip us drinks all night.
Whoo! Oh, hey.
Here - grab that.
The songs on that list, we have to play at every wedding.
- "I will survive.
" - "I will survive.
" - Yeah, that's one of them.
- Hells no.
I won't survive if I have to play Gloria Gaynor every weekend.
That shit will lower your sperm count, son.
You know what? I thought the same thing the first 50 times we played it, but, honestly, I found the true healing power of that song.
[ twangy voice .]
At first, I was afraid, and I was petrified kept thinking I could never live without you by my side Tommy: That song is an anthem for every woman who's ever had her heart broken.
Inside tip look for the one who's singing the loudest.
and I learned how to carry on oh, no, not I I will survive as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive I've got all my life to live I've got all my love to give and I'll survive I will survive hey, hey I have the toughest job, 'cause I bring arena-rock spectacle to black-tie events.
U2 doesn't do that.
Unh-unh.
They bring arena rock to arenas.
That's for pussies.
Hey! Hey! Whoo! [ "Hava nagila" plays .]
[ motor whirs .]
Today, you're a man! [ "Hate to say I told you so" plays .]
Do what I want 'cause I can and if I don't, because I wanna be ignored by the stiff and the bored because I'm gonna Hate to say I told you so I do believe I told you so now it's all out and you know 'cause I wanted to Whoo-hoo! [ finale plays .]
[ laughing .]
Yeah! Derek: What a night! - I'm so glad you could be there, buddy.
- Eddie: Here's your hotel, dude.
Derek, you're the man.
We loved your drinks.
- That was the best night of my life! - Shut the door, Derek.
Can I get one more photo, please? Can't.
I promised my wife I'd be home in 20 minutes.
I just need one more to show the other I.
T.
guys on Monday.
Please.
Is he crying? [ bagpipes playing .]
Big smiles, guys! Come on! [ camera shutter clicking .]
- Good.
You're great, man.
- Oh! Are you kidding me? [ sighs .]
I hate these guys.
[ rock music plays .]
Phil: [ british accent .]
Oh, look at this.
Brilliant tour bus, you wankers.
I fancy the decal of Barry in a skirt.
Right? Is that what it is? It's a little dainty.
Phil, are you serious with the accent? We all went to high school together.
And look who's winning battle of the bands right now.
- Ask where we been playin'! - Where have you been playing? We've been playing the Ichiro wedding up in the space needle.
- Where have you been? - These guys killed at the holiday inn.
- Hey, Derek - At the holiday inn.
- You're not in our band.
- You got no gimmick.
That's what it is, right? I look at you I think to myself, "how would I book that?" This is why you'll never work With a major, like Rutherford events.
It won't happen.
You're not talented.
It's like mixing oil and morons.
I have not seen a dick that big since Tommy Tutone.
Tommy: Guys, guys, are we serious? Are we really just gonna stand here while these mock stars speak to us this way? - No, Barry, we will not.
- Tommy, Tommy Band fight? This is not the way we get on Rutherford's radar.
No.
Let's just walk.
Come on, guys, let's go.
Oh, Eddie, Eddie! If your wife fancies shagging a real guitarist, she should pour some sugar on this ax right here.
[ laughter .]
Did he just grab that man's penis? - Yes, he did.
- While your wife was She was mentioned.
Gunter? You bet your sweet glieben.
[ heavy-metal music plays .]
That's Rock 'n' roll, Baby! Whoa! [ sirens wail .]
- Drop the wig! - Drop the accent.
[ camera shutter clicking .]
[ siren chirps .]
I think it's time we had that conversation.
Which one? Where it's my turn to be responsible for birth control? [ scoffs .]
Ah! The one where you're responsible, period.
Okay.
Why are we whispering? Oh, 'cause it's a little hard finding a sitter at 2:00 in the morning so you can go bail out your husband's band.
Maybe we should have all of our fights when the kids are asleep.
Tommy: Hello, Seattle! Stockholm! Tokyo! You crazy cats from the Winnipeg Rotary Club.
Don't start any trouble, because I will separate you guys.
Over the next few hours, you all will be schooled in the lore of the Seattle music scene.
Ladies and gentlemen, this beautiful spot right here is where Kurt and Courtney first met.
Back there, end of the alley, right next to the homeless gentleman, first make-up sex.
Lot happened.
Any questions? Why haven't you returned my texts? Sara.
Sara: I can't believe this is the same place you took me to go see bands play.
[ chuckles .]
You look different.
Yeah.
For some reason, lawyers don't take you as seriously with purple hair.
Yeah.
That's hair.
Hair is it.
Look, Tommy, this is gonna sound desperate, but my clock is ticking, and it would mean so much That Okay, listen, Sara, I think you need towait.
You know? Take your time.
I think women panic.
You know, I knew this one girl who blogged about her clock.
And then it got so bad that her eggs friended me.
Same old Tommy.
- Yeah.
- Hey, listen, I ran into Carly, and She mentioned you guys played her wedding.
We do tons of weddings.
They're great.
- They're way more fun than clubs.
- Really? Seriously.
Always a packed house.
Everybody knows all the words to the songs.
Well, that's why I've been trying to get in touch with you.
I'm getting married.
[ japanese accent .]
Ehen do we see stone temple pirates landmark? Uh, stone temple pi pirpilots are actually from Orange County.
Or San Diego.
It's kind of Just give me I'll I'll Married.
That is really Wow.
There it is.
That is really a sparkler.
Gow! Good for you.
Good for that is Man, that is big.
So, I was hoping that you'd play my wedding.
Hmm.
You don't think that would be awkward? No, I'm I'm completely over you.
Totally.
Come on, Tommy, I'm begging you.
My wedding planner's gonna make me go with this cheesy Def Leppard tribute band.
- Ohhh.
Armageddon it? - Yeah.
Who's your who's your wedding planner? Rutherford events.
Rutherford events.
Have you heard of them? I've heard of them.
Yeah, we'll play your wedding.
- Can you say thank you Heather? - Thank you, Heather.
- Oh, hey, Eddie! - Todd.
Just opened the green dolphins e-mail.
We're in the same class.
- Our daughters are.
Not us.
- Oh.
Ingrid and I are having second thoughts.
I mean, tuition that high, they should know what color dolphins are, right? Color's inconsequential - Hold that thought.
Hold that thought.
- KidsDig green.
Eddie: Stevie.
Dude, who's the tucker? Uh, that would be Todd.
He coaches, he cleans.
Basically, he's every dad's worst nightmare.
In the great green room, there was a telephone and a dead keith moon And a picture of townshend jumping over the moon.
Hey! Beer.
Want one? That's probably not a great idea for a kids party.
No, it's pirate beer.
It'll go with the theme of everything.
- Maybe just not with the juice boxes.
- Hey! How are you? Sugar makes the kids hyper enough.
I took my time picking this one out.
She's gonna love it.
It is totally age-appropriate.
Oh.
Unlike the wrapping paper, which is for ages 18 and up.
Always good to see you, Tommy.
Thank you for the nudity.
We need to have an emergency band meeting.
Now.
Where's Barry? [ toy squeaks .]
Gross.
What kind of responsible adult turns his band's rehearsal space into a kids playroom? You know what, Barry? We're thinking about redoing the kitchen.
- Do I have to run that by you, too? - Can we table the sibling spat, please? We're already sitting on little mushroom stools.
- Truce.
- Truce.
So, I have really good news.
I had scones with Sara.
.
That's awful.
- That's awesome.
Who's Sara? Only the Yoko who almost broke up the band.
You think that every girl that I date is gonna break up the band.
Yeah, that's 'cause you only date band-breaker-uppers.
That's not entirely true, and that's not even really a word.
- You did write two songs about her.
- I wrote eight songs about drinking.
Yeah, but none of them was a ballad.
Ballads rock's equivalent to the 2:00 a.
m.
drunk-dial.
- No.
No, it's not.
- Like, "I'm calling you with open arms.
" You're not calling me with open arms.
So, she's getting married, and she wants us to play her wedding.
Yeah, don't you think that'd be kind of - I don't know awkward? - Yeah.
No.
Why? Why would that be awkward? I don't know.
Because she's the only girl who ever broke up with you.
Okay, that's not true.
That's she didn't break up with - Yeah, she did.
- I wanted her to think that that was the case, but if I would have told her why I was breaking up with her, it would have given her a complex, and that's not okay.
Hey, you don't give somebody a complex because they have cross-eyed nipples.
- The devil's breasts.
- How cross-eyed are they? Like, Stuart Scott cross-eyed or, like, Lucy Liu cross-eyed? Which is kind of attractive.
[ sighs .]
Rutherford events is planning her wedding, okay? That's the great news.
Do you know how huge this could be for us? Literally, we can make more money Saturday than we did the entire month of June in one day.
No, no.
Next Saturday? See, I can't do it.
- I promised Ingrid I'd book her a spa day.
- No, Eddie.
No.
And the first rule of spa day is you do not move spa day.
If we impress Rutherford, we're in a whole new league, man.
Red roof inn we're not playing there anymore.
Five-star from this point forward, eddie.
Yeah, sure, while we're all selling out, why don't we lease some priuses and have betty white join our supergroup? - Please tell him to sit down.
- No! I can't.
We are an indie wedding band.
Rutherford will put us into a box, - slap some barcode on our asses - Okay.
Boop! Boop! Okay, then I will tell Sara that she can go with her second choice Armageddon it.
Well, that's a game-changer.
Okay.
But if we do this, we go all-in.
I'm gonna drum in a gerbil ball that floats over the audience, and Stevie here, put you in a Jamiroquai hat, have you dance the robot.
Hey, man, I'm not wearing no Jamiroquai hat, man.
Come on.
- You don't have to wear a Jamiroquai hat.
- Don't listen to him.
Eddie? Eddie.
- Huh? - Come on.
Man up.
Move spa day.
It would help pay for green dolphins.
- Don't know what that means.
- Again, man up.
Bro.
[ smacks lips .]
You know what? I think I will have one of those beers.
Yeah! Yeah, you will! There he is! There he is! I'll just put it in this juice box so Ingrid doesn't get wise.
The next two weeks is total gridlock.
Bill Gates wants an island-themed birthday party, so now I got to find a way to ship in sand from Fiji.
That'll be a blast to get through customs.
There's two weddings, a father/son bris, and doctors are giving us a 50/50 chance the Mansfield funeral is also on Saturday.
[ chuckles .]
I'll keep my fingers crossed? That's why I'm giving you the Sara Jablonsky wedding.
This is your baby.
Wait.
It really is? Because last month, you told me you were giving me a promotion, - and then it didn't really - I'm empowering you, Rachel.
This is your time to shine.
The best thing I can do is just step out of the way.
Roxie, that means the world to me that you believe in me.
You have no idea, really.
Thank you.
You know, when I look at you, Rachel, it's almost like I'm looking at myself in the mirror.
Oh.
Only I don't like the necklace I'm wearing.
UmWell, hey, I have, uh, My first update as full-fledged wedding planner.
Oh.
Sara called me this morning, and she's chosen a band, but it's not, um Armageddon it.
Her loss, your baby.
Empowerment.
It's just that, uh, Sara's going a little bit farther off the grid than I thought, so I just wanted to show this to you and see what you think.
I ain't no hollaback girl few times I been around that track Lead singer's kind of cute In that gas-station bathroom-stall hookup - Kind of way.
- That's actually sara's, um, ex-boyfriend.
I'm not gonna step in.
This one is all yours.
Actually, I am.
I know lead singers.
I have been in their minds.
[ chuckles .]
And it is not up here.
I know.
Sorry.
45 minutes late.
No, that's cool.
Set my over/under at an hour, so you're about 15 minutes early.
You're still doing the over/under thing, huh? - Eddie.
Hi.
- Sara.
- Matthew: Oh! It's the band! - Stevie: Hey.
I'm Matthew.
This is my fiancé.
And probably your band's biggest fan.
My favorite track "Love piñata.
" Oh, cool.
You played him our ballad.
That is one great song to make love to.
[ chuckles nervously .]
Hey, everybody.
I am Rachel, the wedding planner.
- Hey, Rachel.
- Hey.
What do you guys say we go ahead and move this meeting on down to chinatown? I'm confused.
I thought the meeting was here.
- Parking was like 7 bucks.
- No, it's here.
It's here.
I was just calling the conference room chinatown.
If you guys want to just follow me to the conference room Be nice.
What do you mean, "be nice"? - What did I do? - Why are you doing that to her? [ cellphone rings .]
- Come on.
- Hold on.
[ cellphone beeps .]
- Hello? - Roxie: Oh, I am so onto you.
You have got a textbook case of lead-singer syndrome.
Cool.
UmWho is this? Always onstage, never get enough of the spotlight.
You're standing under a halogen right now.
How did you who? Is this Rutherford? Are you watching? Where are you? I'm everywhere.
You screw up this wedding and I will cut off your balls and wear them as earrings.
Well, that's kind of a bad idea.
One might hang lower than theOther one.
So, as a band, you are doing way more than playing music at this wedding.
You are also in charge of being the emcees.
- Now, as the emc - Ah! I'm so sorry.
I had no idea that you already started.
Hey.
Well, you know what? You just continue right along.
I will sit down right here and you won't even know I'm here.
You just continue on.
Okay.
Hi.
Hi.
Uh, now, as the emcees, it's your job to make sure that the night runs really smoothly, so I went ahead and made this run sheet for you to follow, and you just need to follow it like the bible.
Or like the koran, because we're very tolerant here.
We also do african-american weddings.
That's That's good.
I'm sure the insurance premiums are much higher.
We don't mind.
[ laughter .]
Oh, my god.
So I just lost my place again.
Where were we? - Bible.
- Bible.
Or koran.
[ chuckles .]
Which is perfect, because if there's anything that we preach here at Rutherford events, it's that the perfect wedding has no surprises.
Raging party.
No surprises.
Good times.
Hey, guitar pit, maybe you should lose the name tag before you beat those skins on saturday.
[ clicks tongue .]
Finally, the band set list.
for the first dance, the bride and groom have requested, uh "Making love out of nothing at all.
" W- what? - What? - Roxie: Really good choice.
Tommy, it's the one that is like - making love - No, no, it doesn't go like that.
I know the song.
It goes making lo-o-o-o-o-ve out of nothing at all - Well, I said it - at a-a-a-ll at all I know that's beautiful.
- What? - Do you have a problem with that, Tommy? No.
No problem.
Right? No.
It's just it's an interesting choice.
That's all.
It's our song.
Isn't it, honey? - Matthew: Yes, it is.
- It's your song.
Tommy: You sure this is the place? This is it.
Hey, if, uh, Stevie's studio is lame-o And we want to bail, code word cowbell.
[ cowbell rings .]
Cowbell.
- What are the odds of that? - What up, fellas? Stevie: Come on in.
Make yourself at home.
This is ridonk! [ laughs .]
Are you kidding me? Stevie, you said you played on a few albums, but this is crazy.
You did not play with Bon Jovi.
What? A black man can't be in a hair band? No, it's just a little suspect.
Your picture's not on any of these album covers.
Dude.
Life of a session musician, man.
Nothing against us, but why would you want to play with us? You cats don't even know what you have, do you? Okay, look.
Normally, I get the call, I go in, I hit my spot, and I leave, right? But all these guys on these albums, they all belong to something special.
Just like the three of you.
I didn't want to miss out this time.
Yeah, this is way more special than what we have.
It's kind of amazing.
[ chuckles .]
It's nice, huh? It really is.
Yeah.
- [ laughs .]
You want to go see it? - Okay.
Come on.
Stevie? Can I take these for a spin? Don't let go You've got the music in you One dance left This world is gonna pull through Don't give up You've got a reason to live Can't forget You only get what you give [ guitar solo .]
[ solo intensifies .]
[ cellphone rings .]
Whoa! Hold on! I got to I got to bolt.
I got to meet ingrid at green dolphins.
- Are you serious? - Yes.
Hey, you better towel off or she'll know something's up.
Whoa, whoa, wait.
Hold on.
You told her about Saturday, right? Look, look, it's okay.
I have the perfect alibi.
While she's getting shiatsu'd, I'm gonna "take the kids" to see yo gabba gabba! Already ordered the concert t-shirts online.
Heists don't take that much planning.
Hey, before you go, I need your tux size.
You are gonna e-mail it to Sara, right? Uh, no.
I'm gonna meet her and Matthew there.
- Is that okay? - It's all right? [ feedback .]
What Eddie is suggesting is that Sara hit the super lotto with Matthew.
- That is what I'm suggesting.
- So I'm like Dollar Keno? What is It's okay! It's okay.
Just, permission to be brutally honest? No! 'cause this is silly.
No.
Yes.
Yes, please.
No, no, no, no.
Look, look, you are like that guy in the romantic comedy that the girl just thinks she should be with but the audience knows there's just no future.
Wow.
That was my best friend telling me that I'm the dick in the rom-com.
- Yes.
- Barry: Hey, man Bigger the dick, better the front man.
[ laughter .]
Sara: Matthew's sorry he couldn't be here.
Uh, yeah, first, you want me to play your wedding, then you want me to play our song Our song? Are you kidding me? You put it on that mix as a joke.
Were we not making out when that song came on? You did a spit take in my mouth.
How is that not our song? Well, Matthew chose it, okay? Is there anything else you want to get off your chest? Oh, there are a couple things I can't seem to wrap my hands around.
[ chuckles .]
Oh, boy.
Stop it, stop it, stop it.
If you must know they are fake.
But they're real.
They're 100% biodegradable.
All right.
So, when Matthew goes motorboating, he's actually saving the environment, huh? [ laughs .]
Why don't you ask Matthew's dad? He did them.
Doesn't seem a little creepy? See, Tommy, this is what I miss.
You don't take anything seriously.
Eh, you didn't You hated that, though, when we were together.
When I'm with you, I don't take anything seriously, either.
You should, you know? You're, uh, you're getting married.
I love Matthew.
[ sighs .]
I do.
But there's this electricity between us, Tommy.
No.
No, there's not.
- Sara! You in there? - Matthew! Hey! Yeah, we are.
Perfect timing.
Sure could use a second opinion.
You made it! - Oh, boy.
- Surprise.
All right.
- Ready for our final dance lesson, sweetheart? - I am.
- Merengue.
- Eh, if you feel it, dance it.
Guess the next time I see you, I'll be walking down the aisle.
Yeah, you will.
Adios.
[ chuckles .]
[ chuckles .]
Yeah, she will.
[ sighs .]
Emergency numbers are on the fridge.
[ children laughing .]
Dinner's pre-made.
Just reheat 45 seconds on high.
Okay? Enjoy your cinnamon facial and stone massage.
Okay, you guys having fun and you get it together.
- Is it "go" time, daddy? - Oh, it's "go" time, sweetie.
[ breathing heavy .]
Tommy: Finally! Hurry! Let's go! Let's ridede! Holy Didie: Would you look at this f'ing place? Tommy: Promise me we'll never play at the Tractor Tavern again.
You guys are a hour late.
I'll blame the sitter.
We had to pick her up at the mall.
Sorry.
Yeah.
Sitter.
Great.
You brought kids to an all-adult wedding.
- Thank you.
- Why am I carrying a nitrous tank? We're gonna top the condom drop.
No.
No.
You're not topping anything.
There's no nitrous.
There's no condoms.
You're gonna take the little kids and the sitter to the toddler center, and then you are gonna play some pre-ceremony music.
[ "Fuer Elise" plays .]
Right now! Oh.
Thank you so much.
Who's ready to get married?! You are! We are! [ "Fuer Elise" continues .]
The bride wants to see you.
Did you tell her I'm kind of busy right now? She's refusing to come down until you go up there.
Okay.
Keep playing.
Just keep playing.
I'll be right back.
Uh, excuse me.
Selfish d-bag? Yeah, you.
What do you think you're doing? Look, when are you gonna realize your actions affect other people, you f'ing f'er? Hold do me a favor, all right? If you're gonna chew me out, stop cursing at me like I'm 4.
Sorry.
Daddy v-chip.
Is that honestly what you think I'm up to? You think I'm being selfish? I think it's a cock-jerk reaction to Sara marrying another guy.
- It's a cock-jerk reaction.
- Yeah, that's right cock-jerk.
Isn't it nice having a big-boy argument like this? I'm not gonna let you break up a wedding over some girl you might want to date.
You go up there, you're gonna have to give Sara a real commitment.
Are you ready to be that family in the Disney Cruise ad? You know, go journey the turquoise caribbean waters.
Go snorkeling with Mickey and Goofy and Donald and all your other favorite characters.
- Are you ready for that? - Did you just book that trip? Felt guilty lying to Ingrid, so we set sail next month.
Uh, I f'ing lied.
Sara broke up with me.
The reality is, she couldn't handle the fact that I was more committed to you and Barry.
More you.
I let her go so I could focus on us getting signed.
Sothere.
We've shared, and I feel good about this.
Why didn't you just tell me? I didn't want you to feel guilty.
I've always been kind of a selfish d-bag.
[ "Fuer Elise" continues .]
[ clears throat .]
Is there anything we should know? Everything's super.
Keep smiling.
Keep playing.
[ chuckles nervously .]
Good.
'cause Rutherford just got here.
I got to warn Tommy.
Juststall.
[ grunts .]
I can't get this vest to stay tucked.
Hey, is that Eddie? He's not at yo gabba gabba.
[ camera clicks .]
Barry, what's the longest song you can think of? 1, 2, 3, 4.
[ "Frankenstein" plays .]
Oh, that feels so good.
[ cellphone beeping .]
- What the - Oh! Oh.
Hi.
Hey.
Hmm.
Two minutes in there, and then I'm coming in, all right? And I'm warning you no surprises.
- You might want to tell that to Sara.
- Can you? Rachel, why isn't the bride at the altar? - Hi.
- Everybody's down there.
Everyone's ready.
Roxie, you're here.
What are you doing here? And you look fantastic.
- Thank you.
- Can I just say that? - And Sara's doing great.
She's - Okay.
Oh, no, but she - she's She's just requested to be alone right now.
Super-super-alone.
Ohhhhh.
[ chuckling .]
Yeah.
I get it.
She's paddling the pink canoe.
[ chuckles .]
- I'm not familiar with that one.
- Oh, it's a tradition.
Brides do it to calm those nerves on the big day.
I did it before all three of my weddings.
Once during.
How dare you send me flowers, Tommy?! Today?! I thought I did a nice thing.
They're it's purple.
It's your favorite color, right? "Iris" favorite goo goo dolls song.
And what about this? What are you trying to tell me? It's a tiny card, Sara.
Didn't think it'd be so complicated.
"To Sara" that's you, right? "you're marrying the right guy.
"I wish you and matthew a lifetime of happiness.
- Your friend, Tommy.
" - You don't mean this.
We just we didn't want it to end.
[ sighs .]
Do you hear a man's voice in there? Oh, it's probably Sara talking dirty to herself.
Oh.
Yes.
You're the one that got away.
You always were.
But the worst part, Sara, is that I have to let you get away again.
What? Wait.
What? I've done enough of these weddings to know that what you're hearing right now is the pitter-patter of cold feet.
I don't have cold feet.
Okay? I can't be getting cold feet.
- Sara, hey - I'm wearing $800 Louis Vuittons! You got to trust me.
You got to trust me on this one.
You hit the super lotto with Matthew.
- I did.
- You really did.
- Didn't I? - You did.
Do you know one of his favorite hobbies is making scented candles? Of course his hobby is making scented candles.
- Does he put the sun-dried orange slices - The little slices.
See? The dude's out of a Diane Lane movie.
I'm not gonna let you run away from that guy.
[ both sigh .]
Thank you.
You've grown up.
Champagne.
Couldn't hurt.
Help with the nerves.
[ chuckles .]
[ cork pops .]
Ohh! [ hissing .]
Oh, my god! - What was that? - I didn't hear anything.
You popped my breast! You know, I highly doubt that.
- Those things are made to be played with.
- It's deflating! All right, lower the gown.
Lower the gown.
I'm going in.
Now is not the time to cop a feel! It's purely medical.
I promise.
- The other one.
- I know that.
I needed a reference point, okay? [ "Frankenstein" continues .]
This is the biggest mistake of my life.
I think you may be overreacting.
My fiancé is outside.
I will get you through this.
You will go down there, you will exchange some vows, do the cute dance with the niece, play the moment of suspense with the cake Romantic finger feed or crowd favorite cake in the face.
I know I'm dying to find out.
- Oh, gee - He popped my implant.
When are men gonna realize there is a right and a wrong way to handle a woman's breasts? You cannot twist it around like a balloon animal.
I didn't do this on purpose.
The champagne cork it hit her point-blank.
Oh, my first wedding's ending up in the E.
R.
I knew it.
Hey, nobody calls off one of my weddings until I say so.
Oh, I should have never hired this band.
Unh! Oh, geez! Where's ground zero? Here? [ groans .]
Okay.
[ sighs .]
It sounds fi Ohhhh.
Oh, wait.
[ air whistling .]
Yep, yep, there is.
There's a whistle.
[ sighs .]
Oh, no.
This is all my fault.
Sara, I'm gonna make sure that you have your dream wedding today.
- She needs a doctor! - There is one at the altar! Matthew's dad is the best boob-repair guy in seattle.
[ "Frankenstein" continues .]
[ sighs .]
We have an emergency.
Can you follow me and laugh so the guests don't suspect anything's wrong? [ both laugh .]
What? [ door opens .]
What the heck is going on here? Sir, it is so nice to meet you.
I'm Sara's ex.
- Ohh! Oh, whoa! - Eddie: That's my front man! Aah! Not the dress! Ow.
[ sighs .]
I got this.
Look, I don't approve of how this went down, either, okay? Tommy can be a real pain in the ass Yeah, I can seconded.
but he's my best friend.
And if he says that they're in love, - then they belong together.
- We're not in love.
- Nothing happened.
- No.
But I saw your hands all over her Justin Biebers.
Yeah, that's because he broke one.
Broke one what? Broke a Bieber.
Oh, my god.
Dude, do you think they'll be cross-eyed again, or? You think you can plug it? It's not a tire.
I need to get her back to my office, run some x-rays.
The way I see it, doc, We can tell your son that his wedding has been canceled Which means People might ask questions.
What kind of questions, Eddie? Perhaps one of the good doctor's clients will want to know why Sara was rushed off in an ambulance.
Oh, my god.
If you think BP had a P.
R.
nightmare with that spill in the gulf, imagine how your clients would react to hearing that one of your fun bags blew.
Boom.
- Where's sara? - Um I can't take this anymore.
I'm gonna go find out myself.
Oh, no, no! No, no.
It is really, really bad luck to see the bride before the wedding.
Well, it's also bad luck when my fiancée is 30 minutes late, so I'll go find out.
Uh Yuh [ "Frankenstein" continues .]
I have to build a brace.
Like a like a boob sling? Basically, yeah.
Would a g-string work? I think an e-string would be better.
Matthew: Sara! [ pounding on door .]
Sara?! One second, darling! all is well, all is [ knocking on door .]
- Sara?! - Pounding will stress her out.
Honey? Honey, is everything okay in there? - Sara! S - Oh.
Sorry.
Everything's great.
Oh, my god.
Is that Sara's blood? Don't be ridiculous.
That's Eddie's Eddie's blood.
- Rache.
Rachel, Rachel - Yes? Key.
Your baby.
Stepping out of the way.
- Can you use the key, please? - Oh, now? Okay.
[ gasps .]
I'm sorry I kept you waiting.
- Oh.
- Ooh.
Gorgeous.
Ingrid.
Oh! You look so Relaxed.
This whole awkward thing is exactly why I'm not married.
But you don't have to g- I just love you.
I just wanted a day for myself.
- Not a tall order here, Eddie.
- I know.
And I'm sorry.
It's just Really? I wanted to be the hero.
[ scoffs .]
If we impress this event planner and she keeps booking us, we'll be able to afford green dolphins.
Please.
Stay.
[ scoffs .]
You haven't seen us play since we had Janie.
[ cheers and applause .]
[ "Making love out of nothing at all" plays .]
I know just how to whisper and I know just how to cry I know just where to find the answers and I know just how to lie I know just how to fake it and I know just how to scheme I know just when to face the truth and then I know just when to dream and I know just where to touch you and I know just what to prove I know when to pull you closer and I know when to let you loose but I don't know how to leave you and I'll never let you fall and I don't know how you do it making lo-o-o-ve [ cheers and applause .]
out of nothing at all out of nothing at all out of nothing at all out of nothing at all out of nothing at all out of nothing at all lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ve making love lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ve out of nothing at all out of nothing at all making love out of nothing at all out of nothing at all out of nothing at all Whoo! Yeah! [ guitar solo .]
Whoo! Whoo-hoo! I caught it.
Yeah! Whoo! [ cheers and applause .]
Yeah! [ song ends .]
Stevie: Whoo! Hello.
I'll admit things looked bleak, but I feel like we came together and we dodged a bullet tonight.
I think you mean "cork.
" Was that a spontaneous joke? [ giggles .]
What happened to "no surprises"? I'll have you know, when I'm in my yoga pants and not in this outfit I have quite the ribald sense of humor.
I think you should go put on your yoga pants and we should go somewhere and you can explain to me what "ribald" means.
Tommy, I'm getting married.
Really? Is everybody engaged? Don't ask me how, but we lost Stevie.
What do you mean, you lost Stevie? How do you lose a grown man in a leather tuxedo? [ cowbell rings .]
Ah.
- Hey! - Hey! What's up, man? What happened to you last night? We lost you after the wedding.
- Yeah, nice french exit, canadian.
- Yeah, I checked the videographer footage No sign of you after the third encore.
No, you know, I just caught a ride with someone.
[ woman sneezes .]
- What was that? - What? - I heard something.
- I heard a noise, too.
- Yeah, me too.
- Sounded like a person.
- It's nothing.
- What if it's a cougar? Dude, you got the country cougar back there the "I will survive" one? You caught me.
[ laughs .]
Hey, and, honestly, I almost didn't survive.
[ laughs .]
She behind me? Hello.
Rutherford.
You guys were fabulous last night.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
- You really made the wedding.
- It's what we try and do.
Barry: We're like a four-man vegas.
Whatever happens at a mother of the bride show Barry and Tommy: Stays at a mother of the bride show.
Till you get their wedding DVD.
Well, this morning is your lucky day, because I have yet to hire a band for Bill Gates' 56th.
Billy Gates? - Of course, if you screw it up - I know.
You'll you'll - you'll hang my things on your thing.
- Well, actually, I was thinking that eight might make a nicechoker.
- See you.
- Did you do something? [ door closes .]
Same outfit as last n - Oh! What was that? - Bill gates! Dude! - What?! - Okay, Captain change-the-subject.
[ laughter .]
- We got to think about this for a second.
- Yeah, yeah.
What could we possibly give the world's richest man that he couldn't get for himself? You make him an honorary member of the band.
The key is to find the right song that gets that windsor knot to drop.
I said, it's gettin' hot in here so hot so take off all your clothes Oh! I am gettin' so hot I wanna take my clothes off Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! it's gettin' hot in here - Keep playing.
- Oh, I will if you will.
I am gettin' so hot, I wanna take my clothes off I was like, good gracious, ass is bodacious flirtatious, tryin' to show patience lookin' for the right time to shoot my steam [ thud .]
Ow! I'm leavin', please believe in me and the rest of my heathens Check it! got it locked at the top of the four seasons penthouse, rooftop, birds I'm feedin' no deceivin', nothin up my sleeve and no teasin' I need you to get on up Good night, Keith Moon.
- Come with mommy.
- What? Oh, if I was singing Coldplay, you'd let them stay? Sellout! and can't nobody stop the juice so, baby, tell me, what's the use? I said, it's gettin' hot in here so hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot