Wedding Band (2012) s01e05 Episode Script
Get Down on It
1 What seems to be the problem, officer? I don't suppose your license and registration are in there.
[ sighs .]
You want to explain why you were doing 90 in a prius? I was going 90? Really? Wow.
Wow.
These green cars are absolutely silent.
Well, then you ought to have heard my siren.
Oh.
Well, I'm sorry.
I was blasting pandora on the radio, thinking about those poor children.
They have that horrible disease.
Ohh! Yeah, I'm organizing this auction.
Charity auction, actually for Keckinger's disease.
- I'm sure you've heard of it.
- Nope.
Exactly.
Exactly why I need to raise awareness for these poor, unfortunate children.
And I need you to show up in court Monday in a turtleneck.
S01E05 Get Down on It Eddie: Are we really going on about this still? - We are absolutely going on about this.
- Still? No.
- Stevie, I need your opinion on something.
- You don't need to ask Stevie.
- You can't stop me now because I'm here.
- Lay it on me, daddy.
Okay, so, this man goes to New Orleans for the first time, right? You got music.
You got culture.
You got beads.
You got all the stuff that New Orleans has, right? Tell him what your first response was.
You're really making a meal out of this.
Tell him what your first response was.
I said I thought the food was great.
He thought the food was great.
- What's wrong with that? - The food.
- Food is great.
- Thank you.
Jambalaya, crawfish, étouffée.
Yeah.
Stop it, stop it.
Two years ago, the food wouldn't have even been in your top-five list.
You're getting soft.
That's what's going on.
You know what we should do? We should go on that band diet.
Blink 182 did it, and they lost 30 pounds together.
Tommy: That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard.
- I would disappear.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Stevie, that is a fender mustang special with a dual enforcer humbucking pickups.
- Where did you get that? - Okay, look, this cannot get out, okay? All this gear Courtney Love's.
- What? - She's been hanging here for a few days.
That explains the weird vibe I was getting.
Look, it's always been my dream to make this place into a real recording studio.
No, stop you're telling me that Courtney Love wants to record her next album - Hole's.
Hole's.
- Hole's next album here, in your place? - Why didn't you tell us? - No way.
I didn't want to jinx it.
Plus, you know, there's the whole confidentiality thing.
if the media finds out, then the whole thing just goes away.
Barry: Oh, yeah, you do not want to mess with Courtney Love.
She'll rip your face off, but only if you deserve it.
This is her Rickenbacker 4003? - Yeah.
It's a sweet bass.
- Oh, it's such a sweet bass.
A sweet bass.
Oh, goodness.
Barry, don't touch it.
Wait a minute.
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Now, when is she coming back for this? Well, she's at a spa up in Vancouver.
She wanted to, you know, clear her mind before she made her decision.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Let's take inventory for -- for a minute.
We have we have a mustang special, right? We have a Rickenbacker with this beautiful Gretsch drum kit, and we have a gig in an hour.
No.
No.
Absolutely not.
- She'll never know.
- She'll know.
- She'll never know.
- No.
What if it got dinged? - We're not gonna ding it.
- It's not gonna get dinged.
This is Tom Cruise with his daddy's porsche in "Risky Business.
" - That's what this is.
- Exactly.
- I didn't see the movie.
- Nothing happens to the porsche.
The porsche comes back spotless.
- Totally fine.
- Totally fine.
You know what your 15-year-old version of you would do for passing this up? He would kick you in the nuts.
- Hard.
And he'd laugh at you.
- Hard! You do not want to be soft, like this guy here.
You don't want to be this man.
You don't want to be me.
Come on.
What's the harm in having a little fun? [ "Get down on it" plays .]
[ crowd cheering .]
What you gonna do? You want to get down? Get down on it Get down on it Get down on it Get down on it How you gonna do it if you really don't want to dance by standing on the wall? Get your back up off the wall Tell me How you gonna do it if you really won't take a chance by standing on the wall? Get your back up off the wall 'cause I heard all the people saying Get down on it come on and Get down on it if you really want it Get down on it you got to feel it Get down on it get down on it I say, people What?! What you gonna do? You got to get on the groove if you want your body to move [ giggles .]
Tell me, baby whoo! How you gonna do it if you really don't want to dance by standing on the wall? Get your back up off the wall 'cause I heard all the people saying Get down on it Get down on it Get down on it Whoo! Get down on it [ scatting .]
[ cheers and applause .]
[ birds chirping .]
Roxie, how are you? It's not like you to be late.
I got a speeding ticket.
Can you believe that? You always get off with a warning.
I know.
It's the one time that my mojo didn't work.
It was one of those women-hating women cops.
Ugh! I need you to take care of it.
Monday morning, 9:00 sharp.
Oh, I can't appear as you in court.
That's illegal.
Just wear something sexy and play the victim.
Judges lap that up.
Wow, look at all these sponsors.
I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner.
Uh, that reminds me--- the father of the bride wants to see you over at the stagg chili boat.
[ chuckles .]
- Starboard side.
- Take that, too.
Thanks.
I'll take one of those.
Come on, Ron.
I got sponsors to underwrite $100,000 for your daughter's dream wedding.
How about we scratch each other's backs? I'm hosting this charity auction to raise awareness for Keckinger's disease.
- I've never heard of it.
- And I need donations.
You think anybody here might need some tax deductions? Oh, throw a rock, starting with, uh Larry.
[ laughing .]
Yeah.
Roxie, yeah, we've met.
Top-10 night.
Haven't seen you since theWedding.
Oh, sorry I'm a wedding planner, so just a few more specifics might help.
It's me LarryPants.
Larry Pants.
You were wearing that knockout black dress.
- Still nothing.
- We were, uh, stuck in the elevator.
I had to push out the ceiling panel.
We climbed up the [ laughs .]
the elevator shaft.
You know, I bought my daughter's wedding gift from Larry Ryan Gosling's dental molds.
[ chuckles .]
Larry: Yeah, I deal in hard-to-finds.
I got the largest, signed sports memorabilia collection in Seattle.
Boom.
Oh! Now I remember that elevator.
- [ laughing .]
How could you forget that? - Sorry.
My brain is just so cluttered with this, charity auction for Keckinger's disease.
Keckinger's that's a - Charity.
- Charity, yeah.
- For the, uh - Kids.
For the kids.
Yeah, sure.
Did you find a-a fix? - No, no, no.
Not yet.
- Oh.
That's why we need donations.
Sure.
Yeah, well, I can do that.
Yeah.
- Well, the press will be there, right? - Yeah.
In fact, Seattle lifestyle magazine is gonna do a piece.
Oh.
Well, maybe we can get a photo.
You wear that knockout black dress, I'll donate anything you want.
[ clearing throat .]
Anything.
[ laughs, growls .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughing .]
Yeah.
[ indistinct conversations .]
Hey, hey.
Great job up there today.
You can go ahead and go.
We're we're cool.
Oh, we should get those instruments back to the studio.
Tommy: No, no, no.
- We didn't do the toast.
- Or the first dance.
About that You're not headlining.
[ chuckles .]
I'm sorry.
Wait.
We're an opening act at a wedding? For who? Uh, it's "for whom?" and it's Justa Krush.
Ooh, girl I'm feeling you They're a boy-band cover band and Seattle's hottest new act on the scene.
Barry, how do you know about them? I do my recon.
The one in the lid is shane.
He's the brains, choreographer, fashion designer.
They might look 15, but they're fully developed douche bags.
Just don't start anything.
We're adults.
We're not gonna start anything.
- Start what? Your period? - Really? You want to take off your glittery wristband and say that to my face? Not into violence.
Just into music.
You're into music? You guys don't even play any instruments.
Our voices are our instruments.
I'm gonna strangle you with your headsets.
They're wireless, ass-face.
Okay, boys.
Can we just chill out? Shane, Quinn, let's keep it professional.
You're right, Mr.
Gold.
We should respect our elders.
Oh, this isn't over.
[ cheers and applause .]
[ "I want it that way" plays .]
yeah whoo! Whoo! You are my fire the one desire believe when I say I want it that way But we are two worlds apart can't reach to your heart when you say that I want it that way tell me why ain't nothing but a heartache tell me why ain't nothing but a mistake tell me why I never want to hear you say I want it that way [ cheers and applause .]
Oh, geez.
I can't.
But that's the Justa Krush? Seriously? I only asked them to headline because I wanted them to sign with me and get rid of that idiot manager, Gold.
Just admit it wasn't cool.
Kids with that kind of talent, with that late onset puberty They fill a demographic I'm trying to exploit.
Sweet 16s, quinceañeras, abstinence parties.
You really want to play those? Ooh, the hallucinogenic from 19th century bohemian France? Sign me up.
- That's absinthe.
- Oh, then no.
Okay.
Why don't you guys unwind, hit the after party.
It's being sponsored by Tequila Revolucion And Hello Kitty.
[ clicks tongue .]
Why don't we get Courtney's instruments back, like we agreed? Stevie, we'll just load them into the van.
Tommy: Eddie's right.
Tequila? Hello Kitty? That's a can't-miss combo.
What? Wait.
Barry? You're on load out.
I'm on it.
Good.
Energizing face lotion.
This will do wonders on my t-zone.
You want mine? I don't do face cream.
Hey, anybody want a face scrub for ahair product? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This stuff is like wife gold.
Get me major points with Ingrid.
Who's got the valet ticket? Oh, yeah, right, as if I'm gonna valet.
Barry, you were supposed to valet.
Barry, where'd you park the van? Uh It was right here, I swear.
You got my van stolen over 6 bucks, Barry?! It's not just the 6 bucks.
They move your seat.
They change the radio presets.
Courtney Love's instruments were inside.
I'm a dead man.
You are looking at a dead dead man walking! Well, if you need to escape back to Canada, I'll totally help you.
I got to call the police.
I got to call Ingrid.
What? No, no.
No cops.
This cannot get out.
The cops release that shit to the press.
He needs hey, look.
You're not alone.
We're a band, and what happens to you happens to all of us, okay? Great.
Then we're all dead.
Well, the first 24 hours are the most critical, so we need to move fast.
See? I knew it.
I shouldn't have listened to you.
Taking those instruments out was a bad idea.
I'll call the insurance company, maybe try to file a claim.
Would you guys listen to yourselves? You're going about this all wrong.
Once you file a claim, it is all over the internet.
Then Courtney finds out.
Okay, look, maybe they just took the van for the van.
- You know, the van's nice.
It's cool.
- Yeah.
Please.
They took it for the instruments.
The van's whatever.
Not whatever.
I spent a lot of time looking for a cool minivan.
[ laughs .]
You've gone soft like your husband.
Ingrid, you're in love with a minivan? - Yes.
- What would the 15-year-old you say? - She'd kick you in the nuts.
- Wow.
Hard.
Stevie, we are gonna find your instruments, and Hole is gonna record their album in your studio, I promise.
Now, I'm gonna go check all the music stores.
- I got pawnshops.
- I'll put a fake ad on craigslist, see if we get any bites.
And I'll loop in the department on the D.
L.
, you know, avoid the red tape, move quicker, And then I'll pick up Janie and Gibby from mom's house.
- Thanks, babe.
- Or and I'm spit-storming here Maybe the instruments never left the studio.
What are you saying? What I'm saying is this.
What the hell are you doing?! Problem solved.
Courtney's gonna be pissed, but not at us.
A break-in? We stage a break-in? You just staged an escape.
You broke my window from the inside! Right.
It's an inside job.
Right? [ chuckles .]
Or we clean this up and fix it later after we find the instruments, right? That's the pressing issue.
Bailiff: The honorable Taylor Pickwick.
The judge is a woman.
Great.
Court will now proceed with the case of Roxanne Rutherford.
Here! That's me.
I'm present.
No, you're not.
That's not Roxanne Rutherford.
That woman's a fraud.
Fraud is such a judgmental term.
[ chuckles .]
We're all guilty of something, right? Judge Pickwick: Ms.
Rutherford, it appears you think your schedule is above the law.
Oh, no, not at all, your honor.
It's just that doing good in the world, as you know, is very, very time-consuming.
Right.
Keckinger's disease.
- Oh, so you're aware of it? - Actually, no, I'm not.
Has no one heard of this disease? [ sighs .]
Keckinger's afflicts our future because, as a wise woman much like you once said, the children are our future.
That is why I am hosting a charity-auction event to raise awareness for [ gavel bangs .]
36 hours of community service.
Question.
Does my auction event count? What do you think? It's not my fault that my assistant posed as me, the poor little desperate grifter.
Excuse me, I am not her assistant anymore.
Given your dedication to children who are our future, we'll assign you an inner-city youth to mentor.
Next case.
[ sighs .]
Wow, first a lady cop and now a lady judge.
[ sighs .]
Kind of looks like you are losing your mojo with women.
[ elevator bell dings .]
Keckinger's is named after the doctor who discovered it.
It afflicts very young children, causing them to prematurely grow adult body hair.
Oh, there's just nothing sadder than a kindergartner with back hair or 6-year-old girls tweezing their chin.
Oh, can you imagine how tough it is for these kids? I know a little about tough.
Well, at least you can go on the playground without being called "beard boy.
" Hey.
Who's the kid? Oh.
This is Ben, my community service.
As if I'm not already doing enough.
Tell me he's not working for you, Roxie.
That's got to be a child-labor-law violation, right? If building character is against the law, then there is something wrong with the system.
Hmm.
Well, Ben, it's nice to meet you.
Good luck, my man.
You hitting that? Wha excuse me? Are you kidding me? [ chuckles .]
That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
Go file those papers.
Don't forget to vacuum after.
Stevie.
- It's Roxie.
- Stevie? Could I talk to you for a second? I, uh 'cause with this Keckinger's auction and everything, I really just can't give ben the time that he needs.
I was wondering if you might take him off my hands For, you know, like 36 hours.
And you're asking me because I'ma bass player.
I think you also make an exceptional role model.
Oh.
Cool, cool.
So, if I knew a white privileged girl who liked to party, I should probably introduce her to you because you're a party planner.
- [ laughs .]
Events.
- Events, events.
- Okay, you got me.
- I did.
I just thought because of that "blind side" movie, this whole thing would be something different.
- What? Like more inspirational? - Yeah.
That kid he's as overrated as that movie is.
I mean, I threw him a football.
It just hit him right in the head.
Hmm.
I'll make it worth your while.
- Okay.
Okay.
I'll watch the kid, but, uh - Okay.
you know, maybe we could, uh, rain-check that other thing.
Sure.
[ laughs .]
Good news is--- we found the van.
- Bad news - Please tell me you found them.
I'm sorry, Stevie.
The instruments weren't in the van.
But I lifted prints, scanned fibers, I ran a black light, and I found a tube sock And what appears to be a piece of fossilized del taco cheese.
Someone on a diet's not supposed to have del taco cheese.
That's not fair.
You can't use your "CSI" technology - to bust me on my eating habits.
- Well, maybe if somebody would stick to the couple's diet, you know, I wouldn't - Well, maybe the couple's diet is too hard, babe.
- Yeah, maybe I mean, cholesterol Tommy: Married couple, please? Can we focus? Sorry.
Uh, the only other evidence I found was a tiny drop of hair gel and some glitter in the console and this.
I believe it's called a purity ring.
Wait.
A virgin stole the van? Four virgins.
Justa Krush.
Those little bitches aren't even old enough to drive.
Why would they steal instruments? They can't even play them.
They're punking us.
Think about it, right? We were giving them a hard time about not playing anything, remember? Ooh.
I could call juvenile division, you know, and make sure No, no.
No cops, remember? Except for you when you're being awesome, like right now.
I think we should do this vigilante style.
We're gonna need an address for that.
Yeah, in order to track 15-year-old douche bags, we need to start to think like 15-year-old douche bags.
We're really gonna have to tunnel into their mind-set and imagine what a world's like with emoticons and "World of Warcraft" and Selena Gomez.
Tommy: They signed with Rutherford, so I think we can get their information from Rachel.
- Those are all great ideas, Barry.
- Yeah, definitely like that way better.
This way, go, scare the crap out of them, - get courtney's gear back.
- Yeah.
Which one of you is Stevie? [ sighs .]
The lady said she had to get something waxed, and she said you'd watch me until she got back.
Stevie: Uh Can I keep the cash? [ chuckles .]
I'm starting to get into these four-part harmonies, girl.
I think I'm really finding the mind-set.
Oh.
I think I'm going too deep.
[ singing in distance .]
Tommy: This is definitely the right house.
You thought my jacket was cool I said, "hey, girl tell me your name" you said you didn't want to play those kind of games Ooh, girl ooh, girl don't know what to do I don't know what to do I'm almost positive I'm feeling you You lip-synch your rehearsals out? What do you even do? When my mom gets back with her decaf mocha frappes, she's not gonna be happy you didn't take your shoes off.
We found something that doesn't belong to us.
And we thought we'd bring it back in person.
You feeling me? Tommy: This yours, Shane, huh? This your purity ring? I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, so you're no longer a passenger on the abstain train? Hey, you, baby spice, what you got behind your back? - What you reaching for, huh? - It's nothing.
No, it's nothing.
What you got, dude? Yep.
Ring tan line.
Bingo.
- It was shane's idea.
- Shut up, Quinn.
Just tell us where the instruments are or we'll tell your parents it's really simple.
We saw your van.
I mean, we just wanted to pull a prank on you guys, you know? We were just gonna fart-box it.
What's a fart-box? - Fart-box? - Yeah.
Cool new thing Fart up a place, leave it for someone else to smell, Maybe their room or their lunch box.
My minivan's been fart-boxed? - [ laughing .]
Yeah.
- Barry: I wish I was 15 again.
The younger generation has it so good.
Look, where are my instruments? That was Shane, too.
- Dude, shut up! - I'm sorry.
I told you he's the douche bag.
Shane, you and me one day Look, the instruments are not ours.
- They're Courtney Love's.
- Never heard of her.
- What? - Come on, Kurt Cobain's wife? Who the hell's that? Oh, tunneling into this mind-set is gonna give me permanent brain damage.
Just tell us where the instruments are.
Or we're gonna tell every pre-teen girl in Seattle that you only lip-sync.
- Where's our stuff? - It was just here.
Are you kidding me? You guys are lamer than auto-tune.
Dude, good call.
This guy's wise beyond his years.
Courtney's out of town for a few more days, right? Don't panic, okay? Don't panic.
We'll get Rach to comp a couple nights at the spa.
We'll keep Courtney on a massage table wrapped in eucalyptus.
- Everything will be fine.
- It's gonna be okay.
Ben, let's get you out of here.
Come on.
Whoa.
I'm not the issue here.
It's your focus.
In moments like these, you need to take a few steps back and look at things from a better perspective.
Whoa.
Ben's right.
Who lives next door? Mrs.
Butterworth.
Sure, security cameras caught something.
A better perspective.
Who are you, little dude? Hard candy? It's from Halloween.
- Thank you.
I'm all right.
- No, no, no.
We shouldn't have Tommy: You wouldn't happen to have the video footage of Shane's garage from last night, would you? Try the last 30 nights.
[ chuckles .]
Hey, Stevie, do you realize who we're hanging out with? - What? - I think Ben might be magic.
No, think about it.
"Family man," "shawshank "like a prayer" video, Ben.
- You've officially lost it.
- Textbook.
You met him at a low, when hope was lost check.
He gives you advice when we're at a crossroads check.
And he always says the perfect thing at the perfect time.
Trust me he's not magic.
And the person he's here to help doesn't believe in him checkmate.
Mrs.
Butterworth: Ah! Found it.
Maybe you could fast-forward them to to something going on first.
We need to work on a garage-entrance choreography Bingo! - Mr.
Gold?! - Barry: Your manager? Ex-manager.
Rutherford's handling us now.
[ cellphone rings .]
Ohh.
Tommy: Do you have any idea where we could find him? - He lives in Belltown.
I don't know.
- We've never been to his place.
We have enough evidence now, right? You think Ingrid could track him down? Hey, guys, that was Courtney.
She wants to record at my studio.
She'll be here in three days.
We're dead.
[ laughs .]
Okay, all right.
We have 72 hours to get the instruments back.
Perfect.
Let's go.
Thank you.
- Thank you for coming in, Mr.
Gold.
- Eh.
Where's Roxie? [ clears throat .]
Uh, she had to be in court again today.
It's a long story.
Listen, we are really sorry about poaching your band, and Roxie just wants people to work it out with you.
People don't understand how hard managing boy bands really is.
Grooming them, sheltering them, stunting their growth, And shielding their innocence from a world where people screw each other over for 5%.
You only got 5%? How much does Roxie get? Hey, there.
Remember us? - We're the opening act at the Nichols wedding.
- Should have been headlining.
We know you took the instruments from Shane's garage.
[ chuckles .]
Do you know how much they owed me in fees? I had to get something out of it.
I could have blackmailed them.
Shane? He's really 23.
He just can't grow body hair.
Like the opposite of keckinger's.
He suffers from abercrombie's disease.
Look, the way I see it, I took exactly what belonged to me.
Well, actually, those instruments belong to Courtney Love.
We just want the instruments back.
But I can't.
The instruments are gone.
I sold them.
Who'd you sell them to? - Nobody.
No - What are you scared of? [ gavel bangs .]
Your honor, it is so good to see you again.
Your robe brings out the highlights in your eyes.
Judge Pickwick: Ms.
Rutherford, that boy was your responsibility.
You boast of your personal charity, but I don't think you grasp what it means to help others.
And as we apparently cannot trust you with a child, let's try something with feathers.
[ gavel bangs .]
72 hours of community service with my personal charity, heal the sound.
Hello, Fender Mustang.
Roxie, there's something I need to tell you about the auction.
My female mojo? Completely gone.
That woman-hating judge found out that I pawned "blind side" off on Stevie and assigned me more community service.
Tomorrow, of course.
She's making me miss my Keckinger's auction.
What? That's your baby.
[ sighs .]
At least Sophie had a choice.
I feel like I might actually cry.
But I won't.
Crying is for manipulation, not emotion.
Rachel, I'm going to need you to I want you to To take over? - These kids need you.
- [ laughing .]
Oh.
[ clears throat .]
you can count on me.
I don't have a choice.
Did you want to tell me something? Uh, no, just that, uh, someday we'll find a cure.
I know we will.
Yeah.
So, Bagger Vance helped Matt Damon get his swing back.
and "green mile" helped cure Tom Hanks' impotence.
Hey, man, I'm not doing that.
I'm just saying for a dude who's supposed to be magical, you're really not pulling your weight around here.
For the last time, I'm not magical.
He always like this? Different shades, but yeah.
My two cents? Call that Courtney chick, face the music.
Barry: Face the music.
[ sighs .]
Just pick up the phone and call.
You never know what'll happen.
You know what? That's the most sense anyone's made in a while.
[ cellphone rings .]
I'm just Hello? Rachel? That's so strange.
I be right there.
You are not gonna believe it.
Rachel has the Mustang.
Of course she does.
Not magical, huh? Got my eye on you.
Ta-da! What are courtney's instruments doing in the Keckinger's auction? - They were donated.
- By who? Larry Pants, A memorabilia collector, who is hot for Roxie.
Gold must have sold him the gear.
What is that? Are they are they scuffed? Worse they're autographed and not by Hole.
The edge, flea, drum kit signed by Phil Collins.
Barry: Phil Collins? That's a bigger abomination than "Sussudio.
" I bet Pants forged and donated those instruments to get in Roxie's pants.
[ cellphone ringing .]
Pound it.
Right? Bam.
[ ringing continues .]
- It's Courtney.
- Don't answer it.
I have to.
The last time I missed her call, she sent somebody to my house.
Courtney, what up? How did those comp eucalyptus wraps go? What? Right.
How dare they? Cool.
No worries.
No.
Time to worry.
Courtney punched a yoga instructor in the down dog.
They kicked her out of the spa.
Courtney's home tomorrow.
[ chuckles nervously .]
Good times.
Ben, we need you.
Show us the way.
For the last time, Barry, I'm no mentor.
I need a mentor.
Oh, you want us to figure this out ourselves.
Here endeth the lesson.
Okay, we got to find a way to get those instruments back tonight.
Fine.
Just however you do it, don't let this get out.
This is not how we want to raise awareness for Keckinger's.
How will it get out? You just have to tell us where to find Pants.
[ both laugh .]
Larry Pants.
[ both laugh .]
The guy [ laughter continues .]
[ chuckles .]
This Cal Ripken signature is terrible.
Did I not teach you the inverted garland? [ speaks japanese .]
Tommy: Knock, knock.
Larry Pants.
[ snickers .]
You remember us? - No.
- Mother of the bride.
We played the Nichols wedding.
Oh.
I remember, uh, Justa Krush.
And we opened forthem.
Barry, stop it.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
Not a clue.
Hey, can I interest you guys in a signed Mike Schmidt rookie card? You bought our instruments from Mr.
Gold and then you forged autographs on them and you donated them to the Keckinger's auction.
Boys, I am the top memorabilia collector in the pacific northwest.
My signed jerseys are hanging in the governor's mansion.
Oh, really? Signed by who? That's right.
[ laughs .]
Setting aside your spurious accusation, I will not be further accused by a lowly wedding band who just fell out of their minivan.
Brad, Tim.
Listen, we sympathize.
Trying to buy yourself some goodwill.
Here's the problem we have Mr.
Gold on video.
We can draw a direct line from him to you.
Next thing you know, you end up in a witness stand.
[ laughing .]
Oh, okay.
Well, maybe I'll take my chances.
Well, maybe you're looking at a huge P.
R.
nightmare.
What do you think the governor will think? He'll probably take down that fake "King Felix" jersey you gave him.
And Roxie Rutherford.
I wonder what she'll be thinking.
Hmm.
Roxie? There's no reason to bring Ms.
Rutherford into this.
You know, Larry, I think there's a way of keeping you on her good side.
I like her good side.
Okay, I'm listening.
If we keep our stuff in the auction, how much do you think you can get for it? Oh, $10,000, $15,000.
Seems like a small price to pay to impress a roomful of potential new customers.
Just make sure you're the highest bidder and give it back to us.
Roxie, I think, would look at you assomeone special.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, she's got this knockout black dress.
We got a deal? Oh, yeah, we got a deal.
Get the hell out of my shop.
Go.
Bye.
Goodbye.
Trust him? Well, do we have a choice? Maybe.
Hey, hello.
Nice to see you.
Heck of a day for an auction, huh? Is everything set? - Affirmative.
- Yep.
Hey, you're here.
Of course you came.
Here to see us through our finest moment.
No, I'm not.
I came to say goodbye to Stevie.
- Hey.
- 'cause your work here is done.
You're off to help somebody else.
No.
I'm moving in with my grandparents.
Sure you are.
And he's gone, as inexplicably as he arrived.
- Are you kidding me? - What are you doing here? You were supposed to be taking care of the thing off campus.
I know.
It's handled.
It's fine.
Don't you say that to me.
Every time you say that, something terrible happens.
Would you relax? We don't want to blow this for you.
We know how important this is for you and Rutherford.
Eddie: Rachel, no matter what happens, we are here for Keckinger's.
Someday, they'll find a cure.
[ cellphone rings .]
Hmm! Hello, Roxie.
It's your proxy.
I just wanted to make sure my baby's being born with five fingers and five toes.
- Yes, Roxie.
- Uh-huh.
Because when I say it's my baby Uh, yes, Roxie.
Healthy as a clam.
Oh, scrub your bird.
Anyway, I'm sure you have everything under control.
I don't want you to feel like I'm trying to undermine your confidence or checking up on you.
Okay, ciao.
[ beep .]
Ciao.
I was totally checking up on her.
Oh, poor thing.
She's just drenched in flop sweat.
[ laughs .]
You're kind of cute.
[ laughs .]
Places to go, people to see.
[ indistinct conversations .]
Let's do this.
Backstage is for headliners only.
Shane.
What's up, washed-up? Doing a little early shopping? I think you mean stealing.
[ laughs .]
Both: Aw, purity.
Really, leotard? That's what you've got? You know what? You guys should lip-sync other people's jokes.
Could make it funnier.
Well, lip-sync this.
Call security.
I got a better idea.
How about we Justa Krush your faces in instead? Tommy: Get 'em, Barry.
[ screaming .]
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a very special event, hosted by the untman automotive museum, where seattle comes together to raise awareness for the Keckinger's kids.
[ applause .]
Someday, we will find a cure.
Seems like I got here just in time.
Roxie, what how did you I bartered with my supervisor for an early release.
Little advice.
You see an oil-soaked gull, just keep on walking.
Those little suckers are impossible to clean.
Ugh! Those feathers just come right off.
Emcee: What better way to kick things off than a performance from some very special kids.
That was surprisingly satisfying.
Tonight, justice is headlining.
Hey, guys can't say they didn't deserve it.
Hey, is, uh, Justa Krush supposed to play tonight? Boy-band cover band Justa Krush.
[ cheers and applause .]
Possibly.
[ spectators murmuring .]
- Who's is that? - I don't know.
[ chuckles .]
- Okay, we're playing.
All right.
- We are? - Yep.
- Um, go, go.
Here.
These things even work? [ "I want it that way" plays .]
You are my fire the one desire believe when I say that I want it that way but we are two worlds apart can't reach to your heart when you say that I want it that way Tell me why ain't nothing but a heartache Tell me why Wow.
ain't nothing but a mistake Tell me why I never want to hear you say I want it that way Yeah! I want it that way I want it that way [ cheers and applause .]
All right.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Uh, obviously, we're not Justa Krush.
Um They're a little younger than we are.
[ laughter .]
They couldn't be here tonight, so we tried our best to fill their tween-age shoes.
[ laughter .]
Speaking of large shoes to fill, I think we should give a, uh, big round of applause to Mr Mr.
Larry Pants.
[ cheers and applause .]
Thank you, Larry, for donating these instruments that we just had the opportunity to play.
Get up, Larry.
You deserve all of this love.
You're a fantastic man.
We're so happy to know you.
Thank you.
Number 96 on the catalog.
Emcee: Yes, item number 96, which is a set of collectible instruments that was just played by, uh by this group here.
And they are autographed by Flea, The Edge, and Phil Collins.
Ooh! We will begin the bidding at $10,000.
Do I hear 10k for Keckinger's kids? The night is young.
Your wallets are fat.
Let's go.
Who wants $10,000.
Larry Pants in for 10 large.
But come on, people.
He's bidding on his own item.
Open your hearts and your wallets for these kids.
- $12,000.
- There we go.
$12,000 from the lady in the second row.
Let's see if I can't push that price up a little higher.
$13,000.
Whoa! $13,000.
Do I hear $15,000? $15,000.
$15,000.
That's it.
We're done.
No more.
$25,000! Emcee: $25,000.
We have $25,000.
$30,000! $30,000.
Do I hear $35,000? $35,000! $35,000.
We have $35,000 going once.
$40,000! - $40,000 going once.
- $45,000! $45,000.
We have $45,000.
- Yes.
$45,000.
- No, no.
Going once Going twice 50 thousandDollars.
[ cheers and applause .]
- $50,000 going once - Please, no.
Going twice Sold to the original owner, Larry Pants, for $50,000.
A lot of hairy kids thank you, Mr.
Pants.
- Barry: We love you, Larry.
- Way to go, Larry.
[ chuckles .]
You know what warms my heart, Larry? Generosity, like the generosity that you showed today.
Yeah, cut the crap.
I know shill bidders when I see them.
$50,000, all I got from Roxie was her phone number.
There's only six numbers on this thing.
Brad, Tim, get those things out of here.
Hey, hey, wait.
You can't take those.
For $50,000, I can do whatever I want.
But those are Courtney Love's instruments.
Courtney Love? Well, that's good news.
I know a collector in Amsterdam who's gonna give me twice what I paid for them because of that.
That wasn't part of the deal.
[ laughing .]
You blew the deal.
So deal with that.
Get those things out of here, guys.
Let's go.
Bye-bye.
Golden.
Look at this.
Spotless, like it's brand-new.
Spick-and-span.
Right? Okay, what did we learn from all of this? I know how to solve a crime.
Barry should not be a mentor.
And I learned boy bands still suck.
Okay, all right.
Um, anything a little more significant? I learned that Larry Pants doesn't know the difference between real instruments and Fugazis.
How long do you think before Pants recognizes we did the backstage switch? Oh, probably about halfway on the way to Amsterdam.
[ laughs .]
What'd I tell you? What'd I tell you? We got the porsche back, didn't we? - Yes, we did.
- Yes, we did.
As my old friend Tom Cruise once said, "sometimes, you just got to say what the" [ cellphone rings .]
Can you get your phone, please? 'cause I'm in the middle of something.
- Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
- I'm in the middle of a thing.
Courtney, what's good? [ knock on door .]
Come on in! What? What's up? Yeah, they just showed up.
[ clears throat .]
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
- Everything's here.
- Hi.
Oh, yeah, I understand.
Yeah, of course.
Tommy: What's going on, fellas? That's cool.
All right, all right.
- This thing's special.
- Yeah.
It's pretty cool.
Courtney decided after the yoga-instructor incident, she needed to leave North America for a while, so Hole is recording their next CD in Geneva.
- We're going to Switzerland? - We're not going to Switzerland.
Stevie, man, I am so sorry.
That's All right.
So, what did we learn from this? It's a good thing we played those instruments.
We played Courtney Love's instruments.
- Yeah.
- That's awesome.
[ laughter .]
That's right.
Hmm.
Hang on.
I feel like we're forgetting something.
Like what? I don't know.
Something important.
No worries.
I'm sure it'll come to me.
Shane: Barry, let us out of here.
We've been in the closet too long let us out All: let us out of the closet Hi, I'm Roxie Rutherford, president and C.
E.
O.
of Rutherford Events.
I'm responsible for planning the most important moments in people's lives.
But, sometimes, there are certain things that you just can't plan for.
Of course, I'm talking about Keckinger's.
As a child I, too, had keckinger's.
Through experimental treatment, we managed to get my body-hair levels under control.
But not everyone is so lucky.
Meet Ritchie.
Come on.
So brave.
Children like Ritchie can't lead normal lives without being called names like "kinderwolf," "fur necklace," or "sweater boobs.
" Please help me raise awareness for Keckinger's, because the sooner people are aware, the sooner we can find a cure.
[ sighs .]
You want to explain why you were doing 90 in a prius? I was going 90? Really? Wow.
Wow.
These green cars are absolutely silent.
Well, then you ought to have heard my siren.
Oh.
Well, I'm sorry.
I was blasting pandora on the radio, thinking about those poor children.
They have that horrible disease.
Ohh! Yeah, I'm organizing this auction.
Charity auction, actually for Keckinger's disease.
- I'm sure you've heard of it.
- Nope.
Exactly.
Exactly why I need to raise awareness for these poor, unfortunate children.
And I need you to show up in court Monday in a turtleneck.
S01E05 Get Down on It Eddie: Are we really going on about this still? - We are absolutely going on about this.
- Still? No.
- Stevie, I need your opinion on something.
- You don't need to ask Stevie.
- You can't stop me now because I'm here.
- Lay it on me, daddy.
Okay, so, this man goes to New Orleans for the first time, right? You got music.
You got culture.
You got beads.
You got all the stuff that New Orleans has, right? Tell him what your first response was.
You're really making a meal out of this.
Tell him what your first response was.
I said I thought the food was great.
He thought the food was great.
- What's wrong with that? - The food.
- Food is great.
- Thank you.
Jambalaya, crawfish, étouffée.
Yeah.
Stop it, stop it.
Two years ago, the food wouldn't have even been in your top-five list.
You're getting soft.
That's what's going on.
You know what we should do? We should go on that band diet.
Blink 182 did it, and they lost 30 pounds together.
Tommy: That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard.
- I would disappear.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Stevie, that is a fender mustang special with a dual enforcer humbucking pickups.
- Where did you get that? - Okay, look, this cannot get out, okay? All this gear Courtney Love's.
- What? - She's been hanging here for a few days.
That explains the weird vibe I was getting.
Look, it's always been my dream to make this place into a real recording studio.
No, stop you're telling me that Courtney Love wants to record her next album - Hole's.
Hole's.
- Hole's next album here, in your place? - Why didn't you tell us? - No way.
I didn't want to jinx it.
Plus, you know, there's the whole confidentiality thing.
if the media finds out, then the whole thing just goes away.
Barry: Oh, yeah, you do not want to mess with Courtney Love.
She'll rip your face off, but only if you deserve it.
This is her Rickenbacker 4003? - Yeah.
It's a sweet bass.
- Oh, it's such a sweet bass.
A sweet bass.
Oh, goodness.
Barry, don't touch it.
Wait a minute.
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Now, when is she coming back for this? Well, she's at a spa up in Vancouver.
She wanted to, you know, clear her mind before she made her decision.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Let's take inventory for -- for a minute.
We have we have a mustang special, right? We have a Rickenbacker with this beautiful Gretsch drum kit, and we have a gig in an hour.
No.
No.
Absolutely not.
- She'll never know.
- She'll know.
- She'll never know.
- No.
What if it got dinged? - We're not gonna ding it.
- It's not gonna get dinged.
This is Tom Cruise with his daddy's porsche in "Risky Business.
" - That's what this is.
- Exactly.
- I didn't see the movie.
- Nothing happens to the porsche.
The porsche comes back spotless.
- Totally fine.
- Totally fine.
You know what your 15-year-old version of you would do for passing this up? He would kick you in the nuts.
- Hard.
And he'd laugh at you.
- Hard! You do not want to be soft, like this guy here.
You don't want to be this man.
You don't want to be me.
Come on.
What's the harm in having a little fun? [ "Get down on it" plays .]
[ crowd cheering .]
What you gonna do? You want to get down? Get down on it Get down on it Get down on it Get down on it How you gonna do it if you really don't want to dance by standing on the wall? Get your back up off the wall Tell me How you gonna do it if you really won't take a chance by standing on the wall? Get your back up off the wall 'cause I heard all the people saying Get down on it come on and Get down on it if you really want it Get down on it you got to feel it Get down on it get down on it I say, people What?! What you gonna do? You got to get on the groove if you want your body to move [ giggles .]
Tell me, baby whoo! How you gonna do it if you really don't want to dance by standing on the wall? Get your back up off the wall 'cause I heard all the people saying Get down on it Get down on it Get down on it Whoo! Get down on it [ scatting .]
[ cheers and applause .]
[ birds chirping .]
Roxie, how are you? It's not like you to be late.
I got a speeding ticket.
Can you believe that? You always get off with a warning.
I know.
It's the one time that my mojo didn't work.
It was one of those women-hating women cops.
Ugh! I need you to take care of it.
Monday morning, 9:00 sharp.
Oh, I can't appear as you in court.
That's illegal.
Just wear something sexy and play the victim.
Judges lap that up.
Wow, look at all these sponsors.
I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner.
Uh, that reminds me--- the father of the bride wants to see you over at the stagg chili boat.
[ chuckles .]
- Starboard side.
- Take that, too.
Thanks.
I'll take one of those.
Come on, Ron.
I got sponsors to underwrite $100,000 for your daughter's dream wedding.
How about we scratch each other's backs? I'm hosting this charity auction to raise awareness for Keckinger's disease.
- I've never heard of it.
- And I need donations.
You think anybody here might need some tax deductions? Oh, throw a rock, starting with, uh Larry.
[ laughing .]
Yeah.
Roxie, yeah, we've met.
Top-10 night.
Haven't seen you since theWedding.
Oh, sorry I'm a wedding planner, so just a few more specifics might help.
It's me LarryPants.
Larry Pants.
You were wearing that knockout black dress.
- Still nothing.
- We were, uh, stuck in the elevator.
I had to push out the ceiling panel.
We climbed up the [ laughs .]
the elevator shaft.
You know, I bought my daughter's wedding gift from Larry Ryan Gosling's dental molds.
[ chuckles .]
Larry: Yeah, I deal in hard-to-finds.
I got the largest, signed sports memorabilia collection in Seattle.
Boom.
Oh! Now I remember that elevator.
- [ laughing .]
How could you forget that? - Sorry.
My brain is just so cluttered with this, charity auction for Keckinger's disease.
Keckinger's that's a - Charity.
- Charity, yeah.
- For the, uh - Kids.
For the kids.
Yeah, sure.
Did you find a-a fix? - No, no, no.
Not yet.
- Oh.
That's why we need donations.
Sure.
Yeah, well, I can do that.
Yeah.
- Well, the press will be there, right? - Yeah.
In fact, Seattle lifestyle magazine is gonna do a piece.
Oh.
Well, maybe we can get a photo.
You wear that knockout black dress, I'll donate anything you want.
[ clearing throat .]
Anything.
[ laughs, growls .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughing .]
Yeah.
[ indistinct conversations .]
Hey, hey.
Great job up there today.
You can go ahead and go.
We're we're cool.
Oh, we should get those instruments back to the studio.
Tommy: No, no, no.
- We didn't do the toast.
- Or the first dance.
About that You're not headlining.
[ chuckles .]
I'm sorry.
Wait.
We're an opening act at a wedding? For who? Uh, it's "for whom?" and it's Justa Krush.
Ooh, girl I'm feeling you They're a boy-band cover band and Seattle's hottest new act on the scene.
Barry, how do you know about them? I do my recon.
The one in the lid is shane.
He's the brains, choreographer, fashion designer.
They might look 15, but they're fully developed douche bags.
Just don't start anything.
We're adults.
We're not gonna start anything.
- Start what? Your period? - Really? You want to take off your glittery wristband and say that to my face? Not into violence.
Just into music.
You're into music? You guys don't even play any instruments.
Our voices are our instruments.
I'm gonna strangle you with your headsets.
They're wireless, ass-face.
Okay, boys.
Can we just chill out? Shane, Quinn, let's keep it professional.
You're right, Mr.
Gold.
We should respect our elders.
Oh, this isn't over.
[ cheers and applause .]
[ "I want it that way" plays .]
yeah whoo! Whoo! You are my fire the one desire believe when I say I want it that way But we are two worlds apart can't reach to your heart when you say that I want it that way tell me why ain't nothing but a heartache tell me why ain't nothing but a mistake tell me why I never want to hear you say I want it that way [ cheers and applause .]
Oh, geez.
I can't.
But that's the Justa Krush? Seriously? I only asked them to headline because I wanted them to sign with me and get rid of that idiot manager, Gold.
Just admit it wasn't cool.
Kids with that kind of talent, with that late onset puberty They fill a demographic I'm trying to exploit.
Sweet 16s, quinceañeras, abstinence parties.
You really want to play those? Ooh, the hallucinogenic from 19th century bohemian France? Sign me up.
- That's absinthe.
- Oh, then no.
Okay.
Why don't you guys unwind, hit the after party.
It's being sponsored by Tequila Revolucion And Hello Kitty.
[ clicks tongue .]
Why don't we get Courtney's instruments back, like we agreed? Stevie, we'll just load them into the van.
Tommy: Eddie's right.
Tequila? Hello Kitty? That's a can't-miss combo.
What? Wait.
Barry? You're on load out.
I'm on it.
Good.
Energizing face lotion.
This will do wonders on my t-zone.
You want mine? I don't do face cream.
Hey, anybody want a face scrub for ahair product? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This stuff is like wife gold.
Get me major points with Ingrid.
Who's got the valet ticket? Oh, yeah, right, as if I'm gonna valet.
Barry, you were supposed to valet.
Barry, where'd you park the van? Uh It was right here, I swear.
You got my van stolen over 6 bucks, Barry?! It's not just the 6 bucks.
They move your seat.
They change the radio presets.
Courtney Love's instruments were inside.
I'm a dead man.
You are looking at a dead dead man walking! Well, if you need to escape back to Canada, I'll totally help you.
I got to call the police.
I got to call Ingrid.
What? No, no.
No cops.
This cannot get out.
The cops release that shit to the press.
He needs hey, look.
You're not alone.
We're a band, and what happens to you happens to all of us, okay? Great.
Then we're all dead.
Well, the first 24 hours are the most critical, so we need to move fast.
See? I knew it.
I shouldn't have listened to you.
Taking those instruments out was a bad idea.
I'll call the insurance company, maybe try to file a claim.
Would you guys listen to yourselves? You're going about this all wrong.
Once you file a claim, it is all over the internet.
Then Courtney finds out.
Okay, look, maybe they just took the van for the van.
- You know, the van's nice.
It's cool.
- Yeah.
Please.
They took it for the instruments.
The van's whatever.
Not whatever.
I spent a lot of time looking for a cool minivan.
[ laughs .]
You've gone soft like your husband.
Ingrid, you're in love with a minivan? - Yes.
- What would the 15-year-old you say? - She'd kick you in the nuts.
- Wow.
Hard.
Stevie, we are gonna find your instruments, and Hole is gonna record their album in your studio, I promise.
Now, I'm gonna go check all the music stores.
- I got pawnshops.
- I'll put a fake ad on craigslist, see if we get any bites.
And I'll loop in the department on the D.
L.
, you know, avoid the red tape, move quicker, And then I'll pick up Janie and Gibby from mom's house.
- Thanks, babe.
- Or and I'm spit-storming here Maybe the instruments never left the studio.
What are you saying? What I'm saying is this.
What the hell are you doing?! Problem solved.
Courtney's gonna be pissed, but not at us.
A break-in? We stage a break-in? You just staged an escape.
You broke my window from the inside! Right.
It's an inside job.
Right? [ chuckles .]
Or we clean this up and fix it later after we find the instruments, right? That's the pressing issue.
Bailiff: The honorable Taylor Pickwick.
The judge is a woman.
Great.
Court will now proceed with the case of Roxanne Rutherford.
Here! That's me.
I'm present.
No, you're not.
That's not Roxanne Rutherford.
That woman's a fraud.
Fraud is such a judgmental term.
[ chuckles .]
We're all guilty of something, right? Judge Pickwick: Ms.
Rutherford, it appears you think your schedule is above the law.
Oh, no, not at all, your honor.
It's just that doing good in the world, as you know, is very, very time-consuming.
Right.
Keckinger's disease.
- Oh, so you're aware of it? - Actually, no, I'm not.
Has no one heard of this disease? [ sighs .]
Keckinger's afflicts our future because, as a wise woman much like you once said, the children are our future.
That is why I am hosting a charity-auction event to raise awareness for [ gavel bangs .]
36 hours of community service.
Question.
Does my auction event count? What do you think? It's not my fault that my assistant posed as me, the poor little desperate grifter.
Excuse me, I am not her assistant anymore.
Given your dedication to children who are our future, we'll assign you an inner-city youth to mentor.
Next case.
[ sighs .]
Wow, first a lady cop and now a lady judge.
[ sighs .]
Kind of looks like you are losing your mojo with women.
[ elevator bell dings .]
Keckinger's is named after the doctor who discovered it.
It afflicts very young children, causing them to prematurely grow adult body hair.
Oh, there's just nothing sadder than a kindergartner with back hair or 6-year-old girls tweezing their chin.
Oh, can you imagine how tough it is for these kids? I know a little about tough.
Well, at least you can go on the playground without being called "beard boy.
" Hey.
Who's the kid? Oh.
This is Ben, my community service.
As if I'm not already doing enough.
Tell me he's not working for you, Roxie.
That's got to be a child-labor-law violation, right? If building character is against the law, then there is something wrong with the system.
Hmm.
Well, Ben, it's nice to meet you.
Good luck, my man.
You hitting that? Wha excuse me? Are you kidding me? [ chuckles .]
That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
Go file those papers.
Don't forget to vacuum after.
Stevie.
- It's Roxie.
- Stevie? Could I talk to you for a second? I, uh 'cause with this Keckinger's auction and everything, I really just can't give ben the time that he needs.
I was wondering if you might take him off my hands For, you know, like 36 hours.
And you're asking me because I'ma bass player.
I think you also make an exceptional role model.
Oh.
Cool, cool.
So, if I knew a white privileged girl who liked to party, I should probably introduce her to you because you're a party planner.
- [ laughs .]
Events.
- Events, events.
- Okay, you got me.
- I did.
I just thought because of that "blind side" movie, this whole thing would be something different.
- What? Like more inspirational? - Yeah.
That kid he's as overrated as that movie is.
I mean, I threw him a football.
It just hit him right in the head.
Hmm.
I'll make it worth your while.
- Okay.
Okay.
I'll watch the kid, but, uh - Okay.
you know, maybe we could, uh, rain-check that other thing.
Sure.
[ laughs .]
Good news is--- we found the van.
- Bad news - Please tell me you found them.
I'm sorry, Stevie.
The instruments weren't in the van.
But I lifted prints, scanned fibers, I ran a black light, and I found a tube sock And what appears to be a piece of fossilized del taco cheese.
Someone on a diet's not supposed to have del taco cheese.
That's not fair.
You can't use your "CSI" technology - to bust me on my eating habits.
- Well, maybe if somebody would stick to the couple's diet, you know, I wouldn't - Well, maybe the couple's diet is too hard, babe.
- Yeah, maybe I mean, cholesterol Tommy: Married couple, please? Can we focus? Sorry.
Uh, the only other evidence I found was a tiny drop of hair gel and some glitter in the console and this.
I believe it's called a purity ring.
Wait.
A virgin stole the van? Four virgins.
Justa Krush.
Those little bitches aren't even old enough to drive.
Why would they steal instruments? They can't even play them.
They're punking us.
Think about it, right? We were giving them a hard time about not playing anything, remember? Ooh.
I could call juvenile division, you know, and make sure No, no.
No cops, remember? Except for you when you're being awesome, like right now.
I think we should do this vigilante style.
We're gonna need an address for that.
Yeah, in order to track 15-year-old douche bags, we need to start to think like 15-year-old douche bags.
We're really gonna have to tunnel into their mind-set and imagine what a world's like with emoticons and "World of Warcraft" and Selena Gomez.
Tommy: They signed with Rutherford, so I think we can get their information from Rachel.
- Those are all great ideas, Barry.
- Yeah, definitely like that way better.
This way, go, scare the crap out of them, - get courtney's gear back.
- Yeah.
Which one of you is Stevie? [ sighs .]
The lady said she had to get something waxed, and she said you'd watch me until she got back.
Stevie: Uh Can I keep the cash? [ chuckles .]
I'm starting to get into these four-part harmonies, girl.
I think I'm really finding the mind-set.
Oh.
I think I'm going too deep.
[ singing in distance .]
Tommy: This is definitely the right house.
You thought my jacket was cool I said, "hey, girl tell me your name" you said you didn't want to play those kind of games Ooh, girl ooh, girl don't know what to do I don't know what to do I'm almost positive I'm feeling you You lip-synch your rehearsals out? What do you even do? When my mom gets back with her decaf mocha frappes, she's not gonna be happy you didn't take your shoes off.
We found something that doesn't belong to us.
And we thought we'd bring it back in person.
You feeling me? Tommy: This yours, Shane, huh? This your purity ring? I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, so you're no longer a passenger on the abstain train? Hey, you, baby spice, what you got behind your back? - What you reaching for, huh? - It's nothing.
No, it's nothing.
What you got, dude? Yep.
Ring tan line.
Bingo.
- It was shane's idea.
- Shut up, Quinn.
Just tell us where the instruments are or we'll tell your parents it's really simple.
We saw your van.
I mean, we just wanted to pull a prank on you guys, you know? We were just gonna fart-box it.
What's a fart-box? - Fart-box? - Yeah.
Cool new thing Fart up a place, leave it for someone else to smell, Maybe their room or their lunch box.
My minivan's been fart-boxed? - [ laughing .]
Yeah.
- Barry: I wish I was 15 again.
The younger generation has it so good.
Look, where are my instruments? That was Shane, too.
- Dude, shut up! - I'm sorry.
I told you he's the douche bag.
Shane, you and me one day Look, the instruments are not ours.
- They're Courtney Love's.
- Never heard of her.
- What? - Come on, Kurt Cobain's wife? Who the hell's that? Oh, tunneling into this mind-set is gonna give me permanent brain damage.
Just tell us where the instruments are.
Or we're gonna tell every pre-teen girl in Seattle that you only lip-sync.
- Where's our stuff? - It was just here.
Are you kidding me? You guys are lamer than auto-tune.
Dude, good call.
This guy's wise beyond his years.
Courtney's out of town for a few more days, right? Don't panic, okay? Don't panic.
We'll get Rach to comp a couple nights at the spa.
We'll keep Courtney on a massage table wrapped in eucalyptus.
- Everything will be fine.
- It's gonna be okay.
Ben, let's get you out of here.
Come on.
Whoa.
I'm not the issue here.
It's your focus.
In moments like these, you need to take a few steps back and look at things from a better perspective.
Whoa.
Ben's right.
Who lives next door? Mrs.
Butterworth.
Sure, security cameras caught something.
A better perspective.
Who are you, little dude? Hard candy? It's from Halloween.
- Thank you.
I'm all right.
- No, no, no.
We shouldn't have Tommy: You wouldn't happen to have the video footage of Shane's garage from last night, would you? Try the last 30 nights.
[ chuckles .]
Hey, Stevie, do you realize who we're hanging out with? - What? - I think Ben might be magic.
No, think about it.
"Family man," "shawshank "like a prayer" video, Ben.
- You've officially lost it.
- Textbook.
You met him at a low, when hope was lost check.
He gives you advice when we're at a crossroads check.
And he always says the perfect thing at the perfect time.
Trust me he's not magic.
And the person he's here to help doesn't believe in him checkmate.
Mrs.
Butterworth: Ah! Found it.
Maybe you could fast-forward them to to something going on first.
We need to work on a garage-entrance choreography Bingo! - Mr.
Gold?! - Barry: Your manager? Ex-manager.
Rutherford's handling us now.
[ cellphone rings .]
Ohh.
Tommy: Do you have any idea where we could find him? - He lives in Belltown.
I don't know.
- We've never been to his place.
We have enough evidence now, right? You think Ingrid could track him down? Hey, guys, that was Courtney.
She wants to record at my studio.
She'll be here in three days.
We're dead.
[ laughs .]
Okay, all right.
We have 72 hours to get the instruments back.
Perfect.
Let's go.
Thank you.
- Thank you for coming in, Mr.
Gold.
- Eh.
Where's Roxie? [ clears throat .]
Uh, she had to be in court again today.
It's a long story.
Listen, we are really sorry about poaching your band, and Roxie just wants people to work it out with you.
People don't understand how hard managing boy bands really is.
Grooming them, sheltering them, stunting their growth, And shielding their innocence from a world where people screw each other over for 5%.
You only got 5%? How much does Roxie get? Hey, there.
Remember us? - We're the opening act at the Nichols wedding.
- Should have been headlining.
We know you took the instruments from Shane's garage.
[ chuckles .]
Do you know how much they owed me in fees? I had to get something out of it.
I could have blackmailed them.
Shane? He's really 23.
He just can't grow body hair.
Like the opposite of keckinger's.
He suffers from abercrombie's disease.
Look, the way I see it, I took exactly what belonged to me.
Well, actually, those instruments belong to Courtney Love.
We just want the instruments back.
But I can't.
The instruments are gone.
I sold them.
Who'd you sell them to? - Nobody.
No - What are you scared of? [ gavel bangs .]
Your honor, it is so good to see you again.
Your robe brings out the highlights in your eyes.
Judge Pickwick: Ms.
Rutherford, that boy was your responsibility.
You boast of your personal charity, but I don't think you grasp what it means to help others.
And as we apparently cannot trust you with a child, let's try something with feathers.
[ gavel bangs .]
72 hours of community service with my personal charity, heal the sound.
Hello, Fender Mustang.
Roxie, there's something I need to tell you about the auction.
My female mojo? Completely gone.
That woman-hating judge found out that I pawned "blind side" off on Stevie and assigned me more community service.
Tomorrow, of course.
She's making me miss my Keckinger's auction.
What? That's your baby.
[ sighs .]
At least Sophie had a choice.
I feel like I might actually cry.
But I won't.
Crying is for manipulation, not emotion.
Rachel, I'm going to need you to I want you to To take over? - These kids need you.
- [ laughing .]
Oh.
[ clears throat .]
you can count on me.
I don't have a choice.
Did you want to tell me something? Uh, no, just that, uh, someday we'll find a cure.
I know we will.
Yeah.
So, Bagger Vance helped Matt Damon get his swing back.
and "green mile" helped cure Tom Hanks' impotence.
Hey, man, I'm not doing that.
I'm just saying for a dude who's supposed to be magical, you're really not pulling your weight around here.
For the last time, I'm not magical.
He always like this? Different shades, but yeah.
My two cents? Call that Courtney chick, face the music.
Barry: Face the music.
[ sighs .]
Just pick up the phone and call.
You never know what'll happen.
You know what? That's the most sense anyone's made in a while.
[ cellphone rings .]
I'm just Hello? Rachel? That's so strange.
I be right there.
You are not gonna believe it.
Rachel has the Mustang.
Of course she does.
Not magical, huh? Got my eye on you.
Ta-da! What are courtney's instruments doing in the Keckinger's auction? - They were donated.
- By who? Larry Pants, A memorabilia collector, who is hot for Roxie.
Gold must have sold him the gear.
What is that? Are they are they scuffed? Worse they're autographed and not by Hole.
The edge, flea, drum kit signed by Phil Collins.
Barry: Phil Collins? That's a bigger abomination than "Sussudio.
" I bet Pants forged and donated those instruments to get in Roxie's pants.
[ cellphone ringing .]
Pound it.
Right? Bam.
[ ringing continues .]
- It's Courtney.
- Don't answer it.
I have to.
The last time I missed her call, she sent somebody to my house.
Courtney, what up? How did those comp eucalyptus wraps go? What? Right.
How dare they? Cool.
No worries.
No.
Time to worry.
Courtney punched a yoga instructor in the down dog.
They kicked her out of the spa.
Courtney's home tomorrow.
[ chuckles nervously .]
Good times.
Ben, we need you.
Show us the way.
For the last time, Barry, I'm no mentor.
I need a mentor.
Oh, you want us to figure this out ourselves.
Here endeth the lesson.
Okay, we got to find a way to get those instruments back tonight.
Fine.
Just however you do it, don't let this get out.
This is not how we want to raise awareness for Keckinger's.
How will it get out? You just have to tell us where to find Pants.
[ both laugh .]
Larry Pants.
[ both laugh .]
The guy [ laughter continues .]
[ chuckles .]
This Cal Ripken signature is terrible.
Did I not teach you the inverted garland? [ speaks japanese .]
Tommy: Knock, knock.
Larry Pants.
[ snickers .]
You remember us? - No.
- Mother of the bride.
We played the Nichols wedding.
Oh.
I remember, uh, Justa Krush.
And we opened forthem.
Barry, stop it.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
Not a clue.
Hey, can I interest you guys in a signed Mike Schmidt rookie card? You bought our instruments from Mr.
Gold and then you forged autographs on them and you donated them to the Keckinger's auction.
Boys, I am the top memorabilia collector in the pacific northwest.
My signed jerseys are hanging in the governor's mansion.
Oh, really? Signed by who? That's right.
[ laughs .]
Setting aside your spurious accusation, I will not be further accused by a lowly wedding band who just fell out of their minivan.
Brad, Tim.
Listen, we sympathize.
Trying to buy yourself some goodwill.
Here's the problem we have Mr.
Gold on video.
We can draw a direct line from him to you.
Next thing you know, you end up in a witness stand.
[ laughing .]
Oh, okay.
Well, maybe I'll take my chances.
Well, maybe you're looking at a huge P.
R.
nightmare.
What do you think the governor will think? He'll probably take down that fake "King Felix" jersey you gave him.
And Roxie Rutherford.
I wonder what she'll be thinking.
Hmm.
Roxie? There's no reason to bring Ms.
Rutherford into this.
You know, Larry, I think there's a way of keeping you on her good side.
I like her good side.
Okay, I'm listening.
If we keep our stuff in the auction, how much do you think you can get for it? Oh, $10,000, $15,000.
Seems like a small price to pay to impress a roomful of potential new customers.
Just make sure you're the highest bidder and give it back to us.
Roxie, I think, would look at you assomeone special.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, she's got this knockout black dress.
We got a deal? Oh, yeah, we got a deal.
Get the hell out of my shop.
Go.
Bye.
Goodbye.
Trust him? Well, do we have a choice? Maybe.
Hey, hello.
Nice to see you.
Heck of a day for an auction, huh? Is everything set? - Affirmative.
- Yep.
Hey, you're here.
Of course you came.
Here to see us through our finest moment.
No, I'm not.
I came to say goodbye to Stevie.
- Hey.
- 'cause your work here is done.
You're off to help somebody else.
No.
I'm moving in with my grandparents.
Sure you are.
And he's gone, as inexplicably as he arrived.
- Are you kidding me? - What are you doing here? You were supposed to be taking care of the thing off campus.
I know.
It's handled.
It's fine.
Don't you say that to me.
Every time you say that, something terrible happens.
Would you relax? We don't want to blow this for you.
We know how important this is for you and Rutherford.
Eddie: Rachel, no matter what happens, we are here for Keckinger's.
Someday, they'll find a cure.
[ cellphone rings .]
Hmm! Hello, Roxie.
It's your proxy.
I just wanted to make sure my baby's being born with five fingers and five toes.
- Yes, Roxie.
- Uh-huh.
Because when I say it's my baby Uh, yes, Roxie.
Healthy as a clam.
Oh, scrub your bird.
Anyway, I'm sure you have everything under control.
I don't want you to feel like I'm trying to undermine your confidence or checking up on you.
Okay, ciao.
[ beep .]
Ciao.
I was totally checking up on her.
Oh, poor thing.
She's just drenched in flop sweat.
[ laughs .]
You're kind of cute.
[ laughs .]
Places to go, people to see.
[ indistinct conversations .]
Let's do this.
Backstage is for headliners only.
Shane.
What's up, washed-up? Doing a little early shopping? I think you mean stealing.
[ laughs .]
Both: Aw, purity.
Really, leotard? That's what you've got? You know what? You guys should lip-sync other people's jokes.
Could make it funnier.
Well, lip-sync this.
Call security.
I got a better idea.
How about we Justa Krush your faces in instead? Tommy: Get 'em, Barry.
[ screaming .]
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a very special event, hosted by the untman automotive museum, where seattle comes together to raise awareness for the Keckinger's kids.
[ applause .]
Someday, we will find a cure.
Seems like I got here just in time.
Roxie, what how did you I bartered with my supervisor for an early release.
Little advice.
You see an oil-soaked gull, just keep on walking.
Those little suckers are impossible to clean.
Ugh! Those feathers just come right off.
Emcee: What better way to kick things off than a performance from some very special kids.
That was surprisingly satisfying.
Tonight, justice is headlining.
Hey, guys can't say they didn't deserve it.
Hey, is, uh, Justa Krush supposed to play tonight? Boy-band cover band Justa Krush.
[ cheers and applause .]
Possibly.
[ spectators murmuring .]
- Who's is that? - I don't know.
[ chuckles .]
- Okay, we're playing.
All right.
- We are? - Yep.
- Um, go, go.
Here.
These things even work? [ "I want it that way" plays .]
You are my fire the one desire believe when I say that I want it that way but we are two worlds apart can't reach to your heart when you say that I want it that way Tell me why ain't nothing but a heartache Tell me why Wow.
ain't nothing but a mistake Tell me why I never want to hear you say I want it that way Yeah! I want it that way I want it that way [ cheers and applause .]
All right.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Uh, obviously, we're not Justa Krush.
Um They're a little younger than we are.
[ laughter .]
They couldn't be here tonight, so we tried our best to fill their tween-age shoes.
[ laughter .]
Speaking of large shoes to fill, I think we should give a, uh, big round of applause to Mr Mr.
Larry Pants.
[ cheers and applause .]
Thank you, Larry, for donating these instruments that we just had the opportunity to play.
Get up, Larry.
You deserve all of this love.
You're a fantastic man.
We're so happy to know you.
Thank you.
Number 96 on the catalog.
Emcee: Yes, item number 96, which is a set of collectible instruments that was just played by, uh by this group here.
And they are autographed by Flea, The Edge, and Phil Collins.
Ooh! We will begin the bidding at $10,000.
Do I hear 10k for Keckinger's kids? The night is young.
Your wallets are fat.
Let's go.
Who wants $10,000.
Larry Pants in for 10 large.
But come on, people.
He's bidding on his own item.
Open your hearts and your wallets for these kids.
- $12,000.
- There we go.
$12,000 from the lady in the second row.
Let's see if I can't push that price up a little higher.
$13,000.
Whoa! $13,000.
Do I hear $15,000? $15,000.
$15,000.
That's it.
We're done.
No more.
$25,000! Emcee: $25,000.
We have $25,000.
$30,000! $30,000.
Do I hear $35,000? $35,000! $35,000.
We have $35,000 going once.
$40,000! - $40,000 going once.
- $45,000! $45,000.
We have $45,000.
- Yes.
$45,000.
- No, no.
Going once Going twice 50 thousandDollars.
[ cheers and applause .]
- $50,000 going once - Please, no.
Going twice Sold to the original owner, Larry Pants, for $50,000.
A lot of hairy kids thank you, Mr.
Pants.
- Barry: We love you, Larry.
- Way to go, Larry.
[ chuckles .]
You know what warms my heart, Larry? Generosity, like the generosity that you showed today.
Yeah, cut the crap.
I know shill bidders when I see them.
$50,000, all I got from Roxie was her phone number.
There's only six numbers on this thing.
Brad, Tim, get those things out of here.
Hey, hey, wait.
You can't take those.
For $50,000, I can do whatever I want.
But those are Courtney Love's instruments.
Courtney Love? Well, that's good news.
I know a collector in Amsterdam who's gonna give me twice what I paid for them because of that.
That wasn't part of the deal.
[ laughing .]
You blew the deal.
So deal with that.
Get those things out of here, guys.
Let's go.
Bye-bye.
Golden.
Look at this.
Spotless, like it's brand-new.
Spick-and-span.
Right? Okay, what did we learn from all of this? I know how to solve a crime.
Barry should not be a mentor.
And I learned boy bands still suck.
Okay, all right.
Um, anything a little more significant? I learned that Larry Pants doesn't know the difference between real instruments and Fugazis.
How long do you think before Pants recognizes we did the backstage switch? Oh, probably about halfway on the way to Amsterdam.
[ laughs .]
What'd I tell you? What'd I tell you? We got the porsche back, didn't we? - Yes, we did.
- Yes, we did.
As my old friend Tom Cruise once said, "sometimes, you just got to say what the" [ cellphone rings .]
Can you get your phone, please? 'cause I'm in the middle of something.
- Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
- I'm in the middle of a thing.
Courtney, what's good? [ knock on door .]
Come on in! What? What's up? Yeah, they just showed up.
[ clears throat .]
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
- Everything's here.
- Hi.
Oh, yeah, I understand.
Yeah, of course.
Tommy: What's going on, fellas? That's cool.
All right, all right.
- This thing's special.
- Yeah.
It's pretty cool.
Courtney decided after the yoga-instructor incident, she needed to leave North America for a while, so Hole is recording their next CD in Geneva.
- We're going to Switzerland? - We're not going to Switzerland.
Stevie, man, I am so sorry.
That's All right.
So, what did we learn from this? It's a good thing we played those instruments.
We played Courtney Love's instruments.
- Yeah.
- That's awesome.
[ laughter .]
That's right.
Hmm.
Hang on.
I feel like we're forgetting something.
Like what? I don't know.
Something important.
No worries.
I'm sure it'll come to me.
Shane: Barry, let us out of here.
We've been in the closet too long let us out All: let us out of the closet Hi, I'm Roxie Rutherford, president and C.
E.
O.
of Rutherford Events.
I'm responsible for planning the most important moments in people's lives.
But, sometimes, there are certain things that you just can't plan for.
Of course, I'm talking about Keckinger's.
As a child I, too, had keckinger's.
Through experimental treatment, we managed to get my body-hair levels under control.
But not everyone is so lucky.
Meet Ritchie.
Come on.
So brave.
Children like Ritchie can't lead normal lives without being called names like "kinderwolf," "fur necklace," or "sweater boobs.
" Please help me raise awareness for Keckinger's, because the sooner people are aware, the sooner we can find a cure.