Wedding Band (2012) s01e10 Episode Script
End of the World As We Know It
1 On of bad karma.
[ grunts .]
I think it's pretty clear That we're doing the right thing here, barry.
Oh, we got a chance, man.
We can walk away right now and avoid a giant curse.
I'm with barry on this.
I think we might have crossed a line somewhere.
About to be 6 feet under that line, that's for sure.
Really? You sure about that? We crossed a line? You know this woman down here, this humanitarian, Raised this groom.
And she is counting on us to fulfill her dying wish.
We all read grandma's will.
That ring down there, she promised this to this groom To give to his bride on their wedding day Which is today.
Which is today.
And we're about 15 minutes late.
This thing has crossed three continents, Six generations And it would be seven if some idiot Hadn't accidentally buried it in the grave.
Besides, we have consent From the groom's family estate lawyer.
Yeah.
Also 57 bucks in shovels andGloves.
[ grunts .]
I think we're covered here.
I think we'cursed here.
No such thing as curses, barry.
Mark my word, guys -- from this day forward, Our lives are never gonna be the same again.
[ owl hoots .]
[ up-tempo music plays .]
Minister: You may now place the ring on lindsay's finger.
You do have the ring? [ crowd murmuring .]
Why isn't the ring here? I don't know.
I don't -- Neck brace, neck brace! Barry, don't point! It's rude! No, it's part of a trifecta.
You see a neck brace, an eye patch, and a dwarf In the same day, it launders your karma.
"trifecta" -- where do you come up with this stuff? I know these -- hey.
[ cheering .]
Man: Whoo! That is why we crossed the line.
[ cheers and applause .]
You're really good about the guys getting here late? Well, my horoscope said, "prepare for lateness.
" Well, that sanjay moon has been right on target this month.
I know! I know.
We are so in tune.
It's like he almost knows my schedule.
Spooky! Sanjay didn't say she'd be here.
Is thatEmily? Yes.
America's favorite wedding planner, emily corgy.
Oh, my god.
They based "can't plan love" on her.
I love that movie.
Well, stop loving it, okay? Because that crapfest has inspired every 14-year-old ditz To become a wedding planner.
Excuse me.
[ gasps .]
roxie! Ah! Oh! What a surprise.
Hi.
Hi! Oh! Oh, I didn't know this was your event.
What are you doing here -- stealing ideas for a sequel? Oh.
Well, everybody wants one, but no.
I have the boboroff engagement party here tomorrow, And a planner always triple-checks her details.
I love those little axioms your character couldn't live without.
What are those called? Weddiquette.
Well, stick this in your weddiquette -- A planner doesn't poach.
You don't have to worry about me poaching.
But I -- I would worry about those cops.
Let's go.
Let's go -- you.
Now do you believe we're cursed? Officers, please, please, We can't have a wedding without a wedding band.
Grave-robbing? Really? Uh, wedding archaeologists? I think that's a better title for what it is we did.
The cops questioned me for two hours.
I had to convince them that your little stunt Wasn't part of the platinum memories wedding package.
Told you we crossed a line.
Are you sure? I don't think I heard you 'cause I was so busy digging.
I was holding the lantern.
The worst part of this is you guys did this In front of emily corgy, my biggest rival! She is gonna spin this thing Faster than semen in a fertility clinic.
Uh, roxie, now, don't forget What sanjay moon said in your horoscope this week About forgiveness.
Oh! Eddie turned me on to sanjay moon.
Wisdom from the east.
Ohh! Forgiveness is so good for the soul.
Spoke to my heart.
All true, true, true, true! But he doesn't have to put up with you guys! Rachel, red cards.
Barry: Um, I'm sorry.
The yellow cards meant we're kind of, like, out, And the red mean It means you're ejected.
I am no longer booking you.
Hold on a second.
We go the extra mile for your client, And -- and this is -- this is how you repay us? Yeah.
You know what? I'm so sick of this soccer metaphor.
Okay? Okay, lead-singer syndrome.
You can't eject us because we, as a band, Are refusing to take the field.
What do you think of that? You know what? Sit down.
No.
Eddie: What are you doing? She doesn't respect us, eddie.
You know what you can do? You can eject yourself.
You can go eject yourself! Fine! Good.
Fine! Super! Hey, what just happened? I think we just broke up.
I told you.
We're cursed.
Tommy! What? Tommy, can you please apologize and just go back in there? You can get -- what am I gonna apologize for? I didn't do anything.
How are we gonna see each other on the weekends? You know what I mean.
That came out weird, but No, no, no.
I do.
I do.
No, I know.
I get it.
I have some stuff Going on with adam I really need to talk to you about, And I don't have anyone else.
All right, I get it.
[ elevator bell dings .]
[ def leppard's "armageddon it" plays .]
[ footsteps thudding .]
Really? [ coughs .]
[ british accent .]
symbolic, isn't it? Us on the way up, you on the way down.
You guys -- you wear these, huh, even to meetings? We're massive rockers, mate.
This is what it takes to make it at rutherford events.
You see this? This is the discipline.
Covering the same band for 15 years -- that's discipline? You guys change your crotch cucumbers more than your set list.
Have you guys ever considered doing something original? Like getting sacked for digging up a grave? That just happened.
How did you find out about that? Looks like the shepherd's pie has thickened.
Tommy: The shepherd's pie th-- I don't even think you know what you're talking about.
It's very similar to chicken pot pie.
Have you been to -- to England before? Ever? Ever? I'll tell you where I habeen -- On the telly with roxie last night, And she was begging me to fill in for your upcoming gigs.
Last night? Roxie didn't give us a chance to defend ourselves.
Yeah.
You know, next, we'll be filling inYour wives.
Okay, that's -- stop talking.
Wives? What? And rachel and barry's sock.
Nobody talks about gold toe.
But I just did.
I got camel toe right there.
[ tasers crackling .]
[ all shouting, groaning .]
[ screams .]
In the battle of the bands, the last band not convulsing Wins.
[ elevator bell dings .]
[ normal voice .]
uh, rachel, I don't want to be here when they come to, So can you just tell roxie that we need to reschedule? [ all groaning .]
[ british accent .]
come on, come on, come on.
Back into the lift.
Back into the lift.
[ siren wails .]
Tommy: "treat yourself to an extravagant gift.
" sashay, sanjay mm-hmm.
Hey, man.
I'm hoping with all that I have inside of me That you are dating some chick who is kinky And into inter-paranormal relations.
What does that mean? It's when you bang it out with ghosts.
Why would I bang it out with a ghost? Pull down the ghost pants and bang it out.
Why are you digging up graves? I'm not digging -- well, I mean -- No.
I don't even want to hear it.
We got a good thing going on here, man.
You're starting to get reckless.
You're starting to sound like danny glover.
This isn't my danny glover voice.
[ as danny glover .]
this is my danny glover voice, riggs.
I'm getting too old for this, riggs.
It's throatier.
It's throatier.
You're right.
Thank you.
[ normal voice .]
for real, I got you this job, man.
And now you're gonna blow it for me.
You're gonna get me fired.
I know why you edit the personals.
It's so you can stay on top of the single ladies in the city.
And the reason why you got the horoscope job Is because you're the best b.
S.
'er I know.
And I am a leo, and I find you incredibly attractive in that shirt.
Hey, it's purple.
Can you tell me my horoscope? I could.
Hi.
Hi.
Emily corgy.
Oh, emily.
Corgy associates.
Hi.
Hey.
How are you? It's good to meet you.
I've heard so much about you.
And I heard about the grave-robbing.
And I want to ask you, Is that the furthest you'd go for a client? I don't know that you could go further than grave-robbing.
Exhuming a body for a ring? I mean, what woman wouldn't love that, right? Most of them.
No! No, it's inspiring.
Um, oh! Cupcake? Hey.
All right.
I will totally eat one of your delicious cupcakes.
That's great.
They look wonderful.
You are a hard man to find.
I stopped by your tour booth.
Tour's shut down for the season.
There's not any people that really want to do tours right now.
Well, I know that you're with rutherford, And weddiquette says a wedding planner Always respects loyalty, but Does roxie respect what you do? [ chuckles .]
well, sometimes she does.
And you guys are special.
But you're not being treated like you are.
Mmm.
Sounds like she's about to pop the question, buddy.
It does, doesn't it? Like the knock? It's good stuff, right? Yeah.
Pretty good, yeah.
"sportscenter"? Yeah.
Guys here? Yeah, they're in the kids's playroom.
[ women laughing .]
not them.
That's something else.
All the ladies giggling? Not them.
Yeah.
Ingrid's having a girls night, And they're playing "sex and the city" monopoly, And I got to help out -- make appletinis, Stuff like that.
Hmm.
I'm not playing or anything.
Ingrid: Honey, you're up! Woman: Yeah.
Go ahead and roll for me, babe.
I'll be right there.
Okay, honey.
Yeah.
You're such a miranda.
That's what ingrid keeps saying.
Okay, so get this -- You'll never believe who came to visit me.
Emily corgy.
Great.
That's great.
The inspiration for "can't plan love.
" Right.
Rutherford's biggest rival.
So, she heard about what happened at the cemetery, And she wants us to come work with her.
Whoa, whoa.
That's really suspicious.
I mean, why would she approach us After the grave-robbing incident? Because logically, she couldn't approach us before it.
It doesn't matter, man.
I don't trust it.
It's all p.
C.
-- Post-curse.
Not cursed, barry.
We are not cursed.
We got tasered today.
Let's not forget that rutherford gave us our big break, So I say we go back, apologize to her, Mend the fence [ door opens .]
Honey, you just landed on the manolo blahnik store.
Buy it.
Ingrid, you know who emily corgy is, right? Dude.
Ingrid: Oh, uh, yeah! That name means something to every woman.
You know, awkward in her own skin, Kind of girl women relate to, men want to do, And, of course, we all wish we had a sebastian.
Who? Sebastian's the g.
F.
F.
From the movie.
Yeah, her gay friend forever.
You know, the shopping buddy with the snappy one-liners, The kind of guy that calls you six times a day Just to see how you're doing, Takes you to the ballet, musicals.
Ingrid, treal emily corgy wants us to come work for her.
[ gasps .]
and your husband thinks it's a stupid idea.
Wh-- no! It's a no-brainer.
Right? It's a no-brainer.
Can I go tell my friends? No, you can't! You should go tell everyone.
I have.
I don't know what's the matter with you.
Unbelievable! Share it.
You just used my wife against me.
You wifed me.
I didn't wife you.
That was awful.
You just wifed him.
Did I really? I want to make sure we are doing this For the right reason as a band, all right? Right.
Right.
Not because you want to get revenge on rutherford.
There's an event Saturday.
We feel it out.
We test-drive the situation.
That's all.
Okay.
But we don't drive it off the lot until we all agree.
Deal.
So, what's the event? It's an "end of the world" party.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
The world's ending? Yeah.
Saturday.
It's been all over the news.
This french philosopher like 200 years ago Predicted the end of the world.
There's gonna be all these parties.
So, this philosopher -- Any of his other predictions come true? Yeah, only like all of them -- Two world wars, stock-market crash, acid-wash jeans.
Jessica, hey.
How's the kids? Hmph! No? Hey.
Hi.
Hey.
What's How areThings? Since yesterday? Mm-hmm.
You know, yeah, yeah, just, your busy stuff.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Errands and Cool.
I came here to -- to get the paychecks.
I was just doing paychecks.
[ laughs .]
it's so weird.
It's so weird.
It's like we're connected still.
Yeah.
But we're not.
This is soAwk-weird.
It's so stupid.
Roxie's so stubborn.
You know, tommy.
I'm like, "tommy" I know.
It's like, "just apologize, man.
" Well, roxie actually should probably apologize.
I mean, armageddon it here.
Like, you obviously planned it.
And they electrocuted us with the taser things.
And, I don't know, like I mean, I have a weak h-- like You didn't really leave us much choice, dude.
Because you left the credit-card receipt behind for the shovel.
Like, there's the credit-card number, so we're gonna trace it.
That's the way it works.
Yeah, yeah, totally.
Well, emily corgy thought it was pretty cool.
You know, she thought it was awesome.
We're playing an event for her, like, Saturday.
Really happy.
You're seeing another wedding planner? I don't want to put a label on it, but That's cool.
Whatever.
[ elevator bell dings .]
Ah.
Hey, hey.
Roxie.
Pretty cool bike you got there.
Ow! God! Ow! Hey.
So, they sent eddie.
That's good.
Now we know who the weak link is.
Yeah.
So, you got the motorcycle.
Yeah, thanks to sanjay moon.
My horoscope today said That I should treat myself to an extravagant gift.
Sanjay is so wise.
Why didn't you park it in the garage? Why? Larry parks his bike here.
Well, a 10-speed doesn't leak oil.
What is it with cyclists? I mean, they ride six blocks to the office, And they act like they've done the tour de France.
So, did you get anything out of eddie? They signed with emily corgy.
Ah.
I'd be disappointed if they didn't.
Tommy saw us with another band.
He's just going with another wedding planner To make us jealous.
What if it gets serious? Oh, emily's just a rebound planner.
Pbht! It'll never work.
They'll be back.
As long as we don't show our hand.
Can you do that? Yes.
'cause they're in my pock-- They're behind my back.
Emily: Who knows if the world is going to end or not.
Hopefully it won't, right? Olive: Well But olive is always looking for a good excuse for a party.
I knew I recognized you.
You're olive atwood.
Yes.
Oh, right.
Your husband's the coffee baron.
Uh -- ex! Ex-husband.
Sorry.
It's totally okay.
No, but now that it's final, I just want to blow it all up and start over again.
Tommy: I see the symbolism.
Well, you know, nothing says "party your booty off" Like "end of the world," right? And it's gonna be amazing, over the top.
I mean, magicians, tarot-card readers.
There's a thunderdome! [ laughs .]
that's right.
Exactly the kind of party I never could have had with my ex.
He took everything way too seriously.
Well, maybe he should.
I'm just saying.
Don't try to scare her.
There's always somebody predicting the end of the world.
Yeah, but not on the same week we exhumed a body.
Yeah.
Okay.
Whatever.
Oh! What? UmNothing.
[ indistinct conversation .]
Tell me again what the trifecta is.
Oh, yeah, right.
Need a neck brace, a midget -- Eye patch.
Yes.
Dude, don't tell anybody I asked.
It's okay.
I just don't want to die here.
We won't.
[ brakes squeal .]
Thanks for sharing your cab with me.
You're welcome.
I don't really like to ride alone.
Interesting issues Issues you have.
Never say that to a girl.
You have to say "quirks.
" Okay.
You know, it's cuter.
Was that quirk in your movie? Yes.
That made it in.
Yeah.
But they took a ton of liberties.
There's lots of stuff I don't do.
Like what? Well, like, I don't dance around my apartment.
I don't sing into my hairbrush.
You ever sing into your toothbrush? Yeah.
Is there really a sebastian? Oh, everybody asks that.
I love it when he says, "and that's the frosting on my cake, girlfriend!" No, no sebastian.
Really? So no g.
F.
F.
, then.
No, uh No one to shop with.
So sad.
You know, we'd probably save a lot of money If we finished this conversation upstairs.
I have this thing where I -- I only sleep on my own sheets.
No, I wasn't actually saying that -- oh, no! I wanted to have a conversation with you -- A new conversation about sheets.
About sheets.
Perfect.
Yeah.
Okay.
I better -- I better be going.
Perfect.
Okay.
All right.
Oh.
Ow.
That was cute.
[ thud .]
ow! Ow! [ laughs .]
oh, my god.
I'm not -- I'm not normally this clumsy.
In the movie, you are When you liked a guy.
Hmm.
l-I-f-e g-o-e-s o-n and you're going your own way [ knock on door .]
Hi.
I found a linen shop.
2,200 thread count.
It's technically illegal in this country.
It's like the cuban cigar of bedding.
Yeah! [ laughing .]
[ mates of states' "total serendipity" plays .]
[ giggling .]
mmm-mm-mm.
What? [ giggles .]
What'd you say the thread count was on these? 2,200.
2,200.
Really? Mm.
Mm, they're so good.
Yeah.
Yeah, I could get used to these sheets.
[ male announcer .]
the bankamericard cash rewards credit card.
U have an awesome outside jumper.
Hey.
Hey.
Good morning.
Mm.
I was, uh, trying to write you a pillow note.
I didn't know people still did pillow notes.
Well, it's nice to wake up next to a note.
Beats texting.
Is this your own stationery? Yes.
Do you use one of those wax things to stamp? [ laughs .]
that's so cute.
It's not.
You never told me how your movie ended.
The groom proposes to the wedding planner at the altar.
Wait.
Of his own wedding? Yep.
And the bride is cool with it.
[ chuckles .]
sure.
The happiest day of her life, And she just wants the man to be happy? She gets to keep the gifts, And then she meets her soul mate at the valet, So, you know Is that one of those liberties? WellI mean The real groom -- peter -- we did fall in love.
Got engaged.
Not at the altar, though.
No.
I mean, come on -- weddiquette.
I would never ruin a wedding.
So, what happened? It didn't work out? No.
I'm the wedding planner who can't get to the altar.
[ knock on door .]
that's probably my cab, so Oh.
Okay.
All right.
Okay, yeah.
I'll call -- I will call you.
Okay.
Okay.
Bye.
Hey.
Hey.
UmAre you here to see tommy? Uh, no, I was just -- I was at -- this is 604.
I'm -- I was going to 603.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Sorry.
[ rapid swishing .]
[ swishing continues .]
She's not a rebound planner.
Just hold it together, okay? Hold it together.
Here.
Try this.
What is that? What are you doing? It's a power yank.
Sanjay moon says I need to torture my body With painful workouts, which is odd, but if it's in the stars Roxie, I know that I'm not supposed to show our hand, But I really needed boyfriend advice, So I went over to tommy's.
Okay, sit down.
What'd you tell him? Nothing.
But I saw emily corgy Leaving his apartment when I got there.
She smell like sex? I don't know.
I didn't sniff her.
She did.
I'm sure.
Nobody leaves his apartment without having sex.
I have.
Well, that's because you talk about your boyfriend problems.
I mean, talk about a poon blocker.
[ whimpers .]
Now, emily having sex with tommy That puts us in the driver's seat.
You always say that sex gives us the upper hand.
Unless it's tommy, because after second dates, He gets all -- "whoo!" -- stir crazy.
I mean, can you imagine what he is like With somebody that he works with? No.
I mean, somebody he has to see every single day? [ laughing .]
Okay.
So we have nothing to worry about.
[ "superstition" plays .]
very superstitious writing's on the wall very superstitious ladder's about to fall 13-month-old baby broke the looking glass seven years of bad luck good things in your past when you believe in things that you don't understand then you suffer superstition ain't the way Hey! I didn't see that.
I'm so sorry.
No worries.
NoWorries.
I'll clean up.
I'll clean up.
I got it.
I got it.
Stevie, what are you doing with all this stuff in here? I like to buy in bulk.
Saves money.
Really? Yeah.
Rafts and oars and life vests? What, a black man can't go white-water rafting? Are you stocking up for the apocalypse? [ laughing .]
the apoc-- there is no apocalypse, tommy.
Barry, where are we with the trifecta? Yesterday, I saw a neck brace and an eye patch Before 7:00 a.
M.
After that, though, snake eyes.
I say we hit a medical plaza, right? Right.
Some kind of a hospital, something that has An ophthalmologist and a chiropractor.
No, no, no, that breaks the whole "hit up a medical plaza" rule.
All right.
We find a dwarf, poke him in the eye, And then shake him till he gets whiplash.
You can't do that.
You can't? No.
Otherwise, everybody would.
Mr.
Atwood boasts the largest collection Of degautier handwritten original predictions.
Is this the bloke who put "earth" on his death pool for this Saturday? Nostradamus gets the press, But degautier's prediction accuracy was higher.
Sort of like sanjay moon of his day.
[ both laugh .]
I don't know who that is.
We just thought, since this is a doomsday party, That armageddon it would be the perfect band.
Agreed! And here is my prediction -- Our final show is going to be earth-shattering.
It will literally shatter the earth.
Everybody's like, "wah!" falling off the earth.
I don't see any def leppard songs on this set list.
That's right, whitecap.
But you're a leppard tribute band.
Also right, my little hot tomato, Which is why we're playing all new material.
They're coming out with a new album? Yes.
No.
Sort of.
It's kind of a gray area.
These are def leppard tracks -- right? -- Written by us.
Can you do that? We did it.
It's done.
But it's the ultimate tribute -- Writing and recording their new album, right? Because we've been performing them so long, We actually know what they're thinking Before they know what they're thinking.
Who, uh Gave you this idea? T-o-m-m-y -- that's who said it.
Tommy.
Tommy.
Tommy.
He said we couldn't be original.
Ah.
Well, come Saturday night, You won't be able to tell Where "hysteria" ends and "arrhythmia" begins.
You get it, right? When you mentioned tommy.
Sometimes I talk to him about relationship advice, And I got lost in space [ chuckles .]
[ normal voice .]
guy advice, right?A [ boy .]
slurpably fun and a good source of calcium.
Hmm? [ "armageddon it" plays .]
[ gasps .]
[ music stops .]
[ air hissing .]
[ whimpering .]
Yeah! You didn't miss it.
And this ain't even a putter! Dude, I need your help, man.
I'm so stuck.
I'm trying to, uh, outdo the last horoscope That I did for roxie, and I can't think of anything.
Remind me what the last one was.
I said, "do something extravagant," And then rachel told me that she bought a motorcycle.
[ chuckles .]
that's dangerous.
No, it's not dangerous.
Yeah, it is.
You trying to kill somebody.
No, I'm not gonna kill her.
She can't die.
She's liquid metal.
Hi.
I'm looking for sanjay moon? [ clattering .]
What? That's roxie! Sanjay! Oh! Yo.
It is so wonderful to finally be in your presence.
[ chuckles nervously .]
[ laughs .]
I can just -- I can see your aura.
It's like lime green.
Lime gree-- no.
Raiders silver and black.
I'm a man.
Ain't no lime -- lime green.
You're so cute.
I just was wondering If you would be willing to do a reading for me.
Right now? Yeah.
Mm.
Sure.
First, we got to Okay.
Oh.
Close your eyes.
There you go.
The cards.
The cards.
You can open your eyes now.
You know, I think I'm gonna do the tarot cards.
Okay.
Okay, I'm gonna shuffle these up.
One for you, one for me.
One for you, one for me.
Ooh.
Pick up your cards.
All right.
Little different than Most tarot-card readings.
Yeah, well, this is the sanjay way.
I So Okay.
Hmm.
A person used to work for you.
Yes! And you fired him.
You are truly amazing.
And you're feeling bad about firing him, And you want them back in your life again Because you realize you made a mistake.
No.
I'm sorry.
What? No, I want to bury this person.
I just want to cut them off from the event community.
Just schw-w-k! What? Why? Well, the cards are saying different.
Right here is a judgement card, And it says that you don't want to harbor Any negative feelings towards this person Oh! Because it'll give you a spiritual ulcer.
I've had one of those.
It burns.
This is what I think you need to do.
Let's schedule a sit-down with this person 'cause it's obvious that this simple-minded sucker Is too afraid to -- Ow! Are you okay? I'm talking to the spirits.
You know what? You are right.
Mm-hmm.
I am gonna go right now and confront her.
Her? Oh.
I saw him, but it's her.
Okay.
Mm! Your aura.
Oh! I mean, your aura -- I could just -- unh! -- Unh! Eat it! And you smell wonderful! Mmm! Thanks again.
Anytime.
Sanjay all the way.
I'm the king, dude, come on.
Come on, buddy! Ha! You're welcome.
You're welcome! Did you deal those like poker cards? I did.
And it worked.
baby, I'm coming Thank you.
Roxie: Coffee.
[ helmet thuds .]
So, seven weddings in three days, Cuddle party before that.
That's right.
Was the mcneil fertility soiree as tough as they say? You looking to become a single mom? You looking to steal my band? Well, maybe if you gave them more personal attention Funny.
We had this exact same conversation Here in this exact same coffee shop.
Be sure to try our moose-burger special.
Moose is new.
Thank you.
Yeah, that's right.
I remember.
That was right before I quit.
Actually, I think you mean right before I fired you Because you ruined the very first wedding I let you plan.
Which was not my fault.
I mean, peter fell in love with me When I was planning this wedding.
Maybe that's the way the movie splenda-coated it, But you and I both know what's what.
Drop the quirky, corgy, okay? Okay.
A woman once told me Of a woman who was watching way too much of the movie "heat," "don't plan anything that you're not willing to fight for, Should the heat come down the aisle.
" Now, if you were me, you'd plan, and you'd just be able to do.
But if you can't, then how do you expect to keep a band? There is a flip side to that save-the-date.
You come between me and my band, sister, you are going down.
Well, I wouldn't be so sure about that.
[ knock on door .]
Eddie: Yo, yo! Hey, carrie.
Tommy: Funny.
Hi.
Funny stuff, eddie.
Yeah, yeah.
Dude! You watched the movie.
I did.
[ chuckles .]
Disappointing, the end.
I didn't really like it.
Yeah, yeah.
Ingrid made me watch this like 50 times this week.
She's so excited to meet emily cor-- Ooh.
Tommy, these -- these are nice sheets.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, they're just sheets.
I'd put the thread count at least at like two-thou-- Oh, my god.
Did you pork corgy? Are you serious? You got that from the thread count? 2,000 is not normal.
It's a quirk.
Okay.
You know what? They're not 2,000.
They're 2,200, okay? And so what? Sure.
I porked her.
I knew it! Unreal, man.
What are we gonna do now? What do we do when you break up with her? That'll be fun for the band.
It's gonna be too awkward to stay with corgy And too late to go back to rutherford.
You know what? I like her quirks, man.
I think they're cute.
No! You think they're cute now.
It's like when you go to the mall, And there's this cute little puppy in the window.
And you're like, "oh, my god, I want to take him home," And everything's great until, one day, The puppy just starts peeing everywhere And then he starts chewing your remote And then he figures out how to break in to your fridge And he goes after your meat! Didn't we all tell you to crate pepper? Yes.
You know what? I deal with your quirks.
I don't have any quirks, tommy.
You blush and you giggle like you're 5 Every time the gps girl tells you which direction to turn.
That's because she has a sexy voice.
[ indistinct conversations .]
Why is armageddon it's stuff here? What? They are not replacing us again.
UhExcuse me.
Oh! Hi, guys, guys! Uh -- uh Uh, we have a problem.
What? We've been double-booked.
How does that happen? Great.
This is the curse that just keeps on cursing.
Neck brace, neck brace, neck brace! What? What? Where? Where? What? So, two end-of-the-world parties at one venue? On the same night? How could this happen? Yeah, roxie, good question.
How? Honest mistake.
I mean, his name is atwood, Her name is atwood, And the last time they threw a party here, They were married, andYou worked for her.
Well, you know what? Two competing parties can't be in one space, So one group will have to go.
Two bands enter, one band leaves.
We're not leaving.
It's a draw.
How about that? [ bird screeches .]
Psst.
That is awk-weird.
Hey, don't steal my word.
Well, don't let emily corgy steal our band.
Roxie seems so stubborn.
What am I supposed to do? Well, tommy's being stubborn, too, and you know tommy.
Stubborn enough to share an event space? Mm.
Excuse me.
Can I talk to you for a second? Guys, I got this.
Come here.
Roxie, face the unexpected With the strength it takes to change your mind.
Remember your horoscope? It's like sanjay moon is watching over me, guiding my path.
Even if we coufind another venue on such short notice, This one's too spectacular.
Rutherford knows this.
You know what? He's right.
He's right.
I mean, if we back down, She's gonna think that she can walk all over you.
Yeah, the best thing to do is to combine both parties.
Okay.
Ohh.
Okay? Yeah.
Okay.
Quick idea -- Um, your marriage was a disaster, right? What better way to celebrate that than with this party, huh? Bring it together.
Together.
You guys all know the same people.
Why make them drive to separate parties? This is like the summer When "armageddon" and "deep impact" came out.
we got to get right back to where we started from [ cellphone rings .]
ow! Uh, I got to take this, so just Yeah.
Tommy: I know your make and model.
You alpha female? Huh? Queen bee? Roxie, you control all the menstrual cycles Of all the women in the office? Is that you? Tommy, where are you? I am everywhere, And I know that you are the one That double-booked this party.
Whoa, whoa.
Wait.
You think that I did this? Are you kidding? Our first gig with emily? Yeah, I think you would want to screw that up.
Absolutely.
Sh-she -- she's what? She's not who I think she is? Is that what you were gonna say? You know what she believes in? Weddiquette.
She follows it -- she wouldn't ruin a party, Not the way you're trying to.
Know what? I didn't peg you as the guy Who falls for the quirky, perky girl, And when I say "falls," I don't mean "falls in love.
" I mean "falls for her act.
" If you ruin the end of the world, I will cut off your earrings, And I will wear them as crotchkies.
Got it? [ sighs .]
Okay.
Okay.
Aye-aye-aye.
Come on! [ muttering .]
can't believe it.
[ cheers and applause .]
Hello, hello, you cheeky monkeys! [ cheers and applause .]
And yankee wankers! Yes, that's right -- I'm talking to you.
How did you get in? You sneak in through the back? All right! Listen up! We're gonna play a brand-new cut From our latest leppard album, "arrhythmia.
" It's called "rock-pocalypse"! [ cheers and applause .]
All right! Now check this out.
It's better to go up in flames than to go down in history! [ intro plays .]
All right! downtown, lost and found keep your ear to the ground strike the match, work that sound the whole wide world is burning down yes, it is you're so hard to read, don't know what you need I got love dyslexia gonna steal your heart, that's my favorite part I got kleptomania rock rock! pocalypse every time I kiss your lips Did he just sing that part to rachel? Those are the worst pick-up lyrics I've ever heard.
come to this? rock rock! pocalypse from your head down to your hips rock so dangerous another rock apocalypse Yeah! All: Ohh! Ha! [ gasps .]
this is part of the curse.
That means it's not just affecting us now.
It's spreading to the people we're close to.
Yeah.
This is terrible! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
It's almost 11:00, man.
All we have is a neck brace.
If we don't finish the trifecta by midnight, it resets.
I know.
Look -- back brace.
Back brace! No, no, man.
Dwarf or eye patch, okay? No substitutions.
It's a back brace.
More rare than a neck brace.
Rules are the rules.
Dude, dude! Magician! Magician! Magic's not real, barry, so No! Midgmagician! Midget-cian! [ "rock-pocalypse" continues .]
[ laughing .]
Both: Midget! Midget! Midget! Midget! Faux joe: Oho-ho-ho! Wankers! Can you feel it? We just kicked your ear drums' arse! I didn't really feel anything, so, uh, sorry.
Yeah, I didn't really feel anything, either, big guy.
We just shagged the audience's brains With two albums' worth of new material, all original.
You know, we're not really up at rutherford's anymore, So I -- I'm not sure that it matters so much.
Maybe we should move on.
Like rachel moved on from you? 'cause I was covering for you last night When I had rachel cover meIn bed.
Just walk away.
Walk away.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
It's fine.
It's fine.
I just want to make sure that he didn't take advantage of her In any way, which I'm sure you didn't, right? Tommy, you got it all wrong.
She just needed someone to talk to.
You weren't around.
I could give you a brief update of our conversation.
It went something like this, right? She was like that, and I said, "rachel, that's nice.
I like that.
That's right.
Talk to me.
" And then she said, "oh, no, I like that, too.
" That's obnoxious.
Okay, thank you.
You don't fancy when people make lurid remarks About your fiancée? She's not my fiancée.
Well, then why was she wearing an engagement ring, then, Moron tommy? [ chuckles .]
Why was she doing that? She's engaged.
Not to me, but she's engaged, Which is why she would wear the ring.
Dude, you broke rule number 1.
Pretty stupid.
Yeah, man.
Never break up a wedding.
Mm.
Yeah, 'cause that, my friend, is a bad karma-clysm.
You are for sure cursed.
Cursed.
[ normal voice .]
I broke the rule.
Oh, damn it.
Damn it! Aah! Aah, aah.
I heard a pop.
Aah! Oh! Get me to an ambulance! [ motorcycle approaching .]
[ sebastian screaming .]
Help me, lady gaga! What is sebastian doing here? See? I knew the real emily had a real sebastian.
She does have a g.
F.
F.
Hold on a second.
Why -- why did you lie about him? Roxie: Go tell him.
Tell him how you kidnapped me from my boyfriend's party, Knocked me out, and can't ride a motorcycle?! No, go tell him how you became emily's ex-g.
F.
F.
! Go on.
Nice coat.
Thank you.
I thought the color really popped.
Emily plans more than weddings.
She manipulated peter Into falling in love with her -- no, that's not true.
Sebastian is just bitter because peter wasn't interested in him.
I'm angry because she made me pose as her fiancé To make him jealous And it worked.
And that's the frosting on the cake, girlfriend.
Emily broke her first rule of weddiquette.
The planner is never the centerpiece.
So you -- you ruined that man's wedding.
Look, I-I know you're probably upset that I lied -- Did you double-book this, also? Was this your doing? Ohh, well, you can't blame me For wanting to get back at roxie for firing me.
Well, of course I don't blame you, But this isn't how we do business, emily.
And that's the frosting on the cake, girlfriend.
You s-said that part.
I know.
I'm gonna want my sheets back.
Come on.
[ clears throat .]
you know, You always talk about us crossing the line, but kidnapping? I don't see any cops around here.
At least I wore gloves when I jumped sebastian.
Does that mean you're revoking our red cards? Wh-- uh Okay.
I'll be the bigger man.
What did you do to your neck? You know, pole dancing, I inverted a hurricane carol.
Never invert the hurricane.
I know.
I know.
Somebody couldn't live without us.
Actually, it has nothing to do with you.
You can thank sanjay.
You should read his horoscope sometime.
It's really insightful.
Thank you, we have time for one more song, So please join me in welcoming the horny groomsmen.
[ cheers and applause .]
Stevie, looks like we're not gonna reverse the curse.
I know.
We were so close, too.
All we needed was the eye patch.
The mini magician was cool.
Yes.
Come on.
Let's poke him in the eye.
Hey.
Rules are rules.
It'd at least be fun.
[ scoffs .]
[ "it's the end of the world as we know it" plays .]
that's great it starts with an earthquake birds and snakes, an aeroplane lenny bruce is not afraid eye of a hurricane listen to yourself churn, world serves its own needs don't misserve your own needs, feed it up a knock no, no speed, grunt, strength ladder structure clatter with the fear of height down height, wire in a fire representing seven games and a government for hire and a combat site left her, wasn't coming in a hurry down your neck with the furies breathing team by team reporters baffled, trump tethered crop, look at that low plane fine, then uh-oh, overflow, population, common group, but it'll do save yourself, serve yourself, world serves its own needs listen to your heart bleed tell me with the rapture and the reverent and the right right you vitriolic, patriotic slam, fight, bright light, feeling pretty psyched it's the end of the world as we know it it's the end of the world as we know it it's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine it's the end of the world as we know it it's the end of the world as we know it it's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine 5432 1 Eye patch! [ cheers and applause .]
Trifecta! [ cheers and applause .]
SoFaux joe? It was one night, tommy.
We had sex.
Stop, stop, stop! I don't know if I want details.
I do want details.
And I'm kidding.
He had two beers.
Uh-huh.
He passed out.
I finished the 12-pack and Decided to stay there instead of driving home.
That's it? That's it.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
Of all the lead singers, Why is he the one you would go to for anything? What was I supposed to do? You weren't around.
I bet that came out wrong.
No.
I'm not engaged anymore.
What do you mean, you're not engaged anymore? What happened? I figured out why I couldn't plan my wedding.
Tommy, tommy.
Last call, dude.
Last call.
No, no, hold on, hold on, hold on.
No, no, no, no.
Ingrid's got the new g.
F.
F.
Sebastian.
I got lots of free time.
We got to take advantage.
Let's do it.
Barry: Yes, it's the trifecta.
You can thank me and stevie.
Got another whole year of good luck.
Anything's possible.
All right! Anything.
Let's go do it.
Okay, okay.
Last call.
It was a good show.
I'm proud of us.
I think we did a good job.
We should have lit somebody on fire onstage.
Barry.
[ grunts .]
I think it's pretty clear That we're doing the right thing here, barry.
Oh, we got a chance, man.
We can walk away right now and avoid a giant curse.
I'm with barry on this.
I think we might have crossed a line somewhere.
About to be 6 feet under that line, that's for sure.
Really? You sure about that? We crossed a line? You know this woman down here, this humanitarian, Raised this groom.
And she is counting on us to fulfill her dying wish.
We all read grandma's will.
That ring down there, she promised this to this groom To give to his bride on their wedding day Which is today.
Which is today.
And we're about 15 minutes late.
This thing has crossed three continents, Six generations And it would be seven if some idiot Hadn't accidentally buried it in the grave.
Besides, we have consent From the groom's family estate lawyer.
Yeah.
Also 57 bucks in shovels andGloves.
[ grunts .]
I think we're covered here.
I think we'cursed here.
No such thing as curses, barry.
Mark my word, guys -- from this day forward, Our lives are never gonna be the same again.
[ owl hoots .]
[ up-tempo music plays .]
Minister: You may now place the ring on lindsay's finger.
You do have the ring? [ crowd murmuring .]
Why isn't the ring here? I don't know.
I don't -- Neck brace, neck brace! Barry, don't point! It's rude! No, it's part of a trifecta.
You see a neck brace, an eye patch, and a dwarf In the same day, it launders your karma.
"trifecta" -- where do you come up with this stuff? I know these -- hey.
[ cheering .]
Man: Whoo! That is why we crossed the line.
[ cheers and applause .]
You're really good about the guys getting here late? Well, my horoscope said, "prepare for lateness.
" Well, that sanjay moon has been right on target this month.
I know! I know.
We are so in tune.
It's like he almost knows my schedule.
Spooky! Sanjay didn't say she'd be here.
Is thatEmily? Yes.
America's favorite wedding planner, emily corgy.
Oh, my god.
They based "can't plan love" on her.
I love that movie.
Well, stop loving it, okay? Because that crapfest has inspired every 14-year-old ditz To become a wedding planner.
Excuse me.
[ gasps .]
roxie! Ah! Oh! What a surprise.
Hi.
Hi! Oh! Oh, I didn't know this was your event.
What are you doing here -- stealing ideas for a sequel? Oh.
Well, everybody wants one, but no.
I have the boboroff engagement party here tomorrow, And a planner always triple-checks her details.
I love those little axioms your character couldn't live without.
What are those called? Weddiquette.
Well, stick this in your weddiquette -- A planner doesn't poach.
You don't have to worry about me poaching.
But I -- I would worry about those cops.
Let's go.
Let's go -- you.
Now do you believe we're cursed? Officers, please, please, We can't have a wedding without a wedding band.
Grave-robbing? Really? Uh, wedding archaeologists? I think that's a better title for what it is we did.
The cops questioned me for two hours.
I had to convince them that your little stunt Wasn't part of the platinum memories wedding package.
Told you we crossed a line.
Are you sure? I don't think I heard you 'cause I was so busy digging.
I was holding the lantern.
The worst part of this is you guys did this In front of emily corgy, my biggest rival! She is gonna spin this thing Faster than semen in a fertility clinic.
Uh, roxie, now, don't forget What sanjay moon said in your horoscope this week About forgiveness.
Oh! Eddie turned me on to sanjay moon.
Wisdom from the east.
Ohh! Forgiveness is so good for the soul.
Spoke to my heart.
All true, true, true, true! But he doesn't have to put up with you guys! Rachel, red cards.
Barry: Um, I'm sorry.
The yellow cards meant we're kind of, like, out, And the red mean It means you're ejected.
I am no longer booking you.
Hold on a second.
We go the extra mile for your client, And -- and this is -- this is how you repay us? Yeah.
You know what? I'm so sick of this soccer metaphor.
Okay? Okay, lead-singer syndrome.
You can't eject us because we, as a band, Are refusing to take the field.
What do you think of that? You know what? Sit down.
No.
Eddie: What are you doing? She doesn't respect us, eddie.
You know what you can do? You can eject yourself.
You can go eject yourself! Fine! Good.
Fine! Super! Hey, what just happened? I think we just broke up.
I told you.
We're cursed.
Tommy! What? Tommy, can you please apologize and just go back in there? You can get -- what am I gonna apologize for? I didn't do anything.
How are we gonna see each other on the weekends? You know what I mean.
That came out weird, but No, no, no.
I do.
I do.
No, I know.
I get it.
I have some stuff Going on with adam I really need to talk to you about, And I don't have anyone else.
All right, I get it.
[ elevator bell dings .]
[ def leppard's "armageddon it" plays .]
[ footsteps thudding .]
Really? [ coughs .]
[ british accent .]
symbolic, isn't it? Us on the way up, you on the way down.
You guys -- you wear these, huh, even to meetings? We're massive rockers, mate.
This is what it takes to make it at rutherford events.
You see this? This is the discipline.
Covering the same band for 15 years -- that's discipline? You guys change your crotch cucumbers more than your set list.
Have you guys ever considered doing something original? Like getting sacked for digging up a grave? That just happened.
How did you find out about that? Looks like the shepherd's pie has thickened.
Tommy: The shepherd's pie th-- I don't even think you know what you're talking about.
It's very similar to chicken pot pie.
Have you been to -- to England before? Ever? Ever? I'll tell you where I habeen -- On the telly with roxie last night, And she was begging me to fill in for your upcoming gigs.
Last night? Roxie didn't give us a chance to defend ourselves.
Yeah.
You know, next, we'll be filling inYour wives.
Okay, that's -- stop talking.
Wives? What? And rachel and barry's sock.
Nobody talks about gold toe.
But I just did.
I got camel toe right there.
[ tasers crackling .]
[ all shouting, groaning .]
[ screams .]
In the battle of the bands, the last band not convulsing Wins.
[ elevator bell dings .]
[ normal voice .]
uh, rachel, I don't want to be here when they come to, So can you just tell roxie that we need to reschedule? [ all groaning .]
[ british accent .]
come on, come on, come on.
Back into the lift.
Back into the lift.
[ siren wails .]
Tommy: "treat yourself to an extravagant gift.
" sashay, sanjay mm-hmm.
Hey, man.
I'm hoping with all that I have inside of me That you are dating some chick who is kinky And into inter-paranormal relations.
What does that mean? It's when you bang it out with ghosts.
Why would I bang it out with a ghost? Pull down the ghost pants and bang it out.
Why are you digging up graves? I'm not digging -- well, I mean -- No.
I don't even want to hear it.
We got a good thing going on here, man.
You're starting to get reckless.
You're starting to sound like danny glover.
This isn't my danny glover voice.
[ as danny glover .]
this is my danny glover voice, riggs.
I'm getting too old for this, riggs.
It's throatier.
It's throatier.
You're right.
Thank you.
[ normal voice .]
for real, I got you this job, man.
And now you're gonna blow it for me.
You're gonna get me fired.
I know why you edit the personals.
It's so you can stay on top of the single ladies in the city.
And the reason why you got the horoscope job Is because you're the best b.
S.
'er I know.
And I am a leo, and I find you incredibly attractive in that shirt.
Hey, it's purple.
Can you tell me my horoscope? I could.
Hi.
Hi.
Emily corgy.
Oh, emily.
Corgy associates.
Hi.
Hey.
How are you? It's good to meet you.
I've heard so much about you.
And I heard about the grave-robbing.
And I want to ask you, Is that the furthest you'd go for a client? I don't know that you could go further than grave-robbing.
Exhuming a body for a ring? I mean, what woman wouldn't love that, right? Most of them.
No! No, it's inspiring.
Um, oh! Cupcake? Hey.
All right.
I will totally eat one of your delicious cupcakes.
That's great.
They look wonderful.
You are a hard man to find.
I stopped by your tour booth.
Tour's shut down for the season.
There's not any people that really want to do tours right now.
Well, I know that you're with rutherford, And weddiquette says a wedding planner Always respects loyalty, but Does roxie respect what you do? [ chuckles .]
well, sometimes she does.
And you guys are special.
But you're not being treated like you are.
Mmm.
Sounds like she's about to pop the question, buddy.
It does, doesn't it? Like the knock? It's good stuff, right? Yeah.
Pretty good, yeah.
"sportscenter"? Yeah.
Guys here? Yeah, they're in the kids's playroom.
[ women laughing .]
not them.
That's something else.
All the ladies giggling? Not them.
Yeah.
Ingrid's having a girls night, And they're playing "sex and the city" monopoly, And I got to help out -- make appletinis, Stuff like that.
Hmm.
I'm not playing or anything.
Ingrid: Honey, you're up! Woman: Yeah.
Go ahead and roll for me, babe.
I'll be right there.
Okay, honey.
Yeah.
You're such a miranda.
That's what ingrid keeps saying.
Okay, so get this -- You'll never believe who came to visit me.
Emily corgy.
Great.
That's great.
The inspiration for "can't plan love.
" Right.
Rutherford's biggest rival.
So, she heard about what happened at the cemetery, And she wants us to come work with her.
Whoa, whoa.
That's really suspicious.
I mean, why would she approach us After the grave-robbing incident? Because logically, she couldn't approach us before it.
It doesn't matter, man.
I don't trust it.
It's all p.
C.
-- Post-curse.
Not cursed, barry.
We are not cursed.
We got tasered today.
Let's not forget that rutherford gave us our big break, So I say we go back, apologize to her, Mend the fence [ door opens .]
Honey, you just landed on the manolo blahnik store.
Buy it.
Ingrid, you know who emily corgy is, right? Dude.
Ingrid: Oh, uh, yeah! That name means something to every woman.
You know, awkward in her own skin, Kind of girl women relate to, men want to do, And, of course, we all wish we had a sebastian.
Who? Sebastian's the g.
F.
F.
From the movie.
Yeah, her gay friend forever.
You know, the shopping buddy with the snappy one-liners, The kind of guy that calls you six times a day Just to see how you're doing, Takes you to the ballet, musicals.
Ingrid, treal emily corgy wants us to come work for her.
[ gasps .]
and your husband thinks it's a stupid idea.
Wh-- no! It's a no-brainer.
Right? It's a no-brainer.
Can I go tell my friends? No, you can't! You should go tell everyone.
I have.
I don't know what's the matter with you.
Unbelievable! Share it.
You just used my wife against me.
You wifed me.
I didn't wife you.
That was awful.
You just wifed him.
Did I really? I want to make sure we are doing this For the right reason as a band, all right? Right.
Right.
Not because you want to get revenge on rutherford.
There's an event Saturday.
We feel it out.
We test-drive the situation.
That's all.
Okay.
But we don't drive it off the lot until we all agree.
Deal.
So, what's the event? It's an "end of the world" party.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
The world's ending? Yeah.
Saturday.
It's been all over the news.
This french philosopher like 200 years ago Predicted the end of the world.
There's gonna be all these parties.
So, this philosopher -- Any of his other predictions come true? Yeah, only like all of them -- Two world wars, stock-market crash, acid-wash jeans.
Jessica, hey.
How's the kids? Hmph! No? Hey.
Hi.
Hey.
What's How areThings? Since yesterday? Mm-hmm.
You know, yeah, yeah, just, your busy stuff.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Errands and Cool.
I came here to -- to get the paychecks.
I was just doing paychecks.
[ laughs .]
it's so weird.
It's so weird.
It's like we're connected still.
Yeah.
But we're not.
This is soAwk-weird.
It's so stupid.
Roxie's so stubborn.
You know, tommy.
I'm like, "tommy" I know.
It's like, "just apologize, man.
" Well, roxie actually should probably apologize.
I mean, armageddon it here.
Like, you obviously planned it.
And they electrocuted us with the taser things.
And, I don't know, like I mean, I have a weak h-- like You didn't really leave us much choice, dude.
Because you left the credit-card receipt behind for the shovel.
Like, there's the credit-card number, so we're gonna trace it.
That's the way it works.
Yeah, yeah, totally.
Well, emily corgy thought it was pretty cool.
You know, she thought it was awesome.
We're playing an event for her, like, Saturday.
Really happy.
You're seeing another wedding planner? I don't want to put a label on it, but That's cool.
Whatever.
[ elevator bell dings .]
Ah.
Hey, hey.
Roxie.
Pretty cool bike you got there.
Ow! God! Ow! Hey.
So, they sent eddie.
That's good.
Now we know who the weak link is.
Yeah.
So, you got the motorcycle.
Yeah, thanks to sanjay moon.
My horoscope today said That I should treat myself to an extravagant gift.
Sanjay is so wise.
Why didn't you park it in the garage? Why? Larry parks his bike here.
Well, a 10-speed doesn't leak oil.
What is it with cyclists? I mean, they ride six blocks to the office, And they act like they've done the tour de France.
So, did you get anything out of eddie? They signed with emily corgy.
Ah.
I'd be disappointed if they didn't.
Tommy saw us with another band.
He's just going with another wedding planner To make us jealous.
What if it gets serious? Oh, emily's just a rebound planner.
Pbht! It'll never work.
They'll be back.
As long as we don't show our hand.
Can you do that? Yes.
'cause they're in my pock-- They're behind my back.
Emily: Who knows if the world is going to end or not.
Hopefully it won't, right? Olive: Well But olive is always looking for a good excuse for a party.
I knew I recognized you.
You're olive atwood.
Yes.
Oh, right.
Your husband's the coffee baron.
Uh -- ex! Ex-husband.
Sorry.
It's totally okay.
No, but now that it's final, I just want to blow it all up and start over again.
Tommy: I see the symbolism.
Well, you know, nothing says "party your booty off" Like "end of the world," right? And it's gonna be amazing, over the top.
I mean, magicians, tarot-card readers.
There's a thunderdome! [ laughs .]
that's right.
Exactly the kind of party I never could have had with my ex.
He took everything way too seriously.
Well, maybe he should.
I'm just saying.
Don't try to scare her.
There's always somebody predicting the end of the world.
Yeah, but not on the same week we exhumed a body.
Yeah.
Okay.
Whatever.
Oh! What? UmNothing.
[ indistinct conversation .]
Tell me again what the trifecta is.
Oh, yeah, right.
Need a neck brace, a midget -- Eye patch.
Yes.
Dude, don't tell anybody I asked.
It's okay.
I just don't want to die here.
We won't.
[ brakes squeal .]
Thanks for sharing your cab with me.
You're welcome.
I don't really like to ride alone.
Interesting issues Issues you have.
Never say that to a girl.
You have to say "quirks.
" Okay.
You know, it's cuter.
Was that quirk in your movie? Yes.
That made it in.
Yeah.
But they took a ton of liberties.
There's lots of stuff I don't do.
Like what? Well, like, I don't dance around my apartment.
I don't sing into my hairbrush.
You ever sing into your toothbrush? Yeah.
Is there really a sebastian? Oh, everybody asks that.
I love it when he says, "and that's the frosting on my cake, girlfriend!" No, no sebastian.
Really? So no g.
F.
F.
, then.
No, uh No one to shop with.
So sad.
You know, we'd probably save a lot of money If we finished this conversation upstairs.
I have this thing where I -- I only sleep on my own sheets.
No, I wasn't actually saying that -- oh, no! I wanted to have a conversation with you -- A new conversation about sheets.
About sheets.
Perfect.
Yeah.
Okay.
I better -- I better be going.
Perfect.
Okay.
All right.
Oh.
Ow.
That was cute.
[ thud .]
ow! Ow! [ laughs .]
oh, my god.
I'm not -- I'm not normally this clumsy.
In the movie, you are When you liked a guy.
Hmm.
l-I-f-e g-o-e-s o-n and you're going your own way [ knock on door .]
Hi.
I found a linen shop.
2,200 thread count.
It's technically illegal in this country.
It's like the cuban cigar of bedding.
Yeah! [ laughing .]
[ mates of states' "total serendipity" plays .]
[ giggling .]
mmm-mm-mm.
What? [ giggles .]
What'd you say the thread count was on these? 2,200.
2,200.
Really? Mm.
Mm, they're so good.
Yeah.
Yeah, I could get used to these sheets.
[ male announcer .]
the bankamericard cash rewards credit card.
U have an awesome outside jumper.
Hey.
Hey.
Good morning.
Mm.
I was, uh, trying to write you a pillow note.
I didn't know people still did pillow notes.
Well, it's nice to wake up next to a note.
Beats texting.
Is this your own stationery? Yes.
Do you use one of those wax things to stamp? [ laughs .]
that's so cute.
It's not.
You never told me how your movie ended.
The groom proposes to the wedding planner at the altar.
Wait.
Of his own wedding? Yep.
And the bride is cool with it.
[ chuckles .]
sure.
The happiest day of her life, And she just wants the man to be happy? She gets to keep the gifts, And then she meets her soul mate at the valet, So, you know Is that one of those liberties? WellI mean The real groom -- peter -- we did fall in love.
Got engaged.
Not at the altar, though.
No.
I mean, come on -- weddiquette.
I would never ruin a wedding.
So, what happened? It didn't work out? No.
I'm the wedding planner who can't get to the altar.
[ knock on door .]
that's probably my cab, so Oh.
Okay.
All right.
Okay, yeah.
I'll call -- I will call you.
Okay.
Okay.
Bye.
Hey.
Hey.
UmAre you here to see tommy? Uh, no, I was just -- I was at -- this is 604.
I'm -- I was going to 603.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Sorry.
[ rapid swishing .]
[ swishing continues .]
She's not a rebound planner.
Just hold it together, okay? Hold it together.
Here.
Try this.
What is that? What are you doing? It's a power yank.
Sanjay moon says I need to torture my body With painful workouts, which is odd, but if it's in the stars Roxie, I know that I'm not supposed to show our hand, But I really needed boyfriend advice, So I went over to tommy's.
Okay, sit down.
What'd you tell him? Nothing.
But I saw emily corgy Leaving his apartment when I got there.
She smell like sex? I don't know.
I didn't sniff her.
She did.
I'm sure.
Nobody leaves his apartment without having sex.
I have.
Well, that's because you talk about your boyfriend problems.
I mean, talk about a poon blocker.
[ whimpers .]
Now, emily having sex with tommy That puts us in the driver's seat.
You always say that sex gives us the upper hand.
Unless it's tommy, because after second dates, He gets all -- "whoo!" -- stir crazy.
I mean, can you imagine what he is like With somebody that he works with? No.
I mean, somebody he has to see every single day? [ laughing .]
Okay.
So we have nothing to worry about.
[ "superstition" plays .]
very superstitious writing's on the wall very superstitious ladder's about to fall 13-month-old baby broke the looking glass seven years of bad luck good things in your past when you believe in things that you don't understand then you suffer superstition ain't the way Hey! I didn't see that.
I'm so sorry.
No worries.
NoWorries.
I'll clean up.
I'll clean up.
I got it.
I got it.
Stevie, what are you doing with all this stuff in here? I like to buy in bulk.
Saves money.
Really? Yeah.
Rafts and oars and life vests? What, a black man can't go white-water rafting? Are you stocking up for the apocalypse? [ laughing .]
the apoc-- there is no apocalypse, tommy.
Barry, where are we with the trifecta? Yesterday, I saw a neck brace and an eye patch Before 7:00 a.
M.
After that, though, snake eyes.
I say we hit a medical plaza, right? Right.
Some kind of a hospital, something that has An ophthalmologist and a chiropractor.
No, no, no, that breaks the whole "hit up a medical plaza" rule.
All right.
We find a dwarf, poke him in the eye, And then shake him till he gets whiplash.
You can't do that.
You can't? No.
Otherwise, everybody would.
Mr.
Atwood boasts the largest collection Of degautier handwritten original predictions.
Is this the bloke who put "earth" on his death pool for this Saturday? Nostradamus gets the press, But degautier's prediction accuracy was higher.
Sort of like sanjay moon of his day.
[ both laugh .]
I don't know who that is.
We just thought, since this is a doomsday party, That armageddon it would be the perfect band.
Agreed! And here is my prediction -- Our final show is going to be earth-shattering.
It will literally shatter the earth.
Everybody's like, "wah!" falling off the earth.
I don't see any def leppard songs on this set list.
That's right, whitecap.
But you're a leppard tribute band.
Also right, my little hot tomato, Which is why we're playing all new material.
They're coming out with a new album? Yes.
No.
Sort of.
It's kind of a gray area.
These are def leppard tracks -- right? -- Written by us.
Can you do that? We did it.
It's done.
But it's the ultimate tribute -- Writing and recording their new album, right? Because we've been performing them so long, We actually know what they're thinking Before they know what they're thinking.
Who, uh Gave you this idea? T-o-m-m-y -- that's who said it.
Tommy.
Tommy.
Tommy.
He said we couldn't be original.
Ah.
Well, come Saturday night, You won't be able to tell Where "hysteria" ends and "arrhythmia" begins.
You get it, right? When you mentioned tommy.
Sometimes I talk to him about relationship advice, And I got lost in space [ chuckles .]
[ normal voice .]
guy advice, right?A [ boy .]
slurpably fun and a good source of calcium.
Hmm? [ "armageddon it" plays .]
[ gasps .]
[ music stops .]
[ air hissing .]
[ whimpering .]
Yeah! You didn't miss it.
And this ain't even a putter! Dude, I need your help, man.
I'm so stuck.
I'm trying to, uh, outdo the last horoscope That I did for roxie, and I can't think of anything.
Remind me what the last one was.
I said, "do something extravagant," And then rachel told me that she bought a motorcycle.
[ chuckles .]
that's dangerous.
No, it's not dangerous.
Yeah, it is.
You trying to kill somebody.
No, I'm not gonna kill her.
She can't die.
She's liquid metal.
Hi.
I'm looking for sanjay moon? [ clattering .]
What? That's roxie! Sanjay! Oh! Yo.
It is so wonderful to finally be in your presence.
[ chuckles nervously .]
[ laughs .]
I can just -- I can see your aura.
It's like lime green.
Lime gree-- no.
Raiders silver and black.
I'm a man.
Ain't no lime -- lime green.
You're so cute.
I just was wondering If you would be willing to do a reading for me.
Right now? Yeah.
Mm.
Sure.
First, we got to Okay.
Oh.
Close your eyes.
There you go.
The cards.
The cards.
You can open your eyes now.
You know, I think I'm gonna do the tarot cards.
Okay.
Okay, I'm gonna shuffle these up.
One for you, one for me.
One for you, one for me.
Ooh.
Pick up your cards.
All right.
Little different than Most tarot-card readings.
Yeah, well, this is the sanjay way.
I So Okay.
Hmm.
A person used to work for you.
Yes! And you fired him.
You are truly amazing.
And you're feeling bad about firing him, And you want them back in your life again Because you realize you made a mistake.
No.
I'm sorry.
What? No, I want to bury this person.
I just want to cut them off from the event community.
Just schw-w-k! What? Why? Well, the cards are saying different.
Right here is a judgement card, And it says that you don't want to harbor Any negative feelings towards this person Oh! Because it'll give you a spiritual ulcer.
I've had one of those.
It burns.
This is what I think you need to do.
Let's schedule a sit-down with this person 'cause it's obvious that this simple-minded sucker Is too afraid to -- Ow! Are you okay? I'm talking to the spirits.
You know what? You are right.
Mm-hmm.
I am gonna go right now and confront her.
Her? Oh.
I saw him, but it's her.
Okay.
Mm! Your aura.
Oh! I mean, your aura -- I could just -- unh! -- Unh! Eat it! And you smell wonderful! Mmm! Thanks again.
Anytime.
Sanjay all the way.
I'm the king, dude, come on.
Come on, buddy! Ha! You're welcome.
You're welcome! Did you deal those like poker cards? I did.
And it worked.
baby, I'm coming Thank you.
Roxie: Coffee.
[ helmet thuds .]
So, seven weddings in three days, Cuddle party before that.
That's right.
Was the mcneil fertility soiree as tough as they say? You looking to become a single mom? You looking to steal my band? Well, maybe if you gave them more personal attention Funny.
We had this exact same conversation Here in this exact same coffee shop.
Be sure to try our moose-burger special.
Moose is new.
Thank you.
Yeah, that's right.
I remember.
That was right before I quit.
Actually, I think you mean right before I fired you Because you ruined the very first wedding I let you plan.
Which was not my fault.
I mean, peter fell in love with me When I was planning this wedding.
Maybe that's the way the movie splenda-coated it, But you and I both know what's what.
Drop the quirky, corgy, okay? Okay.
A woman once told me Of a woman who was watching way too much of the movie "heat," "don't plan anything that you're not willing to fight for, Should the heat come down the aisle.
" Now, if you were me, you'd plan, and you'd just be able to do.
But if you can't, then how do you expect to keep a band? There is a flip side to that save-the-date.
You come between me and my band, sister, you are going down.
Well, I wouldn't be so sure about that.
[ knock on door .]
Eddie: Yo, yo! Hey, carrie.
Tommy: Funny.
Hi.
Funny stuff, eddie.
Yeah, yeah.
Dude! You watched the movie.
I did.
[ chuckles .]
Disappointing, the end.
I didn't really like it.
Yeah, yeah.
Ingrid made me watch this like 50 times this week.
She's so excited to meet emily cor-- Ooh.
Tommy, these -- these are nice sheets.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, they're just sheets.
I'd put the thread count at least at like two-thou-- Oh, my god.
Did you pork corgy? Are you serious? You got that from the thread count? 2,000 is not normal.
It's a quirk.
Okay.
You know what? They're not 2,000.
They're 2,200, okay? And so what? Sure.
I porked her.
I knew it! Unreal, man.
What are we gonna do now? What do we do when you break up with her? That'll be fun for the band.
It's gonna be too awkward to stay with corgy And too late to go back to rutherford.
You know what? I like her quirks, man.
I think they're cute.
No! You think they're cute now.
It's like when you go to the mall, And there's this cute little puppy in the window.
And you're like, "oh, my god, I want to take him home," And everything's great until, one day, The puppy just starts peeing everywhere And then he starts chewing your remote And then he figures out how to break in to your fridge And he goes after your meat! Didn't we all tell you to crate pepper? Yes.
You know what? I deal with your quirks.
I don't have any quirks, tommy.
You blush and you giggle like you're 5 Every time the gps girl tells you which direction to turn.
That's because she has a sexy voice.
[ indistinct conversations .]
Why is armageddon it's stuff here? What? They are not replacing us again.
UhExcuse me.
Oh! Hi, guys, guys! Uh -- uh Uh, we have a problem.
What? We've been double-booked.
How does that happen? Great.
This is the curse that just keeps on cursing.
Neck brace, neck brace, neck brace! What? What? Where? Where? What? So, two end-of-the-world parties at one venue? On the same night? How could this happen? Yeah, roxie, good question.
How? Honest mistake.
I mean, his name is atwood, Her name is atwood, And the last time they threw a party here, They were married, andYou worked for her.
Well, you know what? Two competing parties can't be in one space, So one group will have to go.
Two bands enter, one band leaves.
We're not leaving.
It's a draw.
How about that? [ bird screeches .]
Psst.
That is awk-weird.
Hey, don't steal my word.
Well, don't let emily corgy steal our band.
Roxie seems so stubborn.
What am I supposed to do? Well, tommy's being stubborn, too, and you know tommy.
Stubborn enough to share an event space? Mm.
Excuse me.
Can I talk to you for a second? Guys, I got this.
Come here.
Roxie, face the unexpected With the strength it takes to change your mind.
Remember your horoscope? It's like sanjay moon is watching over me, guiding my path.
Even if we coufind another venue on such short notice, This one's too spectacular.
Rutherford knows this.
You know what? He's right.
He's right.
I mean, if we back down, She's gonna think that she can walk all over you.
Yeah, the best thing to do is to combine both parties.
Okay.
Ohh.
Okay? Yeah.
Okay.
Quick idea -- Um, your marriage was a disaster, right? What better way to celebrate that than with this party, huh? Bring it together.
Together.
You guys all know the same people.
Why make them drive to separate parties? This is like the summer When "armageddon" and "deep impact" came out.
we got to get right back to where we started from [ cellphone rings .]
ow! Uh, I got to take this, so just Yeah.
Tommy: I know your make and model.
You alpha female? Huh? Queen bee? Roxie, you control all the menstrual cycles Of all the women in the office? Is that you? Tommy, where are you? I am everywhere, And I know that you are the one That double-booked this party.
Whoa, whoa.
Wait.
You think that I did this? Are you kidding? Our first gig with emily? Yeah, I think you would want to screw that up.
Absolutely.
Sh-she -- she's what? She's not who I think she is? Is that what you were gonna say? You know what she believes in? Weddiquette.
She follows it -- she wouldn't ruin a party, Not the way you're trying to.
Know what? I didn't peg you as the guy Who falls for the quirky, perky girl, And when I say "falls," I don't mean "falls in love.
" I mean "falls for her act.
" If you ruin the end of the world, I will cut off your earrings, And I will wear them as crotchkies.
Got it? [ sighs .]
Okay.
Okay.
Aye-aye-aye.
Come on! [ muttering .]
can't believe it.
[ cheers and applause .]
Hello, hello, you cheeky monkeys! [ cheers and applause .]
And yankee wankers! Yes, that's right -- I'm talking to you.
How did you get in? You sneak in through the back? All right! Listen up! We're gonna play a brand-new cut From our latest leppard album, "arrhythmia.
" It's called "rock-pocalypse"! [ cheers and applause .]
All right! Now check this out.
It's better to go up in flames than to go down in history! [ intro plays .]
All right! downtown, lost and found keep your ear to the ground strike the match, work that sound the whole wide world is burning down yes, it is you're so hard to read, don't know what you need I got love dyslexia gonna steal your heart, that's my favorite part I got kleptomania rock rock! pocalypse every time I kiss your lips Did he just sing that part to rachel? Those are the worst pick-up lyrics I've ever heard.
come to this? rock rock! pocalypse from your head down to your hips rock so dangerous another rock apocalypse Yeah! All: Ohh! Ha! [ gasps .]
this is part of the curse.
That means it's not just affecting us now.
It's spreading to the people we're close to.
Yeah.
This is terrible! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
It's almost 11:00, man.
All we have is a neck brace.
If we don't finish the trifecta by midnight, it resets.
I know.
Look -- back brace.
Back brace! No, no, man.
Dwarf or eye patch, okay? No substitutions.
It's a back brace.
More rare than a neck brace.
Rules are the rules.
Dude, dude! Magician! Magician! Magic's not real, barry, so No! Midgmagician! Midget-cian! [ "rock-pocalypse" continues .]
[ laughing .]
Both: Midget! Midget! Midget! Midget! Faux joe: Oho-ho-ho! Wankers! Can you feel it? We just kicked your ear drums' arse! I didn't really feel anything, so, uh, sorry.
Yeah, I didn't really feel anything, either, big guy.
We just shagged the audience's brains With two albums' worth of new material, all original.
You know, we're not really up at rutherford's anymore, So I -- I'm not sure that it matters so much.
Maybe we should move on.
Like rachel moved on from you? 'cause I was covering for you last night When I had rachel cover meIn bed.
Just walk away.
Walk away.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
It's fine.
It's fine.
I just want to make sure that he didn't take advantage of her In any way, which I'm sure you didn't, right? Tommy, you got it all wrong.
She just needed someone to talk to.
You weren't around.
I could give you a brief update of our conversation.
It went something like this, right? She was like that, and I said, "rachel, that's nice.
I like that.
That's right.
Talk to me.
" And then she said, "oh, no, I like that, too.
" That's obnoxious.
Okay, thank you.
You don't fancy when people make lurid remarks About your fiancée? She's not my fiancée.
Well, then why was she wearing an engagement ring, then, Moron tommy? [ chuckles .]
Why was she doing that? She's engaged.
Not to me, but she's engaged, Which is why she would wear the ring.
Dude, you broke rule number 1.
Pretty stupid.
Yeah, man.
Never break up a wedding.
Mm.
Yeah, 'cause that, my friend, is a bad karma-clysm.
You are for sure cursed.
Cursed.
[ normal voice .]
I broke the rule.
Oh, damn it.
Damn it! Aah! Aah, aah.
I heard a pop.
Aah! Oh! Get me to an ambulance! [ motorcycle approaching .]
[ sebastian screaming .]
Help me, lady gaga! What is sebastian doing here? See? I knew the real emily had a real sebastian.
She does have a g.
F.
F.
Hold on a second.
Why -- why did you lie about him? Roxie: Go tell him.
Tell him how you kidnapped me from my boyfriend's party, Knocked me out, and can't ride a motorcycle?! No, go tell him how you became emily's ex-g.
F.
F.
! Go on.
Nice coat.
Thank you.
I thought the color really popped.
Emily plans more than weddings.
She manipulated peter Into falling in love with her -- no, that's not true.
Sebastian is just bitter because peter wasn't interested in him.
I'm angry because she made me pose as her fiancé To make him jealous And it worked.
And that's the frosting on the cake, girlfriend.
Emily broke her first rule of weddiquette.
The planner is never the centerpiece.
So you -- you ruined that man's wedding.
Look, I-I know you're probably upset that I lied -- Did you double-book this, also? Was this your doing? Ohh, well, you can't blame me For wanting to get back at roxie for firing me.
Well, of course I don't blame you, But this isn't how we do business, emily.
And that's the frosting on the cake, girlfriend.
You s-said that part.
I know.
I'm gonna want my sheets back.
Come on.
[ clears throat .]
you know, You always talk about us crossing the line, but kidnapping? I don't see any cops around here.
At least I wore gloves when I jumped sebastian.
Does that mean you're revoking our red cards? Wh-- uh Okay.
I'll be the bigger man.
What did you do to your neck? You know, pole dancing, I inverted a hurricane carol.
Never invert the hurricane.
I know.
I know.
Somebody couldn't live without us.
Actually, it has nothing to do with you.
You can thank sanjay.
You should read his horoscope sometime.
It's really insightful.
Thank you, we have time for one more song, So please join me in welcoming the horny groomsmen.
[ cheers and applause .]
Stevie, looks like we're not gonna reverse the curse.
I know.
We were so close, too.
All we needed was the eye patch.
The mini magician was cool.
Yes.
Come on.
Let's poke him in the eye.
Hey.
Rules are rules.
It'd at least be fun.
[ scoffs .]
[ "it's the end of the world as we know it" plays .]
that's great it starts with an earthquake birds and snakes, an aeroplane lenny bruce is not afraid eye of a hurricane listen to yourself churn, world serves its own needs don't misserve your own needs, feed it up a knock no, no speed, grunt, strength ladder structure clatter with the fear of height down height, wire in a fire representing seven games and a government for hire and a combat site left her, wasn't coming in a hurry down your neck with the furies breathing team by team reporters baffled, trump tethered crop, look at that low plane fine, then uh-oh, overflow, population, common group, but it'll do save yourself, serve yourself, world serves its own needs listen to your heart bleed tell me with the rapture and the reverent and the right right you vitriolic, patriotic slam, fight, bright light, feeling pretty psyched it's the end of the world as we know it it's the end of the world as we know it it's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine it's the end of the world as we know it it's the end of the world as we know it it's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine 5432 1 Eye patch! [ cheers and applause .]
Trifecta! [ cheers and applause .]
SoFaux joe? It was one night, tommy.
We had sex.
Stop, stop, stop! I don't know if I want details.
I do want details.
And I'm kidding.
He had two beers.
Uh-huh.
He passed out.
I finished the 12-pack and Decided to stay there instead of driving home.
That's it? That's it.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
Of all the lead singers, Why is he the one you would go to for anything? What was I supposed to do? You weren't around.
I bet that came out wrong.
No.
I'm not engaged anymore.
What do you mean, you're not engaged anymore? What happened? I figured out why I couldn't plan my wedding.
Tommy, tommy.
Last call, dude.
Last call.
No, no, hold on, hold on, hold on.
No, no, no, no.
Ingrid's got the new g.
F.
F.
Sebastian.
I got lots of free time.
We got to take advantage.
Let's do it.
Barry: Yes, it's the trifecta.
You can thank me and stevie.
Got another whole year of good luck.
Anything's possible.
All right! Anything.
Let's go do it.
Okay, okay.
Last call.
It was a good show.
I'm proud of us.
I think we did a good job.
We should have lit somebody on fire onstage.
Barry.