Weird Science s03e07 Episode Script
Hot Wheels
You make man? No.
Woman.
Woman.
THEME SONG: Weird science.
Pictures from a magazine.
Diagrams and charts.
Mending broken hearts and making weird science.
Something like a recipe.
Bits and pieces.
Bits and pieces, pieces, pieces.
My creation, is it real? It's my creation.
Oh, my creation.
It's my creation.
No heart of gold.
Just flesh and blood.
I do not know.
It's my creation.
Oh, my creation.
It's my creation.
From my heart and from my hand.
Why don't people understand? It's alive.
Alive! [GIGGLING.]
I don't know what I was thinking.
This guy was as dumb as toast.
We had nothing to talk about.
I'm not surprised he dumped me.
Come on, Mindy.
He was lucky you didn't dump him first.
Thanks, Wy.
You're a good friend.
I guess that's why we never went out.
What? Cause we're such good friends.
I guess.
We just don't think of each other that way.
Maybe we should start.
When? I'm either tied up in some steamy, purely physical relationship or your-- you know, hanging with that guy with the hair.
Gary.
Right.
You're not going out with anybody now.
OK.
Let's do it.
A real date.
Drive by Saturday at 7:00 and pick me up.
[BELL RINGING.]
Drive by? [MUSTARD SQUIRTING.]
But you don't have a car.
What's the problem? Just have daddy loan you the Mercedes.
It's off limits.
I'm not even allowed to sit in it.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN.]
OK.
Then ask Lisa to shazam you some wheels and me some lunch.
And have it morph into some three headed ostrich half way to school? No thanks.
Besides I want to work for it.
Are you kidding? You know how long you'd have to work at a job to get enough money to get a car? You must be thinking of a different kind of work.
Hey, dad.
You having a good day? Not too bad.
-Can I ask you a question? -Mm hm.
I know you've been kind of busy, so I just wanted to remind you, I'm in high school now.
Really? Thanks for the update.
My female peers are starting to see my lack of an automobile as a social black mark.
Isn't that right, Gar? Um-- yeah.
No wheels, no squeals, Mr.
D.
A car, huh? I think your mother and I could consider that.
Oh, I would take any car in this magazine.
Look at this.
Sweet! Looks like the one Randy Lavick's is cruising around in.
Yeah.
And you know who he's going out with? Dana Dupree.
No.
I'm telling you, it's the car.
You need a cool car.
Well, I'm definitely smelling a beamer in your future.
[RAYS FLASHING.]
Hey.
You get your new set of wheels yet? Not yet.
What's with the beach thing? Well, I'm taking off for a little while.
I need a vacation.
A vacation? Why? It's not like you have a job.
You're kidding me, right? So I suppose zapping in and out of your lives every 15 minutes to answer your every little need doesn't count, huh? Lisa, take us skiing.
Lisa, make us rock stars.
Lisa, blow my nose.
I work 24 hours a day, 8 days a week for you guys, and I'm getting a little stressed, OK? So just back off before I turn you both inside out.
So I was thinking Hawaii.
(TOGETHER) Hawaii's good.
I'm glad you understand.
I won't be far and I even got you a little present.
What's this? It's a beeper.
Just squeeze them, if you need me.
But only if you really need me, OK? -Sure.
-OK.
Thanks.
Have fun.
Bye.
[RAYS FLASHING.]
Dare you to squeeze them.
Have you ever been turned inside out? [HORN HONKING.]
Surprise.
She's all yours.
A Pinto? In some countries, this pup's considered a classic.
Dad, you gotta be kidding me.
Wyatt, look, I know you were hoping for something a bit more sporty.
And yes, I could have gotten you a BMW.
Pretty easily, in fact.
But your mother and I made that mistake with Chett.
Hm? We bought him the jeep he wanted and I'm afraid we spoiled him.
It's true.
I'm a mess.
Father, what have you done to me? A car is nothing more than transportation, Wyatt.
Most kids don't even have that.
So enjoy.
A Pinto? Now if you don't like this, there's always the lawnmower.
[SPUTTERING LIKE LAWNMOWER.]
It's not so bad.
It's kind of retro in a "Pulp Fiction," "Brady Bunch" sort of way.
More like "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
" Let's get a second opinion.
[BEEPING.]
[RAYS FLASHING.]
What? A Pinto? That's what your dad got you? What a joke.
I love it.
[RAYS FLASHING.]
Thanks for your help.
She was laughing with you.
No.
No, it is a joke.
Mindy's never going to go out with me in this piece of junk.
Imagine a date in this thing.
[HEAVY BREATHING.]
Old piece of junk.
Piece of junk.
[HORN HONKING.]
Whoa! Babe magnet! Oh my-- How's this? A little better? Whoa.
She goes 0 to 60 in one second, turns into a hovercraft on water, never needs gas, and is fully computerized.
So all you do is program where you want to go and it takes you there.
Oh, Gary, look! A cup holder! If you have any questions, ask the car.
I'm out of here.
[RAYS FLASHING.]
What'd she mean by ask the car? CAR: Ask the car.
Hello? CAR: I'm Nadine.
And I'm here to fulfill your every driving need.
Just squeeze into my bucket seats and press my pedal to the metal.
I'm in love.
CAR: Why don't we-- Oh! CAR: Take a little drive.
[WHEELS SCREECHING.]
Hey! [MUSIC PLAYING.]
I am your car, Wyatt.
Alive and in tune with your every driving desire.
I am one with you.
Man and machine.
Fused at the heart.
Thundering down your diamond lane of love.
[MUSIC - QUEEN, "I'M IN LOVE WITH MY CAR.]
Oh, Nadine.
Mm.
That was incredible.
CAR: I loved you the minute your jeans sat across my bucket seat.
What is it about you? You're so different from other girls.
CAR: Maybe it's that I can turn out 575 foot pounds of torque.
Or that I've got wipers on my headlights.
No.
No, it's deeper.
Mm.
You understand me.
You're part of me.
It's like we're joined together.
CAR: I feel the same way, baby.
Come on.
I'm going to get you waxed and buffed.
[ENGINE REVVING.]
[HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYING.]
Mm.
Thank you, Les.
I'm surprised.
It's been a whole day and they haven't paged me once.
They can hardly make it through an hour without some kind of magic.
They could have called just to say hi.
I'm not gone forever.
You having a good time, Wyatt? You seem a little distracted.
No.
No, this is great.
Ouch! -What is it? -Something just jabbed me.
Yeah.
It's probably some kind of short circuit.
These new cars.
Hey, I got some CDs in the trunk.
Maybe you could find some, you know, date music? Sure.
That'd be good.
CAR: Sure.
That'd be good.
Look at me.
I'm so pretty.
Why are you acting like this? CAR: You said you were going to blow her off.
I never said that.
Look, Mindy and I are old friends.
That's all.
CAR: Oh, come on.
She wants you.
The way she laughs at everything you say.
All that crap about her family.
You have to choose, Wyatt.
I don't want to be just your car.
I feel the same way, but-- Dump the flesh bag.
[TRUNK SLAMMING.]
MINDY: Ow! Anything for you.
You ought to get that trunk checked out.
I swear, it almost closed on my fingers.
Yeah.
You know, Mindy, I don't think this is working.
Whoa, what did I miss? Truth is, I met someone else.
[RADIO PLAYING.]
I hate this car.
What? Look, we were both so psyched about trying this date thing and now you've met someone.
That's cool.
And it's not like we're madly in love with each other.
[COUGHING.]
I got to get out of here.
I can't breath.
Nadine, open the door! -Is she here? -All right.
Nadine, stop it now! I did what you wanted.
I told her the true.
Nadine! Wyatt? Come on, don't be mad.
Talk to me.
You gotta know how I feel about you by now.
You're the only car for me, import or domestic.
Wyatt? [KISSING.]
Whoa.
I know some guys really get off on their cars, but this is sick.
I'm out of here.
Mindy! CAR: Let her go.
He kissed the car? -Right on the steering wheel.
-What did he say? You're the only car for me.
Import or domestic? Exactly.
This is not good.
Something should be done.
You're not saying-- I think you know what I'm saying.
Let's do it.
[HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYING.]
Like I can't relax.
I am relaxed.
Do I seem tense to you, Les? Mm.
That feels fantastic.
OK.
So maybe I am a little bit wound up.
I mean, why shouldn't I be? I work hard for those guys.
I mean, I'm only a super computer, magic genie.
I do have limits.
Even Mr.
Roarke needed to take a day off every now and again.
And he had Tattoo to do his dirty work.
Mm.
You're very good, Les.
I was thinking maybe we can go back to your garage and I could steam clean your engine.
CAR: Mm.
I'd like that, Wyatt.
Look at the two of them.
All cute and cuddly.
Makes you sick.
It's not right, a guy dating his car.
They have nothing in common.
We have more in common than they do.
And we hardly know each other.
I'm sorry.
Me, too.
This isn't right.
I wanted you the second we met.
I felt the same way.
Will you go out with me? I can't.
Wyatt's my best friend.
Well, he's my friend, too.
And that's it.
Besides, he's found someone else, remember? OK.
But let's take care of the car first.
Do you have plan? We'll push that bitch over the cliff and watch her explode into a million burning pieces straight into hell! Then we can go for burgers.
You frighten me.
I like that.
Gary? CAR: I thought I told you to stay clear.
Put it in park, Nadine.
This won't take long.
Wyatt, you have to break up.
I can't.
I don't want to.
Nadine's special.
She's not like other girls.
Of course, she's not.
She's a car.
You're going out with an automobile.
What are doing? Ow! CAR: Let him go.
I'm sorry, I got to do this, buddy.
But it's for your own good.
Oh! That wasn't so hard.
Take him home.
I'll take care of her.
Good luck.
CAR: You're going to pay for this, Wallace.
I don't think so, you mutant Buick.
Say goodbye to asphalt.
[AIRBAG INFLATING.]
[GROANING.]
CAR: Now what were you saying? [BEEPING.]
Lisa! Help! [PAGER BUZZING.]
Lisa! Help! [BEEPING.]
[BUZZING.]
CAR: No one can hear you, Gary.
It's just me and you now.
You thought you could split me and Wyatt apart? Thought you could drive me over the edge? All because you think Wyatt dating a car is somehow wrong? Well, you're right.
It is wrong.
The whole thing's a charade.
Wyatt and I don't belong together.
It's you I really love.
Come again? CAR: All this anger between us, it's passion, Gary.
Passion by any other name.
[RADIO PLAYING.]
Hey, is that Barry White? I love Barry White.
CAR: We were meant to be together.
Huh? You tried to kill me.
You're going out with my best friend and you're a talking car.
No offense, but you're not really grade A babe-age.
CAR: Open your mind, Gary.
Race my engine.
No.
CAR: Feel my plush and supple interior.
No.
CAR: Smell that new car smell.
[SNIFFING.]
Oh.
CAR: Why don't we take a little drive? [ENGINE REVVING.]
[MUSIC, QUEEN, "I'M IN LOVE WITH MY CAR".]
I'm your car, Gary.
Alive and in tune with your every driving desire.
I am one with you.
Man and machine.
Fused at the heart.
Oh, mama.
CAR: Thundering down the diamond lane of love.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
How are you feeling? Uh-- better.
Thanks.
I'm glad you guys showed up when you did.
Every time I got behind that wheel, something happened.
I forgot who I was.
Wyatt, there's something you should know.
Gary and I are dating.
What? Well, you'd moved on.
And it just kind of happened.
We couldn't stop it.
It's OK.
Hi, guys.
Oh, Gary! Thank god, you're alive! Yup.
I am.
And the whole Nadine thing has been taken care of.
Well, I told Wyatt everything about how our love is bigger than both of us.
Yeah.
Well it's not big enough.
What do you mean? I'm seeing Nadine now.
(TOGETHER) What? I thought you were sending her to the scrap heap? I was, but then she revved up to 280 horses of love.
And I buckled up.
I'm going to be sick.
Nadine could never love you.
She loves me! Sorry, Wy.
You've been traded in.
She's in my fast lane now.
Oh, man.
Dumped by a car.
Stop this.
Do you hear yourselves? You cannot have a car for a girlfriend.
A car can't cuddle, or go dancing, or hold you when you're sad.
Yeah.
Well, you can't do doughnuts in a parking lot or do a quarter mile in under six seconds.
And you're wrong about the cuddling.
You're all freaks! I'm out of here! Sorry, man, but the vehicle made her choice.
But hey, if you ever need a ride, you got it! This isn't over.
Whoa.
What is this? Wyatt traded in the Pinto? Nah.
No way could he afford this.
He must have blown his trust fund on this baby.
Oh.
[CAR BEEPING.]
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Definitely sweet.
CAR: Mm.
Hello, Chett.
Nadine.
I miss you so much.
Wyatt? What do you want? I need Nadine's owner's manual.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, come on.
I know you have it.
I got to change her oil and I can't find her dipstick.
Ha! I found it my first time.
It was natural and loving.
I didn't need any books or manuals to figure it out.
Shut up.
[RAYS FLASHING.]
Hey, I'm back.
And look.
I brought you guys all kinds of presents.
My magic genie went to Hawaii and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
(TOGETHER) Thanks.
So what's up? Gary's just being a butt wad-- Wyatt won't let me borrow the-- I'm serious! You don't know what you're talking about.
You don't know anything about cars anyway! You don't know anything about cars! [SPEAKING IN HIGH SPEED.]
(TOGETHER) And that's why he's wrong and I'm right.
I can solve this for you.
The three of you have to sit down and talk it through.
You can't both have Nadine.
CAR: OK.
We're here.
Now what's the big secret? We have a problem.
We both want to go out with you.
So you have to choose.
CAR: I'm going out with Gary now.
Had our chance, Wyatt.
There.
It's settled.
Uh-- can we give you a lift somewhere? No.
Wait.
Nadine, you can't just toss me off like that.
Not after everything we've shared.
I've seen under your hood.
Well, I don't know.
Gary's is in the driver's seat now.
So that's it? Whoever's behind your wheel gets to go out with you? No.
It's not like that at all.
Oh, really? Gary, switch seats with me.
What's this going to prove? Nadine's into to me.
CAR: How could I have been so stupid? Wyatt's the only man for me.
Oh, kiss me, Gary.
You're right.
She just wants whoever's driving.
We thought we meant something to you.
CAR: You do.
Maybe you guys can take turns.
Oh, that's sick.
I've heard enough.
End of the road, Nadine.
We're selling you for parts.
CAR: Yeah? Well, you both shift like sissies.
At least we don't leave stains in the driveway.
CAR: Do you think you can just walk away like I'm some kind of a cheap, domestic rental? I won't be ignored! I've got the power.
I've got the control.
I've got the keys.
-You OK? -Yeah.
You? Yeah.
We got to make a pact.
We can't let another girl ever come between us.
I don't care what she's packing under the hood, it's not worth it.
Deal.
Little bro, we need to talk.
Chett, what are you doing here? I, uh-- I was just driving around.
And, uh-- hey, you know.
Want to sell your car? Sell it? You can have it.
If the price is right.
You couldn't afford it.
Trade you my jeep.
And? And I'll give you back everything I ever stole from you.
Your VCR, stereo, and that Snoopy watch you lost when you were eight.
You have that.
Well, duh.
I don't know.
You don't understand.
I have to have her.
I mean it.
Look, it's personal, OK? I can't explain.
Well, if she means that much to you.
She does, she does, she does.
Grazie, paisano.
Mm.
Oh.
It's me, my sweet.
I'm back for you.
We can be together now.
[ENGINE REVVING.]
What are you staring at? Nadine.
Mm.
I know this may seem a little sudden.
But I want you to move in with me.
I love you.
[ROOF RAISING.]
CAR: (MONSTER VOICE) I love you, too, baby.
[SCREAMING.]
CHETT DONNELLY: You're not Nadine! Let me out! THEME SONG: Weird science.
Fantasy and microchips.
Shooting from the hip.
Something different.
We're making weird science.
Pictures from a magazine.
Bits and pieces.
Bits and pieces, pieces, pieces.
My creation, is it real? It's my creation.
I do not know.
It's my creation.
From my heart and from my hand.
Why don't people understand my intentions?
Woman.
Woman.
THEME SONG: Weird science.
Pictures from a magazine.
Diagrams and charts.
Mending broken hearts and making weird science.
Something like a recipe.
Bits and pieces.
Bits and pieces, pieces, pieces.
My creation, is it real? It's my creation.
Oh, my creation.
It's my creation.
No heart of gold.
Just flesh and blood.
I do not know.
It's my creation.
Oh, my creation.
It's my creation.
From my heart and from my hand.
Why don't people understand? It's alive.
Alive! [GIGGLING.]
I don't know what I was thinking.
This guy was as dumb as toast.
We had nothing to talk about.
I'm not surprised he dumped me.
Come on, Mindy.
He was lucky you didn't dump him first.
Thanks, Wy.
You're a good friend.
I guess that's why we never went out.
What? Cause we're such good friends.
I guess.
We just don't think of each other that way.
Maybe we should start.
When? I'm either tied up in some steamy, purely physical relationship or your-- you know, hanging with that guy with the hair.
Gary.
Right.
You're not going out with anybody now.
OK.
Let's do it.
A real date.
Drive by Saturday at 7:00 and pick me up.
[BELL RINGING.]
Drive by? [MUSTARD SQUIRTING.]
But you don't have a car.
What's the problem? Just have daddy loan you the Mercedes.
It's off limits.
I'm not even allowed to sit in it.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN.]
OK.
Then ask Lisa to shazam you some wheels and me some lunch.
And have it morph into some three headed ostrich half way to school? No thanks.
Besides I want to work for it.
Are you kidding? You know how long you'd have to work at a job to get enough money to get a car? You must be thinking of a different kind of work.
Hey, dad.
You having a good day? Not too bad.
-Can I ask you a question? -Mm hm.
I know you've been kind of busy, so I just wanted to remind you, I'm in high school now.
Really? Thanks for the update.
My female peers are starting to see my lack of an automobile as a social black mark.
Isn't that right, Gar? Um-- yeah.
No wheels, no squeals, Mr.
D.
A car, huh? I think your mother and I could consider that.
Oh, I would take any car in this magazine.
Look at this.
Sweet! Looks like the one Randy Lavick's is cruising around in.
Yeah.
And you know who he's going out with? Dana Dupree.
No.
I'm telling you, it's the car.
You need a cool car.
Well, I'm definitely smelling a beamer in your future.
[RAYS FLASHING.]
Hey.
You get your new set of wheels yet? Not yet.
What's with the beach thing? Well, I'm taking off for a little while.
I need a vacation.
A vacation? Why? It's not like you have a job.
You're kidding me, right? So I suppose zapping in and out of your lives every 15 minutes to answer your every little need doesn't count, huh? Lisa, take us skiing.
Lisa, make us rock stars.
Lisa, blow my nose.
I work 24 hours a day, 8 days a week for you guys, and I'm getting a little stressed, OK? So just back off before I turn you both inside out.
So I was thinking Hawaii.
(TOGETHER) Hawaii's good.
I'm glad you understand.
I won't be far and I even got you a little present.
What's this? It's a beeper.
Just squeeze them, if you need me.
But only if you really need me, OK? -Sure.
-OK.
Thanks.
Have fun.
Bye.
[RAYS FLASHING.]
Dare you to squeeze them.
Have you ever been turned inside out? [HORN HONKING.]
Surprise.
She's all yours.
A Pinto? In some countries, this pup's considered a classic.
Dad, you gotta be kidding me.
Wyatt, look, I know you were hoping for something a bit more sporty.
And yes, I could have gotten you a BMW.
Pretty easily, in fact.
But your mother and I made that mistake with Chett.
Hm? We bought him the jeep he wanted and I'm afraid we spoiled him.
It's true.
I'm a mess.
Father, what have you done to me? A car is nothing more than transportation, Wyatt.
Most kids don't even have that.
So enjoy.
A Pinto? Now if you don't like this, there's always the lawnmower.
[SPUTTERING LIKE LAWNMOWER.]
It's not so bad.
It's kind of retro in a "Pulp Fiction," "Brady Bunch" sort of way.
More like "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
" Let's get a second opinion.
[BEEPING.]
[RAYS FLASHING.]
What? A Pinto? That's what your dad got you? What a joke.
I love it.
[RAYS FLASHING.]
Thanks for your help.
She was laughing with you.
No.
No, it is a joke.
Mindy's never going to go out with me in this piece of junk.
Imagine a date in this thing.
[HEAVY BREATHING.]
Old piece of junk.
Piece of junk.
[HORN HONKING.]
Whoa! Babe magnet! Oh my-- How's this? A little better? Whoa.
She goes 0 to 60 in one second, turns into a hovercraft on water, never needs gas, and is fully computerized.
So all you do is program where you want to go and it takes you there.
Oh, Gary, look! A cup holder! If you have any questions, ask the car.
I'm out of here.
[RAYS FLASHING.]
What'd she mean by ask the car? CAR: Ask the car.
Hello? CAR: I'm Nadine.
And I'm here to fulfill your every driving need.
Just squeeze into my bucket seats and press my pedal to the metal.
I'm in love.
CAR: Why don't we-- Oh! CAR: Take a little drive.
[WHEELS SCREECHING.]
Hey! [MUSIC PLAYING.]
I am your car, Wyatt.
Alive and in tune with your every driving desire.
I am one with you.
Man and machine.
Fused at the heart.
Thundering down your diamond lane of love.
[MUSIC - QUEEN, "I'M IN LOVE WITH MY CAR.]
Oh, Nadine.
Mm.
That was incredible.
CAR: I loved you the minute your jeans sat across my bucket seat.
What is it about you? You're so different from other girls.
CAR: Maybe it's that I can turn out 575 foot pounds of torque.
Or that I've got wipers on my headlights.
No.
No, it's deeper.
Mm.
You understand me.
You're part of me.
It's like we're joined together.
CAR: I feel the same way, baby.
Come on.
I'm going to get you waxed and buffed.
[ENGINE REVVING.]
[HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYING.]
Mm.
Thank you, Les.
I'm surprised.
It's been a whole day and they haven't paged me once.
They can hardly make it through an hour without some kind of magic.
They could have called just to say hi.
I'm not gone forever.
You having a good time, Wyatt? You seem a little distracted.
No.
No, this is great.
Ouch! -What is it? -Something just jabbed me.
Yeah.
It's probably some kind of short circuit.
These new cars.
Hey, I got some CDs in the trunk.
Maybe you could find some, you know, date music? Sure.
That'd be good.
CAR: Sure.
That'd be good.
Look at me.
I'm so pretty.
Why are you acting like this? CAR: You said you were going to blow her off.
I never said that.
Look, Mindy and I are old friends.
That's all.
CAR: Oh, come on.
She wants you.
The way she laughs at everything you say.
All that crap about her family.
You have to choose, Wyatt.
I don't want to be just your car.
I feel the same way, but-- Dump the flesh bag.
[TRUNK SLAMMING.]
MINDY: Ow! Anything for you.
You ought to get that trunk checked out.
I swear, it almost closed on my fingers.
Yeah.
You know, Mindy, I don't think this is working.
Whoa, what did I miss? Truth is, I met someone else.
[RADIO PLAYING.]
I hate this car.
What? Look, we were both so psyched about trying this date thing and now you've met someone.
That's cool.
And it's not like we're madly in love with each other.
[COUGHING.]
I got to get out of here.
I can't breath.
Nadine, open the door! -Is she here? -All right.
Nadine, stop it now! I did what you wanted.
I told her the true.
Nadine! Wyatt? Come on, don't be mad.
Talk to me.
You gotta know how I feel about you by now.
You're the only car for me, import or domestic.
Wyatt? [KISSING.]
Whoa.
I know some guys really get off on their cars, but this is sick.
I'm out of here.
Mindy! CAR: Let her go.
He kissed the car? -Right on the steering wheel.
-What did he say? You're the only car for me.
Import or domestic? Exactly.
This is not good.
Something should be done.
You're not saying-- I think you know what I'm saying.
Let's do it.
[HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYING.]
Like I can't relax.
I am relaxed.
Do I seem tense to you, Les? Mm.
That feels fantastic.
OK.
So maybe I am a little bit wound up.
I mean, why shouldn't I be? I work hard for those guys.
I mean, I'm only a super computer, magic genie.
I do have limits.
Even Mr.
Roarke needed to take a day off every now and again.
And he had Tattoo to do his dirty work.
Mm.
You're very good, Les.
I was thinking maybe we can go back to your garage and I could steam clean your engine.
CAR: Mm.
I'd like that, Wyatt.
Look at the two of them.
All cute and cuddly.
Makes you sick.
It's not right, a guy dating his car.
They have nothing in common.
We have more in common than they do.
And we hardly know each other.
I'm sorry.
Me, too.
This isn't right.
I wanted you the second we met.
I felt the same way.
Will you go out with me? I can't.
Wyatt's my best friend.
Well, he's my friend, too.
And that's it.
Besides, he's found someone else, remember? OK.
But let's take care of the car first.
Do you have plan? We'll push that bitch over the cliff and watch her explode into a million burning pieces straight into hell! Then we can go for burgers.
You frighten me.
I like that.
Gary? CAR: I thought I told you to stay clear.
Put it in park, Nadine.
This won't take long.
Wyatt, you have to break up.
I can't.
I don't want to.
Nadine's special.
She's not like other girls.
Of course, she's not.
She's a car.
You're going out with an automobile.
What are doing? Ow! CAR: Let him go.
I'm sorry, I got to do this, buddy.
But it's for your own good.
Oh! That wasn't so hard.
Take him home.
I'll take care of her.
Good luck.
CAR: You're going to pay for this, Wallace.
I don't think so, you mutant Buick.
Say goodbye to asphalt.
[AIRBAG INFLATING.]
[GROANING.]
CAR: Now what were you saying? [BEEPING.]
Lisa! Help! [PAGER BUZZING.]
Lisa! Help! [BEEPING.]
[BUZZING.]
CAR: No one can hear you, Gary.
It's just me and you now.
You thought you could split me and Wyatt apart? Thought you could drive me over the edge? All because you think Wyatt dating a car is somehow wrong? Well, you're right.
It is wrong.
The whole thing's a charade.
Wyatt and I don't belong together.
It's you I really love.
Come again? CAR: All this anger between us, it's passion, Gary.
Passion by any other name.
[RADIO PLAYING.]
Hey, is that Barry White? I love Barry White.
CAR: We were meant to be together.
Huh? You tried to kill me.
You're going out with my best friend and you're a talking car.
No offense, but you're not really grade A babe-age.
CAR: Open your mind, Gary.
Race my engine.
No.
CAR: Feel my plush and supple interior.
No.
CAR: Smell that new car smell.
[SNIFFING.]
Oh.
CAR: Why don't we take a little drive? [ENGINE REVVING.]
[MUSIC, QUEEN, "I'M IN LOVE WITH MY CAR".]
I'm your car, Gary.
Alive and in tune with your every driving desire.
I am one with you.
Man and machine.
Fused at the heart.
Oh, mama.
CAR: Thundering down the diamond lane of love.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
How are you feeling? Uh-- better.
Thanks.
I'm glad you guys showed up when you did.
Every time I got behind that wheel, something happened.
I forgot who I was.
Wyatt, there's something you should know.
Gary and I are dating.
What? Well, you'd moved on.
And it just kind of happened.
We couldn't stop it.
It's OK.
Hi, guys.
Oh, Gary! Thank god, you're alive! Yup.
I am.
And the whole Nadine thing has been taken care of.
Well, I told Wyatt everything about how our love is bigger than both of us.
Yeah.
Well it's not big enough.
What do you mean? I'm seeing Nadine now.
(TOGETHER) What? I thought you were sending her to the scrap heap? I was, but then she revved up to 280 horses of love.
And I buckled up.
I'm going to be sick.
Nadine could never love you.
She loves me! Sorry, Wy.
You've been traded in.
She's in my fast lane now.
Oh, man.
Dumped by a car.
Stop this.
Do you hear yourselves? You cannot have a car for a girlfriend.
A car can't cuddle, or go dancing, or hold you when you're sad.
Yeah.
Well, you can't do doughnuts in a parking lot or do a quarter mile in under six seconds.
And you're wrong about the cuddling.
You're all freaks! I'm out of here! Sorry, man, but the vehicle made her choice.
But hey, if you ever need a ride, you got it! This isn't over.
Whoa.
What is this? Wyatt traded in the Pinto? Nah.
No way could he afford this.
He must have blown his trust fund on this baby.
Oh.
[CAR BEEPING.]
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Definitely sweet.
CAR: Mm.
Hello, Chett.
Nadine.
I miss you so much.
Wyatt? What do you want? I need Nadine's owner's manual.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, come on.
I know you have it.
I got to change her oil and I can't find her dipstick.
Ha! I found it my first time.
It was natural and loving.
I didn't need any books or manuals to figure it out.
Shut up.
[RAYS FLASHING.]
Hey, I'm back.
And look.
I brought you guys all kinds of presents.
My magic genie went to Hawaii and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
(TOGETHER) Thanks.
So what's up? Gary's just being a butt wad-- Wyatt won't let me borrow the-- I'm serious! You don't know what you're talking about.
You don't know anything about cars anyway! You don't know anything about cars! [SPEAKING IN HIGH SPEED.]
(TOGETHER) And that's why he's wrong and I'm right.
I can solve this for you.
The three of you have to sit down and talk it through.
You can't both have Nadine.
CAR: OK.
We're here.
Now what's the big secret? We have a problem.
We both want to go out with you.
So you have to choose.
CAR: I'm going out with Gary now.
Had our chance, Wyatt.
There.
It's settled.
Uh-- can we give you a lift somewhere? No.
Wait.
Nadine, you can't just toss me off like that.
Not after everything we've shared.
I've seen under your hood.
Well, I don't know.
Gary's is in the driver's seat now.
So that's it? Whoever's behind your wheel gets to go out with you? No.
It's not like that at all.
Oh, really? Gary, switch seats with me.
What's this going to prove? Nadine's into to me.
CAR: How could I have been so stupid? Wyatt's the only man for me.
Oh, kiss me, Gary.
You're right.
She just wants whoever's driving.
We thought we meant something to you.
CAR: You do.
Maybe you guys can take turns.
Oh, that's sick.
I've heard enough.
End of the road, Nadine.
We're selling you for parts.
CAR: Yeah? Well, you both shift like sissies.
At least we don't leave stains in the driveway.
CAR: Do you think you can just walk away like I'm some kind of a cheap, domestic rental? I won't be ignored! I've got the power.
I've got the control.
I've got the keys.
-You OK? -Yeah.
You? Yeah.
We got to make a pact.
We can't let another girl ever come between us.
I don't care what she's packing under the hood, it's not worth it.
Deal.
Little bro, we need to talk.
Chett, what are you doing here? I, uh-- I was just driving around.
And, uh-- hey, you know.
Want to sell your car? Sell it? You can have it.
If the price is right.
You couldn't afford it.
Trade you my jeep.
And? And I'll give you back everything I ever stole from you.
Your VCR, stereo, and that Snoopy watch you lost when you were eight.
You have that.
Well, duh.
I don't know.
You don't understand.
I have to have her.
I mean it.
Look, it's personal, OK? I can't explain.
Well, if she means that much to you.
She does, she does, she does.
Grazie, paisano.
Mm.
Oh.
It's me, my sweet.
I'm back for you.
We can be together now.
[ENGINE REVVING.]
What are you staring at? Nadine.
Mm.
I know this may seem a little sudden.
But I want you to move in with me.
I love you.
[ROOF RAISING.]
CAR: (MONSTER VOICE) I love you, too, baby.
[SCREAMING.]
CHETT DONNELLY: You're not Nadine! Let me out! THEME SONG: Weird science.
Fantasy and microchips.
Shooting from the hip.
Something different.
We're making weird science.
Pictures from a magazine.
Bits and pieces.
Bits and pieces, pieces, pieces.
My creation, is it real? It's my creation.
I do not know.
It's my creation.
From my heart and from my hand.
Why don't people understand my intentions?