Weird Science s03e10 Episode Script

You make man.
No.
Woman.
Woman.
THEME SONG: Weird science.
Pictures from a magazine.
Diagrams and charts.
Mending broken hearts and making weird science.
Something like a recipe.
Bits and pieces.
Bits and pieces, pieces, pieces.
My creation.
Is it real? It's my creation.
Oh, my creation.
It's my creation.
No heart of gold.
Just flesh and blood.
I do not know.
It's my creation.
Oh, my creation.
It's my creation.
From my heart and from my hands.
Why don't people understand? It's alive.
Alive! ANNOUNCER: You're on another time and place to a wondrous land where fantasy and reality intertwine, where the past and future spill into the present.
And the present is a dark and endless highway.
There's the off ramp just ahead.
You've exited into, "The Sci-Fi Zone.
" Check it out, Lis.
Back to back and commercial free.
You guys really get off on this show, don't you? It's how we became friends.
It is? Yup.
Third grade, second recess.
I overheard Wyatt yanking about his favorite "Sci-Fi Zone" episode.
"The Brain Sucking Space Ticks.
" Turns out it was Gary's favorite episode, too.
I Introduced myself.
We talked ticks for days.
Been best friends ever since.
And we never miss a zone-a-thon, right, buddy? Right, buddy.
[LOCKER SLAMMING.]
You are scum.
Psycho loser.
Hi, guys.
Uh, oh.
What happened? We just got out of dodge ball.
Gary deliberately threw the ball at me really hard.
Oh, come on.
I don't believe that for a second.
Thanks, Lis.
We both know Gary throws like a girl.
He used me, just cause he wanted to look studly in front of Kim Lucking.
OK.
I admit it.
Kim was looking.
I had the ball.
I needed the perfect victim.
WYATT DONNELLY: I never saw it coming.
Did it hurt? Look! Why would you do something like that? Hey, he owed me.
You didn't see what happened earlier in class.
I was bending over to tie my shoes and Wyatt tells Kim to check out my VBC.
LISA: VBC? WYATT DONNELLY: Visible butt crack.
Yeah, you laugh, but now Kim thinks I'm some sort of flat bottom freak.
This makes us even.
Even is good.
Even means that you two can be friends again.
Wrong.
It means we're ex-friends.
Fine by me, welt boy.
Flat bottom.
You're not getting away from each other that easily.
I was going to geometry.
I was going to French class.
What the-- We've been genied.
This time, you stay.
If Lisa shows up, tell her she's fired.
Two boys in search of an exit.
Not sure where they are, or why they're here.
Their distrust of each other will be only one of the many obstacles they will have to overcome here, in "The Sci-Fi Zone.
" Don't panic, but there's a whole in space where the Coke machine used to be.
Everything is black and white.
I'm talking major dog vision here.
It's the zone, Gary.
Huh? "The Sci-Fi Zone.
" Are nut ball genie's up to no good.
(TOGETHER) Lisa! [RAYS FLASHING.]
Gosh.
What happened? Everything's in black and white.
Talk about spooky.
Talk about lame.
Game's over, Lis.
We want out.
I bet you do.
Two boys in search of an exit.
Wait! What's that strange noise? [GRUMBLING.]
Look, we're in a zoo! A human zoo.
They staring at us like we're animals, only we're human.
Pretty ironic, huh? Look, we don't want to play, OK? We just want to get away from each other.
Period.
I can't believe you're going to throw away years of friendship over a welt and a crack.
Years of friendship? If I had a nickel for every welt you gave me-- Yeah.
Well, if I had a nickel for every time you tried to make me look like an idiot, I'd put it in a socket and hit you with it.
And that would leave a welt.
Cha-ching for Wyatt.
Look, "The Zone" made you friends once.
I think "The Zone" can make you friends again.
I think it's time to pull the plug on your little psychology experiment.
Fine.
You want out? Just walk through this door.
That's all I needed to hear.
[SCREAMING.]
Together.
You should have let me finish.
[GROANING.]
My spine.
Nice free fall.
Bite me.
Ready? After you.
Don't you wish.
[SCREAMING.]
Gary? [INTERPOSING VOICES.]
Look.
[GROWLING.]
[OINKING.]
Sorry.
Oh, you poor thing.
You're hideous! Well, she's got a point.
Looks like everyone's here, but the mind reader from episode 23.
Check out the grade A babe-age.
Oh! All present and accounted for.
You think we're stuck here all day? It would seem the answer is yes.
Ah, the evil fortune telling machine from episode 106.
I got a question for you.
Why is Gary such a phlegm wad? Genetics.
Your ex friend comes from a long line of heavy mucus producers.
It doesn't say that.
Son of a gun.
OK.
It's my turn.
Why is Wyatt such a doily boy? Your ex-friends acute, anal personality is the result of an unfortunate doily incident he suffered as a child.
Wow.
I never knew.
Doily incident? That's ridiculous.
I never had a doily incident.
You know, I can't believe I ever picked you as a friend.
Oh, you didn't.
I picked you, remember? And it was a pity pick, too.
-You were the pity pick.
-No, no, no.
You were the pity pick.
-You were the pity pick.
-Pity pick.
-Pity pick.
Pity pick! Pity pick! Oh! Oh! Where are we? Some kind of bomb shelter.
But why? [BOMB DROPPING.]
Who knows? Every other "Zone" episode took place in a bomb shelter.
What do we have here? Magazines.
Not just magazines.
Playboy, Penthouse, Easy Rider.
Strap on your reading glasses, Wy.
We've hit the soft porn mother load! [BOMB DROPPING.]
No! Oh, so close.
I can't believe you fell for that one.
First time in the zone? Never heard of irony.
Shut up.
VOICE: Help me! Help me! What? Huh? Hi, I'm Talking Tammy and I'm going to kill you.
Talking Tammy.
Episode 48.
I'm going to kill you.
And after you're dead, I'll do a rumba on your shallow graves.
What are you doing? You can't do this! I'm Talking Tammy.
I'm going to kill you! [CRASHING.]
Nice boot.
Credit the hold.
This Principal Scampi.
Gary Wallace and Wyatt Donnelly, please report to my office immediately.
Sounds like trouble.
Boned in the zone.
[INTERPOSING VOICES.]
I like to think of Farber High as a very lovely lady.
My lady, your lady, a big, fat, community lady offering life experiences that you two just aren't taking advantage of.
You want us to take advantage of a lady? No.
Of course not, silly boy.
What I'm trying to say is, I think you should sign up for some extracurricular activities.
(TOGETHER) Oh.
The cheerleading squad needs a few, good men for hoisting and catching duty, the occasional human sacrifice, that sort of thing.
Human sacrifice? Pyramid.
I meant human pyramid.
Ouch! What was I thinking? So you ready to sign up for the squad? That looks like a contract.
It does, doesn't it? It's just a formality.
Don't bother trying to read the fine print, it's in Latin.
How about we just give you our word? Oh, but a signature is so much more irreversible.
And if we don't sign up? (IN DEMONIC VOICE) Let's not go to that place.
Hike me over a pen.
I'm your man.
There you go, big guy.
What kind of moron are you? He's the devil.
Now I am the proud owner of one, human soul.
Come with me, Wyatt Donnelly.
You signed my name? First time in "The Zone"? Never heard of irony.
Oh, this is so you.
Well, two can play that game.
I'll see you in hell.
-Whoa! Whoa! Slow down! What do you know? A two-for! [LIGHTNING STRIKING.]
(SINGING) Beelzebub don't play fair, he hates kids with poofy hair! With a knick, knack, paddy whack, see you both in hell, the soul is a bonehead thing to sell! Hello.
Lisa! You two having fun? They won't be having a hell of a lot of fun where they're going.
Get it? Hell.
They're not going anywhere.
Oh? And who's going to stop me? You and the Bolshoi Ballet? Hardly.
[HONKING.]
This is what you bring forth to battle the Prince of Darkness? No.
That is.
Oh, wow! [SCREAMING.]
Did not see that coming.
[CHILD GIGGLING.]
Turns out we're all dolls in a child's doll house.
Look, if you're going to be mad, be mad at me.
I got you into this.
Lisa's right.
Why should I be mad at Gary? It's not like he tried to sell my soul to Satan or anything.
OK.
Maybe "The Zone" thing wasn't such a good idea.
But the spell was only for a day and the day ends at midnight.
Six, five, four, three, two-- MACHINE: One.
Impact imminent.
[SCREAMING.]
[ALARM BLAZING.]
Stupid suit! Who makes a spacesuit without a gripper zipper? Got to take a fuel leak, huh? Should have thought of that before lift off.
I'm hot, OK? Aren't you hot? No.
I feel like a baked potato.
[RAYS FLASHING.]
Wow.
You look really goofy.
Aren't you guys hot in there? What's going on? I thought this stupid wish was supposed to end.
You said one day.
I guess I sort of forgot something.
In "The Zone," time has no meaning.
A day could last a lifetime.
I'm sorry I got you guys into this.
I was trying to get you to be friends again.
I'm a regular chowder head.
It's OK, Lis.
You meant well.
Just get us out of here.
I'm a regular chowder head.
Yeah, yeah.
We know.
I'm a regular chowder head.
Hm? I'm a regular chowder head.
[STATIC FLASHING.]
She's a hologram! A what? I'm a regular chowder head.
[STATIC FLASHING.]
It's not Lisa.
She's not real.
Oh, man.
We're dead! No food, no water, and no Lisa! I'm a regular chowder head.
What are you talking about? We're survivors.
We just have to put our differences behind us, work together as friends again.
Apart, we're weak.
But united, we're unstoppable.
I say we split up.
I hear that.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
No! You bastards! You went and did it! No! No! Heads up! [CRASHING.]
What are you doing? I was just trying to get it open.
Be right down.
Save me a Snickers.
Sing to me, candy man.
Oh, a Baby Ruthie! Hi, I'm Baby Ruthie.
Go ahead, take a bite.
But if you do, I promise you will choke on me.
Eat me! Eat me! Oh! This isn't fair.
Where are all the Snickers bars and the Corn Nuts? It's OK, Gar.
We'll find another vending machine.
Where? There's nothing here, but wasteland.
Wasteland! Do you hear me? Wasteland! Oh! Ow.
What'd you do that for? Who needs a reasoning? Where are you going? To try and fix the ship.
It may be our only way out of here.
It's fake.
The whole ship is fake! Gee, could this be-- boing!-- another ironic twist? This thing looks like we ordered it out of a comic book.
But it seemed real enough when it brought us here.
Unless-- Hm? What if we're imagining all of this.
The ship, the suits, Lisa.
For all we know, you and I are back home in my room right now and all of this is an illusion.
If that's the case, your mom's going to be pissed.
Why? If you're right, I just stepped out and took a whiz in your kitchen.
The sun's going down.
We better get a fire started before we run out of light.
Pepperoni pizza, snicker doodles, chili cheeseburgers, toast.
All swimming in gravy.
You tried to kill me back there with that vending machine.
You're paranoid.
Am I, Gary? If, in fact, you are Gary.
Who else would I be? For all I know, you could be one of those brain sucking, space ticks from episode 11.
You're probably waiting for me to fall asleep, so you can stuck my brain out through my nose.
Not much of a meal there.
Think about it.
Lisa wasn't real, the ship wasn't real.
Who's to say you are? I know me when I see me.
And I'm me.
So this is what it comes to.
Stranded, starving, and mad at each other.
Looks that way.
When the fire dies out, it'll be pitch black.
You won't be able to see me.
I won't be able to see you.
Anything could happen.
We should try and stay awake.
Keep an eye on each other.
Listen for any sound in the dark.
Any hint of attack.
Right.
Try and last till morning.
Then everything will be OK.
Everything will be fine.
Absolutely.
After all, we're friends first, right? Best friends.
CHETT DONNELLY: Two former friends now enemies.
Sentries, if you will.
Keeping watch on each other.
Neither dares to move or blink.
They hope only to last till morning, unaware that on this world, the night's last as long as a year.
And when morning finally comes, it sheds light not on their questions, but rather, on their bones.
Former friends.
Now victims.
Blinded by their mutual suspicion.
Unable to see the key to their salvation was always just within reach.
I can't believe it.
Gary! Wake up! Ah! Ow! What'd you do that for? That hurt! Did it? Or is the pain merely an illusion.
Maybe it never happened.
Maybe it-- no, wait.
You're bleeding.
It really is you! What do you know, another welt! You spooked me, you doof! I finally figured out which episode this is.
You did? Remember the one where Gavin McCloud played the bougie stockbroker who steals a lot of money and travels to the future, only to die, penniless and alone, next to an ATM machine.
And ATM stands for-- (TOGETHER) Automated Time Machine! We're saved! We're saved! Sorry.
For a second there, I forgot we hated each other.
Yeah.
Me, too.
Hey, about that dodge burn.
I-- It's OK.
I'm sorry I flapped my lips about your butt crack.
If I know my "Zone," and I think I do, Gavin had his bank card in his boot the whole time.
Here it is.
[BEEPING.]
MACHINE: Please enter number travelling, destination, and arrival date.
We're going home, buddy! Ow! Watch the welt.
Don't start.
We're back.
That ATM was amazing.
I'll say.
Not only did it teleport us through time and space, gave me $40 in quick cash.
You're back.
I guess that means you guys are friends again.
Yeah.
But we're not talking to you.
Someday you'll thank me.
[RUMBLING.]
Don't look at me.
Submitted for your approval, two troubled teens and one magic genie.
Seemingly the perfect formula for mirth and mayhem.
Little do they know that the joke is on them as they search for an exit in a world without doors.
[RUMBLING.]
Oops.
Did not see that coming.
THEME MUSIC: Weird science.
Fantasy and microchips.
Shooting from the hip.
Something different.
We're making weird science.
Pictures from a magazine.
Bits and pieces.
Bits and pieces, pieces, pieces.
My creation.
Is it real? It's my creation.
I do not know.
It's my creation.
From my heart and from my hands.
Why don't people understand my intentions?