Weird Science s04e15 Episode Script
It's a Wonderful Life... Without You
You make man? No.
Woman.
MONSTER: Woman? [MUSIC - OINGO BOINGO, "WEIRD SCIENCE".]
THEME SONG: Weird science, ooo! Pictures from a magazine, diagrams and charts, mending broken hearts and making weird science.
Something like a recipe, bits and pieces, bits and pieces.
My creation, is it real? It's my creation, ooo, my creation.
It's my creation! No heart of gold-- just flesh and blood.
I do not know.
It's my creation, ooo, my creation.
It's my creation! From my heart and from my hand, why don't people understand? It's alive.
Alive! I can't believe you actually got Zuzu Bailey's phone number.
And it isn't the Weather Service either.
I checked! Hey! What What? Shh! (WHISPERING) Don't talk.
Listen! I don't hear anything.
(WHISPERING) Exactly! It's quiet.
Too quiet.
The whole living room is probably booby trapped.
This definitely smells like a Chett trap.
All I small is a rousing game of third period dodge ball.
Do you want to the serious? Or do you want to spend another night picking pizza shrapnel out of your nose hairs? You think the place is wired? All I know is my parents aren't home, Chett's Jeep is in the driveway, and there hasn't been an ambush in weeks.
A recipe for disaster.
Don't touch the floor! Ah! Ah! Oh.
Ugh.
Don't worry.
I'm OK.
Oh.
Good.
[CLICKING.]
[CLICKING.]
Oh.
Ice maker.
Do you remember the moment that you lost control of your life? Wait! It might be booby trapped.
What booby trap? We're safe.
We made it to your room.
[ELECTRICAL SOUNDS.]
I think we're about to have a Kodak moment.
Hello.
Ha! [LAUGHING.]
Oh, I think I've got this year's Christmas card.
I made this for Chett when I was in the second grade.
Well, it's certainly impact resistant.
Gary says he's not coming over here anymore as long as Chett's living here.
Dare me to fit this whole thing in my mouth.
Lisa, could you pay attention? Sorry.
You know, what it comes down to it, I'm the only one who sticks up for him.
But does he appreciate me? No.
I'm just his whipping boy.
You know, I'd like to see Chett try and get along without me.
I'd like to see that, too.
[YELLING.]
Lisa! What have you done? Opened up a little vortex.
Nothing to worry about.
Well, that was fun.
What the hell is this? This is limbo, Wyatt.
A place for things that never existed.
Never existed? You mean I'm dead? No, not dead.
As far as the world is concerned, there never was a Wyatt Donnelly.
That's my room.
Come on.
Let's see how Chett likes being Wyatt-less.
Hm.
Feels kind of like electric Silly Putty.
WYATT: My room looks different.
It's not your room anymore, remember? Chett's an only child.
It's his room now.
It's not there.
What? Zuzu's phone number.
You didn't exist for her to give it to you.
Follow me.
Remind me to tell dad we have termites.
My parents are home? What kind of bizarre world is this? There's no need to whisper.
They can't hear us.
Chester's not home from school yet? Not yet.
Wonder what he's up to now? Sounds like the same old Chett.
CHETT: Mom? Dad? WAYNE: Chett.
Where have you been? Sorry about that.
I was at the library.
I guess I lost track of time.
Oh, here.
You got a 98! That's great, hon.
Should've been 100, but the test fell on the same day as my interview for grad school, and it was my day to volunteer at the children's hospital.
WAYNE: We've held dinner for you.
Thanks, but no.
Eating always makes me sleepy, and I've got a lot of work to do.
You know, that's quite a son we've got there.
We certainly hit the jackpot with that one.
I'm glad we stopped there.
My love for a second child would only have paled in comparison.
Hey! What's going on? Is this some kind of joke? This is what Chett would be like without me in his life? Hm.
Not quite the object lesson you were hoping for, is it? Not quite.
Well don't get upset about it.
I'm sure there's lots of other people who would be worse off if you were never born.
Yeah? Like who? GARY: I'll-- I'll do anything! Take my lunch money! Ah! Don't hit me! Just don't hit me, man! Oh no.
Poor Gary! So the bully says to Screech, what kind of name is "Screech" anyway, whodow? [LAUGHING.]
Hysterical, Gary.
I love that show.
He's looking right at me.
I thought we were invisible.
We are.
Where you been, Pooh Bear? WYATT: I can't believe it.
Gary's locking lips with Marianne Martineau, the hottest girl at Farbner! LISA: Wow.
Without you, he's incredibly popular and a babe magnet.
Wyatt, watch this.
See that pencil? Watch it carefully.
How about that? I'm haunting him.
[DOORBELL.]
Come in.
WYATT: Gary? What's Gary doing here? Chett.
Wallace, what are you doing here? We had an appointment.
I can't tutor you today.
I have 400 pages to read, and I have a speech to write for the Young Businessmen's Association.
I paid in advance.
All right.
I'll give you five minutes.
If I don't floss, I think I'll be OK.
Let's just go back to limbo.
I've seen enough.
I'm better off dead.
Just a few more minutes.
I'm trying to dip your dad's tie in the gravy.
I'd just like to say that I'm proud to hold the future of this country in my-- and I'd just like to say that I'm proud-- Don't forget, Chett, tomorrow is Meals on Wheels day.
Right.
And you have a three o'clock with your admissions counselor.
Got it.
And while we're all together, your father and I have a surprise for you.
A surprise? Your father has arranged for you to start an internship with his agency.
Start tomorrow.
Three afternoons a week and Saturdays.
Three afternoons a week and Saturday? Could I be excused, please? [KNOCKING.]
Hey, Chett.
Oh, I'm glad I caught you.
Listen, I don't get number eight.
Do you have a minute? Do I have a minute? You bet.
Well, not quite a whole minute.
Will you take 30 seconds? Because there's nothing I'd rather do than help you, Wallace.
I don't have time to tinkle, but I want to make sure you're OK! Great, because I don't pass this, I am screwed.
"What is the underlying theme of Steinbeck's 'Of Mice and Men'?" You know what the answer is? Life sucks! That's the answer, OK? You do your best, you try to keep up, but you just can't.
It's all too much.
You're not smart enough, or talented enough, or good enough.
You can't cut it.
You're destined to be miserable.
The end! That's only 48 words.
I need a 50-word answer! I can't believe it.
Chett had a total meltdown.
What happened? I guess the pressure's too much.
You're not around, so your mom and dad are fixated on Chett.
Maybe he's not destined for greatness.
So what's gonna happen to Chett? Looks like he's about to lose it.
And if he does, then he'll probably spend the rest of his life a miserable burnout feeling like he let everybody down.
That's terrible.
Try not to let it get to you.
[TEARING.]
Lisa, You're a genie, capable of turning men into mushrooms.
Why are you so obsessed with unzipping people's flies with your mind? I'm haunting them.
I'm getting pretty good at it, too.
Watch.
Is there something you want to tell me, Mr.
Wallace? It's not what you think.
PRINCIPAL SCAMPI: Oh, really? So, if I check those serial numbers against the ones missing from the junior class treasury they wouldn't be the same? What's going on, Gary? Stand back, Ms.
Martineau.
We've caught him red-handed with the stolen funds.
Well, there must be some kind of mistake.
Gary does need to steal money.
His father is Mike Wallace of "60 Minutes" fame.
Go ahead, tell him Gary.
Don't bother.
I've done some checking.
His father is Al Wallace, a tow truck driver.
Ew! PRINCIPAL SCAMPI: Missing toys from the Toys for Tots drive.
Is there no limit to the depths of your treachery? Come on you creep, let's go.
All right kids.
Shows over.
Return to your classes.
But let this be a lesson to you.
Corruption wins not more than honesty.
Principal Scampi? Your barn door's open.
I can't believe it.
He's a criminal.
He could go to jail! Poor Gary.
I guess he wanted to be popular so badly he'd stoop to anything.
You weren't there to reign him in, Wyatt.
Without you, he didn't know when to quit.
Nice to see you in a good mood.
Hey, my brother's a nut, and my best friend's a felon.
Who wouldn't be happy? They need me.
All right then.
Prepare for reentry.
Here we go! Uh, Lis? Uh huh? Nothing's happening.
I noticed that, too.
I just had a terrible thought.
Please share.
If you never existed, then you weren't around to help Gary create me.
What are you saying? Stupid ol' me.
I zapped the both of us right out of existence.
Are you mad? What have you done? What have you done? I can't believe this! We are trapped in limbo forever! Are you through? Because I've got a plan.
We've gotta get a message to Gary.
If we can convince Gary to recreate me on the computer, I can get out of here and zap you back into existence.
Simple.
OK.
OK, uh, all right then.
So we get Gary Wallace, computer illiterate D student and all around underachiever to create a magic genie on a computer.
It's a brilliant plan.
You know, people who don't exist ought to go easy on the sarcasm.
Oh, well.
Excuse me for not living! Chett! Chett, can you here me? It's Wyatt! He doesn't know who Wyatt is! Uh, Chett, it's, uh, God! Oh, that'll calm him right down.
Uh, never mind who this is, Chett.
If you can hear me, give me a sign! I'm not listening, because sane people don't listen to the voices in their heads.
He hears you! Must be some kind of psychic link between brothers.
Keep talking.
Uh, Chett! Uh, you have to listen.
I'm your unborn brother.
I need you to create a magical woman on your computer to bring me back into existence! Oh, this is encouraging.
Even the voices in my head are insane.
You're not getting me, voice guy.
I'm not listening to you, because I have a secret hiding place.
[HUMMING.]
He may have turned a corner.
WYATT: So Chett was a bust.
What's the plan with Gary? Maybe we can haunt him into doing what we want.
Hey, Marianne.
Look! This Etch-a-Sketch is writing things all by itself.
[BELL RINGS.]
You are such a big, fat liar.
Shoot.
Hello? Talk to me.
-Do something! -I'm trying! TOY: The cow says, Gary, help me! The duck says, listen to the cow.
Just tell me what you want me to do.
TOY: The piggy says, load the memory manager into upper RAM.
All I see is a goat and a pig.
There's no ram on here.
We're never going to get anywhere at this rate.
He can't figure out the Squeak and Squawk.
Let me try.
TOY: The horsey says, get help from Chett.
Chett.
OK.
I understand.
So the cow told you to build a woman, huh? No.
The cow said, help me Gary.
The mouse told me to build a woman.
Build her on the computer, right? You've been talking to the pig, haven't you? No.
I haven't spoken to anyone.
I haven't heard any voices ever.
Never.
Here, you try.
see if it talks to you.
CHETT (VOICEOVER): If this toy actually speaks to me, it means I truly am insane.
Who said that? The voices are back! Oh, wait.
That was just me.
TOY: The chicken says, help Gary make a woman.
I'm not crazy.
No, you're not.
I am.
Oh, it's all clear to me now.
I'm going to build a woman on my computer and release my unborn brother from limbo.
OK.
Now you're starting to freak me out.
It's too late, Gary.
I've heard my calling, and you're going to help.
Now grab the talking cow, and let's go build us a woman! [MUSIC PLAYING.]
GARY: Well, that's it.
We just push this button and get our girl.
Push button, make girl.
Push button, make girl.
Push.
Push.
Push! Push! Hang on to your crown, big guy.
Ah! [LAUGHTER.]
Show me the way, oh mighty moo cow! So what do you little maniacs want to do first? Just kidding.
You're real.
I thought I was going insane.
But you exist! I'm not crazy! WYATT: What's taking so long, huh? Hey, you didn't forget about me, did you? I don't hear you.
[HUMMING.]
Hello, you stupid old staircase! Hello wall! Hello carpet! He's been doing this all day.
Well, we had quite a scare.
Huh.
What do you know? Zuzu's number! Hello room! Hello light switch! BOTH: Wyatt, no! Gotcha.
Hello, Chett.
[LAUGHING.]
[MUSIC - OINGO BOINGO, "WEIRD SCIENCE".]
THEME SONG: Weird science.
Fantasy and microchips, shooting from the hip, something different, we're making weird science.
Ooo! Pictures from a magazine, bits and pieces, bits and pieces.
My creation, is it real? It's my creation, I do not know.
It's my creation! From my heart and from my hand, who don't people understand my intentions?
Woman.
MONSTER: Woman? [MUSIC - OINGO BOINGO, "WEIRD SCIENCE".]
THEME SONG: Weird science, ooo! Pictures from a magazine, diagrams and charts, mending broken hearts and making weird science.
Something like a recipe, bits and pieces, bits and pieces.
My creation, is it real? It's my creation, ooo, my creation.
It's my creation! No heart of gold-- just flesh and blood.
I do not know.
It's my creation, ooo, my creation.
It's my creation! From my heart and from my hand, why don't people understand? It's alive.
Alive! I can't believe you actually got Zuzu Bailey's phone number.
And it isn't the Weather Service either.
I checked! Hey! What What? Shh! (WHISPERING) Don't talk.
Listen! I don't hear anything.
(WHISPERING) Exactly! It's quiet.
Too quiet.
The whole living room is probably booby trapped.
This definitely smells like a Chett trap.
All I small is a rousing game of third period dodge ball.
Do you want to the serious? Or do you want to spend another night picking pizza shrapnel out of your nose hairs? You think the place is wired? All I know is my parents aren't home, Chett's Jeep is in the driveway, and there hasn't been an ambush in weeks.
A recipe for disaster.
Don't touch the floor! Ah! Ah! Oh.
Ugh.
Don't worry.
I'm OK.
Oh.
Good.
[CLICKING.]
[CLICKING.]
Oh.
Ice maker.
Do you remember the moment that you lost control of your life? Wait! It might be booby trapped.
What booby trap? We're safe.
We made it to your room.
[ELECTRICAL SOUNDS.]
I think we're about to have a Kodak moment.
Hello.
Ha! [LAUGHING.]
Oh, I think I've got this year's Christmas card.
I made this for Chett when I was in the second grade.
Well, it's certainly impact resistant.
Gary says he's not coming over here anymore as long as Chett's living here.
Dare me to fit this whole thing in my mouth.
Lisa, could you pay attention? Sorry.
You know, what it comes down to it, I'm the only one who sticks up for him.
But does he appreciate me? No.
I'm just his whipping boy.
You know, I'd like to see Chett try and get along without me.
I'd like to see that, too.
[YELLING.]
Lisa! What have you done? Opened up a little vortex.
Nothing to worry about.
Well, that was fun.
What the hell is this? This is limbo, Wyatt.
A place for things that never existed.
Never existed? You mean I'm dead? No, not dead.
As far as the world is concerned, there never was a Wyatt Donnelly.
That's my room.
Come on.
Let's see how Chett likes being Wyatt-less.
Hm.
Feels kind of like electric Silly Putty.
WYATT: My room looks different.
It's not your room anymore, remember? Chett's an only child.
It's his room now.
It's not there.
What? Zuzu's phone number.
You didn't exist for her to give it to you.
Follow me.
Remind me to tell dad we have termites.
My parents are home? What kind of bizarre world is this? There's no need to whisper.
They can't hear us.
Chester's not home from school yet? Not yet.
Wonder what he's up to now? Sounds like the same old Chett.
CHETT: Mom? Dad? WAYNE: Chett.
Where have you been? Sorry about that.
I was at the library.
I guess I lost track of time.
Oh, here.
You got a 98! That's great, hon.
Should've been 100, but the test fell on the same day as my interview for grad school, and it was my day to volunteer at the children's hospital.
WAYNE: We've held dinner for you.
Thanks, but no.
Eating always makes me sleepy, and I've got a lot of work to do.
You know, that's quite a son we've got there.
We certainly hit the jackpot with that one.
I'm glad we stopped there.
My love for a second child would only have paled in comparison.
Hey! What's going on? Is this some kind of joke? This is what Chett would be like without me in his life? Hm.
Not quite the object lesson you were hoping for, is it? Not quite.
Well don't get upset about it.
I'm sure there's lots of other people who would be worse off if you were never born.
Yeah? Like who? GARY: I'll-- I'll do anything! Take my lunch money! Ah! Don't hit me! Just don't hit me, man! Oh no.
Poor Gary! So the bully says to Screech, what kind of name is "Screech" anyway, whodow? [LAUGHING.]
Hysterical, Gary.
I love that show.
He's looking right at me.
I thought we were invisible.
We are.
Where you been, Pooh Bear? WYATT: I can't believe it.
Gary's locking lips with Marianne Martineau, the hottest girl at Farbner! LISA: Wow.
Without you, he's incredibly popular and a babe magnet.
Wyatt, watch this.
See that pencil? Watch it carefully.
How about that? I'm haunting him.
[DOORBELL.]
Come in.
WYATT: Gary? What's Gary doing here? Chett.
Wallace, what are you doing here? We had an appointment.
I can't tutor you today.
I have 400 pages to read, and I have a speech to write for the Young Businessmen's Association.
I paid in advance.
All right.
I'll give you five minutes.
If I don't floss, I think I'll be OK.
Let's just go back to limbo.
I've seen enough.
I'm better off dead.
Just a few more minutes.
I'm trying to dip your dad's tie in the gravy.
I'd just like to say that I'm proud to hold the future of this country in my-- and I'd just like to say that I'm proud-- Don't forget, Chett, tomorrow is Meals on Wheels day.
Right.
And you have a three o'clock with your admissions counselor.
Got it.
And while we're all together, your father and I have a surprise for you.
A surprise? Your father has arranged for you to start an internship with his agency.
Start tomorrow.
Three afternoons a week and Saturdays.
Three afternoons a week and Saturday? Could I be excused, please? [KNOCKING.]
Hey, Chett.
Oh, I'm glad I caught you.
Listen, I don't get number eight.
Do you have a minute? Do I have a minute? You bet.
Well, not quite a whole minute.
Will you take 30 seconds? Because there's nothing I'd rather do than help you, Wallace.
I don't have time to tinkle, but I want to make sure you're OK! Great, because I don't pass this, I am screwed.
"What is the underlying theme of Steinbeck's 'Of Mice and Men'?" You know what the answer is? Life sucks! That's the answer, OK? You do your best, you try to keep up, but you just can't.
It's all too much.
You're not smart enough, or talented enough, or good enough.
You can't cut it.
You're destined to be miserable.
The end! That's only 48 words.
I need a 50-word answer! I can't believe it.
Chett had a total meltdown.
What happened? I guess the pressure's too much.
You're not around, so your mom and dad are fixated on Chett.
Maybe he's not destined for greatness.
So what's gonna happen to Chett? Looks like he's about to lose it.
And if he does, then he'll probably spend the rest of his life a miserable burnout feeling like he let everybody down.
That's terrible.
Try not to let it get to you.
[TEARING.]
Lisa, You're a genie, capable of turning men into mushrooms.
Why are you so obsessed with unzipping people's flies with your mind? I'm haunting them.
I'm getting pretty good at it, too.
Watch.
Is there something you want to tell me, Mr.
Wallace? It's not what you think.
PRINCIPAL SCAMPI: Oh, really? So, if I check those serial numbers against the ones missing from the junior class treasury they wouldn't be the same? What's going on, Gary? Stand back, Ms.
Martineau.
We've caught him red-handed with the stolen funds.
Well, there must be some kind of mistake.
Gary does need to steal money.
His father is Mike Wallace of "60 Minutes" fame.
Go ahead, tell him Gary.
Don't bother.
I've done some checking.
His father is Al Wallace, a tow truck driver.
Ew! PRINCIPAL SCAMPI: Missing toys from the Toys for Tots drive.
Is there no limit to the depths of your treachery? Come on you creep, let's go.
All right kids.
Shows over.
Return to your classes.
But let this be a lesson to you.
Corruption wins not more than honesty.
Principal Scampi? Your barn door's open.
I can't believe it.
He's a criminal.
He could go to jail! Poor Gary.
I guess he wanted to be popular so badly he'd stoop to anything.
You weren't there to reign him in, Wyatt.
Without you, he didn't know when to quit.
Nice to see you in a good mood.
Hey, my brother's a nut, and my best friend's a felon.
Who wouldn't be happy? They need me.
All right then.
Prepare for reentry.
Here we go! Uh, Lis? Uh huh? Nothing's happening.
I noticed that, too.
I just had a terrible thought.
Please share.
If you never existed, then you weren't around to help Gary create me.
What are you saying? Stupid ol' me.
I zapped the both of us right out of existence.
Are you mad? What have you done? What have you done? I can't believe this! We are trapped in limbo forever! Are you through? Because I've got a plan.
We've gotta get a message to Gary.
If we can convince Gary to recreate me on the computer, I can get out of here and zap you back into existence.
Simple.
OK.
OK, uh, all right then.
So we get Gary Wallace, computer illiterate D student and all around underachiever to create a magic genie on a computer.
It's a brilliant plan.
You know, people who don't exist ought to go easy on the sarcasm.
Oh, well.
Excuse me for not living! Chett! Chett, can you here me? It's Wyatt! He doesn't know who Wyatt is! Uh, Chett, it's, uh, God! Oh, that'll calm him right down.
Uh, never mind who this is, Chett.
If you can hear me, give me a sign! I'm not listening, because sane people don't listen to the voices in their heads.
He hears you! Must be some kind of psychic link between brothers.
Keep talking.
Uh, Chett! Uh, you have to listen.
I'm your unborn brother.
I need you to create a magical woman on your computer to bring me back into existence! Oh, this is encouraging.
Even the voices in my head are insane.
You're not getting me, voice guy.
I'm not listening to you, because I have a secret hiding place.
[HUMMING.]
He may have turned a corner.
WYATT: So Chett was a bust.
What's the plan with Gary? Maybe we can haunt him into doing what we want.
Hey, Marianne.
Look! This Etch-a-Sketch is writing things all by itself.
[BELL RINGS.]
You are such a big, fat liar.
Shoot.
Hello? Talk to me.
-Do something! -I'm trying! TOY: The cow says, Gary, help me! The duck says, listen to the cow.
Just tell me what you want me to do.
TOY: The piggy says, load the memory manager into upper RAM.
All I see is a goat and a pig.
There's no ram on here.
We're never going to get anywhere at this rate.
He can't figure out the Squeak and Squawk.
Let me try.
TOY: The horsey says, get help from Chett.
Chett.
OK.
I understand.
So the cow told you to build a woman, huh? No.
The cow said, help me Gary.
The mouse told me to build a woman.
Build her on the computer, right? You've been talking to the pig, haven't you? No.
I haven't spoken to anyone.
I haven't heard any voices ever.
Never.
Here, you try.
see if it talks to you.
CHETT (VOICEOVER): If this toy actually speaks to me, it means I truly am insane.
Who said that? The voices are back! Oh, wait.
That was just me.
TOY: The chicken says, help Gary make a woman.
I'm not crazy.
No, you're not.
I am.
Oh, it's all clear to me now.
I'm going to build a woman on my computer and release my unborn brother from limbo.
OK.
Now you're starting to freak me out.
It's too late, Gary.
I've heard my calling, and you're going to help.
Now grab the talking cow, and let's go build us a woman! [MUSIC PLAYING.]
GARY: Well, that's it.
We just push this button and get our girl.
Push button, make girl.
Push button, make girl.
Push.
Push.
Push! Push! Hang on to your crown, big guy.
Ah! [LAUGHTER.]
Show me the way, oh mighty moo cow! So what do you little maniacs want to do first? Just kidding.
You're real.
I thought I was going insane.
But you exist! I'm not crazy! WYATT: What's taking so long, huh? Hey, you didn't forget about me, did you? I don't hear you.
[HUMMING.]
Hello, you stupid old staircase! Hello wall! Hello carpet! He's been doing this all day.
Well, we had quite a scare.
Huh.
What do you know? Zuzu's number! Hello room! Hello light switch! BOTH: Wyatt, no! Gotcha.
Hello, Chett.
[LAUGHING.]
[MUSIC - OINGO BOINGO, "WEIRD SCIENCE".]
THEME SONG: Weird science.
Fantasy and microchips, shooting from the hip, something different, we're making weird science.
Ooo! Pictures from a magazine, bits and pieces, bits and pieces.
My creation, is it real? It's my creation, I do not know.
It's my creation! From my heart and from my hand, who don't people understand my intentions?