Weird Science s05e01 Episode Script
I Dream of Gene
[ man screams .]
[ screams .]
[ gasping .]
The Drug Lord's behind the limo.
- Frag him.
- Back off.
I am the law.
WYATT: Oh, yeah! Gun shot! Gun shot! Wounded! Finish him off! GARY: Kill! Kill! BOTH: Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! I, uh, I think we were ready for a time-out anyway.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, sorry.
Looks like we found our power problem.
It's my magic detector.
I'm hunting genies.
- WYATT: Hunting genies? - This scanner detects magic and teleports the source to that transporter pad.
This isn't going to make us sterile, is it? Like it matters.
Why the sudden push to find another genie? Think of the billions of computers in the world.
Chances are, there's got to be another genie out there somewhere.
I can't be completely alone in the world.
You're not alone, you got us.
But you guys have got family-- People who are like you.
What do I have? Barbara Eden and a big fat blue guy who talks like Robin Williams.
The truth is out there.
[ beeping .]
[ buzzing .]
Guys, I got signals.
Is it Genie? The magic detectors are jumping like fleas on a griddle.
As soon as I get the sleep boogers out of my eyes somebody's going to die.
Stand back, Chett.
I've got magic readings of the Yin-Yang.
[ shouting .]
[ deep, echoing voice .]
: Who dares disturb the Genie of the Lamp? [ all whimpering .]
Uh hi.
My name's Lisa.
I'm the one who brought you here.
- You're not mad, are you? - [ normal voice .]
: Mad? Ha.
What man could display anger in the presence of such breathtaking loveliness? May I, Lisa? - Good opening line.
- Very smooth.
Seen better.
Name's Chett Donnelly.
What handle do you go by, balloon pants? My name is Gene and I apologize if it lacks the sly wit of "balloon pants".
And do you dress yourself, Gene or does your master pick your clothes? Not anymore.
[ chuckles .]
Well, that's much better.
You can forget the Alamo and crush that putrid yellow rose because I'm finally free of that Demented Texas Hobgoblin.
Who? GENE: My current master discovered me in 1956 and spirited me away to Texas.
Believe me, that's no place for a civilized magical creature.
Nothing but cows, dust and mentally unbalanced football fans.
How can I ever repay you for breaking me out? You don't have to.
I've always dreamed of meeting someone like me.
You mean to say you're a genie as well? - Damn skippy.
- [ laughing .]
- Shall we? - Shall we what? I'm dying for a decent martini preferably in a bar that doesn't serve ribs and suds.
Corral your longhorn, pal.
With your sparkly pixic magic and expect Lisa to go off with you.
Later.
Have her back by 11:00.
# Home, home one on the range # # Where the deer and the antelope play # Unbelievable.
There's no escape it.
- Think you can do better? - Ooh, a challenge.
# all day # Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and welcome ot the Yum-Yum Room.
My name is Gene.
My first number tonight is for a special little lady who's change my life.
A girl who's from his part of town.
[ soft rock music playing .]
# There's a girl ini this harbor town # # And she works laying whisky down # # They say Lisa, fetch another round # # She serves them whiskey and wine # # The sailors say, Lisa, you're a fine girl # # Hoo-- what a good wife you would be # # Your eyes could steal a sailor from the sea # # What a good wife you would be # # But my life, my love and my lady # # Is the sea # # Whoo-whoo-whoo # # You're a fine girl # [ applause .]
# Such a fine girl # To the most beautiful lady genie I've ever met.
Your radiance shames the stars.
How many lady genies have you met? Well, I stopped counting around 4,000.
- Are you jealous? - Curious.
- Hmm.
- I've had a wonderful time but you know, you haven't answered any of my questions.
I want you to tell me everything.
What, and rob you of the pleasure of discovery? Come on, please? Where do genies come from? Is there a lot of us? Is there like a secret club, or something? Lisa, there's magic everywhere.
It's down there with the mortals it's up here with us.
We mustn't squander our precious time together.
Who knows how long it will be before my masters comes looking for me.
My masters are pretty cool.
I mean, Gary and Wyatt ask for goofy things but we're equals.
They love me.
Now, the other one this Chett Should I be jealous? Well, he and I sort of we almost - Uh-huh.
- We did kiss once but well, you know, - he's Chett.
- [ chuckles .]
[ sniffing .]
I smell hot cheese.
Sorry.
Must have followed me in.
- Hey! Hey! Fondue! - Don't be think about it, pus barge.
But I love fondue.
Exactly.
It's delicious and fun to make.
That's why there's no way Lisa will be able to resist.
So far, Timmy the Turban has been kicking my butt in the romance department but after tonight there's going to be a new sheriff in love gulch.
Get real.
What could you possibly do that would lure Lisa away from Gene.
- He has fondue.
- Cheese and meat.
And if the seductive power of fondue fails to do the trick I've rented her favorite movie.
Howard the Duck? Maybe you do have a shot.
And the topper the time-honored symbol of man's undying affection the chick's name carved permanently into wood.
Tell me this doesn't scream a commitment.
- It will never work.
- Even with the fondue? You better pray it does work.
Why would Lisa hang with you flank spankers when Gene "the Magnificent" is taking her hip-hopping on rings of Saturn? Unless I give her a reason to stay It's good-bye genie.
- She loves cheddar.
- Make it sharp.
- Hey, guys.
- Alaska rocks.
It's bigger than Texas, there's more oil and they don't give and Armadillo's Patootie about Emmitt Smith.
LISA: And we learned this neat trick.
- Eskino kiss.
- Eskino kiss.
That sound like an adventure.
You must be ready for a night in.
I've got fundue and Howard the Duck.
- I love fundue.
- Well, everyone loves fundue.
- but, uh, Lisa and I have plans.
- Gene's taking me back to the dawn of creation so we can watch the Big Bang Together.
Oh.
You're tanking.
Go with the plaque.
- Uh, Lisa - Oh, before we go you guys have got to see what Gene made me.
He carved it himself.
He's so good with his hands.
How nice for him.
Give it up, little man.
She is way out of your league.
[ laughing .]
[ plaque hits floor .]
A little visit to Gene's home away from home.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Now I've got your number, curly toes.
[ laughing .]
- Ow! Ow! Ow! - Stop being such a baby.
Well, blow, blow.
- Oh, oh, oh.
- I told you to wear sunscreen.
Hi, kids.
Fun day at the beach? Well, it would have been if you humans hadn't destroyed the ozone layer with your damned aerosol squirt cheese.
Well, I know just the thing to cheer you up.
An old friend of yours stopped by for a visit.
Howdy.
Long time no see.
Hey, Master.
What have you been up to, Genie? A little beach blanket bingo? He can play in my sandbox any old time.
Darlin', I can't have you're flirtin' while I'm trying to discipline the Genie.
It seems my days of playing hooky have ended.
You got that right.
Hop in this lamp and let's scoot! - May I clean out my teapot, Master? - No lollygagging.
Excuse me, but who are you? Oh! I beg your pardon, ma'am.
Butayne's the name.
H.
Boyd Butayne? Noted Texas Billionaire H.
Boyd Butayne? What are you doing here? Well, see, I rose the other day, AM, and what do I find? I got a lamp with no genie in it.
Little Missus here was sadder than a sack of sumbitches.
- Come on, Gene! - Chop, chop! Gene, you don't have to go.
I can flash fry this little runt.
Well, as much as I despise him he is my master.
The time we shared together was precious.
I'll never forget you, Lisa.
He's such a charmer, ain't he? He's gone.
I know it hurts now but give it some time.
And don't forget, you can always rely on me.
I almost forget.
Thanks for the tip-off, boy.
- How could you hurt me like this? - I I, um Just when I started to think that you might be an okay guy.
Ah, hell.
- You sure you want to do this? - I screwed up! I ruined Lisa's life by getting Gene busted.
The only way to set things right is to get him back and that's what I'm going to do, even if it kills me.
- It might kill you.
- Huh? Look, I think I got this thing set in reverse but it's kind of hard to tell.
It will either transport you to Buyayne's Mansion or Or melt you like an army man over a lit match.
Kick it! [ motor whirring .]
[ snoring .]
[ whirring continues .]
[ snoring .]
[ snoring continues .]
Chett? What are you doing here? Surely you didn't come to Texas of your own free will? Listen up.
You got to go back to Lisa.
- She's crazy about you.
- Unfortunately, I have no say in the matter.
I am bound to serve the one who summons me.
Yeah, well, I summoned you and I'm Wait a minute.
You mean, since I, uh? Yes, yes.
Anything your little heart desires.
- A billion dollars.
- Oh, that's new.
Hot chow! A billion samolians! Anything else, my predictable new master? Well, yeah.
You bet your silky drawers there's something else.
Let's see.
I wish, uh hmm I wish I thought you were an okay guy.
You've done some rotten things okay guy I'll never be with you now.
[ sighs .]
I wish for your freedom.
My freedom? Really? Ha! I'm free! - Aw, groovy! - Yeah.
Just - be good to Lisa, okay? - Lisa? [ laughs .]
I'm afraid that's impossible.
Oh, sure, she's good fun but she's not relationship material.
You've been rubbing noses with somebody else? Guilty as charged.
Oh.
Well, how about I teach you to rub noses with my fist.
Well, bravo.
I certainly had that coming.
What in the name of Troy Aikman is going on here? Chett here just freed me, you cud-munching troglodyte and my first act as a free genie is to claim the hand of my true love.
- Muffin! - Marie?! Oh, dearie me.
Isn't this awkward? Uh, I was talking about Lupe.
- Senor Gene! - [ chuckles .]
Oh! Give me some sugar, baby.
Yo.
Smokey.
Doesn't it bother you you're going to break Lisa's heart? Well, of course it pains me.
You think I like being a cad? It's my curse.
Keep an eye on Sunday's game, Boyd because your little cowboys are going down.
Not my cowboys! You better not zap my cowboys.
Here goes nothing.
Where are they? They should be back by now, shouldn't they? Uh, I'm sure they'll by zapping in any minute.
Be patient.
Chett's a marine.
Covert Ops are his specialty.
Gee.
I wonder who this is from.
"Dear Lisa.
Chett freed me.
"I'm off to see the universe.
I'll never forget the time we spent together but I've run off with the maid.
"Hope this expensive gift will take the sting out of it.
Fondly, Gene.
" Ouch.
Well, wa-hoo.
It was horrible! An ugly, bloody blur.
That crazy cowboy wouldn't let him go! Guns, dogs, land mines.
But Gene Gene was a hero.
That damn brave fool.
He ate a grenade to save me.
Lisa, he died with your name on his lips.
[ sobbing .]
A grenade killed the 4,000 years old immportal genie? - Uh a genie-killing grenade.
- And he was thinking about me, huh? Right.
So you shouldn't be heartbroken about him blowing up or anything because he really loved you.
- What else did Gene say? - Oh.
Um well, he said you were absolutely perfect.
Funny kind heart-stoppingly beautiful.
Every time he is with you he feels like he really matters.
He said you're the kind of girl who a loser like him can only dream about.
- Gene said all that? - With a grenade in his mouth? Oh, yeah.
And he wanted you to have this.
He made it himself.
This is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever given me.
It's a shame I can't think Gene-- him being dead and all-- But I can thank you for you know delievering his last message.
I'm going to go now.
Oh, shut your pie holes.
He did a nice thing.
And if you'll excuse me I'm putting this over my computer.
I can't seem to find the right man.
Maybe it's not a man you should be looking for.
You think I might find happiness in the animal kingdom, ducky? - Oh, sorry.
- My mistake.
- My fault.
- Go ahead.
Captioned by Grant Brown
[ screams .]
[ gasping .]
The Drug Lord's behind the limo.
- Frag him.
- Back off.
I am the law.
WYATT: Oh, yeah! Gun shot! Gun shot! Wounded! Finish him off! GARY: Kill! Kill! BOTH: Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! I, uh, I think we were ready for a time-out anyway.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, sorry.
Looks like we found our power problem.
It's my magic detector.
I'm hunting genies.
- WYATT: Hunting genies? - This scanner detects magic and teleports the source to that transporter pad.
This isn't going to make us sterile, is it? Like it matters.
Why the sudden push to find another genie? Think of the billions of computers in the world.
Chances are, there's got to be another genie out there somewhere.
I can't be completely alone in the world.
You're not alone, you got us.
But you guys have got family-- People who are like you.
What do I have? Barbara Eden and a big fat blue guy who talks like Robin Williams.
The truth is out there.
[ beeping .]
[ buzzing .]
Guys, I got signals.
Is it Genie? The magic detectors are jumping like fleas on a griddle.
As soon as I get the sleep boogers out of my eyes somebody's going to die.
Stand back, Chett.
I've got magic readings of the Yin-Yang.
[ shouting .]
[ deep, echoing voice .]
: Who dares disturb the Genie of the Lamp? [ all whimpering .]
Uh hi.
My name's Lisa.
I'm the one who brought you here.
- You're not mad, are you? - [ normal voice .]
: Mad? Ha.
What man could display anger in the presence of such breathtaking loveliness? May I, Lisa? - Good opening line.
- Very smooth.
Seen better.
Name's Chett Donnelly.
What handle do you go by, balloon pants? My name is Gene and I apologize if it lacks the sly wit of "balloon pants".
And do you dress yourself, Gene or does your master pick your clothes? Not anymore.
[ chuckles .]
Well, that's much better.
You can forget the Alamo and crush that putrid yellow rose because I'm finally free of that Demented Texas Hobgoblin.
Who? GENE: My current master discovered me in 1956 and spirited me away to Texas.
Believe me, that's no place for a civilized magical creature.
Nothing but cows, dust and mentally unbalanced football fans.
How can I ever repay you for breaking me out? You don't have to.
I've always dreamed of meeting someone like me.
You mean to say you're a genie as well? - Damn skippy.
- [ laughing .]
- Shall we? - Shall we what? I'm dying for a decent martini preferably in a bar that doesn't serve ribs and suds.
Corral your longhorn, pal.
With your sparkly pixic magic and expect Lisa to go off with you.
Later.
Have her back by 11:00.
# Home, home one on the range # # Where the deer and the antelope play # Unbelievable.
There's no escape it.
- Think you can do better? - Ooh, a challenge.
# all day # Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and welcome ot the Yum-Yum Room.
My name is Gene.
My first number tonight is for a special little lady who's change my life.
A girl who's from his part of town.
[ soft rock music playing .]
# There's a girl ini this harbor town # # And she works laying whisky down # # They say Lisa, fetch another round # # She serves them whiskey and wine # # The sailors say, Lisa, you're a fine girl # # Hoo-- what a good wife you would be # # Your eyes could steal a sailor from the sea # # What a good wife you would be # # But my life, my love and my lady # # Is the sea # # Whoo-whoo-whoo # # You're a fine girl # [ applause .]
# Such a fine girl # To the most beautiful lady genie I've ever met.
Your radiance shames the stars.
How many lady genies have you met? Well, I stopped counting around 4,000.
- Are you jealous? - Curious.
- Hmm.
- I've had a wonderful time but you know, you haven't answered any of my questions.
I want you to tell me everything.
What, and rob you of the pleasure of discovery? Come on, please? Where do genies come from? Is there a lot of us? Is there like a secret club, or something? Lisa, there's magic everywhere.
It's down there with the mortals it's up here with us.
We mustn't squander our precious time together.
Who knows how long it will be before my masters comes looking for me.
My masters are pretty cool.
I mean, Gary and Wyatt ask for goofy things but we're equals.
They love me.
Now, the other one this Chett Should I be jealous? Well, he and I sort of we almost - Uh-huh.
- We did kiss once but well, you know, - he's Chett.
- [ chuckles .]
[ sniffing .]
I smell hot cheese.
Sorry.
Must have followed me in.
- Hey! Hey! Fondue! - Don't be think about it, pus barge.
But I love fondue.
Exactly.
It's delicious and fun to make.
That's why there's no way Lisa will be able to resist.
So far, Timmy the Turban has been kicking my butt in the romance department but after tonight there's going to be a new sheriff in love gulch.
Get real.
What could you possibly do that would lure Lisa away from Gene.
- He has fondue.
- Cheese and meat.
And if the seductive power of fondue fails to do the trick I've rented her favorite movie.
Howard the Duck? Maybe you do have a shot.
And the topper the time-honored symbol of man's undying affection the chick's name carved permanently into wood.
Tell me this doesn't scream a commitment.
- It will never work.
- Even with the fondue? You better pray it does work.
Why would Lisa hang with you flank spankers when Gene "the Magnificent" is taking her hip-hopping on rings of Saturn? Unless I give her a reason to stay It's good-bye genie.
- She loves cheddar.
- Make it sharp.
- Hey, guys.
- Alaska rocks.
It's bigger than Texas, there's more oil and they don't give and Armadillo's Patootie about Emmitt Smith.
LISA: And we learned this neat trick.
- Eskino kiss.
- Eskino kiss.
That sound like an adventure.
You must be ready for a night in.
I've got fundue and Howard the Duck.
- I love fundue.
- Well, everyone loves fundue.
- but, uh, Lisa and I have plans.
- Gene's taking me back to the dawn of creation so we can watch the Big Bang Together.
Oh.
You're tanking.
Go with the plaque.
- Uh, Lisa - Oh, before we go you guys have got to see what Gene made me.
He carved it himself.
He's so good with his hands.
How nice for him.
Give it up, little man.
She is way out of your league.
[ laughing .]
[ plaque hits floor .]
A little visit to Gene's home away from home.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Now I've got your number, curly toes.
[ laughing .]
- Ow! Ow! Ow! - Stop being such a baby.
Well, blow, blow.
- Oh, oh, oh.
- I told you to wear sunscreen.
Hi, kids.
Fun day at the beach? Well, it would have been if you humans hadn't destroyed the ozone layer with your damned aerosol squirt cheese.
Well, I know just the thing to cheer you up.
An old friend of yours stopped by for a visit.
Howdy.
Long time no see.
Hey, Master.
What have you been up to, Genie? A little beach blanket bingo? He can play in my sandbox any old time.
Darlin', I can't have you're flirtin' while I'm trying to discipline the Genie.
It seems my days of playing hooky have ended.
You got that right.
Hop in this lamp and let's scoot! - May I clean out my teapot, Master? - No lollygagging.
Excuse me, but who are you? Oh! I beg your pardon, ma'am.
Butayne's the name.
H.
Boyd Butayne? Noted Texas Billionaire H.
Boyd Butayne? What are you doing here? Well, see, I rose the other day, AM, and what do I find? I got a lamp with no genie in it.
Little Missus here was sadder than a sack of sumbitches.
- Come on, Gene! - Chop, chop! Gene, you don't have to go.
I can flash fry this little runt.
Well, as much as I despise him he is my master.
The time we shared together was precious.
I'll never forget you, Lisa.
He's such a charmer, ain't he? He's gone.
I know it hurts now but give it some time.
And don't forget, you can always rely on me.
I almost forget.
Thanks for the tip-off, boy.
- How could you hurt me like this? - I I, um Just when I started to think that you might be an okay guy.
Ah, hell.
- You sure you want to do this? - I screwed up! I ruined Lisa's life by getting Gene busted.
The only way to set things right is to get him back and that's what I'm going to do, even if it kills me.
- It might kill you.
- Huh? Look, I think I got this thing set in reverse but it's kind of hard to tell.
It will either transport you to Buyayne's Mansion or Or melt you like an army man over a lit match.
Kick it! [ motor whirring .]
[ snoring .]
[ whirring continues .]
[ snoring .]
[ snoring continues .]
Chett? What are you doing here? Surely you didn't come to Texas of your own free will? Listen up.
You got to go back to Lisa.
- She's crazy about you.
- Unfortunately, I have no say in the matter.
I am bound to serve the one who summons me.
Yeah, well, I summoned you and I'm Wait a minute.
You mean, since I, uh? Yes, yes.
Anything your little heart desires.
- A billion dollars.
- Oh, that's new.
Hot chow! A billion samolians! Anything else, my predictable new master? Well, yeah.
You bet your silky drawers there's something else.
Let's see.
I wish, uh hmm I wish I thought you were an okay guy.
You've done some rotten things okay guy I'll never be with you now.
[ sighs .]
I wish for your freedom.
My freedom? Really? Ha! I'm free! - Aw, groovy! - Yeah.
Just - be good to Lisa, okay? - Lisa? [ laughs .]
I'm afraid that's impossible.
Oh, sure, she's good fun but she's not relationship material.
You've been rubbing noses with somebody else? Guilty as charged.
Oh.
Well, how about I teach you to rub noses with my fist.
Well, bravo.
I certainly had that coming.
What in the name of Troy Aikman is going on here? Chett here just freed me, you cud-munching troglodyte and my first act as a free genie is to claim the hand of my true love.
- Muffin! - Marie?! Oh, dearie me.
Isn't this awkward? Uh, I was talking about Lupe.
- Senor Gene! - [ chuckles .]
Oh! Give me some sugar, baby.
Yo.
Smokey.
Doesn't it bother you you're going to break Lisa's heart? Well, of course it pains me.
You think I like being a cad? It's my curse.
Keep an eye on Sunday's game, Boyd because your little cowboys are going down.
Not my cowboys! You better not zap my cowboys.
Here goes nothing.
Where are they? They should be back by now, shouldn't they? Uh, I'm sure they'll by zapping in any minute.
Be patient.
Chett's a marine.
Covert Ops are his specialty.
Gee.
I wonder who this is from.
"Dear Lisa.
Chett freed me.
"I'm off to see the universe.
I'll never forget the time we spent together but I've run off with the maid.
"Hope this expensive gift will take the sting out of it.
Fondly, Gene.
" Ouch.
Well, wa-hoo.
It was horrible! An ugly, bloody blur.
That crazy cowboy wouldn't let him go! Guns, dogs, land mines.
But Gene Gene was a hero.
That damn brave fool.
He ate a grenade to save me.
Lisa, he died with your name on his lips.
[ sobbing .]
A grenade killed the 4,000 years old immportal genie? - Uh a genie-killing grenade.
- And he was thinking about me, huh? Right.
So you shouldn't be heartbroken about him blowing up or anything because he really loved you.
- What else did Gene say? - Oh.
Um well, he said you were absolutely perfect.
Funny kind heart-stoppingly beautiful.
Every time he is with you he feels like he really matters.
He said you're the kind of girl who a loser like him can only dream about.
- Gene said all that? - With a grenade in his mouth? Oh, yeah.
And he wanted you to have this.
He made it himself.
This is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever given me.
It's a shame I can't think Gene-- him being dead and all-- But I can thank you for you know delievering his last message.
I'm going to go now.
Oh, shut your pie holes.
He did a nice thing.
And if you'll excuse me I'm putting this over my computer.
I can't seem to find the right man.
Maybe it's not a man you should be looking for.
You think I might find happiness in the animal kingdom, ducky? - Oh, sorry.
- My mistake.
- My fault.
- Go ahead.
Captioned by Grant Brown