Weird Science s05e04 Episode Script
Gary Had a Little Cram
WYATT: Guys, I know this looks weird but I got ot make sure this envelope arrives in one piece.
You got to be kidding.
Nobody stresses this much over a college application.
Hey! My entire future is going ot be in the hands of the US postal service.
I'm entitled to little stress.
Brace yourselves.
This one's going to be a Lulu.
WYATT: So far so good.
Now for the flame test.
Not even signed.
WYATT: And finally, the Chett test.
Maybe I should wait till the postman comes by.
Will you just mail the stupid thing? Geez, you believe this guy? We've been seniors ten minutes and already he's worried about college.
Who isn't? I've got applications out to eight schools.
Seniors are supposed to skip school go to parties, abuse freshmen not worry about the future.
In a way, he's right.
We should have sent off our applications when we were juniors.
I didn't want to look too eager.
So why did you write "You may have already won" on the front of your totally indestructible envelope? How are they going to open it when it gets there? Oh, man! Oh, man! Indestructible envelopes? They didn't mention that on college day? - We had a college day? - Months ago.
Didn't you hear about it from your guidance counselor? I have a guidance counselor? Gary, have you even thought about college? Sure, but I figured all I had to do was graduate.
They automatically bumped me up when I left Junior High.
- Aren't you the least bit worried? - What for? College is a whole year away.
Nobody else around here is worried about it.
Are they? Ty, you made any decisions about college yet? You bet.
Radcliffe.
Math and chemistry, double major.
Since when are you interested in math and chemistry? GARY: "Playpen's Girls of the Ivy League?" Hmm.
Math major.
Chemistry major.
Sarah Lawrence, women's studies.
DeVry technical institute if they'll have me.
I'm thinking Evergreen.
I'm going to Texas Tech.
A little place called Drew.
Florida State Okay, everybody else is going to college.
So what? Doesn't mean I'm going to be left behind.
I'll just make my work in the real world.
You'll be in school learning about the things I'll be out there doing.
You don't have to go to college if you don't want to.
I don't need to.
There are plenty of opportunities for a guy like me.
My future's going to turn out fine.
This is big business, not a parlor game.
A corporate takeover's supposed to be bloody and if we have to wipe out a small mining town to do it.
Well then, so be it.
At least, that's what I think he said.
- Kind of hard to hear through the stall.
- [ man sighing .]
- Altoid? - Uh-uh.
[ toliet flushing .]
Who am I kidding? You got to help me get into college.
WYATT: You're making the right choice applying to Paxton.
It's a smaller school but rated one of the best in the country.
The Donnelly men have gone there for six generations.
I am telling you it's an undiscovered gem.
I just want to go where you're going.
Cool.
Thanks, man.
I'm not going to cry.
No, I am not going to cry.
I didn't know you were programmed to do domestic work.
- How about whipping me up a sandwich? - Watch it.
I'm fully capable of whipping you into a sandwich.
- I'm making this for Gary.
- Why don't you just zap up a cup? - He hates instant.
- You really think that lollapa-loser is going to cram four years of college prep into ten days? Not without a heaping helping of your hoodoo.
Wyatt and I are to support Gary, not help him cheat.
He's got to get in on his own merit.
Personally, I think he's up to it.
- He's not as dumb as you think.
- You wrote down the wrong race.
Uh-huh.
I'm 1/16 sioux indian.
My great-great grandfather fought with General Custer.
That doesn't make you Native American.
He switched sides when he saw how the battle was going.
- How is it coming along? - Ask slinging bull.
All I know is unless Wallace has nude photos of the Dean he'd better get down on his knobby knees and beg sexy Hexie for a wish.
Oh, man, I cannot take another practice test.
- I give up.
- You can't.
You can't.
Your SAT score is the first place they look on your application.
Let's, uh, let's just try some analogies again, okay? Oh, God.
Okay "Black is to white as dog is to?" - "D.
" - No, no.
"D" the correct answer is "A"-- a cat.
- Huh? - The opposite of black is white.
- So the opposite of dog is cat.
- But a dog and a cat are the same-- - Four paws, furry, house pet.
- Cat! - Cat! Cat! - Let's just move on, okay? Let's uh Let's try some geometry.
Oh, God.
You want me to give you Gary Wallace a college recommendation? Just a little one? [ snorts .]
[ laughing .]
[ laughing .]
[ school bell ringing .]
[ laughing .]
[ laughing .]
[ laughing .]
[ woman groaning .]
[ laughing .]
[ laughing .]
Gary Wallace.
[ laughing .]
[ bell rings .]
[ laughing .]
Mr.
Wallace about that recommendation you asked me to - Glad you got your jollies off.
- Precisely, lad.
My jollies haven't gotten off like that in 40-odd years.
That's worth something.
It is? You'll have your recommendation in the morning.
I trust that someday, somewhere you'll give some unsuspecting Dean as hearty a guffaw as you've given me.
What do we have here? I have to write an essay on why I want to go to college only I can't get past the first line.
"College is neat.
" I see better writing when I'm melting urinal cakes.
Ignore him, Gary.
You got it in you.
Deep down inside is the soul of an artist just waiting to get out.
Hold on a second.
Why wait? Gary, meet your Poet Within.
Your inner soul.
Can you write an essay on why I want to go ot college? Wow! He's is a poet.
You can tell from the 'tube.
"College is neato.
" Man, my inner soul blows chunks.
[ bell rings .]
[ bell rings .]
Whoo! Whoo! Hey.
.
! I can't mail this.
This isn't enough to get me in.
- I just know it.
- What are you talking about? You've improved your SAT scores.
You got a recommendation.
- Even your grades are going up.
- There's a lot of good stuff here.
It all screams "poor to avenge.
" I need your help, Lis.
- What kind of help? - Well, if I were to letter in a sport it would really help me stand out from the crowd.
They'd want me for sure.
You could make that happen.
No.
We said no cheating.
Yeah, you've done everything up to now on your own.
Why would you ruin it with magic? Just a little push over the top is all I'm asking.
I've never done anything that ever mattered in my whole life.
Oh, come on.
You've accomplished stuff before.
- Like what? - Well, what about the time you? - Uh - There was that thing he did - Uh-huh.
- Once.
- Uh - Uh Okay, it's a magical cap.
Just buckle the chin strap and go.
Man, everyone's going to laugh at me.
Couldn't you just give me, like a magical jock strap or something? You really want that stuff south of the border? I'll stick with the cap.
- Are you sure this'll get him into college? - Worked for Forrest Gump.
Uh-uh.
Hey.
- Hey, you can use this lane if you want to.
- Thanks.
My name's Buford.
People call me "Bubba.
" My name's Gary Wallace.
People call me "Gary Wallace.
" Hey, look.
Scampi's here.
Shrimp Scampi? Runners, take your marks.
You know, there's all kinds of Shrimp.
Shrimp salad shrimp coctail Hmm.
That's about it.
Set Who in the hell is that? Gary Wallace just a local idiot.
[ laughing .]
Hey, you sure are fast.
I think you set a record.
- Really? You think so? - Oh, I know so.
Name's Harold Byer.
I recruit for the Princeton University Athletic Department.
- Cool! Gary, Gary Wallace.
- I've never seen anybody run like you.
And that hat-- you don't even care about the wind resistance.
By the way, I admire the cheeky nod to hermes the mythological messenger god.
- Shows you're a thinking's athlete.
- Uh yeah, read my mind.
You better get ready.
With talent like you got colleges are going to be busting down your door.
- All right.
- Walk with me.
ANNOUNCER: So Wallace once again stomps the competition.
As expected, Bob, there's isn't a single record he hasn't obliterated in the past two days.
But what really makes him stand out is that incongruous hat.
He's got style, Bob.
He's the Dennis Rodman of track and field.
The question on everyone's mind is-- which lucky university is going to snag this young superstar? [ rapid knocking .]
GARY: Help! Let me in! Wyatt! - Let me in! Let me in! - Come to Princeton! We got a great deal for you at SMU bet back, you jackals! - [ crowd shouting .]
- Boston Univ Why not just tell them you're going to Paxton and get it done with, huh? You, uh you are still going to Paxton remember, huh? You and me together.
- Yeah, I remember, but I - You're going to Princeton.
I knew it.
A little school like Paxton can't compete with the bells and whistles of the Ivy League.
- I wouldn't jump to conclusions.
- Yeah, I'm not going to Princeton.
- Good.
- Who needs Princeton? If I win my next big race I'll be the new celebrity spokeman for Astro Wave sneakers.
Skip college altogether and turn pro.
I thought you wanted to go to college accomplish something.
What's all this about turning pro? The only reason people go to college is so they can snag a good job and earn some money, right? I'm just skipping to the good past.
Professional track athletes don't make money.
They work part time at home depot and they live with their parents.
- Not if they got what I got.
- Blind arrogance? - Endorsements.
- Gary Gary, this is a really bad plan.
You're basing your professional career on Lisa's magic.
- Do you see the danger? - I know I do.
It was hard enough for me just trying to get into college.
What do you think is going to happen when I actually go? So, you're taking the easy way out.
Of course, I am.
It's easier.
ANNCOUNER: Once again, Bob, all eyes are on Gary Wallace.
BOB: Marv, the folks at Astro Wave sneakers have the media out in force.
- Wallace has to win this race - And test negative for drugs.
and he's a lock to be Astro Wave's new celebrity spokesman.
WOMAN: Gary, over here.
It's for TV.
TV, of course.
MAN: Take your mark Should have taken my chance with the magic jock.
Great.
Katie got accepted to college.
Now I have two reasons to be jealous of her.
My dorm room's on the fifth floor.
Right across from her.
Hey, Wy, congrats on getting accepted to Paxton.
Thanks.
You heard anything yet? Yeah.
I got accepted to Stanford and Berkeley.
- Great.
- I can't go to both though.
- Can I have one? - [ laughing .]
Oh, Gary I really screwed up this time.
I know I missed the deadline for the fall semester but do you think I might get in this spring? Anything possible.
What's this? "Dear Mr.
Wallace: this is to inform you" I don't believe this.
It's from Paxton University.
I've been accepted for the fall semester.
How did this happen? You remember that perfectly good application you worked so hard at? The one that got ignored in the wake of your ego-feeding media frenzy? I kind of sent it out.
I meant how did you get it in my locker? You're welcome.
You really came through for me, Wy.
I want you to know I'm a changed man.
No more being a slacker.
I've learned my lesson.
What do you say we skip class and go celebrate? SCAMPI: Attention, students the Social Committee is sponsoring a party this Friday honoring Farber's college-bound seniors.
I expect to see all of you there.
Except, of course [ laughing continues .]
Captioned by Grant Brown
You got to be kidding.
Nobody stresses this much over a college application.
Hey! My entire future is going ot be in the hands of the US postal service.
I'm entitled to little stress.
Brace yourselves.
This one's going to be a Lulu.
WYATT: So far so good.
Now for the flame test.
Not even signed.
WYATT: And finally, the Chett test.
Maybe I should wait till the postman comes by.
Will you just mail the stupid thing? Geez, you believe this guy? We've been seniors ten minutes and already he's worried about college.
Who isn't? I've got applications out to eight schools.
Seniors are supposed to skip school go to parties, abuse freshmen not worry about the future.
In a way, he's right.
We should have sent off our applications when we were juniors.
I didn't want to look too eager.
So why did you write "You may have already won" on the front of your totally indestructible envelope? How are they going to open it when it gets there? Oh, man! Oh, man! Indestructible envelopes? They didn't mention that on college day? - We had a college day? - Months ago.
Didn't you hear about it from your guidance counselor? I have a guidance counselor? Gary, have you even thought about college? Sure, but I figured all I had to do was graduate.
They automatically bumped me up when I left Junior High.
- Aren't you the least bit worried? - What for? College is a whole year away.
Nobody else around here is worried about it.
Are they? Ty, you made any decisions about college yet? You bet.
Radcliffe.
Math and chemistry, double major.
Since when are you interested in math and chemistry? GARY: "Playpen's Girls of the Ivy League?" Hmm.
Math major.
Chemistry major.
Sarah Lawrence, women's studies.
DeVry technical institute if they'll have me.
I'm thinking Evergreen.
I'm going to Texas Tech.
A little place called Drew.
Florida State Okay, everybody else is going to college.
So what? Doesn't mean I'm going to be left behind.
I'll just make my work in the real world.
You'll be in school learning about the things I'll be out there doing.
You don't have to go to college if you don't want to.
I don't need to.
There are plenty of opportunities for a guy like me.
My future's going to turn out fine.
This is big business, not a parlor game.
A corporate takeover's supposed to be bloody and if we have to wipe out a small mining town to do it.
Well then, so be it.
At least, that's what I think he said.
- Kind of hard to hear through the stall.
- [ man sighing .]
- Altoid? - Uh-uh.
[ toliet flushing .]
Who am I kidding? You got to help me get into college.
WYATT: You're making the right choice applying to Paxton.
It's a smaller school but rated one of the best in the country.
The Donnelly men have gone there for six generations.
I am telling you it's an undiscovered gem.
I just want to go where you're going.
Cool.
Thanks, man.
I'm not going to cry.
No, I am not going to cry.
I didn't know you were programmed to do domestic work.
- How about whipping me up a sandwich? - Watch it.
I'm fully capable of whipping you into a sandwich.
- I'm making this for Gary.
- Why don't you just zap up a cup? - He hates instant.
- You really think that lollapa-loser is going to cram four years of college prep into ten days? Not without a heaping helping of your hoodoo.
Wyatt and I are to support Gary, not help him cheat.
He's got to get in on his own merit.
Personally, I think he's up to it.
- He's not as dumb as you think.
- You wrote down the wrong race.
Uh-huh.
I'm 1/16 sioux indian.
My great-great grandfather fought with General Custer.
That doesn't make you Native American.
He switched sides when he saw how the battle was going.
- How is it coming along? - Ask slinging bull.
All I know is unless Wallace has nude photos of the Dean he'd better get down on his knobby knees and beg sexy Hexie for a wish.
Oh, man, I cannot take another practice test.
- I give up.
- You can't.
You can't.
Your SAT score is the first place they look on your application.
Let's, uh, let's just try some analogies again, okay? Oh, God.
Okay "Black is to white as dog is to?" - "D.
" - No, no.
"D" the correct answer is "A"-- a cat.
- Huh? - The opposite of black is white.
- So the opposite of dog is cat.
- But a dog and a cat are the same-- - Four paws, furry, house pet.
- Cat! - Cat! Cat! - Let's just move on, okay? Let's uh Let's try some geometry.
Oh, God.
You want me to give you Gary Wallace a college recommendation? Just a little one? [ snorts .]
[ laughing .]
[ laughing .]
[ school bell ringing .]
[ laughing .]
[ laughing .]
[ laughing .]
[ woman groaning .]
[ laughing .]
[ laughing .]
Gary Wallace.
[ laughing .]
[ bell rings .]
[ laughing .]
Mr.
Wallace about that recommendation you asked me to - Glad you got your jollies off.
- Precisely, lad.
My jollies haven't gotten off like that in 40-odd years.
That's worth something.
It is? You'll have your recommendation in the morning.
I trust that someday, somewhere you'll give some unsuspecting Dean as hearty a guffaw as you've given me.
What do we have here? I have to write an essay on why I want to go to college only I can't get past the first line.
"College is neat.
" I see better writing when I'm melting urinal cakes.
Ignore him, Gary.
You got it in you.
Deep down inside is the soul of an artist just waiting to get out.
Hold on a second.
Why wait? Gary, meet your Poet Within.
Your inner soul.
Can you write an essay on why I want to go ot college? Wow! He's is a poet.
You can tell from the 'tube.
"College is neato.
" Man, my inner soul blows chunks.
[ bell rings .]
[ bell rings .]
Whoo! Whoo! Hey.
.
! I can't mail this.
This isn't enough to get me in.
- I just know it.
- What are you talking about? You've improved your SAT scores.
You got a recommendation.
- Even your grades are going up.
- There's a lot of good stuff here.
It all screams "poor to avenge.
" I need your help, Lis.
- What kind of help? - Well, if I were to letter in a sport it would really help me stand out from the crowd.
They'd want me for sure.
You could make that happen.
No.
We said no cheating.
Yeah, you've done everything up to now on your own.
Why would you ruin it with magic? Just a little push over the top is all I'm asking.
I've never done anything that ever mattered in my whole life.
Oh, come on.
You've accomplished stuff before.
- Like what? - Well, what about the time you? - Uh - There was that thing he did - Uh-huh.
- Once.
- Uh - Uh Okay, it's a magical cap.
Just buckle the chin strap and go.
Man, everyone's going to laugh at me.
Couldn't you just give me, like a magical jock strap or something? You really want that stuff south of the border? I'll stick with the cap.
- Are you sure this'll get him into college? - Worked for Forrest Gump.
Uh-uh.
Hey.
- Hey, you can use this lane if you want to.
- Thanks.
My name's Buford.
People call me "Bubba.
" My name's Gary Wallace.
People call me "Gary Wallace.
" Hey, look.
Scampi's here.
Shrimp Scampi? Runners, take your marks.
You know, there's all kinds of Shrimp.
Shrimp salad shrimp coctail Hmm.
That's about it.
Set Who in the hell is that? Gary Wallace just a local idiot.
[ laughing .]
Hey, you sure are fast.
I think you set a record.
- Really? You think so? - Oh, I know so.
Name's Harold Byer.
I recruit for the Princeton University Athletic Department.
- Cool! Gary, Gary Wallace.
- I've never seen anybody run like you.
And that hat-- you don't even care about the wind resistance.
By the way, I admire the cheeky nod to hermes the mythological messenger god.
- Shows you're a thinking's athlete.
- Uh yeah, read my mind.
You better get ready.
With talent like you got colleges are going to be busting down your door.
- All right.
- Walk with me.
ANNOUNCER: So Wallace once again stomps the competition.
As expected, Bob, there's isn't a single record he hasn't obliterated in the past two days.
But what really makes him stand out is that incongruous hat.
He's got style, Bob.
He's the Dennis Rodman of track and field.
The question on everyone's mind is-- which lucky university is going to snag this young superstar? [ rapid knocking .]
GARY: Help! Let me in! Wyatt! - Let me in! Let me in! - Come to Princeton! We got a great deal for you at SMU bet back, you jackals! - [ crowd shouting .]
- Boston Univ Why not just tell them you're going to Paxton and get it done with, huh? You, uh you are still going to Paxton remember, huh? You and me together.
- Yeah, I remember, but I - You're going to Princeton.
I knew it.
A little school like Paxton can't compete with the bells and whistles of the Ivy League.
- I wouldn't jump to conclusions.
- Yeah, I'm not going to Princeton.
- Good.
- Who needs Princeton? If I win my next big race I'll be the new celebrity spokeman for Astro Wave sneakers.
Skip college altogether and turn pro.
I thought you wanted to go to college accomplish something.
What's all this about turning pro? The only reason people go to college is so they can snag a good job and earn some money, right? I'm just skipping to the good past.
Professional track athletes don't make money.
They work part time at home depot and they live with their parents.
- Not if they got what I got.
- Blind arrogance? - Endorsements.
- Gary Gary, this is a really bad plan.
You're basing your professional career on Lisa's magic.
- Do you see the danger? - I know I do.
It was hard enough for me just trying to get into college.
What do you think is going to happen when I actually go? So, you're taking the easy way out.
Of course, I am.
It's easier.
ANNCOUNER: Once again, Bob, all eyes are on Gary Wallace.
BOB: Marv, the folks at Astro Wave sneakers have the media out in force.
- Wallace has to win this race - And test negative for drugs.
and he's a lock to be Astro Wave's new celebrity spokesman.
WOMAN: Gary, over here.
It's for TV.
TV, of course.
MAN: Take your mark Should have taken my chance with the magic jock.
Great.
Katie got accepted to college.
Now I have two reasons to be jealous of her.
My dorm room's on the fifth floor.
Right across from her.
Hey, Wy, congrats on getting accepted to Paxton.
Thanks.
You heard anything yet? Yeah.
I got accepted to Stanford and Berkeley.
- Great.
- I can't go to both though.
- Can I have one? - [ laughing .]
Oh, Gary I really screwed up this time.
I know I missed the deadline for the fall semester but do you think I might get in this spring? Anything possible.
What's this? "Dear Mr.
Wallace: this is to inform you" I don't believe this.
It's from Paxton University.
I've been accepted for the fall semester.
How did this happen? You remember that perfectly good application you worked so hard at? The one that got ignored in the wake of your ego-feeding media frenzy? I kind of sent it out.
I meant how did you get it in my locker? You're welcome.
You really came through for me, Wy.
I want you to know I'm a changed man.
No more being a slacker.
I've learned my lesson.
What do you say we skip class and go celebrate? SCAMPI: Attention, students the Social Committee is sponsoring a party this Friday honoring Farber's college-bound seniors.
I expect to see all of you there.
Except, of course [ laughing continues .]
Captioned by Grant Brown