Wellmania (2023) s01e07 Episode Script

1
[soft music playing]
[ocean waves crashing]
[exhales]
[exhales deeply]
[Chad] You okay, Ms. Healy?
You're not gonna
faint like last time, are you?
Uh, no.
Are they my results?
Oh, yeah.
- The psych test was surprisingly easy.
- Mm-hmm.
I thought he'd ask more questions,
although I'm happy he didn't keep probing.
Very well-put-together human over here,
according to all the professionals.
Mm-hmm.
Ms. Healy, are you sure you're okay?
[sighs] Yeah.
If you're experiencing any symptoms
you think will interfere
with your green card application,
you're legally obliged to tell us.
[sighs] I'm fine.
Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.
Oh, God, did I pass?
[heart beating rapidly]
Ms. Healy,
welcome back
to the United States of America.
- Are you fucking serious?
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God, are you fucking serious? Chad!
USA!
U-S-A!
You're the best! Oh, it's this guy!
I'm going home! [cheering excitedly]
[Chad] Ms. Healy! Please
- They don't care. Sorry.
- Please don't touch the flag.
- My my flag.
- This is God, it's all you!
You should get paid more.
Thank you for your service!
- God bless America!
- Um, okay.
America!
You can call me the good-time girl ♪
[knocking on door]
Hi, Dr. S. Hi.
Um, I just wanted
to stop by and give you this.
My impressive results.
I thought it might inspire
some of your other patients.
I'll just pop it here.
And I wanted to thank you
for always believing in me.
I didn't.
I 100% thought you would fail
and possibly end up in prison.
Or that's what you wanted me to think
so I'd push myself harder.
Inaccurate.
Well, I'm flying out tonight, finally,
but I'd really like it
if we could stay in touch.
Absolutely not. Now, get out of my office.
Hey, why don't we squeeze in
a quick little Pap smear
and gab about our childhood crushes?
No? Okay.
But seriously, thank you.
You may not have wanted to or meant to,
but you changed my life.
I'm genuinely concerned about you.
- I love you too.
- Not what I said.
You may have passed your medical,
but you have other issues.
Hey, don't sweat it. I'll be good as gold
as soon as I get back to New York.
I am gonna miss
our fun little dynamic though.
[Dr. Singh] Mm-hmm.
There it is.
Uh, no, glitter's tacky.
Let's go the Chippendale route.
You look amazing. Gaz is gonna love this.
- You look like Janet Jackson.
- Right?
Oh, the cake is on its way.
Operation Dessert Storm is on track.
Dessert? Wow, that's tacky.
Thank you so much for helping.
Oh, fellas.
There's enough helium in here
to power a dick-shaped rocket to the moon.
- You're welcome.
- [phone chimes]
Oh, brilliant. The peonies are en route.
- Can't believe you got them out of season.
- I know. His wedding is locked and loaded.
- And your flight?
- Uh, yeah, 9:30.
So after the ceremony,
I'll mingle a little bit.
I'm gonna give the best speech,
everyone's gonna cry,
and then straight to the airport.
- [Amy] Mmm.
- Mmm?
- What's this? What's going on?
- On antibiotics.
Feeling a little spicy in the UTI region.
Oh, bummer.
Ugh, yeah, but so worth it.
Doug has made me cum
in ways I have never cum before.
Oh, well, you're welcome.
All right, let's roll.
- Perfect wedding. Let's rock this fucker.
- [Amy chuckles]
[up-tempo music playing]
Oi, Gaz. Wed shred's paid off, huh?
Oh. [chuckles awkwardly] Yeah, good one.
Have a good class, eh?
[Isaac] Oh, thanks, man.
Oh!
I hate to bother you on your big day,
but reckon you can help me
with some technique on the leg machine?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, of course.
- Sweet. Thanks, man.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
[people cheering]
This one goes out to Gaz and Dalbert.
You don't want anybody else ♪
When you think about Dal
You touch yourself ♪
- [mic feedback whines]
- Shit, sorry, sorry.
You won't fuck anybody else ever ♪
Ever again ♪
Hi!
It's time for the celebratory
cutting of the cock.
The cake The The cock cake. Ah.
- Wow, um
- [Liv] Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Whoa, okay.
Uh. Yeah, okay, I feel weird.
Are the strippers a bit much?
I mean, I'm into it, but
No, this It's good, it's great.
This is great. I just I think, um
I think I just went a bit too hard
on the spin this morning.
[Amy] Trying to cycle off
those pre-wedding jitters?
Something like that.
Well, you don't need to worry about it,
because I've organized
a full spa day of relaxation
for you and Dal
to get ready for the big A.
"Big A"? Jeez, Liv, that's your brother.
Oh, my God, Amy. Aisle.
Are you sex-obsessed much?
- I can't. I can't.
- Why?
[sputters] I've got my suit to collect.
I've got bombonieres to arrange.
- I've got flowers to pick up. I don't
- Hey, hey, hey.
All organized. Yeah.
I heard you, Gaz. No more selfish Liv.
Today is all about you, all right?
I'm gonna make it awesome,
but you just have to
Lean into it ♪
You're never gonna fuck anybody else ♪
Don't look at me. Look at her.
My edible just kicked in.
Anybody else ♪
[Gaz] Amy?
[tranquil music playing]
Wow. [chuckles]
- We can sit down?
- Yeah.
Welcome to Nirvana's Nest.
My name is Greta.
I'll be your relaxation mentor.
Blue-green algae mimosa?
- Yes. Yes? Yes, please.
- Yeah.
Oh, this place is really nice.
Yeah. Don't be so shocked.
I told you I've got you.
- Thank you.
- [Lorraine] I'm just here to meet my son.
Oh, no. No, thank you.
Wait, you invited Mum?
- [Lorraine] I've got allergies.
- You love Mum.
I don't love the prospect
of you two going at each other.
No, we're adults.
We can be civil, all right?
Today's all about what you want. Watch.
- Hello, Lorraine. Lovely to see you.
- Oh. [coughs] It's a bit whiffy in here.
Feels like my nostrils
are having a seizure.
Ready for some indulgent pampering?
There's only five hours to go-time.
Mr. Healy, if you would like to follow me
to the marinating grotto.
- You're up, Gazaroo.
- Oh, okay.
Keep your undies on.
- What? Seriously?
- Mmm.
[masseuse] Your back is disgusting.
- Yuck.
- Excuse me?
It's tighter than a cat's bumhole.
Well, it's my wedding today,
so I guess I've been a bit stressed.
But that's normal, right?
[masseuse] Ugh!
So much guilt in these muscles. Yuck.
- You're really not talking to me?
- Do you see Gaz?
[sighs] Fine, let's just
get through the day. We'll talk tomorrow.
But just so you know,
I'm not saying sorry. [squeals]
You almost cost me
the biggest opportunity of my career.
You're healthier than you've ever been.
You're at your brother's wedding.
[laughing]
Could you please stop laughing
while I'm trying to yell at you?
Can you please stop yelling at me?
You should be thanking me.
Are you deranged?
I think it might be time
to put you in a home.
Losing your green card was the best thing
that ever happened to you.
I didn't lose it. You stole it.
Oh, my! [giggles]
- [woman] Hold still.
- I can't!
- Oh, my God. Stop gyrating.
- No, I can't!
- Ah!
- Oh, okay. Wow, you're right up in there.
- Oh!
- [both giggling]
See? It's very close to one's bajingo.
"Bajingo"?
Oh, my God!
Oh, dear.
This doesn't mean
I'm not still crazy angry at you.
Hey. Let's get out of here.
Um, I don't want anything over here
that says like, "Mother of the groom."
And if you could make him glassy.
I wanna be able to see
my reflection in his face. Thank you.
- [mouths] Glassy?
- And you, prune me, please.
All right, everyone,
let's sync our watches.
We've got exactly two hours
until aisle time.
We need to stick to schedule.
So I've been thinking
- Am I doing the right thing?
- What? Ow.
Having doubts before the wedding?
That's a bad omen.
What? He's not having doubts.
He's just thinking. Aren't you, Gaz?
Yeah, I'm not sure.
Oh, you've wanted to get married
ever since I can remember.
Right, but I mean, did we rush this?
Like, how do I know
that Dalbert is the one,
or if I'm even gonna be a good husband?
Oh, of course
you're going to be a good husband.
You're crazy about each other,
and Dalbert is a wonderful young man.
- Liv said he was pushy.
- When?
When he wouldn't let me
buy that candelabra.
And you also said
that I was much more fun with Se
Some of my past boyfriends.
I did say that.
But what the fuck would I know?
Well, it got in my head, and I
I did something stupid.
What happened, love?
- Flowers are here.
- Oh, thank God.
Fuck, what are those?
Black peonies. A very brave choice.
- No, okay, I didn't order black peo
- [florist clears throat]
No, I totally did.
Oh, yeah, I may have done this
when I was really high.
Black flowers? An omen of death.
Well, I can't have
death flowers at my wedding.
I've got some pink lilies
back at the warehouse.
I'll swap them over if you want.
Only take me half an hour,
45 minutes tops.
Absolutely not.
We We don't have any time.
May Maybe we do.
I think I need to talk to Dalbert.
No, hey, look,
you don't need to talk to Dalbert.
You're just having pre-wedding jitters.
It's totally normal.
Isn't it marriage 101?
I hate to admit it,
but I think she's right.
Yeah, and look. They're not death flowers.
They're kind of amazing.
- They'll be awesome on the 'Gram.
- Yeah, true. Hashtag "memorable peonies."
Uh, one of the doves, not doing so well.
We need some sugar water in here, stat.
Dead dove?
That's an omen of guilt and chaos.
I need to call Dalbert.
Talking to your betrothed
before the wedding? An omen
Oh, get fucked, Ozzy Osbourne.
Not everything is a bad omen.
And you need to chill, okay?
We're just having a few setbacks.
The dove's not even dead.
- [man] Oh, God, the dove's having a fit.
- [dove grunting]
I just need to get something off my chest.
Will talking to Dalbert
make you feel better?
Maybe. Yes.
I think so. Fuck, I I just can't
I can't marry him until I talk to him.
- Okay, I'll drive you.
- [Liv] Where are we going?
No, we have a schedule.
You don't have your things on.
Gaz. Gaz, move.
- Mum, give me the keys. Give me the keys!
- Hey.
- [yelps] Mind my hair.
- What the hell is wrong with you?
Come on, we don't have time for this.
Everyone is waiting for you
to walk down the aisle at 5:00, so let's
I'm sure people will be understanding.
- We can push it back by half an hour.
- Absolutely not, no way.
I have Tetris-ed everything perfectly
so I can give my speech
and still make my flight. So let's
Are you flying out tonight?
Yeah, the
The show launch got pulled forward, so
- Well, what about your green card?
- Well, I got another one.
And you didn't tell us?
Were you just gonna leave
without saying anything?
I don't know, Mum, but I didn't wanna
give you a chance to hide it again.
- [Lorraine groans]
- That's what this has all been about?
You don't actually care
about giving me a perfect wedding day.
All you care about is your show.
- No, that's not true
- We've lost the dove.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Looks like you're going to a funeral.
[Lorraine] Guess you ordered
the wedding car while you were high too.
Oh, okay, yeah, now that's a bad omen.
You know, maybe we've got a few minutes
to have a chat with Dalbert. Let's go.
[woman 1] You look incredible.
You're a genius. I'm obsessed.
[stylist] Aw.
Remember when we first met?
You were a fixer-upper.
Oh, yeah,
such a wrinkled little caterpillar
waiting to burst out
like a social butterfly.
- Oh, my God.
- Yes.
But now you're as hot
as a fucking Birkin full of coke.
[woman 2] Cute.
Okay, here's a toast to cash offers,
open-concept living,
and true love.
- To Dalbert and Gaz.
- [door opens]
- Gaz, what the fuck?
- [gasps] Hide his hair.
Ladies, we've just got
a little bit of a groom emergency,
and we've got
about 19 minutes to get it sorted.
- If you wanna have a quick
- Butt out, Liv.
Okay, wow.
Dal, um, can we have a chat?
Uh, you're getting married in a few hours.
Chat later.
This is important.
Babe, it's okay. I'm anxious too.
See, look at that.
Everything's totally fine. It's normal.
We're gonna go
I cheated on you.
- [all gasp]
- [Liv] Oh, my God, what?
[Lorraine exclaims]
- You slut.
- [Lorraine] Gaz!
Right.
Let's talk.
Well, you owe me $6.
Look, I don't have feelings for Sebastian.
I just [sputters] I got confused,
and I got in my head like I do,
and I just spiraled
Stop, please.
Why are you telling me all of this now?
Because I don't wanna start
our life together on a lie.
And I need you to know
that it meant nothing.
I was just having doubts, I guess.
About us?
No. No.
Maybe. I mean, about the wedding,
rushing into everything,
and you making all the decisions.
I felt like I was just along for the ride.
If I don't make the decisions,
then nothing gets done around here, Gaz.
- You know what you're like.
- Yeah, I I do know what I'm like.
And I know it was stupid.
The moment that Sebastian and I kissed,
I knew it was a huge mistake
because you're the one
I wanna spend my life with
But you had to go back to him
to figure that out.
I'm sorry.
Sorry doesn't cut it
if you can't talk to me.
I can't believe
Gaz would do that to Dalbert.
Well, we don't know the details.
- May not be as bad as it sounds.
- Yeah.
So you're making excuses for him?
No wonder he thinks his behavior's okay.
Thank you so much, Bianca,
but you can back off now.
It's Megan. That's Bianga.
Look at the facts.
Dalbert's like a luxury listing.
He's a sexy real estate agent
whose star is rising.
Gaz works at the gym.
Okay, well, you were punished
with a made-up name.
You might wanna get a little mint.
Okay, this is some
Real Housewives-level drama going on,
and I am here for it.
- My therapist told me to avoid conflict.
- [Lorraine scoffs]
How did that get here?
Dalbert bought it as a surprise for Gaz.
Oh, that selfless bastard.
I've really ruined everything, haven't I?
[sniffles]
Today was supposed to be
about us becoming a family.
It still can be.
Dal, you're my guy,
and I love you,
and I really, really
wanna marry you today.
Will you still marry me?
[inhales deeply]
["Dance Monkey"
by Vitamin String Quartet playing]
Does Dalbert not have any family?
Why are they bridesmaids?
What are they wearing?
I know. She looks like
she got dressed in the dark.
[officiant] Please stand.
Think they should be
going through with this?
- I feel like we should say something.
- Zip it, Olivia. Don't make a scene.
[music continues]
Hurt Dalbert, and we'll kill you.
Threaten my son again, and I'll kill you,
and no one will find
your emaciated, flayed bodies.
She's a psycho.
[officiant] So gay love.
[soft music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
Hello.
Ames. Ames.
My schedule's totally screwed.
I can't even stay for the dancing now.
Oh, but you'll miss me
busting out my classic party moves.
Oh, my God, stop it.
Oh. How are you feeling about your speech?
Well, you know, I've gotta make up
for the last 39 years
of disappointing my family.
- So I can't fuck it up.
- You're not gonna fuck it up.
Uh, it's me.
I fuck everything up, remember?
It's kind of my thing.
Mum and Gaz have never been more pissed.
[speaking indistinctly]
I just I just thought
I would have more time.
- It feels wrong leaving like this.
- [Doug] Ames.
Uh, quick. We've gotta
go write something on the advice tree.
Oh, I have a spreadsheet of thoughts.
Hey, make sure you guys add
that you need to remember
to pee after a massive fuck-fest.
- [Amy] Shut up, Liv.
- Oh, hello.
Good advice.
I was thinking maybe you could
save me a dance for later?
Oh, well, I could show you
some moves, but I can't.
I gotta bounce early to take my flight.
Oh.
- Oh, you're going to New York tonight?
- Yeah.
And, um, my schedule is really crunchy,
so I can't even stay for dessert.
Okay.
Well, I guess this is goodbye.
Yeah, I guess it is.
Hmm.
Unless, you know,
you wanna finally give in
to the ultimate temptation.
[Liv and Isaac moaning]
- [Liv] Oh, wow.
- [Isaac] Mmm.
- That's good.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Oof.
- Glad we're finally having our ice cream.
- Hmm.
I mean, it's kind of more of a
An oat-y cashew thing.
Yeah.
- It's nice though. I like it.
- It is good.
Yeah.
I gotta say,
coming home hasn't been easy, but
meeting you wasn't the worst.
Hmm.
Yeah. I'm actually gonna miss you.
Shit yeah, buddy, I'm missable.
Well, normally, this would be
the part where we kiss, but
Right.
Yeah.
Oh, one second.
[clears throat] Okay. Okay.
[Isaac] Mmm.
Fuck.
I just wish we met at a different time.
Yeah, I know.
Stop looking at me and eat your ice cream.
Yeah.
[indistinct chatter]
[music playing inside]
Hey.
Hey.
Wanna dance?
Do you wish that, um
you hadn't gone through with this?
I know that you're indecisive,
and that's fine
when we're picking wine glasses.
When it comes to us,
our relationship,
I need you to be sure.
Dal, I've never been more sure
of anything in my life.
If anything like this happens again,
you need to come to me.
- We need to be able to talk about this.
- Yeah, I know.
This isn't nothing, Gaz.
- This could've been the end of us.
- I know.
Dal, believe me, I know.
And I swear to you
that I'll never ever do anything
to jeopardize this, us,
ever again.
You are my life.
I just wish that I hadn't damaged this,
I hadn't been so stup
The most perfect life
is made up
of a lifetime of imperfect days.
I am so lucky
I get to spend them with you.
[indistinct chatter]
[distorted muffled sounds]
[phone chiming]
[Amy] Hey, babe, I've got this great idea.
You wanna role play
that we're sexy strangers at a wedding?
Yeah.
[softly] I'm gonna do my speech.
- Speech. [chuckles]
- [glass clinking]
Oh. [chuckles nervously]
[glasses clinking]
[distorted muffled sounds]
[breathing heavily]
[Amy] Woo! You got this, Liv.
[Liv breathing heavily]
Oh. Sorry.
Gaz
[clears throat]
I am a bit of a selfish prick,
you're right.
[guests laughing]
But, oh, my God, I'm just
I'm so happy to see you so happy.
You are the best brother,
the best trainer,
- and the best friend anyone could want.
- [guests] Aw.
I love you to my core.
[all laugh]
- Yeah?
- Not bad.
You guys need to drink more.
That was a funny joke.
[Liv clears throat]
And, Mum
despite what you've been through,
you've always been our rock.
Your resilience has held us together,
and your love has made us strong.
Thank you for being our oxygen.
Um
I know this is something that our
Our family don't really, um, talk about,
but there's someone missing today.
Dad.
You always called us
your awesome foursome.
You were the life of every party
and the heart of our family,
and I really wish you could be here
to share this with us.
He'd be so proud of you, Gaz.
[sniffling]
Oh, sorry.
And, Dalbert
thank you for loving my brother
as much as he deserves.
And thank you for buying
that fucking horrible candelabra.
Thanks to you, our family is four again.
Um [clears throat]
Uh, to Gaz and Dalbert.
[all] Gaz and Dalbert.
["Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now"
by Starship playing]
I'm so proud of you.
That was really sweet.
[Amy] Woo!
[Liv] What the fuck?
What?
I see a paradise ♪
This world that I found
Is too good to be ♪
Okay, this is really weird.
Uh, no, this is amazing.
Woo-hoo!
[Liv] Oh, my God.
Chad?
Let 'em say we're crazy ♪
I don't care 'bout that ♪
Put your hand in my hand ♪
Baby, don't ever look back ♪
I think we should be friends, Liv,
because you're such a healthy person.
We can make it if we're heart to heart ♪
And we can build this dream together ♪
Standing strong forever ♪
Nothing's gonna stop us now ♪
[overlapping muffled sounds]
[ocean waves crashing]
[Liv panting]
Fuck.
[Liv crying]
[overlapping muffled sounds]
[Amy] You got this, Liv.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
Liv?
Livvie, can you hear me?
[woman] Call an ambulance.
[soft music playing]