Wet Hot American Summer: Ten Years Later (2017) s01e01 Episode Script
Reunion
1 You guys, I'm really gonna miss this place.
Me too.
Hey, let's all promise that in ten years from today, we'll meet again and we'll see what kind of people we've blossomed into.
- Yeah! - I'll definitely be here.
I wouldn't miss it.
- What time you wanna meet? - You mean ten years from now? Yeah.
Let's meet in the morning so we can make a day of it.
Okay, so what is it? Is it, like, 9:00 or 9:30? Well, let's say 9:00.
That way, we can be here by 9:30.
- Yeah, that makes sense.
- Definitely.
Well, no, why don't we say 9:30 and then make it your beeswax to be here at 9:30? We're gonna be in our late 20s then.
I just don't see any reason why we can't be places on time.
Okay, then.
It's settled.
9:30 it is.
- All agreed? - Agreed.
- Yeah.
- Agreed.
Great, 'cause I have something at 11:00.
[scoffs.]
You just got a Trapper Keeper full of appointments, right? No, I have something at 11:00 that I can't change 'cause I already moved it twice.
[Katie.]
This is on the right track, but I think we need more of a classic feel to fit the brand.
Lose that, lose that, move this up there.
Circle that, circle that, move this here, that there, these up top, these underneath and then flip it.
Got it? - You got it, Katie.
- Good.
Then circle that, circle that.
Put that up there, move this, move that, this and that, these and those, that and that, all of that, all of this.
This, that, that, that, that and that.
- Katie, does this - No.
Any new thoughts on what the fall color will be? I'm still trying to crack it.
It's like I can see it in the corner of my mind's eye, and then I turn and look, and it's gone.
- [dance music playing.]
- [crowd cheering.]
Whoo! - Oh! [Laughs.]
- [women cheering.]
Oh! [Laughing.]
Three deep at the bar! This place is rockin' and a-sockin'! Youâre the man, Victor! Whoo! Upper East Side, baby, is where it's at! [chuckles.]
- Snap, crackle, and pop! - [song changes.]
- [both.]
Oh! - That's my cue! [women cheering.]
Everybody, look! Look at him! And table 45 is up.
There you go.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Presentation is everything.
Wait, wait, wait, wait! - Perfect.
- [chuckles.]
- I can't let you rent that.
- Is it reserved? I have a moral obligation to prevent any further decay of romantic expectations provided by the fallacy perpetuated by Hollywood romantic comedies.
Also, it's very derivative of Annie Hall.
I'm going to Tower Video.
Great! Why don't you go to a B.
Dalton Bookseller on the way, while you're at it? Honey! I need an eight-letter word that means a place where clothes are kept.
- Huh.
Vestiary? - Hmm.
Speaking of vestiaries, I cleared out a whole bedroom closet for you to use.
I told you, I only need one drawer.
Oh, come on! Look at that thing, Claire.
It's stuffed to the brim! We've been dating since we were at camp.
How embarrassing will it be if we show up to the reunion and we're still just hangin' out? When are we gonna take the next step? Mark, you know how important maintaining my independence is.
You mean maintaining that flea-trap studio down in the Village.
- Well, it's my flea trap.
- [sighs.]
Who says that we have to move in together or get hitched to prove we're committed? Oh, I don't know.
Society? Community? The general public? My parents! [Lindsay.]
Ready? Are we rolling yet? Here we go.
Let's go.
On today's "Puff Stuff," doggy treats gone gourmet? These East Side chefs think it could be something to bark about.
I'll have the full report on News at Noon.
Okay? We got it.
[alarm ringing.]
- Gonna miss the flight.
- [gasps.]
[sighs.]
Oh, my God.
We're gonna miss the flight.
Aw, my head! Counting Crows shows at the Viper Room are fun, but the after-parties are deadly.
Next time Eric Stoltz asks us to do Jäger bombs, we say no.
[baby cooing.]
Who's my little Ashley? Who's my little Ashley? Hey, Ben, we gotta get packed up and hit the road if we're gonna make it to camp before lunch.
You know traffic on 95 is gonna be a bear.
- Ben! - Huh? [sighs.]
Sorry, I was lost in my work.
These blueprints are literally kicking my ass.
They can kick your ass later.
We've got a reunion to get to.
I can't believe it's been ten years since our wedding at Firewood.
- [sighs.]
- What is it, babe? Well, none of them have seen me since I got my nose job.
You had a deviated septum.
You were snoring like crazy.
It was a medical issue.
Besides, you look exactly the same to me.
[sighs.]
Coop, I think this has the potential to be a once-in-a-generation memoir that really captures the zeitgeist of the early '90s.
Yes, yes.
But not yet, because it still doesn't have an ending.
I know, I know.
But how am I supposed to write an ending to a story I'm still living? That's something you're gonna have to figure out on your own.
Because without a boffo ending, I can't sell this.
No boffo.
It's the story of my life! [Scoffs.]
Look, take the weekend.
You're going up to this camp.
You talk about it in the book.
Camp "Fi-rey-woad.
" Firewood.
Maybe you can get some inspiration up there.
[man on radio.]
Good morning, New York City.
It's 7:30 on a hot summer day and there's a pileup on the BQE slowing traffic to a crawl.
Man, that was a long night.
Whoo! I ask you, my friend, is this not the life or what? Okay? I mean, getting paid to sling drinks for horny coeds.
- [laughing.]
- What? You're the best, man.
Truly, the absolute greatest.
Hey, I gotta ask you something.
Now that you're single, when are you gonna take advantage of this position? - You gotta take advantage, man! - What you talking about? I'm talking about the snizzy-lizzy, the muffin stuff.
Girls, Neil! Come on! You gotta get your jack waxed.
No, I don't think Shari would like that.
Shari? She dumped you, man.
Who gives a flying shit what Shari - Oh, hey, Shari.
- Hi, Victor.
Hi, Neil.
- Shari, what are you doing here? - I called but your machine was full.
I've got the rest of your stuff.
Ooh, awkward.
[Laughs.]
Hey, I'm gonna head upstairs and finish packing.
We're heading back to Camp Firewood for a little skunky, monkey, funky, trunky junkie.
[Laughing.]
- If you get my meaning.
- Always.
Hands down.
That's Vic.
He's the greatest.
He's the best.
Just one of a kind.
They broke the mold, etcetera.
You know the drill.
So, you guys are still doing that ten year reunion thing, huh? Yeah, well, we made a promise to meet up.
We don't just walk away from our commitments to each other, Shari.
Here's the rest of your stuff.
It's your Apple PowerBook 100.
- It's your inline skates.
- Love that.
It's your beeper.
It's a bunch of other things from 1991.
What happened to us, Shari? What did I do wrong? You didn't do nothing, Neil.
But I'm 26 now, and I want more out of life than eating corn dogs and watching horror flicks on your futon.
So, you just dump me for some artsy-fartsy fancy pants you met at an art gallery? His name is Brodfard Gilroy - Oh! - and he's cultured.
He's a professor at Columbia University, and he takes me places.
Classy places.
Places in Midtown.
I've been to the opera, Neil.
Have you ever even heard of Don Giovanni? - Sure.
That's He's like - [tires screeching.]
Hey, you must be Neil.
I've heard so much about you.
- Really? - No.
That's just a thing that people say.
Come on, Shari, we've got some motoring to do.
Hey, Neil, I'm having a little end-of-summer soirée at my country home up north later today.
You should stop by.
Bye, Neil.
[woman on radio.]
WTOS, New England's mountain of rock.
Here's a classic from 1981.
Feel it coming like a tidal wave I'm in over my head Dive deep and drown in your ocean Washed up and left for dead Okay, we are all set.
Hi! Hey! Are you Harriet? I must admit, I was expecting someone a little older.
No, I'm Renata.
Harriet called in sick at the last minute.
I'm her replacement.
[gasps.]
And this must be Ashley.
Yes, she is! [whispers.]
Who is this? - I booked us a nanny for the weekend.
- What? Why? [sighs.]
- Would you give us a minute? - Oh, my pleasure.
Hi, Ashley.
[both chuckle.]
What the hell, man? You just handed our baby to a stranger.
Mack, this nanny service is top-notch.
And we'll get more time to hang out with our friends.
You deserve it.
We both deserve it.
Ben, you have no idea how much is involved.
We don't even know if she can swaddle.
Of course she can swaddle.
I promise.
Now, this service is top-notch.
They got an A-plus from the Better Business Bureau.
Well, the BBB doesn't fool around.
She's beautiful.
Thank you! And don't worry.
I'm a great swaddler.
- Oh! We - Yeah.
Okay.
Claire, if your life were a movie, what would the title be? Uh, I don't know, Camera Shy? Uh, can anyone say, "Lame"? Put that thing down.
Hey, babe, did you remember to bring the box fan? Those cabins get really hot.
Uh, no, I thought you were bringing it.
J.
J.
, stop it! [gasps.]
There it is! Camp Firewood! Whoo-hoo! [Arty.]
Good morning, everybody.
Well, it's the last day of camp, so once again, it's time for all of you to grab that one last kiss, last dance, last [chuckles.]
Well, you know what I mean.
There are certain things I can't say on a family radio station, folks.
[Laughs.]
Buzz! Ah, y'all just got stung by your humble servant, the Beekeeper himself, manning the controls for the tenth summer in a row.
And preparations are in full swing for tonight's last blast, End of Summer Night's Dream Dance, up in the barn.
But that's gonna be a night time thang.
[hooting.]
Oh, and don't worry if you see any old fogies wandering around the grounds today.
The Firewood Class of 1981 has returned for their ten-year reunion.
And McKinley, if you're listening, I showered just last week.
- What's on your mind, Beth? - Another summer come and gone, Nance.
- Time sure flies.
- Yeah.
Some years I feel I've just barely kept it together.
- [sighs.]
- And ultimately I wonder, what is the point of it all? [car honks.]
- Beth! They're here! They're here! - Oh! Oh! [all shouting.]
Claire! Oh! - [laughs.]
Hey! - [car honks.]
Hey, I'm lost.
Does anyone know where Camp Firewood is? [all.]
Katie! It's so great! - Oh! - Look at you! - My gosh! Oh, gosh.
- Oh! - Hey! Hi, Nance.
- Oh, Katie! Um, where's Coop? Is he coming? Of course.
He's probably been planning on this for the past ten years.
- [Katie.]
Who is it? - [Mark.]
Who's in the taxi? What's up, bitches? Let's rage! - [all.]
Susie! - Yeah! - [Claire.]
Susie, you made it! - Of course I made it! What, am I gonna miss my camp reunion? I told those New Line execs who wanted me to stick around for a location shoot, "Screw that.
I'm goin' back to my roots.
" - Ooh.
- That is true.
She did actually say that.
That's true.
I was standing right there.
It was mental.
[gasps.]
[whispers.]
Oh, my God.
That is Garth MacArthur.
Have you ever seen the movie Espresso Compresso? It is getting huge buzz at Telluride.
- Garth MacArthur.
- Yes! - Uh, this is Garth, by the way.
- Hi.
He's the lead actor in the film that I'm producing slash co-executive producing.
And take a really good look at his face 'cause he's gonna be a huge star one day.
Stop it.
She's always buttering me up, aren't you? - Like a little crumpet or something.
- [both laugh.]
Garth, I would like to say that any friend of Susie's is so very welcome here at Camp Firewood.
So, does that include this ALF puppet that I stole from the Warner Brothers lot? - [all exclaiming.]
- [Mark.]
It's really ALF! [stammers.]
I'm a huge fan.
Espresso Compresso is amazing, obviously.
- But I also loved London Fog.
- Oh, you saw that? Yeah, yeah.
I'm a bit of a film buff.
I work at an alternative video store.
Oh, nice one, man.
We should, uh, grab a pint later.
Oh, my God! I would love that.
Black and Tan? [car honks.]
Whoo! [all.]
Victor! And Neil.
- Hey, Neil.
- Hi, Neil.
I brought a half a six pack! - Hi! - [Nancy.]
The baby is here! - The baby is here! - There she is! The baby is here! No, wait.
Nancy, you have not washed your hands yet.
- Oh, come on.
- No, you have not.
Hey, everyone.
This is our nanny, Renata.
- Hi.
- It's just for the weekend.
Susie! [both laughing.]
- Oh, my God! - You have a freaking baby! Hey, um, I don't know if you notice, but I I did.
Did it fix your deviated septum? - It did.
- That's all that matters.
- Oh, Sue.
- Aw.
You look amazing.
- Thanks.
- Even better than before.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Guys! - [all.]
Abby! Neil, Neil! Check it out, check it out! Abby Bernstein's here, and she's lookin' fly! - Wild.
- [chuckling.]
Oh, shit.
Dude, she's coming over here.
How do I look? - You look great, you look great.
- Yeah? - Hey, hey, hey.
- No one better.
- Hiya, Vic.
How you doing? - [chuckles nervously.]
You're still sportin' the perm, huh? It's all natural so That's what it is.
It just comes out this way.
That's great.
[stammers.]
What is your job, or whatever it is that you do? - I work for the Downtown Press, - Uh-huh.
And I write a sex and intimacy column, - Ah! - Which is It's a diary, kind of, really, - of my adventures with men and women.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
You know, whomever I meet.
[chuckles.]
I mean, you know.
- Ah! - You should check it out.
There's some hot stuff.
- [exhales sharply.]
- How about you? What are you up to? [both laugh.]
I think I'm gonna I've been I work at a bar.
That was good.
I timed it.
Hey, guys.
[all.]
Gary Chester Silverson! [car honks.]
- There's Coop! - [all exclaim.]
- Walla-walla-hoo! - [all.]
Walla-walla-hey! - Kim-chu-ay! - [all.]
Chu-ay! [all laugh.]
Hey, man! All right! - Coop! - Oh! Hey, Katie.
I've been thinking a lot about you, Coop.
I've been thinking a lot about you, too.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh, wow.
- [chuckles.]
- This is gonna be a really fun weekend.
Um Yeah, I I guess so.
- [Victor.]
Whoo! - [Beth.]
Okay, guys.
Hey, hey, hey.
Everybody, everybody, everybody.
Hand goes up, mouths go shut.
[all boo.]
You may all be in your mid-20s, but here at Firewood, you're campers.
Oh, come on, Beth.
- We're grown-ups now.
- [all murmuring.]
With social security cards and everything.
Yeah.
We drink wine.
And I'm, like, getting really into amber beers, like Schleinbach.
I like to curl up with a good book.
- Oh, yes.
- We all do, we all do.
Me, too.
I'm reading The Kitchen God's Wife by Amy Tan and loving it.
Well, this weekend, you're campers.
Sleeping assignments are as follows.
Boys are in bunk eight.
Girls, bunk six.
- [sighs.]
- And if I catch anybody sneaking out, you will miss group swim.
- Come on! - Just like old times.
McKinley, I gave you and Ben your own bunk, but only because you have a baby and I know you need your privacy.
[whispers.]
Thank you, Beth.
We have an action-packed 24 hours planned for you.
Oh, yeah? Beth, do you mean 24 hours, 3-6-9? - No, 65.
- 69? - Dirty dog.
- Right? [stammers.]
Like, when my wiener's in her like, near her face, and then her wiener or whatever that is, is near my face? - It's a vagina.
- Vagina.
And of course, the Shakespearean-inspired barn dance later tonight.
- Ooh! - Whoo! - Walla-walla-hoo! - [all.]
Walla-walla-hey! - Kim-chu-ay! - [all.]
Chu-ay! [Beth.]
Okay, go get unpacked, 'cause the first order of business is chill time by the water.
- Okay, here we go.
- You got this.
You got this.
- Yeah, buddy.
- Nice! Ah, rafter ball.
- You're going down, Gar.
- Go for it, man.
So, you and Claire still aren't married, huh? Yeah, she doesn't believe in societal institutions.
It sucks.
So I'm like, "Hey, if the cat's away, the mice will play.
" You know what I mean? [chuckles.]
I think I do, you dirty dog.
[both.]
Ah-boom-boom-boom, hey-yah! [both chuckle.]
And so, anyway, I said to her, "Sorry, Yasmine, but three is a crowd.
" - Yasmine Bleeth? - I can't say.
Obviously Bleeth.
Susie, what you've done with your career - is just amazing.
- Thank you.
And what's this thing you're working on right now? And who is this debonair British dreamboat? The film is called By the Grace of God and Ever After.
And it's being produced slash executive produced by me.
And Garth MacArthur is the lead and also maybe an associate producer, depending on the work he does on set.
And we're going out to Laura San Giacomo for the role of the mother.
- She's so - She's amazing.
And she's become a very good friend.
You're so creative.
It takes such a risk to do what you do, and just put it all out there and just create something out of nothing.
A film is like a baby.
And then you have it and then it goes out into the world and everybody else gets to pass it around.
- [Abby.]
Oh! - Oh, yeah.
- It really is like having a baby.
- Yeah, yeah.
I get that.
No, no.
It's very much like that.
Yeah, no, I really get that.
Having a film is like having a baby.
It's very, very much like that.
- You have to deliver the film - Yeah, no, I really get that.
It's such an interesting metaphor.
It's very much like having a baby.
Oh.
So, tell us about your makeup! I wanna know, what are the colors? - I brought samples! - [all screaming.]
[indistinct screaming.]
- Where? Where? Give it to me.
- Okay, okay, okay.
There's my girl.
Yeah.
There's my girl.
- Can I hold her? - Yeah.
Yeah! Hey, wait a second.
Don't worry about her.
She's fine.
McKinley, you have to calm down.
Renata's great.
She really knows what she's doing.
She's Top-notch.
I know, I know.
And her agency got an [both.]
A-plus rating from the Better Business Bureau.
[smack lips.]
They don't fool around.
That's why people trust them.
I know, I know, I know.
See, this is fantastic.
We can have fun and I can get some work done.
Those blueprints are literally kicking my ass.
Ooh-la-la! [chuckles.]
I banged half of bunk seven in this cot.
Oh, wow, that was a crazy night.
And since then I have been crazy with the ladies every night of the week.
Oh, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.
Hey, did he forget hump day? I think not! [Chuckling.]
Wow.
Heâs still a virgin.
Look at him.
Oh, man, I took some good naps on these camp beds back in the day.
Wonder if they still got the magic touch, if you know what I mean.
[Chuckles.]
Hey, you guys, wake me up in a couple hours.
Oh, yeah! Whoo! Oh, my God, Katie, look! - [all.]
Oh! - [Abby.]
Oh, my God, remember Andy? [all exclaim.]
Oh, you and Andy were such piping hot shit back in the day.
- [laughs.]
- How's he doing? Oh, gosh, I don't know.
I havenât heard from him in years.
Really? I thought you and Andy would see each other and then you'd climb into the wayback machine and just grind one out for old times' sake! [all laughing.]
Wait, what's a wayback machine? Is that a real thing? - No.
- You know, Andy was a girl's crush.
Iâm a woman now and I have my eyes set on someone a little bit more sophisticated this weekend.
- [Claire gasps.]
- Wait - [all.]
Coop? - [Katie.]
I know! I donât know what it is, but I think Iâm finally ready for him.
And I think, judging from the brief conversation that we just had, he might be ready for me.
- So, weâll see! - [all.]
Wow! Now, let's go back to unpacking.
Okay.
Oh, guys, I wanted to take a moment to say that it's so great to have you all back.
- The junior counselors from 1981.
- [laughs.]
I've been here a lot of years, eh, Nance? - Yeah.
Right on.
- But something about that particular summer was so very special to me.
A lot happened that summer.
President Reagan came and killed our friend Eric.
Our camp director got turned into a can of vegetables.
We went to town and shot heroin.
Skylab fell on us.
We almost played softball against Camp Tigerclaw, but then didn't.
Well, you know, it's like we always say, "You can leave Camp Firewood, but the spirit of Camp Firewood" - [all speaking indistinctly.]
- "never leaves you!" leave behind.
Anyway, enough with the feelings.
Let's have some fun! Chums, chums, chums On this we all agree [grunts.]
Oh, God! Hey, watch your step there, Fred Astaire.
Hey, that's not nice.
Oh, I'm just kidding.
I was having fun.
Nobody dances like Fred Astaire anymore.
- [J.
J.
.]
Ugh! Tell me about it.
- [beeping.]
[man 1.]
Command control, Mr.
Bojangles has asked you for his daily intel briefing.
[man 2.]
Affirmative.
Ready to report.
Me too.
Hey, let's all promise that in ten years from today, we'll meet again and we'll see what kind of people we've blossomed into.
- Yeah! - I'll definitely be here.
I wouldn't miss it.
- What time you wanna meet? - You mean ten years from now? Yeah.
Let's meet in the morning so we can make a day of it.
Okay, so what is it? Is it, like, 9:00 or 9:30? Well, let's say 9:00.
That way, we can be here by 9:30.
- Yeah, that makes sense.
- Definitely.
Well, no, why don't we say 9:30 and then make it your beeswax to be here at 9:30? We're gonna be in our late 20s then.
I just don't see any reason why we can't be places on time.
Okay, then.
It's settled.
9:30 it is.
- All agreed? - Agreed.
- Yeah.
- Agreed.
Great, 'cause I have something at 11:00.
[scoffs.]
You just got a Trapper Keeper full of appointments, right? No, I have something at 11:00 that I can't change 'cause I already moved it twice.
[Katie.]
This is on the right track, but I think we need more of a classic feel to fit the brand.
Lose that, lose that, move this up there.
Circle that, circle that, move this here, that there, these up top, these underneath and then flip it.
Got it? - You got it, Katie.
- Good.
Then circle that, circle that.
Put that up there, move this, move that, this and that, these and those, that and that, all of that, all of this.
This, that, that, that, that and that.
- Katie, does this - No.
Any new thoughts on what the fall color will be? I'm still trying to crack it.
It's like I can see it in the corner of my mind's eye, and then I turn and look, and it's gone.
- [dance music playing.]
- [crowd cheering.]
Whoo! - Oh! [Laughs.]
- [women cheering.]
Oh! [Laughing.]
Three deep at the bar! This place is rockin' and a-sockin'! Youâre the man, Victor! Whoo! Upper East Side, baby, is where it's at! [chuckles.]
- Snap, crackle, and pop! - [song changes.]
- [both.]
Oh! - That's my cue! [women cheering.]
Everybody, look! Look at him! And table 45 is up.
There you go.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Presentation is everything.
Wait, wait, wait, wait! - Perfect.
- [chuckles.]
- I can't let you rent that.
- Is it reserved? I have a moral obligation to prevent any further decay of romantic expectations provided by the fallacy perpetuated by Hollywood romantic comedies.
Also, it's very derivative of Annie Hall.
I'm going to Tower Video.
Great! Why don't you go to a B.
Dalton Bookseller on the way, while you're at it? Honey! I need an eight-letter word that means a place where clothes are kept.
- Huh.
Vestiary? - Hmm.
Speaking of vestiaries, I cleared out a whole bedroom closet for you to use.
I told you, I only need one drawer.
Oh, come on! Look at that thing, Claire.
It's stuffed to the brim! We've been dating since we were at camp.
How embarrassing will it be if we show up to the reunion and we're still just hangin' out? When are we gonna take the next step? Mark, you know how important maintaining my independence is.
You mean maintaining that flea-trap studio down in the Village.
- Well, it's my flea trap.
- [sighs.]
Who says that we have to move in together or get hitched to prove we're committed? Oh, I don't know.
Society? Community? The general public? My parents! [Lindsay.]
Ready? Are we rolling yet? Here we go.
Let's go.
On today's "Puff Stuff," doggy treats gone gourmet? These East Side chefs think it could be something to bark about.
I'll have the full report on News at Noon.
Okay? We got it.
[alarm ringing.]
- Gonna miss the flight.
- [gasps.]
[sighs.]
Oh, my God.
We're gonna miss the flight.
Aw, my head! Counting Crows shows at the Viper Room are fun, but the after-parties are deadly.
Next time Eric Stoltz asks us to do Jäger bombs, we say no.
[baby cooing.]
Who's my little Ashley? Who's my little Ashley? Hey, Ben, we gotta get packed up and hit the road if we're gonna make it to camp before lunch.
You know traffic on 95 is gonna be a bear.
- Ben! - Huh? [sighs.]
Sorry, I was lost in my work.
These blueprints are literally kicking my ass.
They can kick your ass later.
We've got a reunion to get to.
I can't believe it's been ten years since our wedding at Firewood.
- [sighs.]
- What is it, babe? Well, none of them have seen me since I got my nose job.
You had a deviated septum.
You were snoring like crazy.
It was a medical issue.
Besides, you look exactly the same to me.
[sighs.]
Coop, I think this has the potential to be a once-in-a-generation memoir that really captures the zeitgeist of the early '90s.
Yes, yes.
But not yet, because it still doesn't have an ending.
I know, I know.
But how am I supposed to write an ending to a story I'm still living? That's something you're gonna have to figure out on your own.
Because without a boffo ending, I can't sell this.
No boffo.
It's the story of my life! [Scoffs.]
Look, take the weekend.
You're going up to this camp.
You talk about it in the book.
Camp "Fi-rey-woad.
" Firewood.
Maybe you can get some inspiration up there.
[man on radio.]
Good morning, New York City.
It's 7:30 on a hot summer day and there's a pileup on the BQE slowing traffic to a crawl.
Man, that was a long night.
Whoo! I ask you, my friend, is this not the life or what? Okay? I mean, getting paid to sling drinks for horny coeds.
- [laughing.]
- What? You're the best, man.
Truly, the absolute greatest.
Hey, I gotta ask you something.
Now that you're single, when are you gonna take advantage of this position? - You gotta take advantage, man! - What you talking about? I'm talking about the snizzy-lizzy, the muffin stuff.
Girls, Neil! Come on! You gotta get your jack waxed.
No, I don't think Shari would like that.
Shari? She dumped you, man.
Who gives a flying shit what Shari - Oh, hey, Shari.
- Hi, Victor.
Hi, Neil.
- Shari, what are you doing here? - I called but your machine was full.
I've got the rest of your stuff.
Ooh, awkward.
[Laughs.]
Hey, I'm gonna head upstairs and finish packing.
We're heading back to Camp Firewood for a little skunky, monkey, funky, trunky junkie.
[Laughing.]
- If you get my meaning.
- Always.
Hands down.
That's Vic.
He's the greatest.
He's the best.
Just one of a kind.
They broke the mold, etcetera.
You know the drill.
So, you guys are still doing that ten year reunion thing, huh? Yeah, well, we made a promise to meet up.
We don't just walk away from our commitments to each other, Shari.
Here's the rest of your stuff.
It's your Apple PowerBook 100.
- It's your inline skates.
- Love that.
It's your beeper.
It's a bunch of other things from 1991.
What happened to us, Shari? What did I do wrong? You didn't do nothing, Neil.
But I'm 26 now, and I want more out of life than eating corn dogs and watching horror flicks on your futon.
So, you just dump me for some artsy-fartsy fancy pants you met at an art gallery? His name is Brodfard Gilroy - Oh! - and he's cultured.
He's a professor at Columbia University, and he takes me places.
Classy places.
Places in Midtown.
I've been to the opera, Neil.
Have you ever even heard of Don Giovanni? - Sure.
That's He's like - [tires screeching.]
Hey, you must be Neil.
I've heard so much about you.
- Really? - No.
That's just a thing that people say.
Come on, Shari, we've got some motoring to do.
Hey, Neil, I'm having a little end-of-summer soirée at my country home up north later today.
You should stop by.
Bye, Neil.
[woman on radio.]
WTOS, New England's mountain of rock.
Here's a classic from 1981.
Feel it coming like a tidal wave I'm in over my head Dive deep and drown in your ocean Washed up and left for dead Okay, we are all set.
Hi! Hey! Are you Harriet? I must admit, I was expecting someone a little older.
No, I'm Renata.
Harriet called in sick at the last minute.
I'm her replacement.
[gasps.]
And this must be Ashley.
Yes, she is! [whispers.]
Who is this? - I booked us a nanny for the weekend.
- What? Why? [sighs.]
- Would you give us a minute? - Oh, my pleasure.
Hi, Ashley.
[both chuckle.]
What the hell, man? You just handed our baby to a stranger.
Mack, this nanny service is top-notch.
And we'll get more time to hang out with our friends.
You deserve it.
We both deserve it.
Ben, you have no idea how much is involved.
We don't even know if she can swaddle.
Of course she can swaddle.
I promise.
Now, this service is top-notch.
They got an A-plus from the Better Business Bureau.
Well, the BBB doesn't fool around.
She's beautiful.
Thank you! And don't worry.
I'm a great swaddler.
- Oh! We - Yeah.
Okay.
Claire, if your life were a movie, what would the title be? Uh, I don't know, Camera Shy? Uh, can anyone say, "Lame"? Put that thing down.
Hey, babe, did you remember to bring the box fan? Those cabins get really hot.
Uh, no, I thought you were bringing it.
J.
J.
, stop it! [gasps.]
There it is! Camp Firewood! Whoo-hoo! [Arty.]
Good morning, everybody.
Well, it's the last day of camp, so once again, it's time for all of you to grab that one last kiss, last dance, last [chuckles.]
Well, you know what I mean.
There are certain things I can't say on a family radio station, folks.
[Laughs.]
Buzz! Ah, y'all just got stung by your humble servant, the Beekeeper himself, manning the controls for the tenth summer in a row.
And preparations are in full swing for tonight's last blast, End of Summer Night's Dream Dance, up in the barn.
But that's gonna be a night time thang.
[hooting.]
Oh, and don't worry if you see any old fogies wandering around the grounds today.
The Firewood Class of 1981 has returned for their ten-year reunion.
And McKinley, if you're listening, I showered just last week.
- What's on your mind, Beth? - Another summer come and gone, Nance.
- Time sure flies.
- Yeah.
Some years I feel I've just barely kept it together.
- [sighs.]
- And ultimately I wonder, what is the point of it all? [car honks.]
- Beth! They're here! They're here! - Oh! Oh! [all shouting.]
Claire! Oh! - [laughs.]
Hey! - [car honks.]
Hey, I'm lost.
Does anyone know where Camp Firewood is? [all.]
Katie! It's so great! - Oh! - Look at you! - My gosh! Oh, gosh.
- Oh! - Hey! Hi, Nance.
- Oh, Katie! Um, where's Coop? Is he coming? Of course.
He's probably been planning on this for the past ten years.
- [Katie.]
Who is it? - [Mark.]
Who's in the taxi? What's up, bitches? Let's rage! - [all.]
Susie! - Yeah! - [Claire.]
Susie, you made it! - Of course I made it! What, am I gonna miss my camp reunion? I told those New Line execs who wanted me to stick around for a location shoot, "Screw that.
I'm goin' back to my roots.
" - Ooh.
- That is true.
She did actually say that.
That's true.
I was standing right there.
It was mental.
[gasps.]
[whispers.]
Oh, my God.
That is Garth MacArthur.
Have you ever seen the movie Espresso Compresso? It is getting huge buzz at Telluride.
- Garth MacArthur.
- Yes! - Uh, this is Garth, by the way.
- Hi.
He's the lead actor in the film that I'm producing slash co-executive producing.
And take a really good look at his face 'cause he's gonna be a huge star one day.
Stop it.
She's always buttering me up, aren't you? - Like a little crumpet or something.
- [both laugh.]
Garth, I would like to say that any friend of Susie's is so very welcome here at Camp Firewood.
So, does that include this ALF puppet that I stole from the Warner Brothers lot? - [all exclaiming.]
- [Mark.]
It's really ALF! [stammers.]
I'm a huge fan.
Espresso Compresso is amazing, obviously.
- But I also loved London Fog.
- Oh, you saw that? Yeah, yeah.
I'm a bit of a film buff.
I work at an alternative video store.
Oh, nice one, man.
We should, uh, grab a pint later.
Oh, my God! I would love that.
Black and Tan? [car honks.]
Whoo! [all.]
Victor! And Neil.
- Hey, Neil.
- Hi, Neil.
I brought a half a six pack! - Hi! - [Nancy.]
The baby is here! - The baby is here! - There she is! The baby is here! No, wait.
Nancy, you have not washed your hands yet.
- Oh, come on.
- No, you have not.
Hey, everyone.
This is our nanny, Renata.
- Hi.
- It's just for the weekend.
Susie! [both laughing.]
- Oh, my God! - You have a freaking baby! Hey, um, I don't know if you notice, but I I did.
Did it fix your deviated septum? - It did.
- That's all that matters.
- Oh, Sue.
- Aw.
You look amazing.
- Thanks.
- Even better than before.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Guys! - [all.]
Abby! Neil, Neil! Check it out, check it out! Abby Bernstein's here, and she's lookin' fly! - Wild.
- [chuckling.]
Oh, shit.
Dude, she's coming over here.
How do I look? - You look great, you look great.
- Yeah? - Hey, hey, hey.
- No one better.
- Hiya, Vic.
How you doing? - [chuckles nervously.]
You're still sportin' the perm, huh? It's all natural so That's what it is.
It just comes out this way.
That's great.
[stammers.]
What is your job, or whatever it is that you do? - I work for the Downtown Press, - Uh-huh.
And I write a sex and intimacy column, - Ah! - Which is It's a diary, kind of, really, - of my adventures with men and women.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
You know, whomever I meet.
[chuckles.]
I mean, you know.
- Ah! - You should check it out.
There's some hot stuff.
- [exhales sharply.]
- How about you? What are you up to? [both laugh.]
I think I'm gonna I've been I work at a bar.
That was good.
I timed it.
Hey, guys.
[all.]
Gary Chester Silverson! [car honks.]
- There's Coop! - [all exclaim.]
- Walla-walla-hoo! - [all.]
Walla-walla-hey! - Kim-chu-ay! - [all.]
Chu-ay! [all laugh.]
Hey, man! All right! - Coop! - Oh! Hey, Katie.
I've been thinking a lot about you, Coop.
I've been thinking a lot about you, too.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh, wow.
- [chuckles.]
- This is gonna be a really fun weekend.
Um Yeah, I I guess so.
- [Victor.]
Whoo! - [Beth.]
Okay, guys.
Hey, hey, hey.
Everybody, everybody, everybody.
Hand goes up, mouths go shut.
[all boo.]
You may all be in your mid-20s, but here at Firewood, you're campers.
Oh, come on, Beth.
- We're grown-ups now.
- [all murmuring.]
With social security cards and everything.
Yeah.
We drink wine.
And I'm, like, getting really into amber beers, like Schleinbach.
I like to curl up with a good book.
- Oh, yes.
- We all do, we all do.
Me, too.
I'm reading The Kitchen God's Wife by Amy Tan and loving it.
Well, this weekend, you're campers.
Sleeping assignments are as follows.
Boys are in bunk eight.
Girls, bunk six.
- [sighs.]
- And if I catch anybody sneaking out, you will miss group swim.
- Come on! - Just like old times.
McKinley, I gave you and Ben your own bunk, but only because you have a baby and I know you need your privacy.
[whispers.]
Thank you, Beth.
We have an action-packed 24 hours planned for you.
Oh, yeah? Beth, do you mean 24 hours, 3-6-9? - No, 65.
- 69? - Dirty dog.
- Right? [stammers.]
Like, when my wiener's in her like, near her face, and then her wiener or whatever that is, is near my face? - It's a vagina.
- Vagina.
And of course, the Shakespearean-inspired barn dance later tonight.
- Ooh! - Whoo! - Walla-walla-hoo! - [all.]
Walla-walla-hey! - Kim-chu-ay! - [all.]
Chu-ay! [Beth.]
Okay, go get unpacked, 'cause the first order of business is chill time by the water.
- Okay, here we go.
- You got this.
You got this.
- Yeah, buddy.
- Nice! Ah, rafter ball.
- You're going down, Gar.
- Go for it, man.
So, you and Claire still aren't married, huh? Yeah, she doesn't believe in societal institutions.
It sucks.
So I'm like, "Hey, if the cat's away, the mice will play.
" You know what I mean? [chuckles.]
I think I do, you dirty dog.
[both.]
Ah-boom-boom-boom, hey-yah! [both chuckle.]
And so, anyway, I said to her, "Sorry, Yasmine, but three is a crowd.
" - Yasmine Bleeth? - I can't say.
Obviously Bleeth.
Susie, what you've done with your career - is just amazing.
- Thank you.
And what's this thing you're working on right now? And who is this debonair British dreamboat? The film is called By the Grace of God and Ever After.
And it's being produced slash executive produced by me.
And Garth MacArthur is the lead and also maybe an associate producer, depending on the work he does on set.
And we're going out to Laura San Giacomo for the role of the mother.
- She's so - She's amazing.
And she's become a very good friend.
You're so creative.
It takes such a risk to do what you do, and just put it all out there and just create something out of nothing.
A film is like a baby.
And then you have it and then it goes out into the world and everybody else gets to pass it around.
- [Abby.]
Oh! - Oh, yeah.
- It really is like having a baby.
- Yeah, yeah.
I get that.
No, no.
It's very much like that.
Yeah, no, I really get that.
Having a film is like having a baby.
It's very, very much like that.
- You have to deliver the film - Yeah, no, I really get that.
It's such an interesting metaphor.
It's very much like having a baby.
Oh.
So, tell us about your makeup! I wanna know, what are the colors? - I brought samples! - [all screaming.]
[indistinct screaming.]
- Where? Where? Give it to me.
- Okay, okay, okay.
There's my girl.
Yeah.
There's my girl.
- Can I hold her? - Yeah.
Yeah! Hey, wait a second.
Don't worry about her.
She's fine.
McKinley, you have to calm down.
Renata's great.
She really knows what she's doing.
She's Top-notch.
I know, I know.
And her agency got an [both.]
A-plus rating from the Better Business Bureau.
[smack lips.]
They don't fool around.
That's why people trust them.
I know, I know, I know.
See, this is fantastic.
We can have fun and I can get some work done.
Those blueprints are literally kicking my ass.
Ooh-la-la! [chuckles.]
I banged half of bunk seven in this cot.
Oh, wow, that was a crazy night.
And since then I have been crazy with the ladies every night of the week.
Oh, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.
Hey, did he forget hump day? I think not! [Chuckling.]
Wow.
Heâs still a virgin.
Look at him.
Oh, man, I took some good naps on these camp beds back in the day.
Wonder if they still got the magic touch, if you know what I mean.
[Chuckles.]
Hey, you guys, wake me up in a couple hours.
Oh, yeah! Whoo! Oh, my God, Katie, look! - [all.]
Oh! - [Abby.]
Oh, my God, remember Andy? [all exclaim.]
Oh, you and Andy were such piping hot shit back in the day.
- [laughs.]
- How's he doing? Oh, gosh, I don't know.
I havenât heard from him in years.
Really? I thought you and Andy would see each other and then you'd climb into the wayback machine and just grind one out for old times' sake! [all laughing.]
Wait, what's a wayback machine? Is that a real thing? - No.
- You know, Andy was a girl's crush.
Iâm a woman now and I have my eyes set on someone a little bit more sophisticated this weekend.
- [Claire gasps.]
- Wait - [all.]
Coop? - [Katie.]
I know! I donât know what it is, but I think Iâm finally ready for him.
And I think, judging from the brief conversation that we just had, he might be ready for me.
- So, weâll see! - [all.]
Wow! Now, let's go back to unpacking.
Okay.
Oh, guys, I wanted to take a moment to say that it's so great to have you all back.
- The junior counselors from 1981.
- [laughs.]
I've been here a lot of years, eh, Nance? - Yeah.
Right on.
- But something about that particular summer was so very special to me.
A lot happened that summer.
President Reagan came and killed our friend Eric.
Our camp director got turned into a can of vegetables.
We went to town and shot heroin.
Skylab fell on us.
We almost played softball against Camp Tigerclaw, but then didn't.
Well, you know, it's like we always say, "You can leave Camp Firewood, but the spirit of Camp Firewood" - [all speaking indistinctly.]
- "never leaves you!" leave behind.
Anyway, enough with the feelings.
Let's have some fun! Chums, chums, chums On this we all agree [grunts.]
Oh, God! Hey, watch your step there, Fred Astaire.
Hey, that's not nice.
Oh, I'm just kidding.
I was having fun.
Nobody dances like Fred Astaire anymore.
- [J.
J.
.]
Ugh! Tell me about it.
- [beeping.]
[man 1.]
Command control, Mr.
Bojangles has asked you for his daily intel briefing.
[man 2.]
Affirmative.
Ready to report.