What Would Sal Do (2016) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
(MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS) You know, it's okay to cry, Ma.
Diane was a big part of your life.
And that's not effectual 'cause she was such a huge whale, but You know what I mean.
Just let it all out.
(MARIA SIGHS) She's gone.
Just like that.
(SIGHS) Know what always helps me when I'm feeling down? - Mmm.
- Some food.
Maybe we should have something to eat? Yeah.
I'll, I'll make some pasta.
No, no, no, no, no.
You know what, Ma? Let me do it.
- Let me make the pasta, okay? - What? No.
Yeah, yeah.
Ma, sit down, please.
Let me do it, okay.
Come on.
- Come on, sit down.
- Oh, come No! Mama, sit down, okay? I'm gonna make some pasta.
You relax, okay? I got this.
Ma, trust me, okay.
I got it.
All right? (CLATTERING) So how the fuck do you make pasta? Oh, my God! All right.
This is gonna be, um hard to hear.
Yeah, even harder to, to understand.
But I've never lied to you, right? Right? Ma, you're freaking me out here.
Just answer the question.
Have I ever lied to you? No.
No, you have never ever lied to me.
- Good.
- Good.
Because when I got pregnant with you I was a virgin.
That sucks.
No.
I mean, I never had sex.
With anyone.
Ever.
I was a virgin, and then I was a pregnant virgin.
So, what are you saying? Sal you're the Second Coming.
Of what? (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Subtitle by peritta Ma.
Ma, are you sure, that you didn't, like, sit in a pile of sperms, or something like that? 'Cause, listen, that's what Vince's cousin, Eric said happened with his girlfriend, so What I'm sure of is that it's a miracle.
You ask Father Luke.
(SCOFFS) I'm not gonna ask that nerd anything.
- Because it's time.
- You know what it is, Mama? It is a bad time, okay? I got so much going on right now.
You don't even know.
My house flipping business, - for starters.
- Oh, come on, Sal.
Now it's a house flipping business.
Before that it was a limo company.
Then it was a food truck.
And then you wanted to be a carpenter.
- You wanted me to be a carpenter.
- I wanted you to be something.
Ah, so that's what this is all about then, huh? I could drop dead tomorrow.
That's not gonna happen, so don't say that.
That is why I had to tell you today.
(SIGHS DEEPLY) Okay, so what? You want me to go around telling people I'm the Second Coming? And, what, fuckin' high-fiving lepers and shit, just rocking long hair and what? You gotta save the world, Sal.
Oh.
(CHUCKLES) I gotta save the world, huh? (LAUGHS) How, Ma? By doing good deeds.
And getting followers.
You're serious? Ma, you can't (STAMMERS) You just You can't believe this, okay? Would I still be a virgin if I didn't? Oh, come on, you're still a virgin.
You remember when you met Mike Foligno and you refused to wash your hand? It's that with God and my vagina.
- Oh, come on, Ma! No, no, no! - I know I'm your mother, but I'm also a person.
You know, a female person.
I can't handle this, okay? I just I can't.
I'm sorry.
I know helping people has never been your strong suit.
What? How about, uh Nicky Garcia? Are you kidding me? I helped that kid lose over 100 pounds, Ma, okay? I had to be on him too, every single day about what a fat fuck he was until he lost that weight.
The kid shot himself at prom, Sal! (MARIA SIGHS) What, do you think I had something to do with that? Jesus! (INHALES SHARPLY) - (SOBBING) - Ma, don't cry.
Ma, stop crying.
Ma, look, come on, Ma.
I'm sure Nicky is in a better place now, okay? I bet you Nicky is up there in heaven with Diane and just eating deep-fried pizzas and rolling around in doughnuts - and stuff like that.
- That's not why I'm crying.
(SNIFFLES) I'm crying because It wasn't easy being a single mom, you know.
I know.
But, Ma, you did a great job.
I mean Look at this, Ma.
You did this, huh? (SOBS) Ma, you know I can't stand disappointing you.
Okay, so If, if you think I'm the Second Coming You are the Second Coming.
Okay and that's what I'm gonna be then.
Okay? Yeah? - You all done crying now, Ma? - (CHUCKLES) Yeah? All right.
Come here, Ma.
Okay.
Oh, I need to wash this.
Yeah, I know.
I was at Colesons' last night.
It smells like an ashtray full - of perfumed moth balls, huh? - Ugh! (SIGHS) Okay.
What the fuck? (INHALES) (EXHALES) SAL: You don't believe it though, do you, Vince? No.
- You? - Fuck, no! I mean, come on.
Can you imagine the Second Coming of Christ with second coming Sudbury of all places? Yeah, I would have thought, maybe Paris.
- Maybe Tokyo.
- NYC, bro.
Yeah.
- Boston.
- Rome.
- The Vatican.
- Jesus was Italian.
No.
He was a Jew.
(CHUCKLES) This guy You know, if it was true If I knew who my dad was Yeah.
You could stop thinking that he left 'cause he felt suffocated and he abandoned you because you were a burden on him You know, you're a burden sometimes.
If anyone who abandoned you, that's neighborhood kids trapping suffocate you, huh? How's that sound? - I'm sorry, man.
- (SOFTLY) Fuck.
You don't think, I, uh had anything to do with Nicky Garcia shoot himself, do you? He named you in the note.
That's fuckin' news to me, bro.
I mean, if you're Jesus, I am not Judas.
(CHUCKLES) What'd you just say? I said, like, if there's a Judas in the story, then that's not me.
Yeah, but if you don't believe it, why would you even say that? I'm not I'm You're making me very uncomfortable here.
I'm sorry.
I don't believe it.
I'm just saying that I'm you're the Second Coming First of all, I don't think you got anything to worry about.
No.
I'm a stud.
So, Judas You got a few things you should worry about, you know.
- I know.
- Like my devastating left and my thunderous right.
Is that a bet you want to make, Vince? VINCE: So, what's the end game here? Do something nice for him and hopefully get my mom to stop crying.
Can I help you guys? Yeah.
Yeah, my friend and I Well, mostly me if I'm being honest, we, um We want to buy you lunch.
Now? No.
Sometime, when you're not busy at work.
You got money? This fuckin' homeless guy is asking me if I got money! Yeah, I got fuckin' money.
- All right.
- What the fuck, bro? I'm sorry, did you say breakfast or lunch? - What's the difference? - Well, lunch is a blow job and breakfast is a handy with once around the rim.
- Once.
- What's dinner? - Vince! - Full service.
- He'll stick with lunch.
- You're the boss.
I just want to buy you lunch bro, okay? Like a real lunch.
Stop being a fag, get your dick out.
- No, no, no! No, no.
- HOMELESS GUY: Come on! - He's strong! - Stop being weird.
- (SIRENS WAILING) - No! - Fuck, buddy! Vince! - It's easier if you pull your dick out.
FATHER LUKE: You finally told him! Maria, this is what we've been looking for.
- Oh - This is amazing.
No, it isn't.
Oh, of course, it is.
- Why would you think otherwise? - Oh, because Carmela Russo's son Rocko is getting married.
- And? - And he has Down Syndrome.
- Maria! - Oh, don't, okay.
Look, I think it's wonderful, beautiful, and I cried when I found out, okay? And as much as I believe, Down Syndrome kids can do - everything other kids can do.
- Look, Maria, please, can you stop before you say something you're going to regret? Mine should be beating him! Maria, Ten Hail Marys, right now.
- Oh, five.
- Eight, final offer.
Fine.
(SIGHS) Oh, Sal didn't even finish high school.
He's allergic to peanuts.
What does that have to do with anything? You really think that the Second Coming would have a peanut allergy? He can't even make pasta.
If, if I die tomorrow, he's fucked! Best case scenario, he starves to death.
Best case.
The Bible even says, that the Second Coming will come in all His glory.
- Okay.
- And everybody will know and see it.
I understand.
Yes, it's true.
Sal is not exactly Hollywood Jesus.
But the Bible isn't a manual, okay? This isn't science, this is real.
But what about the glory We have to prepare him for the glory.
That's where the good deeds come in.
So that when the glory finally arrives, he and everybody that he has helped will finally see it and know it.
- Easier said - Maria, please.
You can't have doubts now.
Not you, you're the virgin mother! You really believe that the world is gonna buy this? Of course they are! The world is constantly seeing Jesus in toast, in water stains.
- (SCOFFS) - And we have proof.
Three doctors confirm your virginity.
The Armenian one said your hymen was (SWALLOWS) thicker than a vault.
You remember my accident? And what of it? Yeah, I still don't remember it.
I remember leaving the house and then waking up in the hospital, and a couple of months later, I was pregnant.
Well, I'll tell you what I remember about it.
I remember that the doctors said it was a miracle that you survived.
God didn't just save your life that day, God gave you new life.
That accident isn't an explanation of anything.
It's proof of everything.
It was just a fuckin' fire truck, you pussy.
- I'm not a pussy.
- You are a pussy.
I'm not a pussy.
I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, thank you very much.
Big difference.
What are you doing? I'm making a wheelchair.
How do you figure? I collect tabs for a charity that recycles them into wheelchairs.
And I thought I made dumb decisions.
- Right.
- VINCE: It's a fine decision.
Oh, anyways, thanks for lunch, guys.
Hold on, buddy.
Where the fuck are you going? What do you want? Um, like, a fuckin' bit more gratitude would be nice, for starters.
Look, I'm grateful, but if you think you're the first guy that bought me lunch You want more, do more.
VINCE: Been a while since I've been here.
They all look like they're getting tested, and stuff.
Why don't you just shut the fuck up and get jerked off, Vince! Would you believe I've never been to a rub and tug before? Well, you smell like shit and you don't have a home, so, of course I would.
Fair enough.
Okay, so pick one.
I like that one.
She's got a mean face.
Well, what about Rita over there, she's got great fun bags and she has little hands too.
Uh, those are nice, but I like her.
- Now you gotta be prepared.
- Mmm-hmm.
Because she's gonna try and upsell you, okay? Nude, topless, nude reverse, which is pure cock-torture.
Then she's gonna hit you with the body glide, and that's only worth it if she lets you finger her, but the bottom-line is, I'm not paying for any of it, okay? So if you want her to do more than burp your baby, you gotta cough up the dough yourself.
I'm just nervous.
SAL: What's going on, Nicole? - Can you lie down please? - Mmm-hmm.
So me and this guy and my other buddy, we just got the best porchetta sandwich in Sudbury.
If you want I'll take you sometime.
No, it's okay.
I can afford my own food, thanks.
All due respect, the fuck's the matter with you? You come here more than any other regular.
You know that, right? - Yeah, it helps me unwind.
- Mmm.
Oil or powder? Oh.
I don't know if I really need SAL: Go powder.
Oil makes you come like a bastard.
- Okay, powder.
- What the fuck's the matter with you? I want him to get his money's worth, what the fuck's the matter with you? (BREATHES DEEPLY) Oh, my God.
- Do you even have a job? - No, not really.
I'm homeless.
Me I'm an entrepreneur.
So, no.
Why even ask me out if you can't pay for it? Don't flatter yourself.
I wasn't asking you out, I was just telling you about this wicked sandwich I had.
- But if you did wanna go out - I don't go out with clients.
Yeah, but I'm not your client.
Yeah, no shit.
And who the fuck brings a homeless guy to a rub and tug? Oh, it sounds like it had something to do with his mother.
- Hey, that was private.
- Oh, so he's a weirdo.
Since when does a weirdo want to make your mother happy, huh? Since I'm jerking off a fuckin' hobo! Quite aggressively, I might point out.
It's called being nice.
You might want to try that sometime.
- You're an idiot.
- Okay, it's starting to hurt.
I should have gone with oil.
Shut up.
I'm trying to finish you.
Okay, but, ow! My penis.
Take it easy, okay.
You may rip the thing off.
Oh, really? You could do better? - Actually, yeah.
- But no, though, right? - You shut up! - (SPITTING) - (HOMELESS GUY MOANS) - You're a real fighter, aren't you? - Yeah.
- SAL: Oh, I get it.
You are mad because I never picked you to jerk me off, right? Get over yourself.
- Everyone freeze! - Oh, fuck! - Hey, Sal.
- Hey, what's going on? (LAUGHS) Oh, yeah.
Oh! Boom goes the dynamite! That was the one.
Oh, thank you, miss.
Thank you.
Thank you, Sal.
Officer Jacobs, good to see you.
Sorry about all the cum, guys.
FATHER LUKE: That's right, folks.
He is here! But he won't look like that! For one, he won't be on a cross, so that's different.
And he won't be the Holy Trinity of handsome.
Bearded, beautiful, blue-eyed.
He won't be that.
He might be very tall.
He might even be a little bit slovenly.
He might get on your nerves.
He might even drink a bit.
Confusing that God would choose him, really.
He might be black.
No, he won't be black (CLEARS THROAT) (CHUCKLES) (STUTTERS ) I'm saying that he can't be It's just he, he won't be this time.
But, uh, good guestion though.
Thank you, Mabel.
Folks.
He might be an ass.
Because he's testing us.
He's testing our faith.
'Cause that's what this is about.
Faith, not facts.
Facts are for cowards and faith is for the strong.
So I ask you Are you strong enough? And if you are, I want you to answer loud and clear and strong.
But not with your mouths, but with your hearts.
And your wallets.
And the collection plates.
MAN: All rise.
(SAL SNICKERS) There he is, Mr.
Salvatore Camilucci.
How are you? Oh, shit.
Yeah, from high school.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Jason, right? Daryl It was Daryl.
- With the big pool.
- With the big pool.
- Yeah.
- We had some killer parties there.
Yeah.
And I'm sleeping with my girlfriend Kathy and We had a lot of fun.
Sorry about that.
No.
No, dude.
No, no, no.
I should be thanking you.
- She's huge now.
It's embarrassing.
- Oh.
Dodged a bullet.
And that's why I saw your name on the public defender's list, I was, like, "I got to take the case for this guy.
" - Really? You got me? - I got you.
- Yeah.
- Payback.
- I appreciate that, man.
Thank you.
- It is payback.
- Okay.
- Yeah, yeah.
Uh, remember Vince from high school? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- He was with me Oh, yeah.
He's fine.
He's fine.
He ended up getting charged for police evasion and indecent exposure 'cause he was running down the street with his dick flopping out, but he's okay.
- Classic Vince charges.
- Yeah.
Is it? - Yeah.
- (CHUCKLES) You want to talk about the case? You remember Nicky Garcia? Yeah.
You don't think I had anything with what happened to him, do you? - You? - Yeah.
- No.
No, man.
Absolutely not.
- (SIGHS DEEPLY) I mean, he did, but I didn't.
How'd you know that? (SIGHS DEEPLY) He was wearing your football jersey - Oh, fuck off! - Yeah.
How are you gonna plead? Guilty.
Guilty, why? Why would you plead guilty? Sal, I remember back in high school when that drunk driving display was parked out front - Yeah.
- Remember what you did? You stole it.
- You sold the parts.
- I was drunk driving when I sold it.
Drunk driving.
Yeah.
And remember when the guidance counselor, he was like, "Hey, I want to put Sal in that special school.
" - Fuck, yeah.
- You did what? - Help me out.
- I did sex with his wife.
Um, you did sex with his wife.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Yeah, yeah.
Where the hell's that guy? What do you mean? He's still here.
- Sal "fuck the world" Camilucci? - Fuckin' the world on regular, buddy.
Is he? I mean, I don't know.
Because, I mean That guy didn't really back down from a fight, but I mean, that's okay.
JUDGE: Next up, Salvatore Camilucci.
Now, come on, buddy.
- Salvatore Camilucci.
- Come on.
MAN: How do you plead? Not fuckin' guilty! All right.
Officer, take him away.
- Your Honor.
Sal.
Sal.
- I did it, bro.
What the fuck? - Hey, hey, hey! - Don't worry.
I got it.
SAL: Fuck! Oh, I fuckin' hate that guy.
- Partheno - Parthenogenesis.
It's a form of asexual reproduction where an embryo is fertilized without intercourse.
And that can happen in humans? Theoretically, anything can happen.
Huh.
Can you get pregnant by sitting in a pile of someone's sperm? I'm sorry, a pile? Or whatever the medical term is.
It's just sperm, regardless of the quantity.
And parthenogenesis is probably more likely than getting pregnant by sitting in it.
Like the story of the virginal conception from the Bible, right? Well, that's just it, it's a story.
Well, well, are you saying that that didn't happen, or, or, it couldn't happen? Maria, I really don't think I'm Well, just tell me if it's possible for a virgin, like, who's never had sex, like Mary from the Bible, to get pregnant in a way that has nothing to do with God or miracles? In theory, stranger things have happened.
Probably.
- Partheno - Parthenogenesis.
(BUZZER SOUNDING) Andrew.
Sal.
- What are you doing here? - (CLEARS THROAT) The court stenographer called me.
Don't worry.
I'm here to help.
How can you help me? Please, how can you help me? I know a lot of people.
I could pull a few strings, talk to the judge.
I guarantee I can get you out of here early.
No, no, no, man.
Early is not going to do it, okay.
- Thanks.
- I'm gonna get eaten alive in here.
Sal.
I'm going to take care of you.
(SOFTLY) We are going to change the world.
We're gonna change the world, huh? Yeah.
Your mother and I have been waiting for 30 years for this day.
Yeah, well, you're both fuckin' nuts! - We are not - Yeah, you are.
You're fuckin' nuts.
We are not nuts, Sal.
Your mother was a pregnant virgin.
Okay, well, then there's got to be another explanation for this pregnant virgin thing.
Sal, I have devoted my entire life to being a priest.
- And do you know why? - Yeah, 'cause you want to be Bishop.
No.
That's not the reason why.
Well, you talk about it a lot.
Like, "When I'm Bishop this, when I'm Bishop that.
" A guy's got to have ambition.
But that's not the reason I became a priest.
Why then? Because you work, like, two, three hours a day? No, that's not it.
Well, putting wafers on people's tongue doesn't tell them they're going to hell, that's not work, you know.
There's a lot more to it than that.
- Really? - Yes.
I have to do weddings, baptisms, confessionals, funerals, oh, funerals.
Funerals are very challenging.
How's a funeral challenging? The guy's already dead.
- You dig the grave? - Of course not.
- Oh, you don't dig the grave, do you? - Of course, I don't.
Okay, listen, you live in a mansion that you don't have to pay rent for, so other than the celibacy thing, I think you got a pretty sweet deal, bro.
You know what? I think I think I'm going to become a priest.
Gonna get out of here and do the priest thing for a little bit, you know You know, I'm just gonna go right now and call your mother.
- Okay, good.
Thank you.
- But here's a little bit of advice.
Be careful about what you eat.
They use peanuts as filler.
- Oh, they use penis as fillers? - Everything - Penis? I never - You said, penis as filler.
No, you did.
- Sal, I never said - I'm pretty sure you did.
I think I would know if I said Okay.
(CLEARS THROAT) Just don't eat them.
Relax.
I'm not actually allergic to peanuts.
- Sal - What? I've known you your whole life.
You are allergic to peanuts.
No.
Vince is allergic to peanuts.
I just said I was, so other kids would make fun of me.
You know what a pussy that guy is.
What? So You're telling me that you pretended to be allergic just so that Vince wouldn't feel bad? Yeah.
Oh.
Holy shit.
Holy, holy, holiest of shits.
Sal isn't allergic to peanuts.
Holy shit.
You scared me.
He faked a peanut allergy so Vince wouldn't feel bad.
This is proof that he's the Second Coming.
How is that proof? Who forgoes an entire food so somebody else feels better? Vegetarians.
Okay, sure.
But for one specific person? First of all, how do you know this? I just talked to Sal.
He's in prison.
He got arrested at an erotic massage house.
Oh, for the love of God! But as long as he's not allergic to peanuts, everything's fine.
You're missing the point.
This means that he's a good person.
A great person.
The only reason that he is so spoiled and entitled is because of us! This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is the savior.
My doctor says there's another explanation for getting pregnant without sex.
Parthenogenesis.
- That's one person's opinion.
- She's a doctor.
A family doctor.
Come on! Still, it's the first opinion that makes sense.
Finally! Wait.
How often did she say that this partheno thing happens anyway? Not often.
It's very rare.
Every 2,000 years rare? (SIGHS DEEPLY) Maria, just because something is a fluke, doesn't mean that it's not special.
In fact, it means just the opposite.
SAL: Okay, so you guys are gonna bail me out though, right? - Yeah, as soon as we get the money.
- Yeah.
But it's gonna take a little bit of time.
Yeah.
I mean, it's pretty hard to save the world from inside a jail, that's for sure.
Okay, listen, I've been thinking that there is probably another explanation for this whole pregnant virgin thing.
Just sort of spitballing here but, what if You did have sex with someone.
Oh! I think I'd remember losing my virginity.
Yeah.
But what if you, like, blocked it out mentally, because you were, like Raped.
- I was raped.
- What? - By God.
- Absolutely not.
No.
Well, I never consented but I'm happy that he did it.
Stop saying that you were raped by God.
Okay, look, if I'm Jesus, how come I can't shoot out miracles, huh? Like in the Bible, always shooting out miracles, right? Sal, that's because the Bible is just a book of fables.
Simple tales meant to convey moral lessons for simple people.
And anyway, you don't need miracles to get followers.
But you need unconditional love and kindness.
Okay, I'm a little fucked in half in here, aren't I? Okay, about that I have done an awful lot of counseling for prisoners.
So, here's what you got to do.
The moment you walk in the joint, walk up to the biggest, toughest guy and just sock him in the jaw.
(SIGHS) Jesus.
(BUZZER SOUNDING) (PRISONERS LAUGHING AND CHATTING) (PRISONERS EXCLAIMING) Fuck! You got a death wish? What the fuck's wrong with you? I'm just earning respect that my priest told me to.
- Respect? - (PANTING) Peepers was blind as a bat.
- Peepers? - Think you can just hit someone in here and not pay for it? - This ain't a fucking movie, man! - PEEPERS: Wait! I can see! - It's a miracle.
- Holy shit.
- I can see! - (YELLS) (THUDS) - Vince! - Let's do this now! SAL: Vince! No! (MUSIC PLAYING) (PAPER BAG RUSTLING) Don't worry.
I didn't forget how much you like pie.
I'm sorry.
I was just trying to help I guess, I don't know.
(CHUCKLES LIGHTLY) You fat fuck.
(MUSIC CONTINUES) Subtitle by peritta
Diane was a big part of your life.
And that's not effectual 'cause she was such a huge whale, but You know what I mean.
Just let it all out.
(MARIA SIGHS) She's gone.
Just like that.
(SIGHS) Know what always helps me when I'm feeling down? - Mmm.
- Some food.
Maybe we should have something to eat? Yeah.
I'll, I'll make some pasta.
No, no, no, no, no.
You know what, Ma? Let me do it.
- Let me make the pasta, okay? - What? No.
Yeah, yeah.
Ma, sit down, please.
Let me do it, okay.
Come on.
- Come on, sit down.
- Oh, come No! Mama, sit down, okay? I'm gonna make some pasta.
You relax, okay? I got this.
Ma, trust me, okay.
I got it.
All right? (CLATTERING) So how the fuck do you make pasta? Oh, my God! All right.
This is gonna be, um hard to hear.
Yeah, even harder to, to understand.
But I've never lied to you, right? Right? Ma, you're freaking me out here.
Just answer the question.
Have I ever lied to you? No.
No, you have never ever lied to me.
- Good.
- Good.
Because when I got pregnant with you I was a virgin.
That sucks.
No.
I mean, I never had sex.
With anyone.
Ever.
I was a virgin, and then I was a pregnant virgin.
So, what are you saying? Sal you're the Second Coming.
Of what? (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Subtitle by peritta Ma.
Ma, are you sure, that you didn't, like, sit in a pile of sperms, or something like that? 'Cause, listen, that's what Vince's cousin, Eric said happened with his girlfriend, so What I'm sure of is that it's a miracle.
You ask Father Luke.
(SCOFFS) I'm not gonna ask that nerd anything.
- Because it's time.
- You know what it is, Mama? It is a bad time, okay? I got so much going on right now.
You don't even know.
My house flipping business, - for starters.
- Oh, come on, Sal.
Now it's a house flipping business.
Before that it was a limo company.
Then it was a food truck.
And then you wanted to be a carpenter.
- You wanted me to be a carpenter.
- I wanted you to be something.
Ah, so that's what this is all about then, huh? I could drop dead tomorrow.
That's not gonna happen, so don't say that.
That is why I had to tell you today.
(SIGHS DEEPLY) Okay, so what? You want me to go around telling people I'm the Second Coming? And, what, fuckin' high-fiving lepers and shit, just rocking long hair and what? You gotta save the world, Sal.
Oh.
(CHUCKLES) I gotta save the world, huh? (LAUGHS) How, Ma? By doing good deeds.
And getting followers.
You're serious? Ma, you can't (STAMMERS) You just You can't believe this, okay? Would I still be a virgin if I didn't? Oh, come on, you're still a virgin.
You remember when you met Mike Foligno and you refused to wash your hand? It's that with God and my vagina.
- Oh, come on, Ma! No, no, no! - I know I'm your mother, but I'm also a person.
You know, a female person.
I can't handle this, okay? I just I can't.
I'm sorry.
I know helping people has never been your strong suit.
What? How about, uh Nicky Garcia? Are you kidding me? I helped that kid lose over 100 pounds, Ma, okay? I had to be on him too, every single day about what a fat fuck he was until he lost that weight.
The kid shot himself at prom, Sal! (MARIA SIGHS) What, do you think I had something to do with that? Jesus! (INHALES SHARPLY) - (SOBBING) - Ma, don't cry.
Ma, stop crying.
Ma, look, come on, Ma.
I'm sure Nicky is in a better place now, okay? I bet you Nicky is up there in heaven with Diane and just eating deep-fried pizzas and rolling around in doughnuts - and stuff like that.
- That's not why I'm crying.
(SNIFFLES) I'm crying because It wasn't easy being a single mom, you know.
I know.
But, Ma, you did a great job.
I mean Look at this, Ma.
You did this, huh? (SOBS) Ma, you know I can't stand disappointing you.
Okay, so If, if you think I'm the Second Coming You are the Second Coming.
Okay and that's what I'm gonna be then.
Okay? Yeah? - You all done crying now, Ma? - (CHUCKLES) Yeah? All right.
Come here, Ma.
Okay.
Oh, I need to wash this.
Yeah, I know.
I was at Colesons' last night.
It smells like an ashtray full - of perfumed moth balls, huh? - Ugh! (SIGHS) Okay.
What the fuck? (INHALES) (EXHALES) SAL: You don't believe it though, do you, Vince? No.
- You? - Fuck, no! I mean, come on.
Can you imagine the Second Coming of Christ with second coming Sudbury of all places? Yeah, I would have thought, maybe Paris.
- Maybe Tokyo.
- NYC, bro.
Yeah.
- Boston.
- Rome.
- The Vatican.
- Jesus was Italian.
No.
He was a Jew.
(CHUCKLES) This guy You know, if it was true If I knew who my dad was Yeah.
You could stop thinking that he left 'cause he felt suffocated and he abandoned you because you were a burden on him You know, you're a burden sometimes.
If anyone who abandoned you, that's neighborhood kids trapping suffocate you, huh? How's that sound? - I'm sorry, man.
- (SOFTLY) Fuck.
You don't think, I, uh had anything to do with Nicky Garcia shoot himself, do you? He named you in the note.
That's fuckin' news to me, bro.
I mean, if you're Jesus, I am not Judas.
(CHUCKLES) What'd you just say? I said, like, if there's a Judas in the story, then that's not me.
Yeah, but if you don't believe it, why would you even say that? I'm not I'm You're making me very uncomfortable here.
I'm sorry.
I don't believe it.
I'm just saying that I'm you're the Second Coming First of all, I don't think you got anything to worry about.
No.
I'm a stud.
So, Judas You got a few things you should worry about, you know.
- I know.
- Like my devastating left and my thunderous right.
Is that a bet you want to make, Vince? VINCE: So, what's the end game here? Do something nice for him and hopefully get my mom to stop crying.
Can I help you guys? Yeah.
Yeah, my friend and I Well, mostly me if I'm being honest, we, um We want to buy you lunch.
Now? No.
Sometime, when you're not busy at work.
You got money? This fuckin' homeless guy is asking me if I got money! Yeah, I got fuckin' money.
- All right.
- What the fuck, bro? I'm sorry, did you say breakfast or lunch? - What's the difference? - Well, lunch is a blow job and breakfast is a handy with once around the rim.
- Once.
- What's dinner? - Vince! - Full service.
- He'll stick with lunch.
- You're the boss.
I just want to buy you lunch bro, okay? Like a real lunch.
Stop being a fag, get your dick out.
- No, no, no! No, no.
- HOMELESS GUY: Come on! - He's strong! - Stop being weird.
- (SIRENS WAILING) - No! - Fuck, buddy! Vince! - It's easier if you pull your dick out.
FATHER LUKE: You finally told him! Maria, this is what we've been looking for.
- Oh - This is amazing.
No, it isn't.
Oh, of course, it is.
- Why would you think otherwise? - Oh, because Carmela Russo's son Rocko is getting married.
- And? - And he has Down Syndrome.
- Maria! - Oh, don't, okay.
Look, I think it's wonderful, beautiful, and I cried when I found out, okay? And as much as I believe, Down Syndrome kids can do - everything other kids can do.
- Look, Maria, please, can you stop before you say something you're going to regret? Mine should be beating him! Maria, Ten Hail Marys, right now.
- Oh, five.
- Eight, final offer.
Fine.
(SIGHS) Oh, Sal didn't even finish high school.
He's allergic to peanuts.
What does that have to do with anything? You really think that the Second Coming would have a peanut allergy? He can't even make pasta.
If, if I die tomorrow, he's fucked! Best case scenario, he starves to death.
Best case.
The Bible even says, that the Second Coming will come in all His glory.
- Okay.
- And everybody will know and see it.
I understand.
Yes, it's true.
Sal is not exactly Hollywood Jesus.
But the Bible isn't a manual, okay? This isn't science, this is real.
But what about the glory We have to prepare him for the glory.
That's where the good deeds come in.
So that when the glory finally arrives, he and everybody that he has helped will finally see it and know it.
- Easier said - Maria, please.
You can't have doubts now.
Not you, you're the virgin mother! You really believe that the world is gonna buy this? Of course they are! The world is constantly seeing Jesus in toast, in water stains.
- (SCOFFS) - And we have proof.
Three doctors confirm your virginity.
The Armenian one said your hymen was (SWALLOWS) thicker than a vault.
You remember my accident? And what of it? Yeah, I still don't remember it.
I remember leaving the house and then waking up in the hospital, and a couple of months later, I was pregnant.
Well, I'll tell you what I remember about it.
I remember that the doctors said it was a miracle that you survived.
God didn't just save your life that day, God gave you new life.
That accident isn't an explanation of anything.
It's proof of everything.
It was just a fuckin' fire truck, you pussy.
- I'm not a pussy.
- You are a pussy.
I'm not a pussy.
I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, thank you very much.
Big difference.
What are you doing? I'm making a wheelchair.
How do you figure? I collect tabs for a charity that recycles them into wheelchairs.
And I thought I made dumb decisions.
- Right.
- VINCE: It's a fine decision.
Oh, anyways, thanks for lunch, guys.
Hold on, buddy.
Where the fuck are you going? What do you want? Um, like, a fuckin' bit more gratitude would be nice, for starters.
Look, I'm grateful, but if you think you're the first guy that bought me lunch You want more, do more.
VINCE: Been a while since I've been here.
They all look like they're getting tested, and stuff.
Why don't you just shut the fuck up and get jerked off, Vince! Would you believe I've never been to a rub and tug before? Well, you smell like shit and you don't have a home, so, of course I would.
Fair enough.
Okay, so pick one.
I like that one.
She's got a mean face.
Well, what about Rita over there, she's got great fun bags and she has little hands too.
Uh, those are nice, but I like her.
- Now you gotta be prepared.
- Mmm-hmm.
Because she's gonna try and upsell you, okay? Nude, topless, nude reverse, which is pure cock-torture.
Then she's gonna hit you with the body glide, and that's only worth it if she lets you finger her, but the bottom-line is, I'm not paying for any of it, okay? So if you want her to do more than burp your baby, you gotta cough up the dough yourself.
I'm just nervous.
SAL: What's going on, Nicole? - Can you lie down please? - Mmm-hmm.
So me and this guy and my other buddy, we just got the best porchetta sandwich in Sudbury.
If you want I'll take you sometime.
No, it's okay.
I can afford my own food, thanks.
All due respect, the fuck's the matter with you? You come here more than any other regular.
You know that, right? - Yeah, it helps me unwind.
- Mmm.
Oil or powder? Oh.
I don't know if I really need SAL: Go powder.
Oil makes you come like a bastard.
- Okay, powder.
- What the fuck's the matter with you? I want him to get his money's worth, what the fuck's the matter with you? (BREATHES DEEPLY) Oh, my God.
- Do you even have a job? - No, not really.
I'm homeless.
Me I'm an entrepreneur.
So, no.
Why even ask me out if you can't pay for it? Don't flatter yourself.
I wasn't asking you out, I was just telling you about this wicked sandwich I had.
- But if you did wanna go out - I don't go out with clients.
Yeah, but I'm not your client.
Yeah, no shit.
And who the fuck brings a homeless guy to a rub and tug? Oh, it sounds like it had something to do with his mother.
- Hey, that was private.
- Oh, so he's a weirdo.
Since when does a weirdo want to make your mother happy, huh? Since I'm jerking off a fuckin' hobo! Quite aggressively, I might point out.
It's called being nice.
You might want to try that sometime.
- You're an idiot.
- Okay, it's starting to hurt.
I should have gone with oil.
Shut up.
I'm trying to finish you.
Okay, but, ow! My penis.
Take it easy, okay.
You may rip the thing off.
Oh, really? You could do better? - Actually, yeah.
- But no, though, right? - You shut up! - (SPITTING) - (HOMELESS GUY MOANS) - You're a real fighter, aren't you? - Yeah.
- SAL: Oh, I get it.
You are mad because I never picked you to jerk me off, right? Get over yourself.
- Everyone freeze! - Oh, fuck! - Hey, Sal.
- Hey, what's going on? (LAUGHS) Oh, yeah.
Oh! Boom goes the dynamite! That was the one.
Oh, thank you, miss.
Thank you.
Thank you, Sal.
Officer Jacobs, good to see you.
Sorry about all the cum, guys.
FATHER LUKE: That's right, folks.
He is here! But he won't look like that! For one, he won't be on a cross, so that's different.
And he won't be the Holy Trinity of handsome.
Bearded, beautiful, blue-eyed.
He won't be that.
He might be very tall.
He might even be a little bit slovenly.
He might get on your nerves.
He might even drink a bit.
Confusing that God would choose him, really.
He might be black.
No, he won't be black (CLEARS THROAT) (CHUCKLES) (STUTTERS ) I'm saying that he can't be It's just he, he won't be this time.
But, uh, good guestion though.
Thank you, Mabel.
Folks.
He might be an ass.
Because he's testing us.
He's testing our faith.
'Cause that's what this is about.
Faith, not facts.
Facts are for cowards and faith is for the strong.
So I ask you Are you strong enough? And if you are, I want you to answer loud and clear and strong.
But not with your mouths, but with your hearts.
And your wallets.
And the collection plates.
MAN: All rise.
(SAL SNICKERS) There he is, Mr.
Salvatore Camilucci.
How are you? Oh, shit.
Yeah, from high school.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Jason, right? Daryl It was Daryl.
- With the big pool.
- With the big pool.
- Yeah.
- We had some killer parties there.
Yeah.
And I'm sleeping with my girlfriend Kathy and We had a lot of fun.
Sorry about that.
No.
No, dude.
No, no, no.
I should be thanking you.
- She's huge now.
It's embarrassing.
- Oh.
Dodged a bullet.
And that's why I saw your name on the public defender's list, I was, like, "I got to take the case for this guy.
" - Really? You got me? - I got you.
- Yeah.
- Payback.
- I appreciate that, man.
Thank you.
- It is payback.
- Okay.
- Yeah, yeah.
Uh, remember Vince from high school? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- He was with me Oh, yeah.
He's fine.
He's fine.
He ended up getting charged for police evasion and indecent exposure 'cause he was running down the street with his dick flopping out, but he's okay.
- Classic Vince charges.
- Yeah.
Is it? - Yeah.
- (CHUCKLES) You want to talk about the case? You remember Nicky Garcia? Yeah.
You don't think I had anything with what happened to him, do you? - You? - Yeah.
- No.
No, man.
Absolutely not.
- (SIGHS DEEPLY) I mean, he did, but I didn't.
How'd you know that? (SIGHS DEEPLY) He was wearing your football jersey - Oh, fuck off! - Yeah.
How are you gonna plead? Guilty.
Guilty, why? Why would you plead guilty? Sal, I remember back in high school when that drunk driving display was parked out front - Yeah.
- Remember what you did? You stole it.
- You sold the parts.
- I was drunk driving when I sold it.
Drunk driving.
Yeah.
And remember when the guidance counselor, he was like, "Hey, I want to put Sal in that special school.
" - Fuck, yeah.
- You did what? - Help me out.
- I did sex with his wife.
Um, you did sex with his wife.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Yeah, yeah.
Where the hell's that guy? What do you mean? He's still here.
- Sal "fuck the world" Camilucci? - Fuckin' the world on regular, buddy.
Is he? I mean, I don't know.
Because, I mean That guy didn't really back down from a fight, but I mean, that's okay.
JUDGE: Next up, Salvatore Camilucci.
Now, come on, buddy.
- Salvatore Camilucci.
- Come on.
MAN: How do you plead? Not fuckin' guilty! All right.
Officer, take him away.
- Your Honor.
Sal.
Sal.
- I did it, bro.
What the fuck? - Hey, hey, hey! - Don't worry.
I got it.
SAL: Fuck! Oh, I fuckin' hate that guy.
- Partheno - Parthenogenesis.
It's a form of asexual reproduction where an embryo is fertilized without intercourse.
And that can happen in humans? Theoretically, anything can happen.
Huh.
Can you get pregnant by sitting in a pile of someone's sperm? I'm sorry, a pile? Or whatever the medical term is.
It's just sperm, regardless of the quantity.
And parthenogenesis is probably more likely than getting pregnant by sitting in it.
Like the story of the virginal conception from the Bible, right? Well, that's just it, it's a story.
Well, well, are you saying that that didn't happen, or, or, it couldn't happen? Maria, I really don't think I'm Well, just tell me if it's possible for a virgin, like, who's never had sex, like Mary from the Bible, to get pregnant in a way that has nothing to do with God or miracles? In theory, stranger things have happened.
Probably.
- Partheno - Parthenogenesis.
(BUZZER SOUNDING) Andrew.
Sal.
- What are you doing here? - (CLEARS THROAT) The court stenographer called me.
Don't worry.
I'm here to help.
How can you help me? Please, how can you help me? I know a lot of people.
I could pull a few strings, talk to the judge.
I guarantee I can get you out of here early.
No, no, no, man.
Early is not going to do it, okay.
- Thanks.
- I'm gonna get eaten alive in here.
Sal.
I'm going to take care of you.
(SOFTLY) We are going to change the world.
We're gonna change the world, huh? Yeah.
Your mother and I have been waiting for 30 years for this day.
Yeah, well, you're both fuckin' nuts! - We are not - Yeah, you are.
You're fuckin' nuts.
We are not nuts, Sal.
Your mother was a pregnant virgin.
Okay, well, then there's got to be another explanation for this pregnant virgin thing.
Sal, I have devoted my entire life to being a priest.
- And do you know why? - Yeah, 'cause you want to be Bishop.
No.
That's not the reason why.
Well, you talk about it a lot.
Like, "When I'm Bishop this, when I'm Bishop that.
" A guy's got to have ambition.
But that's not the reason I became a priest.
Why then? Because you work, like, two, three hours a day? No, that's not it.
Well, putting wafers on people's tongue doesn't tell them they're going to hell, that's not work, you know.
There's a lot more to it than that.
- Really? - Yes.
I have to do weddings, baptisms, confessionals, funerals, oh, funerals.
Funerals are very challenging.
How's a funeral challenging? The guy's already dead.
- You dig the grave? - Of course not.
- Oh, you don't dig the grave, do you? - Of course, I don't.
Okay, listen, you live in a mansion that you don't have to pay rent for, so other than the celibacy thing, I think you got a pretty sweet deal, bro.
You know what? I think I think I'm going to become a priest.
Gonna get out of here and do the priest thing for a little bit, you know You know, I'm just gonna go right now and call your mother.
- Okay, good.
Thank you.
- But here's a little bit of advice.
Be careful about what you eat.
They use peanuts as filler.
- Oh, they use penis as fillers? - Everything - Penis? I never - You said, penis as filler.
No, you did.
- Sal, I never said - I'm pretty sure you did.
I think I would know if I said Okay.
(CLEARS THROAT) Just don't eat them.
Relax.
I'm not actually allergic to peanuts.
- Sal - What? I've known you your whole life.
You are allergic to peanuts.
No.
Vince is allergic to peanuts.
I just said I was, so other kids would make fun of me.
You know what a pussy that guy is.
What? So You're telling me that you pretended to be allergic just so that Vince wouldn't feel bad? Yeah.
Oh.
Holy shit.
Holy, holy, holiest of shits.
Sal isn't allergic to peanuts.
Holy shit.
You scared me.
He faked a peanut allergy so Vince wouldn't feel bad.
This is proof that he's the Second Coming.
How is that proof? Who forgoes an entire food so somebody else feels better? Vegetarians.
Okay, sure.
But for one specific person? First of all, how do you know this? I just talked to Sal.
He's in prison.
He got arrested at an erotic massage house.
Oh, for the love of God! But as long as he's not allergic to peanuts, everything's fine.
You're missing the point.
This means that he's a good person.
A great person.
The only reason that he is so spoiled and entitled is because of us! This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is the savior.
My doctor says there's another explanation for getting pregnant without sex.
Parthenogenesis.
- That's one person's opinion.
- She's a doctor.
A family doctor.
Come on! Still, it's the first opinion that makes sense.
Finally! Wait.
How often did she say that this partheno thing happens anyway? Not often.
It's very rare.
Every 2,000 years rare? (SIGHS DEEPLY) Maria, just because something is a fluke, doesn't mean that it's not special.
In fact, it means just the opposite.
SAL: Okay, so you guys are gonna bail me out though, right? - Yeah, as soon as we get the money.
- Yeah.
But it's gonna take a little bit of time.
Yeah.
I mean, it's pretty hard to save the world from inside a jail, that's for sure.
Okay, listen, I've been thinking that there is probably another explanation for this whole pregnant virgin thing.
Just sort of spitballing here but, what if You did have sex with someone.
Oh! I think I'd remember losing my virginity.
Yeah.
But what if you, like, blocked it out mentally, because you were, like Raped.
- I was raped.
- What? - By God.
- Absolutely not.
No.
Well, I never consented but I'm happy that he did it.
Stop saying that you were raped by God.
Okay, look, if I'm Jesus, how come I can't shoot out miracles, huh? Like in the Bible, always shooting out miracles, right? Sal, that's because the Bible is just a book of fables.
Simple tales meant to convey moral lessons for simple people.
And anyway, you don't need miracles to get followers.
But you need unconditional love and kindness.
Okay, I'm a little fucked in half in here, aren't I? Okay, about that I have done an awful lot of counseling for prisoners.
So, here's what you got to do.
The moment you walk in the joint, walk up to the biggest, toughest guy and just sock him in the jaw.
(SIGHS) Jesus.
(BUZZER SOUNDING) (PRISONERS LAUGHING AND CHATTING) (PRISONERS EXCLAIMING) Fuck! You got a death wish? What the fuck's wrong with you? I'm just earning respect that my priest told me to.
- Respect? - (PANTING) Peepers was blind as a bat.
- Peepers? - Think you can just hit someone in here and not pay for it? - This ain't a fucking movie, man! - PEEPERS: Wait! I can see! - It's a miracle.
- Holy shit.
- I can see! - (YELLS) (THUDS) - Vince! - Let's do this now! SAL: Vince! No! (MUSIC PLAYING) (PAPER BAG RUSTLING) Don't worry.
I didn't forget how much you like pie.
I'm sorry.
I was just trying to help I guess, I don't know.
(CHUCKLES LIGHTLY) You fat fuck.
(MUSIC CONTINUES) Subtitle by peritta