Wizards of Waverly Place s03e16 Episode Script
Western Show
And this is the hallway.
A long corridor that students can use to mosey from class to class.
I know what a hallway is, Laritate.
Right.
Sorry.
Uh, Superintendent Clanton, it's just that I'm a little nervous.
Your surprise school inspection caught me totally off-guard.
Yes, that's the surprise part.
You'll be fine as long as you've been running a shipshape ship.
[playing out-of tune.]
Oh, hey.
I just joined the school's one-man marching band.
We don't have a one-man marching band, Max.
I can see why, 'cause I sound terrible.
See you guys later.
Unsafe use of musical instruments.
I can explain that.
Actually, I can't.
Quick, Justin.
Say something amazing.
An object in motion tends to stay in motion unless acted upon by an external, unbalanced, force.
Good enough.
Let's get you out of here while that's still fresh in your mind.
Out of my way, people.
Coming through! Alex, what is going on? Don't you remember? It's Roller Skates and Pie Day.
I've been planning this for months.
Roller Skates and Pie Day? What kind of a rusty freighter are you running, Captain? Don't worry.
I'll pull in the reins on this cattle drive.
- Alex, come back here.
- Nope! This is not a good time for this.
Look what you did! You know, the fact that I don't know who you are makes this even more satisfying.
And interestingly enough, that was a perfect example of the law I was just describing.
The object in motion Stay with me now, her Not now with the nerd stuff, Justin.
Laritate, you have obviously lost control of the helm.
And it seems that this young sailor here may be the iceberg that sinks your Titanic.
[giggles.]
Oh, that's very sweet of you to say.
Thank you.
Laritate, as you know, it is the job of the principal to control his students and sink their spirit whenever possible.
If you're not up to the task, I have no choice but to relieve you of your command.
- What are you saying? - I'm saying stand down from the bridge.
Are you saying I should get out of the saddle? That's horsefeathers! I'm sorry.
I don't know what that means.
Oh, for gosh sakes, he just fired you, and he's upset about it.
You're making a very huge mistake, Superintendent Clanton.
Would it make you feel better if I gave you a goodbye pie? I'm in no mood, Miss Russo.
It's lemon meringue.
Thank you.
* Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze * * That the end will no doubt justify the means * * You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease * * Yes, please * But you might find out it'll go to your head * * When you write a report on a book you never read * * With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed * * That's what I said * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams * * You might run into trouble if you go to extremes * * Because everything is not what it seems * * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can have what you want by the simplest of means * * Be careful not to mess with the balance of things * * Because everything is not * What it seems * Keep moving, deckhands.
Get to class.
Iceberg alert.
Hello, Superintendent Clanton.
You know, I was thinking of funny things I could do that'd drive you crazy.
But then I thought, "Alex, why not give the poor guy a break?" So I baked you this cake instead.
Mmm-hmm.
Uh-huh Mmm-hmm Ah! The ol' fish-in-the-cake bit.
Yum.
I like to eat the middle first, too.
I'm on to you, Russo.
I used to be a gym teacher.
Do you know what that means? It means I was kicked out of the Navy.
That's right.
Four and a half weeks of basic training, so you don't scare me one bit.
[clears throat.]
Ahoy there, Superintendent Clanton.
Hello, barnacle.
I would just like to welcome you, sir, to our school with a basket full of fruits and bath oils, courtesy of the Student Body President and future valedictorian.
No, thank you.
I have no respect for students who use their good grades and stellar behavior to curry favor with authority.
Hey, what are you guys talking about? My word.
What is that on your head? That would be his mashed potato helmet.
Correction, Alex, it was my mashed potato helmet.
At some point during my walk to school it became my bug helmet.
Need I remind you students things are different now that Laritate is gone.
Behavior like yours will no longer be tolerated.
And to prove that I mean business, I'm amplifying my voice with this bullhorn.
Now drop and give me 20.
All of you.
All right, look.
I'll give you 20 bucks, 'cause the whole workout thing isn't really my scene.
Just do the push-ups, sailor.
If you have to, you can do the girly version like your brother.
It allows me to do more reps for tone.
We need to get Mr.
Laritate back.
He likes my fish cake.
Once, he threw away the cake and ate the fish.
Keep going, mashed potato-head.
- Hey, how was school? - Horrible.
Look at how our new principal's making everybody dress.
I mean, how are we supposed to tell the weirdos from the losers? I think I could make that work, don't you? No.
It's hideous.
OK, but I'm asking if it's acceptable for me to wear young people's clothes.
Ah, greetings and salutations darling mother.
Honorable father.
Would any of you care for a nutritious snack? Max? Are you feeling OK? Never better, actually.
Our new principal's strict rules and dress codes have taken the guesswork out of my life.
I feel so much more focused now.
Can we please agree to leave the pillows as we found them? Thank you very much.
Jerry.
There's something seriously wrong with our son.
Isn't it great? No, it's not great.
Look what I found in his backpack.
Jerry, those are college brochures.
I know.
I can't pay for that.
You cannot just leave here wearing a mashed potato helmet and come sauntering back in wanting to go to college.
Alex, I heard at the hobby shop that Mr.
Laritate took a new job at some place called, huh, Wild Bill's Western Round-Up and Tent Rental.
That's great.
We've got to get down there and convince him to come back to school.
Come on, Max.
I don't think so, Alex.
With my new appreciation of law and order, I'd much rather stay home and conform to the rules of society.
OK.
Mr.
Laritate, we really need to talk to you right now.
Howdy, buckaroos.
Can I interest you in a ride on one of my prized broncos? No, this is important.
See, the thing is Seriously, I can't talk to you unless you're riding the horses or renting the tent.
Whoa, whoa! I was gonna get on that short one.
- Go.
- You know I'm afraid of heights! Westward ho! All right, what did you need to talk to me about? You need to come back to Tribeca Prep.
Superintendent Clanton's the worst.
He's not afraid of Alex, he doesn't find me charming, he's making Max make sense, which is It's all backwards! I'd like to help you kids, but, unfortunately, I'm finally living the life I was meant to live.
As a part-time employee of Wild Bill's Western Round-Up? Yes.
Take a look around.
The life of the cowboy.
Where men can be men and the stallions can roam free along the wide open plain.
Who am I kidding? This is nothing like the Old West.
Just a tent in a parking lot.
Unfortunately, I was born at the wrong time in history.
Working here at Wild Bill's is as close as I'll ever get to living my dream.
Woo-hoo! This is fun.
I'm gonna call you Scout.
Yeah There's just no place for me in this modern world with its creamy-licious coffee drinks and its crazy doo-wop music.
I'd like to help you kids, but I'm sorry, I can't.
* Who's the best pony in the world? * * Scout is, Scout is - * Scout, yes you are - Justin! I think I made a new friend.
Right.
Uh OK, OK! If we can figure out a way to prove to Mr.
Laritate that his life wouldn't be better if he were a cowboy, then that's what we need to do.
- Wait a minute.
I have an idea.
- OK.
I'm gonna go to the Sub Station.
You get Mr.
Laritate to come there when his shift is done.
So, uh, where are those musky aftershaves you promised me? I'll get them in just a second, Mr.
Laritate.
Wait right here.
OK, He's here.
What's the plan? Watch.
Say good night out like a light [snores.]
I hope you have more to your plan than this.
Old West, right away Yippie-yi-ki-yay [ragtime music plays.]
You brought us back to the Old West! Yes, so that Mr.
Laritate can see that living in the Old West isn't as great as he thinks it is.
Then he'll let go of this crazy dream once and for all, and want to be our principal again.
Alex.
What did you do? Yeah, I was just hiding Max's textbooks when, all of a sudden, I'm in this ridiculous outfit.
Although I do like this corset.
Yeah, why didn't I get one of those? Don't worry.
We're doing something that'll teach our principal a valuable lesson.
You mean the guy passed out on the floor over there? Yes, and when he comes to, everybody just act westerny.
I don't know how to act westerny.
Just say "Howdy, pardner" and "I reckon" a lot.
I call the word, "varmint.
" [groans.]
Oh, what happened? - What's going on? - You're having a dream.
Oh, my gosh, I am.
I'm dreaming about being in the Old West.
And, look, I'm the sheriff.
[clears throat.]
Uh, yes, well Now that you're here, pardner, you can see that the Old West is a terrible place to live, pardner.
There's no vending machines, no air conditioning, and no microwavable popcorn pardner.
And, look, there's only two things on the menu.
I reckon you want to get out of here right now, - I reckon.
- Pardner.
Are you kidding? Coyote cutlets and possum-tail soup.
I'll have one of each.
Range and Strange! Great! He's loving all this.
Now what are we gonna do? Don't worry.
I'll create an evil villain that'll scare the Old West out of him.
Bad, bad Leroy Brown, run Laritate out of town.
Hey, why did everybody get so quiet all of a sudden? My listenin' holes tell me there's a new sheriff in town.
Superintendent Clanton? I don't know what fancy words yer hurlin', but the name's Old Man Clanton.
Has been since I was 12 years old.
Know why? 'Cause I took down my old man.
Now, you best skedaddle, law man.
Or I reckon you might be answerin' to this here gang of outlaws, hooligans and assorted yahoos.
Oh, my gosh.
He knows more cowboy words than I do.
You were right.
There's no way Laritate's gonna want to stay here with these guys.
What's the matter? Ya yellow-bellied? No.
Are you yellow-bellied? No.
Are you? Oh, well, this could take forever.
Mr.
Laritate? Um Oh! What's that, Sheriff? You think that vest makes Old Man Clanton look like a dumb cactus buzzard? What? I didn't say Listen here, law man.
Nobody, and I mean nobody calls me a dumb cactus buzzard? buzzard and gets away with it.
Get him, boys! [all shouting, grunting.]
[up-tempo music plays.]
[crashing.]
Oh, thank you.
Oh, my goodness.
Total lawlessness.
[Max.]
Excuse me.
Total lawlessness! - [laughs.]
- [all shouting.]
Oh, my gosh.
Mr.
Laritate won.
I I can't believe it.
Is it over? Yep, it's over.
Hot smoke and sassafras! Looks like those dudes picked on the wrong cow.
I realize I just called myself a cow, but I'm in too good of a mood to care.
It looks like my plan to get Laritate to hate the Old West didn't work.
You were right, Mr.
Laritate.
You were meant to be a cowboy after all.
You bet your Mexican blankets I was.
He's never gonna come back to Tribeca Prep with us now.
Come on, let's go.
Wait.
I don't want to stay here.
You don't? I horsewhipped the outlaws of the Old West.
I got my gumption back.
Now I need to take care of the outlaws of the modern day.
Just as soon as I wake up from this glorious dream.
Modern day, right away Yippie-yi-ki-yay Now, you listen, Clanton.
I've got something to say.
I'm the principal of this school, and I aim to stake my claim and take my job back.
You can't just barge in here and bully your way back into your job, Laritate.
This isn't the Old West.
Or is it? Posse! Cute.
Now go change, you're out of uniform.
No.
These are our uniforms.
Oh Disobeying orders.
You all have detention.
Well, you're gonna have to put the entire school in detention, because everybody in school's wearing western wear.
No, don't look.
Just take my word for it.
Yeah, take her word for it, because we're all behind Laritate.
You You're turning everyone against me.
Just like Chief Petty Officer Gunther did back in basic training in the Navy.
Who cares if I wouldn't share the cupcakes in my foot locker! Mommy sent them to me! Are we having cupcakes? Vamoose, Clanton.
That's right.
You can catch the 3:10 to Cupcakeville.
Pardner! You're all meanies.
You can have this job.
Abandon ship! You know what your problem is, Clanton? When things get tough, you give up.
I could never do that to these kids.
When the going gets rough, this cowboy sticks around and goes down with the ship.
And, occasionally, we don't go down.
Not today.
I found his cupcakes.
It's good to be back in the saddle.
Anyway, so she turned out to be a centaur so we broke up.
I think you might like her, though.
Well, the horse half anyway.
Mine's broken.
The head's on the wrong end.
Or maybe I'm broken.
But, nice beard.
I'm gonna name mine Justin.
Because he's got weird hair and he walks around in circles.
Hi, Justin, nice hair.
A long corridor that students can use to mosey from class to class.
I know what a hallway is, Laritate.
Right.
Sorry.
Uh, Superintendent Clanton, it's just that I'm a little nervous.
Your surprise school inspection caught me totally off-guard.
Yes, that's the surprise part.
You'll be fine as long as you've been running a shipshape ship.
[playing out-of tune.]
Oh, hey.
I just joined the school's one-man marching band.
We don't have a one-man marching band, Max.
I can see why, 'cause I sound terrible.
See you guys later.
Unsafe use of musical instruments.
I can explain that.
Actually, I can't.
Quick, Justin.
Say something amazing.
An object in motion tends to stay in motion unless acted upon by an external, unbalanced, force.
Good enough.
Let's get you out of here while that's still fresh in your mind.
Out of my way, people.
Coming through! Alex, what is going on? Don't you remember? It's Roller Skates and Pie Day.
I've been planning this for months.
Roller Skates and Pie Day? What kind of a rusty freighter are you running, Captain? Don't worry.
I'll pull in the reins on this cattle drive.
- Alex, come back here.
- Nope! This is not a good time for this.
Look what you did! You know, the fact that I don't know who you are makes this even more satisfying.
And interestingly enough, that was a perfect example of the law I was just describing.
The object in motion Stay with me now, her Not now with the nerd stuff, Justin.
Laritate, you have obviously lost control of the helm.
And it seems that this young sailor here may be the iceberg that sinks your Titanic.
[giggles.]
Oh, that's very sweet of you to say.
Thank you.
Laritate, as you know, it is the job of the principal to control his students and sink their spirit whenever possible.
If you're not up to the task, I have no choice but to relieve you of your command.
- What are you saying? - I'm saying stand down from the bridge.
Are you saying I should get out of the saddle? That's horsefeathers! I'm sorry.
I don't know what that means.
Oh, for gosh sakes, he just fired you, and he's upset about it.
You're making a very huge mistake, Superintendent Clanton.
Would it make you feel better if I gave you a goodbye pie? I'm in no mood, Miss Russo.
It's lemon meringue.
Thank you.
* Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze * * That the end will no doubt justify the means * * You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease * * Yes, please * But you might find out it'll go to your head * * When you write a report on a book you never read * * With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed * * That's what I said * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams * * You might run into trouble if you go to extremes * * Because everything is not what it seems * * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can have what you want by the simplest of means * * Be careful not to mess with the balance of things * * Because everything is not * What it seems * Keep moving, deckhands.
Get to class.
Iceberg alert.
Hello, Superintendent Clanton.
You know, I was thinking of funny things I could do that'd drive you crazy.
But then I thought, "Alex, why not give the poor guy a break?" So I baked you this cake instead.
Mmm-hmm.
Uh-huh Mmm-hmm Ah! The ol' fish-in-the-cake bit.
Yum.
I like to eat the middle first, too.
I'm on to you, Russo.
I used to be a gym teacher.
Do you know what that means? It means I was kicked out of the Navy.
That's right.
Four and a half weeks of basic training, so you don't scare me one bit.
[clears throat.]
Ahoy there, Superintendent Clanton.
Hello, barnacle.
I would just like to welcome you, sir, to our school with a basket full of fruits and bath oils, courtesy of the Student Body President and future valedictorian.
No, thank you.
I have no respect for students who use their good grades and stellar behavior to curry favor with authority.
Hey, what are you guys talking about? My word.
What is that on your head? That would be his mashed potato helmet.
Correction, Alex, it was my mashed potato helmet.
At some point during my walk to school it became my bug helmet.
Need I remind you students things are different now that Laritate is gone.
Behavior like yours will no longer be tolerated.
And to prove that I mean business, I'm amplifying my voice with this bullhorn.
Now drop and give me 20.
All of you.
All right, look.
I'll give you 20 bucks, 'cause the whole workout thing isn't really my scene.
Just do the push-ups, sailor.
If you have to, you can do the girly version like your brother.
It allows me to do more reps for tone.
We need to get Mr.
Laritate back.
He likes my fish cake.
Once, he threw away the cake and ate the fish.
Keep going, mashed potato-head.
- Hey, how was school? - Horrible.
Look at how our new principal's making everybody dress.
I mean, how are we supposed to tell the weirdos from the losers? I think I could make that work, don't you? No.
It's hideous.
OK, but I'm asking if it's acceptable for me to wear young people's clothes.
Ah, greetings and salutations darling mother.
Honorable father.
Would any of you care for a nutritious snack? Max? Are you feeling OK? Never better, actually.
Our new principal's strict rules and dress codes have taken the guesswork out of my life.
I feel so much more focused now.
Can we please agree to leave the pillows as we found them? Thank you very much.
Jerry.
There's something seriously wrong with our son.
Isn't it great? No, it's not great.
Look what I found in his backpack.
Jerry, those are college brochures.
I know.
I can't pay for that.
You cannot just leave here wearing a mashed potato helmet and come sauntering back in wanting to go to college.
Alex, I heard at the hobby shop that Mr.
Laritate took a new job at some place called, huh, Wild Bill's Western Round-Up and Tent Rental.
That's great.
We've got to get down there and convince him to come back to school.
Come on, Max.
I don't think so, Alex.
With my new appreciation of law and order, I'd much rather stay home and conform to the rules of society.
OK.
Mr.
Laritate, we really need to talk to you right now.
Howdy, buckaroos.
Can I interest you in a ride on one of my prized broncos? No, this is important.
See, the thing is Seriously, I can't talk to you unless you're riding the horses or renting the tent.
Whoa, whoa! I was gonna get on that short one.
- Go.
- You know I'm afraid of heights! Westward ho! All right, what did you need to talk to me about? You need to come back to Tribeca Prep.
Superintendent Clanton's the worst.
He's not afraid of Alex, he doesn't find me charming, he's making Max make sense, which is It's all backwards! I'd like to help you kids, but, unfortunately, I'm finally living the life I was meant to live.
As a part-time employee of Wild Bill's Western Round-Up? Yes.
Take a look around.
The life of the cowboy.
Where men can be men and the stallions can roam free along the wide open plain.
Who am I kidding? This is nothing like the Old West.
Just a tent in a parking lot.
Unfortunately, I was born at the wrong time in history.
Working here at Wild Bill's is as close as I'll ever get to living my dream.
Woo-hoo! This is fun.
I'm gonna call you Scout.
Yeah There's just no place for me in this modern world with its creamy-licious coffee drinks and its crazy doo-wop music.
I'd like to help you kids, but I'm sorry, I can't.
* Who's the best pony in the world? * * Scout is, Scout is - * Scout, yes you are - Justin! I think I made a new friend.
Right.
Uh OK, OK! If we can figure out a way to prove to Mr.
Laritate that his life wouldn't be better if he were a cowboy, then that's what we need to do.
- Wait a minute.
I have an idea.
- OK.
I'm gonna go to the Sub Station.
You get Mr.
Laritate to come there when his shift is done.
So, uh, where are those musky aftershaves you promised me? I'll get them in just a second, Mr.
Laritate.
Wait right here.
OK, He's here.
What's the plan? Watch.
Say good night out like a light [snores.]
I hope you have more to your plan than this.
Old West, right away Yippie-yi-ki-yay [ragtime music plays.]
You brought us back to the Old West! Yes, so that Mr.
Laritate can see that living in the Old West isn't as great as he thinks it is.
Then he'll let go of this crazy dream once and for all, and want to be our principal again.
Alex.
What did you do? Yeah, I was just hiding Max's textbooks when, all of a sudden, I'm in this ridiculous outfit.
Although I do like this corset.
Yeah, why didn't I get one of those? Don't worry.
We're doing something that'll teach our principal a valuable lesson.
You mean the guy passed out on the floor over there? Yes, and when he comes to, everybody just act westerny.
I don't know how to act westerny.
Just say "Howdy, pardner" and "I reckon" a lot.
I call the word, "varmint.
" [groans.]
Oh, what happened? - What's going on? - You're having a dream.
Oh, my gosh, I am.
I'm dreaming about being in the Old West.
And, look, I'm the sheriff.
[clears throat.]
Uh, yes, well Now that you're here, pardner, you can see that the Old West is a terrible place to live, pardner.
There's no vending machines, no air conditioning, and no microwavable popcorn pardner.
And, look, there's only two things on the menu.
I reckon you want to get out of here right now, - I reckon.
- Pardner.
Are you kidding? Coyote cutlets and possum-tail soup.
I'll have one of each.
Range and Strange! Great! He's loving all this.
Now what are we gonna do? Don't worry.
I'll create an evil villain that'll scare the Old West out of him.
Bad, bad Leroy Brown, run Laritate out of town.
Hey, why did everybody get so quiet all of a sudden? My listenin' holes tell me there's a new sheriff in town.
Superintendent Clanton? I don't know what fancy words yer hurlin', but the name's Old Man Clanton.
Has been since I was 12 years old.
Know why? 'Cause I took down my old man.
Now, you best skedaddle, law man.
Or I reckon you might be answerin' to this here gang of outlaws, hooligans and assorted yahoos.
Oh, my gosh.
He knows more cowboy words than I do.
You were right.
There's no way Laritate's gonna want to stay here with these guys.
What's the matter? Ya yellow-bellied? No.
Are you yellow-bellied? No.
Are you? Oh, well, this could take forever.
Mr.
Laritate? Um Oh! What's that, Sheriff? You think that vest makes Old Man Clanton look like a dumb cactus buzzard? What? I didn't say Listen here, law man.
Nobody, and I mean nobody calls me a dumb cactus buzzard? buzzard and gets away with it.
Get him, boys! [all shouting, grunting.]
[up-tempo music plays.]
[crashing.]
Oh, thank you.
Oh, my goodness.
Total lawlessness.
[Max.]
Excuse me.
Total lawlessness! - [laughs.]
- [all shouting.]
Oh, my gosh.
Mr.
Laritate won.
I I can't believe it.
Is it over? Yep, it's over.
Hot smoke and sassafras! Looks like those dudes picked on the wrong cow.
I realize I just called myself a cow, but I'm in too good of a mood to care.
It looks like my plan to get Laritate to hate the Old West didn't work.
You were right, Mr.
Laritate.
You were meant to be a cowboy after all.
You bet your Mexican blankets I was.
He's never gonna come back to Tribeca Prep with us now.
Come on, let's go.
Wait.
I don't want to stay here.
You don't? I horsewhipped the outlaws of the Old West.
I got my gumption back.
Now I need to take care of the outlaws of the modern day.
Just as soon as I wake up from this glorious dream.
Modern day, right away Yippie-yi-ki-yay Now, you listen, Clanton.
I've got something to say.
I'm the principal of this school, and I aim to stake my claim and take my job back.
You can't just barge in here and bully your way back into your job, Laritate.
This isn't the Old West.
Or is it? Posse! Cute.
Now go change, you're out of uniform.
No.
These are our uniforms.
Oh Disobeying orders.
You all have detention.
Well, you're gonna have to put the entire school in detention, because everybody in school's wearing western wear.
No, don't look.
Just take my word for it.
Yeah, take her word for it, because we're all behind Laritate.
You You're turning everyone against me.
Just like Chief Petty Officer Gunther did back in basic training in the Navy.
Who cares if I wouldn't share the cupcakes in my foot locker! Mommy sent them to me! Are we having cupcakes? Vamoose, Clanton.
That's right.
You can catch the 3:10 to Cupcakeville.
Pardner! You're all meanies.
You can have this job.
Abandon ship! You know what your problem is, Clanton? When things get tough, you give up.
I could never do that to these kids.
When the going gets rough, this cowboy sticks around and goes down with the ship.
And, occasionally, we don't go down.
Not today.
I found his cupcakes.
It's good to be back in the saddle.
Anyway, so she turned out to be a centaur so we broke up.
I think you might like her, though.
Well, the horse half anyway.
Mine's broken.
The head's on the wrong end.
Or maybe I'm broken.
But, nice beard.
I'm gonna name mine Justin.
Because he's got weird hair and he walks around in circles.
Hi, Justin, nice hair.