Would I Lie To You? (2007) Episode Scripts

N/A - Jack Dee, Romesh Ranganathan, Gaby Roslin, Tinchy Stryder

APPLAUSE Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie to You? The show with naked truths and well-dressed lies.
On David Mitchell's team tonight, a comedian whose performances have put a smile on many people's faces, if not his own - it's Jack Dee.
APPLAUSE And a man who's cool, he's hip, he's dench, he's amazeballs, he's OMG, he's the dog's bizzle, he's YOLO, I don't know what any of those words mean, it's Tinchy Strider.
APPLAUSE And on Lee Mack's team tonight, a comedian who describes himself as a chubby sociopath, which is strange cos I've never thought of him as a sociopath - it's Romesh Ranganathan.
APPLAUSE And the presenter of the National Lottery where every week some lucky person wins millions of pounds, loses all their friends, breaks up with their spouse, falls out with their family and ends up living alone in a giant house they paid too much for - it's Gaby Roslin.
APPLAUSE And so we begin with Round One, it's Home Truths, where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before, they have no idea what they'll be faced with and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
Romesh, you're up first tonight.
When I was a teacher, whilst trying to explain a tricky concept, I accidentally locked a pupil in a cupboard.
LAUGHTER David's team.
What was the concept? Was it the concept of imprisonment or? LAUGHTER It was a It was a maths lesson, I was teaching the topic of probability and chance.
"What's the chances of getting locked in the cupboard?" Well, that was a That became an extra learning objective.
That wasn't the main one, I was trying to get across the idea of.
LAUGHTER I was trying to get them to understand how to explain the concept of probability.
So, the idea was that if you had, like, an alien arrive on Earth how would you explain probability? Which would be the first thing you'd do, wouldn't you? Yeah.
No, actually "Put the laser down, let me talk to you about maths.
" Yeah.
Romesh, what age group was this? So, this is year eight.
So, 11, 12 years old.
OK, so What happened was, I needed somebody to pretend to be an alien OK.
so I selected a child From the class, I didn't just go out and look for one.
LAUGHTER How did you select? Did you go for the little green one with the pointy ears? Well, no, actually what it was - I thought I was doing a good thing because you know you get some kids that are sort of That have problems making friendships and stuff like that and I had a kid like that in the class so I thought I'd bring him out of himself.
You chose the kid that got bullied LAUGHTER .
to be the alien .
so that the rest of the class can point at him and go, "Alien.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I mean, to be fair, I thought we we're just playing a game, I didn't realise this was an Ofsted inspection.
LAUGHTER So, basically what it was, I was trying to make it realistic.
So I said to him, "Why don't we pretend this cupboard "is like a transformation chamber?" "You know, you go in the cupboard, "you go in as a boy" Oh, it's just It's just getting worse, isn't it? If one of my kids came home from school and described this scene, I'd be down that school like a shot.
How surprised would you then be to see that teacher on the BBC a few years later? LAUGHTER In the current climate, not surprised at all.
APPLAUSE Basically I said to him, "You're going to go into the cupboard, "you're going to transform into an alien.
" What was the concept again you was trying to teach the kid? Probability.
Probability? We haven't got to that bit yet, we're going to find out when he steps out.
Oh, OK.
Oh, we're now trying to find out how to transform to an alien.
Oh, that's what we're looking forward to, him coming out, we never get that far, do we? what am I talking about? "At the next Ofsted inspection, a small skeleton was discovered.
" LAUGHTER And they said, "What are the chances of that?" and they said, "Well, interesting you should ask that.
" APPLAUSE What were you going to do? That's what I want to know.
If he hadn't have got locked in, what were you going to do? The idea was it that he was going to come out and be the alien and then I was going to get different kids to I mean, it "Get different kids to" Don't lose confidence.
LAUGHTER I was going to get different kids to explain to him what probability was.
So, he was going to be, like, the dummy alien and then he'd be like, "Be-be-be" and then LAUGHTER Never to be bullied again.
LAUGHTER I can't help feeling that I'm a little bit under attack here.
It's all right because you may be lying, in which case, you're off the hook.
LAUGHTER Why does it help to understand probability to get children to explain it to an alien? So, basically in, in order to get the idea that a kid understands a concept, them explaining it and that explanation being clear illustrates that they have learnt it completely.
So, Romesh you've, sort of, left it that he's in the cupboard.
He got in Yeah.
What happened? I realised I couldn't open the door .
to let him out, so I started looking around for other teachers to help me and they said, "Actually, the cupboard "it can be opened from the inside.
" The problem came when I said to him, "You're going to have to come out of the cupboard, "just open it from the inside.
" And he replied, "Ze-be-de-digger-digger-digger.
" LAUGHTER Because he was being an alien.
That extended the problem .
and he was in there for 20 minutes.
So, he came out in the end, he eventually opened it, he came out and? Well, the lesson was ruined.
LAUGHTER What are you thinking, David? I do know that Romesh used to be a maths teacher Oh, OK.
and education's loss was show business's gain.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE There were so many gaps in the story, I just Yeah, the story wasn't really adding up right Ah, yeah.
for a maths teacher.
I like that.
I like that.
I think we think it's a lie, do we? I think it might be.
It's a lie for all of you? OK.
Romesh, truth or lie? The story istrue.
CHEERING It's true, Romesh did ACCIDENTALLY lock one of his pupils in a cupboard.
LAUGHTER Tinchy, you're next.
Sometimes I pretend to have broken something in my house so that when a man comes round to fix it, I can play him at ping pong.
LAUGHTER So, hang on, just to be clear, what you're saying is you sometimes pretend that there's something broken in your house, to get an handyman round, so you can what? So we can play ping pong.
But why, why do you get a strange man round to play ping pong? It's not really a strange man, he's a neighbour but he's like a handyman, when I want to play ping pong, I'll tell him something's broke.
Why can't you just tell him you want to play ping pong? Cos I don't know, I just Are you telling me the relationship with your neighbour is so bad that the only way you can get him to come round to your house is by pretending something's broken at your place? No, it's not that bad, he likes ping pong.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE What's he called? What's he called? I don't know, I've never met him.
LAUGHTER What's he called? Handyman.
You could call him Handyman.
But what's his real name when he's not Handyman.
What's his real name? Paul.
Paul, the handyman.
Handyman Paul, really.
Not Paul, the handyman.
How long have you known Paul for? I've been living there for maybe the past three or four years so, yeah, that long.
How many times has he played ping pong with you? Oh, loads of times, always something wrong in my house.
LAUGHTER So, so you might say What might be broken, for example? For example I might say, "OK, the light's off in, like, the conservatory," or something and then "Conservatory?" You're very grime, aren't you? LAUGHTER So you've put all your hip-hop money into a conservatory and LAUGHTER .
so how would you go from "The light's broken in the conservatory" to "Do you want a game of table tennis?" Because when he comes round and then say, for example, sometimes it's not broken, I say "Ah, I've fixed it," as he gets there, and I'm like, "Are you sure? "Pop in for a quick ping pong game then.
" LAUGHTER David, do you play table tennis? I do, yeah.
Really? Yes, I Are you good? I'm all right.
Ah, but can you, can you fix a light switch? Otherwise you've got no chance of playing him.
Absolutely not.
So, how do you serve, David? Do you serve like that, like that or? David always gets someone to serve him.
LAUGHTER Tinchy, I'd really like to, sort of, get an idea of how you move the conversation to ping pong.
So, let's say you've broken your TV.
How would it go? I'll be Paul, the handyman.
Hang on, we haven't opened the door yet.
LAUGHTER "Is it sticking? I can fix that.
"Actually, I can't because we're going to "play table tennis again, aren't we? I know how this goes.
" When someone knocks your door like, "Knock, knock," I say, "Who is it?" I don't open and say, "Who is it?" OK.
Who is it? LAUGHTER It's Paul, the handyman.
You phoned me about three minutes ago about your television, who do you think? "Oh, hello, Paul.
" Open the door, you're in.
"What's up?" "What's up?" You tell me, it's your telly.
That's, that's, that's what Oh, I see.
"What is happening, dude?" Your relationship with him is very sarcastic.
LAUGHTER You try being his ping pong mate, you'll start being sarcastic.
How do you introduce ping pong? I say "Oh, yeah, do you want a drink?" and then he'll be like "I'm all right.
" And I'm like, "Do you want a game?" And you give him the special drink and he wakes up in the table tennis room.
LAUGHTER Answer me this, what is he wearing? What's he wearing? When he wakes up.
When he wakes up? Have you dressed him as a professional table tennis player? Oh, no he's Strapped to a mannequin I'm swinging this! So, Lee, is this looking plausible? Gaby.
I think it's true because he doesn't want to be too upfront with Paul, the handyman, so he invites him round to fix.
Sorry, sorry, Handyman Paul.
Sorry, Handyman Paul.
With Handyman Paul for ping pong.
Ping Pong Paul! Even that name is better, Ping Pong Paul.
Ping Pong Paul.
So, what are we thinking? I think it's a lie.
So, Romesh says it's a lie.
I think it's true.
Gaby says it's true.
Difficult decision.
It's got to be a lie.
It's a lie? OK.
Tinchy, truth or lie? Everything I was saying was alltrue.
Good work, well done.
Yes, it's true.
Tinchy does like to play ping pong with a man that comes round to fix things in his house.
Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's special guest, Georgia.
APPLAUSE So, let's start with Gaby.
What is Georgia to you? This is Georgia, and when she fell down a manhole, I was unable to help her because I couldn't stop laughing.
Right, so, Romesh, how do you know Georgia? This is Georgia.
I have an irrational fear of sock puppets and, last year, I had to leave a children's party when she put one on.
Right, and finally, Lee, what's your relationship with Georgia? This is Georgia, after spending a weekend at her hotel I drove home only to find her cat asleep in the boot of my car.
So there we have it, Gaby's mate in a manhole, Romesh's sock scarer or Lee's lost cat lady.
David's team, where do you want to start? So, Gaby, what were the circumstances of Georgia's accident? We had been shopping.
So, you're friends? Yes.
LAUGHTER How do you know each other? She used to be my next door neighbour.
So, how old were you when the, when this happened, the manhole incident? About 13.
And describe the mishap, if you can keep a straight face.
LAUGHTER We'd been shopping and the bus was coming and I said, "Run for the bus," and then I heard a scream and, suddenly, I realised that she'd fallen down a manhole.
You see that, to me, that would have really hurt.
JACK: I think if you're running, you don't fall vertically down a small opening Well, she's only little.
She's still able to run with a big enough stride to not fall directly down a manhole.
Well, what if you had like a Tinchy Stryder doing it? Oh! APPLAUSE So, she got out and what was the, what was the extent of her injuries? How bad is this story? "She only started walking six months ago?" She had a very, she had a very badchin.
Chin? She'd broken her fall with her chin? LAUGHTER She wasn't even touching the floor, just resting on her chin.
LAUGHTER You're going, "What's up? I can't speak cos I'm in a hole! "Help!" The key question there is what Jack alluded to, is that, if you're running along, you've got forward momentum Yes.
and only one foot will be where the manhole is, you've got both feet.
That tallies with what she's saying cos one foot would go in you go forward and Chin.
No, it's not very no they're not very wide, manholes.
No, it was Cos manholes are about, you know they're only, you know, to go down it like that, you'd have to be aiming for it, wouldn't you? You'd have to be doing run, run, run, jump, legs together.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Right, Romesh, you have a fear of sock puppets.
I do, yeah.
OK, I believe you.
LAUGHTER Why? It's this.
I find that terr Like a snake! At any point, they can just turn towards you.
Yeah, and it's the unpredictability of it, you know like It's not fun.
You know, they've got the sock puppet there then you're sitting down there going "Oh, ho-ho-ho!" That's not funny, that's terrifying.
It's horrible.
And what was the occasion with Georgia? Well, I don't actually know Georgia that well.
What happened was it that I was going to a kids' birthday party with my children OK.
and the problem that we have is that our oldest child is very, sort of, chilled out and he just has a nice time.
The second one is Well, he's not.
And so, we arrived at the party and his behaviour was unacceptable, he was shoving kids and it was getting pretty embarrassing and we were trying to control it and so, basically, she saw that there was an emergency situation, I, sort of, wandered over and she was reaching into her pocket to pull out what I thought What I hoped was a gun, but LAUGHTER .
but it turned out to be the sock puppet and she put the sock puppet on and then, "Here he comes again, hello, ho-ho-ho!" See he says a lot of, it's unpredictable, it's not Yeah, but you don't know what the We know.
You don't know what the puppeteer might do, what they might think is funny.
Well, they're either going to do that or that.
No, but they can do that - "Attack, attack, attack.
" Yeah, but the sock is not what enables them to do that.
In many ways, any human might suddenly do that to you.
No, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not That's the risk we live with whenever we interact.
I'm not Is that what you're thinking when you're chatting? Yeah, I I always wondered about that strange look you give me when we're having a drink afterwards and you go like that, constant.
I always think you give it a couple of yards so, if you suddenly do that, you can get away.
So, how did you react, Romesh? I just, sort of, grabbed my son and I went, "I'll get him, I'll sort him out.
Don't worry, thank you, ha-ha-ha!" and just tried to not look, and then I ran out the party into the back garden.
She's not going to come after you with the sock(?) No, if she'd have come out to the garden with like this, I would have just knocked her out.
LAUGHTER So, Lee, "cat in car post-hotel" I've written down.
That's her name, yeah.
LAUGHTER What kind of cat was it, Lee? Oh, it's a black one.
Oh, yeah.
What kind of hotel? Red.
LAUGHTER What kind of car? Blue! Were you there for the weekend? I'd taken my wife away for a weekend in a boutique hotel in the New Forest - the old forest wasn't doing it for me.
Had you got home when you discovered the cat? Yes, I'd got home and I opened up the boot to let the wife out.
LAUGHTER I'd opened up the boot to get the To get the luggage out And there was a flattened cat.
What had happened is, I opened up the boot of the car, I'd gone into the hotel because I put my bag in but my wife was chatting away to someone, I was trying to get her away, I said, "Come on, we should probably drift off now," that's when the cat had jumped in.
And you drove back home Drove back home.
no incident, no sound of purring or yowling that you couldn't attribute to your wife.
No, I just Bit rude, David, And I LAUGHTER Shame, that, you let yourself down.
Still doing all that old school comedy, I see.
And yeah, we hadn't heard anything, we had the radio playing quite loudly and we all know that the sound of Spandau Ballet is a lot louder than "meow.
" LAUGHTER And you remembered, when you saw the cat in the car, "That's the cat from the hotel.
" Well, yeah, I mean the, a jet black cat in a hotel You don't see a lot of cats in hotels anyway, do you? No, you don't any more cos you've taken them home in your car clearly.
Did you drive him straight back? I immediately rang the hotel and said, "The bacon was a bit burnt, but whatever.
"I've got your cat.
" And she said, "Blooming heck, all right.
"Next time I won't cook it so much.
" I went "No, it's not a threat, "I'm just letting you know I've got your cat.
"That was just an aside.
"I'm not going to start sending you an ear and then a paw "I mean, you know, you're getting the cat back "Well, eventually.
" But no, I said "You know, why don't we meet halfway? "We'll meet at a service station and I will give you the cat.
" So, David's team, we need an answer.
Is Georgia Gaby's mate in a manhole? Romesh's sock scarer? Or Lee's lost cat lady? Any initial instincts? It feels like none of them know Georgia.
LAUGHTER I'm not buying it about the sock puppet, although it is definitely possible.
The problem that we have here is that not all of you are telling the truth.
LEE: That is true.
I think Gaby knows Georgia, that's my instinct.
I think we're going manhole? Yeah.
Manhole? Manhole? Let's call her Gaby.
Gaby, please.
LAUGHTER Farther than I ever intended it to be.
I'm so sorry.
That was just.
If I thought that through, I would never have said that.
So, we're saying that it's Gaby.
It's Gaby that's telling the truth.
It's the manhole.
Georgia, would you please reveal your true identity? My name is Georgia, I'm a friend of Gaby, and I fell down the manhole.
APPLAUSE Yes, Georgia is Gaby's fallen friend.
Thank you very much, Georgia, thank you.
APPLAUSE Which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies, and we start with BUZZER It's Jack.
I had to reprimand my builder after I came home early one day and caught him eating doughnuts in the bath.
LAUGHTER Lee's team.
How did you reprimand him? I said "What do you think you're playing at? What's going on?" Were they the ones with jam in the middle or the rings? What - the doughnuts or the bath? The doughnuts.
Well, they're a popular brand.
They were Krispy Kreme.
Other brands are available but that's what he was eating.
What did he say when you said? "What the hell are you playing at?" He said, "Oh, sorry, I didn't know you were coming home.
" LAUGHTER In mitigation, the bath wasn't filled with water, it actually wasn't even plumbed in yet, but he was lying in it and just taking a bit of a break having some doughnuts - having my doughnuts.
Did you offer him biscuits and doughnuts beforehand? Before you left that day? Certainly not, no.
No, because I wanted him to plumb the bath in.
LAUGHTER Lay on a load of confectionery and he's not going to get on with the work, but anyway, he helped himself anyway.
What upset me is he'd gone into the kitchen and helped himself to the They're yours, he hadn't even brought them in.
No, they were mine.
How many doughnuts were there? We'd bought 36 because we were Whoa, whoa.
What are you doing with 36 doughnuts? Well, because we were expecting friends round because it's a new house.
And you are, you're having this house-warming, curiously before the bathroom had been finished.
GABY: Yes, I'm concerned about your plumbing.
Yeah, well, you know, the builder had Not the first time a woman said that to Jack.
The builder had The loo was done - in fact, one of them wasn't done but, yes.
I'm obsessed with the boldness of taking a whole box to the bathroom, more so than getting in the bath.
I don't care where he's sat.
I agree.
How far would he have? You don't care?! You don't care if a builder was in your house and sat in your empty bath? Only after it's been plumbed in does that bother me.
Oh, so an empty bath that's not plumbed in, you don't mind anybody sitting in your empty bath? He can wee in it for all I care, it's empty, it's not plumbed in.
Can I just say, if you're thinking of breaking into my house, that was a joke, do not urinate in my bath.
I must say I agree with Lee, I think an unplumbed bath is still the builder's province.
Once it's plumbed in, they've signed off on it, then it's yours, it's your place of washing - before then, who knows? GABY: So, anybody can go and sit in an unplumbed bath? No, not anyone, no.
A qualified builder-slash-doughnut eater.
LAUGHTER I want to know if the party still happened though.
Everyone arrived, didn't they, they didn't know this had happened.
Was this a showbiz event? Cos I don't remember getting the invite.
are you in showbiz, are you, Lee? All right, all right.
Come on, there's no need for that, Jack.
Lee, what are you thinking? I don't know.
Romesh, what do you think? I find your idea of serving doughnuts at a party unacceptable.
That is unacceptable.
And if I turn up to a party expecting doughnuts and they said, "There are no doughnuts," you know what I'd say? "Well, at least, can I just have a hot bath?" And you can't even offer that.
LAUGHTER I think it's a lie.
Gaby? Must be lying.
Both say it's a lie, I'll go with my team and say it's a lie.
Oh, you're saying it's a lie.
Jack, truth or lie? It isa lie.
APPLAUSE Yes, it's a lie, Jack didn't catch his builder eating doughnuts in the bath.
BUZZER It's Gaby.
If I'm ever worried about something silly, I write it on a sheet of loo roll, eat it and the worry goes away.
LAUGHTER David's team.
Right, but only if you're worried about something silly? Well, it's those little things, you know those things that just bug you and you can't get out of your mind.
LAUGHTER What sort of silly worry then? You know when you wake up at three o'clock in the morning and it's those, it's those little things, "Did I close the cat flap?" Or, "Did I put the rubbish out?" Or That's up to the cat.
"Did I? "Did I turn the lights off?" All of those, the little, silly things so then I'd go to the bathroom, and I write it down.
It's not quicker just to check whether you've turned the lights off? No because the bathroom's closer than going all the way downstairs.
Is it an en-suite, Gaby? Is it an en-suite? No, it's not.
Tinchy's off again, "Is it en suite? Mine is.
" LAUGHTER "I had it put in at the same time as the conservatory.
" "And the ping pong room.
" "There's a lot of money in grime, I'll have you know.
" So, you? So, it's like a silly domestic Oh, it's just silly things.
have I locked the back door?" that sort of thing.
When the kids go swimming with school, I sometimes worry that their swim kit isn't ready.
What happens if you wake up in the night and worry about all the loo roll you've been eating? LAUGHTER So, what do you do when you got bigger worries? THEN I don't write it on the loo roll.
Oh, what do you write it on? What do you eat? Kitchen roll.
No, that Kitchen roll.
APPLAUSE So, OK, let's say you're worried about swim Swim.
" You write swim on a bit of loo roll, and is that a whole piece? Yeah, but, just one section, not the whole roll.
Yes, well it's a lot It's not a lot of loo roll, but it's a lot to eat.
No, they're only little.
But they're not food.
LAUGHTER But it's paper.
I mean, this is only little but I don't fancy my chances of getting it down me.
It's not like a sandwich.
No, but I don't want a sandwich in the middle of the night.
But, just as delicious LAUGHTER Just a piece of loo roll with a slight flavour of ink.
What was the first worry that led you to go round loo roll and eat the loo roll? Yeah.
Do you know, it was probably when I was young, I think I was worried about doing my exams and things like that so I put the subject that I was worried about and I just chewed it up and the worry went away.
Did you do well in the exam? No.
LAUGHTER We know that was the worry but what all the rational people here are still wondering is, "OK, I'm worried, "but why am I writing on toilet paper and then eating it?" Because, because I wanted to go and sit in the light and the loo, the bathroom light is on Good, fine, yes.
and I needed a wee.
But what's the logic? Because I thought People say that if you write things down, it takes the worry away.
Yes, not They don't say, "If you write it down and eat it.
" Yes.
Do you think? I didn't know what else to do, it does, I didn't know how else to get rid of the loo paper.
But you're on the toilet! LAUGHTER So, what do you think? I'm on the lie side.
All right, I'm thinking it's a lie.
I think we think it's a lie.
OK, conclusively a lie.
Gaby, truth or lie? It's actually a lie.
APPLAUSE END BUZZER And that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show and I can reveal that David's team have won by three points to two.
APPLAUSE But, it's not just a team game and my individual liar of the week, this week, is Tinchy Stryder.
APPLAUSE And Tinchy's invited us, now, to hang with his crew and get on the decks, so, thank you, Tinchy, I love a regatta.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE MUSIC: You've Got The Love by Florence + The Machine