Would I Lie To You? (2007) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Unseen Bits

Good evening and welcome to a very special edition of previously unseen clips from this series of Would I Lie To You? Joining Lee Mack tonight, Claudia Winkleman, Bruno Tonioli, Bob Mortimer, Mel Giedroyc, Ray Mears, Gareth Malone, Adam Buxton, Hal Cruttenden, Emilia Fox and Steve Jones.
And joining David Mitchell tonight, Jo Brand, Rhod Gilbert, Fiona Bruce, Kian Egan, Miles Jupp, Amanda Abington, Phill Jupitus, Kirsty Wark, Adil Ray, Micky Flanagan and Carol Vorderman.
And so we begin with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before.
They've got no idea what they'll be faced with and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
Miles, you're first up tonight.
Whenever I'm in a situation where I don't know what to do, I ask myself the question, "What would Cliff Richard do?" LAUGHTER Erm - Lee's team.
- Right, give me an example.
Say you don't know if you're going to go on a skiing holiday or a summer holiday, what would you do in that situation? LAUGHTER Well, I say to myself, "What, what would Cliff do?" Why Cliff Richard as well? I just think because he's someone that lives his life in a way that I believe we should all aspire to.
LAUGHTER - Am I right? - Yes.
So, tell me this.
What was the last dilemma you last dilemma you had where the Cliff Richard thing helped? Well, you know, you go to You go to Pret and, as ever, the queuing's a complete disgrace.
And you think, "What would Cliff Richard do?" Well, walk out.
LAUGHTER When did you first let Cliff into your life? Erm In a way, I feel more like I've been let into his.
LAUGHTER So, have you got a lot of Cliff's albums? Yes.
Well LAUGHTER I think you know where this I think you know where this is going, Miles.
Of all the albums, all of them, I just want one album.
That's all I want.
Greatest Hits Volume 2.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE What do you think, Lee? Is it the truth? What do we say to that, Emilia? Do you think there's any truth in that? I don't think we can possibly Not even entertain the notion.
No.
- As entertaining as the notion may be - Yeah.
- .
.
no.
- You say it's a lie? - It's a lie.
- OK.
Miles, truth or lie? This is actually a lie.
APPLAUSE - BUZZ - It's Claudia.
Possession.
OK.
Now, there's a box on the floor, Claud, next to you.
First of all, bring the box up onto the desk - and then read the card before you open the box.
- OK.
There we go.
So, first of all, read the card.
OK, this is Yoshi? Yoshi? I recently took him to the vet because I thought he was depressed.
All right.
Now open the box, please.
I'm not opening it.
LAUGHTER What is it? Well, let's find out.
OK.
Oh, yes.
AUDIENCE: Aw.
Can you take him out of the box and just pop him on the stunningly realistic grassy surface we've put in for you? - There he is.
- Oh.
- I love rabbits.
- Hang on, we can't see him over here.
Do you want me to touch it? Are you worried about touching it? No, it's It's that.
It's mine.
- Is it like a sort of a tortoise? - It's a tortoise.
- A little tortoise.
- A little tortoise.
- Surely, you would kiss him, Claudia? - There you are! - You would give him a little kiss? - I don't kiss anyone! - You would kiss him though if he's your little Yoshi.
- Yeah, oh Give him a kiss? Like that.
I I don't want to bother him.
- A proper one with your lips.
- No.
- Kiss him! Kiss his little face, mwah, mwah, mwah! That's what mad people do with animals.
- No, we don't - LAUGHTER So, how did you pick him up and take him to the vet? Cos you're obviously very attached to him.
Oh, well, no Yes, well, I'll tell you.
- LAUGHTER - This is what happened.
This is ours.
And this is all of our Well, it's not mine, it's my family's, and I took him to the vet because I was worried, because he was not really bouncy.
Wasn't tearing Wasn't tearing around like you'd expect? LAUGHTER - You're an intelligent woman, Claudia.
- Not really.
You know that tortoises No tortoises bound around the place, - licking people's faces like a spaniel.
- Yes, I did So, what was the change in the tortoise's behaviour that you thought meant it was depressed? Yes, this is a very good point.
It was just a little bit .
.
stationary.
When we first got him, he was sort of scampery.
Well, not scampery.
LAUGHTER Do you want to have a minute to think about this story? Scampery the tortoise! No, he wasn't scampering but he was SHE GRUMBLES Not like that.
Anyway So, essentially you bought a tortoise that was having a fit, and it recovered and you mistook that very recovery for depression? LAUGHTER And what did the vet say? The vet said, "He's fine.
" Money well spent.
What a relief.
Did you get charged for that? Yes, and, I'll say this out loud.
It's the only way to say it.
LAUGHTER Otherwise Otherwise, you're thinking of the word "think".
- And she said - LAUGHTER And she suggested that maybe we organise like tortoise play dates.
Right, now you're pushing it.
What do you reckon? She suggested you organise tortoise play dates?! You had them, you had them! So, what are you going to say, David? Is that the truth? - Did that happen? - What do you think, Fiona? Do you know, I think it might not be true, somehow.
- Look, if this is true - If it's true, you are brilliant.
- If this is true, Claudia deserves a point.
- Yeah.
- You're saying lie? - Lie.
- We're saying lie.
They're saying lie.
OK, Claudia, Yoshi the tortoise Yoshi the tortoise and that story was - true.
- Oh! Oh, my God! APPLAUSE And I love him.
BUZZ It's Bob.
For five days, I pushed my cat around in a pram because it had sprained three of its ankles.
LAUGHTER David's team.
OK, the two key questions here, how did it sprain three of its ankles, and why was it necessary for it to be so mobile during its recovery period? OK, I'll address those.
One of my children, my eldest boy, didn't throw a tyre at it, but threw a tyre, a car tyre, and it hit the cat.
He threw the tyre recreationally and the cat got in the way? How did one ankle survive? Luckily, he was scratching his head at the time.
LAUGHTER - OK, so the tyre hits the cat.
- Yes.
75% of the cat's ankles are, did you say, sprained? Well, they were bruised and we were told that he mustn't walk.
So, you felt he mustn't walk but he needed still to travel.
Of course he did, yes.
It was my younger boy's buggy we put him in.
- Right.
- Cos you could strap him in.
- You could strap the cat into the buggy? - Yes.
How did you strap the cat into the buggy? Using the straps and .
.
the only journey he had to make was to the litter tray.
So, we just used to take him from the front room - round to the litter tray, tip him in.
- Strap him in, strap him in.
- Tip him in.
- Why didn't you just carry him? Ah LAUGHTER No, because he had these bandages round his legs but he would insist on trying to walk, which we knew would make his ankles worse.
You couldn't stop him walking but you he would consent to be strapped into a buggy? It's not really When it comes to pets, it's not really a matter of consent, David.
Never use the phrase, "When it comes to pets, it's not a matter of consent.
" You can get into all sorts of problems with that.
LAUGHTER Tell us more about this cat, what was its name? Its name was Good Monson.
It was a What? Never ask Bob the name of anything in a story! Have we learned nothing? His name's Good Monson.
Good Monson? Good Monson.
Monson as in the word Monsoon - No, Monson.
- .
.
with an o missing? - Yes.
- Right.
Good Monson.
His name's Good Monson.
He's a Tabby Oriental.
Why Good Monson? Why? My youngest son named him Good Monson.
All right, David, what are you thinking? What do you think, Kian? Oh, he's lying.
LAUGHTER - You think he's lying? - Yep, lying.
You think he's a Well, this is a superb moment.
I have unanimity from the team.
- So, let's say - You're saying it's a lie? - We'll say it's a lie.
- Bob, Good Monson, truth or lie? I am telling a lie.
Oh, superb! - We got a point.
- One point.
- We got a point! - BUZZ - It's Jo.
Last year, I made my husband a birthday meal using some mince I found in the street.
LAUGHTER OK, what? Why Where Why? Why would you do that? I found a carrier bag on the pavement that, amongst other things, had mince in it.
I don't know whether someone had left it there, whether they'd dropped it, what the issue It wasn't, like, being clutched by an old woman who was lying on the? You're not being convenient with the truth here, are you? All right, I slapped her out the way.
LAUGHTER What else was in the bag? Well, there was mince and it was wrapped up in kind of a plastic, like, one of those cardboard dishes with plastic over it, so it wasn't loose.
Oh, yeah, sounds perfectly hygienic(!) Yeah, well, it was hygienic.
How do you know, like, a dog hadn't wee'd on it? I know it was in the cellophane, but Because I sniffed it.
- Did you not have any? - You can't buy class, can you? LAUGHTER What did you cook him with the mince? Well, I can only cook two things, a spag bol and macaroni cheese.
Which one did you go for? Erm I've known you for a while, Jo, can I just check, is it your current husband or the first one who died of food poisoning? Er, my one and only husband.
Oh, it's Chesney Hawkes.
So what do you think, Lee? I don't know.
What do you think, Ray? - Is this adding up? - Let's say true.
- True.
I think false.
You think it's a lie? You're saying lie, you're saying true.
True.
- I'm going to say lie.
- You're saying lie.
- Yeah.
OK, Jo, truth or lie? It is, of course a lie.
Thank God! It's Lee.
I can tell if someone is left or right-handed just by looking at their ears.
LAUGHTER David's team.
CAROL LAUGHING Just by looking at their ears? Sorry, what people don't realise is that the most common twitch is this.
You don't realise you're doing it, but over the course of a lifetime that will just slightly Are you saying then, that if I'm right-handed, I will tug on my ear as a little sort of nervous tic so much that What will happen? My ear will move down the head or is it just To a layman .
.
the lobe will elongate? Rhod, to a layman, no, you wouldn't spot it.
But for a professional, you know.
- I'm studying your ears.
- Well, please do.
- And on your theory - Yeah? - .
.
you're left-handed, because your left ear is definitely longer.
- Cos I was doing that.
- Isn't his left ear longer than his right? So what are you, left or right-handed? Left.
DAVID: It's funny you should say that, because I think your right lobe is larger than your left.
I'm ambidextrous.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE What am I then? You're Carol Vorderman.
Am I left or am I right? Well, you're an interesting one.
- You're right-handed.
- I am, yeah.
Because you're showing your ear so much because you're so used to tugging it, you've got it ready now to tug.
- What about David, Lee? - Which am I? Well, I can't do it while I'm finding this quite a stressful moment.
I can't do it whilst you're holding your ears.
I have to have a look.
You keep your head still.
I've got tiny ears.
You have.
But I only grew arms when I was nine, maybe that's why.
Yeah, yeah, classic, classic right hand.
- Yes, I'm right-handed.
- Gosh, he's good, isn't he? Looking at my ears? You're a textbook right hander.
Textbook.
Really? Yeah, textbook.
I'm not, though.
You are.
I'm not, I'm left-handed.
Yeah, no, but I'm talking about when you're using a textbook.
Still left-handed.
My ears are so flat to my head, you can't tell, can you? You haven't got any ears.
I genuinely can't see your ears.
Look into the camera.
You've got no ears.
That's bizarre.
So what do you think, David? Well, personally, I think it's true but I'll just check with my team.
- Lie.
- You think it's a lie? Lie.
You think it's a lie.
Well, as I say, I think it's true.
- You think it's true? - No, of course I don't! I don't think it's true and neither do my team, so we'll say lie.
You're saying it's a lie, OK.
Lee, truth or lie? Of course it's a lie.
Adil, you're next.
I once had to go all the way to Bradford just to make a phone call to prove I was in Bradford.
Lee's team.
OK.
What? Why would you have to do that? Why? First of all, where were you living at the time? I was living in Birmingham.
For what reason did you have to go to Bradford? - To make a phone call.
- OK.
Who were you phoning? Er, mymy dad actually I was calling.
And your dad lived in? Birmingham.
- Were you living at the family home at the time? - I was, yeah.
- You leave your family home, to go to Bradford.
- Yes.
Phone your father in Birmingham.
Yes.
- To prove you're in Bradford.
- That's it, absolutely.
What was your reason for being in Bradford? To make the phone call, he said.
Rob, Rob, Rob, can I just say, we already know why he was there.
He was there, we all know, there's no doubt about why he was there.
He was there To make a phone call.
.
.
to prove he was in Bradford, to phone his dad.
We know that.
There's just one tiny - it's only tiny, a tiny thing if you could just, you just get that for me.
And that tiny thing is, what are you talking about? LAUGHTER Just that, once I've got that, the rest of it is all in place.
It's just that little thing that I want to know.
All right, I'm working that out.
OK.
I've got it.
Why did you need to prove to your father that you were in Bradford? Sorry, don't Rob, I said that exact sentence.
Don't make it out that I was going, "Oh, ee, no, melons!" I'm just one of life's natural communicators.
I'm able to convey Unless Adil's going to say to me, "If only you could say it in a soft Welsh accent, I'd understand.
"None of that made sense, you interpret him.
" - Could you put it in a Welsh accent then we could try? - Here we go.
LOUD COUGHS AND GARGLING That's it.
LAUGHTER - So the question, Adil - Yes, yeah.
- Why? - Why were you in Bradford? Oh, no, no! - I told you.
- I know what he's going to say.
- You're trying to trick me here.
Where were you specifically, don't say Bradford, whereabouts in Bradford were you? When I called him, I was at the coach station.
Why did he need to know you were at Bradford coach station? - Because that's where I told him I was going.
- Why? - Where were you going? - I told him I was going - to a university open day.
- At Bradford.
- At Bradford, yeah.
Right, now, am I right in saying that you weren't really going to a university open day? You were lying to your father, you were going to Bradford to pretend? Were you going to Bradford at all? - I wasn't intending to go to Bradford.
- Ah.
- Ah.
Where were you intending to go? Birmingham.
- But you were already in Birmingham.
- MEL: You were in Birmingham.
- I know.
But you had to go to Bradford, - because he would see the number come up on the phone? - Er, yeah, that's right! Thank you.
Thanks very much.
What was happening in Birmingham to stop you wanting to go to Bradford? - I wanted to go to a gig in Birmingham.
- Music gig.
- Yes, that's right.
- Who? - It was an Asian club night.
My dad thought I was at an open university day in Bradford.
But I was in Birmingham to go out to this club night and just happened to bump into my dad and he says, "I thought you were supposed to be in Bradford.
" And I said, "I'm on my way.
" - So he goes, get to Bradford.
- And when you get there, phone me.
Yeah, make sure you call me.
And you know as you're going the only reason is because you know the number is going to be recognised.
As opposed to phoning from Birmingham - and pretending you're in Bradford.
- Yep.
Because I was I was worried that he might try and call me back, - so you know, you get to a phone box - Oh, I see! - And he goes, "Let me call you back, son.
" - What did you do? I couldn't get back.
I'd got a late coach.
Why didn't you just go to the open whatever it was? I didn't want to go, I wanted to go to the club night.
But you can't go to the club night.
There was no university thing.
I'd made that bit up.
- Oh, there wasn't even? - You made that up? - Oh, you'd made it up.
- Yeah.
So you're in Bradford, it's the evening.
- What are you going to do? - Well, basically, so I realised that You know, what do you do if you're on your own in Bradford? You go and find a fellow Asian, you know.
So I went into this pizza place near the station and I just sort of put on the role of a vulnerable Pakistani student.
And just said, you know, - PAKISTANI ACCENT: - "I need help and I want pizza.
" And he gave you a pizza for nothing? Not only did he give me a pizza, stroke of luck, he let me stay in a room that night.
Why didn't you just go back to Birmingham? - Because I couldn't get a coach.
- It was late then.
- It was late.
If it was too late it'd be after ten o'clock or something, - so you went to the open day at There's no open day.
- There wasn't.
There is no open day.
He has told his father Can I just say, I'm now all over this.
Yeah, yeah.
But he'd told his dad there's an open day.
The open day doesn't exist.
In Bradford.
It's only there as a lie so he can pretend he's going to it and spending the night.
He wants to go to the Asian club night.
Now, his dad catches him in the street and goes, "Get yourself off to Bradford, you'll be late.
" He goes, "Oh, yeah, I'd forgotten.
" He gets on the bus, he goes to Bradford.
He's now going to ring the dad because he knows that he'll phone him back.
And then he's now in Bradford.
He can't get the bus back.
It's far too late.
There's no open weekend, but luckily he's starving and, as we all know, if there's one thing that the Asian community like it's a pizza.
And then he goes.
APPLAUSE - The famous Pakistani pizza! - Exactly.
Can I just ask you, did you like the look of the university? I mean, did it appeal to you? There's NO university! So, all right, so, Lee, what? - What What do You seem to know it better than him.
- Yeah.
I think it's true, because he threw up a lot of smoke screen, tissue, tissue, smoke screen.
So he's covering, he's covering up.
I know what you mean.
I think - He told us nothing.
- He told us nothing which I think why it's true.
- What do you think, Bob? - I think it's true.
- Yeah.
You think it's true? Then I go with my team and say it's true.
They're all going for true, OK.
Adil, was that true or was that a lie? Sorry, Dad, it was a true.
Kirsty, you're next.
I was once forced to continually ballroom dance while presenting five minutes of live TV.
- Ooh.
- Lee.
- What was the programme? The programme was Edinburgh Nights.
It was a little while ago.
How long ago? - It was - Is it written on the ceiling? - It was 20 - Does that say true or a lie? Yeah.
I'm looking for it as well.
It was 20 years ago.
20 years ago.
Do you remember, which dance did you perform? I performed the tango.
And who was your partner? He was the world champion tangoist.
BOTH: Tangoist? Was he like a giant orange guy who came and slapped you on the side of your head? I've been Tangoed! Was it Craig Revel Horwood? As far as I remember, it was somebody that was handsome.
Oh, it wasn't him, then.
Oh, well He was a professional ballroom dancer.
Was it like, was it Argentinean tango or classic tango? Or diet tango? Or diet.
Good point.
What's the difference? - Well, one is very improvised, the other is very stiff and - Ah.
Which is the stiff one? They call it the ballroom tango.
You have to go and flick your head.
I like that one, yeah.
- It was that one.
- Oh, it was that one.
- It was that one, that one where - DAVID: With the head.
Am I alone in feeling an electric sexual chemistry? Connection.
Why did you have to do five minutes tango live on TV? Because there was there was a film out.
What was the film? The film was - Godzilla.
- Strictly Ballroom.
- I remember it very well.
- Oh, Strictly Ballroom.
- I was talking about the film.
- Ah, OK.
- At the same time as you were dancing? - Yes.
Did you do the thing at the end? "This is Kirsty Wark, dancingnews.
" Whatever you say.
It wasn't the news though.
That would be inappropriate at the end of a programme.
Like at the end of this, Rob doesn't go, "And that was the news.
" I watched that Edinburgh Night, I watched it.
You watched that one? Not that one but I watched it over the years and usually they're really intense.
They're always sitting down.
It's too light entertainment for that kind of show.
- Oh, I see.
OK, so, Lee.
He thinks it's a lie.
- OK.
I think it's true.
- Oh, a split decision.
I hate that.
- Thinks it's true.
- Why? I don't think Kirsty would lie about something like that.
OK, so your team is split down the middle, Lee? Which way are you going to go? I'm leaning towards Bruno.
Don't.
LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH OK, I'm going to go with Bruno and say it's a lie.
You say it's a lie.
OK.
Kirsty, tangoing while presenting to camera, truth or lie? True.
It's Gareth.
I have a crippling fear of the underside of ships.
- Of? - He's ship scared.
- Of ships.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE How often are you confronted with the underside of ships? Happily On your way home from your job in a submarine? Happily not very often.
But should I be, it would be a crippling fear.
Where do you encounter? If, for example, I was at a dry dock.
I would advise you not to go to a dry dock, because it is one of the very few places where you might be confronted with the underside of a ship.
How often do you go to the dry docks? I must have gone, it A school trip? Once.
Your school trip to the dry dock?! How did this curious thing begin? Erm, I saw the underside of a ship.
On a film actually, it was on a film.
- On a film? - What film? Er The Poseidon Adventure.
And it was something about the propeller, you know, bigger than these large circles here.
No, I mean, I think everyone has a fear of being caught in a propeller.
That's not what I'd call an irrational fear.
Do you have to be sort of careful in the kind of films and programmes you watch in case, suddenly, the underside of a ship is going to pop up in the plot? Yeah, it's a good question and when Titanic, presumably you didn't go to see.
I did.
You did What? You're a I know.
You're a moron then.
David, I am not going to contest that point.
So, David, it's a remarkable claim.
What do you think? Lie, do you think? I think it's a lie.
Yeah.
I think it's a lie.
- I think we think it's a lie.
- You think it's a lie.
All three of you are in agreement.
OK, Gareth Malone, truth or lie? It's true.
Oh! Beautifully done.
Next.
It's Oh, it's me.
Right, whenever I take a shower I listen to the Benny Hill theme tune.
It's the only way I can be in and out of the cubicle in under four minutes.
- And either team can ask.
- What's the rush? Why have you got to get in and get out? You got to get everything done in four minutes? That Toilet Duck's not going to voice itself.
The reason for it, I will naturally spend a long time in the shower.
- I'm very happy in the shower.
- How long we talking? Oh, I could be 10 to 15 minutes.
So can you talk us through your shower routine? - Do you really want to hear this? - You could stand and demonstrate it.
He is stood.
So rude, the guests.
I'm so sorry, Rob.
Have some respect for the little Welshman.
So sorry, Rob.
Sorry about Fiona.
Show us your shower routine.
Oh, hang on, before you do it.
SINGING THE THEME Have you got the music upstairs? "YAKETY SAX" PLAYS He's in.
Water's on.
Nice.
DAVID: Oh, I thought he was going to strip.
Everywhere, Rob, everywhere.
Under arms, son.
- Bravo, bravo.
- Amazing.
APPLAUSE - What are you thinking? - I'm not sure.
Do it again.
So, David, we need an answer.
Truth or lie? Well, I think we're going to say true.
- You're going to say true.
- Yeah.
Lee's team.
They said true.
Well, then I will go lie.
You're going to say lie, you're saying true.
It is, in fact a lie.
No.
Well, that's all we've got time for on this special edition of Would I Lie To You.
Thanks very much for watching.
Good night.