Would I Lie To You? (2007) Episode Scripts

N/A - Bob Mortimer, Nadiya Hussain, Diane Morgan, Michael Smiley

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Good evening, and welcome to Would I Lie To You? The show with unvarnished truths and highly polished lies.
On Lee Mack's team tonight, a man who's spent his whole career sitting next to a comedy genius, so tonight will be a welcome change for him - it's Bob Mortimer.
APPLAUSE And a comedian and actress who's been described as having a bit of Morecambe and Wise about her.
Hopefully, they mean Eric's quick wit and not Ernie's short, fat, hairy legs - it's Diane Morgan.
APPLAUSE And on David Mitchell's team tonight, winner of The Great British Bake Off, she's in such demand that last December she was asked to go to Luton and turn on their Christmas light - it's Nadiya Hussain.
APPLAUSE And he's an actor and comedian who had his own show where he cycled around Northern Ireland.
Dressed head-to-toe in Lycra is how I chose to watch it - Michael Smiley.
APPLAUSE And so we begin with Round 1 - Home Truths, where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before, they've no idea what they'll be faced with, and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
Michael is first up.
Michael, please reveal all.
OK.
"I have developed a technique to help me deal with annoying idiots.
" Lee, do you want to kick this one off? LAUGHTER Well, first of all, who do you find is an annoying idiot? I mean, what type of people? Just, you know, the GP.
You know, the General Public wind me up from time to time.
OK.
And I really want to tell them how I feel, and instead of doing that I scat.
You do what? What? I, uhI scat.
Can I ask at this point what is a scat? Do you know what a scat is? Like jazz.
jazz scatting, isn't it? It's like, the old jazz scat, yeah.
It's your basic jazz rap.
So, you must make random noises? Let's Can we have a scenario now, right? Is it a? That's a very negative view of music, Lee.
It's jazz, though.
Fair enough.
So, if I'm the doctor Yeah.
.
.
what would annoy you if I was a doctor? If you kept me waiting for too long and then, say you come into the reception room and I thought I was next Right.
.
.
and I went to get up and then you picked somebody else, for example.
OK, well, imagine that scenario, OK? OK.
So, I walk in, you think I'm going to see you, and I go, "Mr Brydon, we've got the results of your test.
" And I'd go, "Oh for the bampity-bampity, le-bampity, bam "Da-da-da-dah.
" HE MUMBLES ANGRILY "Bom-bom-bom-da-da-dah pow!" It's an STD.
LAUGHTER Do you promise me that you always do it out loud? You don't just do it in your mind? I always vocalise it.
Otherwise, if I don't let it out, it might turn into a haemorrhoid.
I must say, that explains a lot.
Well, imagine now, imagine I've made you angry, OK? Perhaps he's given you an STD.
LAUGHTER At least have the decency to say I've given it to him via his wife.
Watch him now.
Go on, jazz scat him, quick! I haven't got any babidee-bap-da-diddlygo-da-da-dah dah-bam-bam-bam-bam.
Yeah! See-babbidee-boo-bap! See-babidee-boop-boop-boop! Baaaaah.
LAUGHTER Wow.
This is really weird.
When was the last time you had to employ it, Michael? Oh, I'd say God, about two weeks ago.
Yeah? What happened? The classic thing of the, you know, the tourist walking out of the department store and stopping.
And I wasn't paying attention and I walked up and they were there in front of me, and I went "Why did you fuh-foh-feh-foh-fah-ba-bee-dee" And walked round them and carried on walking.
What are you thinking, Diane? Does this have the ring of truth for you? Yeah, it does.
He seems really convincing.
Don't you think? Mmmm, I don't know.
Why are you getting so upset in the first place? Why don't you just be like me and really just laid-back? Just get outside the department store and just stop and enjoy life.
When I've ever left a department store, I'm always sprinting.
LAUGHTER It's very bizarre behaviour.
If you encountered it, you know? You can't spend your life doing that.
So, what are you going to say? So we're going to say You're saying true, you're going to say lie.
Yeah.
I'm going to have to go lie.
It can't be true.
You're saying it's a lie.
OK, Michael Smiley, was it the truth or was it a lie? Oh ye of little faith.
It is thetruth.
Aw! O-o-o-o-oh! APPLAUSE Yes, it's true - Michael does have a technique to deal with annoying idiots and it is scatting.
Diane, you're next.
"I once dumped a boyfriend, because I didn't like the way "he fell down the stairs.
" APPLAUSE David's team.
How often had you been pushing him down the stairs? I just hid his wheelchair.
If you've been affected by any of the issues raised in tonight's show How did he fall down the stairs? What was the? Very ungainly.
What kind of stairs did he fall down? Where was he? It was just outside his flat and there was, like, five steps and then another five steps.
You know those ones that go sort of in different directions? Concrete steps? Yeah, concrete.
So this is nasty, this isn't It was a nasty fall, yeah.
Yeah.
Did you finish with him, because he was so badly injured he was no use to you? This is sort of, like, the last straw, really.
What was the other straws? There were so many straws.
Tell me one.
He used to fall out of cupboards.
He was quite mean, he was quite a mean person.
Can you walk us through the scenario? What happened? Yeah, OK.
So, we're leaving his flat, he locks the door, he loses his footing on the steps, makes a little scream.
And he just fell.
How many stairs did he go down? Because the way you've described it, there were corners.
Did he go round the corners? I think He's a man, not a slinky! No, he did.
He did.
So, how did you react? Did your compassionate side come out? Well, I asked him if he was all right, and then I sort of made a mental note to cut him out of my life.
So, what are you going to say? Nadiya, does it ring true for you? Did you want to leave him before the fall? I'd been thinking about it.
Yeah, cos it was the last straw.
It was the last straw, yeah.
But she only offered up one straw.
If I had a resentment against an ex-lover, I could give you a shortlist off the top of my head.
Even that was a bit scatty.
Yeah.
SCATTING: Waking up and seeing her in bed with the milkman.
Ooh! I think it might be true.
You're saying true? We're going to go with true.
Saying true.
Yeah.
Diane - truth or lie.
It is actually True.
Yes.
Wow.
It's true.
Diane did dump a boyfriend because of the way he fell down the stairs.
Nadiya, you're next.
Right.
"To celebrate her last birthday, "Mary Berry and I went tenpin bowling.
" Lee's team.
Which one did you go to? She'll say, "Hollywood Bowl.
" Hollywood Bowl.
It was the Hollywood Bowl? Hollywood wasn't with us, though.
Why did you not invite him? Do you not get on? No, not really.
No, he's very We'll just edit it at that bit and leave it at that.
Just don't like him, just don't like him.
He's um And also his head is so orange, you could accidentally pick it up and throw it down the thing.
Put your fingers up his nose and in his mouth and end up accidentally bowling him, like that.
"Argh!" He was busy.
Was Mary good at bowling? She's pretty good, she's quite fast, yeah.
And are you quite good? No, I'm rubbish.
The thing is, I don't understand bowling.
All I know is that I need a size eight ball, that's it.
Don't! Do you go out a lot with Mary in your spare time? No, because it would look like she let me win, so we can't really publicly You mean the Bake Off? Yeah, it would just look awful, wouldn't it? "Look at her having a great time with the winner of" Did she let you win? No.
Cos it's hard to tell when you watch it on telly.
You don't how dry the cake is.
Yes, she did, I can't bake.
No, no, it's true, isn't it? You never quite know.
You have to trust Hollywood and Berry.
They could be just going, "Say she's the winner, she'll take us bowling.
" Did you and Mary together get a lot of hassle from other people in the bowling alley? We picked a good time when it was quite quiet, so it kind of What time is that? It's kind of between four and six.
In the morning? No Although I think she wouldn't mind a drink at four.
She'd happily have a drink at four o'clock in the morning.
Right, this is all going on record.
So Mary Berry drinks at four in the morning and she cheated to let you win the cake-making.
When you got to the end of the bowling, did you have a meal or did the group just split, then? No, we hadwhile we were bowling, we had lots of food kind of brought over to us, so we had lots of chips and nachos Lots of finger food? Yeah.
Always makes you think, "What's in the holes?" Oh, no, I never thought of that.
So, what are you thinking, Lee? Is that the truth? For what it's worth, I'm saying no, lie.
It's a lie.
What are you thinking, Diane? Oh, see, I think it's true.
Why do you think it's true? Cos it's quite a dull story.
That is your trailer.
So, you're saying a lie, Diane's saying it's true.
This time I'm going to go with Diane You're saying it's true? .
.
say it's true, yeah.
OK.
Nadiya, truth or lie? It's a lie.
Ugh! Well done.
Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's special guest, Michael.
Right, we'll start with Diane.
What is Michael to you? This is Michael.
I once punched him in the face, because I thought he was a ghost.
Bob, how do you know Michael? This is Michael and after cutting his hair, I got a job on a campsite as a hairdresser.
And finally, Lee, what's your relationship with Michael? This is Michael.
Together we helped free a donkey that had trapped itself in a cubicle of a seaside toilet.
So, there we have it.
Is Michael Diane's ghostly guy? Bob's campsite client? Or Lee's donkey do-gooder? David's team, where would you like to start? Um, well, Diane.
Where were you when you mistook Michael for a ghost? I was backstage at the Theatre Royal, Bath.
And what were you doing there? I was in a play.
What happened? You were in the dark, waiting to go on in the wings? I was in the wings.
In the wings, waiting to go on? And I'd been told a ghost story about this The Theatre Royal, Bath is haunted.
Where was Michael? What was the story? Well, that the theatre was haunted.
They said that about once a week, this ghost, a man with white hair would float around the theatre.
So, you heard that story I'm standing in the wings Uh-huh.
.
.
I turn round, and I see Well, I know it's Michael now, but at the time, I thought it was the ghost cos of the hair.
And I sort of inadvertently punched him.
And what was he wearing? He was wearing quite dark clothes, because he was, you know, working backstage.
He looked like he was kneeling on some sort of prop, so he looked like he didn't have any legs.
That's what made me think, "Oh, my God! It's the ghost!" So, he had sort of sidled up and knelt on something? Yeah.
I have to say, I have slightly less sympathy for Michael now I realise that what he did is he sort of crept up behind you and knelt there.
That is slightly creepy behaviour, isn't it? Yeah.
Yeah.
I did ask him why he was kneeling on the bookcase.
I imagine that, at that point, he was also asking you why you hit him.
Yeah.
Which presumably Did he answer you? Was he able to say why he was kneeling on there? Yeah, he said there weren't any chairs backstage.
All right, who next? Bob.
You cut Michael's hair and this was on a campsite.
Yeah.
How did you come to Cos you're not a hairdresser, are you? I'm a hairdresser, David.
You had previously worked as a hairdresser, had you? I'm from a family, I'm the youngest of four boys, and in my family, tradition is that the eldest is a priest, then a lawyer LAUGHTER .
.
then a teacher and then a hairdresser.
So So it fell to me to take up the scissors.
I was given my first set of scissors when I was 13.
I actually had a pair of scissors when I was younger than that.
Were you the fourth child? No, no, it wasn't It was more for, you know, cutting out bits of coloured paper and No, these, no, no, these were Japanese steels, these were Yasukis.
Right, OK.
So, you you were given these hairdressing scissors at the age of 14.
Yes.
Had you undergone any further training or just were encouraged to experiment? Well, here's the rub, because Michael, or Micky as he's known, Micky the Drink, he's Why is he called Micky the Drink? Ah.
Anyway, so, he was one of the first people that I ever gave a haircut to as a young boy, as one of my friends.
And then fast forward to 1982, I go to the World Cup in Spain.
There was Michael, Billy the Pigeon Gentle Ken Billy the Pigeon? Gentle Ken Why's he called Billy the Pigeon? Always finding his way home? No, he's a pigeon.
Because he had, like, a flat chest.
We all went to Spain, we were on the campsite for the England fans.
I, as always, gave Micky his haircut, and the one man army from Nottingham, the Nottingham Forest fan, who caused all the trouble out there, he demanded that he had a haircut.
What trouble did he cause out there? Well, for example, he rushed to the cafe that we were in and threw a coin like that.
Could've damaged anyone.
Luckily, it went straight in the slot machine and won the jackpot.
I'm just going on here, it was really a rather simple story.
So, I cut Micky's hair as I've done since he was 13 So you'd cut his hair regularly, you first did it when he was 13 When he was 13.
.
.
and you were his regular hairdresser.
No, that would be a lie, but I would always cut Micky's hair.
I was seen doing this, and before you knew I, over the course of the next ten days, I probably did 50 to 60 haircuts.
And were you paid for these haircuts? I probably was, but in kind.
Oh, no.
The only thing any of these English fans could say was "Huevos solo," and that got you an egg sandwich.
And I seem to remember that people, cos I was cutting hair, it was always in the morning that someone would bring me "Mate, you're busy cutting hair, have a huevo solo.
" So, you were paid in egg sandwiches? I think maybe I was.
I don't, I think And you did 50 haircuts over, what, how many days? I think it was probably eight days.
So you're having 50 egg sandwiches over eight days? I mean, I'm interested in the haircuts themselves.
Yeah.
Was there a signature style? It was the early '80s, were there mullets going on? I mean, what was the look? It was a feathered look I was expert at.
Where I'm from, it's called the foffer.
You'll probably think of it like Rod Stewart.
Oh, it's a lovely look.
Layered at the bottom, yeah? Yes.
Do you still cut hair now? Oh, not so much now, Rob.
I To be honest with you, I can't I can't do the new cuts.
Did you hear that? "I can't do the new cuts.
" I can't do the new cuts, no.
Right, what about Lee and the donkey? So, Lee, tell us your story.
I was at the seaside.
I went to Whereabouts? Blackpool.
When was this? This was last year, believe it or not.
Last year Only last year, since the last series and why it hasn't cropped up so far.
Fair enough, fair enough.
On holiday or were you summer seasoning there? Summer seasoning? Doing a summer season? I'm not a juggler.
They have comedians in Blackpool.
Or were you giving a keynote speech at the Conservative Party Conference? All right, I was doing a summer season.
No, I was just, I was on a little weekend break.
I decided to take my family to Blackpool.
What sort of loos are these? Public toilets on Blackpool seafront.
So, you go into the loo I go into the loo Yeah, where's? .
.
to use the toilet.
Where's the donkey? The donkey is in the cubicle.
The door was shut and I did that thing where I looked underneath, and I just saw two hooves.
LAUGHTER I said, "Will you be long, mate?" Which way was the donkey? Which way? Which way in was he? He was actually facing outwards, so the bottom was stuck in the cubicle and the head was sticking out the front.
So, he reversed in, did he? No, he didn't reverse in, the toilet reversed up to him.
Yes, he reversed in.
OK.
It turns out that someone had witnessed this happen.
Yeah.
He'd gone into the toilet Who is this person who witnessed this happen? It wassome guy was in there.
Some other guy, not Michael, and he goes, "I tell you what's happened here, this donkey" And what did he say? I walked straight over and I went, "Blimey.
There's a donkey stuck in the cubicle!" And the man told us, "This donkey has wandered in from the beach, "you know, where they do the donkey rides and then someone had used "the hand-dryer and he's freaked, ran round, got disorientated "and then reversed into a cubicle.
" At this point, Michael was in there, cos the other fella went out, he said, "I'm not dealing with that, I've got to go.
" "I'm just the one that's here to explain the scenario.
" The guy said, "I'm not dealing with this, "I've just got a leopard out the sink.
You can do this one.
" So he goes out, and the donkey's back end was literally stuck inside this, inside the cubicle.
How did you get the donkey out? I pulled, I pulled the reins as hard as He had reins.
That's why we knew he wasn't a wild donkey, cos there are wild donkeys in Blackpool.
I'm pulling on the reins like that, and Michael sort of tried to lean over the back, and he had his beach towel with him, and gently gave him a little I wouldn't say a whip, that would be hard, but enough to make him try and come forward.
But it just didn't work.
We could not get this donkey out.
Right.
It died.
LAUGHTER The hooves fell off.
"Join us next week on" Yeah, and At least he was the right way in to use the loo.
Yes, perhaps he was using the loo! That's why he wouldn't come out, he needed the loo.
Yeah.
I hadn't thought of that.
I say donkey, I mean fat bloke.
I remember now, it was a fat bloke, and I wanted to use the toilet.
I think he had one of those funny little Blackpool masks on of a donkey.
It's all coming back to me now.
"You're arrested!" I did three months in Parkhurst.
That's the end of the story.
You did three months in Parkhurst since we last did the show? Actually it was the prison office.
HE MUMBLES So, there we are.
We need an answer.
David's team, is Michael Diane's ghostly guy, Bob's campsite client, or Lee's donkey do-gooder? Well, what do you think? See, I first, when I heard Diane's story, I thought that was a lie, and then I heard Bob's story And Lee's story, and then suddenly, Diane's story seems a little bit more real.
Yes.
I think it's Bob.
I think giving your man a haircut is the truth.
50 haircuts a week, paid in egg sandwiches? I don't know that you can do that hairstyle with one pair of scissors.
I'm from a family of hairdressers and I just don't think you can do Rod Stewart with the one pair of scissors.
She's from a family of hairdressers.
Did you have more than one pair of scissors? No.
My response to that, Nadiya, is a family of not very good hairdressers.
O-o-o-o-oh.
Two sets of scissors? He looks round about Bob's age.
And Bob's haircut.
Yeah.
DAVID: Can I just say, one final chance, he looks to me like a man who hangs around gentlemen's toilets.
I'm going with Diane.
Yeah.
You're going with Diane, you're set, then? David's team are saying that it is Diane.
Michael, would you please confirm your true identity.
My name is Michael and Bob gave me a haircut at a campsite.
We can actually see photographic evidence of Bob cutting Michael's hair.
There they are.
Oh, my gosh.
It really did happen.
Thank you very much, Michael.
Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, and we start with It is Lee.
Possession.
Right.
Under the desk is a box, so pop it on the desk very carefully, very carefully, like that.
"I've recently got into baking and here's a cake I made yesterday, "specially for David.
" Oh.
Oh, it ain't bad, is it? Let's have a proper look at that cake.
Wow.
That is uncanny.
It's got all of my thousands of teeth.
Why don't we see how close a depiction it is? We have the technology to do what they call split screen.
Look down camera one.
OK, so, talk us through what's gone into making that cake.
Well, how do you What do you want to know first? How you made it.
OK.
Right, first of all, I made the cake, let's call it the cake bit, right? I made a sponge, that's the word.
I made the sponge first.
How do you make a sponge? How DON'T you make a sponge? How DO you make a sponge? No, let's do "How don't you make a sponge?" OK, what you do is you get your eggs and your flour Of course.
.
.
and then How many eggs for a sponge of that size? I would say, for that size, the bottom bit David's bottom Or the other bit, really, they're the same size.
Oh, no they're not.
They're not, David.
Your bottom is a lot bigger than your top half.
For the bottom, I use about I would say I use about six eggs for the bottom sponge.
O-o-o-o-oh.
Nadiya, six eggs for the bottom, yes or no? So, 12 eggs altogether? No.
Yes.
No.
I didn't say how I'd made the top sponge.
What temperature did you bake it at? It was The room was room temperature at the time.
I preheated the oven at 180 degrees, because it's fan-assisted, so I knocked off 10% for that.
Oh, right, so That sound right, Nadiya? Almost convincing.
Yeah.
Wow.
You knocked off 10%.
You always do.
Knock off 10% if it's fan-assisted.
Mm-hmm.
Just going to have a little lick of your moustache, David.
I hate to say it, Lee, but you've slightly spoiled my present.
Wait till you eat it and you pass out and wake up in me cellar.
So Six eggs per sponge? No, no, no, three eggs per top half and bottom half.
OK.
Right.
How long do you leave that sponge in? I would say What I tend to do is, I don't do it the traditional way of timing it, I keep a good eye on it, and I wait till it's sponge-like and take it out.
OK.
It takes about I'd say it took me about Half an hour, Nadiya? .
.
40 minutes.
I mean, unless you bake, you don't know when you've got a fan-assisted oven It's difficult, isn't it? Yeah.
LAUGHTER Difficult.
He seems to knowhe seems to know that bit.
You seem to know that bit of information, which is Not everyone knows that.
Well, people are stupid.
Yeah, well Let's go to the centrepiece.
Yeah.
The crowning triumph, which is the wonderful visual depiction of David.
How did you approach? Yep.
.
.
bringing him so vividly to life? Well Talk us through that.
Well, I started off, I tried to do you.
Here we go.
But that came out very bitter.
Lee, even though you violated David's face, who would like to try a piece? I'll try some.
All right.
Now, what flavour is it, just so we know when we taste it.
It's a sort of, it's an orangey citrus invention.
OK, here we go.
Here's the first slice.
This is going to Diane.
Yes.
There you go.
And then Bob.
How would you describe the flavour, Diane? I won't be insulted.
It's very dry.
Well, it wasn't dry when I made it last week.
David, would you like a slice of your own head? Yeah, I would.
Yeah, I'd love one.
Nadiya, you be the judge.
Listen, don't hold back, I can take it.
We can all have this.
It looks like cake and it tastes like cake But it acts like a carpet.
It's dry enough for me to believe that you might have made it.
Aaah.
What? What are you thinking, Michael? I think that he's been doing a bit of baking.
I think he's made it.
I think it's bad enough for him to have made this.
Whoa! Michael, you also think Unfair.
.
.
you also think he did it? I think he did.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think, I think maybe I think He's just cutting your eye out.
You know, often on this show, you say I don't see things from your point of view? Well, let's Is everyone still here? David, it's time to decide.
Was it the truth or was it a lie? Well, I think We think it could be true.
You're going to say true? Yeah.
OK, Lee I'm going to keep these and take them home.
And wear them when I make love to my wife.
All right.
Was it the truth or was it a lie? Well, actually, it is in facta lie.
BUZZER Oh, that noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show, and I can reveal that David's team have won by three points to two.
Well done.
Well done.
Thanks for watching.
Goodnight.