Would I Lie To You? (2007) Episode Scripts

N/A - Kevin Bishop, Brian Blessed, Josh Widdicombe and Kate Williams

APPLAUSE Good evening, welcome to Would I Lie To You?, the show where honesty is never the best policy.
On Lee Mack's team tonight, a legendary Shakespearean actor who starred in Hamlet, Much Ado About Nothing and King Lear, though, of course, I know him best from Peppa Pig, it's Brian Blessed.
APPLAUSE And an actor whose first role was in the highly-rated Grange Hill.
I say highly-rated, it only got a satisfactory from Ofsted.
It's Kevin Bishop.
APPLAUSE And on David Mitchell's team tonight, young and good-looking, he's at least one of those things, it's the young Josh Widdicombe.
APPLAUSE And an historian and broadcaster who says she's into historical fashion.
So is David, but not intentionally.
It's Professor Kate Williams.
APPLAUSE So we begin with Round One, Home Truths, where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before and they've no idea what they'll be faced with, and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
Josh is first up tonight.
Josh, would you reveal all? To keep fit every morning, I do just one press-up, one sit-up and one star-jump.
LAUGHTER Lee's team.
Well, it's clearly working.
LAUGHTER Do you know what? I'm going to take that on face value.
Thank you very much.
Why don't you do more? You can manage two of everything, surely.
No, because it's in the bathroom every morning Right.
and I've never been very good at physical fitness.
I don't enjoy it.
But what happened was I thought I'd start by doing one of each and then I'll build up slowly but surely.
Do you press up on your fists or your hands? Well, my hands, because I'm not insane.
LAUGHTER On your hands? Do you do press-ups on your fists? Yes, yes, I can, yes.
I do about 50, 60, 70.
There's no end to my talents.
Oh, really? You mock, you know, what I do That's right.
but Yes.
he does 60 press-ups, I do one.
Who's in the better shape? LAUGHTER Whoa! He's climbed Everest.
What have you ever done? One sit-up, one press-up and one star-jump.
LAUGHTER Could you demonstrate how you do it for us? Why don't you pop yourself just there? All right, so Do you go into this in a sort of giddy way or do you warm up? Because I find Do I warm up? You warm up I find, when I wake up in the morning, it takes me a while before I reach my full potential.
I can't just go at it hammer and tongs.
I have to stretch a little bit, make sure all the extremities are working.
This is another detail as to why I do it in the bathroom, because I go for a shower, I take my boxer shorts off, which I sleep in, so I normally do it in the In the nude? In the altogether, yes.
What order do you do them in? Press-up, sit-up, star-jump.
Well, you've got a system.
Strength followed by cardio.
LAUGHTER Go on, do your press-up.
Ready? Yeah.
We've been ready for a while, Josh, to be honest with you.
LAUGHTER I'll be honest, normally I have my inhaler, so this is a gamble.
LAUGHTER Are you this reticent at home in the morning? No, but normally Lee Mack's not sat in the corner making jokes at me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm never there! Never there.
I just want to make that absolutely clear.
Can I ask you a question Josh, sorry? Do you live with anybody? Yeah, my girlfriend.
That's not true, it's a lie.
LAUGHTER So, walk in, close the door, walk across Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You live with your girlfriend? Yeah.
Why do you need to close the door? Oh, because, come on, how emasculating is my exercise routine? I don't know, we haven't seen it yet.
I do think as well, Lee, it's very important to keep mystery in a relationship if you want to maintain the magic.
If you parade in front of your partner without a second thought, I think the magic can slowly diminish.
Well, I'm lucky because my wife is blind.
I think she's the lucky one in that relationship.
Walk in, close the door, and then All right.
straight down into the press-up.
Ooh! Into the sit-up.
LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Do you remember, back in the day, in the Rocky movies, the training montages? Yeah.
That's what's coming back for me when I watch that.
Have you been doing this for long? Three months.
You seemed to be struggling a bit on the sit-up.
I'm not going to lie to you By the way, you may have to at some point LAUGHTER There's a ridge under the bath that I can normally stick my toes under, so I use that to Oh, so you even cheat for your one sit-up? LAUGHTER Brian, does it ring true? I, well, it does to a certain extent.
I mean, cos I sleep naked Er You what? .
as nature intended.
And I've got lots of animals.
I have a Jack Russell female that absolutely adores me and she sleeps between my legs and LAUGHTER .
and she wakes me up by scratching my privates.
Can I just check, have I had a blackout and we're talking about something else? LAUGHTER So, Brian thinks it rings true.
Kevin, what do you make of it? I think it's silly But it's working.
You've got to see that it's working.
I think it might be true.
Well, I have to go with my team and say true, then.
OK, true.
Josh - truth or is it a lie? It isa lie.
APPLAUSE Yes, it's a lie.
Josh doesn't do one press-up, one sit-up and one star-jump every morning.
Brian, it's your turn.
While searching for a mythical beast in the jungle, my boat was skippered by an orang-utan.
LAUGHTER Well, we've had this one before.
LAUGHTER Yes, yes, I'll make it easier.
It was a canoe Right.
I was paddling a canoe.
I wasn't imaging one of those big cruise ships.
No, not a big ship.
Oh, I was.
I went as a guest of the Viceroy of Malaysia and we were there specifically to hunt for Orang Pendek, upright man Can I just stop you? .
which is a Nope? .
kind of yeti, and LAUGHTER .
we got into the canoe and there's a canoe there and this orang-utan, they always loved me because I look like a gorilla.
I got in it and it rowed and it rowed and I made noises at it.
I actually developed the noise for the king of the Gungans in Star Wars.
I played Boss Nass.
And when the Jedi wanted me to help them Sorry, can I? .
they all kneeled in front of me Can I? .
I stepped in front and went No.
So And this When I did that to the orang-utan, it went MAKES FARTING NOISE OK, so let me clarify, you're in search of a mythical beast and you arrive in Malaysia Yeah.
and you come across a river, you get into a canoe, the canoe At the oars That's right.
of the canoe is already an orang-utan.
That's right.
He starts rowing.
That's right.
You give directions to the orang-utan using noises later to be employed in a major sci-fi franchise.
Absolutely right! Yeah, um How far did the orang-utan take you? Oh, about ten, 15, 20 miles.
Oh? Very upright body.
Did you feed him? And at the end of the journey, when we got off the bank, he gave me a wonderful big deep-throated kiss.
I would like to pause the proceedings and have a word with my client.
LAUGHTER We would like to change our plea.
LAUGHTER Insanity.
And he loved it when I LAUGHTER He loved it when I belched.
Let me ask this.
The orang-utan, was he paddling with an oar? Yes, that's right.
Or was he paddling with his large hands? He was paddling like an Olympic rower.
Oh, no, come on! Yes! LAUGHTER So, David, what is your team thinking about Brian'sstory? Kate, do you think it's true? Well, I liked the detail, but I'm concerned about the distance the orang-utan succeeded in.
Had it been just five metres, I could've believed it, but all that way? I think it would have the upper-body strength, but would an orang-utan see the point LAUGHTER .
of rowing strangers 20 miles? Do you know, the only thing I don't buy is that.
Well, I once heard a podcast in which someone described a chimpanzee making a gin and tonic.
Oh! Oh, oh, oh! Sorry, David, you have won me round(!) Yeah, yeah.
So you're saying it's true? Yep, it's true, yeah, yeah.
Brian Blessed, was that the truth or was it a lie? True.
APPLAUSE Well played.
Yes, it's true.
Brian's boat was skippered by an orang-utan.
Kevin, you're next.
I once found my postman's finger.
Ermwhere? On the floor, in my hallway.
On the floor, in your hallway? It had been sliced off by the letterbox? Sliced off by the letterbox?! He was posting a letter No(!) .
through my letterbox on a Saturday morning, and That doesn't sound very likely.
and we suddenly saw a postman up against the window with a finger missing.
LAUGHTER He was banging on the window, screaming for help.
And when we went to answer the door the finger was just there.
It was completely off.
From where? From halfway? From his hand.
I know from his hand, I mean from whereabouts on the finger? From the top knuckle.
You can stick it back on, can't you, and tape it and things like that? Yeah, yeah, we, um Before the hospital comes along, the doctor.
We put it in ice.
And he took it to the hospital with him, and they stitched it back on, apparently.
And did it still move? I don't know, I've not seen him since.
LAUGHTER Had you previously noticed quite how vicious the action on your letterbox was? Well, I've never posted a letter in my own letterbox.
Why would I do that? Oh, you've had to pull a bulky one through, we all have.
And I have LAUGHTER What I bet happened is it came down on him and he recoiled in terror, something I'm sure that Brian could act with great Imagine, Brian, you put your finger in, you've got it caught.
How would you recoil? I'd go Aaaaarrrrggggghhhhh! Something like that.
Yes, yes.
That sort of thing, yes.
APPLAUSE Was it harrowing? Like, I'd find For him, yeah.
For him? It must have been quite harrowing for you.
Yes, it was.
How old were you? I was, umabout ten.
And who phoned 999 and said Not the postman.
"I've got the postman's finger"? LAUGHTER I mean, let's be practical, you could use your other hand.
LAUGHTER So, David, what do you think? Um, do you think it's true? I don't.
I think it would've been more kind of affecting.
I think Kevin's a bit laissez faire with something that would've maybe stuck He wouldn't be able to tell a story like this yet, cos Cos it'd be so traumatic.
In fact, whenever anyone beckoned to him, he'd scream.
LAUGHTER Do you beckon TO someone? Or do you beckon someone? Probably beckon.
You're right, I've wasted a preposition.
LAUGHTER So, what do you say - truth or lie? Yeah.
I don't want it to be true, because if it is true for Kevin's postman, it could be true for ours, because Suddenly it explains all those fingers on the doormat.
I think it's not true.
I think the ice is too convenient and it I don't know what I mean by that! APPLAUSE We're going to say it's not true.
So it's a lie, then? Yeah.
Kevin Bishop, the truth or a lie? It is in fact true.
O-o-o-o-o-oh! APPLAUSE Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest, who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of David's team will claim it's them who has the genuine connection to the guest and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's special guests, Jenna, Thomas and Joanna.
APPLAUSE So Kate, first of all.
What are they to you? This is Jenna, Thomas and Joanna and they let me sleep in their tent in Glastonbury when I couldn't find mine.
Josh, how do you know them? This is Jenna, Thomas and Joanna and together we made up my entire school year.
David, what is your connection? This is Jenna, Thomas and Joanna and I nudged them into a canal when I lost control of my Boris bike.
LAUGHTER So, there we have it.
Are they Kate's festival friends, Josh's school chums, or David's bike buddies? Lee's team.
Josh, when you say, between the four of you, you made up your school year, do you mean it didn't exist? My entire year was us four.
I'm looking at faces now to see if they look an equal age.
Now Well, yeah, I suppose Do you think they look an equal age? Yeah, they do.
Yeah, that's convincing.
OK, that bit of the story we believe.
They look a lot younger than Josh, it has to be said.
Well, you know, they're probably doing three to four press-ups a day.
LAUGHTER What's Between them or? LAUGHTER What year was this? 1987 Yeah.
to 1994.
I would've been four to 11.
Where was it? Where were you at school? Devon.
Where in Devon? On Dartmoor.
How many kids were in the other years? Oh, well, ours was the smallest.
You don't say(?) Yeah.
So the one below was six Right.
I think it actually started to get bigger, cos the school got more popular, so by the time I was leaving, you were looking at eight or nines.
That's ridiculous.
How does a child get any attention with that sort of class size? LAUGHTER Have you stayed in contact with them? Uh I haven't stayed in contact with Jenna and Joanna.
Why? Why? LAUGHTER Hang on, let's test him on this.
Which one is Thomas? LAUGHTER Thomas is in the middle.
And I've seen him a couple of times because his brother is married to my sister.
Really? Yeah.
And they talk about the Welsh, don't they? LAUGHTER If this was the size of your year, what happened when you got to the Nativity play or the summer concert? The summer concert? LAUGHTER Or the garden party, or the? When you troop the colour, how did you do that? LAUGHTER Well, it wasn't just a class of four, we were taught four years together.
Oh, so four fours12.
16! LAUGHTER And that's the benefit of the smaller class size, isn't it? LAUGHTER Is it still as small? I don't still go.
No, but you must know.
You must know.
It'd be frowned upon if I hung outside, counting the children.
LAUGHTER I'm interested to know what the system was at lunchtime.
Was it packed lunches or did they provide something hot? Obviously, because there was only, what, 40 children in our school, there was no need to cook school dinners on-site.
So you went to a restaurant? What are you talking about? LAUGHTER So we went to Wagamama's.
No, um LAUGHTER So, what would happen, cos obviously most of us were packed, so, um LAUGHTER You've got a very high opinion of yourself.
LAUGHTER So what would happen would be, when you were answering their register, you wouldn't say, "Here".
Instead you'd say "packed" or "dinners".
Then one of the children would tally up the amount of people that say "dinners" and then they'd phone it through to the nearest school who would The nearest school is where you are.
No, that's To the next school.
Oh, right.
Then they'd cook us the eight dinners and get them sent across.
So you were having supply dinners, essentially.
Yeah, we had a kind of meals on wheels deal with our dinners.
All right, who would you like to quiz next? Uh, David.
Yeah, David.
Uhwhere were you cycling on your Boris bike? The Regent's Canal in London.
Sort of from where I live towards Eastwards towards Kings Cross.
"Eastwards"? Where were you going, Mordor? LAUGHTER "I was travelling eastwards.
" Eastwards, yes, easterly.
Easterly?! In an easterly direction.
"I'm off out.
" "Where you going?" "Uh, I'm going eastwards.
" APPLAUSE "I'll see you later.
" "When are you back?" "Oh, I don't know.
" "It depends what the westerly wind's like on the way back.
" Have you got a bay of Boris bikes near you? Not that near me.
I was hurrying somewhere and I was late Where were you going? To a meeting.
Were you wearing a helmet? I was not.
Right, so you were going to a meeting, you were in a rush.
How did you manage to knock three people in? It's ridiculous, isn't it? Were they stood dressed as dominoes? LAUGHTER No, they were sort of sitting on the edge of the canal.
I was I'm not an experienced cyclist.
I'd only got the Boris bike because I was running so late.
Did you knock them in the river and you thought, "Let's swap numbers and keep in touch"? That's exactly it, yes.
LAUGHTER I thought that.
So just talk us through it in a bit more detail.
Did you knock them off with your body? Did you knock them off with the bike? I'm cycling along the towpath - I'm late.
My phone rings.
It's the people at the meeting, and I'm afraid I answer my phone Oh.
on the towpath Without a helmet.
Oh, David.
You don't expect me to put a helmet on to answer my phone.
LAUGHTER And when they went in, what did you then do? Well, they were out again as soon as they were in Shallow.
It wasn't a very deep bit of the canal.
The deeper water is further out.
That's actually the title of my collection of poems.
LAUGHTER David? Yeah.
If I was cycling at speed and I hit three people .
I think I'd go over myself.
Wouldn't? I think the momentum would take me off my bike.
Well, what can I tell you? Doesn't happen.
LAUGHTER What about Kate? Do you have any questions, Brian, for Kate? Yes.
Can you? What did Kate say? She couldn't find her tent at Glastonbury, so these three reprobates, let's call them, offered for her to sleep in their tent.
They're my knights in shining armour, they rescued me.
Do you know that I've just done the voiceover for all the loos at Glastonbury? Oh! For the loos?! What do you say? What is the voiceover? "Are you enjoying your loo? Some people don't have any loo at all.
"All over the world they don't have a loo and you're privileged to have a loo.
" I've just done a whole government thing for it.
I thought possibly you might have sat in one of these loos.
LAUGHTER No, but I'm envisioning the thought of going into a loo and suddenly you popping into my ears.
LAUGHTER Can I just at this point? Kevin, I know for fact, can do a very, very good Brian Blessed impersonation.
AS BRIAN: "I, no, I wouldn't, absolutely" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE "Are you sitting down?" "Are you sitting comfortably?" Oh, great, now I've got him in stereo.
LAUGHTER First of all, when was this? This was Glastonbury, 2011.
My boyfriend bought tickets for him and his brother, and then I heard Beyonce was going to be there, so I said, "I'll come, too," so I could see the goddess OK.
in person.
So you've lost your tent So at one o'clock in the morning, I needed to go to the loo, so I set off in search of the loos with my phone.
And because you'd gone to see Beyonce, when you couldn't find your tent There's a joke coming up.
did you go, # Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh,-uh-oh, uh-oh # ? SHE SINGS ALONG Rob, Rob, Rob No You told us about some joke that was on its way.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE So you come back and now you can't find your tent Well, I had a bit of a loo mission, because the first set of loos were not clean, and so I had to try and find some more, so I went Someone, said, "There's some more over there," and there were people sort of, you know, making new friends there, so I didn't want to stay there.
LAUGHTER This poor woman who was taking pity on me said, "There's another over there," so I went to the other ones, and This is like a quest.
First set of loos, too dirty.
Second set of loos, too sexually compromised.
Set of loos number three This is the voiceover you want in the toilet, ladies and gentlemen.
"Don't forget this is for defecation, not sexual compromise.
" LAUGHTER Yes, I have the precise timbre to reverse arousal.
LAUGHTER So you're going, you're crawling through the grass at Glastonbury I found the third set.
That was all fine.
And then I thought, "OK, I'm going to walk back now.
" But I just couldn't find my way.
How did they come about? Well, I was wandering around and then I just thought, "I'm going to have to throw myself on someone's mercy," so I I thought you were going to say "tent" then.
I thought, "That's no way of doing it".
Help me!" Surely just knock on the flap first.
That's the voice you need in the toilet! LAUGHTER I just saw these three friendly people, and I thought, "Maybe I'll just approach them," because I was getting desperate.
So I said, "Look, I'm completely lost," and they said they'd help.
"We'll help you find this first set of loos," because if I found the first set, I can find my tent.
I see.
So, they said, "Look, we could be going all night, "this is really useless, let's just go and sleep in our tent.
" What's the set-up with Thomas Jenna and Joanna? LAUGHTER Well, this is a good point, Rob, because I did have that question Did you hear that? Good point.
Unlike the postman.
Good point.
I know, I got it.
I was wondering when the joke was coming.
That's the problem with postal jokes, it's always the next day when you get it.
We need an answer.
So, Lee's team, are Jenna, Thomas and Joanna Kate's festival friends, Josh's school chums, or David's bike buddies? Do you think there's any truth in David's story? No, none at all.
None at all.
The whole escapade sounds like Toad Of Toad Hall with the bike, the Boris bike going down the canal.
Regent's Canal, of course, that's near the zoo there, where you get lots of orang-utans.
LAUGHTER At the very least, it's unlikely.
Oh, it's definitely unlikely.
I mean, it's worthy of anecdote.
I mean, no-one's going to come and say, "These are three people I said hello to in the post office".
LAUGHTER There's got to be an unlikeliness to it or it's not worth televising.
APPLAUSE This is potentially worth televising.
Brian thinks it's Josh.
Kevin? I also think it's Josh.
Is it the ages? Cos they do look very similar in age.
I have to say, Tom in the middle there, of the three, looks like he's had a slightly harder life.
LAUGHTER We're going to go with Josh.
You're going to say it's Josh.
On behalf of the three, Joanna, would you reveal your true identities? We are Joanna, Thomas and Jenna, and together we make up the entire year of Josh's school.
And here's the proof, we've got the school photo.
Have a look.
Thank you very much, Jenna, Thomas and Joanna.
APPLAUSE Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, and we start with It's Lee.
Because it irritates me so much, I'm always correcting people when they wrongly call fog "mist", and mist "fog".
Oh, right.
What is the distinction, Lee, between mist and fog? Well, that is a very good question, David.
LAUGHTER Any others? Mist is I used to live by the coast, we used to have a lot of sea fret.
You know, sea fret.
What's sea fret? Sea fret is like, it's a sort of mist Right.
and it's produced by the sea.
Fog-like, you might say.
That really irritates me, that, David.
APPLAUSE There is a thing called sea fret.
It is when the mist comes off the sea, it's the water that comes off the sea, we used to have a lot of that.
I remember my mum said, "Oh, it's foggy again.
" And I killed her.
LAUGHTER I would say that was when it started.
I call that Day One.
So here's a question maybe familiar to you, Lee Yes.
What is the differencebetween mist and fog? I'll tell you exactly the difference.
Mist comes from a very rainy day, which then becomes Misty.
Whereas fog is where it's foggy.
APPLAUSE Fogfog comes from a drop in temperature.
If it's very cold suddenly.
There has to be a sudden temperature change for fog.
How quick? Mist is the opposite and is often created by heat, which causes water to evaporate and thus causing mist.
And be honest, you weren't expecting that, were you? APPLAUSE So fog is as a result of a sudden drop in temperature.
Mist is a result of evaporation caused by heat.
And can you tell to look at it, or do you have to have known the meteorological back-story? You can tell by looking at it.
Mist is How can I describe it in layman's terms? Um Is mist thinner? Fog is on the floor, isn't it? Yeah, fog is denser.
Mist is a little It's a bit easier to see someone in mist.
But how could you tell the difference between a light fog and a heavy mist? LAUGHTER You can tell the difference, in the same way as you can tell the difference between a light fat person and a heavy thin person.
LAUGHTER When was the last time you corrected someone on it? The last foggy day we had.
Who was it that you corrected? I corrected a sailor, actually.
How did you find yourself to be with a sailor? I was on a fishing trip.
On a fishing trip? On a fishing trip, just off the west coast of Scotland.
What were you doing up there? Lost.
It was from Brighton we left.
LAUGHTER What do you feel about the Paul Gascoigne song Fog On The Tyne? I felt worse when he took that penalty and he missed.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Why do you find people making this mistake between two phenomena that do look pretty similar? Why do you? They don't look similar.
Yes, of course they look similar.
No, they don't.
It's like the air is difficult to look through.
What is it about the distinction between mist and fog that makes it a particular bugbear of yours? I think it's because of when I lost my Uncle Pete at sea LAUGHTER So, what are you going to say then? Is it the truth? Lie.
Lie? Lie.
Lie, we think it's a lie.
You're saying it's a lie.
Leetruth or lie? It's a lie.
APPLAUSE BUZZER Oh, and that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show and I can reveal that David's team have won by three points to two.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thanks for watching.