X-Men (1992) s02e11 Episode Script
Mojovision
(GROWLING) (SNARLS) No! No! (SCREAMS) Domo! You ranted, sir? (MOJO CRYING) I'm ruined! Ratings are off.
Video's in the toilet.
My sponsors want to deep-fry me! And your action figures aren't selling! You designed the show.
So change it.
(SCOFFS) Change it? You cold sore! Just try replacing me! You've abused every decent actor in the galaxy.
You're a soulless, sadistic bag of pus, and you smell! (EXCLAIMS) Flattery, young man, will get you absolutely nowhere! (LAUGHING) You little vermin! (BARKING) You're all dog meat! Look at this.
(GRUNTS) See this nose hair? It can act better than you! Actually, if I hold it up to the light, it looks like you, in a tuxedo! He had a point, O Bulbous One.
What do you mean? (STOMACH GROWLING) (BELCHES) Tell me we have a replacement.
(BELCHES) Tell me, please! Nothing proven, Most Congealed Master.
The X-Men.
A bit primitive, and from a backwater dimension we don't usually bother with.
Do I look like a man that cares? (MOJO SPITS) I don't care! Get them! Mojo can make a star out of anyone! Instantaneous test numbers are good in all dimensions, O Potentate of Programming.
The passion! The drama! (MOJO WHOOPING) (LAUGHING) And we can get them cheap! I'm making money just standing here thinking about it! Am I standing? You may have done it again.
Of course I have! I am a genius! Get Mojo the X-Men! (MOJO LAUGHING) This is the finest television available today.
Digital everything.
1,300 scan lines.
Does it have a built-in surge protector? Our last television met with an unfortunate accident.
-Accident? I don't understand.
-You'd have to know Jubilee.
She won't have any trouble with our new remote control.
Uh-uh.
-Don't touch that dial! -That's odd.
(LAUGHS) Hey, I warned you! (SALES CLERK GROANS) Nobody tunes out Mojovision! CYCLOPS: Who are you? What do you want? (MOJO EXCLAIMS) Let's not get off on the wrong foot, bubby.
(MOJO LAUGHING) Can we talk? I've had my eye on your career.
Forceful, heroic.
(BELCHES) Loved what you did with the Sentinels! Star potential! Sorry, it must have been the producer I had for lunch.
I mean, the thing with the eye blasts, talk about your x-ray specs.
Baby, you'll knock them dead! Who are you? Is this some kind of sick joke? Cyclops, sweetheart! I'm offering you X-Men a lifetime contract! With the standard non-survival clauses.
Don't worry, it's just a formality.
I'm still not sure what you're selling, pal, but we're leaving.
A rejection! Well Well, I should have known better than to try to help out some ungrateful amateur act from a from a dirt-bag dimension like yours! Who do you think you are? You're nothing! A nobody! And nobody says "No" to Mojo! (BOTH GROANING) (MOJO LAUGHING) Listen up, one-eye.
I make the program decisions around here! (MOJO LAUGHING) (CYCLOPS GROANS) JEAN: Stop it! He can't survive much more! Tell it to a lawyer.
Do I interfere in your contract negotiations? Like I need some two-bit supporting actress telling me how to run my business! What is this? The Fourth of July? Scott! Are you all right? (GASPS) Now that's what I call entertainment! Spiral! Would you show our cast to the studio and call wardrobe? They look like they dressed out of a dumpster! (LAUGHING) I mean, really.
Excuse me one moment, would you, please? The auditions are closed.
Time to report to the set.
(WOLVERINE GROWLING) Jean! (MOJO EXCLAIMS) MOJO: What an entrance! Can you hear that applause? They love you guys! Stick with me and you, X-Men, will be stars.
Not like that ungrateful has-been -What's his name? -Longshot, O Depraved Omelet.
MOJO: Longshot.
(MOJO SPITS) He'll never eat lunch in this universe again! He's gone, he's history, he's jet fumes.
DOMO: He is forgotten, O Corrupter of Crania.
You've got about 1O seconds to send us back! Excuse me, are you threatening me? (ALL LAUGHING) Hey, hey, hey, this isn't a comedy! If you can't keep your lines straight, I can write you out of the first act! Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely, as seems evident.
Hey, furball, you had all your shots? And what, pray tell, are you X-Men going to give this mind-numbed bunch of couch potatoes and the trillions watching at home? What do they want to see? Peace? Freedom? (LAUGHING) Maybe good government? They want blood and guts and love and hate.
They want entertainment! You give them action! Action! Action! (WHISTLES) (SCREAMING) (MIMICS GUN FIRING) The X-Men don't fight without a reason! Violence and destruction are not forms of amusement.
(EXCLAIMS) Trust me, O My Performing Cattle, they are! And if ratings don't go up with every show, I'll cancel the series and its performers permanently! Control room, it's showtime! -What happened to Storm? -Scott! -How did we get out here? -I think we can thank our friend Mojo.
(EXPLOSIONS) -Where did that come from? -Over there! -Torpedo! -This one's mine.
Now to give them the slip.
(MOJO EXCLAIMING) (MOJO LAUGHING) We can't outrun those! STORM: I shall deal with the airborne threat! Wind and water, whirl and rage! MOJO: Bravo! Bravo! (GROANS) Cyclops! We must abandon ship! (LAUGHING) Now that's what I call a slam-bang ending! (CROWD CHEERING) (CROWD CHEERING) Listen to that audience response! I'm getting numbers here that mathematicians have never heard of.
The ratings are going through the roof! (GROANING) I may have to let them live.
JEAN: You're sick! (MOJO EXCLAIMS) Scott and Storm are human beings! You can't destroy them just to keep people amused! Do I look like a man that cares? Hey, control room, bring up show number two.
Control room.
MOJO: Control room! We've got to get somebody to help with the filing.
Where's Rogue? MOJO: Out of the blackness of space comes Rogue Star! MOJO: I tell you, this gal, Rogue, is big! Every kid in your dimension will give her right arm for a pair of Rogue gloves! What's going on, Beast? ROGUE: Looks like old blubber guts stuck us in some high-tech shooting gallery.
Oh, dear.
Deft maneuver, my dear.
But a bit breathtaking.
We may be outgunned.
But this little honey sure can handle.
MOJO: Stupendous! (BEAST SCREAMS) (SCREECHING) We are stable, but I fear our course is taking us into the sun! Dang-blasted thing won't turn! -Hey! -Rogue! Unhand her, you repulsive reptilians! (GRUNTING) (BEAST SCREAMING) Beast! Beast! Beast! MOJO: That's colossal! (MOJO MIMICS EXPLOSION) (EXCLAIMS) I give it two flippers up.
Next! And now it's Wolverine, starring in I Dream of Jean! Let's give it up.
Push that applause button, Spiral.
Let's rock'n'roll.
Wolverine! Listen! Mojo said it's only entertainment.
He won't let us win! He's controlling everything that happens! I'm going to try (JEAN SCREAMS) -Jean! -MOJO: What a love story! Am I moved by this mush, or what? (WOLVERINE GRUNTING) MOJO: The highest ratings ever for an educational show! Entertainment.
It's just television.
Electronic images created by machines.
-Logan! -Hang on, Jean! Electronic images created by machines, and machines can be affected by psycho-kinetic energy! (STAMMERING) What What is this? (CROWD BOOING) No! Control room! What are you doing up there? Sitting on your hands! MOJO ON SPEAKER: Go to a commercial! Go to reruns! Go to an infomercial! Go to something! I'm losing my audience to a bunch of dead trees! -SPIRAL: What are you doing here? -I'm setting the X-Men free.
So they can get out of my time slot.
Hey, hey, hey! You make them into stars and they just turn on you.
No! How about giving me a lift, Rogue? ROGUE: Any time, sugar.
Hold it! This, if you haven't been paying attention, is my dimension! Get with the program or get crushed! (SCREAMS) (CROWD CHEERING) (GROANS) Can someone please tell me what just happened? DOMO: Everything that Mojo created is gone.
Especially the audience.
Well, nothing lasts forever, especially in television.
Did I tell you I used to go out with an actress with two heads? -Yeah? Was she nice? -LONGSHOT: Yes and no.
Bubula! Come here.
Come here, yeah.
(KISSING) You look great.
Lost weight? Had the face-lift? Whatever.
Listen, it's time we did a fresh start, you know.
Now, we did a little re-think on that re-write for a re-group on a re-draft.
No, I'm talking new show, new time slot, new dimension, bigger hair, less money.
The whole nine yards! (MOJO LAUGHING) Look! A jungle picture! (SCREECHING) XAVIER: That must be your Citadel.
Yes, when I built it I felt I was creating a new world here.
(WOMAN SCREAMING) Magneto, we must help her! (GROANING) No, Charles! The creature attacking the woman is Sauron.
His powers would make him a dangerous foe, even if we still had our own.
There is nothing we can do.
Video's in the toilet.
My sponsors want to deep-fry me! And your action figures aren't selling! You designed the show.
So change it.
(SCOFFS) Change it? You cold sore! Just try replacing me! You've abused every decent actor in the galaxy.
You're a soulless, sadistic bag of pus, and you smell! (EXCLAIMS) Flattery, young man, will get you absolutely nowhere! (LAUGHING) You little vermin! (BARKING) You're all dog meat! Look at this.
(GRUNTS) See this nose hair? It can act better than you! Actually, if I hold it up to the light, it looks like you, in a tuxedo! He had a point, O Bulbous One.
What do you mean? (STOMACH GROWLING) (BELCHES) Tell me we have a replacement.
(BELCHES) Tell me, please! Nothing proven, Most Congealed Master.
The X-Men.
A bit primitive, and from a backwater dimension we don't usually bother with.
Do I look like a man that cares? (MOJO SPITS) I don't care! Get them! Mojo can make a star out of anyone! Instantaneous test numbers are good in all dimensions, O Potentate of Programming.
The passion! The drama! (MOJO WHOOPING) (LAUGHING) And we can get them cheap! I'm making money just standing here thinking about it! Am I standing? You may have done it again.
Of course I have! I am a genius! Get Mojo the X-Men! (MOJO LAUGHING) This is the finest television available today.
Digital everything.
1,300 scan lines.
Does it have a built-in surge protector? Our last television met with an unfortunate accident.
-Accident? I don't understand.
-You'd have to know Jubilee.
She won't have any trouble with our new remote control.
Uh-uh.
-Don't touch that dial! -That's odd.
(LAUGHS) Hey, I warned you! (SALES CLERK GROANS) Nobody tunes out Mojovision! CYCLOPS: Who are you? What do you want? (MOJO EXCLAIMS) Let's not get off on the wrong foot, bubby.
(MOJO LAUGHING) Can we talk? I've had my eye on your career.
Forceful, heroic.
(BELCHES) Loved what you did with the Sentinels! Star potential! Sorry, it must have been the producer I had for lunch.
I mean, the thing with the eye blasts, talk about your x-ray specs.
Baby, you'll knock them dead! Who are you? Is this some kind of sick joke? Cyclops, sweetheart! I'm offering you X-Men a lifetime contract! With the standard non-survival clauses.
Don't worry, it's just a formality.
I'm still not sure what you're selling, pal, but we're leaving.
A rejection! Well Well, I should have known better than to try to help out some ungrateful amateur act from a from a dirt-bag dimension like yours! Who do you think you are? You're nothing! A nobody! And nobody says "No" to Mojo! (BOTH GROANING) (MOJO LAUGHING) Listen up, one-eye.
I make the program decisions around here! (MOJO LAUGHING) (CYCLOPS GROANS) JEAN: Stop it! He can't survive much more! Tell it to a lawyer.
Do I interfere in your contract negotiations? Like I need some two-bit supporting actress telling me how to run my business! What is this? The Fourth of July? Scott! Are you all right? (GASPS) Now that's what I call entertainment! Spiral! Would you show our cast to the studio and call wardrobe? They look like they dressed out of a dumpster! (LAUGHING) I mean, really.
Excuse me one moment, would you, please? The auditions are closed.
Time to report to the set.
(WOLVERINE GROWLING) Jean! (MOJO EXCLAIMS) MOJO: What an entrance! Can you hear that applause? They love you guys! Stick with me and you, X-Men, will be stars.
Not like that ungrateful has-been -What's his name? -Longshot, O Depraved Omelet.
MOJO: Longshot.
(MOJO SPITS) He'll never eat lunch in this universe again! He's gone, he's history, he's jet fumes.
DOMO: He is forgotten, O Corrupter of Crania.
You've got about 1O seconds to send us back! Excuse me, are you threatening me? (ALL LAUGHING) Hey, hey, hey, this isn't a comedy! If you can't keep your lines straight, I can write you out of the first act! Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely, as seems evident.
Hey, furball, you had all your shots? And what, pray tell, are you X-Men going to give this mind-numbed bunch of couch potatoes and the trillions watching at home? What do they want to see? Peace? Freedom? (LAUGHING) Maybe good government? They want blood and guts and love and hate.
They want entertainment! You give them action! Action! Action! (WHISTLES) (SCREAMING) (MIMICS GUN FIRING) The X-Men don't fight without a reason! Violence and destruction are not forms of amusement.
(EXCLAIMS) Trust me, O My Performing Cattle, they are! And if ratings don't go up with every show, I'll cancel the series and its performers permanently! Control room, it's showtime! -What happened to Storm? -Scott! -How did we get out here? -I think we can thank our friend Mojo.
(EXPLOSIONS) -Where did that come from? -Over there! -Torpedo! -This one's mine.
Now to give them the slip.
(MOJO EXCLAIMING) (MOJO LAUGHING) We can't outrun those! STORM: I shall deal with the airborne threat! Wind and water, whirl and rage! MOJO: Bravo! Bravo! (GROANS) Cyclops! We must abandon ship! (LAUGHING) Now that's what I call a slam-bang ending! (CROWD CHEERING) (CROWD CHEERING) Listen to that audience response! I'm getting numbers here that mathematicians have never heard of.
The ratings are going through the roof! (GROANING) I may have to let them live.
JEAN: You're sick! (MOJO EXCLAIMS) Scott and Storm are human beings! You can't destroy them just to keep people amused! Do I look like a man that cares? Hey, control room, bring up show number two.
Control room.
MOJO: Control room! We've got to get somebody to help with the filing.
Where's Rogue? MOJO: Out of the blackness of space comes Rogue Star! MOJO: I tell you, this gal, Rogue, is big! Every kid in your dimension will give her right arm for a pair of Rogue gloves! What's going on, Beast? ROGUE: Looks like old blubber guts stuck us in some high-tech shooting gallery.
Oh, dear.
Deft maneuver, my dear.
But a bit breathtaking.
We may be outgunned.
But this little honey sure can handle.
MOJO: Stupendous! (BEAST SCREAMS) (SCREECHING) We are stable, but I fear our course is taking us into the sun! Dang-blasted thing won't turn! -Hey! -Rogue! Unhand her, you repulsive reptilians! (GRUNTING) (BEAST SCREAMING) Beast! Beast! Beast! MOJO: That's colossal! (MOJO MIMICS EXPLOSION) (EXCLAIMS) I give it two flippers up.
Next! And now it's Wolverine, starring in I Dream of Jean! Let's give it up.
Push that applause button, Spiral.
Let's rock'n'roll.
Wolverine! Listen! Mojo said it's only entertainment.
He won't let us win! He's controlling everything that happens! I'm going to try (JEAN SCREAMS) -Jean! -MOJO: What a love story! Am I moved by this mush, or what? (WOLVERINE GRUNTING) MOJO: The highest ratings ever for an educational show! Entertainment.
It's just television.
Electronic images created by machines.
-Logan! -Hang on, Jean! Electronic images created by machines, and machines can be affected by psycho-kinetic energy! (STAMMERING) What What is this? (CROWD BOOING) No! Control room! What are you doing up there? Sitting on your hands! MOJO ON SPEAKER: Go to a commercial! Go to reruns! Go to an infomercial! Go to something! I'm losing my audience to a bunch of dead trees! -SPIRAL: What are you doing here? -I'm setting the X-Men free.
So they can get out of my time slot.
Hey, hey, hey! You make them into stars and they just turn on you.
No! How about giving me a lift, Rogue? ROGUE: Any time, sugar.
Hold it! This, if you haven't been paying attention, is my dimension! Get with the program or get crushed! (SCREAMS) (CROWD CHEERING) (GROANS) Can someone please tell me what just happened? DOMO: Everything that Mojo created is gone.
Especially the audience.
Well, nothing lasts forever, especially in television.
Did I tell you I used to go out with an actress with two heads? -Yeah? Was she nice? -LONGSHOT: Yes and no.
Bubula! Come here.
Come here, yeah.
(KISSING) You look great.
Lost weight? Had the face-lift? Whatever.
Listen, it's time we did a fresh start, you know.
Now, we did a little re-think on that re-write for a re-group on a re-draft.
No, I'm talking new show, new time slot, new dimension, bigger hair, less money.
The whole nine yards! (MOJO LAUGHING) Look! A jungle picture! (SCREECHING) XAVIER: That must be your Citadel.
Yes, when I built it I felt I was creating a new world here.
(WOMAN SCREAMING) Magneto, we must help her! (GROANING) No, Charles! The creature attacking the woman is Sauron.
His powers would make him a dangerous foe, even if we still had our own.
There is nothing we can do.