Yonderland (2013) s01e06 Episode Script

1 The Conga The Chosen One is gone, yeah! Do-do-do The Chosen One is gone, yeah! Do-do-do! The Chosen One is gone, yeah! Yeah, I've got a pretty big budget to play with.
Got soft-close doors, underfloor heating, Pit of Eternal Despair, so # The Chosen One is gone, yeah! (ELECTRICAL PULSING) That'll be the boss.
Anyone wanna see what fawning praise looks like? Yeah! Strap in for the ride.
Yo! I know what you're gonna say, but there's no need to thank me.
I'm just doing my job.
Imbecile! Problem? The portal was not closed, you incompetent fool.
Debbie has returned.
Far, far ago, the Ancients wrote upon the scrolls that dark forces would sweep our realm, until only Yonderland remained.
But they told also of 'A saviour, come from a distant world, to save us from the shadows,' it says here.
That's impossible.
My minions saw her.
They were wrong.
You were wrong.
And you know what happens to those who fail me.
She has been summoned to the Chamber of Elders.
Find our her aim there and ensure she does not achieve it.
But the Chamber of Elders is open only to the most trusted few.
To gain access would require a plan of unimaginable guile and cunning.
You'll think of something.
(TROPICAL-STYLE MUSIC) And one deep pan Hawaiian.
Deep pan Hawaiian.
Five garlic breads.
Huh? To share.
Oh.
Oh, yes.
A special introductory offer.
Two for the price ofnone.
That is a good deal.
The Chosen One! ALL: The Chosen One! Argh! Are we still doing that? (GRUNTS) Ooh, love the hands but, then, I love hands.
They're gloves, I was cleaning the house.
Which you promised me at least once a week to do, which I never get, cos there's always urgent news that needs my immediate attention.
Debbie, we have urgent news that needs your immediate attention.
A great gift has been bestowed upon us.
I'm having the pepperoni.
Not that.
Oh.
Debbie, we would like you to meet King Bernard of the elves folk.
They told me of your great wisdom, but not your boundless beauty.
I said she had lovely - No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
What? (SNIFFS) This is intoxicating.
It's Harpic.
His Majesty has come into possession of a most precious map.
I believe it leads to the fabled tomb of Emperor Pang.
Lakes of blood were spilled in the quest to find it.
Careless! The only problem is we've been unable to decipher the map's cryptic code.
Well, let's have a look, then.
We believe the big blue area represents the sky.
No, that.
.
that's the sea.
Oh, yes.
Which is why it meets that green lake.
Land.
Oh! Of course.
How else could it support those giant snakes? Roads.
Oh! Remarkable.
But where's the tomb? Well, the X marks the spot.
ALL: Oh! We thought it stood for X-tra dangerous! Of course you did.
Perhaps Debbie should come with me.
I mean, I'd love to, but I'm cleaning the house, so You make it sound like it's hard.
It's menial, it can't take long.
Excellent.
The Elf will do it.
Right.
Hang on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Great.
All yours.
What's so special about this tomb? Treasure and stuff? We would hardly have summoned you were it simply treasure.
The shogun who surrendered this map to me told me this, that the tomb is being used to hide something.
Something of the greatest importance to you, Debbie.
The Prophecy of the Chosen One's fate.
The key to your very purpose in this realm.
The second scroll.
One pepperoni, two meat feast - extra large - No, no, that's the food order.
So? I don't need to hear that.
Of course.
(Idiot.
) So where should I er? It was a ruse, Neil, to gain access.
Yeah, Neil, we're not actually gonna make the food.
Get someone else to do that.
I'm quite good at curry.
No, no-one's making food.
There is no food.
Brilliant.
You ARE evil.
So where is this tomb, then? Sorry? Please tell me you made a copy of the map.
Erm Unbelievable.
Just when I think you couldn't get any more incompetent.
Don't worry, your darker than blackness, I have a photographic memory.
(GRUNTS) (MURMURS) Oh, yes.
Just like a photograph Mmm.
.
.
of a terrible drawing.
Mm.
(REFINED CLASSICAL MUSIC) We must gather our strength for the journey ahead.
Will you join me for breakfast? Truffles? Meat strips? Peanut butter? ErmI - I don't mind if I do.
Uh-uh-uh, not for you.
You've got work to do.
Do I look like a cleaning troll to you? A bit.
Anyway, I thought you said cleaning was easy.
Fine.
(GRUNTS) Where on earth did you get that linseed oil, you naughty girl? Oh, where are we? (WHOOSHING) Don't forget to pack my fur-trimmed robes.
I want to look my best when I slay the mega-dragon, or whatever it is that guards this scroll.
Of course, sire.
What could be more vital on a perilous journey into the unknown than wardrobe options (?) Exactly.
Do you always eat out here? I try to.
It pleases my people to see their king.
Oh, what! He's on the balcony! Truffle? Eat my pie! Go on! Have that! Yes, the quests are expensive too, but I fancy my heroic reputation earns me the love and respect of my people.
Here you go! One lump or two? Like that, do you? (JEERING) They don't seem terrible keen.
It's just a few troublemakers.
The rest of my people love me, and why wouldn't they, when I'm so impressive? The clothes, the crown, this magnificent castle I had to knock down half of the town to make room for it.
Wow! And they all clubbed together to pay for it.
In a way - I raised taxes.
They must feel proud when they look at it from their humble shacks.
Sire, your carriage is ready, but what with all you're what we'll loosely call necessities, there is room for but one companion.
Then Debbie shall ride with me.
And what should I do, sire? Jog alongside (?) Yes.
That's a good idea.
Excellent.
Precisely the sort of repetitive jolting motion my arthritic hip has been crying out for? Everybody's happy, then.
Huh? Huh? (HUMS) Hm.
(CROCKERY CRASHES) (GRUNTING) I'm telling you, we're going round in circles.
Halt! Cease! (HONKS) Stop the mobility sleigh! Where in Realm are we? Should we have turned right back there? Hm.
We're definitely lost.
But, at the same time, I'm 99% sure I remembered the map wrong.
So I don't ever think we weren't.
Great (!) (ELECTRICAL PULSING) Well? Your Eminence, how beautiful - Do you have her? Very nearly, Your Eminence.
We're tracking her right now.
Good.
Do not fail me.
(SIGHS) Ah! Very good, Geoff.
Are you picking up the trail? No, I just wondered what it tasted like.
Oh! I'm so dead.
(GROANS) (DISTANT GROWLING AND SNARLING) (ROARING) (GURGLES) Is that entirely necessary, Geoff? Sorry, I've got a bit of earth in my throat.
How am I supposed to sleep? Those are just Hugits, My Lord.
Noisy, but harmless.
The only deadly thing in these woods is the Vanthrigores.
They come down from the trees, dig into your belly, and eat you from the inside-out, yeah.
And they're completely silent, so there's no point in worrying about the noise.
Good night.
(BLOWS) (GROANS) (GRUNTING) Your shelter is almost complete, my liege.
The treasure itself was guarded by a family of giant Cyclops.
No, no, no, no problem at all (!) Any other questing knight would've gone for the father, do battle, risk death, ya-da-da-ya-da.
Not me.
I go for the kids.
Get them out the way.
Parents are wracked with grief.
They're sitting ducks.
You know your eyes are very beautiful when you're impressed? I think I might call it a night.
(You shall stay in my shelter, this night.
) No way .
.
c-could I possibly impose upon you, like that.
I've brought a tent.
Nonsense, you must share my bed.
My sheets are made of the softest, finest silk, woven by the tiny hands of orphan children.
I've got a sleeping bag.
Production methods are quite similar.
It's been a long day, hasn't it? I know it sounds cheesy, but I feel as if I can share with you.
It's like you know me.
It's almost like you can see right through me.
I wrote this song on a quest - a lang tyme agoo.
A long time ago.
I didn't know it then, but it's all about you.
(ROMANTIC MUSICAL REFRAIN) Oh, my home it is a palace I am Lord of all I see I have fought in great battles Plundered great treasures And been all that I had hoped I would be Yet I feel something is missing Should've known it from the start I've ignored too long This longing That's deep inside my heart (RHYTHMIC DRUMMING) I'm a king But what's a king without a queen? I may be rich and charming But it's all going to waste What's a royal seed Without a fertile field to germinate? Oh! He's the King I'm the King BOTH: # But what's a king without a queen? I may be strong and handsome But there's so much inside If you play your cards right, baby You can be my lucky bride Oh, finally I've seen Every king He needs .
.
a queen I need a wee.
That's weird.
It usually works.
I think you're a bit off on the harmonies.
Yes, sire, that would be the problem.
Yeah.
(SIGHS) Yeuch! Worth a try.
(DISTANT GROWLING) (CHEWS) I need a wee.
(GRUNTS) (DISTANT HOWLING) Well, I can't go if you're gonna stare at me.
Sorry, mate.
All right.
You win.
Well, there are other trees, you know.
(UNZIPPING) (GROANS) That's the stuff.
Whoa! Hello? BOTH: Who's that? (GASPS) BOTH: You! Demons, wake up! It's her! (GRUNTS) Yeah, I'm telling you there is no T-minor.
It - Guys! It's Negatus, he's here! Quick! Run! (GRUNTS) Come on! Come on! (GRUNTS) Wait for me! This way! Miss Fanshawe? Yes? Rachel Oh! (GIGGLES) I brought you to this well, because its depth expresses perfectly the depth of my feelings for you.
Oh, Mr Havelock! How oft have I made a wish here? Always the same one.
(GRUNTS) What was that wish, Mr Havelock? That you might do me the honour of Coming through! Sorry! (GRUNTS) Whoa! Oh! Mr Havelock, for a moment there, I thought you were going to (SHRIEKS) Mr Havelock! JUST SAY IT! Straight ahead.
That must be it.
Go.
Quick! This way! Oh, new faces.
Mm.
Been a while.
It's a dead end.
It's all right.
I think we've lost them.
Yeah, I'm not 100% convinced about that.
What's she come as? Don't! (NEGATUS CHUCKLES) Oh, yes! So much for the Chosen One.
Imperatrix will be pleased.
She'll have both her fateful scroll and your head.
That's probably what the second scroll foretells, innit? That you lose and we'll win.
We'll win! What scroll? Where's your sword? I left it behind.
But you brought your guitar? I was panicking.
Time's up, Debbie.
Tick-tock.
You know, I'm not usually one for big speeches, but er Hm? Oh! .
.
but I'd just like to say Flipping ow! (ROCK SCRAPES) Quick! Forget that, stop them! I've got it, I've got it, I've got it, I've got it, I've got it.
Ow! Ow! Motherfishcakes! Ow! Oh, now, that is gonna swell up.
Oh, don't.
(SIGHS) Oh, wow! I mean I mean, this is Well, don't just stand there, look for the scrolls! We're rich! We're rich! We're loaded! We're rich! What are you doing? Look for the scroll! It isn't here.
How do you know? We've hardly looked.
It was never here, I lied.
He does that.
What? You mean you nearly got me killed for nothing? For nothing? Look at all this! You can have some.
No, I don't want any, I came for the scroll.
Why did you lie to me? Because if I hadn't have lied, you would never have helped me.
I need this treasure, Debbie.
I'm going to build a statue of myself so magnificent that I will finally win over those last few hecklers.
The armour will be pure silver.
The skin, pure gold.
And my eyes shall sparkle with beautiful sapphire.
(CREAKING) Right.
That's not a good sound.
There's no way out! What are we gonna do? Maybe if we put the jewel back on the plinth Oh, no, not that! (SCREAMS) I'm not ready to die.
Not now, not here.
We need something to brace the walls with.
My pleasure! Oh, will I never feel what it was like to be loved? I thought you said everyone loved you? Of course they don't.
Everybody hates me.
I'm a terrible king.
I'd give anything to die with the love of my people! (GROANS) Oh! So much for the Chosen One! (SCREAMING) Oh, good day.
Hello.
(HUMS) Oh! (HUMS) Ah! Oh! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Not there.
No.
Don't (THUD, CRASHING) Ow.
(GRUNTS) You're surprisingly strong.
I do a lot of tapestry.
Deborah, we should away before they find a way out.
Yeah.
Erm, thank you, both of you, and I hope it works out for you.
Oh, Mr Havelock! Thank goodness you're safe! I'm afraid, Miss Fanshawe Yes? .
.
that I lost the engagement ring.
Oh.
Although I did find a replacement.
(GASPS) A fitting tribute to your (GRUNTS) (SHRIEKS) Oh, yes! There he goes! (BIRDSONG) Ready? Do I have to? You said you'd do anything to learn the love of your people.
I was going to die, Debbie, I wasn't thinking straight.
Look, it's easy.
If you do nice things, people like you.
It's not rocket science.
BOTH: Rocket? Oh, it doesn't matter, just go.
Go on.
I don't believe it.
(CLEARS THROAT) Oh, look here he is, on the balcony again.
This will be good (!) All right, mate? Gather round, peasants.
That's charming, innit (?) (Maybe less of the 'peasants'?) Gather round, commoners, and listen to your mighty king! How was that? Very slightly better.
I know that some of you think that I am a Cretin.
(LAUGHTER) OK.
Many of you think that I am a- Tyrant.
Cretin.
You said that one already, mate.
No I didn't, mate.
But I only ever wanted your - Money.
(LAUGHTER) I was going to say respect.
Yeah, well, good luck with that, mate.
Can everyone shush for a second, OK, and hear what he has to say? Ooh! Shush-shush-shush (!) I've got to know him, over the past few days.
Oh, right? I bet you have.
He's not evil.
He's just a bit of a - Cretin, innit? A twit.
Yes, good word.
Carry on.
They're listening.
Go on.
Quick.
OK.
(CLEARS THROAT) I only wanted to be a great king, you know, and I thought that castles and monuments and statues would make you think that I was.
But I realise now that I cannot buy your love.
Which is why I've decided to give you this treasure.
What? What? (Go.
) (WHIMPERS) Oh, yeah.
Is that it? That's a game-changer, mate (!) Brilliant (!) Yeah! Thank you, sire.
Oh! Oh! Take it! Take it all! (EXCITED CHATTER) I'm gonna leave you to it.
(GIGGLES) Take it all! Yeah, look! Look at that! Cheers, King.
(LAUGHS) Thank you, Debbie.
This feels amazing.
Oh, he's all right, isn't he, eh? We love you, King Bernard! What the heck? (GIGGLES) (CHEERING) ALL: King Bernard! King Bernard! (CHANTING FADES) Hm.
(SIGHS) Only me, Debs.
I'm just changing ties.
I'm dressed like the client.
We've got similar hair and Er (ELECTRONIC BUZZING) (LAUGHTER) That's good quality, that.
Wait, wait! That's my stuff.
No, it isn't.
Tat's my husband.
My brother.
Hey! Excuse me! That's my dress.
Where did you? Hi, I'm really sorry, but that's actually my dress.
I thought you were all about sharing.
I am, but Do you know what? It's fine.
It's fine.
Keep the dress.
Oh, thank you, Chosen One.
Come on, let's go down the lake.
Yes.
Oh.
Easy was it? Well, I had a few teething problems Did you find the scroll? No, not this time.
But we drive a steel spike through Negatus' foot, so Oh, I hope that's as bad as it sounds.
For me? Sire.
Oh! Chamberlain, you never actually thought that I was a twit, did you? On the contrary, sir, I consider you to be the very pinnacle of God's creative endeavours.
Oh, thank you.
Hang on.
You're really sarcastic, aren't you? No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! Oh, sorry, my mistake.
(GIGGLES) I spy with my little eye, something beginning with M.
Ooh.
M? M? Monkey? Uh? Can you see a monkey, Geoff? No.
Well, that's not the answer, then, is it? (ELECTRICAL PULSING) Oh, no.
(GROANS) Well? So It's a funny story, erm