You're The Worst (2014) Episode Scripts

N/A - Pilot

Vernon and I just want to thank you all for coming.
Ever since I was a small girl, I've dreamt of this day.
Me, too.
Sure, in my fantasy, it took place at Fraggle Rock.
I was marrying Johnny Depp.
Me, too.
But in all seriousness, it is so amazing to be surrounded by so many people who care about us.
We really feel so much love from you guys.
And as the Beatles said, "All you need is love.
" And a Vera Wang dress.
Vernon and I are looking forward to seeing you at our 50th wedding anniversary.
Promised myself I wasn't gonna do this.
Uh, Jimmy, are you having a-a good time? Absolutely.
Just so glad you invited me.
Really? Of course.
Sometimes, well, you just want to witness the beginning of a disaster, so later, when the house is engulfed in flames, you can say, "Yup, I was there when they installed the faulty wiring.
" - Unbelievable.
- Just admit it.
You only invited me here so you could passive-aggressively rub my nose in your happiness.
At least I would have had the decency to rub your nose in it directly.
Oh, yes, your commitment to honesty is so refreshing.
It must be so hard being the only one who sees people for what they actually are.
It is.
It's incredibly hard.
Well, it's also gonna be what keeps you alone, because you are ugly and unpleasant and honestly, Jimmy, you're not the original you think you are.
I'm not original? Wow! That is hilarious, coming from such a No, you're right.
This day isn't about me, is it? What were you gonna say? - Forget it.
- No, I'm serious.
I really want to know what does the brilliant Jimmy Shive-Overly think about me? You talk to her again, and me and my boys will mess you up.
Who talks like that? I'm serious, Jimmy.
Fine, not a problem.
Enjoy your sham of a marriage! I will! You got another one of those? Pretty expensive.
Good job in there.
Getting married doesn't remove you from the burden of having to act like a human being.
Those two are doomed.
Right? Has any couple ever had a more dishonest start to a marriage? I mean, the balls to have a traditional Catholic ceremony.
When she's already had two abortions.
And can only orgasm through anal.
and Mrs.
Let's go inside.
Old Cottumaccios.
- You're pretty.
- Thanks? How do you know her? I'm friends with the sister.
- Friends with Fat Lindsay? - Yeah, me and Fat Lindsay are hella close.
So, uh, what you heard about me? Nothing, just that you're the worst.
Says the girl who just stole a blender from a wedding.
Really? Oh, man! I thought it was a food processor.
Who's the worst now? Yeah, well I don't know what I'm doing here.
I'm not even attracted to you.
What does that have to do with anything? Yeah.
Don't look ahead There's stormy weather What? It's L.
Who doesn't drive? DUI.
I occasionally see this movie director guy.
One time, he booty-texted me from some awards show.
I was already at the bar, so I drove over to his house, and then he texted me he was going to be late, so I idly drove around his neighborhood until I kind of sideswiped an off-duty cop.
Do you know, I'm glad this is a one-night thing, so we can reveal all this awful shit about ourselves.
High five.
I'll get that.
Okay, I like that.
All girls do.
Don't call me "all girls.
" Damn it.
That's good, too.
Don't look ahead There's stormy weather You know, right before Becca broke up with me, I started reading her e-mail.
Oh, I've done that.
So even though I had warning, when she broke up with me, it kind of just kind of knocked me out.
Even though she's clearly a ridiculous human being, you know? Yeah.
Break-ups hurt.
I've heard.
I don't really do relationships.
Me, neither.
So, what, are you one of those creepy foot guys? No.
I have nervous hands, and they have to stay busy.
Yeah, that's good.
Oh, don't stop, you son of a bitch.
Oh, yeah You just spit on it? Yeah.
You just spit on my vagina.
So? Don't! Why? Why don't spit on my vagina? It's saliva.
It's gonna get there anyway.
And that's how I got crabs from my guidance counselor.
Uh, I should get some sleep, so Right.
Good night.
What? Oh, relax.
I'm just lazy.
I'll sneak out in the morning.
No, there are no sleepovers.
Oh, too bad.
I have sleep apnea.
I have to wear a CPAP machine.
Don't care.
I'm a log.
You look like Top Gun.
Shut up.
I'm so glad I'm not gonna remember any of this in the morning.
"Never leave your wingman.
" So stupid.
Good morning.
So, I've been thinking about ghosts.
Oh, the things that don't exist because there is no soul? Mm What a great use of your time.
You know my great-grandfather Baldemar on my father's side, right? What? No.
How could I - possibly know your great? - Oh, he was this crazy adventurer guy who owned a ranch in Zihuatanejo, and he sold arms and was a What was his name? - Voldemort? Never mind.
- The coolest guy.
Because I was thinking, he sounds like he had it all worked out, and maybe if I could learn his secrets, then I could fix my problems.
How would meeting your dead relative help you move out of my house? No, I'm talking about my real problems.
Like, the nightmares and the crying, and how I want to do heroin all the time.
So, anyway, what do you think? What do I think about what? If I should hold a seance to contact great-grandfather Baldemar.
I think I'm gonna do it.
Why did you let me sleep so late? I'm famished.
Nice place.
I'm Edgar.
This is dynamite.
Oh, thanks.
So, how do you guys know each other? Uh, we met in college.
No, we didn't.
Well, he was in college, and I sold weed to college kids.
Then he started giving me books to read, 'cause he saw untapped potential in me.
I gave you books that I stole from Borders because I didn't have money for weed.
Have you read his book yet? No.
Sales were flatter than expected, plus he blew all his money on this house.
That's why he has to do more magazine work, but you should read it.
It's real good.
At least buy your own copy.
So, which one of you is giving me a ride to work? I can't drive because I have PTSD and mild to medium battlefield-induced psychosis.
Jimmy, you're up.
My car's at the reception.
We took a cab.
We did? Damn.
I can't believe it.
Drive faster.
I'm late.
You slept with Jimmy.
Who used to date my sister.
Yeah, I know.
And on the night of her wedding? Why are you crawling up my ass about this, Lindsay? You know what a jerk he is.
I told you all the time how he swallowed her up.
She disappeared her life into his and was never the Same.
Oh, that's 'cause Becca doesn't have a personality to begin with.
Well, that's true.
Ugh! Oh, Jimmy's the worst.
Did he say anything about me? Nope.
You're not gonna see him again, are you? No way.
We did have fun, though.
Oh, God, I hope he doesn't think it was, like, an actual thing.
No kidding.
Um, get Can you be careful where you're putting your makeup, and can you take your feet off the dashboard? This is a lease.
Stop the car.
What? Stop the car! I'd rather walk than drive in this sterile, suburban, piece of shit car with my best friend being shitty and judgmental to me 'cause I had sex with a guy at a wedding.
How many guys did you blow at our five-year reunion? Four.
Four? You told me three.
I might have left out Tor Borgfeldt.
Ew! I'm seriously nauseated right now.
Oh, God.
We used to have so much fun.
Yeah, we did.
Why'd you have to get married? I know.
I'm sorry.
Do you like my new haircut? No, you look like Ellen Barkin.
If you get your real estate license, I will stab you in the tits.
Absolutely brilliant.
What? I just moved in over there.
Of course you did.
Why do you say that? Because the death of any interesting neighborhood is the influx of white procreators.
Oh, that's cool.
My nutritionist is gay, too.
I'm not gay.
I'm English.
What's that? A royalty check for my book for $17.
Do you know, if there was any doubt that the book industry was dead, it is here in my hand.
, literature.
You want to hang out sometime? What? What are you even talking about? I'm an adult.
Do you know what that means? It means that I am beset upon at all times by a tsunami of complex thoughts and struggles, unceasingly aware of my own mortality and able to contemplate the futility of everything and yet still rage against the dying of the light.
So do you see how monumentally stupid you, a child, asking me "do I want to hang out sometime" is? My dad designs video games.
We get all the new ones early.
Come over around 8:00.
What the crap?! You know I get nervous at these shits.
You are paying a guy to take your photograph, and you trash his studio? You weren't here! Unprofessional as shit! A publicist who can't show up at publicity events? Don't even know what I'm paying you for, Gretchen! The label pays me.
You know it all gets charged against my end, bitch! Label is villains.
From now on, I'm just gonna drop free mix tapes and Vines of my guinea pigs! You need to apologize to Nestor so he doesn't sue you.
Let him.
I'll lawyer the hell up! Nestor is a great photographer.
We need him.
Anyone's a good photographer now.
Shitstain take amazing Instagrams.
No filter.
Yeah! @Shitstain! Anyway, bitch, this is your fault.
You need to apologize to him for being such a no-showing-up bitch! We're sorry we broke your shit.
Okay, good.
Nestor, we'll talk about restitution? Hey.
You okay? Yeah.
Hell were you doing anyway? Nothing worth talking about.
You still need to make it up to us.
I'll fire your ass, and it won't mean shit to me.
Yes, it will.
I'm serious.
You owe me, Gretch.
Okay, Sam.
What do you need? You need to kiss my quarter-Chickasaw ass! Then you need to get me some cocaine.
I'm too famous to get it myself.
I'm not playing.
You on probation now.
Yo! Ooh! Wait now.
Hold on! High five.
Put her there.
She's hot.
I got your car towed back here.
And look who I found getting out of a cab.
Don't worry.
I forgot my purse.
Not on purpose or anything.
I'm gonna leave you two alone.
He's sweet.
It's nice that you let him live here.
You know your purse had food in it.
It was covered in ants.
Who keeps food in their purse? Whoa.
What's your problem? Well, I've had a really shitty day.
And then I come home to find that my bedroom is a goddamn '50s sci-fi movie.
And why would you stay over, huh? That's amateur hour.
Here I was worried you were gonna get the wrong idea about last night.
So thank you for saving me the speech.
You were gonna make a speech? Okay, forget it.
Yeah, no kidding.
Save your breath.
I don't know what planet that you're from, but on my planet, someone like you does not just get this! Congratulations, you bagged a weakened gazelle.
That's right.
I'm still stupid-hooked on someone else who is eons further than you in the evolutionary scale in all categories except maybe unearned ego and back fat.
What? You so value honesty, you had to chew a bride out on her wedding day in the name of it? Well, why don't you face this giant hunk of truth, Jimmy? There is a fat asterisk next to my name on your skank-ridden little bone list and it reads, "She probably would've gone home with anyone that night!" So thank you! Thank you for my wake-up call, Jimmy Stupid-Three-Names.
You are officially my bottom.
Hey, you.
What a surprise.
I was just in the neighborhood.
Uh, I have an early call time.
But Yeah, come in.
Last time you said you were coming over, you never showed.
I thought you'd grown sick of me.
Nah, you're all right.
You're so beautiful, Gretchen.
You busy, Jimmy? Yep.
Well, could you, like, pause it for a second? No.
What's wrong with you? Give me the controller.
I've watched you for two years now get girls to come home with you, and they're always gone in the morning.
Sorry, I can help it if she refused to leave? Give me my controller.
I'm sorry I have to do this.
Now, I don't mind you being jerky with me because I know you care.
What the No, I don't.
Yes, you do.
You're just an animal living in my house.
But Gretchen stayed, okay? You say she forced you, but we both know there's not a person on this planet that's ever had a good outcome trying to force you to do anything.
She stayed, man.
And that means something, whether you want to admit it or not.
I'm gonna let you go now.
Why would I even listen to you, eh? You're a mental case.
You're on, like, a billion medications that all say "Take for batshit craziness.
" I was defending our country.
Oh, please.
You weren't defending anything except for the business interests of evil men.
Jimmy, our country is the business interests of evil men.
That may be the most intelligent thing you've ever said.
You're still a goddamn lunatic.
Hey, wait.
Come on, man.
Where are you doing? To a bar, where I can drink in peace.
Come on, Killian.
All right, call the police.
On me? Someone's stolen my car.
No, Gretchen took it, remember? Gretchen took my Sorry, Gretchen took my car? Yeah.
I saw her driving it away earlier.
I figured you loaned it to her.
Come to think of it, I did think that was kind of weird.
She doesn't have a license! Huh.
She must've stolen your keys from the counter.
You got to admit, that's kind of a baller move.
You guys are fun.
Um, hey.
Yes, Gretchen? Can we just take a little break? Sure.
So what's the worst thing you've ever done? Gretchen, you know ever since India I don't dwell on negativity.
I set my high school on fire to get out of a math test.
What? Why are you telling me that? That's horrible.
Never mind.
Oh, you're a marvel.
Ooh, that's terrific.
Did you just spit on me? No.
Oh, Gretch.
That's delicious.
Do you still have cocaine? Hello? What are you doing? Nothing.
Just reading.
Hey, you won't believe this.
Someone stole my car.
God, that's awful.
Yeah, I have to file a police report in the morning.
I may have borrowed it.
I know.
Well, sorry.
I told you I'm the worst.
Actually, no, you said that I was the worst and that I was lucky to get you.
About that No, don't apologize.
It was a great speech.
It was funny and true and mean.
My favorite kind.
I set my school on fire to get out of a math test.
That's genius.
Oh, and I lied to you before.
I do have a foot thing.
Seriously? Yeah.
In fact, I was just trying to find the right clip online to, you know s-so that I could fall asleep.
But nothing's quite right.
Do you want me to try? What? Shh.
Let me think.
Come on, this is stupid.
Shut up.
I have been walking around all day in these new shoes, and they are just so hot and tight.
Oh, yeah? And my socks are so sweaty.
That happens.
I think I might just have to take them off.
You do that.
Hey, you're, uh very nice for doing this.
I am very nice.
Jimmy I'm scared of this shit, you know? I don't like it.
I don't believe in it anymore, so So if we both know that it can't work, then there's no harm.
Right? Right.
What kind of socks? Mmm knee-high basketball socks.
Orange and green stripes.
You're amazing.
You're 19 types of trouble but amazing.
Yeah, so are you.
Well, it's late.
Did you finish? I think the moment's gone, isn't it? All right.
Have a good night.
Call me.
I will.