You're The Worst (2014) Episode Scripts

N/A - What Normal People Do

Jimmy! What's happening?! What's happening?! What are you wearing? - It's your war costume.
- It's not a costume! - And why are you wearing it? - They have a killer - veterans' discount at the diner.
- Seriously? How much? Why'd you let me sleep? Okay, there is an alarm on every phone.
So, literally everybody can be self-reliant on this.
- You went to breakfast? - Yes.
- You went to breakfast with Killian? - No, I didn't go to breakfast with Killian.
I went to breakfast with my book.
Killian just happened to be sitting across from me, prattling on about the fourth - grade.
- Seventh grade.
Listen, Jimmy, I'm only gonna say this once.
You and me, we could end tomorrow, who knows, but in the meantime, if there is even a remote possibility of breakfast and you don't wake me up, I will never touch your dick again with any part of my body.
- At least you brought me leftovers.
- Actually, those - were for Yeah, enjoy those.
- He wore my uniform for - a discount.
- What about the kid? You know how busy that place gets on weekends? A soldier reunited with his fat little son? - Hella smart.
- That reminds me.
Yours came to $18.
We'll just call it $20.
I don't have any money.
Go and steal it from your mom's purse like a normal boy.
The last time I wore that uniform during active duty, we were doing house checks.
- A kid, 16, maybe 17, heard us - This is a really hard level.
I'm sorry.
I'll stop talking about my actual war experiences so you - can play your war video game.
- Thank you.
- Jimmy.
- Come on, his stories - are super-depressing.
- I'll listen to your stories.
One day I found four stray dogs fighting over a dead baby Eject! Sorry, bud.
That's okay.
Actually, I'm speaking at the dedication of a new veterans' memorial today if you guys want - to come? - Oh, my God! The worst drive over here! What? I had my jaw wired shut, so I don't put anything bad in my mouth.
But putting bad stuff in your mouth is kind of your thing.
I know! Thanks for driving me to work.
- Bye, Jimmy.
- Bye.
Could you take off my uniform now? Damn it! War is hell.
The craftsman movement was a protest against the dehumanizing aspects of the Industrial Revolution.
Irony is building these shits was so expensive, couldn't no laborers even dream of living in one.
Do you just want to send me the Wikipedia link? What am I doing here?! I need media coverage on this bitch, bitch.
What are you thinking? Specifically, I want to get the house featured in Curbed, Apartment Therapy, or Black Dwell.
- What's Black Dwell? - It's like Dwell, but for black people.
No you're right.
Go for regular Dwell.
I believe in you.
On-on purpose? You ain't break - your jaw or nothing? - Nope.
Isn't your husband mad that you can't open your mouth? Paul only likes hand jobs.
- But you have a huge mouth! - Seriously.
- You're like a crocodile.
- When I played field hockey, they had to melt two mouth guards together.
This fool Paul know that if you lose weight, - that ass gonna shrink, too? - Paul isn't an ass man.
Look, why would this prick buy the car if he ain't even appreciate the features? My piano teacher growing up had a craftsman.
I used to sit on that bench and pray, "God, please, let me have a house like this some day.
Also, let me figure out this piece of shit 'Maple Leaf Rag.
'" It's one of the hardest rags.
This house really means something to me, Gretch.
Yeah, buddy.
It means you've worked hard and - you made it.
- No, it means I'm gonna get so laid.
House like this, bitches be delivering the pussy.
- "Delivering the pussy"? - Yeah.
I send out a quick group text.
"Hey, girl?" or "What's crackin?" or "You want to come see my new architecturally significant house?" Then ding-dong, there it is.
- Okay.
- Piping fresh at your - door in 30 minutes or less! - All right.
I get it, though.
You know, dating is scary for women.
Like, what if for once they said, "No, you come to my house for it this time," and I didn't come? - Would you come? - Hell, no! Look at my house.
These girls are afraid that if they opened up a pussy dine-in only joint, no one would come.
Their tables be empty, have to offer Groupons and shit.
So they keep delivering it.
All right, and I'm out.
Great house, dum-dum.
I'm gonna go back to the office - and make some calls.
- You do that, bitch.
Hey, and tell Black Dwell my subscription shows up crazy late every month! Get a free month or some shit! Some people think Los Angeles is out of touch.
Too obsessed with the entertainment industry to care about national issues.
But with this memorial to our nation's heroes, carved by our very own Rumer Willis, we will demonstrate just how wrong they are.
And now, one of Los Angeles' own brave servicemen, Edgar Quintero.
Thank you, Councilman Jim Burton.
The process of readjusting for a soldier is a difficult one.
In war, you exist on a higher plane of awareness.
But not in a fun, hippie way.
You're aware of a window opening a block away, a pair of socks being hung on a laundry line right behind you.
You're strung tight as a violin.
And when you come home, that's when shit gets real.
Thank for your service, soldier.
And now, L.
's very own Zig Zags! These pricks.
They just trot us out there so they can feel better about themselves for a second before they go back to seeing us as disposable meat.
Edgar Quintero.
- 6th Battalion, 8th Infantry.
- Tommy Boden.
I don't identify by my troop anymore.
It's just Tommy now.
- Let me help you.
- I can do it! - Sorry.
- It's okay.
I guess I got to get used to life without a wing now.
Yeah, man.
That's rough.
Hey, listen, some of my troop mates are going to get a bite.
If you want, you should come; we'd love to hear your stories.
Come on! That is 301 exactly, so you have to go down on me for five hours and one minute.
In a row? I'll die.
All right, three sessions, - hour and a halfish each.
- That's doable.
- God, day drinking's the best.
- Day drinking is the best.
Aren't we lucky we're both in professions where we can day drink? Are you in a profession where you can day drink? They all are if you want it bad enough.
What do you say we get one of those sessions out of - the way right now? - That sounds good.
If we leave now, we can probably be at my place in 30 minutes - or less.
- Actually, let's go to my place.
You-you Sorry, your place, - do you have a place? - Do you think I just materialize out of the ether whenever you want me? - No - That I exist in some suspended state of crypto-animation only made - material when your balls tingle? - No.
Not literally.
I'm used to seeing you at my house.
- You are in rare form lately.
- What? Edgar and his army perks.
Killian, whose name who you constantly forget.
Me who didn't even merit breakfast.
Are you aware that you only want people in your life on your terms? - Yes.
- Well, stop.
You're self-awareness on this means nothing, if you don't - change it.
- Okay, fine.
- How do I start? - Well, first step, Jimmy I need you to come eat me out in my apartment.
I'll do it.
See?! I am a wanted woman.
- What do you say, buddy? - Well, I-I-I wouldn't - want to cock block this fella.
- Yay! But all right.
Let's go.
Sit down, man.
I didn't have a chance to tidy up.
Cute? - I'm not much of a cleaner.
- You're not much of a - human.
- Calm down.
I'll be right back.
She never returned you? Do you miss books? You want to watch a little TV first? Okay.
Where's the TV? I watch on my computer.
What do you mean, you watch on your computer? You're so old.
Well, you're a festive masturbator.
Couldn't find an extension cord.
- What is that? - It's my neighbor Ladan, She has the worst taste in music.
Turn it down, whore! Shit.
I think I may have downloaded porn viruses again.
Well, you ready to slice off a piece of this? - Not really.
- Too bad.
Boys, this is Edgar.
Edgar, this is Bone Bag and - Martinez.
- Bone Bag.
- Nice to meet you.
- Martinez.
Hey, man.
How are you? - Good.
- Have a seat.
- Thank you.
- And so, talk to us, tell us what it feels like being home.
Well, you know, it's a hard adjustment, but I got some good friends who support me.
It's all you got, right? - Your brothers.
- No, I mean civie friends.
I don't really hang with anyone - from over there.
- They remind you too much of all the shit that went down? Nah, mostly, they're just kind of dicks.
So where'd you guys train? I was at Pendleton.
- Yeah, yeah, same here.
- Bitch, you went to Juilliard.
- I've never heard of that base.
- Here you go, guys.
- Yes.
- My Pilates instructor is gonna be so pissed at me.
Yeah, at least I go back to boot camp tomorrow.
Why would you go back to boot camp? Dude, there's a great one on Melrose.
So, Edgar, why don't you tell us that story you were - telling at the dedication? - Okay well, you know how when you get back and it's hard to stop seeing danger everywhere? It's like, I used to have these - dreams about war - Hold on, hold on.
Lots of violent stuff.
Wait, wait, wait.
But now they're the same.
Only the dream is set here at home.
- Does that ever happen to you guys? - No, I take an Ambien.
Excuse me, we are giant fans.
Could we get your autograph? - Not now.
- Not even here? Absolutely.
- Who are you guys? - You didn't tell him? I was just in character.
I was assuming that he knew and - he was just running with it.
- I'm so sorry, man.
- We're prepping for a movie.
- It's this gritty indie flick, we play soldiers trying to adjust to - life back home.
- Seriously, you've never seen NCIS LA? I was nominated for an ALMA last year.
I'm a quarter Peruvian, I know I - don't look it, but - All right, I'm gonna go.
I am really sorry.
We just want to make this as real as possible.
For you.
Okay, I'm in.
All right, I get it.
- Yeah, I get it.
- It's great! Now, if you could just sign this life-rights release thingy it-it, but, it-it, it's typical lawyer bullshit, it's just to protect you from suing us.
- So, you gonna stick around for a bit or? - Yeah, of course.
Good then.
So we could try to watch TV again.
Except it's not a TV, is it? It's a computer.
I watch television programs on it, - so for my purposes, it is a TV.
- Although TVs don't usually get viruses from downloading too many gang bang videos.
Consensual group sex is very different than a gang bang.
- Is it? - All right, I get it.
My place isn't as nice as yours.
Your place isn't as nice as a crack hovel.
Maybe it isn't perfectly OCD tidy, or decorated with stupid posters of dumb art, or pillows with goddamn whales, or old-timey maps, but it's still my home.
My phone is covered in goo! Join the club, phone! - If you want to go, just go.
- Not unless you want me to go.
You know what? I can feel you wanting me to leave like a scorching flame emanating from the other side of the bed, so I'm going to leave.
Don't invent that I want you to leave just as a smoke-screen for you wanting to leave.
- Then I'll stay! - No! I don't want to be the person who makes you stay somewhere you - don't want to be.
- If that's what you want.
- Fine, just walk away.
- No, you are kicking me out! Whatever you have to tell yourself.
- So, I should go or? - If that's what you want to do.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
- They're not home.
- Shoot! I need to talk to Gretchen.
Can I ask you a question? - What do you think of my ass? I - I don't know.
Well, let me see it.
It looks fine to me.
I mean, it's just something you sit on.
It's not like the size of your ass defines you.
You've never been west of Doheny.
What are you doing out here? - Waiting for someone.
- Who? My dealer.
I called him, and then I was waiting and when I thought it was him pulling up, I suddenly thought maybe I didn't want heroin after all.
- Do you want heroin? - No.
- But mostly yes right now.
- Do you want to come - with me instead? - Yeah.
What you need, fool? - Thanks.
- You bet.
Sign that, please.
And don't forget to enjoy that pizza.
I am so excited for you.
- And have a beautiful evening.
- Wait a second.
Why the hell are you so happy? - With what? Like, my job? - Well, yeah.
- No offense.
- No, none taken.
It's like a really sweet gig for me.
I just drive around, listening to TED Talks or my jams or whatever, and if I want to get high, let's roll.
If I don't want to deliver a pizza, I don't.
I just pull over and eat that shit, and I tell 'em I got robbed again.
Put that up against your 401K, you know? So, you don't want to have your own pizza restaurant? My God, that would be awesome.
You want to do that? - Let's do it.
- No.
No, no, no.
- Give me your number.
- I was just Never mind.
Yeah, it's probably a lot of work.
For now, just delivering happiness really works for my lifestyle, so namaste.
Hold still.
One more.
- Yeah.
- All right, so my point is, I just don't want to be some symbol of patriotism.
No kidding.
It's depressing.
Whenever they bring one of those army guys out to sing the National Anthem, I'm like, "No.
- Where's Beyoncé?" - So, how do I get - people to treat me normal? - Stop talking about it all the time! If you have a bad thought, just push it down.
Or eat it, like I do.
I mean, I don't see - you as just some vet.
- Well, how do you see me? As a freeloading, kind of dumb Mexican guy that hangs out at Jimmy's.
- How do you see me? - As Gretchen's pretty friend who should learn to be happy with who she is.
Here you go.
So, I didn't get a chance to tell you when you were here earlier today, but we have a military discount.
Aw, thanks, but I'm good.
Yes, of course I'll have that discount, thank you.
- Are you okay? - Yes.
The pain makes - it even better.
- Did you? Hold on.
It's the best.
Right? Aw.
- Hey.
Where are you going? - To come see you.
- I wanted to say, I'm sorry.
- For dissing my apartment? No.
That place is a shithole, but you're right.
I can be a bit set in my ways, and I should have invited you to breakfast.
- Yes.
- And I shouldn't have - left your apartment.
- Actually, I'm - glad you left.
- You are? Turns out I'm like you.
I want things on my own terms, too.
When I deliver the pussy, I can leave whenever I want.
Deliver the pussy? It sounds better when a black guy says it.
I am probably broken, Jimmy.
I don't know.
My point is, I am done comparing this to what normal people do.
Why would we even want to do - what normal people do? - Yeah.
Normal people are terrible.
So am I coming in, or are we? Yeah, come on.
It's nice that the city unveiled this statue but it isn't enough because we hurt inside.
Every day we ache for our fallen brothers.
We ache, yet nobody pays attention! Well you're going to pay attention now.
Hey, that's the guy from NCIS LA! No.