You're The Worst (2014) Episode Scripts

N/A - Side Bitch

Excuse me! Excuse me! Oh, sorry, Jimmy.
Got to protein-load.
Today in improv class, we're finally doing Harolds.
Anyway, I really like my instructor.
And after what happened with Lindsay, I think I'm finally ready to let love into my life again.
You've never had love in your life.
That's why I need to come up with an excuse to see Dorothy after class.
So, I was thinking, after Stretch and Share, I neg her and tell her she looks winded and that she should sign up for my gym, and that Edgar, as always, you're overthinking it.
For once in your life, just keep it simple.
- You mean just ask her out? - No.
Get her hammered and finger-bang her in your car.
Maybe I should be more direct.
I mean, with Lindsay, I got friend-zoned for life.
One time, she texted me, "Yo, girl, want to get brunch?" Have you noticed something's up with Gretchen? You mean how she's been sneaking out in the middle of the night? You knew? Morning.
How-how'd you sleep? Fine.
Okay, good.
Why? Nothing.
You just look a little tired.
Your dick's a weird color.
Catch up again tomorrow? I got to go shower.
Sam released Shitstain's chinchilla into Griffith Park.
This feud's out of control.
Why don't you just ask Gretchen where she's been going at night? Poor, ignorant Edgar.
You don't just drop your accusation on a perp without gathering proper forensic evidence first, or they're likely to blow.
I'm gonna leave you anyway I'm gonna leave you anyway Gonna leave you anyway.
Get hot! My toast is still bread, Paul! What's happening?! Have you been paying the utilities? You need to come help me.
Why haven't you cashed any of the checks I sent? Cash a check?! Who am I, Lee Iacocca? Well I guess I could cover your bills this month.
Lindsay, I'm sorry to hear about your power, but it isn't my problem anymore.
Hello? Paul? In a long-term relationship, hurt feelings are inevitable.
The trick is being able to communicate that hurt appropriately and constructively.
Are you guys sure you want me here? Yeah, bitch! - This whole feud was your idea.
- This feud was not my idea.
The fake feud was my idea, and only for crass, commercial reasons.
Okay, just to be clear, you started a real feud which then became a fake feud, which has now become a real feud again because the resultant "dis tracks" have become hurtful? On this last one, Sam called me the black John Turturro.
He called me "skinny fat.
" Y'all told Fire 103 I let a dude suck my dick! - You did let a dude suck your dick.
- Guys.
Remember, we're just pretending to be mad.
You guys still need to be working on new music for when we stage the big reunion! Bitch, I'm going solo.
I could take a dookie that would chart higher than anything I ever did with Crustache over here and Mr.
- I told you that in confidence.
- Whatever.
Forget you tricks! I'm done.
May I use the remaining time to talk about my parents' divorce? Dad, I told you that we'd have a great time at the museum.
Yeah, but where were all these boobs at?! And blackout! Great class, you guys! Really good today.
Good class.
Good class.
Good work.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Um, so listen.
I think you're funny and cute, and I'd like to take you out on a date with me for-for a date.
Is this a bit? I don't think so, but I'm still not 100% sure what a bit is.
Wait, are you asking me on a date? No.
Uh, you want to get drunk and hang out in my car? No.
Please don't take it back.
Uh you know guys don't do that, right? At least not comedy guys.
I mean, I might get a text that's like, "You up?" That's how comedy dudes ask you out.
They joke.
Like, "Wouldn't it be so funny if you came over and were sucking my dick?" And then, next thing you know, you've joked yourself into sucking their dick.
Uh, so, is-is that a no? No! You just broke my brain a little bit.
Uh, you want to go somewhere right now? Thanks again for picking me up.
How is a person supposed to know they have to put oil in their car? There's a little oil can light on your dashboard.
Paul took care of all that garbage.
And now I don't have power, I don't have hot water, I don't have TV! I'm like a frontiers woman.
I'm like Reese Witherspoon in that commercial for backpacks.
Lindsay, I asked you to lunch for a reason.
Gretchen keeps sneaking out in the middle of the night.
Do you know where she's going? Probably got a side bitch.
- I don't think she has a a side bitch.
- Oh, Jimmy.
Let me tell you how relationships work.
You cheat, and then she cheats, and then, one day you wake up, and he's gone, none of your stuff works, and you're having crabby puffs with some British guy.
- I'll give you a ride.
- You know what? No.
I'm gonna figure out how to get home on my own.
That's the kitchen.
_ _ Ding, ding.
_ _ - Ding, ding.
- _ _ _ No.
Oh, I've created a monster! Sam just tweeted an old photo of Shitstain in his scoliosis brace.
Why are you dressed like that? I was thinking you and I could go out for a proper drink.
Actually, I heard about this cool new bar that's opening tonight in Hollywood.
Cool, new bar in Hollywood? You like old, gross bars in sketchtown.
Edgar might bring a girl home tonight, so it's probably in our best interest to evacuate the premises.
I mean, can you imagine the nightmarish cacophony of rage sounds that will emanate from that room when he finally enters a live human woman after years Eject! New bar it is.
It must be so cool to be on such a long-running team.
Hey, Put That Down, Brian! is an institution.
Honestly, it's hard being the only girl.
The guys are always showing me their dicks.
Or worse than that, their balls.
"Hanging brain," they call it.
All the guys do that? For my birthday, they gave me a mug.
It looked like it had a bunch of inkblots on it.
Turns out, they had gone to Color Me Mine, dipped their balls in paint and tea-bagged the mug a bunch of times.
That's sexual harassment! And I should know, we were trained in that.
There's no such thing as sexual harassment in comedy.
You're just a "no fun tight-ass," and then pretty soon, you get the tired, "girls aren't funny" bullshit, all stemming from the fact that you didn't want to bone down with some insecure five-six neckbeard who once had a meeting with Bob Odenkirk so he thinks he's no longer a repulsive troll.
Look, I'm no expert, but maybe you should be more direct about your feelings with these guys.
I mean, I was nervous to tell you how I felt, but I'm really glad that I did.
Yeah? Me, too.
So, what can I get you? Hmm.
What's the Alpirsbach? That one originates from Germany, but we've separated the hydrogen molecules and infused them with lavender.
Yeah, okay.
But what's in it? Is it gin? This is a water bar.
A what now? Aechtoeau serves the finest artisanal water from around the globe.
Jimmy, what's happening? Yeah, I read a listicle about the benefits of hydration.
I am going to the bathroom, and when I get back, you are going to take me to a real bar and feed me cheap whiskey until I forget about that time that I stopped being able to have sex with my boyfriend ever again because he took me to a bar that only served water.
_ Well, well, well.
Ty Wyland.
Nice to see you.
Oh, so that's how you're gonna play it, is it? Like the two of you haven't been sneaking around in the wee hours like a goddamn Pinter play? - Who's Pinter? - Ding, ding.
_ As I was saying, the-the, um - the - Gretchen, hi.
You look ravishing.
Why are you? Oh, this is my place.
Got to say, not surprised.
You two catch up.
I'll be back.
Ty, you opened a bar.
- Kinda.
- Yeah.
Well, not alone.
Adam Levine, Swaggy P, and I were in Vegas talking about Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
Interesting thing, actually, with that Sorry I couldn't be there, babe.
I know it's perineum massage night, so I made you this instructional vid.
This'll help what's-his-butt slide right on out.
So, first, it's time to lube those thumbs.
Next, you're gonna take those thumbs and insert them about three centimeters.
And I know you can handle it because your thumbs are not as big as my dick.
But, really, they're not.
Now it's time to start the gentle massaging, round and down.
Ready? Round and down.
Round Uh, what the hell happened to you? - My power got turned off.
- Well I don't know how to do anything.
Well, now, don't beat yourself up.
It's probably Mom's fault.
She did always take so many more photos of me.
Do you need a place to crash, huh, until your power gets turned back on? Yeah? - Yeah.
- Come on.
The guest room's a nursery now, but you Okay.
You can sleep in Vernon's man cave.
He's at the hospital and I'm going to prenatal yoga, so, eh, the house should be fairly quiet.
But I'm sure you're used to the deafening silence of an empty house by now.
- Mmm.
- You and I need to talk.
No shit.
Your girl's been sending me banana-ass texts all day.
Actually, I sent those messages.
Look, just tell me, are you her side bitch? What? Hell no! Bitch eats floor candy.
Ain't seen a foreign film in a decade.
Do you know why she has a burner? Oh, the God phone? I gave her that because sleepy bitches don't deserve regular phones.
She didn't tell you about my clever speech? Now, I'm gonna go hit up that girl with the booty jorts over there.
- Oh, yeah.
- Mmm.
She looks hydrated as hell! Yeah.
and, honestly, I was thinking about postponing the whole trip.
The Nepalese government just put all these restrictions on Everest because of the whole human waste pollution.
Talk about a pile of shit, right? Well, that's the problem, Gretchen.
No one does.
Hey, isn't that Christoph Waltz? Excuse me.
Christoph! _ This isn't about forgetting a prop.
You guys never bring props.
Uh, I made that big-ass strawberry last month.
I feel I feel like this group doesn't respect me.
What? You guys are always showing me your balls.
- We're just joking around.
- Yeah.
It's sexual harassment.
- I'm a feminist.
- I was raised - by two strong lesbians.
- You know I only use - my balls ironically.
- Okay, and besides, okay, you didn't seem to mind my balls when you were sucking on 'em - for all these years.
- Oh.
Boom! Hey, you want to know why nobody wants you to direct their shows? Because you're a jerk and your mise en scène sucks.
Oh, so you want to get honest right now, huh? Well, honestly, I am clearly the most talented person in this group, and, as such, I am sick and tired of you guys refusing to let me do "Baby Undertaker"! "Baby Undertaker" isn't funny! You isn't funny! You know, I think it's finally time to admit that Hey, Put That Down, Brian! is going nowhere, just like all of you guys, okay? So, suck it, double suck it, you don't get to suck it anymore.
Tall Nathan out.
For good.
Tall Nathan! I'm out, too.
Are you okay? I can't believe Tall Nathan talked to you like that.
Things have been getting weird.
We've been sleeping together on and off for the last seven years.
I can't believe the group is done.
My God, I wasted all of my 20s and part of my 30s.
Can I do anything? You could hang out with me a lot.
I suddenly have tons of free time.
Watch your step.
Lindsay? You found me.
What are you doing here? I don't know how to do anything.
I'm here.
Everything's gonna be okay.
Linds, no.
Look, it's real tempting.
Your bazungas are epic stupid.
And ever since Becca hit her second trimest, she's been a total cooze.
But I love her, and I can't do that to the mother of my child.
I'm gonna let you get some sleep.
Vernon? Do you think I'm useless? You might not be useful in the tradish sense, but you're a good friend.
You make people happy.
Will you hold me? Just for a minute.
Linds? Fine.
Honk honk.
Time stands still Call your name Fall in love Jesus Christ.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
Just crying in my car.
Is it something I did? No.
So you're not sleeping with someone else? No, Jimmy.
We're fine.
So, should I leave you alone then? Yeah.
Okay, well, see you.
Uh So why'd you bring the phone? Oh, I I like to play Snake while I cry.
Well, that's-that's a classic game, that.
Oh, my, we're beginning to blue, oh Oh, my, we're beginning to blue, oh A wi