You're The Worst (2014) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Heart is a Dumb Dumb (35 min)

So you kissed, and then what happened? Then she showed me her bronze medal.
She did? Why? Because she was understandably proud of it.
She she was proud of her bronze medal? It's quite beautiful, close up.
- What? - Why would a person just show someone their butthole? What? No! A real bronze medal.
- Oh! - Why would you think I meant a butthole? Well, you said "bronze medal.
" I mean, it is the third best hole.
Brownish.
So, you're feeling, um Human.
- A little human.
- Huh.
So, next time you feel, you know, "it" coming on, maybe you - should try switching your meds? - Meds? You're not on anti-depressants? Shit, no.
I don't want to lose my edge.
What? So you're-you're telling me you could have just taken a pill this whole time and you didn't? Nope.
Wow! Well Wow! We just proved I don't need medication.
You actually can fix me! My bad.
You're upright! Why do you have two burgers? One's for my baby.
New Tinder rando? No, the baby in my pussy.
- Bye.
- Jesus Christ, Lindser! Are you serious? That microwave thing actually worked? Guess so.
I just heated it up like a baked potato.
So, you and me, abobo and then Marie Callender's? Sure.
You know what's funny? Two weeks ago, I would have trapped Paul and torpedoed his gross relationship with Crunchy Princess Limp Hair.
But I think I've matured.
Amy was right.
I had a perfect man and I let him go.
Linds, you never liked Paul.
You only referred to him as dork, Lumpy Hubby, Paul Nye the Science Homo Do you think he's going to be at Becca's baby shower later? You going to tell him? No.
I'm moving on.
So, who's this basic ho Jimmy hooked up with? Oh, it doesn't matter.
Huh.
If I were you, I would totally want to see what brand of slizz I was up against.
I'm gonna leave you anyway I'm gonna leave you anyway Gonna leave you anyway.
Oh! Uh-uh-uh.
You are not serving your stale, mail-order popcorn.
Babe, people love fancy popcorn, it's a proven fact.
All right.
As long as there's no trash juice this time.
'Course not.
I promised.
All right.
Becca, you dummy.
There's Jimmy's car.
You'll feel better after you tell him.
You know, maybe-maybe I'll still drive over every morning to cook him breakfast until he eventually discovers I've moved out, and by then, he'll see it won't have to change anything between us.
Things need to change between you, Edgar.
You're always saying that.
Well, I always say I didn't know it was a school, too.
Look, I want you to feel proud that you're going to be living with me.
You're right.
I'll tell him.
Thank you.
Wait, about that school Oh, kidding.
I totally didn't know.
You're goddamn pregnant? I'm not keeping it.
Well, I should hope not.
And I'm gonna be a good sister.
I'm not drinking.
I'm gonna make sure everyone knows this is your day.
I even brought lemons this time, like you asked.
Uh Please don't tell Paul.
Of course not.
What a disaster.
I can have one.
The popcorn is trash juice.
Pass it on.
I need to tell you something.
Gretchen has never taken meds! Really? After all that? Exactly.
And then she said she doesn't ever need to now, because she has me to fix her.
Between her, you, Killian, I have to be the emotional bedrock for everyone.
When's it my turn to be taken care of? You know what? Today.
Today's my turn.
I'm going to get absolutely snozzelled.
Well, this is leading towards something dangerously misguided.
We'll see how she likes taking care of me for a change.
You probably don't want to get to "Level Two Jimmy drunk" around all these people.
Or maybe I do.
It's on the house Gretchen.
For what it's worth, Jimmy and I aren't talking right now.
You know nothing really happened.
Eh, we had problems already.
I'm sorry anyway.
Relationships are tough.
He's just such a child! The other day, he bought an $80 toy helicopter which he broke immediately.
Do you know what he talked to me about for an hour straight? - Tree houses? - Yes! A full hour! Yeah, you got off easy.
Let's grab a table.
You're articulate, brilliant, courageous, dexterous, enthralling, foxy G galvanizing.
Oh, I love it! You're articulate, brilliant, courageous, dexterous, enthralling, foxy, galvanizing and horny.
Amy! I have to go to the little girls' room.
Save my seat? Always.
Whew! Mm.
Just know I'm not really mad at you for ditching Lindsay.
I mean, you you dodged a bullet with that.
And by bullet, I mean it's way smaller than a bullet right now, but probably just as dumb.
Unless it got your genes.
What? Oh, dang it.
I guess you figured it out.
My sister impregnated herself by heating a condom full of your sperm in a microwave.
You know, that's scientifically impossible in ten different ways.
Of course.
That's my point.
Knowing her, she probably seduced the drive-thru guy at Del Taco and is just saying it's yours.
Well, yes.
There's literally no way we Wait.
Oh Oh, my God.
Mm! I can have one.
Mmm.
Fruity.
I seriously thought I was going crazy, I was texting and texting, and then I saw him lying in the bushes.
One time, Jimmy spilled a bowl of cereal when Edgar wasn't home, so he hid under his bed for two hours, until I finally cleaned it up.
And you date him.
Willingly.
The heart is a dumb dumb.
The dumbest dumb of them all.
You're so pretty.
I can see why Jimmy almost went to the cabin with you.
There's something so captivating about you.
What is it? Uh I don't know.
How can you be athletic and funny? Gotta find out.
- What are you doing? - What? What are you doing? What is wrong with you? I'm not scared, if that's what you're worried about.
Get out of my bar! Come on, just kiss me.
You kissed my boyfriend.
Kiss me! Kiss me! You kiss me, girl! - Kiss me! - Stop! What is wrong with you guys? - I am a real person! - Are you? You're a skier who owns a bar.
You don't think that sounds just a little bit like some male fantasy? Come on, just kiss my mouth.
- Kiss it! - This might be a mistake, 'cause you could have - crazy-person strength, - Ow.
- but if you don't - Ow.
get the hell out of my bar, I'm going to have to kick your ass.
God, that was so hot.
Can you believe the sexual tension between us? It's occupied.
Occupied! Vernon, what the heck? I'm using the toilet! I need cash.
My cards are maxed.
I wrote a bum check for my latest malpractice insurance.
Man, I better not mess up any surgeries! I just gave you $15,000.
You're the one who gave money to a money pig.
That's on you.
This isn't a good time.
I just received some highly enervating news that has my bowels in a state.
You don't know enervating, Paul! Come talk to me about enervating when you got a goddamn baby on the way that's gonna cost at least a half millie in its stupid life.
Just give me that money, turkey-dick! You shut the hell up, - Vernon! - Goddamn it.
- Get the hell out of this bathroom - Where is it?! or I will destroy you and everything that you love! - I will smother you - Ow.
in your sleep, so help me God! I hate you! Give me that money, nerd! Get out, get out, get out! Ah! Stop it! - Get out! - God! - You are such an asshole.
- Get out! I wish you were dead! Where's Gretchen? Jimmy, I'm moving out.
I'm so sorry, but the time has come for me to strike out on my own, and I Ooh, you have to get a place with a pool.
Or a gym.
Ac-Actually, we already have a place.
We? - Me and Dorothy.
- What? You've only known her for about an hour, man.
Who else do you know who moved in with someone way too soon? Hmm? Me! I got saddled with a lemon.
Guess what I spent all afternoon doing Wednesday? I sat in a pillow fort while she wept.
So boring.
Wait, Wednesday? That's why you missed my show? And no one can see you have a lemon.
You pull up to the valet and people are like, "Ooh, nice car," but they can't see all the work it needs on the interior.
And then you find out there was a factory recall and that they could've fixed it themselves? Oh, no.
Level Two Jimmy drunk: Angry Jimmy.
Okay, just slow down before you get yourself to Level Three.
Whose idea was this? Mine.
And when did you have it? When she took me to go see an apartment that she couldn't quite afford on her own.
Play your favorite song Get your arm ready Take two deep breaths You're scaring me.
Have you seen the rest of the house? Yikes.
It is literally the exact opposite of how we should decorate our place.
There's a framed poster of G.
Love & Special Sauce.
I shit you not.
I can't move in with you.
What? Why? Turns out, Jimmy missed the show for a really good reason, and-and-and I I just got angry, and I made this rash decision, and Okay, honey, listen to me.
This is your chance to start your life over.
With me.
You're ready.
No, but I'm not ready for what you want from me.
You tell me that I am, but I'm not.
Maybe in a few years.
I don't have a few years.
I spent four years too goddamn long in that comedy house 'cause I thought we were going somewhere.
I don't have any more time to waste.
I'm sorry.
I can't believe this.
Goddamn you, Edgar.
Okay, uh, everyone, hello.
Hi, everybody, gather round, please.
Well, the moment of truth has arrived.
In just a minute, we are gonna be cutting into that cake, and depending on its color, finding out if we're gonna raising a-a precious little baby girl or a macho boy.
Isn't that fun? - We want to - Hello.
Sorry.
I'd just like to say a few words.
Okay, now is not really the time.
It's cool, Bec It's all love.
Oh, my God, Level Three.
No, it's not, Becca.
Happy Jimmy.
Becca, y-you are so special.
No, I'm serious.
You take in my words.
You accept how special you are.
You are a treasure.
- Okay.
- Come here.
- Come here, I'm gonna hug on you.
- Okay.
Look at this woman she's like a lioness on the savannah, just preparing to expel her It must have been my pre-ejaculate.
Goddamn, Becca.
Since we broke up, I started life-logging.
I record everything.
My conversations, bowel movements, fitness.
My life in searchable data.
And according to my records, we did have unprotected vaginal intercourse for 37 seconds before I donned a sheath.
Though the odds of conception from pre-ejaculate are narrow, as you know, I do have a heavy seminal load of high viscosity and opacity.
Oh, what happened to your face? Amy was signing so fast with her left hand, I didn't see the right hook coming.
- She hit you? - And more.
- Why? - 'Cause I broke up with her.
Do you remember when I told you the definition of love was putting someone else's needs above your own, and you said, "Ew"? Ew.
I mean, yes.
Tonight, you put me first when you decided not to trap me with your pregnancy.
I quit on you.
I was a hypocrite.
So, Lindsay let's have baby.
I don't know, Paul.
I was really unhappy.
Think about it, okay? It's just so sad, you know? Level Four.
I've only heard about this.
Edgar.
My confidant.
A Grumio to my Petruchio.
The sweetest man I've ever known.
It's so beautiful that you and Dorothy found each other.
But I just I just broke up with her.
Why'd you do that? You told me to.
But Dorothy's amazing.
You said she manipulated me.
So what? Go! Hey, I know it's cliché, but, really, what-what if there were no possessions? Can you imagine that? Uh, do you guys know my girlfriend, Gretchen? She's supposed to be here.
She got sad for a long time.
That was hard.
I'm used to being the complicated one.
Like, with-with Becca.
Becca's, uh, like a Monday crossword.
Gretchen Sunday.
Takes-takes all day, but it's rewarding as hell.
Gretchen! You had a little too much to drink, didn't you, buddy? Gretchen, what the hell am I doing up here? Aw, I know.
Y-You have to help me, 'cause my turn.
It is, Jimmy.
Okay, oh, I'm so sorry, everybody.
Vernon.
My father was a petty man.
Demeaning.
Stingy.
I think that's why I'm so scared to be a father.
Vernon, put down that mic right now.
No, I have been silent too long! I became a doctor because I was born dead, but do you guys have any idea You never came.
I tried to kiss Nina, and she kicked me out of her bar.
What? But you're so hot.
I'm so hot.
Did you wear your booby shirt? Of course I wore my booby shirt.
Anyway, I can see what you like about her.
She's hella foxy.
She a'ight.
Ooh.
I have a problem, you guys.
I gave control of my finances to a woman I don't know.
There's nothing sexual about it.
Fine, I jack off to it sometimes, but that's not what it's about.
I regret being born dead, and I regret not being ready to be a father, and I regret going to see The Babadook.
It was so scary, you guys.
But mostly I regret hurting my wife.
I regret, but I am not ashamed anymore.
I am not ashamed.
But I reiterate do not see The Babadook.
Whatever you do! Look at this face I know the years are showing Look at this life I still don't know where it's going I don't know much But I know I love you And that may be All I need to know Look at these eyes They've never seen what mattered Look at these dreams So beat and and so battered I don't know much But I know I love you And that may be All I need to know So many questions Still left unanswered So much I've never broken through And when I feel you near me Listen, no, I'm not ready to live with you, but does that mean we have to break up? Because when two people connect like I think we do, I refuse to believe that things have to just end.
That's madness.
I-I refuse to believe that life has to be like that.
I simply refuse.
Life has to make more sense than that.
Dude, we just got in a little fight.
And now I'm taking the bus home to show you how mad I am.
- You're supposed to come after me.
- Oh.
You thought we broke up? People don't behave like that, dummy.
Want to go get some food, help me figure out how to get my deposit back? Yes.
Yes, I do.
I don't know much But I know I love you That may be All I need to know How much money? So much.
Mmm.
And that may be All there is To know Whoa-whoa, ah-ah.
Good? Yeah.
Even though it's gray today I can feel you Near me dear I got a new hobby.
What is it? Ah Then we both arrive At the same time Again Ah Then we're both alive At the same time Again.
I'm gonna talk to someone about it.
A doctor someone.
Maybe see about some medication.
It's always been just me, you know? Now it's not anymore.
Thank you.
You know, after I cleaned the fries off your face and put you to bed, you said something to me that was pretty dark.
Don't tell me.
Okay, I won't.
I love you, too.
This is all I ever need The air is all I want to breathe