You're The Worst (2014) Episode Scripts

N/A - Twenty-Two

1 I'm gonna leave you anyway I'm gonna leave you anyway Gonna leave you anyway.
(faint ringing) (sighs) (crickets chirping) (exhales) (ticking) I think I wanna, think I wanna, think I wanna (indistinct chatter over headphones) I think I wanna, think I wanna, think I wanna I think I wanna, think I wanna, think I wanna I think I wanna tell you somethin' Well, go on, tell me somethin' I think I wanna tell you somethin' Well, go on, tell me somethin' I think I wanna tell you somethin' Well, go on, tell me somethin' I think I wanna tell you somethin' Tell me what? I think I wanna, think I wanna, think I wanna Please tell me now I think I wanna, think I wanna, think I wanna wanna tell you somethin'.
I think I wanna tell you somethin'.
I think I wanna tell you somethin'.
I think I wanna tell you somethin'.
I think I wanna, think I wanna, think I wanna I think I wanna, think I wanna, think I wanna (tires screech) (faint ringing) (dog barks in distance) (breathing deeply) (tires screech) 'Cause I'm a creator and a dominator You're not down for hittin' skins later, you perpetrator I come tight with the beat and all that So throw your hands in the air Show me what you got there 'Cause girls just wanna have fun But deep inside my heart I know girls just wanna have funds You, yeah, you make me go (snoring) (clanging) - (garbage truck beeping) - (dog barking) (groans) (brakes hissing) (sizzling) - (faint ringing) - (muffled conversation) (panting) I made my special heart pancakes.
What kind of jank-ass hearts are these? (chuckles) That one looks like a butt.
It was kind of a rough night.
But, um, this afternoon, I-I finally have my consultation with the chief of staff at the VA, - and I think - LINDSAY: Yeah, chiefs'll do that sometimes.
Hey, can I get some sticky sauce for these pan-butts or what? It turns out, in World War I, the official term for "PTSD" was "cowardice," - and you were shot for it.
- GRETCHEN: That is interesting.
LINDSAY: How are you holding up, Jimmy? (muffled): When my guinea pig died, I couldn't jack off - for, like, half a day.
- GRETCHEN: I'm telling you guys false alarm.
He truly doesn't give a shit.
(conversation continuing indistinctly) (faint ringing) (ringing volume increases) - (radio static) - (speaks indistinctly) - (water running) - JIMMY: Aw! It nearly had it.
(water running loudly) LINDSAY: mommy classes Becca's always yammering about.
JIMMY: Edgar? Edgar? - Uh, yeah.
What's up? - Big writing day ahead of me.
I need you to get all my usual writing snacks from the British specialty store.
Shrimp-flavored crisps, Wallington's choco-knockers, tartar biscuits, kidney jerky, and then all your standard candies lemingtons, fluffingtons, rum Christophers (classical music playing over speakers) (faint ringing) (register beeping) (breathing deeply) (indistinct chatter) (ringing volume increases) (breathing deeply) (ringing volume decreases) (indistinct chatter) (woman speaking indistinctly) I have eyes on him right now.
(faint ringing) Subject is on the move.
- (ringing volume increases) - (indistinct chatter) (register beeping) - (beeping quickens) - (indistinct chatter) - CASHIER: Can I help you? - (ringing stops) Sir? Sir? (classical music continues playing over speakers) (beeping) A British flag balloon.
How did you know? Oh, I pays attention to my girl.
Edgar, look at me.
- Edgar - I've been thinking about you all day.
I could barely sleep.
Okay, you need your sleep.
Aren't you supposed to have your big meeting thingy - with the head counselor person? - I was actually thinking, instead, what if we just hung out here all day, you know, just, like, laid in bed and watched movies? Or ignored movies.
Edgar, stop! Why don't you want to go? You've been waiting to meet with her for months.
What if I go and this is my best last chance and they can't help me? - Then we try something else.
- What else?! I've tried booze, drugs, talk therapy, pills.
If not for you, for me.
I need you to try.
Sometimes I see you look at me and it kind of it scares me.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Dorothy.
I'm sorry.
I don't need you to apologize.
I just need you to keep trying.
You are brave and you're smart and you're strong, okay? And remember, when you go, you just have to be your own advocate, okay? They can fix you, but you might have to fight for it.
This is the one time to not follow the rules.
It's their job to help you.
(rhythmic creaking) Edgar, where are your pre-moistened towelettes? I don't have any.
Why? No reason.
- I might need one in a few minutes.
- (chuckles) GRETCHEN: Hey, look, it's your dumbass limey biscuit and fag store.
Um, Edgar, I thought you said you couldn't get my writing snacks 'cause the store was cordoned off due to police activity.
I, uh I-I guess they caught the guy.
(faint ringing) - GRETCHEN: Oh! - Aah! Oh! Jesus! You are lucky I didn't just break my wang.
GRETCHEN: Oh, I broke a guy's wang once.
They never tell you how far back it can and can't go.
JIMMY: It's the sideways that's really dangerous.
Oi! Eyes forward, pervert.
(ringing continues) - (music starts playing) - Uh, excuse me, is this an audio tape? I didn't know they still had those.
I guess poor people still need something to listen to.
I like my tapes.
My brother gave me these.
This is my favorite because - it reminds - Oh, look! He even has them in a little tape case.
Oh, my God, are we in the Smithsonian? Do obese Midwesterners gather around your car, pressing their be-churroed faces at the glass to marvel at your ancient relics from an erstwhile time of low-fidelity and inability to fast forward through songs quickly? - (tires screech) - Agh! Oh I swear, this is by far the worst Uber I have ever taken.
Like a feeling that feels so Oh, I almost forgot give us your car booze.
Guys, I I really have to get to my VA appointment.
- (groans) - (groans) Fine, but when you're done with your stupid thing you're giving us a ride home.
(engine starts) And you'll slide into a something that's only tonight Being something like a feeling that feels so right Now (exhales) - Good.
- (pats back) Boy, oh, boy, son, I You know, I really got to congratulate you on your tenacity and dedication to overcoming your difficulties.
You-you really you really are an inspiration.
Overcoming? I'm, uh Actually, I'm-I'm not doing so well.
Well, you got in to see me, and that takes grit and determination.
Sometimes my own grandchildren have to make an appointment to see me.
Well, thanks.
But should it take grit and determination to get help? Exactly.
Edgar, you are exactly right.
Believe you me, when I think of the difficulties that our chronic underfunding has meant for our patients, it just makes my blood boil.
We are making strides, though.
We have a plan to stop being fax dependent before the next war.
Wait, you guys know when the next war is? No.
- (giggling softly) - Oh I got you! (both laughing) I like you.
I really like you.
I really like you.
Oh, that's so nice.
You know what? What the heck.
I am prepared to offer you ten sessions in our virtual reality trainer.
They actually build a video game out of your trauma.
It's really so fun.
But scary, of course.
But, more importantly, it's shown real efficacy in ameliorating battlefield trauma of your type.
- Well, I-I know about that.
- Yeah? But I-I was told that study was full up.
(whispers): It's our little secret.
- Shh.
- Wow.
Thank you.
But I-I guess I don't understand um, what if I hadn't kept asking - and asking? - Let's get you signed up, shall we? Okay.
So, you are taking Paxil, Ambien, Chlordia 11 different medications, actually.
Well, I take 15, and I never went to war.
Getting old: don't do it.
Yeah, but actually, I stopped taking those.
Oh, dear.
Which ones? All of them.
I stopped them all.
So when you are back on the full course of your prescribed treatment, then we can revisit whether we can locate a place for you - in one of our alternative programs.
- Yeah, but they were not working for me, and this might.
If you're hostile to one of our treatments, how can I offer you another? Especially when our budget is limited, and there's so many deserving men and women? No, I'm-I'm not hostile, I'm Okay? I just I don't like the side effects.
They make me feel blotchy.
Okay? I-It's just-it's just turning down the volume.
It It's not living.
From where I sit we seem to be at an impasse.
(sniffles) No, I'm not leaving.
- (sighs) - You're gonna help me.
It's the only reason you exist: to help us.
And no, no, it's not enough to be fed a one size fits all cocktail of shut up pills.
Oh, if we had shut up pills, we would have prescribed them to you by now.
Oh, okay.
Aah! (grunts) Aah! Are you done? Okay.
You feel free to make another appointment once you're back on your prescribed medication.
Okay, hon? (distorted, sluggish): Though you know, yeah (faint ringing) (music stops) (music starts again, more distorted) (ringing continues) Oh, sh We won't get another soul Just to see this night (helicopter blades whirring) And you'll slide into a something (ringing continuing) (distorted music plays) (honking) We're still, we're still (gasps) (music distorts, slows) (ringing continuing) - Shit.
- (tires screech) (horn honks) I know something like a feeling That feels so right - Gonna - (music stops) (phone rings) Hey, Jimmy.
We're ready to go.
And I sincerely hope you've got our car booze.
A majority of your rating rests on this.
Uh, sorry, I-I can't come.
My, um my car broke down.
Oh, well, that's not a surprise, piece of shit with no auxiliary plug or car booze.
(click, dial tone) (phone beeps off) (phone buzzing) (horns honking) (vehicles whooshing by) (crying) (sniffles) (sighs) (engines revving) (sighs) (laughs) MAN: Goddamn it! Cut! Hey, man! Hey! Can you not just pick up our prop? We're gonna have to go again.
- Oh, sorry.
I-I didn't notice you were - What? You just thought a paper boat was sailing down the river on its own? I don't know.
- Don't talk to me that way! - Sorry.
We're making this silent short for a class, and we don't have tons of film.
I don't understand why we have to shoot on film anyway.
I mean, I bought myself a Red with my bar mitzvah money.
Anyway - He has a good look, huh? - What? (crickets chirping) Shit! Hey, uh, that's my car.
I'm here.
- (dog barking) - Oh! (barking) (chains jingle, barking continues) Hey.
- (taps car) - It's my car.
I'm here.
- I'm just doing my job.
- Oh, I know.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I, uh I-I ran out of gas.
You can't just leave your car here.
Sign? And you got plenty of gas.
Look, I had to pull over.
I'm I've been, um I'm having a tough day.
I drive a tow truck.
Everybody's having a tough day.
Please? You a vet? What? How did? Your paperwork on the seat of your car.
(lighter clicks open, shuts) - Dreams? - Some real bad ones.
- Hypervigilance? - I saw a sniper on the overpass.
IEDs in the trash? Yes! Roadside trash is the worst.
Why can't they just throw it away? Suicidal thoughts? You know the stats? 22 every day.
Though, in truth, there are some Vietnam dudes that are jacking up our numbers, but still.
I thought starting today, things would get better.
But they don't give a shit.
Here's what you got to understand.
They're not evil.
None of 'em are.
The military's job is to sand down our humanity just enough to where we can take a life.
That's it.
Afterwards, some totally separate branch gets to deal with all these purposely broken motherfuckers.
Not only is that impossible with the resources, that's just impossible, period.
Yeah, well, then, what are we supposed to do? Not wait for someone to help you.
- Figure out what works.
- (dog whines gently) My man Carter he hunts all the time.
This big chopper pilot I know (laughs) he goes to yoga.
- And we make fun of him, but it seems to work.
- (laughs) (laughter) Jorge hikes the PCT once a year.
I got this companion dog.
I wanted a big, mean, dude, but the organization gave me this little scrub.
He saved my life this guy.
This other bro I know locks himself in his bedroom and stabs his closet door.
I mean, he's not getting his deposit back, but once the rage passes, he's fine.
I know you don't want to hear this, but the minute you stop looking for someone else to cure you, maybe you start living again.
So let's not just be this one night Slowly slide into a something That's nothing despite Being something like a feeling that feels so right I can't let it go I have to find you Cannot find you, girl I run through the streets My mind is racing Hands are shaking, yeah (whooping) Dude! Don't do that! Oh, uh Sorry! Sorry.
I am s sorry.
Feels so right I won't let you go after just one more night Slowly slide into a nothing That's something despite Being something like a feeling that feels so right - I said it's some day - Something like a feeling - That feels so right - Something like a feeling - I won't let you go after just one more night - I won't let you go - (laughing) - Slowly slide into a nothing That's something despite Being something like a feeling that feels so right I said something like a feeling That feels for night.
(piano plays sad, dramatic music) (piano plays dramatic music) (banjo plays upbeat song) (band joins in, playing upbeat song)