You're The Worst (2014) s05e02 Episode Script
The Pin in My Grenade
1 Hey, girl, with the boots on, how 'bout you come this way So we can do something, I looked all around the spot There's some cool ones But ain't nobody more beautiful than you, hon Come on, dance with me, baby girl, move something Baby, we can get it in like a shoehorn Oh! GRETCHEN: I think I follow too many porn sites.
- JIMMY: How many do you follow? - So many.
But I'm paranoid if I cut one, I'm gonna miss out on some really good stuff.
Well, then don't unfollow any.
But every time I pick up my phone, it takes me, like, an hour to scroll through everything.
Longer if I get all horned up in the middle.
Yeah No, actually, it sounds like you're in a terrible dilemma, about which I empathize fully.
Aw, thanks, Jimmy.
You see, I didn't try to fix your problem, I just empathized, like you taught me, like a girl.
I appreciate that.
I feel very heard.
- Hmm.
- Now fix my problem.
EDGAR: So, hey.
You know how you guys have been visiting wedding planners, and no one's lived up to your standards? - We think we know why.
- Because we've been lying to them for our own amusement? Great work, Eugène François Vidocq, first private detective - and father of modern criminology.
- (pounds table) Jimmy, please! We're talking.
It's because they don't know you.
Because we've been lying to them.
Really, Edgar, what part of? (Edgar clears throat) Who better to plan the most important day of your lives than the two most important people in your lives? LINDSAY: So, first of all, we were thinking something like August 7 think about it: midpoint of summer, clear of any holidays.
9/11 is just around the corner.
Isn't August 7 your birthday? I know it's Charlize Theron's.
Huh! Weird, it's mine, too.
(giggles) Spitballing here What if we combine celebrations? There's not going to be a wedding.
- What?! No.
- This is your natural goddamn end point - we're working toward here - You guys cannot break up again.
It's like we keep doing the same thing over and over, and it's too much for my heart.
You're like two ruined ladies from the past You're the pin in my grenade, - and you do not want to pull that pin! - So close to having - the birthday of my dreams.
- Oh, my God, shut up.
Look, we're getting married, we're just not having a wedding.
In, like (gasps) ten hours.
We're eloping, suckas! Wasting hella time with those bunk-ass wedding planners made us realize we can just walk right into the courthouse and do this damn thing like we're paying a parking ticket.
Oh, but that reminds me, I have, like, 20 parking tickets to pay.
(sighs) Well, let's bring them.
Where are they? (grunts "I don't know") I can't believe this is happening.
Come on, let's go lay down.
So, what you up to today, besides locking yourself down a hunk? Coffee, e-mail might try to squeeze in a little nap before lunch.
You? Oh, I've got my first meeting for the movie adaptation of The Width of a Peach.
So, I have to drive to the west side, which is a whole thing.
Ugh.
Eat dicks, west.
Oh, um this came in the post for you.
Well, I am off.
I shall return a much maligned Hollywood elite.
I'll see you at 4:30.
Oh, we'll be right by the two-dollar theater.
They're showing that Liam Neeson zeppelin movie.
(gruffly): He wasn't asking for trouble.
Trouble found him.
(door opens, closes) I'm gonna leave you anyway I'm gonna leave you anyway I'm gonna leave you anyway.
(indistinct chatter) (indistinct radio transmission) Sir (continues indistinctly) It's finally happening.
Called it, I called it! It's mine.
I called it.
(laughs) (hums) Hot, hot, not.
- Maybe without the braces.
- LINDSAY: Gretch? Has your office gotten bigger or have I gotten smaller? Neither.
I have had my eye on this office for years, so I took advantage of the current cultural climate and enacted some personal reparations on behalf of women everywhere.
You "Me Too-ed" a dude for his office? You know it! And here's the best part.
(gasps) Holy shit.
A bathroom in an office? It's like Inception for pooping.
(gasps) Oh, and it has one of those fancy Japanese toilets that washes your butt when you forget how to wipe.
- Ah! - But, but Prima nocta, bitch.
I break him in.
- So, what's up? - (sighs) I really think you're going to regret not having a wedding.
Oh, my God, Lindsay.
Just rent out a Chuck E.
Cheese or something.
This isn't about our birthday/wedding.
I just wanted to tell you marriage is hard.
Your wedding day is the one day it's fun.
Seriously, it's all downhill after the wedding.
That's just gravity.
You're gonna go against gravity? (snickers) I don't think so, Sandra Bullock, star of the hit film Gravity.
- What? - I want a party! Lindsay, stop.
Eloping is fine because the point is being hitched, not getting hitched, and if you'd ever actually been in love, you'd know that.
(scoffs) Why-why would you say that? Because when you divorced Paul, you told me you'd never been in love.
Okay, whatever.
I have to go to day work.
You forgot your dry cleaning.
It's not my dry cleaning.
It's actually a wedding dress I stole for you from work.
I brought it in case you didn't want to look shitty at your fake-ass non-wedding.
- Gretchen? - I called it! No, we just wanted to thank you for speaking out about Ryan.
Ryan? Wait.
This guy? He really was a harasser? U-Um, yeah.
Anyway, thanks.
You're a hero.
I am a hero.
(laughter) We're just so excited, Jimmy.
I still can't believe that my book is being made into a movie.
- (chuckles) - Well, believe it.
Oh, I absolutely believe it.
I was being folksy.
This thing is getting great reads all over town.
We're starting to hear takes next week.
Takes? Oh, brilliant.
And obviously, we'll run the screenwriter by you, as a courtesy, you know.
SHEILA: Thank you so much for stopping by.
And if you have any suggestions, we definitely want you to feel heard.
Wait, why would you hire someone else to write the movie of my book? Uh (laughs) Great, you want to throw your hat in the ring? That's fantastic.
- Uh - DAN: Yeah.
Why don't you come back in once you've nailed down your take? - MAN: Dan.
- Okay? - Ooh, sorry, guys, I got to run.
- Ooh.
Great seeing you, Jim.
Uh, that must be that, uh, big 1:00 meeting.
I really should What's a take? (groans) Stubborn bitch is being such a stubborn bitch.
She doesn't deserve that toilet.
Lindsay, you're-you're hurting my She said I've never been in love.
How dare she criticize my love life when she's eloping like a poor? This is bad, Lindsay.
Think about it.
If they're cutting us out of this, what's next? - Vacations? - Dog adoptions.
- Babies? - Shopping montages.
- Funerals? - That dress was our last hope, and she didn't even look at it.
Oh, this elopement is a slippery slope.
And we're sliding, Lindsay, we're sliding fast.
That's it.
I have to convince him to have a wedding.
Oh, buddy.
Oh, sweet, sweet buddy.
- Oh, sweet, sweet, sweet - What?! Edgar, Jimmy is smart.
And you're, well, Edgar.
(scoffs) I'm smart.
I've been tricking Jimmy into letting me live in his house for the last three years.
Hate to break it to you, but you're the dumb one of the group.
(giggles) What? No.
You're the dumb one.
- No, I'm the hot one.
- I'm the hot one.
(chuckles) The reason you think someone else is the dumb one of the group is because that's what the dumb one's supposed to think to protect them, 'cause if you were dumb and sad at the same time, then you'd kill yourself.
Now stick it back in me somewhere, dummy.
I'm not the dumb one, you're the dumb one.
JUSTINA (over computer): Gretchen? Gretchen.
Gretchen? Gretchen, are you okay? Gretchen! - Gretchen, is our session today? - How's Iowa? Oh, wait, literally no one cares about anyone in Iowa.
Anyway, I am eloping today.
And you feel conflicted about it? Uh, hell no.
I feel great about it.
They teach you to jump to conclusions in titty-sucking bitch school? I'm sorry.
- I know we're working on that.
- Thank you.
I meant titty-sucking bitch university! Oh! Goddamn it, I am killing it today.
Gretchen, I have work to do.
(sighs) So, I was 100 on this eloping thing, and then this box showed up with this dumb wedding dream book I made as a kid.
And I'm still into eloping, I just I don't know.
I'm just mad pissed.
- (sighs) - I told my simple-ass brother about this whole thing in secret, and he went and blabbed to his depressed postpartum sad wife.
It's like, maybe focus on keeping her from drowning my nephew, you loose-lipped dickwad.
Jesus Christ, Gretchen, what is going on with you? (scoffs) It's this stupid book! And on top of that, Lindsay brought me a wedding dress.
It's like the universe wants me to have a wedding? Sounds like you're more in touch with what you want then you realize, and if you're still having doubts I should try the dress on? I was gonna say go for a run, but sure, Gretchen, try on the dress and see how you feel about it.
Cool.
I'm glad I figured that out.
I'll Venmo myself ten bucks.
It's $150.
And you owe me for three months.
Anyways, I (chuckles) I hope you and Boone figure it out.
Who? (chuckles) Keep up, I'm marrying Jimmy.
Gretchen, you listen to me very carefully.
Do not marry Yeah, I feel nothing.
Nice.
(sighing) (urinating) - (water sprays) - Oh! (laughing) Yeah, I got 15 minutes.
Let's do this, toilet.
(moans) (water spraying) How dare they make me audition to write the movie version of my book? It's illogical and insulting.
And if that's the way that this industry works, then I shan't be party to any of it.
- No, I shan't indeed.
- Hey.
Let's not talk shop today.
Um, a toast.
To your wedding.
- (groans) - Since we won't actually - be there, I just want to say - Edgar, Edgar, Edgar, please, just save yourself the mental exertion you can clearly ill afford.
We're not having a wedding.
- No, but you - Moreover, if you truly knew us, you would understand the heterodox iconoclastic nature of a spontaneous elopement perfectly captures the renegade tale of our amorous union.
- So just save it.
- Ugh, fine.
I did bring you here to convince you to have a real wedding, but you painted such a beautiful word salad just now, I've changed my mind.
I guess Lindsay was right I am the dumb one of the group.
(snickers) Well, I guess eloping does make sense considering all the people whose weddings you've heckled over the years who'd just show up to bring you down.
(scoffs) Please! I am un-bring-down-able.
Nah, but weddings aren't.
(scoffs) Remember what you did to Becca and Vernon's? Ugh, what a low-rent, tacky affair.
I mean, the horrid music, the wretched decor, - my God, the food.
- (chuckles) There was nary a burrata bar to be seen.
Ooh, what kind of food would you have? Oh, well, my wedding would be catered by Roy Choi, - obviously.
- Oh, man, I love him.
The flowers would have to be sourced same-day from the flower mart, of course.
Color palette: Claude Monet, Rouen Cathedral, West Facade, Sunlight, 1892.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Day of the event, fade in.
It's dawn at Adamson House, and the fog is dense over the Pacific Ocean, like a perfect Christmas pudding.
(water spraying rhythmically) (moaning) (grunts) Omakase? (screaming) I'll have what I'm having.
- (water spraying) - (shuddering) And then a tasteful fireworks display over the ocean, scored to Mahler's Ich bin der Welt abhanden gekommen, would bring to a close the greatest wedding in the history of matrimony.
Resetting the very bar to which all couples aspire.
As espoused by Will Smith as Alex "Hitch" Hitchens in Hitch, "Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away.
" ALL: Oh (sniffles) That shit was beautiful, bro.
So when's this wedding? Oh, that was all hypothetical, lowly barkeep.
In fact, my fiancée and I are eloping at - (phone chimes) - 45 minutes ago.
Oh, dear God! - What'd you do, bro? - Jimmy, no.
Jimmy.
She thinks I've abandoned her.
Again.
Oh, no, Jimmy.
I guess you have no choice but to throw a real wedding.
- (phone ringing, buzzing) - (water spraying) (moaning) (water stops) (phone ringing, buzzing) Oh, God.
This is my fault.
This was my plan all along.
Well, not this.
Just the part where I bamboozle you into wanting a real wedding.
I didn't mean for you to leave Gretchen at the non-altar.
(flicks lighter) - I'm too powerful, Jimmy.
- Yeah, right.
We've already established that you're the dumb one.
Nice try, though, dummy.
Quick, give me a tube sock and some nickels.
I'll work you over, basic training style, and Gretchen will think you got jumped outside City Hall.
Edgar, that is moronic.
What kind of demented idiot would agree to something like that? Do it.
(yelling) (both yelling) Damn it, Gretchen! Stay still.
- (whimpers) - This is really hard for me.
I'm sorry, I thought I'd long ago lost my survival instinct, along with my gag reflex.
Oh, goddamn it! I can't believe I missed my wedding.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Gretchen, Gretchen.
I know this seems like a giant deal now, but in a few years, when you and Jimmy are Oh! Oh, no! Gretchen, I thought surprising you would work, but it worked too good.
I (screams) - Again.
- What? No.
Honey, once was hard enough.
I-I couldn't possibly (Gretchen grunts) That's for saying I've never been in love.
Oh, Jesus, but it's true! - (Gretchen yelps) - (yelling) Stop! Lindsay! Safe word! (yelling trails off) (panting) How do I look? Like Mickey Rourke was stung by bees.
- Perfect.
- (Gretchen sniffles) Sorry I said the thing about you never being in love.
It's okay.
It's true.
Just hurts to hear it out loud.
(Gretchen groans softly) (tires screeching) Oh, no.
My Snapple was in there.
(exhaling sharply) (whistles) I don't smell smoke.
And her car's not here.
(exhales) Oh, I I guess we're safe for now.
I wonder if there's a way that we can convince her that you manipulated me into missing the wedding? Oh, you mean my plan I actually did? Yeah, but in my fictitious version, it worked.
JIMMY: Okay, listen, Gretchen, I can Oh, my God! What happened?! (voice breaking): Oh, Jimmy, I'm still shaking.
I got in an insane accident.
Like, an inch away from being decapitated, Final Destination insane.
Oh, Jesus, are are you hurt? Yeah, but I guess I deserve it.
Oh, Gretchen, I'm so, so sorry.
Listen, the-the last thing I'd want you to think is that I'd abandoned you again.
And, uh, it's been absolutely killing me.
Wait.
You didn't show up? I mean, you didn't show up.
You didn't show up! Oh, what is wrong with you? You left me standing there in this dress? Do you know how stupid I looked? Do you know how humiliated I was? I'm so, so sorry.
You left me standing there, waiting for you on the street! Crying like I'm in some bad movie.
All the other couples in line were laughing at me! A homeless man hugged me 'cause he felt so bad! (crying) What is wrong with you, Jimmy? What? Oh, Gretchen.
You just couldn't help yourself, could you? (cries, sniffles) What are you talking about? You little ginger fool.
You say you were "waiting on the street" because you imagined City Hall was just some sort of kiosk or storefront, didn't you? No.
I Because you've never been there.
Not to pay a parking ticket, not to get married.
You didn't show up either! Yes, I did.
Why would I be wearing this dress - if I didn't? - See, when I mistakenly drank through our City Hall wedding, Edgar's first instinct was to use his penchant for violence to make it look as though I was set upon by ruffians.
Now something tells me, as the twin dummies of the group, Lindsay had a similar moronic idea.
It was my moronic idea! Mm.
Uh Fine.
I missed it, too.
(sighs) - Sit down, Gretchen.
- No.
- Oh, come on.
We can figure this out.
- No.
I know.
I just can't sit down right now.
(sighs) I missed the wedding 'cause I was banging my new toilet.
It's a long story.
Actually, it's not.
I just said the whole thing.
So, neither of us showed.
Do you think there's some deeper meaning? (Gretchen sighs) Gretchen Cutler's Wedding Diary.
I think I want a wedding.
A wedding? Are you mad? He wants one, too! Tell her about the fog, Jimmy.
The Christmas fog.
Oh.
(Jimmy sighs) (sighs) (laughter) YOUNG GRETCHEN: Dear Gretchen, if you're watching this, it's because I died.
Just kidding! It's because we're getting married! If everything's gone according to the plan, you're a hot 22-year-old marine biologist who's engaged to Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
- YOUNG GRETCHEN: He's so cute.
- You're no JTT, pal.
Okay.
So this is the must-have section.
A French lace gown with a ten-foot train, a chocolate fountain.
New Kids on the Block will perform.
For the complete list, refer to the must-haves section in our book.
I know it sounds fun, but marriage can be really scary.
So, if you ever get nervous, just remember you're making me really happy.
And don't forget to run everything by Mom, or you'll have to eat dinner in the scary room for bad girls under the stairs.
So should we pick a date? - August 7 is a nice - GRETCHEN and JIMMY: No.
("Baldy" by Mozes and the Firstborn playing) (Young Gretchen continues speaking indistinctly) Ah.
- JIMMY: Ah.
- (chuckling) Well, I know this can't be right Ooh, ooh Well, that's no fear, to fall behind Top of my head, it's on the top of my mind Well, that's no fear, to fall behind Top of my head, it's on the top of my mind Well, that's no fear, to fall behind My, my, my, my, my, my, my
- JIMMY: How many do you follow? - So many.
But I'm paranoid if I cut one, I'm gonna miss out on some really good stuff.
Well, then don't unfollow any.
But every time I pick up my phone, it takes me, like, an hour to scroll through everything.
Longer if I get all horned up in the middle.
Yeah No, actually, it sounds like you're in a terrible dilemma, about which I empathize fully.
Aw, thanks, Jimmy.
You see, I didn't try to fix your problem, I just empathized, like you taught me, like a girl.
I appreciate that.
I feel very heard.
- Hmm.
- Now fix my problem.
EDGAR: So, hey.
You know how you guys have been visiting wedding planners, and no one's lived up to your standards? - We think we know why.
- Because we've been lying to them for our own amusement? Great work, Eugène François Vidocq, first private detective - and father of modern criminology.
- (pounds table) Jimmy, please! We're talking.
It's because they don't know you.
Because we've been lying to them.
Really, Edgar, what part of? (Edgar clears throat) Who better to plan the most important day of your lives than the two most important people in your lives? LINDSAY: So, first of all, we were thinking something like August 7 think about it: midpoint of summer, clear of any holidays.
9/11 is just around the corner.
Isn't August 7 your birthday? I know it's Charlize Theron's.
Huh! Weird, it's mine, too.
(giggles) Spitballing here What if we combine celebrations? There's not going to be a wedding.
- What?! No.
- This is your natural goddamn end point - we're working toward here - You guys cannot break up again.
It's like we keep doing the same thing over and over, and it's too much for my heart.
You're like two ruined ladies from the past You're the pin in my grenade, - and you do not want to pull that pin! - So close to having - the birthday of my dreams.
- Oh, my God, shut up.
Look, we're getting married, we're just not having a wedding.
In, like (gasps) ten hours.
We're eloping, suckas! Wasting hella time with those bunk-ass wedding planners made us realize we can just walk right into the courthouse and do this damn thing like we're paying a parking ticket.
Oh, but that reminds me, I have, like, 20 parking tickets to pay.
(sighs) Well, let's bring them.
Where are they? (grunts "I don't know") I can't believe this is happening.
Come on, let's go lay down.
So, what you up to today, besides locking yourself down a hunk? Coffee, e-mail might try to squeeze in a little nap before lunch.
You? Oh, I've got my first meeting for the movie adaptation of The Width of a Peach.
So, I have to drive to the west side, which is a whole thing.
Ugh.
Eat dicks, west.
Oh, um this came in the post for you.
Well, I am off.
I shall return a much maligned Hollywood elite.
I'll see you at 4:30.
Oh, we'll be right by the two-dollar theater.
They're showing that Liam Neeson zeppelin movie.
(gruffly): He wasn't asking for trouble.
Trouble found him.
(door opens, closes) I'm gonna leave you anyway I'm gonna leave you anyway I'm gonna leave you anyway.
(indistinct chatter) (indistinct radio transmission) Sir (continues indistinctly) It's finally happening.
Called it, I called it! It's mine.
I called it.
(laughs) (hums) Hot, hot, not.
- Maybe without the braces.
- LINDSAY: Gretch? Has your office gotten bigger or have I gotten smaller? Neither.
I have had my eye on this office for years, so I took advantage of the current cultural climate and enacted some personal reparations on behalf of women everywhere.
You "Me Too-ed" a dude for his office? You know it! And here's the best part.
(gasps) Holy shit.
A bathroom in an office? It's like Inception for pooping.
(gasps) Oh, and it has one of those fancy Japanese toilets that washes your butt when you forget how to wipe.
- Ah! - But, but Prima nocta, bitch.
I break him in.
- So, what's up? - (sighs) I really think you're going to regret not having a wedding.
Oh, my God, Lindsay.
Just rent out a Chuck E.
Cheese or something.
This isn't about our birthday/wedding.
I just wanted to tell you marriage is hard.
Your wedding day is the one day it's fun.
Seriously, it's all downhill after the wedding.
That's just gravity.
You're gonna go against gravity? (snickers) I don't think so, Sandra Bullock, star of the hit film Gravity.
- What? - I want a party! Lindsay, stop.
Eloping is fine because the point is being hitched, not getting hitched, and if you'd ever actually been in love, you'd know that.
(scoffs) Why-why would you say that? Because when you divorced Paul, you told me you'd never been in love.
Okay, whatever.
I have to go to day work.
You forgot your dry cleaning.
It's not my dry cleaning.
It's actually a wedding dress I stole for you from work.
I brought it in case you didn't want to look shitty at your fake-ass non-wedding.
- Gretchen? - I called it! No, we just wanted to thank you for speaking out about Ryan.
Ryan? Wait.
This guy? He really was a harasser? U-Um, yeah.
Anyway, thanks.
You're a hero.
I am a hero.
(laughter) We're just so excited, Jimmy.
I still can't believe that my book is being made into a movie.
- (chuckles) - Well, believe it.
Oh, I absolutely believe it.
I was being folksy.
This thing is getting great reads all over town.
We're starting to hear takes next week.
Takes? Oh, brilliant.
And obviously, we'll run the screenwriter by you, as a courtesy, you know.
SHEILA: Thank you so much for stopping by.
And if you have any suggestions, we definitely want you to feel heard.
Wait, why would you hire someone else to write the movie of my book? Uh (laughs) Great, you want to throw your hat in the ring? That's fantastic.
- Uh - DAN: Yeah.
Why don't you come back in once you've nailed down your take? - MAN: Dan.
- Okay? - Ooh, sorry, guys, I got to run.
- Ooh.
Great seeing you, Jim.
Uh, that must be that, uh, big 1:00 meeting.
I really should What's a take? (groans) Stubborn bitch is being such a stubborn bitch.
She doesn't deserve that toilet.
Lindsay, you're-you're hurting my She said I've never been in love.
How dare she criticize my love life when she's eloping like a poor? This is bad, Lindsay.
Think about it.
If they're cutting us out of this, what's next? - Vacations? - Dog adoptions.
- Babies? - Shopping montages.
- Funerals? - That dress was our last hope, and she didn't even look at it.
Oh, this elopement is a slippery slope.
And we're sliding, Lindsay, we're sliding fast.
That's it.
I have to convince him to have a wedding.
Oh, buddy.
Oh, sweet, sweet buddy.
- Oh, sweet, sweet, sweet - What?! Edgar, Jimmy is smart.
And you're, well, Edgar.
(scoffs) I'm smart.
I've been tricking Jimmy into letting me live in his house for the last three years.
Hate to break it to you, but you're the dumb one of the group.
(giggles) What? No.
You're the dumb one.
- No, I'm the hot one.
- I'm the hot one.
(chuckles) The reason you think someone else is the dumb one of the group is because that's what the dumb one's supposed to think to protect them, 'cause if you were dumb and sad at the same time, then you'd kill yourself.
Now stick it back in me somewhere, dummy.
I'm not the dumb one, you're the dumb one.
JUSTINA (over computer): Gretchen? Gretchen.
Gretchen? Gretchen, are you okay? Gretchen! - Gretchen, is our session today? - How's Iowa? Oh, wait, literally no one cares about anyone in Iowa.
Anyway, I am eloping today.
And you feel conflicted about it? Uh, hell no.
I feel great about it.
They teach you to jump to conclusions in titty-sucking bitch school? I'm sorry.
- I know we're working on that.
- Thank you.
I meant titty-sucking bitch university! Oh! Goddamn it, I am killing it today.
Gretchen, I have work to do.
(sighs) So, I was 100 on this eloping thing, and then this box showed up with this dumb wedding dream book I made as a kid.
And I'm still into eloping, I just I don't know.
I'm just mad pissed.
- (sighs) - I told my simple-ass brother about this whole thing in secret, and he went and blabbed to his depressed postpartum sad wife.
It's like, maybe focus on keeping her from drowning my nephew, you loose-lipped dickwad.
Jesus Christ, Gretchen, what is going on with you? (scoffs) It's this stupid book! And on top of that, Lindsay brought me a wedding dress.
It's like the universe wants me to have a wedding? Sounds like you're more in touch with what you want then you realize, and if you're still having doubts I should try the dress on? I was gonna say go for a run, but sure, Gretchen, try on the dress and see how you feel about it.
Cool.
I'm glad I figured that out.
I'll Venmo myself ten bucks.
It's $150.
And you owe me for three months.
Anyways, I (chuckles) I hope you and Boone figure it out.
Who? (chuckles) Keep up, I'm marrying Jimmy.
Gretchen, you listen to me very carefully.
Do not marry Yeah, I feel nothing.
Nice.
(sighing) (urinating) - (water sprays) - Oh! (laughing) Yeah, I got 15 minutes.
Let's do this, toilet.
(moans) (water spraying) How dare they make me audition to write the movie version of my book? It's illogical and insulting.
And if that's the way that this industry works, then I shan't be party to any of it.
- No, I shan't indeed.
- Hey.
Let's not talk shop today.
Um, a toast.
To your wedding.
- (groans) - Since we won't actually - be there, I just want to say - Edgar, Edgar, Edgar, please, just save yourself the mental exertion you can clearly ill afford.
We're not having a wedding.
- No, but you - Moreover, if you truly knew us, you would understand the heterodox iconoclastic nature of a spontaneous elopement perfectly captures the renegade tale of our amorous union.
- So just save it.
- Ugh, fine.
I did bring you here to convince you to have a real wedding, but you painted such a beautiful word salad just now, I've changed my mind.
I guess Lindsay was right I am the dumb one of the group.
(snickers) Well, I guess eloping does make sense considering all the people whose weddings you've heckled over the years who'd just show up to bring you down.
(scoffs) Please! I am un-bring-down-able.
Nah, but weddings aren't.
(scoffs) Remember what you did to Becca and Vernon's? Ugh, what a low-rent, tacky affair.
I mean, the horrid music, the wretched decor, - my God, the food.
- (chuckles) There was nary a burrata bar to be seen.
Ooh, what kind of food would you have? Oh, well, my wedding would be catered by Roy Choi, - obviously.
- Oh, man, I love him.
The flowers would have to be sourced same-day from the flower mart, of course.
Color palette: Claude Monet, Rouen Cathedral, West Facade, Sunlight, 1892.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Day of the event, fade in.
It's dawn at Adamson House, and the fog is dense over the Pacific Ocean, like a perfect Christmas pudding.
(water spraying rhythmically) (moaning) (grunts) Omakase? (screaming) I'll have what I'm having.
- (water spraying) - (shuddering) And then a tasteful fireworks display over the ocean, scored to Mahler's Ich bin der Welt abhanden gekommen, would bring to a close the greatest wedding in the history of matrimony.
Resetting the very bar to which all couples aspire.
As espoused by Will Smith as Alex "Hitch" Hitchens in Hitch, "Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away.
" ALL: Oh (sniffles) That shit was beautiful, bro.
So when's this wedding? Oh, that was all hypothetical, lowly barkeep.
In fact, my fiancée and I are eloping at - (phone chimes) - 45 minutes ago.
Oh, dear God! - What'd you do, bro? - Jimmy, no.
Jimmy.
She thinks I've abandoned her.
Again.
Oh, no, Jimmy.
I guess you have no choice but to throw a real wedding.
- (phone ringing, buzzing) - (water spraying) (moaning) (water stops) (phone ringing, buzzing) Oh, God.
This is my fault.
This was my plan all along.
Well, not this.
Just the part where I bamboozle you into wanting a real wedding.
I didn't mean for you to leave Gretchen at the non-altar.
(flicks lighter) - I'm too powerful, Jimmy.
- Yeah, right.
We've already established that you're the dumb one.
Nice try, though, dummy.
Quick, give me a tube sock and some nickels.
I'll work you over, basic training style, and Gretchen will think you got jumped outside City Hall.
Edgar, that is moronic.
What kind of demented idiot would agree to something like that? Do it.
(yelling) (both yelling) Damn it, Gretchen! Stay still.
- (whimpers) - This is really hard for me.
I'm sorry, I thought I'd long ago lost my survival instinct, along with my gag reflex.
Oh, goddamn it! I can't believe I missed my wedding.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Gretchen, Gretchen.
I know this seems like a giant deal now, but in a few years, when you and Jimmy are Oh! Oh, no! Gretchen, I thought surprising you would work, but it worked too good.
I (screams) - Again.
- What? No.
Honey, once was hard enough.
I-I couldn't possibly (Gretchen grunts) That's for saying I've never been in love.
Oh, Jesus, but it's true! - (Gretchen yelps) - (yelling) Stop! Lindsay! Safe word! (yelling trails off) (panting) How do I look? Like Mickey Rourke was stung by bees.
- Perfect.
- (Gretchen sniffles) Sorry I said the thing about you never being in love.
It's okay.
It's true.
Just hurts to hear it out loud.
(Gretchen groans softly) (tires screeching) Oh, no.
My Snapple was in there.
(exhaling sharply) (whistles) I don't smell smoke.
And her car's not here.
(exhales) Oh, I I guess we're safe for now.
I wonder if there's a way that we can convince her that you manipulated me into missing the wedding? Oh, you mean my plan I actually did? Yeah, but in my fictitious version, it worked.
JIMMY: Okay, listen, Gretchen, I can Oh, my God! What happened?! (voice breaking): Oh, Jimmy, I'm still shaking.
I got in an insane accident.
Like, an inch away from being decapitated, Final Destination insane.
Oh, Jesus, are are you hurt? Yeah, but I guess I deserve it.
Oh, Gretchen, I'm so, so sorry.
Listen, the-the last thing I'd want you to think is that I'd abandoned you again.
And, uh, it's been absolutely killing me.
Wait.
You didn't show up? I mean, you didn't show up.
You didn't show up! Oh, what is wrong with you? You left me standing there in this dress? Do you know how stupid I looked? Do you know how humiliated I was? I'm so, so sorry.
You left me standing there, waiting for you on the street! Crying like I'm in some bad movie.
All the other couples in line were laughing at me! A homeless man hugged me 'cause he felt so bad! (crying) What is wrong with you, Jimmy? What? Oh, Gretchen.
You just couldn't help yourself, could you? (cries, sniffles) What are you talking about? You little ginger fool.
You say you were "waiting on the street" because you imagined City Hall was just some sort of kiosk or storefront, didn't you? No.
I Because you've never been there.
Not to pay a parking ticket, not to get married.
You didn't show up either! Yes, I did.
Why would I be wearing this dress - if I didn't? - See, when I mistakenly drank through our City Hall wedding, Edgar's first instinct was to use his penchant for violence to make it look as though I was set upon by ruffians.
Now something tells me, as the twin dummies of the group, Lindsay had a similar moronic idea.
It was my moronic idea! Mm.
Uh Fine.
I missed it, too.
(sighs) - Sit down, Gretchen.
- No.
- Oh, come on.
We can figure this out.
- No.
I know.
I just can't sit down right now.
(sighs) I missed the wedding 'cause I was banging my new toilet.
It's a long story.
Actually, it's not.
I just said the whole thing.
So, neither of us showed.
Do you think there's some deeper meaning? (Gretchen sighs) Gretchen Cutler's Wedding Diary.
I think I want a wedding.
A wedding? Are you mad? He wants one, too! Tell her about the fog, Jimmy.
The Christmas fog.
Oh.
(Jimmy sighs) (sighs) (laughter) YOUNG GRETCHEN: Dear Gretchen, if you're watching this, it's because I died.
Just kidding! It's because we're getting married! If everything's gone according to the plan, you're a hot 22-year-old marine biologist who's engaged to Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
- YOUNG GRETCHEN: He's so cute.
- You're no JTT, pal.
Okay.
So this is the must-have section.
A French lace gown with a ten-foot train, a chocolate fountain.
New Kids on the Block will perform.
For the complete list, refer to the must-haves section in our book.
I know it sounds fun, but marriage can be really scary.
So, if you ever get nervous, just remember you're making me really happy.
And don't forget to run everything by Mom, or you'll have to eat dinner in the scary room for bad girls under the stairs.
So should we pick a date? - August 7 is a nice - GRETCHEN and JIMMY: No.
("Baldy" by Mozes and the Firstborn playing) (Young Gretchen continues speaking indistinctly) Ah.
- JIMMY: Ah.
- (chuckling) Well, I know this can't be right Ooh, ooh Well, that's no fear, to fall behind Top of my head, it's on the top of my mind Well, that's no fear, to fall behind Top of my head, it's on the top of my mind Well, that's no fear, to fall behind My, my, my, my, my, my, my