Marge: I Googled girls having fun, and after wading through 97,000 pages of porn, I found crazy bowling.
Bart: Thanks for bringing me here, dad. I'll remember this day on my deathbed.
Homer: Not everyone has a deathbed, son. You could die suddenly.
Lenny: Three hours of half-naked guys fighting like animals.
Homer: Ask him.
Bart: Sir, could you sign my program with a swear word?
Homer: Ah yes, filthy but obscure with a subtle scatological undertone.
Homer: Now, listen, son, I know we saw some awesome beat-downs tonight, but remember: don't try this at home. Do it at the schoolyard. Someplace where, if you get hurt, we can sue not just them but the school, the county, the state, and that jackass Joe Biden.
Nelson: Python neck clinch and... out.
Nelson: Next victim.
Ralph: Ding! Ding! Ding!
Marge: Bart Simpson! I'm glad your father isn't here to see this.
Nelson: When I grow up, I hope to go into event planning.
Marge: Maybe someday you can do Lisa's wedding.
Nelson: I'd like that.
Homer: Ultimate Punching is exploitative, violent, and a bad influence on our young people. Studies have shown your mother is right.
Bart: What the...? Chocolate, whipped cream, cherries! she got to you with a piece of Black Forest cake.
Homer: It wasn't just a piece, it was the whole cake! Frosting like snow on the eaves of a Bavarian castle!
Bart: Glad you didn't come cheap.
Homer: I couldn't help it! She knew my one weakness, that I'm weak!
Homer: Five, six, who's got tix?
Man selling tickets: Seven, eight, use that gate.
Helen: Let's talk about Marge behind her back.
Bernice: Have you ever noticed how that baby of hers never says a thing?
Luanne: I think it saw something awful.
Helen: Me, too.
Edna: That's exactly what it is.
Luanne: What else could it be?
Chett: That woman has natural breasts. This can't be good.
Marge: What?! That's crazy.
Bart: Or kick the crap out of you.
Homer: Watch your language, moron.
Carl: You think just 'cause I'm black I know all other black people?
Master: Now, we stick foot in mouth, tie arms like pretzel, and pop discs in spine like bubble wrap.