100 Dates in Dallas (2026) Movie Script

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[traffic noise]
[man] All right, how are we
looking?
-Cameras are ready.
-Last looks, please.
Can I give you this?
-Of course.
-Thanks.
Makeup's clear.
-[bell ringing]
-[woman] Quiet on set.
Roll sound.
[woman] Sound speeds.
And camera speeds.
What's your story, Jeff Brock.
Take seven.
[clacks]
All right, Jeff, whenever you're
ready, we're going to pick up
from where we left off.
Just right to me, nice and easy.
So what's important to Jeff
Brock?
There were only two things that
I ever really wanted, a
successful
career and a normal life.
You know, a wife and a couple of
kids.
But my life has never been
normal.
And you had success very
early in your career, right?
I did.
I started booking some roles in
movies and TV shows, really
young.
And then before I knew it, I was
on the cover of fan magazines,
and I was every teenage girl's
fantasy.
[laughs] And then eventually, I
met a great girl,
and we got married, had my kids,
and life was good.
And then we moved out of LA to
Dallas to raise my children in
what I thought
would be a wholesome
environment.
And then...
And then?
Well, and then my normal
life, it turned to shit.
[typing noise]
[engine revving]
[car door clicks shut]
[birds chirping]
[water trickling]
[]
[pages flipping]
Mr. Brock?
Please come in.
[Jeff] I had a prenup.
A prenup.
And all my friends were going
through these horrible divorces
and losing their
kids, and my kids mean
everything to me.
And I couldn't imagine
having standard custody.
Who ever came up with that
ridiculous term anyway?
Standard? Custody?
You know what's standard?
The guy gets screwed.
That's what's standard.
The woman, she takes the house,
the money, the kids.
The guy gets screwed.
But you had a prenuptial
agreement.
Yeah, I did.
But then I got drunk and
sentimental one night after my
daughter was born,
and I ripped it up.
I freaking gave her everything
in exchange for no attorneys, no
divorce trial,
and guaranteed fifty-fifty
custody of my kids.
And that cost you a lot of
money?
A lot.
And now she's out there partying
and traveling with my money
and dating 22-year-olds.
And how does that make you feel?
Can I stand?
I really want to move.
-Can I stand?
-Of course.
[Jeff] How do I feel about it?
I feel like a loser.
I thought if anyone was going to
leave the marriage, it would
have been me.
I was I was famous.
I mean, TV, and then later on B
movies.
But still, I was somebody.
And then after the whole acting
thing, when that got tougher and
I started
working behind the camera, I
just...
Yes, I did read your file.
I found it very insightful,
particularly the part about your
-marriage to Karen at the time.
-Yeah, but we tried.
We tried, and we were hanging on
until she started playing
tennis.
-Tennis?
-[Jeff] Yeah, tennis.
The root of all evil, that
freaking little fuzzy yellow
ball
that leads to affairs, divorce,
facelifts, and boob jobs.
-Yeah, tennis.
-I'm not following.
Okay, women who don't work, they
go to the country club, right?
And then they get on the tennis
team, and then they have lunch,
and then they start drinking
white wine like Kool-Aid, and
they
all trash their husbands.
And then, like suicidal
lemmings, they all jump off the
cliff together,
leave their husbands, destroy
their families, and start
sleeping
with every tennis coach they
can find.
So... I-I understand that you
are transitioning
between the anger phase with
Karen into the grieving stage,
which is a completely normal
evolution of the divorce
process,
especially when you're in a
long-term relationship, and it
involves children.
[sighs]
Oh, So we don't have much time
left.
Is there anything specific that
you'd like to talk about today?
[clock ticking]
Yeah.
I'm lonely.
I want to date.
Someone. Someone real.
I just want to have some
social human contact again.
Because Karen, my ex, she jumped
on that dating bicycle
like it was the Tour de France.
So easy for her.
Old guys, young guys,
especially the young guys.
She gets invited everywhere for
free.
She doesn't have to pay for a
single meal. You know why that
is?
Because of the cave of
mysteries. Vagina.
She has the power of the vagina.
So what else?
What else besides not having a
powerful vagina, as you put it,
do you think is keeping you from
dating?
I don't know how to anymore.
I've got no game.
I've got no mojo.
I lost it.
I lost everything.
And why do you think that is?
[sighs]
Because everything's changed.
The last time I was single, I
had a flip phone and there was
no social media.
Nobody was checking in, liking
pics, posting pics of their food
none of this stuff.
It just wasn't a thing.
Go on.
Men just don't meet women
like they used to anymore.
And friends don't set up other
friends because middle-aged
divorce People are
batshit crazy, and nobody wants
to be responsible for inflicting
more crazy on their friends.
Have you considered
the online dating sites?
What? No, absolutely not.
I'm a celebrity. Well, was.
Kind of.
I can't think about going
online. Absolutely not.
Why?
What exactly are you afraid of?
I don't know.
I guess I'd be mortified.
[typing noise]
So this woman, Dr. Reader,
I feel like she gets me.
I can bear my soul to her.
And she hardly said a word.
She pretty much just
sat there and let me talk.
Takes the heat off of me.
-Man, how much are you paying
her?
-Sam.
Oh my God. Hi.
I meant to call you this week
about a house in your
neighborhood that just
came on the market, but I have
been so busy with the kids
-back in school and everything.
-Hey, no problem.
I'm having a party this weekend.
Please come. Hey, I'm Sam.
Oh, hi. I'm Tina.
This is Jeff.
Okay.
Oh, you're Carter Brock's dad,
right?
Yes. Yeah, I am.
My daughter, and your son
are in the same grade.
They have a love-hate
relationship going on, but I
think they
really like each other.
You know, playing hard to get.
She's a handful, but she's even
worse when she's with her dad.
Your wife is Karen, right?
Was recently divorced.
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
But you'll be fine.
Being single is like riding a
bike.
That's what I hear.
[laughs]
-You were married?
-Oh, God, no.
I mean, not anymore.
I've dated. A lot.
I just...
I'm taking a little time
off to focus on myself.
It was really nice to meet you.
-Maybe I'll see you around
school?
-Yeah.
-Really good to see you, Sam.
-Yeah.
Bye, all.
It was nice to meet you both.
Nice to meet you, too.
She's beautiful, and she seems
normal.
He just looks so familiar.
What did he say his name was?
Oh, the last name is Brock.
And his first name was Jeff.
Google him.
I'm so on it.
[phone keys tapping]
[laughs] Oh my God.
He still looks pretty good,
even with his shirt on.
Why haven't you introduced me to
her?
Look, I'm not getting involved
in your dating life after Karen.
Nope, not doing that again.
-Cheers.
-[glasses clink]
-Walk with me.
-Okay.
Sorry.
Good night, you all.
-Wait, you're leaving so soon.
-Oh, yeah.
-Early day tomorrow.
-Okay.
Well, have a good night, Tina.
Sam, I'm Jeff.
[laughing] We know who you are.
-You're the shirtless hunk.
-So embarrassing.
Oh, no, don't be embarrassed.
Use it.
-He just got divorced.
-Oh, yeah, I know.
I heard.
[laughs]
We've all been there, and we're
still standing, right, Tina?
Not if I can help it.
Hey, listen, I know this is
awkward.
You just seem so well adjusted.
I'm a new single parent.
I have absolutely no idea what
I'm doing.
Would you possibly be open
to grabbing some coffee?
Our kids are friends in school.
I just could use some advice.
My cell number's on there.
I don't drink coffee, but I do
eat lunch.
Call me.
Good night, you all.
See you all later.
[restaurant chatter]
Hey, listen up, shirtless hunk.
-You be careful with that one
now.
-Yeah?
Oh, yeah.
[]
Hi, Jeff. Good to see you again.
Thank you.
Hi.
Sorry, I'm late.
I had to park in the back.
Oh, it's okay. No problem.
I ordered us Pinot Grigio.
Hope that's all right.
That's perfect.
-So you like this place?
-Oh, yeah.
It's pretty popular.
It was a test.
I figured if you were still
married, there is no way you
would meet me here
because everyone in town would
see us.
Did you really think that I
was making up being divorced?
-[waiter] Here you are.
-Well, you know this town.
I really don't, but I'm starting
to.
-To the shirtless hunk.
-[glasses clink]
[Jeff] Come on in.
[woman] Thanks.
-[light switch flicks]
-Hmm.
I love your place.
Thank you.
[kisses]
-[groans]
-[thuds]
[kisses]
Powder room.
I'll be on the hall, to the
left.
I'll be right back.
[footsteps]
[woman] Do you have any wine?
Yeah, red or white.
[woman] White.
[fridge closes]
[wine pouring]
[woman] Are you ready?
I was cheer captain at the high
school where our kids go.
20 years later, and it still
fits.
Yes, it does.
-Trust me,
-[glasses clink]
half these menopausal
heifers couldn't get one thigh
in this skirt.
[chuckles]
[kisses]
You're not wearing any panties.
[chuckles] I never do.
[tearing]
Oh my God, you really
are the shirtless hunk.
[]
[knocking]
-Hey, we made it.
-Come in, come in.
Glad you guys could make it.
Look, we got plenty of food.
Mimosas, Vodka, pretty
much everything you want.
Thank you.
Vodka sounds great.
It's a little too early for me
and food.
[]
[vodka pouring]
So a little different than
Karen.
[gulping]
Unbelievable.
[vodka pouring]
[indistinct chatter]
Oh, I made you one.
-Thanks.
-Cheers.
[man at party] I had some
pilots, moved down low over this
herd, hundreds of wild beings.
We I'll bring down hellfire from
the end.
[coughs] Okay.
Here, wait. Wow.
-I just wanted to introduce
you to somebody over here.
-Oh!
[indistinct chatter]
They didn't know what hit him.
My little grandson, God bless
him, he took down 15 hogs with
this little
bump stock that I'd cut down for
him.
Jeff, what do you think of that?
Yeah, it sounds different.
It was more than different.
It was a hell of a lot of fun.
I know you're not from here.
You're not I'm not from Texas,
but you ever shoot hogs?
Yeah, I don't know anybody
who does that in Los Angeles.
[man] Damn, Liberals.
I hear they'll throw paint
on a pretty lady's fur coat.
You're not one of those paint
throwers, are you, baby?
[blowing]
Would you just stop it, please?
-Excuse me?
-I'm sorry.
-Who?
-Fuck you, Jeff Brock.
-Who do you think you are?
-[scoffs] What?
I'm out of here.
[footsteps]
-[door slams]
-[Jeff] Yeah, I'm sorry,
everyone.
She's just had a little too much
to drink.
[door squeaks open]
You have my keys.
-Give me my damn keys.
-[keys jangling]
[grunts]
[glass clacks]
-[door slams]
-So nice meeting, everyone.
That's my cue.
-So things did not go as
expected.
-Well, they did.
At first.
Until she guzzled down a pile of
screwdrivers
and went haywire, insulting me
in front of a room of complete
strangers,
punctuated by the denigration of
my former acting career, I might
add.
You B-Movie has been?
And now the entire neighborhood
is whispering behind my back.
Welcome to the neighborhood,
Jeff.
It's a tough town.
[sighs] No shit.
I thought the people here would
be way less judgmental because
they go to church.
But the hypocrisy in Dallas
is way worse than it is in LA.
At least in LA, they're screwed
up, but they know it and they
admit it.
But you got back in the game,
and that's a good step forward.
Maybe you're just fishing
too close to home.
I counsel a lot of single
people, and they have great
success dating online.
And they say that they can
filter people by age, proximity,
physical
attributes, and interests.
I don't know.
I know you're concerned about
your anonymity, but you don't
have
to use your real the name.
You can choose who sees your
profile and who you respond
to and who you reach out to.
I mean, I guess it couldn't get
any worse than what I just went
through.
I'll run it by my friend Sam.
At least he's still talking to
me.
And does Sam give good advice.
[Jeff] The worst.
Whenever I ask for Sam's
opinion, whatever it is, I just
do the opposite.
And that works.
Like a charm.
[Jeff] Online dating.
I just feel like everybody's
doing it, especially these days.
How does it work?
I mean, honestly, you just sign
up. Shit.
I hit them all just to cover my
bases.
[laughs] I don't know.
I don't think so.
It just makes me so nervous.
What if somebody recognizes me?
[seagulls squawking]
No, man, I'm just going to take
my time.
I want to meet somebody
the old-fashioned way.
Tick tock, brother.
Can't stop that clock.
Hey, you remember Tina, don't
you? Dina's friend?
Well, she and I keep in touch.
You and Tina? I knew it.
Anyway, she knows
a lot of people in town.
It could be a good resource. I
told her she should stop by and
see you.
-See me?
-Yeah.
She's selling some skincare
shit, and she'll probably make
you buy some face cream.
Count on it.
But she might hook you up with a
female.
Okay.
[]
[knocking]
-Hi, come on in.
-Hey.
-Thank you so much for letting
me come by.
-My pleasure.
-Kitchen's this way.
-Hey.
[Tina] So the secret ingredient
is the cassava melon.
Sorry about what happened
with you and Dina.
You know her. She's a wild one.
I could have told you that, but
you and I didn't really know
each other yet.
That's okay.
I know a lot of cute girls.
Isn't this mask great?
Don't talk.
Doesn't it feel great?
I got a lot of guys I'm
trying to start using it.
I'm trying to get Sam to use it,
too.
It'll make his skin look so
good.
So guess what?
I have the most beautiful girl
for you to meet, but you got to
buy
some product from me first.
[laughs]
I don't really mean it, but I
really wish you would, and I'll
set you up.
You want to see a picture?
She's really hot.
-Mm-hmm.
-Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Mm-hmm.
So I'll pack up the whole
thing for you, okay?
You are going to look so good.
And the best part is I've set
you up an auto pay, so you don't
have to worry about ever
ordering again.
It'll just show up on your
credit card. Isn't that great?
-Mm-hmm.
-Yeah.
[]
When Tina told me that you were
an actor, I thought you were
going
to be some broke dick.
Oh, thanks.
You know, I was actually
involved in some movies.
Yeah, I left home when I was 16.
I went to work for this film
company, and this guy who like
totally had the hots
for me, he actually worked in
pornos, and we called him Porno
Dave.
I mean, I worked behind the
camera, setting up insert shots,
the lighting,
helping girls clean off
afterwards.
I mean, stuff like that.
[Jeff] Dear God, please help me.
[glasses clink]
So did you ever...
Mmm.
Just because I got paid to watch
people have sex doesn't mean
that I did.
[exclaims] Jeff, that's gross.
Anyways, Dave wanted me to, and
he thought that he was grooming
me
and that eventually I would give
in.
Then I just kept putting him off
by letting him jack off
on my feet every now and then.
He had this major foot thing,
and I have really pretty feet,
so he gave me a bonus
whenever I'd let him do it.
And then I went to aesthetician
school.
Yeah, and here I am all these
years later, just injecting shit
into people's faces.
And I am really, really good at
it.
Hey, buddy.
I've been meaning to call you.
-You know Albert's wedding is
coming up.
-Mm-mm.
[Jeff] Crazy just trumped hot.
Hey, Keith.
This is Donya.
Hi, I'm Loni.
-Like Toni with an L.
-Mm-mm.
-Mm-mm.
-Hey, what are you doing?
They can hear you.
Sorry, we just had a little wine
tonight.
-I should probably get her home.
-Yeah, no problem.
-Can we have your table?
-Yeah, sure.
And let's catch up next week.
Mm-mm.
[]
So what are you going to do now?
I don't know. Just these women
I've been seeing.
They've been nightmares.
No wonder they're all divorced.
You need to get online.
I'll help you write up a
profile, and we could take some
pics
that the ladies are like.
No string of fish and no
shirtless selfies in the
bathroom the mirror.
The women hate that shit, but
the guys just keep on doing it.
I'm not getting online.
I'm not going to do it.
Besides, Tina already called me
after she heard about what
happened with Donya.
She hooked me up with another
friend.
We already Face-Timed. Brunette.
Beautiful.
I mean, real sweet.
So I'm bringing her as my date
to the Albert Flores wedding.
Don't you know nothing?
You never supposed to take
a woman to a wedding.
Come on. What's the worst that
can happen?
-[Sam sighs]
-It's fine. You'll see.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[typing noise]
[]
[engine revs]
[woman sighs]
Mmm.
I really needed this.
The kids were driving me crazy.
Mmm.
[kisses]
You're even hotter in person.
-[laughs]
-You look fantastic.
You ready?
Can't go in with this.
[gulps] Whoa.
[chuckles]
Let's go.
Repeat after me.
A token of the vows made between
us.
-[groom] A token of the vows
made between us.
-I'm going to marry you.
[minister] With this ring, I
pledge to you my love and my
life.
I divorced very well, so we're
I'm going to need a prenup.
Mmm.
I now pronounce you husband and
wife.
You may kiss the bride.
[]
[clapping and cheering]
[]
Stars of the show.
Those dresses are cute.
-Good to see you.
-[glasses clinking]
Hey, buddy.
Albert asked me to hurry
up the photographer.
He hates her family and wants to
get these photos over with ASAP.
-Look after Sasha for me.
-Of course.
Nice to meet you, Mary Jane.
[laughter]
So, what do you do, Sasha?
I'm a flight attendant.
Oh, is that a good living?
It's okay.
Honestly, I need to work more.
But since I met Keith, he's just
been wanting me to be together
with him.
And it's so weird.
We've spent almost every night
together, and we've never had
sex.
He doesn't even try.
[laughs] Sounds pretty weird to
me. Is he gay?
[laughs]
Keith isn't gay.
He's just going through
some health issues.
He's going to be fine.
Just give it a little bit of
time.
You guys are going to be great.
That's sweet.
-[gasps]
-[fluid splashing]
So sorry.
Fuck.
These are $1,500 shoes.
This fucking cheap champagne's
all over my $1,500 shoes.
I'm going to go to the bathroom
and try to get this shit off my
shoes.
And hopefully, when I get back,
they're done with the wedding
photos
and we can sit the fuck down.
Fuck.
[]
Wow. Must be nice.
I don't even make $1,500
take home most months.
There was absolutely
nothing nice about that.
I have to apologize.
I'm sorry, she's clearly
been drinking a little bit.
I'm sorry.
You're sweet.
I'm going to go look for Keith.
Okay.
[Jeff] You've known Keith for a
long time.
Oh, yeah, like 10 years.
I'm sure you've got some
stories.
Can you remember that time in
Cabo, though?
Okay.
So we were in Cabo,
and then he came out in his
flip-lops with his little tiny
shorts.
[laughs] That's so Keith.
Hey, sorry.
I got caught up talking
to Keith's friends.
This is Holly and Amy.
This is Mary Jane.
Hi, Holly.
And I'm out of here.
Excuse me.
Hey, wait, what's going on?
Fuck you.
And fuck those blonde bitches.
[Jeff] I don't understand.
Did they do something to you?
Those are Tina's friends.
Fuck Tina.
And fuck all those fake diamond
a dozen blondes with their fake
tits and their
fake eye lashes and their fake
tans.
You've got to calm down.
You can't just go off
on people you don't even know.
Do you know what it's like
growing up here with dark hair
and dark
eyes and small boobs?
No, I don't know what that's
like.
Bleach blonde bitches.
Fuck them and fuck you.
I'm getting an Uber, and you can
go be with your little
blonde bitch booby girls!
[grunts]
[]
-Sorry about that.
-[laughs]
That was really hard to watch.
-It was really hard to
experience.
-Here.
This will help.
She's freaking insane.
How the hell did you meet her?
She's just friends
with Keith's friend, Tina.
Should have been your first
clue.
Every time we meet, your
experiences seem to have the
same outcome.
Yet in every visit, you express
the same level of concern.
Why is that?
I don't know.
Is it too much to expect that
sooner or later, something's
going to change?
Is it me?
Am I just too far out of step
now?
Because I feel like I'm asking
for something that doesn't exist
anymore.
Come here.
Women in your age group are past
the point of being timid about
sex.
They're also past the point of
waiting for a man to make the
first move.
The first move?
First states often cause a high
level of anxiousness with some
people,
and so they may try to combat
that anxious feeling with
alcohol.
And alcohol weakens inhibitions.
I'd say it slaughters them.
[TV roaring]
[TV gunshots]
-[phone ringing]
-What's up?
I finally did it.
Did what? Went home with Tina's
friend. The brunette?
[Jeff] What? No, no, no.
That was over before it even
started.
And I hate to admit it,
but Yes, you were right.
Not to bring a first date to a
wedding. That was a disaster.
-So what did you do?
-[Jeff] I finally gave in.
I joined a dating site,
Millionaires Matchups.com.
Millionaires, huh?
Well, I don't think very many
people in here are actually
millionaires,
but I thought maybe I'm going
to find a classier girl.
Yeah?
Well, let me tell you something.
They're the sugar and you're the
daddy, in case you didn't know.
-Any luck so far?
-Honestly, it's
been crazy so far.
It's like fishing with a net.
You need to get at least a dozen
dates on your belt before you
jump
in to anything too deep.
I only want one thing out of all
of this.
What's that?
Details.
Details, huh?
-[birds chirping]
-[car approaching]
[door clicks open]
Daddy, Daddy, I miss you.
Come here.
-[grunts] I miss you, too.
-What's up, dad?
-How are you doing?
-Good, good.
Okay, this is the plan.
Topside golf, hit some balls,
get some dinner while we're out
there.
What do you say?
And we also have to be home by
nine
because it's a school night.
Sure, we'll get you back by
nine.
-Are you ready to go on...
-Adventure.
And adventure! Let's go.
[Jeff] All right, in the car, in
the car.
[car door shuts]
[birds chirping]
[car door shuts]
All right, buckle up, everyone.
[engine revs]
So, my friend Sam, he lives by
the adage that
the crazy hot matrix, it always
prevails.
I mean, the hotter they are,
the crazier they are.
I used to think that this was
just some viral internet joke.
Now I think it's scientific
fact.
[typing noise]
There are so many scammers out
there.
I googled you and you really
are who you say you are.
I remember you from the reruns
of that old series, The Arizona
Trail.
Did you google me?
I did.
I saw that you were an
influencer, and you haven't been
arrested yet.
-Well done.
-Hey, you're funny.
I like that.
Okay, so what's a guy
like you doing online?
I just haven't had much luck
with friends recommendations
recently, so I thought
I'd broaden my horizons
geographically.
You're in Austin, right?
I am.
Hey, if you're free tomorrow,
you should drive down, maybe
after traffic.
There is a great hotel here
with a fabulous restaurant.
I think you'd love it.
Maybe we could eat early, like
5:30-ish, and then I could show
you around.
Yeah, that actually sounds
perfect.
Send me the details,
and I'll see you tomorrow.
[]
[jet whooshing]
Lacy?
Hi, Jeff.
Hey, I have to say this hotel is
great.
How was your drive?
Really easy.
Oh, you're really stunning.
You sound surprised.
I mean, I know I saw you on
FaceTime.
Sure, but the screen
doesn't do you any justice.
Plus, I've learned
to limit my expectations.
[laughs]
Thank you.
[bartender] Hey.
Hi. Can I just have what she's
having?
Coffee, but make mine decaf?
Ladies having Spanish coffee,
151 Rum and Kahlua.
Oh.
In that case, just put a shot of
Bushmills in mine, but still
decaf.
And I'll have another. Thanks.
[Jeff] Two shots of Kahlua and
two shots of 151?
Here we go.
You know you look pretty good
yourself, by the way, even with
a shirt on.
Online, it looks like you
didn't even own a shirt, so.
[laughs]
Oh, and that shot of you from
that show you wear the speedo
in?
-[groans]
-[both laughing]
I bet you never thought that the
internet would explode and
everybody would
be zooming in on your package.
No, honestly, it's humiliating.
I mean, actually, at the time,
it was just a job.
I didn't know the photographer
was going to end up leaking them
online.
[Lacy laughing]
[bartender] Here you go.
Thank you.
Thank you.
-Cheers.
-Cheers.
-[glasses clinking]
-[giggles]
[]
I'm sorry. Excuse me.
This is actually really sweet.
Could I just do a vodka soda
with a twist of lemon instead?
-Sure.
-Oh, that actually sounds good.
I'll have one of those, too.
Wait, I'm actually not a big
soda girl.
Can I just get a double vodka on
the rocks, fresh lime juice,
salted rim?
-Thanks.
-Coming right up.
[]
I'll have another one of these
when you get a second.
You know, you're awfully cute,
you fucker.
[kisses]
You motherfucker.
Last one's on the house.
Loved you in Midnight Eyes 3.
Thank you.
-Could we order some food,
please?
-No, not me.
I will have a double vodka on
the rocks, lime juice, salted
rim.
Thank you.
Can we just do a shrimp
cocktail for a starter?
I'll bring that right away.
[Jeff] Oh, my God. How does this
keep happening to me?
Are you sure you don't want to
put some food in your stomach
before
you have another drink?
No, I do not.
You know what you have?
-What's that?
-You have a room upstairs.
[Jeff] Absolutely not. No way.
No.
Let's go upstairs.
Okay, so I have an early morning
tomorrow, and I think we should
just put
you in an Uber and get you home.
I'm not leaving my car here,
and I'm not taking an Uber,
and I can't drive,
so you're taking me upstairs.
You fucker.
[Jeff] Lacy.
Hang on. What are you doing?
[chuckles] What does it look
like I'm doing?
Okay.
No, no, no, no. Here, here.
Put this on, please.
-There. Arms up.
-[Lacy giggling]
-Oh!
-[Lacy giggles]
There we go.
You're really putting clothes on
me.
You don't think I'm hot?
-I'm hot, you fucker.
-Yes, no.
You're very hot.
But it's cold in here.
[Jeff] She is too freaking
hammered. Think fast.
Give her a massage.
She'll pass out and you
can get some sleep.
Okay, here.
Turn around. There we go.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, look, you're tense.
-There we go.
-Are we having sex?
What? No, no, no.
Just rubbing your shoulders.
You're very tense.
Just a little massage.
I want you to relax.
And then we're having sex?
Yeah, just close your eyes.
Close your eyes. There we go.
There we go.
[thuds]
[gasps]
Oh, my God.
Where am I?
Oh, shit. It's you.
Oh, I'm so drunk.
[Jeff] No, no, just pretend
you're asleep.
Let her calm down. Hopefully,
she'll go back to bed.
You fucker.
You motherfucker.
[Jeff] I'm sorry, please. Stop.
Get some sleep. I'm wiped out.
I have to get up early in the
morning.
Did you hear him?
He's wiped out.
He has to get up early in the
morning.
You... fucker.
[Jeff] Stop.
You motherfucker.
[Jeff] Please stop, please stop.
You motherfucker. [laughs]
Okay, that's it. That's it.
That's it.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, this would be fun.
I don't care that you're drunk,
drugged, whatever it is.
I'm not taking another
second of your crazy shit.
Come on, get yourself. Get out.
Go, get purse. Grab your purse.
I'll help you with your things.
Go, this way.
Door, that way.
[door slams]
There, now you're blocked.
You fucker.
It was a beating.
Three hours to get there.
Gas, drinks, a lot of them.
Hotel room and parking for the
night, and then four hours in
traffic, going home.
Absolute total nightmare.
And this was a girl that seemed
so normal and promising.
Ended up being the worst by far.
Well, at least up until that
point.
[typing noise]
[woman] I broke up with my
fianc yesterday.
You're my first
millionaire match-up date.
I mean, I'm so happy we met.
I like you so much.
I have court tomorrow with my
ex-husband over child support.
Do you want to go with me?
But you're going to have to pick
me up. My car died.
I need a new one, and my credit
sucks.
Hey, do you know any car guys?
Can we stop and get some cereal,
milk,
and eggs before you take me
home?
I need to get some food for the
kids.
[]
Okay.
[kisses]
Oh, my gosh.
I want you so bad.
I'm gonna give you this.
[moaning]
[record scrathing]
-Hey.
-[tapping]
Can't do this here.
Yeah, sorry.
We're just heading out.
Hey, ain't you that guy
from Midnight Eyes?
-Yeah, I am.
-I knew it.
You were a badass security
guard, man.
You made me proud.
Loved you in Midnight Eyes.
Loved you in Midnight Eyes 3,
too.
[typing noise]
[]
These dating sites can be so hit
or miss,
-but you're really refreshing.
-Thank you.
You, too.
I've had a wonderful night,
but I guess it's time we get
you back home with your kids.
No, I'm good.
You're so sweet for asking.
I needed a break, so I booked a
room.
-[keys jangling]
-Come, walk me.
Mmm.
-[laughs]
-[elevator dings]
Come in for a minute.
Sure.
I am so hot for you. [moans]
I need it right now. Come here.
Hey!
Slow, slow, slow down.
We just met.
But I really like you.
[moans]
-Come on.
-Oh, come on, I'm a doctor.
I see patients all day.
I go home to my husband who's a
wimp, and he's boring, and I'm
sick of him.
At least he's there to watch the
kids when I'm gone, but I need
sex.
I can't go home to him without
it.
[Jeff] Come on, come on.
This is not a good idea.
STDs, AIDS, no condoms.
Come on, you're a doctor,
and you live with your husband.
You're married.
You have little kids at home.
This is not a good combination.
I know everything that you're
saying is true, and I don't
care.
I really should get going.
Come on, don't, please. I can't
believe you're turning me down.
I do this all the time.
[typing noise]
Thank you for dinner.
You're a great talker.
You're lucky you asked
me out before Wednesday.
Why Wednesday?
Because me and my girlfriend
have this rule that if a guy
asks you out
for the weekend after Wednesday,
you say no, even if you have
zero plans and sit at home
alone.
I've never heard of that rule
before.
Oh, it's a real rule.
[laughing]
Dinner was so good,
and I love talking to you.
me too.
My girlfriends think that you
are so cute, and it's a big plus
that you
haven't texted any of them.
Not sure what that means.
My girlfriends and I we're all
single, so we're all on the same
website,
and a lot of the same guys will
text us.
And we'll compare notes,
[laughs] especially when they
use the same lines
and just cut and paste it to a
few of us.
People do that?
Wait, how many guys are you
and your friends talking to?
I mean, you talk to a whole
bunch of guys, and then you
narrow it down to five or
six, and then you whittle that
down to two or three, and then
down to one
that seems most promising.
Online dating is a big numbers
game.
-So you know what tonight is?
-Uh, Thursday.
[laughs] It's the dreaded third
date.
And what's dreaded about that?
My girlfriends and I, we have
this rule that if you go out
with a guy
three times, it's either
moving forward or it's not.
So are we moving forward?
We're still getting to know each
other.
We really just met. Right.
So I assume moving forward
is being exclusive?
Well, my girlfriends and I,
we think you just know.
And clearly, you don't.
Wait a minute. That's it?
Am I going to see you again?
No, you won't.
You had your chance.
I'm not making this up.
This actually happened.
[therapist] I believe you.
-Sounds like a lot of rules.
-Yeah, well, it is.
It certainly seems like
you're casting a wider net.
But the wider the net, the
greater variety of the catch.
Yeah, this has definitely
been eye-opening.
That's for sure.
And don't tell me there are
plenty of fish in the sea.
I know that.
But I do think that you're
coming around to the notion that
a meaningful
relationship is more than just
putting two like-minded people
together in a room.
I never said that.
I don't think that.
-Did I say that?
-You didn't say it.
-Your behavior showed it.
-You know what I think?
I think I need my own set of
rules.
[car approaching]
Marrit, hi.
Jeff, how are you?
I heard you move to the
neighborhood.
I'm sorry to hear about your
divorce, but it's good for the
Jews, no?
Yes, thank you. I just moved in.
It's fully furnished.
Walls are a little beige.
Karen got all the artwork.
You know, I get a discount
at all of the local galleries.
I never pay retail.
Just ask my husband.
-How is Irwin?
-Irwin? [sighs]
Revolting.
He has elephantiasis of the
scrotum.
His testicles are the size of
grapefruits. It's disgusting.
I am sure he got some disease
from one
of his bimbos, but I pretend not
to know,
and he gets satisfied.
So better them than me.
So I am going to go home and
shower, but I know where you
live.
I could come back later
and give you some ideas.
Today?
Sure.
Yeah, I guess I could work.
Sam's stopping by to see the new
place, and then I have dinner
tonight,
but we'll be done well before
then, right?
Oh, that's up to you.
I'll see you soon.
-[car door shuts]
-[engine starting]
[gravel crunching]
[car door shuts]
-Hey, Sam, what's up?
-Marrit?
Really?
Be careful. She used to be in
the Israeli army.
Hey, slow down. She's married.
That ain't never stopped Marrit.
Hey, let's hear it.
I want dating details.
If you really want to know,
it's a feeding frenzy.
It's freaking crazy.
And they got all these rules,
the Wednesday rule, the
three-date rule.
I'd have had my fair share of
dates, but I ain't never heard
of no three-date rule.
It's a thing.
[footsteps]
Excuse me. Can I just ask you a
quick question?
You ever hear of the three-date
rule?
Of course. Everyone here goes by
the three-date rule.
-Can you explain it to my
friend?
-Sure.
If you go out with a guy three
times, you fuck him.
Thank you.
Man, how much is this new
feeding frenzy cost you so far?
What are you talking about?
I don't pay to try to have
sex with these women.
You pay one way or the other.
If you're married, you pay.
If you're single, you pay.
Hey, read my lips.
There's no such thing as free
pussy.
It's going to cost you someway,
somehow.
-I guess you're right.
-You damn right, I'm right.
It's probably a good thing, too,
with all this pound me too shit.
What?
Pound me too?
What are you saying?
Pound sign, me too.
It's #metoo.
Man, I don't know what the hell
a hashtag is, but the pound sign
has been
around for thousands of years.
And whatever millennial fool
renamed a thousand-year-old
symbol,
a fucking hashtag,
doesn't mean I got to play
along. I ain't no sheep.
Forget it. Let's go inside.
Got to get ready for my next
date.
I just want a real connection.
I'm tired of being treated
like a piece of meat.
Man, you're a glutton for
punishment.
[knocking]
[footsteps]
-Is this a good time?
-This is perfect.
I was just getting ready
to go out to dinner.
You definitely made a pop of
color on these walls.
Lucky I know what to do.
Overall, not too bad, though.
Well, thanks.
I mean, nobody really
sees it except for me.
And that is what we need to
change.
You know, Irwin is out of town,
and we have all night if we
want.
Remember, I have dinner What's
your plan?
Boychik, I'll make you
forget all about food.
-[cracking]
-Ow, you're hurting me.
-I know.
-[thuds and grunts]
Wait, did you learn that in the
army?
-Oh, please tell me you are
circumcised.
-Well, yes.
[Marrit] Thank God.
After Irwin's testicles, I
couldn't take another
aberration.
-[grunting]
-Hang on, hang on.
This is not a good idea.
You're married.
-I know Irwin.
-So. Irwin is a
disgusting chazzer, a pig.
-Yes, but we...
-Shh.
Marrit needs a release.
-[panting]
-[item rustling]
Ahh.
What's that?
Bootleg Quaalude... Make us
crazy, and we make love all
night.
[spits]
[spits]
[grunts]
Hey, look, this is a really bad
idea.
And no, you can't stay here
tonight.
I have dinner plans, and I'm
not taking some bootleg drug.
You little shit.
You, of all people, you get back
on this sofa right now and you
make me come.
No.
I'm sorry. This is a mistake.
I have dinner. I have to leave.
Take your time.
Show yourself out.
You are nothing like your
cheap movies, Jeff Brock.
You are a little bitch.
[scoffs]
[keys jangling]
[typing noise]
[]
I don't have a car right now,
and I have work in the morning,
and my office is right next
door.
So you have two choices.
You can take me home and fuck me
with that big cock of yours and
then drop
me off at work in the morning,
or you can take me all the way
home,
which is an hour each way.
Your choice.
[]
Yeah, I only drink vodka.
And ever since my husband died,
it's cocktail hour for me all
the time.
Did I tell you?
I have a really big clit.
[]
So at first I thought it was the
alcohol that was the common
denominator that was
causing all this inappropriate
behavior.
But some of them are even
crazier when they're stone cold,
sober.
I don't get it. I don't.
And I'm trying to do everything
that I can just to find somebody
who's normal.
So what you're saying is you're
a magnet for the crazy train.
Is that it?
Bro, you are the common
denominator. You ever think
about that?
So tell me this.
Every woman in town goes
from zero to horny in
2.5 cocktails.
Then they transmogrify
into the night of the Living
Dead and want to shove pills
-down her mouth in yours.
-Yes.
Now, that's some crazy shit.
[laughs]
[typing noise]
[kisses]
Your lips are so soft.
They're like a Rolls-Royce.
[laughs] Have you ever said that
to anyone before?
No, and honestly, it just
slipped out.
Because that sounds just like
something our lover would have
said.
Our lover?
Yeah.
Probably not great first-date
talk, but I believe in full
disclosure.
And I kind of like you, so here
it goes.
After a few years, my ex-husband
and I decided to have an open
marriage.
We had a lover, a woman, a few
of them actually, but only one
at a time.
At first it was cool and sexy,
but then after a while,
he started to gravitate more
towards them.
According to him, it was because
they swallowed and I don't.
Then once he came,
I couldn't even do my move.
Your move?
I have this move.
If you were inside of me, I
hunch my pelvis and grind it in
a
certain way, and then I just go
crazy.
Anyway, he started to think it
was okay to see them without me,
and our marriage just went away.
Yeah, wow. That's a lot.
Like I said, I'm all
about full disclosure.
Have you ever considered that
your film career might be part
of your problems?
What? No.
Not really.
I don't know. Maybe.
You've already told me that some
of your dates have googled you
in advance of meeting.
That means they've seen you in a
series of revealing photographs.
The shirtless hunk...
I guess I have to make you
want to see me, don't I?
Perhaps they've seen you in your
movies and your love scenes with
a variety of young starlets.
-Let me at least give you a
blowjob.
-Hey, stop.
Yeah, but that was just a job.
It's acting.
It's fantasy. It's not real.
True.
But is it too much to consider
that they might think that
they're
part of this fantasy as well?
Come on, you can't be serious.
Can't I?
[typing noise]
[thunder crashing]
[rain pouring]
The rain.
Oh, I love the rain.
This is beautiful.
Oh.
[rain pattering]
You know?
You have an artist spirit.
-I am artist, too.
-You're an artist.
What kind of art?
I am tambourine artist.
Also ballerina, also Olympics
swimmer.
Tambourine art? What is that?
I'll show you.
-[tambourine jangling]
-[thuds]
[clears throat]
[tambourine jangling]
[screams]
[rolls tongue]
[tambourine crashing]
You like?
I take lessons twice a week.
-It shows.
-Mmm.
[typing noise]
And my son, Hunter,
he's such a good student.
He goes to SMU and loves it.
And his girlfriend, Sheranda,
is the cutest thing.
And everybody thinks she's
black, but she's not, because of
her name.
[Jeff] Please, please stop
talking.
My jaw hurts from pretending
to smile all night.
I'm not listening to a word
you're saying.
I just want to leave.
Anyway, they met at SMU, and
they are just the cutest couple.
And as you know,
SMU is not easy to get into.
-So I go to see them a lot.
-Excuse me, check, please.
Wait, I'm not done.
-I want dessert.
-Are you sure?
I mean, sure.
The lady would like some
dessert, please.
I will have another glass of
wine.
And do you have fresh
berries and whipped cream?
Yes, we do.
Great.
How Is your whip cream made?
Uhmm...
I'm not sure I understand.
A whip cream is made with heavy
whipping cream, vanilla extract,
and sugar.
Unless they add some flavoring.
So she's just going to do the
berries and whip cream, please.
-And thank you.
-Wait, I want to know how it's
made.
I just told you how it's made.
Well, I'd like to know
for sure how it's made.
[chuckles]
I'm quite sure it's what he just
said.
I want her to ask the chef.
I will speak to the chef.
[plates clanking]
[Jeff] Why does this keep
happening to me?
I just need to stop dating.
God, I can't stand another
minute of this.
[waitress] Here you go.
I spoke to the chef, and it's
exactly as the gentleman said,
fresh whipping cream,
vanilla, and cane sugar.
Great. I'll have it then.
[chuckles]
Mmm. That is so good.
I just wanted to make sure it
wasn't that old, canned stuff.
So the real question was not how
is your whipped cream made?
It was actually whether or
not it was canned or fresh.
The whipped cream is great.
We're good.
-Thanks.
-Can I get you anything else?
-Maybe some coffee?
-Oh, no coffee.
Just the check, please.
And here's my card.
-Thank you.
-What's your hurry?
I want to sit and talk to you.
But we've already talked so much
already.
-[woman laughs]
-At least you have.
What does that mean?
You've done absolutely nothing
but just talk about yourself for
two straight hours.
You haven't asked me once
anything about myself, my life.
I mean, really about
anything for that matter.
That's really mean.
I'm not trying to be mean.
I'm just telling you the truth.
That's no way to get to know
somebody.
I-I thought it was going so
well.
How could you possibly
think this was going well?
We're obviously not going
to see each other again.
How can you say that?
Look, I'm sorry, but
I just have to be honest.
You berated our poor waitress
over how to make whipped cream.
This is Le Petite Moule, for
God's sakes. It's not Denny's.
[Jeff clears throat]
[Jeff] Thank you.
I really need to leave.
I'm sorry.
I know you Ubered here, and so
I'm happy to drop you off
wherever
you need, or I could send
an Uber for you if you'd like.
I--
-[woman sniffs]
-Why are you crying?
Because I liked you.
You don't know anything about
me.
You had two hours to find out.
I'm not going anywhere.
I'm staying here.
I can get my own Uber.
Are you sure?
Okay, because I'm really
uncomfortable, and I can't sit
here for another minute.
Just go, then.
[sobbing]
[typing noise]
[]
Dione?
Oh, hello Jeff.
-So nice to meet you. [kisses]
-Oh, hi.
Hi. I brought coffee, and
croissants.
Thank you very much.
How about we share them and take
a walk?
I'm sorry for staring.
You're just so much
prettier than your photos.
-[laughs]
-But yes, I would love
to go for a walk with you.
Yeah.
Wait, so how do you say it?
Le Petit Chou.
-Le Petit Chou.
-Mmm-hmm.
-And what does this mean?
-Little Cabbage.
Little Cabbage.
And that's a term of endearment?
Mmm-hmm. Yeah.
The water is so beautiful.
Yeah, almost as beautiful as
you.
[laughs]
Look, Jeff, I really like you,
but I have this three-dates rule
before I sleep with someone.
Yeah, I hear that's the thing
around here.
A coffee and croissant count as
breakfast, so we can get lunch
if you're free
and dinner if you're free and
get it all out of the way today.
Hmm?
So you want to do three dates in
one day?
God, you make me want you now.
I have a confession.
-Already?
-I hope you don't judge.
No, of course.
I'll try to keep an open mind.
I want you in my derrire.
It is my preference.
A little bit more.
The little death.
Orgasm 10 times more strong.
I hope that is okay.
You mean as a condiment or a
main course?
As a main course.
Damn, that's like having Grey
Poupon for breakfast, lunch, and
dinner.
-Yeah.
-Hey, don't get me wrong.
I like a little spicy
mustard every night then.
But know a little goes a long
ways.
-Here are those drinks for you.
-Thank you, love.
Of course.
Pardon me, but can you tell me
how your whipped cream is made?
Excuse me?
[Jeff clears throat]
Stop. Don't listen to him.
Ignore everything he says.
Can I just please get
the Arugula salad with chicken?
Mmm-hmm. Sure thing.
-And for you?
-And I'll have the Nicoise.
-Just a light sear on the tuna,
please.
-Perfect.
I'll get that right out to you,
and I will check on that whipped
cream.
Thank you.
With a light sear on that tuna,
please.
You know what has become
abundantly clear to me?
Enlighten me.
You've been spending way too
much time on these dates with
these women.
You need to cut them short.
How do you suggest I do that?
No more meals, coffee or happy
hour only.
You're going to save a shitload
of money, and it won't take you
2 hours to realize
whether they're psycho or not.
You'll be able to discover that
shit in the first three minutes.
That's actually a great idea.
Yeah.
[typing noise]
[woman] Have you ever had a
happy ending?
That's an interesting question.
Why do you ask?
Because I just went to Cancun
with my girlfriends, and I got a
happy ending.
Really?
Isn't it typically the guy
who gets a happy ending?
Not this time.
I went to the spa and I had this
Mr. Har-vay, and he was rubbing
me so good.
And then he told me to flip over
on my back, and he started
massaging
my legs and then my thighs,
and he went a little higher up
on my thighs, and I said Oh,
and so he went a little higher.
And I said oooh, and before you
know it, his head is
between my legs and I got a
happy ending.
And it did not take long.
[giggles]
-Well, I I hope you tipped the
man.
-Well, of course.
I went to the spa desk to check
out and told him I wanted to
leave a tip.
And they asked who my monsieur
was, and I said, Har-vay.
And they smiled, and they looked
at each other and they said,
"Oh? Har-vay."
Did you go back and tell your
girlfriends?
Well, hell, yeah, I did.
And it was so good.
I went back the next
day and I did it again.
Oh, He's in high demand.
Believe you me.
The kids and I just got back
from spring break in Cancun.
Nice. Was it fun?
They had a blast, and I just
spent all day pampering myself
at the spa.
Manny's, Petty's, facials.
And the best massage ever,
if you know what I mean.
-Do you mean a happy ending?
-Hell, yes.
And it was cosmic.
Was his name Har-vay?
-And did he like bury his face
down there.
-What?
God, no. That's gross.
But he did get me off with those
stubby little Mexican fingers.
[typing noise]
[]
[woman] Jeff.
Hi, I'm Carla.
[ding]
[woman] Hi, Jeff.
I'm Amanda.
Hi, Jeff. I'm Rebecca.
-You look just like your
pictures.
-[laughs] Thanks.
I grew up with morals and
sensibilities, and if anything,
guys were inappropriate.
But in today's dating world,
people say anything, do anything
without even thinking about it.
I mean, if I got a happy ending
at a spa, I wouldn't be
broadcasting
it on a first date.
And then what's up with
catfishing?
The bait and switch photos?
They know they're going to meet
you eventually, and you're
expecting
Beyonc and in walks Bigfoot.
[typing noise]
[]
Jeff, you are a handsome one.
Thank you, Hilde, and you're
beautiful.
Thank you.
Cocktail's yours.
I wasn't sure what you wanted,
so I just ordered you a vodka.
Vodka's perfect.
But I thought you didn't drink.
I don't.
But I love seeing normies drink.
-[laughs]
-It's nice to know you
think I'm a normie.
[laughs]
Okay, so you don't drink.
You're a therapist.
-Well, hypnotherapy, right?
-Yes.
What patients do you normally
counsel?
Mostly addiction.
I was an addict for 10 years.
So I've got lots of experience.
Wow, but an addict?
So what was your addiction?
Drugs, darling.
Meth, heroin, alcohol.
-The hard stuff.
-Yes.
But I've been sober for five
years, and I love normies.
People who can control it.
You can just tell that I'm a
normie?
I don't know if that's
a good thing or a bad thing.
Oh, it's lovely, darling.
It makes you very sexy.
So you just had a recent
breakup, right?
Yes.
And dating is such a chore.
Quite simply, I'm just a one-man
woman.
So what's your sexual fantasy
then?
[Jeff] Wow, and even stone cold
sober.
Well, I don't know.
I haven't really thought about
it that much, but if I did, I
imagine it was
vastly different than it was 10
years ago.
What about you?
Well, like I said,
I'm just a one-man woman.
But I do fancy a bird every now
and again.
Well, maybe once a month It's
more of a need than a fantasy, I
suppose.
Bird?
Sorry, a girl, a woman.
-Uh, Oh.
-[laughs]
[indistinct chatter]
It's just something I need
to satisfy every now and again.
Okay, so what bird do you fancy?
I quite like darker, big tits,
big ass,
you know, rather the zaftig and
swarthy.
Opposites attract, I suppose.
[chuckles]
So how does that work?
You just walk into a bar and
find someone?
How do you know which one's
going to be receptive?
Don't be daft.
You never do it at home, silly.
You go out of town.
But how are you going to find
someone who fits the criteria in
a strange place?
You really are sweet
and naive, aren't you?
You call a service,
and you pay for it, love.
Oh, like a hooker.
But an escort?
A service?
Okay, I got it. I got it.
You call up a service and you
ask for a dark, zaftig swarthy
girl with big
tits and big ass to come to your
room.
[giggles]
And you just do it alone?
Of course not, no.
I told you, I'm a one-man woman.
I want you, if you were
my man, to do it with me.
Boss.
The man is always boss of the
bedroom.
So what does that look like?
Okay, darling.
Well, the girl comes to the
room.
I undress her, she undresses me,
and I have her go down on me.
And then what would I?
If I was your man, what would I
do?
Whatever you want, darling.
Then I like to go down on her
while the man takes me from
behind.
[laughs]
Poor thing.
You should see your face.
Bet she didn't put that shit
in her dating profile.
Damn. If she did, I'd be all
over that.
Now, that's my therapy.
You got issues, man.
I just want normal and easy.
What about that situation?
Is normal and easy?
I mean, don't get me wrong.
On one hand, sure.
Nice girl on the outside,
intelligent.
She's got a successful practice
doing therapy for broken people.
Got it. Other hand, ex-meth and
heroine addict?
Sure, recovered. Good for her.
Bonus points.
But let's not forget the random
hookups with the dark Buxom
hooker.
Are you crazy?
A woman that wants to have a
threesome, especially once a
month?
That's like seeing Sasquatch.
She's a unicorn.
-[laughs]
-That's like a fantasy.
Back when we were kids and I
wanted to be an astronaut.
But as an adult, every girl I've
spoken to that says you
bring another woman into the
relationship, and it destroys
it.
Think about it.
When you were a kid, three of
you got together to play,
one person always ended up being
left out and crying in a corner.
Maybe you, but not me.
I whooped both of those other
kid's ass.
[sighs] It doesn't matter.
All I'm saying is that I'm tired
of all of these rules and then
the double
standards that throw the rules
out the window, like the
Wednesday
-rule and the three-date rule.
-Three dates my ass.
My philosophy is this.
If you love someone, let them
go.
If they come back, you let their
ass go again because nobody else
wanted them.
Dating, it's like a full-time
job, and there's this epidemic
of craziness
amongst the available single
people.
And I swear, with all the
dysfunction that I've been
seeing, I don't even want
to have sex with anybody ever
again.
I mean, okay, yes, I want to
have sex, but not until I get to
know them really well.
I'm going to start adding my own
three-date rule on top of their
three-date rule
until I know that they're not
going to turn into Freddy
Kruger.
Hey, after a 15-year marriage,
being with the woman who
withheld sex, you
can't be afraid to get back in
the saddle.
It's your duty to test those sex
waters.
If you don't, you're liable to
end up with another
Karen, and I know you don't want
that.
-Of course not.
-Then you need to get busy.
Yeah, okay, okay, okay.
Don't worry, I'm not giving up
hope. I've got another date.
Pretty Christian girl.
Praise the Lord.
[typing noise]
[]
Maren?
Oh, hey. Jeff, right?
Yes.
Hi.
Can I have what she's having?
-Yes.
-And I will have one more.
Any food? The kitchen closes in
20 minutes?
I will have your grilled chicken
salad.
Sounds good for me, too.
[music and indistinct chatter]
So I want to know all about you.
You know, my dad is a Baptist
preacher.
My faith is very important to
me.
Well, I can only imagine.
What would you like to know?
Tell me about your faith.
Can you be more specific?
Do you believe in Jesus?
Food will be out shortly.
Thank you.
Come on, let's have it.
Tell me about your faith.
Okay.
Well, I was raised Catholic
by my grandmother,
and then I left the Catholic
Church when I was about 16 years
old.
My other grandparents,
they were Methodists,
so I had a pretty diverse
perspective on denominational
Christianity.
And I guess I'm totally
non-denominational.
But do you believe in Jesus?
Do you believe that he was the
Son of God?
Do you believe he died for our
sins?
Do you believe that his blood
redeemed us and saved us from
eternal damnation.
All right. Is there anything
else I can get you?
No, we're good.
I will have a glass of Pinot
Grigio.
Okay.
Are you sure you don't want
to eat something first?
Oh, no, I'm not hungry.
I'll just take it with me.
[Jeff] Then why'd you order it?
Sorry, can we actually box
both of these up to go?
Okay.
Do you normally get this
deep on all your first dates?
-Well, my faith is very
important to me.
-So you said.
So I want to know about you, and
I want to know about your faith.
I thought we covered all that.
Well, I want to hear it again.
You know, my faith is really
important to me if I date
someone.
You I made that very clear.
[bartender] Here you go.
You guys have a good afternoon.
Here, that should be enough to
cover it and just keep the rest
as a tip.
Well, loved you in Midnight
Eyes. [ding]
Are you sure you're okay to
drive?
I told you I'm fine.
I just lived down the street.
-[car alarm beeps]
-This is you?
Mm-hmm.
[car door shuts]
Okay, Maren.
I'm putting the food down here.
Make sure you bring it
inside when you get home.
Don't forget it. Drive safe.
Maybe text me when you get
there.
Wait, where are you going?
Get in.
I want to talk to you.
I need to get home to call my
kids.
Come on, please.
I want to talk.
Okay, just for a few minutes.
[car door shuts]
[seat whirring]
Come here.
I want to talk to you.
[moaning and kissing]
-I want you to tell me.
-Tell you what?
Tell me if you believe in Jesus.
I already told you in the
restaurant.
God, that makes me so hot.
[moans]
Tell me again.
Tell me right now.
Do believe that he's the son of
God? Tell me yes.
-Yes.
-Yes.
Oh, touch me.
Kiss me.
Tell me you believe he died for
our sins?
Tell me you believe. I believe.
-Tell me you believe.
-I believe.
Oh, you believe you
died for our sins, yeah?
Yes, I believe.
[moaning]
Oh, my God. I want you.
I want you right here.
Let's move forward.
We don't even need to date.
We can just be exclusive.
Oh, my God.
-I'm so wet.
-Oh, wait.
Wait, wait. Hang on.
Hang on. Wait, wait.
[panting]
Where are you going?
We just met.
I think we need to take
things a little more slowly.
I can't believe you're leaving
me.
I'm not leaving you.
I just need to get home and call
my kids.
You said you live close by,
right? So you're going to be
fine.
Just remember to text me
when you get back, please.
[Maren sighs]
I said I want to move forward
with you.
-[car door shuts]
-[engine starting]
[tires screeching]
[crashing]
[typing noise]
[]
[gravel crunching]
[car door shuts]
[birds chirping]
Jeff.
Hi.
I'm Brigitte.
Nice to meet you.
You ready?
Sure.
Let me just finish this first.
Takes the edge off.
[Jeff] Yeah, Where's the edge?
Where's the edge?
[squeals]
-Let's go.
-[laughs]
[cup clattering]
There's a lake out back
where I just love to walk.
So You're an actor?
Well, I used to be. Not anymore.
Now I produce.
What about you? Do you work?
Of course I work.
I'm an entrepreneur.
I have my own company.
I sell dirt.
Dirt?
Hell, yeah.
It's a commodity just
like everything else.
I got eyes and ears all over
this town, so whenever there's a
free mound
of dirt somewhere, I know about
it.
Then I send Pedro
and Gilberto to go pick it up.
Then I broker it for sale.
It's almost all profit except
for my guy's day, right?
Do you like my lips?
Yeah, they look great.
My mama named me after Brigitte
Bardot, so whenever I get my
Botox, I get my lips
injected, so I look just like
her. [giggles]
But you're naturally beautiful.
You don't need any of that.
Don't tell me what I need and
don't need.
I will get my Botox and my lips,
and ain't nobody going to tell
me not to.
Sorry, I meant it more as
a compliment, if anything.
[laughs] Okay.
I just hate people telling me
what to do.
Hey, there's this guy I just
love playing at the piano bar
tonight.
Do you want to go?
Sure.
-Yeah.
-[message chimes]
[Sam] Don't be no wimp.
Get back in the saddle.
Oh, it's just a friend of mine.
-Everything okay?
-Yeah.
No, everything's fine.
He's just pushing me to do
what single people do.
That's all.
You mean have sex?
I will not have sex with any man
until I know he's the right one.
I can respect that.
I'm pretty much a monk myself
these days.
I just
prefer slightly older men who've
been through a divorce and
rebounded.
See, I want to have me a baby,
and I just want to find someone
that can provide us a certain
lifestyle. You know what they
say?
[laughs]
The right amount of money
can buy youth and beauty.
You just put it all out there,
don't you?
[laughs]
I admire that.
[message chimes]
I'm sorry.
Open it.
[Maren] I can't believe you
didn't give in to me. Come
over.
Do not answer her.
Let's go.
Now.
-Where are we going?
-My house.
[birds chirping]
[]
I am a ros, girl.
Okay.
So you take care of me first,
then I'll take care of you.
Sound good?
You got to cast a little spell
on me to get me there, if you
know what I'm saying.
-So just see what I tell you.
-[Jeff] Is this really
happening?
Scoot over.
[]
Okay.
-[slaps]
-Not what I told you.
Take this.
-[Jeff] I guess it's happening.
-Proceed.
[vibrating noise]
No.
A little to the left.
No, stop, just give it to me.
[gasps]
[shakily] Do not move.
Oh, yeah.
That's it.
-Now, bite my titty.
-What?
Bite my titty.
Not the right one, the left one.
It's more sensitive.
[muffled gasp]
Oh, yeah.
Bite my titty. Harder.
Harder.
-[smacks]
-Harder. Bite my titty.
Do not move your hand from that
spot.
-Oh, yeah.
-[vibrating continues]
Bite my titty. Harder.
Oh, my God.
Bite my titty.
-Bite my fucking titty, harder.
-[muffled moan]
Yes!
[moans]
[panting]
Your turn.
Let's try to make a baby.
[slaps]
[]
Fuck you, Jeff Brock.
And fuck you.
God I want you so bad.
A really big clit.
Bite my titty!
-And I got a happy ending.
-You like?
You make me want you now.
So are we moving forward?
I said I want to move forward
with you.
I'm going to marry you.
Do you believe in Jesus?
Get back on this sofa
right now and you make me come.
[gasps]
[heavy breathing]
[phone buzzing]
-Hey, Maren.
-[man] Is this Jeff?
Yeah, it is. Who's this?
[man] This is Maren's father.
We found Maren's phone.
She's had the same password
since college.
We saw that you had
communicated with her.
-Did you see her?
-No, I didn't.
I wasn't able to.
[man] I'm sorry to tell you
this.
Maren took her life last night.
It wasn't the first time she
tried, but she finally
succeeded.
Her mother and I thought you
should know.
What? I had just recently gotten
to know her.
Thank you for letting me know.
I'm sorry for your loss.
[]
[birds chirping]
[water lapping]
[]
[Jeff] Maybe if I had gone to
see her,
she'd still be alive.
No, no, it's not your It's not
your fault.
It's not your fault.
She's not your responsibility.
I realize that. I do.
[sighs] She had issues.
And I barely even knew her.
Why does everything
have to be so hard?
[therapist] You said it
yourself.
She had issues that you
couldn't possibly know about.
How could you have helped her?
She would of coerced you into a
sexual act you didn't want.
It wouldn't have worked out.
And you would have left anyway.
Yeah, probably.
Everything would be
exactly as it was before.
You're right.
I just feel so guilty about it.
And then there's the whole
situation with Brigitte, too.
Brigitte, the dirt seller
who wanted a baby daddy.
A rich baby daddy.
Yeah, she called me a few weeks
later and told me she was
pregnant.
Oh.
I wondered why I didn't hear
from you for a while, How did
that news make you feel?
Pretty damn good.
Considering I had my side
of the street taken care of.
After Karen and I had our second
child, so I knew it wasn't mine.
But I will tell you something.
I'm done.
I'm good. No more dating for me.
No? [chuckles]
If someone wants to be with me,
I'm going to wait until they hit
me over the head with that
message.
-Really?
-[Jeff] Really.
No more chasing normal for me.
I'm not really sure there is
such a thing.
Fair enough.
[clock ticking]
Well, will I see you next week?
No.
I don't think so.
But thank you.
Good luck, Jeff.
[items rustling]
Here, I got it.
Thank you.
[book flops]
Thank you.
Yeah.
Hey.
Yeah, I know.
I'm that guy.
I'm sorry. I was just going to
say I like your shirt.
It's a really cool pattern.
Oh, this?
-Yeah, that. [laughs]
-Well, thank you.
My kids brought it back for me
for my birthday from Hawaii.
Oh, I love Hawaii,
especially the big island.
-Have you ever been there?
-Yeah.
-Well, the Kona side.
-Kona?
[sighs] I chaperoned a group of
honor students to Kona just last
summer.
-Really?
-Yeah.
I'm Jeff.
[]
Sarah. I just moved here.
Nice to meet you.
It's nice to meet you, too.
Do you want to grab a bite?
-[Sarah laughs]
-Yeah, I would.
I'd like to.
I'm just going to return
these books to Dr. Reader.
[]
Ready?
Yeah.
So Kona, huh?
Yeah, I can't believe you were
just there.
I was.
[Jeff] 100 dates?
It was probably more than that.
I just lost count.
Each date started with the hope
that it would be different than
the previous disappointment.
Because let's face it, you don't
want to throw in the towel
on the off chance that the
person you're destined to meet
is
right around the corner.
[]
And then when you finally find
them,
it's all worth the wait.
That's great. Thank you, Jeff.
Great interview.
I appreciate you.
Anything else to add?
[exhales]
No.
[laughs]
I think I've said enough.
Okay. [laughs]
-All right. That's a cut.
-[claps]
[]
[]
[]
[]
[music fades]