1UP (2022) Movie Script

V, you there?
- V. V?
- Where'd she go? Mid lane's totally open.
- She ghosting us?
- What is she doing?
Totally asleep at the wheel.
- V?
Good morning.
- Indy!
- Sorry I didn't wake you. You looked so cozy
sleeping through one
of your fantasy beatings.
Oh, um, wanna go to
a silent disco tonight?
We get high, it'll be just like
a regular disco.
I have practice.
- Do you ever stop playing?
- Only to eat and sleep.
Okay. Well, never say
I didn't try to get you laid.
Oh, breakfast brownie?
- Oh, okay.
- Made them myself.
Cocoa, hazelnut, psilocybin.
- Oh, low-key bitter, right?
- Low-key laced-with-shrooms!
I can't be tripping
in class, Indy.
Why not?
I can't believe
I can't believe
I can't believe
This is my life
I can't believe
I can't believe
I can't believe
I can't believe
I can't believe
This is my life
I can't believe
I can't believe
God could try
But he's never gonna
Find a way
To throw me off
Not right now
Can't blame a girl
From Michigan
Who can't believe
She's livin' in
All of this optimism
And she'll never go home
Can't spend the times
Stressing about
All the things
I don't know about
'Cause the truth
All I do know
Is that I don't, so
I'm givin' all my love
To a honeymoon phase
I'm living off this high
For a day
I can't believe
I can't believe
I can't believe
This is my life
I can't believe
I can't believe
I can't believe
I can't believe
I can't believe
This is my life
A princess and a plumber?
I'm sorry.
- In this economy, it's not happening.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey.
- What'd I miss?
The attendance sheet.
- Really?
All right, settle down.
Settle down.
The history of video games
stretches far back
to the early 1950's.
Novelty simulations by
adventurous students
inadvertently formed
the foundation of what is now
a several-hundred-billion-dollar
Before characters like
Donkey Kong, Sonic,
and Tomb Raider
graced our screens.
Lara Croft is smoking.
- What's your name?
- Todd.
Todd. You're talking about
her animated endowments?
I guess so.
Well, that is actually
the point of her design.
It wasn't long ago that games
were marketed entirely
to a generation of guys.
How many of you have played
Assassin's Creed?
The publishers decided that
playing as a female character
made the game un-relatable.
So gamers could not
relate to this,
but they could relate to this?
But here's the thing,
as the gaming industry
exploded in sales,
the profile of a traditional
gamer has dramatically changed.
And now, gamers are everyone.
- Even Todd.
So when some of you decide
to make games of your own,
for the love of God,
please consider giving
your female characters
a pair of pants.
Or regular-sized tits!
I'm Parker Nesby
and this is the history
of video games.
Parker Nesby, I know that name.
All right, all right,
and now with just the starters.
Yo, out support!
Out of here.
Okay, yo. All right, I'm gonna
stand like... All right, you guys,
right here, right here, okay?
raise your eyebrows,
stop smiling.
- That's your model face.
- Who opened the toolbox?
All right, cool, just like
some singles now. Like of me.
- Solo, that's a single.
- Oh.
- Single, me.
- Okay.
Like, you know.
Just like a little bit quicker.
Dabbing is not a thing anymore.
Okay, dabbing is still a thing,
and literally everyone
can hear you.
Oh, Ricardo, why aren't you
in the photo?
Like, if you catch the muscle
on accident.
Oh, who's this?
Oh. Who's that?
Miami's on line.
Two minutes to game time.
- No mercy, boys.
- Whoo.
I might have to sit
this one out, Captain.
I think I flexed my thumb
too hard in the warm-up.
Let me take a look.
Oh, oh.
How's that feel?
Has he ever touched you
like that?
- One to ten.
- Oh.
Ugh, he will never touch me
like that.
- V!
- Yeah?
You're in!
- Oh, my God!
Okay, change of personnel,
but we stick to the plan.
Points are great,
but they only matter
in tournament seeding.
Destroy the orb, get the win.
V, you run support.
Don't screw it up.
Betas on three!
One, two, three!
- Betas!
- Betas!
An allied tower is under attack.
Dustin! They're flanking us.
I know what I'm doing, support!
Then stop face-checking and
let our casters blast at range.
V, I need a heal over here.
Okay, I'll be there in a second.
Yup, my girl.
No, no, no, ugh!
Dustin, pay attention.
I need to heal the others too.
Quit squawking over the comms
and let me run this.
V, seriously, chill.
She's literally keeping
your boy in the game, Ricardo!
Whoo! I am crushing last hits.
- I'm wasted. They got behind me.
Everyone, listen up,
they're outflanking us.
Charge straight up the middle.
Just said that.
I need a heal.
Running support means more than
just healing you, Dustin.
Everyone else is dead.
The enemy has been slayed.
The power is mine.
Oh, victory!
That's what I'm talking about.
And that's how it's done.
- Suck it, Miami!
- But we almost lost.
You're not always gonna be
so lucky.
V, I know you think you know
what you're doing,
but you have a lot
to learn, okay.
And you will, from the bench.
I'm a nationally ranked player!
With far more skill
than most of you.
That's not remotely true.
It's kinda true.
Look, Dustin,
I need to have
a role on this team.
You are support.
If you earn a better position,
I'll give you one,
but considering we're
the reigning collegiate champs,
I'd say we're good as is.
Everyone let's just be cool.
We're all on the same team.
- I don't know. Are we?
- Whoa, easy, V.
Don't get all emotional, 'cause I'm
not giving you special treatment.
Special treatment? I earned my gaming
scholarship, because I'm a good gamer.
Oh, hate to break it to you, V,
but the only reason
you have a spot on this team
is because you guys have...
- You know, vaginas.
- What?
I actually uh...
I think it's vulvas, Dustin.
Yeah, come again.
Yup, vagina is just
the birth canal
and the vulva
is the all-encompassing...
Owen, please.
I'm done.
- V, come on.
- No, I'm done!
Oh, you quit?
- Oh.
- I quit!
Do not touch that, Owen!
You all have some serious issues.
I'm out, too.
Wow! I've never witnessed
live-action PMS.
Clean up all that crap, Owen.
- V, wait.
- Not now, Sloane.
I'm done.
Come on, Barrett.
Let me hear you!
You're freaking me out!
Please stop yelling.
You've been sitting here
comatose for like an hour
and I'm really worried about
your aura.
It's usually like
a bright purple,
- but right now it's like...
- My aura's fine.
Come dance with me.
Let's go.
Wasn't getting me out
of the dorm
victory enough for you?
Yes, but now you need
to move your body.
Feel the energy of
this magical place.
This is the cafeteria.
Suit yourself.
- Boo!
- Oh, Owen. Hi.
V, it's good to see you.
Hey, I'm... I'm sorry
about earlier today.
Sometimes Dustin can be...
A real dick-bag.
Yeah, and it's all the time.
Like 24/7.
So, where are the rest
of your Betas?
Shocking, but I don't actually
hang with them much.
I'm just, you know, riding
it out for the scholarship.
Oh yeah! Whoo!
That's my roommate.
Oh, um, I'm gonna grab a juice.
Can I... Can I get you one?
You know what?
I'm... I'm just gonna go.
It's just been a long week
and I'm exhausted.
Okay. Cool.
Yeah, well... well,
I shall see you later, V.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Thank you for shopping
at Game Home.
Figured I'd you find you
working the hole.
You know me,
I'm always working the hole.
- Life goals, baby.
You know I would like to
confirm that your manager
makes me thirst.
Lewis? Gets Cheetos stuck
in his beard all the time
and says things like "ill".
He let me cut the line
for PS5 though.
I think I really messed up.
Me quitting the team has made
my whole life go poof.
I hear you, girl.
I'm in the same boat.
Those assholes ruined gaming
for me too.
- Yo!
Hey, you kids wanna see
something ill?
- No, we do not.
- Maybe.
Guess who's an influencer now?
This guy.
Do you enjoy my balls?
Shall you take my elder orbs
into your mouth hole.
Come on, it's brilliant.
Lewis, can you give us a second?
- Girl talk.
- Have you been eating butt cheese again?
Yo, dickwhistle,
wanna see something ill?
Sloane, if I'm not on the team,
I lose my eSports scholarship.
That's the only reason
I can afford to go to Barrett.
You know when life
doesn't go my way,
I usually get really high
and watch Captain Marvel.
- Why?
- Because Brie Larson is super-freaking hot.
And it's a tremendous setup
to Endgame.
Wait. What does Captain Marvel do?
In the bad-ass montage?
Oh, she gets back up. Mm-hmm.
- Yes, yes. We get back up.
- Okay.
We are gonna start our own team
and take down the Betas.
- I don't think it's that easy.
- Why not?
What do we need? Some
matching outfits and a name?
And a team, V. We need players.
Sloane, we're gonna start
an all-girls team.
And kick the living crap
out of those Beta assholes.
Oh. Oh!
- Yes, yes, yes, yeah!
- Yes, yes, yes.
- Huh, what?
Come on in.
Hey, you guys.
Welcome. Oh, it's so nice...
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't close the door.
We don't close doors here
at Barrett.
Okay. Oof, all right.
Oh, my gosh,
what a great surprise.
- Hey, have a drink. Yeah.
- Ooh, what's this?
- Kombucha.
- Oh.
And whale sperm.
Supposed to be good
for the skin, yeah.
So, I'm, uh, Dean Davis,
preferred pronouns, he and him.
Oh, um, um, her/she.
She, Sloane.
- Come on in, we'll chat.
Have a seat,
we'll talk a little bit.
I just got these fancy things...
Oh, hang on,
Look out, oh, no, no.
Stay where you are.
Don't get up. It's cool.
I just got these, you know.
They're a little tough to get
used to, but I had one in college.
I don't know how to
use them anymore.
Okay, I think I should
start off by saying this is
a safe space and anyone in the
safe space will be treated equally.
Uh, we're also being recorded
for liability protection,
mostly mine.
Uh, oh, uh, do I have
your verbal consent on that?
- Yeah.
- Sure.
Great. So, uh...
yeah, what brings you
to my office?
- I said it was a safe space, right?
- Yeah.
- Yes.
- Okay, good.
Um, so we wanted to propose
the formation
of an all-women's
eSports varsity team.
Really? Oh, that's fun.
Oh, that's great, yeah.
I hear you, I see you.
I'm processing your feelings.
It's okay.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
All right.
I don't know what's up.
I am losing it.
What's an eSports team?
It's um, like, vid...
Competitive video gaming.
Competitive video gaming, like
Nintendo and crap like that.
- Yeah.
- That's a sport?
Yeah, we have scholarships.
Oh, I'm telling you. I don't
know what's what anymore.
I had a kid come in here
just earlier,
telling me he was pre-triggered.
I don't even know what
"triggered" means.
- Triggered is like a trauma response...
- I don't care.
I got one year left here.
And my only goal
is to not rock any boats.
And to do that, I gotta
have no change whatsoever.
We just want a game.
I suppose if I say no,
you're gonna cancel me, right?
I tell you what,
why don't we work together?
We can do that.
Here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna give you
your special little team.
- You will?
- I will, on one condition.
I don't wanna hear you
or see you ever again.
Do we got a deal?
- Yes.
- Yes.
Do you like gaming?
Animal Crossing!
- Valorant!
- Fortnite!
Last Of Us! Minecraft!
Come to the audition
and join us.
- We are gamer girls.
- We are gamer girls.
Gamer girls wanted.
Come to tryouts.
- Join our team.
- Join us.
Hey, girl!
Tell your girlfriends.
So, do you game?
I dig confrontation.
In video games, right?
Fact, you're living
in a giant snow globe.
- Well, actually...
- Fact!
Sir Isaac Newton was
a certified idiot.
Lot-mal mayal Diane.
I think I heard
a "Diane" in there.
Was that Elvish?
One of the many proud languages
of the Elven people.
The Earth is flat!
Show me the curve.
Okay, out!
Okay, Diane, do you game?
100%. I mean, LARPing,
cosplay, role-play.
But do you play Elder Orb?
Do unicorns poop rainbows?
I main as tank support.
I love smashing skulls.
Now we're talking!
I'm very good at integral
And differential calculus
I know
The scientific names...
You guys are cool
with knives, right?
'Cause I got like a hundred knives!
Like maybe a thousand.
I could be arrested
for the knives I have.
Do you have a girlfriend
who games?
Do you have a...
- Welcome to the team.
- What's your name?
- What do you want it to be?
Name me.
Lilly, Lilly.
I like that. That's beautiful.
You guys wanna get tattoos?
You guys wanna get tattoos?
Yes or no?
Our interview process
is so poor.
These aren't even
good dick drawings.
What kind of psycho
puts hair on the shaft?
Oh, Dustin.
Cock, cock, goose.
- Whoo.
- Sweet wheels.
Sorry, I just got axed
by the world's biggest douche!
Well, we know that douche and we
know the best way to get back at him.
So there's another team?
Mm-hmm, about to be.
So you game?
Whatever keeps my fans happy.
Are you like an influencer
or something?
Do you know any other
crippled sex kittens
- that crush at Elder Orb?
- Ever play on a team?
You're looking at the captain of my state
champion high school squad, sweetie.
Welcome to the 8-Bits.
Follow us.
Who are you guys?
We are the 8-Bits.
Um, is Parker Nesby here?
Mom, there's some weirdos
at the door for you.
Ace, what'd I say about opening up the
door to... Oh, uh, what's all this about?
I'm in your History
of Video Games class.
Regular-sized tits.
Ah, yes, I do remember you.
Could we come in?
Uh, I guess.
Hey, hey.
For the old comfort.
Juice it loose time.
Uh, well, you're
an eclectic bunch, aren't you?
- Shouldn't you all be in school?
- It's Saturday, Mom.
Oh, that's why
I keep you around.
So, is this about
the term paper or...
We are starting an all-girls
eSports team at Barrett.
And we need your help.
Cute. But that's
gonna be a hard no.
Um, I thought you said she was
already on board, V?
Yeah, what's the deal?
I said I think she might be in.
Can we talk? In private?
Mm-hmm, sure.
Can I get a bowl of those?
Coach you?
Wow, no way in hell.
I know who you are.
- I googled you.
- Creepy.
You designed Age of Neutronium.
That's literally the game
that got me into gaming.
That is literally the game that
got me doxxed out of gaming.
I don't need my son opening up
hate mail on the porch anymore.
Listen, I am sorry that the
system sucks for you and it does,
-but what you want me to do about it?
- Coach us.
- Why are you so scared to?
- I fear nothing.
- Then we're the same.
- Wonderful. Then you're gonna be great.
Now grab your oddball friends and
let's end this home invasion, shall we?
Okay, wait,
you said it yourself,
things are never going to
change unless we make them.
I said that?
It's quite profound.
Look, bottom line is
one gamer girl to another,
I'm on a scholarship and if I don't have
a team, then I'm a ghost at Barrett.
Come on, Mom. They need you.
I mean, they're totally pathetic.
Look, we're not gonna
let you down.
Shit. All right.
Oh, boy.
Are you committed?
Are you sure you have
what it takes?
- Yes!
- Yes!
- You fools ready to go to war?
- Yes!
- Ma'am, yes, ma'am.
- All right.
So you're really gonna help us?
- Yes.
But only out of pity.
Now get out of my house.
Come on.
Wow, the Dean hooked us up.
Okay. All right.
Okay. This um...
It's not that bad.
It's actually better... better
than I thought it would be.
Smells like somebody
died in here.
And their ghost took a shit.
- I think somebody did
die in here.
We can make this feel
like home in no time.
By participating in
this venerated ceremony,
you'll be linked for eternity to the
many great Betas who came before you,
dating all the way back to 2015.
Present the recruits.
- Kneel.
- Yeah, kneel.
Do you, Geoff and Jeff...
Wait, they have the same name?
- Geoff.
- Jeff.
Okay, cool.
With this sword,
you will be knighted Betas.
No, no, no, no, it's okay.
It's a ceremony.
Jeff and Geoff, you are now inducted
into our sacred gaming brotherhood.
The newly knighted Betas!
Oh, God.
- Oh, if it isn't the 8-Bits.
- More like the eight bitches.
Easy with that, 'Cardo.
Female traitors, yes.
Oh, sorry, I thought the insult
convention was down the street.
Oh, then take those size 13's
and walk there yourself.
you left the Betas for this?
You couldn't just get in line
like everyone else?
This eSports team
isn't your birthright.
Oh, meet your replacements.
The newly knighted Betas.
How's that make you feel?
If I had a penis, flaccid.
Oh, you wish you had a penis.
- Oh, a strap-on like yours, babe?
- Oh, I will strap-on right now!
- You can't say that, Ricky.
- It is Ricardo.
- Whatever!
- Thou wanteth a strap?
'Cause I haveth one.
With extra girtheth!
- Oh, I'm lubing up right now.
- Jump in, baby.
Water's warm and I'm
already wearing a T-shirt.
Let's spread those cheeks
and see where I fit.
Oh, I'm spread, I'm spread, I'm
like peanut butter and jelly.
- What is happening?
- This is what's happening.
- Oh, oh!
Oh, my God.
What did you eat?
- What are you, a camel?
- Yeah, that's what I call a pearl necklace.
It's gonna burn right through
your clothes.
- Ew.
- Hey!
Dick or no dick, tonight we
celebrate not being dicks.
Celebrate all you want.
'Cause after Monday's match,
the only partying you're gonna
be doing is pity partying.
What are you talking about?
You haven't seen the schedule?
Your first match is against us.
- Ba-ba-ba-bah!
- Yeah, ba-ba-bah!
All right, everyone,
let's break it up.
Yeah, let's break it up.
Back to the house, boys.
All of you are going down.
Looks like she jizzed on you.
Jeff, Geoff.
Diane, I'm seriously gonna have
nightmares about that.
All right, 8-Bits.
It's game day.
Here we are, all together.
All of us.
Anyway, what uh...
What game do you guys play?
Knights of the Elder Orb, duh.
Knights of the Elder Orb, duh.
Cool, I'm really not familiar
with that game.
But I will be. So, what's up,
And, uh, the... The... The voice?
- Comes with the costume.
- Okay, cool. Moving on, uh,
I have no idea what any of your
strengths are, but play to them.
Play to your strengths.
Great. Great session, guys.
All right.
I feel uninspired.
Chin up, we're gonna do great.
Oh, hey, watch out for
that turret, it shoots...
- Goddamn it!
- lasers.
Betas, don't let them take
a single tower.
- Jenna, what are you doing?
- I'm helping you.
- Get back in the jungle.
- I'm quickly popping back to base.
- Someone cover mid.
- Okey dokey.
- Lilly, look out!
- Oh!
- I'm gonna rip your throat out next time.
Come on, look alive out there!
- Kinda impossible.
All right, team, my ult is ready.
Let's pick one off.
Did you guys see that?
Jenna, pay attention!
Betas, time to blitz!
- I'm with you.
- Got you!
On it, Captain!
No, no, no, no. Back to base.
Defend our Axis.
- On it.
- How about some defense?
- Yo, I got that orb.
- Where is everyone?
Defend, defend,
defend, all you want, baby.
Going in.
- You guys got ganked!
- G-G-G-Ganked.
- "Nationally ranked."
- More like nationally ganked!
- Oh, looks like we're
too spicy for you.
They are horrible.
Wasn't someone on the team
supposed to be guarding the orb?
Go back to playing
Fruity Frog, nerds.
- I hate them.
- I hate them too.
The whiskers aren't just
on my face, ladies.
Oh-ho, look at that!
I'm a "putty tat"!
- Hey.
- Hey.
I didn't know you worked here.
Oh, welcome to my second home.
So, you get free stuff or what?
Oh, just nominal discounts
for selling my soul.
Seems to be the new norm
these days.
Did you bring Band-Aids
for my wounds?
Go easy on yourself. That was your first
match. There's bound to be some kinks.
Is that what you're calling
total annihilation?
My whole collegiate future
is in tatters.
Yeah, but you started
your own team.
You're doing the right thing.
It's pretty awesome.
So did you come here to
buy something or...
No, uh, actually,
I was gonna ask if maybe you
wanted to hang out this weekend?
Oh, um, I... I don't...
- I don't really have time.
- Oh, okay.
We could just game, online.
Friday night?
You gotta practice, right?
- Nice counter.
- Thank you.
- I'll see you Friday.
- Okay, cool.
- I'm "0win", by the way.
- Yeah, I... I know your name.
Oh, no.
No, I mean my... my handle.
- It's "0win."
- Oh.
But the E is an I, because "win"
-and the O is a zero, because the...
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, well, I'm gonna go, so...
- I'll... I'll find you on Friday.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Hey Owen, the exit's that way.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Diane, get off my ass!
I'm not on your ass,
I'm under your ass.
- I'm gonna freaking kill you.
- Not if I kill you first.
- Circle up, team meeting.
We've got to chat.
All right,
I'm gonna cut to the chase.
That match was horrendous.
With zero hyperbole,
it was a hate crime against
people with eyes.
We need to get back to the basics.
Get to know each other.
I wanna know,
what are your favorite games?
We'll play them together and then we can
incorporate those skills into this team.
I'm gonna go first.
All right, well, I'm Parker.
I am a former video game
designer turned teacher.
I'm a lapsed feminist
and I like to stay close
to gaming
even though,
it really hurts me. Mmm.
Who's next?
Hi, I... I'm Sloane.
And I'm a gamer.
Hi, Sloane.
Gaming is my escape.
It's where I go when I wanna
feel like a superhero, you know.
Yeah, that's great.
That's really good.
I didn't even touch a controller
before my accident.
But I met
an awesome community online
and, um, they helped me start a Patreon,
so I could get my life back to normal.
Well, as normal as I could.
Starting with off-campus housing and,
uh, hand controls, so I can drive again.
Went alone for spring break,
- Yeah, yeah.
I used to play my Game Boy
all day
when my dad and I would ride
dolphins from Miami to Cuba.
Yeah. And then I found out two months
ago, that wasn't really my dad.
One time, I took too much
ecstasy at an all-night rave
and woke up tied to an RV
dressed like a fairy.
I had so much glitter
in my vagina, when I queefed,
- it was like
a Kesha concert down there.
- Yeah, that happened.
- It was so awesome.
- Okay. Thanks, Diane.
- That's nice. Fun stuff.
Glad I went first. Wow.
Okay, let's train.
Cue music.
We're going to train mentally,
spiritually, physically.
We're gonna sharpen those reflexes. Work
on our communication with one another.
- Come on, I need some help.
- Boost our confidence.
And most importantly, the trust
that you have in one another.
- Because as things
currently stand...
-you have a zero-percent chance of winning.
- Great pep talk.
It's time to show me
your killer instincts.
Because I want to get them
out of your heads
and get you into theirs.
- Dick-mopper.
- Bastard.
Suck tank, you filthy cuck!
Now, remember to keep it simple.
The number-one objective
is to destroy the enemy's orb.
- Dang it.
- Nice backhand!
- Get ya on the next one, though.
- Lilly, who are you talking to?
Go, Tommy! Go, Timmy!
Go, Tommy! Go, Timmy!
I'm gonna disembowel you and jump
rope with your large intestine.
And once I've led the cops
away from your scent,
I will feed your guts to
my pet unicorn
while crafting a necklace
out of your teeth!
What we're up against, what
This is, this is what...
Is he wearing Axe body spray?
Oh, yeah, I wanted to be
as authentic as possible.
I'm that good
I'm that good
I'm that good
- Oh my God.
- All right, Lilly!
- Wow.
Oh, oh, I have a game.
We just, uh, can't play it
in here.
- You do this every Saturday?
- Every other.
For Frodo!
Yeah, I'm done. I'm done.
- Yes!
- Yes!
- Oh, oh, no, no, no,
I'm that good
I'm that good
That was great, guys, well done.
Yeah, uh,
can we do this every class?
- Uh, I'm gonna have to talk to legal about that.
- Okay.
Oh, not so fast.
- What's this?
- It's your homework.
- Oh, God, Battletoads?
Wait, that was my favorite game
when I was a kid.
It's also one of the hardest
titles ever made.
To beat it, you have to let
opportunities present themselves to you,
instead of just
diving in headfirst.
Patience isn't exactly
your strong suit, V.
If you can learn how to take a
breath, assess all of your options,
you could become
a better player.
And a better teammate.
All right, we got 'em. Let's go.
Ooh, these dudes can't take me
tonight, girl.
Go, go, go!
- They're coming from the left.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get 'em.
Yes, queen!
- Nice.
- Whoo.
Good job, babe.
Oh, shoot.
Um, it's Owen.
- Um, for our gaming date.
- Cavorting with the enemy, really?
No, no, no, he's harmless.
- Is this a male?
- Yes.
Oh, my God, he is cute.
You are talking to this boy?
V, this is progress!
- Ew, Indy, stop.
Okay, I'll give you some privacy
so you can slip into your vajamas.
- Oh my God.
- I'm out.
Go earn that
red vag of courage, girl.
I know you got it... in you.
- In you? Hmm.
- Okay.
- I get it, thank you.
- Is that... Hmm.
Nope, you're... you're good.
You can go now.
- Oh, my God, get away from me. Go!
- Okay, okay.
- Should I make my vag-exit?
- Get out!
God, you both are horrible.
Okay, no one is going
near my vagi... Oh!
- Whoa. Hi.
- Hey, Owen.
- Hi.
- What's up?
- Do you need a moment or...?
- No. No, I'm good.
Indigo, get out! Get out.
Um, should we start gaming?
Uh, sure.
Yeah, not... not judging.
After you.
Ooh, quite the gentlemen.
- All right, let's do this.
- Okay, I got the guy on the left. I got him.
- See that guy?
- Yeah, yeah. I got it, I got it.
- Leave some for me.
- Only if you can keep up.
Oh, that kid was trash.
- That's yours?
- Yep, I got it.
Ooh, hoo, hoo, hoo!
I'm gonna hide over here
and then you can jump out.
- Now, now, now. Go, go, go.
- Okay, I got it.
- Yeah, send it.
- All right.
- Boom. There we go.
- That guy got smoked.
- All right, that's you, that's you.
Well, look at that.
You get a nap and you get a nap.
Yeah, that's yours.
He's trash. He's trash.
- Get it.
- Get it.
- Get it.
- Get it.
- Get it!
Let's go! Come on.
- Yes!
- Whoo!
You know, you're not bad
at this game, Owen.
- There's a reason why I'm ranked higher than you.
- Whatever.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, mine!
No. Mine!
Too slow, buddy.
I like the way you slay.
You're not so bad yourself.
- It's, uh... It's been nice to just play, you know?
- Yeah.
Feel like lately I'm forced to
game like my life depends on it.
And I guess it kind of does.
For the record, I love the
damage we do as teammates.
Oh, what could have been.
We spent a lot of time
together at practice,
but we never actually spent
time together, you know?
I do know.
I totally know, yeah.
We should do it more.
But, like, in person.
Totally, I... I'd like that.
That... That'd be nice.
And thank you.
For what?
For not being
one of the bad guys.
So, uh, I'm gonna go.
Right, yeah.
Uh, okay.
Well, it was, uh,
good to see you.
- Bye, Owen.
- All right. Bye.
I've got a crush on you
I feel like a child
Oh, I can't help but smile
When you walk in the room
I've got a crush on you
I've got a crush on you
Okay, purple's my power color.
Give it up.
- Yes, it is.
- I love my patrons and their money.
Thank you, Jenna.
All righty, all right.
Settle down.
All right, today,
we're switching things up.
After seeing you in action and learning
your strengths, I've got a plan.
you're our new support.
You need to protect our carry.
You're here to serve.
- Like bottoming?
- Yes.
Jenna, you're our carry.
High damage, low defense.
Dish pain from a distance,
but never get caught alone.
We need you for every single
team fight.
- Sweet abs.
- I'd do him.
All right, focus. Lilly, meet Kallari.
You're jungling.
You're our ninja assassin. Means
you have to murder from behind.
Yes, I get to gank.
Diane, you command the off lane.
Your mission:
absorb their front line.
- All right.
- Do not lose a tower
and be ready
for those team fights.
Rum-pum-pum, pum-pum, pum.
And V, cast from the middle.
- Guard the Axis, you're our quarterback.
- These are all new roles.
Is this really the time to experiment
with our champions and positions?
If you wanna win, you have to adapt.
What's it gonna be?
Oh, he's on my ass. He's
freaking eating my ass right now.
God. Lilly,
he is mining my Moria.
- Okay, you're on me.
- All ready.
Three, two, one, yes!
Taste the rainbow, bitch!
- Yeah, that was so good.
- That was awesome.
- Yes.
- Dude, we can't give these chicks the satisfaction.
- We're not going to.
- Keep up the tempo, you've got 'em.
- Losing con... I c-can't...
- Did they just pull their own plug?
- We lost power.
Hey, a win's a win.
All right, guys, let's go.
One, two, three.
Hand jobs.
- Forget about 'em. Let's go.
- I just... I kill myself.
- You nailed it!
- What are they doing here?
Come on, that's it.
High energy.
Let's get those builds
going, guys.
Guys, less floating around.
- Going mid.
- I'll go left.
- I got my full build. Let's go.
- Commit. Commit.
All right, let's keep it
together, guys. Come on.
They're all over me
right now, guys.
Somebody please come
to the middle right now.
V, V, I don't see you.
- No!
- Whoo, yes!
- So sad.
- Lilly, we need wards to see where they are.
Okay, I'm on it.
Surprise. I'm going to chop your head off
and I'm gonna eat your arm for breakfast.
It's gonna be so delicious.
- Oh, my God!
All right, all right,
all right. Get it.
Don't let them take our tower.
Let's go, let's go.
Dang it.
They've cleared out
our jungle of minions.
Hey, where's our defense?
Guess it's time for offense.
V, don't drift to the top.
You're in my lane, V.
V, the game plan.
Don't force it.
V, we need you
back in the middle.
Trust me, I've got eyes
on the orb.
we need you over here.
Relax, I've got this.
- Shit.
- Yeah, that's right.
- Guys, they're all over us.
They're gonna take the orb.
- Come on, we got this.
- No, no, no.
- God. So close.
- So close.
- Gonna cry.
"8-Bits"? 0-Bits.
Well, how am I supposed to be dealing damage
when absolutely nobody is covering me?
Well, I don't know.
Jenna was there.
- Yeah, Jenna was asleep at the wheel.
- Hey!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy, tiger.
This was not bad at all.
- There were some solid combos.
- Combos? Who cares?
We just got snowballed
by those ass-goblins.
Yeah, no shit, maybe stop
playing for yourself, Dustin.
All right, all right, everyone,
just get dressed, okay.
We can talk about this outside.
V, a word?
- Yeah.
- You care to tell me what the hell you're doing out there?
- I was trying to win the game.
- Not for us, you weren't.
Look, the game plan that I put into
place did not call for you playing hero.
Your impatience
let the whole team down.
Are we done?
We will be,
you wanna keep going rogue.
Hi. How's it going?
- Good.
- Walk with me.
Uh, you're not recording me,
are you?
- What, no.
- Okay, good, good.
Yeah, so, uh, been informed that your little
team's making some waves around here on campus.
Also been informed that
what I told you before,
I was not allowed to tell you.
I got sat down with the athletic
director and a board of trustees
and we went over the situation
here at Barrett
and I've come to the conclusion
they don't know what the hell
they're talking about.
But I've been forced
to make some changes,
and come next year, Barrett will
be only funding one eSports team,
which means it's either
you or the Betas,
which probably means
it's the Betas, right?
What about my scholarship?
Yeah, uh, well, unless you win,
I would be forced to cancel
that, which makes me sad.
But doesn't rock the boat
which makes me happy.
Wait, if we win on Tuesday,
then we'll make it
to the national championships.
Get real, I did my research.
You're playing
the Kansas City Kong,
the second-ranked eSports team
in the nation.
Good luck. Toodle-oo.
Girl power, everybody.
Let's go!
Girl power!
So, you're saying we have to
beat the Kong,
or we're kicked out
of Barrett forever.
My life as I know it is toast.
Wait, the Dean can't just
cancel us like that, right?
Why not?
He's totally out to get me.
- Us. Out to get us.
- Whatever, sure, Sloane.
Okay, look, we need to double
up on practices, all right?
I can't. I have work study.
Yeah, I'm maxed too, V.
If I don't log those 30 streaming
hours a week, I lose my sponsors
and news flash, I like money.
- Yeah, V, I barely have time to take a dump.
- Oh, my God.
Did you guys know sea otters
hold hands while they're sleeping
to prevent themselves
from drifting apart.
- Aw...
- Oh. Really?
- Yeah.
- That's so cute.
What planet are you all on?
Jesus Christ, V!
It's not just about you.
- Never said it was.
- You literally just said that.
Look around, V,
this is your clan!
This is what we always wanted,
a team.
Yeah. I understand that.
But it all goes away,
if I don't go
to the championship. Okay?
I have everything riding on this
scholarship. You don't understand...
I don't understand? My
scholarship is on the line too,
and yet somehow you're the one complaining
about how unfair the world is to you.
Are you guys about to fight? Because
if so, I would love to livestream this.
- So, if you guys could start that dialogue over...
- Cut the cameras, Professor X.
- Okay, say that again, giant!
- Fee-fi-fo-fum!
- You and your stupid influencing.
- Hey, hey, stop fighting, guys!
Hey, no one cares
about your followers, Jenna!
Enough! Stop!
This is not okay!
Just... Everyone,
take a deep breath.
You're all taking this team
for granted.
We need to start
from the beginning, young Jedi.
Sorry, technically,
we'd be called "Padawans".
Padawans it is.
Whoa, she has a garage here?
All right, I don't come
back here anymore.
But I think it's time to share
with you guys.
- Oh, my God.
Parker, you've been totally
holding out on us.
I think I just lost my mind.
I think I just creamed my cords.
Look at all these ancient games,
guys. It's like a museum.
- Let's, uh...
Let's play it
and not impregnate it.
Turtles. And ninjas.
Ninja Turtles is literally the
Reese's Peanut Butter Cup of heroes.
Only the best coin-operated
team game of all time.
My dad used to play this with me
all the time. It was his favorite.
Oh, it's a classic, too. Wait...
Up, up, down, down, left,
right, left, right, B, A, start.
Everyone, listen up.
It is time to reignite the fire
inside of you like you're a kid again.
Or a Padawan.
Play till your fingers bleed.
Whoo! Yeah!
Go, Sloane. Yes! Yeah!
Yeah! Whoo!
- Hit that.
- Chug the mug!
- Oh, God!
Chug, chug, chug.
Yeah! Yeah! Go, Sloane!
- I am a rock god!
We killed that one, yeah.
Okay, okay, okay.
"License to Kill" scenario.
Ho. Halt, knave!
How dare you blow
on the cartridge!
Moisture in your breath
will rust the game.
Oh, please!
How about slappers-only mode,
no guns,
just good old-fashioned slapping
the shit out of each other.
- Put it in.
- Ooh, okay.
- Dibs on Oddjob.
- Dibs on Boris.
- Who wants to play?
- I do.
You Soviets are going down.
I wouldn't get too close
if I were you.
I've got a couple
of colorful ghosts to avoid...
In this game and,
metaphorically, from my past.
Hmm, wow. That's deep.
Oh, yeah, I'm a little buzzed.
Well, so, when you were
googling me,
did you happen to read that I dropped out
of Barrett after I sold my first game?
- Wow.
- And look at me now.
I am almost 40,
and I'm still trying
to figure out how Pac-Man
and Ms. Pac-Man bone.
'Cause there's a Pac-Man Jr.
So it has to have happened.
So, you, didn't share in
that first day of practice?
I remember.
What made you fall in love
with gaming?
Well, I wasn't allowed to game,
growing up.
Took a while
to break my parents.
They still don't tolerate
my obsession.
Um, my dad calls me a loser,
who's going nowhere in life.
Yeah, so if I don't win,
I'm gonna have to go home
and apologize for following
my dreams.
We have to win on Tuesday,
- Lilly...
- Hey, we said no guns.
- Uh, just a...
Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.
Who's seen The Wizard?
Like Wizard of Oz?
- Fred Savage.
- Who?
Video Armageddon!
- Guys, it's a classic. Really?
- Ugh.
All right, well, let's watch it.
- Yeah, okay. Turn it on.
- Yes?
- Sure.
- Come on, sourpuss.
Let's cheer you up.
- Let's see him beat that.
- Okay, I like this movie.
- Told you.
- Um, I thought it was gonna be cringe,
but it's actually pretty dope.
Can't believe they made a movie
about people who play video games.
This movie's so wizard.
What is he? Some kind
of freak or something?
That's it.
- Hey! You conned me.
- I didn't. I won the bet.
Uh, guys, I'll be right back. You
do not want to miss this part.
- I think this is the part where Fred gets savage.
- Mmm.
V, wait, where are you going?
What are we even doing?
We're wasting time.
- We're bonding, we're letting loose.
- I wanna go pro.
I don't have anything else
and you guys are in there
old pinball machines.
When I fell off Rainbow Road,
you know what I said?
I said, "Lakitu, I don't even
need another life."
I let that red shell just
knock me right off my track.
Lakitu, red shells? You're drunk!
What's your point?
Look, I... What I'm trying to say
is just don't do what I did, V.
Don't assume you can do this
all on your own.
You've got a team
and they love you.
And if you're pushing away
the people that love you,
then what happens if you,
with gaming...
You can't even enjoy it
with anybody.
You will regret it.
I know I did.
It's cold. I gotta go.
It's-00 a.m.
And you're awake
I'm barely getting any sleep
These days
You need me now
Don't wanna wait
Got a lot of questions
On that brain
Every day is not a walk
In the park
Sometimes you'll feel like
You're lost in the dark
No matter how
The pieces fall
This love's unconditional
So break some glass
Come home late
Say some things
That you don't mean
It's okay
Make mistakes
As long as you say sorry
When you hurt somebody
It's better to be patient
When you've got something
New to learn
And fearlessly be honest...
Thought I'd find you here.
Not too difficult.
Stuck working the hole.
- Pumped for tomorrow?
- Can I help you find something?
No, I... I was just coming
to hang, you know.
Wish you good luck for tomorrow.
Whatever happens, you should be proud.
Proud doesn't pay tuition.
We lose, it's all over.
Come on, that's...
That's not true.
Look, you don't get it, do you?
I'm on my last life here.
I get it. Totally get it.
Hey, I'm not one
of the bad guys, remember?
No, you just game with them.
It's okay
Make mistakes, misbehave
Okay, I guess.
It's better to be patient
When I've got something
New to learn
I'll fearlessly be honest
'Cause I love you
Just promise me
You'll take your time
When it comes to
Growing up
Promise me
You'll take your time
When it comes to
Growing up
All right, we win this,
we go to nationals.
- All right, three, two, one. Here we go.
-8-Bits on three.
Ooh, Kong!
One, two, three.
- Let's go.
Come on, Kong. Lose this, and
we go back to Kansas City.
- Nobody wants to go there.
- Hey, is she okay?
She doesn't look okay to me.
I don't know.
I got it.
All right, come on, guys.
We got this.
Keep those health bars up.
Let's go!
Eyes on the prize, guys.
There you go Sloane,
keep up the pressure.
Psst! Hey.
Enjoy my back-alley
lobotomy, bitch.
- Sweet combo.
- Milady.
No mercy for the weak, Diane.
- Easy, Cobra Kai!
- Back off, pencil dick.
Crap, I'm low.
Got you covered, Diane.
Okay, focus, everyone.
What the hell?
V, stay in your lane.
Whatever you say, Sloane.
- Oh, my God!
- Damn it, V, that guy came from your lane.
Use your ultimate.
Now, it's up!
An ally has been slain.
V, defend the tower.
V, get over here.
We need you.
Get off my back.
Stop farming minions and help.
V, help your team out.
V, come on.
- Focus the healer. Take the shot.
- On it.
Follow me, boys.
This healer
thinks she can outrun us.
Coming, just keep coming.
Come meet my friend.
Wait, what are you doing?
An enemy has been slain.
Come on, finish the job.
- Kill her.
- Nice kill.
An enemy has been slain.
Someone had to bring
the game to you.
Avenge me.
- Get him, V.
- He's the only one left.
she's right there. Kill her!
Come on, V.
Come on, Kong.
Got 'em on the ropes.
I think V's gonna make it.
- V, come on.
- You can do it, V.
No, no, no, no!
An enemy has been slain.
Go, V, you got it!
- Go, go, go.
- You're almost there, almost there.
- Come on, V.
- Oh! Yes!
- Oh, my God.
- Oh shit.
- Yeah!
- Oh, my God!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
We're going to finals.
We're going to finals.
8-Bits, 8-Bits, 8-Bits!
Last game, my ass.
Um, what are you doing here?
I got your email.
My email?
What? Roommates share
everything, V, even passwords.
Oh, you catfished me. I'm out.
Wait, wait, wait, please.
I hate seeing you two fighting.
Can you just stay for a minute,
please. I made tea.
And cookies.
- Cookies.
- Cookies?
- Fine.
- One cup.
Very well.
Heard about the big win.
Everyone's talking about it.
Gotta say, it was dope.
- V avenged me.
- After Sloane's sacrifice.
Next stop, nationals.
Hard to believe, right?
We came a long way from riding
pine for the dick-smacked Betas.
Did you ever get a sneaking suspicion
that they whacked off to us?
- What, no!
- Oh, totally, they did.
Get out!
I'd break those dweebs in two.
I think Adi is super into you.
- Adi?
- Mm-hmm.
That guy smells like cheese.
I feel kind of funny.
Yeah, my, like, heart's racing.
- No.
- What did you do to me?
Let the waves envelop
this spiritual reunion.
You need to open up, V.
Like an ayahuasca trip.
- But you're not a shaman.
- Trust me.
I watched this amazing
Hulu doc on it.
- Don't fight it.
Feel it.
Je m'appelle Pierre!
More cookies!
Le jump, le bounce.
Eh, boing, boing, boing.
Look at me.
I'm so soft. Yay!
Ping! Oopsie, poopsie.
- So long.
Stay friends.
Au revoir!
Hey, you dropped
some change down here.
My work here is done.
I'm sorry I was so rude to you.
There's just so much
pressure to succeed,
and prove everyone wrong.
There's no room to just be.
If anyone gets that, it's me.
And I'm a trans woman living
in the Midwest.
There's literally more
Starbucks where I come from
than there are people like me.
I know what it feels like
to not be what everyone expects.
Well, for what it's worth,
I think you're perfect.
I'm back, baby. Surprise!
Such good friends.
Thank you.
Olivera Suites is proud
to welcome collegiate gamers
-from across the nation.
Attention gamers, team check-in
is on the mezzanine level.
- Yeah!
Oh, look who it is.
Apparently, they let
anyone in here.
The Harry Potter convention
is next weekend.
T-T-T-Trolls in the lobby.
Oh, Ginny Weasley,
love your work.
Ginny gets to kiss Harry.
If they put the sorting hat on you,
you'd be placed in House Bitch.
You know, it's really a shame you
won't be coming back in the fall.
- You two were the best subs
the Betas ever had.
They just keep lowering that glass
ceiling for you all, don't they?
Dude, raising the glass ceiling.
Yeah, nice one, Ri-chodo.
Actually, I have a secret to tell you.
Wanna step a little closer?
Ricardo. But I like secrets.
- Yeah, come here.
- Like here?
- Yeah, a little bit.
- Okay.
- Oh, God, no, no, not again.
No! Not again. Not again.
- Diane, hold your mouth.
- Out of here, out of here.
- I drank a bottle of vinegar
and ate a tablespoon
of baking soda.
It's like an eighth grade
science fair in here.
Ugh, nasty, Diane.
My stomach's really hurting.
Can we go to the room?
I need to really use
the toilet immediately.
Hey everyone,
I'm Kelsey Impicciche.
I'm here at
the national finals in Miami
and the energy here is insane.
What are you hoping to see?
- Destruction, carnage, slaughter.
- I wanna see more wombo combos.
- I'm hoping for some surprise games.
- What game are they playing?
What does it take to win
a team competition like this?
- Stamina.
- Hunger.
- Experience.
- Plenty of quarters.
You gotta keep on
filling those machines up.
Do you have
any early predictions?
- Super Mario, am I right?
- Barrett all the way!
Well, the Newburn Sakka made it all
the way to the finals last year.
So, odds are
they can do it again.
Welcome to the National eSports
Championships, presented by Mercedes-Benz.
Good luck.
Ranked number ten in the nation and
runner-up at last year's tournament,
-give a massive welcome to the Newburn Sakka!
- Yeah, yeah, whoo!
It's a madhouse out there.
Yeah, talk about
a baptism by fire.
And their opponents,
seeded dead last,
and the only all-women's team
in the tournament...
- All right, you're up. Listen, you got this.
- Thanks.
- Let's go. You can do it!
- See you out there, Jenna.
Give it up for the 8-Bits
from Barrett University!
Oh, yeah, we wanna hear you.
We wanna hear you. Let's go.
Yeah, whoo!
Oh, my goodness.
Let's get started!
And the game begins.
In three, two, one.
There's no room for error today.
It's win or game over.
Whoo! Let's go.
- Damn, these guys are good.
- It's like fighting a hive mind.
An ally has been slain.
That's it. That's it, guys.
Good work, good work.
Sakka takes an early lead
and pivots up-lane.
Right, just a little backup
right there.
Newburn wastes little time and
goes straight for the jugular.
Shit! He's on me.
He's on me. He's on me.
- Yes!
An enemy has been slain.
- Crap, that was close.
- Sorry.
Hey, V, come on. Communicate.
- Oh, yeah! Suck it, ladies!
Sorry, small objects are
a choking hazard.
Burn! That's my girl!
- Ah! I need a little help down here.
- All right, good work.
You're playing five different
games out there. Work together!
- Okay, okay, I'm coming.
An ally has been slain.
- Dang it!
- Nice kill, nice kill.
It's dire out there for Barrett.
They just can't break through
the Newburn defense.
Oh, you wanna do this? Fine.
Yeah, come on down.
That's it, good, good. Whoo!
Leeroy Jenkins!
- No, no, no.
That's a good one.
Major move by the
Barrett champion Narbash.
Creates an opening
in the mid lane.
An enemy has been slain.
Hey, she's making a run for it,
guys! Back to the orb!
A surprise advance
by the 8-Bits captain.
She has swooped
into the open lane.
Don't do it, V. Don't do it.
I need some help here. Come on.
Sakka scrambles
to block her path.
Wait, she just
reversed direction.
Come at me, bros!
Hey, hey, hey, guys, guys!
Go after her!
Two Newburn champions have
abandoned their positions
- to hunt her down.
- That's it, that's it, come on!
Is this a suicide mission?
'Cause it sure looks like it.
- Yeah, we got you, V. We got you.
- What are you doing?
Sakka are hot on her heels.
A big kill! They have
eliminated the 8-Bits captain.
I've cleared the path.
You got this.
Now avenge me.
Wait a minute!
The 8-Bit captain's sacrifice
exposed Sakka's backdoor!
Regroup, come on.
Come on, boys, back to the orb.
Back to the orb.
Come on, Slo!
- Don't look back.
You got it.
Will they catch her in time? She's
charging through the mid lane!
- No, no, no, come on!
It's up for grabs now.
- They did it!
She's taken the orb!
- Yes!
Yes! Whoo!
- That's how it's done!
The 8-Bits advance, giving us the
first upset of this tournament.
This match is down to the wire.
What a win!
Going, going, and gone!
- The Cleveland Clerics
just got Cleveland steamed.
There's no stopping Narbash.
She's taking out the trash.
Suck my glove, chode.
- Whoo, yes!
- Barrett moves on to the semifinals.
The questionable gesturing being displayed does
not represent the views of this tournament.
What a match!
Are the 8-Bits the real deal?
- Who are the 8-Bits?
- The all-girl team.
Yeah, I don't...
I don't see gender.
Oh, my heart screams the 8-Bits,
- but my brain's telling me...
- The Betas!
I'm gonna say no.
Is that okay to say no?
The Betas are going to the championships
for the second time in two years.
Uh, yeah, I mean,
was there any doubt? Come on.
And it looks like your rivals,
the 8-Bits,
are just one victory away
from joining you.
Yeah, well, their luck's about to
run out, so, ticktock, ticktock.
Well, the rumor is that
the losing Barrett team
will not be receiving eSports
scholarships next year. Are you worried?
Kelsey, I'm... I'm...
I'm not worried about that.
I'm about as worried about that
as global warming, okay.
It doesn't exist. We've been
undefeated this entire season
and whoever we're up against,
we're gonna annihilate.
So, uh, go, Betas.
Go, Betas. Go, Betas.
And, uh, I'll see you
out there. Whoo!
It's a regular David and Goliath
matchup here in this semifinal.
The 8-Bits are a scrappy bunch, but
if Poughkeepsie plays their game
they should make short work of
these overachievers from Barrett.
Shut up!
All right, focus.
Oh, this chicken.
Lilly, what are you doing?
What the hell?
Is that a chicken?
Well, I like his pretty
feathers and his sharp talons,
and his cute little beak!
You've never played
that character before.
Did you honestly go
full chicken?
You never go full chicken,
- Lilly!
- Parker said I could.
Go with it. Adapt, remember.
Someone's gonna get
Kentucky Fried.
Three, two, one.
Here we go!
And the semifinals are underway.
Stick together as a squad, guys.
Let's hit 'em hard.
The Polygons
have come out strong,
showcasing their early strategy
by dealing some
impressive damage
to the 8-Bits carry lane.
- Oh, my God!
- Good job, good job.
A quick first kill.
Keep your head in the game,
guys. Come on!
The Polygons have eliminated
the 8-Bits' support
and are pushing
into the mid lane.
Come on,
consolidate, ladies. Defense!
Where is everyone?
- Ally has been slain
- Come on!
- Double kill.
We are dead. We're all dead.
- Two more 8-Bits bite the dust.
- Okay.
The Polygons are dominating
the 8-Bits and smell blood.
There's one left.
Let's get her.
Hey! Snap out of it!
And V sneaks away...
- Find her!
All right.
She's evaded
the Polygons for now,
but she's low on health.
There she is, I see her.
She's in the jungle.
Let's go!
The Polygons are back
on the scent.
Ooh! And a brutal hit.
On me, on me, on me.
We got her now.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- What the hell is that,
a chicken?
Ooh! Look at that,
the 8-Bits are back.
Lilly, the orb! Go!
It's yours.
Kill her!
Fuck that chicken.
My dreams are getting
So strange
I'd like to tell you
Everything I see
Oh, I see a man in the back
As a matter of fact
His eyes are as red
As the sun
And the girl in the corner
Let no one ignore her
'Cause she thinks
She's the passionate one
Oh, yeah
It was like lightning
Everybody was frightening
And the music was soothing
And they all
Started grooving
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
- All you!
- I won.
- Yeah.
- The chicken wins!
The chicken wins!
Ballroom blitz...
Talk about a Cinderella story.
The 8-Bits are going up
against the Betas in the final!
It's me! I won that one!
We love you, 8-Bits.
You guys, look.
Look who it is.
You losers aren't dead yet?
Freaking charity case.
You are everything that is
wrong with guys like you.
I don't know why
I didn't do this sooner.
I quit!
Suit yourself, bro.
- I quit.
- Jeff?
Same, I quit.
What are we gonna do?
- Hi!
- We can get them canceled.
- Guys, we can't cancel them. They're uncancelable.
Oh. We could play the long game and
get them hooked onto crystal meth.
- My stepdad knows...
- Guys, we need something tonight!
Yeah, we need
some Tonya Harding shit.
Wait, no.
You know, I think I got a plan.
Hi. Thank you.
Keep the change.
Have a good one.
Hell yeah. Huzzah.
And meet my sisters in arms.
The 8-Bits.
I am only as strong as the
goddesses you see on your screen.
Can you believe it?
But I believe in all of you.
Hell yeah.
I did it.
What the hell is that?
Freeze! Don't move!
Hands in the air!
Everyone do it now! Hands up!
You're all under arrest.
- Can I stream this?
- No!
- Right, you got it.
Is the coast clear?
Open the door.
It's the police.
Trust me, you do not want me
to open the door.
Open the door
or we're coming through.
I really don't think
that's a good idea.
Open it.
Keep your hands
where I can see them.
It's just my Charmin.
It's ultra soft.
Whoa, Jesus God.
- What is that smell?
- I'm so sorry.
- Oh, you poor thing.
- I didn't wipe yet.
Oh, get back in there
and clean up.
Great, can they leave now?
Terrorist threats
are no prank, ma'am.
Including what your Charmin queen
did to the bathroom last night.
- Uh, I heard that.
- Yeah, we smelled that.
Yeah, and you're gonna see that.
Skid mark right down the chair!
It was a hoax. They were swatted.
You've really never heard of that?
Of course, I've heard of it but we
still have to clear their names.
Can I just get a real cop?
- Ma'am?
- Sir?
- It appears that your team
is free to go.
- What a surprise!
- Except for you.
- That is a surprise. What?
- Apparently, an account registered in your name
hacked into the Minecraft
e-store for infinite credits.
Does that ring any bells?
- Mom, I can totally explain.
- Mm-hmm.
You're gonna have to stay here
until we sort this out.
- Uh, can I have a minute with my team?
- Sure.
All right guys, you have 30 minutes
to get this team onto the field
-and prepare for war, you understand?
- Yeah.
Uh, all right. So I know I'm always
harping on about how gaming needs to change
but this team is proof
that it already has.
You're a bunch of absolute
wackadoodle weirdos,
and you're brilliant and I believe
in each and every one of you.
All right.
To teamwork.
To sacrifice.
- To vengeance.
- Love.
One, two, three...
- Whoo!
- Knock 'em dead.
Wait, really? You finished it?
Sure did. Took Robo-Manus
down like a punk.
Full disclosure, I uh,
never beat this one myself.
When you came into my house,
I was scared.
I saw a version of what I could
have been if I hadn't given up.
You win this,
you win it for both of us.
Good luck.
Proud of you.
Ladies and gentlemen, it looks like
the Barrett 8-Bits are a no-show.
- Where's V?
- I... I don't know.
They're moments away from forfeiting
the national championship.
Nine, eight, seven, six,
five, four, three...
Oh, no! Oh, no.
Here they come.
Oh, my God
'Cause I'm a beast Where you at?
I've been unleashed
- We have a match!
'Cause I'm a beast
Where you at?
I've been unleashed
What you doing?
Let's go.
Who's ready to crown
a new national champion?
Looks like we're gonna have to get
our hands dirty today after all, boys.
Oh, do we have
a grudge match today!
To say these two teams
dislike each other
is the understatement
of the century.
- Go, V!
- Whoo!
Okay, ladies, listen up.
No matter what they say or do,
we stick to our game.
- Let's win this for Parker.
- Hell yeah.
- Got it.
- Whoo!
Three, two, one.
- Here we go!
Both teams appear to be choosing standard
builds, and sadly, no more chickens.
Come on, ladies.
Right out of the game,
the 8-Bits are applying
some serious pressure as
the first minion waves collide.
- Whoo!
First kill of the night, baby.
With a quick first kill,
the 8-Bits are in the lead.
- Keep it up, girls.
- All right, let's go, boys.
- You shall not pass!
- No!
- Oh, you wet rat bitch!
- Oh, how do you like that?
It looks like Narbash has been
Sloane, probe the line.
Lilly, show no mercy.
- Roger that.
- No problem.
And what's this?
Kallari, pouncing out
from the jungle
on a pair of unsuspecting Betas.
Eat it.
Ooh, that poor child was ganked
in the jungle.
The Betas have quickly
evened up the playing field.
All right, regroup, regroup.
8-Bits, 8-Bits...
8-Bits, 8-Bits,
8-Bits, 8-Bits...
Go, V! Go!
V, take my lead.
Got it.
- Hey, Dustin's all alone, it's three-on-one.
- My favorite.
Shit, they're all over me.
Where are you guys?
The reigning champs
are on the ropes.
If the Betas don't rally,
they will lose their title.
I got you, Captain.
About time.
- That was brutal.
- No!
That wombo combo just
decimated the 8-Bits.
- Now, that's some real support.
- Support this.
After the two teams trade killing
blows, we're down to just the captains.
Without the support of her team,
the 8-Bits captain is turning tail
and fleeing the mid lane.
Keep running.
Keep trying to run.
Come on, attack me!
You can run all day.
- Ha!
You got this. Patience, V.
Wait. Wait for it.
- Yes! Yes!
The 8-Bits win!
The 8-Bits win!
They've won the title!
Yes! Whoo!
That game was bullshit! Each and
every one of you is replaceable.
Why didn't you do
what you were told?
Good game.
- Keep walking, Ricardo.
- No touching.
Mercedes-Benz proudly presents
your new national
eSports champions,
the Barrett University 8-Bits!
We did it, girls! Yes!
8-Bits, 8-Bits...
- V!
- We did it!
- Look at that thing.
- Owen, hey.
Congrats, you guys killed
the Betas out there.
- And you didn't play.
- As much as I would have loved
to have gotten
my ass kicked by you,
I couldn't be the good guy if I
kept playing with the bad guys.
So, I did a lot of thinking
about it and, you know, I...
- Ooh.
- Ah.
Yeah, the cup's in the way.
Well, that was a moment lost.
- Here we go.
- Whoa.
- Sloane, can you take this?
- Roger that.
You owe me 50 bucks.
- Oh, move, man.
- Police, out of the way!
Stop! You're under arrest!
What is happening?
- Stop struggling.
- Get off me!
You think false threats
are funny?
Damn it! That was Ricardo!
I didn't do it!
- No!
- Show mercy.
- It was Ricardo!
- V, it's an honor to meet you.
I work with Mercedes-Benz. How would
you feel about us sponsoring your team?
- Like at Barrett?
- I was thinking pro.
We're also throwing in a GLA 250
for each member of the team.
Oh, my God!
Yes, yes, yes.
- We're in.
- Oh, my God!
This is for the girls
This is for the girls
All around the world
All around the world
Everybody, come get it
Come get it
Come get it
Come get it
Come get it, come get it
Come get it
This is for the girls
With the attitude
Girls from the avenue
Make a hate-'em attitude
Hit 'em with a stack or two
We come through and execute
Turn it up, go get the booze
Confidence is key
When you're steppin' out
Meet the drummer at
The doorstep for your house
We hit the club
We gon' tear it up
Hey, Mercedes,
how far to Los Angeles?
The current distance to your
destination is 2,791 miles.
Who keeps ass-blasting the Benz?
- My windows won't roll down.
Cut it out, that is wrong!
Ugh, can't open my eyes.
My eyes are burning.
I can't see.
Oh my God, I think
the child locks are on.
- Diane!
- Jesus Christ.
- Suffer!
God, no!
What is wrong with you?
Man, it went right up
my nostrils.
You guys are shaming me
right now.
And it makes me feel
really embarrassed.
Sorry, Diane.
You're seen here. We love you.
But check this out. This is pretty bananas.
This is a Kenny G solo.
- Damn it!
All around the world
All around the world
If you want it Come and get
it Come get it, come get it
Come get it, come get it
Come get it
Come get it, hey
Turn heads when we walking
Turn up when we popping
We did it, ladies.
Congrats on
your national championship.
But we'll see how you do
in the pro circuit.
Well, I didn't get my pension,
but we did get
a win for women everywhere,
which apparently
is most important.
- Go 8-Bits!
- 1UP. Ding-ding.
I'm gonna send you
a roll of quarters.
You're gonna need it,
especially if you're going pro.
Guess who else is going pro?
Me, baby!
So, watch your back, ladies,
'cause the Taint Wizard
is coming!
Fighting for my clan
Hoshido needs protection
See me in the courtroom
Raising up my objections
Infections? Get an injection
Inside my hospital
I'm earning all these bells
Selling insects That are tropical
Mario Kart, tag-team racing
And I'm coming first
Would you rather a group
of orcs capture you,
bring you back to their base,
tie you to a chair,
open your mouth
and make you drink orc mead,
or kiss Ricardo?
- I'm gonna go with the orc mead.
- Yeah, no-brainer, totally hot.
- Yeah, definitely the orcs.
- Yeah, the first one.
- I mean, yeah.
- Hmm, guess I'm an orc girl.
Okay, Ricardo,
I hope you heard all of that.
See you when we get
back from LA.
Bye, Ricardo.
Why did I have to be
naked for this?