2 Lava 2 Lantula! (2016) Movie Script

the damn negotiator?
They said 10 minutes.
10 minutes?
They're all gonna be
dead in 10 minutes.
Sir, I think
we got company.
What the hell
is he doing here?
I don't know. Son of a bitch
thinks he's a hero now.
Well, he's gonna
get us all ki--
Look out, Jack!
Hold your fire!
Hold your fire!
Get down!
No, Jack! No!
Don't leave me, Jack!
Don't leave me! Jack!
Cut! Cut! No!
That's a cut!
Cut! Cut! Cut!
Are those the lines?
Is that the script?
Hey, man,
are you okay?
I think
I hurt my back.
You were
so good, man.
I know why
I quit acting now.
Everything looked
just fine to me.
You looked fine
to me.
Let me rub
that back for you.
Good job, Marty.
Come on.
Come on. Come on.
Let me rub that
for you.
What happened
to the scene?
What happened
to the comedy?
Well, I changed
a few things, kid.
You changed some things?
You can't do that.
Were you gonna
tell anyone?
Well, you know, I--
Wasn't working for me.
It might be
a little too funny.
Yeah, it was
too funny. Yeah.
Too funny?
It's supposed
to be funny.
It's a comedy.
It's called
"Clown Cops."
Yeah, well, my friend--
You came out of
a pizza cop car.
My friend just
got shot, Joshie.
It's a flesh wound.
He lives.
I mean, you seen
the scene.
Have you read
the scene? Have you
read the script?
Yeah, I have,
but my character hasn't.
You know, in my opinion,
it should be
more serious, I think.
You think?
No, you're not
paid to think.
You're paid to act,
I'm paid to direct,
and it's
not going well.
I'm gonna have
to tell the studio.
I don't want to have
to tell the studio.
No. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Joshie, no, no, no.
You know what it is?
I'm--Whoa! I'm crashing.
That's the problem.
I'm crashing.
Are you okay?
Low blood sugar!
Whoa! Whoa! Chair!
Chair! Chair! Chair!
Whoo hoo hoo!
I'm telling you, I'm no good--
Where's Kyle?
Maybe I need a salad
or something. Kyle!
Yes, Mr. West.
Kyle! Lips! Lips!
Quickly! Quickly!
Well, okay.
Kyle, where's that salad,
the kale salad
from Lou's?
There was a problem,
Mr. West.
A problem?
Your credit card
maybe was declined.
Who knows? I don't--
Um, this is
very lovely.
Just go
get some food.
Get your blood sugar
into just a nice
comfy place...
I need something.
Thank you.
and then you
come back here...
Thank you.
and then read
the freaking scene
as scripted!
I promise. I pro--Ooh.
This is nice.
This is
a nice sport coat.
Where's this from?
It's from
my grandfather.
It's beautiful,
really beautiful,
I'm sorry I snapped.
It's okay.
It happens.
Just read the scene.
It's moviemaking. Okay.
All right, people,
we're resetting!
Back to one!
I'll be better!
I'll be better.
I swear I'll be better.
What happened?
What happened
with the credit card?
How'd it get declined?
Well, there were several
suspicious charges...
in Fort Lauderdale.
Fort Lauderdale? Who's
in Fort Lauderdale? I--
Gee. Look, just call
the credit card company.
Approve the charges.
Get my kale salad,
and do s--
Wow, you're so muscular.
Looks nice.
You're working out.
Sort of.
Good. Okay.
I'm not.
Fort Lauderdale?
Fort Lauderdale?
Who said I was
in Fort Lauderdale?
Your best friends,
Amex and Visa.
Hey, will you
pass me that
mango colada?
Hey! Shh.
COLTON: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's not code name
for a science book?
Mango colada?
No, it's a beverage.
Well, that's alcohol,
and it's Friday.
I'm 21, and I'm parched.
Besides, we didn't
have class today,
so we have
a three-day weekend.
Some of us
went to the beach,
so stop freakin' out.
I'm not freakin' out,
okay? Look,
I'm supposed to be
looking after you while
your mother's gone.
How am I supposed
to do that when I
can't find you?
I'm not 10. I don't have
to tell you everything.
Well, you know what?
You do, as long
as I'm paying for it.
I'm fine,
and I don't need
my stepdad babysitting me.
You're not checking up
on Mom every day
while she's halfway
across the world on
some yoga retreat, are you?
Hey, you know what,
You're not
your mother, okay?
And she had
a very tough year
last year.
You know that.
My mom's gonna be fine.
And, no, you're right.
I wasn't there.
I was stuck
in a library for 72 hours
studying for finals week,
being responsible,
which is why you can
trust me now, Colt.
I do trust you, Raya,
and I know you could
take care of yourself.
I know
you're responsible.
And, Raya...
you can call me Dad.
My God.
My God.
My God.
What just happened?
Nothing good.
They're here.
Watch out!
God! Raya!
Help me!
We have
to go!
Hey, this is Raya.
Leave me a message.
Raya, call me back.
It's your dad.
This is Lisa Johnson,
and I am here
in the downtown district
of Fort Lauderdale
after massive sinkholes
all over the city
have birthed another wave
of lavalantulas.
And almost a year ago
to the day
where they first
wreaked havoc on Los Angeles.
The big question
on everyone's mind
right now
is when will the military
take action?
Or does Florida
need Colton West?
This is Lisa Johnson
signing off from downtown
Fort Lauderdale.
I'm not
doing this again.
Hey, did you feel that?
Hey, man, this is
not California.
Things do not shake
like this in Florida.
Not outside
of South Beach,
Are you all right?
Army helicopters,
I'm having
a bad dj vu.
No, you're not.
Were you
on the phone
with somebody?
Yeah, my daughter, Raya.
Where's she at?
Fort Lauderdale.
Man, I heard
that's where the epicenter
of all this mess is.
Come on, Colton.
What would Red Rocket do, man?
Where are those guns
you were working on?
You okay?
This is a modified
XM25 Counter Defilade
Target Engagement System,
specially designed
to shoot armor-piercing
50-millimeter rounds
and my favorite,
liquid-nitrogen bombs.
The Army likes
to call this...
the Punisher.
And Swiss Army knife
in the clip.
But with
our modifications,
I call her
a cold day in Hell.
Ha ha ha.
Have you tested it?
Nope, but she's
pretty as hell.
Mr. West, they're
calling everyone
back to set.
Go ahead.
We're not going
back to set, Kyle.
Excuse me?
When you signed
up for this,
you knew what it
was gonna entail,
didn't you?
Yes, Mr. West.
And you said it was okay
with you, didn't you?
Yes, Mr. West.
So I gotta know, punk,
are you in,
or are you out?
If it means I can stop
getting your salads
and start shooting
spiders, Mr. West,
then I am all in.
Who's shooting spiders?
No, the only thing we're
doing is shooting a scene,
a very large,
expensive scene
that's going
tens of thousands of dollars
over budget every minute.
Calm down, Joshie.
Here's the deal.
I'm gonna go
take a whiz,
and then you and I,
Mr. Director,
we're gonna make
movie magic.
Okay. Sounds good.
I have a good feeling
about this.
Ho ho ho.
Let's do it!
Get my bag.
I can't.
I can't. I can't.
No, no, no.
Not again.
Not again.
Not again.
you have to.
one more time.
You all better
be be safe.
Safe is our middle name.
Okay, everyone,
we're back in two minutes.
Get the helicopter
back up in the air.
we can't do that.
Why the hell not?
Colton just,
hijacked it.
You know I'm gonna get
fired for this, Mr. West.
You know you're gonna
get a Purple Heart
for this, Lester.
No. The circuits
are probably overloaded.
Keep dialing, Kyle.
Hey, Colt, Colt, Colt!
We got trouble down there!
Take a look!
LESTER: You're crazy.
This is as far as I go,
Mr. West.
My God.
My God,
this is not happening!
Damn it.
I know. I know.
We have
to keep it together.
No! We have to get
out of here, all of us.
The others.
We have to go.
They're at the bar!
Okay, you know, I don't feel
so good after that flight.
Just what are we gonna do?
We gotta help
every man, woman,
and child in that order.
Gotta get everybody
outta here,
and we haven't even
tested these yet.
Shoot it!
Gun's not working!
It should work!
No, it isn't.
If it was working,
I would have done it!
Shoot it!
Yeah. Yeah!
You okay, Mr. West?
Hell to the yeah, baby!
Gun works.
Go easy on
the explosives, man.
Just use
the 50 millimeter
There's only 100
per round.
Don't tell me
what to do.
You got a stepfather,
don't you?
Depends on who you ask,
but yeah.
Do you call him Dad?
Yeah. Sometimes.
If I was
your stepfather,
would you call me Dad?
You would?
Now go get us
a vehicle!
Okay, Dad.
Ooh! We're going in!
We have to hurry.
I know.
My God.
The music's still on.
Where's Jen and Claudia?
I don't know.
Maybe they left
before us.
Without telling us?
I'm really worried.
Me, too. We have to get
everyone out of here.
Hey, guys!
Hey, guys!
Listen to us!
Stop the music!
Lavalantulas are coming!
Never heard of 'em!
They're coming!
but I don't have
that record yet!
I can't play
what I don't have!
No! No!
Listen to me!
You have to clear
everyone out of here!
The city's on fire!
Hear that?!
This city is on fire!
No! No!
No! That's not
what I meant!
Whoo hoo hoo!
Cut the music!
Cut the music!
Come on! Raya!
has to leave!
Get it off!
Come on!
MAN: Help me! Aah!
We gotta split up.
Not a good idea.
I said split up.
Not a good idea.
Just do it!
Yeah, I said it before.
You lookin'
for something, pig?
No. A pig? A cop?
No, no, no.
I'm not a cop.
Help! Help me!
Help me, please!
Okay, pig cop,
you can die, too.
Makes no matter
to me, pendejo.
No, no, no, no,
you gotta listen to me.
There's spiders
all over the city
w-with flames coming
out of their mouth.
Flames coming out
of their mouths!
I mean,
look, if we don't
all get out of here,
we're gonna be corpses,
believe me.
Or not.
Come with me!
Hey! Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey,
Who dat?
Who dat? Who dat?
Say hello
to my little friend!
cmo se llamo?
I'm Dave.
Nice to meet you.
Mi hermana
tiene cataro.
I'm American!
I didn't know.
Run, Dave!
I owe you my life!
Let's go! Yaah!
Aww, Dave!
Wait up, man.
Have some of this!
Have some of this,
some of this,
and some of that!
Have some of this and
some of this and some of that!
They dead?
I don't know.
Aah! Aah!
Get it off!
Can't get it off!
Come on! Come on!
Let's go!
MARTY: Man, it's
a tad breezy out here.
Yeah, we gotta Kyle Reese
this situation ASAP.
Where the hell is he?
I don't know.
It's so hot out here,
I could fry an egg
on my face.
Nice ride, Kyle.
Get out.
He's driving, Switek.
Let's go.
Come on.
Your stuff's in the back!
Thank you,
Detective Gina.
Yeah. You're in the back.
Let me have it.
Let's go.
Where are we going?
I can't run anymore!
We have to get
out of here!
I'm fine.
I just got burned
back at the club.
It's nothing.
It's just
slightly burned.
We have to get you
some medication.
Screw the medication!
What are we gonna do?
I have an idea.
Where are you going?
How we doing
back there, Kyle?
there's nothing yet,
but I did find her
on that "Find My Phone" app,
and she's still
in Fort Lauderdale.
Hey, hey, hey!
Castillo finds out,
we're both busted again.
All right.
First, we save Raya.
Then we
save Florida.
Yeah? You save Raya.
You save Florida.
You save California.
Who's gonna save us?
We did it in L.A.
We'll do it here.
We get this wrong,
we're gonna get a burn notice.
What is this place?
What is this?
This is sick,
what we need.
Hey, hey, hey!
Don't touch that,
man! What you doing?
That's nothing to play with!
Okay, that's loaded
with super-cold,
compressed liquid nitrogen.
I use it for house parties.
Nah, I use it to freeze
the crap out of spiders,
so please just put it down
before you hurt somebody.
Put it down.
My gosh!
I just said put it down!
This is a workplace, TJ!
Safety first!
I know. I just told 'em--
You good, bro?
I told 'em
to put it down.
Yo, I look like I got
eight legs and spit lava?
Sorry. I'm sorry.
What the hell
they doing here anyway?
I don't know. They just
let themselves in.
We really need a car.
Well, that's
a $10,000 deposit
and a three-month
waiting list.
Lavalantulas are
tearing up the entire city.
Yo, she right, TJ.
Probably be
a four-month
waiting list.
Did you just hear her?
We all have
to get out of here!
We all heard her.
Half my family's
from Los Angeles.
They were all killed
by the lavalantulas,
rest their souls.
That's why I made this gun.
True. Now bye, Felicias.
Yeah, well,
my stepfather
was the guy who killed
them all, okay?
Wait a minute.
Colton West?
That's your father?
Stepfather, and yes.
Yo, that man's a legend.
He's the reason
I made this gun.
Ain't that right, Brick?
Yo, "Swamp Justice,"
crazy movie.
Crazy movie. Crazy--
Hey, yo,
what's wrong with her?
She was burned
by the spiders.
She really needs help,
so are you guys
gonna help us or what?
Yo, duck. Brick!
Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa! Stop!
Is there a problem,
You can't
get through this way.
You have to turn back.
Hey, yo,
what's up, M.P.s?
We need to get
to Fort Lauderdale.
That's not possible.
Listen, officer--
Get back
inside the car, sir.
We have a serious
I know.
That's why we're here.
No one can get through.
All the roads have
been closed off.
Look, I don't know if
you fellas watch the news,
but we took care
of these guys
in Los Angeles.
My name is Colton West,
authorized movie star.
I know who you are,
Mr. West.
I don't care
if you're the President
of the United States.
No one's getting through.
What the heck are those?
For killing spiders!
All right,
everyone freeze.
Hands up in the air.
Nobody move.
Officers! Look!
Get down!
Give me the gun!
Give me the gun!
Hurry up!
Gun! Give me the gun!
Come on, man!
Get us out of here!
Look out!
Okay, let's go.
Yo, fool,
be careful!
My God!
My God! Hurry!
BRICK: That's what
I'm talking about, boy!
Let's go.
KYLE: If we keep driving
in the Glades like this,
we are going
to get stuck.
I hate being right.
Wahh wahh wahh.
Phone call!
Phone call!
Phone call!
It's Wyatt.
Probably asking
for money.
Wyatt? Wyatt?
Dad. Dad, are you
hearing the news?
Yeah. Thank God, son.
You're okay. Thank God.
It's happening
again in Florida.
I am freaking out right now.
No, no, no. Wait.
What do you mean, son?
What do you mean,
you're freaking out?
Why are you
freaking out?
"Why?" What do you mean,
why? You're in Florida.
Raya is in Florida.
Wait. Where are you?
I'm--I'm on a movie set.
I'm not in the jungle.
I'm not stuck
in the Everglades,
and--and I'm not
chasing lavalantulas.
Who said anything
about the Everglades?
I didn't say--
Nothing. I'm just--
Nothing, son.
I'm okay.
Raya's okay.
We're all fine.
We're gonna get
out of here.
Give my love
to your mom.
I love you
very much, Wyatt.
Okay, Dad.
I love you, too.
And I'll
see you soon.
So you can get
a video chat from Wyatt,
but can't
get ahold of Raya.
Technology. Go figure.
and the fricking
Everglades, man.
I'm--I've had enough
of this place, man.
Where's my can of Raid?
I'm hot, and I'm thirsty,
and I'm tired.
Kyle, you just
left the car.
Dead end,
multiple directions.
Plan D?
Why Florida?
You ever wonder
why Florida?
No! I mean,
all the crazy crap
that happens
in this country
happens in this state!
A man ate another man
on the side of the freeway.
I mean, a couple had
to remove their time machine
from their driveway.
A time machine
from their driveway!
Just last month,
a man was arrested
for having sex
with an alligator.
No offense, Florida!
But I'm surprised it
didn't happen here first!
A man and
an alligator? Really?
Yeah, yeah.
Looked it up
on the Internet,
one of those sites.
Don't go there.
Marty, if that's you,
I'm gonna shoot you
in the foot.
What do you
expect, man?
We're outside of
a floating house.
What kind
of a house is this?
I don't know.
I'm sure they got a boat,
and that's what we need.
They don't even
have a yard. God.
All right.
Split up.
Hey, man,
I don't want to split up.
Every time we split up,
what happens?
Like in the damn movies, man.
I don't want to split up.
Marty, help me out.
Just go around.
Come on, man.
Let's go around.
The dude said
split up, man.
Go around.
Go ahead.
Still alive.
Shh. Quiet.
You see?
Over there
on my wood crapper.
Over there.
I see you.
Boy, you smell purty.
Where are we going?
these spiders
Where's that?
We ain't never been
to Pittsburgh before.
What are you even
talking about?
BRICK: Whoa!
Slow down, TJ!
What is that?
RAYA: The road!
Great! Now what?
Stay here.
Brick, how we gonna
get around that?
I don't know.
Yeah, this hole--
Look out!
Look up!
Let's do this!
I'm out.
My God.
Me, too, bro. Damn.
Whoa! Back up!
Hey, get us outta here!
TJ: I got a plan.
You colder than
a penguin's toenail.
My God.
Look at that.
That is amazing.
Yo, but we out
of liquid nitrogen.
How the hell we supposed
to get more of that now?
The school
at the medical lab.
What school?
Miami North University
just a few miles
down the road.
We go there.
Yo, what's the mascot?
I--I don't know.
I'm a medical student.
But they keep a stockpile
of it for experiments.
I do not like this idea.
I like it.
Yo, I do not
like this idea!
What the heck was that?
It's a little girl.
No, no, no!
They're okay! They're okay!
He's okay.
We're being hunted.
What that was
was the first wave.
What do you mean,
"first wave"?
Well, first
there were them,
snakehead frankenfish.
Then everybody got crazy
about them Burmese pythons.
And now we got,
Don't they know how delicate
our ecosystem is out here?
All right. How do we
get to Fort Lauderdale?
Well, I'd say your best bet...
is I-95.
National Guard
closed it.
can you get us
across anyway?
Can we just take
that boat right there?
That boat's got
a flat tire.
Strange things
have been happening.
I ain't been
out there in weeks.
COLTON: Why is that?
about two weeks ago,
the manatees
started beaching
Didn't think
much of it.
Then all of a sudden,
these outcroppings
started to rise
from the Glades.
Look, I appreciate
your passion
for this stuff,
but we got
a life-and-death
Mister, you're
talking to Florida's
number one gator man.
Name's Jim Dundee.
But, hey,
strawberry, you can
call me Alligator.
A-Alligator Dundee?
Well, it's like,
Alligator Dundee,
it's kind of like...
Kind of like what?
Well, it's
quite similar to--
Like a superhero
doing his thing.
Yeah, you know.
It's nothing!
It's nothing!
Look, can you
get us across?
You wanna get across?
Then you talk to me.
But I thought that's
what we were doing.
Do what?
Talking to you.
I'm talking to you
to talk to me.
Yeah, I know.
I said you talk to me.
No, I understand that.
Then who you talking to?
I apologize.
Do you have a boat
that works?
Do I have a boat that works?
Sure. Follow me.
It's deserted.
RAYA: There must have
been an evacuation.
If there was
an evacuation,
then either
spiders are coming,
or they're here.
We need to get in and out
as quickly as possible.
Help her.
We need to talk.
Your friend,
was she burned or bit?
I don't know. Why.
Your father, Colton,
he didn't tell you
what happened in L.A.?
I mean, I know what
everyone else knows,
but my family
doesn't like
to talk about it.
No, I heard some
crazy stuff that happened
when people got bit.
Like what?
I don't know.
I'm not from L.A.,
so I don't know.
I'm not even--
Like what?
I heard
that if you got bit,
you become a host
to baby spiders,
like, thousands of 'em.
Like, they just,
you know, burst
out of your body.
You know
what I'm saying?
That's what I heard,
all right?
She got burned,
So is that
little strawberry
a real close friend
of yours?
Yeah, yeah,
just a distant relative.
I'm right here.
I can hear you.
There you go!
Look at that
right there.
an outcropping.
Boy, I ain't
ever seen anything
like that
in my whole life.
Have you ever seen
anything like that?
Didn't I just say that?
Hey, Colton, what do
you think that is?
Hell of a coincidence.
All right!
Over there! Over there!
Come on!
Get some of this!
Come on! Come on!
On the crapper!
On the crapper!
I want some of this!
Get down!
Off to the boat!
To the boat!
Let's go!
KYLE: Have ever seen them
do this before?!
It's a new breed!
Get in the boat!
Just get in the boat! Yah!
Get that knife
behind you!
Kill that thing, man!
You okay?
I'm okay.
I got you.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I got you.
No, I feel secure.
You do.
No, I feel safe.
There's one!
Come on, man!
Get us out of here, man!
Go! Go! Go!
I mean, we were stuck
inside a ring of lava!
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, but we sure taught
those guys something.
We gave them two cents,
We took the fight
to those suckers!
Wait. Is this where
my highly paid star is?
Taking the fight
to these things?
I ain't saying anything.
Here come
the cavalry!
Come on, guys.
Where's Colton West?
Good. Are you guys
here to evacuate us?
I am Colonel
Nathan R. Jester
with the Army Corps
of Engineers,
and I'm looking
for a Colton West.
I was told he was here.
Can you tell me
where I might find
Colton West?
Well, I could think
of a few places.
Well, name one.
The unemployment office.
How 'bout another?
The studio blacklist.
All right.
Where are you going?
Let's set up
a mobile command station
right here!
No. No.
Move out!
N-No one's
going in there!
That is a hot set!
That's a hot set!
That's movie talk for
you can't move anything.
It's movie talk.
Studio blacklist?
You think this is funny?
Colonel Jester,
I don't think
there's anything funny
about this at all. Heh.
Colonel Jester...
is a little bit funny.
It's a little bit funny,
You know, I do not
like your attitude.
You know, no one does.
That's what makes me
a good director.
So are you here
to evacuate us or what?
Well, we'll talk
about that.
But right now,
for the fourth time,
I'm gonna ask you,
can you tell me where
I can find Colton?
This is a matter
of national security.
he could be
on a fan boat
in the middle
of the Everglades
for all I know.
What's happening?
How's Gator?
Not good, man.
Jim's dead, Colton.
I think I can save him!
Come on!
I stopped the bleeding,
or he ran out of blood,
one of the two.
He's gone, yo.
Do you even know
where you're going?
Kyle, we're in a swamp.
Of course I don't know
where we're going.
Got it.
Go that way!
No, no, no, no, no.
That way!
where they at?
Where they at?
Where we at?
What's up, man?
Hey, yo, Brick.
Don't lose these.
Are you okay, girl?
I think my burn is
making me feel sick.
Okay. You're gonna
be fine, okay?
Aw, man.
Hey, guys,
it's a cold room.
Come on.
In here.
TJ: Ooh. Damn,
it's cold in here.
It has to be
to keep things fresh.
We got 'em.
MARTY: Come on.
Is everybody okay?
still dead, man.
I meant
you girls!
I'm fine.
Where the hell
are we, Kyle?
Give me a second.
Um, um--
By my calculations,
we're about 40 miles west
of Fort Lauderdale.
That's not good enough!
We gotta get to Raya!
Well, she's--
Hey, wait.
She's at her school.
Wait a minute!
Why would she go
to her school?
Because she wants
to be a geologist.
All right, we gotta
get to that school.
What about--
What about Alligator,
who died
of natural causes?
That's what
he would have wanted.
He's a swamp man.
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait a minute.
News flash.
We are in the middle
of nowhere!
Hear that?
I smell popcorn.
And I'm
gonna eat it.
ANNOUNCER: She's been
with us for 20 years!
That's right.
We call her Mean Green.
She ain't the biggest,
but she's the meanest
captive alligator
in the Everglades!
an alligator show.
That's not part
of the show.
Keep going! Go!
Move! Move! Move!
Keep going!
Come on!
Come on!
Keep moving, everyone!
Keep moving!
Keep moving!
Keep moving!
Move it! Move it!
Move! Move it!
Yo, let's load
the guns up, bro.
Where the guns at?
Don't you have 'em?
Man, do I look
like I got 'em?
Dude, I told you
to get 'em from the truck.
That ain't
what you said.
Man, yeah, I did, man.
You told me to help
what's-his-face here!
No, I didn't, man!
Okay, enough!
I'll grab the guns.
All right, I'll help you
if that's what
you trying to do.
Back away from
the lavalantula.
It's not doing anything.
What is happening?
Why isn't it
attacking me?
It's like
it doesn't see you.
It's the cold.
That has to be it.
We're so cold that it
doesn't see us a-as living.
You mean,
because I'm freezing,
it sees me as a chair?
Nah, it probably
sees me as a chair.
It probably sees you
as like a couch or something.
Whatever. So as long as we
are cold, we're safe?
Well, we're gonna die
if we stay in here,
and we're gonna die
if we go out there.
Man, wish we had guns
right now.
But maybe if we keep
our body temperature
cold enough,
we can go get the guns.
With the liquid
nitrogen tanks.
Like they use
in cryotherapy.
Cryo-what? What--
Therapy. It's the use
of really low temperatures
in medical treatments.
That's it.
BRICK: I don't
like this idea.
I do not like
this idea.
Ha ha ha.
Y-You saved my life!
Thank you!
My pleasure.
You know who I am,
don't you?
You recognize me
from movies and television?
What about,
Red Rocket?
"Hey, I'm the Red Rocket!"
Or--Or, "There's Hell to Pay!"
What about
the condom commercial
in the nineties?
"This isn't mine.
It's too big!"
No? What about,
"Hey, nice pants."
Nice pants?
"Nice tattoo."
He doesn't know who
you are, Colton! Sorry!
Okay. I'm just trying
to talk to the man.
That chopper,
do you know who owns it?
Zed. Where's Zed?
Zed's dead, man.
Zed's dead.
Well, do you know
how to fly it?
Not a lick!
Okay! Do you mind
if we take it?
If it works!
If it works?
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What's going through
your mind, Colton West?
A little flick
I did in the nineties
called "Air Bandits."
Big hit.
That was 20 years ago.
It was
three hours training.
They cut the scene.
That's not a plan A.
What's your plan B?
I'll catch you later.
I'll catch you later.
You know that one?
Yeah, yeah!
Catch you later!
Catch you later.
He remembers!
Catch you...
Colton, you can't fly
that chopper!
You got 847-to-3 odds.
Never tell me the odds!
And it was
four hours training!
And 25 years ago.
Yo, I'm so cold,
I could hug
a lavalantula right now.
Okay, that should
be enough.
Yeah, we should
be cold enough.
We just gotta head
to the truck
and grab the guns, okay?
But we gotta move slow.
Give me the keys.
I put 'em on the table.
What the--Why?
I didn't want
to lose 'em.
Okay, let's go,
but slowly.
Moving faster will
raise our body temps
too quickly.
And mine
rises much faster
than the rest of y'all's.
Okay, TJ and I
will go out there.
stay with Daniella.
It's safer in here.
And then once we
reload the guns,
we'll come back
for you.
Let's go.
Come on.
Hey, yo, two words!
Don't die.
Come on.
Let's go.
Stay over there.
You gonna be good.
Ooh. Expensive.
All right.
Button, button.
Who's got the button?
COMPUTER: Too low.
No. No.
Yes. Yes.
Just like I remember.
Well, fellas, I think
I'm gonna be pretty good
at this flying thing.
Hey! Hey!
You want my opinion
on that?
Just a little bump
in the road, ladies.
Kyle, I'm gonna
need you to keep an eye
on Raya's coordinates.
You're gonna be
my G.P.S.
I'm gonna need you
to keep us in the air!
You're my pilot!
Piece of cake.
Where they go?
Okay. Almost there.
Get the door.
I am shh!
TJ: Go! Go!
Go, go, go!
Man, I hope they made it.
Brick, can you
please look at my burn?
I feel really weird,
like I'm gonna--
like I'm gonna hurl
or something.
Yo, I'm a mechanic.
I work on cars,
not spider burns.
Brick, please?
All right.
Nah, nothing.
Nothing. It looks good.
I don't know what it
was like before,
but you gonna be
all right.
It doesn't hurt
as bad as before.
I think the cold
is helping it.
Get out of here.
Open the door! No.
Come on.
Come on!
What happened?
Raya, no.
Where's Daniella?
Raya. Raya.
She ain't gonna make it!
What? No!
Take her! Go!
Raya, no!
Raya, come on!
We can't leave her!
No! Come on!
We're right above her!
I'm gonna take her down.
She's moving faster!
That could
only mean--
She's in trouble.
Aw, man.
Are you sure you
can land this thing?
Never underestimate me,
You know that.
Brick, my gun's jammed.
save your ammo, man!
There's way
too many of 'em.
They're too lava,
too lantula!
Get outta here.
Brick! No, man! No!
We have to go, TJ!
Let's do this!
Man, I don't want
to die today.
We're not gonna die.
We just have to keep it
Brick's gone, okay?
Brick's gone.
Listen to me.
Listen to me.
I lost
my best friend, too.
But we're gonna
get out of here, okay?
I promise.
Go, go, go!
Go, go! Go, go, go!
Keep going! Keep going!
Don't wait for me!
Keep going.
Where's the gun?
It's still
in the kitchen
right now.
My God.
Damn it.
Come on!
I'm coming.
Leave us alone.
No, no, no.
RAYA: What are
we gonna do?
They're everywhere.
Whoa! Hey!
Yes! Yeah!
Wait. Wait.
Whoa, whoa.
Wait. Wait.
Raya! You got
a boyfriend.
Ho ho.
Thank goodness.
You're okay.
Daniella's dead.
Everyone's dead.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry, honey.
I promise you,
gonna be okay.
I didn't think
you'd come.
Well, if you would answer
your phone once in a while.
What do you mean,
I wouldn't come?
How could I not
come back for you?
You're my daughter.
It's gonna be okay.
That ain't true.
Ain't nothing
gonna be okay.
Who's he?
That's TJ.
Saved my life.
Yo, I'm a great fan,
man, a big fan.
Thanks for coming
for us, man.
I got a gun!
I made a gun,
and you inspired it.
It's in there. I'm gonna
go get it for you.
Okay, you can
thank us later.
Right now
we are not out
of the woods yet.
We've got to find her
and kill her.
Find who?
MARTY: These are just babies.
The mama's
hiding somewhere.
When this happened
in Los Angeles,
the good
Dr. Von Struble gave us
a thermal image of the city.
We were able to find her.
I can do that.
Thermal, spectral,
Last semester,
I did my thesis
on global drought
and raising
global temperatures.
We had access
to all the satellite
Show us, honey.
Just follow me.
You got
a cool-ass daughter,
Mr. West.
Don't even think about it.
I don't want it
crossing your mind.
How you know--
You got me?
All right.
So we gotta get
that chopper operational.
Can you do it?
Come on, man. What happens
every time we split up?
Weird stuff happens.
Come on, Marty.
How 'bout we split up
I get the chopper,
and I'll meet you out front.
Great idea.
All right? Cool.
Sir. We think we've
located Colton West.
Well, get him on the line.
What did you do
to my set?
You wrecked my set!
Did I hear you
Did you find
that S.O.B.?
Did you find them?
Are they okay?
Will you get these morons
out of my office?
Yes, sir.
Wait! Th-This is crazy!
You can't take me off
my own movie set, General!
It is Colonel, and this is
now a military operation.
I can do whatever
the hell I want to do.
Now, Private, please get
these people out of my face!
Don't you touch me!
I'm gonna go
under my own accord.
Don't let me die
on "Clown Cops"!
This can't be
my last movie.
We're so overbudget.
Something like this?
Exactly like that.
Now zoom in on Miami.
And you thought I was
only partying, Colt.
When did I say that?
I never said that.
I never said you were
only partying.
So that's it?
You think that's
the mamalantula?
That is one
massive heat signature
under Miami.
Whatever it is,
it is huge.
the mamalantula?
No, no, no, no.
That's much, much bigger.
That's no mamalantula.
That's a freaking
TJ: Mamalantulantula.
The--The mama tarantula?
No. Gargantulantula.
What? Is it--
Gor--The gorgantula? No.
it's a gargantulantula.
It's a gor--
With an "O"?
No, with a G-A-R, gar.
What's the last part?
Say it slow. Just say--
It's very, very bad.
It's very bad.
That's the government.
How do you know that?
'Cause it's ringing
really weird.
Colton West?
Yeah, this is,
Colonel Nathan R. Jester.
You are familiar
with the situation
down in Florida?
Yeah, slightly.
Yeah, well,
you are the only one
that has successfully
dealt with these things...
I'm sorry.
and, I need your help,
and I need your team.
Then come pick us up.
No can do.
You're located
in a hot zone.
Yeah, in a hot zone.
Believe me, I been
through this before.
- I know you have.
- I know you have.
Well, I got an idea.
If you listen to me, I--
No, you listen to me,
It's Colonel.
you listen to me.
You position
your satellites
for a thermal image
of Miami stat.
You found her.
I found something,
'cause this one
makes the one in L.A.
look like a flea.
Heh. So we find her,
we root her out,
and we blow her up.
I'm no expert,
but the heat signature
on this one
is like something
I've never seen before.
It worked once.
It'll work again.
We strike hard,
we strike first,
and we show no mercy.
No, these aren't
like the ones in L.A.
They're bigger.
They're hotter.
They're nastier.
So what are you suggesting,
that we just,
simply do nothing
and move on?
Suggesting you
don't piss it off.
I don't want you
and your--your friends
to do anything real stupid
like the last time.
I don't have friends.
I got family.
Well, I got bombs,
so you and your family
can just stay tight.
We'll check out your map.
We'll get
a confirmation to you.
Don't hang up on me.
They want us
to sit tight.
Sit tight? How can anyone
sit tight right now?
They're gonna
get us all killed.
Colton, this is
the U.S. military
we're talking about.
Kyle, you know I have
a problem with authority.
Nobody, nobody knows
these spiders
like I know
these spiders.
thermal images are up.
He's right.
Whatever that is,
it's huge.
That is the behemoth
of all spiders.
Get CENTCOM on the line.
We're gonna
smoke her out.
Then we're
gonna light her ass up.
We're gonna
light her ass up.
What happened
to the chopper?
We can't get
to the chopper!
Why not?
Remember when I told you
that every time
we split up,
weird stuff happens?
Well, I was
on my way to the--
And all of a sudden--
And then what?
So what do we do?
Does anybody
have a car?
TJ: I do.
I don't understand
why we can't just sit back
and let the military
handle this.
'Cause they don't know.
And they
don't know.
You keep saying that.
What don't they know?
They haven't ridden
on the back of one
of these things like I have,
And he has.
And they haven't
looked in the eyes
of one of these things
like I have.
And he has.
I think you made
a wrong turn.
Yo, yo, chill out.
This is my hood,
We're dead.
What's happening?!
TJ, shut
the hell up,
and get down!
They're shooting at us!
COLTON: They're not
shooting at us.
Let's go.
Get 'em!
Let's go!
There's so many of 'em!
No! No! No!
Are you Colton West?
Damn skippy.
"Red Rocket."
Crazy movie, man.
Yeah. They should
have continued
the franchise.
Look out, man!
Come on!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What are you doing
with my punk-ass brother?
Who you calling punk-ass,
man? We over here
saving Florida.
'Bout to get medieval
on y'all.
Dad, get back
in the house, man!
You two stand back.
I'm gonna show you boys
how it's done.
What is that, sir?
Fire retardant.
Well, whatever
the hell it is,
it chased them
the hell away.
You have any more of it?
I'm out.
I'm out of ammo.
Everybody back
in the house.
All right. Come on.
When they return...
Go in, Pops. Go in.
they're gonna be pissed.
This is Delta One.
Target is in sight.
We have missile lock.
Copy that.
Operation Alpha Foxtrot
is a full go.
Roger that.
Let her have it, boys.
We have direct hit, sir.
Well, that should
wake her ass up?
It's--It's a nice night,
all things considering.
Yeah. It's all right.
I loved "Straight Out
of Compton."
Yeah, I know he's busy,
busy destroying
this entire city.
He doesn't know
what he's dealing with.
Now put him
on the damn phone.
What do you want?
The little spiders,
they don't matter.
It's the big one,
the gargantulantula.
You kill it,
and you kill 'em all.
Who's he talking to?
Well, if it's that easy,
why don't you just
get some bug spray?
I've done this before.
These lavalantulas,
they're not like
the last ones,
and this big one,
it's got so much heat,
no weapon
can come close to it.
I'm about
to prove you wrong.
Who's hungry?
Really, Mom,
who could eat at
a time like this?
A man's got to eat.
Now shut your mouth,
and put some food in it
before I slap you
upside the head,
damn boy!
What's wrong with you?
You don't
question your mama
in front of guests.
I was just saying
I wasn't hungry.
Well, make
your butt hungry.
Lord, is this
what it takes
for a mama
to get her kids
back in the house
at the same time,
a damn
lavalantula invasion?
if I'd have known that,
I'd have called up
them lavalantulas
years ago.
Woman, what's wrong
with you?
You can't call
no lavalantula.
Don't tell me what I can
and can't do.
I got Colton West
up in my house,
a real movie star.
That's very kind
of you, ma'am, and
completely accurate.
Don't interrupt me,
movie star.
You need to eat, too.
Look skinnier
than you did
20 years ago
in that
"Crimson Flyer" movie.
It's actually
called "Red Rocket,"
and it was
a huge hit.
Ooh, that's
the potatoes.
Elizabeth, you know
them potatoes give me gas.
You gonna
eat some potatoes,
or I'm gonna
make you wear 'em.
Sir, can you tell me again
what was that material
that you were shooting
out of your leaf blower?
Fire retardant?
Yeah, it's
ammonium phosphate.
That's right.
Girl got a brain.
TJ, why can't you find
a girl like that?
What are you
talking about, Pops?
I do. She--She right here,
ain't she?
Hal, where do you
get that stuff?
Pops used to work
for a fire department.
30 years.
You know, I played
a psychologically
complicated fireman
with a drinking problem
in the hit film,
I didn't really care
for that movie very much.
They should have consulted
a real fireman.
And the fire,
that computer-generated crap,
man, that just
looked silly.
it's Hollywood, Hal.
You know,
I just read 'em.
I don't write 'em.
But, anyway,
do you have any more
of that stuff
down at the station?
Hell if I know, man.
I ain't been to the station
since they cut
my damn pension.
But I can tell you
where they got a load
of it, though.
At the airfield,
at the Forest Service.
That's where we
drop it out of planes
for forest fires.
Know anybody
who could fly one
of those planes?
You're looking at him.
First job I had when
I got out the Air Force.
Colton, is there
something on your mind?
I'm thinking.
one of those planes,
we'd never get
close enough to drop it.
That big one,
the heat coming
off of it,
would explode
the plane immediately.
Yeah, or if we even
try to get close,
she'll shoot
that cilica garbage
or whatever that is,
and we would fry.
At the school, when we
were being attacked,
the spiders
didn't see us.
She's right.
We got so cold in there.
We lowered
our body temperature
enough that we
were invisible to them.
So have you got any guys
who could help us load
one of those planes?
Not a problem.
And have you
got any guys
who can get us
to that airfield?
BOTH: Not a problem.
And how do you feel
about helping me
beat that thing and
saving this city?
ALL: Not a problem.
Then let's
extinguish the bitch.
Heavenly Father.
Breaking news.
Live pictures coming in
now from downtown Miami
at Imagination Stadium.
We can now see
what the military
has been targeting
with those airstrikes.
My goodness.
It's a giant lavalantula.
The entire stadium
has been reduced to rubble.
Let's move out.
that sure as hell ain't
no itsy-bitsy spider.
She's really big, sir.
Blow her up.
Target is live.
Proceed and destroy.
Roger that.
All right, fellas,
you heard the man.
Let's go light her up.
Tommy's hit!
We're too close!
Pull up! Pull up!
It's not working, sir!
Nothing is getting through!
Gimme, gimme. I'm gonna
maintenance these.
Thanks a lot. Yes, yes.
What the hell
are you do--
Zip it, Colton!
You were a pain
in the ass when your career
was going in the toilet,
and you're a bigger
pain in the ass now!
That's what
you risked your life for
to tell me?
I know what you're up to.
Are you out of your mind?!
No, I've never
been clearer.
I think I found
a higher calling.
Higher calling, my ass.
You want to waltz into cities
and save millions,
you go through me.
I'm your agent!
You think Hollywood pays well?
Well, wait'll we hit up
Uncle Sam for your services.
Ooh. Really?
Now you want
to save a city...
they go through me.
and we're gonna
make millions.
Millions? Millions.
Millions! Millions!
I gotta go
save the world.
All right.
I'm gonna make some calls.
That's my agent.
You came to me.
Go get 'em!
Amazing! Came to me!
Go get 'em!
All right,
what's the number
for San Francisco?
She can drop
90,000 gallons
of fire retardant
on a target
before you can call
for more peanuts.
That good enough
for you?
That'll be just fine.
This is gonna be
a dangerous flight, Hal.
Man, I've flown
through stuff
turn your butt whiter
than you already are.
Ain't no spider
gonna take me down.
This is not
your average spider.
That's great,
but in my world,
if it's got eight legs,
it's a damn spider.
Heh. Now we gonna keep
wasting time talking,
or we gonna go ahead
and take her out?
We're gonna take her out.
Sir, the missiles
can't get through.
Well, target the ground
near her feet.
Maybe she'll sweep the leg.
We can't, sir.
It's her heat signature.
Nothing's getting close.
The missiles
are detonating
before they can impact.
Colton was right.
She's too hot.
Well, it's time
for an alternative.
Alternative, sir?
Get the President
on the horn.
We just may have
to nuke my little darlin'
straight back to hell.
Sir, if we do that,
you'll destroy
the entire state.
Let's hope that's all.
Good people of Florida,
your state has come under attack
from one of the worst menaces
known to modern history,
a creature so heinous,
it can only come
from the pits of Hell,
and if we don't stop it,
millions of people will die,
and your great city
will be reduced to ashes.
But not on my watch!
Do you know what people say
about the great state
of Florida?
It's too humid.
Yeah, yeah,
th-they actually do say that.
What does this Angeleno know
about the great state
of Florida?
Florida is a state of winners!
Can you tell me
what NFL team
is the only team to be
undefeated in history?
The Dolphins!
The Dolphins!
That's right.
The Dolphins from '72.
And where did the king,
LeBron James,
go to get
his championship ring?
That's right, Miami.
And which state
has the most beautiful beaches,
the hottest women,
the most golf courses?
And the only state to have
no state income tax?
South Dakota's one.
It's true, but, Arni,
I'm trying to do
a hero thing here.
You asked
a question!
I know, but give me a break!
When aliens
come to visit,
which state
do they choose?
She's just kidding.
There are no aliens
in Florida.
I don't know
anything about aliens,
but I do know when
the United States of America
sends a rocket into space,
they don't send it
from Oregon
or South Dakota or Nevada.
They send it from...
I won this fight
in Los Angeles,
and fate has brought me
here to Florida,
and together, there's
no way we're gonna lose.
Amen. Yeah.
Tonight we win!
ALL: We win! We win!
We win! We win!
That's right.
That's right.
Can somebody
help me down?
I got you, buddy!
I got you.
Thank you, Arni.
Swing your leg down.
I have to swing
my legs down.
Okay, then I go--
All right.
1, 2, 3. Go!
Yo, Arni! My God!
Colt, if the missiles
can't get close enough
without detonating,
how are you gonna
get close enough
in the plane?
I got this, sweetie.
You just stay here
in the hangar.
I'll be back.
You better be back.
Love you.
Get some coolant
right here.
Let's go ahead
and mark it off.
Hey, we're all clear
over here.
...3, Philadelphia.
300,000 for Allentown.
Hey, turn that up.
Continuing our
live coverage now
of this catastrophic event.
Miami has been evacuated,
and the military continues
to pound this enormous beast
in what is now being called
"Arachnid Freedom."
COLTON: Hal, how do we get
close enough to that thing
without being seen?
If we take her high enough,
the plane will freeze.
Mr. West, stand by
for Colonel Jester.
COL. JESTER: Colton!
How's it going, Colonel?
I think you damn well know
how it's going, Mr. West.
Don't you worry.
We got a plan that'll
save us all.
Well, we got
our own plan.
No, no, no.
You cannot nuke Miami, sir.
That's insane.
Well, who said
anything about that?
I've made that movie,
and it always
ends with nukes.
You just can't do it.
You gotta trust me
on this one.
Sir, we picked up
a C-130 entering
the restricted no-fly zone.
Colton, is that you
riding through
a restricted
air zone?
You're gonna
get yourself killed.
I'm trying to tell you
we've got a plan,
but you gotta
listen to me.
I've got 90,000 gallons
of fire retardant
that says I know
what I'm doing.
I love all
your films, Colton,
but we're
out of time
for any Hollywood
half-baked rewrites.
Look, I took one
of these things out
without the military
and without you,
and I'll be damned
if I can't take another,
but I'm gonna
need your he--
The repeated military attacks
on this enormous creature
are failing to have
their intended effect,
but we understand new reports
are filtering in,
and you are
hearing this correctly,
that Colton West is
piloting a civilian aircraft
into the hot zone.
Pull up!
KYLE: Incoming!
COLTON: Brace yourself.
Marty, you guys
all right back there?
We're hit! I repeat,
we're hit, captain!
How bad's the damage?
We're in a plane
full of smoke!
How bad do you
think it is?
It's bad!
It's very, very bad!
Come on, Colton.
No more screwing
around here.
Just hold on.
I do not have time
to hold on,
and neither do you.
We gotta get higher.
Right now,
I'm just hoping
it stays together.
If she sees us,
it won't matter.
Colonel, just trust me.
Get your fighters
in position,
and wait for my mark.
I don't think I could
take her any higher!
Come on! Come on!
Aw, no! No, no! Aw, man,
we're in a stall!
Come on!
He's so bad at this!
Hey, what are you
doing up there?!
Not good!
This is not good!
Come on!
your plane is
in a dead stall.
I'm sorry, but it's time
for my plan now.
No! No nukes,
Don't count
us out yet!
get the payload ready.
Houston, we got
a damn problem.
He's right!
The drop mechanism
is malfunctioning.
The bay doors won't open.
That's not good.
Not good?
Our odds of getting out
of this alive are--
Never tell me
the odds!
You get this plane
out of a stall,
and, Hal, get
the bay doors open.
They're headed
right for her, sir.
That son of a bitch
is going kamikaze on us.
I've got
the controls back!
I'm coming home, Elizabeth!
open the bay doors!
I can't. The mechanism
is still fried, man.
You gotta cut
the hydraulic cables.
What do you mean?
You can't drop
the payload?
We have
no power at all!
The only way
this is gonna work
is manual.
We gotta do it
manual, or we
all die, savvy?
But wait.
We gotta
be closer.
If we drop this now,
it's just gonna
into nothing
over Florida.
Then I'm going down with it.
cut the cable!
Hal, patch me
into the hanger.
All right, man.
That red light
in the sky,
that's for you, honey.
You tell
your mom and Wyatt
that I love 'em.
I love you!
I love you!
Hey, Colton, are you
sure about this?
Just like
old times, Marty!
Let's go!
Go get 'em,
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Let's go!
Ha ha ha ha!
Whah ha ha ha ha!
we're getting intel
that Colton West
is doing a HALO drop
into the hot zone.
He what?
Ha ha ha ha-.
Indiana Jones got
nothing over this guy.
Spiders. I hate spiders.
HAL: She's down.
What the hell's
going on up there?
Colonel, hit her
with all you got.
Who's this?
Direct hit, sir.
Target is destroyed.
I repeat,
target is destroyed!
Son of a bitch.
He did it again.
Right on!
All right!
...talking about,
fellas. Good job.
What about West, sir?
He couldn't possibly
have made it.
Real good job.
Good job, man.
Remember me?
Come here.
Where's my buddy?
Ho ho!
Let me see here.
Colton West.
Told you. We had a plan.
Glad you made it.
Yeah, well,
thankfully I did,
but the gargantulantula,
she wasn't as lucky.
She's terminated,
all right.
It's a job
well done, boy.
Sorry I ever
doubted you.
You know what?
I'm gonna take
my whole battalion
to see
your next movie twice.
Well, thank you, General.
It's Colonel.
My little girl.
I love you, Dad.
I love you, too.
Wait a minute.
You called me Dad.
That's the sweetest thing
you could say to me.
Deal with it.
And you cannot tell
your mom about any of this.
it's all over the news.
I guess
she's used to it.
Come here.
Just remember, guys,
it doesn't matter
if you win
by an inch
or a lavalandslide.
Winning is winning!
Ha ha ha ha ha!