2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams (2010) Movie Script

1864, April 22nd.
I remember that day
like It was yesterday.
A renegade troop
of Northern soldiers
fought In the so called
Civil War,
raped our women,
murdered our children,
even took out
my goddamn eye
I can still hear
Granny's cries
as they burnt Pleasant
Valley to the ground.
They killed us all,
doomed us
to a life in limbo.
Nothing more
than ghosts seeking revenge.
Guess that's the way
the good Lord wants It.
Eye for eye, tooth for tooth,
as the Old Testament says.
One thing's for certain,
our souls ain't
ever gonna find rest
'til all 2001 are avenged
Yes, sir, name's Buckman.
Mayor James W. Buckman.
And here In Pleasant Valley,
the anniversary of our
tragic massacre has arrived.
And so have we.
Knives have been
sharpened for justice,
table set for revenge.
We try to make sport of it
for the little ones.
No reason vengeance
can't be fun.
Only thing missing
are the Yanks.
And so, yet again,
we wait.
Must admit Granny's been
deeply loyal through the decades.
Just ain't Into rubbing
ankles with her no more.
Last time we did,
I popped my son.
Filthy scum.
I think that's
them coming now.
What in the blazes-?
Yee-haw I
Come on.
# The South's
Gonna rise again
# The South's
Gonna rise again #
Yeah I Yee-haw I
# The South's
Gonna again #
You ain't gonna
like this none, Daddy.
Sheriff Freeman here, done
tore down the detour sign
Will you please?
# Yeah I #
What seems to be the problem
here, my good Sheriff Freeman?
The problem, my good man, is every
spring I get calls from State police
after yours little festival,
looking for missing Northern folk.
Up 'til now, I've played
ball ya'll,
but now I've got Ben
sniffing around my butt.
"You've played ball, " because we've
paid you quite a generous bounty
for your stewardship, ain't
that right, sweet cream?
You didn't mind me when you was
a cub scout, you little Davy?
No, ma'am.
You wouldn't be pretending
you can resist me?
No, ma'am.
That's what I thought.
Look, milk or no milk, I ain't dropping
the soap in prison for none of ya'.
Ain't gonna be
no more jamborees.
No more feastin',
no more killin'.
None of it!
Is that clear?
Clear as
a nighttime kiss,
on a young
possum's cooch.
This town used to be a jewel
on the crown of the South.
You maniacs squeezed it into a turd.
Now hush up, you big baby,
you're ruining all the fun.
Amen, Harper. Such Ingratitude
brings a tear to my eye
when I think of all the hard work
that went into making this thrill ride.
Am I
right, folks?
Damn you
and your thrill ride.
Well if that's how you feel I'll
have to tickle you on the way down.
Hold on a minute,
wait a minute ya'II.
Come on.
Hold on.
We'll make a deal.
No? No.
Fuck you and your maniacs!
Wait, wait a minute.
No. No!
Okay, folks,
what time is it?
Roll out the barrel!
The what?
Roll out the!
I'm- I'm sorry,
I can't hear you.
Kill that mother fucker!
You got it! One,
Ugh I
Bulls eye!
Oh! Let's hear some
of that 'oI death rattle!
I'll see you
in hell, Buckman.
We're already there.
# Rot in hell
Rot in hell #
Ah, well, Bucky,
if the Northern folk
won't come to the South-
Well, we'll bring
the South to them!
Right there on the road,
don't forget to check
the backseat.
Next week on Road Rascals
the Old South gets
a taste of Beverly Hills,
as America's favorite debutantes Rome
and Tina Sheraton, head to Georgia.
Watch out,
red states.
'Cause we're
coming your way.
I hear the South
smells like shit.
Isn't the Liberty
Bell In?
I hear they have these bugs there,
called chiggers, that sleep in your puss.
Those Mexican cleaning ladies
better not bitch us out.
My sister has got to
ditch that icky dead dog,
yeah it was sad when Biscuit died
but then Rome got it taxidermed.
I cannot stand my
sister's boyfriend, Falcon.
He's so gay. Hello?
Tina's, not for sure,
but, you know,
it's not like we're
married or anything, so.
Yo, yo, yo, what plays in
Georgia, stays in Georgia.
Just don't tell Rome.
Right, bro?
All this and more,
next week on Road Rascals.
So, that's the promo.
Don't you
just love it?
Absolutely. Red
state, blue state,
Rome and Tina Sheraton,
the wing of the left flying deep
Into the heart of the rights.
I think we're talking
Golden Globe on this one.
Why so
shortsighted, Jerry,
I mean, why not Pulitzer, or the Nobel?
What could possibly
be more prize winning
than these two jiggling their
tits across the heartland?
Bristol, please.
Well, I know Mommy's
little Biscuit loved it.
Didn't she?
Mommy's little Biscuit
doesn't love anything any more,
will you bury that already.
It fuckin' stinks.
Why do you have to be
such a goddamn tool, K-Jay?
I'm not the one smacking
a stuffed corpse.
Stop bagging
on the rat.
Ow! I mean, K, can't you show
Biscuit just a little respect?
Bro, who's on the fucking
leash? You or the bag of sawdust?
Look, dude. I kiss her
ass, she makes me famous.
Fucking cheapskates put some damn
curtain like I'm the fucking hired help.
Where the fuck
are we anyway?
Iowa? What
the fuck Is In Iowa?
I shouldn't have
let you drive.
Will you get off
your rag already?
How many times
do I have to tell you?
Momma wants a hard shell taco when
all you got is a soggy chingadera.
Shut up, baby.
I got a hard shell taco. You need
to supersize it. Now back to work.
Come on, come on.
There you go.
Now shut the fuck up
and suck it.
Yes, yes, yes, I can see. I can see It.
I see a new
moon rising.
Excuse me I've had
enough of this shit
I know you
and these asses
like to do whatever you
want down Rodeo drive,
but here,
I'm the producer
I'm the boss There'll
be no party, no drugs,
and no sex!
Do you think you can put that no
sex clause in Jerry's contract?
There's no respect, I'm the
driver, the production assistant,
I'm the fucking caterer
the fucking-
Fuck, fuck, baby.
We're full time party girls,
Val. Okay? It's what we do.
And it's like, you don't
want us doing what we do.
Yeah, like making me wear
panties to the Saturn A wards,
or not letting Rome shave her head.
Girls, girls, it's not
about wearing panties
or shaving
your puss- Head,
It's about not letting these
parasitic boyfriends drag you down.
You got to evolve
into modern women.
More like modern
rug munchers.
Shit- Uh-
Uh, uh, Madre de Dios Madre de Dios
Damn I
What happened?
Get off of me
What the fuck
is wrong with you, Jezus?
It's "Jesus", puta, and I
hit a fucking detour sign.
I n the middle
of the road?
How much is this
gonna cost me, Jesus?
Knowing your cheap ass, you probably
didn't even insure this piece of shit,
so I just made you
some money, bruja.
Look, they spelled it
the French way.
Where the fuck
are we anyway?
How the fuck
did we get to Iowa?
Sorry, I was a little bit distracted.
Hey, we could
always camp out.
You know, get the girls In thongs,
roasting marshmallows,
It would make
for some great footage.
H m, I don't think so. This
place looks way too creepy.
Yeah, It makes
Biscuit's hair stand up.
That would be
the Formaldehyde, babe.
Dude, respect.
For once, I agree with the
debutantes. Let's just get out of here.
I hate to Interrupt
the production meeting
but I got two busted front
tires and only one spare,
we ain't
going nowhere.
Call Triple A.
Call them yourself,
diabla rubia.
God! Do I have
to do everything?
There's no signal.
Que sorpresal
Pleasant dreams, m'Ijosl
What? They spelled it in French.
K- Jay! I said no anal!
Babe, don't look at me!
Uh, I was just checking
the, uh, the battery and-
Come on, babe, let's get some privacy.
That's right, fool. Get
sticky with yourself.
Oh, yeah, baby! Lower,
lower! Rake the clam!
Is that good?
Is that good?
Rake it. Rake the clam. Rake it!
You like that?
Yeah! Now give us
a nice big smile.
Oh, nightmare.
Tinkle time.
Make that tinkle
for two.
Let's finish
together this time.
What the fuck!
Welcome to Pleasant
Vally! H m, sorta.
# Hey, Hey
Yowdy, heydy, aye #
# Great new world
Brand new day #
# Hey, Hey
Yowdy, heydy, aye. #
Now let me introduce
myself. Name's Buckman,
George W. Buckman, and
ya'll arrived just in time
to be our special guests at the
Pleasant Valley Travelling Jamboree
You clowns
for real?
it gets, macho.
That's right. Now, uh,
back In our hometown
of dear 'oI Pleasant
Valley, Georgia,
every year about this time-
What the hell Is that?
Why, that's
my pooch box.
Pooch box?
Scarlet Red means
log box, gentlemen,
come her 18th birthday I
may present her with the key.
She's very progressive.
Oh, you good at licking rock, Hollywood?
Hell, I'll lick
your rock silly, babe.
China Rose
is trying to say
" Picking locks?
My lock. "
I can pick locks.
When I was a kid, I broke into a shul,
and the Shammes caught
me lifting a challah.
Holy Moly I Folks,
we got ourselves a Hebrew I
That's "Jew"
to you, Colonel.
Jew, Hebrew, Christ-killer,
It's all the same in Spain.
That reminds me,
what's the difference between
an Israeli and an Israelite?
About 100 calories.
Moving right
along, folks.
Every year, down in
Georgia, we put on a show-
Wait a minute.
Did you say Georgia?
Why, yeah, ma'am,
our proud govern state.
Do you think we could cheat
this local for Georgia?
For the right price,
I can play Laguna Beach
for the Golan Heights.
What's all
the whispering about?
Uh, Mayor Buckman.
Turner, VaI Tuner.
Well, I do think we
shall join your jamboree.
Well, that's great news
H it, Crow!
# Hot games and feasting'
Yeah! #
# Hot games and feastin'
Yeah I
# Hot games and feastin'
Yeah I #
Christ on a cracker, boys.
After all
these 140 odd years,
sometimes, I think
we should just,
burn the whole goddamn
North in one giant bonfire!
Ah, but,
what's the style In that?
One shot discharge-
None, Captain my.
None at all.
You're damn
right, Harper,
besides, It goes
against tradition,
and quite frankly,
Is about all we got left.
The network
is gonna love this,
a bunch
of redneck outsiders
who thought the South won the Civil War.
They didn't?
No, Tina,
they didn't.
Duh, that's right.
It was the Nazis.
Anyway, while our
sister act pretties up...
Jesus, you and Jerry
go and do some scouting. See if you
can find some indigenous locations here.
You do know what
"indigenous" means, right?
Hey, VaI, why don't you, me and Bristol
do some Interviews
with the hicks?
You know, put
a face to the place.
If you don't mind, I'd rather
go with Jesus and Cherry.
What? You got a thing for this cholo?
What's that? You want me
to give you a second briss?
Chill out, Jay.
Look, I'll
carry your shit,
you just go show
her a good time.
Make sure you save enough
sugar for Black Cherry.
Come on, get over It,
Jerry. Come on, come on.
If we nail this, the network
Is gonna be talking spin offs,
pay per view
blue ray box set.
If these fine folks of
Pleasant Valley play ball,
this gig
will never end!
I know I speak
for us all, sir,
when I say I'm proud to
be among the chosen few
here with you, In the chance
location of the troubles.
Well, God
bless you Harper.
You know, you're rigging' a goddamn
Mark Twain with you poetizing.
You have earned your spot
on the bus. Ya'll did!
Even Jezebel, too, Daddy?
Yeah, Jezebel, too.
Except she earned her spot in
the section called " Provisions"!
You don't mean
you're gonna harm-
I mean that stuffed
piece of lamb is gonna be
on my dining room table
next to some mint jelly
and a good bottle
of Muscatel
unless you boys go out there
and get me some Yonkers quick!
Now skedaddle!
And make me proud.
Or something like it.
So when's
your CD dropping?
End of summer.
Excuse me, your CD?
What happened to our CD?
We can't do everything
together Romy,
besides, it's music,
not a basketball team.
Yeah, the label wants me to record, too.
EM O meets
death metal.
Ha! Ballads
with balls.
Yo, yo, yo.
Check out Abder,
macking on my boy's
dill pickle.
Dude, I ever tell you about the
time I totally fucked my baby sitter?
Bro, I thought you said your
uncle was your baby sitter.
Never mind.
So what's a hottie like you
doing with a limp dick like Jerry?
Ever hear of the dumb blond that slept
with the writer to get ahead in Hollywood?
Guess that was me.
Oh, baby, you're no dumb
blond, you're just misinformed.
See, it's not the writers or directors
that get you ahead, it's the teamsters.
You stick with me,
I'll hook you up.
Yeah, I've never heard that one before.
Bitch, I ain't
playing you.
Oh, yeah? So who are you
gonna hook me up with?
For one, a bunch of buddies got
this indie hard thing going on.
See, horror has its hell
these days, you know?
I would love to get
killed in a horror flick.
I bet you would and I
bet you'd look good, too
all naked and covered
in blood and shit.
Yo, ladies.
It seems like
a job for a homie.
Oh, Yankee
suckee dickee?
I said "homie, "
not "homo. "
Give me
that thing.
Now that a gentleman
has eased our burden
we can finally
commence to practice.
Uh, excuse me ladies, but we were
in the middle of a conversation here.
Madre de Dios.
Uh, Jesus,
remember me?
Bristol, horror movies,
covered In blood?
Madre de Dios.
Definitely more tongue.
Are you getting this?
You are perfect, Granny.
Sure you got
a tight shot?
Yeah, I got it.
Let's start
shooting, come on.
Am I good?
My rouge looks good?
You're beautiful.
I want you to really-
Okay, and action I
Our native
American friends-
All right. Cut. Cut I
Excuse me, but-
I'll excuse me,
but I'm the director
and I'm the one
who calls "Cut. "
I write
the checks, okay?
All right, the
structures aren't working.
Let me think. Granny,
profile. Give me a profile.
I got two.
Other profile.
Face this way.
All right, just
go with it. Action!
Our native American friends
taught us the many uses of maize.
You can boil it,
you can pop it,
and ladies, trust me,
with a little pig butter-
this corn cob makes one
hell of a nighttime buddy.
Lookie-Loo, Jezzle,
a fallen soldlerette.
Sniff her out, girl,
check her vitals.
Yo, get that beast
away from her.
That beast is my
lady friend, senor.
And If you are habia
Ingles you'd understand
she's telling you to
go call on M r. Harper.
M r. Harper?
Alexander Harper, honey. He our
veterinarian, he fix chicken and such.
Oh, he does people, too.
I want some, so pig
knuckle on the Chinaman.
Hey I
Yo, you mind?
The name's
Hucklebilly, dumb ass.
And I don't mind at all.
You like what
you see, little man?
My, my, my,
the South is rising.
Dang! It must've
gotten stung by a bee.
I'm all swelled up
down there.
Don't you have
some cotton to pick?
Some shit to shovel?
My chores are done.
It's playtime now.
Why are you
stampeding me?
Get your paws off me
you damned dirty yanks.
We'll give you
a lesson, H ucklefuck.
ass clown.
The way things look down there you
two might wanna get yourself stung.
Party poopers!
Yo, anybody here?
Looks like the little lady
can use my help, Santiago.
It's "Jesus. "
And no shit, Sherlock, she had
an accident, she bumped her head.
Give me that iron.
The one on the table.
You know,
If you like son,
I can also help you with
that speech Impediment.
Yo, Dracula,
it's called an accent.
The good doctor
needs his quiet, dude,
I suggest
you join the others.
Go on, boy, go on.
I must make sure you fix her good,
I don't want nobody suing me.
No need to worry,
we'll bring her round.
When she's done.
Whatever, ojete.
Knock yourselves out.
Oh, you can
crack corn on that.
Agh I
The secret
to Southern home cooking
is you never ever tenderize
without loving your blade.
I love you.
Treat your meat
as you would an old friend.
Ha! Come on in. Agh!
Or an enemy.
Or your friends and enemies!
Agh! Agh!
It's dinner time!
It's dinner time Come
eat your goddamn.
It's time
What you doing
now, Rufus?
I'm making myself
a Jesus chicken.
Oh, Christ.
Clamp. Clamp.
Wrist clamp.
Wrist clamp.
Pig's snout.
Plg's snout.
What the fuck
Is going on here?
Well, you got
yourself a boo-boo.
When our livestock gets a boo-boo
we take 'em back and shoot 'em.
Please let me go, please.
You don't have to worry none,
honey. We ain't gonna shoot ya.
That would be
way too boring.
Ah, just what
the doctor ordered.
No, please. I'm a good
girI, I'll do anything.
This little piggy went to market.
And this little plggy's stayed home.
And this little piggy
went whoo whoo whoo.
La, la, la.
All the way home!
Guess who?
You know what Granny told you
about coming in here like this.
Aw, the heck
with her, Jemima!
My passion for you
is stronger than candy.
It's hotter
than corn bread.
It's sweeter
than watermelon.
H m. Remember the first time
you crept into my stable,
told me how things
were gonna be,
I'd be
your tar baby,
I'd do
whatever you like,
no matter how dirty, or nasty
or forbidden it might be?
I am your
lord and master.
Are you really? Are
you really in charge?
Are you really? Are
you really in charge?
I think so.
I'm gonna lick
you clean, Master.
Ah, Jemlma.
Goddammit, Buckman! You
romancing my griddle cakes again?
No, Granny!
No. No.
You're just thinking about your darker
nature, is what you're thinking about.
Go on!
Oh, you race trader,
you chocolate dipping-
Guess who?
Oh, fudge dripping.
H mmm.
Black ebony!
# Do you even know
Who you are? #
# Facebook Superstar #
This is
a very expensive,
very uninsured camera
that my uncle Sal
got me for Passover.
And if it's fucked,
I'm suing somebody's ass.
Probably yours,
I'm just saying.
And I'm saying,
that old hag
was chopping those chickens like
she was Jeffrey freaking Dahmer,
so fuck your camera! I
ain't filming these people.
At least these people are not
afraid of a little hard work.
Kiss my black ass, Val.
Bend over, honey,
and I will.
Hey, Bossman, why don't you let
me work the lens, I got experience.
Last time
you worked the lens,
it cost my Daddy half a
mill to buy back the video.
It made
you famous.
No shit, I got my
little bro through juvie.
Ah, look who's here,
so, Jesus,
where's Bristol?
Oh, she's with the
doc, PM S or some shit.
It's cool,
he's got a tent.
So let me get this straight.
You left Bristol with some, uh,
some white trash doctor and
it's 'cause he's got a tent!
Yeah, I thought you people
were with doctors.
You let them suck the shit out
of your fat asses, don't you?
That's it!
I can't work this way,
I mean, It's bad enough
I don't get per diem,
now I gotta take insults from
Speedy Gonzalez over here!
I'm finding Bristol
and I'm outta here.
You walk, you're in breach.
Then it's your ass getting sued.
Good point.
Chill out, Schindler.
I'll go get your girl.
Oh, no you don't.
Sit down.
You can go. Next scene
up Is Rome and Tina solo.
H m. Hot.
Walt. You think
two girls Is hot?
All sushi
and no hot dog?
No blunt objects, nothing
you can poke en eye out with?
I think two
girls is hot.
# A shy Southern belle #
# A proud,
Confederate gentleman #
# Now they're
Lost in hell #
# This love once heaven #
There are
some desires
that even death cannot remove,
wouldn't you agree, Buckman?
Oh, yeah, like revenge.
I'm not talking
about killing'.
I'm talking about loving'.
Because that's always the
thirst before the slaughter
that gets
the temperature risin'.
Oh, yeah.
Well, thank God we got
that lovely Milk Maiden.
Screw our lovely
Milk Maiden!
And I'm sure you are,
you son of a bitch!
Hey, Granny,
what's cooking'?
That's what
I'm trying to do!
It's stroke left,
then right,
and you might
wanna blow In her rear.
That really gets
Jezzie's juices flowing.
No way, same
with my baby.
Yes, ma'am.
You know it.
It gets them wet.
Like a bog
or a bayou.
Hey, how about next, you let Jezebel
give Biscuit a little pony ride?
Yeah I hear sawdust and
sawdust Is a real turn on.
What kind of doggie
biscuit is this?
Put him
down, now.
It's a him?
How can you tell?
Falcon, do something.
Hey, be gentle
with that, okay?
I can be gentle.
God dang
Doo, doo, doo.
Now this right
here is unholy.
I'm too sober
for this shit.
You think Miss
Bossman will miss us?
Oh, Miss Bossman's too
lost to worry about us.
I wonder what type of J
these freaks are smoking.
They stay in character
like this all day?
10 to 1 It's
as fine as mine.
Parati. Parami.
Come on, baby,
let me fuego.
Yo, where'd
everybody go?
Where's the party at?
Soldier blue.
Soldier Blue? What the
fuck's a Soldier Blue?
Pearl? I'll give you
a pearl necklace.
Soldier blue.
Oh! Here's where
the party's at.
Hello? Ladies?
Oh, you girls wanna
play hide and seek?
K- Jay loves
hide and seek.
Want to slip
Into something more-
Why are we
doing this again?
Look, I told you
it's representational.
The epic struggle between
the North and the South.
Brother against brother,
sister against sister.
Good against evil!
Just take her top off.
I'm too fucking stoned
to undo all this shit.
Take them off.
Shut up.
I need to get out
of this place.
I do too, baby,
we just got here.
Did you blow your nose on me? You
got some fucking mocos In there?
No, shut up.
Green-nosed goblins.
I feel like I'm back In the
sweatshop In Tegucigalpa.
She's totally a Lesbian
and won't fucking admit It.
My name is VaI
and I am a Lesbian.
Will you please reprogram
me with your Mexican wiener?
Take off
my bandanna, baby.
Are you ready to put on our
fucking Confederate clothing?
To join
these assholes?
Did you
hear something?
I did.
What was that?
Now we get down
to business, Soldier Blue.
Five dollar,
I make you holler.
Whatever you like
I do for you.
How about 20
for plenty?
So glad you could join us for your
complimentary old time photograph.
You're gonna take
pictures of this shit?
We like to capture the true
essence of our "jamboree. "
Hey, I'm down.
Just keep it off the net.
Don't you move, boy.
We need you sitting' still.
Lest they come
out blurry. Ooh!
Fuck me like you're gonna
get your green card, baby.
Emancipate me, baby.
Emancipate me!
Faster, you Mexican
jumping bean!
Darn ya', Oprah, you grunt
louder than a churchyard chicken.
Well, nice and tight,
Miss Scarlet.
N ice and tight
and hard and firm.
Exactly how I like it.
Oh I I'll bet you do, son.
I'll bet you do.
Well, Granny,
it looks like our honored
guest is ready for his closeup.
Walt, dude, I don't wanna
have my picture taken anymore.
Want has nothing to
do with it, M r. K-Jay.
That's right, boy.
I am sure,
that these fine Southern gentlemen
didn't want their portraits taken neither.
I am sure that they did
not want to be in this war,
and I am
especially sure
that they did not want
their family and houses
burnt to the ground
by you Northern heathens
Whoa! " Northern heathen?"
Dude, I'm from Burbank.
That's where
the devil lives.
Say cheese!
Oh I
Good boy I
Smoking I
Dang It, Granny.
He didn't smile.
Oh, well.
# Yankee Doodle went to town
To bone himself a hottie #
Amen, brother.
# Stuck his feather
I n her cooch #
# like fresh baked manicotti #
Hell, yeah. Fresh baked.
What's your name?
It's Hucklebilly, dumb ass.
What's my name?
H ucklebilly, dumb ass.
Typical I I'm out there,
sweating my ass off,
and the two of you
are sitting here,
getting this mentally
ill child stoned.
Shut the fuck up, retard!
It's Hucklebilly, Mister.
I promise, I'll
just film It, no web.
So anyone know whether
Jackass ever found Bristol?
Hate to bring
It to you, Moses,
he's probably off plowing
Bristol in some corn field by now.
Excuse me, that's Rome's
boyfriend you're talking about.
Yeah, man, don't be a hater.
Suck my salty
Salvadorlan sack.
You'd probably like that. You
little twisted reality show wannabe.
Enough I Look, Jesus,
unless you want to crash the unemployment
line like the rest of your family,
I suggest you get
this tin can moving!
As soon as we get what we
want from these rednecks
we'll get the hell out of
this fucking two-bit shit hole!
Come on!
All right.
I hear you, boss.
I can scam
one of them tires
off that old school bus
those freaks got
Whatever It takes.
I wouldn't advise
that, my friends.
Some folks
around here
just might be inclined to
define that as stealing.
Stealing is
a sin.
I wasn't gonna
steal nothing, abuellta.
I said "borrow. "
I guess borrowing is okay.
That ain't stealing.
Maybe we can help
you out with the tire.
But first-
Yee-haw I
I'll tell ya', Granny,
that display of majesty
makes this Colonel
weak in the knees
and full
in the groin.
Bucky, I ain't
begging no more.
It's time you discharge your
musket, Confederate style.
Madam, lead me
to my execution.
Yee-haw I
You'd better be getting all this.
This is money
in the bank.
Solid gold.
Buck-man. Buck-man.
Buck-man. Buck-man.
Candy apples.
Buck. Buck. Buck.
Candy apples?
How do you like
these candy apples?
Them ain't real.
Theme's plastic.
Probably got
worms in it, too.
My mighty sword!
My mighty sword!
My mighty sword I
Crow! Crow! Crow!
too much dark meat,
Now, for our
next demonstration,
we're gonna need
another volunteer.
Oh, oh, oh I
You boy, with the smiling
eyes, you'll do fine.
M mighty fine.
Come on up
now, boy.
I ain't got
eternity. Come on.
Don't mind
the darkness none.
You ain't never heard
Helen Keller complain.
Turn around now, boy.
Step on right up on here.
Come one. Show everybody
your pretty face.
Now you see him?
Now you don't!
So, should I keep
the blindfold on, or-
Uh, hello?
So weird.
Ah, okay.
Hello. Is anybody here?
Howdie ho there, boy.
What the fuck?
It hurts.
What kind of man are you, you
can't handle a little arm wrestle?
Shit, Rufus. I knew
you were different.
I knew you
were different.
You see right through me, don't you?
Right through
your heart.
My heart?
Yeah, you know, all my life
I've kept my heart in the closet.
Lately though, my ass keeps poking out.
Whoa! I ain't
queer like that!
But that don't mean you gotta stop.
I don't know.
Maybe you're right.
Listen, this is the
wrong time, wrong place.
I'm dead!
Ain't that the truth.
Ugh. Agh!
I'll give you Brokeback.
H m. H m.
# Revenge is sweet When
you're munching On the meat #
# Of a Yankee
Whose doodle is so dandy #
# We don't like to boast #
# But we make a tasty roast #
# With grilling
We're really pretty handy #
# 'Cause we're cannibals
Cannibals, yes it's true #
# And there's just no way
That you will survive #
# We're cannibals #
# Cannibals, yes it's true #
# And you know we're gonna
Eat you dead or alive #
Hit it!
I clean up pretty
good, don't I?
Without further undue,
I would like to introduce
one mean ass mother fucker
butt kicking son of a bitch.
Go, go,
Buckman, go!
Go, go,
hl, Buckman I
Good evening, one and all! I hope
you're enjoying the show so far.
Can I get a Yee-haw?
Yee-haw I
I wanna tell you, tonight
we got a show for you
you ain't never gonna forget or
my name ain't George W. Buckman.
I know you've been worried
about where your compatriots were
well, we were too, until we
found them In the medical tent,
playing doctor!
Right, boys?
But seriously folks, they're all
back stage with your young M r. Falcon
undergoing an extreme makeover
for tonight's grand finale!
But first, It gives me
great pleasure to Introduce
Pleasant Valley's
very own Rhett Butler,
M r. Harper Alexander!
Ladies and gentlemen, please
enjoy with me as we recreate
not only one of our favorite
moments of the annals of history
but also one of the great
spectator sports, as well.
Any volunteers?
You, sir. You want to
win 50, 000 dollars?
Did you say
50, 000 dollars?
I sure did. 50, 000
Well, In that case-
How you doing'
tonight, Abraham?
It's Jerry.
You sure look like
an Abraham to me.
Why don't you
just take your seat?
Now tonight, the role
of Miss Mary Lincoln
will be played by Miss
Married Milk Malden,
and good ol' honest Abe, well,
that'll be you, D. W. Griffith.
Go ahead, please.
You're 9 Inches away from
starring In my next movie.
Feels more
like 3 to me.
Now, the game Is
If I miss, you lose.
Uh, I'm not too
sure about this.
Oh, come on, time out!
Hold on, time out.
Walt, wait, wait.
Wait. Time out!
Time out!
Yeah I
Yay I
Aside from that,
Mrs. Lincoln,
did you enjoy
the show?
Fuck this shit.
Ah I
Now, now, now that
you're all a little groggy
the fresh air otta
take care of that.
We're all here and we're
gonna play a little game,
a little game we call the
Revlsltatlon of the troubles.
April 22, 1864,
we were living our lives,
minding our own business,
when the Yankee man came.
When you came! killed us all,
destroyed our way of life.
Hell, we weren't
ready back then,
but this time we are.
War's over, jefe, you fucking
lost, move the fuck on!
Well, that's precisely
what we aim to do,
muchacho, precisely.
You're telling me you're
with these crackers?
I was with these
crackers when your kind
came condemning us all
to the same fate.
"My kind?" What the fuck's
wrong with you, brother?
I'm not your bother.
I'm Southern bred.
And you,
Miss Gutter Mouth,
you'd be Northern scum.
Now, now, Crow.
Remember we're trying
not the use the " N" word.
You're right
on that one.
That's right I
Now let's see here, from here to
the road it's a couple of miles,
same distance we had to
flee from Pleasant Valley,
now, there's no sport In
shooting fish In a barrel.
so we hide some guns
and ammo along the way.
Now, If ya'll can go out there and
find them and put up a good flight
why, you're
free to go.
Oh, that is bloody bullocks!
If you don't
let us go now,
I'll have my lawyer slaughter
you before you can say spectrum.
I mean It,
mother fickler
I'm not kidding I
Neither are we, Miss.
In case you have
any doubt, Miss Maiden.
K- Jay?
Presentation. Well,
let the games begin I
Pum, pum, pum.
Gimme that I
Gimme that!
# Building from
the ground up #
# Starting nowhere #
Did you see what they did to
K- Jay, Biscuit? They killed him.
They fucking
killed Falcon, too.
We were gonna present at the
Teen Dream Awards together.
You were?
# Well, they put us
I n our #
Crying over spilled blood is
not gonna get us outta here,
we gotta find those guns
and cap those mother fuckers.
You're right. You and
Cherry head for the RV.
Fix that damn tire, I'll grab
the girls and find those weapons.
What are you gonna
do if you find them?
I know my way around weapons. My
mother used to be a prison guard.
That explains a lot.
# Again #
Bleed that heathen
good and dry, son.
We could all use
an after dinner tonic.
When do we get
to eat supper, Daddy?
Ain't you done
chewing on that surfer?
What about me, Daddy? AII I had was
a gristle from Jezzie's hindquarters.
Oh, enough I Stiflel
Go on, git I
What are you
laughing at, China Rose?
Why don't you do some of that Chinese
laundry we Imported you here for?
This time get out the blood stainsi I
don't want no ring around the collar.
Your wish Is my command, Mayor Luckman,
But remember,
not tickee, no shitee.
Go on, git I
Well, I see there, Ganny,
looks like you're favoring that
dark meat a little bit too much.
Maybe if you were a little bit
more black in your stallion,
I wouldn't need to visit the
stable on long lonely nights.
How many Northerners to seek
vengeance on 'til we can finally rest?
Well, let's see, uh,
last jamboree I think we
took care of 8 of them.
It's 9 here with this now,
It still only makes
us half way to 2001.
Dang it, does that mean we have to
go through this shit again next year?
Ah, don't complain.
Oh I My bunions
are killing me
If I was one of those psychos
where would I hide those weapons?
Kinda like
an Easter egg hunt.
How old is this piece of shit?
It's fucking rusted together!
Whatever. I'm gonna smoke
and laugh about all this.
Are you fucking
crazy, negra?
Those rednecks think this is
the Civil War or something.
I always knew the South
was loco, but damn I
Are you okay?
Fuck finding a tire. I say we ditch
those bitches and save ourselves.
Let's go.
The Kosher way
to do this is what?
You gotta cut the throat
and let the blood draln.
This Jew boy ain't
got no throat no more.
Well, then, cut
his balls off, I guess.
Yeah, I guess.
Speaking of balls, I've been
meanlng to mentlon somethlng to you.
I just don't get you.
You know.
Your taste.
Explain me this, brother.
You, brother, spend your time on
some soft girlie girI like JezebeI.
Gosslplng, shopplng
and settln' up house.
I, on the other hand,
like to hang a reaI man,
and wrestling.
And my taste?
You tell me, brother, who's really
on the side of the Lord here?
You gotta be fucking
with me. This easy?
I guess not.
No ammo.
You're kidding me.
Fuck this cracker,
VaI, let's go.
Since our lives
are seriously at stake,
there's something
I have to ask you.
Go ahead, babe.
If they find us
dead here
our bodies naked on display
for the whole world to see-
You mean like
in your video?
I'm being
serious, Tina.
Fine. Spill It.
All right. I'm just
gonna come out and say it.
Do my thighs
look fat?
Oh, my God I
Rome, a gun I
You think It's real?
Ah I Tittles
Looks real.
Fuck, we're going'
around in circles.
I don't get it, Jay.
That's it.
Let's split up.
I don't wanna
split up. M m-hm.
If one of us gets away
we're both saved, right?
You know I'll
come back with help.
I guess
you're right.
Of course
I'm right, baby.
You go that way,
I'll go this way,
one of us is gonna
find the road.
Okay, but be safe.
You know I will.
What about a gun?
Don't I need one, too?
Well, at least
we found a gun.
Should I say
thank you for that?
It was an accident,
Val. God I
Do you always have to rag
on us, we have feelings, too.
Yeah, like we didn't feel bad
when the avalanche hit New Orleans.
now. One.
Oh, no, you
girls despise me.
Why can't you see me
like I see you?
Ah I
Oh my God!
You stupid little fake tittied,
no talented, trust fund sluts!
Just fuck off!
But you stepped on Biscuit!
Can I make
myself any clearer?
Just go!
Just wait 'till the network
hears about this
Yeah, we would never
fuck you anyway.
Uh, uh, uh.
What the fuck?
Looking for
the Underground Railroad?
Hey, Granny.
Do you think the Mayor would mind if
we kept that beaner boy to ourselves?
I don't know, sweetie. I'd rather
kill him than fuck him any day.
Sh, sh, sh.
Do you
hear something?
# Rock a-bye baby,
On the tree top #
# When the wind blows #
# The cradle will rock #
# When the bough breaks
The cradle will fall #
# And down will come baby #
# Cradle and all I #
I always knew
those little cunts
would be the end of me.
Biscuit's really
dead meat, huh?
Yes, sweetie.
She really is.
We're dead meat,
too, aren't we?
No, Romy, we're gonna be okay. Trust me.
That's what you said the time
we got crabs tag teaming K-Jay.
Whoopsle-dalsy I
I thought the Mayor
said killing Mexicans
didn't count
towards the total.
No, they don't deary.
They ain't North, they
ain't South, they just ain't.
But there's nothing wrong
with a little sport killing.
So long as it puts
food on the table.
It must've
been a squirrel.
Come on along, now.
Can't you Northern folks
do nothing right?
Tonight at dinner,
yet again,
caught Granny picking
a little too tenderly
on a dark part
of her brisket.
Got anything
to say about that, boy?
I ain't
nobody's boy.
Not even yours.
Maybe so, Crow.
Would it be too hard just
to, uh, stick to your chores?
I do stick
to my chores,
as much as I find
them distasteful,
And which one of you are too
tired from ploughing the fields,
or splitting
the wood,
you can't
deny that.
Tell me, Is there one amongst ya',
one, amongst ya'
willing to hit it when
there's blood on the conch?
Well, I know
how to plow.
and I know
how to split,
but you sure have some
very satisfied bitches
in your Pleasant Valley,
thank you very much.
Man's got a point.
Shoot, Daddy, I think I
made the rope too long.
You stupid ass
white mother fuckers
you just wait until Al Sharpton
gets a wind of this shit.
I'll own everything
in this albino circus.
including that fake ass, dumb
ass, stuffed mother fucking sheep?
Yeah? When
pigs fly.
And the fat
lady sings.
And there's a black
man in the White House.
Where the fuck have you
mother fuckers been at?
Down South!
Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
Fools them every time!
Everything's gonna
be just fine.
There's nobody here
but us ladles.
Please help me.
Please, help me. Please.
You gotta
help me, please.
Folks like my kin,
they can't fathom
the modern woman.
They wanna keep us
all caged up.
Cage our bodies,
our passions-
That's right, momma!
Oh, no, no.
I hear there's
a cherry in the center.
H m. Cider red, always
makes my pink wet.
Oh, my God, Tina.
We're back
to where we started.
Please, just
go away!
Spread the red.
I'm cold.
Get the bus, Let's take it outta here.
You try to start it,
I'll stand guard.
It's "Jesus", bitch.
Why Isn't It working?
Shut up, babe. Got some shit under here.
Try the key!
Like this?
Nope. Nada.
I am I doing
this right?
Can't you hot
wire this thing?
Yo, bitch, I went to
film school, not prison.
Oh, shit.
Do you think
they're mad at us?
We offered
the entertainment,
sport, a chance to redeem
some sense of honor,
for the atrocities
committed by their ancestors.
And they play along
by running away.
Oh, you wanna play?
Fuck, I'll play!
Gentleman to gentleman?
Yeah, If that's
what you call yourself.
Bring it on!
Go on, Tinal Go
Make It start I
I can't
Tina, come on
Come on
Oh, start
Come on!
Do your best
Colonel Cracker.
Come on.
Oh, my God!
Get off me!
Just wait
I was gonna let you go, seeing your
kind don't count towards the total.
Brown or white,
you're a yank to me.
Go engine, go
Go, start
Brown or white beats
your one-eyed freak show.
Oh, now we're playing.
Yankee scum! Ah!
Go, Tina, go!
Walt, Romy, It's
Jesus, he'll save us
Can you fix it?
Go ahead,
try It now.
Come on, come on I Start I
Start I Why won't you start?
It's turning
Come on, Jesus.
Get on the bus
Go Go
Puta, what the fuck
are you welting for?
Hey, Two-Eyes.
Suck my Dixie.
shall rest 'til
all obey.
Don't turn it off,
you stupid bitch!
But it just
killed Jesus!
Let's finish this.
Oh! Ah!
Keys. Please.
Fuck you.
Turn It on
Come here.
I'm going!
Tina, go!
Rome, I'm going!
I'm going!
Get us outta here!
Just go.
It's over, Romy.
It's over.
I can't believe I've ever decided
to make this crap show with you!
You're so fucking
annoying! You're so wrong!
Fuck you, bitch!
You know what? I killed
your fucking beloved Biscuit!
Really? Well, I'm the one
who snorted your 8-ball.
Fucking bitch
Damn Yankees.
Now what,
H m. Ah!
Rufus, is this
contraption working?
It's 12-4, Daddy.
Howdy, folks!
George W. Buckman here,
inviting you to come to the
Pleasant Valley Traveling Jamboree!
We got it all folks,
we got singin',
we got dancing',
we got games,
Uh, I'm not too
sure about this.
But most of all we got some
real nice mouthwatering Barbecue.
Does that mean we have to go
through this shit again next year?
[Buckman] Don't forget
to bring the kids,
especially the chubby ones,
portly always gets In for free.
Just look for the detour
sign off the main road.
We'll be welting. So come on down
and get a taste of the old South.
And let the old South
get a taste of you.
Come on, Granny,
keep pushing.
Oh, oh, oh.
Keep pushing.
I am pushing, you morons.
I think I see
something coming.
Oh, oh, oh.
Come on, Granny,
keep pushing.
I see it's
here coming.
It's a-
What is it?
A negro?