3 Blind Saints (2011) Movie Script
1
(instrumental rock music)
All my life I've been a logical man
But I've seen thingsI just don't understand
Feeling the feelingsI never thought I would
I don't understand itbut it sure feels good
If you were to smell it
Or see with my eyes
But there's a truth I've gotta realize
I've always been blind
But now I can see
It almost makes me believe in a miracle
Yes a miracle
Whoa
Dreamin' and steamin' however I could
Not really doin' thethings that I should
- [Man] Repent for thekingdom of God is nigh!
Thank you brother!
Couldn't find my way nomatter how hard I've tried
Didn't know I was lost
Didn't know I was blind
Til you opened my eyeswith the light you shine
When I found your loveit made everything new
It almost makes me believe in a miracle
Yeah yeah
Come on
- [Sam] Frankie, you know the rules.
No eating in in the car.
Lose it.
- [Man] Ya jerk!
- [Jamal] We really need toconsider getting some real jobs
so we can make some real money.
I mean, come on.
- Real job?
Are you out of your mind?
Gentlemen, we are livin' the dream, man!
We got no responsibilities,travelin' the country.
This is the first day ofthe rest of our lives.
- Uh oh, here he come.
- [Frankie] Yeah I think I've heard
this song and dance before.
- Okay, alright, I understand.
The singing concierge's gigdidn't work out exactly.
- I like being called a singing concierge.
- Frankie, you don't sing!
- That's true.
- You know isn't itillegal for them to just
fire us just like that anyway?
- It should be.
Which just proves you shouldnever put your faith and trust
in the powers that be.
- It's Frankie's fault.
- Hey, you know what?
The big girl was wearinga shirt that said guess?
So I said, 350 pounds.
- She's the boss's daughter, Frankie!
- That don't make her thin.
- Guys, forget it!
This next gig is the one
that's gonna make us a lot of money.
- Look Sam, since we were kids every time
you had a good idea,something really bad happened.
- Look I'm telling you guys,they haven't all been bad.
- [Jamal] Not buyin' it.
- We're just ahead of our time.
Stick with me here 'cause I feel it.
There is something bigon the horizon for us.
Big.
- Hey, hold on a sec.
Look at that right there, rightthere, right, right, right.
I got a coupon right here.
It says free reading by Big Ursula.
- Frankie, Frankie, Frankie, Frankie,
don't you know that's alljust a bunch of hocus pocus?
- Yes, exactly.
- What is?
What's a bunch of hocus pocus?
- That, all of it.
Fortune tellers, ghosts,goblins, vampires,
meditation, God himself,I mean I'm tellin' ya
it's all illogical and unscientific.
- [Jamal] That's right.
- Unless you can touchit, feel it, or smell it,
my friend, it's all ancient superstition.
- Frankie, Sam's right.
It's an abomination.
- Sam, let's go, come on.
- It's a sin, man.
- How would you know?
You don't go to church.
- My great grandmama LulaPearl, God rest her soul,
precious, love you, grandma,
she taught me everythingI need to know about sin.
- Come on, Sam, let's go!
- Alright fine, five minutes tops.
- Yes!
- We'll stop, pull over, see Ursula.
We'll get a bite to eat.
We'll be outta there!
- [Jamal] See why do youget to decide where we go
and what we do?
- [Sam] Study your history, Jamal.
The man with the carhas always historically
been the boss of said passengers.
(rock music)
It's not in my headbut it's deep in my heart
It almost makes me believe
In a miracle
(brakes squealing)
- [Jamal] Man, where'dyou learn how to brake?
- [Frankie] Comin' in, Sam?
- [Sam] No!
- [Jamal] Abomination!
- [Frankie] I'll be rightback with some good news!
- [Sam] Rusty's Sports Bar, huh?
Maybe that's where we'll go for lunch.
- Man, I got a bad, badfeeling about this, Sam.
A bad feeling about this.
- Seriously, you're overreacting.
It's like we're in Mayberry, USA here.
We're fine.
- Good afternoon, gentlemen.
- Hi.
- You boys aren't fromaround here, are you?
- Oh, no, Officer.
No we are not.
- Whatcha doin' here?
- Well, as you can see,Mr. Officer of the law,
we are patrons of one of yourfine local establishments.
- That's right.
You know Mr. Officer,I'm sure you heard of us.
We're the famous singing concierge.
(sings) La!
- (sings) La!
- (sings) Ah! Hey.
- You know you're double parked?
- No, sir.
But if you hum a fewbars, I'd try to fake it.
Hey!
- That's not what he meant.
- Maybe I should check your plates.
Just in case y'all are dangerous fugitives
runnin' from the law.
- That's not necessary.
- Hey Frankie!
- Alright I'm gonna let you go.
But you boys watch yourselves, you hear?
- Oh that we will do,Mr. Officer of the law.
- I am grateful fromthe bottom of my heart.
- Sam, she read my palm and she said son,
this is your lucky day.
Then she gave me a freebottle of glory be!
- Frankie, I don't careand get rid of that.
You can't drink in the car.
Now!
Get rid of it!
- Fine!
(bottle breaking)
- Really Frankie?
- Outta the car!
Get over on that curb!
Come on, all of you!
All three of you!
Sit over there on that curb.
- [Sam] Officer, I can explain.
- Shut up!
Over there!
Let's go!
Sit!
I knew the three of you were up to no good
the minute I saw you roll into town.
- Good thing he didn't see the tickets
in the glove compartment.
- What's that?
Speeding tickets?
Tickets, tickets, tickets!
Just as I thought.
A bunch of law breakers.
(cell door closing)
- Some lucky day.
- Day ain't over yet.
- Ah look at the bright side, boys.
Tomorrow we'll go before some small town
chucklehead judge who's probably a deacon
at the corner church.
Play our cards right, wecan get him to forgive us,
as every good Christian should,
and we will be on our way.
- Say, say I got an idea onhow to get us outta here!
- Whatcha thinkin' Jamal?
- Everybody who goes to jail gets saved.
Ain't that right, Frankie?
- I pretty much got savedevery time I was in jail
and baptized too if therewere any water in the toilet.
(laughs)
- Saved?
You know somebody whocan bust us outta here?
- I'm not talking aboutthat kinda saved, Sam.
I'm talking about theget religion kinda saved.
- Wait a minute.
You expect me to go before a judge
and convince him that Isuddenly found religion?
You know I don't believeany of this stuff.
- You don't have to believe it.
You just gotta make sure thatthe judge believes it, Sam!
Gentlemen, we are all gonna get saved!
(church organ music)
- [Rusty] Looks like ourReverend Freeman's a no show.
- It's probably a good thing.
I think our good friendhere, Judge Cartwright
was gonna put him awayfor a pretty long time.
- It's kind of a shame really.
He's not a bad fella.
- Problem is, where arewe gonna find a reverend
dumb enough to fall for your plan?
- Just remember there's asucker born every minute.
- All rise.
The Honorable Judge Calden Cartwright.
- You can go ahead and sit down.
- City of Rocky Roadcalls the Reverend Freeman
on the charge of stealing an exhaustion
from a community church.
- Your Honor?
- [Judge] Yes, Mr. Pickens.
- It seems that ReverendFreeman's a no show.
We've got Officer Marrow outlooking for him right now.
- Very well, then.
Next case.
- City calls the strangersfrom out of town.
What are you stooges looking at?
Is that your dumb face oryou always look like that?
Get on over there, you nitwit!
- There's some very seriouscharges against you here.
- Mr. Honorable Judge ofthe local law of Rocky Road,
I believe I can explain.
There were a plethora ofunfortunate circumstances
that betwixt us in front
of the one local business establishment.
- Yes, Your Honor.
We, the accused of certain crimes against
our fellow humanity, we standbefore you as changed men.
- That's right, Your Honor.
You see, last night, we all got saved
and have turned from our wicked ways.
- So you spent a night in theclink and then you met Jesus?
- Yes, we found Jesus!
- Exactly, Your Honor!
- We were heathens out inthe wilderness, Your Honor,
and we were lost andhave come to our senses!
- Like the prayers ofRocky Road Community Church
have been answered.
- Looks like we could getthree for the price of one.
- Three blind saintsleading the blind (laughs).
- How about you?
Are you saved too?
- Tell him how you got saved, Sam.
Tell him.
- Yes, absolutely.
I went to the lost and found
and in God now I trust.
All dogs go to heaven.
- Come on now, son, testify!
Tell 'em how you sawthat bright light, Sam!
- Oh yes, right, the light.
- Yeah, the light!
- Of course how could Iforget the bright light?
Boom!
Right in the noodle.
And it was so intense that
I fell to the ground!
- [Jamal] Booya, smack, wow!
- And then I heard angels singing.
- (singing) Freedom.
- No, no, no, no, theyhad much higher voices.
They were much more girly.
- (singing) Freedom.
- A little higher.
A little higher.
(Frankie and Jamal'svoices raising in pitch)
That's the stuff.
And then I heard the voice.
Sounded just like Mr. Charlton Heston.
And it said let the prisoners go.
(dramatic instrumental music)
- You don't wanna pull my leg, son.
I got a bad hip.
- Judge, Your Honor,may I have the privilege
of addressing the court?
- The Court recognizes Mr. Rusty Pickens.
- How ya doin' Calvin?
- Pretty good, Rusty.
How's yourself?
- [Rusty] Oh just fine.
- What can the court dofor you this fine day?
- Because of the misdeeds of one man
the Rocky Road Community Church
is in dire peril and Irequest that you release
these three fine men to my custody
to do little community service
if it please the court.
- Well, it does please the court.
So I am going to sentenceyou three gentlemen
to custody of one of our leading citizens
and businessmen Mr. Rusty Pickens
to be reviewed again in three weeks.
It's not nice to fool Judge Cartwright.
Court is adjourned.
(gavel pounds)
- [Sam] Okay what just happened?
- Congratulations, boys.
You are now a part of team Rusty,
bringing pride and honor tothe community of Rocky Road.
Now your assignment is toget the Rocky Road Church
up and running and prospering once again.
- What?
You're yankin' our chain.
- No, no, now hold on, Sam.
Now let's hear the man out.
- You boys are from big town.
I know you don't know who I am.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm Rusty Pickens, proprietorof Rusty's Sports Bar.
I also run the town, thecourt, the jail, church.
Tell 'em how it is, Beverly.
- Yes, sir, Mr. Pickens.
Alright boys, here's how it's gonna go.
You, you're gonna work with the kids.
And you, you're gonna handle the music.
And you, you're gonna be our preacher.
- Would you give us just one quick second?
- Take all the time you need.
- Thank you.
These people have lost their marbles.
- They're crazy loco patho.
- There's no time here.
No.
- Excuse me, Mr. Pickens.
We don't wanna appear to be ungrateful
for your inexhaustible benevolence
portrayed to us strangers
while we're in this terriblefix in your fair city.
- What's your point?
- We don't have a doggone clueon how to run a church, sir.
- We have no idea.
- What he said.
- Boys, boys, boys.
What is there to know?
All you've gotta do is doone one-hour service a week.
- One hour a week?
That's not that bad.
When we were in therein front of the judge
we were pretending!
- You just preach peace and love.
You do have some peace andlove in you, don't you?
- Yeah.
- Well sure ya do!
- Yeah, sure.
- Then you collect the money.
- Money?
Did you say money?
- He said cash money.
- I heard money.
- All your parking tickets will disappear.
- Oh really?
- And you can live forfree in the parsonage
next to the church.
- And you said money, right?
- Plus you get a thousand dollars a piece.
- Would you hold that thought
while I check in with my constituents?
- You bet.
- Three weeks!
- Of loving kindness.
- A dozen bucks.
How hard could this be?
- [All] We'll do it!
(dramatic instrumental music)
- Here we are, boys.
Home sweet home.
- Man I don't even rememberthe last time I was in church.
Fellas, what did we get ourselves into?
- Oh my gentlemen, gird up thy loins
for the promised land awaits us.
- Yeah.
- Here they are, ladies andgentlemen, your new ministers.
Formerly of the localjail outreach program,
now called to serve us here.
I know you'll all wanna make 'em welcome.
If you'll excuse me now I've got
some business to take care of.
Good luck boys.
- Welcome, welcome, gentlemen.
We're privileged to have three men of God
such as yourselves here.
I'm Sister Louise.
And if you need anything,just let me know, okay?
Now men you go and make yourselves known.
- Okay, music man.
We need to get somethingstraight from the very beginning.
- We don't want anyhippie music up in here.
- [Jamal] Hippie music?
- That's right.
No rock and roll either.
- We ain't no charismatic church, either.
So don't start any of thatlayin' on of hands, right?
- You need to tell those teenage kids
that we do not allow tattoos
and we do not allow any piercings.
Tongue piercings, lippiercings, nose piercings,
or any other kind of piercings
which I am too much of aChristian lady to mention.
- Or any of that speakin' in tongues.
We don't want any wildfire.
- Wildfire.
- Now I only have one word for you.
12 o'clock.
- That's actually two words.
- Well, it may be two words
but 12 o'clock only comes once a day
and on Sunday at 12 o'clock we need to be
walking out that door.
Now do we have an understanding?
Yeah I think we do.
- You please tell them that.
I'm glad we understand each other.
- I definitely will.
- I don't think we'll have a chance
of any wildfire around here.
- As long as we've got that clear.
You have a nice day andwe'll see ya in church.
- I can't get along with those people.
- Well, well, well.
Mickey and Minnie and Dopey.
- Hey, Geppetto, how ya doing, from court?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, didn't recognize you without the...
- Yeah, and I'm the guarddown at the bank, too.
- And you go to church here.
- For 64 years.
I've seen 'em come, I've seen 'em go.
Not much happens around herethat I don't know about.
So, old Rusty Pickens hasgot hold of you guys, has he?
Remember, not all aresaints who go to church.
- Ooh.
- Well I know you young menare probably tired by now.
I guess you better be gettingon over to where you staying.
It's right next door.
And there's a wonderfulgodly named Tiffany
and she'll have a key, let you in.
Oh, and I can't wait tohear your sermon tomorrow.
(laughs)
I'm sure we'll all be very surprised.
- Well, ah, Sister, if he canmake it through his sermon,
it'll be a miracle.
(Sister laughs)
- Amen, thank you very much, Sister.
Gentlemen, come on!
Let's go check out ourfive star accommodations
at the Rocky Road Church parsonage.
Here's where all the holy menare hanging out this year.
- Let's hope they havethree different bedrooms.
- Hey man, how long we gonna have to wait?
- I could break in using a hair pin.
- Yeah, great idea Frank,
except ain't nobody here got a hairpin!
- Ah no, no, we don't wanna break in.
What would the godly woman Tiffany say?
Lordy, Lordy, Lord!
You boys broke into the church parsonage!
My godliness is aghast!
This will surely be the power of Satan!
- Can you help me, good sister?
- Oh Lordy!
- Free you now from the power of Satan!
You're saved brother!
- Stop, Sam.
- Start saying with me now.
Godly Tiffany says...
- Sam.
- Ah, your name wouldn'thappen to be Tiffany, would it?
- Yeah, actually, godly Tiffany, to you.
- Of course you are.
Um, we were expecting somebody older.
- Yep.
- Much older.
- You're young.
- [Jamal] Much younger.
- And young.
- Well I am here by the power of Tiffany
to let you boys in the house.
- Listen, we were just making...
- Fun of me?
Or you have a problem with old people?
- No we love 'em.
The oldest people we know are elderly.
- Well the place coulddefinitely use a little work.
But for some reason,
we can't seem to keeppreachers around here long.
So I don't think thatyou'll be here either.
Do you really think you have the strength,
integrity, and honorto lead a congregation?
- Would you believe those were my best
subjects in Sunday school?
- Well, I guess we'll find out, won't we?
- I guess we will.
- So I will leave you men of God here
to do whatever men of Goddo on a Saturday afternoon.
- Oh yes, we've got a verybusy day, don't we boys?
- Oh very busy, busy, like...
- Saying our prayers.
- Saying our prayers.
- And feeding the poor.
- Oh we feed the poor.
- And kissing.
- What?
- Babies.
- [Jamal] Kissing thempretty little babies.
- [Frankie] And meeting with Rusty.
- Rusty Pickens?
Why would you meet with?
- It's a different Rusty.
- His dog Rusty.
- Oh you have a dog?
You can't have a dog here.
- No, but I had a dog.
But he died and so now
we gotta go pick out alittle Rusty the dog casket.
- Okay.
- Poor old Rusty.
Sweetest most lovable, loyaldog you ever wanna know.
I can't believe he's gone.
- Okay.
- A bit much.
So anyway.
So listen, after I'mdone burying the pooch,
I was wondering if maybe
you and I could ah...
- Just forget whatever you were thinking.
Guys, godly Tiffany is outta here.
See you at church.
(playful instrumental music)
(church bells ringing)
- Let's make this real easy.
- Easy?
There's nothing easy about these people.
- There's no way in heaven wecan make these people happy.
- Will you listen to me?
I'm gonna tell you how the system works.
All you do is tell 'em their blessings
are right around the corner.
Smile at the kiddos.
Sing a few old songs.
Tell 'em what they wanna hear
and then you collect the money
and give it straight to Beverly.
Got it?
Good.
Let's go.
Oh, wait.
It might help if you put aduh or an ah into some words,
you know, like God-duh!
Church-ah!
Makes it sound more spiritual.
Alright go get 'em.
(energetic rock music)
- Amen.
- Amen!
- Amen.
Well glory child it's time for the hymn.
Please open your books to number 342.
We gonna sing that old great song.
I surrender all.
Amen?
Choir!
Rise.
Five, six, seven, eight.
(singing) I surrender all.
Yes!
- [All] (singing) I surrender all.
- (singing) All to Thee my blessed Savior
I...
(vocalizing) I...
Where's the love?
Sit down, choir.
Amen.
Sam, come on up here.
It's show time.
- Morning.
(mic feeds back)
Ooh.
This is your captain speaking.
Thanks for flying Sam Airlines.
My name is Sam and I'm your new pastor.
So you can call me Pastor Sam.
I'm here to preach my first sermon.
The first part of my sermon
which is about God.
Because that seems to bethe cat you guys are into
so I'm gonna focus on him.
You know, according toJamal's grandmother,
God is everywhere
which is just really, really creepy
if you think about it.
I mean
no me time?
Really?
I guess that's the point of thewhole thing, so here we are.
If God is everywherethen I guess he's here
and that's a good thing!
- I don't know what he's talking about.
- If that's true, I got alot of explaining to do.
And-duh, God-duh said-duh
let-ah there be light-ah.
And there was light!
Ah.
And the lighteth was brighteth
and Godeth said not my eyes!
Don't shine it on me.
And in the words of the prophet
(speaking in foreign language)
may the force be with you.
Floss daily.
Call your mother and don't be a jerk.
Amen.
- [Jamal] Amen!
(some audience applauding)
Amen!
- [Sam] Amen!
- The offering.
- [Sam] What?
- Offering.
- Hold up.
Show's not over.
Time to pay the piper.
Gotta get out thewallets and open them up.
We're gonna take the offering
because it all goes to a good cause.
So cough it up.
(suspenseful instrumental music)
- The more you give, themore you shall receive!
Go ahead put that in.
You know God don't like folk to be cheap!
Amen?
(laughs) That's a good andfaithful servant right there.
Hey, thank you very much allyou congregants for your...
- Good job, good job.
That was absolutely perfect.
You boys have a good week now, ya hear?
- [Jamal] Well we will.
- Alright you can all pile in my car.
We're goin' over to Tiffany'sfor some home-cooked meals.
- Don't have to tell me twice!
- I'm there!
- Daddy, why don't youjust sit right there?
You can see everybody.
Sister Louise, right next to daddy.
- Ooh I like that.
I'm gonna keep my badeye on all this food.
But I'm gonna keep my good eyeon this pretty little lady.
(Sister laughs)
- Okay, daddy, that's enoughfor poor Sister Louise.
You're embarrassing me.
- Well I just want youto know, Miss Tiffany,
that you're safe next to me.
I won't do anything to embarrass you.
- I know you won't 'causeyou'll be sitting over there.
This is my son's spot.
- Of course it is.
- [Tiffany] Did you want a roll, Sister?
- You have a son?
- Yes I do.
- Wonderful.
That's cool.
- [Daddy] Hey, Johnny boy.
Johnny, come on in and sit down.
- Hi.
- Brother Sam, would you do us the honor
of saying the blessing over this food?
- I would be honored.
- Hey Sam, sure you cool with that?
I mean I know you probably tired from
got the glory on you from praying all day,
preaching, you know, let me go ahead and...
- I got it.
Oh dear God,
we come salivating to thy table
fired up to chow downon the fish of the sea
and the birds of the air.
Technically, chickens can't fly.
So I'm not exactly sure where they fit
into thy holy food chain.
Yeah, though, the word on the street
is that you're a kind and loving God.
We know that, ah,
(fly buzzing)
we, ah, know,
you would never actually
(swats table)
that you wouldn't hurt a fly
unless it was molesting thefood on your banquet table.
Amen.
- Amen.
- And that was a very interesting sermon
you preached today, Reverend.
Short, too.
Just the way I like it.
- Well I feel like allpreachers everywhere
should heed to the historical tradition
of being irrelevant yet modernby doing it in less time.
- You know this herepreacher's a very wise man.
- Thank you.
- He is not wise, daddy.
He is a sarcastic man andhe makes fun of old people.
- [Sam] I, it was...
- No offense, Sister.
- I, it was a joke.
She's kidding.
- Well God's power hasa way of changing a man
until he don't hardlyrecognize himself anymore.
- So Johnny, that's a strong name.
You know, a lot of prolificmen were named Johnny.
Johnny Carson, Johnny Cash, Johnny Unitas.
- Johnny on the spot.
- Well he was named afterhis daddy, you know.
- Really?
So not the toilet?
So, what do you wanna bewhen you grow up, Johnny?
You aspire to be a lawyer, fireman?
Hey, maybe even a preacher like me, huh?
- Yeah, that's right.
I wanna grow up to be apreacher full of hot air.
Just like you.
- Ooh.
- Or maybe I could be just like my daddy.
A good for nothin' free-loadin' deserter.
At least that's what my mom calls him.
- And I agree with that 100%.
- Johnny, sometimes peoplehurt us but they don't mean to.
When life gives uslemons, we gotta take 'em
like a bowl of cherries.
We gotta play the cards we're dealt.
But we gotta know when to hold 'em,
know when to fold 'em.
- [Johnny] I don't understand.
- Well said.
Let's eat.
- Don't you think it's alittle strange, Sister,
how we can't seem to keepa preacher in this town?
I mean, Reverend Freeman disappears
and the same day the three stooges arrive
and they all know Rusty Pickens.
- Oh honey I learned a long time ago
not to judge a book by its cover.
The Lord has a mighty funnyway of getting his will done
through some very unlikely people.
Besides, that preacher fella's kinda cute.
- He's cute if you think arrogance is cute
and 10 dollar words.
- Now I said it before and I say it now.
He's cute.
- Ladies, that was amazing.
- Thank you.
- Hey mom!
The guys wanna know if I canplay football out in the lawn!
- No, honey.
We've been over this like 100 times.
I'm sorry.
- Oh mom.
- Sorry guy.
Wow, kinda overprotective,don't you think?
Kid's gotta get out there andtoss around the old pigskin.
Roll around in the dirt, you know?
Have some fun.
- That's easy for you to say
'cause you have not spentnights and nights with him
in the hospital with a broken inhaler
gasping for breath dueto an asthma attack.
- True, but what are you gonna do?
Coddle him his whole life?
Gotta give the boy some space!
Otherwise he'll end up withno friends, no girlfriends.
He'll have to find other waysto look and sound successful.
He'll grow up without a real life.
- Right.
Kind of like yours.
Just three middle-agedguys hangin' around.
- I'm not middle-aged.
And anyway, to really be middle-aged
you'd have to know exactlywhen you're gonna die
which, of course, nobody knows,
then divide it in half to find the middle.
So if you live to be 200,you wouldn't be middle-aged
until you were 100.
- Sam, everything that you just said
is compensating for something.
- Oh, okay, like you're notcompensating for something?
Like, oh, I don't know,
husband who walked out on you
and now you don't wannalet your son play football
because you're afraid of losing him too?
- Right.
You have me completely figured out.
I'm compensating everyday because I'm terrified
that my son has something in his lungs
that killed my mom when I was 10.
Do you feel better now, Mr. Perfect?
- I'm not Mr. Perfect.
- Right.
Mr. Pastor, Perfect.
- I'm not Mr. Perfect.
I'm not Pastor Perfect or otherwise.
I lost somebody I love, too.
I don't know why she decidedto marry that other jerk
but there you go.
There.
You happy?
- No.
Are you happy?
- No.
(slow instrumental music)
I'm gonna go not throw football
with my middle-aged buddies.
- Okay.
- Thanks for the meal.
- You're welcome.
- See ya in church.
- Lord, you're doingan awesome, awesome job
of working those two over.
I can't wait to seewhat's gonna happen next.
(suspenseful instrumental music)
- Hello, boys.
Jamal, everyone's waitingfor you in the choir room
right down that hall and Frankie,
kid's are right down there waitin' for ya.
Yeah, Sam, don't forget tocheck your appointments.
- Appointments?
- Yeah.
Have fun with that.
- Sweet digs.
- That's your office.
- Ha.
Sweet.
What exactly do I do?
- How do I know?
Just be pastoralish.
- Pastoral.
That needs an apostrophe.
Nice.
(singing out of rhythm)
How may I help?
How may I help you?
May I be of service?
- (singing) Are you ready my brother?
- [Choir] (sings) Oh yeah.
- (singing) Are you ready for the journey?
- [Choir] (sings) Oh yeah.
- (singing out of tune)Do you wanna see Jesus?
(stamping paper)
- I just don't feel in touchwith my inner, you know, self.
What you're missing son, is the light-ah.
I cast thee out (snorts).
Get outta that girl, be gone!
I tell ya, be gone!
- The Pastor will see you now.
- You gotsta help me, Pastor Sam.
I gots the food demon.
All I wanna do is eat!
- The schools don't want our kids.
She says it's cause theydidn't get enough oxygen
in the womb but I say it's'cause of all that dope
she smoked while she was pregnant.
- How many wives did King David have?
'Cause I was thinkin' ofgettin' me a couple of more.
- Now I'm not one to gossipor anything like that.
- If you knew what I knew.
- But of course, you couldn't.
- I had a medical condition.
- What medical condition?
- Por-no-gra-phy.
- Landry, dishes.
- I was pregnant.
Duh!
- And when you're sittin'in front of a handsome...
- Young (rolls tongue) Reverend...
- Such as...
- Yourself.
- So, what can I do for ya?
- [Both] God told me thatyou're supposed to marry me.
Now.
Are you gonna obey God or not?
(dark organ music)
(upbeat instrumental music)
- What are we doin' here, man?
This could be like our day off.
- I don't think we get to take days off
now that we're professional ministers.
It's just a picnic.
- Wait a minute.
I know why we're here.
She's here, ain't she?
- [Frankie] Who's here?
- I don't know what you're talking about.
Hello congregation!
Just thought I'd swing by andsee how my flock is doing.
- [Johnny] Hey mom, the guys are here!
- Hey, um, I think today youcould throw a few passes.
- Really?
- [Tiffany] Yeah.
- I thought you didn't want him to...
- Pass it to me!
Pass it to me!
Right here!
Right here!
- Yeah, you're probably right.
I'm a little overprotective.
- Nice catch!
- He probably needs alittle time with the guys.
- I think that is surprisingly cool.
Go deep!
Go deep!
- Good to see you.
Oh, thank you.
(kids yelling)
- So the other day we kindagot off on the wrong foot.
I really didn't give you much of a chance.
Probably wasn't verygodly or Christiany of me
for that matter but...
- Jamal, put down the hot dog, man.
I, I'm glad you're givingus another crack at it.
- Yeah, me too.
- Hey Johnny, go for the long one!
(Johnny coughing)
- Hey, Johnny!
You okay Pal?
- It's okay, Sam.
Sam, I gotcha.
Here baby, come here.
Ready, breathe in.
Breathe in.
Three, two, one, okay?
Good.
Breathe, good job, good.
- Good one, Johnny.
(church bell rings)
(all singing out of tune)
- Hey shut it down!
Shut it off!
(phone rings)
Hey, Cousin Mal!
Ya, you here?
I'm comin' out.
- What is he doing?
- I'll be right back.
I gotta little quick engagement.
I gotta handle a little business outside.
In the meantime, I'mgonna bring up my faithful
brother in the Lord.
Frankie, come on up here!
C'mon Frankie, come on up here.
Hurry up Frank!
Do something.
- But I don't know.
- Hey.
- Where are you going?
- [Jamal] Hey Cousin Ma!
What's up, cuz?
How you doin' man?
- [Cousin] Jamal, my man, cameas soon as I got your call.
- [Jamal] Hey man look,I need you to help me
put some life in this old church!
- [Cousin] No problem Jamal,
my girls'll get 'em crackin' for real!
(singing out of tune)
- Brothers and sisters!
Woo!
It's praise time!
It's time
for us to have some
good God, church!
(upbeat Gospel music)
Without faith
It's impossible to please him
Without faith
So impossible to reach him
Without faith
You never know how much you need him
Everyone who comes to God
Must believe he is
Without faith
It's impossible to please him
Without faith
So impossible to reach him
Without faith
You never know how much you need him
Everyone who comes to God
Must believe he is and he rewards
Still and receive him
Faith
It's the only way to please him
Faith
If you wanna please God
Come to him in faith
'Cause he's real
'Cause he's real
He really cares
He really cares
He really loves you
He really cares
'Cause he's real
My God, he's real
He really cares
He really loves you
He really cares
'Cause he's real
He really cares
He really loves you
He really cares
'Cause he's real
He's really there
He really loves you
He really cares
'Cause he's real
- What did I tell you, Jamal?
Paycheck!
We're in a real bank about tocash in on some legit money!
- [Jamal] 'Cause you knowa brother got to get paid!
- Yeah, that's how that works.
(coins spilling on floor)
- [Jamal] Oh that's Tiffany!
- Oh, hey Tiffany!
Hi.
- Hi.
- Wow.
What happened to you?
Hit a big casino?
- No, I work at the senior center
and Miss Thompson insiststhat I personally deposit
her bingo change every week.
- Well look at you.
You're a church-going supermom
who works with old people.
You're really givingJesus a run for his money.
- Bingo.
Hi, I just need to deposit this.
- Cash that.
So this preaching gig'spretty light midweek.
How about I take you for a ride
in a classic convertible?
You can show the new guy around town.
- That actually would be really fun
but I have to pick up Johnny from school.
We have homework and it's corn dog night.
- Of course, corn dog night.
How can I compete with that?
Another time, maybe?
- Maybe, yeah, another time.
- Alright.
Bye.
- Bye.
(slow instrumental music)
- [Kids] Hi, Frankie!
- Hi!
- Frankie, Frankie, I made this for ya!
- Thank you.
- Pizza time!
I am so fired up.
One more week and we outta here.
We done done our time.
Fellas, we done paid for our crime.
- What are we gonna goback to though, fellas?
We got nothing to go back to.
I mean I'm serious.
I like it here.
This is the best I've ever dressed.
I like getting dressed up for church.
We're gettin' paid.
- Frankie, are you okay?
- You know, honestly,
I don't think it would beso bad to settle down here.
- And what you gonna be, the fake pastor?
- The money's not bad and thepeople are pretty good, too.
- Fellas, fellas, fellas, fellas,
I mean come on.
You guys aren't makin' any sense.
Before you wanna settle down here
with your little Miss Sunshineand all of that good stuff,
pastor a church, you mightwanna consider believing in God!
- I'm working on it.
(phone rings)
- [Jamal] Oh he's working on it, okay.
We hope.
- Pastor Sam, how can I save you?
- How may I save you?
- Shh, he's on the phone, man.
- What?
Yeah, no, slow down, Tiffany.
(dramatic instrumental music)
No absolutely, right now.
Johnny's in the hospital.
He's not breathing.
(instrumental rock music)
- [Sam] Hey.
- Hi.
Thanks for coming.
- Of course.
I jumped in the car as soon as you called.
How is he?
- Not good.
But I'm hoping you can get in there.
- Yeah, we'll go inthere and see if we can't
cheer the little guy up.
- Will you pray for him?
- Pray for him?
- Yeah.
Pray for my son's healing
so that he can get better.
Come on, the doctors are leaving.
- Tiffany, Tiffany, I can't.
- No, yeah, it's okay.
- No, no, I mean, I really, I can't.
I mean, making up a blessingbefore we have lunch
is one thing but I can'tgo pray to heal a sick kid.
- Why?
- 'Cause I don't believe it.
(slow instrumental music)
Tiffany I'm not a real preacher.
We ran into trouble andRusty Pickens bailed us out
and offered us these jobspretending to be ministers.
But we're faking it.
I can't pray for a miracle or a blessing.
I can't pray to heal a common cold.
- Just leave, Sam.
(door closes)
(slow instrumental music)
(instrumental rock music)
- Hey oh no, excuse me guys.
No, no, I gotta get through there.
I really need to see Rusty.
See?
He's waving me in.
- What can I do for you, Reverend?
- It's over.
I'm done.
I can't do it anymore!
- Whoa now, hold your horses.
Boys, get the Reverend a drink.
- I don't drink.
And stop callin' me that!
- Look, would you relax?
It's only gonna be a couple more days
and you go before Judge Cartwright
and he throws out the caseand you're free to go.
- I'm not doing a couple more days.
- Is it the money?
You need a raise?
- No, it's not the money!
- Then what is it?
- What we're doing, Rusty!
It's not right!
- (laughs) Before you go Mr. Moral on me,
I've got something I wanna show you.
Might change your mind.
Now then, Sam, church, aswe know it, is in the past.
I mean people want progress.
They want big and Iintend to give it to 'em.
I'm gonna tear down that little chapel
and I'm gonna replace it with this.
(Sam whistles)
I call it my spiritual shopping complex.
A mega mall church, if you will.
We'll have a sushi bar.
We'll have a cineplex.
We'll have clothing boutiquesfor the ladies, of course,
and right smack dab in themiddle is Rusty's Sports Bar.
- It's impressive but
don't people usually goto church to find God?
- Find God?
No!
They go to church to find themselves!
But I'll tell you the mostimpressive thing about this
is it is paid for by tax-free donations
and contributions from thefine citizens of Rocky Road.
- So you and Beverlyhave been stealing money
from the church so you can build this.
- I'm doing the town a favor!
I'm investing in the future.
God is a hot commodity, Sam,
and I want you to bemy number one salesman.
Imagine this.
Every shop in the mall,
in every corner there'sa flat screen television
with you preaching on it
telling people how toachieve love and success.
What'd you think?
- Ah, I think,
I think,
I think,
I think it's flippin' brilliant!
I mean it offers the superfluous lifestyle
that Americans know and love
while still painting it inthe whitewash of religion!
- [Rusty] Yeah, and you can be famous!
- Rich and famous!
- Oh it's the chance of a lifetime!
I'm telling you.
- I've spent my entire life chasing
the chance of a lifetimebut I'm always too late!
Right now, spot on time!
- Amen brother!
So you're with me?
- Ah Rusty, I wanna be with you.
I want to be with you!
But if I do this,
I'm gonna be late forsomething more important.
- What in the Sam Hillare you talking about?
- Rusty, there's a sick kidand a scared mom who need me.
Only I got nothing to give 'em.
I can't give 'em faith'cause I don't have any.
I can't pray for 'em 'causeI don't have it in me.
I can't sell religion, Rusty.
I thought I could.
But...
It got to me.
They got to me.
I quit.
- You can't quit!
You know too much!
If you walk out that door
I'm gonna make you regretever comin' to this town!
(heavy rock music)
Officer Marrow, I've got a job for you.
(car engine not turning over)
(Sam exclaims)
(slow instrumental music)
- [Man 1] Come on.
- [Man 2] It's locked.
- [Man 1] I got a key.
- [Man 2] How'd you get a key?
- [Man 1] Rusty's got a key to everything.
Frankie, hey Frankie.
- Hello Frankie.
- Officer Marrow?
- [Officer] Come on,let's get out of here.
(dramatic rock music)
(phone rings)
- Hey, what's up Jamal?
- Oh hey man, we got trouble, Sam!
- Is it Johnny?
- Hey no, no, not Johnny.
Frankie!
- Frankie?
What's wrong with Frankie?
- I don't know man, I musthave fell asleep, man,
'cause all I know I heard some commotion
in the living room
and somebody was yelling,something like that man
and I saw Frankie in theback seat of a car, man!
They were driving him down the street!
- Oh no.
- [Jamal] Oh man, what we gonna do, Sam?
We gotta come up with a plan!
- I don't know!
- What do you mean you don't know?
I'm a black man in the boondocks
and you know they coming after me next!
- Alright look, just calm down!
Get outta there!
Meet me at the church.
- Go to the church?
I ain't got no car.
- That's why God gave us faith!
(slams phone down)
- (sings) Jesus loves me this I know.
- Oh boy.
This isn't good.
Oh, perfect.
What else?
Ah!
- Gimme your wallet.
- Seriously?
- No I'm being facetious.
Wallet!
- The leather's fake!
(slow instrumental music)
(thunder clashing)
(rain falling)
(thunder clashing)
(slow instrumental music)
Jamal?
Jamal?
Alright.
(Sam exhales)
Hello?
Anybody up there?
Knock, knock.
Great, I'm playing knock, knock jokes.
Knock, knock?
Who's there?
God.
God who?
Well that's just it, isn't it?
- Oh, hey Reverend.
I didn't see you come in.
- Do I know you?
- Nah, you don't know me.
But I do know you.
Just call me Mr. Patterson,the maintenance man.
Now you wouldn't mind if I just continued
to work here quietly now, would you?
- Go ahead.
I don't know what I'm doing here anyway.
Don't believe in any ofthis religious mumbo jumbo.
- Mumbo jumbo?
Is that what you think all this is?
(laughs) Mumbo jumbo seems to me describes
more the way your life's been goin'.
Now we got a sick boy in the hospital
and you can't get yourmumbo nor your jumbo
to work for you.
Ain't that right?
- Yeah, I guess.
- I was wondering if maybe you could
just do me a little favor.
You know maintenance man can always use
another pair of hands.
You think you could come and help me?
- Sure.
Why not?
(slow instrumental music)
- Now here's all you gotta do.
You just take this screwdriver right here
and just put it, and put it right...
- Right there?
- Right there.
(electricity jolting)
(heavy rock music)
- Hello?
Ah, Mr. Patterson?
Something's wrong with my eyes!
Hello?
Somebody, anybody, help me!
I can't see!
(heavy rock music)
- [God] Funny thing being around me.
Those who say they're blind can see.
And those who think theycan see become blind.
(laughs) Guess we know whatkind of person you are.
- Mr. Patterson?
- [God] Ah, but don't worry.
It eventually wears off.
- What does?
The blindness?
- [God] Look on the bright side, Sam.
I could have had you
drivin' your classiccar when this happened.
- Who are you?
(knocking)
- Knock, knock.
Who's there?
God!
God who?
(people laughing)
- Okay you know what?
Not funny!
It's not a joke!
I'm really starting to freak out here!
- [God] Freaking out?
Isn't that being illogicaland unscientific?
After all, if you can't seeit, feel it, or smell it,
then it's all just ancientsuperstition, isn't that right?
- How did you know I said that?
- [God] I've always been a know-it-all.
(people laughing)
(thunder clashing)
- Am I dead?
Or am I going crazy?
- [God] Maybe you're dead.
Maybe you're crazy.
Maybe you're both (laughs).
Okay, Reverend Sam.
Let us reason together.
You want Johnny to live.
- Of course.
- [God] So do I.
- Well then why don't you do something?
- [God] Why don't you do something?
- I can't.
- [God] The miracle is in your hands.
- My hands?
I can't heal anybody.
- [God] How do you know you can't?
Maybe you're just tryingto heal the wrong person.
Son, you're making the same mistake
that everybody makes.
You want to take mypower to change the world
but you won't let my power change you.
- Well, what am I supposed to do?
- [God] Wrong question.
It's not what you're supposed to do.
It's who you're supposed to be.
- Alright, well, who am I supposed to be?
- [God] Sam, that's onequestion only you can answer.
Become who you're supposed to be
and what you're supposed to do
will take care of itself.
Well I better get you back.
You got a busy night ahead of you.
- Wait!
Am I ever gonna meet you again?
- [God] Will you ever meet me?
Sam, you have been meeting me.
So keep looking!
(instrumental rock music)
- Sam, Sam!
Wake up, wake up!
- [Sister] What in the name
of holy creation happened to him?
- Ah!
- Ah!
- Hold on!
Give me another chance!
- Sam, honey!
- Unhand me!
- It's just your friend Jamal!
- What happened?
- I was working with Mr.Patterson, the maintenance man,
and I had the screwdriverand I was working and zap!
Electricity shot outand jumped all over me!
- Oh honey, there is no electricity.
The electricity been out all evening
and there's no Mr. Patterson either.
- Oh no, no, he washere and we were working
and I was blind!
Couldn't see a thing!
And then there was thunderand there was lightning!
- Well did the lightninghit you upside the head
'cause you look crazy, man!
- We need some lights in here.
- Jamal, help me up.
I'm sorry, I thought you were Satan.
Hey Jamal, listen.
- Look man, you are out of your mind!
- Stop it!
Something's out there.
- What?
What's out there?
Oh the cops, they out there, oh!
Oh Rusty, Rusty, Rusty's out there!
- Well he's out there but that'snot what I'm talking about.
- Oh those cops they got Frankie!
The cops that got Frankie?
- No, no, no, no!
It's not out there, out there.
Out there, up there!
- What?
- The whole God thing, man.
It's real!
All that God stuff that we've been trying
to fake our wake our way through?
It's real!
- I know that's real!
God is real, brother.
I believe in God!
You don't believe in God!
- I do now!
- What?
- Ha!
I found the real thing tonight, Jamal!
Or it found me or something, man,
but all I know is Ifinally feel like I know
what I'm supposed to doand who I'm supposed to be!
- Oh man would you pleasehook a brother up, man,
'cause you got me so daggone confused!
- Okay, follow this.
Rusty and Beverly havebeen using us as decoys.
They've been stealingmoney from this church
and they're gonna tear the thing down.
- What?
- So they can build like this
jumbo mega mall sports church thing!
- What?
- And you and me and Frankie,we're gonna stop 'em.
- And me and you and Frankie,me, you, and Frankie?
Where is Frankie, man?
We don't even know whereFrankie is anymore!
- We're gonna find him too!
Because Rusty's got him.
I know it!
- Rusty?
- Rusty's after us, man.
We gotta figure out a way to get to Rusty.
What we need is a plan.
- We get a plan!
- We get a plan.
That's what we gotta do.
Let's think.
- Let's think, let's think.
- Hey, y'all talking aboutno good Rusty Pickens?
- Every man's got a weakness.
- Well I know what his weakness is.
As long as I've known him
his weakness has beenpretty girls and skirts.
- Well that makes me
(drum hit)
- What's wrong?
- I'm listening.
- What's he doing?
- Finish!
Alright, I'll do it.
I'm not gonna like it.
But I'll do it.
- Whatcha gonna do?
- I believe God just gave us a plan.
(instrumental country music)
What a rustic establishment.
- We're closed.
- Ah, fiddlesticks.
- Hello, ladies.
What can we do for you?
Come on in.
- Don't mind if we do.
Excuse me young man.
Well I would love a tall glass of water.
- What about you, little lady?
- Oh let me get a little chocolate milk.
- Milk?
- Yeah, make it dirty, baby.
- Oh, tough girl, huh?
I like that.
I was about to close up here.
- Oh.
- How would you girls like to stick around
for a little private party?
(slaps Sam)
- Oh!
That was rude.
- Heard that.
Can't believe you got me into this.
- This was his idea, remember?
- You want us to stick around with you?
- Oh no, you boys lock up and go on home.
- Well would it have killedyou to shave the beard?
- Yes!
- I can take care of theselittle ladies by myself.
- Okay.
- Come on, ladies.
Let's get this party started.
- Well who put a nickel in you?
Come on brown sugar!
- I like the sound of that.
Woo hoo!
- You don't mind if I set my purse down.
- He's out shaking it.
(upbeat rock music)
- [Rusty] Ooh ee, I can'twait to see what comes next.
- Oh it's a surprise.
- [Rusty] Oh I love surprises.
- Really?
Well what do you thinkabout this surprise?
Boom.
- Bam!
How you like us now?
(all laughing)
- Oh gentlemen, I knewit was you all along.
- Oh yeah.
- That's a very funny jokeand you can untie me now.
- Oh no, after what you did to Frankie?
You about to see what thefive fingers said to the face!
- That's not necessary!
I didn't mean any harm.
I just asked Officer Marrowto detain him a little bit.
- Detain him?
- [Jamal] Detain him?
- So our little Frankie is rotting away
right now as we speak insome miserable jail cell?
- You got any twos?
- Any twos?
Nope, go fish!
- You better not be messin' with him!
- I just need to make onephone call to get him released!
- Hmm.
- My phone is in my pocket.
- Get that phone, Sam, get the phone.
- This better be real.
- Now punch one.
- I punched it.
- That's good.
(phone rings)
- Yeah.
- Please hold for Rusty Pickens.
- Hello Officer Marrow.
Listen, would you releasethat little pipsqueak.
- Free?
- I said release him, yes,and send him this way.
- Alright.
Whatever you say, boss.
- Well partner, looks likethis is your lucky day.
- These are hard to open with these nails
and I'm not sure purple's the right color.
- No?
- Because now in hindsight,lime green purple,
I think it might havesent the wrong signal.
Hey Frankie!
- Hey Frankie!
- There he is!
- [Jamal] Frankie baby!
- Sam?
Jamal?
You would not believewhere I've just been.
- Man, we know man.
We made the call to get you out.
- Why you guys wearing dresses?
Why is he tied to a chair?
Why do I all of a sudden feelincredibly uncomfortable?
- All very solid questions
that I can't answer right now.
Frankie, we're on a tight schedule.
We are men on a mission.
We spent our entire lives on the take.
Right now we gotta dosomething for somebody else.
- Sam, we've been overthis 100 times, man!
How are we gonna do thatwhen the church's money's
probably still locked up in the bank?
- I have no idea what youtwo birds are going on about
but we do know Hugo whoworks over at the bank.
- Good thinkin', Frankie.
- And the bank opens in a few hours.
Gentlemen,
- Right.
- It's illogical,
it's unscientific, but it might just be
the miracle we need.
- There he is!
He's right there.
- Mr. Hugo, we were wondering if we
could take a moment of your time.
- Take my time?
- You got to help, you got to help
'cause they'll tear downthe cathedral, the church,
and they wanna put a mall there.
Stores...
- What are you talking about, you nitwit?
- Listen, what Frankie meansis that Rusty and Beverly
have been stealing fromthe church for years
and we're pretty sure themoney's right here in this bank.
- We gotta get the moneyoutta here before they do!
Can you help us?
- Can I help?
What do you think I do?
Stand here all day and hopethat my Depends hold out?
Follow me.
You say old Beverly's been stealing money
and stashing it away, hey?
- [All] Mmm hmm.
- [Hugo] There she is alright.
- I knew it.
- Except for one problem.
- [Jamal] What's that?
- There ain't no money in there.
- What?
There has to be.
- There was some money.
A lot of money.
But it seems like old Beverly
took out every penny yesterday.
- What?
You mean to tell me shedone robbed a church,
now she gonna rob old Mr. Pickens too?
- That coot is gonna goballistic when he hears this
and I can't wait to tell him!
- Sorry, Lord, I'm not really a bad man.
My mother never loved me.
My father wore a tutu and founded
The Pickens' PirouetteInstitute Exotic Dance.
It's not my fault!
- Hey Rusty.
- What, what?
- We just got back from the bank
and Beverly swindled you and ran off
with all your money.
- Aww.
- Get my phone!
- What's the magic word?
- Please!
Punch one.
Put it in my ear.
- [Sam] Right.
- Officer Marrow, Beverly just ran off
with all the money.
Find her!
Now hang it up.
- What's the magic word?
- Please!
Now we gotta get you guys in court
and we gotta get Beverly behind bars
for a long, long, time.
- Court.
- Court.
Guys, we got a date with the judge.
- Wait a sec, what arewe gonna do with him?
(instrumental rock music)
- Oh Lord, please.
Nobody told me the circus was in town.
Order!
Order in the court!
What is happening here?
Excuse me.
Does somebody have anexplanation for this?
(all shouting)
Order!
I said order.
Now, how were you threeinvolved in all of this?
- Yes, well, Your Honor,my compatriots and I
are victims of inexplicable circumstances.
With all good intentions, we were drawn
into a web of preposterous irregularities.
- Uh huh.
- [Officer] I got her everybody!
- Oh please.
- I got her and I got your money!
- What kind of a world?
There are days I think thatI'm just losing control.
- She stole the money!
- Bad Beverly!
- She's the one that's got the money.
(all shouting)
- Settle, please, settle!
- [Hugo] I got something I wanna say.
- The Court recognizes Hugo.
How you doing, dad?
Go ahead.
- That's your dad?
- Hey, it's a small town.
Now these three, I would call them dumb
except that would be an insult
to the rest of all you dumb people here.
But they did ask me to help them.
Now we foiled the plot of evil Beverly.
Sam, Jamal, and Frankie,
thank you for believing in me.
I love you guys.
- Boys, you done good.
Case dismissed.
(gavel pounds)
- Oh Sam!
- As for Miss Beverly,would you lock her up, dad,
until the hearing tomorrow at 10 o'clock?
- Okay, son.
- And now we get to Mr. Rusty Pickens.
Mr. Pickens, you have stolen, lied,
deceived, have you gotanything to say for yourself?
(Rusty murmurs)
Ah, beg your pardon?
- Oh.
- Your Honor, lastnight in my darkest hour
I was saved!
I came to my senses andrealized my evil ways
and repented of while Iwas tied to this chair
as I am now,
I saw
the light!
- A bright, shiny light?
- Yeah, yeah, that's it.
A bright, shiny light.
- Let me guess.
It knocked you to the ground?
- Yeah, yeah.
It knocked me to the ground.
- Lord, Lord, come help us now
because it's starting all over again.
(upbeat rock music)
(knocks on door)
- I really don't think you should be here.
- I know.
I just need one minute.
Okay, how about 30 seconds?
- It's okay.
- Johnny looks good.
How's he doing?
- Much better, no thanks to you.
- Yeah, Tiffany, look, Iowe you a big apology, okay?
A really big one.
I lied to you and I hurt you
but I didn't do it on purpose.
Well, okay, obviously Ilied to you on purpose.
But the hurting you part,that I didn't see coming.
I've done a lot of dumb things in my day
and I never cared who Istepped on in the process.
But I also never met anybody like you.
- Am I supposed to be flattered by that?
I can see right through you, Sam,
and all this is just a big game to you.
Apparently, I'm the prize.
So, guess what?
You lose.
Why don't you just getyour friends and leave.
- Yeah I would.
But I don't think I can.
- Why?
- I think I'm supposed to stay here
and believe it or not,
I even think I'm supposed tobe the pastor of this church.
- Yeah, that would be an odd career choice
for somebody who doesn'teven believe in God.
- Actually now I do.
- Oh just like that.
- Yeah, I know, kinda crazy right?
But the big guy's pretty convincing.
- Well, I'm happy for you, Sam.
But what makes you think that this church
is gonna want you?
You didn't just lie to me.
You lied to a whole town.
- I guess I got a lot ofpeople to apologize to.
Do you have a phone book?
- Sam, my family needs meand I'm not gonna do this.
- Tiffany, I don't expect you to do this.
I don't expect you to let me back in.
I just hope you won'tcompletely shut me out.
- I'm gonna get a cup of coffee.
- I'm gonna come with you, dad.
Your 30 seconds is over, Sam.
- See ya in church?
(slow instrumental music)
Here goes nothing.
(slow rock music)
Good morning.
As you probably heard,
or at least figured out,
we're not who we said we were.
We didn't really come hereto work for your church.
We were working to stay out of jail
and make some easy cash.
Which quite frankly, wewere more than happy to do
because we figured all of you
would end up being a bunch of judgmental,
hypocritical, self-centeredreligious kooks.
You know what?
You kind of are.
But we're not any better.
What we did was really low.
We should probably be packingup and driving out of here.
Frankie, Jamal,
you're the only family I've ever had.
(slow instrumental music)
Until now.
This town and this church,
is starting to feel like home.
We wanna stay.
Whether or not you'll let us,
well I guess that's just up to you.
- Well now you all know I'vebeen coming to this church
since I was a baby.
And I can spot a phony.
And I've seen them comeand I've seen them go.
But these three are thebiggest phonies I've ever seen.
Oh, I knew they weren't preachers
but I also knew that Godcould take a old pair of shoes
and with a little polish and spit shine
have those things lookinglike they was new!
I know they helped steal our money.
They did that.
But they got it back.
I think we oughta keep these old shoes.
They just might turnout to be the best thing
to happen in this church.
(all applauding)
(fast gospel music)
- Church!
Without faith
It's impossible to please him
Without faith
So impossible to reach him
Without faith
You'll never know how much you need him
Everyone who comes toGod must believe his is
Without faith
It's impossible to please him
Without faith
So impossible to reach him
Without faith
You'll never know how much you need him
Everyone who comes toGod must believe he is
And he rewards
Faith
(all applauding)
- You know, I think you and I
can make some great music together.
- You can't sing!
(laughs) That's okay baby,I do like your style.
Hallelujah, praise the Lord.
- So what do you think?
Maybe one of these days you'll let me
take you for a ride inmy classy convertible?
Show the new and improvedme the hotspots around town?
- Maybe.
- Good enough.
- Hey what did you expect?
You knew it was gonna have a happy ending.
You moron.
(energetic gospel music)
(energetic rock music)
- There were a plethora ofunfortunate circumstances
that betwicked us - that betwicked us?
We got twicked and we're tworry.
(instrumental rock music)
- Sam, don't we go in?
- I think so but Jamal stopped!
- I don't know what happened.
- To have three men of Godhere such as yourselves.
I'm Sister Elizabeth.
- [Sam] You are?
We're in the wrong room.
(all laughing)
I'm on the wrong set.
- I don't know who that is.
- Him preach?
Him?
This white guy?
Him preach?
(laughing)
If he makes it through thesermon it'd be a miracle.
- Amen.
If you can make it throughthat line, it'd be a miracle.
- Him preach?
(singing)
- Hello?
Sorry God, I'm in the middle of a thing
can I get back to you?
Eager to eat the birds of the air
and the beasts of the field.
Which leads me to ask what'swrong with horse meat?
They live in the field.
Because they're prettier than cattle?
I suppose that's why onlyaliens take our fat women.
For probing.
But what I can say with some sincerity
I apologize for them, Lord.
They know not what they do.
- Oh, you about to find out!
What?
What?
(instrumental rock music)
- [Sam] Yeah, we should wait.
Cut.
I don't hear it now.
Good, we're good?
- [Director] Quiet please.
- [Sam] Oh, sorry.
- Sam!
We've been through this 100 times!
Sam, we've been through this 100 times!
How we gonna do that, man?
We know that the money is probably still
locked up in the bank.
Sam!
We've been through this 100 times!
We know!
Sam, we've been through this 100 times!
We know that the church's money
is probably still locked up in the bank.
Sam, we've been through this 100 times!
We know that the church's money
is probably still locked up in the bank.
Sam!
We've been through this 100 times!
(laughs)
- Yes we have!
We have been through this 100 times.
Frankie, Jamal, let's get asmall apartment in the city
and start our own family.
Are we good?
- [Director] Cut.
- I like you (coughs).
Sorry I had a cigaretteon my way over here.
Nerves.
(Tiffany laughing)
(Jamal screaming)
- Excuse me.
- [Sam] Don't leave me!
(both laughing)
(instrumental rock music)
- [Sam] Cut.
(instrumental rock music)
All my life I've been a logical man
But I've seen thingsI just don't understand
Feeling the feelingsI never thought I would
I don't understand itbut it sure feels good
If you were to smell it
Or see with my eyes
But there's a truth I've gotta realize
I've always been blind
But now I can see
It almost makes me believe in a miracle
Yes a miracle
Whoa
Dreamin' and steamin' however I could
Not really doin' thethings that I should
- [Man] Repent for thekingdom of God is nigh!
Thank you brother!
Couldn't find my way nomatter how hard I've tried
Didn't know I was lost
Didn't know I was blind
Til you opened my eyeswith the light you shine
When I found your loveit made everything new
It almost makes me believe in a miracle
Yeah yeah
Come on
- [Sam] Frankie, you know the rules.
No eating in in the car.
Lose it.
- [Man] Ya jerk!
- [Jamal] We really need toconsider getting some real jobs
so we can make some real money.
I mean, come on.
- Real job?
Are you out of your mind?
Gentlemen, we are livin' the dream, man!
We got no responsibilities,travelin' the country.
This is the first day ofthe rest of our lives.
- Uh oh, here he come.
- [Frankie] Yeah I think I've heard
this song and dance before.
- Okay, alright, I understand.
The singing concierge's gigdidn't work out exactly.
- I like being called a singing concierge.
- Frankie, you don't sing!
- That's true.
- You know isn't itillegal for them to just
fire us just like that anyway?
- It should be.
Which just proves you shouldnever put your faith and trust
in the powers that be.
- It's Frankie's fault.
- Hey, you know what?
The big girl was wearinga shirt that said guess?
So I said, 350 pounds.
- She's the boss's daughter, Frankie!
- That don't make her thin.
- Guys, forget it!
This next gig is the one
that's gonna make us a lot of money.
- Look Sam, since we were kids every time
you had a good idea,something really bad happened.
- Look I'm telling you guys,they haven't all been bad.
- [Jamal] Not buyin' it.
- We're just ahead of our time.
Stick with me here 'cause I feel it.
There is something bigon the horizon for us.
Big.
- Hey, hold on a sec.
Look at that right there, rightthere, right, right, right.
I got a coupon right here.
It says free reading by Big Ursula.
- Frankie, Frankie, Frankie, Frankie,
don't you know that's alljust a bunch of hocus pocus?
- Yes, exactly.
- What is?
What's a bunch of hocus pocus?
- That, all of it.
Fortune tellers, ghosts,goblins, vampires,
meditation, God himself,I mean I'm tellin' ya
it's all illogical and unscientific.
- [Jamal] That's right.
- Unless you can touchit, feel it, or smell it,
my friend, it's all ancient superstition.
- Frankie, Sam's right.
It's an abomination.
- Sam, let's go, come on.
- It's a sin, man.
- How would you know?
You don't go to church.
- My great grandmama LulaPearl, God rest her soul,
precious, love you, grandma,
she taught me everythingI need to know about sin.
- Come on, Sam, let's go!
- Alright fine, five minutes tops.
- Yes!
- We'll stop, pull over, see Ursula.
We'll get a bite to eat.
We'll be outta there!
- [Jamal] See why do youget to decide where we go
and what we do?
- [Sam] Study your history, Jamal.
The man with the carhas always historically
been the boss of said passengers.
(rock music)
It's not in my headbut it's deep in my heart
It almost makes me believe
In a miracle
(brakes squealing)
- [Jamal] Man, where'dyou learn how to brake?
- [Frankie] Comin' in, Sam?
- [Sam] No!
- [Jamal] Abomination!
- [Frankie] I'll be rightback with some good news!
- [Sam] Rusty's Sports Bar, huh?
Maybe that's where we'll go for lunch.
- Man, I got a bad, badfeeling about this, Sam.
A bad feeling about this.
- Seriously, you're overreacting.
It's like we're in Mayberry, USA here.
We're fine.
- Good afternoon, gentlemen.
- Hi.
- You boys aren't fromaround here, are you?
- Oh, no, Officer.
No we are not.
- Whatcha doin' here?
- Well, as you can see,Mr. Officer of the law,
we are patrons of one of yourfine local establishments.
- That's right.
You know Mr. Officer,I'm sure you heard of us.
We're the famous singing concierge.
(sings) La!
- (sings) La!
- (sings) Ah! Hey.
- You know you're double parked?
- No, sir.
But if you hum a fewbars, I'd try to fake it.
Hey!
- That's not what he meant.
- Maybe I should check your plates.
Just in case y'all are dangerous fugitives
runnin' from the law.
- That's not necessary.
- Hey Frankie!
- Alright I'm gonna let you go.
But you boys watch yourselves, you hear?
- Oh that we will do,Mr. Officer of the law.
- I am grateful fromthe bottom of my heart.
- Sam, she read my palm and she said son,
this is your lucky day.
Then she gave me a freebottle of glory be!
- Frankie, I don't careand get rid of that.
You can't drink in the car.
Now!
Get rid of it!
- Fine!
(bottle breaking)
- Really Frankie?
- Outta the car!
Get over on that curb!
Come on, all of you!
All three of you!
Sit over there on that curb.
- [Sam] Officer, I can explain.
- Shut up!
Over there!
Let's go!
Sit!
I knew the three of you were up to no good
the minute I saw you roll into town.
- Good thing he didn't see the tickets
in the glove compartment.
- What's that?
Speeding tickets?
Tickets, tickets, tickets!
Just as I thought.
A bunch of law breakers.
(cell door closing)
- Some lucky day.
- Day ain't over yet.
- Ah look at the bright side, boys.
Tomorrow we'll go before some small town
chucklehead judge who's probably a deacon
at the corner church.
Play our cards right, wecan get him to forgive us,
as every good Christian should,
and we will be on our way.
- Say, say I got an idea onhow to get us outta here!
- Whatcha thinkin' Jamal?
- Everybody who goes to jail gets saved.
Ain't that right, Frankie?
- I pretty much got savedevery time I was in jail
and baptized too if therewere any water in the toilet.
(laughs)
- Saved?
You know somebody whocan bust us outta here?
- I'm not talking aboutthat kinda saved, Sam.
I'm talking about theget religion kinda saved.
- Wait a minute.
You expect me to go before a judge
and convince him that Isuddenly found religion?
You know I don't believeany of this stuff.
- You don't have to believe it.
You just gotta make sure thatthe judge believes it, Sam!
Gentlemen, we are all gonna get saved!
(church organ music)
- [Rusty] Looks like ourReverend Freeman's a no show.
- It's probably a good thing.
I think our good friendhere, Judge Cartwright
was gonna put him awayfor a pretty long time.
- It's kind of a shame really.
He's not a bad fella.
- Problem is, where arewe gonna find a reverend
dumb enough to fall for your plan?
- Just remember there's asucker born every minute.
- All rise.
The Honorable Judge Calden Cartwright.
- You can go ahead and sit down.
- City of Rocky Roadcalls the Reverend Freeman
on the charge of stealing an exhaustion
from a community church.
- Your Honor?
- [Judge] Yes, Mr. Pickens.
- It seems that ReverendFreeman's a no show.
We've got Officer Marrow outlooking for him right now.
- Very well, then.
Next case.
- City calls the strangersfrom out of town.
What are you stooges looking at?
Is that your dumb face oryou always look like that?
Get on over there, you nitwit!
- There's some very seriouscharges against you here.
- Mr. Honorable Judge ofthe local law of Rocky Road,
I believe I can explain.
There were a plethora ofunfortunate circumstances
that betwixt us in front
of the one local business establishment.
- Yes, Your Honor.
We, the accused of certain crimes against
our fellow humanity, we standbefore you as changed men.
- That's right, Your Honor.
You see, last night, we all got saved
and have turned from our wicked ways.
- So you spent a night in theclink and then you met Jesus?
- Yes, we found Jesus!
- Exactly, Your Honor!
- We were heathens out inthe wilderness, Your Honor,
and we were lost andhave come to our senses!
- Like the prayers ofRocky Road Community Church
have been answered.
- Looks like we could getthree for the price of one.
- Three blind saintsleading the blind (laughs).
- How about you?
Are you saved too?
- Tell him how you got saved, Sam.
Tell him.
- Yes, absolutely.
I went to the lost and found
and in God now I trust.
All dogs go to heaven.
- Come on now, son, testify!
Tell 'em how you sawthat bright light, Sam!
- Oh yes, right, the light.
- Yeah, the light!
- Of course how could Iforget the bright light?
Boom!
Right in the noodle.
And it was so intense that
I fell to the ground!
- [Jamal] Booya, smack, wow!
- And then I heard angels singing.
- (singing) Freedom.
- No, no, no, no, theyhad much higher voices.
They were much more girly.
- (singing) Freedom.
- A little higher.
A little higher.
(Frankie and Jamal'svoices raising in pitch)
That's the stuff.
And then I heard the voice.
Sounded just like Mr. Charlton Heston.
And it said let the prisoners go.
(dramatic instrumental music)
- You don't wanna pull my leg, son.
I got a bad hip.
- Judge, Your Honor,may I have the privilege
of addressing the court?
- The Court recognizes Mr. Rusty Pickens.
- How ya doin' Calvin?
- Pretty good, Rusty.
How's yourself?
- [Rusty] Oh just fine.
- What can the court dofor you this fine day?
- Because of the misdeeds of one man
the Rocky Road Community Church
is in dire peril and Irequest that you release
these three fine men to my custody
to do little community service
if it please the court.
- Well, it does please the court.
So I am going to sentenceyou three gentlemen
to custody of one of our leading citizens
and businessmen Mr. Rusty Pickens
to be reviewed again in three weeks.
It's not nice to fool Judge Cartwright.
Court is adjourned.
(gavel pounds)
- [Sam] Okay what just happened?
- Congratulations, boys.
You are now a part of team Rusty,
bringing pride and honor tothe community of Rocky Road.
Now your assignment is toget the Rocky Road Church
up and running and prospering once again.
- What?
You're yankin' our chain.
- No, no, now hold on, Sam.
Now let's hear the man out.
- You boys are from big town.
I know you don't know who I am.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm Rusty Pickens, proprietorof Rusty's Sports Bar.
I also run the town, thecourt, the jail, church.
Tell 'em how it is, Beverly.
- Yes, sir, Mr. Pickens.
Alright boys, here's how it's gonna go.
You, you're gonna work with the kids.
And you, you're gonna handle the music.
And you, you're gonna be our preacher.
- Would you give us just one quick second?
- Take all the time you need.
- Thank you.
These people have lost their marbles.
- They're crazy loco patho.
- There's no time here.
No.
- Excuse me, Mr. Pickens.
We don't wanna appear to be ungrateful
for your inexhaustible benevolence
portrayed to us strangers
while we're in this terriblefix in your fair city.
- What's your point?
- We don't have a doggone clueon how to run a church, sir.
- We have no idea.
- What he said.
- Boys, boys, boys.
What is there to know?
All you've gotta do is doone one-hour service a week.
- One hour a week?
That's not that bad.
When we were in therein front of the judge
we were pretending!
- You just preach peace and love.
You do have some peace andlove in you, don't you?
- Yeah.
- Well sure ya do!
- Yeah, sure.
- Then you collect the money.
- Money?
Did you say money?
- He said cash money.
- I heard money.
- All your parking tickets will disappear.
- Oh really?
- And you can live forfree in the parsonage
next to the church.
- And you said money, right?
- Plus you get a thousand dollars a piece.
- Would you hold that thought
while I check in with my constituents?
- You bet.
- Three weeks!
- Of loving kindness.
- A dozen bucks.
How hard could this be?
- [All] We'll do it!
(dramatic instrumental music)
- Here we are, boys.
Home sweet home.
- Man I don't even rememberthe last time I was in church.
Fellas, what did we get ourselves into?
- Oh my gentlemen, gird up thy loins
for the promised land awaits us.
- Yeah.
- Here they are, ladies andgentlemen, your new ministers.
Formerly of the localjail outreach program,
now called to serve us here.
I know you'll all wanna make 'em welcome.
If you'll excuse me now I've got
some business to take care of.
Good luck boys.
- Welcome, welcome, gentlemen.
We're privileged to have three men of God
such as yourselves here.
I'm Sister Louise.
And if you need anything,just let me know, okay?
Now men you go and make yourselves known.
- Okay, music man.
We need to get somethingstraight from the very beginning.
- We don't want anyhippie music up in here.
- [Jamal] Hippie music?
- That's right.
No rock and roll either.
- We ain't no charismatic church, either.
So don't start any of thatlayin' on of hands, right?
- You need to tell those teenage kids
that we do not allow tattoos
and we do not allow any piercings.
Tongue piercings, lippiercings, nose piercings,
or any other kind of piercings
which I am too much of aChristian lady to mention.
- Or any of that speakin' in tongues.
We don't want any wildfire.
- Wildfire.
- Now I only have one word for you.
12 o'clock.
- That's actually two words.
- Well, it may be two words
but 12 o'clock only comes once a day
and on Sunday at 12 o'clock we need to be
walking out that door.
Now do we have an understanding?
Yeah I think we do.
- You please tell them that.
I'm glad we understand each other.
- I definitely will.
- I don't think we'll have a chance
of any wildfire around here.
- As long as we've got that clear.
You have a nice day andwe'll see ya in church.
- I can't get along with those people.
- Well, well, well.
Mickey and Minnie and Dopey.
- Hey, Geppetto, how ya doing, from court?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, didn't recognize you without the...
- Yeah, and I'm the guarddown at the bank, too.
- And you go to church here.
- For 64 years.
I've seen 'em come, I've seen 'em go.
Not much happens around herethat I don't know about.
So, old Rusty Pickens hasgot hold of you guys, has he?
Remember, not all aresaints who go to church.
- Ooh.
- Well I know you young menare probably tired by now.
I guess you better be gettingon over to where you staying.
It's right next door.
And there's a wonderfulgodly named Tiffany
and she'll have a key, let you in.
Oh, and I can't wait tohear your sermon tomorrow.
(laughs)
I'm sure we'll all be very surprised.
- Well, ah, Sister, if he canmake it through his sermon,
it'll be a miracle.
(Sister laughs)
- Amen, thank you very much, Sister.
Gentlemen, come on!
Let's go check out ourfive star accommodations
at the Rocky Road Church parsonage.
Here's where all the holy menare hanging out this year.
- Let's hope they havethree different bedrooms.
- Hey man, how long we gonna have to wait?
- I could break in using a hair pin.
- Yeah, great idea Frank,
except ain't nobody here got a hairpin!
- Ah no, no, we don't wanna break in.
What would the godly woman Tiffany say?
Lordy, Lordy, Lord!
You boys broke into the church parsonage!
My godliness is aghast!
This will surely be the power of Satan!
- Can you help me, good sister?
- Oh Lordy!
- Free you now from the power of Satan!
You're saved brother!
- Stop, Sam.
- Start saying with me now.
Godly Tiffany says...
- Sam.
- Ah, your name wouldn'thappen to be Tiffany, would it?
- Yeah, actually, godly Tiffany, to you.
- Of course you are.
Um, we were expecting somebody older.
- Yep.
- Much older.
- You're young.
- [Jamal] Much younger.
- And young.
- Well I am here by the power of Tiffany
to let you boys in the house.
- Listen, we were just making...
- Fun of me?
Or you have a problem with old people?
- No we love 'em.
The oldest people we know are elderly.
- Well the place coulddefinitely use a little work.
But for some reason,
we can't seem to keeppreachers around here long.
So I don't think thatyou'll be here either.
Do you really think you have the strength,
integrity, and honorto lead a congregation?
- Would you believe those were my best
subjects in Sunday school?
- Well, I guess we'll find out, won't we?
- I guess we will.
- So I will leave you men of God here
to do whatever men of Goddo on a Saturday afternoon.
- Oh yes, we've got a verybusy day, don't we boys?
- Oh very busy, busy, like...
- Saying our prayers.
- Saying our prayers.
- And feeding the poor.
- Oh we feed the poor.
- And kissing.
- What?
- Babies.
- [Jamal] Kissing thempretty little babies.
- [Frankie] And meeting with Rusty.
- Rusty Pickens?
Why would you meet with?
- It's a different Rusty.
- His dog Rusty.
- Oh you have a dog?
You can't have a dog here.
- No, but I had a dog.
But he died and so now
we gotta go pick out alittle Rusty the dog casket.
- Okay.
- Poor old Rusty.
Sweetest most lovable, loyaldog you ever wanna know.
I can't believe he's gone.
- Okay.
- A bit much.
So anyway.
So listen, after I'mdone burying the pooch,
I was wondering if maybe
you and I could ah...
- Just forget whatever you were thinking.
Guys, godly Tiffany is outta here.
See you at church.
(playful instrumental music)
(church bells ringing)
- Let's make this real easy.
- Easy?
There's nothing easy about these people.
- There's no way in heaven wecan make these people happy.
- Will you listen to me?
I'm gonna tell you how the system works.
All you do is tell 'em their blessings
are right around the corner.
Smile at the kiddos.
Sing a few old songs.
Tell 'em what they wanna hear
and then you collect the money
and give it straight to Beverly.
Got it?
Good.
Let's go.
Oh, wait.
It might help if you put aduh or an ah into some words,
you know, like God-duh!
Church-ah!
Makes it sound more spiritual.
Alright go get 'em.
(energetic rock music)
- Amen.
- Amen!
- Amen.
Well glory child it's time for the hymn.
Please open your books to number 342.
We gonna sing that old great song.
I surrender all.
Amen?
Choir!
Rise.
Five, six, seven, eight.
(singing) I surrender all.
Yes!
- [All] (singing) I surrender all.
- (singing) All to Thee my blessed Savior
I...
(vocalizing) I...
Where's the love?
Sit down, choir.
Amen.
Sam, come on up here.
It's show time.
- Morning.
(mic feeds back)
Ooh.
This is your captain speaking.
Thanks for flying Sam Airlines.
My name is Sam and I'm your new pastor.
So you can call me Pastor Sam.
I'm here to preach my first sermon.
The first part of my sermon
which is about God.
Because that seems to bethe cat you guys are into
so I'm gonna focus on him.
You know, according toJamal's grandmother,
God is everywhere
which is just really, really creepy
if you think about it.
I mean
no me time?
Really?
I guess that's the point of thewhole thing, so here we are.
If God is everywherethen I guess he's here
and that's a good thing!
- I don't know what he's talking about.
- If that's true, I got alot of explaining to do.
And-duh, God-duh said-duh
let-ah there be light-ah.
And there was light!
Ah.
And the lighteth was brighteth
and Godeth said not my eyes!
Don't shine it on me.
And in the words of the prophet
(speaking in foreign language)
may the force be with you.
Floss daily.
Call your mother and don't be a jerk.
Amen.
- [Jamal] Amen!
(some audience applauding)
Amen!
- [Sam] Amen!
- The offering.
- [Sam] What?
- Offering.
- Hold up.
Show's not over.
Time to pay the piper.
Gotta get out thewallets and open them up.
We're gonna take the offering
because it all goes to a good cause.
So cough it up.
(suspenseful instrumental music)
- The more you give, themore you shall receive!
Go ahead put that in.
You know God don't like folk to be cheap!
Amen?
(laughs) That's a good andfaithful servant right there.
Hey, thank you very much allyou congregants for your...
- Good job, good job.
That was absolutely perfect.
You boys have a good week now, ya hear?
- [Jamal] Well we will.
- Alright you can all pile in my car.
We're goin' over to Tiffany'sfor some home-cooked meals.
- Don't have to tell me twice!
- I'm there!
- Daddy, why don't youjust sit right there?
You can see everybody.
Sister Louise, right next to daddy.
- Ooh I like that.
I'm gonna keep my badeye on all this food.
But I'm gonna keep my good eyeon this pretty little lady.
(Sister laughs)
- Okay, daddy, that's enoughfor poor Sister Louise.
You're embarrassing me.
- Well I just want youto know, Miss Tiffany,
that you're safe next to me.
I won't do anything to embarrass you.
- I know you won't 'causeyou'll be sitting over there.
This is my son's spot.
- Of course it is.
- [Tiffany] Did you want a roll, Sister?
- You have a son?
- Yes I do.
- Wonderful.
That's cool.
- [Daddy] Hey, Johnny boy.
Johnny, come on in and sit down.
- Hi.
- Brother Sam, would you do us the honor
of saying the blessing over this food?
- I would be honored.
- Hey Sam, sure you cool with that?
I mean I know you probably tired from
got the glory on you from praying all day,
preaching, you know, let me go ahead and...
- I got it.
Oh dear God,
we come salivating to thy table
fired up to chow downon the fish of the sea
and the birds of the air.
Technically, chickens can't fly.
So I'm not exactly sure where they fit
into thy holy food chain.
Yeah, though, the word on the street
is that you're a kind and loving God.
We know that, ah,
(fly buzzing)
we, ah, know,
you would never actually
(swats table)
that you wouldn't hurt a fly
unless it was molesting thefood on your banquet table.
Amen.
- Amen.
- And that was a very interesting sermon
you preached today, Reverend.
Short, too.
Just the way I like it.
- Well I feel like allpreachers everywhere
should heed to the historical tradition
of being irrelevant yet modernby doing it in less time.
- You know this herepreacher's a very wise man.
- Thank you.
- He is not wise, daddy.
He is a sarcastic man andhe makes fun of old people.
- [Sam] I, it was...
- No offense, Sister.
- I, it was a joke.
She's kidding.
- Well God's power hasa way of changing a man
until he don't hardlyrecognize himself anymore.
- So Johnny, that's a strong name.
You know, a lot of prolificmen were named Johnny.
Johnny Carson, Johnny Cash, Johnny Unitas.
- Johnny on the spot.
- Well he was named afterhis daddy, you know.
- Really?
So not the toilet?
So, what do you wanna bewhen you grow up, Johnny?
You aspire to be a lawyer, fireman?
Hey, maybe even a preacher like me, huh?
- Yeah, that's right.
I wanna grow up to be apreacher full of hot air.
Just like you.
- Ooh.
- Or maybe I could be just like my daddy.
A good for nothin' free-loadin' deserter.
At least that's what my mom calls him.
- And I agree with that 100%.
- Johnny, sometimes peoplehurt us but they don't mean to.
When life gives uslemons, we gotta take 'em
like a bowl of cherries.
We gotta play the cards we're dealt.
But we gotta know when to hold 'em,
know when to fold 'em.
- [Johnny] I don't understand.
- Well said.
Let's eat.
- Don't you think it's alittle strange, Sister,
how we can't seem to keepa preacher in this town?
I mean, Reverend Freeman disappears
and the same day the three stooges arrive
and they all know Rusty Pickens.
- Oh honey I learned a long time ago
not to judge a book by its cover.
The Lord has a mighty funnyway of getting his will done
through some very unlikely people.
Besides, that preacher fella's kinda cute.
- He's cute if you think arrogance is cute
and 10 dollar words.
- Now I said it before and I say it now.
He's cute.
- Ladies, that was amazing.
- Thank you.
- Hey mom!
The guys wanna know if I canplay football out in the lawn!
- No, honey.
We've been over this like 100 times.
I'm sorry.
- Oh mom.
- Sorry guy.
Wow, kinda overprotective,don't you think?
Kid's gotta get out there andtoss around the old pigskin.
Roll around in the dirt, you know?
Have some fun.
- That's easy for you to say
'cause you have not spentnights and nights with him
in the hospital with a broken inhaler
gasping for breath dueto an asthma attack.
- True, but what are you gonna do?
Coddle him his whole life?
Gotta give the boy some space!
Otherwise he'll end up withno friends, no girlfriends.
He'll have to find other waysto look and sound successful.
He'll grow up without a real life.
- Right.
Kind of like yours.
Just three middle-agedguys hangin' around.
- I'm not middle-aged.
And anyway, to really be middle-aged
you'd have to know exactlywhen you're gonna die
which, of course, nobody knows,
then divide it in half to find the middle.
So if you live to be 200,you wouldn't be middle-aged
until you were 100.
- Sam, everything that you just said
is compensating for something.
- Oh, okay, like you're notcompensating for something?
Like, oh, I don't know,
husband who walked out on you
and now you don't wannalet your son play football
because you're afraid of losing him too?
- Right.
You have me completely figured out.
I'm compensating everyday because I'm terrified
that my son has something in his lungs
that killed my mom when I was 10.
Do you feel better now, Mr. Perfect?
- I'm not Mr. Perfect.
- Right.
Mr. Pastor, Perfect.
- I'm not Mr. Perfect.
I'm not Pastor Perfect or otherwise.
I lost somebody I love, too.
I don't know why she decidedto marry that other jerk
but there you go.
There.
You happy?
- No.
Are you happy?
- No.
(slow instrumental music)
I'm gonna go not throw football
with my middle-aged buddies.
- Okay.
- Thanks for the meal.
- You're welcome.
- See ya in church.
- Lord, you're doingan awesome, awesome job
of working those two over.
I can't wait to seewhat's gonna happen next.
(suspenseful instrumental music)
- Hello, boys.
Jamal, everyone's waitingfor you in the choir room
right down that hall and Frankie,
kid's are right down there waitin' for ya.
Yeah, Sam, don't forget tocheck your appointments.
- Appointments?
- Yeah.
Have fun with that.
- Sweet digs.
- That's your office.
- Ha.
Sweet.
What exactly do I do?
- How do I know?
Just be pastoralish.
- Pastoral.
That needs an apostrophe.
Nice.
(singing out of rhythm)
How may I help?
How may I help you?
May I be of service?
- (singing) Are you ready my brother?
- [Choir] (sings) Oh yeah.
- (singing) Are you ready for the journey?
- [Choir] (sings) Oh yeah.
- (singing out of tune)Do you wanna see Jesus?
(stamping paper)
- I just don't feel in touchwith my inner, you know, self.
What you're missing son, is the light-ah.
I cast thee out (snorts).
Get outta that girl, be gone!
I tell ya, be gone!
- The Pastor will see you now.
- You gotsta help me, Pastor Sam.
I gots the food demon.
All I wanna do is eat!
- The schools don't want our kids.
She says it's cause theydidn't get enough oxygen
in the womb but I say it's'cause of all that dope
she smoked while she was pregnant.
- How many wives did King David have?
'Cause I was thinkin' ofgettin' me a couple of more.
- Now I'm not one to gossipor anything like that.
- If you knew what I knew.
- But of course, you couldn't.
- I had a medical condition.
- What medical condition?
- Por-no-gra-phy.
- Landry, dishes.
- I was pregnant.
Duh!
- And when you're sittin'in front of a handsome...
- Young (rolls tongue) Reverend...
- Such as...
- Yourself.
- So, what can I do for ya?
- [Both] God told me thatyou're supposed to marry me.
Now.
Are you gonna obey God or not?
(dark organ music)
(upbeat instrumental music)
- What are we doin' here, man?
This could be like our day off.
- I don't think we get to take days off
now that we're professional ministers.
It's just a picnic.
- Wait a minute.
I know why we're here.
She's here, ain't she?
- [Frankie] Who's here?
- I don't know what you're talking about.
Hello congregation!
Just thought I'd swing by andsee how my flock is doing.
- [Johnny] Hey mom, the guys are here!
- Hey, um, I think today youcould throw a few passes.
- Really?
- [Tiffany] Yeah.
- I thought you didn't want him to...
- Pass it to me!
Pass it to me!
Right here!
Right here!
- Yeah, you're probably right.
I'm a little overprotective.
- Nice catch!
- He probably needs alittle time with the guys.
- I think that is surprisingly cool.
Go deep!
Go deep!
- Good to see you.
Oh, thank you.
(kids yelling)
- So the other day we kindagot off on the wrong foot.
I really didn't give you much of a chance.
Probably wasn't verygodly or Christiany of me
for that matter but...
- Jamal, put down the hot dog, man.
I, I'm glad you're givingus another crack at it.
- Yeah, me too.
- Hey Johnny, go for the long one!
(Johnny coughing)
- Hey, Johnny!
You okay Pal?
- It's okay, Sam.
Sam, I gotcha.
Here baby, come here.
Ready, breathe in.
Breathe in.
Three, two, one, okay?
Good.
Breathe, good job, good.
- Good one, Johnny.
(church bell rings)
(all singing out of tune)
- Hey shut it down!
Shut it off!
(phone rings)
Hey, Cousin Mal!
Ya, you here?
I'm comin' out.
- What is he doing?
- I'll be right back.
I gotta little quick engagement.
I gotta handle a little business outside.
In the meantime, I'mgonna bring up my faithful
brother in the Lord.
Frankie, come on up here!
C'mon Frankie, come on up here.
Hurry up Frank!
Do something.
- But I don't know.
- Hey.
- Where are you going?
- [Jamal] Hey Cousin Ma!
What's up, cuz?
How you doin' man?
- [Cousin] Jamal, my man, cameas soon as I got your call.
- [Jamal] Hey man look,I need you to help me
put some life in this old church!
- [Cousin] No problem Jamal,
my girls'll get 'em crackin' for real!
(singing out of tune)
- Brothers and sisters!
Woo!
It's praise time!
It's time
for us to have some
good God, church!
(upbeat Gospel music)
Without faith
It's impossible to please him
Without faith
So impossible to reach him
Without faith
You never know how much you need him
Everyone who comes to God
Must believe he is
Without faith
It's impossible to please him
Without faith
So impossible to reach him
Without faith
You never know how much you need him
Everyone who comes to God
Must believe he is and he rewards
Still and receive him
Faith
It's the only way to please him
Faith
If you wanna please God
Come to him in faith
'Cause he's real
'Cause he's real
He really cares
He really cares
He really loves you
He really cares
'Cause he's real
My God, he's real
He really cares
He really loves you
He really cares
'Cause he's real
He really cares
He really loves you
He really cares
'Cause he's real
He's really there
He really loves you
He really cares
'Cause he's real
- What did I tell you, Jamal?
Paycheck!
We're in a real bank about tocash in on some legit money!
- [Jamal] 'Cause you knowa brother got to get paid!
- Yeah, that's how that works.
(coins spilling on floor)
- [Jamal] Oh that's Tiffany!
- Oh, hey Tiffany!
Hi.
- Hi.
- Wow.
What happened to you?
Hit a big casino?
- No, I work at the senior center
and Miss Thompson insiststhat I personally deposit
her bingo change every week.
- Well look at you.
You're a church-going supermom
who works with old people.
You're really givingJesus a run for his money.
- Bingo.
Hi, I just need to deposit this.
- Cash that.
So this preaching gig'spretty light midweek.
How about I take you for a ride
in a classic convertible?
You can show the new guy around town.
- That actually would be really fun
but I have to pick up Johnny from school.
We have homework and it's corn dog night.
- Of course, corn dog night.
How can I compete with that?
Another time, maybe?
- Maybe, yeah, another time.
- Alright.
Bye.
- Bye.
(slow instrumental music)
- [Kids] Hi, Frankie!
- Hi!
- Frankie, Frankie, I made this for ya!
- Thank you.
- Pizza time!
I am so fired up.
One more week and we outta here.
We done done our time.
Fellas, we done paid for our crime.
- What are we gonna goback to though, fellas?
We got nothing to go back to.
I mean I'm serious.
I like it here.
This is the best I've ever dressed.
I like getting dressed up for church.
We're gettin' paid.
- Frankie, are you okay?
- You know, honestly,
I don't think it would beso bad to settle down here.
- And what you gonna be, the fake pastor?
- The money's not bad and thepeople are pretty good, too.
- Fellas, fellas, fellas, fellas,
I mean come on.
You guys aren't makin' any sense.
Before you wanna settle down here
with your little Miss Sunshineand all of that good stuff,
pastor a church, you mightwanna consider believing in God!
- I'm working on it.
(phone rings)
- [Jamal] Oh he's working on it, okay.
We hope.
- Pastor Sam, how can I save you?
- How may I save you?
- Shh, he's on the phone, man.
- What?
Yeah, no, slow down, Tiffany.
(dramatic instrumental music)
No absolutely, right now.
Johnny's in the hospital.
He's not breathing.
(instrumental rock music)
- [Sam] Hey.
- Hi.
Thanks for coming.
- Of course.
I jumped in the car as soon as you called.
How is he?
- Not good.
But I'm hoping you can get in there.
- Yeah, we'll go inthere and see if we can't
cheer the little guy up.
- Will you pray for him?
- Pray for him?
- Yeah.
Pray for my son's healing
so that he can get better.
Come on, the doctors are leaving.
- Tiffany, Tiffany, I can't.
- No, yeah, it's okay.
- No, no, I mean, I really, I can't.
I mean, making up a blessingbefore we have lunch
is one thing but I can'tgo pray to heal a sick kid.
- Why?
- 'Cause I don't believe it.
(slow instrumental music)
Tiffany I'm not a real preacher.
We ran into trouble andRusty Pickens bailed us out
and offered us these jobspretending to be ministers.
But we're faking it.
I can't pray for a miracle or a blessing.
I can't pray to heal a common cold.
- Just leave, Sam.
(door closes)
(slow instrumental music)
(instrumental rock music)
- Hey oh no, excuse me guys.
No, no, I gotta get through there.
I really need to see Rusty.
See?
He's waving me in.
- What can I do for you, Reverend?
- It's over.
I'm done.
I can't do it anymore!
- Whoa now, hold your horses.
Boys, get the Reverend a drink.
- I don't drink.
And stop callin' me that!
- Look, would you relax?
It's only gonna be a couple more days
and you go before Judge Cartwright
and he throws out the caseand you're free to go.
- I'm not doing a couple more days.
- Is it the money?
You need a raise?
- No, it's not the money!
- Then what is it?
- What we're doing, Rusty!
It's not right!
- (laughs) Before you go Mr. Moral on me,
I've got something I wanna show you.
Might change your mind.
Now then, Sam, church, aswe know it, is in the past.
I mean people want progress.
They want big and Iintend to give it to 'em.
I'm gonna tear down that little chapel
and I'm gonna replace it with this.
(Sam whistles)
I call it my spiritual shopping complex.
A mega mall church, if you will.
We'll have a sushi bar.
We'll have a cineplex.
We'll have clothing boutiquesfor the ladies, of course,
and right smack dab in themiddle is Rusty's Sports Bar.
- It's impressive but
don't people usually goto church to find God?
- Find God?
No!
They go to church to find themselves!
But I'll tell you the mostimpressive thing about this
is it is paid for by tax-free donations
and contributions from thefine citizens of Rocky Road.
- So you and Beverlyhave been stealing money
from the church so you can build this.
- I'm doing the town a favor!
I'm investing in the future.
God is a hot commodity, Sam,
and I want you to bemy number one salesman.
Imagine this.
Every shop in the mall,
in every corner there'sa flat screen television
with you preaching on it
telling people how toachieve love and success.
What'd you think?
- Ah, I think,
I think,
I think,
I think it's flippin' brilliant!
I mean it offers the superfluous lifestyle
that Americans know and love
while still painting it inthe whitewash of religion!
- [Rusty] Yeah, and you can be famous!
- Rich and famous!
- Oh it's the chance of a lifetime!
I'm telling you.
- I've spent my entire life chasing
the chance of a lifetimebut I'm always too late!
Right now, spot on time!
- Amen brother!
So you're with me?
- Ah Rusty, I wanna be with you.
I want to be with you!
But if I do this,
I'm gonna be late forsomething more important.
- What in the Sam Hillare you talking about?
- Rusty, there's a sick kidand a scared mom who need me.
Only I got nothing to give 'em.
I can't give 'em faith'cause I don't have any.
I can't pray for 'em 'causeI don't have it in me.
I can't sell religion, Rusty.
I thought I could.
But...
It got to me.
They got to me.
I quit.
- You can't quit!
You know too much!
If you walk out that door
I'm gonna make you regretever comin' to this town!
(heavy rock music)
Officer Marrow, I've got a job for you.
(car engine not turning over)
(Sam exclaims)
(slow instrumental music)
- [Man 1] Come on.
- [Man 2] It's locked.
- [Man 1] I got a key.
- [Man 2] How'd you get a key?
- [Man 1] Rusty's got a key to everything.
Frankie, hey Frankie.
- Hello Frankie.
- Officer Marrow?
- [Officer] Come on,let's get out of here.
(dramatic rock music)
(phone rings)
- Hey, what's up Jamal?
- Oh hey man, we got trouble, Sam!
- Is it Johnny?
- Hey no, no, not Johnny.
Frankie!
- Frankie?
What's wrong with Frankie?
- I don't know man, I musthave fell asleep, man,
'cause all I know I heard some commotion
in the living room
and somebody was yelling,something like that man
and I saw Frankie in theback seat of a car, man!
They were driving him down the street!
- Oh no.
- [Jamal] Oh man, what we gonna do, Sam?
We gotta come up with a plan!
- I don't know!
- What do you mean you don't know?
I'm a black man in the boondocks
and you know they coming after me next!
- Alright look, just calm down!
Get outta there!
Meet me at the church.
- Go to the church?
I ain't got no car.
- That's why God gave us faith!
(slams phone down)
- (sings) Jesus loves me this I know.
- Oh boy.
This isn't good.
Oh, perfect.
What else?
Ah!
- Gimme your wallet.
- Seriously?
- No I'm being facetious.
Wallet!
- The leather's fake!
(slow instrumental music)
(thunder clashing)
(rain falling)
(thunder clashing)
(slow instrumental music)
Jamal?
Jamal?
Alright.
(Sam exhales)
Hello?
Anybody up there?
Knock, knock.
Great, I'm playing knock, knock jokes.
Knock, knock?
Who's there?
God.
God who?
Well that's just it, isn't it?
- Oh, hey Reverend.
I didn't see you come in.
- Do I know you?
- Nah, you don't know me.
But I do know you.
Just call me Mr. Patterson,the maintenance man.
Now you wouldn't mind if I just continued
to work here quietly now, would you?
- Go ahead.
I don't know what I'm doing here anyway.
Don't believe in any ofthis religious mumbo jumbo.
- Mumbo jumbo?
Is that what you think all this is?
(laughs) Mumbo jumbo seems to me describes
more the way your life's been goin'.
Now we got a sick boy in the hospital
and you can't get yourmumbo nor your jumbo
to work for you.
Ain't that right?
- Yeah, I guess.
- I was wondering if maybe you could
just do me a little favor.
You know maintenance man can always use
another pair of hands.
You think you could come and help me?
- Sure.
Why not?
(slow instrumental music)
- Now here's all you gotta do.
You just take this screwdriver right here
and just put it, and put it right...
- Right there?
- Right there.
(electricity jolting)
(heavy rock music)
- Hello?
Ah, Mr. Patterson?
Something's wrong with my eyes!
Hello?
Somebody, anybody, help me!
I can't see!
(heavy rock music)
- [God] Funny thing being around me.
Those who say they're blind can see.
And those who think theycan see become blind.
(laughs) Guess we know whatkind of person you are.
- Mr. Patterson?
- [God] Ah, but don't worry.
It eventually wears off.
- What does?
The blindness?
- [God] Look on the bright side, Sam.
I could have had you
drivin' your classiccar when this happened.
- Who are you?
(knocking)
- Knock, knock.
Who's there?
God!
God who?
(people laughing)
- Okay you know what?
Not funny!
It's not a joke!
I'm really starting to freak out here!
- [God] Freaking out?
Isn't that being illogicaland unscientific?
After all, if you can't seeit, feel it, or smell it,
then it's all just ancientsuperstition, isn't that right?
- How did you know I said that?
- [God] I've always been a know-it-all.
(people laughing)
(thunder clashing)
- Am I dead?
Or am I going crazy?
- [God] Maybe you're dead.
Maybe you're crazy.
Maybe you're both (laughs).
Okay, Reverend Sam.
Let us reason together.
You want Johnny to live.
- Of course.
- [God] So do I.
- Well then why don't you do something?
- [God] Why don't you do something?
- I can't.
- [God] The miracle is in your hands.
- My hands?
I can't heal anybody.
- [God] How do you know you can't?
Maybe you're just tryingto heal the wrong person.
Son, you're making the same mistake
that everybody makes.
You want to take mypower to change the world
but you won't let my power change you.
- Well, what am I supposed to do?
- [God] Wrong question.
It's not what you're supposed to do.
It's who you're supposed to be.
- Alright, well, who am I supposed to be?
- [God] Sam, that's onequestion only you can answer.
Become who you're supposed to be
and what you're supposed to do
will take care of itself.
Well I better get you back.
You got a busy night ahead of you.
- Wait!
Am I ever gonna meet you again?
- [God] Will you ever meet me?
Sam, you have been meeting me.
So keep looking!
(instrumental rock music)
- Sam, Sam!
Wake up, wake up!
- [Sister] What in the name
of holy creation happened to him?
- Ah!
- Ah!
- Hold on!
Give me another chance!
- Sam, honey!
- Unhand me!
- It's just your friend Jamal!
- What happened?
- I was working with Mr.Patterson, the maintenance man,
and I had the screwdriverand I was working and zap!
Electricity shot outand jumped all over me!
- Oh honey, there is no electricity.
The electricity been out all evening
and there's no Mr. Patterson either.
- Oh no, no, he washere and we were working
and I was blind!
Couldn't see a thing!
And then there was thunderand there was lightning!
- Well did the lightninghit you upside the head
'cause you look crazy, man!
- We need some lights in here.
- Jamal, help me up.
I'm sorry, I thought you were Satan.
Hey Jamal, listen.
- Look man, you are out of your mind!
- Stop it!
Something's out there.
- What?
What's out there?
Oh the cops, they out there, oh!
Oh Rusty, Rusty, Rusty's out there!
- Well he's out there but that'snot what I'm talking about.
- Oh those cops they got Frankie!
The cops that got Frankie?
- No, no, no, no!
It's not out there, out there.
Out there, up there!
- What?
- The whole God thing, man.
It's real!
All that God stuff that we've been trying
to fake our wake our way through?
It's real!
- I know that's real!
God is real, brother.
I believe in God!
You don't believe in God!
- I do now!
- What?
- Ha!
I found the real thing tonight, Jamal!
Or it found me or something, man,
but all I know is Ifinally feel like I know
what I'm supposed to doand who I'm supposed to be!
- Oh man would you pleasehook a brother up, man,
'cause you got me so daggone confused!
- Okay, follow this.
Rusty and Beverly havebeen using us as decoys.
They've been stealingmoney from this church
and they're gonna tear the thing down.
- What?
- So they can build like this
jumbo mega mall sports church thing!
- What?
- And you and me and Frankie,we're gonna stop 'em.
- And me and you and Frankie,me, you, and Frankie?
Where is Frankie, man?
We don't even know whereFrankie is anymore!
- We're gonna find him too!
Because Rusty's got him.
I know it!
- Rusty?
- Rusty's after us, man.
We gotta figure out a way to get to Rusty.
What we need is a plan.
- We get a plan!
- We get a plan.
That's what we gotta do.
Let's think.
- Let's think, let's think.
- Hey, y'all talking aboutno good Rusty Pickens?
- Every man's got a weakness.
- Well I know what his weakness is.
As long as I've known him
his weakness has beenpretty girls and skirts.
- Well that makes me
(drum hit)
- What's wrong?
- I'm listening.
- What's he doing?
- Finish!
Alright, I'll do it.
I'm not gonna like it.
But I'll do it.
- Whatcha gonna do?
- I believe God just gave us a plan.
(instrumental country music)
What a rustic establishment.
- We're closed.
- Ah, fiddlesticks.
- Hello, ladies.
What can we do for you?
Come on in.
- Don't mind if we do.
Excuse me young man.
Well I would love a tall glass of water.
- What about you, little lady?
- Oh let me get a little chocolate milk.
- Milk?
- Yeah, make it dirty, baby.
- Oh, tough girl, huh?
I like that.
I was about to close up here.
- Oh.
- How would you girls like to stick around
for a little private party?
(slaps Sam)
- Oh!
That was rude.
- Heard that.
Can't believe you got me into this.
- This was his idea, remember?
- You want us to stick around with you?
- Oh no, you boys lock up and go on home.
- Well would it have killedyou to shave the beard?
- Yes!
- I can take care of theselittle ladies by myself.
- Okay.
- Come on, ladies.
Let's get this party started.
- Well who put a nickel in you?
Come on brown sugar!
- I like the sound of that.
Woo hoo!
- You don't mind if I set my purse down.
- He's out shaking it.
(upbeat rock music)
- [Rusty] Ooh ee, I can'twait to see what comes next.
- Oh it's a surprise.
- [Rusty] Oh I love surprises.
- Really?
Well what do you thinkabout this surprise?
Boom.
- Bam!
How you like us now?
(all laughing)
- Oh gentlemen, I knewit was you all along.
- Oh yeah.
- That's a very funny jokeand you can untie me now.
- Oh no, after what you did to Frankie?
You about to see what thefive fingers said to the face!
- That's not necessary!
I didn't mean any harm.
I just asked Officer Marrowto detain him a little bit.
- Detain him?
- [Jamal] Detain him?
- So our little Frankie is rotting away
right now as we speak insome miserable jail cell?
- You got any twos?
- Any twos?
Nope, go fish!
- You better not be messin' with him!
- I just need to make onephone call to get him released!
- Hmm.
- My phone is in my pocket.
- Get that phone, Sam, get the phone.
- This better be real.
- Now punch one.
- I punched it.
- That's good.
(phone rings)
- Yeah.
- Please hold for Rusty Pickens.
- Hello Officer Marrow.
Listen, would you releasethat little pipsqueak.
- Free?
- I said release him, yes,and send him this way.
- Alright.
Whatever you say, boss.
- Well partner, looks likethis is your lucky day.
- These are hard to open with these nails
and I'm not sure purple's the right color.
- No?
- Because now in hindsight,lime green purple,
I think it might havesent the wrong signal.
Hey Frankie!
- Hey Frankie!
- There he is!
- [Jamal] Frankie baby!
- Sam?
Jamal?
You would not believewhere I've just been.
- Man, we know man.
We made the call to get you out.
- Why you guys wearing dresses?
Why is he tied to a chair?
Why do I all of a sudden feelincredibly uncomfortable?
- All very solid questions
that I can't answer right now.
Frankie, we're on a tight schedule.
We are men on a mission.
We spent our entire lives on the take.
Right now we gotta dosomething for somebody else.
- Sam, we've been overthis 100 times, man!
How are we gonna do thatwhen the church's money's
probably still locked up in the bank?
- I have no idea what youtwo birds are going on about
but we do know Hugo whoworks over at the bank.
- Good thinkin', Frankie.
- And the bank opens in a few hours.
Gentlemen,
- Right.
- It's illogical,
it's unscientific, but it might just be
the miracle we need.
- There he is!
He's right there.
- Mr. Hugo, we were wondering if we
could take a moment of your time.
- Take my time?
- You got to help, you got to help
'cause they'll tear downthe cathedral, the church,
and they wanna put a mall there.
Stores...
- What are you talking about, you nitwit?
- Listen, what Frankie meansis that Rusty and Beverly
have been stealing fromthe church for years
and we're pretty sure themoney's right here in this bank.
- We gotta get the moneyoutta here before they do!
Can you help us?
- Can I help?
What do you think I do?
Stand here all day and hopethat my Depends hold out?
Follow me.
You say old Beverly's been stealing money
and stashing it away, hey?
- [All] Mmm hmm.
- [Hugo] There she is alright.
- I knew it.
- Except for one problem.
- [Jamal] What's that?
- There ain't no money in there.
- What?
There has to be.
- There was some money.
A lot of money.
But it seems like old Beverly
took out every penny yesterday.
- What?
You mean to tell me shedone robbed a church,
now she gonna rob old Mr. Pickens too?
- That coot is gonna goballistic when he hears this
and I can't wait to tell him!
- Sorry, Lord, I'm not really a bad man.
My mother never loved me.
My father wore a tutu and founded
The Pickens' PirouetteInstitute Exotic Dance.
It's not my fault!
- Hey Rusty.
- What, what?
- We just got back from the bank
and Beverly swindled you and ran off
with all your money.
- Aww.
- Get my phone!
- What's the magic word?
- Please!
Punch one.
Put it in my ear.
- [Sam] Right.
- Officer Marrow, Beverly just ran off
with all the money.
Find her!
Now hang it up.
- What's the magic word?
- Please!
Now we gotta get you guys in court
and we gotta get Beverly behind bars
for a long, long, time.
- Court.
- Court.
Guys, we got a date with the judge.
- Wait a sec, what arewe gonna do with him?
(instrumental rock music)
- Oh Lord, please.
Nobody told me the circus was in town.
Order!
Order in the court!
What is happening here?
Excuse me.
Does somebody have anexplanation for this?
(all shouting)
Order!
I said order.
Now, how were you threeinvolved in all of this?
- Yes, well, Your Honor,my compatriots and I
are victims of inexplicable circumstances.
With all good intentions, we were drawn
into a web of preposterous irregularities.
- Uh huh.
- [Officer] I got her everybody!
- Oh please.
- I got her and I got your money!
- What kind of a world?
There are days I think thatI'm just losing control.
- She stole the money!
- Bad Beverly!
- She's the one that's got the money.
(all shouting)
- Settle, please, settle!
- [Hugo] I got something I wanna say.
- The Court recognizes Hugo.
How you doing, dad?
Go ahead.
- That's your dad?
- Hey, it's a small town.
Now these three, I would call them dumb
except that would be an insult
to the rest of all you dumb people here.
But they did ask me to help them.
Now we foiled the plot of evil Beverly.
Sam, Jamal, and Frankie,
thank you for believing in me.
I love you guys.
- Boys, you done good.
Case dismissed.
(gavel pounds)
- Oh Sam!
- As for Miss Beverly,would you lock her up, dad,
until the hearing tomorrow at 10 o'clock?
- Okay, son.
- And now we get to Mr. Rusty Pickens.
Mr. Pickens, you have stolen, lied,
deceived, have you gotanything to say for yourself?
(Rusty murmurs)
Ah, beg your pardon?
- Oh.
- Your Honor, lastnight in my darkest hour
I was saved!
I came to my senses andrealized my evil ways
and repented of while Iwas tied to this chair
as I am now,
I saw
the light!
- A bright, shiny light?
- Yeah, yeah, that's it.
A bright, shiny light.
- Let me guess.
It knocked you to the ground?
- Yeah, yeah.
It knocked me to the ground.
- Lord, Lord, come help us now
because it's starting all over again.
(upbeat rock music)
(knocks on door)
- I really don't think you should be here.
- I know.
I just need one minute.
Okay, how about 30 seconds?
- It's okay.
- Johnny looks good.
How's he doing?
- Much better, no thanks to you.
- Yeah, Tiffany, look, Iowe you a big apology, okay?
A really big one.
I lied to you and I hurt you
but I didn't do it on purpose.
Well, okay, obviously Ilied to you on purpose.
But the hurting you part,that I didn't see coming.
I've done a lot of dumb things in my day
and I never cared who Istepped on in the process.
But I also never met anybody like you.
- Am I supposed to be flattered by that?
I can see right through you, Sam,
and all this is just a big game to you.
Apparently, I'm the prize.
So, guess what?
You lose.
Why don't you just getyour friends and leave.
- Yeah I would.
But I don't think I can.
- Why?
- I think I'm supposed to stay here
and believe it or not,
I even think I'm supposed tobe the pastor of this church.
- Yeah, that would be an odd career choice
for somebody who doesn'teven believe in God.
- Actually now I do.
- Oh just like that.
- Yeah, I know, kinda crazy right?
But the big guy's pretty convincing.
- Well, I'm happy for you, Sam.
But what makes you think that this church
is gonna want you?
You didn't just lie to me.
You lied to a whole town.
- I guess I got a lot ofpeople to apologize to.
Do you have a phone book?
- Sam, my family needs meand I'm not gonna do this.
- Tiffany, I don't expect you to do this.
I don't expect you to let me back in.
I just hope you won'tcompletely shut me out.
- I'm gonna get a cup of coffee.
- I'm gonna come with you, dad.
Your 30 seconds is over, Sam.
- See ya in church?
(slow instrumental music)
Here goes nothing.
(slow rock music)
Good morning.
As you probably heard,
or at least figured out,
we're not who we said we were.
We didn't really come hereto work for your church.
We were working to stay out of jail
and make some easy cash.
Which quite frankly, wewere more than happy to do
because we figured all of you
would end up being a bunch of judgmental,
hypocritical, self-centeredreligious kooks.
You know what?
You kind of are.
But we're not any better.
What we did was really low.
We should probably be packingup and driving out of here.
Frankie, Jamal,
you're the only family I've ever had.
(slow instrumental music)
Until now.
This town and this church,
is starting to feel like home.
We wanna stay.
Whether or not you'll let us,
well I guess that's just up to you.
- Well now you all know I'vebeen coming to this church
since I was a baby.
And I can spot a phony.
And I've seen them comeand I've seen them go.
But these three are thebiggest phonies I've ever seen.
Oh, I knew they weren't preachers
but I also knew that Godcould take a old pair of shoes
and with a little polish and spit shine
have those things lookinglike they was new!
I know they helped steal our money.
They did that.
But they got it back.
I think we oughta keep these old shoes.
They just might turnout to be the best thing
to happen in this church.
(all applauding)
(fast gospel music)
- Church!
Without faith
It's impossible to please him
Without faith
So impossible to reach him
Without faith
You'll never know how much you need him
Everyone who comes toGod must believe his is
Without faith
It's impossible to please him
Without faith
So impossible to reach him
Without faith
You'll never know how much you need him
Everyone who comes toGod must believe he is
And he rewards
Faith
(all applauding)
- You know, I think you and I
can make some great music together.
- You can't sing!
(laughs) That's okay baby,I do like your style.
Hallelujah, praise the Lord.
- So what do you think?
Maybe one of these days you'll let me
take you for a ride inmy classy convertible?
Show the new and improvedme the hotspots around town?
- Maybe.
- Good enough.
- Hey what did you expect?
You knew it was gonna have a happy ending.
You moron.
(energetic gospel music)
(energetic rock music)
- There were a plethora ofunfortunate circumstances
that betwicked us - that betwicked us?
We got twicked and we're tworry.
(instrumental rock music)
- Sam, don't we go in?
- I think so but Jamal stopped!
- I don't know what happened.
- To have three men of Godhere such as yourselves.
I'm Sister Elizabeth.
- [Sam] You are?
We're in the wrong room.
(all laughing)
I'm on the wrong set.
- I don't know who that is.
- Him preach?
Him?
This white guy?
Him preach?
(laughing)
If he makes it through thesermon it'd be a miracle.
- Amen.
If you can make it throughthat line, it'd be a miracle.
- Him preach?
(singing)
- Hello?
Sorry God, I'm in the middle of a thing
can I get back to you?
Eager to eat the birds of the air
and the beasts of the field.
Which leads me to ask what'swrong with horse meat?
They live in the field.
Because they're prettier than cattle?
I suppose that's why onlyaliens take our fat women.
For probing.
But what I can say with some sincerity
I apologize for them, Lord.
They know not what they do.
- Oh, you about to find out!
What?
What?
(instrumental rock music)
- [Sam] Yeah, we should wait.
Cut.
I don't hear it now.
Good, we're good?
- [Director] Quiet please.
- [Sam] Oh, sorry.
- Sam!
We've been through this 100 times!
Sam, we've been through this 100 times!
How we gonna do that, man?
We know that the money is probably still
locked up in the bank.
Sam!
We've been through this 100 times!
We know!
Sam, we've been through this 100 times!
We know that the church's money
is probably still locked up in the bank.
Sam, we've been through this 100 times!
We know that the church's money
is probably still locked up in the bank.
Sam!
We've been through this 100 times!
(laughs)
- Yes we have!
We have been through this 100 times.
Frankie, Jamal, let's get asmall apartment in the city
and start our own family.
Are we good?
- [Director] Cut.
- I like you (coughs).
Sorry I had a cigaretteon my way over here.
Nerves.
(Tiffany laughing)
(Jamal screaming)
- Excuse me.
- [Sam] Don't leave me!
(both laughing)
(instrumental rock music)
- [Sam] Cut.