3 from Hell (2019) Movie Script

This morning, the search for the fugitives
known as the Devil's Rejects
resulted in a violent clash
with the police.
The three suspects connected to
the House of 1,000 Corpses murders,
were stopped dead in their tracks today.
All three suspects
remain in intensive care
at Mercy of Christ Memorial.
Doctors say chances for survival
are less than a million-to-one.
May 23rd, 1978.
This is the day three of the most
infamous outlaws
in the history of American crime,
seemingly met their final fate.
Twenty bullet wounds a piece.
No one would have thought it possible
that a single body
could survive such
a devastating onslaught of destruction,
but they did.
Over the next year,
the critically injured outlaws of mayhem
found their way back
to the land of the living.
The ensuing trial
would be the longest murder trial
in American history.
Perhaps because of
the massive press coverage
the Rejects received,
they became martyrs to the youth.
They're cool, man.
I think it's all a big conspiracy.
They know that
Captain Spaulding is the man
and they know that he knows
what this country needs, you dig?
Spaulding says, "Fuck you and your system.
I'm in control."
I don't believe she did it.
It is obvious to me that she is
not capable of those things.
No way.
Peace and love.
Baby. Oh, man!
Heard she's got it going on, you know?
I mean, I like the way that she moves.
It's like she's floating on a cloud
or something. She's amazing.
Am I gonna be on the TV? Hi!
I mean, I think Otis is sexy.
I mean, he's a bad man
and he's done some bad things,
but, like, I'd date him.
You wanted the goddamn Boogeyman
in your silly little lives.
Well, you've got him.
There's no fucking justice in this world.
I am justice!
They're trying to blame us,
but we didn't do it.
Free the three!
Free the three!
Free the three!
Free the three! Free the three!
Bain County Correctional.
For the last 10 years,
Warden Virgil Dallas Harper
had been responsible
for housing the two most famous killers
since Burke and Hare.
For the past decade,
you have kept Spaulding and Otis
isolated from each other.
Now, do you see the duo as a threat?
I don't find them a threat.
No threat at all.
Especially Spaulding.
He's a geriatric corpse
with one boot in the grave
and the other dancing around the edge.
I don't see him as a menace
to anyone except himself.
Today, guys. Anytime.
Which one of your geniuses
is doing the interviewing?
Yeah, I am.
Thank you for taking the time to do this.
- You ready?
- I ain't getting any younger.
You dressed as a clown,
but behind that colorful facade of joy
lurks something much darker.
Who is the real Captain Spaulding?
Goddamn, boy. Could you get more dramatic?
Well, what I ain't is the fantasy created
by the injustice system
and all them apes.
That's all on them.
- So you're saying...
- I'm saying
I'm just a clown
dancing for the fucking man.
A dancing clown that's been
convicted of 38 murders.
I ought to slap the shit out of you.
Let me put it to you this way.
What's the difference
between a dead squirrel laying in the road
and a dead clown laying in the road?
Yeah, I don't understand the question.
Do I stutter?
I don't know.
There are skid marks
in front of the squirrel.
You roll that around in your coconut
for a while, big shot.
So, you think you were railroaded by
the system because you're a clown?
I am what they make me.
I'm your bozo Jesus hung out to dry
for the sins of mankind!
Oh, fuck.
All hail the man behind the grease paint.
Early this morning, Captain Spaulding,
the killer clown,
was executed by lethal injection.
It was carried out quietly.
He did not resist. There was no violence.
His last words were just, "Give my
love to my family and to my friends."
Those who saw him die have no remorse.
You see all these maniacs,
that they're running around
thinking that this nutjob, this killer,
is some kind of great person?
Well, he's not.
You know what he is? He's the Devil!
Spaulding was pronounced dead at 5:54 a.m.
You know what they say,
all the world loves a clown.
Boy, you're marked.
Christ, you're already dead.
You just don't know it.
The truth is the truth.
The truth is a fucking knife.
Cuts deep and it cuts both ways.
Which end of the buck knife
are you holding?
The handle or the blade?
You don't even know.
So, what do you want?
Shall I break down in tears
and confess my sins
to the holy fucking pussy of the virgin?
I'm not a bad man.
I'm just another lost soul,
searching for forgiveness
in this wicked, wicked world.
Is Otis the most
dangerous man alive?
He's nothing.
He's like the rest of the lifers
rotting in the cages here.
Bunch of nothings.
I think I know what you're looking for.
We're just looking
for the truth.
You wouldn't know the truth
if I crammed it down your fucking throat.
Hello, America.
Did you miss me?
I am Satan's destroyer.
I am the eternal flame of salvation,
burning through your life,
your liberty and your pursuit
of fucking happiness.
I suggest you get ready to burn,
The footage you are about to see
was shot on the morning
of October 2nd, 1988.
The filmmakers who've documented this
did not survive the experience.
I remember you.
I don't remember you.
You will, motherfucker.
Work detail, toes on the line.
Move up. Let's go!
Start digging.
'The following piece of film
is the only clue that police have
concerning the escape of Otis Driftwood.
Viewer discretion is advised.
Who are you?
Payback's a bitch, motherfucker.
Public enemy number one, motherfucker.
Number one!
This man is
Winslow Foxworth Coltrane,
a.k.a. The Midnight Wolfman,
and the half-brother
of Otis Driftwood and Baby Firefly.
The Driftwood escape left a horrifying
crime scene of death in its wake.
As of the airing of this program,
Otis Driftwood is still at large.
Incredible savings
up to half off and more
on living rooms,
bedrooms and dining rooms.
Layaway free for up to a year.
I look like a fucking stooge!
Bam! He escapes on camera
with a massacre to rub in my face.
Christ, Virgil, it wasn't your fault.
I know that.
Of course, it ain't.
I know that and you know that,
but the illiterate public doesn't.
You think Ma and Pa Kettle reading about
those dead fucking prison guards
is gonna pin the blame on them?
No. They're fucking heroes!
Is it just me, or are these
the greatest fucking beans on Earth?
It's just you.
Takes a while to get that prison slop
out of your taste buds.
You got that right.
So, how do you figure
we go about doing this?
I've been stewing about it 24/7
for about an eight ball.
I got some thoughts.
Whitey, man.
We've been creeping around
this fucking place for a month.
- It's suicide.
- Patience, brother, patience.
You know, I've been running that movie,
The Desperate Hours,
through my head over and over again.
- Remember that shit?
- Not really.
It's a fucking Bogart movie.
I always liked Cagney better.
He's a tough fucking little shit.
"Come on and take it,
you dirty, yellow-bellied rat,
or I'm gonna give it to you
through the door!"
So, lay it on me.
I can only assume in this scenario
I'm Bogart.
"Listen, sweetheart, here's the plan."
You know,
enough of these lousy impressions.
Lousy impressions?
How can you be fucking Bogart
when you don't even know the fucking plan?
I'm a lot more fucking Bogart
than you are.
Well, fuck you.
You are as delusional as fucking ever.
Fine! Fuck. Whatever, man.
Fuck, you can be Bogart.
Just what are we going to do?
I say we make a house call.
Tomorrow marks the first time
that one of the members
of the notorious Devil's Rejects cult
has been eligible for parole.
Vera Ellen Firefly, a.k.a. Baby,
has spent the last 10 years incarcerated
right here behind me at Tucker Farms.
This is a maximum security
correctional institution.
23-20, you have a visit.
So, we're just going to,
you know, just jump right to something
that gave us grave concern.
Since your time of incarceration,
you've had
157 violations.
158. 158.
Okay. Yeah, 158,
the most recent being,
you know, you were found in possession of
an inmate manufactured weapon.
One second.
Do you understand that these statistics
do not reflect positively
on these proceedings?
Look, suit, I got to do what I got to do.
It's my rules or the Grim Reaper
comes a rolling through
in a big black Cadillac.
Hey, bitch. Hop in!
You dig?
Yes, I, um... I believe I do.
Uh, take a look at these.
Ah, a little closer, please.
Oh! Yeah.
Do you have anything to say
regarding these photographs?
Yeah. You can't bring the past back up
and prostitute that mock-up
as a picture of something that
happened a hundred years ago!
You think this happened
a hundred years ago?
We can only live in the now.
Now is the now.
Do, um, you believe you're,
uh, suitable for parole?
I mean, look at me.
Really fucking look at me.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Do you think that you are, um,
ready to walk out that door,
walk onto the street
and live a productive life?
If down the line, the opportunity,
for parole presented itself,
and you were given a parole date,
what would your plans be?
I'd be Snow White in the forest,
playing with all the animals.
I'd play with the bunnies,
whistle while I work.
I'm a star, motherfucker
Stars always shine
Prisoner is denied parole for five years,
at which time the case will be reviewed.
That's cool.
Fucking bitch!
Good morning.
Every day our search widens.
We're desperately looking
for these individuals
who, I believe,
to still be in the general area.
What is your biggest worry?
My biggest worry is that they
might kill somebody.
I know we've got some locals
who want to play hero here.
But do not try to apprehend
these suspects.
They are armed and extremely dangerous.
Wake up, asshole.
Get those clams up where I can see them.
Get up. Come on!
Easy, baby, huh?
Easy, man.
Oh, man.
It's all fucking cool.
Tony, that's him, all right.
That's the brother.
That's the one they call
The Midnight Wolfman.
You folks are mistaking me
for someone else.
Oh, I know a convict
spewing convict bullshit when I see one.
I bet you're worth something dead.
Oh, no. He's worth more alive.
You need to just sit
and think for a second.
There ain't nothing to think about.
I was thinking you could think about
a nice big pair of juicy titties.
- What?
- Like your sister wife's titties.
They're a good fucking pair.
What are you getting at?
So, imagine her titties sitting there
and a group of men sitting around,
jacking off over them,
jizz going everywhere. Maybe one of them
- sits down and shits on her.
- Tony, do something.
Now I ain't into shitting on people,
but maybe he's into shitting on her
and he shits all over her.
Another couple of guys are pissing on her,
'cause that's the kind of thing
people are into.
No. Shoot him. Shoot him now!
It's what people normally do
when they got a pair of titties like that.
Okay, lady,
put the gun down nice and slow.
Shit, man.
I mention a pair of titties
and every fucking asshole
forgets what he's doing, huh?
Are you fucking crying?
I ain't crying. I got a piece of
fucking skull in my eye. That shit hurts.
Man, you sure can bitch
a song about nothing.
See? Fucking skull.
Please. I beg you. Please.
Just let me go.
Let me go and I won't...
I didn't see anything.
I didn't see... Help me!
That's a nice knife.
Is it sharp?
- Why?
- Trust me.
You really don't wanna know.
Come on, cutie!
Oh, yeah, fresh meat.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Oh, come on, kitty, kitty.
Come on, fresh meat.
Look what we have here.
Little Miss Hot Shit.
Hey, Poker.
How long have we been waiting
to get our hands on this creep?
A long fucking time, sister.
A long fucking time!
Yeah, Little Miss Hot Shit
ain't never gonna walk straight
once we get ahold of her
and squeeze all the cream out of her.
It's cripple time.
It's cripple time!
Come on!
Yeah, that should be enough time.
Ding dong, the bitch is dead.
I take it you took care of the situation.
Yeah, I took care
of the situation all right.
You are something fucking else, bitch!
23-20, you have a visit.
23-20, you have a visit.
Sorry about the broken nose.
Oh, you will be, bitch.
Trust me, you will be.
Please excuse us.
- I need to finish this.
- Finish when I'm finished.
I can't leave an open wound.
I bet you can.
Yes, sir.
So, now what, huh?
You gonna try and get it on
with me or something?
Oh, you'll find out.
Come on. I know how you
dyke guards are always dreaming about me.
Yeah, I've been dreaming
about this for a long time.
I thought we were going to be friends.
You just turned out to be
too much of an asshole.
Have fun, bitch.
Let's cut the usual psycho
bullshit you're about to spew
and get down to it.
That must hurt.
You know...
and I know...
how miserable I can make your life.
So why don't you just tell me
what I want to know...
and we can call it a day.
Who let you out of solitary?
Who let me out of solitary?
What makes you think I just
didn't walk out on my own?
Who are you protecting?
One day,
I was out having a stroll...
and I saw a little kitty stuck in a hole.
She was struggling to get out.
So I reached in to get her,
but she scratched me.
Is there a point to the story?
Along comes the big old warden.
He stops and he watches me...
and then he screams,
"Stop trying to help that stupid cat.
She's gonna get herself out of
there one way or another."
But I didn't listen
to that dumb old warden.
I kept helping until I got that kitty out.
Are you done?
So what was the point to this story?
After hearing
from the ambassadors directly involved...
Judy says he barks as soon
as I come down the street.
I don't know whether
he likes me or hates me.
You talked to the owner about it?
I don't even know
what language she speaks.
Where is everybody?
What the hell is going on?
Help me.
What the hell is this?
Some kind of a sick joke?
This has been a long day. It ain't funny.
I don't know.
Pretty goddamn funny to me.
Guess who's coming down, bitches?
The dynamic-fucking-duo, Batman and Robin.
Chief, we need to jaw,
so I suggest you two sit your asses down.
Hi, sweetie. What's your name?
Look, you don't have to do this.
Or what?
You gonna throw me in the hole
and make me sleep in my own piss and shit?
you could just walk out that door.
Keep walking and never look back.
Oh, brother, what a sweet little man.
We should let the lovebirds go.
- Hey! Open your mouth.
- No!
- Open your mouth!
- No!
Open your mouth. Open your fucking mouth.
- Look, look...
- Practice sucking on that for a while.
I'll get around to the real deal later.
And remember, I feel any teeth,
it's gonna be a bad day at Black Rock.
Look! Look! Get...
Just stop.
You can't fix this.
You know,
she's not a bad little cocksucker.
She could be better, but don't worry,
I'll teach her.
Let's go.
She's got nothing to do with us.
Shut the fuck up!
My finger slipped.
Jesus Christ! He fucking shot me.
"Jesus Christ,
he fucking shot me."
- What is happening?
- Let me go over and help him, please.
Sit down.
Sit down.
I heard you kept your mouth shut.
That's good.
I trained you well.
Remember, snitches get stitches.
Oh, but I see
you already got your stitches.
"Snitches get stitches."
That's cute.
You think I don't know what you do?
Every night you fold me up
and put me into your pocket.
You take me home.
I watch you...
sitting all alone,
getting all wet just thinking of me.
I live inside your head.
I live inside your head.
I do, I live in your head.
You can't trick me, you bitch.
I shot out of my mama hustling.
You can't hustle the hustler.
What exactly do you expect
to gain by doing this?
I don't expect anything.
I demand that you spring
my sister from the clink
and deliver her to me ASAP.
What? That's impossible. I can't walk out
the front door with a prisoner.
What you're asking my husband
is completely insane.
I'm completely insane!
He ain't asking, he's telling.
Big difference, bitch.
Don't call me "bitch."
I can call you whatever I want...
and you're gonna love it,
I ain't afraid of you.
There must be something else I can do.
Just give them whatever they want.
You can't reason with these maniacs.
He's bleeding to death.
Oh, Jesus Christ. It's a flesh wound.
Show him the safe.
For God's sake, you cheap asshole,
give him some money!
Whoa! Stop the fucking press.
Asshole has a safe? What safe?
No, no. Just... That's not it.
Just put that back up on the shelf.
There's nothing in there for you.
It's my mother's ashes.
Just put it back.
No! Do not stick your nasty,
filthy fucking hands...
Oh, my God, you fucking asshole!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Fly away, Mama.
Fly away, Mama.
Fly! Fly! Run away, Mama.
What am I gonna buy?
Look at me.
Look at me!
I got everything I need.
I ain't no fucking slave to the system.
Who the fuck is that?
No one.
We're not expecting anyone, I swear.
Watch these assholes. I'll handle this.
A fucking clown?
Well, hello.
You must be the lady of the household.
Oh, I almost forgot.
This is for you.
A balloon sculpture?
They call me the Picasso of inflatables.
Well, I can see that.
So, where's the party?
Oh, fuck.
After you, Bozo.
Attention, everybody.
The evening's entertainment has arrived.
What the fuck are we gonna do
with that kiddy tickler?
Well, if he makes us laugh,
we'll let him go.
What if I don't?
Well, grease paint,
that most likely won't be so funny.
It looks like we're gonna have
a laugh party here.
And if you have a laugh party,
you got to have funny music.
There you go.
Let's see what I have in here.
Oh, oh, oh!
Oh, well, that's not fun.
Okay. Oh, card tricks. Card tricks.
Who loves good card tricks, huh?
I sure love good card tricks.
Let's see now.
Well, that seems to be malfunctioning.
Uh... Oh!
Here. Dry those tears.
I'm funnier than you think.
You know, I got these pants
from a fella who was on a diet.
It was a seafood diet.
He saw food and he ate it!
My mom told me that joke.
Ow! Ooh!
Baggy Pants hurt his head.
We throw a party!
Bravo, Bozo, bravo.
The little fucker pissed himself.
Ah, fuck, he made me laugh.
- So I'm free to go?
- Yeah.
Straight to clown heaven.
I hate clowns.
Hi. I'm here.
Come back.
This fucking guy really loves himself.
Except he's got a face
you just want to punch.
Okay, Mr. Mustache.
Here's the plan.
Tomorrow, we wake up,
put on some of that nice cologne
that your wife loves so much,
maybe one of these,
uh, faggy flowered shirts...
those strange glasses,
and drive to work, go into the office,
pick up the phone,
and spin some bullshit story up
to get Baby brought to your office.
And she changes into some
prison-guard duds,
you sneak her out and you bring her here.
It's simple.
Can't happen, it's impossible.
Don't tell me what's impossible,
I am the impossible!
She's insane.
I take the shackles off,
she's gonna try to kill me.
Well, yeah, that is true.
Okay, I will write you a note,
give it to her first
or else she will make tomorrow
your last day on Earth.
So, we have a deal!
Private island, 23-20.
23-20. You have a visit.
23-20, you have a visit.
You motherfuckers!
It's fucking alpha time.
This is my house!
I need a guard uniform
brought over to my office, ASAP.
- Put me through to 24 Wing.
- 24 Wing.
I need prisoner 133378-1
brought to my office immediately.
I need prior authorization.
Don't tell me the rules.
I make the goddamn rules!
Hold on, now.
Come in.
Good morning, sir.
Here's the uniform you requested.
Yeah, leave it on the couch.
Open four.
That's all, Sergeant.
- Sergeant?
- Yeah.
What? You forgot my name?
You certainly knew my name last week
when you had your fucking hands
down my pants.
Get out! Get out!
You want me to tell your damn wife?
Is that what you want?
- Please leave.
- Don't fucking call me again.
Get out!
Come on in.
Okay, that's fine.
I'll call you when I'm finished.
I think we should stay.
Trust me on this, she ain't like the rest.
- No, I ain't.
- Shut up, bitch.
That's fine. Give me the keys.
- The keys?
- Yes.
Give me the goddamn keys, Greta.
I don't appreciate your tone, sir.
Bad dog.
I'm gonna stay here. Play it safe.
I'll buzz you when it's time
to transport her back.
You should try
the meditation program they offer here.
I love it.
Like that.
I have something I need you to read.
Read this. I assume you can read.
You got yourself
good and fucked this time.
Do we have a deal?
Well, do we?
Yeah, yeah. Cool, man.
I got it.
No funny stuff. I'll be good.
Cool, cool. I'll keep it cool.
No funny stuff.
Cool beans.
Almost. There it goes.
Christ! Calm down, man.
Put this on.
Does it come in any other colors?
Jesus! This is serious.
Man, you are really high-strung.
Got to do something about that.
Okay, don't peek. Don't peek.
I want it to be a surprise.
No looking. Don't you dare.
Everything okay in there?
We're fine.
Where the fuck is she?
What a difference a day makes, huh?
Don't fuck with a scorpion, bitch.
Hey, man, she had it coming.
She had it coming.
She had it coming.
We're musicians.
We were tearing up some hot swing music
in the York Esther.
Gail over there was swinging the fans.
Her sweetie, Kirk Robin,
was inhaling a bottle of hooch at a table.
You're in a court.
Class is full. Sit down.
I'm a victim of circumstance.
Wait a minute.
Hold still. I'll get it.
Oh, my nose.
I got her.
Oh, you want to do knives. Okay.
Hey, Granny.
Come on. Yeah, this is fun.
There you go. There you go, bitch!
Time to go back to Mama.
What a gentleman.
Thank you.
Looks like Virgil
was a good little tin soldier.
Did exactly what he was told.
- Is she with him?
- Fuck, yeah.
Get the fuck in here!
Get down, motherfucker! Get down!
All right, I can fucking get with this!
Baby's back, motherfuckers!
Enough of this sentimental bullshit!
Here, watch him.
- Let's get to it.
- Whoo-hoo.
Oh, Warden.
Turn around, bitch!
Turn the fuck around.
Hey, you're in a court,
not the woods, Tarzan.
Cut it out. Come on.
Do you remember the first words
you ever spoke to me, Virg?
No? The big man doesn't remember?
You said, "This is my death factory
and you are the product."
Well, guess what, motherfucker?
This is my death factory
and you are the product.
And pop, pop
Little party hats and
Pop, pop
Little party hats and
Pop, pop
Oh, I want this.
some old broad next door
saw me gut that bitch.
Um, think we should think about
rolling out of here soon.
- Okay, get the shit.
- Let's go.
- Let's fucking go.
- Okay.
- Shit!
- Let's go. Fucking pigs.
Hold on. I want that.
Fuzz, man. Come on.
God, you think this shit is real?
Who gives a fuck, let's go. Come on!
- Come on.
- What's up with the dead clown?
I'll tell you in the car.
Come on, let's go. We got to go!
Jesus Christ.
And went through the pool
And the cupcakes
Yeah, this place is perfect.
I think we should keep on moving.
Put as many miles between us
and that posse of pigs as possible.
Yeah, that's easy for you to say.
I'm doing all the fucking driving.
I can hardly keep
my fucking eyeballs open.
Well, excuse me
for having night blindness.
Them fucked up retinas is no picnic.
Let me drive.
Let me drive.
- What?
- Shit, man! What am I speaking?
Fucking Chinese? Let me fucking drive.
No fucking way.
- What's the fucking problem?
- Yeah, what's the fucking problem?
The fucking problem is she will get us
pulled over within five minutes
of her sliding her ass behind this wheel.
Fuck you.
I drive just fine.
So, what now?
So, go get us a motel room, motherfucker.
Me? I'm the most
recognizable of the bunch.
I'm the goddamn Midnight Wolfman,
Seriously? No one knows who you are.
I'm public enemy number one.
This mug is world-famous.
You're insane.
For those two-bit crimes?
Give me some bread, I'll do it.
Even though,
I'm the fucking star here.
You two got that?
Man, she has gotten wacky.
You are a grouchy motherfucker.
She's just happy to be out.
You don't know her
like I know her, man.
She's changed.
Another step in my experiment, my dear.
Ramona is now a gorilla.
Ramona? This is Ramona?
Go fish.
Man, I'm bored.
- Fours.
- Fours.
I said I'm fucking bored.
Christ, we just sprang you from the joint.
Ain't that enough excitement
for one fucking day?
First off, I've been sitting around
for 10 fucking years doing fuck all.
Fuck, see, I need some action.
Secondly, nobody asked you.
Last thing we need
is you getting some action.
Oh, man.
- Come on.
- Drop it.
"Drop it."
Here, take it. Now calm the fuck down.
I can't believe
you were holding out on me.
Uh, you got any fours?
Fuck, what, are you cheating?
All right.
What are you laughing at?
I just wiped your ass out.
I'm the one who should be laughing now.
That's good, that's good shit.
- So good, I'm gonna have so much fun.
- Nines.
Yeah, good.
Go fish.
Whoa. Where do you think you're going?
Uh, I'm just going to the soda machine.
Is that okay with you?
This shit, it's gonna make me parched.
Okay, you got ten minutes,
and I'm counting.
- Shit, man.
- One-1,000.
If it's gonna be like this,
just take me back to the fucking cage.
- Go fish.
- Hey.
Hey, sexy.
Are you eyeballing me?
No, I'm just walking.
Okay, just walking.
Tell me the truth.
My buddy and I
are having a Halloween party
with those ladies over there,
and maybe, uh,
wondering if you'd like to join us?
How about this?
Ditch those losers and come with me.
I got what you need.
How much?
Don't worry about money, honey.
This party's free.
Come on.
We'll have so much fun.
I ain't looking
to rain on this reunion parade...
but what exactly is our next move?
Uh, I have no idea.
Truthfully, I never thought
we'd make it this far.
I was thinking maybe
we get into the movies.
Movies? Yeah, that's a new one.
You know, like, XXX movies, right?
That's where the money's at
'cause people love watching
other people fucking.
- That's true.
- So, our first movie, right?
The Salami Man.
This guy goes around
house to house selling salami.
Every time he rings the bell,
ding-dong, opens it up.
Woman says,
"Show me your salami, motherfucker."
That'll be the catch phrase.
Every one of them,
"Show me your salami, motherfucker."
- Bends her ass over, fucks her up the ass.
- Right.
Dog's watching, whole time,
dog's in there...
Right? No fucking the dog,
but we bring the dog in.
Why not?
- I'm not into dog fucking.
- Maybe in the sequel.
Maybe in the sequel.
That's where it's at.
Yeah, man, I like it.
We're gonna call our company
Dirty Filthy Sluts Incorporated.
Yeah, I dig the name.
So, what kind of party do you wanna have?
Like a Christmas party or birthday party?
Oh, you wanted to still have
a Halloween party?
No, the one the girls were gonna have.
A love party.
Let's have a soda party first.
Can you buy me one?
What flavor?
The one that's gonna give me
the most buzz.
Root beer.
- It's probably grape.
- Yum.
It's funny, you, uh,
look like the girl that's on TV.
Oh, really?
Well, it couldn't be.
It's the one that escaped from prison.
No, that's me.
It's me.
- Well, enjoy your soda.
- Thanks.
I should get back to my friends.
I still wanna party.
I don't.
Five innocent people
were butchered last night
by escaped convicts
Otis Driftwood, Baby Firefly
and a third assailant, W.F. Coltrane.
Fuck, I hate that picture.
I'm George Glass reporting.
Fuck, we're on the tube
every fucking five minutes.
We better go find her.
By now she's probably
hitched a ride to fuck knows where.
I have the answer to all of our problems.
I know exactly what we should do.
Yeah, but that's impossible.
Why is that impossible?
Because the problem is you
Fuck you, and dig this idea.
That's not a bad idea.
- No one's looking for us there.
- No, they ain't.
Yeah, but none of us speak Mexican.
Fuck, man, how hard can it be?
Fucking little kids speak it.
I vote south of the border, man.
South of the border.
- Mexico.
- S, s, s.
Is that fucking blood?
Yeah, um, I had a little trouble
at the soda machine.
Oh, fuck. Okay, come on, into the car.
Let's get out of here, come on.
- Mexico.
- Grab something.
Grab the guns, get your shit together,
let's get the fuck out of here.
Goddamn it.
- Ten fucking minutes.
- That's all I need.
if we were looking to hide out
in the armpit of "La Cucaracha"
next to the cunt end of nowhere,
I'd say mission accomplished.
Does look like there's a party
going on down there.
Hey, man,
let me get an eyeball on this situation.
I could use a party.
Looks like this party
crawled up its own ass and died.
Shit, man.
I expected a little more out of Mexico.
Goddamn, this girl needs a shower.
Smell me.
- No, no.
- Party pooper.
- Okay.
- Party pooper.
There's some kind of hotel down there.
I guess we could hole up there
for a couple of days.
Let's do it.
Come on, is that your best shot?
Oh, fuck, man.
You run this joint?
Run this joint? I own this joint.
I am Carlos.
I'm king of Durango.
I am a councilman, alderman,
fireman, policeman,
and sometimes, when necessary,
I am the undertaker.
Who died and made you king of Mexico?
What do you mean by that?
Hey, can we get down to business?
Yeah, we need a room.
Ah, well, you have come
to the right place.
I got the best motherfucking room
in all Durango for you.
Get your lazy ass out here
and help the lady with her bag.
Man, don't...
- Do I pay you to sleep?
- Carlos, I was painting.
Painting, no wonder
our establishment is in the toilet.
Help the lady.
Yeah, don't worry about him.
I know he looks like a monster
but he's gentle as a baby rattlesnake.
Yeah, well, there's one thing
I ain't afraid of, it's monsters.
- The bow and arrow?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- All right now, follow me.
Presidential suite awaits.
And, well, here it is, Durango's finest.
Everything you'll need is right here.
There is your entertainment center,
there is your library
and your very own commode.
- Commode?
- That's right. Your very own.
I take it pissing in the streets is the
only excitement you have around here.
Ramon, what the hell
are you doing down there?
Take it to the alley.
Anyway, I'll let you guys settle in,
and once you're done settling in,
why don't you come down to the saloon,
Lobo Blanco,
I will hook you motherfuckers up.
And you, I know you like the ladies.
Yeah, depends on the ladies.
Well, if you like them
with the big ol' sloppy jugs
and the big ol' swampy ass,
then I got three for you.
Bella, Princesa and Juanita.
Names aren't that important.
Well, enough of my yakking.
Come on, Sebastian.
What do you think?
Any one of them recognize us?
Those creeps?
Nah, they didn't recognize shit.
Man, Mexico sucks.
Aquarius, I got something
I know you're gonna wanna know all about.
Who is this?
This is Carlos.
I know a lot of motherfuckers
named Carlos.
Well, this is
the motherfucker named Carlos
that hooked you up
with 15 kilos of pure snow.
And you got paid. What do you want?
Well, how about a pot of gold
at the end of the rainbow?
How about you go fuck yourself?
Hey, hey, brother, brother, hold on.
'Cause I got something
that you've been looking high and low for.
I'm listening.
Those fuckers that killed your daddy,
theyjust rolled into town
without a motherfucking care in the world.
And I know exactly where they are,
and I know exactly how to keep them
safe and sound till you get here.
What exactly is it gonna take
to keep them safe?
I need enough dough to get my ass out of
Mexico permanently, so how about...
$10,000 American.
That was easy, how about 20,000?
Don't fuck with me.
Oh, I'm not fucking with you,
so 10,000 it is.
- One more thing.
- Yeah, what's that?
Have three coffins waiting.
You got that, no problem.
Revenge is coming, Papa.
Revenge is coming.
You ever think maybe it's not worth it?
I don't know, anything.
Thinking about Cutter?
The old bastard
had a pretty good run.
Did more living than most fuckers.
Besides, we all get fucked in the end.
I mean, what else is there?
Nothing, I guess.
It's just weird.
Everybody's gone. It's just the two of us.
Yeah, that's the past.
Hey, I'm here and down for anything.
I mean, the two of us?
That's the future.
Come on, man, shit, what am I,
fucking invisible or what?
The three of us.
I mean, we can still do
a lot of destruction
in this fucked up, crazy world.
You think?
Fuck, yeah.
Goddamn right.
Well, okay.
Let's go get fucked up.
And do some fucked up shit?
Sis, what other kind is there?
Friends, how are you?
Come on in, join the party.
I see that the glamour
of my fine establishment
has pulled you right in.
- Hey, where's the drinks?
- Tequila.
First one's on the house,
then you pay for the rest.
Carlos here gotta make a living.
- All right, to Mexico.
- Mexico.
All right.
Princesa, Juanita, ven ac, pronto.
Hola, baby.
Baby, come on in.
I'm happy.
You're not a lady that happens
to like the ladies, are you?
We'll see how the evening goes.
You don't like me, mami?
You're all right, kid,
but I wanna know what's going on outside.
Oh, them? The gentlemen of this town
are having their annual
knife throwing contest.
They like to show off their machismo.
Mmm, I'm gonna get in on that
and show them some of mine.
Well, you go ahead.
Yo, give me the knife.
Come here. You look just fine to me,
my little hot taco.
- Yeah.
- No, I no work with her.
- Well, fuck you.
- You like her?
Yes, she's nice.
Well, problem solved.
You can ride all night with us
until your dick falls off.
Well, that's what I'm afraid of.
I'll take that, motherfucker.
And you're gonna pay for that, too,
This gringa bitch thinks it's funny.
How about we cut you?
Not much laughing then, huh?
Now, hold on, gentlemen.
Hold on, just calm down.
Little lady wants to play.
What are we working with?
This much.
Gentlemen, put up or shut up.
Okay, I can work with that.
Me too.
I'll hold these for safekeeping.
Keep the game on the up and up,
no hanky-panky double-dealing here.
I run a clean game.
I go first, I am best.
That way Goldilocks can see that
Diego is master of the blade.
Well, now...
I should call that
seven-and-a-quarter inches.
That's pretty good if you're measuring
your ding-a-ling.
There's too much noise. Too much noise.
Step aside.
Let me show you how to kill the demon.
Watch and learn.
Whoo-y, now.
That one cold went two inches.
That's gonna be a tough one to beat.
I think you have wasted your money.
Maybe you'll pay me another way, huh?
Show me your real Goldilocks.
Hold there, come on,
don't be counting your peckers
before they hatch there.
Little lady's gotta give it a go.
Such a big knife.
What? You think I can't handle this?
I've got something for you to handle.
You better be careful,
I might miss and cut it off.
Enough talk. Throw.
Don't forget the tequila.
Rules are the rules.
Look, she's afraid to drink.
It's called a dramatic pause.
Helps to create a little suspense.
You never know what might happen.
Will I miss?
Or will I...
How about a missionary?
Pay up, suckers!
Here you go, here you go, here you go.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Hey, all righty.
That's it.
Oh, yeah.
Bella, Bella, Bella.
Where have you been all my life?
Right here, papi.
Waiting for you to take me away from here.
Well, ass cakes, the wait is over.
I'm gonna whip you away
from this little shithole...
and put you into the movies.
- Yeah.
- You're gonna take me to Hollywood?
Something like that, yeah.
Hold on.
Hi, I bring breakfast. May I come in?
Right on. Yeah, I'm starving.
- Come on in.
- All right.
These are arroz con frijoles.
What's that?
Rice and beans.
Drop on table, man.
No, hey, man, have a seat.
- I'm sick of eating alone.
- Okay.
Besides, I don't know
where my fucking brothers are at.
They were just with
the town bicycle chicas.
The bicycle girls,
everyone in town has had a ride.
Nah, I joke.
That's funny.
That's good.
There's gonna be some weird looking babies
popping out in nine months then.
Yeah, maybe with two heads.
- That's scary.
- You're so funny.
Thank you. Gracias.
You know...
you kind of remind me of my brother Tiny.
- Tiny.
- I mean, he was really huge
and you're pretty small,
but you guys have the same vibe.
No, no, no, I'm horrible.
He was horrible too.
I thought he was beautiful
in this weird kind of way though.
My daddy always said,
"Anything one of a kind
is pretty special."
Well, your papa is a very wise man.
And he... I bet he was very, very handsome
to have such
a beautiful, beautiful daughter.
Yeah, I guess so.
Seor Otis.
Yeah. No speak the Spanish.
Fucking loco.
Yeah, I love you too.
Is this what you eat for breakfast here?
Breakfast, lunch and dinner.
- I can dig.
- That's good.
Okay, this is enough for me.
I'm starting to feel funny.
- That just means it's working.
- Okay.
That's it. Leave it on that one.
I love this movie.
What is this? I don't like it.
That's Lon Chaney as Quasimodo, baby.
It don't get any better than that.
Although Charles Laughton
was pretty fucking great too.
But he's so ugly.
"I never realized till now...
how ugly I am...
and that's because you're so beautiful."
You're so, so crazy.
- Loco.
- Loco.
Oh, my God, she does look like you.
He's eating her pussy.
Look at that. He's loving it.
It's a cactus!
I find some more tequila.
I wanna get the taste of you two
out of my fucking mouth.
- i Ay!
- Fuck you. We taste good.
Hey, check it out.
That's weird.
It's so trippy, man. What's going on?
Mucho, mucho trouble.
Why? Who are they?
They call themselves the Black Satans.
They're killers.
If they're here, it's a very,
very bad day for someone.
Fuck them. Why's that fucker
pointing up here at me?
I... I think they're here to kill you.
Fuck, man. I gotta warn Otis.
No, no, no. You hide. I tell him.
- I don't fucking hide.
- Please! Just hide.
I love this bit.
I'll get it.
What the fuck?
What are you talking about?
He says Satan is coming to kill you.
How can Satan kill me? I am fucking Satan!
You have to hide, papi.
No, no. I get it. I get it. I get it. Shh!
You dumb bitch, you got me
in the fucking neck! Kill you.
Who the fuck do you think you are,
kicking in my fucking door?
Hey, asshole, I'm talking to you.
Yeah, you.
You want some of this?
I'm sorry, you're too late.
I have a boyfriend now.
Yeah? Where is he?
Mira, cabrona,
you tired-ass, filthy fucking puta.
You better think about it a little harder.
Wait a second, I know that voice.
Francisco Mendoza Chavez.
You got me.
You don't scare me.
Get the fuck out of here.
How many bullets do you have left?
- Uno.
- Fuck.
Make it count.
Make it the magic bullet.
Hey, you have three seconds,
then we kill you.
Three, motherfucker!
What took you so long, motherfucker?
Cavalry comes when it comes, big brother.
What the fuck!
Next time, make sure
they're all the way dead.
Where the fuck's the lollipop kid going?
Back to Oz.
Look at this skull fucker.
Still clinging
to his worthless little life.
Time's up.
Fuck you!
Now we can have a real Day of the Dead.
Should be down this way.
Just don't shoot me in the ass, man.
This time, get out of my fucking way then.
Okay, motherfucker.
Hola, muchacho. I suggest
you drop that boom-boom stick
or your mug is gonna be
decorating that wall.
- Fuck me.
- You got that right.
Going somewhere, motherfucker?
Yeah, matter of fact, I was thinking of
going on a little vacation.
- Well, think again.
- No, man, you think again!
You can't beat this.
Once the Black Satans arrive,
man, it's already over.
Man, you're messing with the wrong dudes.
Man, you brought this down
on yourself and everybody else.
Man, I'm just the middle man stuck in
the middle of the middle of the middle!
The rat sure can squeak.
Squeak me a story, rat.
Man, I'm telling you, man,
you should just go and die easy.
You can't beat them.
Now get this through your thick skull.
It's over. It's over, man. You can't win.
Maybe not,
but I got something to tell you, rat.
- What?
- You sure can fucking lose.
Whoa, hold on, man. Just hold on.
I'm just a guy trying to survive
from hustle to hustle, man.
I got nothing against you.
I got nothing against nobody.
- I mean, I'm a nice guy.
- Go on.
How about this? We...
We split the money, 50-50?
60-40? Uh, 70-30?
How about that? We cool?
- Yeah, we're cool.
- Oh, man, I knew you'd see it my way.
Fucking rat.
Turn around and see God.
I've heard a lot about you.
But now that I see you...
I know it's all bullshit.
Because you're nothing.
You motherfuck...
I don't understand.
Looks like our little Indian's warpath
has come to a sudden end.
You're not even worth a bullet.
I think your brother
has left you to rot.
I'm not surprised.
Come on out!
It's time to fill these boxes!
One bullet...
for every second you make me wait.
Look at that.
The last member
of our funeral party has arrived.
You should have stayed in prison.
Being a free man has been
hazardous to your health.
At this point,
life seems hazardous to my health.
Yes, but that problem will soon be solved.
Let her go.
She's got nothing to do with this shit.
- Yes, I do!
- Shut the fuck up, Baby.
Get these ropes off me and I'll kill
every fucker here with my bare hands.
Goddamn it,
I'm trying to save your fucking life!
- It's all me.
- True.
But you, above anyone else,
should understand that family is family.
So she'll pay for your sins,
just as hard as you do.
But since I'm a nice guy...
I'm gonna let you pick who dies first.
I'll take the mongoloid.
You want me?
How about you and me?
No guns.
Just two machetes.
Makes no difference to me.
Drop your weapon.
See if you got what it takes
to keep blondie alive.
What do you think, Foxy?
I think we're fucked, man.
No way! Fucking kill him!
Kill him! Kill him! Kill them all!
What's it gonna be?
You see, without a gun...
he's nothing.
No fucking rules.
Last man alive wins.
Get him!
Is that your blood already? Yeah.
Come on, Otis!
- Kill him!
- Get up!
Kill him!
Good one!
- I bring you a present.
- Thank you.
I come to save you.
Get him!
Fuck, no! Where is she?
I've had enough of your shit,
Nice gun.
I'll take that.
So you got me. Now what?
Now I guess she'll just slit
your fucking throat.
I got a better idea.
What are you waiting for?
Waiting for him to break.
Something in the eyes snaps.
- Was that it?
- No. Keep watching.
He looks pretty goddamn broken to me.
- I'm betting that was it.
- That was it.
Make sure he's covered.
I want him good and crispy.
I know how to cook a fucking corpse.
Any last words?
Fuck you.
Fuck you!
They always say that.
Fuck you!
Adis, motherfucker!
Don't, man.