3 Men and a Baby (1987) Movie Script

"bad boy" by
the miami sound machine
bad boys, bad boys
bad boys, bad boys
boys will be boys
bad boys, bad boys
boys will be boys
bad boys, bad boys
boys will be boys
bad boys, bad boys
boys will be boys
bad boys, bad boys
boys will be boys
bad boys, bad boys
boys will be boys
bad boys, bad boys
bad, bad, bad, bad boys
you make me feel so good
bad, bad, bad, bad boys
you make me feel so good
i knew you would
the way you hold me tight
you get me so excited
you do me oh so right
my heart goes beep-Beep
beep-Beep, beep-Beep
bad, bad, bad, bad boys
you make me feel so good
i want your bad,
bad, bad, bad boys
you make me feel so good
i knew you would
boys will be boys
bad boys, bad boys
boys will be boys
bad boys, bad boys
boys will be boys
bad boys, bad boys
boys will be boys
bad boys, bad boys
and when he drives me home
i feel safe at night
you call me on the phone
it goes ring, ring, ring,
bad, bad, bad, bad boys
you make me feel so good
i want your bad,
bad, bad, bad boys
you make me feel so good
i knew you would
boys will be boys
bad boys, bad boys
boys will be boys
bad boys, bad boys
boys will be boys
bad boys, bad boys
boys will be boys
bad boys, bad boys
boys will be boys
bad boys, bad boys
boys will be boys
bad boys, bad boys
boys will be boys
bad boys, bad boys
boys will be boys
Good evening.
Is it the penthouse?
Yes, ma'am.
Welcome to another
edition of...
"Lifestyles of the
average and anxious "
We move about the apartment
of peter mitchell,
Young architect about town.
It's his late 30's,
Or is it his early 40's...
We'll never know...
Birthday party.
Entranced by the
euphoria and ease...
These glamorous
people exude!
I think i spy the
birthday boy, himself!
How are you,
old chum?
You're looking
so well, so well.
Over here is his
semi-Main squeeze,
Rebecca davidson.
The public wants to know...
What an attractive,
successful woman,
Sees in a bozo,
like my roommate.
Well, he's uh...
charming and he's sweet.
He's very thoughtful.
He's sort of boyishly
handsome, but...
He has got the
most amazing...
thank you, rebecca!
You're welcome, michael.
So peter,
tell me.
Are you and rebecca
still exclusive?
Me and
We both see
other people.
That's nice
to know.
birthday boy.
Hi, adam.
Rebecca's looking
sexier than ever.
You two still
Yeah, for
5 years now.
Tight as ever.
true love
Whatever happened to the "young rascals"?
They old.
Real old.
One of them's a
senator now.
Oh, god, no!
Real old!
Can i talk to
you a minute?
I'm not doing
commercials, anymore.
No more talking t-Bones,
or cowboys with heartburn.
I'm only doing
serious stuff.
Angela... phew!
You look
I'm dressed.
That's it!
i'm in love.
In a generic
So many women...
So little time.
So, jack...
You're not really going
to do this movie in turkey?
Yes, i am.
I leave in a
few short hours.
What is it?
"Zalmon the beautician?"
"Zalmon the
What about the play in
soho you wanted to do?
Excuse me.
You said it was a once in
a lifetime opportunity.
You want my inevitably
brilliant reviews,
Or next
month's rent?
Forget about next month's rent.
Do the play.
sweet of you.
You are a very
decent man.
I'm a
goddamn saint.
"Saint" is
a bit much.
Hey, how's it
going, baby?
Name's johnny.
Give me five.
I mean,
give me three.
I can't believe you
draw "johnny cool."
Coolest cat
in the world, right?
No one
cooler, baby.
I can't believe it.
It makes me so happy.
What's wrong?
David. The guy you
broke up with?
The good looking one.
Incredibly good looking.
He used to read me
"johnny cool" every morning.
Hey, hey.
Poor baby.
Know how to get
over a lover?
Dance with a stranger.
David's an
incredible dancer.
He studied 3 years
with the joffrey ballet.
3 years?
Joffrey ballet?
You guys will
get back together.
Could i call him and
invite him to the party?
Uh, yeah.
There it is!
One of the best
clutch shots of all time.
Nobody played
better than...
Reed, west,
chamberlain, baylor.
I'll run it for you
again in slow motion.
People are
asking for you.
Let's go mingle.
"Mingle" sounds like something
sea lions do before mating.
You are the guest of honor.
They love you.
But these guys need me.
Don't you?
Go on.
Wait, there it is.
The greatest clutch shot
in basketball history.
The best.
Paul, listen.
You are my friend
and a great director,
But i'm not doing
commercials ever again.
I don't want you
to do a commercial.
I need a favor.
All right, shoot.
I'm having a package
delivered tomorrow,
But i'm going to san
francisco on a shoot.
You're going to
shoot in san francisco?
Who are
you using?
Len peters.
Didn't you like my last
dog food commercial?
That was a classic.
Could i have this
package delivered here?
Sure, no problem.
Let me ask
you something.
Do you think i'm
No, not at all.
It'll be delivered tomorrow
and picked up thursday.
Tomorrow; picked
up thursday.
This is a
delicate matter.
Don't mention it.
All right.
happy birthday,
dear peter
happy birthday to you
Oh, uh...
First of all,
I want to thank jack and
michael and rebecca...
For embarrassing me with
this flow of sentiment.
Thanks for coming.
All right.
All right.
i think everybody
had a great time.
i sure did.
Why don't you stick
around a while?
I thought sentiment
made you uncomfortable.
I can handle it,
As long as it's
disguised as sex.
Stay tonight.
I can't.
I have to be up at 7 am
for a pretrial meeting.
Happy birthday,
Yeah, right.
It was a
great party.
You know,
in this light...
You're kind
of ugly.
That rut in the middle
of your forehead...
Is getting
out of hand.
Why does that
happen to you?
As soon as you get
a woman in your room,
You turn into her brother
and solve her problems.
Unlike you, and our sexually
insatiable roommate,
I'm a sensitive guy.
I have more on my mind
than pronging chicks.
What's a good year
for pronging chicks?
The '82 bordeaux
works every time.
Thank you
very much.
Did somebody
die here?
left early.
Michael saved another
doomed relationship.
I'm out of here tomorrow,
for 10 weeks.
What do you say i
get rid of cherise,
We hunker down with a
bottle of wine and shoot pool?
I got a
better idea.
You two hunker
down, and i'll...
No, no, no.
Just go have
a good time.
Enjoy yourself.
Tough job, but
it's gotta be done.
The man is
one giant gland.
he left already,
I think he
took my mousse.
That's our boy.
Thanks, peter.
See you
it's me, jack.
I'm at the airport, but
i forgot to tell you something.
A package is going
to be delivered today.
Some guys will pick it up
thursday before noon.
Just put it aside,
and don't worry about it.
It's a very delicate matter,
so don't tell anybody.
I'll bring you back
something from turkey.
Maybe a drumstick.
See you later.
Hi, harry.
Morning, sir.
Get out here.
What is it?
Just get out here.
What's going on?
I don't know. What?
Oh, okay.
Just look in the hall.
Just look out
in the hall.
That's a baby.
I know
it's a baby.
What's it
doing there?
It's sleeping.
Who do you suppose
it belongs to?
Peter, there's a note.
All right,
i'll just play along.
"Dear jack, here is our baby."
Oh, no.
You really don't know
anything about this?
I knew this would happen
to him sooner or later.
"I can't handle this.
I don't know where to turn."
"Someday i hope you
can both forgive me.
Her name is mary.
Love, sylvia."
Who's sylvia?
You need a secretary to
keep track of all his women.
He left a message
about a package...
Being delivered today.
He said to put it aside
and not worry about it.
He said that
about a baby?
He takes procreation
a little lightly.
What are we
supposed to do?
Pick it up.
You pick it up.
I'm not picking it up!
You found it!
One of us has
to pick it up.
It's not
going to be me.
I don't know
anything about babies.
Neither do i.
We've got to do something.
Be my guest.
It's not my
It's not mine,
Don't yell
at me!
It can't be
that difficult.
Just feed it.
It'll shut up.
I don't know
what babies eat!
Soft stuff.
We were babies once.
What did we eat?
It couldn't have been
very good; i can't remember.
Where are you going?
To get baby food. We can't
feed it cake and goat cheese.
What am i supposed to do?
Entertain it.
"Entertain it!"
How do you
entertain a baby?
Hey, junior.
Look at my hands.
Look at this.
It's a glass; a prism.
Look at those colors.
This is nice;
You don't like that.
How about... oh, look.
It's almost like
japanese origami!
It's a bird!
It's a bird!
No, huh?
I'm getting
a headache.
You're giving
me a headache.
How about this?
A hairy chest!
Like that?
You want one of these?
Excuse me.
Where can i get
a jar of baby food?
3rd aisle
to the right.
They gotta
be kidding.
what's happening, baby?
How you doing today?
My name is johnny.
That's right, but you
can call me mr. Cool.
What's your name?
Haven't i seen you
around the neighborhood?
What's the matter?
Cat got your tongue?
Why can't you talk?
Come on, kid.
I'm doing my best.
Excuse me.
Is this a good meal
for a baby?
That's for toddlers.
What's a toddler?
11/2 to 2 years.
I need something
for a baby.
This is
your first?
First what?
First and last.
No matter how you prepare,
you're never ready.
No, you're not.
What an infant eats...
Can you...
Can determine its
entire future.
That's fascinating,
but all i need is food.
That's all.
What's the best
selling brand?
That white can.
This is the best?
No, it's the cheapest.
That's why it sells.
How about
this one?
That's good,
But it's got
iron in it.
Is that bad?
If your baby's
allergic to it.
How do you know
if she's allergic?
They throw up
all over you.
But they throw up even
if they're not allergic.
Some babies can't
hold anything down.
What about this one?
That's for older babies.
How old is your baby?
About that old.
You don't know how
old your baby is?
Yes i do.
Is she teething?
Does she cry all night,
chew her fist and drool?
All right, i'll
take 3 of these,
And some of these...
Thanks for your time.
You've been a source
of great distress.
If she's less than
3 months old,
You've got to
sterilize the nipples.
Here it comes.
I'll give you $10
if you stop crying.
$10 bucks, huh?
I'm going to
pick you up, now.
There you go, jr.
Is that better?
How about a
little walk?
Wait a minute.
Hey, how about this?
No, we're not going
to keep crying.
No, no, wait.
rock-A-Bye baby
on the tree top
when the bough breaks
something like
Come on!
Where the hell is he?
Milking the cows
or something?
No crying.
Hey wait a minute!
You can drive
a guy to drink.
No, not you.
You're a cute little thing.
How about:
hush little baby
don't you cry
when peter gets home, i'm
gonna punch him in the eye
All right, here we are.
Here we are in my room.
Look around here.
This is nice, huh?
We'll sit down here.
We're going to watch a little tv.
Yeah, just you and me.
Here you go.
Amuse yourself.
Women are wondering,
are they having an orgasm?
men are worried maybe
their penis...
Whoa, whoa.
No, you don't
want to hear that.
We'll have a nice conversation
with uncle peter...
And let him
have some fun.
That's a good idea.
Where the hell
have you been?
Oh, hi,
mrs. Hathaway.
Oh, what a darling
little baby!
Is it yours?
No, it's not mine.
Mr. Mitchell's?
No, someone
loaned it to us.
We're watching
her for a while.
What's its name?
Its name is uh,
uh, sylvia.
No, mary, mary.
We've had a tough morning,
and we're tuckered out.
We have to say good-Bye.
Bye-Bye, mrs. Hathaway.
By the way,
This package just arrived
for you downstairs.
All right,
Could i hold her?
I don't think so.
I love babies.
Oh, yes.
Tch, tch, tch.
I just
love babies.
mr. Hathaway and i...
Were never able
to have any.
Mr. Hathaway has a
low sperm count.
Some guys have
all the luck.
Oh, you are a cute
little bundle, aren't you?
You do realize
she did a doodle?
Yes, you did.
Would you like me
to change her?
No, i can do it.
I'm used to it.
Thanks, we've
got to go now.
We're gonna say
bye-Bye, now.
If you ever need
a baby-Sitter...
All right,
She's a
lovely baby.
This baby hasn't
stopped crying.
She did a doodle.
What the
hell is that?
Don't tell me.
I don't want to know.
You're gonna know,
because she did it.
I had to go 3 places
and get 4 kinds of formula.
2 kinds of diapers,
bottles, towels, nipples...
You have no idea how
much crap kids need.
How old is she?
You want me to check
her driver's license?
You can tell how old she
is by feeling her teeth.
I'm not feeling
her teeth!
I'm tired of
holding her.
I can't hold her
and make her bottle.
I'll hold her.
You check the teeth.
Come on!
I can't feel anything.
that mean?
She doesn't
have any teeth!
Neither did gabby hayes,
and he was 90.
We'll give her the
stuff for newborns...
And hope she's
not allergic.
You've no idea what
they can be allergic to.
What's that stench?
hold her.
Just hold her.
This is a girl.
Should we be doing this?
Just hold her, so i
can get the diaper off.
How could something
so small...
Create something
so disgusting?
Beats the shit
out of me.
Hand me the
other diaper.
Shouldn't we
wash her?
We'll wash
her later.
Get me
the cotton.
Here it is.
Just give me
a little cotton.
I don't need
a package.
Get me the
cotton wipies.
This is
It's all over
and it's sticky.
We're going to need some
kind of cleaning fluid.
How about
Come on, michael,
just get a diaper.
Do these tapes go
in front or back?
How am i
supposed to know?
These are
way too big!
What size did you get?
They're ultra absorbent.
The more absorbent,
the better!
Hold her!
She's going crazy.
I don't want to.
Come on, michael!
You're going to rip it.
I'm not going to rip it.
Yes, you are.
Get me
another diaper.
I'll use the tape.
I'll tape it up.
I'm an architect,
for christ's sake.
I build 50-Story
I assemble cities
of the future.
I can certainly put
together a goddamn diaper.
Take it easy, kid.
There, see?
It's working.
A piece of cake.
Nice job, pete.
The little insect
was just waiting...
For that diaper
to fall off.
I think we're
in trouble.
I'm going to
kill jack.
I'm going
to kill him.
This is the deal.
You're going to have to
wash where the poop was.
Come on.
All righty.
You're not getting
anything off that way.
There you go.
That's clean.
I'll rinse her.
Rinse her
a little bit.
There we go.
This is for
Don't use the
baby lotion now.
It says,
"prevents chapping."
Just wash her.
I'll put some in
just to make sure.
We gotta get
some help.
Jack said this is a
delicate situation,
That we shouldn't
tell anybody.
Can you believe him
putting us through hell...
To save his
precious reputation?
I'm not doing
it, anymore.
You're going to
have a headache.
Mary, let me
have the pen.
I'm later than usual
for the deadline.
Come here.
Actually, i don't seem
to have them after all.
I must have left
them at the office.
I'll get them
in the morning.
Your daddy's
a dead man.
Rebecca you're...
I came as soon
as i could.
Who are you?
This is jan clopatz;
peter mitchell.
How do you do.
Jan is a cellist
from hungary.
He's playing at
carnegie hall.
What a thrill.
What's the
Just come
with me.
This is the
big emergency.
It's a baby.
Why's that the first
thing everybody says?
Of course
it's a baby.
It's your baby?
It's not mine.
It's jack's.
Jack has
a baby?
I realize that
tends to negate...
Our belief in a
benevolent god.
It doesn't look like jack.
He has more hair.
I'm glad you can joke
at a time like this.
She needs
to be held.
Babies like
to be held.
Where is he?
Jack's in turkey,
Which is where i'd be
if my baby was in new york.
We're dying here.
Michael doesn't
know about babies.
I don't know
about babies.
I've got deadlines
hanging all over me.
I've been reading
books about babies.
I can't figure
it out.
It says,
"feed every 2 hours."
It takes me 2 hours
to get her to eat.
Does it mean 2 hours from
when i start or finish?
I've been feeding
her from when i start,
And i'm feeding
her all the time.
Which is it?
Why are you asking me?
You're a woman.
That doesn't mean
i know about babies.
Please stay with me, and
help me take care of her.
You want me to
take care of her?
No, when she
graduates from college.
Yes, now.
I can't do that.
Baby take...
very, very much work.
Thanks for telling me.
Is he an idiot savant?
Rebecca, we be late.
Stay with me.
I have got
a date!
Excuse me for cramping
your romantic style.
Rebecca, we be late!
You can't be
serious about him.
You go out with
other people; so do i.
I don't care if you date
the whole string section.
Right now, i need you.
I can't be here now.
Oh, she doodled!
Yes, doodled!
Don't babies
doodle in hungary?
We're leaving.
Come on, rebecca.
Don't go.
You're a
very big boy.
You're very
You'll get
through this fine.
I hate the cello!
I keep waiting for
"candid camera"...
To walk
through the door.
What'd you cancel
for tonight?
Box seats at shea.
Dinner with
Two more days.
Where'd you put
the baby powder?
I'll get it.
Why'd you put
it there?
We're bathing
her in here.
It's just
down the hall.
We don't bathe
her there.
Maybe we should
start, goddamn it!
You're going to
clean that up.
What time are they
getting here?
Before noon.
I see my editor
about 1 pm.
Did you move
my blueprints?
I need them.
I think she
did a doodle.
Your turn to
change her.
I'll give you $1000
if you'll do it.
Does jack holden
live here?
Someone asked us to
pick up a package.
I love the way everyone
calls it a package.
Tell sylvia she's got a lot of
nerve dumping her problems...
We considered
calling the cops.
Wait, wait, wait.
... totally
disrupted our lives.
We haven't
worked or slept.
There's been shit
all over the place.
The package busted?
You could say that.
Did you put
the shit back?
No, we had it
bronzed for posterity.
Her next bottle
is in 45 minutes.
It's in the basket.
It's a baby.
You're sharp,
aren't you?
20 minutes after eating
she gets tired.
Put her to bed.
I'll get the
powdered milk.
powdered milk.
powdered milk.
We'll take the "powdered milk"
and get out of here.
You want us
to take the baby?
That was the
Are you sure?
You're damn
If you say so.
Let's go.
You won't forget
what we said?
She likes to be
rocked to sleep; gently.
Gently. Absolutely.
I can handle it.
Leave your phone number,
in case you need advice.
I'll call you.
Do you hear that, peter?
Just listen.
Isn't it
Isn't what
Peace and quiet.
Something screwy
is going on.
I've got a
funny feeling.
You've been tense
the last 5 days.
It's just your
nerves unwinding.
Maybe you're right.
What is this?
A package.
When did it
get here?
Mrs. Hathaway...
Go to the window.
Stop them.
I'll catch up
with them.
You're beautiful.
Want to go
for a ride?
Hey, up here!
Where will
i put her?
On your lap.
We need a
baby car seat.
Put her
in the trunk.
You want to ride
in the trunk?
Want to go in
the trunk?
Oh, no.
Oh, my god!
Want to try this?
It's an adventure.
Why do i
listen to you?
It's absurd to put
a baby in the trunk.
I gave you
the wrong package.
I made a
terrible mistake.
I gave you
the wrong package.
Give me the
baby first.
Give me
the baby!
You're disturbing
the baby.
Give me
the baby.
Hey, satch.
This guy's an animal.
I keep him chained
and feed him raw meat.
What's going on?
It's roy
and trigger.
What's going on?
Nothing, officer.
You putting the
kid in the trunk?
No, it's unhealthy
and it's illegal, also.
No, he's not,
Let me see your
license and registration.
You're double-Parked,
wise guy!
All right.
Wait a minute.
Be gentle.
I'll be right
with you.
Come back here!
You, freeze!
I have no
intention of moving.
I'm not a criminal.
I'm an architect
with a baby, see?
Let me see some i.D.
I don't have
any with me.
Up against the
car, spread 'em.
My wallet's in
my apartment.
You can come up
with me.
I'll show you
some i.D.,
But i won't spread 'em
because i have a baby.
Let's go,
Here we are.
Can i get you
a cup of coffee?
No thanks.
I'll just wait here.
I'll just
be a second.
Here we go.
I'm coming.
The package those
guys came for...
Is full of drugs.
Do something with it.
Like what?
Hide it!
I'm coming.
Sorry to keep
you waiting.
Remove that from
the cover, please.
Thank you.
Shh. Shh.
Thanks for coming
up, officer.
If there's anything else
i can do, let me know.
I was just
doing my job.
I'm detective sergeant
melkowitz, narcotics.
Officer, you can
saddle up now.
I'll handle this.
Aren't you going
to ask me in?
Can i get you a cup
of coffee; water, beer?
i'm fine.
You don't mind me
asking a few questions?
No, not at all.
Is that your baby
i saw downstairs?
No, it's my
roommate jack's.
Who were those 2 men
you were talking to?
of the mother's.
They were going to
take her for a ride.
The baby,
not the mother.
They couldn't
because the car...
Had no
baby seat.
Mind if i have a
look at that baby?
I just love
little babies.
She's sleeping.
Sounds like
she's awake.
Mind if i
see her?
She doesn't
like strangers.
She may not be decent.
I don't think
she'll mind.
There she is,
and she's got a friend.
This is my
other roommate.
Detective melkowitz;
michael kellam.
What a cutie.
Mind if i hold her?
I just love kids.
I'd rather not.
Go ahead.
It won't hurt.
You know how she
is around people.
Let him
hold her.
He won't
hurt her.
He's a
police officer.
All right.
You're a heavy little
girl, aren't you?
Yes. Yes.
She really is
heavy, isn't she?
She's a good eater.
It means she won't grow up to be nervous.
You've got nothing to
be nervous about, sweetie.
She's ready
for a change.
You know babies;
eat, sleep, and poop.
- I'll change her.
- Good idea.
What a cute
little baby.
Do you know where
her father is?
No. He's on location
doing a tv movie,
But i have
no idea where.
Do you know
this guy?
Not very well.
He's a friend of jack's.
I don't remember
his name.
He's paul milner.
He directs tv commercials.
On the side, he dabbles
in heroin smuggling.
I don't know him.
I'd appreciate that
glass of water now.
Of course.
No problem.
Thank you.
I've got it.
hi, this
is peter, michael, and jack.
We're out playing.
Whoever it is, i'm here.
How are you?
I got a message that
you were trying to reach me.
Michael and i really
have to talk to you,
But you called us
at a bad time.
We'll call back later.
I'm calling from turkey.
It took me an
hour to get through.
It's not an easy
place to phone from.
This place
is amazing.
You will not believe
the stuff i bought for you.
This shit is
so cheap here.
I probably bought too much,
but i can always smuggle it in.
Ha, ha.
I was kidding.
Thanks for calling.
We'll see you when you get back.
I gotta get him
a glass of water,
So his mouth isn't dry
when he reads me my rights.
Here you are,
Nice talking
to you.
It was very
He heard the phone call.
We're dead.
You think jack's involved?
I don't know.
We gotta talk
to paul milner.
He is involved.
Couldn't you think of somewhere
better to hide the drugs?
It was perfect until you
insisted that he hold the baby.
I'm sorry.
Where'd you put 'em now?
In the garbage pail
under the dirty diapers.
Nobody's gonna
look for it there.
You realize we're in
trouble with this cop?
You realize that no one's
coming back for this kid?
Jesus, you're right.
We're stuck with her
'til jack gets back.
This is disconnected.
Oh, i'm late.
Wait a minute.
So am i.
Oh, damn it.
Mr. Kellam?
Mr. Mitchell?
mrs. Hathaway.
It seems
that a horse...
Has befouled
the front walk.
Do you know
anything about it?
Mrs. Hathaway,
how nice to see you.
Really nice
to see you.
She can sit
'til 5 p.M. I'll hurry.
Me, too.
I'm worried.
I got the one
with the moustache.
I'll tell melkowitz
we're moving.
There you
go, pal.
What can
i do for ya?
I'd like "sports illustrated",
"popular science,"
Some gum and
that giraffe up there.
Which one's
the giraffe?
The rubber one.
That's not a giraffe,
that's a dinosaur.
The one with
the polka dots?
Yeah, that's it.
That's a dinosaur, not a giraffe.
I don't care.
Just gimme the damn thing.
What about your change?
Never mind.
Mrs. Hathaway,
i'm home.
Mrs. Hathaway!
Mrs. Hathaway, where's mary?
I don't know.
Oh. My god.
thank god.
Thank god.
No, everything's
fine, darling.
Everything's fine.
Don't you worry.
Nobody's gonna
hurt you.
No, it's okay.
She's okay.
She's not hurt.
How are you?
I'm fine, just fine.
Did you see what those bastards
did to my videotapes?
We got a message.
What'd it say?
"Next time,
we'll take the baby."
It's okay.
It's okay.
Mr. Kellam?
Mr. Mitchell?
"The champ caught smith with
a savage left hook...
"That sent the challenger
crashing into the ropes.
"Smith, his left eye swollen,
"And the cut above his right
eye now much more bloody,
Countered with a barrage
of vicious body blows."
What are you
reading her?
It doesn't matter
what i read,
It's the tone you use.
She doesn't understand
the words, anyway.
Now, where were we?
"The champ began the 5th round
like a man possessed,
"Going straight for his
opponent's body...
With ferocious energy."
Jeez! My face!
Watch out for my face!
It's me, jack! Jack!
Jesus, jack!
No, wait.
Get him off me.
You irresponsible...
What is it with you guys!
We should be asking you
that question.
What'd i do?
What the hell are you doing
back so soon anyway?
- My part got cut, okay?
- Good!
What is with him?
Look at this place.
What the hell is
going on around here?
Aw, shit!
What was that?
I'm not going anywhere...
'Til you tell me what's going on.
We'll be glad to.
That really hurt, peter.
Ow, ow, ow.
Sunday morning,
i come back from jogging...
To find this basket,
with this baby in it...
Waiting in the vestibule.
Wha..., What?
Inside is a note from sylvia
saying the baby was yours,
And she was leaving it here
for you to deal with.
Then, along comes another
package with your name on it.
Only this time,
the package has heroin in it,
And the narcotics squad, camped downstairs,
knows all about it. The cops?
I don't believe this.
I don't know anything about
any drugs or any police.
I thought i was just
doing a favor for paul.
I didn't know
what was in that package.
I certainly don't know
anything about that baby.
Somebody drops a baby off,
and you assume he's mine?
The child doesn't look
anything like me.
I'm bigger...
And i have
more hair.
"Dear jack,
here's our baby.
I can't handle this now.
I don't know where else to turn."
Oh, my god!
A year and a half ago...
I was doing
"taming of the shrew."
She was the shrew.
I did some of my
best work in that.
I got great reviews.
Jack, you're
such a jerk.
You're always thinking about yourself.
I want to kill you.
we won't have to.
Jack, i would like to introduce
you to your daughter, mary.
Wait a minute.
You can't be sure this is my kid.
Uh, uh...
What the hell am i
supposed to do with it?
We've put our lives on hold,
jack, taking care of this kid.
Now, it's your turn.
Okay, all right.
Until i straighten
this mess out,
I'll take care of her.
Why not? I'm an actor.
I can do a father.
What can be so difficult?
Good night, jack.
Good night.
Oh, down we go.
Wait a minute!
What's the matter with her?
Good night, jack.
Good night, jack.
Hold still, kid.
How do you put on these
goddamn things, anyway?
Figure it out for yourself, dickhead.
Nice shot.
Look at
that stuff!
Oh, my god.
What are you guys feeding her, huh?
Oh, no, not on the silk sheets!
Not on the silk sheets!
Maybe i should show him
how to put on the diaper.
Oh, no. I don't believe this.
Why me? Please!
Come on,
Let's give him another half hour.
Let him
yes, yes.
I'm trying to reach paul milner.
No, he was supposed to be in san
francisco, but i can't find him.
Please tell him to call jack
holden as soon as he gets in.
Is this
Yeah, "urgent's"
an understatement...
I don't know why i bother
to give you this.
It just goes
right through you.
Did you get hold
of your friend?
No. Don't forget
to bolt the door.
I won't.
Remember, there's $250,000 in
heroin in that diaper pail.
The baby wipes
are in the cabinet.
Right. Heroin's in
the diaper pail,
Baby wipes are in the cabinet.
Where else would they be?
I can't
believe this.
You're kidding me?
Thirty-Two benningtons in the london area?
Uh, i'll get back to you.
I, i...
Oh, boy.
I know, i know.
Yes, yes, yes. Sshh.
Oh, god.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, we tried your mommy.
Maybe i should, uh,
Maybe i should
try mine, huh?
Well, where
is she?
Oh, mom. Wait 'til you see her.
You won't believe this.
She is so beautiful.
She looks just like you.
You know, you
boys live like pigs.
Oh, mom.
Look, there.
Isn't she beautiful?
There she is!
Look at that little baby!
Will you come to me?
I'm gonna pick you right up.
Yes, i'm gonna
pick you right up.
Oh, i'm in awe.
I mean, look at you;
You pick her
up like a pro.
I pick her up
like a grandmother.
that's called
let's see you.
She's so lovely.
What's her name? Mary.
Well, mary!
Look at the way
she's looking at me.
For a moment, there,
i had her laughing.
Yeah, just
like me, huh?
Don't ruin this
for me, jack.
Oh, she
adores you.
She knows that
you're her grandmother.
It's like a biological thing,
an instant connection.
Cut the crap, jack.
What do you want?
Mom, i can't take
care of her.
I don't know
what to do.
I was hoping that you could
take her for a little while,
Not forever.
You know, until she's ready to vote?
Oh, i would
love to.
Do you know, jack, some people
live all their lives...
Without having anything this
wonderful to show for it?
I know,
I'm going to do the most
wonderful thing for you;
Jack, you've always run
away from responsibility.
Now, you have to
turn and face it.
i'm a screw-Up.
You were a screw-Up.
Now, you're a father,
And you'll
be a fine one.
Think so?
I know it.
Your father, god rest
his soul, he was a screw-Up,
And he turned
out just fine.
Don't you remember?
Yeah, i guess
Now, give
me a kiss.
Mary, give
me a kiss.
Now, you and
your friends...
Clean this
place up.
If not for yourselves,
do it for my granddaughter.
We will,
we will.
Bye. Thanks anyway,
Well, looks like it's
just you and me now, huh?
Oh, jack?
There's 4 bottles prepared already,
So you should be fine
until tomorrow morning.
If her bottom gets red,
give her a bottle of water.
In about 3 hours...
white as marble.
We'll be in seats
d-11 through 14.
If there's a problem,
the usher will get us.
Oh, here's
the number.
Wait a minute.
Are you leaving right now?
When are you
coming back?
Don't worry
about us.
Is this a four?
it's good to have.
So, uh, what do
you want to do?
This show's been running
longer than mary's been alive.
Peter, we agreed not to mention
her name tonight, right?
My mistake.
Who did you guys con
into sitting for you?
Are you
Well, we're
in luck here.
tonight, the chef has...
Cooked up something
very special for you.
He has taken the
juice of one cow,
And sauteed it
with a fine sauce.
It is presented,
surrounded by a bottle,
And topped off with a
delicious rubber nipple, eh?
Excellent choice!
Yes, yes, here we go.
Ah, yes.
what, what?
Here you go.
Come on.
You don't
want it, huh?
I just changed you.
And you're not hungry.
What else is there in life?
I always wanted to be
a musical comedy star.
- Did you ever try?
- No.
ladies and gentlemen,
Act ii will begin
in three minutes.
Michael, have you
ever done any acting?
No, no, i leave that to jack.
The idiot.
i got sunshine
on a cloudy day
when it's cold outside
i got the month of may
i guess you say
what can make me
feel this way
my girl
Maybe he fell asleep,
or fell and hit his head.
He's probably
Come on,
it's started.
- There's an emergency.
- It's terrible.
- I had a great time.
- See you at p.J.'S.
Sing us a song
from the 2nd act.
Are they always
this strange?
Since they got involved
with another woman.
Wasn't that fun, huh?
Ooh, cover
Jack, where are you?
I'm right here.
What, what?
What are
you doing?
What's it look like
i'm doing, peter?
Is everything
all right?
Everything's fine, yeah.
Why are you back so soon?
Uh, we thought that we
might have left the stove on.
No, no.
The stove's not on.
I think that uncles
peter and michael...
Are having a
nervous breakdown.
I called, jack.
I let the phone ring for 5 minutes.
Why didn't you
answer the phone?
Well, because mary and
i were taking a shower,
Weren't we?
We didn't hear anything.
Isn't that the
truth, mademoiselle?
Oh, you are cute.
I never put a phone
in a shower before.
Do you get many
calls in here?
A steady
"Commercial director
hospitalized after mugging."
Yeah, take a look at this.
It's your friend, paul milner.
"Don't let this happen to you.
Be at the phone booth...
At the corner of 81st and
columbus at 8 pm tonight."
They're trying to intimidate us.
I hate that.
I've had enough
of this doo-Doo!
I want to finish
this, okay?
Yeah, we got
your message.
Uh-Uh. No good.
We do it our way.
Because we got the stuff, and
if you don't do it our way...
Come on!
Say it, say it.
We flush it
down the toilet!
Okay, now.
Listen, and listen good.
There's a
construction site...
Car 20 following suspects,
south bound, central park west.
Come on,
Damn it, joe,
we lost them!
I've got 3 blocks
to turn around!
That was great.
That was great.
Everybody remember what
they're supposed to do?
Come on, peter.
It's not that complicated a plan.
Next, he'll want us to
synchronize our watches.
Should we
do that?
Yes, thank you.
Hello, sergeant melkowitz.
My name is jack holden.
I think you know my 2 roommates.
I must have been crazy
to agree with that guy.
"Orange elevator."
Here it is.
"Close door."
15, please.
I'm all
What's wrong,
Come here.
What is it, huh?
Well, you should have
told me before we left.
Oh, boy.
This is not a good time to do this.
Hold still.
There you go.
You know, this is
really aggravating.
I'm here,
by the pipes.
I don't have
a lot of time...
Hold it,
just hold it.
Look, where is the stuff?
Give it to me.
It's in the elevator.
Oh, bullshit!
It's in the control panel.
Check for yourself.
What am i supposed to do,
bring my handy tool kit here?
You realize...
We had absolutely
nothing to do with this.
We had no idea what
was in the package.
I could've figured
that out in 4 seconds.
I mean, you guys
don't behave like pros.
We're not pros.
I just said that,
didn't i?
Why make it
so complicated?
We've never
done this.
I've got it!
You're forgiven,
this time.
Very wise of you
to cooperate.
it's over.
No happier than
i am, believe me.
Dealing with amateurs is
a real pain in the ass.
So is dealing
with professionals.
No doubt.
Hey, what
is that?
What are you,
abusing my trust here?
There's someone in there!
Come on!
Come on,
Oh, no.
Look out!
I lost my balance.
You all right?
Did you get it?
Yeah, i got it!
Who's doing this?
I want that camera, punk!
6 switches!
Aw, these guys
wrecked my day!
What the hell happened?
He hit the wrong button.
He what?
- Can it go any faster?
- This is it!
You punks!
Nowhere to run,
nowhere to hide.
I want that home movie.
I'll wait for you... i want it!
Oh, no.
Hit the button
on the left!
The one on the
left, jack!
What, what?
Hit the button
on the left!
There is
no left.
Come on, get it going faster!
I can't!
What's the matter?
Why is this elevator stopped?
I got 'em!
- What's going on?
- It just ain't runnin'.
- Did you hit the buttons?
- Yeah. It's dead.
Uncles peter and michael will
be plenty ticked off with daddy.
Aren't you glad
he's on our side?
You wait for me!
I know where you live!
Oh, no,
Why is this happening?
Why is this happening?
It's okay, guys,
it's okay.
Hi. Are you
sergeant melkowitz?
Are you the father?
Yes, yes,
i am.
Thanks for
the phone call.
It was
peter's idea.
She's okay.
The guys you want
are in that elevator.
The drugs are up there, too.
All you need to know is here.
It's very
Thanks a lot.
If i have any questions,
I know where to
reach you guys.
Can i hold
the baby?
i guess not.
when the sun goes down
and it's getting late
you say it's time for bed
she just takes her time
acting like she never
heard a word you said
little baby want
to hold you tight
she don't ever want
to say good night
she's your lover
she wants to be daddy's girl
when the morning comes
and it's time to go
start another day
she won't let you leave
and she does her best
try to make you stay
pretty baby gonna
start to cry
she don't ever want
to say goodbye
she's your lover
she wants to be daddy's girl
she don't ever want
to be without you
never have to worry
she won't doubt you
when she puts her head
upon your shoulder
Go again,
I will see you
burn in hell.
You'll see
me where?
In hell.
You heard me.
Yes? And where will you be
while i'm burning in hell?
I'll tell you where
i'll be, you silly bitch.
I will be in niagara falls, that's where.
Ha, ha, ha.
Can you say
Yeah, can you say "michael"?
she won't understand
why you're feeling sad
'cause she's
leaving you alone
little woman gonna
make you cry
you don't ever want
to say goodbye
she's a lady
she'll always be
daddy's girl
little woman gonna
break your heart
One bottle, please.
One bottle.
Here it comes.
Ho, yup!
Ho, ho!
Hey, hey, yo!
Sshh. I know, i know.
Yes, yes.
the matter?
She doesn't want
to stop crying.
That's not
like her.
Let's give
it a try.
All right.
good night, sweetheart
well it's time to go
good night, sweetheart
well it's time to go
i hate to leave you
but i really must say
good night, sweetheart
good night
well it's 3 o'clock
in the morning
baby i just can't
treat you right
well i hate to
leave you baby
i don't mean maybe
because i love
you so
do-Do-Dee, do-Do-Dee
well it's time to go
good night, sweetheart
well it's time to go
i hate to leave you
but i really must say
good night, sweetheart
good night
I didn't know
you sang so well.
Well, it kind of
helps her sleep.
This is having quite
an effect on you.
You gonna have
any more kids?
I don't want to talk about it, rebecca.
Good night.
Peter, i'm having a
lot of trouble sleeping.
Could you
sing to me?
All right, i'll
see you later.
Thank you.
There you go.
I'm sylvia...
Mary's mother.
I've come to get her.
Just a
How is she?
She's fine.
She's teething.
That can be rough.
Can i see her?
Come on in.
I don't believe how
wonderful she looks!
Hello, mary!
my darling.
It's your mommy.
Yes, it's your mommy.
You're very
Your hair is growing.
You've changed so much,
And i've
missed it.
Mommy has
missed you.
Oh, i never thought
i'd miss her this much.
Where's my baby?
Is jack here?
I'll get him.
Mary, look how
big you've gotten!
Sylvia's here.
Mary's leaving.
She looks very
happy, jack.
You've obviously
taken good care of her.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have left
her the way i did.
I hope it didn't
cause too much trouble.
No, no.
No trouble at all
There's something
i need to know.
Is she
really mine?
Yes, she is.
So, what are you going to do now?
Do you have any idea?
I, uh...
i'm going home.
I can't work and take care
of mary on my own, so uh...
We're going to move
in with my family.
They said
they'd help.
You're going
to london?
Is that what you
really want to do?
Never mind.
You pack all
the bottles?
And the cans
of formula?
You packed 'em.
What about
the blender?
Should we give her that,
to mash up bananas and stuff?
And diapers.
You pack extra pampers?
How can he
let her go?
If i were jack,
i would not let her go.
Neither would i, michael,
neither would i.
But he's
the father.
I don't think he
wants her to go.
But he just
can't admit it.
You know, if you want
anything at all, you call us.
She'll probably be
hungry in an hour.
She's a real
good eater, so...
Like her
Some of this
stuff's fragile.
I got it.
If she wakes up at night,
she likes to be sung to.
50's and 60's
music works best.
I'll remember
You're all set.
Everything's packed.
If you need anything
else, call us.
Thank you.
Well, here, let me.
Go ahead.
There we go.
Gloucester hotel,
I'll write and let you
know how we're doing.
Wave goodbye,
Bye, mary.
Bye, mary.
good night, sweetheart
well it's time to go
good night, sweetheart
well it's time to go
i hate to leave you
but i really must say
oh good night, sweetheart
good night
good night, sweetheart
well it's time to go
good night, sweetheart
well it's time to go
i hate to leave you
i really must say
oh good night, sweetheart
good night
well it's three o'clock
in the morning
baby i just can't
get it right
well i hate
to leave you baby
i don't mean maybe
because i love you so
do-Do-Do, do-Do-Do,
good night, sweetheart
well it's time to go
good night, sweetheart
well it's time to go
i hate to leave you
i really must say
oh good night, sweetheart
good night
do-Do-Do-Do, do-Do-Do-
i hate to leave you
i really must say
oh good night, sweetheart
good night
Guys like us shouldn't
be raising kids, anyway.
should we?
I suppose not.
She's better off
with her mother.
And we are definitely
better off...
Now that everything's back to normal.
Whatever you
say, jack.
So how come
i feel so bad?
you say?
How come
i feel so bad?
I have this ache,
right here.
I don't know.
What do you think, mike?
Could be
the wine.
It's not
the wine.
Well, what
is it, then?
I don't know.
I wish it would go away.
Maybe it's
something you ate.
Maybe you're not
getting enough sleep.
It's not that.
Then what the
hell is it?
I miss mary.
I miss mary.
I just wish there was
something i could do.
Well, maybe
there is.
When's her
flight leaving?
Yo, taxi!
Kennedy airport.
Who are you
guys chasing?
My baby girl.
Her mother's taking her to london.
How old?
7 months.
7 months.
That's hard work.
Pretty soon,
they start to walk.
The first time you
hear the word "daddy,"
Your heart
just melts.
Can you drive a
little faster, please?
Thank you.
luck, guys.
It's four,
gate four!
Excuse me, sir.
Hold it, fellows. One at a time.
Hold it.
Any metal?
Put it in
here, please.
Go through.
Thank you, sir,
one at a time...
1, 2, 3, 4!
flight 176?
That's it.
Thank you.
Good night.
Are you all right?
We thought you'd gone.
I couldn't go, jack.
I couldn't do it.
I don't want to
make another mistake.
I knew if i took her,
i'd be making another mistake.
I have to work...
And i can't do that and
take care of mary alone.
Do you know
what's it's like?
A one-Room flat,
on your feet all day,
Working or
I'm on the job sometimes
until 3 in the morning.
Since mary gets up at 5:30,
i don't get much sleep.
And after 5:30,
it starts over at 9:00.
By the time i change her and
play with her, it's 8:00.
Forget about
sleep after that.
With baby-Sitters, all my money
is sucked down the tubes.
And me so tired, i can't
take mary to the park.
Getting time for
the park is a bitch!
I mean, i love
my job but,
I sometimes feel like i'm just
working to pay the sitters...
And i run
around all day,
And i don't
get enough sleep.
I don't think i'm taking
very good care of mary.
- Of course you are.
- I am?
We know how
hard it is.
The 3 of us could
hardly manage.
I don't want
to go to london.
I want to work
in new york.
But i can't
do that alone.
I hope i don't have to.
I need help.
I need someone to help me.
We'll help.
We will help!
You can leave her
anytime you want.
When you go for an
audition or shopping,
Or you want to
be by yourself.
I hoped you'd
say that.
Thank you, so much!
Of course!
Hold it, guys.
I don't like
this arrangement.
I just don't want to
be mary's baby-Sitter.
I want... We want to be able
to see her all the time.
I agree, so what are you saying?
What do you mean?
I'm saying,
that i think,
Mary should move in
with us permanently,
That we should
be her family.
It's lovely of you to offer...
but i couldn't let mary...
No, no, no, no...
You're right.
She's your daughter.
She needs a full-Time mother.
That's why...
We think that you
should move in, too.
It's a great idea!
Oh sylvia, come on.
4 is better than 3.
Uh, do you
have room?
I'll build you
and mary rooms.
Yeah, he builds rooms!
Please say yes!
something happened
baby, in my life
the minute i saw you
all the others
faded from my life
the minute
i saw you, hey!
nothing better
baby, in my life
'til the minute i saw you