$50K and a Call Girl: A Love Story (2014) Movie Script

Street justice, punk!
I met my brother Ross
when I was three years old.
Growing up, Ross was
the cute one.
The athletic one.
The popular one.
But he was also my best friend
from the day I met him.
And from the day my dad
married his mom,
I never thought of him as
anything but my brother.
And I loved him.
When he was diagnosed
with brain cancer,
I decided to document
his survival.
This should've been the
end of the movie.
Instead, it's the beginning.
I want to hold the sun.
So this is Ross Patterson.
He just received
a penis reduction.
I gave three inches
to a needy kid in China.
And, uh...
And I'm reading
Highlights Magazine.
who always circles shit
in fucking Highlights?
I want to find the rake
in the cloud,
I want to find the baseball
bat inside the tree nut.
You loved
Highlights when we were kids.
Hey, Ross?
- Oh, doctor's here.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Brings a therapy dog
to a patient consultation,
it's a pretty good bet that
he's not delivering good news.
- Um... yeah.
W-would you mind
putting that thing away
and shutting it off?
Um, because of the HIPAA Laws,
I have to have you document
So, if it's all right
with you, it's fine with me.
This has been going on
for two and half years,
I think we're fine.
We got the results back
from your PET scan.
And, um...
...here's where we stand.
Unfortunately, the tumor
is growing more rapidly
than we anticipated.
As a matter of fact,
we're at levels we haven't
seen in over a year.
Wait, s... so
what are you saying?
Uh... We're not
able to control
this with chemotherapy.
In addition, it's metastasized.
We found traces of the
cancer in your bone marrow,
in your liver,
and your pancreas.
Uh, considering your heart
I think more chemotherapy
is way too risky.
We do have other options.
What are my other options?
Um, o-okay, a-all right,
y-you need to understand
that this is not a cure,
but I think
we can significantly stop
the aggression of this tumor
with radiation therapy.
Yeah, I'm-I'm not going
back to chemo, all right?
I-I-I'm not...
...- I-I-I'm not getting...
- ... It's not...
...it's not chemo,
it's radiation.
I'm not getting
radiation again.
I-I'm not, I-I'm not gonna
lie here in a fucking bed,
I'm not gonna
shave my head again,
I'm not gonna be pricked with
needles so you guys can...
...you don't
fucking understand!
You have a choice, and you may
not want to do this,
but I think that
it would significantly shrink
the damage
that's being done by...
Okay, when you say
significantly shrink,
Like in terms of a timeline,
what are you saying,
like how much... What is
this gonna give him?
At the rate
of progression now...
immediate intervention,
we're looking
at one to three months.
However, with radiation
and drug therapy,
we can probably extend that
to a period
of six months to a year.
Six months
to a year, man.
Yeah, I'm not, I'm not
going through it.
Look, I-I understand...
I'm not going through six months
of fucking radiation therapy
again, all right?
I'm not going through it.
You... need to give
this some time.
To think about the choice
you want to make
and think about what you want
to do with the time
you have left.
- I'm sorry.
No, it's... I got to rub
a therapy dog,
or else I'd be
a mess right now.
Now, I have to take Beans back.
I promised that I would
take him to
the children's ward with me.
Are you... are you kidding?
You just gave me
the worst news of my life.
So I-I'm gonna die
and you want the dog?
Fuck you!
Ross kept
the therapy dog.
At the time I was working
as a wedding videographer.
Riding the bubble of
California's gay wedding boom.
But on the weekends,
Ross and my super-naturally-
photogenic fiancee, Lauren,
helped me indulge in my
artistic ambitions.
Shooting Tarantino-esque
vignettes full of violence
and subtle references to the
masterpieces of cinema.
But when Ross got sick,
I realized I had
the chance to make something
Something meaningful and true.
This is what that turned into.
What'd they give you?
Oxies, perp, valium.
- Nice.
Yeah, there's a real
silver lining in all this.
You want some?
- No, I shouldn't.
Oh, let's...
...let's turn this around.
There we go.
Seth, how's it feel?
Do something interesting
because this gonna
be for cutaways.
Is your...
...Is that your phone again?
- Yeah. Who is it?
- Uh...
I don't know, it's weird,
it's Lauren.
Dinner is almost ready."
We need to go food shopping.
I know.
- What are you filming?
The Ross Documentary.
We need to talk.
Put the camera down.
So, what do you wanna do?
I have 618 dollars in checking.
Fuck. I don't-maybe I could
buy a, uh, skim board.
A new skim board.
- I have... I have 50k.
- Yeah, you...
I have 50 thousand dollars
in my savings account.
You have 50 thousand
for your wedding.
Yeah. So, like, I don't
care, not for my wedding.
So, we'll spend it on,
fucking amazing adventure.
Lauren will cut off your balls
if you spend that
wedding money.
- She won't cut off my balls!
- Yes, she will!
No, she'll cut off maybe
one ball, one and half...
...He wants to go out
with a bang.
He wants to do a road trip
across the country with me.
You know, just...
...wild, crazy times.
- Okay.
- At the end.
Um, he doesn't have any money.
- Mm.
- We have 50 thousand dollars.
- That's for our wedding.
So when are you
gonna tell mom and dad?
I'm not gonna tell mom and dad.
Why not?
Because they would fly me home
and stare at me like I
was fucking E.T. for 30 days.
I mean, would you wanna know
when your kid is gonna die?
Are we still
gonna have a wedding?
Yeah! Of course we're gonna
have a wedding, baby.
The point is, he wants
to do this road trip.
And, he wants me to film it.
- I'm going with you.
If you're gonna blow
all of our savings,
I'm going with you guys.
- Let's make a list.
- That's fine.
I...first thing I would do
is fuck a hooker.
- You would fuck a hooker?
- I would fuck a hooker.
For how much more
interesting that's gonna get?
You know, it's funny because
actually I think that if one
of those make-a-wish kids
actually said - when the
cameras weren't rolling - said
They would want
to fuck a hooker.
- They would want...
- ... They would not...
...Jenna Jamison
to whack them off...
They would not want to throw
footballs with Tim Tebow.
Committed to capturing all of
Ross's experiences on camera,
and as a life-long consumer
of video pornography,
I yearn for the opportunity
to shoot what academics
in the field termed
hot, amateur action.
I'm just gonna wait
out here for her.
All right.
Hello. Hi, are you-you
must be Lamborghini.
Yeah! I'm Lamborghini.
- Hi.
- It's, um, Italian. So, cool.
Um, what's with
the video camera?
I'm sorry, I'm just...
Yeah, you didn't say anything
about videotaping, so... just...
- Sorry.
- Yeah.
- Totally sorry.
- No, no problem.
Um, so it's off?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Well, um, so...
uh, so is it for you or...?
- What?
- Is it for you or...
Yeah, do you want to-uh, no,
I'm not, I'm not a customer.
It's my-it's-it's
someone else.
- Um, uh...
- What do I...?
- Yeah, you have to pay up front.
- I ha-have the money. Yeah.
- Yeah, it makes sense. Um.
- Otherwise...
...it's 200, you said?
- Uh, three.
- 300, okay. Shit, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
Uh, could we do it ins...
...could we do it inside?
- God.
- What was that?
- Bow-chicka-wow-wow.
- No.
No, just stop. Um...
- What is he doing?
Everything is going to be okay.
You're gonna be fine.
- Is it really?
- Yeah.
Yes, yeah.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Everyone's gonna be fine.
It's gonna be okay.
- Thanks.
Is your name
really Lamborghini?
Do you think
my name's really Lamborghini?
What is it?
It's Carly.
Yeah, I was gonna go
with Ford Fiesta but
I don't know if
that was sexy enough.
People really weren't
responding to it.
You know,
you're actually very funny.
I have my moments.
So I just paid 300 dollars
for my brother to cry
in the lap of a prostitute.
- Is that on?
I'm shooting everything now.
I'm not putting the camera
down for the rest of his life.
but I don't have to be in it.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- What's up?
- Nothing.
Lauren's getting ready to go.
So, I thought
I'd just wake you up.
How are we... gonna line the
streets for a parade for her?
Fucking time is it?
Uh. I don't know, what
time is it?
It's quarter to...
...nine in the a.m.
- I feel like death.
- Pun intended.
There she is.
- Good morning.
There she is.
to hear about your news.
It's fine. I just, uh... lets
not give all the quotes
in the brochure, let's
just... not think about it.
- Right. What's this?
- That is the list.
- "Fuck It List."
- Yep.
What's this one
that's crossed out?
Fuck a hooker. Uh... Actually,
I changed my mind last night.
Did you really?
- Seth?
- What?
- Sorry, Seth.
That's okay.
I was thinking you were
gonna empty your balls
but you emptied your heart
and that was special.
I'm a little bit confused.
But I feel like, we're just
gonna look at the list
Um... "Quit my job."
- Yep.
Which is gonna be,
like, piece of cake.
But something I'm really
gonna take pride in.
This will be my last
tour of Hollywood.
Fuck you, Hollywood Fun Tours!
I've been in competition
with you for years!
You having a good time today,
where are you from?
Asia? I love it there,
I love it there.
There is a place on Melrose,
it's a flip-over place
where they only do fronts,
if you give an extra
20 dollars.
After this whole shit is over,
let's go together.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we we have
a rare treat today.
Courtney Cox's landscaper.
These are
the real celebrities, people.
- "Go skydiving."
Yep. We booked it.
- We booked it already.
- Wednesday.
- I don't know if I can...
- Wednesday afternoon.
I don't know if I could do it.
- Then, uh...
- You don't have to do it.
All right.
Um, "see the Grand Canyon."
Oh, my God, I never been
to the Grand Canyon.
- Really?
- Uh-huh, never.
- I didn't know that.
- That's amazing!
Wait, um, I'm sure it's going
to be but why do you keep
looking at him as if you're
gonna go on the trip with us?
- I told you she was...
- ... I thought I was going.
...I told you she was going.
You said she was going
skydiving, she's not...
- ... No.
- ... going on the entire trip.
You know what,
if-if we're gonna couple up,
then I'm gonna take
the call girl.
You can't bring
a hooker with us on a...
...Why can't I bring a hooker
with us, she's really cool.
Please don't bring
a prostitute on this trip.
- Why not?
- Because it's just nasty.
Baby, he's joking.
- No, no...
- ... He is?
- ... No, Seth, I'm not joking.
If you guys are going together,
then I'm going
to bring a fucking call girl.
- Please don't!
- Why?
They're just like
a porn movie every day.
"Fall in love
and get married."
Okay, no,
that one I was kidding about.
Like, obviously... I'm not...
I'm dying in a fucking month!
Yeah, I'm gonna get married
and start a 401k
and have some grandkids.
Maybe even settle down,
I didn't have any more
space to fill on that thing.
- What?
Please, please,
be nicer to him.
I am trying, but, ugh!
A prostitute?
I think it's a good idea."
It's so annoying.
- All rules are off.
- All rules are off? All
rules are off, he's dying.
To put something on the
bucket list, it's McGriddles.
If you can grab maybe four of
those and some hash browns,
it would be awesome.
They're not-I mean,
I would have to do it
after work.
So, anyways,
Seth is coming, who you met.
His fiancee, Lauren is coming,
and the reason why I brought
you here is I was wondering
if you would want to go too?
On the road trip?
- Yes.
- With you guys?
- With all of us.
And maybe a couple
of camera crew guys.
They're gonna shoot
a documentary
the last three days
of my life, whatever.
What's in it for me?
- Uh... I don't know, five grand?
- Ten grand.
I pull, like, two grand a week.
You're gonna be
taking me away from that.
Look, I'll tell you this.
I'll give you five grand now,
and when I die you get my car.
- Your car?
- Yes.
What kind of car is it?
Jesus, it's, uh,
2002 Chevy Tahoe.
It's got a
Spanish-language GPS in it.
You're gonna be... that's just
you, you're gonna have it.
If... I did this, which I'm not
saying I'm going to...
...there would have to be
Like a hooker handbook?
Yeah, like a hooker handbook.
You haven't seen Pretty Woman?
Tell me you've seen
Pretty Woman
and don't be an asshole.
- I've seen Pretty Woman.
- Okay, so you know.
Rule number one:
No kissing on the lips.
If you want to kiss anywhere
else, that's your deal.
And number two:
I get paid up front.
All right, fine. If you
have rules, I have rules.
Oh, yeah,
like what?
Like... no talking about death
or dying or disease
or anything like that.
I already know what's
in store for me,
re-hashing every single day,
Um, I'm gonna lose my vision,
pretend I'm drunk.
I'm going to... lose my balance,
pretend I'm drunk.
I'm gonna vomit, like a lot.
- Pretend you're drunk, okay.
- Exactly.
For the next four to six weeks
or however long it is
I have on this Earth,
your job is to make me feel
as normal as possible.
You in?
- Yeah. Fuck it.
Why was
I filming our journey?
Was I trying to preserve every
last second of Ross's life?
Was I pretending that what
was happening wasn't real?
So, your, uh,
your girl over there.
Now, what's her name?
- Carly?
Carly, yeah, is she, uh,
is she paid for, right?
- Yeah, uh, what do you mean?
- You know what I mean, man.
A little crew good time fun?
- Oh, Jesus Christ, really?
Seth, really?
- Who's that?
That's, uh, that's Dutch.
He's doing, uh, sound for us.
- How much does he cost?
- Not very much.
Hey, baby, I want
to introduce you to Carly.
- I don't want to.
- Why not?
You're gonna have to meet her,
we're going to be on a month-
we're gonna be
on the road with her a month.
- When? Carly.
- Yeah.
Hey, I want you
to meet Lauren, my fiancee.
- It's nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah.
- Really great shirt.
- Thank you.
- Yeah. D-did you make it?
- No, I modified it.
- Smart.
I like your shirt, too.
- Thank you.
- It's really nautical.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Nice to meet you.
Yeah, you too.
How's it going, Jetta?
- Who-who's this?
That's Jetta, he's, uh-you
actually met him before.
You've met him at Barbara and
George's cousin's wedding.
How much does he cost?
Baby, why are you so concerned
with how much everything costs?
Um, I just want
to know how much is left.
There's gonna be plenty left.
Hey, let's hit the road!
Let's hit the road.
- Okay.
All right, you guys
are going in that car,
we're gonna take the van.
- Okay.
- We'll be right behind you.
Milady, your chariot!
Have you seen her shirt?
- What?
- Her shirt?
Her shirt? She modified it.
I can't believe this
is actually gonna happen.
It's too high.
Baby, I'm not
staying on this plane.
I'm going. C'mon.
For real. Let's go.
- I don't want to go.
- Let's go.
Come on, let's go.
- Stop it!
I don't want to go.
- I love you, baby!
- Love you! Okay, oh, my God!
Ready, set!
I can't do it.
No, no, no!
I don't want to do it.
I don't want to go.
Close it now.
- Group hug.
- Yeah.
That was amazing, oh!
- I wish you would've gone.
- I'm sorry, I was too scared.
It's okay.
Okay, it's okay to be scared.
Okay? Once.
You get one pass, all right?
Next time we do
something like this,
you have to join us.
- Okay.
- All right?
- Okay.
- Love you.
So you're not
gonna say anything?
- Like, what?
- Uh, I don't know.
I mean, we just jumped
out of a fucking plane.
Like, how cool is that?
Yeah, it was crazy.
It didn't seem crazy to you,
you're just fixing your hair
for the last 15 minutes,
since we-since we left.
No, it was fu-
it was fun, I don't know...
...I don't know
what you want me to say.
You know, you can have a good
time on this, if you want.
Actually, it's just weird.
Like, I just...
What's weird about it?
I don't... I don't...
I don't feel-I don't feel
bad for you.
You don't feel bad
for me because I'm dying?
Not really,
you make it kind of hard.
How do I make it kind of hard?
You kind of come off
as... an asshole.
Like, you don't seem
like you're dying,
you don't seem like you care
about any things that like...
...you should care
about when you're dying.
Like you just want to spend
your brother's money,
and pay me to like,
come along with you
and make sure you have fun.
It's just, it's weird,
I'm sorry.
For me, I would probably...
...I would want
to hang out with, like...
...my family as much as I could.
If I could.
I am hanging out
with my family.
Look, I'm just not that
close to a lot of people.
It's just weird.
Well, what about you?
Why do you do what you do?
It doesn't make sense.
It's just a job.
I know it's just a job.
All this is just a job.
It's not
but it's like,
there's no weird explanation
or something like...
...It's just a service
that I provide
and I'm fucking good at it.
It's... I moved out
to L.A. to be an actress and...
...that's what I do.
My audience is
one person or two or three.
Jesus, three?
- Depends. Um.
- Seems obsessive.
Look, it's not all pathetic,
you know?
I get something out of it.
I lose myself in the role,
I lose myself in someone
else's fantasy and it's...
So, are you doing
that right now, with me?
No. I'm not doing
that with you right now.
I'm... I'm actually
talking to you like a real
person and that feels...
...feels right.
Our sound guy, Dutch,
had a friend from the service
who sold mushrooms in a
trailer park near Joshua Tree.
I was excited
to meet a friend of Dutch's.
Snappy dresser.
I've never taken
mushrooms before.
Am I gonna freak out?
You'll freak out.
No, you're gonna freak out
a little bit.
- Have you ever freaked out?
- Yeah.
Of course I freaked out.
- Have you ever freaked out?
I freaked out once
but that's because
I couldn't stop puking.
I freaked out once, too.
But I was with my dad
and I was 12.
Whoa, what the fuck?!
Not sure we need
to hear that story.
Where did that...
...- creepy story come from?
- It's not...
Look, Lauren, just take them.
I'm a sick kid,
this is my dying wish that for
you to take mushrooms with us.
- Okay. Fine, fine.
- Ahh.
Fine. Fine.
- Fine.
- Ahh.
- Fine!
What the fuck did you just do?
Baby, did you just take all
of them?
Did you just
eat that whole thing?
- Oh, shit, we're fucked.
You just ate
an entire bag of mushrooms.
I like the mushrooms.
See, that's what happens.
- Don't. Don't.
No, stop.
How's it going
in there with her?
- It's not going anywhere.
- Oh, really?
She, just...
... "You know the rules."
And just stormed off.
Where are you going?
Ross was just... freaking me out
a little bit.
'Cause he's trying to be all...
mushy and shit.
Why don't you like mushy?
'Cause it's not real.
It's bullshit.
Oh, you can't kiss?
Yeah, we can't kiss.
We can't...
Can-can you butt fuck?
Yeah, apparently you can
butt fuck her.
You can go downhill...
...So, why-why would you want
if butt fucking is like,
on the menu.
You're like, oh,
you know what, I'm-I'm full,
I'm just
gonna have an appetizer,
I'm just gonna...
- ... 'Cause I like her!
I like her.
So you-you
show her that you like her.
I just did!
I tried to have
a nice romantic...
...Being in the tent,
Her face is off
and that went nowhere.
He doesn't know me,
I don't know him.
You know,
I don't want to pretend that...
...just because he's dying,
we're like like soulmates.
Like, I'm working a job.
- What?
- That's really cold.
It just comes
with the territory.
If you went
to Heaven and God was like,
"Hey, guess what?
Astrology is real.
It's just all
Every horoscope we read,
completely 100 percent real.
I know that's a
Capricorn thing to say,
but I think...
WWE wrestling, all real.
- Like, pro wrestling?
- Yeah.
Pro wrestling, Iron Shriek,
every move he did,
fucking real, dude.
The truth is,
we were only comfortable
about the afterlife in jest.
Ross seemed to be
aversed introspection because it
slowed down the adventure.
But he was changing.
I interview you real quick?
Yeah, I got me teeth out,
you know,
I'm at home now
so I go without teeth.
No, it's okay.
It's just...
- I'll be back in a minute.
- Yeah, let him get his teeth.
- Okay. He pulled his
own teeth out...
- ... I have them on a necklace.
Oh, wow.
You don't have
the necklace, do you?
Yeah, I do.
It's got a tiger's tooth
and I got six of his teeth
as well that he,
uh, pulled himself.
'Cause when you live in the
Outback of Australia,
you do not have
access to dentists.
believe we'll go
after we exit this-this life?
For me, I won't go anywhere.
You'll stay... your spirit
will stay here, or...?
No, the body will drop
and I'll go back into
the transcendent
where I came from.
Ask you, but do you retain
consciousness in the void?
- No.
- Nothing?
- No, there's consciousness.
- Mm-hmm.
And there's pure awareness,
then there's void.
Once you go into void,
you don't exist
as any shape or form then.
So, basically we just-we just
die and then that's it.
Your-but if your body dies,
your world dies, right?
- Right.
Your world is born and it could also die.
Once you find something
inside yourself
that never changes,
then you found the truth,
And it's inside you,
and it's inside your friends
and it's inside everyone.
Yeah, I-I never really
thought of it like that.
Might have been profound,
might have been nonsense.
The fact he had some
bad-ass fucking face tattoos.
I would get
a tattoo of my dick but,
like, a bigger version of it,
tattooed on my dick.
What happened to you?
Or I could get abs.
I'd actually appreciate that.
Ross decided he wanted to get
a tattoo
of the state of Georgia.
Yeah, this is what I want.
That's where Ross
was born and he also wants,
"Fucked a chick
named Georgia."
So, double meaning!
Is it okay?
That's fucking dope, Graham.
That is fucking awesome man,
that is great work.
Glad you like it.
I can't believe
I'm about to say this.
Uh, is there anything
you want me to get?
Uh, "Asian Writing."
You want me
to get Asian writing?
Like, "Moo goo gai pan?"
- No, no...
No, literally,
just, "Asian Writing."
- The words, "Asian Writing?"
- ... On your ass.
Oh, my God.
- Let's do it.
You're welcome, Ross.
- Let me get you some change.
- Okay, perfect.
- Be right back.
- Sounds good.
Say, Carly?
Are you fucking serious?
- Say exactly like Val Kilmer.
- Really?
What's your problem, Kasansky?
You're everybody's problem.
It's because everytime you go up
in the air, you're unsafe.
I don't like you
because you're dangerous.
Oh, that's right.
Ice... man.
I am dangerous.
That was fucking awesome!
Let's go fly some MIGS!
- What's up?
- Yo!
- You're back. Was it fun?
- It was fucking amazing.
How's everything
going with Lamborghini?
Lamborghini is great.
- Cool.
You guys have been spending a
lot of solo time together.
Ooo, are you jealous?
I'm not jealous, I just didn't-
you know I thought
this trip was going
to be about you and me.
I didn't think...
Yeah, I mean, you brought
Lauren along, like...
Yeah, I know, but,
that's different because
it's our wedding money
that we're spending,
so I didn't really
have a choice.
Yeah, well, I mean, you said
90 percent of it was yours,
she's done about ten percent
of the trip so you could...
...send her home
if you wanted to.
Do you not
want her with us?
Why don't you send
Lamborghini home?
I like Lauren.
I like-
look, here's the thing,
I'm having a blast
as the four of us.
So I-I don't understand
why you're so jealous.
I'm not jealous,
I just...
...Look, we coupled up
and I-I'm having fun,
I am generally
having fun, Seth.
Thank you.
- So how do you...
...I'm serious,
I'm having fun on this.
I'm having fun, too.
I...I just think, it's,
uh, your relationship with
Lamborghini is interesting.
I just don't know what's...
...I mean, do you like her?
Carly, your relationship
with Carly is interesting.
My relationship
with Carly is interesting?
- Yeah...
- ... Yes. I really like her.
- You really like her?
- Yes, I think she is awesome.
She is funny, and smart,
and cool and...
...now, I'm getting
embarrassed being on camera.
Look, that's cool, man.
I just...
- ... No, look, hey.
I'm sorry if you felt left out.
Let me make it up to you.
What do you want to do?
what would you want to do?
If you could write something
down on my bucket list.
I won't tell Lauren.
It would be just for you,
it would be something
that you and I have
that no one else has,
what would you want to do?
- I got something.
- All right.
Hey, babe, I'm back!
- Hey, sweetie.
What are you doing?
You like it?
Oh, my God.
Can you help me do the back?
I don't know, all the sudden,
I feel like I have so much pity
for so many fools,
you know what I mean?
That wasn't even on his list.
...That was something
you wanted to do.
Ross wanted me to do it.
Part of what he wants is for me
to do what I want to do.
- What else do you want to do?
- I don't know.
Do you still
want to get married?
Of course I still
want to do get married.
Baby, I love you.
I still want to get married.
But I need you to just
kind of be there for me
through this experience.
You know,
could you just do that?
If your sister was going
through what Ross
was going through,
I would be there
for you 100 percent.
If my sister was dying,
I wouldn't pay for her
to sleep with a hooker
and get tattoos.
Well, your sister
and Ross are very different.
But I'm sure whatever
your sister wanted to do,
and I would just be there
for you a hundred percent.
This is very hard for me.
You know, I don't know,
I don't know what to do
in this situation.
All I know is that, whatever
Ross needs, I'm gonna do.
And I don't have any
leftover mental energy
to do relationship
maintenance on us.
You guys excited
for the Grand Canyon?
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
Just... I lost my balance.
- Are you drunk?
- Yeah, I'm pretty drunk.
- Lean on me.
- I'm fine.
No, come on.
No, put your arm around me.
I'm super strong.
I pump iron.
the Grand Canyon itself,
seemed to be in a conspiracy
of silence
about Ross's real condition.
But sometimes,
in quiet moments,
Ross knew he was dying.
Of your heart
I'm looking for a way
Looking for a way
To tell you
It's crazy, right?
Like, huge.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
Yeah, I know.
I believe you, totally.
You're a horrible liar.
I mean, sorry,
it's a good thing.
You just-you just suck at it.
No, I'm-I'm fine.
I'm just-I'm just annoyed.
- At me?
No. It's Seth,
he's just acting differently.
I hate this side of him.
- Yeah.
I never like when the
brothers get together.
Yeah, no, like...
...It's like,
Ross, um,
like, instigates, and...
- ... Yeah, feeds the beast.
- Yeah.
But, you know,
he's gonna be dead soon, so...
Oh, my God!
That's horrible.
But it's true, you know?
Like, you can just... check that
off the list and...
with your marriage, that's all.
I'm saying,
that's all I'm saying!
No, that's terrible.
That's terrible!
That was good, though.
- Yeah.
- It was funny.
It is really deep and big.
- Let's go.
- Yeah.
Sweetie. Babe.
So, if you mess with Texas,
you get laid off
with one warning.
The second time
you mess with Texas,
obviously you get raped.
I'm booking a job
for when I get back.
You look really sweaty.
What are all these
people doing here?
Every night at sundown,
people gather around here
to watch 10 thousand bats
fly out
from underneath that bridge.
It's like, um, town tradition.
- Where are they going?
- Back to Transylvania.
Fuck off.
May I ask you something?
- Mm-hmm.
- Are you scared?
- Of bats? No.
- No, asshole.
Of dying.
You remember our rules.
Let's just forget the rules,
Really? 'Cause if
were gonna forget the rules,
then we're gonna
forget all of them.
- Uh, okay.
- So yeah?
- Yes, fine.
- Okay.
Are you scared of dying?
No. Not really.
It's strange.
Scared about is not
leaving anything behind.
You know, no kids, no wife,
no legacy, things like that.
Yeah, but what about this?
Like, your family and friends
are gonna have something
to remember you by forever.
Not everybody gets that,
you know,
like a... a good memory
of people before they die.
People are gonna watch this,
they're gonna know that...
...you were loved and that
you were happy and... at peace.
As far as not
leaving behind a wife.
That's not true, either.
If you'll marry me.
Come on.
From your "Fuck It List."
"Fall in love, get married."
Lauren showed me. So...
Look, as sweet as this is,
I appreciate it,
you don't have to do this.
I was joking about that.
Were you really joking, though?
You know what?
No. I wasn't.
Look, throw the money thing
out the window for a second.
Do you even like me?
Forget that I'm paying you,
do you Carly,
even really like me?
'Cause honestly,
I-I can't figure it out.
I do.
And if you haven't
figured that out,
wrong with you
besides the tumor.
Listen, let's do this
the right way then.
Carly Sarah Stoops.
Will you marry me?
Oh, my God, that's so weird.
And it fit
it fits perfect.
It's gorgeous.
No more rules?
No more rules.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
To an amazing night.
And a great engagement.
And thank you Seth
for paying for everything.
It's us.
It's both of us.
And Lauren.
Thank you so much.
And, uh, I want to just say...
I'm... not losing a brother, well
I guess I am.
I'm... I'm gaining a sister.
I'm gaining a sister.
I'm gaining a sister.
Is this, like, real?
this is-this is like, weird.
This is like, some weird, like,
alternate universe.
And I love you, too.
Who is she
always on the phone with?
I had to make a call-or,
I had to answer.
Who is calling,
was that your mommy?
Yes, it was my mommy.
Oh, shit!
Seth, get the fuck out of here!
What the fuck are you doing?!
- Oh, my God!
- Get the fuck out of here!
- I just want to...
Dude, get out, get out!
- Jesus... Christ!
- Is he gone?
He's gone.
Oh, rise and shine! Oh!
- Really?
- Oh! Come on.
Oh! Oh, you look so pretty.
Are you ready to hit the road?
You just-you can go like
- You guys.
- I'm gonna need my pills.
You need your pills.
Is Carly alive?
Did you-did you
fuck Carly to death?
Get the fuck out of here.
Okay, we got...
...Look what daddy got?
World Series.
I am totally amped about this
Yeah, you seem like it.
Right now...
...You need to get
the fuck out of the room.
Whose broad stripes
and bright stars
Thru the perilous fight,
O'er the ramparts
we watched
Were so
gallantly streaming?
And the rocket's red glare
The bombs bursting in air
Sports! Sports! Sports!
Gave proof
through the night
That our flag
was still there
Oh, say does that
Lauren, are you having fun?
Not 2,500 dollars worth of fun.
But Ross is having fun.
O'er the land of the free
And the home
of the brave!
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Okay, I'm into America again.
How you feeling?
- Headaches.
Are you-are you
getting those a lot?
I'm just... I'm feeling
very tired and weak.
Truthfully, I just want
to lay down and fucking die.
We have to finish
the movie, okay?
We will finish the movie.
I just want to do
everything you want to do.
I want you to finish your list.
We will.
Where's Lauren?
- She's asleep.
Everything all right
between you guys?
Yeah, things are good.
Let's go.
So we
backtracked 1,500 miles to Vegas.
So that Carly and Ross can
finally concentrate their
love according to the
traditions of our religion:
we worship Satan.
I've seen Ross
with a lot of girls before,
but I've never
really seen him in love.
I hardly recognized him.
Oh, my God.
- Right?
- You look
absolutely beautiful!
Extrie, extrie,
read all about it!
I'm engaged to a bitch!
Extrie, extrie.
What am I doing?
It's crazy.
You're getting married.
Right, I'm cra-do you
think I'm crazy?
For marrying Ross?
- No, you're doing your job.
I just... I don't know, it's not
really like that, anymore.
- Really?
- I'm so fucked.
I'm so fucked.
- You're falling for him?
- You don't want to?
- No, I don't want to!
Lauren, he's dying,
are you serious?
I know.
What are you going to do?
I guess I'll-I'll just
see him through it, right?
What am I supposed to do?
I love him!
I love the asshole.
That looks awful.
It looks so bad.
What do you do?
I mean, is it...?
It literally,
if-it's like your fingers,
are like... they-they're all
broken, like they're rubber.
Like they don't
have any bones in them.
You're in rare form
Oh, God, help me!
A, that smells!
Smells good!
B, don't judge me.
Stop it.
Oh! Oh!
Amazing Grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
There you go.
Do you promise to always love
her tender,
never leave her in Heartbreak
and always be her hunka-hunka
burning love?
I do.
There you go.
'Til death do you part, honey?
I do.
We do have something called
the pre-nupted rights here.
What is that?
It just takes a second.
Whoa, whoa, hey!
Hey, hey, hey!
Lauren is awesome, she's an
awesome person.
I'm a piece of shit. I'm
I'm a piece of shit, dude!
She's awesome.
You're not a piece of shit.
I'm a piece of shit.
Lauren's fucking
You had too much to drink.
Bitch, but you're awesome.
Next stop, New Orleans.
That's gonna be my last stop.
What are you talking about?
You don't want me going along.
- Of course I do.
- No, you don't.
- Yeah, I do.
This whole thing is like
an excuse for you to get out
of marrying me
and it's pathetic.
Is that what you think?
Look, you proposed to me,
and if you don't want
to get married, it's fine.
Do you want to get married?
I don't know if I do or not.
I don't like
seeing this side of you.
What side of me?
You're turning his death
into your little project.
You're so fucking wrong.
This is his idea.
- Yeah, he's the one...
- ... Are you sure?
He wanted to do this.
'Cause I seem to recall when
we first started planning
that you'd rather spend the
money on making a movie.
- I was kidding.
- Really?
'Cause that's what
we're doing right now.
What a crazy coincidence.
I mean, is Ross even sick?
He looks fine.
Fuck you!
Get your fucking camera
out of my face.
Lauren wanted to stay out.
I wanted to go home.
Ross handed me the keys.
How had it come to this?
Am-Am I provoking her?
Is that...?
I think you're provoking her.
The next day, she was gone.
I wanted to talk to Ross
but how could I burden him
with my problems when his
were so much heavier?
How's it going?
Oh, look at your little doggy.
- How you doing?
- I'm alright.
What's wrong?
I don't know.
I'm just...
You okay?
I'm really fucking scared.
Shit, man.
I just can't stop
fucking thinking about it.
Halfway through Arkansas,
the pain got so bad
that Ross had checked himself
into the emergency room
overnight to get more pills.
And a much-needed spongebath.
- How's he doing?
- Better now.
His dick was really dirty.
Is that elephant tusk?
Do you think a cane
would be better or a walker?
I don't know, man,
it's up to you.
How do you feel?
- I want a fucking cane,
I'm not gonna spend the rest
of my life in a goddamn walker.
- I know, but is it gonna work?
- Is it gonna be enough?
'Cause I'm getting wasted
so I won't be able to...
help ya.
I'm just...
...Really? In this time?
I'm just joking.
Let's get this one.
The campy one?
All right.
Hey, Ross?
We should get you some...
...Some diapers. If that's
Will you get them for me? I
don't want to buy those.
All right, first one
to piss themselves wins.
Got it.
I'm peeing right now.
No, you aren't.
I'm peeing.
Are you really?
Jesus Christ.
Oh, my God.
Is it working?
Is it holding it?
I feel like I'm peeing all
over the bed.
You might be.
I hope I'm not.
That felt really-yeah, I won.
That felt really weird.
I feel like I'm sitting in my
Staring at me like I'm on
Toddlers And Tiaras?
Oh, are you like...
Is this a thing for you?
It's nice, ay?
- Pretty fucking cool.
Should we wake up Ross?
- No, let's let him sleep.
- Okay.
Seth, I think... I think we
should take him to a doctor.
No, I think he's been to
enough doctors at this point.
Well... I've been doing some
research and I have this
friend who's a radiology
oncologist whatever and...
...he was talking to me about
this experimental treatment
with stem cells
and I feel like... maybe...
like Ross
could be eligible for that...
- ... Look.
- ... Or if they just talked.
- ... Look, listen, listen.
- ... Or...
...Ross isn't
going back in the hospital.
He's already
made up his mind about that.
All right?
It's just, what if he
changes his mind, you know?
Like, if we just
take him back to L.A....
...We're not
going back to L.A.
I got something awesome planned
for us in Ohio.
It's part of his list.
It's just, what if we both
talked to him and tell him
what it is and see if he
wants to try it!
Listen, Carly, no offense,
don't take this personally,
but for the last two years
me and Ross have tried
every fucking treatment
available to mankind,
all right?
Do you get that?
And all of the sudden,
...Listen! You come along,
a prostitute, right?
Who's known Ross for two weeks
and you got some former john
with some life-saving
experimental treatment you
want him to roll the dice on.
Like, look, no thank you.
We're gonna take
a pass on that, all right?
We hired you to do a job.
To keep Ross happy.
You get that? This is not gonna
keep Ross happy.
So, do your fucking job,
okay, or go home!
Let's go check
out the fucking view.
One, two, three, four!
Look, they all created Facebook.
Those Winklevii
are some strong rowers.
I want you
to do something for me.
After you die,
I want you to let me know
if there's anything
afterwards, okay?
Just I'm gonna-I'm gonna
take a pottery class.
And when I'm spinning the clay,
I want you to come up behind
me and I want you to, uh,
I want to feel you inside me.
I just want
you-I just want you there.
- You want me to Swayze you?
- I want you to Swayze me.
Could you do that for me?
Could you do it?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I'll Swayze you.
- You'll Swayze me?
Yeah, I think we're having
this great heart-to-heart
brother and brother moment...
- ... We are!
...And then you
ask me to Swayze you.
I'm very serious about that.
I-I-I'm seriously saying yes.
I will.
I-you will be my Demi Moore.
Fucking dick!
Come on, man.
Let's go.
Put your arm over me.
Let's go.
All right, welcome, welcome,
welcome, welcome, welcome, everybody.
You're probably wondering
who the fuck am I?
I-I'm just a guy who really
loves his brother
and wanted to throw him one last
big, "fuck it all" party!
Let me introduce to you
guys, my brother, Ross.
Thank you.
I can't believe you did this for
me, I love you brother.
Tonight... get weird!
Fuck a stranger.
Don't drink responsibly!
Don't do the walk of shame because
it's not the walk of shame
if you have a clean pair of
panties in your purse
and you're not ashamed about it.
I know you're not!
I know you're not!
And without further ado,
please welcome
Mr. I-Love-College himself,
Asher Roth.
Let's go, baby!
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
If you have a hand, would you
please put it in the air?
Shout out to that
motherfuckin' Ross.
Fucking Ross is dying and he came here
tonight to hang out with you guys.
Just let it be known man, I love
you motherfuckers, all right?
What's going on, Carly?
You okay?
Yeah, fuck him!
Fuck him.
- Why?
'Cause he says
all this fucking shit.
But do you think that maybe that
has to do with his tumor?
He's confused.
He's got a fucking brain tumor.
You expect him to just be like,
normal Ross.
I'm not expecting him
to be anything.
It's gonna get worse.
Are you gonna stick around
when it gets worse?
Do you have a lighter?
See, this is what it means to be
in it for the long haul, Carly.
You don't have a lighter?
You don't have a lighter?
Do you guys have a lighter?
Does anyone have a lighter?!
Jesus Christ!
What's wrong?
Remember that guy?
The doctor...
- Yeah.
- ...client or whatever?
What about him?
I called him a couple days ago.
Why would you call him?
Just listen, I was talking
to him about you...
and so I told him about
your diagnosis and...
he was saying they might be
able to do this...
clinical trial that
he's working on...
- Jesus Christ.
- ...and I guess they use like stem cells
from aborted fetus'
or something.
I'm not putting a fucking
aborted fetus inside my brain.
Can you just listen to me
for a second, please.
He sounded like,
really positive, like...
like it could work.
We talked about this
at the very beginning.
I don't want to go back
to a doctor.
I don't want to go back
to a fucking hospital.
Now you're bringing it up?
I'm fucking shitting myself.
I can't barely walk.
I can't see out of my eye.
And now,
"Oh hey, let's try it now."
Now that I'm all fucked up,
"Let's try this now."
Awesome, is he going to bring
my fucking eye sight back?
You know what?
I fucking understand why
you've never been in love.
Because you're a fucking
selfish asshole.
And you don't
give a fuck about me
or your family or your brother.
You just--
you can't do this to me!
I'm not gonna fucking do it!
Look, I'm sorry, all right?
I didn't know
you felt like that.
All right, let's...
Let's go.
I'll get the treatment,
all right?
What do you mean?
The fucking treatment.
I'll do it.
I was being an asshole.
Try it.
You will?
I love you.
In five days,
we would fly back to Los Angeles
to begin experimental
stem cell therapy.
Ross was weak...
but hopeful.
As Ross began
consulting on the phone with his team
of doctors in Los Angeles, I felt
a mixture of hope, relief...
and a new kind of sadness that I
was struggling to understand.
All of these people, all of
these patients are still alive.
What are you guys doing?
What are you looking at?
Is that the clinical
trial stuff?
Yeah, I just want to know what
I'm getting into, you know?
What are the side effects?
The usual...
hair loss, chocolate penis.
The ushe
Chocolate penis?
Mm-hmm, I'm happy about it.
She loves chocolate.
It's a win-win.
What about you?
What do you mean?
What are you gonna do
when I'm all better?
I'm gonna fucking celebrate.
I'm gonna drink a fuckin' gallon
of hobo's blood
and just walk the streets
in my nudity.
Are you capable of having
a serious conversation?
Uh, I can try.
I feel like you guys are about
to do an intervention on me.
I'm just wondering.
- No, I mean, look...
I love you...
and you've been awesome to me for
the last two-and-a-half years
for going through all this shit
with me and...
documenting it and I get
all of it but...
What the fuck has
happened to you?
What do you mean?
What do I mean?
Look... look at yourself.
- Look at this guy in the fucking mirror?
What do you see there?
I see
David Schwimmer with a Mohawk.
- Like the love child of...
Bette Midler
and David Schwimmer.
and you know that I love you and I
think you're fucking hilarious...
But truthfully, that's a guy
who's lost right there.
You've lost Lauren,
you lost your fianc.
Jesus Christ, you lost most of
your hair...
With a razor... and you just
keep joking around about it.
It seems like when I got sick,
you started drinking,
you started getting
more out of control
and living like it was
your last day on earth.
Now you don't have Lauren,
you don't have a fianc,
you're getting fucked up
all the time.
What's-- What's gonna happen?
Either this works and I live
and I go on and live my life
with her...
What life do you go back to?
Who do you go home to at night?
'Cause eventually this is gonna
end one way or another.
Like either, like I'm going
to die or I'm going to live,
but the party's gotta fuckin
stop at some point.
When the party was over...
What would I be left with?
And what would I be
left without?
We're engaged!!
This is like hours later.
But we've had a lot of steak
and a lot of wine
and Florence has treated us
very well.
- We wanted to tell you.
All of you.
- All of you.
That we love...
- Our public.
...our public.
- Okay, love you!
So what just happened?
Seth just proposed to me,
in Florence.
And I thought that
he was absolutely
100 thousand million
percent not.
I cannot even...
I'm really surprised.
Like, I still have to sit down.
I have not gotten up
from this chair.
This is where it happened.
He kneeled down,
and we're in Florence.
He was sitting here,
he looked really scared
and I did not know why, um...
Should we reenact it for them?
- No.
So with the
last of our wedding money,
I flew down to Maryland
and went to Lauren's parents'
house to make a grand gesture.
In a rented tuxedo
and a white horse.
Seth what are you doing
on a horse?
Is Lauren home?
I don't think she
wants to see you right now.
Her parents told
me that she didn't want to see me,
and she finally came outside so
that I could make my case.
I told her that I knew
I'd been an asshole.
I'd made her feel
like an outsider.
It was all my fault and there
was no excuse I could make
that would justify my behavior.
But it was up to her to decide
if she could forgive me.
At the end of the day, I think
the horse and the outfit
did most of the work.
Later that afternoon,
Lauren and I flew back
to New York together
to meet up with Ross and Carly.
Everyone's leaving the ice.
I know.
We'll go, we'll go...
Let's just take our time.
So we're making our way back?
Ow, my foot.
Let's make our way back,
everyone's leaving.
I know, hold on one second.
I think my...
I think one of my laces
might have come undone...
Is it-- Is it alright?
- No, I was just checking my lace.
- Let's go.
Hey baby?
I uh...
I wanted to tell you...
I'm so, uh...
I'm so sorry for what happened
when we were in, uh...
Las Vegas... and when you gave
the ring back to me,
it was like the worst day
of my life.
But uh...
I wanna tell you that...
I love you so much.
- Oh my God.
What are you doing?
- And...
- What are you doing?
I want-- I want you back.
And I wanna do it
for real this time.
So I want you to tell--
- Oh my God... oh my god.
Oh my God!
- Basically...
- What are you doing?!
Oh my God!
- Basically...
Will you marry me?
Oh my God!!
- It's not going on.
- Oh my God.
- What do you say?
- Yes.
- Yes?
- Yes.
Come here, come here.
- What is this?
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Oh, thank you!
- Congratulations!
- Thank you so much!
Oh my God.
You okay?
I'm okay.
With two days left before
his treatment was scheduled to begin.
Ross decided it was finally
time to go home.
There she is.
Hey, Mom!
- Good Lord!
Haven't seen you for awhile!
Good to see you.
- Good to see you.
- Hi!
- I'm Ross' mom, Sandra.
This is Carly.
Nice to meet you.
Come on in!
So how long have you known Ross?
Um like, like a month or two.
A month or two?
- Mm-hm.
Well you seem happy.
You seem like a cute couple.
Yeah, we are.
Can I tell you something?
Do I want to know?
We're married.
Get out...
Yeah, seriously!
You heard the good news!
Yeah, what a surprise.
- Yeah.
Uh, I really don't know
what to say...
Uh, you and your brother
kept this from me?
Yes, we did because we knew
you'd freak out.
Ok so... You've got that right.
I am freaking out.
Are you pregnant by any chance?
No, no.
- No!
Wait, there was...
- Oh, right...
- a night in Austin where we...
Uh, no, no, no, I don't want
to know about that.
Totally kidding, I don't--
Don't wanna know that one.
- No.
- Umm...
I know--
Did she say congratulations?
- Uh, well...
- Seth she is not stoked.
- Yeah...
I think the congratulations
needs to wait a little bit.
In that, so....
What are you shooting here?
It's like a--
It's their wedding video.
The wedding video?
Oh, okay.
Do you think maybe you would have
let your Dad and I know about it?
Uh, it was a very
spontaneous thing.
- I guess, okay...
- Yeah, in Vegas.
Oh, okay.
You should show
her the pictures.
Yeah, we should and I would love
to show you those pictures,
but right now I am exhausted
and I just need to go
lie down for a minute.
Uh, but please know,
I am in love with this girl
and she is fantastic...
I will be happy to tell you the
entire story after I get up.
All right,
well go lie down and, uh...
she and I will sit
and talk for a while.
- Seth, do you want to tell
her what that voice means...
or should I?
- Yeah.
I'm super tired to and I would--
- Yeah, yeah.
Wow, wait 'til your Dad
hears this.
I... yeah...
So what the fuck's going on?
He looks awful.
He just, um...
We've just been like drinking
and traveling and stuff.
It's just a long time on the road
and he hurt his leg, it's not a big deal...
All right, well then,
we'll let him get some rest,
we'll cook out some steaks and
you know, we'll just
hang out a little bit.
How'd the two
of you meet anyway?
Let's talk a little bit.
Uh, we actually...
Seth introduced us.
How did you meet her, Seth?
Uh, at the...
- We were at the bar.
- ...the bar!
- At Tim's bar.
- At Tim's bar.
Yeah, she was uh...
she was there with
some of her friends.
It was weird because she had just
gotten back from a deep sea dive
and she was still, uh...
feeling the effects
of the oxygen deprivation,
so I think Ross appeared
to her as a... as a catch.
And uh, when she recovered from
the, uh, oxygen deficiency,
it was too late.
Seth is telling a
bullshit story of how we met,
which is awesome.
Like, the oxygen deficiency...
See, this is why I won't
scuba dive 'cause, you know,
that shit will, you know,
mess up your mind.
Back home, grilling
steaks in the cold with Dad,
with Lauren in love
with me again...
Ross and Carly happy,
and Mom laughing.
I wanted to hold onto
this moment forever.
That was why I think Ross never
told them how sick he was.
He didn't want to ruin any more
of their days than he had to.
I'll take both dogs, too.
Oh, you will?
Can you tell him
to stop filming?
Hi... You have to stop filming.
- You need to stop filming.
- Why?
The light is amazing right now.
- Yeah, you have to stop.
Can you just stop please?
I don't think I can stand.
You know, this is my favorite
place in the entire world.
Better than the Grand Canyon,
Vegas or Niagara Falls.
I don't think there's
anything better than just...
being home...
with your family, you know?
I haven't had that
in a lot of years.
Where are they?
They're all dead.
What happened?
My dad killed my mom
and my sister and himself.
Jesus Christ,
Carly I'm so sorry.
He tried to kill me too but...
I ran away.
How old were you?
I was 13.
My sister was 15.
Well you are part of the
family now, Mrs. Patterson.
So they're your family too.
I'm really tired.
I should get home and rest.
This was the last
shot I got of Ross on camera.
In the end, the stem cell
treatment didn't work.
I wanted to turn his death
into something else.
A work of art,
an experiment in cinema,
a consolation.
it became this artifact.
And I'm still
digging through it,
trying to find my brother...
trying to find myself.