5683 (2025) Movie Script
[music playing]
[keyboard clicking]
[MUSIC - CIRA GRANDI, "SAY IT AIN'T SO"]
All these little things driving me crazy
I just want to be free
All these feelings got me seeing hazy
I can barely breathe
There's no point in tryna chase me
Only one thing I need
Oh, no, say it ain't so
I do what I want
And I don't like no
Oh no, if there's one thing you should know
Say it ain't so
[sighs]
MAN (ON TV): The liquor
flows as freely as secrets,
the depths of desire run deep...
In Carrsville.
[moaning]
What is it, my love?
We cannot keep doing this.
We're just so good at it.
I'm talking about the contracts.
Oh, those.
I think it's best if you keep
your pen on the contracts
and out of my inbox.
I love it when you talk stationery.
I am serious.
I don't want to have to choose.
We can do both, but not at the same time.
I disagree.
Then I quit.
You should quit him.
BEAUMONT: You can't quit.
Girl, his old love cannot be that good.
BEAUMONT: You're under contract, and I
see a couple places to initial.
And there's definitely
a signature required.
Shut up and kiss me.
Yet here I am, watching Deep in Carrsville
alone at 6:00 PM on a Saturday.
ESPERANZA: Yes!
Yes!
[music - chantry smith, "money"]
Like clockwork.
(SINGING) Ooh, Benji, you're so sexy
Give this girl a heart attack
Looking so green these days
I love me some gray sweatpants.
(SINGING) Wash my hair with you
VANESSA: Oh, good boy.
You're a good boy.
I can call you a good boy.
I'll call you whatever you want.
(SINGING) I got it bad for you
When I'm holding you
I get so hot
ESPERANZA: Yes!
Fuck!
BEAUMONT (ON TV): Yes!
Fuck, fuck!
ESPERANZA (ON TV): Yes!
Yes!
Everything all right?
BEAUMONT (ON TV): Oh!
ESPERANZA (ON TV): Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
I'm coming.
Coming!
[knocking on door]
ADRIAN: Hello?
I'll be right there.
Hey. Hi.
Hey.
Sorry, I thought I heard a ruckus.
Ruckus?
Yeah, like a Spanish DJ, but the beat never
dropped, just some noises.
Noises?
Oh.
Oh, I was...
Yeah.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry to interrupt.
I need to learn when not to knock.
Huh?
Have a great night.
You clearly already have.
Congratulations.
Big load.
OK.
Sorry to interrupt?
[notification]
This should be fun.
Oh, fuck me.
[MUSIC - CIRA GRANDI,
"SAY IT AIN'T SO"] Oh,
no, say it ain't so
I do what I want, and I don't like no
Oh, no, if there's one
thing you should know
Say it ain't so
It was so embarrassing I don't
know why we have to drink here.
Check that out.
Oh, god.
Can't we have one night without
a douche bag disturbance?
Hey.
Ladies, I couldn't help but notice you...
From across the bar.
Really.
You're going to have
to do better than that.
This is my night out from my
husband and my infant son.
Make me want you.
Make me need you.
You two have a good night.
Oh, come on.
Oh, well, that was fun.
[music playing]
Hey.
Thanks.
Hey, girls.
Filling your lull?
Lull?
Well, that's a cute name for it.
I'd go more with the endless abyss.
And that's fitting for you.
VANESSA: Don't be mean.
What'd I miss?
I let Captain one-liner know what he'd need
to do to get all this.
And he doubted himself, so he left.
I see nothing wrong here.
Exactly.
Thank you.
It's just like oral sex.
If I want to be licked
like an ice cream cone,
he better not be a dog lapping water.
That was very graphic.
Thank you.
It's true.
You got to spell things out for these men.
You gotta tell them constantly.
Pull my hair.
Slap my ass.
Please, fuck me in my ass already.
You do not have to tell them.
They are always trying to do that.
Time to change the subject.
Children are present.
Sorry I'm late.
Are you leaving soon?
We have at least one more drink left.
And what are you ladies talking about?
Anal sex.
VANESSA: Layla.
Tell me, have you let
Ward in the back door yet,
or is he still doing missionary work?
Olivia.
It's all right.
I mean, this is girl talk, right?
Exactly.
So back door?
Why use the back door when
the front porch is so beautiful?
Oh.
She got you there, bitch.
I wasn't trying to get anyone.
And here you are getting married.
And yet Vanessa here, who
is still trying to get anyone,
is single.
OK, uh-uh, no.
How did this get turned back around on me?
Adrian!
No, don't bring Adrian over here.
Are you just scared because
you don't have the security
of your front door?
Yes.
All I'm saying here is I'm meant
to be single for the rest of
my life, and I'm OK with that.
But you?
You need a man.
That's so mean.
All right, the usuals.
Grab them if you want them.
Come to mama.
All right.
And water.
That's right.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Adrian, Adrian.
One could say this place is
our Luke's Diner, our MacLaren's,
our Central Perk, if you will.
I will.
Have you ever seen Vanessa here with a man?
I can't say that I have, no.
And these two lovely ladies?
Yeah, I've seen James
and Ward here a time or two.
Huh.
A time or two.
Now do her.
Do her?
I'm on the clock.
I can't do that, especially
in front of an audience.
Performance anxiety, it's a problem.
Let me know if you need anything.
We'd put on quite a show.
Olivia, isn't he a stand-up comedian?
That does not prove approve anything.
Oh, other than Mr. Houghton's
keen attention to detail.
If Adrian can see that you need to fix it,
then imagine what everyone else sees.
OK.
I do not need to fix anything.
Are you going to tell Layla that
she needs to have another baby
to fix her broken marriage?
My marriage isn't broken.
Yeah, exactly.
I didn't say it.
Well, we are trying for another, though.
What?
Why?
We're not really trying.
I think I want more, but James doesn't.
He's just in a rut, little distant.
Oh, isn't he working on a big deal?
The biggest.
Trust me, that takes a lot out of you.
When my office was deciding which
pharmaceutical sales rep to go through,
that led to some sleepless nights.
Right, because that's the same thing.
All I'm saying here is our friend
Vanessa is the most
deliberately wishy-washy man
selector in the whole world.
Maybe she's boy sober?
No, because that's a choice.
[giggling]
You need to stop looking
for your Prince Charming
and find yourself a BBW.
A new car?
Big, beautiful woman.
A big, bad wolf.
He has the eyes to see
you, the ears to hear you,
and the tongue to eat you up.
Oh, dear.
My god, that's hot.
I'm wet.
Did you spill your drink?
No.
Let me know if you find one of those.
Why?
Because I married Prince
Charming's accountant, OK?
The only thing that man
is using his tongue for
is stamps and envelopes.
This is why you need to
know what you're looking for.
I don't.
I have no clue.
OK, what about him?
VANESSA: The one you just...
No, he's seen things.
OLIVIA: This is fun.
What about that guy?
VANESSA: He's too tall.
OLIVIA: Oh, and him?
VANESSA: No self-confidence.
OK.
What about him?
I think he has a girlfriend, probably.
Four men, all no, for different reasons.
You don't know what you want.
Your experimentation is flawed.
So is everyone here.
I'm just saying, you need to pick
a core characteristic, physical or not,
and we'll build from there.
ELIZABETH: Like doctor Frankenstein.
No, sweetie, it's metaphorically speaking.
No, let's do it. Let's do it.
Let's build you a man.
Who's got the time?
Fuck, I gotta go.
No.
Yep, James is on his way to pick me up.
We have to relieve the sitter.
Come on.
Her overtime rate will break me.
Oh, to be the girl on a party bus.
Huh?
Paradise is a party bus
with a full tank of gas.
Really?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
What happens on a party
bus never happened at all.
You really should quit.
I only do it on girls nights.
Studies show...
That I don't give a shit?
No, that we are in the
right place at the right time.
Look.
What demographic are they going for?
Us.
You.
You're the demographic.
What am I missing?
The core characteristic.
Exactly.
See?
She's the smart one.
OK, Vanessa, it's time to send a message
and find the name of your one true love.
OK, those things never work.
OK, let's see, what's the number?
It's 5, 68, 3.
Oh, that's cute.
It spells "love."
OK, who'd you get?
[notification]
It doesn't matter who I get.
You're right.
The experiment needs a control.
You know what?
If she gets Ward, I'll send a text.
[notification]
ELIZABETH: Oh, my god.
I got him.
Holy shit.
ELIZABETH: I knew it.
It was true love.
You should see if you get James.
I don't think so.
That has already been established.
[notification]
And of course.
Anybody know a Sam Brown?
OK, your turn.
Who's the lucky guy?
You're really serious.
We need that core characteristic.
It's for science.
For science.
For science.
OK.
OK, fine.
So we get a name, and then what?
We find him, so you don't
have to be alone at my wedding.
Find who?
Who are we looking for?
No one, honey.
Hey, when did you start smoking?
Oh, she doesn't.
She was just holding it for me.
Well, when did you start?
That's pretty new.
She only does it on girls nights.
What else do girls do on girls nights?
Oh, well, right now we're finding
Vanessa a man through science.
It's not science.
So you going to send that text?
Yeah, you should send the text.
It's for science.
This is so exciting.
OK, let's see.
Looks like we are in search of...
[notification]
Ooh, a Rusty Anderson.
Ooh.
What?
It's a good name.
[music playing]
You see?
You can't quit us.
I can do whatever I want.
Well, then why this?
You can love your career, but that
doesn't mean that your
career will love you back.
I want this.
So back to the contracts.
I can think of a couple of
places that I forgot to initial.
[music playing]
(SINGING) Stepping into the fold
Staring at the unknown
It's got a way of showing
us where we need to go
Walking into the sea
Staying light on your feet
It's got a way of showing up in our dreams
Ah!
Whoa.
Hey.
What the fuck?
VANESSA: You dropped that.
Oh.
Where'd you come from?
I was just sitting right there.
Oh, just watching me?
Yeah.
No.
Didn't say anything?
Oh, I actually didn't see an opportunity
between your audition
for Dancing with the Stars
and American Idol.
OK, well, to be honest, I'm perfecting
my Magic Mike routine.
Is that one yours?
VANESSA: Oh, yeah.
Did you let it sit-in cold water
and detergent to soften it?
Why would I do that?
Stains.
Oh.
Oh, no.
No, that is... that is not what that is.
Oh, this isn't semen laundry Sunday?
What?
Weekend tradition.
Sinner Saturday leads to Sunday service,
where you pray your dirty, dirty sins
away and wash them down the river,
like baby Jeebus wants you to.
You do need Jesus because that was yogurt.
Right.
He got his yogurt on your face.
Been there, done that.
No.
There was no he.
There was no he.
I was eating yogurt and
watching Deep In Carrsville.
Yeah, I love that show.
Come on.
No man loves Deep in Carrsville.
Last time I checked, I'm a
man, and I love that show.
You love Dick?
I fucking love Dick.
OK?
Oh, the shirt and everything.
Yeah.
Limited edish.
You know, aside from my family, there's
not much I love more than Dick.
- Oh.
- I take that back.
There's a couple people I
don't love as much as Dick.
Oh, yeah?
Most of my early childhood memories
are me loving Dick, long
and hard into the night.
All right.
Bit's over.
Too far.
Well, if that's too far, you've obviously
never been to one of my shows.
I've actually seen a couple.
Come on.
Me and the girls, we
usually sit in the back
and leave pretty early, unless Olivia needs
to fill her lull or something.
Olivia?
Yeah, that makes sense.
You fucked Olivia.
God, no.
No, no.
I've seen her putting on her moves.
On you?
Yeah, on me.
I told her no, and she moved on.
But I'm a catch, lady.
I am sure you are.
I am.
I believe you.
- I'm a catch.
- Yeah.
I mean, I'm looking at you.
Ask my mom.
I'm sure she's a lovely lady.
[phone ringing]
I'm sorry.
I have to take this.
To be continued?
Yeah.
Hello?
[phone ringing]
[music playing]
I thought you said it was stupid.
It's for a new ad campaign.
Work, work, work.
Products don't sell themselves.
Except for the ShamWow.
That was a one-off.
Are you here to spy on me?
Give me shit?
Do you miss me?
All of that.
And I brought you coffee.
You know, all this working isn't healthy.
You should find some time
off for yourself tomorrow.
Speaking of time off,
shouldn't you be getting back?
Or are you too scared?
Scared?
From what I hear about
those prepubescent bastards,
they should be scared of me.
I ain't taking no shit.
Spoken like a true
eighth-grade English teacher.
Wait, what's tomorrow?
You're meeting me for lunch.
Uh, where?
Cuddles.
Say 11:00.
We're having lunch at your kid's daycare?
I have questions.
Come back.
Layla!
[music playing]
Please don't tap on the glass.
They don't like that.
Wouldn't want to scare the fish.
No, it's for the children.
Right, because fish have
an organ that detects the...
Do you have a child here?
No, I'm meeting someone.
This isn't a place where
people go to meet people.
Hey, you made it.
Yes.
Do you know her?
Yeah, she's a friend of mine.
She was tapping on the glass.
Oh.
Oh, they don't like that.
OK.
Why am I here?
See the little baby over there?
VANESSA: Yeah.
LAYLA: Let me introduce
you to little Rusty Anderson.
He's a little young.
He's a junior.
Don't make me stand between
you and the window, ma'am.
It wasn't me.
We have rules.
So that's his daddy?
LAYLA: Soon to be your daddy.
I am not dressed for this.
OK, first of all, the suit is great,
but you're not going out till
Wednesday, so you're fine.
Oh, so you're my pimp now?
Maybe, yeah.
Oh.
You must be my...
My hump day surprise.
I hope that's not my nickname.
Oh, of course not.
No, Layla said we'd have
brunch down at the cafe.
Oh.
Yeah, that'd be great.
Awesome.
All righty.
Well, I... I'll see you then.
OK.
When you said lunch, I didn't
know that I was on the menu.
He's cute, right?
Very, but...
But what?
He's a dad.
Well, look at it this way.
You'll be a mother
without the stretch marks,
and you can keep your freedom because kid's
not really your responsibility.
I don't think it works like that.
We don't know how it works.
What we do know is we
have the core characteristic.
I'm glad you're having fun.
Oh no.
We could try something else.
What could be more fun than this?
Ma'am.
Bitch.
Vanessa, I am so sorry.
It is totally fine, Rusty.
Don't worry.
It's Russ.
Rusty's my son.
Is everything all right?
Yeah.
We had an accident.
Oh my god, are you OK?
Yeah, we're fine.
There was just a massive blowout.
It got up his back
and a little in his hair,
and it just required a whole bath.
Anyway, what do you say?
Let's eat.
So, little Russ is a year
and a half old, then?
Little Rusty.
Little Rusty is 13 months,
so he's getting there.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
So you guys seem pretty close.
Quite the father son duo.
The closest.
He's my little guy, for sure.
We eat together, we play
together, we sleep together,
and we even bathe together.
Oh, bathe.
Yeah, it's just for time management.
And the sleeping together?
RUSS: He wouldn't have it any other way.
He's real bed hog, that one.
So how do you see yourself
managing single fatherhood while
in a relationship?
Let's just make it through our first meal
together before you start playing stepmom.
Am I right?
Of course.
Silly me.
Speaking of, where is Rusty's mom?
Let me put it this way.
There's two types of
people in this world, Pedro
Pascal fans and the rest of us.
You mean Pedro...
Oh.
Yeah, I don't get it either.
I keep telling her that it's
not even him behind the mask
most of the times.
So... no.
My bad.
So where is she now?
All I know is that she has no faith
in me when the zombies come.
Maybe she's looking for a real daddy.
If somebody doesn't want to stick around,
why would I want them to be?
Here.
Oh my god, no.
No.
[phone ringing]
I have to take this.
Thank god you got my SOS text.
Russ isn't working out?
He just tried to baby bird me.
No, he didn't.
I watched him chew the food.
Oh, that type of baby birding.
Well, flee the nest, my little chickadee.
So the camera shows a
car pull up with your plates.
A man fitting your
description exits the vehicle.
This man assaults another
man, who identified you.
And here you are with a
bandaged hand, the same hand
that the assailant used.
And yet you are using the Shaggy defense?
It wasn't me.
And he went on and on about
how he hated Pedro Pascal.
Who doesn't love Pedro Pascal?
Right?
Oh, but the baby birding thing, ugh.
I couldn't.
I couldn't.
Don't knock it till you try it.
You're making it sexual.
I'm not.
I'm not.
OK, shut up.
Forget about it.
Guess what.
I found your Russell.
If he was on your
docket, I'm not interested.
I never slept with him.
He used to be a client.
But you just said you never slept with him.
Bitch, I got him off on a misdemeanor.
Let the record show you did get him off.
I already told him you
would meet him for drinks.
First Layla, and now you.
You guys are killing me.
I didn't think I'd have to
use this, but you owe me.
How do I owe you?
Ad agent of the quarter.
I don't know, Harriet.
Sometimes I can't and
don't want to do anything.
You just need to get tea bagged.
I don't think that that's what I need.
Donovan?
Dear, it's almost that time.
Yes, certainly, dear.
Oh, I see we have company.
Shall I teabag your friend?
HARRIET: I'm sure she'll love it.
Oh, I'm sure I'll love it, too.
You two get comfortable.
You heard.
Go ahead.
Your tea.
Oh.
Oh, why thank you, love.
We're actually talking about tea.
Of course.
What did you think I meant?
ANNOUNCER: Get tea bagged today.
Find Donovan's all
natural, old-fashioned tea
at a store near you.
Or you can order online at donovansoldfashi
onedteabagging.com.
That one idea did not
make my whole quarter.
Maybe not.
But every woman in the area wanted
to be tea bagged after that.
I still have no idea how
that got past the online filters.
Who cares?
I already set it up.
You're going.
Thanks for your support.
Anytime.
[music playing]
There's something I'd like to say to you.
Ever since the accident,
the amnesia had me shackled
in the darkness of my mind.
And I might not remember everything,
but you have brought me into the light.
This is what I needed
to know, that you cared.
I more than care, Esperanza.
I love you.
No, no, no.
Wait.
Esperanza?
I've never loved anyone like this
or been loved by anyone this much.
Beaumont Daniel Richardson field, would you
make me the happiest woman in Carrsville?
I think I can do that.
ESPERANZA (ON TV): I just
cannot believe this is happening.
BEAUMONT (ON TV): I love this ring.
Thank you.
[knocking on door]
ESPERANZA (ON TV): Thank you.
We're going to have a big
party. BEAUMONT (ON TV): OK.
ESPERANZA (ON TV): We're going to have it.
We're going to invite
everyone, your family, my family.
It'll be a lot of music
and a lot of people having
the best day of their lives.
Hey, you're not sneaking
out on me, are you?
Of course not.
You've had a long day,
and I have to get up early.
True.
Dinner tomorrow night?
Yeah.
Dress nice and be good.
Oh, Vanessa.
Adrian.
- How you doing?
- Good.
Great.
Never better.
Oh, this is Vanessa.
Vanessa, my neighbor.
Vanessa, Grace.
Hi.
[phone ringing]
Nice meeting you.
Yes, Mom.
He'll be there.
So you locked out again?
Yep.
ADRIAN: Let me grab maintenance.
[jazz music]
Leaving so soon?
So soon?
You're over an hour and a half late.
Oh, I'm sure I can explain.
Could you move over?
Move over a seat.
Gotta love the scenery.
You're into landscaping?
What?
No.
Are you going to finish that or...
Mind if I?
All right, let's have it.
What?
Here?
All right.
No, your story.
Oh, all right.
To the good stuff, then.
I'm your Russell, body like Crowe,
fashion sense like Simmons.
Love and Thunder?
Try Gladiator.
Unh.
Ow.
OK.
Why were you so late?
Why do you have to live in the past, girl?
Live in the present, and
focus on the future, our future.
[notification]
Anyway, tell me a little about yourself.
Do you need a Chapstick?
What?
No.
No, I'm... I'm good.
I'm real good.
Like I said, your turn.
Why not.
Well, I've been in the advertising business
for about five years, and
I've been an executive for two.
Hey, five and two.
I'm not looking for a math quiz.
Said, what do you do for work?
I'm an ad executive.
[notification]
Are you going to get that?
No.
No, this?
It should be... well, let's...
[phone ringing]
Actually, give me one second.
Go for big Russell.
What?
Tonight?
Are you serious, girl?
Yeah I'm down.
I'm real down.
Give me 20 minutes.
Uh-huh.
No, of course.
I'll be there with bells
on, nothing but bells on.
Ding a ling.
All right.
Bye.
Hey, look, I can be back in about 35
45... 35 minutes.
Leaving so soon?
Look, doll face.
I'm feeling that you're
not feeling what I'm feeling.
And that's an OK feeling.
No, don't.
You can't leave me.
Oh, come on, don't beg.
It's kind of... it's kind of hot.
But mainly, it's kind of sad.
Double chaser.
Well, he looked like a real winner.
Yeah, with a body like Crowe
and fashion sense like Simmons.
And a drinking habit like Brand.
He ogled other girls and
scheduled a booty call
right in front of me.
Men are pigs.
Ooh, [non-English].
What did we learn?
Never trust Olivia.
More like never pay for
your blind date's alcohol.
VANESSA: $300.
That bad, huh.
And don't even get me
started on the lip licking.
Like, I don't even have
a valid explanation for it.
I...
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to hear that, but
kind of happy it didn't work out.
Not you, too.
This Russell looks so good on paper.
Let's just focus on your bachelorette party
and your wedding.
Of course, we can.
My wedding is where
you're going to meet him.
VANESSA: What did you do?
A new coworker is transferring in.
I invited him to the wedding,
and he's excited to meet you.
How is he excited to meet me?
I told him it is almost a guarantee
to go home with the bridesmaid.
Lizzie.
He said he would love to come.
Well, yeah.
You basically served
me up on a silver platter.
You might as well stick
an apple in my mouth.
Why would you put an apple in your mouth?
[MUSIC - SCARLETT SOLO, "GET ON MY LEVEL"]
To the three rings of marriage,
the engagement ring, the
wedding ring, and the suffering.
(SINGING) Get on my level
Stare and they stop
'Cause I flaunt what I want
Yeah, I'm a rebel
I'm going to do what I do
Try to keep up
Ain't no better
So get on my level
How's it going down there
Cause the weather up here is real nice
In my bag, fill it up
I don't even gotta check the price
Work it, take it, slay it
I don't fake it
I don't play it
If you buy it, I'mma break it
Better play nice
Nah, I'm all right
Under the pressure
Winning and pleasure, we go together
Fame and desire
Not today, Coyote Ugly.
Get ready.
Who's he?
We got a party bus.
[cheering]
(SINGING) Get on my level
Walk that walk
And I talk that talk
Get on my level
Stare and they stop
'cause I flaunt what I want
Yeah, I'm a rebel
I'm going to do what I do
Try to keep up
Ain't no one better
So get on my level
Get on my level
I fucking love you guys.
Toast.
Toast sounds really good right now.
With peanut butter.
Adrian, we need peanut butter.
No, no, a toast.
Elizabeth, if Ward loves
you half as much as we do,
you're going to be OK.
But if he loves you more than us, let
me know, and I will kill him.
Hear, hear.
[notification]
ELIZABETH: And where's the toast?
VANESSA: Who died?
All right, ladies, this is
where I take my leave.
No.
Don't do anything illegal.
If you do, I don't take calls before noon.
Have fun.
I love you so much.
I know you do, sweetie.
Did you eat all the toast?
There was no toast.
Why does Adrian hate toast?
All right.
Good night.
Take care of our girls.
I wonder who she's meeting.
She's meeting someone?
She has to be.
I mean, why else would she leave?
We have liquor.
Maybe... maybe she's filling her lull.
Adrian, get the car.
Yes!
Field trip!
Field trip!
Field trip!
Field trip! Field trip!
Field trip!
Field trip!
What is going on?
Well, get your car.
We're going to follow Olivia.
ADRIAN: We are?
We're taking this show on the road.
I always wanted to be circus folk.
Are you sure this is a good idea?
I'll have you know, I am very talented.
I'm sure you are, but this is...
Just get Vanessa to the car.
OK?
I'll take care of this one.
Oh.
Why do you hate toast?
Oh, this is the first time in my life
I found gloves in a glove box.
What are you doing?
Oh.
Adrian, your registration is due.
No, it is not.
Oh, fuck.
Get out of there. Stop.
Calm down.
I'll leave the gun alone,
and I won't tell anyone
about your Nickelback CD.
Leave him alone.
We know how easily distracted he gets.
I do not get easily distracted.
There was that one time you
forgot to bring us our drinks.
New taco place, cool.
And don't get me started on the toast.
Oh, and there was that one time
I was going through
your glove box, and then...
ADRIAN: No.
We're here.
Where's here?
We followed Olivia.
I knew it.
She's meeting a John.
Be nice.
Yeah, he might be a nice guy.
Who?
John.
That's not what she meant.
Only one way to find out.
I have to work in the morning.
Can we...
Key for Olivia?
Thanks.
[music playing]
Is this fun for you guys?
[giggling]
You're not good at hiding.
What's happening?
It's an elevator.
Vertical transport box.
Long, dark shaft you ride up and down on.
It sounds like she got
off on the ninth floor.
There are only three floors in this hotel.
Which one do you think it is then?
It doesn't matter.
We'll find her.
How?
Easy.
We just follow the
scent of sex and tequila.
Or the howling sounds.
[howling]
[dings]
[MUSIC - GEE SMIFF &
INNXCENT, "BURN IT DOWN"]
If I was you, I would be terrified
It's looking bleak
There's blood in the streets
Whoa
A treat for the freaks
They're feeding the beast
Whoa
It's been a week at least
Since moments of peace
Whoa
Increase the heat
I want to watch it burn
[vocalizing]
We make a badass SWAT team.
Badass.
The swattiest.
[music playing]
Is this her room?
Uh-uh.
How do you know?
She's allergic.
Go figure.
The one who gargles
the most nuts is allergic.
Guys let's... let's use these
cups and listen in on the door.
That's why you're the leader.
What the fuck are you guys doing?
Why are you bleeding?
Oh, my god, I'm bleeding?
No, it's just ketchup.
Why?
Psst.
[mumbling]
What?
No.
Room 321.
Go.
How'd you get the key?
I didn't know your name was John.
It's not.
I'm not.
I chatted up the front desk lady.
She gave me the room key.
I'm hot.
Let's go.
[suspenseful music]
Surprise!
What the hell are you guys doing here?
We're circus folk.
Since you couldn't stay at the party,
we figured we'd bring the party to you.
And meet John.
This isn't a good time.
Oh, if it's a stripper, he
can do a quick show for us.
This really... no.
Come on.
A little after party.
This isn't a good time.
Get out!
It's never... never a good time.
But you're James, not John.
What are you doing here?
Listen.
Listen, it's a long story.
What the fuck are you doing here?
It's a long story.
Why the fuck are you here?
Layla, can we just go home
and talk about this, please?
You want to go home?
You don't have a home anymore,
you homeless fucking fuck face.
How could you do this to us?
We have a family, a son, my son.
I'm going to kill you.
I'm going to kill you!
Hey, hey.
Layla, please.
Just calm down.
You calm the fuck down.
What?
Get out.
Don't.
Don't, don't.
LAYLA: Get out.
Please, Layla, what do you want?
Get out.
Go.
Call an attorney.
I think he did call his
attorney, for a booty call.
What the fuck did you just say?
Come on.
Nothing.
Come on, fucking fuck face, was it?
Fucking fuck face, come on.
And, hey, we're not going camping.
Put the tent away.
Oh, god.
Dude, it's not... it's not
what it looks like, I promise.
I think it might be exactly.
No, no, no, I promise.
Come on.
Layla, I...
No words.
Infuriated.
I can't even look at you.
She's doing a pretty good job so far.
She's staring at her so hard, so...
How could you?
I...
Don't get to talk to me.
But he...
Is my husband.
All you ever talk about
is how unhappy you are.
OK, Olivia.
That doesn't mean you
should fuck my husband.
Really doesn't.
We messed up.
I messed up.
That's not a good enough reason, you bitch.
I wanted to tell you.
Oh, like hell you did.
I did.
OK, fine.
Then tell me now.
I didn't...
No, I don't want to hear it.
Layla, please.
You know, I knew you were a
slut, but not a home wrecker.
I didn't wreck your home.
He's not your big, bad wolf.
I'm going to be sick.
I really think...
Now you start thinking?
Stay out of this.
Don't yell at her.
Guys, I think we should all just stop
and figure this out tomorrow.
No.
We finish this now.
If you would just shut the
fuck up and give me a minute.
I'm going to fuck her up.
S-L-A-P.
Oh.
[screaming]
Damn.
How did you get in here?
I have the key.
Take these two, and go to Lizzie's.
I will find a ride home.
All right, ladies, let's go.
It's getting late.
Don't worry, hon.
This will not impact your wedding.
Of course not.
She didn't sleep with Ward.
If you ever cheat on
your wife, I'll kill you.
I ain't even married.
You've been warned.
Are you OK?
That looked really bad.
Not as bad as what I did to Layla.
I mean, that's true.
This isn't all my fault.
James initiated it?
Not like that.
Then what was it like?
OK.
What does that have to do with anything?
[notification]
You got James.
We dated before he met Layla, way before.
OK, but that's...
No excuse, I know.
It's just.
After the 5683 text, I
just opened up to him.
OK, literally or metaphorically?
Because in this case, it was kind of both.
I told him how I felt, and
he told me he loved me, too.
James said he loved you?
He did.
I know I put on this act that I need a BBW,
but I just want a Prince Charming.
I didn't mean for him to be Layla's.
I love him, and I knew
it before the billboard.
We're going to have to figure this out,
because Lizzie is marrying her
Prince Charming in two weeks.
["Wedding march" playing]
MINISTER: Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today to join
this couple in holy matrimony.
If there is anyone here
that has any reason why
these two should not be wed, speak
now or forever hold your peace.
BEAUMONT: I know of one.
A great, big identical one.
Beaumont?
Beaumont?
Beaumont?
NARRATOR: As the matrimonial
promises strengthen Esperanza
and Beaumont's love,
the arrival of an evil twin
threatens to unravel
the ties that bind them.
Will we find out who the real Beaumont is?
Tune in next time where the
drama runs Deep In Carrsville.
[music - eiloh, "girl's girl"]
[chatter]
(SINGING) To tell you who I am
Let me, let me, let me
'Cause I'm a girl's girl
Nothin' better than a girl's world
No one better to me than a girl's girl
I don't need a man
To tell me who I am
Let me
Everything all right in there?
Mm-hmm.
You look really lovely.
Thank you.
It means a lot to me that
you're here, all of you.
My girls.
We wouldn't miss it for anything.
You can always count on us.
Well, two of us anyway.
Layla.
Has anyone seen my makeup bag?
You know, you don't really
need more than two good friends.
OLIVIA: Layla, can you give
me a break for, like, a minute?
Can you unfuck my husband for, like, ever?
OK, I know I should have
handled things a little bit
differently.
You shouldn't have handled James at all.
Can you just stop
unplugging my curling iron?
Lizzie, can you please tell her no.
Don't bring Lizzie into this.
Sorry.
Vanessa, tell her no.
She says no.
I'm trying, but she's not
making it easy, like, at all.
I am so sorry it's not easy for you.
I'm sorry you lost your husband.
I didn't lose shit.
He was taken from me.
I'm sorry, Lizzie.
I can't.
Wait.
Please don't go.
We got a party bus.
[music playing]
(SINGING) It's a brand new day, hey
Wake up every morning and say
It's a brand new day, hey
Take a good day, make it great
OK, 'cause if you got some
lemons, make some lemonade
Yeah, chase those clouds away
It's a brand new day, hey
It's a brand new day
It's a brand new day
EMCEE: Ladies and gentlemen,
Lizzie and Ward Baker.
[cheering]
Smash it in her face!
You need to slow down.
My god, how many have you had?
Maybe four.
Already?
Four?
Layla gave them to me.
She's trying to be nice.
I didn't want to be rude.
That's a good thing, I guess.
Hey, I haven't seen
Rusty yet, but he'll be here.
I'm sure of it, I hope.
It's OK.
This is your day.
I know.
But thanks for everything.
This day is perfect.
Of course.
Now, you go and dance with
the luckiest man on the planet.
Did you know that Olivia
has been enjoying the drinks
you've been getting her?
Did you know I've been cycling
through uppers and painkillers
for days?
I did not.
One gets me to sleep.
The other gets me through the day.
OK, well, we're going to have
a chat about this tomorrow.
But first and foremost, why
are you being so nice to Olivia?
Putting that bitch to sleep.
Who?
Big Red Riding horn.
What did you do?
She took James, so I'm taking tonight.
Now, who wants this Dick?
We'll talk through this tomorrow.
Promise me.
Your girls are going crazy tonight.
Oh, god.
Don't even get me started.
Like last weekend?
I'm so sorry.
I am so sorry you got
dragged into that, too.
I'd rather have been there than not.
Really?
I actually... thank you.
I didn't actually get a
chance to say thank you.
So thank you.
Anytime.
Well, not anytime, but anytime.
I don't know how you do it.
Oh, it's exhausting.
I can imagine.
That explains the uppers?
[glass clinking]
[applause]
Olivia, stop.
Stop what?
I'm not starting.
VANESSA: You will not stop moving.
What are you talking about? I'm not.
Can we eat soon?
I'm content, but I'm really hungry.
We literally just ate.
Can I give a speech?
I really love Lizzie.
No, no.
I don't want you talking
to anyone tonight, actually.
Let's leave the speeches to Layla.
Layla, you mixed them up.
I did, didn't I. I fixed them up.
CROWD: Toast!
Toast! Toast!
Toast! Toast!
Toast!
You cannot give a toast like this.
Can I do it?
I love to talk.
No.
No, I will do the toast.
Weddings are a coming together
event of times where loving
people loving their share.
[whispering]
Layla.
Let her finish.
It's beautiful.
Two people make a heart.
A love of heart.
Together they must fight the arrows.
Layla.
Layla.
Just a love minute.
They must dance.
Can we dance too?
No.
They must dance around the arrows.
I want to dance.
Is there cake?
Drink some water.
Why?
It's liquid cake.
Fat babies with wings shoot these arrows.
Not all babies are fat.
Mine was.
Split me open.
OK.
All right.
Thank you, Layla, for
that wonderful speech.
No.
I think what Layla was trying to say...
I gotta pee.
I think what Layla was trying to say
is that love is a wonderful thing,
and you have to fight for what you love.
And what you two share is so special
that you will welcome the fat, cute babies
and fight off the ones wielding
bow and arrows together.
Let's cheers to the happy couple.
Thank you.
[cheering]
Did I miss anything?
Ooh, cake.
She did not wash her hands.
[MUSIC - SPARKZ, "PICTURE PERFECT GURL"]
Yeah, you got that vibe
Makes them come alive
You're so picture perfect
Yeah, you at the walk that walk
Watch those eyes go pop
You're so picture perfect
Lookin' so good, yeah
Feeling so bad
You have to come with me right now.
What about Layla?
Layla, stay.
See? She'll be fine.
Come on.
Honey, look who I found.
Vanessa, this is Rusty.
Hello.
Oh, honey.
Look, Aunt Susan.
We should say hi.
We should say hi.
You two talk, dance, enjoy.
I guess Aunt Susan... oh.
(SINGING) Everybody
want to be you like a fad
So run with it
Just keep going with it
Is she with you?
Sadly, yes.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, I'm assuming you
taught her all those moves.
Again, sadly, yes.
Sadly, it is, a little bit.
But you, you're adorable.
It's one of the best
that there's ever been.
It's really an allegory
for a lot of people.
It's a really big deal, I think.
So are you acclimating to the city well?
Yeah, I'd say so, but I feel like there's
something missing maybe.
Oh, my god, it's so nice to
see you dancing with a partner.
You know, not alone.
Who's this hunk?
This is Rusty.
Hi, Rusty.
Russ.
Russ.
Oh, the Russell.
He's hot.
Get him.
Thank you, Olivia.
Let's go.
Oh, this is my jam!
Yeah.
Oh my god, I'm sorry.
She's a firecracker.
Oh.
Anyway, I would love to
take you around the city.
Yeah, I think that would be really great.
Yeah, just let me know
if I'm going too fast.
No, no, no.
I think this song is the perfect
speed for us, unlike others.
Yeah.
Well, I really think you'd enjoy the new...
Oh, sorry.
I really think you'd enjoy
the new... excuse me.
Can I help you?
Oh, no worries, no worries.
She's with me.
What?
Well, she saw you were interested in me,
then she was interested in you.
I don't follow.
We'd like you to join us.
Like a throuple.
Whoa, easy now.
Think this relationship is probably going
to be a better start for us.
That sounds crowded.
That's a crowd I'd like to be
smack dab in the middle of.
I...
Hey, hey.
Her, you, me.
Do you guys hear that?
I'm coming.
I didn't hear anything.
Fuck.
You.
Want to dance dirty?
No, stop.
I can't.
Yes you can.
Remember that time when me and...
Layla is gone.
Come here, come here.
You don't hear that?
Hear what?
My hair is literally growing right now.
I do not have time for this.
I have to search the hotel for our friend.
I'll check the room.
I'm faster than the elevator.
Hey, where'd you say you
wanted these towels again?
Those are going to go in room 236.
[music playing]
What's this all about?
I'm not sure.
It's probably from the reception next door.
Oh, wow.
And the bartender says
it was a bar bitch you ate.
[chuckling]
Well, well, well.
Two wayward travelers meet
the woman of their dreams.
Sounds like a porno.
Could be.
Could be.
We can do things that the industry
hasn't even heard of yet.
What's left?
I'm just spitballing here, but I
could be slutty Red Riding Hood, and you
can be the Big, Bad Wolf.
And you will be Grandma.
I really need a BBW right now.
I think I've seen that one before, though.
Rewrite, rewrite.
You... no, you will be
Grandpa and punish me.
I've been a bad girl.
You believe this shit?
Take her upstairs.
Are you fucking serious right now?
You heard what she said.
She wants this.
Good evening, gentlemen.
May I be of any assistance?
No, ma'am.
We're just helping our
friend here to her room.
All of you?
Yeah, if that's all right with you.
That depends.
Bride or groom?
What?
You're clearly here for the wedding.
Bride or groom?
Bride.
Groom.
Put her down now.
Why don't you get back
behind that fucking front desk.
We're taking her.
Oh, you fucking bitch.
Don't you fucking move.
Call the police.
Get someone from the
wedding to get her out of here.
OK.
[radio chatter]
Oh, good.
You found her.
What the fuck's that about?
Where were you?
I checked the whole third floor.
Nothing.
We're on the second floor.
I knew that.
Ma'am, you cannot be
knocking on people's doors
pretending to be room service.
Relax.
Everyone's fine, but the
west ice machine is down.
And watch it with that ma'am shit.
Your room's covered.
Oh, you didn't...
Does that include the minibar?
If your friend needs, she
can contact Miss Brown.
They have Skittles.
Thank you.
You guys are so lucky to have me.
I can literally taste the rainbow.
Give me a red one.
[music playing]
Up, both of you.
Uh-uh, you too.
How'd things with Rusty go?
They didn't.
You need to call the manager,
because you guys went all Fear
and Loathing on me last night.
I can't believe that.
Believe it.
You guys were ridiculous.
You checked every room?
The third floor, but yeah, every room.
I can't say that we're friends
again, but I can say thank you.
VANESSA: Do you know how many times
I had to swipe left before I
found a Russell Anderson?
LAYLA: Love is pain, baby.
VANESSA: And the search
results said there was like, a million.
How come I only matched with one?
LAYLA: You have to
be excited about this one.
You picked him.
Yeah, but it's also the end of the list.
If RJ isn't the one, then what's left?
Have a little faith.
There's something distinguished
about Russell Joseph.
Distinguished or serial killerish?
Stop.
He not only looks good on paper,
he looks really good in person.
[baby crying]
You know, this whole thing
was a joke in the beginning.
But now what if it doesn't work out?
LAYLA: Quit whining.
You're fine.
I'm not whining.
I was talking to Andrew.
Where is James?
He's out searching for his
white picket fence fantasy
with you know who.
Have you texted Sam?
You know, I'm really impressed that you
saw this whole thing through,
no matter how stupid it's been.
[thumping]
Damn it.
This is never going to work.
LAYLA: Quit playing with your cookies.
But they're uneven.
LAYLA: Still talking to Andrew.
How are you feeling?
I'm feeling like if this doesn't work out,
I'm going to burn that
billboard to the ground.
Well, I got matches and
lighter fluid and an unfulfilled
desire to fuck some shit up.
Careful.
It's a school night.
Just be yourself.
Have some fun.
That's what it's supposed to be all about.
And if not, I am serious
about the billboard.
I really do have matches on me.
OK, love you.
Bye.
Love you too.
[music playing]
Hey.
Oh, no no, no, don't get up.
Sorry.
I mean, I'm usually the one sitting
here waiting and waiting
for hours and hours,
and it's like it's...
OK.
What?
You're stunning.
I love your dress.
Oh, this old thing.
Have you been here before?
I cannot say that I have.
Well, I took the liberty...
Of ordering for me?
Is that your thing, your shtick?
No, I don't really have a shtick.
[phone ringing]
Sorry.
I forgot to silence that.
I'm sorry.
Look, I've been here before.
Why don't we just lay all
our cards out on the table,
just really let our hair down.
[music playing]
He's perfect.
Cheers.
So how much have you had to drink?
How much are you planning on drinking?
Cute.
How many kids do you have?
OK, right into it then.
How many kids do you want?
Cheeky.
How long have you been married?
What?
That's it.
Yeah, of course.
You're married, and you're wining
and dining your next prospect.
No, it's not like that.
I don't have any prospects.
Oh, come on.
You're playing the field.
You literally have a profile.
I didn't set that up.
That was made for me.
VANESSA: Oh, yeah, I bet so.
They said that I was ready
for this, but clearly I'm not.
Not ready for what?
To help me build my white picket
fence, to actually settle down,
commit to someone, to find
your, what, one true love?
I had that, and I lost her two years ago.
Look, dinner has been paid
for, and if you need anything,
like drinks or a ride or therapy,
my hostess will help you out.
I got a feeling that you're
not feeling what I'm feeling.
And that's an OK feeling.
Oh, hey.
Big date?
You look... you look amazing.
Oh, this old thing?
You don't dress like this
unless you're going out.
I'm actually heading in.
Reception guy not work out for you?
Different guy.
Reception guy came with a wife.
Ooh, cheater thing, or,
like, a three-way thing?
More like a no way, no how, not
interested kind of thing, kind
of like everyone in me recently.
So.
You want a hug?
Yeah, I kinda do.
Yeah.
[music playing]
Hey, if you're interested,
I'm meeting with Grace
for, like, an open mic.
Maybe next time.
Hey.
For next time.
Thanks.
You left me to die in that dungeon.
I left you Twinkies.
I fucking hate Twinkies.
And what was your plan?
To take over my rightful
place as head of the company.
Father should have
never kept you in charge.
And her?
PAUL: After she was
gone, take over her distillery
and run everything south of Kentucky.
Gone?
Were you trying to kill me?
Not anymore.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Beaumont.
I'm Beaumont.
That's Paul, and he's
out to steal your company.
But he stole my heart.
Sorry to interrupt, but we
got the test results back,
and mama and baby are doing just fine.
[dramatic music]
ESPERANZA (ON TV): It doesn't matter.
I'm willing this baby.
It's going to be so...
[phone ringing]
BEAUMONT (ON TV): So out of its mind,
because it's a baby of
someone who tried to kill you.
ESPERANZA (ON TV): Calm down.
I'm getting agitated here.
What?
Hey, you.
Sounds like a rough night.
Is he still there?
Nope.
So how's RJ?
Crashed and burned.
What did he do?
Not him.
Me.
Don't worry.
We'll find him.
I think that I am done looking
for Mr. Russell Anderson.
They say you find what
you're looking for when
you're not looking for it.
Who says that?
Confucius.
Look, when I get back,
the search will continue.
All right.
Can't wait.
[notification]
BEAUMONT (ON TV): Do you want a Twinkie?
ESPERANZA (ON TV): I think so.
This is just not me.
It's the baby.
BEAUMONT (ON TV): OK.
We need some Twinkies, maybe some pickles.
What do you want?
ESPERANZA (ON TV): I just want it all.
We have a company.
How we cannot get
cinnamon-flavored Twinkies?
BEAUMONT (ON TV): We'll
put them in the vending machines.
You said you wanted...
[music playing]
(SINGING) I don't know
if I have it in me to try.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Incoming message from Olivia.
Hey, girl.
Just checking up on you.
The billboard was right, but I was wrong.
You don't need a BBW.
Be your own big, bad wolf.
Hugs and kisses.
(SINGING) All I want is happiness.
Give it to me.
Give it to me now.
Can I help you find something.
I don't even know what I'm looking for.
OK.
Are you going to do something about that?
I'm not even supposed to be here today.
So you're just going to let it happen?
Why not?
They're so much in love right now.
And in a world full of drama,
judgment, and negativity,
you get someone to make you
forget about all that, someone
to be there, to lean on, to hold you,
even for a moment, that's true love.
That's beautiful.
Other times, they're all over the place,
knocking shit over, tearing up magazines.
Then a titty pops out.
It's pure comedy.
When did you stop selling yogurt?
Looks like what you're
looking for is right in front of you.
Hey, you two.
That's too close to the magazines.
Get back over with... there's a titty.
Comedy, huh.
Tonight.
So I was talking to my neighbor.
She's she's really cool,
really funny, kind of cute.
Don't tell her I said that.
Just kidding.
You can if you want to.
We were talking, and she...
She came out of her apartment, and she
had this kind of like a skincare
routine, like a face mask.
It was this creamy white kind of
an incandescent glow about her.
And I said, oh, you wearing,
like, a skincare thing?
That's cool. And she
said, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's homemade, actually.
My boyfriend and I make these.
I said, oh that's that's kind of cool,
business venture or something.
And she said, yeah it's great.
It works awesomely.
My skin has never been tighter.
I feel like I'm aging backwards.
She says, no, it works.
And can I tell you something?
Can I tell you a little secret?
Sure, I like a little secret.
Sure.
She says it's my boyfriend's cum.
What?
What the fuck?
What?
That's insane.
And she says, yeah.
It works.
I don't it's fun for him.
It's fun for me.
It's easy.
Bing, bang, boom, we're in, we're out.
So I tried it.
Yeah, it works.
[laughter]
You know what? She's right.
It is easy.
That guy fucking came, like, immediately.
[knocking on door]
I'm sorry.
I was told...
Told to what, bring me
another thing to occupy my time?
Thank you.
Fucking Lizzie.
No, you called me.
I mean, I guess I'm not
surprised you don't remember me.
Who are you?
Samantha Brown.
Sam.
I just wanted to come by and check on you
and just make sure you're doing OK.
I should go.
Wait.
This isn't what I was expecting.
I mean, don't you usually
bring a lady flowers?
Well, you know, flowers die.
I wanted to bring you
something that would last.
Well, looks like she could use a drink.
Care to join us?
[music playing]
[chatter]
You just got to get out and do it.
You know, open MICS just go.
It's a grind. It's hard.
You're going to bomb.
I haven't in, like, probably,
I don't know, a day or two.
Yeah, no, he's great.
But you seemed really good.
Oh, thanks.
Oh, actually, do you mind?
- I'm going to take a...
- Yeah, go ahead.
All right.
Hey, glad you could make it.
Yeah, no problem.
It's not like I had anywhere else to be.
OK.
That hurts.
Pity visit.
No, no, that is not what I meant.
Oh, shit.
Did I just walk into a pity party for you?
Oh, stop it Don't be mean.
Don't be mean.
What could you possibly
have to be sad about?
Everything?
Yes, you're the loneliest,
most friendless, ugliest
failure I've ever known.
Yeah, it's true.
Yes, you're right.
You're going to make...
You're going to make me do this.
You're going to make
me be the sincere friend.
This is insane.
OK.
Vanessa, you are an amazing person.
You are.
You're wickedly talented.
You have great friends.
You have great skin.
I mean, a true success,
10 out of 10, no notes.
OK.
Yeah.
I mean, even I wanted to be
tea bagged most of last year.
You're not funny.
Until it happened.
Stop it.
I hate the taste.
Too earthy.
Little hairy.
Bad stuff.
I'm going to leave.
No.
Just... so what is it?
It's just I thought...
This is going to sound stupid.
I thought that dating
would have been easier.
I mean, it can be hard, but
as long as you're having fun.
See, that's the thing, though.
This is the most fun
I've had in a long time.
But that's OK, right?
You focus on yourself, cut out the drama.
Just let things happen.
But they were all supposed to be the one.
The guys I've seen you with
are all completely different.
What do you mean, they were
all supposed to be the one?
They all had the core characteristic.
What are you talking about?
The core characteristic.
They all had the name of my true love.
OK.
They all... what?
They all had the name of your true love?
You were dating these
guys based on their name.
Yes.
Why?
Because a billboard told us to.
Oh, a billboard.
People haven't been
influenced by billboards
for, like, 50 years.
What are you talking about?
The 5683 billboard
with old Aunt Betty on it?
That's the one.
Oh, my Lord.
It was my great friend's idea.
I'm sure it was.
Interesting concept, though.
GRACE: Don't you think we should get going?
You want to walk out with me?
Yeah.
[chatter]
Hey, can I call you sometime?
Why?
In case I need a dog walker or something.
Or maybe you and I can walk the dog.
Or you walk me, I walk you,
we leave the dog at home,
let him watch Deep In
Carrsville all by himself.
What about her?
Oh, Grace?
She won't mind.
I'm not really looking for a
three-lationship kind of thing.
A what?
No, she's my... she's my sister.
What are you...
Rusty, let's go.
Rusty.
Yeah.
Adrian's a stage name.
I thought it was a little more unique.
I don't know.
Do you know how many Rusty Andersons
there are in this town?
It's weird.
GRACE: Rusty.
You don't say.
And, hey, I'll call you sometime.
We'll get together for a Dick marathon.
[music playing]
Audio rolling.
Scene 5, take 1.
This is never going to work.
CREW: Oh, light.
Light coming up.
Oh.
We love making movies.
Oh my god.
Should I... should I teabag your friend?
CREW: Another one
where he throws it up to you.
He throws it up to you.
You're just, like, completely
surprised that he even
had the strength to do this.
[laughter]
Layla said we'd get
some brunch at the cafe.
Oh, I'm sorry, I can't.
I fucking can't.
Fucking front desk.
We're taking her.
Are you OK?
If you ever cheat on
your wife, I'll kill you.
I ain't even married.
You've been warned.
Fair enough.
That fell.
Let's go.
Leaving so soon?
Fuck.
Are you going to finish that or let's
sit out like a common vagabond?
Nothing but bells on.
Aroo!
Oh my god.
Oh, god, it burns!
I knew it.
She's meeting a John.
Be nice.
Yeah, he might be a nice guy.
Was that Jennifer Coolidge?
That was pretty good.
(SINGING) You are the dancing
queen, young and sweet, only 17.
CREW: This is the last take of it.
No pressure.
And action.
Oh, I forgot.
CREW: Take it back.
Sorry.
There's so much pressure.
Look, you girls are
annoying, but I love you.
But get the fuck out of my store.
Oh, OK.
That's it.
Hey.
What the fuck?
[laughter]
Oh!
Oh!
Boom.
For the mama.
That sounds weird coming out.
Fuck yeah it does.
All right.
Do-da, do-da, do-da, do-da.
[music playing]
What?
Paul?
After everything, Paul?
They were meant to be.
That's like if you picked
that lip licker over me.
VANESSA: That's not funny.
Come on.
I have Chapstick.
[keyboard clicking]
[MUSIC - CIRA GRANDI, "SAY IT AIN'T SO"]
All these little things driving me crazy
I just want to be free
All these feelings got me seeing hazy
I can barely breathe
There's no point in tryna chase me
Only one thing I need
Oh, no, say it ain't so
I do what I want
And I don't like no
Oh no, if there's one thing you should know
Say it ain't so
[sighs]
MAN (ON TV): The liquor
flows as freely as secrets,
the depths of desire run deep...
In Carrsville.
[moaning]
What is it, my love?
We cannot keep doing this.
We're just so good at it.
I'm talking about the contracts.
Oh, those.
I think it's best if you keep
your pen on the contracts
and out of my inbox.
I love it when you talk stationery.
I am serious.
I don't want to have to choose.
We can do both, but not at the same time.
I disagree.
Then I quit.
You should quit him.
BEAUMONT: You can't quit.
Girl, his old love cannot be that good.
BEAUMONT: You're under contract, and I
see a couple places to initial.
And there's definitely
a signature required.
Shut up and kiss me.
Yet here I am, watching Deep in Carrsville
alone at 6:00 PM on a Saturday.
ESPERANZA: Yes!
Yes!
[music - chantry smith, "money"]
Like clockwork.
(SINGING) Ooh, Benji, you're so sexy
Give this girl a heart attack
Looking so green these days
I love me some gray sweatpants.
(SINGING) Wash my hair with you
VANESSA: Oh, good boy.
You're a good boy.
I can call you a good boy.
I'll call you whatever you want.
(SINGING) I got it bad for you
When I'm holding you
I get so hot
ESPERANZA: Yes!
Fuck!
BEAUMONT (ON TV): Yes!
Fuck, fuck!
ESPERANZA (ON TV): Yes!
Yes!
Everything all right?
BEAUMONT (ON TV): Oh!
ESPERANZA (ON TV): Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
I'm coming.
Coming!
[knocking on door]
ADRIAN: Hello?
I'll be right there.
Hey. Hi.
Hey.
Sorry, I thought I heard a ruckus.
Ruckus?
Yeah, like a Spanish DJ, but the beat never
dropped, just some noises.
Noises?
Oh.
Oh, I was...
Yeah.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry to interrupt.
I need to learn when not to knock.
Huh?
Have a great night.
You clearly already have.
Congratulations.
Big load.
OK.
Sorry to interrupt?
[notification]
This should be fun.
Oh, fuck me.
[MUSIC - CIRA GRANDI,
"SAY IT AIN'T SO"] Oh,
no, say it ain't so
I do what I want, and I don't like no
Oh, no, if there's one
thing you should know
Say it ain't so
It was so embarrassing I don't
know why we have to drink here.
Check that out.
Oh, god.
Can't we have one night without
a douche bag disturbance?
Hey.
Ladies, I couldn't help but notice you...
From across the bar.
Really.
You're going to have
to do better than that.
This is my night out from my
husband and my infant son.
Make me want you.
Make me need you.
You two have a good night.
Oh, come on.
Oh, well, that was fun.
[music playing]
Hey.
Thanks.
Hey, girls.
Filling your lull?
Lull?
Well, that's a cute name for it.
I'd go more with the endless abyss.
And that's fitting for you.
VANESSA: Don't be mean.
What'd I miss?
I let Captain one-liner know what he'd need
to do to get all this.
And he doubted himself, so he left.
I see nothing wrong here.
Exactly.
Thank you.
It's just like oral sex.
If I want to be licked
like an ice cream cone,
he better not be a dog lapping water.
That was very graphic.
Thank you.
It's true.
You got to spell things out for these men.
You gotta tell them constantly.
Pull my hair.
Slap my ass.
Please, fuck me in my ass already.
You do not have to tell them.
They are always trying to do that.
Time to change the subject.
Children are present.
Sorry I'm late.
Are you leaving soon?
We have at least one more drink left.
And what are you ladies talking about?
Anal sex.
VANESSA: Layla.
Tell me, have you let
Ward in the back door yet,
or is he still doing missionary work?
Olivia.
It's all right.
I mean, this is girl talk, right?
Exactly.
So back door?
Why use the back door when
the front porch is so beautiful?
Oh.
She got you there, bitch.
I wasn't trying to get anyone.
And here you are getting married.
And yet Vanessa here, who
is still trying to get anyone,
is single.
OK, uh-uh, no.
How did this get turned back around on me?
Adrian!
No, don't bring Adrian over here.
Are you just scared because
you don't have the security
of your front door?
Yes.
All I'm saying here is I'm meant
to be single for the rest of
my life, and I'm OK with that.
But you?
You need a man.
That's so mean.
All right, the usuals.
Grab them if you want them.
Come to mama.
All right.
And water.
That's right.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Adrian, Adrian.
One could say this place is
our Luke's Diner, our MacLaren's,
our Central Perk, if you will.
I will.
Have you ever seen Vanessa here with a man?
I can't say that I have, no.
And these two lovely ladies?
Yeah, I've seen James
and Ward here a time or two.
Huh.
A time or two.
Now do her.
Do her?
I'm on the clock.
I can't do that, especially
in front of an audience.
Performance anxiety, it's a problem.
Let me know if you need anything.
We'd put on quite a show.
Olivia, isn't he a stand-up comedian?
That does not prove approve anything.
Oh, other than Mr. Houghton's
keen attention to detail.
If Adrian can see that you need to fix it,
then imagine what everyone else sees.
OK.
I do not need to fix anything.
Are you going to tell Layla that
she needs to have another baby
to fix her broken marriage?
My marriage isn't broken.
Yeah, exactly.
I didn't say it.
Well, we are trying for another, though.
What?
Why?
We're not really trying.
I think I want more, but James doesn't.
He's just in a rut, little distant.
Oh, isn't he working on a big deal?
The biggest.
Trust me, that takes a lot out of you.
When my office was deciding which
pharmaceutical sales rep to go through,
that led to some sleepless nights.
Right, because that's the same thing.
All I'm saying here is our friend
Vanessa is the most
deliberately wishy-washy man
selector in the whole world.
Maybe she's boy sober?
No, because that's a choice.
[giggling]
You need to stop looking
for your Prince Charming
and find yourself a BBW.
A new car?
Big, beautiful woman.
A big, bad wolf.
He has the eyes to see
you, the ears to hear you,
and the tongue to eat you up.
Oh, dear.
My god, that's hot.
I'm wet.
Did you spill your drink?
No.
Let me know if you find one of those.
Why?
Because I married Prince
Charming's accountant, OK?
The only thing that man
is using his tongue for
is stamps and envelopes.
This is why you need to
know what you're looking for.
I don't.
I have no clue.
OK, what about him?
VANESSA: The one you just...
No, he's seen things.
OLIVIA: This is fun.
What about that guy?
VANESSA: He's too tall.
OLIVIA: Oh, and him?
VANESSA: No self-confidence.
OK.
What about him?
I think he has a girlfriend, probably.
Four men, all no, for different reasons.
You don't know what you want.
Your experimentation is flawed.
So is everyone here.
I'm just saying, you need to pick
a core characteristic, physical or not,
and we'll build from there.
ELIZABETH: Like doctor Frankenstein.
No, sweetie, it's metaphorically speaking.
No, let's do it. Let's do it.
Let's build you a man.
Who's got the time?
Fuck, I gotta go.
No.
Yep, James is on his way to pick me up.
We have to relieve the sitter.
Come on.
Her overtime rate will break me.
Oh, to be the girl on a party bus.
Huh?
Paradise is a party bus
with a full tank of gas.
Really?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
What happens on a party
bus never happened at all.
You really should quit.
I only do it on girls nights.
Studies show...
That I don't give a shit?
No, that we are in the
right place at the right time.
Look.
What demographic are they going for?
Us.
You.
You're the demographic.
What am I missing?
The core characteristic.
Exactly.
See?
She's the smart one.
OK, Vanessa, it's time to send a message
and find the name of your one true love.
OK, those things never work.
OK, let's see, what's the number?
It's 5, 68, 3.
Oh, that's cute.
It spells "love."
OK, who'd you get?
[notification]
It doesn't matter who I get.
You're right.
The experiment needs a control.
You know what?
If she gets Ward, I'll send a text.
[notification]
ELIZABETH: Oh, my god.
I got him.
Holy shit.
ELIZABETH: I knew it.
It was true love.
You should see if you get James.
I don't think so.
That has already been established.
[notification]
And of course.
Anybody know a Sam Brown?
OK, your turn.
Who's the lucky guy?
You're really serious.
We need that core characteristic.
It's for science.
For science.
For science.
OK.
OK, fine.
So we get a name, and then what?
We find him, so you don't
have to be alone at my wedding.
Find who?
Who are we looking for?
No one, honey.
Hey, when did you start smoking?
Oh, she doesn't.
She was just holding it for me.
Well, when did you start?
That's pretty new.
She only does it on girls nights.
What else do girls do on girls nights?
Oh, well, right now we're finding
Vanessa a man through science.
It's not science.
So you going to send that text?
Yeah, you should send the text.
It's for science.
This is so exciting.
OK, let's see.
Looks like we are in search of...
[notification]
Ooh, a Rusty Anderson.
Ooh.
What?
It's a good name.
[music playing]
You see?
You can't quit us.
I can do whatever I want.
Well, then why this?
You can love your career, but that
doesn't mean that your
career will love you back.
I want this.
So back to the contracts.
I can think of a couple of
places that I forgot to initial.
[music playing]
(SINGING) Stepping into the fold
Staring at the unknown
It's got a way of showing
us where we need to go
Walking into the sea
Staying light on your feet
It's got a way of showing up in our dreams
Ah!
Whoa.
Hey.
What the fuck?
VANESSA: You dropped that.
Oh.
Where'd you come from?
I was just sitting right there.
Oh, just watching me?
Yeah.
No.
Didn't say anything?
Oh, I actually didn't see an opportunity
between your audition
for Dancing with the Stars
and American Idol.
OK, well, to be honest, I'm perfecting
my Magic Mike routine.
Is that one yours?
VANESSA: Oh, yeah.
Did you let it sit-in cold water
and detergent to soften it?
Why would I do that?
Stains.
Oh.
Oh, no.
No, that is... that is not what that is.
Oh, this isn't semen laundry Sunday?
What?
Weekend tradition.
Sinner Saturday leads to Sunday service,
where you pray your dirty, dirty sins
away and wash them down the river,
like baby Jeebus wants you to.
You do need Jesus because that was yogurt.
Right.
He got his yogurt on your face.
Been there, done that.
No.
There was no he.
There was no he.
I was eating yogurt and
watching Deep In Carrsville.
Yeah, I love that show.
Come on.
No man loves Deep in Carrsville.
Last time I checked, I'm a
man, and I love that show.
You love Dick?
I fucking love Dick.
OK?
Oh, the shirt and everything.
Yeah.
Limited edish.
You know, aside from my family, there's
not much I love more than Dick.
- Oh.
- I take that back.
There's a couple people I
don't love as much as Dick.
Oh, yeah?
Most of my early childhood memories
are me loving Dick, long
and hard into the night.
All right.
Bit's over.
Too far.
Well, if that's too far, you've obviously
never been to one of my shows.
I've actually seen a couple.
Come on.
Me and the girls, we
usually sit in the back
and leave pretty early, unless Olivia needs
to fill her lull or something.
Olivia?
Yeah, that makes sense.
You fucked Olivia.
God, no.
No, no.
I've seen her putting on her moves.
On you?
Yeah, on me.
I told her no, and she moved on.
But I'm a catch, lady.
I am sure you are.
I am.
I believe you.
- I'm a catch.
- Yeah.
I mean, I'm looking at you.
Ask my mom.
I'm sure she's a lovely lady.
[phone ringing]
I'm sorry.
I have to take this.
To be continued?
Yeah.
Hello?
[phone ringing]
[music playing]
I thought you said it was stupid.
It's for a new ad campaign.
Work, work, work.
Products don't sell themselves.
Except for the ShamWow.
That was a one-off.
Are you here to spy on me?
Give me shit?
Do you miss me?
All of that.
And I brought you coffee.
You know, all this working isn't healthy.
You should find some time
off for yourself tomorrow.
Speaking of time off,
shouldn't you be getting back?
Or are you too scared?
Scared?
From what I hear about
those prepubescent bastards,
they should be scared of me.
I ain't taking no shit.
Spoken like a true
eighth-grade English teacher.
Wait, what's tomorrow?
You're meeting me for lunch.
Uh, where?
Cuddles.
Say 11:00.
We're having lunch at your kid's daycare?
I have questions.
Come back.
Layla!
[music playing]
Please don't tap on the glass.
They don't like that.
Wouldn't want to scare the fish.
No, it's for the children.
Right, because fish have
an organ that detects the...
Do you have a child here?
No, I'm meeting someone.
This isn't a place where
people go to meet people.
Hey, you made it.
Yes.
Do you know her?
Yeah, she's a friend of mine.
She was tapping on the glass.
Oh.
Oh, they don't like that.
OK.
Why am I here?
See the little baby over there?
VANESSA: Yeah.
LAYLA: Let me introduce
you to little Rusty Anderson.
He's a little young.
He's a junior.
Don't make me stand between
you and the window, ma'am.
It wasn't me.
We have rules.
So that's his daddy?
LAYLA: Soon to be your daddy.
I am not dressed for this.
OK, first of all, the suit is great,
but you're not going out till
Wednesday, so you're fine.
Oh, so you're my pimp now?
Maybe, yeah.
Oh.
You must be my...
My hump day surprise.
I hope that's not my nickname.
Oh, of course not.
No, Layla said we'd have
brunch down at the cafe.
Oh.
Yeah, that'd be great.
Awesome.
All righty.
Well, I... I'll see you then.
OK.
When you said lunch, I didn't
know that I was on the menu.
He's cute, right?
Very, but...
But what?
He's a dad.
Well, look at it this way.
You'll be a mother
without the stretch marks,
and you can keep your freedom because kid's
not really your responsibility.
I don't think it works like that.
We don't know how it works.
What we do know is we
have the core characteristic.
I'm glad you're having fun.
Oh no.
We could try something else.
What could be more fun than this?
Ma'am.
Bitch.
Vanessa, I am so sorry.
It is totally fine, Rusty.
Don't worry.
It's Russ.
Rusty's my son.
Is everything all right?
Yeah.
We had an accident.
Oh my god, are you OK?
Yeah, we're fine.
There was just a massive blowout.
It got up his back
and a little in his hair,
and it just required a whole bath.
Anyway, what do you say?
Let's eat.
So, little Russ is a year
and a half old, then?
Little Rusty.
Little Rusty is 13 months,
so he's getting there.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
So you guys seem pretty close.
Quite the father son duo.
The closest.
He's my little guy, for sure.
We eat together, we play
together, we sleep together,
and we even bathe together.
Oh, bathe.
Yeah, it's just for time management.
And the sleeping together?
RUSS: He wouldn't have it any other way.
He's real bed hog, that one.
So how do you see yourself
managing single fatherhood while
in a relationship?
Let's just make it through our first meal
together before you start playing stepmom.
Am I right?
Of course.
Silly me.
Speaking of, where is Rusty's mom?
Let me put it this way.
There's two types of
people in this world, Pedro
Pascal fans and the rest of us.
You mean Pedro...
Oh.
Yeah, I don't get it either.
I keep telling her that it's
not even him behind the mask
most of the times.
So... no.
My bad.
So where is she now?
All I know is that she has no faith
in me when the zombies come.
Maybe she's looking for a real daddy.
If somebody doesn't want to stick around,
why would I want them to be?
Here.
Oh my god, no.
No.
[phone ringing]
I have to take this.
Thank god you got my SOS text.
Russ isn't working out?
He just tried to baby bird me.
No, he didn't.
I watched him chew the food.
Oh, that type of baby birding.
Well, flee the nest, my little chickadee.
So the camera shows a
car pull up with your plates.
A man fitting your
description exits the vehicle.
This man assaults another
man, who identified you.
And here you are with a
bandaged hand, the same hand
that the assailant used.
And yet you are using the Shaggy defense?
It wasn't me.
And he went on and on about
how he hated Pedro Pascal.
Who doesn't love Pedro Pascal?
Right?
Oh, but the baby birding thing, ugh.
I couldn't.
I couldn't.
Don't knock it till you try it.
You're making it sexual.
I'm not.
I'm not.
OK, shut up.
Forget about it.
Guess what.
I found your Russell.
If he was on your
docket, I'm not interested.
I never slept with him.
He used to be a client.
But you just said you never slept with him.
Bitch, I got him off on a misdemeanor.
Let the record show you did get him off.
I already told him you
would meet him for drinks.
First Layla, and now you.
You guys are killing me.
I didn't think I'd have to
use this, but you owe me.
How do I owe you?
Ad agent of the quarter.
I don't know, Harriet.
Sometimes I can't and
don't want to do anything.
You just need to get tea bagged.
I don't think that that's what I need.
Donovan?
Dear, it's almost that time.
Yes, certainly, dear.
Oh, I see we have company.
Shall I teabag your friend?
HARRIET: I'm sure she'll love it.
Oh, I'm sure I'll love it, too.
You two get comfortable.
You heard.
Go ahead.
Your tea.
Oh.
Oh, why thank you, love.
We're actually talking about tea.
Of course.
What did you think I meant?
ANNOUNCER: Get tea bagged today.
Find Donovan's all
natural, old-fashioned tea
at a store near you.
Or you can order online at donovansoldfashi
onedteabagging.com.
That one idea did not
make my whole quarter.
Maybe not.
But every woman in the area wanted
to be tea bagged after that.
I still have no idea how
that got past the online filters.
Who cares?
I already set it up.
You're going.
Thanks for your support.
Anytime.
[music playing]
There's something I'd like to say to you.
Ever since the accident,
the amnesia had me shackled
in the darkness of my mind.
And I might not remember everything,
but you have brought me into the light.
This is what I needed
to know, that you cared.
I more than care, Esperanza.
I love you.
No, no, no.
Wait.
Esperanza?
I've never loved anyone like this
or been loved by anyone this much.
Beaumont Daniel Richardson field, would you
make me the happiest woman in Carrsville?
I think I can do that.
ESPERANZA (ON TV): I just
cannot believe this is happening.
BEAUMONT (ON TV): I love this ring.
Thank you.
[knocking on door]
ESPERANZA (ON TV): Thank you.
We're going to have a big
party. BEAUMONT (ON TV): OK.
ESPERANZA (ON TV): We're going to have it.
We're going to invite
everyone, your family, my family.
It'll be a lot of music
and a lot of people having
the best day of their lives.
Hey, you're not sneaking
out on me, are you?
Of course not.
You've had a long day,
and I have to get up early.
True.
Dinner tomorrow night?
Yeah.
Dress nice and be good.
Oh, Vanessa.
Adrian.
- How you doing?
- Good.
Great.
Never better.
Oh, this is Vanessa.
Vanessa, my neighbor.
Vanessa, Grace.
Hi.
[phone ringing]
Nice meeting you.
Yes, Mom.
He'll be there.
So you locked out again?
Yep.
ADRIAN: Let me grab maintenance.
[jazz music]
Leaving so soon?
So soon?
You're over an hour and a half late.
Oh, I'm sure I can explain.
Could you move over?
Move over a seat.
Gotta love the scenery.
You're into landscaping?
What?
No.
Are you going to finish that or...
Mind if I?
All right, let's have it.
What?
Here?
All right.
No, your story.
Oh, all right.
To the good stuff, then.
I'm your Russell, body like Crowe,
fashion sense like Simmons.
Love and Thunder?
Try Gladiator.
Unh.
Ow.
OK.
Why were you so late?
Why do you have to live in the past, girl?
Live in the present, and
focus on the future, our future.
[notification]
Anyway, tell me a little about yourself.
Do you need a Chapstick?
What?
No.
No, I'm... I'm good.
I'm real good.
Like I said, your turn.
Why not.
Well, I've been in the advertising business
for about five years, and
I've been an executive for two.
Hey, five and two.
I'm not looking for a math quiz.
Said, what do you do for work?
I'm an ad executive.
[notification]
Are you going to get that?
No.
No, this?
It should be... well, let's...
[phone ringing]
Actually, give me one second.
Go for big Russell.
What?
Tonight?
Are you serious, girl?
Yeah I'm down.
I'm real down.
Give me 20 minutes.
Uh-huh.
No, of course.
I'll be there with bells
on, nothing but bells on.
Ding a ling.
All right.
Bye.
Hey, look, I can be back in about 35
45... 35 minutes.
Leaving so soon?
Look, doll face.
I'm feeling that you're
not feeling what I'm feeling.
And that's an OK feeling.
No, don't.
You can't leave me.
Oh, come on, don't beg.
It's kind of... it's kind of hot.
But mainly, it's kind of sad.
Double chaser.
Well, he looked like a real winner.
Yeah, with a body like Crowe
and fashion sense like Simmons.
And a drinking habit like Brand.
He ogled other girls and
scheduled a booty call
right in front of me.
Men are pigs.
Ooh, [non-English].
What did we learn?
Never trust Olivia.
More like never pay for
your blind date's alcohol.
VANESSA: $300.
That bad, huh.
And don't even get me
started on the lip licking.
Like, I don't even have
a valid explanation for it.
I...
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to hear that, but
kind of happy it didn't work out.
Not you, too.
This Russell looks so good on paper.
Let's just focus on your bachelorette party
and your wedding.
Of course, we can.
My wedding is where
you're going to meet him.
VANESSA: What did you do?
A new coworker is transferring in.
I invited him to the wedding,
and he's excited to meet you.
How is he excited to meet me?
I told him it is almost a guarantee
to go home with the bridesmaid.
Lizzie.
He said he would love to come.
Well, yeah.
You basically served
me up on a silver platter.
You might as well stick
an apple in my mouth.
Why would you put an apple in your mouth?
[MUSIC - SCARLETT SOLO, "GET ON MY LEVEL"]
To the three rings of marriage,
the engagement ring, the
wedding ring, and the suffering.
(SINGING) Get on my level
Stare and they stop
'Cause I flaunt what I want
Yeah, I'm a rebel
I'm going to do what I do
Try to keep up
Ain't no better
So get on my level
How's it going down there
Cause the weather up here is real nice
In my bag, fill it up
I don't even gotta check the price
Work it, take it, slay it
I don't fake it
I don't play it
If you buy it, I'mma break it
Better play nice
Nah, I'm all right
Under the pressure
Winning and pleasure, we go together
Fame and desire
Not today, Coyote Ugly.
Get ready.
Who's he?
We got a party bus.
[cheering]
(SINGING) Get on my level
Walk that walk
And I talk that talk
Get on my level
Stare and they stop
'cause I flaunt what I want
Yeah, I'm a rebel
I'm going to do what I do
Try to keep up
Ain't no one better
So get on my level
Get on my level
I fucking love you guys.
Toast.
Toast sounds really good right now.
With peanut butter.
Adrian, we need peanut butter.
No, no, a toast.
Elizabeth, if Ward loves
you half as much as we do,
you're going to be OK.
But if he loves you more than us, let
me know, and I will kill him.
Hear, hear.
[notification]
ELIZABETH: And where's the toast?
VANESSA: Who died?
All right, ladies, this is
where I take my leave.
No.
Don't do anything illegal.
If you do, I don't take calls before noon.
Have fun.
I love you so much.
I know you do, sweetie.
Did you eat all the toast?
There was no toast.
Why does Adrian hate toast?
All right.
Good night.
Take care of our girls.
I wonder who she's meeting.
She's meeting someone?
She has to be.
I mean, why else would she leave?
We have liquor.
Maybe... maybe she's filling her lull.
Adrian, get the car.
Yes!
Field trip!
Field trip!
Field trip!
Field trip! Field trip!
Field trip!
Field trip!
What is going on?
Well, get your car.
We're going to follow Olivia.
ADRIAN: We are?
We're taking this show on the road.
I always wanted to be circus folk.
Are you sure this is a good idea?
I'll have you know, I am very talented.
I'm sure you are, but this is...
Just get Vanessa to the car.
OK?
I'll take care of this one.
Oh.
Why do you hate toast?
Oh, this is the first time in my life
I found gloves in a glove box.
What are you doing?
Oh.
Adrian, your registration is due.
No, it is not.
Oh, fuck.
Get out of there. Stop.
Calm down.
I'll leave the gun alone,
and I won't tell anyone
about your Nickelback CD.
Leave him alone.
We know how easily distracted he gets.
I do not get easily distracted.
There was that one time you
forgot to bring us our drinks.
New taco place, cool.
And don't get me started on the toast.
Oh, and there was that one time
I was going through
your glove box, and then...
ADRIAN: No.
We're here.
Where's here?
We followed Olivia.
I knew it.
She's meeting a John.
Be nice.
Yeah, he might be a nice guy.
Who?
John.
That's not what she meant.
Only one way to find out.
I have to work in the morning.
Can we...
Key for Olivia?
Thanks.
[music playing]
Is this fun for you guys?
[giggling]
You're not good at hiding.
What's happening?
It's an elevator.
Vertical transport box.
Long, dark shaft you ride up and down on.
It sounds like she got
off on the ninth floor.
There are only three floors in this hotel.
Which one do you think it is then?
It doesn't matter.
We'll find her.
How?
Easy.
We just follow the
scent of sex and tequila.
Or the howling sounds.
[howling]
[dings]
[MUSIC - GEE SMIFF &
INNXCENT, "BURN IT DOWN"]
If I was you, I would be terrified
It's looking bleak
There's blood in the streets
Whoa
A treat for the freaks
They're feeding the beast
Whoa
It's been a week at least
Since moments of peace
Whoa
Increase the heat
I want to watch it burn
[vocalizing]
We make a badass SWAT team.
Badass.
The swattiest.
[music playing]
Is this her room?
Uh-uh.
How do you know?
She's allergic.
Go figure.
The one who gargles
the most nuts is allergic.
Guys let's... let's use these
cups and listen in on the door.
That's why you're the leader.
What the fuck are you guys doing?
Why are you bleeding?
Oh, my god, I'm bleeding?
No, it's just ketchup.
Why?
Psst.
[mumbling]
What?
No.
Room 321.
Go.
How'd you get the key?
I didn't know your name was John.
It's not.
I'm not.
I chatted up the front desk lady.
She gave me the room key.
I'm hot.
Let's go.
[suspenseful music]
Surprise!
What the hell are you guys doing here?
We're circus folk.
Since you couldn't stay at the party,
we figured we'd bring the party to you.
And meet John.
This isn't a good time.
Oh, if it's a stripper, he
can do a quick show for us.
This really... no.
Come on.
A little after party.
This isn't a good time.
Get out!
It's never... never a good time.
But you're James, not John.
What are you doing here?
Listen.
Listen, it's a long story.
What the fuck are you doing here?
It's a long story.
Why the fuck are you here?
Layla, can we just go home
and talk about this, please?
You want to go home?
You don't have a home anymore,
you homeless fucking fuck face.
How could you do this to us?
We have a family, a son, my son.
I'm going to kill you.
I'm going to kill you!
Hey, hey.
Layla, please.
Just calm down.
You calm the fuck down.
What?
Get out.
Don't.
Don't, don't.
LAYLA: Get out.
Please, Layla, what do you want?
Get out.
Go.
Call an attorney.
I think he did call his
attorney, for a booty call.
What the fuck did you just say?
Come on.
Nothing.
Come on, fucking fuck face, was it?
Fucking fuck face, come on.
And, hey, we're not going camping.
Put the tent away.
Oh, god.
Dude, it's not... it's not
what it looks like, I promise.
I think it might be exactly.
No, no, no, I promise.
Come on.
Layla, I...
No words.
Infuriated.
I can't even look at you.
She's doing a pretty good job so far.
She's staring at her so hard, so...
How could you?
I...
Don't get to talk to me.
But he...
Is my husband.
All you ever talk about
is how unhappy you are.
OK, Olivia.
That doesn't mean you
should fuck my husband.
Really doesn't.
We messed up.
I messed up.
That's not a good enough reason, you bitch.
I wanted to tell you.
Oh, like hell you did.
I did.
OK, fine.
Then tell me now.
I didn't...
No, I don't want to hear it.
Layla, please.
You know, I knew you were a
slut, but not a home wrecker.
I didn't wreck your home.
He's not your big, bad wolf.
I'm going to be sick.
I really think...
Now you start thinking?
Stay out of this.
Don't yell at her.
Guys, I think we should all just stop
and figure this out tomorrow.
No.
We finish this now.
If you would just shut the
fuck up and give me a minute.
I'm going to fuck her up.
S-L-A-P.
Oh.
[screaming]
Damn.
How did you get in here?
I have the key.
Take these two, and go to Lizzie's.
I will find a ride home.
All right, ladies, let's go.
It's getting late.
Don't worry, hon.
This will not impact your wedding.
Of course not.
She didn't sleep with Ward.
If you ever cheat on
your wife, I'll kill you.
I ain't even married.
You've been warned.
Are you OK?
That looked really bad.
Not as bad as what I did to Layla.
I mean, that's true.
This isn't all my fault.
James initiated it?
Not like that.
Then what was it like?
OK.
What does that have to do with anything?
[notification]
You got James.
We dated before he met Layla, way before.
OK, but that's...
No excuse, I know.
It's just.
After the 5683 text, I
just opened up to him.
OK, literally or metaphorically?
Because in this case, it was kind of both.
I told him how I felt, and
he told me he loved me, too.
James said he loved you?
He did.
I know I put on this act that I need a BBW,
but I just want a Prince Charming.
I didn't mean for him to be Layla's.
I love him, and I knew
it before the billboard.
We're going to have to figure this out,
because Lizzie is marrying her
Prince Charming in two weeks.
["Wedding march" playing]
MINISTER: Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today to join
this couple in holy matrimony.
If there is anyone here
that has any reason why
these two should not be wed, speak
now or forever hold your peace.
BEAUMONT: I know of one.
A great, big identical one.
Beaumont?
Beaumont?
Beaumont?
NARRATOR: As the matrimonial
promises strengthen Esperanza
and Beaumont's love,
the arrival of an evil twin
threatens to unravel
the ties that bind them.
Will we find out who the real Beaumont is?
Tune in next time where the
drama runs Deep In Carrsville.
[music - eiloh, "girl's girl"]
[chatter]
(SINGING) To tell you who I am
Let me, let me, let me
'Cause I'm a girl's girl
Nothin' better than a girl's world
No one better to me than a girl's girl
I don't need a man
To tell me who I am
Let me
Everything all right in there?
Mm-hmm.
You look really lovely.
Thank you.
It means a lot to me that
you're here, all of you.
My girls.
We wouldn't miss it for anything.
You can always count on us.
Well, two of us anyway.
Layla.
Has anyone seen my makeup bag?
You know, you don't really
need more than two good friends.
OLIVIA: Layla, can you give
me a break for, like, a minute?
Can you unfuck my husband for, like, ever?
OK, I know I should have
handled things a little bit
differently.
You shouldn't have handled James at all.
Can you just stop
unplugging my curling iron?
Lizzie, can you please tell her no.
Don't bring Lizzie into this.
Sorry.
Vanessa, tell her no.
She says no.
I'm trying, but she's not
making it easy, like, at all.
I am so sorry it's not easy for you.
I'm sorry you lost your husband.
I didn't lose shit.
He was taken from me.
I'm sorry, Lizzie.
I can't.
Wait.
Please don't go.
We got a party bus.
[music playing]
(SINGING) It's a brand new day, hey
Wake up every morning and say
It's a brand new day, hey
Take a good day, make it great
OK, 'cause if you got some
lemons, make some lemonade
Yeah, chase those clouds away
It's a brand new day, hey
It's a brand new day
It's a brand new day
EMCEE: Ladies and gentlemen,
Lizzie and Ward Baker.
[cheering]
Smash it in her face!
You need to slow down.
My god, how many have you had?
Maybe four.
Already?
Four?
Layla gave them to me.
She's trying to be nice.
I didn't want to be rude.
That's a good thing, I guess.
Hey, I haven't seen
Rusty yet, but he'll be here.
I'm sure of it, I hope.
It's OK.
This is your day.
I know.
But thanks for everything.
This day is perfect.
Of course.
Now, you go and dance with
the luckiest man on the planet.
Did you know that Olivia
has been enjoying the drinks
you've been getting her?
Did you know I've been cycling
through uppers and painkillers
for days?
I did not.
One gets me to sleep.
The other gets me through the day.
OK, well, we're going to have
a chat about this tomorrow.
But first and foremost, why
are you being so nice to Olivia?
Putting that bitch to sleep.
Who?
Big Red Riding horn.
What did you do?
She took James, so I'm taking tonight.
Now, who wants this Dick?
We'll talk through this tomorrow.
Promise me.
Your girls are going crazy tonight.
Oh, god.
Don't even get me started.
Like last weekend?
I'm so sorry.
I am so sorry you got
dragged into that, too.
I'd rather have been there than not.
Really?
I actually... thank you.
I didn't actually get a
chance to say thank you.
So thank you.
Anytime.
Well, not anytime, but anytime.
I don't know how you do it.
Oh, it's exhausting.
I can imagine.
That explains the uppers?
[glass clinking]
[applause]
Olivia, stop.
Stop what?
I'm not starting.
VANESSA: You will not stop moving.
What are you talking about? I'm not.
Can we eat soon?
I'm content, but I'm really hungry.
We literally just ate.
Can I give a speech?
I really love Lizzie.
No, no.
I don't want you talking
to anyone tonight, actually.
Let's leave the speeches to Layla.
Layla, you mixed them up.
I did, didn't I. I fixed them up.
CROWD: Toast!
Toast! Toast!
Toast! Toast!
Toast!
You cannot give a toast like this.
Can I do it?
I love to talk.
No.
No, I will do the toast.
Weddings are a coming together
event of times where loving
people loving their share.
[whispering]
Layla.
Let her finish.
It's beautiful.
Two people make a heart.
A love of heart.
Together they must fight the arrows.
Layla.
Layla.
Just a love minute.
They must dance.
Can we dance too?
No.
They must dance around the arrows.
I want to dance.
Is there cake?
Drink some water.
Why?
It's liquid cake.
Fat babies with wings shoot these arrows.
Not all babies are fat.
Mine was.
Split me open.
OK.
All right.
Thank you, Layla, for
that wonderful speech.
No.
I think what Layla was trying to say...
I gotta pee.
I think what Layla was trying to say
is that love is a wonderful thing,
and you have to fight for what you love.
And what you two share is so special
that you will welcome the fat, cute babies
and fight off the ones wielding
bow and arrows together.
Let's cheers to the happy couple.
Thank you.
[cheering]
Did I miss anything?
Ooh, cake.
She did not wash her hands.
[MUSIC - SPARKZ, "PICTURE PERFECT GURL"]
Yeah, you got that vibe
Makes them come alive
You're so picture perfect
Yeah, you at the walk that walk
Watch those eyes go pop
You're so picture perfect
Lookin' so good, yeah
Feeling so bad
You have to come with me right now.
What about Layla?
Layla, stay.
See? She'll be fine.
Come on.
Honey, look who I found.
Vanessa, this is Rusty.
Hello.
Oh, honey.
Look, Aunt Susan.
We should say hi.
We should say hi.
You two talk, dance, enjoy.
I guess Aunt Susan... oh.
(SINGING) Everybody
want to be you like a fad
So run with it
Just keep going with it
Is she with you?
Sadly, yes.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, I'm assuming you
taught her all those moves.
Again, sadly, yes.
Sadly, it is, a little bit.
But you, you're adorable.
It's one of the best
that there's ever been.
It's really an allegory
for a lot of people.
It's a really big deal, I think.
So are you acclimating to the city well?
Yeah, I'd say so, but I feel like there's
something missing maybe.
Oh, my god, it's so nice to
see you dancing with a partner.
You know, not alone.
Who's this hunk?
This is Rusty.
Hi, Rusty.
Russ.
Russ.
Oh, the Russell.
He's hot.
Get him.
Thank you, Olivia.
Let's go.
Oh, this is my jam!
Yeah.
Oh my god, I'm sorry.
She's a firecracker.
Oh.
Anyway, I would love to
take you around the city.
Yeah, I think that would be really great.
Yeah, just let me know
if I'm going too fast.
No, no, no.
I think this song is the perfect
speed for us, unlike others.
Yeah.
Well, I really think you'd enjoy the new...
Oh, sorry.
I really think you'd enjoy
the new... excuse me.
Can I help you?
Oh, no worries, no worries.
She's with me.
What?
Well, she saw you were interested in me,
then she was interested in you.
I don't follow.
We'd like you to join us.
Like a throuple.
Whoa, easy now.
Think this relationship is probably going
to be a better start for us.
That sounds crowded.
That's a crowd I'd like to be
smack dab in the middle of.
I...
Hey, hey.
Her, you, me.
Do you guys hear that?
I'm coming.
I didn't hear anything.
Fuck.
You.
Want to dance dirty?
No, stop.
I can't.
Yes you can.
Remember that time when me and...
Layla is gone.
Come here, come here.
You don't hear that?
Hear what?
My hair is literally growing right now.
I do not have time for this.
I have to search the hotel for our friend.
I'll check the room.
I'm faster than the elevator.
Hey, where'd you say you
wanted these towels again?
Those are going to go in room 236.
[music playing]
What's this all about?
I'm not sure.
It's probably from the reception next door.
Oh, wow.
And the bartender says
it was a bar bitch you ate.
[chuckling]
Well, well, well.
Two wayward travelers meet
the woman of their dreams.
Sounds like a porno.
Could be.
Could be.
We can do things that the industry
hasn't even heard of yet.
What's left?
I'm just spitballing here, but I
could be slutty Red Riding Hood, and you
can be the Big, Bad Wolf.
And you will be Grandma.
I really need a BBW right now.
I think I've seen that one before, though.
Rewrite, rewrite.
You... no, you will be
Grandpa and punish me.
I've been a bad girl.
You believe this shit?
Take her upstairs.
Are you fucking serious right now?
You heard what she said.
She wants this.
Good evening, gentlemen.
May I be of any assistance?
No, ma'am.
We're just helping our
friend here to her room.
All of you?
Yeah, if that's all right with you.
That depends.
Bride or groom?
What?
You're clearly here for the wedding.
Bride or groom?
Bride.
Groom.
Put her down now.
Why don't you get back
behind that fucking front desk.
We're taking her.
Oh, you fucking bitch.
Don't you fucking move.
Call the police.
Get someone from the
wedding to get her out of here.
OK.
[radio chatter]
Oh, good.
You found her.
What the fuck's that about?
Where were you?
I checked the whole third floor.
Nothing.
We're on the second floor.
I knew that.
Ma'am, you cannot be
knocking on people's doors
pretending to be room service.
Relax.
Everyone's fine, but the
west ice machine is down.
And watch it with that ma'am shit.
Your room's covered.
Oh, you didn't...
Does that include the minibar?
If your friend needs, she
can contact Miss Brown.
They have Skittles.
Thank you.
You guys are so lucky to have me.
I can literally taste the rainbow.
Give me a red one.
[music playing]
Up, both of you.
Uh-uh, you too.
How'd things with Rusty go?
They didn't.
You need to call the manager,
because you guys went all Fear
and Loathing on me last night.
I can't believe that.
Believe it.
You guys were ridiculous.
You checked every room?
The third floor, but yeah, every room.
I can't say that we're friends
again, but I can say thank you.
VANESSA: Do you know how many times
I had to swipe left before I
found a Russell Anderson?
LAYLA: Love is pain, baby.
VANESSA: And the search
results said there was like, a million.
How come I only matched with one?
LAYLA: You have to
be excited about this one.
You picked him.
Yeah, but it's also the end of the list.
If RJ isn't the one, then what's left?
Have a little faith.
There's something distinguished
about Russell Joseph.
Distinguished or serial killerish?
Stop.
He not only looks good on paper,
he looks really good in person.
[baby crying]
You know, this whole thing
was a joke in the beginning.
But now what if it doesn't work out?
LAYLA: Quit whining.
You're fine.
I'm not whining.
I was talking to Andrew.
Where is James?
He's out searching for his
white picket fence fantasy
with you know who.
Have you texted Sam?
You know, I'm really impressed that you
saw this whole thing through,
no matter how stupid it's been.
[thumping]
Damn it.
This is never going to work.
LAYLA: Quit playing with your cookies.
But they're uneven.
LAYLA: Still talking to Andrew.
How are you feeling?
I'm feeling like if this doesn't work out,
I'm going to burn that
billboard to the ground.
Well, I got matches and
lighter fluid and an unfulfilled
desire to fuck some shit up.
Careful.
It's a school night.
Just be yourself.
Have some fun.
That's what it's supposed to be all about.
And if not, I am serious
about the billboard.
I really do have matches on me.
OK, love you.
Bye.
Love you too.
[music playing]
Hey.
Oh, no no, no, don't get up.
Sorry.
I mean, I'm usually the one sitting
here waiting and waiting
for hours and hours,
and it's like it's...
OK.
What?
You're stunning.
I love your dress.
Oh, this old thing.
Have you been here before?
I cannot say that I have.
Well, I took the liberty...
Of ordering for me?
Is that your thing, your shtick?
No, I don't really have a shtick.
[phone ringing]
Sorry.
I forgot to silence that.
I'm sorry.
Look, I've been here before.
Why don't we just lay all
our cards out on the table,
just really let our hair down.
[music playing]
He's perfect.
Cheers.
So how much have you had to drink?
How much are you planning on drinking?
Cute.
How many kids do you have?
OK, right into it then.
How many kids do you want?
Cheeky.
How long have you been married?
What?
That's it.
Yeah, of course.
You're married, and you're wining
and dining your next prospect.
No, it's not like that.
I don't have any prospects.
Oh, come on.
You're playing the field.
You literally have a profile.
I didn't set that up.
That was made for me.
VANESSA: Oh, yeah, I bet so.
They said that I was ready
for this, but clearly I'm not.
Not ready for what?
To help me build my white picket
fence, to actually settle down,
commit to someone, to find
your, what, one true love?
I had that, and I lost her two years ago.
Look, dinner has been paid
for, and if you need anything,
like drinks or a ride or therapy,
my hostess will help you out.
I got a feeling that you're
not feeling what I'm feeling.
And that's an OK feeling.
Oh, hey.
Big date?
You look... you look amazing.
Oh, this old thing?
You don't dress like this
unless you're going out.
I'm actually heading in.
Reception guy not work out for you?
Different guy.
Reception guy came with a wife.
Ooh, cheater thing, or,
like, a three-way thing?
More like a no way, no how, not
interested kind of thing, kind
of like everyone in me recently.
So.
You want a hug?
Yeah, I kinda do.
Yeah.
[music playing]
Hey, if you're interested,
I'm meeting with Grace
for, like, an open mic.
Maybe next time.
Hey.
For next time.
Thanks.
You left me to die in that dungeon.
I left you Twinkies.
I fucking hate Twinkies.
And what was your plan?
To take over my rightful
place as head of the company.
Father should have
never kept you in charge.
And her?
PAUL: After she was
gone, take over her distillery
and run everything south of Kentucky.
Gone?
Were you trying to kill me?
Not anymore.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Beaumont.
I'm Beaumont.
That's Paul, and he's
out to steal your company.
But he stole my heart.
Sorry to interrupt, but we
got the test results back,
and mama and baby are doing just fine.
[dramatic music]
ESPERANZA (ON TV): It doesn't matter.
I'm willing this baby.
It's going to be so...
[phone ringing]
BEAUMONT (ON TV): So out of its mind,
because it's a baby of
someone who tried to kill you.
ESPERANZA (ON TV): Calm down.
I'm getting agitated here.
What?
Hey, you.
Sounds like a rough night.
Is he still there?
Nope.
So how's RJ?
Crashed and burned.
What did he do?
Not him.
Me.
Don't worry.
We'll find him.
I think that I am done looking
for Mr. Russell Anderson.
They say you find what
you're looking for when
you're not looking for it.
Who says that?
Confucius.
Look, when I get back,
the search will continue.
All right.
Can't wait.
[notification]
BEAUMONT (ON TV): Do you want a Twinkie?
ESPERANZA (ON TV): I think so.
This is just not me.
It's the baby.
BEAUMONT (ON TV): OK.
We need some Twinkies, maybe some pickles.
What do you want?
ESPERANZA (ON TV): I just want it all.
We have a company.
How we cannot get
cinnamon-flavored Twinkies?
BEAUMONT (ON TV): We'll
put them in the vending machines.
You said you wanted...
[music playing]
(SINGING) I don't know
if I have it in me to try.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Incoming message from Olivia.
Hey, girl.
Just checking up on you.
The billboard was right, but I was wrong.
You don't need a BBW.
Be your own big, bad wolf.
Hugs and kisses.
(SINGING) All I want is happiness.
Give it to me.
Give it to me now.
Can I help you find something.
I don't even know what I'm looking for.
OK.
Are you going to do something about that?
I'm not even supposed to be here today.
So you're just going to let it happen?
Why not?
They're so much in love right now.
And in a world full of drama,
judgment, and negativity,
you get someone to make you
forget about all that, someone
to be there, to lean on, to hold you,
even for a moment, that's true love.
That's beautiful.
Other times, they're all over the place,
knocking shit over, tearing up magazines.
Then a titty pops out.
It's pure comedy.
When did you stop selling yogurt?
Looks like what you're
looking for is right in front of you.
Hey, you two.
That's too close to the magazines.
Get back over with... there's a titty.
Comedy, huh.
Tonight.
So I was talking to my neighbor.
She's she's really cool,
really funny, kind of cute.
Don't tell her I said that.
Just kidding.
You can if you want to.
We were talking, and she...
She came out of her apartment, and she
had this kind of like a skincare
routine, like a face mask.
It was this creamy white kind of
an incandescent glow about her.
And I said, oh, you wearing,
like, a skincare thing?
That's cool. And she
said, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's homemade, actually.
My boyfriend and I make these.
I said, oh that's that's kind of cool,
business venture or something.
And she said, yeah it's great.
It works awesomely.
My skin has never been tighter.
I feel like I'm aging backwards.
She says, no, it works.
And can I tell you something?
Can I tell you a little secret?
Sure, I like a little secret.
Sure.
She says it's my boyfriend's cum.
What?
What the fuck?
What?
That's insane.
And she says, yeah.
It works.
I don't it's fun for him.
It's fun for me.
It's easy.
Bing, bang, boom, we're in, we're out.
So I tried it.
Yeah, it works.
[laughter]
You know what? She's right.
It is easy.
That guy fucking came, like, immediately.
[knocking on door]
I'm sorry.
I was told...
Told to what, bring me
another thing to occupy my time?
Thank you.
Fucking Lizzie.
No, you called me.
I mean, I guess I'm not
surprised you don't remember me.
Who are you?
Samantha Brown.
Sam.
I just wanted to come by and check on you
and just make sure you're doing OK.
I should go.
Wait.
This isn't what I was expecting.
I mean, don't you usually
bring a lady flowers?
Well, you know, flowers die.
I wanted to bring you
something that would last.
Well, looks like she could use a drink.
Care to join us?
[music playing]
[chatter]
You just got to get out and do it.
You know, open MICS just go.
It's a grind. It's hard.
You're going to bomb.
I haven't in, like, probably,
I don't know, a day or two.
Yeah, no, he's great.
But you seemed really good.
Oh, thanks.
Oh, actually, do you mind?
- I'm going to take a...
- Yeah, go ahead.
All right.
Hey, glad you could make it.
Yeah, no problem.
It's not like I had anywhere else to be.
OK.
That hurts.
Pity visit.
No, no, that is not what I meant.
Oh, shit.
Did I just walk into a pity party for you?
Oh, stop it Don't be mean.
Don't be mean.
What could you possibly
have to be sad about?
Everything?
Yes, you're the loneliest,
most friendless, ugliest
failure I've ever known.
Yeah, it's true.
Yes, you're right.
You're going to make...
You're going to make me do this.
You're going to make
me be the sincere friend.
This is insane.
OK.
Vanessa, you are an amazing person.
You are.
You're wickedly talented.
You have great friends.
You have great skin.
I mean, a true success,
10 out of 10, no notes.
OK.
Yeah.
I mean, even I wanted to be
tea bagged most of last year.
You're not funny.
Until it happened.
Stop it.
I hate the taste.
Too earthy.
Little hairy.
Bad stuff.
I'm going to leave.
No.
Just... so what is it?
It's just I thought...
This is going to sound stupid.
I thought that dating
would have been easier.
I mean, it can be hard, but
as long as you're having fun.
See, that's the thing, though.
This is the most fun
I've had in a long time.
But that's OK, right?
You focus on yourself, cut out the drama.
Just let things happen.
But they were all supposed to be the one.
The guys I've seen you with
are all completely different.
What do you mean, they were
all supposed to be the one?
They all had the core characteristic.
What are you talking about?
The core characteristic.
They all had the name of my true love.
OK.
They all... what?
They all had the name of your true love?
You were dating these
guys based on their name.
Yes.
Why?
Because a billboard told us to.
Oh, a billboard.
People haven't been
influenced by billboards
for, like, 50 years.
What are you talking about?
The 5683 billboard
with old Aunt Betty on it?
That's the one.
Oh, my Lord.
It was my great friend's idea.
I'm sure it was.
Interesting concept, though.
GRACE: Don't you think we should get going?
You want to walk out with me?
Yeah.
[chatter]
Hey, can I call you sometime?
Why?
In case I need a dog walker or something.
Or maybe you and I can walk the dog.
Or you walk me, I walk you,
we leave the dog at home,
let him watch Deep In
Carrsville all by himself.
What about her?
Oh, Grace?
She won't mind.
I'm not really looking for a
three-lationship kind of thing.
A what?
No, she's my... she's my sister.
What are you...
Rusty, let's go.
Rusty.
Yeah.
Adrian's a stage name.
I thought it was a little more unique.
I don't know.
Do you know how many Rusty Andersons
there are in this town?
It's weird.
GRACE: Rusty.
You don't say.
And, hey, I'll call you sometime.
We'll get together for a Dick marathon.
[music playing]
Audio rolling.
Scene 5, take 1.
This is never going to work.
CREW: Oh, light.
Light coming up.
Oh.
We love making movies.
Oh my god.
Should I... should I teabag your friend?
CREW: Another one
where he throws it up to you.
He throws it up to you.
You're just, like, completely
surprised that he even
had the strength to do this.
[laughter]
Layla said we'd get
some brunch at the cafe.
Oh, I'm sorry, I can't.
I fucking can't.
Fucking front desk.
We're taking her.
Are you OK?
If you ever cheat on
your wife, I'll kill you.
I ain't even married.
You've been warned.
Fair enough.
That fell.
Let's go.
Leaving so soon?
Fuck.
Are you going to finish that or let's
sit out like a common vagabond?
Nothing but bells on.
Aroo!
Oh my god.
Oh, god, it burns!
I knew it.
She's meeting a John.
Be nice.
Yeah, he might be a nice guy.
Was that Jennifer Coolidge?
That was pretty good.
(SINGING) You are the dancing
queen, young and sweet, only 17.
CREW: This is the last take of it.
No pressure.
And action.
Oh, I forgot.
CREW: Take it back.
Sorry.
There's so much pressure.
Look, you girls are
annoying, but I love you.
But get the fuck out of my store.
Oh, OK.
That's it.
Hey.
What the fuck?
[laughter]
Oh!
Oh!
Boom.
For the mama.
That sounds weird coming out.
Fuck yeah it does.
All right.
Do-da, do-da, do-da, do-da.
[music playing]
What?
Paul?
After everything, Paul?
They were meant to be.
That's like if you picked
that lip licker over me.
VANESSA: That's not funny.
Come on.
I have Chapstick.