5th of July (2019) Movie Script

[water gurgling]
[insects buzzing]
-[medical equipment beeping]
-[raspy breathing]
Orlando, I want you to know
that it brings me so much peace
to know that you're going
to move into my home
without selling it.
Dad, you're a renter.
-[rapid beeping]
-[Pops farting]
[Orlando groans]
I have one more favor to ask.
Remember when I took you camping
up to Mosquito Lake
for the Fourth of July?
Sure, but of course.
I want you to go back on
the next Fourth of July
and spread my ashes
on the water of Mosquito Lake.
Can you do that for me?
-Aw, pops, that's illegal.
-[Pops retching]
Well, hey, hey, hey.
Pops, pops, pops, I'll do it.
I'll do it.
[phone] Bonjour.
Oh, la, la, la, la, la, la.
There is something I really,
really want to tell you.
[lively music]
[Orlando yawning]
[Orlando sighs]
I had nothing to do with this.
[lively music]
[birds chirping]
Bonjour! Oh-la-la-la!
There is something--
Don't you ever miss?
You always know the author.
Are you on the road already?
Ready to go.
And Pops is right here beside me
in the passenger seat.
Are you as excited as
I am about your trip
to California tomorrow night?
I am so excited,
apprehensive, scared.
God, I can't wait
to see you again.
Oh, honey, I want your
trip to be perfect.
I've detailed my entire
house just for you.
And don't you worry
about anything because
I have taken
care of everything.
It's hard to believe
that we've known each
other for six months
-and we've only seen
each other once.
-It's crazy, isn't it?
-[phone chimes]
-Oh, I got to take this call.
It's my mother.
Oh, I understand.
Karen, are you still
planning on going through
with that trip of yours?
[sighs] Mama, why can't
you be more supportive?
We did not pay for braces
on your teeth
for you to end up with
a French teacher,
who at 35 is still a bachelor.
Mom, he is a French professor
of literature, and he's 33.
You forget, girl,
I met him once.
And I'm telling you there is
something not right with him.
He is a very responsible man.
Responsible? [laughs]
Look, okay, I'll
make you a deal.
If he doesn't show up at the
airport on time to pick you up,
you're going to get on
the next plane back to DC.
-Promise me, Karen.
-I promise.
All right, then.
[big band music]
-[lively music]
-[arrow buzzing]
[birds chirping]
[Orlando sighs]
[comical music]
-Happy Fourth of July.
-Happy Fourth of July
to you, too.
-That's a nice dog.
-What's his name?
-Yeah. I rescued him and
it's the only word
I can get him to respond to.
So where are you heading?
Oh, oh, oh, I'm just
uh, here for a day hike.
Nice, nice.
Do you come here often?
Well, when I was a
kid with my father,
every Fourth of July.
You know, I noticed
those marmots
are still getting under
the car there, just eating
through everything.
It's actually not the marmots.
They haven't been a problem
this year.
It's this uh... this ferret
that is causing me the
prob-- there he is!
-[comical music]
-[ferret squeaking]
Gosh darn, he's fast.
So you going to joining us
for fireworks tonight?
-Around here?
-Oh, gosh, no.
Down at the bottom by
the Welcome Center.
Oh. Oh, I don't think so.
I'm kind of here to
get away from all that.
But thanks for the invite,
Ranger Cantor.
Oh, [chuckles] you can
call me Ranger Sarah.
Ranger Sarah.
Nicely done, sir.
Going to go hike.
Come back, whenever.
-[serene music]
-[birds chirping]
[Orlando sighs]
[serene gospel choir music]
[Orlando groans]
I always hated these
stupid trips,
roughing it in nature,
make you more of a man.
You know, all it ever did was
make me cold, wet, and sick.
And why'd you have
to shoot George?
Rest in peace.
-[wind blowing]
-[flatulence rumbling]
-[birds chirping]
-[water gurgling]
-[Orlando sighs]
-[serene music]
[ominous music]
[twangy suspenseful music]
-[birds chirping]
-[water gurgling]
[serene music]
[suspenseful music]
[car alarm blaring]
[dramatic music]
[twangy suspenseful music]
-[dramatic music]
-[Orlando groaning]
[twangy suspenseful music]
[dramatic music]
-Well, hello lady.
-Happy Fourth of July.
[comical music]
-There could be fireworks.
[dramatic music]
[twangy suspenseful music]
[dramatic music]
-[Orlando groans]
-Come on, buddy, come on.
-Good boy, good boy.
Oh, hey, you decided to see
the fireworks after all.
No, listen, someone
took all my things,
my car keys, my wallet,
my cell phone.
Wait, that's my cell phone.
-Thank you, oh.
-I just found it.
Thank God.
Okay, now, this is a good start.
Yeah, I'm going to need
to see some ID first.
No, you don't understand,
I have nothing.
Everything I owned was
in that backpack.
I need your help, please.
I'm sorry, but I can't
give it to you
without proper ID, sir.
May I ask, where
did you find it?
Oh, right there by that
very girly car.
Okay, that's right,
but that's my car.
-Oh, [laughs] really?
-Don't you remember
when I parked it right here,
you and I met a couple
of hours ago?
Okay, yeah, but that
doesn't mean
it's registered to you, sir.
I'll tell you what, tell you
what. I will give you my
number, and you can dial it,
and you can hear
my voice message.
Yeah no, that's not gonna work
because cell phones
don't work up here.
See, no bars.
Ah, Food, stop it. Food!
I'll show you some pictures.
I'll show you some pictures,
and then you will know
that the phone is mine.
Okay, I've got some questions
first, sir.
What's your name?
-Uh huh.
-Orlando Leal, Jr.
-Okay. Where do you live?
-San Jose.
Professor of French Literature
at San Jose Community College.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Uh, huh-huh, you mean, "Oui,
oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui."
Oh. [laughs]
-Okay, here.
You can enter your password.
-Oh. Is that your wife?
-It's my girlfriend.
-Oay, look, I'll tell you what
I'm gonna do. I am gonna
write you a report.
Maybe someone will find your
things and turn them in.
Going to get to it.
Maybe? I'll freeze out
here tonight.
What am I supposed to do?
Hey, what about that ferret?
I mean, that thing will just
chew right through my new car.
No, no, I need your help.
I have to pick up my girlfriend
from the airport tomorrow,
and I cannot be late.
Show some compassion.
Can you give me a ride?
Oh, park regulations prohibit
anyone but park employees
but park employees from
riding in official vehicles
within national parks, sir.
Maybe you'll find a ride
with someone else.
Happy Fourth. [clicks teeth]
Independence. Come on.
Maybe I'll burn this
damned park down,
and then that will give you
a reason to call the cops.
[Sarah] That's illegal, sir,
no matches in the park.
[twangy suspenseful music]
-[hip hop music]
-[people chattering]
Then I realized after
I bought it, fuck,
-all gold in here.
-[phone ringing]
By then, I already
spent all my money.
-Oh I know--
-Unknown number.
Oh, thank you, thank you,
baby girl.
Yo, yo, hello, what's
up, what's up?
Hello, Jerome.
It's me.
I don't know nobody named Me.
Look, where in the hell
is Francisquito Street?
What? Who the fuck cares and
who the fuck is this?
And the name ain't no Jerome,
understand? The name is Cowboy.
Oh, come on, Jerome.
We spent nine and a half
months in a cell together
-and you already forgot.
-Oh, shit, [laughs] it's
that Crazy Cracker Dakota.
Everybody say Crazy
Cracker Dakota.
-[all] Hey,
Crazy Cracker Dakota!
-[Cowboy] Hey, look, bud.
It's been like three years
since I saw you last, man.
And the name ain't no Jerome.
I told you the name
is now Cowboy.
Anyway, that's where
this guy lives,
and well, he's black like you,
and I thought you'd know him,
and that whole thing.
That's some real racist shit.
And what are you talking
about, man?
I need you to focus
in now, okay?
What are you talking about?
I found this guy's wallet
and his keys,
and I remember in jail
that you told me
that if I ever came
across something
that I thought would
be of your interest,
that I should call you and
then we'd split it 50/50.
Yeah, I know that's all true and
everything man, but you being
real unpatriotic right now.
This is the Fourth of July,
understand? This is like
the birth of our nation
and I'm celebrating the
birth like a newborn baby
sucking on some American titties
and some Russian titties, too,
be honest with you.
Oh, come on, you're still
doing gigs, aren't you?
I've been looking
for an opportunity
like this for a long time now,
and mainly just to show you
that I'd be a great partner.
Well, you could tell
a real cowboy
by the kind of
horse he's riding.
I'm talking about riding
your ass, girl.
I'm talking about
riding your ass.
Hey, man, this dude
better be worth it.
[laughs] This dude
is worth gold.
Alright then, looks like
we might have ourselves
a little deal in the making.
Thank you, white girls.
[owls hooting]
[patriotic big band music]
[phone ring tone
French national anthem]
-Karen, baby, ooh, it's me.
Orlando, are you okay,
Honey Boo?
I ran into some problems.
What, I can hardly hear you.
Did you say you have a problem?
Oh, no, no, it's nothing
that you need to worry about.
I lost my wallet and I might
need you to call Greyhound
and get me a ticket
back to San Jose.
Honey, what is all that noise?
I can't hear anything.
What's wrong?
-Do I have to cancel my trip?
-No, no.
-No, no, I told you--
-[crowd] Nine, eight--
-Everything will be perfect.
-[crowd] Seven, six--
-I'll call you again.
-[crowd] Five, four--
-I said I'll call you again.
[crowd] Three, two, one!
-[fireworks popping]
-[crowd cheering]
-I'll call you again.
-Okay, okay.
-[fireworks popping]
-[crowd chattering]
-For the Fourth of July?
No, on the places you will go.
Oh, you'll get there.
-You guys have transportation?
-Yes, we do,
and you are going to be the one
who will decide where to go--
Because you know what you know.
Exactly, I know where to go
and I know how to get there.
[laughs] Okay, I am
Orlando Leal, Jr.
Finally, you gals are
like a gift from heaven.
I'm Fabella.
-Call me Fab.
And I'm Gwendon, but
you can call me Gwendon.
Oh, it's settled, you're
Gwendon. You're Gwendon.
Come on, let's go. Let's go,
let's get out of here.
Listen, I am in a bad
situation all day.
Are you cold? I was spreading
my father's ashes
-and, you know, it's illegal.
-It's beautiful stars.
[Orlando] Yeah no
it's a very, very,
-very beautiful night.
-And do you feel the air?
The air is very fresh,
it's very fresh.
Really, I need to get home,
I have to, what is this?
-It's a bus.
-A bus?
Okay, that's, that's perfect.
[laughs] That's perfect.
But it runs, doesn't it?
Come on in.
[trippy music]
Orlando, this is our
journey companion, Negris.
Wait, are these your
stage names?
-Are you in a band?
-Come on, sit down.
All the world's a stage.
He's going to join us
in our ceremony.
I don't know anything
about the ceremony,
but I was kind of wondering
if you fellow travelers
would help me get
back to San Jose.
If San Jose is your destination,
San Jose it shall be.
-[girls giggling]
-Thank you.
That's very kind of you,
yeah, thanks.
-You see, I lost my wallet.
-Shh, it doesn't matter
what you've done or
where you've been.
What's important
is where you are,
and you have the right
to be here. [laughs]
Oh, yeah, the big picture,
I get that.
It's kind of this
existential idea,
which actually is basically
French, right?
Be here now.
-[Negris exhales deeply]
[funky music]
-[laughs] Yeah.
Yeah, didn't I tell you
I'd come through?
That's one of the things
you said, yeah.
Well, we got a deal, Jerome?
No, man. I got out of
my ho-filled hot tub,
put on my boots,
brought two of my guys
out here and their truck,
just to look at your
ugly ass face.
And the name is Cowboy, asshole.
Well, now, I don't want
to call you Asshole.
-Those are nice boots, though.
-Stop looking at my boots.
-Stop looking at the boots.
-Well, I like them.
Let me see the fucking wallet.
Yeah, uh-hum!
We said 50/50.
Be cool, man, alright?
I'm cool, you cool.
You cool?
Then I'm cool.
Oh, brother, huh?
Mr. Orlando, where does this
dude live? Where's his house?
Right there. Why do you think
I'm parked there?
I see. Did you stake it out?
Someone might be home.
It's dark in there.
Are you afraid of the dark?
-You look like a mountain man.
Okay, then, take the keys,
go inside,
-and see if there's
anything in there to take.
-Yes, you.
-No. Isn't that supposed
to be your job?
Alright, alright. Let me just
break down this work
relationship to you, alright?
My name is Cowboy,
and what I do is
I provide transportation
and dissemination of goods.
And you, my friend,
you are Dakota,
and your job is to
secure said goods,
secure them in
that house, brother.
Alright, get out of the
truck, go do your job.
[twangy suspenseful music]
-There you go.
-Ain't no goddamn--
-Don't mumble, man.
-[Dakota mumbling]
-[Dakota groans]
-[dog barking]
Let's see what we got here.
[chuckles] Motherload.
Well, hey, look, I need you
to run a little credit check
for me, man,
on a line of credit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
last name Leal,
first name Orlando.
That's a bullshit name, right?
Yeah, he's black, too.
Yeah, that's crazy.
-[twangy music]
-[Dakota moaning]
What? Get, get, get over here.
Go, no, come here.
What the heck is this, you
all are selling ice cream now?
This is like residential
camouflage, man,
nobody will know.
I mean, look at the
white folks love ice cream.
This is my brother-in-law's,
okay, it's all I could get,
-but we can fit a lot inside.
-Alright, alright.
Back it up, let's fill it up.
Come on.
-Good, just be careful, man,
just don't--
-And you are?
Oh, I got you.
We are [clears throat]
we are volunteers, ma'am.
-Oh, yeah?
Oh, we from the charity.
We're here to take Orlando's
old furniture to charity.
Oh, is he moving?
'Cause he told me he
was just going to go
to Sequoia for the day.
Oh, no, no, no, no,
he's not moving.
See, it's his lucky night,
he just won
all new furniture
in a big sweepstakes,
and we're here to
take his old stuff
and donate it to the charity.
-Oh, yeah?
-What charity?
-Oh, that would be
the uh, Save The Free
Range Chicken Charity.
Oh, yeah.
You know, I had an uncle, he's
defunct now, my To Chato,
but anyway, that's
another story.
Like I was saying, he
liked to get involved
with a whole bunch of
charities to the point
that his wife wouldn't
even talk to him anymore
'cause he never paid
attention to her.
It became like a, what do
you call that, a compulsion.
-So she finally
ended up divorcing him.
Oh, oh, that's a lot of words
to come out of your mouth.
Oh, yeah. Well, I could tell you
some stories, you know.
-I bet you could.
-[phone ringing]
Oh, hold on.
Ooh, Meche.
Hey you're not going
to believe this,
but you know my next
door neighbor,
well, he just won a bunch
of new furniture in
this sweepstakes.
And these really cool
guys are here.
They're going to take all
the old furniture away.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, remember, my
next door neighbor, Orlando.
-Of course we're good friends.
Yeah, what do you mean?
-Okay. Alright, I'll see you
in a bit. Okay, bye.
[comical mariachi music]
We're going to need
these boxes for
the stuff in the living room.
[Tato] Simon.
-Fuck this!
-Come on, let's go.
Come on.
What do we got here?
One elk.
It's not an elk.
Oh, my bad, one reindeer.
It's not a damned reindeer.
-Well, what is it?
-It's a moose.
Right here, ndale.
-We want to donate
some stuff, too.
This is my friend
Jasmine and Juan.
Juan's unemployed right now,
but that's another story.
Anyway, like Mother Theresa
said, "Give until it hurts."
[Cowboy] That's very
nice of you.
Hey, boss, we ain't
got no more room.
-Especially for an antelope.
-It's a moose!
Okay, geez.
[ethereal music]
You know, I, I really appreciate
you guys helping me out.
-My car is here, but my stuff--
All of you on the streets
We are bound to be transported
to the spirit world.
Well, I don't need
to go that far.
San Jose will do.
This plant is from
the Brazilian forest.
-I got it from a shaman.
-Oh, well, this, listen,
this looks really fun
and all but I,
I really just need to know
when you're planning
on heading back,
you know, just like
ballpark estimate.
Yes, it's all natural.
With all due respects
to your religion,
I mean, it is a religion.
I'm just not really
into this kind of stuff.
It's called virola,
extracted from trees
of the genus.
And what does the plant do?
Its principal psychoactive
include powerful tryptamine
alkaloids and beta carbolines.
But what does it do?
It promotes the ascension
of the spirit.
-through the mucous membranes.
-[girls giggling]
[Orlando chokes and coughs]
There is no reason to be afraid.
Me, afraid?
No, I'm not, I'm not afraid.
-Follow me.
-Oh, oh, wait,
I'm dizzy.
Oh, my head's spinning.
-Oh, I'm falling apart.
-Within the next 100 years,
you have to ask yourself,
what type of planet
are we going to be
or are we all going to
be planets ourselves?
-Survival is not
a guarantee, man.
And fighting for it is optional.
[Orlando groaning]
[voices echoing]
Don't be so afraid.
No, no, I'm not brave.
I'm not brave.
[ethereal music]
Don't kill her.
[rolling door slams]
-[Cowboy groans]
-Well, I'll take this one.
-Well, look what else I found.
-Oh, that might matter.
No, I'm going to hold
onto this, okay.
I might need it.
-Now what?
-Well, now you go home,
get yourself a good night rest
-and I'll call you as
things progress.
-Where is my cut?
Now, we are equal partners,
Look, Dakota, I hate to
say this to you, man,
and I don't want this
to sound offensive,
but if we're going to
be equal partners,
you got to step up your
clothes game, man.
What the hell is that
supposed to mean?
-Look, look at yourself.
-It's a rugged look.
It's a horrible look.
When was the last
time you got laid?
Man to man, when was the
last time you got laid?
-Ah, well, uh--
-I guess it was in prison.
Look at me eye to eye,
was it in prison?
I'm just saying there's
a method to this madness
that you see before you today.
Here's what I want
you to do, partner.
I want you to take
$100, right here.
Go out and get yourself
a makeover.
-You think so?
Find a shower somewhere.
You know, comb your beard.
-Check for gnats.
-Now, we have an understanding,
now, right?
This is your Cowboy.
Of course, we've got
an understanding.
I know we had our problems
back in that cell,
but I knew we were meant
for greatness.
-[birds chirping]
-[rooster crows]
-[melancholy music]
-[Orlando groaning]
-[lighthearted music]
-[siren chirps]
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
[officer] Okay, hold on,
make this nice and easy.
Put your hands where
I could see them.
Where you going dressed
like that at 5:00
in the morning, guy?
Oh, Officer, I,
I lost my wallet and my car
keys. And my car is still there,
but I had to go home
and get my spare keys.
I was just walking down
the hill to the main road.
[Carruthers] Let's see your ID.
No, my ID is in my wallet, sir.
So what do you do for a living?
I'm a professor of
French literature.
That's how French people
dress for class?
You know, Officer, there's
a certain odor back here.
Oh yeah, like what?
Like a jockstrap flew
out of a donkey's ass
-at 90 miles an hour?
-That's, that's very
perceptive of you.
You have a way with
words, Officer.
Yeah. No, actually, a guy
threw up back out there
a couple months ago.
The uh, the stomach acid
leaves a very robust aroma,
that mixed with piss, so
you've got that going on.
Like to keep it that way
for our special VIP guests.
So how are you getting down
there to San Jose, hitchhiking?
Oh, any way I can.
Okay, tell you what.
I'm going to leave you
in this old country back road
over here, still illegal,
at least no one will bother you
and you've got a better
chance of getting a ride.
No, no, no, I appreciate
that, Officer.
Well, I have absolutely
no reason to believe anything
you've told me,
but since it was just
our country's birthday,
I'm going to ahead and
give you a break.
Stay out of trouble,
don't make me regret this.
Oh, I won't.
I won't.
Okay, ugh, watch your step.
-Oh, it's cramped in there.
-Little tight.
[radio] Orville to Unit 1099,
we have two 1057, 31st.
-Copy that.
-Happy Fifth of July.
Off to catch me a drunk driver.
[sirens wailing]
-[vulture squawks]
-[Orlando groans]
[motorcycle rumbling]
-Butt fucker!
-[phone] Bonjour. Oh, la, la.
-I've got to change
this ringtone.
-There is something--
Oh, my God, I just realized
it's 6:20 in the morning there.
I can never get it straight
if you're ahead or behind.
No, no, it's okay, sweetie,
I'm already up.
So what happened, are you okay?
Where are you?
-Someone lost a greyhound?
-Oh, yeah, it's a lady,
but they found it,
everything's perfect.
Good, because my mother
is already freaking out
about me coming there.
-What was that?
-[phone chirps]
Ooh, this is my mom,
let me call you back.
[truck rumbling]
-[phone] I have found the
nearest taxi service.
Would you like me to call them?
-Yeah, yeah.
-[phone] I didn't get that.
Do you want me to call them?
[phone ringing]
Hello, I'm on a country road
and I need a ride
back to San Jose.
[dispatcher] San Jose?
Where exactly are you?
It's just outside Sequoia
headed west.
I'm across from some
cornfields and three towers...
[dispatcher] Sequoia, that's
47 miles from where we are.
You expect me to send
a driver out there?
-Let me get your credit--
-Never mind.
I left the party because
that bitch,
Janet Mitchell tried
to tell me that--
-[Heather screams]
Oh, oh my God,
Herman, a black man.
Oh, no, no, no, sweetheart.
I'm coming for my--
-[taser crackling]
-He tried to get in my car,
and I tasered him.
-What's he doing now?
-Well, what do I do now?
-[Herman] Heather.
What's he doing now?
-Stay in the car, Heather.
-Oh my God.
-Heather, please.
-He's going to kill me.
-Calm down, Heather. Hello?
-I just, I need your help.
Hey, you, look at me!
[Orlando screams]
-I'm getting out!
-[lighthearted music]
Now you, listen to me.
Don't try anything
funny with me.
I'm the county calf
roping champion.
I can take very good
care of myself.
How am I going to hurt you?
I teach French.
I'm just trying to get back to
San Jose to get my spare keys
so I can keep my car from
being destroyed by ferrets.
Look at me!
I have no clothes.
Wow, you're in worse
shape than me.
Please just, just
give me a hand.
Well, I'm just going
another mile,
and my father's going to
kill me for being out drunk
and so late with a black man.
Well, this is all I can
help you with.
It's better than nothing.
[horn plays "La Cucaracha"]
Another dead end. Hey, you told
me you knew the way.
I'm following the directions,
but they don't make no sense.
If you weren't high all the
time, we'd be there by now.
Man, the sun's already
coming out
and I got to be at
work in an hour.
Then tell your brother-in-law
to put a GPS in here.
GPS, maybe we need a new you.
Hey, we haven't even
delivered the goods yet.
I'm going to lose my job.
Hey, is this Cowboy
going to have us killed?
you're thinking this
way too much.
Give your brains a break.
You stupid, man, stupid.
[truck backfiring]
I'll be back for you, Moose.
[twangy suspenseful music]
[funky music]
[melancholy music]
I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I need a hand.
I'm hungry, and I need a ride
back to San Jose. Please.
25,000, that's the dude's
credit line?
-Oh, my.
-No, I mean Cowboy.
-Oh, ho!
-Yeah, I've got to go.
Wow, Dakota!
-[Dakota chuckles]
-And I mean, mmm.
-Let's go to work.
Wow, how did you find me?
How did you know I was here?
Well, I was just down at the
corner at the barbershop.
You told me to get a new look,
so there you go, partner.
Yeah, buddy, you did that.
That is what I'm talking about.
I knew you'd like it
because it's back when
I was kicking ass.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, like
it doesn't even describe.
-So you already made it
all the way from the
mountains back?
No, no, we got to go up and
get the dude's car in Sequoia.
Oh. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, look,
another little thing popped up
that I've got to deal with
at this moment in time.
Why don't you go and
procure that automobile?
Then, I, your partner,
will sell it.
-You've got it, partner!
-[both laughing]
[Dakota] No problem there,
not a problem.
[knocking at door]
[door lock buzzes]
How you doing?
Ah, well.
-Good morning.
-Good morning to you, sir.
Is there something specific
that you're looking for?
As a matter of fact, there is.
I'm going to be affirming
my love for my lady,
and I'd like to see a diamond,
in the form of an
engagement ring.
Wise choice. Diamonds are still
a girl's best friend, young man.
-That is true.
-I'm Mr. Feldman, and you are?
Mr. Leal, Orlando Leal,
like Neal but with an L.
-Mr. Leal.
-[chips crunching]
-[traffic humming]
You know, "Initiative is doing
the right thing without
being told."
Victor Hugo.
[Feldman] These are straight
out of the oven,
metaphorically speaking,
of course.
I just love this piece.
Oh yes, I see why you love it.
That is something to be loved.
Now, what is the price on this?
-Oh, that's $2250.
-Oh $22,500?
No, no, no, no, $2,250.
Oh, Mr. Feldman, my woman is
so special and I,
I love her so much.
I just hoping that I
could find something
that's as special as she is.
How special did you want to go?
Well, I think we could afford
to add another special zero
to the end of that $2,250.
Let me show you a picture
of my girl.
Her name is Karen,
and I keep this little photo
of her everywhere I go.
Oh, I understand.
I think I know just
what you're looking for.
-I'll be right back.
-I will wait here.
You ladies look beautiful today.
I don't know if either
of you are into cowboys,
but I'd like to be into you.
-In your dreams.
-Let's just go.
Alright, see you later, then.
-[door chime rings]
-[Cowboy grunts]
[funky music]
[crows cawing]
Wake up!
Look at what time it is, man,
you and your stupid idea
of getting high.
We're dead.
Fuck, what now, Tato?
I have to pee badly.
-You kidding me?
-When nature calls.
-I have to pee, too. Hurry up.
-Hey, CJ?
-What now, Tato?
Aren't you hungry?
What is wrong with you?
Man, how do you stay so skinny?
Alright, man, let's eat.
Let's go make some food.
[upbeat music]
This is top of the line,
Now, that is exactly
what I am talking about.
What's the resale value
on something like this?
I mean, just in case, you
know, she doesn't want it,
or I suddenly get the
Alzheimer's and she
decides to leave?
Well, I can assure you,
it will retain its value.
In fact, its value will
increase over time.
Well, Mr. Feldman, we
have got ourselves a deal.
-Oh, wonderful.
Your fiance will
be very pleased.
And what size is she?
36 double D.
-I meant ring size.
-Oh, oh, finger size.
That would be not important
right now.
I'm sure this will fit.
I'll just take it.
Okay, fine. You know,
she can always come back
-and have it resized any time.
-Yeah, sure.
Now, how will you be paying?
I'd like to pay in plastic, sir.
-There you are.
Mm-hmm. And I'll of course,
I'll need
to see some identification.
[Cowboy] Naturally,
you would, sir.
-It's interesting.
-Oh, you're not about to
racially profile me, are you,
'cause that was before
I, you know,
kind of modernized myself.
That was before, you
know, the makeover.
Of course.
-You're approved.
Oh, good, goody, goody,
goody, goody, goody.
-If you would just sign here.
Karen and I, we met on a
French literature blog.
It was an intense discussion
on Mathilde's Life
by Guy de Maupassant.
And I wrote, "Mathilde believes
she deserves another life."
She wants to be envied
and sought after,
and these are things that
people just identify with."
Oh, but that's when
the magic happened.
Because Karen, she wrote,
[Karen voiceover]
"The difference
is that some people
aren't willing
to make the sacrifices...
for one night of pleasure."
In such a poetic way.
I mean, that's when
I knew, I mean,
that we were just meant
for each other.
She's perfect for me. Ah.
You know, CJ, it doesn't get
better in life than this.
We're fucked, man, we're fucked.
Why do bad things happen to
good people all the time?
I knew that when I spread
the ashes it was illegal.
You know, I probably shouldn't
have called my dad an asshole,
but for goodness sake,
I'm just a lover of
French literature.
I'm just a lover, not
a fighter, that's it!
-I love French--
-[slaps thuds]
I said I wasn't a fighter.
-Oh, but that--
-[truck rumbling]
Hey. Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, guys, guys, guys.
I lost my car keys.
I just need a ride to San Jose.
That's it, just to San Jose.
[lighthearted music]
Good boy, Food.
[truck rumbling]
[suspenseful music]
How are you doing, sweet meat?
-[Dakota laughs]
-[funky music]
We're headed to San Jose,
aren't we?
San Jose?
[honking blares]
[lighthearted music]
Alright, just San Jose.
Do you think I got where
I am by begging?
Get a job, assclown.
[Dakota laughing]
[engine spluttering]
What the hell?
Why you click beast,
clank slacking...
[steam hissing]
[birds chirping]
Six, that's all you get me?
How am I going to run business
if people don't want
to work, huh?
Are those sandwiches?
-Is this whole grain?
-Yeah, I think so.
Ugh, oh, I'm famished.
You don't know how long
I was out there, mmm.
Do you have any hand sanitizer?
-Here, wear this.
[phone ringing]
[phone ringing]
Don't answer it.
Let the message go to speaker.
[CJ] CJ here, leave a message.
-[comical music]
-[Dakota gasping]
[Cowboy] CJ, it's Caballo.
Yeah, that's the only word
I know in Spanish, man.
Look here, I'm on
my way to storage.
Make sure that you
both are there
with the truck and the goods
so I can pay you all.
-Cowboy, out.
-I told you!
-Tato, I told you, man.
-[Tato whimpers]
We are dead men.
This Cowboy, he's little,
but he's vicious.
-You know why he wears
those cowboy boots?
I heard a story about
this dude named Manny
who tried to rip up some
of Cowboy's shit.
Cowboy kicked him in
the balls so hard
they came out of his throat.
Out his mouth?
Both of them.
-[Tato gags]
-[musical sting]
Come on, let's go, everybody,
let's go.
The sun's going down.
Sir, Orlando Leal.
Okay, I just want to express
my gratitude for all your help.
Really, I'm so grateful.
If you give me your address,
I insist on reimbursing you
for any of your expenses.
You talk too much, you work now.
Oh, obviously there's
been some kind of mistake.
I'm not here to work.
You don't work, why
do you eat my food?
Maria, give him a bag.
Well, sir, I thought that this
was a charity that was for
distressed travelers.
I mean, I do volunteer
work at my church.
No, hey no, hey!
This has been a mistake,
I'm not here for any work.
No mistake, no charity,
you work.
Hey, hey, hey, calm down, okay?
No, I will reimburse you
when I get my wallet.
Hey, hey, hey, no,
hey, hey, hey, hey.
Son of a bitch, I'll kill you!
Maria, go get my gun.
[dramatic music]
[motorcycle rumbling]
[gun cocking]
[lighthearted music]
Hmm, what are you grateful
for today?
[Dakota] Today,
not a fucking lot of much.
-Anything to share?
-[Dakota whimpers]
Because we know how to help you.
[Dakota] I'm not sharing.
[heavy breathing]
[Orlando whimpering]
My sonatas.
[phone] Bonjour, oh,
la, la, la, la, la, la.
-There is something--
-Oh, fuck me.
[phone] I really, really want
to tell you.
I'm not fucking sleeping.
[Karen] Honey Boo, is that you?
Oh, oh, it's me.
Karen, it's you.
It's both of us.
Oh, it's, of course.
No French?
So, what are you wearing?
Shorts and a tank top.
Did you just come
back from a run?
Yeah, I've been running.
[Karen moans and laughs]
So you must be all sweaty.
Are you training for me?
Oh, yeah.
-I'm all steamed up.
Do you remember the first
time we had sex?
It was over the phone.
Yeah, French literature, you
know, can be quite a turn-on.
No, baby, you were a turn-on.
So listen, I don't have to be to
the airport for another
few hours,
and I'm all packed up
and ready to go.
Are you...
touching yourself?
Karen, Karen, can you hear me?
[lighthearted music]
Oh, you too, George?
Call up Dakota, he'll
know where my stuff at.
[Cowboy clears throat]
-[payphone ringing]
-[funky music]
Hey, boss, we ain't
got no more room.
-Especially for an antelope.
-It's a moose!
-[phone beeps]
Are you kidding me? Oh, no.
Uhn-uh! You all three
better not be working together
to mess with my stuff.
You'd better not be messing
with the Cowboy's game.
Don't nobody mess with Cowboy!
Nobody mess with Cowboy!
Oh, my God.
They were really sloppy
these charity people.
-Hey, congratulations on
the sweepstakes, dude.
-What sweepstakes?
-The new furniture.
So you saw who did this?
Saw them? I helped them,
and donated some stuff, too.
Oh yeah, we all did.
Irma, I was robbed.
They robbed me.
They took all my shit.
Irma, how could you?
[Tato] So what's next, Jefe ?
I may never amount
to anything, Tato,
but you know, it doesn't
mean I have to stoop so low
that I break into some guy's
house and steal his shit.
You know what? Fuck Cowboy.
You know, se, my problem...
is La Ruca.
What Ruca?
The only woman who ever
really loved me
and wanted to be the
mother of my children.
-I could have had a good life.
-[melancholy music]
So what happened?
I was an idiot and a coward.
I thought, back then so much
pussy and so little time.
She just--
she just got tired of it
and married somebody else.
Hey, Orlando, I'm so sorry.
I already called the police
and they're going to
be here any minute.
-The police? Okay, I have to go.
-Orlando Leal?
I'm Officer Morales.
But you still think about her?
Every day, se.
So give her a call.
No, I don't know about that.
Come on. She may still want
your sexual juices.
She's married.
[engine rumbling]
Hey, do you have any varos?
Man, you know I don't
got no money.
I'm a socialist.
A socialist?
-A socialist, eh?
-That's my hot Cheetos money.
-The truck is eating the
hot Cheetos today.
May I see some identification?
I just told you, Officer,
they stole my wallet,
and my car keys, and my
house keys down in Sequoia.
And then they came here
and they robbed me
before I could get back.
You know, they probably
stole my car, too.
-Oh, yeah, huh?
Here's a copy of his
rental agreement, Officer.
-He's my tenant.
-Thank you.
You know, just out of
curiosity, Officer,
why do you think somebody
would pretend
to live at a house
that's just been robbed?
-Okay, that's--
Let me ask you something.
How did you get up here
without your car?
-I hitchhiked.
You know, I can't help you
if you're not taking
this seriously.
-I am serious.
-Oh, yeah?
Who picked you up?
-A girl.
-A girl?
Yeah, the county calf
roping champion,
she picked me up.
-What was she doing
coming up here?
-I don't know, to buy a calf.
What the hell difference
does it make?
My place has been robbed.
-[phone ringing]
-Hold on a second.
Hey, baby. Oh, yeah, mija,
I'll just be a second.
Yes, let me clear this up
real quick.
Oh, yeah, alright,
talk to you soon.
Alright, sorry about that.
Alright, so you were robbed.
-Things we know.
-That's a shame.
[Gwendon screaming]
My baby!
[ethereal music]
Once you
Once you got it better
I been worried I been brave
- Wha rah rah brrt
- I'm real I'm not a thing
- The origin shut
- Shut up
Be more rocking I'm ahead
I need to clap
- Clap clap clap
- Let me fruss
Off of you
It's the nice guy I fruss
-Alright, now what?
-Well, what?
What's next?
Well, I'm going to give
you a copy of the report
and if something comes
up, we'll call you.
But, but wait,
aren't you just going to
go after the bad guys?
-There's two Hispanic guys.
There's one black cowboy, and
then there's one whatever.
You can go after these guys.
We get about a dozen
robberies a day.
My advice, get an alarm,
or a get a dog, or get both.
-Have a good day.
That's a nice-looking bike.
[phone] Bonjour, oh,
la, la, la, la, la, la.
-There is something--
-Is this Mr. Orlando Leal?
[man] I'm calling
from Visa card.
Do you have your card
in your possession, sir?
-No, why?
-Because there was a charge
to your card this morning,
in the amount of $24,995.
Did you make that purchase, sir?
-Fuck no, I--
-Excuse me?
I did not make a purchase
in that amount.
I was robbed and I had
everything taken from me.
Well, you should have
informed us immediately.
But, I don't have your number.
It's on the back of your
card that I don't have.
Well, you could have
gotten it from
your billing statement.
[suspenseful music]
Oh, I'm tell you
two kitchen boys,
you two are going to be one taco
short of a combination plate!
I'm serious.
-[man] So have I answered
all of your questions, sir?
-Yes, you have.
Good, so from one
to 10, 10 being best,
-how would you rate
this call, sir?
-It's a 10.
You will get a call
asking you if you were
satisfied with my service.
My name is--
[phone] Bonjour.
-Oh, la, la--
-I'll tell you what.
Why don't we go outside
and play a game
of hide and go fuck yourself?
[Karen] Orlando?
Oh, Karen.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Oh, oh, sweetie, these
they're driving me crazy.
Orlando, you're scaring me.
In 15 minutes, I'll be
headed to the airport and,
are you sure you're okay
with me coming so soon?
You sound flustered.
Of course, sugar plum.
You just don't know
how fast my heart beats
when I hear the sound
of your voice.
Don't blame me for being
anxious, please.
I just...
I want this to be so special.
-You mean everything to me.
-You promise?
Mon chri,
I have something to tell you.
And it's very important
to me that you know.
Oh, call me romantic,
but I just love it when
you call me, mon chri.
It just makes me melt.
But what were you going to say?
I've got a surprise for you.
A surprise?
I remodeled my entire house.
Oh, that's nice.
Well, I should be there in 10
hours, 15 minutes, 20 seconds,
but who's counting?
[lighthearted music]
Who am I?
I have a code 347, a
canine loose in the park.
He goes by the name Food,
and he might be chasing a...
this ferret and--
Stop right there.
[Dakota] Oh, it's you, hi.
-Hi, are you okay?
-Fine, why?
Oh, my God.
Look, I got to get
back to my pickup.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
You're not going anywhere.
I'm going to have you
come around here.
We're going to go
for a little ride.
No, I'm fine, please.
Maybe put a blanket down
on the seat, no, okay.
We could have some hand
sanitizer at the ranger's
station, that would be great.
Hey, this is just a
little bump in the road.
You'll get over it.
Fifty years from now, you
won't even remember
that they stole all your shit,
and you'll have Karen
by your side.
No, guys like me,
we don't end up with the girl.
What are you talking about?
You're a good guy.
You don't even jaywalk
like I do.
Just be a man.
Be a man.
Be a man.
I'm no longer even a decent man.
I've broken the law just
twice this week.
No, actually once.
The other one was just
blatant pride.
That bike I brought inside,
-'cause I stole it.
-You what?
-Oh yeah?
-But, that's not nice.
[phone] Bonjour--
[phone beeps]
-Orlando here.
-Hello, Mr. Leal,
Officer Buford here,
Highway Patrol.
-We found your car.
-Whoa, whoa, that's great!
-You need to come get it.
-[piano keys banging]
Listen, just text
me the location.
I'm on it immediately.
Yes, thank you, thank
you so much, thank you.
-Ah, they found my car.
-Oh, yeah?
I have four hours
until they tow it.
Shall I risk it?
Oh, yeah, go get your car.
Be a man.
[dramatic music]
Hey, how about that?
Her mother said she not
only remembers me,
but she has fond memories, too.
Her daughter's husband died
a year ago of a heart attack,
so she's working in
the fields again.
[engine rumbling]
[siren blaring]
[Carruthers] Hey you,
stop right there.
Hands where I could see them.
Look, you don't understand.
Officer, it's you. Yeah, you
gave me a ride yesterday.
That's my car.
Oh, yeah, Orlando,
like Bloom but not.
The car was abandoned
on the side of the
highway today, guy.
Yeah, by the same guys
who took my wallet
and robbed my house.
They took everything I own.
Tell you what, I have
the name and an address
of the registered
owner right here.
Why don't you go ahead
and tell me yours.
Orlando Leal Jr. 2156
Francisquito in San Jose.
Confirmed. Problem is that car
is not drivable.
Rats chewed apart everything
under the hood, so no go.
-Actually, it wasn't the rats,
it was the ferret.
Tow truck's on his way.
The good news is, well,
you don't have to worry
about paying any fines
or tow charges.
Thank you, Officer.
You have no idea how much
you're helping me out.
PS, protect and serve.
Ah, ah, ah, not so far.
What about this beautiful bike,
whose is that, is it yours?
-Not really.
What were you going
to do with the bike
once you retrieved the car, guy?
You know, do you have
a phone charger?
Negative. Son, I like you, okay?
We're going to have to do
a little background check
on this bike, okay?
SP, standard procedure.
HT, hang tight.
[melancholy music]
[motorcycle engine rumbling]
-[dramatic music]
-[horn honking]
And you're better now, yes.
But you still shouldn't drive.
You should call a friend
to drive you back.
No need to do that.
I'll take care of him.
I'm his friend.
-And you are?
-Well, they call me Cowboy,
and I've been looking
all over for this rascal.
-Do you know this cow-- person?
Okay, he can't drive in
his condition, clearly.
Of course he can't, ma'am,
that's exactly why I'm here.
What about his pickup?
If it's not removed,
it's going to be towed.
Well, to tell you the truth,
I'd be surprised if that
old thing even runs.
But missus, you do whatever
it is that you need to do.
Tow it if you want to.
Right now I am more
concerned about my buddy here
than I am that old pickup truck.
Okay well, I'll take that back.
-you have a nice day.
-You too, ma'am.
And there's no smoking
in the park.
Well, of course not, Ma'am.
Somebody should have told you
no smoking years ago,
you little hottie.
-Okay, stop it.
-Hottie, hottie.
Hottie, hottie,
with a ranger's body.
-Pew, stop.
Alright, best buddy,
let's see if we can't get
on them old feet of yours.
Pal of mine, oh.
Watch your steps.
Get your sea legs going.
There you go. There is your
wobbly-legged little soldier.
Careful, watch your
step, friend.
Watch your step, partner,
there you go.
Alright now, one simple
question, Redneck, where is it?
Huh, partner? What?
That thing with the wheels
and the tires?
No, no, see, I already
stole that
and I, and, and I was
bringing it to you
and then the damned thing
just broke down.
What, wait a minute.
Are you trying to tell me
that you stole that ice cream
truck full of goods
just to bring it back to me?
Now, what kind of sense
does that make?
Do you think I'm an idiot?
Where the hell is that truck,
and where did it break down?
No, no, I swear, I was
bringing you back--
Wait a minute,
what truck, what goods?
What if she doesn't
want to talk to me?
You're not going to
get all sentimental
and shit on me, are you?
-We're the brown pride?
-I'm trying, man, I'm trying.
Here, you just need to relax.
We're going to do this right.
Maybe that's a good idea.
Oh, yeah.
[dramatic music]
[comical music]
[brakes squeaking]
No, no, we're no longer in
the gastronomy business.
We're in the moving
of goods business.
It's more lucrative.
Does a Maria work here?
[laughs] There are many Marias.
Take your pick.
[siren blares]
Halt. You're under arrest
for grand theft
and leaving the scene
of a crime.
You have the right
to remain silent.
Anything you say or do
may be held against you.
He's the one.
He stole my motorcycle.
The right to an attorney.
If you cannot afford
an attorney,
one will be appointed to you.
No attorney, you go straight
to jail, ha!
If you do not keep quiet,
I'm going to read these
same rights to you too,
in English and Japanese.
-I'm Chinese.
-I don't care.
Now, do you understand these
rights as I have told you?
You stole my motorcycle.
Correction, I borrowed
his motorcycle.
Ah-ha, calm down, okay?
Suspect is already
under custody.
Now, we're going to handle
this matter in a civilized
and legal way.
Now, you the owner of the
reported stolen vehicle?
Yes. He stole it and pushed
me to the ground.
-Okay, you're prepared
to press charges, sir?
-Yes, I'll press charger.
Officer, I can produce
at least 12 witnesses
that will swear that he
let me borrow that bike.
-Oh, you can talk to
them right now.
You can gather all the
testimony you need.
Now, who are these dozens
of witnesses?
Well, they work for him.
They're working here right now.
Yeah, well, what are they?
What do they call them?
They are,
oh, farm laborers,
migrant workers, un--
Liar, you thief!
You stole my bike,
you pushed me to the ground.
No need to talk to nobody.
Now, Mr. Huang, this is
where the crime took place
and they were witnesses?
It's my duty to gather
all the evidence.
Why do you wanted to
bother my workers?
They're busy working.
Huang, sir,
the way we handle disputes
like this one in this country
is through good old judicial
system, okay, the JS.
You want to press
charger, charges,
it's my duty to gather
all the evidence,
every last juicy drop.
-Okay, okay,
me no press charger.
You go, take him.
Smart ass.
Don't come back here ever again.
[Orlando] Wait, where
are we going?
I'm booking you for
resisting arrest by escaping.
Yeah, but technically you
didn't put me under arrest.
You just asked to scan
the plates on my bike.
[Carruthers] I might
let you bullshit
your way out of that one,
but I'm not letting you
get out of this one.
Within the last 18 hours,
I've been drugged,
tased, sprayed.
I even had to accept food
from a homeless man
who had a sign.
Now in the next five hours,
the perfect woman for me is
going to land at the airport,
and if I'm not there to pick
her up, I'm going to lose her.
Two words, about face.
-Oh, gosh, come--
[somber music]
Maria, Maria, Maria!
[mariachi music]
Can't you see? Este vato
doesn't get a second chance.
-Stop it, bro.
My life is all lime and
salt, no tequila.
Hey, what are you doing?
-[banging on truck]
-Hey, stop it.
And who's going to make...
Why are you here?
losing you was the biggest
mistake of my life.
I was a fool and a coward,
but all of that is in the past.
Now, I am here to take you away.
Why there talk here?
Who's this man?
Mr. Huang, my boss.
You mean your ex-boss?
Seor Mr. Huang,
I'm here to tell you
that Maria is putting in
her resignation effective--
I need this job.
Speak English.
She work here.
She leaved, she fired.
Listen, I have some
money saved up,
and a little casita
in the sweet rampla,
which is all ours.
[Huang] Hey, you two, leave.
You, go back to work, now.
I love you.
Sorry, Mr. Huang.
[upbeat music]
[all laughing]
-[melancholy music]
-Thanks for the help.
There's the highway.
Good luck, stay out of trouble.
Don't make me regret this.
Hey, I never caught your name.
Didn't throw it.
Carruthers with a C.
[upbeat music]
Good afternoon.
Good afternoon.
-[baby crying]
-[people chattering]
I know, honey, I'll
be home tomorrow.
I know, I love you, too.
Okay, baby.
Alright, bye-bye.
[dramatic rock music]
[both laughing]
-I'm Warren.
Oh, my name spelled backwards.
How did you do that so fast?
My first girlfriend's
name was Karen,
and when we were about
13 years old,
I used to call her Nerak and
she would call me Nosredna.
It's my last name
spelled backwards.
Backwards, okay, I see.
That's so sweet.
[Karen hums]
-[upbeat music]
-[Maria moaning]
Orale, leave some for
the honeymoon, okay?
[tires screeching]
And what's with you,
you tired of living?
No, no, I'm headed to San Jose.
-I can really use a ride.
-Sorry, vato.
-Listen, I'm in a jam.
You got to help me.
-Hey, slow down.
We're already full, there's
three of us inside.
You don't want us to
-get a ticket, do you?
-Alright, I'll ride in the back.
You know, I don't care.
-I'll make ice cream sundaes for
everybody while you're driving.
-What kind of sundaes?
-Banana split.
-No, bro, we're full. Plus,
we're transporting merchandise.
Look at me, I'm wearing a pink
shirt. These are not
even my clothes.
You wouldn't leave another man
in distress out here, would you?
[CJ] I don't want to
make Maria wait.
Sorry, maybe next time.
-That's fine, thanks.
It's not much,
but it's better than nothing.
I don't know you.
[lighthearted music]
[Cowboy] Uhmph, I've got to pee
so bad my teeth are yellow.
Now, you see there, a real
cowboy would have said,
"I've got to see a
man about a horse."
Shut up. And you're coming
with me, come on.
No way. I got no desire looking
at your pipe.
I have a beautiful pipe,
and you're coming with me.
I'm concerned about your
bladder, get out!
[Cowboy groaning]
-[urine splattering]
-[Cowboy] Oh, yeah. Woo.
[Dakota] You know, Cowboy,
if we're going to be partners--
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
This partnership is over, okay?
It's dissolved, annulled,
it's done.
You dumb ass, country ass,
droopy cooter.
And by the way, the name
ain't Cowboy no more.
I'm going back.
It's Jerome now.
Yargh, what the hell?
What are you doing?
Do you realize how
expensive these boots are?
You can't just buy these
boots anywhere! What the hell?
Come here, get back.
Get back here!
Son of a bitch.
-[zipper zips]
-I got to eat something
or I'm going to faint.
I got the munchies.
Yeah, me too, but do
you have any money?
I don't got no money.
[music sting]
[somber music]
"We are healed from suffering
when you've experienced
it to the full." Marcel Proust.
Pops, I'm sorry I called
you an asshole.
do something.
He's probably already waiting
for me at the airport.
-And what-- Warren?
-Where do you live?
-Oh, I live back in Georgetown.
I'm just in California
for one night.
I've got an early board meeting,
and then back to D.C.
-I'm an architect.
-How nice.
Who am I fooling?
The writing has been on the wall
and I refuse to read it.
I can just feel like
something is wrong.
He might not even show up.
I'm so
so sheltered.
Ah, what an idiot! [sobbing]
Here, take this, please.
Karen, come on.
Come on, he's going to show up.
You have to understand,
you put yourself in a
really vulnerable position.
It's completely natural
to have jitters.
Are you married?
[dramatic music]
[horn plays "La Cucaracha"]
-[tires screech]
-[Maria screams]
[Dakota] Hey, beaner,
is your ass itching?
Why does the garbage man
always forget to take
out the white trash?
Oh, yeah, where did you
leave your leaf blower?
Your house moves, but
none of your nine cars do.
Hey, let's move it
before the police arrive.
Well, you give me 100 bucks
and I'll be out of here.
-What, what?
-Give you what?
We didn't hit your car.
Hey, I know you.
You were with us at the house.
What are you doing
in Cowboy's car?
And you're the guys that
Cowboy is looking for.
[Dakota laughs]
-Cowboy is looking for us.
-Cowboy is looking for us?
Yeah, yeah, Cowboy's
looking for you.
And now I found you.
[Dakota screaming]
Seor Mr. Cowboy, I swear
on my mamacita's grave,
Never miss a good chance to
shut up while you're ahead.
Alright, we're going to play
a little bit of vehicle
switcheroo. Give me the keys.
-I left the keys in
the truck, Jefe.
But it's okay.
When you get in the truck,
the keys will be there
waiting for you.
-I get it.
-I'm going to drive the truck
that's got the keys in it,
and you're going
to drive the car,
which also has the keys in it.
So there, do you understand?
-Yes, boss.
-Let's go to the warehouse!
-Move it.
-Yes, boss, yes, boss.
Hey, Maria, we're going
in this car now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, get,
get over here.
Get over here now!
Who the hell is Maria?
The love of my life,
I'm going to marry her.
Oh, well,
congratulations to you.
-Thank you, Cowboy.
-Oh, not a problem, got!
We about to do this thing,
stay right there.
Ha, ha! Ha, ha, here we go.
You, to the automobile, me,
to the ice cream truck,
let's go.
Okay, but one more thing, Jefe.
We just put like 50 bucks
of our own cash in gas, so--
Do you really want to
do that right now?
-[dramatic music]
-That's what I thought.
-Move it!
-[men whimpering]
[birds chirping]
[distant car rumbling]
Hey, hitchhiking is considered
opportunistic transportation,
sir, and it is illegal.
No, look, I just
need to get back
to Sequoia to retrieve
my pickup.
Oh, your pickup is
not there anymore.
What? Mother piss box.
Are you telling me that
somebody has stolen my pickup?
No, no, it wasn't stolen,
it's been impounded.
It's at the police garage.
That's what your, your charming
Cowboy friend told me to do.
It's going to cost you about
$500 to get it back, sir.
-He did what?
Well, fuck a piss shit.
That black
Clint Eastwood wannabe,
-he is going to pay for this.
-Hey, you watch your mouth.
I have a dog in the back.
Why the fuck
do you have to be using
all that goddamn profanity
all the time?
You piece of shit!
[Dakota] I'm just so confused.
I don't even know
who I am anymore.
Yeah, God, that happens
to me all the time.
Alright, alright, if you
calm down, you stop cursing,
I will take you where
you want to go.
Come on, hop in.
Come on.
Mind the hat.
Where you going?
Well, could you take me back
that way where you came from?
Yeah, sure, no problem.
Didn't you lose your dog?
Yeah, yeah I found him
about five miles back
with a German shepherd.
I think he's too young to date,
but you know, what can you do?
Kids these days.
-[car honking]
You have no right to get
me involved in all this.
Hey, there's no all this.
We're going to get paid.
What's the big deal?
Cmo? What's the big deal?
The man came at us with a gun.
Oh, my God, I can't believe you.
Come on, let's go, let's go,
let's move it. Move it, come on.
-You disappear from my
life for 15 years.
Ay, okay, 13.5. And then
you kidnap me from my job
to get me involved in some
sort of criminal activity?
-[punch thuds]
I am a decent woman, and
I have a son to raise.
It's not what you think.
Let's go, let's do this.
What's in the truck, CJ?
[lighthearted music]
Look, I love you and I
will always love you,
and I'm going to help
you raise your boy.
That's all that matters.
Yeah, but how do you know
he's not going to kill us all?
-[whimpers] We don't.
-Fuck, Tato!
-Oh, no, fuck this shit.
-Hey, Maria.
No, Maria's right, fuck this
shit, I'm keeping my balls.
Tato, Maria, come back.
Don't make it 13.6!
Oh, Maria!
What the f--, come on!
-[mariachi music]
How come everybody run
away from Cowboy?
Why does everybody run
away from Cowboy?
-Whoa. Sir, sir, please.
I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to frighten you.
Put your hands where I can
see them, both of them.
-Right here, I just--
-Step away from the vehicle.
-Yes, just--
-Step away!
Right there, stay there.
Don't shoot, don't shoot.
I'm not a thief,
I am not a thief.
I'm just a law-abiding citizen
with a master's in
French literature.
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought maybe
you was somebody I knew.
-No, no, no.
-My bad then, brother.
My bad, put your hands down.
We're just two brothers
standing beside the road.
Ain't no sense in drawing
attention to ourselves, right?
-Alright, argh!
God, shit, argh, some on
my neck, some on my neck.
Something on the back of
my neck. Get it, get it.
-It's just a bee.
-I get it, get it, get it.
-Gah! Damn.
-Oh, you've never been stung?
-No, I've never been stung.
-Well, you know, some people
they have allergic reactions.
I don't have reactions, okay?
I'm a reactor.
I don't have them.
Ugh, thank you for that, man.
-That's alright.
-What are you doing out here?
You know, in about four hours,
I'm supposed to pick up
-my girlfriend from the airport
and I got robbed.
So even if I get there, I
mean, what can I do with her?
I got cleaned out.
-Oh, that's, that's a tragedy.
An American, an
African-American tragedy.
-You know.
-Sorry, man.
-It's the way the
country's going.
So a career with the
Forest Service
will challenge you to manage
and care for over, guess,
no, don't guess,
193 million acres
of our nation's most
magnificent land.
Tell you what, though, man,
one brother to another,
let me help you out.
How would you like to make
$100 cash money right now?
Well, yeah, but what
do I have to do?
Can you drive a truck?
-Well, I guess, yeah.
That's it then. I just need you
to drive that truck.
I'm gonna follow you in the car.
We'll eh, a couple miles
down the road to this warehouse.
And when we get there, we
drop it off, you collect.
Boom, bam, bip, it's all done.
-But how am I going to
get to the airport?
-Well, the bip part is
you get to the airport
the best way you can.
I just told you, I'm
going to give you $100.
A hundred dollars you
can take a cab, Uber.
-You can have a woman in a
motorized massage chair.
-I get it.
-I don't--
-I get it, okay, poor Karen.
-Oh, Karen, wow.
-It's a beautiful name.
-Oh, she's lovely.
Do you have a picture of her?
-In my wallet.
-Those sons of bitches.
You know, no disrespect,
but how do I know you're
going to pay me?
-I just--
-Okay, okay, I'm dealing
with a businessman.
-I get it, I get it.
You're an entrepreneur.
-This is new, this is new.
Okay, okay, hold on. How about I
just front you...
20 dollars,
get the rest when you get there.
-Yeah, I, half would be better.
It's just normal.
-Alright, Mr. Black
businessman of America.
Here's $40.
-Take it or leave it.
-[Orlando mutters]
-Got it.
-Alright, okay.
Let's do this thing then.
-What, why?
Because I said stop the car.
It was really nice meeting you.
-Son of a bitch!
Karen, sweetie, it's Orlando.
Listen, there's,
there's something really
important I've got to tell you.
Hey, hey, you can't partner up
with this piece of shit.
He shits on everybody
around him.
You damned double-crosser.
Excuse me.
Who, who are you?
I'm the one who put
together this whole heist,
and I'm the one about
to kill a Cowboy.
[scoffs] Oh, yeah?
Well, what you going
to do, Tom Tumbleweed?
First, I'm going to derail you,
and then I'm going to
pee on you again,
and then I'm going to take
the whole thing for myself.
[Cowboy coughing]
The deal is off.
Just give me my $100 back.
What the fuck is going on?
Oh, my sweet Jesus.
[Cowboy babbling]
Oh, wait, is that a bee buzzing
around your shoulder there?
[Cowboy screaming]
Karen, it's me.
I'm so sorry about this
but I have something really
important I have to tell you.
And I should have told
you a long time ago, but--
[suspenseful music]
Ah-ha, ha ha.
-Ah ah ah!
-So you're the one.
-You, you're the one who
stole my possessions.
-You're the butthole.
Yes, I stole your wallet,
and your keys, and your car,
and I even gave out your address
so they could fill that truck
with all your jerk off shit.
Then you're the one who's
going to pay for this.
Oh, and who's going to
be the collector, you?
Well, as a matter
of fact, yes, me.
Oh, I am really scared.
-Now, get out of my way.
I've got to--
-[urn thudding]
Ow, ugh, oh.
Yes, it's like Sartre
said, well, fuck Sartre.
"Everybody has a plan until
they get hit in the face."
That's Mike Tyson.
Fuck this shit.
Thanks, pop.
You were just teaching
me how to survive.
[majestic music]
["Stars and Stripes Forever"]
[comical music]
I think you just have
to trust your gut.
I think it's going to
work out just fine.
-I think this is where
we say goodbye.
Are you sure you don't
want me to stick around
just to make sure he shows up?
No, no, no, you should
get to your hotel.
Just in case you need
to get a hold of me,
offer still stands.
No, I really appreciate it.
It's my pleasure. Take care.
-Oh, hey, Warren.
You forgot something.
[lighthearted music]
[Orlando] Karen.
Looks like
you underestimated him.
Good luck.
-You came!
I have to be honest,
I didn't think you were
going to show up.
No, no, no, nothing
could have kept me from
coming here tonight.
What the, what's up with
the ice cream truck?
Baby, it's a long story.
You can tell me all about it
after a nice hot bath
and a glass of wine
at your place.
Well, actually, we're not
going back to my place.
I thought we'd spent your
first night in town in a hotel,
in a suite.
Yeah, alright, with
room service, a bathtub,
-fit for a princess.
-Oh, really?
What's this all about?
Ah, we'll discuss it
over champagne.
Oh. [Karen coos]
You got me a welcome gift?
-[Karen gasps]
Oh my, oh my God, you propose?
Oh my, oh my God.
Where did, where did
that come from?
-Yes, I even yes!
-Oh, my God, wait until I
tell my mother about this.
-Yeah, but where--
[officer] Sir, you've
got to move your truck.
Oh, oh, my God.
It's the perfect size.
How did you know?
Call me Daddy
Whisper in her ear
Call me Daddy
Call me the new girl
Her and her best friend
Call them to come out
Now you in love ah
Excuse me, miss
What's your name
Got a pocket full of dollars
Let me be your change
And I'm loving the way
Your body fit in them jeans
While we for this we get
The rest to take
A walk in my dreams
Let's go
[ominous music]
[police whistle blaring]
["Stars and Stripes Forever"]
[Fab] Congratulations.
For what, for escaping?
[Gwendon] No, on the
places you'll go.
Well, let's go.
[funky patriotic music]
[Carruthers] Think it's
time to call it a day.
[Dakota laughs]
[Dakota vocalizing]
[Dakota farting]
Stars and stripes forever
Stars and stripes forever
[funky patriotic music]
[mariachi music]
[calm music]
Imma please all my girls
Be the baddest