6:66 PM (2017) Movie Script
[POLICE SIRENS AND HELICOPTER]
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
VOICE: Suspect is armed
and extremely dangerous.
Snipers let me know
when you are in position.
You have a shot, take it.
DETECTIVE: This is the police.
We have you surrounded.
Come out with your hands up.
[YELLING IN BACKGROUND,
SIRENS STILL HEARD]
Release the hostages, Jimmy.
Go kid.
Release the
hostages, Jimmy! Do it now!
[GUN CLICKS]
[GUN CONTINUES CLICKING]
DETECTIVE:
No one has to die here tonight.
Come on, man.
[gun clicks]
[KABOOM]
[OMINOUS DRONE]
SOFT PIANO PLAYS
[CAR SOUNDS]
SOFT MUSIC BUILDS INTENSITY
LORRAINE:
Get out of the car.
SINISTER PIANO
[SWOOSH EFFECT]
[GOOFY SOUND EFFECTS
WITH X-FILES MUSIC]
SHERYL: Ah!
STAN: You motherfuckers, get
the hell off my property!
LORRAINE: Whoa, whoa. Are you
fucking kidding me, right now?
PETER:
Lorraine, he has an axe.
LORRAINE: Stan, Lorraine Taylor.
"Ghostly Night Watch."
Yeah, we're the TV people.
STAN: Oh, yeah.
[Laughs]
LORRAINE: Yeah.
STAN: Hi, TV people.
STAN: Oh.
LORRAINE: Hi. Hey, may I?
LORRAINE: Great.
[CUCKOO CLOCK SOUND]
SHERYL: Oh, okay. No offense, but
obviously this place is haunted.
Case closed.
PETER: Ew, wonder how
long that's been there.
SHERYL: Ew.
DANIEL: Ah!
What is it?
Ants.
PETER: What?
No, I'm terrified of ants.
Ah!
We heard screaming.
Daniel saw an ant.
Oh, well, everyone. This is
Stan. Stan bought this place
in foreclosure after the
incident. [thud] [screaming]
I told you fools it
wasn't safe to be here today.
Stan, Stan, we talked
about this. Yeah.
I am so sorry. I
forgot my manners.
This place, it just
gets me out of sorts.
It's okay.
This way. Brochures
are $2, by the way.
Okay, you two, listen. I need
you to be super convincing.
I need you get into
character, get in there and
conduct a
proper interview. You got me?
But I'm not a real
forensic detective.
I don't know
how to interview.
Yeah.
And I'm not really psychic, so-
Oh, newsflash.
You're actors, so act.
Yeah, yeah.
SCARY MUSIC
SHERYL: Oh, Jimmy. Oh,
oh, oooh, oh, oh, oh.
I can feel his
presence.Aah. Aah.
This is not
being taken seriously.
Shut the camera
off. I'm done.
LORRAINE: No, no, no. Stan, wait.
We are taking this very seriously.
Sir, tell us about the alleged
incidents that you alleged
to have happened
around the alleged property.
I'll tell you this. Buying this
house was a big mistake.
I mean,
I thought I'd make a fortune
in murder tour tickets.
But no. One bad Yelp review,
and that bus just stopped
coming. I can't even sleep
here because he won't
let me. I actually had to move
back into my mama's house.
Tell me, have
you ever seen or witnessed
this ghost of a serial killer?
I'll tell what I have seen.
Shadows that shouldn't be there
but are. Cold spots,
even in the summertime.
Lights turning off
and on and shit.
Jimmy, if you're here,
turn this light off right now.
I command thee.
DANIEL: Oh, victim Stan, what
about the horrific crime
scene in the murder room.
That's where he shot himself
exactly five years ago tonight.
I won't go near it.
He actually kept the bodies
in a closet over there.
Little Mittens
won't go near it either.
And he's the friendliest
cat you're ever gonna meet.
[THUMP]
DANIEL: Ah!
SHERYL: Ah! The cat?
That wasn't no damn cat.
Take it easy, Stan.
What?
LORRAINE: Put it down.
Y'all just don't get it, do
you? The spirit is evil!
With a capital Evil! It wants to
cross over, and mark my words,
he will do anything
to come through.
Do not underestimate
Jimmy Timmy Beck.
[WHOOSH SOUND]
PETER:
Uh, Jimmy Timmy?
Don't start. We'll just shorten
his name for dramatic effect.
SHERYL: So Jim Tim?
Oh.
Hey, Bob, it's me.
BOB (ON PHONE):
Oh, Lorraine.
I think I'm gonna buy this other
show. I was talking to Aisha-
No, no, no.
You don't buy another show.
This show is going to be
awesome, and you are going to
want this, and you are not
going to buy anything from Aisha
because she is a lying slutbag,
and I am going to deliver
something
amazing to you in a week.
BOB:
[Voice cutting out]
No. Fine, fine.
I'll have a cut to you
in 48 hours,
Bob, I promise. Bob.
[PHONE BEEPS, CALL LOST]
Two years ago I was up for an
Emmy and dating a Wahlberg.
STAN:
Do you have a check for me?
Shit, Stan, you scared me!
No. I don't have
a check for you today.
No discretionary funds.
What the hell
does that mean?
It means you're an
associate producer now.
Hmm, is that important?
Oh, yeah.
All right.
Okay.
So you just drive safe.
We'll see you
in a couple days.
Doesn't anybody
have a landline anymore?
PETER: We're lucky this
place has working plumbing.
So I thought that...
LORRAINE: So here's what we're gonna do.
I want you take this
and I want you to go measure for
cold spots like those, um, those
other ghost hunting shows do.
Yeah. Oh, if you find the guys
cat, bonus. We use it as a prop.
[BUZZ SOUND]
OMINOUS MUSIC BEGINS
[MAGNETIC BUZZING CONTINUES]
This place gives me the creeps.
[MAGNETIC BUZZING AMPLIFIES]
[MAGNETIC BUZZING CONTINUES]
[SCARY WHOOSH EFFECT]
OMINOUS MUSIC CONTINUES
[CREAKY, WINDY SOUND EFFECT]
SHERYL: I know you said
you're not that observant.
I saw that.
[CREAKY, SCARY, SOUNDS]
Ah! Lorraine!
SOFT EERIE MUSIC
[BUZZING]
DANIEL: Oh! Oh, Jesus.
SHERYL: Oh no.
SHERYL:
Oh.
Oh, sweet hay bales,
there's the closet.
Oh, number 12, Adele. Hello?
Good idea.
We should pray.
No, no, no. My acting coach told
me that I should count down my
favorite songs every time I get
nervous, so I'm on number 11.
Beyonce, "Crazy in Love."
Oh. [humming]
"Back That Azz Up" by Juvenile.
SINGING
[LOUD NOISE]
[screaming]
LORRAINE:
What's happening?
DANIEL:
Uh, uh, uh, he was here.
He was
here and we saw him.
PETER:
Who was? Mittens?
No, the ghost.
Start recording and
get in the corner, okay?
Hey, hey, follow me.
Measure for cold spots.
LORRAINE: Hey, hey,
measure for cold spots.
Use your device.
DANIEL:
As I get closer to the closet,
the temperature drops
because that is where Jimmy ate
his victims.
Right, Sheryl?
Um, the spirits are telling me
that's where they were digested.
SHERYL: Now I'm going to try and
communicate with the spirit
Jimmy Timmy Beck.
Just Jimmy.
Just Jimmy. Can you give
us a sign to show us you're
here, Jimmy? [BUZZING]
We're not asking for much.
Just a sign, a real sign.
Just dropped four degrees
cooler near the closet.
SHERYL:
Is that you, Jimmy?
[LOUD SCARY NOISE]
AH!
Maybe that was the cat.
That's a big fucking cat.
[SCREAMING]
JIMMY: Son of a bitch,
something bit me!
LORRAINE:
Cut! You're fired.
What? Because of a bug
bite? I'm calling my agent.
LORRAINE:
Go call your agent.
You're still fired. You suck.
Afraid of fucking bugs.
I think I had a minor stroke.
I think I wet myself.
DANIEL: I'm gonna have a
long-term fear of closets.
SHERYL:
Hey, what's going on here?
Did you hire an actor who looks
just like the real Jimmy Beck,
and [laughs] why was he
hiding in the closet?
I hired a look alike. So what?
edit out the last five seconds
and we have two TV hosts scared
shitless encountering the ghost
of a crazed
serial killer. Winning.
SHERYL:
But he's not really a ghost.
And you aren't really a psychic.
This is reality TV and we are
creating the reality
TV that people want.
Fuck, I have an
idea. Go get that idiot.
You two have no idea
what is on the line here.
If this works, I promise
you it is going to be life
changing for all of us. I just
need you guys to run around for
a couple hours, play
ghost hunters, look scared
around every corner, and I
promise you I'm gonna make this
worth your while. How's
a spa weekend on me sound?
Very thoughtful and sweet.
But unfortunately, I
can't accept that.
Why? Guys do
spas all the time.
Oh, it's not that. I'm just
super scared of steam.
Oh, come on! Do you
know how many red carpets
I have been to this year?
None!
I need this.
I want this. I can feel it.
And if you aren't with
me, there's the door.
Well, it's kind of far
back to town and I don't think
you'll give me a ride, so yes,
for the spa weekend, I'll do it.
Yeah. As long
as you don't scare me anymore.
I am so proud
I cast you two.
PETER: Find an actor? Find
my dick with your lips.
ACTOR: Mom, can you come get me?
I... hello?
[CROWS CAWING]
Hello. Ah! [CALL DROPS]
[CHAINSAW SOUND EFFECT]
[Screams]
PETER:
Hmm.
[mumbles] Huh.
Dude's a ghost.
DANIEL: Three bedroom,
two bath in the valley.
SHERYL: Ah, kudos on the two
full baths in case you have
a guest, you know?
LORRAINE: Oh ya. Oh, and the guy
from "One Tree Hill" is my neighor
SHERYL: Ooh.
You live next
to Jean Claude Van Damme?
Did you sleep
with him yet?
PETER:
Sleep with who?
Inappropriate, Pete.
I was just asking. Anyway, no
idea where that actor dude went.
Yeah, I'll deal with
him later. Get the camera on the
closet door, and hurry!
DANIEL: Huh!
Whoa!
Sorry, I missed it.
Story of my life.
DANIEL:
You rigged the door.
Of course. Do you think
they open on their own?
[ELECTRIC SOUND EFFECTS]
Did you rig that too?
No, I didn't.
Hey, guys. Listen to this.
DEMONIC VOICE:
This is my house.
Holy bats in the belfry.
That really happened.
There's really a ghost.
[POP]
LORRAINE:
Yeah, to being ghost hunters.
SHERYL:
Hmm, to being famous.
You know what? It is time to put
the past behind us. To all the
people that doubted me,
especially producers named Bob.
That indie role I
probably didn't get.
To my ex-girlfriend
Janet who left me in the church,
and now she's a whore.
SHERYL:
Oh, no I'm sure she's not.
No. She's a legit whore.
Yeah. She barters
her vagina for cocaine.
Oh.
Okay.
PETER: Uh, not really good at
this stuff, but, um, my dad got
cancer last year and beat it.
That's great.
Then he died in a car accident,
which sucked. It was a stormy
night, the road was
really windy, and the... the
cliff kinda jumped out at him.
Plus he was hammered. But he was
a really good drunk driver
normally. I was supposed to pick
him up but, uh, I got
sidetracked on Tinder talking to
this girl. I sent her a dick
pic, she sent me a dick pic
back, which was really...
anyway. He sent me a text right
before he disintegrated.
He said,
"Son, I want you to know...
my fucking car's on fire."
I still have the text.
Okay, then. Um,
let's get back to it.
I'd like a camera
over there. You think you can
handle that, Pete?
Yeah.
Okay.
Sure.
SOFT SPOOKY SOUNDS
[LEAVES RUSTLING]
Put a camera in all of
these trees, Pete? All the
trees? Yeah, all
the trees, Pete,
because [BIRDS CAWING] I want
you to do all this extra work.
[BIRDS CONTINUE TO CAW]
LORRAINE:
Pete, time is money.
PETER: This is for producers named
Bob that don't respect me and admire
me like Pete does,
because who gives a fuck
what Pete thinks.
Oh, this is for that role I
didn't get because I didn't blow
enough producers. Oh, this is
for my ex-girlfriend selling her
twat for crack cocaine.
I don't even like champagne.
LORRAINE: Peter!
I'm putting
up the camera.
[BIRDS CAWING]
LORRAINE:
Time is money!
Yes, ma'am.
[BIRDS CAWING]
SHERYL: You ever get the
feeling we're being watched?
LORRAINE: Stop complaining about stalkers.
At my age you're gonna
want someone to follow you
home and watch you undress.
No. I mean, like, right now.
What?
[TORTURED SCREAMING]
Ah!
What was that?
What the hell?
What is that?
PETER: Hey, guys.
[SCREAMING]
Found some beef jerky.
Can you stop screwing
around and go get your camera?
Okay. Time to check out the room
we're calling the death chamber.
[DISTANT HOWLING]
LORRAINE: Okay. So you guys
remember what we rehearsed?
Good, good. Pete,
are you rolling? And action.
SHERYL: We're here on the
Beck property, haunted site
of numerous grisly murders. As
you can see, it's very dark and
I can feel
that evil is present.
DANIEL: The killer buried
lots of bodies around
this here Beck property. My
partner will use her psychic
powers. I will use my forensic
science expertise. We will
locate and conquer
this paranormal activity
that we detect.
Now,
the spirit has already shown
some displeasure
with us being here,
so we have
to be very careful.
Okay. No one's gonna jump
out of here though, right?
LORRAINE: No.
SHERYL: No. We'll be fine.
[DOOR CREAKS]
[CRICKET SOUNDS]
[FLY BUZZING]
[HEAVY DOOR SLAM]
PARANORMAL MUSIC
SHERYL: Hmm.
DANIEL: Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.
There seems to be a red
paint-like substance on the
- Hmm.
- floor here.
[BLOOD DRIP SOUNDS]
SHERYL:
Ah. Yes, I think that's blood.
Oh.
[FLY BUZZING] Ah, hmm.
Oh.
[BLOOD DRIPS AND FLY
BUZZING CONTINUE]
Hmm, well, that's strange.
Hmm.
[SCREAMING]
[GUSHY BLOOD DRIPS]
[SCREAMS CONTINUE AND FADE]
Ew, ew, ew.
PETER: [laughing]
We found the cat.
Shut up.
God, my top. Oh, I've
got cat blood on me.
I can't get blood
exposure from this, can I?
Like, cat hepatitis?
- Awesome.
- How did it look?
- Yeah.
- Swear?
Mm, Let me see it.
Blood, boobs, money shot.
Oh, my God.
Was this you, Lorraine?
Me?
Yeah. You wanted
the cat as a prop.
Judge Judy would
call that a motive, man.
Okay. I donate to PETA, and
I am deathly allergic of cats.
Hey, who turned
the house lights off?
[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]
DANIEL: Uh, um-
LORRAINE: Let's get in there.
Our psychic is
gonna call out that ghost.
Wait, what? How
am I gonna do that?
Positive energy. Let's do this.
Uh, you should
really clean that shirt up.
[whining]
I bet you blood on
boobs attracts ghosts.
LORRAINE:
Inappropriate, Pete!
Sorry!
[GOAT SOUNDS EFFECTS]
[CRICKETS]
SHERYL: Oh, I can't wait
to get this blood off.
LORRAINE: Whoa.
SHERYL: Oh, God.
I don't remember my
20s being so perky.
PETER: Got you some flashlights.
Holy tits!
- Sorry. I was just, uh-
- Inappropriate, Pete.
Here's some extra batteries.
- Pete!
- That's a really nice rack.
[CRICKETS]
Hey!
Somebody's been in here.
That door was open when we left.
Don't you bullshit me, Pete.
[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]
DANIEL: Okay. This can't be good.
We should go back outside.
LORRAINE:
No, this is great. Keep rolling.
[DOOR CREAKING]
At least my timer still works.
Your timer's not there.
LORRAINE: Oh.
SHERYL:
Something's fishy here.
Like with the house.
I don't trust her.
Pete, you need to tell
us what she's up to.
Me? How would I know?
Look, even if it is her, she's
never gone this far before.
Don't make me do it.
What, are you guys like five?
[SQUEAK AND DOOR SLAM]
Actor guy?
LORRAINE:
Who's in there?
Keep rolling. We're going in.
I'm not going in there.
Don't you pull the
diva card with me, young lady.
When I found you, you were Drunk
Sorority Chick Number 3 on an
episode of "Scream Queens."
For the record,
I was Drunk Girl Number 2.
Whatever.
You were on "Scream Queens"?
Get in there now.
[HOWLING AND CRICKE SOUNDS INTENSIFY]
SOFT SPOOKY AMBIENCE
SHERYL:
Hello? Jimmy?
Was that you we heard?
If this was a horror film,
a cat would jump out right now.
Pretty sure the cat's
jumping days are over.
That's a good point,
Pete. Poor little Mittens.
Jimmy, if that was you,
can you do that again?
[BUZZING SOUND]
DANIEL:
70 degrees even.
Uh, uh. [sigh]
[ATMOSPHERIC SOUNDS BUILD]
[DOOR CREAKING]
GOOFY INSPECTOR MUSIC
DANIEL:
Still 70 degrees.
[CAR HORN HONKING]
[BUZZING]
LORRAINE:
Son of a bitch.
[MACHINE BEEPS,
CAR HONKING]
DANIEL:
It just went up a degree.
[HONKING CONTINUES]
LORRAINE: What the fuck... [gasps].
Holy fucking shit - Are you -
[muffled screams]
[CAR HONKING CONTINUES]
[LIGHT SWTICH SOUND EFFECT]
DANIEL: Pete, you got
anymore batteries.
SHERYL: Yeah. He's got
a lot of batteries.
PETER:
Um, yeah. They're Cs.
DANIEL: Oh.
SHERYL: Oh, God.
What do-these take Ds?
I prefer Double Ds.
I can't believe I'm in
the middle of this.
I can't believe I'm in
the middle of this either.
I want to go home.
PETER: It's gonna be okay, buddy.
It's gonna be okay.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
See?
Anything?
[MACHINE STARTS BEEPING]
Instant temperature drop.
Back in business.
[RELIEVED SIGH]
Uh, actually...
Oh. I think we just
debunked our cold spots.
[MACHINE BEEPING]
Where's Lorraine.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
Looks like there's our answer.
Debunked our light problem.
It's our producer, Lorraine.
That's two for two.
Come on out, Lorraine.
I don't think this is Lorraine.
My inner voice is telling
me this is definitely her.
You know what we should do?
Call Judge Judy right now.
No. We should scare her.
I don't think that's
possible. One time
I saw her get
bit by a rattlesnake.
She sucked out the poison,
killed the snake, and then made
me a belt. She's like
Chuck Norris, just way sexier.
Okay. Well, look. If she wants
to mess around with dead cats
and all this sick shit, I say
we give it right back to her.
Like the Ten
Commandments. When people do
stuff to you, you gotta
do stuff back to people.
Exactly. If she wants to
keep scaring us, guess what?
Two people
can play at that game.
DANIEL: Maybe we should
hide or something.
PETER: I'm not hiding.
I'm a grownup.
SHERYL: She's hiding and she's
got a three-bedroom house in the
valley.
PETER: Had a house.
What?
She had a House. She sold
it to pay for this show.
Now she lives above a
methadone clinic a mile from
me in Van Nuys
Oh, she's such a liar.
She's a Class A
sinner, that one.
Oh, she's got a good heart
and she's just, uh...
buries it deep,
really, really deep.
SHERYL: Mm, you so
have a crush on her.
Oh, no. [laughs]
No, I...
SHERYL: Whatever. She's just using you.
I think she likes chicks.
No, she doesn't!
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
DANIEL: Can we please just
find her and prove that she
is behind all of this? Because
if not, I am going to be
convinced that there
is a ghost under my bed
the rest of my life.
Okay. We'll be those
meddling kids from "Dukes
of Hazzard." You can be Bo, you
can be Luke, and I'll be Daisy.
PETER: Uh, meddling kids was
"Scooby Doo," and that was Daphne.
DANIEL: Yeah. I don't want to be
the racist people from that show
that got canceled
for being racist.
They weren't racist.
Says the white guy.
I'm half Portuguese.
Okay. So is she
Daphne or is she Daisy?
I'm so confused.
Can we just find the fuse box?
Yes. Maybe in there.
LORRAINE: [muffled screams] Hey!
Hey! [screaming]
GOOFY INSPECTOR MUSIC
SHERYL:
I bet it's in the garage.
DANIEL: More blood.
SHERYL: Ooh.
[BLOOD DRIP SOUNDS] DANIEL:
That is blood, right, Pete?
PETER: Oh, yeah.
Oh, Lorraine. I just got
over the last dead animal.
I'm not going in there,
guys. You don't understand.
I have an extreme
phobia of being murdered.
That's not a phobia. Everybody's
afraid of being murdered.
Well, I don't care. I'm
gonna go outside and
wait for Lorraine.
[ROPE TIGHTENING SOUND EFFECT]
EMMETT: [Sniffing] Mm.
Nice boots.
LORRAINE: [Muffled] Thank you.
[SPOOKY AMBIENCE ]
[CRICKETS]
SHERYL: Get the champagne, Pete.
Wait a second.
DANIEL: What?
Look.
[SPOOKY AMBIENCE INTENSIFIES]
This car is a 2012. You can tell
right by the steering wheel.
She always told
me it was brand new.
Huh. Time to drink.
[CRICKETS]
[MUFFLED SCREAMS]
[CLATTERING TOOLS]
EMMETT: Sea salt filtered
through holy water, blessed by
a Catholic Bishop.
One spirit-detecting candle made
by a Native American shaman.
I'm sorry, but today
being the very anniversary of
Jimmy's suicide, it's the
only day that I can do this...
[MUFFLED]
Do what?
Gut that son of a bitch
who murdered my
brother when I was in prison.
[Muffled] I don't
follow you. I really don't ...ah.
Jimmy Timmy Beck. I can
barely say that asshole's name.
It's easier if
you drop the Timmy.
[ELECTRIC STATIC]
You know I'm here for
you, Jimmy. You see, I was doing
a bid in McDougal for armed
robbery when he snatched my
brother like he did the others.
He brought him here to this very
place and he did things to him.
PETER: I used to love the bacon
cheeseburgers at Sully's.
They're delicious.
They come with these fries,
baked beans, and coleslaw.
Then they went out of business
so I started going to Twain's.
They had this
amazing French dip.
The portions
were kinda small,
but it was worth
it for the price.
EMMETT: You know, in this
light you look just like him.
Are you kidding me?
Yeah.
Unh-unh. Unh-unh. Unh-unh.
Ugh.
PETER: Got used to going there
and then, of course, they went
out of business too. So I
started going to, uh, Du-Par's.
They had a really good,
uh, beet salad that I liked.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
SHERYL:
How sad is that?
She's still at it.
Wait a minute. Look at that.
DANIEL:
Who's that guy?
I don't know.
Maybe that asshole Bob from
the network she's
always talking about.
He's probably in there
commending her on her
work ethic. Man, she's got a
real commitment to this show.
Wait. But if she's in there,
who's messing with the fuse box?
EMMETT: Tonight, Jimmy Beck's
soul has the power to cross over
into another living body at the
exact moment of his death five
years ago
today at precisely 6:66 p.m.
That's 7:06, you fucktard.
And with the
proper incantation, his body can
enter our realm for exactly one
hour. How do I know this, do you
ask? Well, I happen to meet a
French Quarter voodoo priest
online who gave me the exact
invocation for this very ritual
here. Yeah. Uh, I am totally
rocking this whole spiritual
diversity thing. Some of
this shit's gotta work, right?
SHERYL:
What about the blood?
PETER: We gotta find out what's
controlling these lights?
At this point,
I don't care if that blood's
from a
dismembered Labradoodle.
DANIEL:
What's a Labradoodle?
It's like when a
Labrador mates a Poodle,
or a Poodle
mates a Labrador.
SHERYL:
Mm-hmm.
I can't remember
who has to be on top.
EMMETT:
You know this
whole abbreviated serial killer
thing has not been easy on me,
you know? Uh, I'm a nice guy,
but I had to walk in his shoes
to get in the right frame of
mind. First, I did the cat. I
fucking hate cats. Second,
I did that whiny little actor
friend of yours. Uh, third,
I fucking raped
the shit out of his goat.
Oh, fuck me. And
last, last but not least,
I'm gonna be killing you.
LORRAINE:
Me?
Yeah. Uh, you see
um, I want his spirit to
enter a living body so I can
torment him like he did my
brother. Yeah. I'm gonna slice
him. I'm gonna slice him from
his throat all the way down to
his taint. I am gonna watch the
life leave his eyes just like he
did my brother.
He didn't deserve what he got.
He wasn't
even a tranny.
You lost me.
Jimmy Timmy Beck
only killed transvestite midget
circus clowns.
You did not know this?
I'm shocked. Yeah.
The fucking papers kept it quiet
because they didn't want to
discourage the fucking precious
carnival from coming in every
year, but, you know, still. I
don't know why he picked my
brother. He wasn't even a midget
or a fucking clown
for that matter.
Okay. Let me get
this straight for one second.
You're gonna get a
murderer's spirit to enter my
body for one hour;
is that correct?
Yeah,
that's correct.
Okay. And then you're
gonna kill me, but you actually
think that you're killing the
murderer's spirit that is in
my body; am I correct again?
Correct.
Okay. So
listen to me. Why wouldn't you
have used, I don't know, let's
say maybe the actor who looked
exactly like the
murderer's spirit?
I'm not having sex with a guy.
What the fuck? You
didn't say anything about sex.
Is this supposed to before or
after you're gonna kill me?
Correct.
What? Oh, no. This has to
be some sick fucking joke.
Shh.
[MUFFLED SCREAMS]
PETER: Well, I guess that
rules out a Labradoodle.
[DOOR CREAKS METAL CRASH]
[SCREAMING]
Revenge is hard to explain,
it really is, okay?
It will be him,
but it will be you, you know I
mean, I have spent the last six
years in a men's prison, and...
and, and a woman with all of her
working lady parts, it'll be a
nice change for me.
I'm looking forward to it.
[MUFFLED]
You fucking psychopath.
His body cannot enter
this circle here. I will be
protected, and you on the other
side, you're gonna die. Okay.
Uh, this is Viagra for my penis.
[ELECTRICAL FORCE FIELD]
That's the worst
bug bite I've ever seen.
SHERYL:
Mm-hmm.
Poor little actor guy.
Is he really, you know?
Dead? Either that or he's
a really good actor.
Check his pulse.
[DARK DREARY CHIMES]
I don't
feel anything.
That's not where
his pulse is. It's over here.
Or maybe over here.
Find it?
This dude is dead.
[GURGLING AND SCREAM]
DANIEL: Hmm.
Maybe now he's dead.
LORRAINE:
[Screaming]
EMMETT:
[LAUGHING]
Uh...
Shit. Lorraine might
really be in trouble in there.
Then we should run away, guys.
We should run far away
right now. And get help.
Come on, Pete.
EMMETT:
Come for me, Jimmy Timmy.
Come for me, Jimmy Timmy Beck.
Enter this physical
vessel which I have
provided for you.
Welcome.
[DOOR RATTLES OPEN]
Whoo! Aah!
Beat me with a broom stick.
You have ruined my circle.
SHERYL:
Get away.
Unh-unh.
Oh. Oh, hey
Pete, could you, like, man up
here and do something, please?
Shit.
Technically that was something.
He's like a ninja.
You have ruined my fucking
ritual. The spirit needs a body.
SHERYL:
[SCREAMING]
DANIEL: [SCREAMING]
Oh, hey, we gotta go. We
gotta get to the car. Hurry up.
No, no, no. The car doesn't
work. He ripped...
he ripped the wires out.
SHERYL:
What the hell is going on?
We have to get out now.
You're kind
of dodging the question.
No, I'm dodging him!
Get over here! Ah!
[SCREAMING]
DANIEL:
Ah, ah, ah, sir, sir.
Seriously, man,
just take a pill.
No, no! No
more pills. No more pills.
Which one of you pieces of
shit murdered my brother? Hmm?
None of us!
None of us, sir. We don't know
what you're talking about.
LORRAINE:
Jimmy Beck. He's trying
to raise the spirit for an hour
of sadomasochism and mutilation.
I want revenge on that
motherfucker for what he did to
my brother Dale. He doesn't seem
to be in any one of you though.
Well, you don't see us lining
up for Ringling Brothers Circus,
do you?
What?
LORRAINE: Oh, yeah. Jimmy's
victims were all cross-dressing
circus clowns under 5'7".
He killed poor little munchkins.
His spirit
is out. I can feel it.
But why didn't it
enter a body, hmm?
Sir, sir, we
don't know, okay?
Back. Hey, hey, do me a favor.
Just... just put down the knife.
Give... give Pete the knife.
Actually
Sheryl's closer.
Hand Pete the knife. Hand Pete
the knife. Hand Pete the knife.
Yeah.
Hand Pete the knife.
Yeah. Aah!
The body, it has
no choice but to enter
another one for one hour.
[EVIL LAUGH]
It's not supposed to go. Fucking
Jimmy Timmy! Just...
[ELECTRIC MELTDOWN SOUND]
What the fuck are you doing?
Get back! Stay back! Stay back!
Fuck why didn't it work?
Oh, Shit! Maybe I
got this all wrong.
Maybe I got it all wrong.
[EVIL LAUGHTER]
I've done everything! I was
waiting a year for this shit!
Maybe the spirit can't
cross over into a living body.
Maybe it's gotta
be fucking dead.
[HARD IMPACT PERCUSSION HIT]
EMMET: Oh, fuck...
Oh, I have been
waiting for this!
[GHASTLY SCREAMS]
[SHATTER SOUNDS]
Run! Hey, Mr. Dead
Guy! Hey, hey, hey,
Mr. Dead Guy! Get his knife!
Get his knife! Ahh!
JIMMY:
I'm the one who does the gutting
around here, Emmett. And I'm
gonna do you just like I did
your whiny little brother
while he begged and begged,
Just the tip,
Jimmy. Just the tip.
[GROANS]
[KNIFE STRIKE]
Oh, well, that
was a bit extreme.
[GROANING]
What's with the whole
last dying breath thing?
Ah!
[SHOCK SCREAM]
Who's next? You?
Me?
But you look like
the "cut my cock off and
grow a pair of tits type.
N... No, I don't.
Yeah, you do. You've got enough
whore makeup on to be a clown.
Hah, I just use
a little bronzer, that's it.
Hmm. And you're
just a lying little bitch.
LORRAINE: Touch.
JIMMY: Heh.
[SCREAMING]
LORRAINE: It isn't going to start!
Keep going!
DANIEL: In hindsight, this
probably wasn't a great idea.
SHERYL: Ugh, Taking this gig?
Tell me about it.
God dammit, we're off the grid.
Can't even check Facebook.
Do you remember
how far we are from town?
Like, what
five miles? I don't remember.
(Laughing) We are not going out
there. Hello? Stranger danger.
That's a good point.
Probably a lot more
dangerous out there than
in here with a possessed killer.
The devil you know, right?
Hey, maybe he
can't leave the house.
[DISTANT DOOR SLAM]
[CRUNCHING OF LEAVES]
These boots weren't
meant for running, Pete.
Okay. I think
I have an idea.
PETER: Okay.
LORRAINE: So the evil spirit in that
dead body has an hour time limit,
so the clock is ticking.
I kind of missed
the whole origin story.
Just listen. All we have to do
is hunker down and wait it out.
That makes sense. Actually,
none of that makes sense.
Okay. So here's the plan. I'm
gonna go hide in the dead cat
shed over there and
you're gonna go get the camera.
phew, no. no. no, that... what?
Someone's gotta film this, Pete.
I mean, this is like the "Blair
Witch Project" times twenty.
I mean, think about the money
and the job security, Pete.
I'm thinking about not
getting raped in the
ass and murdered by
that thing back there.
I mean, we could probably
get another job somewhere.
I don't see him. Maybe he
followed Lorraine and Pete.
[LOUD CRASH OF TWISTED METAL]
[EXHALES] I held my breath
for a full minute that time.
Whew. That is not
bad for someone with asthma.
Oh, God, I don't believe this.
Huh, What?
Ugh, I just had a thought.
Lorraine said she'd give me
that free spa weekend, right?
DANIEL:
Mm-hmm.
But this new situation, does it
change that? I mean, what
what if something happens to
her? Do I still get the weekend?
It was a verbal agreement.
Hmm, great. So I'm
gonna get screwed.
She better live,
that's all I have to say.
No. No, no, no, no.
Judge Judy would say that
it's legally binding. She...
she'd rule in your
favor on that one.
[BRANCHES SNAPPING
AND A DEEP GASP]
Please tell me that was you.
Unh-unh.
[SCREAMING]
[GOATS BLEATING]
LORRAINE:
Hold still.
PETER:
I am holding still.
[GOATS BLEATING]
The goat's over there.
I don't want him to attack us.
Why would the goat attack us?
Wouldn't you be pissed off if
you were fucked in the ass by
a crazy psycho killer?
[GOATS BLEATING]
I ain't afraid of
no goats. Let's go.
[CHIMES AND MARIMBA]
I think we lost him.
Okay. What do we know about
this Jimmy Beck ghost guy?
He was probably
bullied a lot as a child,
maybe even some
as a ghost. I don't know.
I bet no one
went to his funeral
and that hurt
his feelings and... and
caused him to become even
more of a sicko freakish
psychotic killing machine.
No. I mean, why
would he want to hurt us?
We're not
his style. Think about it.
His issues are
tranny clown midgets.
You have to say
transgender little people.
Do you think Daniel
and Sheryl are ok?
Ah, the universe
protects idiots, Pete.
I would've cast the girl from
the condom commercial,
but she didn't
fucking call me back.
Uh, Lor... Lorraine?
I could get a
film deal from this.
Even better, I could
get a book deal from this.
I mean, this could probably
put me back on the map.
Lorraine?
What?
Where's the cat?
[DEAD MOANING CAT]
[TORTURED CAT]
Listen to me. We're
not his demographic.
You're right.
That's profiling 101.
I should've known that.
Mm.
This guy's breaking all
the serial killer rules, Sheryl.
Do you want to stick
around and tell him, Daniel?
Ahh!
Oh, ahh.
Okay, girl. Get it together.
You can do this.
You take pilates twice a week.
You are Lorraine Taylor.
You're gonna have a
major book deal from this.
[PETRIFIED CAT MEOWING]
Peter?
[PETRIFIED CAT MEOWING]
Huh!, Fucking zombie cat.
[PETRIFIED CAT SCREECHING]
This is why I'm a dog person.
[PETRIFIED CAT SCREECHING]
Hey! Ow!
Oh, Peter, thank God.
I didn't know where you were.
You were worried about me?
You have the flashlight.
I think I lost an earring.
Of course.
Thank you.
Where's
Lorraine?
God!
Oh!
Thank God!
Ah!
Hey! Oh, it's me.
Okay. Okay.
Hey, that label said
"Willard," not "Prada."
So?
The boots are knock offs?
So what?
Judge Judy would call
that copyright infringement.
Well, fuck Judge Judy and fuck
you too, Daniel. And you know
what? Fuck you, fuck you, and
fuck this fucking ghost. I don't
need approval from any of
you people. Do you think you're
always gonna be in your 20s? Let
me tell you a little story about
me when I was 20.
Not the youth
squandered speech again.
We get it. You've had
to compromise. You've made
mistakes, which leads us to your
biggest one, the lookalike actor
you hired who now has a crazed
ghost killer inside of him and
is currently chasing after us
with a knife trying to kill us.
So we're going to suck it up and
go hide in the dead cat shed.
By the way, the
cat's not dead.
Little Mittens
is alive and well?
Not really.
Yeah, he's undead,
like Jimmy. Hell,
everything around here seems
susceptible to being raised from
the dead after whatever black
magic that douchebag screwed up.
But if everything
can be raised...
That means not only the cat,
but those midget
clowns he killed too.
[LIGHT CHIMES WITH GIGGLING]
Still, Why would
they want to hurt us?
Yeah.
They... we didn't
do anything to them.
Ow!
[LAUGHTER OF MIDGETS]
Is anything here rational?
Ow!
Hey
Hey, you cocksucking clowns,
stop throwing rocks right now!
Ow! Oww!!
[MIDGET LAUGHTER]
Jesus!
[LAUGHTER]
I so hate this house.
[MIDGET DEMON LAUGHTER]
[SCARY DARK SOUND]
[MONSTER GROWL]
[WOODEN DOOR CREAKS]
[DOOR SLAMMING SOUND]
[DARK, SCARY
CRESCENDO OF STRINGS]
[TROMBONE SQUELCH]
[CANDY BAR THUD]
[BLOOD TRICKLING SOUND]
Leaking all
over my damn house.
[EXHALING]
I held my breath another minute.
It seems to be my ceiling.
Number 10, Wilson Phillips,
"Hold On."
Number nine, Kelly Clarkson,
"Since You Been Gone."
Shh.
I'm sorry. I'm just really
nervous, and I have to pee.
I really do.
So do I. We
should've hit the bathroom.
I know. There's three
of them in here and we can't use
any of them right now.
One of my worst fears actually.
[CACOPHONY OF SOUNDS]
[WOOD DOOR CREAK]
[CRESCENDO OF STRINGS]
[DOOR RATTLES THEN THUD]
Do you think he left?
Yeah.
[CLASSICAL ROMANTIC MUSIC]
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING]
Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater, had
a girl but couldn't keep her.
[FOOT CLATTER]
[BONE SMASHING HIT]
We're not like those pussies
on those other ghost shows.
Yeah. That's right. That's for
my ex-girlfriend, the whore,
her pimp, and cock and balls.
Oh, yeah. Kill
that dead motherfucker.
[BONE SOUND]
Now, that's an exorcism.
Ew, you got brains on your top.
Ew.
Shit, Lorraine. Lorraine,
stay with me. We beat Beck,
you hear me? Okay. We won.
You... you got it on film?
Yeah, we sure did.
Inappropriate, Pete.
Pete?
Yeah.
Is she...
Wait for it.
[SCREAMING]
Yeah, now, she's dead.
You sure? She
tends to lie a lot, Pete.
There goes my spa weekend.
You gonna be okay?
Yeah.
You think you could
put the toilet seat down for me,
because I really have to go.
Let's talk about this
whole possession thing.
So the spirit
doesn't go into the living,
it goes into the dead
for an hour. And then when you
smash the dead dude's head,
it leaves the body?
[TOILET FLUSHES]
Yeah, but then where does it go?
Because he's still got another
20 minutes left in this world
according to my watch.
Your turn.
Pardon me. [SCREAMING]
Ow!
Oh, my God,
I'm so sorry, Lorraine.
Inappropriate, Pete.
Oh, you asshole! We
were gonna have babies!
Lots and lots of babies.
Okay. Okay. It's done. Alright.
Okay. Okay. Okay. It's done.
She's right. She's
right, it's done. It's done.
Sheryl's right.
It's done, buddy.
Damn, it's more
blood and her hair.
I hope those aren't pubes. Ugh!
Okay. Okay.
He's gone. He's gone. He's gone.
Jimmy's gotta be gone. Jimmy...
Jimmy... Timmy is gone, right?
Right? There's no more. There's
no more freshly killed people.
There's no more freshly killed
people. That's it. That's it. We
just gotta walk back to town.
Are you sure about that?
EMMETT:
I'm back.
The fuck.
SHERYL:
Split up.
[DARK DREARY SYNTH]
I wish I had a weapon or a
really big cup of holy water.
Oh hold on a second. We've
been going about this all wrong.
We can't fight
the spirit and win.
Yeah. Because we don't have a
giant cup of holy water, I know.
No. We need the supernatural
to fight the supernatural.
Yes. Yes. Like King
Kong or Godzilla, exactly.
Or all those ghost clowns
he killed whose souls are out
there. I've read enough scripts
to know what their souls need is
redemption. I'm gonna get them
to fight for us.
There's gotta be like, what,
12 of them, maybe more?
And don't
forget about that cat.
Right. And the cat. They
all must hate him for what he
did to them. Hmm.
They're gonna take our side.
[GHASTLY GROANS AND MOANS]
Ghost clowns?
Ghostly alternative life style
midget clowns?
I read somewhere that we only use
like 10 percent of our brain? Which
means that we actually have all
this psychic ability stored up
in like the other 70 percent.
All I have to do is believe.
Come to me little people of the
night and assist us in the fight
against the very spirit
that put you in the ground.
[MIDGET LAUGHTER
AND CIRCUS MUSIC]]
You did it,
Sheryl, you're psychic.
You really... you did it!
Never underestimate
the power of positive energy.
[MIDGET LAUGHTER]
[MIDGET MUCUS SPLATTER
FOLLOWED BY LAUGHTER]
Oh. Oh.
Oh, my God. What is it? What
is it? Ghost midget ectoplasm?
[LAUGHTER]
Bad clowns,
very, very bad.
[LAUGHTER]
CLOWNS:
Boobies!
Shhh... We don't want
the crazy killer outside
the door to hear us.
[FOOTSTEPS IN THE HALLWAY]
[DOOR RATTLE]
EMMETT: Who's gonna be first?
The pussy camera guy?
PETER:
Shit!
If clowns burst
through that door right now...
Shhhh...
[WOODEN DOOR CREAKS]
I'm sorry. I'm just
really fucking terrified.
Do your countdown thing.
Do your countdown thing, okay?
Okay.
I'll be right back.
You're leaving me?
I have to
pee really bad.
Still?
I kinda got interrupted before.
Oh.
Just promise me you'll stay
right here, okay? No matter
what, you stay right here. Just
stay right here and I promise
I'll be back.
Okay.
[floor creaks]
Number six, Mariah Carey
"Vision of Love."
[OMINOUS SOUNDS]
[Screaming]
OW!
[GRUNTING]
Ow! Get off my titty!
Number five, Taylor Swift,
"Shake it Off."
Shake it off.
[Screaming]
Number four,
Lady Gaga, "Bad Romance."
I'm gonna fuck
your face.
[PUNCH SOUNDS]
[GRUNTING]
[HEAVY BREATHING]
[CRICKETS]
[FLOOR CREAKS]
[OMINOUS AMBIENCE]
SHERYL:
Oh, God. Oh, my, God, Daniel.
Oh, God, Daniel. I'm so sorry.
You told me to stay.
You made me promise.
[CAR SOUNDS OUTSIDE]
[WOODEN RATTLING]
[SPOOKY PARANORMAL SOUNDS]
Fuck these spirits.
Oh, I'm gonna avenge you.
I'm gonna burn this place to the
ground. The world will know
about the sacrifices you made
here. Oh, they will.
Yes, they will. Yes, they will.
[gasping]
[exhales]
I held my breath for way over
a minute that time, Sheryl.
Way over a minute.
EMMETT:
I am going to shoehorn your
asshole wide open, motherfucker.
[GRUNTING AND SCREAMING]
Get off me!
[CUCKOO CLOCK GOES OFF]
PETER:
Wait!
[knocking]
It's me, Pete.
We can't risk it.
Open the door!
[WIND WHISTLES]
This is karma for
not picking up your dad.
PETER:
What?
Open the door, please. Open the
door. Please open the door.
Please open the door.
[SCREAMING]
[KNOCKING]
Hey. Just, uh, just...- Hey.
A hallucination.
Asshole. Fuck you.
[SCREAMING]
[THUMP]
[HYSTERICAL SCREAMING]
He did just buy us some time.
[Gagging sounds]
What the fuck
are you doing, pervert?
Oh, wait.
We can't leave him.
DANIEL:
What? You just locked him out.
I know, I panicked.
PETER: What are you doing
with my nipple? Ah!
Get off our cameraman!
DANIEL: You want to grab tits, asshole?
Grab this.
Oh, shit.
EMMETT:
Stronger reflexes in this body.
DANIEL:
Oh, shit!
EMMETT: No one leaves.
SHERYL: Hang on.
DANIEL: Hurry! Hurry!
[Screaming]
DANIEL: Oh, get in! Get in, Pete!
Get in!
SHERYL: Oh, no,
you're messing it up!
PETER:
I'm sorry!
Pete, you gotta
get in the circle.
Ah!
DANIEL:
Get in the circle.
PETER:
You think I don't want to?
[SCREAMING]
[RELIEVED LAUGHTER]
SHERYL: Oh my god. I think it worked.
He can't get in.
DANIEL: Yeah, you can't
get in, dickhead.
[Screaming]
SHERYL: We're safe inside the circle.
We just have to wait it out.
How long?
Two minutes.
SHERYL:
What's he doing?
DANIEL: I don't know. Sheryl?
Sheryl? Sheryl?
I don't know.
Sheryl? Sheryl?
Sheryl? Sheryl?
[Screaming]
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Ah! Ah! Ah!
He's in.
But not the spirit. See?
DANIEL: He messed up. He messed up.
Yeah, he's messed up.
There's no more dead
bodies for him to slide into.
[LAUGHING]
PETER: Quit fooling around dickhead.
Your titty twisting days are
done.
[FOOTSTEPS]
[DOOR RATTLING]
Oh, God.
Who's that?
[GASPING AS DOOR CREAKS OPEN]
I didn't get paid.
PETER:
Where did you come from?
I came in a few minutes
ago to check up on y'all.
Had some chest pains.
DANIEL: Victim Stan, we don't
have a ride back to town, sir.
Would you mind giving us a lift?
Hmm. Not at all.
Yeah. And also, there might have
been a few unexplained deaths on
and about the premises.
Oh. You don't say.
Maybe we can get
the murder tours going again.
Yeah, maybe.
If it works out
in your favor, why not, sir?
And Stan, about
your cat, sir, um-
How do I put it?
PETER:
Pretty dead.
DANIEL:
Yeah.
SHERYL:
Yeah.
Sorry.
And it's such a shame about
Fluffy because he was such
a kind, warm-spirited kitten.
Yeah.
Fluffy, yeah.
Damn fine kitty.
How are we gonna explain
this to the police?
You don't intend on
letting us get to the police,
do you, Jimmy?
[maniacal laughing]
What gave me away?
The kitten's name
was Mittens, not Fluffy.
And, uh, Stan
really loved his pussy.
Let me tell you a little
story about your friend, Stan.
When saw his dead little pussy,
he had himself a heart attack
Fell out right there.
I saw an in,
and I took it.
You two would make
really good investigators in
real life. Just saying.
STAN:
Shut up!
It's time to pick
up where I-
[GUN CLICKS]
left off.
Get your asses
outside! Now!
I said, move. Look tits.
Get outside.
Get out there! Turn around.
Keep it moving. Don't
look at me! Follow him.
Hands on his shoulders.
Get in line.
[CRICKETS]
SHERYL:
Ahh!
PETE: Okay. Okay, okay, okay.
STAN: Get over there.
STAN:
What's the matter?
EVIL MUSIC
[MUMBLING]
PETER: Unh-unh. Unh-unh. Unh-unh.
Unh-unh. Unh-unh.
STAN: Get your asses
down those stairs.
I said now! Get!
Are you sure...
STAN: Down!
DANIEL: Okay.
PARANORMAL X-FILES MUSIC
Maybe we should settle this
over a game of flashlight tag.
SHERYL: Oh, yeah. I used to love that game.
Didn't you, Pete?
This isn't really
the time to reminisce.
Pete, wouldn't
you like to play a game of
flashlight tag with
him? With your flashlight?
Right now.
Yes. I would
love to play flashlight tag,
as long as I'm not it. Ah!
SHERYL:
Those damn energy drinks.
Move.
Oh!
Move.
SHERYL: Wasn't there a time
limit to being in this world?
STAN: You botched the ritual earlier.
There are no time
restraints anymore.
DANIEL:
Where you taking us, Jimmy?
STAN:
To where I bury the bodies.
[EERIE WINDY AMBIENCE]
SHERYL: You want us to see
for ourselves, don't you?
You're wracked with guilt,
and if you take us to the spot,
you'll feel some
sense of closure, right?
There is no motive
other than I intend
to cut your eyes out
and slice out your tongue.
Can't you just shoot
just like you did Pete?
Don't worry, I'll be
entering him soon enough.
DANIEL: Uh, for the
record, that means, uh...
STAN:
Turn around.
On your knees.
[laughing]
I got an idea.
Let's start with your mouth
first because it's so pretty.
Um, are you
thinking the knife or the gun?
Because I have a severe
phobia to both of those.
I can't let evil win. I can't
let evil win. I have to believe.
I have to believe. I do believe.
I really don't like
anything in my mouth.
I command all
you restless spirits to come to
the aid of me and my friend.
Come to us now and protect us
against this demon-infested
fiend. [GUST OF WIND]
STAN:
What are you doing?
It's working, Sheryl. It's
working. You're talking to
the dead. Keep going.
That's enough out of you!
SHERYL: Come to us now. Come
and take away the evil that
has taken your souls
and wants to take more.
[GUST OF WIND]
Ah!
[CROWS GAWKING]
Get away.
Come now. It is time for your
redemption. It is time for you
to take your revenge.
[FAINT LAUGHTER]
No! No! Ah!
NO! OH! OH!
[INTENSIFIED LAUGHTER]
[ZAP]
DANIEL:
Holy shit!
Holy shit,
Sheryl, you did it!
You did it!
SHERYL:
Oh, oh, my God.
That's the power
of positive energy.
Let's figure out how
to get the hell out of here.
SHERYL: Oh, Stan's car!
Maybe there's keys in it.
PETER: Hey! You guys
were gonna leave me?
SHERYL:
Our bad.
Shotgun.
My camera.
Hey, I gotta get
my camera. Hey, don't leave me!
I'm fucking serious. Don't
fucking Leave me here.
[DRAMATIC SOUND EFFECT]
Go! Go!
So what happened?
Oh, Sheryl was great. She was
great. She used her psychic
powers and she
summoned the supernatural.
What?
Let's just say we had a
little help from the other side.
Lorraine was there for us.
What, really?
Oh, wow.
How did she look?
Inappropriate, Pete.
What, I'm... I'm... I'm
sorry, okay? I liked her.
There, I said it.
I know.
Uh, weren't the house
lights on a second ago?
SUSPICIOUS MUSIC
You always have to
notice everything, Pete.
Yeah. Can you just stop
recording for like a minute just
so we can, you know,
get out of here?
Yeah.
PETER:
Uh, not yet. Look.
DANIEL:
Oh, what the hell?
[ENGINE REVVING]
[BRAKES SQUEAL]
DANIEL:
Hell yes. Hell yes!
Yeah. You got that zombie cat.
Actually, no. That
was just a regular cat.
You guys didn't notice the
different color or that it was a
little bit bigger, and that it
wasn't all bloody and half
mangled?
[CRICKETS]
UPBEAT CHEERFUL MUSIC
SHERYL:
I got service.
PETER: Yes! 911 right now. Tell
them we're coming in hot. Gunshot.
Male.
MUSIC CONTINUES
I got our next show for
the network right here. Aw yeah!
Beat me with a broomstick.
We are gonna be famous.
MUSIC CONTINUES
[SCREAMING]
SPOOKY PIANO MUSIC
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
VOICE: Suspect is armed
and extremely dangerous.
Snipers let me know
when you are in position.
You have a shot, take it.
DETECTIVE: This is the police.
We have you surrounded.
Come out with your hands up.
[YELLING IN BACKGROUND,
SIRENS STILL HEARD]
Release the hostages, Jimmy.
Go kid.
Release the
hostages, Jimmy! Do it now!
[GUN CLICKS]
[GUN CONTINUES CLICKING]
DETECTIVE:
No one has to die here tonight.
Come on, man.
[gun clicks]
[KABOOM]
[OMINOUS DRONE]
SOFT PIANO PLAYS
[CAR SOUNDS]
SOFT MUSIC BUILDS INTENSITY
LORRAINE:
Get out of the car.
SINISTER PIANO
[SWOOSH EFFECT]
[GOOFY SOUND EFFECTS
WITH X-FILES MUSIC]
SHERYL: Ah!
STAN: You motherfuckers, get
the hell off my property!
LORRAINE: Whoa, whoa. Are you
fucking kidding me, right now?
PETER:
Lorraine, he has an axe.
LORRAINE: Stan, Lorraine Taylor.
"Ghostly Night Watch."
Yeah, we're the TV people.
STAN: Oh, yeah.
[Laughs]
LORRAINE: Yeah.
STAN: Hi, TV people.
STAN: Oh.
LORRAINE: Hi. Hey, may I?
LORRAINE: Great.
[CUCKOO CLOCK SOUND]
SHERYL: Oh, okay. No offense, but
obviously this place is haunted.
Case closed.
PETER: Ew, wonder how
long that's been there.
SHERYL: Ew.
DANIEL: Ah!
What is it?
Ants.
PETER: What?
No, I'm terrified of ants.
Ah!
We heard screaming.
Daniel saw an ant.
Oh, well, everyone. This is
Stan. Stan bought this place
in foreclosure after the
incident. [thud] [screaming]
I told you fools it
wasn't safe to be here today.
Stan, Stan, we talked
about this. Yeah.
I am so sorry. I
forgot my manners.
This place, it just
gets me out of sorts.
It's okay.
This way. Brochures
are $2, by the way.
Okay, you two, listen. I need
you to be super convincing.
I need you get into
character, get in there and
conduct a
proper interview. You got me?
But I'm not a real
forensic detective.
I don't know
how to interview.
Yeah.
And I'm not really psychic, so-
Oh, newsflash.
You're actors, so act.
Yeah, yeah.
SCARY MUSIC
SHERYL: Oh, Jimmy. Oh,
oh, oooh, oh, oh, oh.
I can feel his
presence.Aah. Aah.
This is not
being taken seriously.
Shut the camera
off. I'm done.
LORRAINE: No, no, no. Stan, wait.
We are taking this very seriously.
Sir, tell us about the alleged
incidents that you alleged
to have happened
around the alleged property.
I'll tell you this. Buying this
house was a big mistake.
I mean,
I thought I'd make a fortune
in murder tour tickets.
But no. One bad Yelp review,
and that bus just stopped
coming. I can't even sleep
here because he won't
let me. I actually had to move
back into my mama's house.
Tell me, have
you ever seen or witnessed
this ghost of a serial killer?
I'll tell what I have seen.
Shadows that shouldn't be there
but are. Cold spots,
even in the summertime.
Lights turning off
and on and shit.
Jimmy, if you're here,
turn this light off right now.
I command thee.
DANIEL: Oh, victim Stan, what
about the horrific crime
scene in the murder room.
That's where he shot himself
exactly five years ago tonight.
I won't go near it.
He actually kept the bodies
in a closet over there.
Little Mittens
won't go near it either.
And he's the friendliest
cat you're ever gonna meet.
[THUMP]
DANIEL: Ah!
SHERYL: Ah! The cat?
That wasn't no damn cat.
Take it easy, Stan.
What?
LORRAINE: Put it down.
Y'all just don't get it, do
you? The spirit is evil!
With a capital Evil! It wants to
cross over, and mark my words,
he will do anything
to come through.
Do not underestimate
Jimmy Timmy Beck.
[WHOOSH SOUND]
PETER:
Uh, Jimmy Timmy?
Don't start. We'll just shorten
his name for dramatic effect.
SHERYL: So Jim Tim?
Oh.
Hey, Bob, it's me.
BOB (ON PHONE):
Oh, Lorraine.
I think I'm gonna buy this other
show. I was talking to Aisha-
No, no, no.
You don't buy another show.
This show is going to be
awesome, and you are going to
want this, and you are not
going to buy anything from Aisha
because she is a lying slutbag,
and I am going to deliver
something
amazing to you in a week.
BOB:
[Voice cutting out]
No. Fine, fine.
I'll have a cut to you
in 48 hours,
Bob, I promise. Bob.
[PHONE BEEPS, CALL LOST]
Two years ago I was up for an
Emmy and dating a Wahlberg.
STAN:
Do you have a check for me?
Shit, Stan, you scared me!
No. I don't have
a check for you today.
No discretionary funds.
What the hell
does that mean?
It means you're an
associate producer now.
Hmm, is that important?
Oh, yeah.
All right.
Okay.
So you just drive safe.
We'll see you
in a couple days.
Doesn't anybody
have a landline anymore?
PETER: We're lucky this
place has working plumbing.
So I thought that...
LORRAINE: So here's what we're gonna do.
I want you take this
and I want you to go measure for
cold spots like those, um, those
other ghost hunting shows do.
Yeah. Oh, if you find the guys
cat, bonus. We use it as a prop.
[BUZZ SOUND]
OMINOUS MUSIC BEGINS
[MAGNETIC BUZZING CONTINUES]
This place gives me the creeps.
[MAGNETIC BUZZING AMPLIFIES]
[MAGNETIC BUZZING CONTINUES]
[SCARY WHOOSH EFFECT]
OMINOUS MUSIC CONTINUES
[CREAKY, WINDY SOUND EFFECT]
SHERYL: I know you said
you're not that observant.
I saw that.
[CREAKY, SCARY, SOUNDS]
Ah! Lorraine!
SOFT EERIE MUSIC
[BUZZING]
DANIEL: Oh! Oh, Jesus.
SHERYL: Oh no.
SHERYL:
Oh.
Oh, sweet hay bales,
there's the closet.
Oh, number 12, Adele. Hello?
Good idea.
We should pray.
No, no, no. My acting coach told
me that I should count down my
favorite songs every time I get
nervous, so I'm on number 11.
Beyonce, "Crazy in Love."
Oh. [humming]
"Back That Azz Up" by Juvenile.
SINGING
[LOUD NOISE]
[screaming]
LORRAINE:
What's happening?
DANIEL:
Uh, uh, uh, he was here.
He was
here and we saw him.
PETER:
Who was? Mittens?
No, the ghost.
Start recording and
get in the corner, okay?
Hey, hey, follow me.
Measure for cold spots.
LORRAINE: Hey, hey,
measure for cold spots.
Use your device.
DANIEL:
As I get closer to the closet,
the temperature drops
because that is where Jimmy ate
his victims.
Right, Sheryl?
Um, the spirits are telling me
that's where they were digested.
SHERYL: Now I'm going to try and
communicate with the spirit
Jimmy Timmy Beck.
Just Jimmy.
Just Jimmy. Can you give
us a sign to show us you're
here, Jimmy? [BUZZING]
We're not asking for much.
Just a sign, a real sign.
Just dropped four degrees
cooler near the closet.
SHERYL:
Is that you, Jimmy?
[LOUD SCARY NOISE]
AH!
Maybe that was the cat.
That's a big fucking cat.
[SCREAMING]
JIMMY: Son of a bitch,
something bit me!
LORRAINE:
Cut! You're fired.
What? Because of a bug
bite? I'm calling my agent.
LORRAINE:
Go call your agent.
You're still fired. You suck.
Afraid of fucking bugs.
I think I had a minor stroke.
I think I wet myself.
DANIEL: I'm gonna have a
long-term fear of closets.
SHERYL:
Hey, what's going on here?
Did you hire an actor who looks
just like the real Jimmy Beck,
and [laughs] why was he
hiding in the closet?
I hired a look alike. So what?
edit out the last five seconds
and we have two TV hosts scared
shitless encountering the ghost
of a crazed
serial killer. Winning.
SHERYL:
But he's not really a ghost.
And you aren't really a psychic.
This is reality TV and we are
creating the reality
TV that people want.
Fuck, I have an
idea. Go get that idiot.
You two have no idea
what is on the line here.
If this works, I promise
you it is going to be life
changing for all of us. I just
need you guys to run around for
a couple hours, play
ghost hunters, look scared
around every corner, and I
promise you I'm gonna make this
worth your while. How's
a spa weekend on me sound?
Very thoughtful and sweet.
But unfortunately, I
can't accept that.
Why? Guys do
spas all the time.
Oh, it's not that. I'm just
super scared of steam.
Oh, come on! Do you
know how many red carpets
I have been to this year?
None!
I need this.
I want this. I can feel it.
And if you aren't with
me, there's the door.
Well, it's kind of far
back to town and I don't think
you'll give me a ride, so yes,
for the spa weekend, I'll do it.
Yeah. As long
as you don't scare me anymore.
I am so proud
I cast you two.
PETER: Find an actor? Find
my dick with your lips.
ACTOR: Mom, can you come get me?
I... hello?
[CROWS CAWING]
Hello. Ah! [CALL DROPS]
[CHAINSAW SOUND EFFECT]
[Screams]
PETER:
Hmm.
[mumbles] Huh.
Dude's a ghost.
DANIEL: Three bedroom,
two bath in the valley.
SHERYL: Ah, kudos on the two
full baths in case you have
a guest, you know?
LORRAINE: Oh ya. Oh, and the guy
from "One Tree Hill" is my neighor
SHERYL: Ooh.
You live next
to Jean Claude Van Damme?
Did you sleep
with him yet?
PETER:
Sleep with who?
Inappropriate, Pete.
I was just asking. Anyway, no
idea where that actor dude went.
Yeah, I'll deal with
him later. Get the camera on the
closet door, and hurry!
DANIEL: Huh!
Whoa!
Sorry, I missed it.
Story of my life.
DANIEL:
You rigged the door.
Of course. Do you think
they open on their own?
[ELECTRIC SOUND EFFECTS]
Did you rig that too?
No, I didn't.
Hey, guys. Listen to this.
DEMONIC VOICE:
This is my house.
Holy bats in the belfry.
That really happened.
There's really a ghost.
[POP]
LORRAINE:
Yeah, to being ghost hunters.
SHERYL:
Hmm, to being famous.
You know what? It is time to put
the past behind us. To all the
people that doubted me,
especially producers named Bob.
That indie role I
probably didn't get.
To my ex-girlfriend
Janet who left me in the church,
and now she's a whore.
SHERYL:
Oh, no I'm sure she's not.
No. She's a legit whore.
Yeah. She barters
her vagina for cocaine.
Oh.
Okay.
PETER: Uh, not really good at
this stuff, but, um, my dad got
cancer last year and beat it.
That's great.
Then he died in a car accident,
which sucked. It was a stormy
night, the road was
really windy, and the... the
cliff kinda jumped out at him.
Plus he was hammered. But he was
a really good drunk driver
normally. I was supposed to pick
him up but, uh, I got
sidetracked on Tinder talking to
this girl. I sent her a dick
pic, she sent me a dick pic
back, which was really...
anyway. He sent me a text right
before he disintegrated.
He said,
"Son, I want you to know...
my fucking car's on fire."
I still have the text.
Okay, then. Um,
let's get back to it.
I'd like a camera
over there. You think you can
handle that, Pete?
Yeah.
Okay.
Sure.
SOFT SPOOKY SOUNDS
[LEAVES RUSTLING]
Put a camera in all of
these trees, Pete? All the
trees? Yeah, all
the trees, Pete,
because [BIRDS CAWING] I want
you to do all this extra work.
[BIRDS CONTINUE TO CAW]
LORRAINE:
Pete, time is money.
PETER: This is for producers named
Bob that don't respect me and admire
me like Pete does,
because who gives a fuck
what Pete thinks.
Oh, this is for that role I
didn't get because I didn't blow
enough producers. Oh, this is
for my ex-girlfriend selling her
twat for crack cocaine.
I don't even like champagne.
LORRAINE: Peter!
I'm putting
up the camera.
[BIRDS CAWING]
LORRAINE:
Time is money!
Yes, ma'am.
[BIRDS CAWING]
SHERYL: You ever get the
feeling we're being watched?
LORRAINE: Stop complaining about stalkers.
At my age you're gonna
want someone to follow you
home and watch you undress.
No. I mean, like, right now.
What?
[TORTURED SCREAMING]
Ah!
What was that?
What the hell?
What is that?
PETER: Hey, guys.
[SCREAMING]
Found some beef jerky.
Can you stop screwing
around and go get your camera?
Okay. Time to check out the room
we're calling the death chamber.
[DISTANT HOWLING]
LORRAINE: Okay. So you guys
remember what we rehearsed?
Good, good. Pete,
are you rolling? And action.
SHERYL: We're here on the
Beck property, haunted site
of numerous grisly murders. As
you can see, it's very dark and
I can feel
that evil is present.
DANIEL: The killer buried
lots of bodies around
this here Beck property. My
partner will use her psychic
powers. I will use my forensic
science expertise. We will
locate and conquer
this paranormal activity
that we detect.
Now,
the spirit has already shown
some displeasure
with us being here,
so we have
to be very careful.
Okay. No one's gonna jump
out of here though, right?
LORRAINE: No.
SHERYL: No. We'll be fine.
[DOOR CREAKS]
[CRICKET SOUNDS]
[FLY BUZZING]
[HEAVY DOOR SLAM]
PARANORMAL MUSIC
SHERYL: Hmm.
DANIEL: Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.
There seems to be a red
paint-like substance on the
- Hmm.
- floor here.
[BLOOD DRIP SOUNDS]
SHERYL:
Ah. Yes, I think that's blood.
Oh.
[FLY BUZZING] Ah, hmm.
Oh.
[BLOOD DRIPS AND FLY
BUZZING CONTINUE]
Hmm, well, that's strange.
Hmm.
[SCREAMING]
[GUSHY BLOOD DRIPS]
[SCREAMS CONTINUE AND FADE]
Ew, ew, ew.
PETER: [laughing]
We found the cat.
Shut up.
God, my top. Oh, I've
got cat blood on me.
I can't get blood
exposure from this, can I?
Like, cat hepatitis?
- Awesome.
- How did it look?
- Yeah.
- Swear?
Mm, Let me see it.
Blood, boobs, money shot.
Oh, my God.
Was this you, Lorraine?
Me?
Yeah. You wanted
the cat as a prop.
Judge Judy would
call that a motive, man.
Okay. I donate to PETA, and
I am deathly allergic of cats.
Hey, who turned
the house lights off?
[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]
DANIEL: Uh, um-
LORRAINE: Let's get in there.
Our psychic is
gonna call out that ghost.
Wait, what? How
am I gonna do that?
Positive energy. Let's do this.
Uh, you should
really clean that shirt up.
[whining]
I bet you blood on
boobs attracts ghosts.
LORRAINE:
Inappropriate, Pete!
Sorry!
[GOAT SOUNDS EFFECTS]
[CRICKETS]
SHERYL: Oh, I can't wait
to get this blood off.
LORRAINE: Whoa.
SHERYL: Oh, God.
I don't remember my
20s being so perky.
PETER: Got you some flashlights.
Holy tits!
- Sorry. I was just, uh-
- Inappropriate, Pete.
Here's some extra batteries.
- Pete!
- That's a really nice rack.
[CRICKETS]
Hey!
Somebody's been in here.
That door was open when we left.
Don't you bullshit me, Pete.
[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]
DANIEL: Okay. This can't be good.
We should go back outside.
LORRAINE:
No, this is great. Keep rolling.
[DOOR CREAKING]
At least my timer still works.
Your timer's not there.
LORRAINE: Oh.
SHERYL:
Something's fishy here.
Like with the house.
I don't trust her.
Pete, you need to tell
us what she's up to.
Me? How would I know?
Look, even if it is her, she's
never gone this far before.
Don't make me do it.
What, are you guys like five?
[SQUEAK AND DOOR SLAM]
Actor guy?
LORRAINE:
Who's in there?
Keep rolling. We're going in.
I'm not going in there.
Don't you pull the
diva card with me, young lady.
When I found you, you were Drunk
Sorority Chick Number 3 on an
episode of "Scream Queens."
For the record,
I was Drunk Girl Number 2.
Whatever.
You were on "Scream Queens"?
Get in there now.
[HOWLING AND CRICKE SOUNDS INTENSIFY]
SOFT SPOOKY AMBIENCE
SHERYL:
Hello? Jimmy?
Was that you we heard?
If this was a horror film,
a cat would jump out right now.
Pretty sure the cat's
jumping days are over.
That's a good point,
Pete. Poor little Mittens.
Jimmy, if that was you,
can you do that again?
[BUZZING SOUND]
DANIEL:
70 degrees even.
Uh, uh. [sigh]
[ATMOSPHERIC SOUNDS BUILD]
[DOOR CREAKING]
GOOFY INSPECTOR MUSIC
DANIEL:
Still 70 degrees.
[CAR HORN HONKING]
[BUZZING]
LORRAINE:
Son of a bitch.
[MACHINE BEEPS,
CAR HONKING]
DANIEL:
It just went up a degree.
[HONKING CONTINUES]
LORRAINE: What the fuck... [gasps].
Holy fucking shit - Are you -
[muffled screams]
[CAR HONKING CONTINUES]
[LIGHT SWTICH SOUND EFFECT]
DANIEL: Pete, you got
anymore batteries.
SHERYL: Yeah. He's got
a lot of batteries.
PETER:
Um, yeah. They're Cs.
DANIEL: Oh.
SHERYL: Oh, God.
What do-these take Ds?
I prefer Double Ds.
I can't believe I'm in
the middle of this.
I can't believe I'm in
the middle of this either.
I want to go home.
PETER: It's gonna be okay, buddy.
It's gonna be okay.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
See?
Anything?
[MACHINE STARTS BEEPING]
Instant temperature drop.
Back in business.
[RELIEVED SIGH]
Uh, actually...
Oh. I think we just
debunked our cold spots.
[MACHINE BEEPING]
Where's Lorraine.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
Looks like there's our answer.
Debunked our light problem.
It's our producer, Lorraine.
That's two for two.
Come on out, Lorraine.
I don't think this is Lorraine.
My inner voice is telling
me this is definitely her.
You know what we should do?
Call Judge Judy right now.
No. We should scare her.
I don't think that's
possible. One time
I saw her get
bit by a rattlesnake.
She sucked out the poison,
killed the snake, and then made
me a belt. She's like
Chuck Norris, just way sexier.
Okay. Well, look. If she wants
to mess around with dead cats
and all this sick shit, I say
we give it right back to her.
Like the Ten
Commandments. When people do
stuff to you, you gotta
do stuff back to people.
Exactly. If she wants to
keep scaring us, guess what?
Two people
can play at that game.
DANIEL: Maybe we should
hide or something.
PETER: I'm not hiding.
I'm a grownup.
SHERYL: She's hiding and she's
got a three-bedroom house in the
valley.
PETER: Had a house.
What?
She had a House. She sold
it to pay for this show.
Now she lives above a
methadone clinic a mile from
me in Van Nuys
Oh, she's such a liar.
She's a Class A
sinner, that one.
Oh, she's got a good heart
and she's just, uh...
buries it deep,
really, really deep.
SHERYL: Mm, you so
have a crush on her.
Oh, no. [laughs]
No, I...
SHERYL: Whatever. She's just using you.
I think she likes chicks.
No, she doesn't!
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
DANIEL: Can we please just
find her and prove that she
is behind all of this? Because
if not, I am going to be
convinced that there
is a ghost under my bed
the rest of my life.
Okay. We'll be those
meddling kids from "Dukes
of Hazzard." You can be Bo, you
can be Luke, and I'll be Daisy.
PETER: Uh, meddling kids was
"Scooby Doo," and that was Daphne.
DANIEL: Yeah. I don't want to be
the racist people from that show
that got canceled
for being racist.
They weren't racist.
Says the white guy.
I'm half Portuguese.
Okay. So is she
Daphne or is she Daisy?
I'm so confused.
Can we just find the fuse box?
Yes. Maybe in there.
LORRAINE: [muffled screams] Hey!
Hey! [screaming]
GOOFY INSPECTOR MUSIC
SHERYL:
I bet it's in the garage.
DANIEL: More blood.
SHERYL: Ooh.
[BLOOD DRIP SOUNDS] DANIEL:
That is blood, right, Pete?
PETER: Oh, yeah.
Oh, Lorraine. I just got
over the last dead animal.
I'm not going in there,
guys. You don't understand.
I have an extreme
phobia of being murdered.
That's not a phobia. Everybody's
afraid of being murdered.
Well, I don't care. I'm
gonna go outside and
wait for Lorraine.
[ROPE TIGHTENING SOUND EFFECT]
EMMETT: [Sniffing] Mm.
Nice boots.
LORRAINE: [Muffled] Thank you.
[SPOOKY AMBIENCE ]
[CRICKETS]
SHERYL: Get the champagne, Pete.
Wait a second.
DANIEL: What?
Look.
[SPOOKY AMBIENCE INTENSIFIES]
This car is a 2012. You can tell
right by the steering wheel.
She always told
me it was brand new.
Huh. Time to drink.
[CRICKETS]
[MUFFLED SCREAMS]
[CLATTERING TOOLS]
EMMETT: Sea salt filtered
through holy water, blessed by
a Catholic Bishop.
One spirit-detecting candle made
by a Native American shaman.
I'm sorry, but today
being the very anniversary of
Jimmy's suicide, it's the
only day that I can do this...
[MUFFLED]
Do what?
Gut that son of a bitch
who murdered my
brother when I was in prison.
[Muffled] I don't
follow you. I really don't ...ah.
Jimmy Timmy Beck. I can
barely say that asshole's name.
It's easier if
you drop the Timmy.
[ELECTRIC STATIC]
You know I'm here for
you, Jimmy. You see, I was doing
a bid in McDougal for armed
robbery when he snatched my
brother like he did the others.
He brought him here to this very
place and he did things to him.
PETER: I used to love the bacon
cheeseburgers at Sully's.
They're delicious.
They come with these fries,
baked beans, and coleslaw.
Then they went out of business
so I started going to Twain's.
They had this
amazing French dip.
The portions
were kinda small,
but it was worth
it for the price.
EMMETT: You know, in this
light you look just like him.
Are you kidding me?
Yeah.
Unh-unh. Unh-unh. Unh-unh.
Ugh.
PETER: Got used to going there
and then, of course, they went
out of business too. So I
started going to, uh, Du-Par's.
They had a really good,
uh, beet salad that I liked.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
SHERYL:
How sad is that?
She's still at it.
Wait a minute. Look at that.
DANIEL:
Who's that guy?
I don't know.
Maybe that asshole Bob from
the network she's
always talking about.
He's probably in there
commending her on her
work ethic. Man, she's got a
real commitment to this show.
Wait. But if she's in there,
who's messing with the fuse box?
EMMETT: Tonight, Jimmy Beck's
soul has the power to cross over
into another living body at the
exact moment of his death five
years ago
today at precisely 6:66 p.m.
That's 7:06, you fucktard.
And with the
proper incantation, his body can
enter our realm for exactly one
hour. How do I know this, do you
ask? Well, I happen to meet a
French Quarter voodoo priest
online who gave me the exact
invocation for this very ritual
here. Yeah. Uh, I am totally
rocking this whole spiritual
diversity thing. Some of
this shit's gotta work, right?
SHERYL:
What about the blood?
PETER: We gotta find out what's
controlling these lights?
At this point,
I don't care if that blood's
from a
dismembered Labradoodle.
DANIEL:
What's a Labradoodle?
It's like when a
Labrador mates a Poodle,
or a Poodle
mates a Labrador.
SHERYL:
Mm-hmm.
I can't remember
who has to be on top.
EMMETT:
You know this
whole abbreviated serial killer
thing has not been easy on me,
you know? Uh, I'm a nice guy,
but I had to walk in his shoes
to get in the right frame of
mind. First, I did the cat. I
fucking hate cats. Second,
I did that whiny little actor
friend of yours. Uh, third,
I fucking raped
the shit out of his goat.
Oh, fuck me. And
last, last but not least,
I'm gonna be killing you.
LORRAINE:
Me?
Yeah. Uh, you see
um, I want his spirit to
enter a living body so I can
torment him like he did my
brother. Yeah. I'm gonna slice
him. I'm gonna slice him from
his throat all the way down to
his taint. I am gonna watch the
life leave his eyes just like he
did my brother.
He didn't deserve what he got.
He wasn't
even a tranny.
You lost me.
Jimmy Timmy Beck
only killed transvestite midget
circus clowns.
You did not know this?
I'm shocked. Yeah.
The fucking papers kept it quiet
because they didn't want to
discourage the fucking precious
carnival from coming in every
year, but, you know, still. I
don't know why he picked my
brother. He wasn't even a midget
or a fucking clown
for that matter.
Okay. Let me get
this straight for one second.
You're gonna get a
murderer's spirit to enter my
body for one hour;
is that correct?
Yeah,
that's correct.
Okay. And then you're
gonna kill me, but you actually
think that you're killing the
murderer's spirit that is in
my body; am I correct again?
Correct.
Okay. So
listen to me. Why wouldn't you
have used, I don't know, let's
say maybe the actor who looked
exactly like the
murderer's spirit?
I'm not having sex with a guy.
What the fuck? You
didn't say anything about sex.
Is this supposed to before or
after you're gonna kill me?
Correct.
What? Oh, no. This has to
be some sick fucking joke.
Shh.
[MUFFLED SCREAMS]
PETER: Well, I guess that
rules out a Labradoodle.
[DOOR CREAKS METAL CRASH]
[SCREAMING]
Revenge is hard to explain,
it really is, okay?
It will be him,
but it will be you, you know I
mean, I have spent the last six
years in a men's prison, and...
and, and a woman with all of her
working lady parts, it'll be a
nice change for me.
I'm looking forward to it.
[MUFFLED]
You fucking psychopath.
His body cannot enter
this circle here. I will be
protected, and you on the other
side, you're gonna die. Okay.
Uh, this is Viagra for my penis.
[ELECTRICAL FORCE FIELD]
That's the worst
bug bite I've ever seen.
SHERYL:
Mm-hmm.
Poor little actor guy.
Is he really, you know?
Dead? Either that or he's
a really good actor.
Check his pulse.
[DARK DREARY CHIMES]
I don't
feel anything.
That's not where
his pulse is. It's over here.
Or maybe over here.
Find it?
This dude is dead.
[GURGLING AND SCREAM]
DANIEL: Hmm.
Maybe now he's dead.
LORRAINE:
[Screaming]
EMMETT:
[LAUGHING]
Uh...
Shit. Lorraine might
really be in trouble in there.
Then we should run away, guys.
We should run far away
right now. And get help.
Come on, Pete.
EMMETT:
Come for me, Jimmy Timmy.
Come for me, Jimmy Timmy Beck.
Enter this physical
vessel which I have
provided for you.
Welcome.
[DOOR RATTLES OPEN]
Whoo! Aah!
Beat me with a broom stick.
You have ruined my circle.
SHERYL:
Get away.
Unh-unh.
Oh. Oh, hey
Pete, could you, like, man up
here and do something, please?
Shit.
Technically that was something.
He's like a ninja.
You have ruined my fucking
ritual. The spirit needs a body.
SHERYL:
[SCREAMING]
DANIEL: [SCREAMING]
Oh, hey, we gotta go. We
gotta get to the car. Hurry up.
No, no, no. The car doesn't
work. He ripped...
he ripped the wires out.
SHERYL:
What the hell is going on?
We have to get out now.
You're kind
of dodging the question.
No, I'm dodging him!
Get over here! Ah!
[SCREAMING]
DANIEL:
Ah, ah, ah, sir, sir.
Seriously, man,
just take a pill.
No, no! No
more pills. No more pills.
Which one of you pieces of
shit murdered my brother? Hmm?
None of us!
None of us, sir. We don't know
what you're talking about.
LORRAINE:
Jimmy Beck. He's trying
to raise the spirit for an hour
of sadomasochism and mutilation.
I want revenge on that
motherfucker for what he did to
my brother Dale. He doesn't seem
to be in any one of you though.
Well, you don't see us lining
up for Ringling Brothers Circus,
do you?
What?
LORRAINE: Oh, yeah. Jimmy's
victims were all cross-dressing
circus clowns under 5'7".
He killed poor little munchkins.
His spirit
is out. I can feel it.
But why didn't it
enter a body, hmm?
Sir, sir, we
don't know, okay?
Back. Hey, hey, do me a favor.
Just... just put down the knife.
Give... give Pete the knife.
Actually
Sheryl's closer.
Hand Pete the knife. Hand Pete
the knife. Hand Pete the knife.
Yeah.
Hand Pete the knife.
Yeah. Aah!
The body, it has
no choice but to enter
another one for one hour.
[EVIL LAUGH]
It's not supposed to go. Fucking
Jimmy Timmy! Just...
[ELECTRIC MELTDOWN SOUND]
What the fuck are you doing?
Get back! Stay back! Stay back!
Fuck why didn't it work?
Oh, Shit! Maybe I
got this all wrong.
Maybe I got it all wrong.
[EVIL LAUGHTER]
I've done everything! I was
waiting a year for this shit!
Maybe the spirit can't
cross over into a living body.
Maybe it's gotta
be fucking dead.
[HARD IMPACT PERCUSSION HIT]
EMMET: Oh, fuck...
Oh, I have been
waiting for this!
[GHASTLY SCREAMS]
[SHATTER SOUNDS]
Run! Hey, Mr. Dead
Guy! Hey, hey, hey,
Mr. Dead Guy! Get his knife!
Get his knife! Ahh!
JIMMY:
I'm the one who does the gutting
around here, Emmett. And I'm
gonna do you just like I did
your whiny little brother
while he begged and begged,
Just the tip,
Jimmy. Just the tip.
[GROANS]
[KNIFE STRIKE]
Oh, well, that
was a bit extreme.
[GROANING]
What's with the whole
last dying breath thing?
Ah!
[SHOCK SCREAM]
Who's next? You?
Me?
But you look like
the "cut my cock off and
grow a pair of tits type.
N... No, I don't.
Yeah, you do. You've got enough
whore makeup on to be a clown.
Hah, I just use
a little bronzer, that's it.
Hmm. And you're
just a lying little bitch.
LORRAINE: Touch.
JIMMY: Heh.
[SCREAMING]
LORRAINE: It isn't going to start!
Keep going!
DANIEL: In hindsight, this
probably wasn't a great idea.
SHERYL: Ugh, Taking this gig?
Tell me about it.
God dammit, we're off the grid.
Can't even check Facebook.
Do you remember
how far we are from town?
Like, what
five miles? I don't remember.
(Laughing) We are not going out
there. Hello? Stranger danger.
That's a good point.
Probably a lot more
dangerous out there than
in here with a possessed killer.
The devil you know, right?
Hey, maybe he
can't leave the house.
[DISTANT DOOR SLAM]
[CRUNCHING OF LEAVES]
These boots weren't
meant for running, Pete.
Okay. I think
I have an idea.
PETER: Okay.
LORRAINE: So the evil spirit in that
dead body has an hour time limit,
so the clock is ticking.
I kind of missed
the whole origin story.
Just listen. All we have to do
is hunker down and wait it out.
That makes sense. Actually,
none of that makes sense.
Okay. So here's the plan. I'm
gonna go hide in the dead cat
shed over there and
you're gonna go get the camera.
phew, no. no. no, that... what?
Someone's gotta film this, Pete.
I mean, this is like the "Blair
Witch Project" times twenty.
I mean, think about the money
and the job security, Pete.
I'm thinking about not
getting raped in the
ass and murdered by
that thing back there.
I mean, we could probably
get another job somewhere.
I don't see him. Maybe he
followed Lorraine and Pete.
[LOUD CRASH OF TWISTED METAL]
[EXHALES] I held my breath
for a full minute that time.
Whew. That is not
bad for someone with asthma.
Oh, God, I don't believe this.
Huh, What?
Ugh, I just had a thought.
Lorraine said she'd give me
that free spa weekend, right?
DANIEL:
Mm-hmm.
But this new situation, does it
change that? I mean, what
what if something happens to
her? Do I still get the weekend?
It was a verbal agreement.
Hmm, great. So I'm
gonna get screwed.
She better live,
that's all I have to say.
No. No, no, no, no.
Judge Judy would say that
it's legally binding. She...
she'd rule in your
favor on that one.
[BRANCHES SNAPPING
AND A DEEP GASP]
Please tell me that was you.
Unh-unh.
[SCREAMING]
[GOATS BLEATING]
LORRAINE:
Hold still.
PETER:
I am holding still.
[GOATS BLEATING]
The goat's over there.
I don't want him to attack us.
Why would the goat attack us?
Wouldn't you be pissed off if
you were fucked in the ass by
a crazy psycho killer?
[GOATS BLEATING]
I ain't afraid of
no goats. Let's go.
[CHIMES AND MARIMBA]
I think we lost him.
Okay. What do we know about
this Jimmy Beck ghost guy?
He was probably
bullied a lot as a child,
maybe even some
as a ghost. I don't know.
I bet no one
went to his funeral
and that hurt
his feelings and... and
caused him to become even
more of a sicko freakish
psychotic killing machine.
No. I mean, why
would he want to hurt us?
We're not
his style. Think about it.
His issues are
tranny clown midgets.
You have to say
transgender little people.
Do you think Daniel
and Sheryl are ok?
Ah, the universe
protects idiots, Pete.
I would've cast the girl from
the condom commercial,
but she didn't
fucking call me back.
Uh, Lor... Lorraine?
I could get a
film deal from this.
Even better, I could
get a book deal from this.
I mean, this could probably
put me back on the map.
Lorraine?
What?
Where's the cat?
[DEAD MOANING CAT]
[TORTURED CAT]
Listen to me. We're
not his demographic.
You're right.
That's profiling 101.
I should've known that.
Mm.
This guy's breaking all
the serial killer rules, Sheryl.
Do you want to stick
around and tell him, Daniel?
Ahh!
Oh, ahh.
Okay, girl. Get it together.
You can do this.
You take pilates twice a week.
You are Lorraine Taylor.
You're gonna have a
major book deal from this.
[PETRIFIED CAT MEOWING]
Peter?
[PETRIFIED CAT MEOWING]
Huh!, Fucking zombie cat.
[PETRIFIED CAT SCREECHING]
This is why I'm a dog person.
[PETRIFIED CAT SCREECHING]
Hey! Ow!
Oh, Peter, thank God.
I didn't know where you were.
You were worried about me?
You have the flashlight.
I think I lost an earring.
Of course.
Thank you.
Where's
Lorraine?
God!
Oh!
Thank God!
Ah!
Hey! Oh, it's me.
Okay. Okay.
Hey, that label said
"Willard," not "Prada."
So?
The boots are knock offs?
So what?
Judge Judy would call
that copyright infringement.
Well, fuck Judge Judy and fuck
you too, Daniel. And you know
what? Fuck you, fuck you, and
fuck this fucking ghost. I don't
need approval from any of
you people. Do you think you're
always gonna be in your 20s? Let
me tell you a little story about
me when I was 20.
Not the youth
squandered speech again.
We get it. You've had
to compromise. You've made
mistakes, which leads us to your
biggest one, the lookalike actor
you hired who now has a crazed
ghost killer inside of him and
is currently chasing after us
with a knife trying to kill us.
So we're going to suck it up and
go hide in the dead cat shed.
By the way, the
cat's not dead.
Little Mittens
is alive and well?
Not really.
Yeah, he's undead,
like Jimmy. Hell,
everything around here seems
susceptible to being raised from
the dead after whatever black
magic that douchebag screwed up.
But if everything
can be raised...
That means not only the cat,
but those midget
clowns he killed too.
[LIGHT CHIMES WITH GIGGLING]
Still, Why would
they want to hurt us?
Yeah.
They... we didn't
do anything to them.
Ow!
[LAUGHTER OF MIDGETS]
Is anything here rational?
Ow!
Hey
Hey, you cocksucking clowns,
stop throwing rocks right now!
Ow! Oww!!
[MIDGET LAUGHTER]
Jesus!
[LAUGHTER]
I so hate this house.
[MIDGET DEMON LAUGHTER]
[SCARY DARK SOUND]
[MONSTER GROWL]
[WOODEN DOOR CREAKS]
[DOOR SLAMMING SOUND]
[DARK, SCARY
CRESCENDO OF STRINGS]
[TROMBONE SQUELCH]
[CANDY BAR THUD]
[BLOOD TRICKLING SOUND]
Leaking all
over my damn house.
[EXHALING]
I held my breath another minute.
It seems to be my ceiling.
Number 10, Wilson Phillips,
"Hold On."
Number nine, Kelly Clarkson,
"Since You Been Gone."
Shh.
I'm sorry. I'm just really
nervous, and I have to pee.
I really do.
So do I. We
should've hit the bathroom.
I know. There's three
of them in here and we can't use
any of them right now.
One of my worst fears actually.
[CACOPHONY OF SOUNDS]
[WOOD DOOR CREAK]
[CRESCENDO OF STRINGS]
[DOOR RATTLES THEN THUD]
Do you think he left?
Yeah.
[CLASSICAL ROMANTIC MUSIC]
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING]
Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater, had
a girl but couldn't keep her.
[FOOT CLATTER]
[BONE SMASHING HIT]
We're not like those pussies
on those other ghost shows.
Yeah. That's right. That's for
my ex-girlfriend, the whore,
her pimp, and cock and balls.
Oh, yeah. Kill
that dead motherfucker.
[BONE SOUND]
Now, that's an exorcism.
Ew, you got brains on your top.
Ew.
Shit, Lorraine. Lorraine,
stay with me. We beat Beck,
you hear me? Okay. We won.
You... you got it on film?
Yeah, we sure did.
Inappropriate, Pete.
Pete?
Yeah.
Is she...
Wait for it.
[SCREAMING]
Yeah, now, she's dead.
You sure? She
tends to lie a lot, Pete.
There goes my spa weekend.
You gonna be okay?
Yeah.
You think you could
put the toilet seat down for me,
because I really have to go.
Let's talk about this
whole possession thing.
So the spirit
doesn't go into the living,
it goes into the dead
for an hour. And then when you
smash the dead dude's head,
it leaves the body?
[TOILET FLUSHES]
Yeah, but then where does it go?
Because he's still got another
20 minutes left in this world
according to my watch.
Your turn.
Pardon me. [SCREAMING]
Ow!
Oh, my God,
I'm so sorry, Lorraine.
Inappropriate, Pete.
Oh, you asshole! We
were gonna have babies!
Lots and lots of babies.
Okay. Okay. It's done. Alright.
Okay. Okay. Okay. It's done.
She's right. She's
right, it's done. It's done.
Sheryl's right.
It's done, buddy.
Damn, it's more
blood and her hair.
I hope those aren't pubes. Ugh!
Okay. Okay.
He's gone. He's gone. He's gone.
Jimmy's gotta be gone. Jimmy...
Jimmy... Timmy is gone, right?
Right? There's no more. There's
no more freshly killed people.
There's no more freshly killed
people. That's it. That's it. We
just gotta walk back to town.
Are you sure about that?
EMMETT:
I'm back.
The fuck.
SHERYL:
Split up.
[DARK DREARY SYNTH]
I wish I had a weapon or a
really big cup of holy water.
Oh hold on a second. We've
been going about this all wrong.
We can't fight
the spirit and win.
Yeah. Because we don't have a
giant cup of holy water, I know.
No. We need the supernatural
to fight the supernatural.
Yes. Yes. Like King
Kong or Godzilla, exactly.
Or all those ghost clowns
he killed whose souls are out
there. I've read enough scripts
to know what their souls need is
redemption. I'm gonna get them
to fight for us.
There's gotta be like, what,
12 of them, maybe more?
And don't
forget about that cat.
Right. And the cat. They
all must hate him for what he
did to them. Hmm.
They're gonna take our side.
[GHASTLY GROANS AND MOANS]
Ghost clowns?
Ghostly alternative life style
midget clowns?
I read somewhere that we only use
like 10 percent of our brain? Which
means that we actually have all
this psychic ability stored up
in like the other 70 percent.
All I have to do is believe.
Come to me little people of the
night and assist us in the fight
against the very spirit
that put you in the ground.
[MIDGET LAUGHTER
AND CIRCUS MUSIC]]
You did it,
Sheryl, you're psychic.
You really... you did it!
Never underestimate
the power of positive energy.
[MIDGET LAUGHTER]
[MIDGET MUCUS SPLATTER
FOLLOWED BY LAUGHTER]
Oh. Oh.
Oh, my God. What is it? What
is it? Ghost midget ectoplasm?
[LAUGHTER]
Bad clowns,
very, very bad.
[LAUGHTER]
CLOWNS:
Boobies!
Shhh... We don't want
the crazy killer outside
the door to hear us.
[FOOTSTEPS IN THE HALLWAY]
[DOOR RATTLE]
EMMETT: Who's gonna be first?
The pussy camera guy?
PETER:
Shit!
If clowns burst
through that door right now...
Shhhh...
[WOODEN DOOR CREAKS]
I'm sorry. I'm just
really fucking terrified.
Do your countdown thing.
Do your countdown thing, okay?
Okay.
I'll be right back.
You're leaving me?
I have to
pee really bad.
Still?
I kinda got interrupted before.
Oh.
Just promise me you'll stay
right here, okay? No matter
what, you stay right here. Just
stay right here and I promise
I'll be back.
Okay.
[floor creaks]
Number six, Mariah Carey
"Vision of Love."
[OMINOUS SOUNDS]
[Screaming]
OW!
[GRUNTING]
Ow! Get off my titty!
Number five, Taylor Swift,
"Shake it Off."
Shake it off.
[Screaming]
Number four,
Lady Gaga, "Bad Romance."
I'm gonna fuck
your face.
[PUNCH SOUNDS]
[GRUNTING]
[HEAVY BREATHING]
[CRICKETS]
[FLOOR CREAKS]
[OMINOUS AMBIENCE]
SHERYL:
Oh, God. Oh, my, God, Daniel.
Oh, God, Daniel. I'm so sorry.
You told me to stay.
You made me promise.
[CAR SOUNDS OUTSIDE]
[WOODEN RATTLING]
[SPOOKY PARANORMAL SOUNDS]
Fuck these spirits.
Oh, I'm gonna avenge you.
I'm gonna burn this place to the
ground. The world will know
about the sacrifices you made
here. Oh, they will.
Yes, they will. Yes, they will.
[gasping]
[exhales]
I held my breath for way over
a minute that time, Sheryl.
Way over a minute.
EMMETT:
I am going to shoehorn your
asshole wide open, motherfucker.
[GRUNTING AND SCREAMING]
Get off me!
[CUCKOO CLOCK GOES OFF]
PETER:
Wait!
[knocking]
It's me, Pete.
We can't risk it.
Open the door!
[WIND WHISTLES]
This is karma for
not picking up your dad.
PETER:
What?
Open the door, please. Open the
door. Please open the door.
Please open the door.
[SCREAMING]
[KNOCKING]
Hey. Just, uh, just...- Hey.
A hallucination.
Asshole. Fuck you.
[SCREAMING]
[THUMP]
[HYSTERICAL SCREAMING]
He did just buy us some time.
[Gagging sounds]
What the fuck
are you doing, pervert?
Oh, wait.
We can't leave him.
DANIEL:
What? You just locked him out.
I know, I panicked.
PETER: What are you doing
with my nipple? Ah!
Get off our cameraman!
DANIEL: You want to grab tits, asshole?
Grab this.
Oh, shit.
EMMETT:
Stronger reflexes in this body.
DANIEL:
Oh, shit!
EMMETT: No one leaves.
SHERYL: Hang on.
DANIEL: Hurry! Hurry!
[Screaming]
DANIEL: Oh, get in! Get in, Pete!
Get in!
SHERYL: Oh, no,
you're messing it up!
PETER:
I'm sorry!
Pete, you gotta
get in the circle.
Ah!
DANIEL:
Get in the circle.
PETER:
You think I don't want to?
[SCREAMING]
[RELIEVED LAUGHTER]
SHERYL: Oh my god. I think it worked.
He can't get in.
DANIEL: Yeah, you can't
get in, dickhead.
[Screaming]
SHERYL: We're safe inside the circle.
We just have to wait it out.
How long?
Two minutes.
SHERYL:
What's he doing?
DANIEL: I don't know. Sheryl?
Sheryl? Sheryl?
I don't know.
Sheryl? Sheryl?
Sheryl? Sheryl?
[Screaming]
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Ah! Ah! Ah!
He's in.
But not the spirit. See?
DANIEL: He messed up. He messed up.
Yeah, he's messed up.
There's no more dead
bodies for him to slide into.
[LAUGHING]
PETER: Quit fooling around dickhead.
Your titty twisting days are
done.
[FOOTSTEPS]
[DOOR RATTLING]
Oh, God.
Who's that?
[GASPING AS DOOR CREAKS OPEN]
I didn't get paid.
PETER:
Where did you come from?
I came in a few minutes
ago to check up on y'all.
Had some chest pains.
DANIEL: Victim Stan, we don't
have a ride back to town, sir.
Would you mind giving us a lift?
Hmm. Not at all.
Yeah. And also, there might have
been a few unexplained deaths on
and about the premises.
Oh. You don't say.
Maybe we can get
the murder tours going again.
Yeah, maybe.
If it works out
in your favor, why not, sir?
And Stan, about
your cat, sir, um-
How do I put it?
PETER:
Pretty dead.
DANIEL:
Yeah.
SHERYL:
Yeah.
Sorry.
And it's such a shame about
Fluffy because he was such
a kind, warm-spirited kitten.
Yeah.
Fluffy, yeah.
Damn fine kitty.
How are we gonna explain
this to the police?
You don't intend on
letting us get to the police,
do you, Jimmy?
[maniacal laughing]
What gave me away?
The kitten's name
was Mittens, not Fluffy.
And, uh, Stan
really loved his pussy.
Let me tell you a little
story about your friend, Stan.
When saw his dead little pussy,
he had himself a heart attack
Fell out right there.
I saw an in,
and I took it.
You two would make
really good investigators in
real life. Just saying.
STAN:
Shut up!
It's time to pick
up where I-
[GUN CLICKS]
left off.
Get your asses
outside! Now!
I said, move. Look tits.
Get outside.
Get out there! Turn around.
Keep it moving. Don't
look at me! Follow him.
Hands on his shoulders.
Get in line.
[CRICKETS]
SHERYL:
Ahh!
PETE: Okay. Okay, okay, okay.
STAN: Get over there.
STAN:
What's the matter?
EVIL MUSIC
[MUMBLING]
PETER: Unh-unh. Unh-unh. Unh-unh.
Unh-unh. Unh-unh.
STAN: Get your asses
down those stairs.
I said now! Get!
Are you sure...
STAN: Down!
DANIEL: Okay.
PARANORMAL X-FILES MUSIC
Maybe we should settle this
over a game of flashlight tag.
SHERYL: Oh, yeah. I used to love that game.
Didn't you, Pete?
This isn't really
the time to reminisce.
Pete, wouldn't
you like to play a game of
flashlight tag with
him? With your flashlight?
Right now.
Yes. I would
love to play flashlight tag,
as long as I'm not it. Ah!
SHERYL:
Those damn energy drinks.
Move.
Oh!
Move.
SHERYL: Wasn't there a time
limit to being in this world?
STAN: You botched the ritual earlier.
There are no time
restraints anymore.
DANIEL:
Where you taking us, Jimmy?
STAN:
To where I bury the bodies.
[EERIE WINDY AMBIENCE]
SHERYL: You want us to see
for ourselves, don't you?
You're wracked with guilt,
and if you take us to the spot,
you'll feel some
sense of closure, right?
There is no motive
other than I intend
to cut your eyes out
and slice out your tongue.
Can't you just shoot
just like you did Pete?
Don't worry, I'll be
entering him soon enough.
DANIEL: Uh, for the
record, that means, uh...
STAN:
Turn around.
On your knees.
[laughing]
I got an idea.
Let's start with your mouth
first because it's so pretty.
Um, are you
thinking the knife or the gun?
Because I have a severe
phobia to both of those.
I can't let evil win. I can't
let evil win. I have to believe.
I have to believe. I do believe.
I really don't like
anything in my mouth.
I command all
you restless spirits to come to
the aid of me and my friend.
Come to us now and protect us
against this demon-infested
fiend. [GUST OF WIND]
STAN:
What are you doing?
It's working, Sheryl. It's
working. You're talking to
the dead. Keep going.
That's enough out of you!
SHERYL: Come to us now. Come
and take away the evil that
has taken your souls
and wants to take more.
[GUST OF WIND]
Ah!
[CROWS GAWKING]
Get away.
Come now. It is time for your
redemption. It is time for you
to take your revenge.
[FAINT LAUGHTER]
No! No! Ah!
NO! OH! OH!
[INTENSIFIED LAUGHTER]
[ZAP]
DANIEL:
Holy shit!
Holy shit,
Sheryl, you did it!
You did it!
SHERYL:
Oh, oh, my God.
That's the power
of positive energy.
Let's figure out how
to get the hell out of here.
SHERYL: Oh, Stan's car!
Maybe there's keys in it.
PETER: Hey! You guys
were gonna leave me?
SHERYL:
Our bad.
Shotgun.
My camera.
Hey, I gotta get
my camera. Hey, don't leave me!
I'm fucking serious. Don't
fucking Leave me here.
[DRAMATIC SOUND EFFECT]
Go! Go!
So what happened?
Oh, Sheryl was great. She was
great. She used her psychic
powers and she
summoned the supernatural.
What?
Let's just say we had a
little help from the other side.
Lorraine was there for us.
What, really?
Oh, wow.
How did she look?
Inappropriate, Pete.
What, I'm... I'm... I'm
sorry, okay? I liked her.
There, I said it.
I know.
Uh, weren't the house
lights on a second ago?
SUSPICIOUS MUSIC
You always have to
notice everything, Pete.
Yeah. Can you just stop
recording for like a minute just
so we can, you know,
get out of here?
Yeah.
PETER:
Uh, not yet. Look.
DANIEL:
Oh, what the hell?
[ENGINE REVVING]
[BRAKES SQUEAL]
DANIEL:
Hell yes. Hell yes!
Yeah. You got that zombie cat.
Actually, no. That
was just a regular cat.
You guys didn't notice the
different color or that it was a
little bit bigger, and that it
wasn't all bloody and half
mangled?
[CRICKETS]
UPBEAT CHEERFUL MUSIC
SHERYL:
I got service.
PETER: Yes! 911 right now. Tell
them we're coming in hot. Gunshot.
Male.
MUSIC CONTINUES
I got our next show for
the network right here. Aw yeah!
Beat me with a broomstick.
We are gonna be famous.
MUSIC CONTINUES
[SCREAMING]
SPOOKY PIANO MUSIC