8-Bit Christmas (2021) Movie Script

Good morning, Chicago.
The big question for Santa
is can he handle the Chicago weather.
What do I want for Christmas?
How about a winning team?
Any Chicago team.
[WOMAN 1] You've already put
your wish in for Santa, right?
[WOMAN 2] I sure have. I wrote a list,
I checked it twice.
Blackhawk fans around the world,
fans everywhere have had...
[WOMAN 3] And I love this time of year.
[ADULT JAKE] We gotta hustle, Annie.
- Come on. Let's go, go, go!
That's my friends trying
to reach me, isn't it?
You know, if I had my own phone...
Um, there's no quit in you,
and it's inspiring. Still a hard no.
Okay, let's say I'm in a
burning building.
No. A burning pet store.
No. A burning orphanage,
and I need to make a phone call.
- You'd feel so terrible.
Lives are at stake!
You're not getting a phone,
Annie. I'm sorry.
I get more calls
on your phone than you do.
That's not true.
My friends have to text you
just to talk to me.
It's embarrassing.
I'm not embarrassing.
Maeve's dad is embarrassing.
Whoa! [GRUNTS]
Still? The ice?
- [SANTA] I told them to salt it.
- [ANNIE] You were saying?
[GROANING] One second.
Jake Doyle.
It's for you.
[ADULT JAKE] Fifty-eight minutes
to Grandpa and Grandma's. With traffic.
Hey, you wanna shoot
pucks in the driveway later?
No, thanks.
Why not? I thought you liked it.
It's kind of our thing.
I don't like hockey anymore.
Oh, okay, well...
maybe we can build a snowman
with Mom and your brother?
We could...
Hey, hold up, hold up, hold up.
Listen, kiddo, I'm sorry about
the phone. It's not gonna happen.
I hate to see you disappointed.
Look, I know that this
year is a little bit different,
but you can still have a good Christmas.
What about you?
I always have a good Christmas.
Must be out running errands.
[ADULT JAKE] Katie? Charlie?
[ANNIE] I'm bored.
Why couldn't we visit Aunt
Lizzy in Australia instead?
Those flights are crazy expensive.
[ANNIE] Well...
what am I supposed to do here?
[ADULT JAKE] Come on, come on.
- What is that?
- That's my Nintendo from when I was a kid.
[ANNIE] Hmm. It looks like Tupperware.
Come on, let's play.
Can I text Maeve from your phone after?
Can you...
Yes, but can I show you
how this works first, please?
- [ANNIE] Yeah.
- Thank you.
Oh, first you have to do this. [BLOWS]
I don't know, just how it works.
- Nice. Maybe dust?
I thought you said Grandma and Grandpa
didn't let you have video
games when you were little.
They didn't.
Then how'd you get it?
When I was a kid, I wanted a
Nintendo worse than you want a phone.
That's not possible.
You know what? Today is your lucky day.
Because I am now going to tell you
the story about how I got my Nintendo.
But it is possibly the
most amazing, dangerous,
awesome story of all time.
So... can you handle it?
Is it dangerous because I
might die from boredom?
That's a good point.
The year was 1987. Or was it '88?
No. '85, Bears.
- Super Bowl was in '86...
- Okay, does it really matter, Dad?
Okay, okay.
The year was the late '80s.
We'll call it December.
I was 11 years old.
In the winter, if the streets were plowed,
I could make it to Timmy Keane's
house in just under eight minutes.
[ANNIE] On a bike? How fast were you going?
[ADULT JAKE] Super fast.
[ANNIE] Did you wear a helmet?
[ADULT JAKE] Yeah, of course.
We always wore helmets in the '80s.
Was it green?
Um, yeah. It was green.
[ADULT JAKE] Could I just tell the story?
- [ANNIE] Yeah.
- [ADULT JAKE] Thanks.
Nintendo! Nintendo! Nintendo!
Nintendo! Nintendo!
[ADULT JAKE] The rule
at Keane's was simple.
The first ten kids to get through
his door got to play Nintendo.
You know how you meet some people,
and you have no idea that
they have a lot of money?
Yeah. Timmy Keane was the opposite of that.
A known psycho,
he had the tendency to lose
his mind on a regular basis.
- [UMPIRE] You're out!
- You! You! You!
Idiot Grandma!
[ADULT JAKE] It was an
early lesson in God's cruelty...
giving the only Nintendo in town
to a rich kid like Timmy Keane.
And every kid at Mary Todd
Lincoln Elementary was at his mercy...
including my best friends.
Oh, another Saturday in the trenches.
[ADULT JAKE] Mikey Trotter.
Tough, tenacious. Was allowed to
watch R-rated movies, and it showed.
I wanna set land mines in this yard.
Like in Platoon, blow everyone up.
Sounds dangerous.
[ADULT JAKE] Evan Olsen.
Nervous, allergic to bees and SpaghettiOs.
Probably has to go home soon.
I probably gotta go home soon.
More Nintendo for us.
[ADULT JAKE] Tammy Hodges.
Smart, confident, baseball card genius
and future CEO of Hodges Industries.
My Canseco rookie went up two bucks!
Yeah, that used to be my Canseco.
[ADULT JAKE] Teddy Hodges.
Tammy's twin brother.
Future assistant to the
CEO of Hodges Industries.
Hey, guys. What's up?
[ADULT JAKE] Oh, yeah, and this kid.
Sorry I'm late. I was on
the phone with Bon Jovi.
[ADULT JAKE] Jeff Farmer.
Pathological liar.
Not really our friend, but always around.
And you left school early yesterday
because Tom Cruise needed
you to stunt double for him?
He knows I too have a need for speed.
So, you didn't have diarrhea?
It was both. Tom Cruise and diarrhea.
The two are not mutually exclusive.
Shut up. He's coming out.
[CHILDREN CHANTING] Nintendo! Nintendo!
- Nintendo!
- Silence!
[ADULT JAKE] 8:00 a.m.
Game time.
Any of you huddled masses
care for some Nintendo?
[ALL] Yeah!
Pick me! Pick me!
You. You. You.
You're good.
Yes! I got in!
[MIKEY] We're in!
I love this place.
- [MIKEY] Whoa!
- [TAMMY] Awesome.
[ADULT JAKE] And there she was,
glistening in all her gray plastic glory,
a maze of rubber wiring and
electronic intelligence so advanced
it was deemed not a video game,
but an 8-bit entertainment system.
Say hello to my little friend.
Hey, boots off!
There's tape over there if
you have holes in your socks.
Don't touch the wall! It's French.
- Wait, my brother's still outside.
- [TEDDY] Let me in!
[TIMMY] You know the rules.
First ten, that's it.
But it's Teddy.
[MOCKING] "But it's Teddy."
[TEDDY] Jerk!
Too bad, so sad.
[ADULT JAKE] There was
no denying he was a jerk.
There was also no denying
he had the coolest basement
in the entire Central Time Zone.
A pool table, shuffle
board, pinball machine,
pop machine, movie-style popcorn-maker.
[TIMMY] Hey, no sucking on the soda pop.
snack drawer better stocked
than most supermarkets
in the greater Chicago area.
You guys hungry? You want
some Pop-Tarts or something?
- Yeah. That'd be great.
- [JAKE] Sure.
- Mom.
- Mom, wake up!
- [MRS. KEANE] What?
Get me a Pop-Tart!
[MRS. KEANE] Uh, how many?
- Just one.
- [MRS. KEANE] Does anybody...
Winner stays.
Die, die!
You're dead. You're dead.
You're dead. [LAUGHS]
Hey, you guys wanna play?
Psych! Boom!
I can do this all day.
[ADULT JAKE] As I sat there
and watched Timmy Keane
blast away an inch from the
screen to his evil heart's content,
one thing became clear.
I needed to get my own Nintendo.
[KATHY] Oh, gee!
Y-O-U-R is possessive.
[ADULT JAKE] For weeks, I'd been plotting
how to get my parents to say
"yes" to a Nintendo for Christmas.
[KATHY] "Scout" is misspelled.
[ADULT JAKE] Tonight was the
night I'd finally put my plan into action.
- [KATHY] "Atticus" is misspelled.
- [JAKE] Mom.
Uh, hey, Mom.
I'm so sorry, Mom,
but I got some ketchup on my sweatshirt.
Oh, gosh. All right, let's
get that out before it sets in.
You know, we bought that
sweatshirt two sizes too big.
- I know.
- It's gotta last you another year.
I don't know. Wow! Jesus!
was always multi-tasking.
She thrived on the chaos.
Two things at once, she was golden.
But if you gave her a third
task to juggle, things got dicey,
and you could get her to agree to
stuff she wouldn't normally agree to.
Hey, so, Mom, I was
thinking, for Christmas...
A kid who thinks. How refreshing.
Maybe you could teach my students that.
But just to make Christmas shopping
a little easier for me this year...
how about getting me a Nintendo?
Sure. That sounds great.
[ADULT JAKE] Mom gauntlet passed.
[JOHN] God bless it!
Is everything all right in there?
Has anyone seen my SKIL saw?
I think it's in the shower.
No, that's my jigsaw. I need my SKIL saw.
John, the SKIL saw is
underneath the jigsaw.
You have to look harder.
- Those are for the Muellers.
[ADULT JAKE] Of the 6,000 Christmas cookies
my mom had baked over the years,
no one in my family had
ever actually eaten one.
Hey, the milk is expired.
No. That's a suggestion. It's fine.
Jake! Where...
- Oh.
- What?
Come on in here and help me.
[ADULT JAKE] Normally, helping my
dad with whatever half-baked renovation
he was doing would be
the last thing I wanted to do,
but tonight, I was a man on a mission.
I'll be right in, Dad.
[KATHY] Wow, look at that.
He finally wore you down.
[ADULT JAKE] My dad was
something of a dyslexic Bob Vila.
It was well-known up and down
Linwood Avenue that in 1978
my father went to install a kitchen
cabinet and had not stopped since.
[KATHY] Please wear
your safety glasses this time.
[ANNIE] Did you wear the safety glasses?
[ADULT JAKE] Absolutely.
Kind of.
All right, you can take that off now.
- [JAKE] What?
- [JOHN] Take it off.
We'll look for the glasses later.
It's really more of a suggestion.
[JAKE] Wow.
How'd you get your hands so strong?
I've been working with them
for over 30 years, that's how.
- That's so cool.
- Yeah?
Maybe you guys could get
me something for Christmas
that builds up my hand strength,
so I could help you out better.
You know, I like the sound of that.
Like a Nintendo?
All right. Let's go clean up. Come on.
[ANNIE] You did it, Dad!
They said yes.
I was on cloud nine.
So the story's over, right?
Cool. Can I text Maeve now?
[KATHY] John, that cup is disgusting.
This is the exact cup I
was drinking out of when...
When they beat the North Stars
- in the Conference semis in '85.
- Fine. Yep.
It's a beautiful memory and a gross cup.
Stop saying "totally."
You sound like a moron.
[JOHN] And what's your
retainer doing out of your mouth?
But we're eating.
Do you know how expensive
that thing is? Put it back in.
John, he really can't eat with
it in. It doesn't work that way.
Well, it won't work at all if he loses it.
I mean, orthodontistry
is the biggest racket.
I could make one of those. Easy.
Couple of paper clips, mouth
guard... [WHISTLES] Done.
I'd like you to finish the living
room and the dining room
before you start work on their retainers.
If I had a retainer, I'd wear it
all the time, no matter what.
I know you would, honey.
You're such a sweetheart.
Hey, you haven't seen my
air compressor, have you?
It's in the backyard,
right next to all the dog
poop that Jake didn't pick up.
You haven't picked that up yet?
Cry in a bucket, Jake.
What have you been doing all day?
I was in Timmy Keane's basement.
What, you can't play outside?
It's cold.
It's not even below zero out.
What've you been doing inside all day?
Probably playing the Mimtendo?
That's what I just said. "Intendo," John.
You know, I ran into Mrs.
Trotter at the Jewel today.
Apparently, video games have been doing
all kinds of strange
things to children in Japan.
Like what?
They get so involved, they
completely forget about everything else.
School, friends.
One little boy had a brain aneurysm
and stuff oozed out of his nose.
I'm very glad that we do
not have one. [CHUCKLES]
But you said I could get one for Christmas.
I said nothing of the sort.
Video games make
you fat, Jake. It's a fact.
Cabbage Patch Kids don't make you fat.
[JAKE] No, no, no.
Dad, you said I could have one, too.
No, I didn't. Well, okay, I did.
But I thought that it was an
Asian tool brand, like Makita.
You know what? You
should be playing outside.
Evan Olsen almost got
frostbite from playing outside.
He almost lost his pinkie toe.
The Olsens are weak stock.
No Nintendo in my house.
I second that.
Me three, and that makes a majority.
Looks like a no-go on the 'Tendo.
She's funny, John.
[JOHN] Best kid ever.
just like that, it was gone.
I was never getting my own Nintendo.
My life was over.
Jake. Jake.
Come on. You gotta focus, man.
[EVAN] His parents said he
couldn't get a Nintendo last night.
When my parents said no, I was so mad,
I started calling them
by their first names.
Okay, well, channel that
anger into taking down Jagorski.
[JOSH] Yeah!
Let's go!
[ADULT JAKE] Every day
before school, we would gather,
for reasons unknown, to
get pummeled by Jagorski
in the game King of the Mountain.
My mountain! Mine!
[ADULT JAKE] It was never quite certain what
grade Josh "King of the Mountain" Jagorski
was actually enrolled in,
as the vast majority of his time
was spent in such foreign
districts as the principal's office,
and the adult beverage
refrigerator case at the gas station.
[JOSH] Bye and bye.
Yeah! Come on!
He smells like my dad after
he practices guitar in the garage.
Who wants a piece
of this delicious strawberry cake?
This is it. Let's go!
- Why now?
- Do we have to?
Come on!
Come here!
Let's go! Let's go! Go, go, go!
Come on!
[MIKEY] Oh, no!
Come on.
How about a nice face wash, Doyle?
[JAKE] I hate that guy!
Me too.
Just think about the Power Glove, man.
What? What Power Glove?
Yo, you didn't tell him?
- I thought you told him.
- [MIKEY] No.
The Power Glove. Keane got one last night.
No way!
- Yes, way.
- [JAKE] For real.
- [JAKE] Awesome!
- Look, he's already practicing.
[TAMMY] Nice!
[TIMMY] Psych!
We're all going over to his
house after school to play it.
He's gonna let us in?
We gotta bribe him with gifts, but yeah.
Who else knows?
Just us.
and Farmer.
Great. Farmer knows. Secret's safe.
Power Glove! Power Glove!
I didn't say anything to
anyone, I swear to God.
All right, fine. Maybe
Meg Platt, Steve Dybsky,
my second-period gym class,
Coach Wallach, but that's it.
Come on, Farmer. Now
we're never gonna get in.
I have a Power Glove at my house.
My uncle works at the cardboard company...
You don't have one, Farmer.
No, I do not.
I don't think anybody in Chicago
has one yet besides Keane.
He's coming out!
Glove! Power Glove! Power Glove!
This is so dumb.
Just do it.
Glove! Power Glove! Power Glove!
I'm holding out for a hero
Till the end of the night
He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh From the fight
- I need a hero
Yeah, Keane, yeah!
[ADULT JAKE] It was the most
beautiful piece of machinery
I'd ever laid eyes on.
The thing made Luke Skywalker's
robot hand look like a Tinker toy.
Silence, children of Batavia.
And Coach.
What have you brought me?
[ALL] Me! Me! Me!
I got a goldfish! I got a goldfish!
Untraceable cash money!
You're not getting in with that, dude.
It's a summer sausage. It's gourmet.
It's the best I could find.
[BOY] Gimme! Gimme!
Two! Three!
Hey, I got my dad's Sports Illustrated.
Yeah. Four. Yeah.
NASA moon rocks?
Moon rocks? No.
Summer sausage!
- It's my dad's. It's gourmet.
- No.
[CONNOR] I got a
goldfish, Keane! You want it?
- But it's a good pet. It's a fish.
- [TIMMY] No.
Good girl, good girl.
Fetch! Go!
[TIMMY] Settle down, peons.
- Gentlemen.
Gentlemen and the Hodges girl.
Behold the Power Glove...
in all of its...
Timmy Keane, dream journal.
I had the dream about Tammy Hodges again.
She was on a white horse, I was on a beach.
- I don't know what that means.
- Turn it off!
- [MRS. KEANE] Timmy, do you have your jammies on?
- [TIMMY] Mom, get out of here!
[MRS. KEANE] Okay.
- No one heard that. Understand?
- Yeah.
the power of the Power Glove.
[TIMMY] You ready, Hodges?
Not everyone can use
these things, by the way.
You have to be specially
trained in Taekwondo
which is like karate,
but just more expensive.
[JAKE] What a tool.
[ADULT JAKE] Oh, man. This was it.
The Power Glove. At last.
Each one of us in that basement
knew we were about to witness history.
Feel the Glove.
Felt like an Isotoner.
This is how you really punch with power.
- [TIMMY] Come on.
- [ALL] Oh!
- [MIKEY] Go, Tammy!
- [TEDDY] Go, Tammy, get him, get him!
Boom! You can give up now.
Nah. I think I'll win instead.
[MIKEY] Yeah, Tammy!
Get him, Tammy! Get him!
[ALL] Whoa!
Come on!
[ADULT JAKE] We thought he was
just making excuses, being a sore loser.
But we'd later realized a horror
that defined our generation.
The Power Glove sucked.
This glove sucks!
Hi-ya! Hi-ya!
Come on, unleash your power!
[JAKE] Yeah, yeah!
It's not working! Come on!
[MAN IN GAME] Silence him!
Mommy, Tammy cheated!
Sucks to lose... to a girl.
- [ALL] Ooh!
[ADULT JAKE] Maybe it was the glove.
You tell 'em, Keane!
[ADULT JAKE] Maybe it was the song.
Chop, chop, chop!
Hai karate, Keane!
[ADULT JAKE] Maybe it was
because he was just such an idiot.
But Timmy Keane lost
his dang mind that day.
Go, Keane, go! Taekwondo!
[ALL] Go, Keane, go! Taekwondo!
[ALL] Go, Keane, go! Taekwondo!
Does anybody want some Tang?
I just made a batch.
[ADULT JAKE] A marble stuck in a nostril...
shattering Mom's antique vase.
Picnics in the fricking
park compared to this.
For there, lying under the weight
of a smashed 42-inch television set...
was a dead dog.
The dog dies?
There's a dead dog in this story?
Hey, what can I tell ya? It was the '80s.
Stuff got real.
I thought you said you
were super safe in the '80s?
It was a complicated decade.
Are you making all this up?
No. No. No way.
Okay, well...
what happened next in the basement?
I mean, I don't really care. But...
What did you do?
We did what any rational,
thoughtful, responsible kids
would've done in our position.
[EVAN] Why is everyone running?
[TAMMY] Go, go, go!
- [EVAN] What's happening?
- We gotta get outta here!
[EVAN] What's going on? What's going on?
- The sound of all those bones breaking...
- What do you mean, "bones"?
It's game over at Keane's!
Just go! Go! Go! Go!
[ADULT JAKE] It was the end-o of
Nintendo at Keane's as we knew it.
So many thoughts raced through my head.
Would I be arrested? Would I go to jail?
Or worse, would I ever play Nintendo again?
It's gonna be snow, snow, snow.
[LIZZY] Snow!
a northwest clipper coming off
- of the south side of Lake Michigan.
- Yes!
God bless it.
Christmas time that's just perfect.
Can't read Jenny Jablecki's
handwriting on this, Mom.
[KATHY] If there is a heart over the "I"...
mark it wrong and move on.
Are we gonna have a snow day today?
I don't want anyone here
getting their hopes up.
It's probably not gonna happen.
I don't want anyone getting upset, okay?
history of Batavia, Illinois,
there had never been a snow day.
Not a single one.
It could be 20 below with
a Soviet attack on the way
- and we'd still have school.
- [REPORTER] We just got this in.
In Kane County, the school
closures are as follows...
- [LIZZY] Come on!
- [REPORTER] Geneva,
- Come on!
- [REPORTER] Elburn...
- [JAKE] Come on!
- [REPORTER] South Elgin,
[REPORTER] North Aurora, and... that's it.
- Stupid!
- Oh, no!
Mary of God!
I told you guys not to get your hopes up.
- [JAKE] You okay, Mom?
- [KATHY] All right. You have to eat something.
- Here.
- This is frozen.
Yes, put it under your armpits
for two minutes, it'll thaw out.
Guys, coats, gloves. What are we doing?
Jake, don't forget your boots.
Yeah. Don't forget your boots, Jake.
[ADULT JAKE] My mother, in a multi-tasking,
cold, coupon-induced bout of madness,
had accidentally bought me girl's boots.
Back then, they were a death sentence.
I should note, they were
also flowered and French.
What do you mean, "girl's boots"?
Like they only fit girl's feet?
No, they were just purple.
Back then, people were more
close-minded about fashion.
And everything else.
Ooh, pretty.
Did you know that
Esprit is French for "cool"?
- Really?
- No.
Just go ahead, I'll catch up.
What if someone kidnaps me?
They'll return you in, like, five minutes.
You shouldn't be doing that.
Wait a second and shut up.
You said a swear.
I got a lot on my mind, Lizzy.
I got a lot on my mind too.
Come on. Let's go.
Let's go.
[MRS. HUGO] It's called
the Dewey Decimal System.
Right. This is a life
skill, people, like cursive.
When you're an adult, and you
wanna look something up really quickly,
you're gonna be very happy
that you learned this today. Okay.
All you're gonna have
to do is go to the library.
Get your coats and
boots on, head on over...
We talked to Keane. The dog's not dead.
The dog's not dead?
No, it just broke three legs
and a few ribs. It's on life support.
It's gonna make a full
recovery though. Right?
I wouldn't count on it.
That TV landed on her
like a house on a witch.
But eventually it'll be
like nothing happened.
Physically, maybe. But
mentally, she'll never be the same.
You're lucky you didn't see it,
Olsen. You would have thrown up.
I only throw up from SpaghettiOs.
It's a medical condition.
He's really the
Shackleton of the librarians.
- And I'm not the only one who thinks that, by the way.
Wait, so does this mean Nintendo's back on?
- It gets a little more specific.
- No.
Keane's dad took it away. It's really over.
[JEFF] Did you guys hear?
The Loyal Ranger Scouts are
giving out a Nintendo this year.
Whoever sells the most wreaths in
the wreath-selling contest gets one.
- No way.
- Yes, way. A sixth-grader told me.
The same sixth-grader who
told you that there were tryouts
for the A-Team? Yeah, right.
Nope. That was a lie. This one's real.
We're gonna need some solid proof, Farmer.
- Jake Doyle.
- Huh?
Do you have something that you'd
like to share with the rest of the class?
Uh, no.
Don't think I haven't
been watching you, Jake.
You're the only one in here with wet shoes.
Now, you know the
rules. No boots, no recess.
- But...
- I expect to see you in boots at recess,
or your name goes on the board...
with a check.
So what's it going to be, Mr. Doyle?
or a check?
[JOSH] Go, go, go!
- [JOSH] Catch it. Get out there. Catch it.
- No.
It changes colors when I lick it.
[ADULT JAKE] Connor Stump
was by far the weirdest kid in school.
He always carried around a recorder
and his lunch was almost exclusively tuna.
You ever put socks and shoes on
your hands and just crawl around?
It's just me, Connor.
I'm not really a lion.
- Jake, come on, you're on our team.
- [JOSH] Let's go. Line up.
Just play without me.
What're you doing back there?
Ooh, is there a dead squirrel again?
Is it all furry and frozen?
You're wearing Katie Sorrentino's boots.
They're mine.
Your mom use a coupon again?
Let's go, Trotter, you baby.
Yeah, we gotta get you outta here.
If Jagorski sees you, he'll kill you.
Hey. What're you...
You're wearing Katie Sorrentino's boots.
They're mine.
That's it! I'm coming over there.
No, no! What do I do? What do I do?
Does anybody have some candy
or a nudie magazine or something?
I call dibs if there's a dead
squirrel back there again.
I think we got ourselves
a pair of girl's boots here.
[ADULT JAKE] Painfully,
my mind flipped through
the Rolodex of punishment
I was about to endure.
Weeks of wedgies, swirlies, dead legs.
I wanted to punch a kid's face
until it turned into Kool-Aid so bad
and I didn't get the chance... until now.
- What's up, dork?
- Hi!
How's Four Eyes?
- [ADULT JAKE] But then, I heard the voice of an angel.
- [JEFF] Guys, I got proof!
[JEFF] Guys! Guys!
It says it right here!
It really is a Nintendo!
It's just a picture of a dumb wreath.
You gotta read it.
"This year's first prize is a brand-new
Nintendo Entertainment System."
I'm gonna kill you.
[ADULT JAKE] Less than 30
minutes after the final school bell
I was fitted in my dress
greens and on my way...
envisioning the acres
of Alaskan pine forest
needed to cover the amount
of wreaths I was about to sell.
And I had my sales pitch all planned out.
"I'm with the Loyal Ranger
Scouts, ma'am, and without your help
thousands of boys may become
drug addicts and communists."
- What?
- What?
What? What do you want?
Hi. My name is...
Wait. You're not trying to
sell me something, are you?
Wanna buy a wreath?
What, do you got a learning
disability or something?
Wait, you don't really got a
learning disability, do you?
Good. Ma, this kid
thinks your wreath sucks!
- Oh.
[JEFF] Hey, Doyle. Gotta look
out for those "no solicitor" signs.
What're you doing here, Farmer?
- Ruining your life.
You can't sell wreaths here.
You think there are rules
here, Doyle? There are no rules.
That Nintendo's mine.
- I've already sold 67 wreaths.
- To who?
People. Your mom.
You're full of it, Farmer.
Hello, young lady. I was
hoping your mother was home.
I need to speak to an adult in the house.
And did I mention how
much I like your sweater?
[ADULT JAKE] All over town, the
boys in green pounded the pavements
in record numbers,
all in the name of Nintendo.
A swarm of snot-nosed
Gordon Gekkos had been born.
Merry Christmas, ma'am.
Would you like to buy a wreath?
Hello, ma'am. 'Tis the season.
Merry Christmas, sir. Do you
think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
Look at that, it's already wreath-thirty?
"Douglas fir Christmas
wreaths." Just say it!
Why don't you just say it?
'Cause I'm not in stupid Ranger
Scouts, 'cause I'm not a stupid boy.
[ADULT JAKE] And it was
every kid for themselves.
Kids who weren't even in Ranger
Scouts were getting in on the action.
I will not take no for an answer!
That is the first rule of
salesmanship! The first rule!
was getting the hang of it.
Oh, are you here to shovel my walk?
No, I'm here to sell Christmas wreaths.
Okay. Um, let me see.
My wallet's in my car.
You want me to...
Shovel my car out, so I can
get to it. That would be great.
Oh, I'll get the shovel.
[JEFF] The Tevatron particle accelerator
at Fermilabs, they get more headlines.
But if you ask me...
the most valuable local
resource we still have today
are our teachers.
Merry Christmas, Mrs. Doyle.
Merry Christmas, Jeff.
Stay beautiful, Kath.
She said I reminded her of you.
See you later, Jake.
Did it have to be Farmer?
He offered me an honest
deal at an honest price.
There's nothing honest about him!
He's a pathological liar!
Oh, I thought he was a really nice boy.
Those are for your mother.
My mom would want me to have one.
I didn't even know that you
were selling wreaths this year.
He only cares about it now
because they're giving away a Nin...
Night in Chicago.
Yep. That's a new prize.
At a hotel, I think, in downtown?
[KATHY] That's a peculiar
prize for an 11-year-old.
That is a peculiar prize.
Don't you think that's peculiar, Dad?
God bless it. Where the hell is it?
The Phillips head is in the butter dish.
[JOHN] No, that's not it.
You know what, Jake? If
you wanna win that prize,
you have to do what I tell
my kids in class every day.
Make like a vacuum cleaner.
Suck it up and do the work.
- What are you looking for?
My gourmet sausage.
How the hell do you lose a sausage?
[KATHY] Dinner is served.
I wanted to eat it with dinner.
We're having salads.
That's why I wanted to eat the sausage.
Well, maybe Elwood ate it, Dad.
'Cause, I mean, he's been
pooping so much lately.
He has, hasn't he?
You know how I know that?
Because it still hasn't been picked up.
Uh, it snowed.
Hey, that's no excuse, okay?
Tomorrow morning, you,
that shovel, backyard.
No, I'm totally supposed to
sell wreaths all day tomorrow.
Well, too bad. And stop saying "totally."
It's not fair.
Hey, if life was fair,
it would be... a fair.
Okay? But I don't...
I don't see any carnival
rides around here, do you?
You just made that up, didn't you?
No, I didn't.
It's an old saying.
In the name of the Father, and
of the Son and of the Holy Spirit...
from thou thy bounty,
to Jesus Christ's name...
- he is great.
- Amen.
[ADULT JAKE] I was convinced Elwood
had pooped more times than any other dog
in the history of the world.
Our yard looked like a vanilla cake
that someone dumped an
entire bag of chocolate chips onto.
What's Lizzy doing? She can't help?
You wanted the dog, you pick up after it.
You got the dog before I was born.
Who wanted the dog is irrelevant,
Jake. Just pick up the dang poop.
Come here.
Come here.
All right. Take a deep breath.
Go ahead.
You smell that?
- Poo?
- No!
Fresh air!
That's all we had, and we loved it.
When I was your age,
we didn't have Nintendos.
You know what we did?
Built forts in the woods.
We'd gather up old lumber and siding
and whatever we could
find we'd build, like,
watchtowers and rope ladders...
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we built trapdoors, too.
- Cool.
- Yeah, it was cool.
Yeah, we'd work on it all year round, too.
Kinda like the house?
[LAUGHING] Yeah. Kinda like the house.
Cry in a bucket, that dog poops a lot.
Don't worry about behind the shed.
Just get the ones around the house, okay?
And then when you're done...
you can varnish these old hockey sticks.
Because they need to get done, that's why.
Come on, Dad.
You think I like paying taxes
and talking to our neighbors?
No. But you gotta do it.
I don't like doing that stuff!
Careful with the varnish.
[JAKE] "Careful with the varnish."
What am I gonna do? Drink it?
I know how to be careful.
We need to talk.
What are you doing in my room?
I need...
Did Elwood diarrhea on you?
It's varnish. What do you want?
I need your help.
With what?
Getting a Cabbage Patch Kid.
Santa didn't get me a She-Ra
last year, so I can't trust him.
I gotta go through Mom and Dad.
So what do you need me for?
I need you to drop hints
for them to get me one.
No way. Why would I wanna help you?
Now, I want a redhead named
Abrona Fiona with freckles and a...
Why do you want a dumb doll so bad?
Because I've always wanted
a sister. Stop interrupting me.
It looks bad if I'm talking about
it all the time to Mom and Dad.
We need a subtle attack,
and we gotta act fast.
What are you gonna do for me?
- Tell you how to win a Nintendo.
You don't know how to win a Nintendo.
Okay, never mind.
How can I win it?
You promise to help me
get a Cabbage Patch Kid?
Yeah, sure.
Yes, I promise already.
Okay. You sold two wreaths to
Miss Sherman yesterday, right?
How do you know that?
Don't worry about it.
She bought a lot because she's old, right?
Old people buy stuff from kids.
So what you need are a bunch
of old people all in one place
so you don't have to track them all down.
What's your point?
Prairie Pines, the nursing home.
Two hundred old people,
each with their own door,
perfect for wreath-hanging.
That's a really good idea.
I know. So we got a deal, or what?
A redhead with freckles. Don't mess it up.
I'll be watching you.
[ADULT JAKE] Prairie Pines nursing home
didn't know what was about to hit them.
[EXHALING] "Suck it up. Do the work."
Hi, everybody.
- Hi.
- Do you like blues?
Hi! You look just like my grandson.
Oh, let me see those cheeks.
[ADULT JAKE] But it turned out, I
didn't know what was about to hit me.
Because the World's Fair was here...
and we were celebrating
the city's centennial.
You see, Chicago was founded in 1833.
That makes it 100 years to 1933.
Hold on.
It's what he would've wanted.
[ADULT JAKE] It took six
hours and ten cups of pudding,
but I managed to sell a whopping
47 wreaths to the nursing home.
All thanks to Lizzy.
Hey, Mom.
Did you know that this
mall has the largest selection
of Cabbage Patch Kids in all of Chicago?
I didn't know that, no.
Which is good, 'cause they're
really flying off the shelves.
He doesn't want a Cabbage
Patch Kid now, does he?
- No idea.
- Odd. But who knows with these two?
- Hey! What're you doing?
Yeah, Wisconsin plates. Shocker.
- Look at him. Look at him. Look at him.
- Okay. All right, John...
He's jerking the wheel
like he's milking a cow.
[ADULT JAKE] Ah, yes. The
annual Doyle Chicago shopping trip.
Also known as my dad's least favorite
and most expensive day of the year.
You know what I love when you wear?
- What?
- Turtlenecks.
It's gonna be so cold in Minnesota
when we get to my parents' house,
I feel like we should
definitely try on a few today.
Yeah, well, turtlenecks,
your parents, it's great.
So, yes?
Look at this idiot.
What're you doing?
Hey! You beeping at me?
Yeah, I got a horn, too, Miles.
Miles Davis, ladies and gentlemen.
Can we turn on the Christmas carols?
No! No Christmas carols.
Steely Dan. Listen to
this. This is good stuff.
[CAROLERS SINGING] We wish you a Merry
Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
- And a happy New Year
- [JOHN] Elves!
- Hey. Creep me out.
- Breathe, John. You have to breathe.
No, it's like a grown man acting
that chipper, it's not natural.
- And a happy New...
- Back off, Jack!
[KATHY] Sorry.
- Have some self-respect. Jesus.
- You have to calm down.
[JOHN] Why are we walking so fast?
[KATHY] Everybody, no
bathroom breaks, okay?
You had your chance
at home. Do not test me.
God, why is it so hot in here?
We're not stopping for
Santa yet, guys, okay?
Hey, is there a bar at the food court?
John, it's barely noon.
Okay, we got Barb her candles,
we got the two-for-one turtlenecks...
- Mom, look, there's the Cabbage Patch store.
- What are we missing?
- Can we go, Mom?
- Yes,
honey, go on. Lead the way.
[JAKE] Hey, Mom. Did you know
that Cabbage Patch Kids come
with their own birth certificates?
Thought all you cared
about was selling wreaths.
Since when are you so
interested in Cabbage Patch Kids?
Lizzy really wants one.
Well, they're very expensive,
honey, and they're very hard to find.
Sold out in 20 minutes.
Last Patch in all of Chicago.
You should've seen it. It was ugly.
One woman punched a
grandma right in the throat.
Same family, too.
Oh, Lizzy. Hey, it's okay.
You know, I saw some really
nice Care Bears on the way in.
Care Bears are for babies.
- Oh.
[ADULT JAKE] Poor little Lizzy.
It kinda made you wanna go
over there and wipe her tears
and give her a big...
Hold on a second.
[NINTENDO] Hello, Jake.
Who said that?
[NINTENDO] You know who.
[NINTENDO] That's right. Come over here.
I've missed you, Jake.
[KATHY] Hey, Jake. Your
dad and I are gonna go upstairs
to get the Fenelons a gift.
[JOHN] Why? They haven't given us anything.
[KATHY] Stay down here with the
toys and watch your sister, okay?
[JOHN] Jake.
- Jake.
- Huh?
Watch your sister.
[NINTENDO] That's it. Come over here, Jake.
You know you want to.
What am I gonna do about my
Cabbage Patch Kid now, Jake?
[NINTENDO] Forget your
sister, Jake. She's useless.
You should be worried about the wreaths.
Have you sold enough wreaths?
I'll do anything to be with you.
Who're you talking to?
We need a new plan.
Jake? Jake?
[NINTENDO] Do you know how
many games I have here, Jake?
I have all the games.
Way more than Timmy Keane.
What game would you like to play?
Pick another one. I don't have that one.
[JAKE] Super Mario Bros.
- Pick another one.
- Defender.
Hmm, how about Rampage?
It's loaded up right now.
Cool. I'll do anything you say.
[NINTENDO] Very good. Yes.
You're such a good boy, Jake.
I can tell, you've got what it takes.
You really think so?
[NINTENDO] No. I know so.
[ADULT JAKE] Maybe it was
the excitement of the display,
or just the thrill of playing in public,
but for some reason, I started
playing the game of my life.
Dude, you're on fire.
[ADULT JAKE] All other
distractions became irrelevant.
My senses had reached a higher state.
I'd become one with Nintendo.
[NINTENDO] Yes, yes. You
were born for this moment.
Whoa! You're amazing!
What's your name, man?
[NINTENDO] Go ahead.
Tell them your name, Jake.
Say it.
Jake Doyle!
[NINTENDO] Jake Doyle. Nintendo master.
[CROWD] Jake! Jake! Jake!
Jake! Jake! Jake!
Jake! Jake! Jake!
[ADULT JAKE] Before I knew it,
the entire mall was chanting my name.
This was why I needed a Nintendo.
This was my destiny.
Nothing could stop me now.
[KATHY] Jake! Jake!
[JOHN] Jake Stephan Doyle!
Where is your sister?
What's wrong with you?
- [KATHY] Lizzy!
- [JOHN] Elizabeth!
You're a dead man, bro.
Lizzy! Lizzy!
Forget about her, Jake. She's gone.
Shut up, Nintendo! This is your fault!
How do you get into homes
that don't have chimneys?
The back door.
What if it's an apartment
with no back door?
The front door.
So you know how to pick locks?
That's me.
Do you know that's a felony?
Mom! She's over here! I found her!
[KATHY] God, Lizzy!
Oh, my God!
Mom, they might still have
Cabbage Patch Kids at the North Pole.
Even ones with red hair.
Lizzy, we told you to stay with Jake.
He was playing the Nintendo.
[JOHN SCREAMING] God bless it, Jake!
Are you okay?
You start playing those games
your brains turn to mush
in, like, three minutes.
That's your sister!
It's not like losing your retainer!
[KATHY] Hold on.
Five bags here, John. Hold on.
Open your mouth.
Open your mouth.
- John.
- What?
- Where's the Marshall Field's bag?
- Hey!
- Jake!
- [KATHY] Your turtleneck's in it, John!
[ADULT JAKE] The actual cost of
my retainer had been explained to me
in the simple terms of, "If you
lose it, don't bother coming home."
- Hey!
- Jake!
Move! Jake!
[ADULT JAKE] I figured it cost
roughly as much as a new car.
Where is it? Where is it? Where is it?
[MAN] Whoa!
Jake! Ha!
[ELF] Six geese a-laying
[ELF] No, wait! What... [SCREAMING]
Of course! Packer fans.
Oh, my God.
[ADULT JAKE] Safe. Retainer retained.
[SOFTLY] Okay.
[JOSH] You let the girls get punched!
[ADULT JAKE] The best
part of the shopping trip
besides not losing my retainer or my sister
was that it turns out there's
a secret part of the mall
where old people sit by the piano.
I sold 22 more wreaths that day.
How many you got, Jake?
Um, 93.
You're selling wreaths, too?
What's a wreath?
- Enough with the dee-doos, for crying out loud,
I'm trying to listen to this.
And stop fiddling with the hand plane.
This is not a toy. See?
It's sharp.
[MAN ON RADIO] Konroyd
over to Larmer. Larmer circling.
And has his pocket
picked by Shane Corson...
You know...
If you want, sometime, maybe I can...
teach you how to use some of those.
I kinda got a lot going on, Dad.
Ah... right.
[MAN ON RADIO] He dishes back
to Larmer. Larmer down the near side,
over to Savard...
[LOUDER] He shoots, he scores!
- Yes!
- Denis Savard!
- Hawks now leading with one!
- Yeah, baby!
- And Claude Lemieux is still jawing away.
Quit your crying, Claude.
Yeah, you're all talk, no walk.
Remember that, Jake. Okay?
A bully like Claude Lemieux
is not worth a hill of beans.
He's all talk, no walk.
Why are we under this bridge, Dad?
Talk to a guy about the Cabbage Patch Kids.
You know what they look like, right?
Why does Lizzy get to get what she wants,
but I can't get what I want?
Do you wanna deal with your sister
if she doesn't get what she wants?
- No.
- Exactly.
I don't negotiate with terrorists.
So you just give them what they want?
- Yeah. You kidding?
Okay. That's him.
Let me do all the talking. Okay?
This feels kinda scary, Dad.
Here, I'll take the handsaw.
Come on. Come on!
Can I help you boys?
[JOHN] Yeah.
Word is that you've...
come into a little cabbage?
Officer, please. I'm just standing here.
I thought maybe you two
needed directions, so...
Relax, I'm not a cop.
What about 21 Jump Street over here?
He's not a cop.
Come on, man. He's 11.
Yeah, I don't know that.
I mean, cops are crazy.
You ever see RoboCop?
That dude's half cop and half robot.
You ever see that movie?
My mom wouldn't let me.
But my friend, Mikey Trotter, saw it.
Yeah. He's good. You're good.
He's not a cop, all right? Now, come on.
Are you gonna sell us a black-market
Cabbage Patch Kid, or what?
Step into my office.
You boys need anything
else while you're here?
Some Pound Puppies? Kidney? Nintendo?
- [JOHN] No, just the doll.
We're gonna need a girl one.
A redhead with freckles.
Best Patch in the Tri-City.
Yeah, that looks good.
Yeah, does look good.
So what, are you two having
a father-son day? Yeah?
Something like that? Yeah?
Need a third?
Nah, I'm kidding.
I do miss my dad... A lot.
[JOHN] Hey, this redhead
doesn't have any freckles.
Yeah, no, the blond one's got freckles.
- All right, how much?
- $100.
One hundred? No.
Yeah, where else you gonna go?
Every store from Wheaton to Winnetka's out.
Sixty bucks.
I got the name of two brothers up
in Villa Park selling them for $50.
You know what? We
can go up there right now.
Yeah, yeah. The Diaz brothers. No, no, no.
You do not want any of
their bald-headed junk.
Seventy. Last offer.
Oh, I can't say no to that face.
All right. $70.
- Comes with a birth certificate.
- [JAKE] Wow!
- Dad, that's...
- Signed right on the derriere.
[DEALER] Thanks.
Can we ask about the Nintendo?
I got him down from
$100. Can you believe that?
[CHUCKLES] Lizzy's gonna love it.
[ADULT JAKE] Did it bother
me that my dad went to
Herculean lengths to
get my sister a present?
But I was gonna get one on my own.
[MR. HALBERG] Gentlemen.
Look deeply into your candle's flame.
Stare at its dancing light.
Now, close your eyes.
What do you see?
You see the flame, gentlemen.
It burns even when your eyes are closed
because we know that even
when we blow these candles out...
the Loyal Ranger Scout
flame will never fade.
But I thought Loyal Ranger
Scouts were for boys.
And scouts are supposed to have honor,
yet you're still here.
[MR. HALBERG] Lots to
get through tonight, gents.
We've got the Pinewood Derby,
the Loyalty Day parade... Oh...
I got another 'Nam poem for
you entitled "A Tie is Not a Loss."
Get to the wreaths, Halberg!
- I'm sorry?
- The door necklaces.
Are you even in this troop?
[CHANTING] Wreaths! Wreaths! Wreaths!
Wreaths! Wreaths! Wreaths!
Okay. Okay! We'll do the wreaths!
Okay. Calm down.
I know you've all been
selling very hard this year
so we've done our best to
make sure that these prizes...
are special.
[ADULT JAKE] Oh-ho! Look at that!
First prize looked even bigger
than a normal NES system.
Who knew what other Nintendo
treasures were under there?
Told you it came with a free Power Pad.
In third place...
Jeffery Farmer!
Nobody cares about third place.
[ADULT JAKE] Considering
Farmer's constant claims to victory,
this was a delight to us all.
Anybody had a chance now.
"Subscription to Boys' Life."
- Yes!
I grew up on that magazine.
[MR. HALBERG] Great articles.
And in second place...
an amazing showing...
Teddy Hodges!
[ADULT JAKE] Sadly, the
combined totals of the Hodges twins
were only good enough for silver.
It's a globe of the whole world!
All of it!
[ADULT JAKE] There was no
second place when it came to Nintendo.
And now...
- [EVAN] This is it, this is it!
- ...this year's first prize winner
of the wreath-selling contest.
The highest sales total in troop history...
Jake Doyle!
I won!
[ADULT JAKE] You can
put it on the board! Yes!
Oh, so many people to thank.
My friends, my family,
the Nintendo Corporation...
[MR. HALBERG] This year's first prize...
the best we've had in years...
- Are you ready, Jake?
- Yeah.
A brand-new set of
World Book encyclopedias!
like winning more school.
Where is it? [SCREAMING]
- I hate you, Halberg!
[ADULT JAKE] It didn't make any sense. Why?
Why had the troop leaders promised
us toys, and then give us books?
Who could possibly be
behind something so terrible?
So awful, so villainous?
Dr. Timothy Keane Senior, that's who.
Parents of Batavia, good evening.
- Hi.
- [ADULT JAKE] Little did we know,
the night before the wreath award ceremony,
Dr. Keane had assembled a meeting
with the express purpose
of ruining our lives.
There was an incident in my home recently.
A member of the Keane
family, Lacy Dog Keane...
was crushed to near death
by our 42-inch television set.
[WHISPERING] 42-inch,
that's a really nice television set.
Now I certainly do not blame my boy, Timmy,
who is a gifted, generous young man,
who has recently been
diagnosed with something called...
"Attention Deficit..."
Blah, blah, blah. Whatever.
It's very serious... [SIGHS]
and it's extremely rare.
[CRYING] So rare.
[KISSES] I love you.
Could I have the lights, please?
Ladies and gentlemen...
the real culprit of this
dog-crippling crime...
is video games.
Video games did this.
And this.
And this.
And this.
It's the same slide.
I meant, and this.
- [JOHN] Still same slide.
- God damn it!
Timmy dumped cheese in here again.
You know you can't give him
cheese, Janice. You know this.
And this.
- The question is, ladies and gentlemen...
[MAN] Is that a dog?
...what are we prepared to do about it?
We should ban it!
- Ban it!
- Ban it! Ban it!
- No more dogs are getting crushed in my town!
- No more.
- We must protect our dogs.
- Yes.
We must protect our community!
[MR. KEANE] It's modern
technology taking over our lives.
It's only gonna get worse. It's
all gonna go downhill from here!
- [MRS. TROTTER] That's right.
- We've gotta stop it!
We've gotta burn it all,
burn it all to the ground.
- Burn it.
- Yeah.
Video game over! Video game over!
Let me hear you. Video game over! Louder.
game over! Video game over!
- Let me hear you.
[SOFTLY] Bring it down
now. Video game over.
[ADULT JAKE] Keane's
panicked propaganda continued on
well into the night.
It was a virtual video game Armageddon.
- [MR. HALBERG] I can feel it! We're so close!
- [CROWD] Video game over!
Video game over!
[ADULT JAKE] And there was
nothing we could do about it.
[BUGS BUNNY ON TV] No rabbit.
All those wreaths for nothing.
Did you know that Australia's
chief export is coal briquettes?
We interrupt this program to bring you a
special news bulletin from Kane County.
Thank you, Walter.
We're here live in Geneva
with video game violence
activist Dr. Timothy Keane.
Dr. Keane, it's only
eight shopping days now
until Christmas, and you've managed to pass
a county-wide ban on
selling video game systems.
- Is that correct?
- That is correct.
Every store in Kane
County has agreed to it.
And you really feel that video
games promote violence enough
to make them illegal?
Has your dog ever been
crushed to near death by your TV?
No, she has not.
[DR. KEANE ON TV] It's not a pretty
sight. Parents need to know the truth.
These games are pure evil,
and they've got to be stopped.
Video game over! Video game over!
- Video game over!
- [CROWD CHANTING ON TV] Video game over!
He's a podiatrist.
Sorry, Jake.
Knock it off, Lizzy.
No, I was being serious. I
know how much you wanted one.
I had it.
It was mine.
But now...
I'll never get one.
Here. You can have the remote.
Thanks, Lizzy.
She gave you the remote?
I would never give Charlie the remote.
You must've been a wreck.
Duh. They banned Nintendo.
So, if Batavia banned Nintendo
and Grandma and
Grandpa won't get you one...
and you're doing all these
bad things, all the time...
- Not all the time.
- Yes, all the time.
You're doing all these things,
and no one will get it for you,
then how did you get it?
How did you get the Nintendo?
Okay, calm down.
Should we take a break?
You wanna text Maeve...
I wanna know what happens in the story.
You see, Annie...
sometimes during Christmas...
just when you think
that all hope is lost...
something magical happens.
Some people call it a Christmas miracle.
Well, this miracle
happened at the roller rink.
What's a roller rink?
[ADULT JAKE] Six days until
Christmas and it was officially official.
None of us were getting a Nintendo.
[EVAN] My cousin in
Elmhurst might get one still.
That's in Cook County.
DuPage County.
- How do you know?
- I got encyclopedias.
[JEFF] Come on, guys.
We still got each other.
- [BOY] Watch out!
- [JEFF] Sorry.
- Objectively, I know that's hilarious
but I just don't have it
in me to laugh right now.
the Hodges' birthday party.
The dreaded Christmas birthday.
Not only did the twins have to
share a birthday between them,
they had to share it
with Christmas to boot.
"Happy Birthday and Merry
Christmas. Love, Grandma."
What a rip-off.
"P.S. This gift is for you two to share."
- Fresh packs. Who wants to open?
- [ALL] Me!
- You got Chris Sabo.
- Need it.
Need it. Got it. Need it.
You gonna eat your gum?
Uh, I got a Ripken. Billy Ripken.
[TAMMY] Who cares about Billy Ripken?
What? What is it?
You guys are not gonna believe this.
Look! Right there! On his bat!
- [JAKE] Oh, my gosh!
- [EVAN] A swear word.
That's a bad one.
- What does it say?
- [EVAN] Don't read it out loud.
I'm not allowed to hear swear words.
"Swear word dash face."
Which swear word? A-face?
- S-face?
- Mmm-mmm.
Wait. F-face?
It's an error card.
It's the greatest error card of all time!
Billy Ripken.
Ninety-five bucks!
Ninety-five dollars? You're a millionaire!
Yeah, Couple more of those, and
you can buy your own Nintendo.
I got it.
[JEFF] I don't get it.
[JAKE] What do you mean, you don't get it?
It's a very clear 15-point plan.
- I think you spelled "covert" wrong.
- [MIKEY] Okay.
The field trip is Monday
at 0900 hours to Chicago.
- So?
- So, they still sell Nintendos there.
So, we sell some baseball cards,
get some money...
we sneak out of the field
trip and buy our own Nintendo.
Oh, now I get it. But
wait, how's that 15 steps?
That's like... three.
I don't know. We could get in trouble.
I can't get in trouble
now. It's almost Christmas.
Forget Christmas.
This is bigger than Christmas.
[JAKE] This is our one and
only chance to get a Nintendo.
One that we can play on our own.
We don't have to worry
about taking our boots off,
or getting in line...
or any of that stuff.
We can totally do this!
- This is our Vietnam.
- [MIKEY] Yeah.
I don't think that means
what you think it means.
I have no idea what it means.
But who's with me?
I'm in.
Check, check. Over.
Check, check. Over.
[BOTH] We're in.
I'm in.
- [TAMMY] Forget it.
- What?
Baseball cards, Farmer.
Come on! What's a guy gotta do?
We're gonna get in so much trouble.
[ALL] One, two, three, Nintendo!
[JAKE] Got it!
Nice, Tammy.
[EVAN] Safe and secure.
Here we go!
[ANNIE] Oh, no! Not Jagorski.
What's he gonna do?
I'll give you a hint.
Nothing good.
[MRS. HUGO] It's my favorite
field trip. Off to the Art Institute.
- Duffle bag?
- Check.
- Blanket?
- Check. In the bag.
- Walkie-talkies?
- Check.
Camouflage, check.
Not necessary, Farmer.
But I like the spirit.
Personally, I prefer a woodland pattern,
you know, for urban combat.
[JEFF] I agree.
How are you feeling, Olsen?
Not good. [GAGS]
Nice Trapper Keeper, Doyle.
I heard it's good for money management.
- That's ours!
- Not anymore.
You can't do that!
Oh, yeah? And what are
you gonna do about it?
Yeah. That's what I thought.
Your Nintendo's mine. [GRUNTS]
[JOSH] What up, Miss Hugo?
Oh, man. This is so bad.
I don't think it could get any worse.
Jake Doyle.
Where do you think you're going?
On the bus to the Art Institute?
Not like that.
No boots, no field trip.
[ADULT JAKE] At first, I thought,
"Maybe no one will notice."
Hey, everybody! Jake
Doyle's wearing girls' boots!
[MOCKINGLY] They're so pretty.
I have the same kind.
Reoccurring nightmares of
Freddy Krueger and the '84 Cubs
quickly fell to the wayside.
It was a bad dream come to life.
Wow! Nice boots, Doyle.
Hey, why don't you come
back and have a seat?
Hey, you wanna hear about my ant farm?
They're all dead. The
uncles are still alive, though.
[ADULT JAKE] The entire
plan hung in the balance.
And I was stuck next to a kid
eating erasers like Tic Tacs.
Erasers are good. Do you want one?
- No.
- All right.
When you're Runnin' into first
Then you feel a juicy burst
Diarrhea, diarrhea
When you're Sliding into third
And you feel a juicy turd
Diarrhea, diarrhea
When you're sliding into home
And your pants Are full of foam
Diarrhea, diarrhea
We're almost to the spot.
Olsen's getting nervous. What do we do?
I don't know.
Just initiate phase one
and I'll think of something.
[WHISPERING] What about the money?
Mrs. Hugo.
- Evan, what are you doing out of your seat?
- I don't feel good.
Okay, I... We're gonna be...
Don't be scared of
Jagorski, he's only big in size.
Think of something happy.
Tell me your favorite
letters of the alphabet.
In order, mine are T, K, A, I, E...
O, U, Q, X.
Well, well, look at what we got here.
We gotta get the Nintendo now. I can...
Not listening to you,
Doyle. The money's mine.
- We gotta go now, or...
- Or else?
Are you gonna make me?
Go back and sit with your dork girlfriend
in your girl boots!
Are you gonna cry now?
[ADULT JAKE] And that's when it hit me.
Connor Stump wasn't a
weirdo. He was a rebel.
He didn't care about being called names.
He didn't care about
bullies, so why should I?
Nintendo or not,
Jagorski had been King
of the Mountain for too long.
wearing feminine footwear.
"Why did I bring it to school?
"My little mommy put flowers on my shoes!"
You're all talk, no walk, Jagorski.
You're not worth a hill of beans.
Wha... What does that mean?
It means you're just a sad little bully.
And if you don't give me back
my Trapper Keeper right now
the only one crying is gonna be you,
Okay, okay.
And my mom got me these
boots. And I hate them, too!
But I love my mom.
- [EVAN] I know, I...
- Sit down.
Just tell me what it is. I
mean, is it your stomach?
Do you actually think that
maybe you could have...
Just sit down! Sit down, everybody, okay?
[MRS. HUGO] Oh, my gosh! Are you okay?
[JAKE] Get the alarm! Get the alarm!
[MIKEY] Walkies.
Open the door!
All right, go, go, go!
Yippee-ki-yay, Doyle!
Red Dog, this is Blue Bird.
Approaching the mall. Over.
Blue Bird, this is Rambo One.
- What happened to Red Dog?
- I changed it.
We're allowed to change names now?
Let's just start over.
Rambo One, this is
Millennium Falcon Super Cool.
[WHOOPING] Love it!
Approaching Michigan Avenue.
- Careful there, kid. It's slippery.
- Thanks.
Sorry. Excuse me.
Coming through. Sorry.
[ADULT JAKE] Our testing had made it clear.
Two cans of SpaghettiOs in Olsen's stomach
equaled roughly nine minutes of vomit.
That was our window to buy a Nintendo
and make it back to the bus
before Olsen ran out of puke.
Excuse me.
As long as I didn't run
into any major obstacles
I figured I'd be good to go... Oh, God!
Video game over! Video game over!
Are you kidding me?
Rambo One, we have a problem.
What's the problem,
Millennium Super whatever?
Your mom and Mrs. Keane are here.
- What?
- [JAKE OVER RADIO] I repeat, your mom
and Mrs. Keane are outside the store.
I can't get past them
without them seeing me.
- Don't go in there. D
- Don't go in that store.
Don't spend your money. Stay in school!
Get your mom under control, Trotter!
[GROANS] Darn it!
Jake, what are we gonna do?
I don't know. That's why I'm calling you.
Abort! Abort!
- [BOTH] No!
- No.
No abort. We just need
to get them out of the way.
Maybe we could page them over the intercom?
Tell them they have a call.
Guys, there's a payphone across the street.
Yes! Okay. How's Olsen?
Give me a puke check.
[MRS. HUGO] Your poor little tummy...
Okay, feeling bad for
you. I'm feeling very bad.
Could I get some help here?
I knew I should've kept
dancing in Vegas. Knew it.
He ate a whole bag of
candy corn for breakfast.
- We should be good.
- Okay, we can make it to the payphone, Jake.
But what do we say?
I don't know. Something good.
Something good like what?
- I don't know! Make something up.
Did someone say "make something up"?
Paging Mrs. Trotter and Mrs. Keane
please come to the white courtesy phone.
You have an emergency phone call.
- I'm Mrs. Keane.
- What's going on?
Oh, my gosh! An emergency?
Let's go.
[MRS. KEANE] I hope it's not Timmy.
He said something about
stabbing our water bed this morning.
It worked!
Okay, I'm going in. Keep them on the phone.
Copy that.
Doing good.
Oh, hey, here it is.
- Hello?
- Hello, Mrs. Trotter.
- I mean, Mrs. Keane. Right.
- Who is this?
- This is your nephew.
I don't have a nephew.
I know you don't have a nephew.
That's exactly why I'm calling.
I'm with the International
Nieces and Nephews Collective.
The International Nieces
and Nephews Collective?
- That's right.
- What's that?
Well, we're based in Canada.
- [IN CANADIAN ACCENT] Oh, you are, eh? Hi.
- Canada.
Four minutes, Super Falcon. You got this.
- That doesn't make any sense.
- Makes perfect sense if you think about it.
You don't have a nephew,
you would like a nephew,
the Collective is here to help.
- Can you make any sense of this?
- Sure.
- Uh, hello?
- Hello?
I just wanted you to know
making prank calls is very wrong.
Super Cool, come in. Farmer's losing them.
You've gotta hurry.
- [NINTENDO] Where's your sister, Jake?
- Shut up, Nintendo.
And it's also against the law.
You wanna know what else would be criminal?
Letting your son go another holiday season
without experiencing the joys
of sponsoring an adopted cousin.
We're just trying to
spread joy to the world.
[BOTH] Aw.
That makes sense.
- That's nice.
- Yeah.
She bought it. Someone believed me.
[MRS. TROTTER OVER PHONE] I can hear you.
Sorry, ma'am, but this is a
matter of national security.
All right. You're feeling better?
Can we go back in the bus now?
Yeah, he's dry heaving. You're good.
Olsen is dry! Repeat! We are out of puke!
- And I'm your nephew.
- Okay. You know what?
I think now you're starting to
mock me and this is harassment.
- Good bye.
- Hello?
- Hello?
I lost them, I lost them, I lost them.
And Farmer is off the phone.
Repeat. Farmer's off the phone.
Look out for Keane and my mom.
- [MRS. TROTTER] I don't understand either.
- [MRS. KEANE] Was it a survey?
[JAKE] Excuse me.
Oh, God.
I got past them, I'm in the clear!
[MIKEY OVER COMMS] The bus is moving, Jake.
The stoplight is still the
rendezvous. You're gonna make it.
[ADULT JAKE] This was it. This was it.
Victory was mine. I could taste it.
Yes. Yes.
[ALL] No!
That can't be good.
- Damn.
So, you're not gonna get
what you wanted for Christmas.
Ain't gonna lie. That's a tough one, kid.
You could give me the
Nintendo you have in your trunk.
I said you're not gonna get what
you wanted for Christmas this year.
One year, for Christmas, when I was a kid,
know what I wanted? I wanted a donkey.
A donkey. Can you believe that?
Yeah. Be kind of a weird thing to make up.
Well, I did.
All November, all December,
that's all I could think about.
All I could talk about.
Donkey this, donkey that.
How am I gonna get this donkey?
And guess what happened Christmas morning?
- You got a donkey?
- No.
Who gets a donkey?
No. I...
No. I realized that I spent
the whole Christmas season
worrying about something I wanted
and I stopped appreciating
what I already had.
Was it like a hamster or dog or something?
No, my family. My life.
You know, you only get
so many Christmases, kid.
You gotta make them count.
Hey, I bet you haven't even told somebody
"Merry Christmas" this year, have you?
All right, come on, get up.
I'll get you a cab. Come on.
Yo! Taxi!
Let's get you back with your field trip.
- Where's you headed?
- Art Institute.
Drop him off at the side door on Monroe.
- Okay?
- Got it.
Tell security you got lost.
Is there any way I can
pay you back somehow?
Nah. I fleeced your dad for that Patch.
You gotta do me a favor, though.
- What's that?
- Have a Merry Christmas.
Wake up, wake up. Is it time yet?
Is it time yet, Jake?
Let's go!
[ADULT JAKE] Ten years of
visual unwrapping experience
I could tell right away there
was no Nintendo under that tree.
Fat ladies standing by quietly
warmed their vocal chords.
Lizzy, no opening the
presents until we pass them out.
You know the rules.
Let's just get this over with.
Let's have some Christmas.
- [JOHN] three, two, one...
- Merry Christmas!
It's Christmas morning, 1988.
Opening our presents!
- Looking good.
- Merry Christmas.
[KATHY] Merry Christmas.
- Okay, hold on.
- Cheese.
[KATHY] Boop. Boop.
- [JOHN] How are you, Jake?
- Boop.
[JOHN] Cheer up!
[KATHY] Merry Christmas.
[JOHN] Thank you, honey.
[JOHN] Come on, buddy. Thumbs up.
Great, all right, cool.
[GASPING] Leg warmers.
[EXCLAIMING] What? I got a sander.
For your encyclopedia set.
And they have baseballs on them.
I see that.
A Cabbage Patch Kid!
Wow! Freckles!
I'm sorry it's not a redhead.
Thank you so much. I love you.
I love you, too.
Another great Christmas.
You know, every holiday
that I spend with you guys
is a real blessing.
I said, "Every holiday that
I spend with you guys..."
John. John!
Do you have to do that right now?
Yeah, but... You gave it to me.
Never mind, honey. I feel
like the moment just passed.
- [ADULT JAKE] And that's when I saw it.
It was the exact size and shape
of the box I'd held in my hands
not three days before.
"To Jake. From Uncle Dan."
Of course. Crazy rich Uncle Dan.
Huh. A gift from Uncle Dan.
You haven't gotten as much as
a postcard in the last three years.
Where's he living again now?
[ADULT JAKE] Japan. Japan.
Home of Nintendo.
The land where dreams come true.
Oh, God, don't mess with me now.
It's got your name on it, Jake.
[JOHN] What'd he say he was sending?
I have no idea.
Come on, come on.
It has to be. It has to be.
[ADULT JAKE] Lite-Brite?
Japanese Lite-Brite.
Wow! Lite-Brite!
- Yeah.
- Jake, that's fun.
You know, for a second there,
I thought it was a Nintendo.
[ADULT JAKE] As I slowly
tried to grasp the situation
I began to fear that I might
never recover from this.
This was a tragedy so great
that I'd never go to prom,
never go to college, never leave the house.
I'd become a 30-year-old balding
man in his parents' basement
making elaborate pictures
of Zelda on his Lite-Brite.
Christmas was dead to me now.
- Hello?
- Hey, Trotter.
- Hey.
- You didn't get one either?
- Nah, I got a Chia Pet.
- You got a Chia Pet?
The Hodges struck out, too.
Yeah, yeah. I heard about the Hodges.
They just got a new bike... to share.
Farmer says he got one, but he
also says he got a jetpack. So...
Yeah, right.
I guess we all struck out.
Well, I gotta go.
- See ya.
- See ya, man.
[ANNIE] Wait a second.
So, you didn't get one?
None of your friends got one?
What kind of a story is this?
Whose Nintendo were we even playing?
Here, come with me.
[KATHY] ...gifts for Granny
and Grandpa are in the blue bag.
We're going to Minnesota
for three days, Kathy.
You've been in our
car. I've seen you in it.
You know how big it is.
John, you're getting
a little bit of a tone.
I feel like maybe we should
leave tomorrow morning.
No. I'm not hitting traffic.
- Jake!
- What?
Hey, there's still a ton of
poop in the backyard. Okay?
So, get a shovel and pick it up.
Why? I mean, come on. Please?
It's Christmas.
Come on. Pick them up
and put them down, buddy.
- We gotta go.
- Yep.
[JOHN] Hey, start with
the ones behind the shed.
Dad! The floodlights!
[ADULT JAKE] And there,
high above the frozen dog poo
that had become the bane of my existence
was the most beautiful structure
I had ever laid my eyes on.
A tree fort.
A spectacular, solid-wood tree fort.
Oh, it was breathtaking.
It has a trapdoor!
Your dad was up all night finishing it.
No, careful by the paint!
It still looks wet.
Dad! It's awesome!
I'm gonna get the video camera.
Nah, nah.
- No?
- Nah.
Let him be.
So, Dad...
the Nintendo was here in the fort, right?
It was somewhere hidden in here?
Then how'd you get it?
I never got it as a
present. I had to work for it.
Spent a whole summer caddying
at Prairie Pines Golf Course.
Then Grandpa said I could buy my own.
But I'll tell you what, this tree fort
turned out to be a pretty great present.
It's my favorite place at
Grandma and Grandpa's.
Me, too.
[KATHY] Dinner's ready! Come on in!
Grandma! Hi, Grandma!
Hey, Mom! Didn't know you guys were back.
Well, we are.
Now get your buns in
here and give me a hug.
Smell that?
Fresh air?
Fresh air.
Hockey stick slats turned out okay, huh?
Thanks for your help.
Here. Carve your initial.
Every good craftsman leaves their mark.
That's a good spot.
There you go.
[JOHN] There, you got it. Yeah.
Not bad.
Maybe this summer we
could add a lookout tower.
[ADULT JAKE] Peacefully, my mind
unfolded all the tree fort adventures
that undoubtedly lay ahead.
Flashlight campouts
with Olsen and the Hodges
ridiculous ghost stories from Farmer
and late-night skygazing with
Trotter for Soviet spy planes.
And then a dog was crushed by a TV.
Oh, and Mom, Dad
skipped out on a field trip.
It was the most crazy
story I've ever heard.
Thank you. Crazy and exciting and amazing.
So, that was the first thing you
and Grandpa built together, right?
Yes, Annie, but I had a point.
I know your point, Dad.
I'm not getting a phone,
but Christmas can still be great.
That... Yeah, pretty much.
But you left out the best part.
Yes. Our matching purple floral boots.
Katie Sorrentino, I would never.
- [KATHY] Okay.
- Really?
Those boots were $11.99,
and I thought they looked great.
[ANNIE] No, Dad.
That was the Christmas you
and Grandpa found your thing.
Which is a miracle, too, 'cause
that man could not find anything.
Thanks, kiddo.
You think maybe we could
borrow some of his tools
and work on the fort tomorrow?
I think he'd like that.
[ADULT JAKE] Turns out John Doyle
was more than just a guy who yelled a lot
and could never quite finish the kitchen.
He was a magician.
He was a hero.
He was my dad.
Come on.
Gotta hit the road.
Don't wanna hit any traffic.
All right.
- Hey, Dad?
- Yeah?
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Jake.