$9.99 (2008) Movie Script
Taxi!
Taxi!
Excuse me,
do you have a light?
And an extra cigarette?
Thanks.
There's nothing
like a morning cigarette.
Coffee and cigarette.
You wouldn't believe
this dream I had.
I dreamt I was back home
with the missus,
and I'm sitting
in the kitchen next to her...
Taxi!
...drinking my coffee,
smoking a cigarette.
And the missus says,
"Bunny, why don't you
stay home from work today,
and we'll be together,
just the two of us, like this?"
She's not alive anymore, but...
...a coffee would be nice,
just like in the dream.
Oh...
Listen...
You can have all my money.
- I only have 50...
- Hey!
If it's not enough,
I'll go with you to an ATM,
but please don't kill me.
- I have two children.
- Man, relax.
I was just gonna ask you
for a buck for coffee.
I wasn't robbing you.
This isn't even mine.
Oh.
So, may I ask whose it is?
I don't know.
I found it under my cardboard
this morning.
You scared the shit out of me.
So... how about it, Sir?
Would you give me a buck
for a cup of coffee?
Oh, so, that's your drill.
You scare the shit out of people,
and then they're so grateful
you're not really robbing them
that they give you the money.
Mate, you got it all wrong.
Wrong, huh?
So, why the hell
did you take that gun?
Actually, I thought to myself
I'd ask the first person I saw
for a coffee and a cigarette.
And if that person said no?
Then, I might as well
join the missus.
- So, how about that coffee?
- Or what?
You'll shoot yourself?
You know, in my field,
you see a lot of manipulation.
But you?
- You're the king!
- Is that a yes?
What you're doing here is completely,
I mean, completely, unfair.
If you have to shoot yourself,
it's tragic, but...
...it has nothing to do with me.
You hear?
I'm not responsible.
You're absolutely right.
Here's what we're gonna do...
You're gonna put the gun down
and ask for that buck
like a normal...
...homeless person,
and I'll answer what I answer
with no connection to your situation
or this gun or anything else.
- Okay.
- Okay, what?
Would you...
...please... give me a dollar
for a cup of coffee?
I'm sorry.
If I give you the money,
I'll feel manipulated.
I'm just gonna go now, okay?
Okay.
Maybe tomorrow.
Thank you, anyway.
You're welcome.
This city!
Everybody is crazy!
I swear to God!
W-what's all this blood?
Are you okay?
What are you doing here?
I was cleaning the waffle maker.
What happened to the interview?
I didn't get the job.
Dave!
They said I didn't have
the necessary experience.
Is that your blood?
How much experience
do you need for telemarketing?
That's what they said.
- And what did you say?
- Thank you, anyway.
Thank you, anyway?
Didn't I tell you
that nice guys always finish last?
So... whose blood is this?
A nice guy.
I don't know his name.
I have to get to work, Dave.
Do you feel like walking me out?
Passive-aggressive!
What's not to understand?
Dad, I'm sorry about the interview.
Well, what does it even mean?
Passive,
as in "even if I live to be 100,
I'll never wash a cup."
And aggressive, as in
"I'd rather eat my own nuts
than have dinner with your parents."
Oh, the mouth on her!
She reminds me of your mother.
I really think
you should ask your brother
to put in a good word with his boss.
It just seems so embarrassing
going into peoples' homes,
taking their stuff.
You're talking
as if he's a burglar, Dave.
Repossessing is a respectable job.
Yes, still...
- Well, just think about it.
- Okay.
And, in the meantime,
I'll go over the mail, vacuum,
and cook us dinner.
How do crpes
with cream and truffles sound?
Great.
I will need 10 bucks
for truffle shavings, though.
I didn't know that truffles shaved.
Nice move!
Thank you.
Have you ever wondered,
"What's the meaning of life?
Why do we exist?"
The answer to this vexing question
is now within your reach!
You'll find it
in a small, amazing booklet,
which will explain
in easy to follow, simple terms
your reason for being!
Don't patronize me!
The booklet,
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contains illuminating,
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and can be yours
for a mere $9.99.
I'm not screaming!
Yes, you are.
I'm not!
I'm just talking very loud.
I don't get it.
I said I wanted to marry you.
No, no.
You said you're willing to marry me.
It's not that I'm against it.
I just... don't think
that it's important.
Marriage isn't important.
A baby isn't important.
A career isn't important.
What goes on in the world
isn't important.
What is important?
Marriage, kids...
Listen to yourself.
You sound like an old maid.
Ron, I am an old maid.
We don't all manage to stay 15.
Are you all right?
Yes. Why?
You've been crying.
No, it's just allergies.
I know how it is.
I have a lot of those,
especially to cats.
Not the cats themselves...
their hair, actually.
Not even their hair,
but the saliva on their hair.
It's a shame, because I
would really like to have one.
They're so cuddly.
You are crying.
Here, have a cookie.
Soccer Jack
passes from the left...
Let me help you.
I'm fine, thank you.
Hi, Dave.
Would you like a cookie?
Oh, sorry, Mr. Kweller.
I have to run to the Post Office.
So, have one for the road.
They're very good.
Thanks.
You know, I once had a cousin
who worked for the Post Office.
- He wasn't exactly my cousin...
- I'm sorry.
Maybe you can tell me
about your cousin some other time.
And that's the thing.
He wasn't really my cousin.
His grandmother
and my grandmother were sisters.
I'll have... two Sub-Zero
Mocha-Blizzard Extravaganzas,
one Coke,
and two of your Gigantic Chunky
Chocolate-Chip Surprises.
- Sure, no problem.
- Take away.
Do you want one?
They're gigantic.
$8.50 please. Thank you very much.
Can I have one more
of your Mega, Super-Sweet
Teary-Eyed Smiles?
They are really great.
Look, you seem really
nice, for a repossessor... Lenny,
but I'd rather be alone.
Why, because I'm a repossessor?
Come on.
We're not that bad.
We're just like Robin Hood,
only in reverse.
What's your name?
Sorry.
Good morning. What can I get you?
- Good morning.
- An unplanned child?
Oh, no, not him.
Mr. Kweller!
Hey, how are you doing?
Ah, you're the Pecks' boy!
I just saw your brother...
Now, Mr. Kweller,
have you met my fiance?
What did you say your name was?
Actually, we have met.
I saw her in the lift earlier.
She was crying.
Yeah, she's very emotional.
Sometimes I think
we're not gonna make it.
Are you leaving, too?
I must. Duty honks.
Say hello to your parents for me.
Sorry. I mean, to your father.
There's no need
to apologize, Mr. Kweller.
You're not the one
Mom ran away with.
- Lenny!
- Yes, Sir.
Look at him go! Pure lightning!
He turns into a... goal!
Zacky, I got you something.
Soccer Jack?!
No, not Soccer Jack,
but I'll tell you what we'll do.
Each time you finish your milk,
I'll give you 50 cents
to put in this piggy bank.
And when it's full of coins,
you'll get your what's-his-name
action figure.
Is it a deal?
I know you're disappointed now,
but I'm doing it for your sake.
How come?
Because in life,
you don't always get what you want.
You have to work hard for it.
Kids who don't learn that
grow up to be criminals
because they're used
to getting everything the easy way.
But remember, if you throw up...
...no money.
Congrats! Who's the lucky bitch?
Easy, Bisley.
Don't insult the man.
Why insult?
I meant a hot bitch.
Where?
So, when's the wedding?
No wedding. She just left.
Even better.
Just say the word,
and Drazan here
will arrange for three surfer babes
who will get in line to blow you.
Who are you?
Who am I?
Did you hear that, Stanton?
Tell the man who I am.
- Why, he's Bisley.
- Who?
King of Banana Beach.
I'm Scuba Stanton.
And this is Drazan.
We go to Uni with him.
Do you mind
not smoking in here?
Michelle's allergic.
Who the fuck is Michelle?
My fiance.
Not anymore.
Hey, can I see the ring?
Thanks.
Whoop! Hup!
Isn't she beautiful?
You really love her.
Hey, Drazan... give it here!
Yup!
Bisley 1, bitch ex-girlfriend: 0!
What the fuck are you doing?
What's eating you?
Pick up that glass now!
Or what, Lover Boy?
Relax, man. He didn't mean it.
I don't care.
He broke it, he'll pick it up.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I say let the cards decide.
Four rounds of poker.
If the big guy wins,
you make like a cleaning lady
and pick up the glass.
- And if I win?
- We'll think of something.
Hmm.
The Pecks' world-famous
crpe with cream and...
And?
And I spoke with Lenny
about the job.
That's great news.
They have a repossession
in our building tomorrow.
His boss said I can try out.
Wow, the Peck boys
riding together.
I'm telling you,
if I were 20 years younger,
I would quit my job
and come work with you.
Imagine, the three of us
in a van together.
- Well, it's only a try-out.
- I'm sure you'll do great, partner.
I ordered this book today,
about the meaning of life.
- The catalogue says...
- How much was it?
$9.99
- That's pretty cheap for nothing.
- You haven't even read it.
And I thought your mom
was the only one in the world
who believed in those catalogues.
And look where it got her.
Where?
I don't know.
You'd think she'd
at least send a postcard.
Ah, it's from the Gas Company.
Hello.
Good day.
I'm calling
for Quick-Pulse Surveys.
Do you have time
to answer a few questions?
Quick-Pulse?
That's a beautiful name.
Thank you, Sir.
Albert.
My name is Albert Kweller.
Okay.
Mr. Kweller,
how often do you travel?
Overseas or domestic?
Either.
Oh, I'm sorry,
I'm not much of a traveler.
The last time I left home
was 41 years ago.
Are the rest of your questions
about traveling, too?
I'm afraid so.
My wife
could have answered all of them.
She really loved traveling
and hiking and dancing.
Me... I can't hold a rhythm...
But my wife... well, you
should have seen her dance!
You can't, of course.
She died.
Hit by a tram.
The driver cried like a baby.
They took his tram license
off him for life.
Well, not that it matters...
They don't use trams anymore.
Well... I'm sorry
to have bothered you.
No, no.
You didn't bother me.
I really liked talking to you.
I'm a jerk, I'm a jerk, I'm a jerk.
Another round?
No more cards.
I meant beer.
Check out the hot chick on TV!
First Bank.
When it comes to banks, think First,
because life doesn't give you
a second chance.
Put the gun down!
No, don't!
I'm sorry.
I thought you were asleep.
I was.
- I had a bad dream.
- What did you dream about?
Bad things.
Enough of those
to go around lately.
Good night, son.
Dad...
Don't you ever ask yourself...
- ...about life?
- You're a good boy, Dave.
You have a big day tomorrow.
Sleep tight.
As we're nearing
the end of our broadcast,
I'd like to leave you
with this message...
Speak, and the Lord will listen.
Open your heart
and pray to the Lord,
and He will answer your prayers.
You're listening
to G OD Radio, 91.6 FM.
Good night, and God Bless.
May I? It's very windy
in your stairwell.
I think I'm getting bronchitis again.
Please come in.
Can I get you something warm?
Yeah, a 12-ounce, medium-rare
steak with chips and salad.
Or a tea.
I have Earl Grey,
peach, chamomile...
Whichever, as long as it's hot.
- Hey!
- Sorry.
Are you an angel?
No. I'm a giant talking pigeon.
Is there a God?
Is there a God?
Are you one of those atheist,
nihilistic, good-for-nothing,
left-wing Communists?
God, no!
I was just very curious about Him.
Is He tall?
I had a vision once...
Tea first, visions later.
I'm dying here.
Ron? Hi. It's me.
It's really early.
I guess you're sleeping.
I'm not.
Call me.
Bye.
Message deleted.
And there are
no poor people in heaven?
Poor people?
Everyone in heaven has a limo.
And who drives their limos?
All sorts of people.
Especially foreigners without visas.
And the houses?
How do the houses look?
Have you ever been
to the Sunshine Coast?
No.
Well, you must.
It's something else.
And heaven?
Exactly like the Sunshine Coast.
To be honest,
that's a bit disappointing.
That's because
you've never been there.
And the people?
Are they lonely?
It's a real shame
you don't have doughnuts.
The cookies aren't tasty?
Tasty?
Tasty?
It's not a matter of taste.
It's a matter of volume.
Do you want me
to go get doughnuts?
No, I wouldn't
want to impose. I'll go.
Would you happen to have 5 bucks?
Maybe 10.
I'll get cigarettes, too.
And you'll be right back?
- So help me God.
- When will you be back?
In a while.
I have some errands to run.
Good deeds and such?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Next time you try
to pull off something like this,
I'll see to it that you get fired.
Come on, Sammy.
The man was blind.
How could I take his TV?
Fuck him! He's blind!
He doesn't need a TV.
Okay, man. My mistake.
Lenny, if you want
to be a professional...
Okay, I got it.
- You know what your problem is?
- Hi, Lenny.
Who the fuck are you?
It's my brother.
You said he could come
try out with us today.
- Hi. I'm Dave.
- Did I say that?
Now, where does this loser live?
I hope
it's not someone we know.
Hey, do you know
where Marcus Portman lives?
Do you have a light?
- And a cigarette?
- Huh?
Give me a cigarette,
and I'll tell you where he lives.
And if I didn't have cigarettes,
you wouldn't tell me?
Wow, you're the sharpest tool
in the shed!
- Menthol? What are you? A woman?
- Give it back!
Hey, hey, chill out, Sammy.
It's not worth it.
Yeah, Fatso.
Listen to your friend.
Hey, kid, do you have
a real cigarette?
Sorry.
Next time we meet,
it'll be in your living room.
I'll repossess stuff
you didn't even know you had.
I'll peel off your bathroom's ceramic,
tile by tile, you hear?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, look, Sammy.
Portman, 6B.
Who is it?
Shit, it's like smoking
chewing gum.
- Am I right?
- Mm?
Do you know this man?
Didn't I tell you
not to talk to strangers?
Are you listening?
And throw that away, Zack.
It's dirty.
So, you got yourself
in big trouble, huh?
Not me. A friend.
I cosigned his loan.
A cosigner?
Man, you are in big trouble.
- Do you mind?
- No, no, no. Help yourself.
Dave?
There's also fruit
in the bottom drawer.
Eat some. It'll make the fridge
lighter on the way down.
Oh, that's very kind.
I hadn't thought of that.
Oh, it's flat.
Coke?
Can't you see I'm working?
How many inches is the screen?
Screen?
- Which screen?
- The TV screen.
In the box in the living room.
It's not mine.
It's a gift for my father.
He's turning 80.
Did you buy it?
Yes, I did, but...
My friend, if you can't pay
your debts, don't buy presents.
Excuse me.
It's Mr. Portman's dad's birthday.
Shut up.
Lenny, how about
you move your ass
and start taking things
down to the truck?
Maybe you can get your dad a book
about the meaning of life, instead.
I just ordered one.
They're not as expensive
as you'd think.
Can you please come with me
to the living room?
What's this?
It's my magic trunk.
Right!
I knew you were familiar!
You're Marcus Pokus.
You were on that TV show
with the curly-haired guy and the dog.
Tulip! Woof!
Oh, they're here. Thank you.
- Hey!
- Hey.
This isn't my microwave.
I bet yours is much nicer.
Are you from Samson Movers?
Sorry.
I can't believe how late they are.
Yeah. Never trust movers.
And repossessors?
We're always on time.
What do you think you're doing?
Alla shazam!
Alla shazoom!
Wow!
You bring that TV back
right away, you hear?!
I've already made out
a receipt for it!
- What's your name?
- Dave.
Keep an eye on this creep.
I'm going to the police.
If anything else disappears,
write it down.
With the unicorn?
No, I haven't seen that one,
but from the second I saw you,
I could tell
that you were a supermodel.
I better call again...
...to find out where my stuff is.
- Can I have your number?
- My number?
You don't even know my name.
I was gonna call you
and ask you what your name is.
I want to see him laugh
when his cell mate
decides he needs a wife.
Hey, Sammy, have you met...?
Well, you'll have to call
to find out.
Come on.
We're going to the police.
Wait! Sammy!
Oh, mate,
this is going to take us all day!
- Jeez, what's in this thing?
- Buggered if I know.
Lenny!
Wanna see a cool trick?
Drazan,
I told you a thousand times...
fart torching is very dangerous.
No, no, something else.
That's a good one!
Shh.
- Hello?
- Hi, I'm calling about the car.
Sorry. Wrong number.
Oh, sorry. Thanks.
You're welcome. Bye.
Ha ha! You thought it was her.
Don't be an ass.
Fuck her! You got us.
Here you go.
Wish your dad
a happy birthday for me.
Thanks.
Hey, Marcus!
Alla shazam!
Alla shazoom!
Excuse me, do you know
where Dave Peck lives?
I'm Dave.
Sign here, please.
Thanks.
Wow.
Wow.
You know what this book is?
Fuck off!
Thanks, Dad.
It's so simple.
Dad, I read the book.
What book?
Why are you back so early?
The book
about the meaning of life.
What's so funny?
That people always think
that there's just one meaning
when actually there are six.
Dave... look at me.
Did they fire you?
I don't think so.
Maybe.
Why? What did you do?
Nothing. I helped this guy
from the sixth floor.
Mr. Pokus.
And that's why they fired you?
Don't lie to me.
You know, the book says
that people never lie.
It's just that sometimes reality...
Stop that, all right? Stop it!
Where's Lenny?
I think he went to the police.
The police? Is he in trouble?
No, no.
It's just that he went with his boss
to press charges against Mr. Pokus.
Pokus?
That's the guy you helped.
Yes.
- Dave, did you do anything illegal?
- Maybe.
Maybe?!
No, it's nothing like that...
I don't think
I wanna hear anymore.
But...
I'm gonna take a shower.
I'm bored.
Why?
Now that you've put the queens down,
it's starting to get intriguing.
I'm depressed.
Do you want a cup of tea?
I want something exciting
to happen!
Hello.
Good evening.
I'm calling for Quick-Pulse Surveys.
Do you have the time
to answer a few questions for me?
Go for it.
Assuming there is
no substantial price difference,
would you prefer
an o zone-safe product?
No.
Are you in any way biased
against cosmetic companies
who experiment on animals?
No.
Would you consider boycotting a
company that operates sweatshops?
Guess.
No?
Oh, baby, baby, you must be
the quickest jumping-bean in the race.
Thank you.
I just have two more questions.
I have a question for you.
If I stopped eating meat,
would you hide my salami?
I'm feeling a little better.
Who is it?
- It's me.
- Lenny!
What's your name, kid?
I'm sorry. I'm not allowed
to talk to strangers.
Nice flowers, huh?
Who are they for?
Oh, this model. First date.
Model?
It's like a girl...
...only prettier.
Oh, Uni years are the best!
It's all downhill from there.
That's why you have
to be extra careful not to graduate.
I never finished.
I'm missing a couple of courses.
I told you... he's the man!
First-year Engineering
and... something else.
Engin-eer-ing.
We've got
a mid-semester exam tomorrow.
We better go study.
Engin-eer-ing.
You'll be back tomorrow, right?
You bring the beer,
we'll bring more beer.
No, I don't know
what the meaning of life is,
but whatever it is, it's not about
getting your big brother into trouble.
I didn't...
Sure, you didn't.
You should have seen Sammy
with the cops.
He didn't even have
the receipts to file charges.
- And who had the receipts?
- Listen, Lenny, you're...
Look, I know you're a good person,
but getting fucked over
by a good person hurts just the same.
How can I stay mad at someone
who makes such good cheesecake?
Dad isn't talking to me.
He's been in the shower
over an hour now.
Don't worry.
One bite of this wondercake,
and he'll forgive you.
You're not gonna finish it?
I'm supposed
to have dinner in 15 minutes.
- How do I look?
- Good.
Good enough for a supermodel?
Think positive.
Okay, I'm leaving.
Hey, you can't go
before you hear the meaning of life!
Hear it?
I'm on my way to meet it.
It's 30 seconds to full time.
The Socceroos are trailing 3-4.
All eyes are to Soccer Jack.
He's stealing the ball,
passing two defenders.
Jack is nearing the goal.
The crowd jumps to its feet!
Will he do it?
Time for bed, Zacky.
Hello?
Good evening.
I'm calling for Quick-Pulse Surveys.
Do you have the time
to answer a few questions for me?
Sure.
What is your current job?
I'm unemployed at the moment.
How would you define
your current mood?
Excellent, good, neutral,
bad, or awful?
Oh...
I guess I'm okay.
Okay?
So, I'm putting down "good."
Is there a job you
would prefer to your current job?
I'm unemployed.
Right. I'm sorry.
What job would you like to have?
I wanted to work
as a phone surveyor.
I said I was sorry.
No need to be sarcastic.
No, really.
I had a job interview
a couple of days ago.
But they said I wasn't qualified.
Trust me,
you wouldn't want this job.
But why?
I really like talking
on the phone with people,
asking them
all sorts of questions.
What's your name?
Camille.
Hi, Camille. I'm Dave.
Camille...
Can I ask you
some more questions?
Have you ever wondered
about the meaning of life?
You're funny.
No, no, seriously.
I discovered it in a book.
It's very simple.
It all began
with the very first molecule.
Listen, I would love to hear it,
but if my supervisor
catches me having a personal call,
I'll get into trouble.
But it's far from being personal.
It applies to everyone.
I guess, but I'm not sure she'll
be able to make the distinction.
It was nice talking to you.
Bye.
Bye.
Ouch, ouch! Have mercy!
Helga wins! You lose.
Another game?
No, I need time
to mourn the old guy.
Something to drink?
Excellent idea.
Helga is a grand champion.
You must...
So, you
don't believe in solids, huh?
I've been anorexic
since childhood,
but my contract with the agency
prevents me
from getting psychiatric help.
Really?
No.
Helga is a grand champion!
How do you like your steak?
Well-Done Steakhouse.
Hi, it's Tanita Sparks calling.
I'd like to order
two Carnivore Supremes.
Lenny was here.
He says hi.
He was on his way to a date.
Want a piece of cheesecake
to go with your coffee?
Maybe later.
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The panda
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Dad?
What?
Nothing.
I'm sorry, Ishmael.
The steak...
- What?
- ...was overcooked.
I was looking for a flaw in our date.
It was almost perfect.
Almost?
It's my fault.
My skin...
it's very sensitive to... stubble.
Do you have a razor?
Ready for school?
Good morning.
Good morning.
Great cake.
I'm sorry about yesterday.
It's not your fault.
Maybe you were right.
You know,
when I was in the army,
my lieutenant used to say,
"There's no such thing
as a bad soldier,
only a bad commander."
I guess the same goes for fathers.
- And husbands.
- Oh, Dad.
Raising you and your brother
after your mother left me wasn't easy.
But I'm not...
I'm not looking for excuses.
You did a great job.
I look at you and your brother...
both single,
one unemployed, the other...
I mean, I always say
repossessing is a respectable job,
but I wished higher
for the both of you.
Dad, you're not really looking
at things from the right perspective.
- Life is not about...
- Yeah, yeah. What can you do?
Your dad is old and foolish
and late for work.
I'll see you tonight.
Go on.
This is my piggy bank.
I don't know his name yet.
Every time after I drink my milk,
I get money to put in his back.
He's nothing like my other toys.
He's much calmer.
He doesn't have batteries,
and you can't fill him with water.
Well, you can,
but it's not a good idea.
Dad says he's educational because
this way I won't grow up to be a thug,
but I think the coolest thing
about him is his smile.
Look. I'll show you.
I put 50 cents in his back,
and he smiles... like this!
I put 20 cents in, and look...
he smiles exactly the same!
And now for the best part.
I'm putting no money in at all,
and... he's still smiling!
Hey, Ron.
Wait, wait!
Do I know you?
Lenny... Jim Peck's son.
You live right next door to my dad.
Have a cookie!
All right.
Wow.
It does look weird.
But what are you gonna do?
My girlfriend,
she, she likes me smooth.
You know what they say...
without love, you're nothing.
You have a girlfriend?
Fiance.
- She's sexy?
- She left me.
You know what they say...
...good things never last.
Hi there.
If I can't come to the phone,
it means I'm somewhere wonderful,
doing something really, really fun.
Leave me a message,
and I'll tell you all about it,
unless it's something really...
Did you hear that?
Hear what?
How can you people
stand living like this?
Like how?
Cooped up in these tiny flats,
hearing what's going on
with the neighbors.
This is a good-size apartment.
Wait till you see the open
luxurious spaces in heaven.
I don't mind small spaces,
but do you think that I
will get to see my wife there?
Off the record, I don't think so.
But why?
I don't know.
My wife went 10 years before me.
And since then,
I ate so much shit, I tell you...
But I did my best
to be a good person.
I was sure she went to heaven.
I had to do everything I could
to join her,
and then instead of getting
to see her, I got a pair of wings
and some perspective.
It is somewhat small.
Somewhat?
It's tighter than a sardine's asshole.
We can go up onto the roof
if you want.
The view is nice.
I used to go up there
with my wife to relax.
What are you...?
What are you thinking about?
Work.
You don't look like someone who's
thinking about hauling a refrigerator.
- You're thinking about me.
- Yep, I was thinking about you.
What about me?
I don't have the words.
I thought you always had the words.
- Me too.
- Let's start with the details, then.
What's your favorite part of my body?
Your eyes.
- That's corny!
- It's true.
This isn't working.
God, this city is ugly!
What?
You've never been to heaven,
have you?
Can you believe it?
They sent me straight here.
So, why did you say
it was just like the Sunshine Coast?
Because I've been
to the Sunshine Coast.
On my honeymoon.
Even their tap water smells nice.
Not like this skin rash of a city.
But earlier you said
it was nice up here.
Earlier I had cucumbers on my eyes.
Why don't you fly a little?
I bet it's very relaxing.
No.
People might see me.
Come on.
I'd love to see you flying.
Do it for me.
That's fine.
I bet you can't fly, anyway.
Sure I can.
I just don't want anybody to see me.
Oh, look there!
Hmm?
So, what do you like about my eyes?
You were great in Show & Tell.
I wish I knew your name.
Kweller!
Oh!
I heard you breathing
on my answering machine, you know.
You weren't home.
You were out at... great places
doing all sorts of fun things.
That was just a message.
I'm really sorry.
I want to grow up.
Don't.
You've been very helpful, Sir.
Can I go now?
Sure. You had a rough day.
Hey, buddy,
can you spare some change?
Go on, mate.
Oh, good on you, Bill.
Hey, wait! It's too much!
Where are you going?
Your driver's license...
- Excuse me, Officer.
- Yes, Sir.
I want to confess
to the murder of...
Murder?
Wow, I don't even know his name.
The angel?
That's the thing.
He wasn't really an angel.
- He was just a liar with wings.
- Whichever.
He fell from the sky.
Case closed.
I pushed him.
Sir, I've seen it
a hundred times before.
Whenever there's a corpse,
someone always feels guilty.
But I am guilty!
Are you a believer, Sir?
Yes.
I'm sure that God forgives you.
Have a good night.
Careful, Kweller!
You ready for bed?
Ah, what are you drawing?
That's you, me, and Mom
on a boat trip.
That's nice.
Dad, you're making Kweller nauseous.
He's not making any noise, Zacky.
You know what that means?
Tomorrow you'll get
your Soccer Jack action figure.
That's great, Dad.
Just put Kweller down.
You're making him feel bad.
The big moment
has arrived, Zacky.
Are you excited?
Sure.
But what's the hammer for?
Well, it's for you.
Just be careful.
Zack?
I'm careful, Dad.
- Well, break the pig open.
- Kweller?!
Kweller?
Yeah. Go on. Break it.
You deserve the doll.
You worked hard enough for it.
I don't want Soccer Jack.
Kweller is good enough.
You don't understand.
It's really okay.
It's educational.
Come on.
I'll break it for you.
Dad!
Yes, Zacky?
to put in his back,
after the milk,
and then we break him.
Tomorrow.
Another 50 cents.
For a rainy day.
Yes.
A rainy day.
Hey, you've reached Lenny's mobile.
Yeah, the brand-new, shiny model
with the car-gadget thing,
so eat your heart out...
Hey, it's Dave.
It's after 8:00, and Dad
isn't back from work yet.
It's probably nothing.
I bet he'll show up soon.
Okay, give me a call
when you get this.
Bye.
Someone left you a message.
Uh-huh.
What if it's important?
It's not.
I love touching you.
Just like a baby's bottom.
What?
Nothing.
Your eyelash.
Then, make a wish.
Lenny?
Lenny, where are you?
I'm in the bathroom.
Don't worry, Kweller.
It's only a tiny jump.
We'll do it on the count of three.
One...
Three!
Bye, Kweller.
Pigs love parks,
especially ones with lakes.
You'll be happy here.
Dad?
A package for Dave Peck.
Thanks.
- There you go.
- Thanks.
Have a nice day.
Dear Valued Customer,
Unfortunately, we
are going out of business.
Consequently,
the book you've ordered,
How to Make People Listen,
has been out of print for a while.
We're reimbursing you $9.99
and sending you a copy
of another of our wonderful books.
Swim Like A Dolphin?
Mr. Kweller,
let me help you with that.
Oh, thank you.
Where are you going?
I'm going to the Sunshine Coast.
I'm sure you'll have a good time.
Are you going
to meet someone there?
Maybe.
Is everything okay with you?
My dad's missing.
Ah, I saw him yesterday evening.
He gave his wallet
to a homeless man.
Did you see where he went?
Towards the park.
Dad!
Hi, Dave.
Come sit next to your dad.
Feed the ducks.
You were here all night?
No, no, no.
It was too cold.
I slept in a tool shed,
and in the morning
the gardener came.
He gave me some bread.
Are you okay?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I remember once your mom and I
went to the park to feed the ducks.
It was so much fun.
And now I don't feel a damn thing.
- Well, maybe the ducks...
- It's not the ducks.
It's everything.
You know, my office...
I know life is supposed
to be full of joy and sorrow.
It's just that the joy part...
Don't say that.
Let's just do something fun.
- Like what?
- Anything!
There are a million
fun things to do!
Name one.
Oh, Smoothies.
"Take the edges out of your life
with Dr. Nabotny's revolutionary...
...bone...
...removal system.
This almost painless technique
will smooth..."
Painless? Ha!
I wouldn't say painless.
You're such a ninny, Max.
You're a tough motherfucker now,
but I bet when they took out
your ribcage, you cried like a baby.
The skull is the worst.
They pull it through
one of the nostrils, you know.
No, I didn't realize that, no.
If you're stressing out
about the nostril bit
and you're not
a cheap, whiny wuss,
you can pay a little extra,
and they just zap it out with a laser.
- Hmm.
- Yeah?
But even with the laser
and everything,
why would anyone want to do that?
Love.
Back and forth,
like a whip through the water.
Aw, son...
I don't think it's working.
No, Dad, I think you
just need to loosen your knees
and breathe through the nose.
Come on. Try it.
Don't you have
in one of these books of yours
something a little less physical?
Yeah, well, I have the one
on the meaning of life.
I can read from it for you.
Oh.
Breathe through the nose.
- Wings?
- Yes!
But he fell like a ton of bricks.
You would think someone with wings
wouldn't have that problem.
You don't believe me?
Hon, can you get the cheese?
Oh, yeah. Those little matchboxes
where you kept your eye drops
fell when I took the butter out.
- So I threw them away.
- What, the beers?
No, not the beers, silly.
- The bottles you kept in the...
- All three cases?
Aargh!
- The guys will kill me.
- Which guys will kill you?
They were imported from Belgium.
Ron, I'm sure they weren't beers.
- They were eye drops.
- How do you know?!
Did you taste them?
Ron, have you
been smoking pot again?
One small joint.
A really... really small joint.
All three cases?
Yup.
And she really
called you "a delusional fucker"?
- I've never seen her that angry.
- One expensive lay.
I hope it was worth it.
Fuck the beers.
At least now she's gone for good.
It calls for a party.
Hey D.J., put something good on!
Ooh, hmm.
Whoo!
- Oh, did you see that?
- Yeah!
That wasn't bad!
- Hi.
- Hi.
I missed you.
Taxi!
Excuse me,
do you have a light?
And an extra cigarette?
Thanks.
There's nothing
like a morning cigarette.
Coffee and cigarette.
You wouldn't believe
this dream I had.
I dreamt I was back home
with the missus,
and I'm sitting
in the kitchen next to her...
Taxi!
...drinking my coffee,
smoking a cigarette.
And the missus says,
"Bunny, why don't you
stay home from work today,
and we'll be together,
just the two of us, like this?"
She's not alive anymore, but...
...a coffee would be nice,
just like in the dream.
Oh...
Listen...
You can have all my money.
- I only have 50...
- Hey!
If it's not enough,
I'll go with you to an ATM,
but please don't kill me.
- I have two children.
- Man, relax.
I was just gonna ask you
for a buck for coffee.
I wasn't robbing you.
This isn't even mine.
Oh.
So, may I ask whose it is?
I don't know.
I found it under my cardboard
this morning.
You scared the shit out of me.
So... how about it, Sir?
Would you give me a buck
for a cup of coffee?
Oh, so, that's your drill.
You scare the shit out of people,
and then they're so grateful
you're not really robbing them
that they give you the money.
Mate, you got it all wrong.
Wrong, huh?
So, why the hell
did you take that gun?
Actually, I thought to myself
I'd ask the first person I saw
for a coffee and a cigarette.
And if that person said no?
Then, I might as well
join the missus.
- So, how about that coffee?
- Or what?
You'll shoot yourself?
You know, in my field,
you see a lot of manipulation.
But you?
- You're the king!
- Is that a yes?
What you're doing here is completely,
I mean, completely, unfair.
If you have to shoot yourself,
it's tragic, but...
...it has nothing to do with me.
You hear?
I'm not responsible.
You're absolutely right.
Here's what we're gonna do...
You're gonna put the gun down
and ask for that buck
like a normal...
...homeless person,
and I'll answer what I answer
with no connection to your situation
or this gun or anything else.
- Okay.
- Okay, what?
Would you...
...please... give me a dollar
for a cup of coffee?
I'm sorry.
If I give you the money,
I'll feel manipulated.
I'm just gonna go now, okay?
Okay.
Maybe tomorrow.
Thank you, anyway.
You're welcome.
This city!
Everybody is crazy!
I swear to God!
W-what's all this blood?
Are you okay?
What are you doing here?
I was cleaning the waffle maker.
What happened to the interview?
I didn't get the job.
Dave!
They said I didn't have
the necessary experience.
Is that your blood?
How much experience
do you need for telemarketing?
That's what they said.
- And what did you say?
- Thank you, anyway.
Thank you, anyway?
Didn't I tell you
that nice guys always finish last?
So... whose blood is this?
A nice guy.
I don't know his name.
I have to get to work, Dave.
Do you feel like walking me out?
Passive-aggressive!
What's not to understand?
Dad, I'm sorry about the interview.
Well, what does it even mean?
Passive,
as in "even if I live to be 100,
I'll never wash a cup."
And aggressive, as in
"I'd rather eat my own nuts
than have dinner with your parents."
Oh, the mouth on her!
She reminds me of your mother.
I really think
you should ask your brother
to put in a good word with his boss.
It just seems so embarrassing
going into peoples' homes,
taking their stuff.
You're talking
as if he's a burglar, Dave.
Repossessing is a respectable job.
Yes, still...
- Well, just think about it.
- Okay.
And, in the meantime,
I'll go over the mail, vacuum,
and cook us dinner.
How do crpes
with cream and truffles sound?
Great.
I will need 10 bucks
for truffle shavings, though.
I didn't know that truffles shaved.
Nice move!
Thank you.
Have you ever wondered,
"What's the meaning of life?
Why do we exist?"
The answer to this vexing question
is now within your reach!
You'll find it
in a small, amazing booklet,
which will explain
in easy to follow, simple terms
your reason for being!
Don't patronize me!
The booklet,
printed on the finest paper,
contains illuminating,
exquisite color pictures
and can be yours
for a mere $9.99.
I'm not screaming!
Yes, you are.
I'm not!
I'm just talking very loud.
I don't get it.
I said I wanted to marry you.
No, no.
You said you're willing to marry me.
It's not that I'm against it.
I just... don't think
that it's important.
Marriage isn't important.
A baby isn't important.
A career isn't important.
What goes on in the world
isn't important.
What is important?
Marriage, kids...
Listen to yourself.
You sound like an old maid.
Ron, I am an old maid.
We don't all manage to stay 15.
Are you all right?
Yes. Why?
You've been crying.
No, it's just allergies.
I know how it is.
I have a lot of those,
especially to cats.
Not the cats themselves...
their hair, actually.
Not even their hair,
but the saliva on their hair.
It's a shame, because I
would really like to have one.
They're so cuddly.
You are crying.
Here, have a cookie.
Soccer Jack
passes from the left...
Let me help you.
I'm fine, thank you.
Hi, Dave.
Would you like a cookie?
Oh, sorry, Mr. Kweller.
I have to run to the Post Office.
So, have one for the road.
They're very good.
Thanks.
You know, I once had a cousin
who worked for the Post Office.
- He wasn't exactly my cousin...
- I'm sorry.
Maybe you can tell me
about your cousin some other time.
And that's the thing.
He wasn't really my cousin.
His grandmother
and my grandmother were sisters.
I'll have... two Sub-Zero
Mocha-Blizzard Extravaganzas,
one Coke,
and two of your Gigantic Chunky
Chocolate-Chip Surprises.
- Sure, no problem.
- Take away.
Do you want one?
They're gigantic.
$8.50 please. Thank you very much.
Can I have one more
of your Mega, Super-Sweet
Teary-Eyed Smiles?
They are really great.
Look, you seem really
nice, for a repossessor... Lenny,
but I'd rather be alone.
Why, because I'm a repossessor?
Come on.
We're not that bad.
We're just like Robin Hood,
only in reverse.
What's your name?
Sorry.
Good morning. What can I get you?
- Good morning.
- An unplanned child?
Oh, no, not him.
Mr. Kweller!
Hey, how are you doing?
Ah, you're the Pecks' boy!
I just saw your brother...
Now, Mr. Kweller,
have you met my fiance?
What did you say your name was?
Actually, we have met.
I saw her in the lift earlier.
She was crying.
Yeah, she's very emotional.
Sometimes I think
we're not gonna make it.
Are you leaving, too?
I must. Duty honks.
Say hello to your parents for me.
Sorry. I mean, to your father.
There's no need
to apologize, Mr. Kweller.
You're not the one
Mom ran away with.
- Lenny!
- Yes, Sir.
Look at him go! Pure lightning!
He turns into a... goal!
Zacky, I got you something.
Soccer Jack?!
No, not Soccer Jack,
but I'll tell you what we'll do.
Each time you finish your milk,
I'll give you 50 cents
to put in this piggy bank.
And when it's full of coins,
you'll get your what's-his-name
action figure.
Is it a deal?
I know you're disappointed now,
but I'm doing it for your sake.
How come?
Because in life,
you don't always get what you want.
You have to work hard for it.
Kids who don't learn that
grow up to be criminals
because they're used
to getting everything the easy way.
But remember, if you throw up...
...no money.
Congrats! Who's the lucky bitch?
Easy, Bisley.
Don't insult the man.
Why insult?
I meant a hot bitch.
Where?
So, when's the wedding?
No wedding. She just left.
Even better.
Just say the word,
and Drazan here
will arrange for three surfer babes
who will get in line to blow you.
Who are you?
Who am I?
Did you hear that, Stanton?
Tell the man who I am.
- Why, he's Bisley.
- Who?
King of Banana Beach.
I'm Scuba Stanton.
And this is Drazan.
We go to Uni with him.
Do you mind
not smoking in here?
Michelle's allergic.
Who the fuck is Michelle?
My fiance.
Not anymore.
Hey, can I see the ring?
Thanks.
Whoop! Hup!
Isn't she beautiful?
You really love her.
Hey, Drazan... give it here!
Yup!
Bisley 1, bitch ex-girlfriend: 0!
What the fuck are you doing?
What's eating you?
Pick up that glass now!
Or what, Lover Boy?
Relax, man. He didn't mean it.
I don't care.
He broke it, he'll pick it up.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I say let the cards decide.
Four rounds of poker.
If the big guy wins,
you make like a cleaning lady
and pick up the glass.
- And if I win?
- We'll think of something.
Hmm.
The Pecks' world-famous
crpe with cream and...
And?
And I spoke with Lenny
about the job.
That's great news.
They have a repossession
in our building tomorrow.
His boss said I can try out.
Wow, the Peck boys
riding together.
I'm telling you,
if I were 20 years younger,
I would quit my job
and come work with you.
Imagine, the three of us
in a van together.
- Well, it's only a try-out.
- I'm sure you'll do great, partner.
I ordered this book today,
about the meaning of life.
- The catalogue says...
- How much was it?
$9.99
- That's pretty cheap for nothing.
- You haven't even read it.
And I thought your mom
was the only one in the world
who believed in those catalogues.
And look where it got her.
Where?
I don't know.
You'd think she'd
at least send a postcard.
Ah, it's from the Gas Company.
Hello.
Good day.
I'm calling
for Quick-Pulse Surveys.
Do you have time
to answer a few questions?
Quick-Pulse?
That's a beautiful name.
Thank you, Sir.
Albert.
My name is Albert Kweller.
Okay.
Mr. Kweller,
how often do you travel?
Overseas or domestic?
Either.
Oh, I'm sorry,
I'm not much of a traveler.
The last time I left home
was 41 years ago.
Are the rest of your questions
about traveling, too?
I'm afraid so.
My wife
could have answered all of them.
She really loved traveling
and hiking and dancing.
Me... I can't hold a rhythm...
But my wife... well, you
should have seen her dance!
You can't, of course.
She died.
Hit by a tram.
The driver cried like a baby.
They took his tram license
off him for life.
Well, not that it matters...
They don't use trams anymore.
Well... I'm sorry
to have bothered you.
No, no.
You didn't bother me.
I really liked talking to you.
I'm a jerk, I'm a jerk, I'm a jerk.
Another round?
No more cards.
I meant beer.
Check out the hot chick on TV!
First Bank.
When it comes to banks, think First,
because life doesn't give you
a second chance.
Put the gun down!
No, don't!
I'm sorry.
I thought you were asleep.
I was.
- I had a bad dream.
- What did you dream about?
Bad things.
Enough of those
to go around lately.
Good night, son.
Dad...
Don't you ever ask yourself...
- ...about life?
- You're a good boy, Dave.
You have a big day tomorrow.
Sleep tight.
As we're nearing
the end of our broadcast,
I'd like to leave you
with this message...
Speak, and the Lord will listen.
Open your heart
and pray to the Lord,
and He will answer your prayers.
You're listening
to G OD Radio, 91.6 FM.
Good night, and God Bless.
May I? It's very windy
in your stairwell.
I think I'm getting bronchitis again.
Please come in.
Can I get you something warm?
Yeah, a 12-ounce, medium-rare
steak with chips and salad.
Or a tea.
I have Earl Grey,
peach, chamomile...
Whichever, as long as it's hot.
- Hey!
- Sorry.
Are you an angel?
No. I'm a giant talking pigeon.
Is there a God?
Is there a God?
Are you one of those atheist,
nihilistic, good-for-nothing,
left-wing Communists?
God, no!
I was just very curious about Him.
Is He tall?
I had a vision once...
Tea first, visions later.
I'm dying here.
Ron? Hi. It's me.
It's really early.
I guess you're sleeping.
I'm not.
Call me.
Bye.
Message deleted.
And there are
no poor people in heaven?
Poor people?
Everyone in heaven has a limo.
And who drives their limos?
All sorts of people.
Especially foreigners without visas.
And the houses?
How do the houses look?
Have you ever been
to the Sunshine Coast?
No.
Well, you must.
It's something else.
And heaven?
Exactly like the Sunshine Coast.
To be honest,
that's a bit disappointing.
That's because
you've never been there.
And the people?
Are they lonely?
It's a real shame
you don't have doughnuts.
The cookies aren't tasty?
Tasty?
Tasty?
It's not a matter of taste.
It's a matter of volume.
Do you want me
to go get doughnuts?
No, I wouldn't
want to impose. I'll go.
Would you happen to have 5 bucks?
Maybe 10.
I'll get cigarettes, too.
And you'll be right back?
- So help me God.
- When will you be back?
In a while.
I have some errands to run.
Good deeds and such?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Next time you try
to pull off something like this,
I'll see to it that you get fired.
Come on, Sammy.
The man was blind.
How could I take his TV?
Fuck him! He's blind!
He doesn't need a TV.
Okay, man. My mistake.
Lenny, if you want
to be a professional...
Okay, I got it.
- You know what your problem is?
- Hi, Lenny.
Who the fuck are you?
It's my brother.
You said he could come
try out with us today.
- Hi. I'm Dave.
- Did I say that?
Now, where does this loser live?
I hope
it's not someone we know.
Hey, do you know
where Marcus Portman lives?
Do you have a light?
- And a cigarette?
- Huh?
Give me a cigarette,
and I'll tell you where he lives.
And if I didn't have cigarettes,
you wouldn't tell me?
Wow, you're the sharpest tool
in the shed!
- Menthol? What are you? A woman?
- Give it back!
Hey, hey, chill out, Sammy.
It's not worth it.
Yeah, Fatso.
Listen to your friend.
Hey, kid, do you have
a real cigarette?
Sorry.
Next time we meet,
it'll be in your living room.
I'll repossess stuff
you didn't even know you had.
I'll peel off your bathroom's ceramic,
tile by tile, you hear?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, look, Sammy.
Portman, 6B.
Who is it?
Shit, it's like smoking
chewing gum.
- Am I right?
- Mm?
Do you know this man?
Didn't I tell you
not to talk to strangers?
Are you listening?
And throw that away, Zack.
It's dirty.
So, you got yourself
in big trouble, huh?
Not me. A friend.
I cosigned his loan.
A cosigner?
Man, you are in big trouble.
- Do you mind?
- No, no, no. Help yourself.
Dave?
There's also fruit
in the bottom drawer.
Eat some. It'll make the fridge
lighter on the way down.
Oh, that's very kind.
I hadn't thought of that.
Oh, it's flat.
Coke?
Can't you see I'm working?
How many inches is the screen?
Screen?
- Which screen?
- The TV screen.
In the box in the living room.
It's not mine.
It's a gift for my father.
He's turning 80.
Did you buy it?
Yes, I did, but...
My friend, if you can't pay
your debts, don't buy presents.
Excuse me.
It's Mr. Portman's dad's birthday.
Shut up.
Lenny, how about
you move your ass
and start taking things
down to the truck?
Maybe you can get your dad a book
about the meaning of life, instead.
I just ordered one.
They're not as expensive
as you'd think.
Can you please come with me
to the living room?
What's this?
It's my magic trunk.
Right!
I knew you were familiar!
You're Marcus Pokus.
You were on that TV show
with the curly-haired guy and the dog.
Tulip! Woof!
Oh, they're here. Thank you.
- Hey!
- Hey.
This isn't my microwave.
I bet yours is much nicer.
Are you from Samson Movers?
Sorry.
I can't believe how late they are.
Yeah. Never trust movers.
And repossessors?
We're always on time.
What do you think you're doing?
Alla shazam!
Alla shazoom!
Wow!
You bring that TV back
right away, you hear?!
I've already made out
a receipt for it!
- What's your name?
- Dave.
Keep an eye on this creep.
I'm going to the police.
If anything else disappears,
write it down.
With the unicorn?
No, I haven't seen that one,
but from the second I saw you,
I could tell
that you were a supermodel.
I better call again...
...to find out where my stuff is.
- Can I have your number?
- My number?
You don't even know my name.
I was gonna call you
and ask you what your name is.
I want to see him laugh
when his cell mate
decides he needs a wife.
Hey, Sammy, have you met...?
Well, you'll have to call
to find out.
Come on.
We're going to the police.
Wait! Sammy!
Oh, mate,
this is going to take us all day!
- Jeez, what's in this thing?
- Buggered if I know.
Lenny!
Wanna see a cool trick?
Drazan,
I told you a thousand times...
fart torching is very dangerous.
No, no, something else.
That's a good one!
Shh.
- Hello?
- Hi, I'm calling about the car.
Sorry. Wrong number.
Oh, sorry. Thanks.
You're welcome. Bye.
Ha ha! You thought it was her.
Don't be an ass.
Fuck her! You got us.
Here you go.
Wish your dad
a happy birthday for me.
Thanks.
Hey, Marcus!
Alla shazam!
Alla shazoom!
Excuse me, do you know
where Dave Peck lives?
I'm Dave.
Sign here, please.
Thanks.
Wow.
Wow.
You know what this book is?
Fuck off!
Thanks, Dad.
It's so simple.
Dad, I read the book.
What book?
Why are you back so early?
The book
about the meaning of life.
What's so funny?
That people always think
that there's just one meaning
when actually there are six.
Dave... look at me.
Did they fire you?
I don't think so.
Maybe.
Why? What did you do?
Nothing. I helped this guy
from the sixth floor.
Mr. Pokus.
And that's why they fired you?
Don't lie to me.
You know, the book says
that people never lie.
It's just that sometimes reality...
Stop that, all right? Stop it!
Where's Lenny?
I think he went to the police.
The police? Is he in trouble?
No, no.
It's just that he went with his boss
to press charges against Mr. Pokus.
Pokus?
That's the guy you helped.
Yes.
- Dave, did you do anything illegal?
- Maybe.
Maybe?!
No, it's nothing like that...
I don't think
I wanna hear anymore.
But...
I'm gonna take a shower.
I'm bored.
Why?
Now that you've put the queens down,
it's starting to get intriguing.
I'm depressed.
Do you want a cup of tea?
I want something exciting
to happen!
Hello.
Good evening.
I'm calling for Quick-Pulse Surveys.
Do you have the time
to answer a few questions for me?
Go for it.
Assuming there is
no substantial price difference,
would you prefer
an o zone-safe product?
No.
Are you in any way biased
against cosmetic companies
who experiment on animals?
No.
Would you consider boycotting a
company that operates sweatshops?
Guess.
No?
Oh, baby, baby, you must be
the quickest jumping-bean in the race.
Thank you.
I just have two more questions.
I have a question for you.
If I stopped eating meat,
would you hide my salami?
I'm feeling a little better.
Who is it?
- It's me.
- Lenny!
What's your name, kid?
I'm sorry. I'm not allowed
to talk to strangers.
Nice flowers, huh?
Who are they for?
Oh, this model. First date.
Model?
It's like a girl...
...only prettier.
Oh, Uni years are the best!
It's all downhill from there.
That's why you have
to be extra careful not to graduate.
I never finished.
I'm missing a couple of courses.
I told you... he's the man!
First-year Engineering
and... something else.
Engin-eer-ing.
We've got
a mid-semester exam tomorrow.
We better go study.
Engin-eer-ing.
You'll be back tomorrow, right?
You bring the beer,
we'll bring more beer.
No, I don't know
what the meaning of life is,
but whatever it is, it's not about
getting your big brother into trouble.
I didn't...
Sure, you didn't.
You should have seen Sammy
with the cops.
He didn't even have
the receipts to file charges.
- And who had the receipts?
- Listen, Lenny, you're...
Look, I know you're a good person,
but getting fucked over
by a good person hurts just the same.
How can I stay mad at someone
who makes such good cheesecake?
Dad isn't talking to me.
He's been in the shower
over an hour now.
Don't worry.
One bite of this wondercake,
and he'll forgive you.
You're not gonna finish it?
I'm supposed
to have dinner in 15 minutes.
- How do I look?
- Good.
Good enough for a supermodel?
Think positive.
Okay, I'm leaving.
Hey, you can't go
before you hear the meaning of life!
Hear it?
I'm on my way to meet it.
It's 30 seconds to full time.
The Socceroos are trailing 3-4.
All eyes are to Soccer Jack.
He's stealing the ball,
passing two defenders.
Jack is nearing the goal.
The crowd jumps to its feet!
Will he do it?
Time for bed, Zacky.
Hello?
Good evening.
I'm calling for Quick-Pulse Surveys.
Do you have the time
to answer a few questions for me?
Sure.
What is your current job?
I'm unemployed at the moment.
How would you define
your current mood?
Excellent, good, neutral,
bad, or awful?
Oh...
I guess I'm okay.
Okay?
So, I'm putting down "good."
Is there a job you
would prefer to your current job?
I'm unemployed.
Right. I'm sorry.
What job would you like to have?
I wanted to work
as a phone surveyor.
I said I was sorry.
No need to be sarcastic.
No, really.
I had a job interview
a couple of days ago.
But they said I wasn't qualified.
Trust me,
you wouldn't want this job.
But why?
I really like talking
on the phone with people,
asking them
all sorts of questions.
What's your name?
Camille.
Hi, Camille. I'm Dave.
Camille...
Can I ask you
some more questions?
Have you ever wondered
about the meaning of life?
You're funny.
No, no, seriously.
I discovered it in a book.
It's very simple.
It all began
with the very first molecule.
Listen, I would love to hear it,
but if my supervisor
catches me having a personal call,
I'll get into trouble.
But it's far from being personal.
It applies to everyone.
I guess, but I'm not sure she'll
be able to make the distinction.
It was nice talking to you.
Bye.
Bye.
Ouch, ouch! Have mercy!
Helga wins! You lose.
Another game?
No, I need time
to mourn the old guy.
Something to drink?
Excellent idea.
Helga is a grand champion.
You must...
So, you
don't believe in solids, huh?
I've been anorexic
since childhood,
but my contract with the agency
prevents me
from getting psychiatric help.
Really?
No.
Helga is a grand champion!
How do you like your steak?
Well-Done Steakhouse.
Hi, it's Tanita Sparks calling.
I'd like to order
two Carnivore Supremes.
Lenny was here.
He says hi.
He was on his way to a date.
Want a piece of cheesecake
to go with your coffee?
Maybe later.
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Dad?
What?
Nothing.
I'm sorry, Ishmael.
The steak...
- What?
- ...was overcooked.
I was looking for a flaw in our date.
It was almost perfect.
Almost?
It's my fault.
My skin...
it's very sensitive to... stubble.
Do you have a razor?
Ready for school?
Good morning.
Good morning.
Great cake.
I'm sorry about yesterday.
It's not your fault.
Maybe you were right.
You know,
when I was in the army,
my lieutenant used to say,
"There's no such thing
as a bad soldier,
only a bad commander."
I guess the same goes for fathers.
- And husbands.
- Oh, Dad.
Raising you and your brother
after your mother left me wasn't easy.
But I'm not...
I'm not looking for excuses.
You did a great job.
I look at you and your brother...
both single,
one unemployed, the other...
I mean, I always say
repossessing is a respectable job,
but I wished higher
for the both of you.
Dad, you're not really looking
at things from the right perspective.
- Life is not about...
- Yeah, yeah. What can you do?
Your dad is old and foolish
and late for work.
I'll see you tonight.
Go on.
This is my piggy bank.
I don't know his name yet.
Every time after I drink my milk,
I get money to put in his back.
He's nothing like my other toys.
He's much calmer.
He doesn't have batteries,
and you can't fill him with water.
Well, you can,
but it's not a good idea.
Dad says he's educational because
this way I won't grow up to be a thug,
but I think the coolest thing
about him is his smile.
Look. I'll show you.
I put 50 cents in his back,
and he smiles... like this!
I put 20 cents in, and look...
he smiles exactly the same!
And now for the best part.
I'm putting no money in at all,
and... he's still smiling!
Hey, Ron.
Wait, wait!
Do I know you?
Lenny... Jim Peck's son.
You live right next door to my dad.
Have a cookie!
All right.
Wow.
It does look weird.
But what are you gonna do?
My girlfriend,
she, she likes me smooth.
You know what they say...
without love, you're nothing.
You have a girlfriend?
Fiance.
- She's sexy?
- She left me.
You know what they say...
...good things never last.
Hi there.
If I can't come to the phone,
it means I'm somewhere wonderful,
doing something really, really fun.
Leave me a message,
and I'll tell you all about it,
unless it's something really...
Did you hear that?
Hear what?
How can you people
stand living like this?
Like how?
Cooped up in these tiny flats,
hearing what's going on
with the neighbors.
This is a good-size apartment.
Wait till you see the open
luxurious spaces in heaven.
I don't mind small spaces,
but do you think that I
will get to see my wife there?
Off the record, I don't think so.
But why?
I don't know.
My wife went 10 years before me.
And since then,
I ate so much shit, I tell you...
But I did my best
to be a good person.
I was sure she went to heaven.
I had to do everything I could
to join her,
and then instead of getting
to see her, I got a pair of wings
and some perspective.
It is somewhat small.
Somewhat?
It's tighter than a sardine's asshole.
We can go up onto the roof
if you want.
The view is nice.
I used to go up there
with my wife to relax.
What are you...?
What are you thinking about?
Work.
You don't look like someone who's
thinking about hauling a refrigerator.
- You're thinking about me.
- Yep, I was thinking about you.
What about me?
I don't have the words.
I thought you always had the words.
- Me too.
- Let's start with the details, then.
What's your favorite part of my body?
Your eyes.
- That's corny!
- It's true.
This isn't working.
God, this city is ugly!
What?
You've never been to heaven,
have you?
Can you believe it?
They sent me straight here.
So, why did you say
it was just like the Sunshine Coast?
Because I've been
to the Sunshine Coast.
On my honeymoon.
Even their tap water smells nice.
Not like this skin rash of a city.
But earlier you said
it was nice up here.
Earlier I had cucumbers on my eyes.
Why don't you fly a little?
I bet it's very relaxing.
No.
People might see me.
Come on.
I'd love to see you flying.
Do it for me.
That's fine.
I bet you can't fly, anyway.
Sure I can.
I just don't want anybody to see me.
Oh, look there!
Hmm?
So, what do you like about my eyes?
You were great in Show & Tell.
I wish I knew your name.
Kweller!
Oh!
I heard you breathing
on my answering machine, you know.
You weren't home.
You were out at... great places
doing all sorts of fun things.
That was just a message.
I'm really sorry.
I want to grow up.
Don't.
You've been very helpful, Sir.
Can I go now?
Sure. You had a rough day.
Hey, buddy,
can you spare some change?
Go on, mate.
Oh, good on you, Bill.
Hey, wait! It's too much!
Where are you going?
Your driver's license...
- Excuse me, Officer.
- Yes, Sir.
I want to confess
to the murder of...
Murder?
Wow, I don't even know his name.
The angel?
That's the thing.
He wasn't really an angel.
- He was just a liar with wings.
- Whichever.
He fell from the sky.
Case closed.
I pushed him.
Sir, I've seen it
a hundred times before.
Whenever there's a corpse,
someone always feels guilty.
But I am guilty!
Are you a believer, Sir?
Yes.
I'm sure that God forgives you.
Have a good night.
Careful, Kweller!
You ready for bed?
Ah, what are you drawing?
That's you, me, and Mom
on a boat trip.
That's nice.
Dad, you're making Kweller nauseous.
He's not making any noise, Zacky.
You know what that means?
Tomorrow you'll get
your Soccer Jack action figure.
That's great, Dad.
Just put Kweller down.
You're making him feel bad.
The big moment
has arrived, Zacky.
Are you excited?
Sure.
But what's the hammer for?
Well, it's for you.
Just be careful.
Zack?
I'm careful, Dad.
- Well, break the pig open.
- Kweller?!
Kweller?
Yeah. Go on. Break it.
You deserve the doll.
You worked hard enough for it.
I don't want Soccer Jack.
Kweller is good enough.
You don't understand.
It's really okay.
It's educational.
Come on.
I'll break it for you.
Dad!
Yes, Zacky?
to put in his back,
after the milk,
and then we break him.
Tomorrow.
Another 50 cents.
For a rainy day.
Yes.
A rainy day.
Hey, you've reached Lenny's mobile.
Yeah, the brand-new, shiny model
with the car-gadget thing,
so eat your heart out...
Hey, it's Dave.
It's after 8:00, and Dad
isn't back from work yet.
It's probably nothing.
I bet he'll show up soon.
Okay, give me a call
when you get this.
Bye.
Someone left you a message.
Uh-huh.
What if it's important?
It's not.
I love touching you.
Just like a baby's bottom.
What?
Nothing.
Your eyelash.
Then, make a wish.
Lenny?
Lenny, where are you?
I'm in the bathroom.
Don't worry, Kweller.
It's only a tiny jump.
We'll do it on the count of three.
One...
Three!
Bye, Kweller.
Pigs love parks,
especially ones with lakes.
You'll be happy here.
Dad?
A package for Dave Peck.
Thanks.
- There you go.
- Thanks.
Have a nice day.
Dear Valued Customer,
Unfortunately, we
are going out of business.
Consequently,
the book you've ordered,
How to Make People Listen,
has been out of print for a while.
We're reimbursing you $9.99
and sending you a copy
of another of our wonderful books.
Swim Like A Dolphin?
Mr. Kweller,
let me help you with that.
Oh, thank you.
Where are you going?
I'm going to the Sunshine Coast.
I'm sure you'll have a good time.
Are you going
to meet someone there?
Maybe.
Is everything okay with you?
My dad's missing.
Ah, I saw him yesterday evening.
He gave his wallet
to a homeless man.
Did you see where he went?
Towards the park.
Dad!
Hi, Dave.
Come sit next to your dad.
Feed the ducks.
You were here all night?
No, no, no.
It was too cold.
I slept in a tool shed,
and in the morning
the gardener came.
He gave me some bread.
Are you okay?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I remember once your mom and I
went to the park to feed the ducks.
It was so much fun.
And now I don't feel a damn thing.
- Well, maybe the ducks...
- It's not the ducks.
It's everything.
You know, my office...
I know life is supposed
to be full of joy and sorrow.
It's just that the joy part...
Don't say that.
Let's just do something fun.
- Like what?
- Anything!
There are a million
fun things to do!
Name one.
Oh, Smoothies.
"Take the edges out of your life
with Dr. Nabotny's revolutionary...
...bone...
...removal system.
This almost painless technique
will smooth..."
Painless? Ha!
I wouldn't say painless.
You're such a ninny, Max.
You're a tough motherfucker now,
but I bet when they took out
your ribcage, you cried like a baby.
The skull is the worst.
They pull it through
one of the nostrils, you know.
No, I didn't realize that, no.
If you're stressing out
about the nostril bit
and you're not
a cheap, whiny wuss,
you can pay a little extra,
and they just zap it out with a laser.
- Hmm.
- Yeah?
But even with the laser
and everything,
why would anyone want to do that?
Love.
Back and forth,
like a whip through the water.
Aw, son...
I don't think it's working.
No, Dad, I think you
just need to loosen your knees
and breathe through the nose.
Come on. Try it.
Don't you have
in one of these books of yours
something a little less physical?
Yeah, well, I have the one
on the meaning of life.
I can read from it for you.
Oh.
Breathe through the nose.
- Wings?
- Yes!
But he fell like a ton of bricks.
You would think someone with wings
wouldn't have that problem.
You don't believe me?
Hon, can you get the cheese?
Oh, yeah. Those little matchboxes
where you kept your eye drops
fell when I took the butter out.
- So I threw them away.
- What, the beers?
No, not the beers, silly.
- The bottles you kept in the...
- All three cases?
Aargh!
- The guys will kill me.
- Which guys will kill you?
They were imported from Belgium.
Ron, I'm sure they weren't beers.
- They were eye drops.
- How do you know?!
Did you taste them?
Ron, have you
been smoking pot again?
One small joint.
A really... really small joint.
All three cases?
Yup.
And she really
called you "a delusional fucker"?
- I've never seen her that angry.
- One expensive lay.
I hope it was worth it.
Fuck the beers.
At least now she's gone for good.
It calls for a party.
Hey D.J., put something good on!
Ooh, hmm.
Whoo!
- Oh, did you see that?
- Yeah!
That wasn't bad!
- Hi.
- Hi.
I missed you.