A Bad Idea Gone Wrong (2017) Movie Script

- The tropical places, you
know, that's the go-to,
get your white sands and your
blue water,
and your fuckin' guava trees
and whatever,
and it makes a beautiful
postcard, but I burn.
And I can't, you know,
it's just not,
it's not relaxing to
me if I got my Mai tai
and my pina-umbrella-whatever
and I forget to put on my
SPF infinity,
sweater in a bottle,
and then the next day,
I can't wipe my own
ass without discomfort,
exceptional discomfort.
And then, I gotta stay
outta the sun
and deal with all that bullshit,
and what's the point
of being in the tropics
if you gotta act like some
fuckin' nerd on summer break
reading a hobbit book
in his bedroom.
So a more temperate climate,
that's what I'm lookin'
for from this,
from a getaway standpoint.
What about you?
- It'd be nice to meet somebody.
- What? You know, just somebody
new, get unstuck.
- That's kind of a lot
to pin on a,
I'm just sayin', I was talking about a more
temperate climate and you're talkin' about
some measure of human
emotion, one of which,
by the way, you can find
on a map.
- We're just talking here,
- Sure. Well, you're goin'
off like we just pulled
some master diamond heist.
- I'm just saying eventually...
- haven't even found a place...
- we are looking, right?
There's the check cashing
place we talked about.
Mm, that's a rough crowd,
something goes wrong, it
goes all the way wrong.
The flower shop...
No, she's nice, and I met
her daughter that one time,
so that makes it really...
- you shouldn't have been
shopping there.
- I was casing the joint!
- You could've cased
the fuckin' Louvre
for the amount of time
you spent there!
- She has nice eyes and she
found her passion in flowers,
and I don't wanna rob her!
Some people have no
idea what they wanna do
with their lives and she...
- fine, fine, I get it!
- Besides, I found the place.
- I found the flower shop.
- No, I mean, the place.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, it's perfect.
- Is it this place?
- What?
- Oh, man, yeah, this
is like Pulp Fiction!
- What shitty part of
Pulp Fiction
would this possibly be like?
- You know, the opening part
with, uh,
honey bunny and pumpkin and, uh,
"any of you fucking pricks move,
"I'm gonna execute every
motherfuckin' last one of ya!"
- Shh, Jesus!
- Yeah, yeah, I'm into it, let's
do it!
- What are we gonna rob the
diner with,
our fuckin' coffee spoons?
We should at least order the steak and eggs
first so we have knives!
- You guys ready to order?
- Yeah, I'll have the, uh, steak
and eggs.
- What is the
finest item on your menu?
- Ooh, uh, my favorite is
the chocolate chip pancakes.
Super tasty.
- Eh.
- You don't like pancakes?
- No, it's just, uh,
that's my ex-fiancee's favorite,
kind of a loaded menu
option for me.
Um, the Denver omelet, thanks.
- Wow.
- What, I don't want chocolate
chip pancakes, so what?
It's breakfast, not dessert.
- Perfect, say that.
- Do you wanna hear about the place or
do you wanna be my fuckin' life coach?
It's a house, I know how
to get in.
I know there's valuable jewelry,
and I know that they're
gone all week.
- Which week?
- This week, now.
- Holy shit, this is
real, this is really real!
- There is one part, um,
it's in a gated community,
so there's a guard and a gate
and a fence around the whole
thing, so.
I know how to get in the house,
I just don't know how to get to
the house.
- Well, I do.
We'd like to order a pizza,
- For here or to go?
- For delivery.
- We're here.
- And that's how you do it.
This is for you, my good man.
- Dude!
- You get the other half
when you pick us up.
- Ah, this is bullshit!
At least pay for the pizza, man!
This is all the way
the hell out here,
how am I gonna account
for this on the books?
- Fine!
Now, remember, this address,
plus a sausage, mushroom,
and anchovy pizza.
That's the code to come
pick us up.
- Yeah, the address is fine.
I mean, no one's gonna come... whoa, whoa,
let's not get our signals crossed here, ok?
Just stick to the plan.
- Whatever!
- Whoa, hey, whoa.
You know, since we paid for it.
- What if there's no
- There is!
- How do you know?
- Because I know,
we wouldn't be here
if there wasn't a hide-a-rock.
- Then why haven't you found it?
- Because it looks like a
fuckin' rock!
That's the beauty of its design!
- I've got no bars, why
would you pay all this money
to live up in a place
with no bars?
I have to call the pizza
guy from inside, I guess.
That'll actually make it seem
more legit.
Yeah, the caller ID shows this
address, the guy picks us up.
Nothin' funny about that,
nothin' to pin it to us.
It's almost too perfect.
- Yeah? I was saying we have to
call the pizza guy from...
- I heard you.
Hear that?
What was that?
- Don't move.
It's an alarm.
- Shit, I didn't know
about the alarm.
- It's ok, just there
might be motion detectors.
- Like lasers?
- Maybe, or infrared.
You know, everything gives
off infrared heat, even ice?
- That's fucking fascinating,
do you know what
you're doing there?
- Yeah, getting it.
- What does that mean,
you're getting it?
- I've established a pattern,
and I'm working within the
confines of that pattern
to decipher the, oh!
- Incorrect, system armed!
- Armed, you just armed it?
So now we have to break out of
the house we just broke into?
- I mean, if anything, it proves
that the pattern was right.
I just went in the wrong
direction with it, right?
If I reverse...
- no, don't touch it!
It's fuckin' armed!
- I know, I'm going to unarm it!
- No, you're not, you're gonna
set it off,
and then the guard's gonna
be here in six seconds,
cops are gonna be
right behind him,
and then we're gonna be
stuck here with nowhere to go
because we're in the middle
of a giant gated,
fenced-in cage!
- Ok, yeah, it's not ideal,
but it's not a problem.
There's a code
and it's written down
somewhere in this house,
maybe on their computer,
in an email
from the security company
or somethin' like that.
We just take our time, find the
code while we rob the place,
and then skedaddle,
clean and easy.
- What about the
motion detectors?
- No motion detectors.
Good find!
- Huh?
- This place is swanky!
- It's ok.
- Ok, look at this!
- What is it?
- This is art, they have
art hanging on the walls.
That's some ritzy people shit!
We're gonna score
huge on this job.
- Uh, what are you doing?
- Stealing this,
it looks expensive.
- We're not gonna steal a bowl.
We need small things that
we can fit in our bags.
- Or in a pizza box, right?
We could put a painting in here.
Let's eat this fast so the
box doesn't get all sweaty.
- What the fuck?
- What?
- You just ruined that rug,
look at that!
Show some respect!
- We are robbing this place.
- We don't have to rub their
faces in it!
I mean, shit!
That's a nice rug!
- Ok, I-i don't know, I'm sorry?
I don't know what's going on
right now.
Yeah, it's ruined.
- What? Office, where would you
keep a code?
- I don't know,
I don't have an office.
- Computer!
Oh, maybe it's in a
drawer or something.
- Hey, why don't we
just go out the window.
- No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no!
Sensor, my sister has one of
these get ups at her house.
Try to smoke a little weed at
the end
of a stressful day
with the family,
suddenly, the whole damn
neighborhood's awake
and they have questions
about your life's decisions.
- Where are you going?
11:11. No, come on, we have
to find the.
- Hand me that phone.
- You can't just skip this one?
- It takes a minute.
It's 11:11,
time for
the impossible question!
You guys know the deal,
but it's fun to say it!
$104,800, that's what
we're up to,
it's been 524 days since
a good soul has won.
Twice a day, every day at 11:11,
we pose the impossible question!
The generous folks
at black bear markets
add another hundred dollars
to the kitty.
Ya call with a correct answer
within 22 seconds, and you win
it all!
It would be so simple
if it weren't impossible!
- So phone's ready.
- Here it comes.
- What the fuck?
- Shh!
What were the last words
of the first man to
commit suicide
by jumping off
the golden gate bridge?
- Come on, that's just!
- Oh, wait, you don't
wanna hear the answer?
- Some asshole is gonna win,
and then the next day,
I'm gonna know the answer,
and then only win a
hundred damn dollars!
I believe I'd take
to a clock tower.
- Wonder how cold that water is.
- Huh?
- Those would be
cool last words.
You say, "I wonder how cold
that water is," and then.
- Come on, let's rob this place.
Who the fuck is that?
- I don't know.
- You said no one was here!
- She's not the person
who lives here.
- How do you know?
- Because I did my research.
- Then why wasn't
she in your research?
- She doesn't live here!
- Well who the fuck is that!
- I don't know!
- Fuck!
- We gotta cut bait, just get
out of here.
- Out of where? Out of the house,
just go, problem solved.
- We can't, the alarm.
Ah, we take a chair,
and we shove
it under the doorknob.
- And then what?
- She's stuck!
- So she'll call for help.
- Like on the phone
or out the window?
- W-what does that matter?
- Uh, ok.
Ha, hmm, we have to tie her up.
- What?
- Look, we need time!
We don't have time
if she finds us.
If she wakes up, she's going to
find us.
So, we have to tie her up.
Here we go!
Yeah, ok, we'll use that.
- What about our faces,
she can't see our faces.
Ok, we wrap her in the sheet
and just tape the
shit out of her.
- Why are we
wrapping her in the sheet?
- This is duct tape, man.
- So? So it's gonna
rip her fuckin' skin off!
We're burglars, not assholes.
- Fine, you go high, I go low.
- Sorry!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Sorry, sorry!
- Shut up!
- Help!
- It's ok, we're just
taping you!
- Help! Shut up, no one can hear you!
- Don't be a dick about it,
but he's right,
no one can hear you.
You good?
- Yeah.
- What the hell?
- Dah, my leg!
- What? You taped my left,
cut me loose.
- Ok.
Will you hold still?
- I'm not doing anything, he's...
- I'm trying to kick free!
- You can't
kick free, I have to cut,
- Don't hurt me, don't hurt me!
- Wh, oh, we're not
gonna hurt you,
we're just gonna
steal some stuff
and then we're gonna, oh shit!
- What?
- My mask!
- I told you not to hog the
saran wrap!
- I didn't see anything.
- Look at yours, still on!
- I didn't hog it,
it, there just wasn't
enough to go around my...
- bullshit, you were wrapping
your head
like you were shippin'
it overseas!
- I didn't see your face,
just take whatever you want.
I don't care, I'm, I'm
just the house sitter.
- Yes, you did see my face,
you were looking right at me!
- I don't remember, just
vaguely Chinese, that's all.
- Chinese?
- Dude!
- Turn around, Doug!
- Whatever you're looking for, it's all
in a secret hiding spot, I know that.
All the valuables, a computer,
uh, I don't, just everything.
- Where?
- I don't know, I just heard
them talking.
- Ok, you stay here, let's go.
- We should put her back
in the bed.
- I'm fine.
- She's fine!
- No, come on, it's,
we might be a while.
- Really, I'm fine.
- What's your name?
- Darcy.
- Darcy, there's really
no reason
for you to be uncomfortable.
Come on.
- Jesus Christ!
- Good?
- Yeah.
- Shout if you need anything.
- But be fuckin' quiet about it.
What are you the concierge?
- She saw my face, she can
identify me,
so I want her to feel as
good as she possibly can
about this whole experience.
W-why are you calling me
by my middle name in there?
You know how much I hate that.
- What are you talking about?
- You called me Doug!
- I didn't know that was your
middle name.
- Yes, you did.
I told you that, wait.
- Ok, now that I look at
it, I may have over-applied.
- So, we have a hostage now.
- Yeah, I know, it is not
ideal, her being here.
- No, it's not ideal.
- No, it is a problem,
but she solves our
two other problems.
- How?
- She knows the code.
- That's true. And we know all the great
stuff is in a secret hiding spot
we wouldn't be
looking for otherwise.
So, all we have to do is find
the spot,
steal the stuff, get the
code, and order our pizza.
- We can do that.
- Hell, yes, we can do that.
- What are you doing?
- There could be one of
those Scooby-doo deals,
where the little thing,
you know.
This is too much stuff!
- Let's start over here.
- Why in the hell would someone
keep a box of blankets
in the garage?
What's the practical
use in that?
You're in bed, you're cold,
you come out to the even
colder garage to get a blanket?
- Eh, I don't know. I know you don't know,
because you wouldn't do that,
because it's a
stupid thing to do!
That's the one percent
in action right there!
This is why our country's
in the shitter!
Hey, now!
If that's not a secret
hidin' spot!
- Oh, it's locked.
- Exactly, because there's
valuable stuff in here.
- Hey, whoa, no!
- What? You're gonna break
everything inside!
- But it's locked!
- So, we'll find the key.
- But we just found this!
- Perfect, so we're on a roll.
This house is just too damn
big, that's the real problem.
- Yeah, if you're robbing
it, but if you're
living here, it's
probably pretty nice.
- It's ostentatious!
I mean, if they were just
a little more humble,
we wouldn't have so many
rooms to look through.
I mean, what is this?
The fucking parlor room or
conservatory, it's like clue!
- Niagara Falls.
- Yeah.
- Did you know Niagara Falls
is actually three
different falls,
horseshoe falls, bridal veil...
- did you move anything here?
- What?
- Uh, was there any other stuff?
- No, I just turned it on.
- Well, did you
put it there, though,
eh, in the center like that?
- No, it was just there.
- By itself?
- Yeah, and then I turned
it on, what's your deal?
- What are you doing?
- I'm taking this, we haven't
found shit.
This fits in my bag, it's
gotta be worth something.
- It's just a lamp.
- Yeah, but it's old and cool!
You've seen those shows
where people find weird stuff
and it turns out to be
worth a bundle.
I saw this one where this
guy had an old spittoon,
turned out to belong
to some famous cowboy
or somethin', $100,000.
- Cowboys didn't have lamps.
- It doesn't have
to be a cowboy,
that's not the important part.
It's just that, generally, old
things are,
you know, can be, uh, um.
I don't know
all the specific rules,
but this is old and
funky and you never know!
- Uh, I do, ehm.
I'm telling you, it's worth
a couple hundred bucks.
Maybe three by now, maybe.
- Well, we'll see.
- It is.
- You say.
- I don't say, I know.
- How?
- Because I bought it.
- You have one of these,
I haven't seen it.
- No, this one, I bought it,
and we can't take it.
- Why would a lamp
that you bought
be in a house
that we're robbing?
Who's house is this?
- Jessica's.
- Oh,
you have got to let it go!
So, what,
you've been stalking her?
- No!
- But you know where she lives.
- That's just Facebook.
- You're still Facebook friends
with her?
So you've just been
stalking her online?
- That's not stalking,
that's what Facebook is for.
- How did you
know where the key was?
- We usedta' live together,
she loves the hide-a-rock.
She, she used to
give it to everyone,
every housewarming gift
ever was a hide-a-rock.
She thinks it's the height
of human innovation.
- So what exactly was
your plan here?
- To rob the place.
- Why?
- Why?
We've been talkin'
about it forever,
so I found a good place!
- No, you found a
terrible place!
I wanted to rob someplace cool,
not your ex-fiancee's new
fiance's house.
- It's a good place.
There's jewelry,
- Diamonds, she has diamonds?
- A diamond, for sure.
- Wait, are we just here to
steal back your engagement ring?
- She shouldn't have kept it.
- Holy shit!
- She shouldn't have, and she
knows it!
- Why didn't you just
ask for it back?
- There was a lot goin' on!
We both wanted the Cuisinart,
we had a big argument
about who put down
the security deposit.
- You've gotta be kidding me!
- Neither of us even
thought about the ring,
and then I did, and I thought,
well, if I realize it,
then she realizes it,
and she'll bring it back soon.
And then she didn't,
and then I thought,
well, maybe that
means something.
Maybe she's not ready to let go,
and then she got engaged,
and then that was
the last straw.
- This is the saddest heist
in the long,
storied history of crime.
- No, it's not,
it's the perfect crime!
I get my ring back,
you get to steal his
stupid rich guy's stuff.
- Except that.
- That's not his, that's
hers, I gave that to her.
- Even better,
you get it back, too.
- No, look, she kept it, here.
In her house, with her fiancee,
on a table all by itself.
Don't you see?
I'm still here!
She's still has a thing for me.
- She doesn't have a
thing for you,
she has a thing for this thing.
This thing is nice!
- I'm nice!
- She's engaged to another guy.
- She can still change her mind.
I know this.
- So she kept your
ring, and she kept your lamp,
so she's gonna get back together
with you?
- Maybe.
- Maybe?
What about the girl up there?
- Who?
- The girl we just taped
up, the house sitter!
- I don't know, what about her?
- She's a friend and she's seen
your face.
So, you and Jessica are
gonna get back together
and you're gonna run into
her and she's gonna be like,
"oh, do you know Leo?"
"Oh, yeah, he tied me up in
your bedroom that one time!"
- Guys?
- She's not the quiet type.
- Hey, guys?
- Come on!
- Guys!
- That's not quiet shouting,
that's regular, loud shouting.
- Sorry, I really
have to go to the bathroom.
- Would you stop it?
- Does it look ok?
- It's fine.
- Ok.
- She has to go to the bathroom.
- How bad?
- Pretty bad.
- Ok, let's, um,
let's tear a little hole
in the sheet around her, uh...
- I'm not doing
that, that's super rapey!
- That's not rapey, it's,
we're being courteous!
Ok, you have to go
to the bathroom?
That's no one's fault.
We appreciate that you,
uh, didn't soil the bed.
That shows a lot of respect.
Not towards us, specifically,
but just, you know,
general respect towards humankind
and, uh, societal norms.
So that's a good trust-building
move, am I right?
- Sure. Ok, so, you showed
some respect,
we will do likewise and un-tape
you, ok?
- Yes, please. But just to go to the
bathroom, that's it.
So you can tend to your needs.
Then, we'll tape you back up.
- I understand.
- Ok, Doug, let's.
Oh, it's tearing the sheet a
little here.
- See, the sheets were my idea.
Didn't wanna tear up your skin.
- Thank you.
- Oh, it was nothing.
Anyone would've, I mean,
he didn't.
- Hey!
- But really, anyone.
- Whoa!
- What?
- I'm not dressed!
- Well, you're not
undressed, you're
wearin' underwear.
- Well, still, that's not the...
- we've already seen you.
- Well, I'd prefer that
you did not see me again!
- I don't know if this helps,
but you really shouldn't
have any body shame.
- What? I-I'm just saying, you're
overall fitness seems high.
Whatever work you're doing
is really paying off.
You should be super proud of
the, uh...
- Ok!
- Results.
- That's enough.
You're in your underwear, you
have to go to the bathroom.
Those are just two facts, deal
with 'em!
We don't care,
we're not perverts.
We're thieves, ok?
No, let's go!
There's a window, so, uh,
we're going in with you.
- Why?
- So you don't run away.
- I'm not gonna run away,
I'm in my underwear!
- Who cares, Cindy birdsong
jumped out of a moving vehicle
on the long beach
freeway to avoid capture.
A little panty dash is nothin'.
- Who is Cindy birdsong?
- One of the Supremes.
- Why do you know that? 'Cause
I'm an educated person, come on!
- What, both of you?
- Fine, I'll go.
- Ok, because I have to go
number two.
- Fine, we'll flip for it.
- Heads.
- Hey, um,
you can have a little
bit of dignity anyhow.
Let's see, what else?
That'll help a little, but you
gotta give me the mercy flush.
- What? Just, well, as soon as it,
you know,
hits the water, just
get rid of it, flush it.
Now is now the time
for water conservation.
- Ok. Let's see, she normally
has a lavender,
people have lavender spray, so.
You do that, and I'll use these,
and that'll, uh, mask any of,
uh, maybe turn on the shower.
- Why?
- Just to cover up any noises.
Ok, good.
Uh, do you feel good?
- Uh, yeah.
- Good, um, uhn,
get to it, I guess.
My name's not Doug,
just so you know.
Doesn't matter what
my real name is,
I just don't like Doug.
Don't want you thinkin'
of me as a Doug.
We actually probably have stuff
in common.
Friends, maybe, even, like, the
point is,
it's a small world, that's all
I'm sayin'.
Hey, the system's workin'
well, though, isn't it?
I haven't, I wouldn't even know
that yeh!
- You guys ok in there?
- Marlon, Marlon!
- Stay there!
- Don't hurt him!
- You fuckers are letting me go!
- Ok, yes, just stay calm!
- I am calm, I will calmly
choke your friend to death!
- No, no, no, don't,
don't, don't, look, look!
He's fading, he's just, just let
us out,
and we'll go away, it'll be
like this never happened!
- Ok, all right, just let me go!
- Ok, yes, just let us out!
- Ok!
Wait, what, let you out?
What are you talking about?
The alarm, just let us out
and we'll be fuckin' gone!
- The alarm's off!
- No, we armed it,
it was an accident,
so just type in the
code, and we'll be gone
and that's that, I swear!
- I saw, I saw clouds,
people made of clouds,
and they were goin'...
- it's ok, it's ok,
you're all right.
You're all right, we're
gettin' out of here.
- You armed it?
- I was establishing a pattern.
What's wrong?
- I don't know the code.
- Why not?
- I'm not the house sitter.
- Why would a pet need a taxi?
- It's a thing, ok?
People wanna get their
dogs to the groomers
or off to the kennel before they
go away.
- One-percenters, man.
- Yeah, they will throw
down for their pets.
It's crazy, I don't mean
that like a figure of speech,
I mean like!
I've seen a dog with a
collar that cost 500 bucks.
Can you believe that shit?
500 American for a dog collar!
- So you pick up the dog
and take it to the kennel,
why would they give you a key?
- They didn't.
- Hide-a-rock?
- What?
- How did you get in?
- I picked the lock.
You ok?
- Sorry, it's just, that's
really cool.
What's your deal?
- She has a dog?
I always wanted a dog,
but she wouldn't let us.
Now, fucking dog?
- Wait, do you guys know
these people?
- His ex-fiancee.
- Shut up! That is crazier
than a $500 dog collar!
- No, it's not, I'm just here
to get back my engagement ring.
- Wait, she kept the ring?
What a cunt!
- Hey, whoa, no,
she is not a cunt!
- Are you sure about that,
because that's a straight-up
cunt move.
- Yes, I'm sure.
Pretty sure.
- Wait, so don't take this the
wrong way,
But I'm not really getting a master
cat burglar vibe from you guys.
- You don't know us!
- I know that you turned on
the security system somehow.
- I was establishing a pattern.
How did you know it wasn't
armed in the first place, huh?
Did you just waltz in, pick
the lock, that's reckless!
- Because I saw them not arm it!
I came to pick up the dog,
they were hustling about,
he was like, "uh, do you need
to put anything in the spot?"
And she was like, "um, my
laptop," and then he was like,
"uh, it's already in
there," and then they left,
locked the door, no alarm,
it's somethin' I look for.
- Something you look for?
- Yeah.
- Why?
- So I don't get arrested.
- Wait, this is, like, a thing
you do?
- Yeah, I mean, they're gone.
My apartment's a dump, and
they've got laundry and HBO.
It's like a fucking
resort in these places!
Until now.
Now, it's all stressful.
Now I need a drink.
- Where are you going?
- Wine! Wait, uh, we need
to figure out
How we're going to
get out of here.
Ok, they're not gonna be
home for a couple of days.
I believe I have time for a
glass of wine.
- In the old days,
that alarm code
would've been our anniversary.
- You guys had an alarm
in that shitty apartment?
- God, no, but she used our
anniversary for everything.
It was her pin number,
her bank password.
If we hadn't broken up, I
could've gotten us out of here.
- If you hadn't broken
up, we wouldn't be here.
- Even better.
It's like she's still
finding new ways to hurt me.
- What are you looking for?
- The dusty ones, they've been
keeping those the longest,
so that means they're good.
Then you just pack
out the bottle,
they assume that they drank it
and forgot.
I mean, that's the
beauty of booze.
It makes things fuzzy.
What'd you get?
- Zinfandel.
- Ah, Primativo, that's its
other name.
You learn.
- Sangee-oh-vice.
- Sangiovese, blood of Jove,
it's the only grape named after
a god.
- That's good.
- Come on, let us go be gods!
- Hmm!
I stole money from the
collection plate at church.
- I told a guy that
I was pregnant
and let him believe
it for three days.
- I kissed my step-mom.
She was asleep.
- Did she wake up?
- Yeah.
- Ok, you win.
- Do I, though?
- No.
Mm, mm, this is tasty?
- Which?
- Uh, Le poof Le puff,
the, uh French.
Oh, uh, sorry, what's your name?
- Marlon. Marlon, it's the other one.
Wait, Marlon?
- Yeah.
- Like the fish?
- No, like Marlon Brando.
- Oh, it's funny, I never
think of the fish with him.
I guess because it's never just
Marlon, it's Marlon Brando.
What's your last name?
- It's, uh...
- don't tell her your last name,
you shouldn't have told
her your first name!
- I told you mine.
- Did you?
- Yes, it's Darcy.
- Is it?
- The fuck, dude, yes!
Why would I lie about that?
- 'Cause you're a liar,
because you break into
people's houses.
That's not trustworthy behavior.
- You guys broke in.
- No, we used the key.
- You're robbing the place.
- Not yet, we haven't taken
anything yet.
- Clearly, you intend to,
you're gonna take that lamp.
You've been carrying it around
with you from room to room.
It's as good as gone!
- No, we're not taking it.
I'm carrying it around to
keep him from taking it,
so that just goes to show what
you know.
- Did you know Niagara Falls is
three separate falls,
bridal veil...
- stop it, Jesus!
You lug around all this
useless trivia, and for what?
- Hold on, at least I
know real stuff!
You're the world's
leading expert in a woman
that doesn't even
love you anymore!
So, when are you gonna
put that to good use?
- When we're back together.
- It's a, it's a cool lamp,
- Yeah, have you ever been?
- Niagara Falls?
- It's a lot of water, an
impossible amount of water.
It's inevitable.
It just keeps coming and coming,
and the noise, it's,
you don't even hear it.
It's not like something
else anymore,
it's just,
it's the only thing there is.
It's terrifying.
And then someone holds your hand
and her skin
and the air,
and this noise.
It's everything, you know,
You've got it all in your hand.
It's the happiest we ever were,
and she's kept me here with her,
you see?
So I'm staying.
The lamp stays.
I'm going to look for that key.
- So, uh, your folks, Marlon
Brando fans?
- Marlon Jackson,
the Jackson 5.
- That's, uh, not,
Michael, Jermaine, Tito, Jackie.
Michael, Jermaine, Tito, Jackie.
- Marlon.
- Marlon.
You should never tell
anybody that ever again.
- Oh, I was just trying it on.
- What?
- It's nice, I was just.
- Is it Jessica's?
I don't care,
you should take it.
Looks nice on you.
- Did you find anything?
- No.
I just thought, five
years we were together,
maybe there'd be one
picture of me.
- Well, maybe he's the
jealous type.
I mean, dudes don't
really wanna see photos
of ex-boyfriend's lying around.
- Ex-fiancee.
- Even worse!
She's pretty.
Look at this guy!
His face is too big
for his head.
So yeah, he definitely
doesn't wanna see photos of you.
That's the kind of guy
who names his dog Fido.
- What?
- Yeah, they named
their dog Fido, no shit.
Like straight out of a
comic book or something.
- That wh, was my name!
- Wait, so it's not Doug, it's...
- that's what I was gonna name
our dog
She wouldn't let us get! I always told her,
"wouldn't that be funny?"
It's like, everyone thinks
of that as a dog's name,
but no one actually names their
dog that.
Here, Fido!
It'd be fuckin' hilarious!
- It'd be a unique cliche,
in canine form.
- See, you get it.
- Hello, beautiful!
- That motherfucker's
got a dog named Fido,
and he doesn't even know why!
- Dumb shit! Yeah, oh, maybe you don't
have any pictures of me
in your house, but you're
runnin' around sayin',
"mm, here, Fido, come, Fido!"
Might as well be balls
deep in your old lady, man!
- He's your cuckold!
- What's that?
- It's where one guy watches the
other guy
have sex with his girl
and likes it.
- That's a thing?
- Yeah.
Mm, don't judge, it's too easy.
You know, you find something
that makes you feel good,
that's hard to come by.
- When you, you choked me...
- yeah, I'm sorry about that,
- it's, it's ok, I just, I'm,
right at the end there,
just as I was starting
to black out,
it was the most euphoric thing
I've ever felt in my life.
- Does that mean stop?
Was it ok?
- It was amazing.
- I wanna try.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, definitely.
- Uh, well, maybe
we should have a safe word,
you know, like when you want me
to stop,
you say rutabaga or whatever.
- How am I gonna say rutabaga
if you're choking me?
- Rooabegguh.
- How 'bout I just
squeeze your wrist
really quick, like this?
- Kay, you ready?
- I have HBO.
- What?
- At my apartment,
I have HBO and laundry.
- Ok.
- Ok.
- Good morning.
- Hey.
- That was quite a thing, huh?
- Uh, thing?
- Uh, I just mean, you know.
- What, I don't know,
what's a thing?
- Uh, a night, I guess.
- Oh, yeah, definitely
was a night, ok, yep.
- What are you,
what are you doing?
- I'm just trying to,
there we go.
Get my underwear.
- Did i...
- hmm?
- Is something wrong?
- Um, I just,
I, I shouldn'ta done that.
- It's ok, it's ok, I mean,
things got kinda wild, but...
- no, it's not ok.
Um, this is Jessica's bed,
and I shouldn't be having sex
with someone else in
Jessica's bed.
- Well, I mean, she has sex
with someone else in this bed.
- Don't make it gross!
This, it was disrespectful,
and I shouldn't have done that
to her.
- I don't mean to nitpick here,
but you didn't do anything
to her.
You did a lot of things to me.
- Uh, oh.
- What are you doing?
- Uh, we need to wash
these sheets.
- Oh, Jesus!
- What, that's just
common courtesy.
- No, you just fucked
me six ways to Sunday!
Common courtesy is to
buy me breakfast!
- I'm sorry, I-i didn't mean to
fuck you.
It was an accident.
- Well, that was
a long, drawn-out accident!
- Yeah, sorry.
You found the computer.
- I did.
- Why are you wearing a robe?
- Because Jessica's fiancee
has terrible toilet aim.
I can't find the code,
by the way.
I'm looking for hours,
found a lot of other stuff,
but no alarm code.
Whatta you been up to?
- Um, fell asleep, the wine,
you know.
I-is this all the jewelry
you found?
- Why, do you wanna add it
to the jewelry you found?
- No, it's just, uh, my ring's
not here.
- Maybe she got rid of it.
- What's that mean?
- You know, sold it,
gave it away.
Threw it in the ocean.
- Wh-wh-why-wh,
what's this?
- Diary.
- Jessica's?
- Yeah.
- How do you know,
did you read it?
- I'm looking for the code.
- Morning, anyone
want breakfast?
I'm buying!
- I'm not in here at, at all!
- I noticed that.
- I mean, I didn't expect
to be on every page,
but maybe one mention
would be nice, you know.
"I thought of Leo today
in passing,
"he's a person that I remember."
- Yep, some people just
aren't much for history.
- Hold on, there's gotta be at
least one.
- You looked stressed, you
want some tomato juice?
- Yeah, did I tell you that?
- Tell me what?
- That tomato juice
calms me down.
- Come on, man!
Oh, 11:11!
- $104,900,
that's what we're up to.
It's been 525 days since our
last winner,
twice a day, every day,
at 11:11,
we pose the impossible question!
And the good, kind folks
as black bear markets
add another hundred dollars
- to the kitty.
- Shh!
- Call with
the answer within 22 seconds
and that kitty's all yours.
It's so simple
if it weren't impossible,
so phones at the ready.
Here it comes, other
than Elvis Presley, who...
- turn it off!
Turn it off, turn it off!
- What the fuck!
- One calendar year?
- The fuck is wrong
with you people?
- 10 seconds left.
- Shh!
- God! Other than Elvis Presley, who
outlived his twin brother at childbirth
and went on to have
four number one singles
in one calendar year?
- Marlon Jackson,
it's Marlon Jackson!
It's ringing!
- And time is up!
- Fuck!
- The answer, Marlon Jackson
of the Jackson 5!
- Oh, shit!
Brandon died at childbirth,
and the Jackson 5 had four
number one hits in 1970.
I want you back,
ABC, the love you save, and I'll
be there.
- They're coming home.
- Where are they now?
- I don't know, she
posted this an hour ago.
Headed home early, I wonder
what happened?
- Who cares! Why are you creeping on
her Facebook like that?
- I am not Cree, that's
irrelevant to the situation, ok?
They're coming home, here, now!
- Where were they?
- I don't know.
- Hawaii.
- Creeper! Don't ke, all right.
You're the creeper, always
breakin' into houses,
tryin' on people's lives
'cause you don't like your own.
- My life is fine.
I just do it for the thrill.
- Well, I had a real life once
and it was pretty
fuckin' thrilling.
- Ok, look.
Hawaii is a long flight.
They have to get their
baggage, there's the cab ride.
We've got some time.
- To do what, we either get
caught by her,
or we trip the alarm and
get caught by the cops!
- I choose the cops.
- Are you serious?
- If we get caught by her,
she's gonna call the
cops, it all ends in cops!
- Not if we talk our way
out of it.
- How am I gonna talk my way out
of it?
She knows me, intimately!
Oh, so, am I like,
"hey, Jessica,
"wow, what are you doin' here?
"We're just trying to
rob this place,
"small world after all, huh?"
- Ok, so we hide you in the
fish and I do the talking.
- Actually, uh,
she knows me, too.
She hates me.
- Ok, so we hide both of you.
- Fine, so say that you spin
a real silver-tongued yarn
and they let you go, how do we
get out?
- I don't care.
- She is not a good person!
I mean, I know it's not
easy to be a good person
when times are tough,
but that's how you know
if you're a good person in
the first place, you know?
- Yeah, I d-do, that, I used to,
I know exactly what you mean.
- Let's go make a plan.
We dig, under and out.
- I don't think we have that
kinda time.
- Ok, um,
we set a fire.
- Where?
- In the house.
- In the fireplace?
- No, we set the house on fire.
Lots of smoke, confusion,
and then we slip away
under the, uh, cover of chaos.
- Or we die in a
terrible house fire!
- Ok.
Then same idea, no fire.
- What's a fireless fire?
- We just go, trip the alarm,
and, uh, hide in the trees.
- Ok. Cops come, look around,
think it's a false alarm,
and then, uh, we get outta here.
- All right, that's progress,
but we're still inside the gate.
The whole community is fenced
in, we're like zoo animals.
- So we just climb the fence.
- Ok, uh, if we can,
that would put us inside
another gated community.
- I, who are these people
trying to protect
themselves from, each other?
Other marauding gangs of Volvo
drivers we don't know about?
- We need the code.
- I've looked everywhere.
- Well, maybe it's in
the garage, that lockbox?
- No.
- You found the key?
- No, it wasn't, um, with the
other keys.
I haven't seen it, so it
probably just, you know.
- Just what?
- I don't know.
- Well, might as well
look for it.
It might be our only hope.
- Yeah, ok.
What are you doing?
- If we open the doors of the
rooms we've already searched,
then we know we've
already been there.
- We're looking for a tiny
key or a four-digit code.
Do you think that you searched
these rooms
well enough to just walk away...
- I'm working in broad strokes.
- Ok, fine, I don't.
- Whoa, what the fuck?
Whoa, watch the door!
- What the fuck is going on?
- Who did this?
- How did they get in here?
- No, no, no!
- What the fuck is
going on here?
- Just leave it, leave me!
- We're not gonna leave you! I'll be fine,
just worry about yourself!
- Who did this?
- How did they get in?
- Nobody!
- Who?
- How many? Nobody did it, there's
nobody here!
- There's nobody here?
- No.
- Then who tied you up?
- I did.
- So you were just gonna
sell us up the river?
- Don't get pissed off at me
just because I had a plan!
- How'd you tie yourself
up like that?
- That's not the point, Marlon!
- She picks locks, she ties
herself up in elaborate knots!
You don't find that a curious
skill set for a dog Walker?
- I'm not a dog Walker.
- See? All right, they show up,
you're gagged and bound,
so you're just a fellow victim
of this senseless crime.
- You're the ones who
locked us in,
I'm just looking for a way out!
- Devious, very, very devious!
- Why are your clothes off?
- Look, it was just one idea.
Probably not the best
one, can we just move on?
- But why are they ripped?
- Again, the clock is ticking,
let's not waste time
reliving past mistakes.
If I needed to
and only if they were not
buying my story, I might have
had to go with more of a,
kind of a sexual assault angle.
- What?
- Devious, dirty little...
- ok, looking at it
from your perspective,
I can see how that was probably
too far.
- Probably?
- Definitely, definitely
too far,
and I'm so glad it didn't come
to that,
but you know,
there are always, like,
a couple clunkers when
you're brainstorming.
- What, we weren't
You were setting us up
for charges of kidnapping,
of, uh, assault and battery,
and rape!
- And burglary.
- That doesn't concern me
right now.
- Well, that's where
we're back to, burglary.
- I haven't taken anything,
so breaking and entering, maybe.
- We didn't break
anything, we used the key.
We did stain the rug, but
that's not technically broken.
- The point is,
we're in trouble!
- But trouble is
just an opportunity
that got turned around,
am I right?
- Yeah. What kind of fortune
cookie bullshit is that?
- That's not bullshit, that
is solid, deep thinking!
- Hey, fish, uh, you know where
you found everything else?
- What about it?
- Are you sure you didn't
miss anything?
- Yes, I'm sure I didn't
miss anything!
I don't need the accusations,
thank you very much.
- Worth looking at, though.
- What, eh, wh-why are
you taking her side?
- I'm not takin' anyone's side,
I'm just sayin' it's
worth double-checking.
- Ugh, that's fucked up!
- I can't feel anything.
- Told ya.
- Get way back in there.
- I am!
- Maybe we should
get a flashlight,
is there a flashlight anywh...
What is this?
- Nothing, it's, it's
not what you think it is!
- What do I think it is?
- Oh my god!
- I don't know.
- All right, give!
- Oh, fuck!
- I just didn't think you
needed the distraction!
We're trying to get out
of here, y'know, so I.
- Holy shit!
- Sometimes I wake
up and think Leo is there
in the bed beside me, and my
heart sinks when I realize.
He used to say,
"trouble is just an opportunity
that got turned around,"
but I don't know if I'll
ever get turned back around.
Poor Carl walked in on me crying
during a documentary about
Niagara Falls.
Everything, every feeling
was still right there.
I wish I could just have a
tomato juice and calm down.
It worked for Leo,
I'd have to drink about
a gallon at this point.
Things got tough with Leo,
and I wasn't a good person,
so maybe I was never a good
person in the first place.
I know that now.
- Why would she cut out
the pages of her own.
- All that time with
Jessica, I never,
she dumped you, left.
I'm still here, always.
We've been talkin' about
this heist for forever
and, you know,
a little bit of excitement.
Doin' our own thing, some
teamwork, but,
now it's just the same shit!
You had Jessica,
now you have her!
- Her?
She's gonna tell the
cops that I raped her!
- I believe I apologized.
- This is the whole reason
that we broke in here.
- No, it's the whole
reason you broke in here!
- This is crazy, this, this
changes everything!
She still...
I know the code.
- What?
- I know the code,
it's our anniversary.
- No, you don't know!
- No, I know!
- No, you don't know!
You're gonna fuck around
and get us all arrested
just 'cause you read some
cotton candy thoughts
in her little girl diary,
but you don't know the code!
- Ok, now,
we haven't been at our best,
any of us,
and maybe someday,
we'll all sit down,
break bread and have our
apologies and tender moments
and whatnot and that'll be nice,
I'm sure.
But right now, this is over.
I'm getting us out of here,
because I know.
Now, let's go.
- Fuck!
- What, that can't be...
Let's go, we gotta run,
hide in the bushes!
- I don't understand!
- We're fucked, we run,
let's go!
- Wait, we have to stay!
- What are you, nuts?
- No, there's only one way out.
- Yeah, the door, let's go!
- No, it's not the door.
It's him, he's right.
He knows.
- Hello?
This is the police!
Everybody ok?
- Oh, oh, ho-ho, oh, thank god!
Honey, honey, the security
guard's here!
- Oh, I'm so sorry!
- What?
- I'm so sorry about this.
- Kill the alarm,
I'm on the scene.
Hold the backup, stand by.
- Oh!
- Oh, god, thank you.
- Uh, I'm sorry, I,
I misplaced the little
slip of paper
that my sister wrote the code on
for me,
so, god, that alarm is
such a pain sometimes!
- Yeah, sometimes.
You said miss Deevers
is your sister?
- That's right.
That's me and, uh, my sister,
Jessica, the homeowner,
with our younger sister
Carla and mom and dad.
It's in Virginia
city, have you ever been?
- Nope.
- Oh, it's a thing to see,
just like you'da pictured
the old west to have been.
Like, it's a lotta fun.
- Well, I'll have to
check that out sometime.
- You'll have to take me,
god, he talks about it all the
time, but we've never gone.
- Well, you know.
You get busy.
- I've met your folks before.
Yeah, your dad.
- Randy.
- Yeah, Randy.
Uh, he helped me out,
I was havin' some trouble with
the gate.
- Well, I bet he loved that.
He's so good with those
sorts of things.
He should've been a mechanic
or maybe a surgeon, even.
Anything but insurance.
- Yeah, well, he, yeah,
he fixed it right up, so.
And your mom made these, um...
- I hope it was the lemon bars.
- Yeah, that's right.
- Lucky,
those are the only things
she knows how to make.
- Well, they were good, so.
- Well, you dodged a bullet.
Seriously, I've never
seen a woman
make more of a disaster of
It's terrible, but you have to
eat 'em.
- I don't remember you folks
comin' in.
- Oh, you know, I think the, uh,
the other gentleman was working.
- Leslie?
- Ooh, I don't...
- Um.
- Yeah, he, he did work
the day shift.
Normally, he lets me
know if we have visitors.
- Yeah, uh, well, if
there's some paperwork
that we're supposed to
fill out or something,
we'd be happy to do it, I mean...
- no, you know, it's just
normally, people let us know
if they're gonna have
guests while they're away.
- Well, Jessica, details
aren't really her thing.
She just told us to get out
of the city for a couple days,
and, you know, spend
some quiet time together.
- We just got engaged.
- Well, congratulations!
- That's fantastic!
- Yeah, thank you, thanks.
- Phone's ready, here it comes.
What is the only
variety of grape
that is actually named
after a god?
- Can we get you
somethin' to eat?
- Oh, god, I'd offer you
some soup, but, aw god,
that darn alarm went out and,
god, it just surprised me!
- Uh, maybe some pretzels
or chips, or ravioli?
Some people don't like
eating it out of the can,
but it reminds me of growing up.
- Uh, no, I'm good, thank you.
- Oh, I'm told we have a caller,
and just in time!
Hello, are you ready to
reveal the impossible?
- Yes, it's sangiovese.
- Uh,
I-I'm sorry,
you need to speak up, please.
- It's sangiovese!
- That's correct!
- Whoa!
- Oh, that is, some people
have all the luck, huh?
- Man, I bet that guy's
partyin' hard wherever he is!
- No doubt!
you've just won $105,000!
What's your name?
- Marlon.
- Like the fish?
- Yeah, yeah, like the fish.
- Uh, well, apologies again
for causing all the ruckus,
- No problem at all.
Happens all the time.
These alarms are more
trouble than they're worth.
I mean, to be honest,
it's kind of a letdown.
Just once, I wanna come
in, guns a'blazin',
have it out with some scumbags.
We can dream, though, right?
You have a good night.
Oh, shit, sorry, guys.
I just gotta go by the
book with this kinda stuff.
- Of course.
- I just need you to
tell me the safe word.
- Rutabaga, sorry,
that's our safe word.
Ah, sorry, overshare.
- H-honey, uh, uh,
safe word?
- Yeah, you know, the word
you're supposed to know
when you're in the house.
Just clears that you're
actually allowed to be here.
- Mm-hmm.
- You can call your sister
if you need to, that's fine.
- Ooh, one word you say?
- Yeah.
- Honey,
you know.
- Niagara.
- That's the one.
You guys have a good night.
- Oh, uh, you, too.
Oh, hey, um, you can
leave that open,
we're gonna head to the store in
a second.
Start over with that soup.
- The soup, yeah.
- Sounds good to me.
- Let's get the fuck outta here!
- Fish!
- Did you hear that shit?
- Let's go!
- $105,000!
- Congratulations, let's go!
- Let's load these up!
- No time.
- What about the pizza?
- What?
- Our ride?
- I have my car!
- Go, go, go!
- Hold on, let me make
room for you.
- You leave anything there?
- Nope.
No, wait!
- Chocolate chip pancakes?
Those sound amazing.
- Yeah, people like them.
- You know what, we might
be one-percenters, almost.
You know, collectively,
our forces combined.
But with this kind of
seed money,
we could plan a proper job.
You know, we're experienced
now, we can go big!
Something with grappling hooks,
or go all d.B. Cooper,
fuckin' legends!
- Maybe we could just get
a little breakfast first, and
then see...
- yeah, yeah, yeah,
of course, um,
breakfast is on me by the way.
Huh, I should give
this to that guy.
- I'll get this one.
I owe Darcy a breakfast anyhow.
- Uh, ok,
so now that we're all, um,
it's actually Kate, my name.
- Devious.
- Where you gonna put that lamp?
- Craigslist.
It's our only score
from the job.
- Well,
and this.
- What, that's crazy!
Man, do they have celebration
items on a breakfast menu?
What would that be, like
an enormous pile of bacon?
We're goin' places, I'll tell
you that.
Non-tropical places, I'm standing
my ground on that issue,
but everything else is open,
'cause you gotta keep
yourself open to new things.
Keep it fresh, otherwise,
you get stuck.
I mean, you can't make a
plan to know about something
that you don't already
know about.
Hold up, that's fuckin'
wisdom right there.
Yep, I just know it.