A Bag of Hammers (2011) Movie Script
- Who would win in a fight-
- Ultimate Warrior.
That wasn't-
I wasn't going to say
Ultimate Warrior.
Well, you said
"Who would win in a fight?"
and it's Ultimate Warrior.
You have to say,
"Aside from Ultimate Warrior,"
or give me specific choices.
- Give me some time.
- Give me some choices.
Who do you think
would win in a fight, Marty,
or Armenian Frank?
- Armenian Frank, not Italian Frank?
- No, Armenian Frank.
- Who?
- Marty.
- Why?
- Marty could have a secret weapon
that none of us know about.
Like a nuke...
Who do you think
is a better bowler?
Ultimate Warrior.
I don't want to go
I don't want to go
On my own
On my own
I don't want to go
On my own
And so you know
the bottom might trump you
And then where
would the best of us be
Well some kind of flow
So jealous of ghosts
Not a candlestick maker,
not me
I don't want to go
I don't want to go...
Marty!
Look at you dumbshits
in yer bow ties!
Where did you boys
pick this up?
Valeting.
It is a 2004.
It is in great shape.
It's a nice car.
Very nice. Clean.
I'll move it easy.
- Clean interior.
- Yep.
Except for this fry I found.
Here you go, Jethro.
Alright...
Let's say six?
- What, that's fair!
- Marty, I've got a mortgage.
I'll tell you what,
eight thousand five hundred,
not a penny less.
Damn right!
Seven thousand.
- Alright, we'll take it.
- Fine.
It is endlessly fucked up to me
that you steal cars
from dead people.
- They're not dead people.
- They're dead peoples' relatives.
- I remember when you were nice boys.
- Yes...
You're breaking
my heart, Marty.
My favorite, favorite,
favorite degenerates.
Okay, Barbara Walters
or Cloris Leachman?
Cloris Leachman, no question.
No not-I know what
you're thinking.
You're thinking Cloris Leachman
in Young Frankenstein.
But Cloris Leechman now.
- Hi y'all.
- Hey.
- How's it going?
- It's alright, alright.
Just getting settled in.
I went to my school,
it's pretty close.
- Yeah-
- Uh just one thing though...
About the rent.
I was really hoping to be able
to pay the whole amount.
You know, it's just that
I haven't found work yet.
Right...
The FEMA money that we got
is only a two thousand
dollar cash card.
And then they tell me now
that they don't know when
the rest can be
processed, so...
- I can't really afford...
- What?
Fifteen hundred
to fourteen hundred.
Ah...
- Say a thousand a month, is that okay?
- Really?!
Thank you, thank you.
That is so nice of you!
It's pretty wonderful,
you know,
you getting on
the property ladder
at such a young age, Alan.
- Impressive.
- Yeah, thank you.
So what is it that you do?
- Hey boys.
- Hey, what it is.
- Juice.
- Thank you.
So what do you want?
- Um...
- Ah...
Well, aren't we
forgetting something?
- Ah yes.
- Alan, come on.
- Well it is a Wiggles Waffles policy.
- Alan-
That when a server -
that'd be you,
greets the customer -
that'd be us,
that you must perform the
Wiggles Waffles Wiggle.
Alan, please.
Welcome to Wiggles,
the Wiggles Waffles Wiggle
Thank you for wiggling
into Wiggles Waffles...
...Diner.
- Oh God, every time.
- So stupid!
Fuck you, bed-shitter!
Whoa!
So...
what's the grift of the day?
Actually, forget it.
I don't want to know.
Well actually,
we can't decide today.
You know you should just
snatch some old ladies' purses.
- It's more direct.
- No, please.
What do we look like?
Criminals?
Well, looks can be deceiving.
That's precisely why
we're so successful.
So, Mom called yesterday.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Dad got into another bar fight.
Mom's really upset.
You should really call her.
Well I will have the
pancakes... Pancakes?
- Yes, please.
- Pancakes, sure.
It's from both of us...
Hey, Mac, how're you doing?
- Mountain View?
- Alright.
- Another wiggle?
- Oh yeah.
Welcome to Wiggles,
the Wiggles Waffles Wiggle
Thank you for wiggling...
Who do I think is a better
bowler? Who or who?
You don't say anyone
I'm going to say me.
- Who talks that fast?!
- Me.
When do you ever-
you never talked that fast.
- Yes I do. I talk this fast all the time.
- No you-
- It's ridiculous.
- Who are we burying today?
I dunno.
I left the paper at Wiggles.
Sloppy, Alan.
That's sloppy.
Sorry for your loss.
Condolences.
Is that...
Any good CD's over there?
Oh, let's see.
Kelly Clarkson.
Kelly Clarkson.
Kelly Clarkson -
Christmas Is A Time For Giving.
- Mariah Sings Kelly Clarkson,
- Dude...
- Oh my God...
- and Rammstein.
Oh right, with the
Kelly Clarkson...
What is it?
Gimme this...
Amanda?
Oh fuck.
Oh fuck! Fuck!
- Fuck, look at the... at the-
- Oh yeah!
Oh yeah.
Did we steal...?
- Yeah, we fucking did!
- We stole your ex-girlfriend's car?
We stole Amanda's car.
I don't believe this.
Oh my God!
The one time
I didn't scout the paper.
- Oh shit. Oh shit.
- What?
Oh shit...
- Okay, just pull over.
- Okay, I am.
- Right here?
- Yeah, right here's good.
Be careful, don't hit the curb.
I'm not gonna hit the curb.
- Smiles.
- Smile, we should smile?
Yeah, we didn't do
anything wrong.
License and
registration, please.
License and registration.
Yes, uh...
Sorry.
I'm a little deaf in this ear.
Here you go.
You know at what speed
you were driving, just there?
Forty-ish
- in a twenty-five.
- Twenty-five?
School zone.
So which one of you two
is Amanda Beekler?
Amanda is my girlfriend.
Yeah, here actually...
- Here's a picture of us, right here.
- Oh yeah.
That's us.
We were at Guido's.
- It was our six-month anniversary.
- Cute.
Then we went home
and had the weirdest sex.
Alright, son.
No, apparently if you're
double-jointed here then-
Enough. I'm going to let
you two off with a warning.
- Thank you.
- You two have a pleasant afternoon.
You as well.
What are you two?
Waiters?
- Well-
- Hey, hold on, hold on.
Let's just leave the car.
With who, the florist?
Well, there's no need
to interrupt them in their...
...time of need,
so let's just drop the keys
off and get out of here.
What do you say?
You want to ding-dong-ditch
a Mercedes
that you stole from
your ex-girlfriend
on the day her father
was buried?
Yeah. I do.
That's what I want to do.
So I'm gonna do that.
Um... Amanda...
Hi.
Wow...
Hi.
Hey, Amanda.
Alan.
Um... Listen, we just wanted
to tell you that we...
...are very sorry to hear about
your father's, uh...
That's all?
Yeah.
Yeah, well...
Yeah...
This is so like you.
What... you don't know
what I'm... what is so like me?
You're a liar.
And a coward, Ben.
And maybe one day
you'll realize that
it's not some great
embarrassment to have feelings.
Or care about someone.
You know?
Probably you won't
figure it out
until you're an old,
pathetic man
who lives in a
flophouse downtown
trying to steal enough food
from the garbage can
to keep your incontinent body
from shutting down
from pity and boredom
- Geez...
- I'm not finished, Alan.
- Alright.
- I was ready to share forever with you.
But did you care? No!
You'd rather share it with him
and steal, steal,
steal, Alan, Alan,
I mean, was I just
some hole for you?
What does he have
that I don't have?
Well, an indoor voice.
- Do you know why we broke up?
- I have some hypotheses.
A thousand reasons, but mainly
because I could not pierce
your emotional exoskeleton,
no matter how hard I tried.
What is so funny?
You did just say
emotional exoskeleton?
- Yeah. And?
- Yeah, okay. Definitely.
- That was what was funny.
- Fuck you!
I told you I loved you
and... I was wrong.
Okay. Because a love
could never ever feel...
So strong.
Stop.
- What is so god damn funny?!
- I am not laughing, he...
I'm sorry. You speak in
Michael Bolton lyrics.
- That's funny.
- Fuck you, Alan. Fuck you.
You are ugly
and you have a little dick.
- Large for my height.
- How would you... listen-
Please, okay, I just want
to tell you that today
- we were working, okay-
- You were stealing.
...at Mountain View,
around noon,
and totally, coincidentally,
- Without any malice-
- Or whatever we took...
I should have known it was you.
You stole my car?
Yeah, but we didn't
know until after.
You stole my fucking car!
- It wasn't like...
- ...but we did.
- And we're sorry.
- We're so sorry.
- And I still love you.
- And I still love you... um...
I don't still love you...
I don't like you...
I don't hate you...
it's in the middle.
It's right in the middle.
Ow!
It... it's ambivalence, mainly...
You really wanna do
another funeral today?
Ah, I'm open.
What do you feel like?
What is it?
Hey.
Is he wearing camouflage?
- Hey.
- You want some tea?
No.
You want to come out
of the hedge?
What are you doing, Alan?
He probably has lice.
Ben!
Hey, shouldn't you be at school?
I'm not going today.
Look, kid, if you want
to do good in school...
Well.
If you want to do
well in school,
You got to keep showing up.
Until graduation.
When did you graduate?
That is a good question.
When did you graduate?
That's -
that's not the point.
There's something
called a G.E.D.
Anyways...
Stay in school.
Okay?
Get a job.
Don't drink and drive.
Just say no.
- Okay, we gotta go to work.
- Yeah.
What do you do?
Can I come with you
to your job or something?
I've got money.
I can buy sodas.
I don't think your mom
would like that very much.
She won't care.
So, what kind of placement
are you looking for, Lynette?
Anything really. I just
would love to get to work.
Okay.
Your resume looks... fine.
Do you have call
center experience?
No, I don't.
But I like people.
Okay.
And what's your WPM?
- Excuse me?
- Words per minute.
Oh.
Thirty, thirty five.
- Right...
- But I'm getting faster.
Are you up to date on Mac OS-X?
Um, some yeah.
The older version, I think.
Excel?
Uh, no-
Quicken... or should
I bother to ask?
I'm sorry...
- Hey look at this.
- Hey!
Dickhead!
Why you talk so funny?
Shut up, Scott.
- Part of growing up.
- Or what, Dickhead?
Get off me!
Ooh.
Kid's got a jab.
You gonna cry, pussy?
Hey! That's enough of that.
Get out of here.
Leave him alone.
Get!
- What do you got?
- Oh nice!
They're unlocked.
- Are you really do that?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, what're you doing?
Come here.
It was an accident.
So you're new here,
aren't you, this year?
Yeah.
What school did you come from?
Luther Burbank?
No... Louisiana.
We just moved here.
After the hurricane?
That must have been scary.
Yeah.
Well I'm glad that
you're here now.
I'll keep my eye on you,
and if any of the kids
give you a hard time
I'll have them suspended.
Understand?
Okay.
- Can I go now?
- Mm-hmm.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Yeah, see you tomorrow.
Hi, Mom.
How was your interview?
The same.
What happened to your face?
I got punched.
Yeah, I can see that.
Let momma see.
- I think it's cool.
- No Kelsey! It's not cool!
- Who hit you?
- One of my friends I made at school.
We were playing chase.
It was an accident.
Well go put some ice on it.
We don't have any.
Well, there then.
Keep that on there.
Go do your schoolwork.
- You got arrested? Really?
- No, not really.
But it was close.
- We did a valet job... Nothing fancy
- Mm-hmm.
but I got caught speeding
in a school zone
and then the next thing we know
we've got boyfriends in Chino.
You guys are stupid.
Well, we got out of it Mel so...
Yeah, but you could have
gone to prison. A Felony.
Come on!
I just don't understand
how you can live like that.
I wonder what's
in the pie case today.
Pie is in the pie case
probably, Ben.
Let me just check it out.
I just don't know how you
could come here every day.
It's easy.
I get up in the morning
and I go to work, that's it.
So do I. That's it.
No, what you do
isn't work, it's-
Well it pays my bills.
And sometimes yours.
That's not fair.
Look, you can't be
a thief forever.
What are you going to do?
I mean, come on!
Go back to school, get a job.
- Fuck it-I could get you a job here.
- Are you nuts?
- Stop it.
- Me? Waiting tables?
- Wiggling?
- Don't you dare insult waiting tables.
- Just don't.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm not made to, you know,
sling bacon and juice
for whatever shithead
sits down in a booth.
So what happens when you
luck runs out? Then what?
This never runs out.
You've got to be kidding me.
Says the girl who's
wearing a waffle.
Don't. Don't. I don't want it.
You too good for it?
You're gonna start paying
your own tuition?
Ben. You're leaving.
Okay.
- Alright.
- Did you stick your fingers in my pie?
I barely touched it.
I find it difficult to listen
to Mel's version of reason.
We've had a plan,
it's always worked,
we've never been caught.
Yeah, but what if
she's right, you know.
What if our luck runs out?
Our con-luck or our like,
regular-person-luck?
I don't know. I guess both.
Well, how I figure it,
our circumstances
such as they were in Fresno
provided us few options.
Right.
So whatever we had
to do to get there,
I figure, we're sort of
karmically okay for doing.
What are you doing
with those clothes?
I told you to hang them up.
I accidentally shrunk them.
I knew you were gonna say that!
Goddammit Kelsey!
I told you exactly
what to do and junk!
Goddammit!
Fetch me those clothes pins
you little Satan.
You ruined my nice blouse...
- Sorry, Mom.
- I don't want your sorries!
I wanted my friggin' wardrobe.
I guess someone's soda money
is gonna be helping
get me some decent interview
clothes now, huh?
Yes, Mom.
- Stupid!
- I said I'm sorry...
Just get in the house, Kelsey.
Get out of my face.
Now!
Oh, that boy.
I swear.
Well...
I, uh...
I...
I dunno...
Hey.
Melanie Manilow?
What a pleasant surprise!
- Hey, Marty.
- Hi, yourself.
You're look positively
winsome...
- 'Winsome'...?
- He's has a vocabulary calendar.
Yes, I do. Excuse me.
My seat's over here.
Watermelon?
No I can't,
I have to study later.
So how you been living, Mel?
You looking good.
I mean, healthy.
Yeah. I'm fine.
Marty. How are you?
- Yeah, pretty good... Pretty good...
- Yeah?
- A little lonely.
- Oh.
Gets lonely at the shop,
working...
Alone...
Going back to an empty place.
No furniture.
No furniture?
Danish.
- That's nice.
- Nothing warm though, like a lady...
Okay...
I'm gonna go see-
I forgot what's in
the corner over here...
- Oh yeah, there it is.
- Did that get weird?
- Yes.
- Hey guys.
Who's this?
- Oh, this is...
- Kelsey.
Kelsey. Kelsey, this is
my sister Melanie.
You know Ben.
And this is my-
SU-perior.
That means boss.
- So Kelsey, what's up?
- Can someone take me to the store?
I ran out of Hungry Mans
and there's no more food.
Well, where's your mom?
I dunno.
But I've got some money.
See. And I'll trade you
some sodas for a ride.
- No.
- Would you like a steak instead?
- Okay.
- But I'll take a soda.
You can pick.
I've got cherry, grape,
cherry coke and... yeah.
- Wow, great.
- Come on.
- I'm going for it!
- You're gonna ask her out?
I know just what to do.
Did you see the way
she looked at me?
I'm gonna mix
a Squirt and a Root beer,
I call it a Squoot Beer.
I'd just like a Squirt.
I wouldn't drink that,
there's a lot of tequila...
That's impressive...
Careful, careful,
careful, Marty!
Is he? He's out.
He's out.
Oh man...
He hit his head pretty hard.
Yeah... he had the
melon to break it.
Well there's only
one thing we can do.
What happened?
Did he drink the whole thing?
He was just doing it
to impress you.
Oh. It so worked...
- Kelsey. You got any markers?
- Yeah.
Cool.
We need them. Get 'em.
Can I talk to you two
for a second?
I don't care what you say, Mel,
I'm drawing dicks on his face.
No, it's not about that.
Shit, I'll help.
It's... have you been in there?
- In there?
- Yeah.
- No.
- No.
- She must not-
- Mel,
It can't be that bad.
They just moved in.
No seriously, it's bad.
You should call someone,
like the authorities.
Or, you know...
Well it's not really
our business, so...
No, I'm serious.
It's bad. It's like neglect.
You should do something.
Okay, I will do something.
I will.
I will draw a big hairy dick
on Marty's forehead.
Yeah, we'll start with that
and go from there.
- Yeah, we'll see.
- Yeah.
- Purple!
- Green.
Thanks, Kelsey.
- Mom?
- Hmm?
I cleaned up.
Right. Supper. Ahh...
- You want me to throw something-
- I did it already.
- You want some?
- No.
You want a soda?
- I... gotta go out.
- You just got home.
Yeah, well, Momma'a
gotta have a life, okay?
Just 'cause she
had you don't mean...
Just go to bed at ten.
You hear me?
You hear me, Kelsey?
Well, see you in the morning.
Bye...
- Hello?
- Vince Ortega, CDCS for Wyatt Joelson,
Sixth grade civics, Newberry.
Very funny, Vince.
How you doing?
Ah, what's up, buddy.
I'm good.
Just drowning in paperwork.
You were smart to get out, man.
Was I?
I'm drowning in homework.
What's going on?
I caught a name,
should be up at your school.
- Who's the kid?
- Kelsey Patterson.
Yeah, I got him in my
fifth period social studies.
What's your take then?
Don't really have one.
He's quiet, he's an odd kid.
He's new.
He doesn't have any friends.
I honestly don't know
him that well.
What's the complaint?
Just general neglect,
from the neighbor.
Do you want to do me a favor?
I'd like to see my wife
this month.
Will you go talk to the mother,
if it looks bad,
call me and we'll pull him.
- Okay?
- All right. What's the address?
Lynette Patterson?
Hello?
Anybody home?
Alan, we have a visitor.
Cop?
Hello? Is anybody home?
Uh, we're not religious.
It's not about that.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Who did you say you were...?
I'm just looking for
Lynette Patterson,
Kelsey's mom.
Oh, no, wrong house.
They're over there, actually.
There was a report made,
actually a complaint
filed by Melanie Manilow.
Is she home?
Oh.
No. She's my sister,
but she doesn't live here.
Oh, because she filed a report
with Child Protective Services.
Melanie's a little...
Do you guys notice anything
out of the ordinary?
Any neglect?
- Well-
- I wouldn't say 'neglect',
but I mean the mother
doesn't seem
to give the kid much time.
Mel said there wasn't
any food over there.
So your general impression
is that this isn't
an abuse case,
just that this women
shouldn't win
any Mother-Of-The-Year
awards?
Definitely.
I mean, we had it
rougher than he does.
Alright, well thanks
for your time.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, sure.
So what do you think
you're gonna do like,
what do you do now?
Do you guys call the police
or anything?
No. I'll just have look around,
probably send a notice out.
Cool. That's all?
I mean, if I can I'd like to
spare him the system.
Getting processed is... well...
- It should be the last resort.
- Really?
Yeah, I mean if
this kid's being
severely beaten or starved.
No. Whoa!
Then you process
and the kid gets bounced
from one house to the next,
and you hope the family is not
just doing it for
the food stamps.
Shit! I had no idea.
- Thanks for your time.
- Cool, yeah sure.
Bye.
What do you guys feel like?
How about the next time you send
any law enforcement agency
to the house,
give us a heads up.
What?
Better yet, don't do it at all.
- Child services?
- Yeah.
So what happened?
He left a note.
- A note? That's it?
- Yeah.
He said it looked okay to him.
I don't believe that.
Look, maybe our shitty,
fucked up upbringings made us...
You in particular, Mel -
susceptible to overreaction.
Kelsey, you in there?
- Oh...
- Can I help you?
Hi, I was just looking
for my brother, Alan.
In my windows?
In my house?
Sorry.
I should just go.
They're not here,
I think they're working.
I know it's not
any of my business,
but I know how you
keep this place,
keep Kelsey.
And I've seen the
condition of the house.
- It's unacceptable.
- You're right it's not your business.
You know what?
It doesn't matter.
Because I've talked to Kelsey,
and I know what's going on here
and being out of work
is not an excuse.
Okay?
Hey.
You buy that car on a
waitress salary? On tips?
- No, it was a gift.
- Oh.
I thought not.
Okay...
You're a fucking bitch!
So, what kind of placement
are you looking for, Lynette?
Um... anything really.
I just would love
to get to work.
Okay. Your resume looks... fine.
Do you have call
center experience?
No, I don't.
But I like people.
Mm-hmm.
Excel?
No.
Filing?
Do you have any useful skills
for office work?
Look just get me-
just fucking get me a job!
I need a fucking job.
Just a job, okay. Whatever.
I'll learn anything
I drove here with nothing.
And don't you...
Don't you sit there
with your fucking...
Fuck...
Can you please help me?
Hey guys.
Here, my mom sent me
over with this.
Okay.
So, what you doing?
Chess.
You ever play?
Sometimes with my Grandpa.
That's cool.
Where's he live?
Heaven.
So you guys must
not be very good,
the pieces are all mixed up.
Whatever you say, Bobby Fisher.
- You'll have to play sometime.
- That'll be fun.
But you'll have to come up
with something to bet. Right?
I mean, no game
is all that much fun
without a little risk.
You'll learn that
when you get older.
Oh, I got stuff to bet.
Yeah, we don't need
any sodas, Kelsey.
I got Penthouses'.
Yeah, seven of them.
You guys must have some too.
Maybe we could like trade some.
- Wow...
- I've seen mine bunches of times.
We unfortunately have to
go light ourselves on fire.
- What? What did I do?
- Nothing.
We just have to
get up early for work. So...
You mean stealing cars?
All the cars in front of
the house all the time...
That's what you do, huh?
- It's complicated.
- Stealing cars?
- Nope, actually it's not-
- Ben?!
What? What?
A ten year old
thinks we steal cars.
- Hey, I'm twelve.
- Whatever.
It's an easier explanation than
my uncle owns
a used car dealership
in Torrance and he lends me
the cars to test them out.
Yeah. Yeah, that's right.
Twellman and Sons.
Autocircle Way right off
the Five in Torrance.
- My dad's brother.
- My dad has a new family...
Doesn't want us anymore...
You see, that's not fair.
So maybe tomorrow
we can play chess?
Mm-hmm.
See ya, bud.
Or...
- We could trade Penthouses.
- La-la-la...
Okay. Whoo-yes...
Geez.
Awesome!
Hey Mark, it's... me.
You know that though,
don't you...
I'm sorry to call,
I'm just in a...
I'm in a spot.
I'm looking for work,
and I am this time, I am...
I just wish that you could be
responsible for Kelsey.
Just for a little while.
Just till I get on my feet.
Because I'm over my...
And Sherry, Sherry you better
not delete this.
Mark, you can't just take him?
I mean he's your son too!
Hello?
- Is it broken?
- No.
Hello?
H-Hello.
Can we help you?
Ah... ah... sorry.
Just um... Nah, nothing...
- Did you need something?
- Yes...
I was gonna ask if
I could borrow some eggs.
But when I knocked the door
just came right open.
I didn't know if you were here,
so I just came on in.
Well, I'll leave you be.
I'll see y'all later.
Don't you want those eggs?
Yes.
Sorry, thank you.
That'd be really nice.
- How many?
- Two's fine.
Thanks.
Since you're here,
the check for the
rent didn't clear.
Oh, thanks.
The bank said that the account
had been closed.
Oh... did...
Oh... oh.
God, I wrote this
from my old account.
With my husband.
My ex-husband.
Ex...
Sorry, I don't know
what I was...
- Old habits.
- Yeah.
Um...
Maybe there's...
...another way we could...
...the three of us...
...come to an understanding.
I think the check...
Yeah. I have a check
in the house.
Just leave it in the mailbox,
whenever.
Sure.
Night.
Hey, Lynette.
What is this?
Oh my God, she's...
Lynette!
Lynette!
"Kelsey, there is
forty-six dollars
in my purse in the kitchen.
- Mommy had to..."
- Oh my God...
Okay, okay...
Wait. Wait-wait-wait...
What, what, what?
Get some gloves.
- Why?
- The cops will send him to a group home.
- Come on, Ben!
- Okay. Okay.
About a month ago.
Single.
No family...
Hey guys.
Hey.
- How'd you get me out of school?
- Easy.
I said I was your uncle Alan.
Awesome!
You wanna go get some food?
Sure, why not.
Hey.
Hey Kelsey, what's up?
They got me out of school.
Oh. So I can see.
- Pretty cool, huh?
- Yeah...
Here, let's go sit.
Right over there.
I've never been here before.
Yeah, it's pretty cool.
We come here a lot.
When you're not test driving
cars for your uncle?
Huh? Oh yeah, yeah, right.
Did you pick yet?
You can have anything
you want, okay?
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Wow.
Thanks.
Um... Please, I will have
the chocolate chip waffles.
And fish sticks.
And...
...a Red Bull.
Okay.
- Is she okay?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I think so.
Kelsey, we uh...
We have to...
This isn't going to be...
Okay, um...
Okay.
When I was about as old
as you are I lived on a farm.
Outside of Fresno. My dad,
and brother, and Mom and I.
When I was your age...
My older brother, Ric,
he was fourteen,
he fell off the barn.
Our barn.
We were playing up there...
And, um...
He broke his back
in seven places.
Cracked his head...
I mean... couldn't walk,
brain damage.
And eventually...
...he died.
And that was -
that was hard on me,
it was hard on my dad...
No secret Ric was his favorite.
And, um...
At that age... your age,
like I was then...
it's impossible not
to blame yourself.
You know, find a
hundred different ways
that you could have
shaped the day
not to end up on that roof.
Or even just...
Even just some reason that
this kind of terrible shit
has to happen to people who are
basically good.
I mean, a good person.
You know?
Someone who was...
trying...
But we all get a...
We all get a bag of hammers.
You know what I mean?
Whether it's being poor,
or catching cancer,
divorce...
Losing your brother...
Losing your mother...
You know what I mean, Kelsey?
It's...
But the thing is, is what you do
with these hammers.
When you get 'em...
Because that shows you
what kind of a man you are.
Even if you're not ready
to be one yet.
So...
This is gonna be hard to hear.
Okay?
Okay.
Your mom died today.
I'm sorry, man.
I'm really sorry about that.
What's up?
So...
What do you want to do now?
Just let him sleep, man.
He's had a rough day.
Fine, but...
What do you wanna...
you know,
when are we gonna
get him situated?
Oh. Um...
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
Tomorrow we'll
pick him up a mattress
or a sofa bed,
or futon-
Whoa, won't the
foster-whatever have a...
Dude, they're not gonna
buy us a mattress.
- 'Us?'
- Kelsey.
- No-
- Besides, if we tell them we have him,
obviously they're going
to take him away.
Well, we're not gonna keep him.
Dude, that...
That wasn't the plan.
You're not like
all of a sudden...
What did you think we hid
him from the cops for?
I dunno. Keep him
out of a group home?
I think it's time to,
you know, step up.
And I think this happened
to us for a reason.
- We can't even keep fish!
- Ben, you're spiraling.
What about his real father?
I mean, he must have...
Yeah of course, sure,
but no, he's not involved.
It doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter.
At least he's blood,
better than nothing.
- We're not 'nothing.'
- Well, I know when the novelty wears off
- and you ditch this kid, that's forever.
- No.
His father isn't your father.
That's nice.
The last thing the kid needs
is to be gotten rid of
one more time
so let's just find out
where his dad is
and take him there.
I can't go to my dad!
I don't even know him.
How long have you
been standing there?
I haven't seen him
since I was little.
He doesn't want me.
That's what he said.
- Kelsey-
- No, I won't go!
What if you had to go?
I'd run away.
That's harder than
it sounds, bud.
Trust me, I know.
I'd start stealing cars,
like you two.
I don't know. Okay?
Don't make me go.
Okay?
Don't make me go.
Promise?
Okay.
Promise.
Go back to bed, okay.
Ben?
Ben...
- Ben-
- You just promised him he could stay.
- Did you see his face?
- He's twelve. He'll get over it.
- How can you say that?
- We steal shit.
We do what we want.
We do not raise children.
That is not what
we set out to do.
He has no one.
We had each other.
Him or me?
I decided.
Well, fuck you!
- Ben.
- Hi, Marty.
You look perturbed.
What the fuck's
the matter with you?
I just... I need
a place to sleep.
Take the Camry, in the garage.
What's going on?
Where's Alan?
We had a fight.
Ah.
Alan wants to keep Kelsey.
For a sleepover?
What? No!
The mother punched her
own ticket and now...
- No shit.
- Yeah.
And now Alan just
wants to just change
our whole fucking situation
so I was like 'no.'
- No fucking way. No.
- No, no. Ben, listen...
I'm no psychologist.
Relationships?
Never been my strong point.
Look at you two.
You're lucky.
Out here ten years -
nothing but each other.
You and Alan together...
So?
So you're worthless to me
without each other.
Because you won't make a dime.
Thanks for the...
Jesus, Marty!
And the swell of my sea
is the call of all being
And the sun brings me through
And the moon draws the waves
and the pull of my heart
to the stars I keep seeing
I am light I am dark
I am no more afraid
We are off for all time
We are off as still feeling
Praise the Lord we are one...
Oh my god. I am so sorry.
I completely didn't see you.
Oh, me neither.
Oh that's my crystal decanter
for my father's
sixty-fifth birthday.
Did I tell you about my son?
I wanted him to go
to dental school,
but no, he wants to
study photography.
That's my curse.
- and I said to him-
- What am I supposed to do?
This was like four
hundred dollars!
Where's the receipt?
- What the fuck?!
- Hey...
- Hey.
- I didn't see you.
Out of curiosity,
how much did you take today?
About a hundred.
- A hundred?
- Yep.
Dollars?
Stealing Girl Scout cookies?
Giving sperm?
Maybe if you grew up to
man sized crimes
instead of pranks.
No? Is it too much?
Fucking amateur hour.
I told you you'd be
worthless solo.
What's wrong?
Ben left.
What?
He won't stay if I keep Kelsey.
I'm not just gonna put
him into foster care,
I'm not gonna get rid of him.
He's staying with me.
What are you
talking about? Alan...?
It's fine, it's cool.
No one knows, Melanie.
We hide everything
from the police...
What do you mean you hid
everything from the police?
Are you crazy?
This is the stupidest
thing I have ever heard!
What is your problem?
I am helping this kid,
that's wrong?
- Even if that were true...
- It is true!
You don't know
how to do anything
except walk out on people.
- I'm not going to do that to him.
- Well you did it to me.
- Mel, I had to get out.
- You took Ben. Not me.
Who got hit when you left?
- That's not my fault.
- Of course it's not your fault.
Nothing's your fault.
Are you mad at me?
No.
Why not?
- Why would I be mad at you?
- Where did Ben go?
Is he coming back?
I don't know.
Can I stay?
Yep.
Cool.
Yo' man,
can I get a smoke from ya?
Ah...
Do I look like a father to you?
Do I look like
I should be a father?
I don't know.
Forget it.
Thank you.
Can I...
God bless you, friend.
I'm gonna go to bed.
Good night.
Good night.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
Where you been?
You can't... you can't do that.
Don't do that.
Don't fucking walk on me, man.
So we're... we're gonna do this?
We're gonna raise
this little boy?
And feed it?
And stop him from crying,
and bleeding, and do homework?
And love him?
Why?
You know why.
What if we can't protect him?
I mean, what if he gets hurt?
What if we hurt him?
You know?
We can't do that...
Sorry...
It's alright.
You smell horrible...
You smell like bum piss.
Well, I did hug
a homeless person...
A woman.
She was very sad.
She looked like,
she needed a hug.
I gave...
You don't hug anyone,
and you hug a hobo?
Yeah. First I gave
her all my money.
Good for you.
But... she liked
the hug better I think.
Where's Kelsey?
He's asleep.
- Well, shall I go talk to him?
- Yeah, sure.
Everybody in this
place is dreaming
It's been that way forever
They're all gonna
wake up soon
They're all be hell
for leather
Up the smoky walls
of yesterday
And the dusty prince
of last year
And nicotine
burning sycophants
And the glowing mould of fear
Blow me home
Blow me home, blow me home
Take me in hold me close
Blow me home
We're aware of perspective
to not be rejected
Blow me home
Blow me home,
blow me home tonight
You want some tea?
I don't like it.
Tea is for civilized people.
People drink tea
in centers of learning.
I've never had it before.
Well...
You're gonna have to learn.
Why?
Here. Take it.
Careful.
Just... drink it.
Okay...
- Mm-mm.
- I don't believe you. Yeah right.
- Mm-mm.
- Come on.
- You like it a little bit.
- Mm-mm.
Kelsey! Kelsey!
Let's go!
Let's go.
What are you driving?
What?
Geez. I'm gonna get my ass
kicked if someone sees.
Just get in.
And don't say "ass".
Come on,
it's all we could find.
We gotta get you
to the doctor's by four.
Doctor's?
That's right.
You need some shots.
Yeah, so you don't
bring home diseases.
- Just kidding!
- We're going to Splash World!
We faked you out so hard!
Look at your face.
- That was awesome!
- Yes!
You smell like throw-up.
My shoe smells like
throw-up.
- Hello.
- Hey, how's it going, Kelsey?
Good. We went to
Splash Mountain.
- We had a very educational field trip today.
- Yep.
- Oh, you did?
- Yep.
And we learned that Splash
Mountain makes Alan puke!
- Kelsey, thank you...
- Yes we did, it's a beautiful thing.
Kelsey, you wanna go see how
Jorge makes the waffles?
- Sure.
- Hey, cool.
- Deal. Whaddya say?
- Thank you.
- Hey, boys.
- Hey, Jorge.
Hi, Jorge.
Just what in the fuck
are you doing?
Mel, we're doing this.
Okay? So...
What you're doing is selfish.
This wont fix you,
wont help anything.
It wont erase anything.
You'll just fuck up
everyone involved.
Can I get a cup
of coffee, please?
- Thanks.
- If you do this...
You will hurt him so bad...
You'll make him just like you.
Alright, that's enough.
Kelsey. We're going.
Why?
Come on, guys.
- Slow pokes.
- We're coming.
You got my shirt
and everything?
Oh yeah.
The shirt is cool.
Kelsey, get in the car.
What? Why?
- Hey wait, you can't take him!
- What are you doing, man!
Watch me.
- Kelsey!
- What are you doing?!
Hey! You've got no right!
Right? Kidnapping a little boy?
Is that a right?
- No, we're not he...
- Back off!
He has no one.
He has no extended family,
no father.
We're all he's got!
A mother dies,
and you thought
you could just take him?
That no one would notice?
That no one would care?
- No. All we've done is take care of Kelsey.
- Save it.
- I'm taking him to the police.
- Don't do that man.
- Hold on!
- Please, don't take him!
They got me a sofa bed.
We went and tested them out.
I got to pick which one.
And they didn't even care.
- And Alan says soon we're gonna
move into the front house... - Kelsey.
so I can have my own room.
Look, that's all fine
but it's not...
- It's not a mother...
- She hated me!
I'm sure that isn't true.
Listen, you guys had
a very difficult time
with the hurricane.
- When an act of God like that happens...
- I'm not from there.
What?
She made me say that we
were from New Orleans,
so people would treat us nicer.
Look, you may not
understand this,
but this is the best
thing for you, okay.
They wanted me.
They couldn't take
care of you, Kelsey.
No one has ever
wanted me before.
But they wanted me!
- It's not enough.
- Yes, it is!
It could have been.
Get on it, Kels!
Get on it, Kels!
- Alright, come on, Kelsey.
- Get on it, Kels. Top corner!
- Top three, yes.
- Top three.
See how my sword weeps
for the poor Kings death.
- Yes.
- Excellent.
Very adult coloring here.
- Where you going?
- Just out. None of your business.
I don't know what the fuck
you're talking about!
What am I talking about?
It's not my fucking
fault, it's you.
Fuck!
Blue.
That's so easy,
it's right there.
You total idiot.
Sorry for your loss.
Condolences.
Head on the hood.
Spread your legs.
Do not resist me.
Do not resist me.
There he is.
Yes!
Welcome out.
Freedom!
You guys have to
stop stealing cars.
Kelsey!
- Come on.
- Yeah.
...six, seven, eight...
Welcome to Wiggles,
the Wiggles Waffles...
Can you make your hips go back?
And I'm a professional!
We just need some hotdogs.
What's up, buddy?
Yea.
Kelsey?
Kelsey?
The group home was okay?
At least the water's hot.
I'm sorry, Kelsey.
It's our job, my job actually,
to protect you,
kids like you
from people like that.
It's no excuse,
obviously, but...
Sometimes, you know...
Sometimes we just can't
get there soon enough.
Hey,
I promise I'm gonna be around
a lot more from now on.
Okay?
We're gonna find you a family
that you can stay
with for a while.
Become an adoptive
family maybe.
We'll see.
But...
Nothing bad is gonna happen
to you anymore.
Alright?
With the new people can
I have my own room?
We'll see what we can do.
You wanna go meet them?
There's a busy infidel
She crept about the palace
And we had poor defense
And she had little malice
A gentle touch put here
A saddened hurt embrace
I wouldn't kiss enough
To put them in their place
So where my father went
Is not now common knowledge...
Alright.
Here we go.
- You got your toothbrush?
- Yeah dad, I've got it.
You got the map of the school,
so you don't get lost.
You guys need to chill out.
Be cool.
- I will be fine.
- It is cool.
And, I just want you to know,
we're gonna be
around if you need...
It's only an hour drive.
I promise to visit.
- Right.
- Cool.
- He promises to come visit.
- Good. Good.
Son, I'm so proud of you.
Thank you.
Alright, you guys
need to get out of here.
Alright. Don't forget
your six string now.
Express yourself, bud.
I'm Kelsey Manilow-Dwellman.
I think I'm in room 322-B.
It's alright.
- Let's go.
- I'm not ready yet.
Alright, you guys
need to get out of here cuz...
Okay.
See you in four years.
- I love you, son.
- See you, bud.
Okay.
Wow, we did it!
All the fruit turned red
Some of them still green
But never will you see one
that's stuck and in between
As all came from a garden
where the wind has died down low
And there my father went
to help the green fruit grow
He tends them with a smile
His fingers stroke the leaves
He'll never leave the garden
It's all that I believe
Hey, Marty.
This is it...
What can I get ya?
A side of you.
I knew you'd be happy.
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
Oh Marty, no. No...
But I can give you, you know...
A lots...
I am... sure.
You're a great guy,
- and I think you're...
- You touched me...
It's not gonna happen again,
and there is someone out there
who will want to touch you
- but I don't.
- You only know seventy percent of me...
- Try for his wallet, Kelsey.
- Kelsey!
What are you doing?!
- I am so sorry...
- Apologize to this man.
I can't believe this.
I am so sorry.
No matter what we try
he just keeps on stealing!
You are gonna be
punished, mister!
Hundreds of kittens and puppies
being put down every week.
Hundreds of kittens...?
- A week.
- No, I'm sorry.
A small donation
could mean salvation
to many of these defenseless
kittens and puppies.
Hundreds of kittens... Lord...
So many people have been
so mean to me out here today.
I noticed you
donated to that guy
from the animal shelter.
And I... I don't know
if my conscience
could rest saving dogs
when there are 20,000 people
sleeping in the
Superdome tonight!
Fine!
Paper... I told you!
- Best five out of nine.
- No, get in there.
That's the last time
I'm doing it.
March issue. 1988.
Good for the articles.
Come on, little man, finish up.
You don't have
to write it a poem.
I'm gonna go in
the kitchen sink.
Kelsey, we sat you down today
because we want to
talk to you about.
Something very important.
First off, what happens
in Penthouse
does not happen in real life.
It never looks that good.
You don't want to
get a girl pregnant
before you're...
Um... In love with her.
And ready to start
a life with her.
Yes.
And each time you have
sex, you are risking...
Marriage.
- You put this...
- You put this on...
On that.
Why would you put
that on a banana?
No, not on the banana...
You put this on your...
On your... body...
You can't ask me to marry you
because I'm your waitress,
and I have other
customers to serve.
And I don't serve
them... in that way.
You sure?
Okay sure, let's do it.
Let's get married.
Really? That's...
No. Fuck off.
Come on, bud.
- You know it's only a metaphor, right?
- Yeah.
I thought it was nice imagery.
Flowers in my garden
Birds in all the trees
This is where I am rooted
Still I've got to leave
Yes I must be cut down
Yes I've got to go far
For bread and wine
I'll extoll the meek
And sainted wings
In every keep
Chopping changing Roman girl
Plopping laughing cockney man
I'm in the small things
with the bloom
And you can't
give me any news
Except the small things
that you need
Will be around you
when you listen
And it will be peculiar
That we're on this
long trodden earth
And we might be familiar
Were it not for them
that gave us birth
And were it not a separation
Cut of binding congregation
The eyes we're given
give us sight
Of one another in the light
And in the doorway
of a dark cafe
And Just before I fall asleep
And dream of you
And wait to find you
in another day
- Ultimate Warrior.
That wasn't-
I wasn't going to say
Ultimate Warrior.
Well, you said
"Who would win in a fight?"
and it's Ultimate Warrior.
You have to say,
"Aside from Ultimate Warrior,"
or give me specific choices.
- Give me some time.
- Give me some choices.
Who do you think
would win in a fight, Marty,
or Armenian Frank?
- Armenian Frank, not Italian Frank?
- No, Armenian Frank.
- Who?
- Marty.
- Why?
- Marty could have a secret weapon
that none of us know about.
Like a nuke...
Who do you think
is a better bowler?
Ultimate Warrior.
I don't want to go
I don't want to go
On my own
On my own
I don't want to go
On my own
And so you know
the bottom might trump you
And then where
would the best of us be
Well some kind of flow
So jealous of ghosts
Not a candlestick maker,
not me
I don't want to go
I don't want to go...
Marty!
Look at you dumbshits
in yer bow ties!
Where did you boys
pick this up?
Valeting.
It is a 2004.
It is in great shape.
It's a nice car.
Very nice. Clean.
I'll move it easy.
- Clean interior.
- Yep.
Except for this fry I found.
Here you go, Jethro.
Alright...
Let's say six?
- What, that's fair!
- Marty, I've got a mortgage.
I'll tell you what,
eight thousand five hundred,
not a penny less.
Damn right!
Seven thousand.
- Alright, we'll take it.
- Fine.
It is endlessly fucked up to me
that you steal cars
from dead people.
- They're not dead people.
- They're dead peoples' relatives.
- I remember when you were nice boys.
- Yes...
You're breaking
my heart, Marty.
My favorite, favorite,
favorite degenerates.
Okay, Barbara Walters
or Cloris Leachman?
Cloris Leachman, no question.
No not-I know what
you're thinking.
You're thinking Cloris Leachman
in Young Frankenstein.
But Cloris Leechman now.
- Hi y'all.
- Hey.
- How's it going?
- It's alright, alright.
Just getting settled in.
I went to my school,
it's pretty close.
- Yeah-
- Uh just one thing though...
About the rent.
I was really hoping to be able
to pay the whole amount.
You know, it's just that
I haven't found work yet.
Right...
The FEMA money that we got
is only a two thousand
dollar cash card.
And then they tell me now
that they don't know when
the rest can be
processed, so...
- I can't really afford...
- What?
Fifteen hundred
to fourteen hundred.
Ah...
- Say a thousand a month, is that okay?
- Really?!
Thank you, thank you.
That is so nice of you!
It's pretty wonderful,
you know,
you getting on
the property ladder
at such a young age, Alan.
- Impressive.
- Yeah, thank you.
So what is it that you do?
- Hey boys.
- Hey, what it is.
- Juice.
- Thank you.
So what do you want?
- Um...
- Ah...
Well, aren't we
forgetting something?
- Ah yes.
- Alan, come on.
- Well it is a Wiggles Waffles policy.
- Alan-
That when a server -
that'd be you,
greets the customer -
that'd be us,
that you must perform the
Wiggles Waffles Wiggle.
Alan, please.
Welcome to Wiggles,
the Wiggles Waffles Wiggle
Thank you for wiggling
into Wiggles Waffles...
...Diner.
- Oh God, every time.
- So stupid!
Fuck you, bed-shitter!
Whoa!
So...
what's the grift of the day?
Actually, forget it.
I don't want to know.
Well actually,
we can't decide today.
You know you should just
snatch some old ladies' purses.
- It's more direct.
- No, please.
What do we look like?
Criminals?
Well, looks can be deceiving.
That's precisely why
we're so successful.
So, Mom called yesterday.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Dad got into another bar fight.
Mom's really upset.
You should really call her.
Well I will have the
pancakes... Pancakes?
- Yes, please.
- Pancakes, sure.
It's from both of us...
Hey, Mac, how're you doing?
- Mountain View?
- Alright.
- Another wiggle?
- Oh yeah.
Welcome to Wiggles,
the Wiggles Waffles Wiggle
Thank you for wiggling...
Who do I think is a better
bowler? Who or who?
You don't say anyone
I'm going to say me.
- Who talks that fast?!
- Me.
When do you ever-
you never talked that fast.
- Yes I do. I talk this fast all the time.
- No you-
- It's ridiculous.
- Who are we burying today?
I dunno.
I left the paper at Wiggles.
Sloppy, Alan.
That's sloppy.
Sorry for your loss.
Condolences.
Is that...
Any good CD's over there?
Oh, let's see.
Kelly Clarkson.
Kelly Clarkson.
Kelly Clarkson -
Christmas Is A Time For Giving.
- Mariah Sings Kelly Clarkson,
- Dude...
- Oh my God...
- and Rammstein.
Oh right, with the
Kelly Clarkson...
What is it?
Gimme this...
Amanda?
Oh fuck.
Oh fuck! Fuck!
- Fuck, look at the... at the-
- Oh yeah!
Oh yeah.
Did we steal...?
- Yeah, we fucking did!
- We stole your ex-girlfriend's car?
We stole Amanda's car.
I don't believe this.
Oh my God!
The one time
I didn't scout the paper.
- Oh shit. Oh shit.
- What?
Oh shit...
- Okay, just pull over.
- Okay, I am.
- Right here?
- Yeah, right here's good.
Be careful, don't hit the curb.
I'm not gonna hit the curb.
- Smiles.
- Smile, we should smile?
Yeah, we didn't do
anything wrong.
License and
registration, please.
License and registration.
Yes, uh...
Sorry.
I'm a little deaf in this ear.
Here you go.
You know at what speed
you were driving, just there?
Forty-ish
- in a twenty-five.
- Twenty-five?
School zone.
So which one of you two
is Amanda Beekler?
Amanda is my girlfriend.
Yeah, here actually...
- Here's a picture of us, right here.
- Oh yeah.
That's us.
We were at Guido's.
- It was our six-month anniversary.
- Cute.
Then we went home
and had the weirdest sex.
Alright, son.
No, apparently if you're
double-jointed here then-
Enough. I'm going to let
you two off with a warning.
- Thank you.
- You two have a pleasant afternoon.
You as well.
What are you two?
Waiters?
- Well-
- Hey, hold on, hold on.
Let's just leave the car.
With who, the florist?
Well, there's no need
to interrupt them in their...
...time of need,
so let's just drop the keys
off and get out of here.
What do you say?
You want to ding-dong-ditch
a Mercedes
that you stole from
your ex-girlfriend
on the day her father
was buried?
Yeah. I do.
That's what I want to do.
So I'm gonna do that.
Um... Amanda...
Hi.
Wow...
Hi.
Hey, Amanda.
Alan.
Um... Listen, we just wanted
to tell you that we...
...are very sorry to hear about
your father's, uh...
That's all?
Yeah.
Yeah, well...
Yeah...
This is so like you.
What... you don't know
what I'm... what is so like me?
You're a liar.
And a coward, Ben.
And maybe one day
you'll realize that
it's not some great
embarrassment to have feelings.
Or care about someone.
You know?
Probably you won't
figure it out
until you're an old,
pathetic man
who lives in a
flophouse downtown
trying to steal enough food
from the garbage can
to keep your incontinent body
from shutting down
from pity and boredom
- Geez...
- I'm not finished, Alan.
- Alright.
- I was ready to share forever with you.
But did you care? No!
You'd rather share it with him
and steal, steal,
steal, Alan, Alan,
I mean, was I just
some hole for you?
What does he have
that I don't have?
Well, an indoor voice.
- Do you know why we broke up?
- I have some hypotheses.
A thousand reasons, but mainly
because I could not pierce
your emotional exoskeleton,
no matter how hard I tried.
What is so funny?
You did just say
emotional exoskeleton?
- Yeah. And?
- Yeah, okay. Definitely.
- That was what was funny.
- Fuck you!
I told you I loved you
and... I was wrong.
Okay. Because a love
could never ever feel...
So strong.
Stop.
- What is so god damn funny?!
- I am not laughing, he...
I'm sorry. You speak in
Michael Bolton lyrics.
- That's funny.
- Fuck you, Alan. Fuck you.
You are ugly
and you have a little dick.
- Large for my height.
- How would you... listen-
Please, okay, I just want
to tell you that today
- we were working, okay-
- You were stealing.
...at Mountain View,
around noon,
and totally, coincidentally,
- Without any malice-
- Or whatever we took...
I should have known it was you.
You stole my car?
Yeah, but we didn't
know until after.
You stole my fucking car!
- It wasn't like...
- ...but we did.
- And we're sorry.
- We're so sorry.
- And I still love you.
- And I still love you... um...
I don't still love you...
I don't like you...
I don't hate you...
it's in the middle.
It's right in the middle.
Ow!
It... it's ambivalence, mainly...
You really wanna do
another funeral today?
Ah, I'm open.
What do you feel like?
What is it?
Hey.
Is he wearing camouflage?
- Hey.
- You want some tea?
No.
You want to come out
of the hedge?
What are you doing, Alan?
He probably has lice.
Ben!
Hey, shouldn't you be at school?
I'm not going today.
Look, kid, if you want
to do good in school...
Well.
If you want to do
well in school,
You got to keep showing up.
Until graduation.
When did you graduate?
That is a good question.
When did you graduate?
That's -
that's not the point.
There's something
called a G.E.D.
Anyways...
Stay in school.
Okay?
Get a job.
Don't drink and drive.
Just say no.
- Okay, we gotta go to work.
- Yeah.
What do you do?
Can I come with you
to your job or something?
I've got money.
I can buy sodas.
I don't think your mom
would like that very much.
She won't care.
So, what kind of placement
are you looking for, Lynette?
Anything really. I just
would love to get to work.
Okay.
Your resume looks... fine.
Do you have call
center experience?
No, I don't.
But I like people.
Okay.
And what's your WPM?
- Excuse me?
- Words per minute.
Oh.
Thirty, thirty five.
- Right...
- But I'm getting faster.
Are you up to date on Mac OS-X?
Um, some yeah.
The older version, I think.
Excel?
Uh, no-
Quicken... or should
I bother to ask?
I'm sorry...
- Hey look at this.
- Hey!
Dickhead!
Why you talk so funny?
Shut up, Scott.
- Part of growing up.
- Or what, Dickhead?
Get off me!
Ooh.
Kid's got a jab.
You gonna cry, pussy?
Hey! That's enough of that.
Get out of here.
Leave him alone.
Get!
- What do you got?
- Oh nice!
They're unlocked.
- Are you really do that?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, what're you doing?
Come here.
It was an accident.
So you're new here,
aren't you, this year?
Yeah.
What school did you come from?
Luther Burbank?
No... Louisiana.
We just moved here.
After the hurricane?
That must have been scary.
Yeah.
Well I'm glad that
you're here now.
I'll keep my eye on you,
and if any of the kids
give you a hard time
I'll have them suspended.
Understand?
Okay.
- Can I go now?
- Mm-hmm.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Yeah, see you tomorrow.
Hi, Mom.
How was your interview?
The same.
What happened to your face?
I got punched.
Yeah, I can see that.
Let momma see.
- I think it's cool.
- No Kelsey! It's not cool!
- Who hit you?
- One of my friends I made at school.
We were playing chase.
It was an accident.
Well go put some ice on it.
We don't have any.
Well, there then.
Keep that on there.
Go do your schoolwork.
- You got arrested? Really?
- No, not really.
But it was close.
- We did a valet job... Nothing fancy
- Mm-hmm.
but I got caught speeding
in a school zone
and then the next thing we know
we've got boyfriends in Chino.
You guys are stupid.
Well, we got out of it Mel so...
Yeah, but you could have
gone to prison. A Felony.
Come on!
I just don't understand
how you can live like that.
I wonder what's
in the pie case today.
Pie is in the pie case
probably, Ben.
Let me just check it out.
I just don't know how you
could come here every day.
It's easy.
I get up in the morning
and I go to work, that's it.
So do I. That's it.
No, what you do
isn't work, it's-
Well it pays my bills.
And sometimes yours.
That's not fair.
Look, you can't be
a thief forever.
What are you going to do?
I mean, come on!
Go back to school, get a job.
- Fuck it-I could get you a job here.
- Are you nuts?
- Stop it.
- Me? Waiting tables?
- Wiggling?
- Don't you dare insult waiting tables.
- Just don't.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm not made to, you know,
sling bacon and juice
for whatever shithead
sits down in a booth.
So what happens when you
luck runs out? Then what?
This never runs out.
You've got to be kidding me.
Says the girl who's
wearing a waffle.
Don't. Don't. I don't want it.
You too good for it?
You're gonna start paying
your own tuition?
Ben. You're leaving.
Okay.
- Alright.
- Did you stick your fingers in my pie?
I barely touched it.
I find it difficult to listen
to Mel's version of reason.
We've had a plan,
it's always worked,
we've never been caught.
Yeah, but what if
she's right, you know.
What if our luck runs out?
Our con-luck or our like,
regular-person-luck?
I don't know. I guess both.
Well, how I figure it,
our circumstances
such as they were in Fresno
provided us few options.
Right.
So whatever we had
to do to get there,
I figure, we're sort of
karmically okay for doing.
What are you doing
with those clothes?
I told you to hang them up.
I accidentally shrunk them.
I knew you were gonna say that!
Goddammit Kelsey!
I told you exactly
what to do and junk!
Goddammit!
Fetch me those clothes pins
you little Satan.
You ruined my nice blouse...
- Sorry, Mom.
- I don't want your sorries!
I wanted my friggin' wardrobe.
I guess someone's soda money
is gonna be helping
get me some decent interview
clothes now, huh?
Yes, Mom.
- Stupid!
- I said I'm sorry...
Just get in the house, Kelsey.
Get out of my face.
Now!
Oh, that boy.
I swear.
Well...
I, uh...
I...
I dunno...
Hey.
Melanie Manilow?
What a pleasant surprise!
- Hey, Marty.
- Hi, yourself.
You're look positively
winsome...
- 'Winsome'...?
- He's has a vocabulary calendar.
Yes, I do. Excuse me.
My seat's over here.
Watermelon?
No I can't,
I have to study later.
So how you been living, Mel?
You looking good.
I mean, healthy.
Yeah. I'm fine.
Marty. How are you?
- Yeah, pretty good... Pretty good...
- Yeah?
- A little lonely.
- Oh.
Gets lonely at the shop,
working...
Alone...
Going back to an empty place.
No furniture.
No furniture?
Danish.
- That's nice.
- Nothing warm though, like a lady...
Okay...
I'm gonna go see-
I forgot what's in
the corner over here...
- Oh yeah, there it is.
- Did that get weird?
- Yes.
- Hey guys.
Who's this?
- Oh, this is...
- Kelsey.
Kelsey. Kelsey, this is
my sister Melanie.
You know Ben.
And this is my-
SU-perior.
That means boss.
- So Kelsey, what's up?
- Can someone take me to the store?
I ran out of Hungry Mans
and there's no more food.
Well, where's your mom?
I dunno.
But I've got some money.
See. And I'll trade you
some sodas for a ride.
- No.
- Would you like a steak instead?
- Okay.
- But I'll take a soda.
You can pick.
I've got cherry, grape,
cherry coke and... yeah.
- Wow, great.
- Come on.
- I'm going for it!
- You're gonna ask her out?
I know just what to do.
Did you see the way
she looked at me?
I'm gonna mix
a Squirt and a Root beer,
I call it a Squoot Beer.
I'd just like a Squirt.
I wouldn't drink that,
there's a lot of tequila...
That's impressive...
Careful, careful,
careful, Marty!
Is he? He's out.
He's out.
Oh man...
He hit his head pretty hard.
Yeah... he had the
melon to break it.
Well there's only
one thing we can do.
What happened?
Did he drink the whole thing?
He was just doing it
to impress you.
Oh. It so worked...
- Kelsey. You got any markers?
- Yeah.
Cool.
We need them. Get 'em.
Can I talk to you two
for a second?
I don't care what you say, Mel,
I'm drawing dicks on his face.
No, it's not about that.
Shit, I'll help.
It's... have you been in there?
- In there?
- Yeah.
- No.
- No.
- She must not-
- Mel,
It can't be that bad.
They just moved in.
No seriously, it's bad.
You should call someone,
like the authorities.
Or, you know...
Well it's not really
our business, so...
No, I'm serious.
It's bad. It's like neglect.
You should do something.
Okay, I will do something.
I will.
I will draw a big hairy dick
on Marty's forehead.
Yeah, we'll start with that
and go from there.
- Yeah, we'll see.
- Yeah.
- Purple!
- Green.
Thanks, Kelsey.
- Mom?
- Hmm?
I cleaned up.
Right. Supper. Ahh...
- You want me to throw something-
- I did it already.
- You want some?
- No.
You want a soda?
- I... gotta go out.
- You just got home.
Yeah, well, Momma'a
gotta have a life, okay?
Just 'cause she
had you don't mean...
Just go to bed at ten.
You hear me?
You hear me, Kelsey?
Well, see you in the morning.
Bye...
- Hello?
- Vince Ortega, CDCS for Wyatt Joelson,
Sixth grade civics, Newberry.
Very funny, Vince.
How you doing?
Ah, what's up, buddy.
I'm good.
Just drowning in paperwork.
You were smart to get out, man.
Was I?
I'm drowning in homework.
What's going on?
I caught a name,
should be up at your school.
- Who's the kid?
- Kelsey Patterson.
Yeah, I got him in my
fifth period social studies.
What's your take then?
Don't really have one.
He's quiet, he's an odd kid.
He's new.
He doesn't have any friends.
I honestly don't know
him that well.
What's the complaint?
Just general neglect,
from the neighbor.
Do you want to do me a favor?
I'd like to see my wife
this month.
Will you go talk to the mother,
if it looks bad,
call me and we'll pull him.
- Okay?
- All right. What's the address?
Lynette Patterson?
Hello?
Anybody home?
Alan, we have a visitor.
Cop?
Hello? Is anybody home?
Uh, we're not religious.
It's not about that.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Who did you say you were...?
I'm just looking for
Lynette Patterson,
Kelsey's mom.
Oh, no, wrong house.
They're over there, actually.
There was a report made,
actually a complaint
filed by Melanie Manilow.
Is she home?
Oh.
No. She's my sister,
but she doesn't live here.
Oh, because she filed a report
with Child Protective Services.
Melanie's a little...
Do you guys notice anything
out of the ordinary?
Any neglect?
- Well-
- I wouldn't say 'neglect',
but I mean the mother
doesn't seem
to give the kid much time.
Mel said there wasn't
any food over there.
So your general impression
is that this isn't
an abuse case,
just that this women
shouldn't win
any Mother-Of-The-Year
awards?
Definitely.
I mean, we had it
rougher than he does.
Alright, well thanks
for your time.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, sure.
So what do you think
you're gonna do like,
what do you do now?
Do you guys call the police
or anything?
No. I'll just have look around,
probably send a notice out.
Cool. That's all?
I mean, if I can I'd like to
spare him the system.
Getting processed is... well...
- It should be the last resort.
- Really?
Yeah, I mean if
this kid's being
severely beaten or starved.
No. Whoa!
Then you process
and the kid gets bounced
from one house to the next,
and you hope the family is not
just doing it for
the food stamps.
Shit! I had no idea.
- Thanks for your time.
- Cool, yeah sure.
Bye.
What do you guys feel like?
How about the next time you send
any law enforcement agency
to the house,
give us a heads up.
What?
Better yet, don't do it at all.
- Child services?
- Yeah.
So what happened?
He left a note.
- A note? That's it?
- Yeah.
He said it looked okay to him.
I don't believe that.
Look, maybe our shitty,
fucked up upbringings made us...
You in particular, Mel -
susceptible to overreaction.
Kelsey, you in there?
- Oh...
- Can I help you?
Hi, I was just looking
for my brother, Alan.
In my windows?
In my house?
Sorry.
I should just go.
They're not here,
I think they're working.
I know it's not
any of my business,
but I know how you
keep this place,
keep Kelsey.
And I've seen the
condition of the house.
- It's unacceptable.
- You're right it's not your business.
You know what?
It doesn't matter.
Because I've talked to Kelsey,
and I know what's going on here
and being out of work
is not an excuse.
Okay?
Hey.
You buy that car on a
waitress salary? On tips?
- No, it was a gift.
- Oh.
I thought not.
Okay...
You're a fucking bitch!
So, what kind of placement
are you looking for, Lynette?
Um... anything really.
I just would love
to get to work.
Okay. Your resume looks... fine.
Do you have call
center experience?
No, I don't.
But I like people.
Mm-hmm.
Excel?
No.
Filing?
Do you have any useful skills
for office work?
Look just get me-
just fucking get me a job!
I need a fucking job.
Just a job, okay. Whatever.
I'll learn anything
I drove here with nothing.
And don't you...
Don't you sit there
with your fucking...
Fuck...
Can you please help me?
Hey guys.
Here, my mom sent me
over with this.
Okay.
So, what you doing?
Chess.
You ever play?
Sometimes with my Grandpa.
That's cool.
Where's he live?
Heaven.
So you guys must
not be very good,
the pieces are all mixed up.
Whatever you say, Bobby Fisher.
- You'll have to play sometime.
- That'll be fun.
But you'll have to come up
with something to bet. Right?
I mean, no game
is all that much fun
without a little risk.
You'll learn that
when you get older.
Oh, I got stuff to bet.
Yeah, we don't need
any sodas, Kelsey.
I got Penthouses'.
Yeah, seven of them.
You guys must have some too.
Maybe we could like trade some.
- Wow...
- I've seen mine bunches of times.
We unfortunately have to
go light ourselves on fire.
- What? What did I do?
- Nothing.
We just have to
get up early for work. So...
You mean stealing cars?
All the cars in front of
the house all the time...
That's what you do, huh?
- It's complicated.
- Stealing cars?
- Nope, actually it's not-
- Ben?!
What? What?
A ten year old
thinks we steal cars.
- Hey, I'm twelve.
- Whatever.
It's an easier explanation than
my uncle owns
a used car dealership
in Torrance and he lends me
the cars to test them out.
Yeah. Yeah, that's right.
Twellman and Sons.
Autocircle Way right off
the Five in Torrance.
- My dad's brother.
- My dad has a new family...
Doesn't want us anymore...
You see, that's not fair.
So maybe tomorrow
we can play chess?
Mm-hmm.
See ya, bud.
Or...
- We could trade Penthouses.
- La-la-la...
Okay. Whoo-yes...
Geez.
Awesome!
Hey Mark, it's... me.
You know that though,
don't you...
I'm sorry to call,
I'm just in a...
I'm in a spot.
I'm looking for work,
and I am this time, I am...
I just wish that you could be
responsible for Kelsey.
Just for a little while.
Just till I get on my feet.
Because I'm over my...
And Sherry, Sherry you better
not delete this.
Mark, you can't just take him?
I mean he's your son too!
Hello?
- Is it broken?
- No.
Hello?
H-Hello.
Can we help you?
Ah... ah... sorry.
Just um... Nah, nothing...
- Did you need something?
- Yes...
I was gonna ask if
I could borrow some eggs.
But when I knocked the door
just came right open.
I didn't know if you were here,
so I just came on in.
Well, I'll leave you be.
I'll see y'all later.
Don't you want those eggs?
Yes.
Sorry, thank you.
That'd be really nice.
- How many?
- Two's fine.
Thanks.
Since you're here,
the check for the
rent didn't clear.
Oh, thanks.
The bank said that the account
had been closed.
Oh... did...
Oh... oh.
God, I wrote this
from my old account.
With my husband.
My ex-husband.
Ex...
Sorry, I don't know
what I was...
- Old habits.
- Yeah.
Um...
Maybe there's...
...another way we could...
...the three of us...
...come to an understanding.
I think the check...
Yeah. I have a check
in the house.
Just leave it in the mailbox,
whenever.
Sure.
Night.
Hey, Lynette.
What is this?
Oh my God, she's...
Lynette!
Lynette!
"Kelsey, there is
forty-six dollars
in my purse in the kitchen.
- Mommy had to..."
- Oh my God...
Okay, okay...
Wait. Wait-wait-wait...
What, what, what?
Get some gloves.
- Why?
- The cops will send him to a group home.
- Come on, Ben!
- Okay. Okay.
About a month ago.
Single.
No family...
Hey guys.
Hey.
- How'd you get me out of school?
- Easy.
I said I was your uncle Alan.
Awesome!
You wanna go get some food?
Sure, why not.
Hey.
Hey Kelsey, what's up?
They got me out of school.
Oh. So I can see.
- Pretty cool, huh?
- Yeah...
Here, let's go sit.
Right over there.
I've never been here before.
Yeah, it's pretty cool.
We come here a lot.
When you're not test driving
cars for your uncle?
Huh? Oh yeah, yeah, right.
Did you pick yet?
You can have anything
you want, okay?
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Wow.
Thanks.
Um... Please, I will have
the chocolate chip waffles.
And fish sticks.
And...
...a Red Bull.
Okay.
- Is she okay?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I think so.
Kelsey, we uh...
We have to...
This isn't going to be...
Okay, um...
Okay.
When I was about as old
as you are I lived on a farm.
Outside of Fresno. My dad,
and brother, and Mom and I.
When I was your age...
My older brother, Ric,
he was fourteen,
he fell off the barn.
Our barn.
We were playing up there...
And, um...
He broke his back
in seven places.
Cracked his head...
I mean... couldn't walk,
brain damage.
And eventually...
...he died.
And that was -
that was hard on me,
it was hard on my dad...
No secret Ric was his favorite.
And, um...
At that age... your age,
like I was then...
it's impossible not
to blame yourself.
You know, find a
hundred different ways
that you could have
shaped the day
not to end up on that roof.
Or even just...
Even just some reason that
this kind of terrible shit
has to happen to people who are
basically good.
I mean, a good person.
You know?
Someone who was...
trying...
But we all get a...
We all get a bag of hammers.
You know what I mean?
Whether it's being poor,
or catching cancer,
divorce...
Losing your brother...
Losing your mother...
You know what I mean, Kelsey?
It's...
But the thing is, is what you do
with these hammers.
When you get 'em...
Because that shows you
what kind of a man you are.
Even if you're not ready
to be one yet.
So...
This is gonna be hard to hear.
Okay?
Okay.
Your mom died today.
I'm sorry, man.
I'm really sorry about that.
What's up?
So...
What do you want to do now?
Just let him sleep, man.
He's had a rough day.
Fine, but...
What do you wanna...
you know,
when are we gonna
get him situated?
Oh. Um...
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
Tomorrow we'll
pick him up a mattress
or a sofa bed,
or futon-
Whoa, won't the
foster-whatever have a...
Dude, they're not gonna
buy us a mattress.
- 'Us?'
- Kelsey.
- No-
- Besides, if we tell them we have him,
obviously they're going
to take him away.
Well, we're not gonna keep him.
Dude, that...
That wasn't the plan.
You're not like
all of a sudden...
What did you think we hid
him from the cops for?
I dunno. Keep him
out of a group home?
I think it's time to,
you know, step up.
And I think this happened
to us for a reason.
- We can't even keep fish!
- Ben, you're spiraling.
What about his real father?
I mean, he must have...
Yeah of course, sure,
but no, he's not involved.
It doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter.
At least he's blood,
better than nothing.
- We're not 'nothing.'
- Well, I know when the novelty wears off
- and you ditch this kid, that's forever.
- No.
His father isn't your father.
That's nice.
The last thing the kid needs
is to be gotten rid of
one more time
so let's just find out
where his dad is
and take him there.
I can't go to my dad!
I don't even know him.
How long have you
been standing there?
I haven't seen him
since I was little.
He doesn't want me.
That's what he said.
- Kelsey-
- No, I won't go!
What if you had to go?
I'd run away.
That's harder than
it sounds, bud.
Trust me, I know.
I'd start stealing cars,
like you two.
I don't know. Okay?
Don't make me go.
Okay?
Don't make me go.
Promise?
Okay.
Promise.
Go back to bed, okay.
Ben?
Ben...
- Ben-
- You just promised him he could stay.
- Did you see his face?
- He's twelve. He'll get over it.
- How can you say that?
- We steal shit.
We do what we want.
We do not raise children.
That is not what
we set out to do.
He has no one.
We had each other.
Him or me?
I decided.
Well, fuck you!
- Ben.
- Hi, Marty.
You look perturbed.
What the fuck's
the matter with you?
I just... I need
a place to sleep.
Take the Camry, in the garage.
What's going on?
Where's Alan?
We had a fight.
Ah.
Alan wants to keep Kelsey.
For a sleepover?
What? No!
The mother punched her
own ticket and now...
- No shit.
- Yeah.
And now Alan just
wants to just change
our whole fucking situation
so I was like 'no.'
- No fucking way. No.
- No, no. Ben, listen...
I'm no psychologist.
Relationships?
Never been my strong point.
Look at you two.
You're lucky.
Out here ten years -
nothing but each other.
You and Alan together...
So?
So you're worthless to me
without each other.
Because you won't make a dime.
Thanks for the...
Jesus, Marty!
And the swell of my sea
is the call of all being
And the sun brings me through
And the moon draws the waves
and the pull of my heart
to the stars I keep seeing
I am light I am dark
I am no more afraid
We are off for all time
We are off as still feeling
Praise the Lord we are one...
Oh my god. I am so sorry.
I completely didn't see you.
Oh, me neither.
Oh that's my crystal decanter
for my father's
sixty-fifth birthday.
Did I tell you about my son?
I wanted him to go
to dental school,
but no, he wants to
study photography.
That's my curse.
- and I said to him-
- What am I supposed to do?
This was like four
hundred dollars!
Where's the receipt?
- What the fuck?!
- Hey...
- Hey.
- I didn't see you.
Out of curiosity,
how much did you take today?
About a hundred.
- A hundred?
- Yep.
Dollars?
Stealing Girl Scout cookies?
Giving sperm?
Maybe if you grew up to
man sized crimes
instead of pranks.
No? Is it too much?
Fucking amateur hour.
I told you you'd be
worthless solo.
What's wrong?
Ben left.
What?
He won't stay if I keep Kelsey.
I'm not just gonna put
him into foster care,
I'm not gonna get rid of him.
He's staying with me.
What are you
talking about? Alan...?
It's fine, it's cool.
No one knows, Melanie.
We hide everything
from the police...
What do you mean you hid
everything from the police?
Are you crazy?
This is the stupidest
thing I have ever heard!
What is your problem?
I am helping this kid,
that's wrong?
- Even if that were true...
- It is true!
You don't know
how to do anything
except walk out on people.
- I'm not going to do that to him.
- Well you did it to me.
- Mel, I had to get out.
- You took Ben. Not me.
Who got hit when you left?
- That's not my fault.
- Of course it's not your fault.
Nothing's your fault.
Are you mad at me?
No.
Why not?
- Why would I be mad at you?
- Where did Ben go?
Is he coming back?
I don't know.
Can I stay?
Yep.
Cool.
Yo' man,
can I get a smoke from ya?
Ah...
Do I look like a father to you?
Do I look like
I should be a father?
I don't know.
Forget it.
Thank you.
Can I...
God bless you, friend.
I'm gonna go to bed.
Good night.
Good night.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
Where you been?
You can't... you can't do that.
Don't do that.
Don't fucking walk on me, man.
So we're... we're gonna do this?
We're gonna raise
this little boy?
And feed it?
And stop him from crying,
and bleeding, and do homework?
And love him?
Why?
You know why.
What if we can't protect him?
I mean, what if he gets hurt?
What if we hurt him?
You know?
We can't do that...
Sorry...
It's alright.
You smell horrible...
You smell like bum piss.
Well, I did hug
a homeless person...
A woman.
She was very sad.
She looked like,
she needed a hug.
I gave...
You don't hug anyone,
and you hug a hobo?
Yeah. First I gave
her all my money.
Good for you.
But... she liked
the hug better I think.
Where's Kelsey?
He's asleep.
- Well, shall I go talk to him?
- Yeah, sure.
Everybody in this
place is dreaming
It's been that way forever
They're all gonna
wake up soon
They're all be hell
for leather
Up the smoky walls
of yesterday
And the dusty prince
of last year
And nicotine
burning sycophants
And the glowing mould of fear
Blow me home
Blow me home, blow me home
Take me in hold me close
Blow me home
We're aware of perspective
to not be rejected
Blow me home
Blow me home,
blow me home tonight
You want some tea?
I don't like it.
Tea is for civilized people.
People drink tea
in centers of learning.
I've never had it before.
Well...
You're gonna have to learn.
Why?
Here. Take it.
Careful.
Just... drink it.
Okay...
- Mm-mm.
- I don't believe you. Yeah right.
- Mm-mm.
- Come on.
- You like it a little bit.
- Mm-mm.
Kelsey! Kelsey!
Let's go!
Let's go.
What are you driving?
What?
Geez. I'm gonna get my ass
kicked if someone sees.
Just get in.
And don't say "ass".
Come on,
it's all we could find.
We gotta get you
to the doctor's by four.
Doctor's?
That's right.
You need some shots.
Yeah, so you don't
bring home diseases.
- Just kidding!
- We're going to Splash World!
We faked you out so hard!
Look at your face.
- That was awesome!
- Yes!
You smell like throw-up.
My shoe smells like
throw-up.
- Hello.
- Hey, how's it going, Kelsey?
Good. We went to
Splash Mountain.
- We had a very educational field trip today.
- Yep.
- Oh, you did?
- Yep.
And we learned that Splash
Mountain makes Alan puke!
- Kelsey, thank you...
- Yes we did, it's a beautiful thing.
Kelsey, you wanna go see how
Jorge makes the waffles?
- Sure.
- Hey, cool.
- Deal. Whaddya say?
- Thank you.
- Hey, boys.
- Hey, Jorge.
Hi, Jorge.
Just what in the fuck
are you doing?
Mel, we're doing this.
Okay? So...
What you're doing is selfish.
This wont fix you,
wont help anything.
It wont erase anything.
You'll just fuck up
everyone involved.
Can I get a cup
of coffee, please?
- Thanks.
- If you do this...
You will hurt him so bad...
You'll make him just like you.
Alright, that's enough.
Kelsey. We're going.
Why?
Come on, guys.
- Slow pokes.
- We're coming.
You got my shirt
and everything?
Oh yeah.
The shirt is cool.
Kelsey, get in the car.
What? Why?
- Hey wait, you can't take him!
- What are you doing, man!
Watch me.
- Kelsey!
- What are you doing?!
Hey! You've got no right!
Right? Kidnapping a little boy?
Is that a right?
- No, we're not he...
- Back off!
He has no one.
He has no extended family,
no father.
We're all he's got!
A mother dies,
and you thought
you could just take him?
That no one would notice?
That no one would care?
- No. All we've done is take care of Kelsey.
- Save it.
- I'm taking him to the police.
- Don't do that man.
- Hold on!
- Please, don't take him!
They got me a sofa bed.
We went and tested them out.
I got to pick which one.
And they didn't even care.
- And Alan says soon we're gonna
move into the front house... - Kelsey.
so I can have my own room.
Look, that's all fine
but it's not...
- It's not a mother...
- She hated me!
I'm sure that isn't true.
Listen, you guys had
a very difficult time
with the hurricane.
- When an act of God like that happens...
- I'm not from there.
What?
She made me say that we
were from New Orleans,
so people would treat us nicer.
Look, you may not
understand this,
but this is the best
thing for you, okay.
They wanted me.
They couldn't take
care of you, Kelsey.
No one has ever
wanted me before.
But they wanted me!
- It's not enough.
- Yes, it is!
It could have been.
Get on it, Kels!
Get on it, Kels!
- Alright, come on, Kelsey.
- Get on it, Kels. Top corner!
- Top three, yes.
- Top three.
See how my sword weeps
for the poor Kings death.
- Yes.
- Excellent.
Very adult coloring here.
- Where you going?
- Just out. None of your business.
I don't know what the fuck
you're talking about!
What am I talking about?
It's not my fucking
fault, it's you.
Fuck!
Blue.
That's so easy,
it's right there.
You total idiot.
Sorry for your loss.
Condolences.
Head on the hood.
Spread your legs.
Do not resist me.
Do not resist me.
There he is.
Yes!
Welcome out.
Freedom!
You guys have to
stop stealing cars.
Kelsey!
- Come on.
- Yeah.
...six, seven, eight...
Welcome to Wiggles,
the Wiggles Waffles...
Can you make your hips go back?
And I'm a professional!
We just need some hotdogs.
What's up, buddy?
Yea.
Kelsey?
Kelsey?
The group home was okay?
At least the water's hot.
I'm sorry, Kelsey.
It's our job, my job actually,
to protect you,
kids like you
from people like that.
It's no excuse,
obviously, but...
Sometimes, you know...
Sometimes we just can't
get there soon enough.
Hey,
I promise I'm gonna be around
a lot more from now on.
Okay?
We're gonna find you a family
that you can stay
with for a while.
Become an adoptive
family maybe.
We'll see.
But...
Nothing bad is gonna happen
to you anymore.
Alright?
With the new people can
I have my own room?
We'll see what we can do.
You wanna go meet them?
There's a busy infidel
She crept about the palace
And we had poor defense
And she had little malice
A gentle touch put here
A saddened hurt embrace
I wouldn't kiss enough
To put them in their place
So where my father went
Is not now common knowledge...
Alright.
Here we go.
- You got your toothbrush?
- Yeah dad, I've got it.
You got the map of the school,
so you don't get lost.
You guys need to chill out.
Be cool.
- I will be fine.
- It is cool.
And, I just want you to know,
we're gonna be
around if you need...
It's only an hour drive.
I promise to visit.
- Right.
- Cool.
- He promises to come visit.
- Good. Good.
Son, I'm so proud of you.
Thank you.
Alright, you guys
need to get out of here.
Alright. Don't forget
your six string now.
Express yourself, bud.
I'm Kelsey Manilow-Dwellman.
I think I'm in room 322-B.
It's alright.
- Let's go.
- I'm not ready yet.
Alright, you guys
need to get out of here cuz...
Okay.
See you in four years.
- I love you, son.
- See you, bud.
Okay.
Wow, we did it!
All the fruit turned red
Some of them still green
But never will you see one
that's stuck and in between
As all came from a garden
where the wind has died down low
And there my father went
to help the green fruit grow
He tends them with a smile
His fingers stroke the leaves
He'll never leave the garden
It's all that I believe
Hey, Marty.
This is it...
What can I get ya?
A side of you.
I knew you'd be happy.
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
Oh Marty, no. No...
But I can give you, you know...
A lots...
I am... sure.
You're a great guy,
- and I think you're...
- You touched me...
It's not gonna happen again,
and there is someone out there
who will want to touch you
- but I don't.
- You only know seventy percent of me...
- Try for his wallet, Kelsey.
- Kelsey!
What are you doing?!
- I am so sorry...
- Apologize to this man.
I can't believe this.
I am so sorry.
No matter what we try
he just keeps on stealing!
You are gonna be
punished, mister!
Hundreds of kittens and puppies
being put down every week.
Hundreds of kittens...?
- A week.
- No, I'm sorry.
A small donation
could mean salvation
to many of these defenseless
kittens and puppies.
Hundreds of kittens... Lord...
So many people have been
so mean to me out here today.
I noticed you
donated to that guy
from the animal shelter.
And I... I don't know
if my conscience
could rest saving dogs
when there are 20,000 people
sleeping in the
Superdome tonight!
Fine!
Paper... I told you!
- Best five out of nine.
- No, get in there.
That's the last time
I'm doing it.
March issue. 1988.
Good for the articles.
Come on, little man, finish up.
You don't have
to write it a poem.
I'm gonna go in
the kitchen sink.
Kelsey, we sat you down today
because we want to
talk to you about.
Something very important.
First off, what happens
in Penthouse
does not happen in real life.
It never looks that good.
You don't want to
get a girl pregnant
before you're...
Um... In love with her.
And ready to start
a life with her.
Yes.
And each time you have
sex, you are risking...
Marriage.
- You put this...
- You put this on...
On that.
Why would you put
that on a banana?
No, not on the banana...
You put this on your...
On your... body...
You can't ask me to marry you
because I'm your waitress,
and I have other
customers to serve.
And I don't serve
them... in that way.
You sure?
Okay sure, let's do it.
Let's get married.
Really? That's...
No. Fuck off.
Come on, bud.
- You know it's only a metaphor, right?
- Yeah.
I thought it was nice imagery.
Flowers in my garden
Birds in all the trees
This is where I am rooted
Still I've got to leave
Yes I must be cut down
Yes I've got to go far
For bread and wine
I'll extoll the meek
And sainted wings
In every keep
Chopping changing Roman girl
Plopping laughing cockney man
I'm in the small things
with the bloom
And you can't
give me any news
Except the small things
that you need
Will be around you
when you listen
And it will be peculiar
That we're on this
long trodden earth
And we might be familiar
Were it not for them
that gave us birth
And were it not a separation
Cut of binding congregation
The eyes we're given
give us sight
Of one another in the light
And in the doorway
of a dark cafe
And Just before I fall asleep
And dream of you
And wait to find you
in another day