A Bit of Bad Luck (2014) Movie Script

I had the world by the balls
Want details?
Okay. I had more money
than I knew what to do with.
A respected lawyer. In demand.
And my wife. Was beautiful.
From a wealthy family of timber
And then...
I threw it all away.
Honey, please, put the gun down.
Who is she?
There's no one.
Is it that bitch Sandy again?
I don't know what you're talking
Is she good in the sack,
I'm gonna call, Doctor Nessbaum,
Is she young?
We're gonna talk this through.
You, me, and Dr. Nessbaum.
Is that why you're leaving me
again this weekend?
Give me the gun.
Where'd you get this thing?
It's not loaded.
Have you been taking your
You're not gonna tell the doctor
are you?
What, that you threatened to
kill me again?
Whose the woman you're meeting
this weekend, huh Brooks?
Amanda we've been through this a
dozen times.
I'm doing work for an out of
town client. I don't like
these weekends away anymore than
you do.
Then take me with you.
You know I can't do that.
I don't believe you.
I'll see you Sunday evening.
Brooks darling, please don't
leave me...
I have to go.
I'm glad I didn't shoot you
Me too.
It would've been far too
Adulterers like you should be
stoned to death like they
do in the Middle East.
You know why don't you, um,
why don't you hold that thought.
And we'll discuss it when I get
back, 'Kay?
You're not the only ones with
plans this weekend Brooks.
I have a few plans myself.
(Traffic sounds)
So professor, what you're saying
is that there is such a thing as
divine reciprocity or karma if
you will, and that we all get
our just deserts in the end.
I don't know if it's divinely
inspired or not,
we now have scientific evidence
supporting the idea of what goes
around comes around.
Hey Leonard, It's Brooks
Caldwell here, um, I'm calling
about Amanda - seems she stopped
taking her medications again.
Could you give me a call as soon
as you get this, I'm on my cell.
I'm talking about God's laws,
one man, one woman,
one life time on this earth, and
woe to the wicked sinner
who thinks differently.
You took forever...
That's dangerous activity you're
engaged in.
Thanks... but I've already had
that 9th grade health class.
I don't mean your smoking.
Then what?
The magazine you're reading.
Come again?
It'll turn you into a
A what?
A hater of men.
Oh, my God, okay.
You know, maybe some men deserve
to be hated.
Want proof?
How to tell when he's lying, 8
free and easy ways to invesigate
his background, how to know if
you're dating a sociopath.
Well, I'm not done with reading
this thank you very much.
I just read it for the fashion.
Ohhhh, sure. That's the bait
they use to lure you -
helpless and unsuspecting women
Mmmhmmm. It's to buy it. It's
when you start reading the
articles, 'ehhhh, that's when
the real brainwashing begins.
You know, the only person trying
to brainwash me around here
Oh yeah? Look at this. Why the
married man you're having an
affair with is probably just
using you, I mean, where do
these broads get all off really.
Well, is that what you're doing?
Using me?
Come on I m here, aren t I?
I m with you every chance I get.
What more do you want from me?
I just don t understand why our
situation has to be so
difficult. I mean you tell me
your wife is crazy and you hate
being married to her, you guys
don't have any children.
I mean, come on you could
leave her this weekend if you
It's not that simple Heather.
It's the money, isn't it?
She's your meal ticket.
I wouldn't say that. I... I have
my own career, in fact,
my job pays very well.
Yeah, but you've said it
yourself, all of your clients
or most of them are connected to
her family. They would all drop
you if you leave her, right?
And her income is from a trust
fund that you can't touch.
How do you know about that?
I know about her family. The
Smiths own all the timberland
around here. They've been
exploiting the people and
the resources of this area
for decades.
Some people might call that
creating jobs.
She has life insurance, right?
Yeah. So?
It would take care of the
mortgage and probably a lot
for you, too.
I m not sure I like the direct-
ion this conversation is headed.
Look, all I'm saying is that all
of our problems would be
solved if she were to...
Unexpectedly die.
It could be made to look like a
No, seriously! You've told me
yourself she's tried to kill
herself before, right?
Will you listen to yourself...
I mean just...
just listen to yourself.
What? Self defense! That's
even better. I mean it is
well documented that she has
threatened to kill you in the
Who are you??
We can do this. Together.
Just us.
I would share the risk with you.
Alright, that s enough, Heather.
Enough of this conversation,
okay? I don't want to talk about
it anymore.
I guess that I just thought that
I could believe you when you
told me that you really loved
Come on... come on.
You know I do.
But you love your wife, too.
Yeah. I mean, No! No!
I didn't mean that.
(OC): Oh, Hell!!
Come on!! (sigh)
I didn t (tsk) . . . I didn t
mean it like that!
What I meant was I uh... I
love her like I'd love a
relative, you know? A
family member.
Go away!!
Come on! Open the door, Honey!
Leave me alone!
mad here. You just just asked
me to kill my wife, you know.
Heather (OC): You know what?
Maybe you should go home
to your psycho wife before she
tries to kill herself again.
Seeing how you love
her so much.
Why don t you say that louder so
everyone in the hotel can
You know what? I can see how
somebody being married to
you would want to kill
I seem to recall your confessing
to me about your own suicide
attempts, sleeping pills,
wasn't it?
Oh, screw you!!
Go away!!
Alright! Fine! ...
I'll be out here when you're
ready to talk.
This time it s loaded, Brooks!
Heather?... Honey?
Heather?... You in there?
Oh, God!... Oh, God...
Oh, God!!
9 1 1, what
is your emergency
Uh, yes...
uh... uh.
Sir? What is your emergency?
Uh.... I'm sorry, I...
I miss dialed.
C'mon Brooks! Think!
Think!... Fuck!... FUCK!
Son of a Bitch!
Fucking hell!
Hey, I'm Chuck.
Oh, hey.
Looks like they got you,
Who's they?
Probably some kids last night.
Yeah, they drained me dry.
A few others, too.
Manager says the police are on
their way. What room you in?
I'll come get you when they
show up.
Oh... um... I'm...
I'm not staying here.
Do you know if there's a
gas station nearby?
Yeah. There's a service station
about 15 miles down the
highway south of here.
Seein' as you have a ...
high bird, you should
probably make it.
Less they did anything
else to your car.
Why?... What do you mean,
anything else?
Sure you don't want to wait for
the police to show up?
You know file a report?
I'm late as it is. Thank you.
Appreciate it.
The physical laws of sowing and
reaping are just as immutable
as the law of gravity. Whatever
a man sows, that very thing,
shall he reap.
Sir... Excuse me.
May I help you?
Uh... yeah. I... I... I can't
seem to get this thing
This is a full service station,
sir. I'm going to pump that
gas for you.
Oh... sorry.
What do you need?
Uh... Can you fill her up with
premium, please?
Pay inside.
Okay. Thank you.
Um hum.
Can you tell me the uh...
quickest way to get to
I-5 from here?
You're a long ways from I-5.
What I'd do is head back north
about 25 miles and link up with
Highway 165. From there you
take 410. You're looking at
about an hours drive.
Yeah, I know that... uh...
I actually came that way...
uh, I was just wondering if
there was a way to reach the
interstate without going back
the way I came.
Well, what I mean is... um...
if I keep heading south on the
highway here, is there a way
I could eventually find a ...
a different route?
I'm sorry sir. Not any way that
I know of.
Are you staying in the
area over the weekend?
I say are you in the area
over the weekend?
Oh, no. I'm just kinda
exploring. I'm an explorer.
So you're from Seattle?
No...no. Not... not Seattle
exactly. I'm just... uh...
uh... I'm just
from around.
Thank you.
Oh... here. On second thought,
I'll just pay with cash.
That'll be fine.
Thank you.
There you go.
If you'll pardon my asking,
sir. Is everything alright?
Yeah. Everything's fine. Why...
why... why do you ask?
No reason.
Thank you.
What has he done to my car?
Excuse me! Can I help you?
What... what...
I noticed this pool of
water under your car.
It's just as I suspected. You've
got a hole in your radiator.
A hole? That's... that's
impossible! This is
If you look down here, you ll
see that your fan belt broke
and because the fan itself was
probably loose, it slashed
That's crazy! Then why isn't
there a water trail leading
into your parking lot?
It must have just happened
when you pulled in.
Not necessarily, sir. This sort
of thing happens all the time.
Goddamn it!
I was told there were some kids
messing around with people s
cars back at the motel. They
must have done this.
You were at a motel?
Over at the Seasons?
No... the guy who told me said
he was... was staying at
a motel.
Well, sir, if this is a new car.
Someone might have
loosened your fan.
Is there a reason someone would
want to do that to you?
No... Look, forget I mentioned
it. Um... how long will it
take for you guys to fix it?
We could sell you a new fan
belt that'd probably work.
But someone's going to have to
bend that fan back in place and
patch up the hole in the
radiator. We're just not set up
Can't you make some calls and
find out if someone in the
area can help me?
Okay, Bob, thanks. I ll tell
him. Well, we ran into a
bit of luck.
There's a repair shop up in
Creechville that can do
the work.
Creechville. It's about 20 miles
away as the crow flies.
It's an old logging town.
Um... I've never heard of it.
I mean I've never driven
Well, you wouldn't drive through
the place. It's not on the way
to anywhere. Like I say, it's
just an old logging town.
One road leading in and out.
And there are people up there
who know how to work on
Well, they just need to bend
your fan back in place,
patch up the radiator.
They come down here to buy parts
from me now and again but
mostly people from Creechville
stick to themselves.
Well, how... how do I get my car
up there?
We can probably hammer it back
into shape but it won t be a
long term fix. You'll have to
replace it with a new one when
you get back to the city.
I don't understand how something
like this could have happened
without my noticing.
So what about the radiator?
It's a pretty big gash. We can
patch that well enough for you
to make it home but then you're
going to need to get you a new
radiator too.
How long is all this going
to take?
Well, we can start on it this
afternoon. We could have it
ready by... tomorrow morning
around 10.
I need to be out of here today.
Look... if it's a matter of
money, I'd be more than happy to
pay whatever is necessary to
Sir, your business is a
priority to us, but I m . . .
I'm sorry, tomorrow is the best
we can do.
Uh . . . Is there a hotel
nearby that I could stay at?
Well, we got a motel here in
town, but it s probably too
run down for your taste.
Yeah . . . yeah. There s a much
better place about 40 minutes
away, probably passed that on
your way in. It's not far from
where we picked you up at. I'll
just have Fran here drive
Thanks all the same, but I...
I'd sooner just...
just stay here in town near the
I d be happy to drive you
over to The Seasons. I . ..
I don't know if you're familiar
with it, but the rooms are
real nice.
I'm sure it's nice, but I'd
prefer to just stay here.
Suit yourself. I'll call and let
them know you're on the way.
Okay, so where is this place?
So just head down this road,
then make a left on the main
street and just keep going and
you'll run right into it.
Thank you.
I'll give you a call over in the
morning when your car is
ready, sir.
Thank you.
That the guy?
Yep, that's him.
Left on main. Keep going.
You can't miss it!
Excuse me, sir.
You know where the... uh...
where the motel is in town?
Sure, go down to the stop sign,
make a right, can't miss it.
Thank you.
I'm Bill Creech.
Oh... um... I'm...
I'm Brooks.
We don't get visitors here
very often.
Well, I can see why. Uh...
I've lived in Washington
for years and it's the first
time I've heard of the place.
We're off the beaten path.
That's certainly an
We were a logging town for
years. The timber company
pulled out in 89, some folks
decided to leave. Most of us
refused to let this place die.
Hi Cindy!
Hi Bill!
Cindy, this is Brooks.
Hi, Brooks! So you're a
How'd you know that?
Oh... sorry... I, I used to work
in a law office and you
attorneys just have a certain
look about you, that's all.
Really? What... what kind
of look is that?
You know. I'm so sorry, I really
didn't mean anything by it.
Um... please excuse me. I
need to get to work.
Well, it was nice chatting with
you, I'd better get um...
checked into my room.
I'm sure we'll see you again
Wow. Hello?
Just hold your horses!
Auck! I'll be there
in a minute!!
Can I help you?
Yes, I would like a room for
tonight, please.
You have to wait til my husband,
Bruce, comes back.
Well, uh... can't you just
help me?
Well, sir, if I could help you,
I probably wouldn t have told
you that you have to wait until
my husband comes back.
Uh... look, my name is
I already know who you
are. I just got off the phone
with Stew.
Hi, can I help you?
I thought you left.
This is the guy.
Hi, I'm Bruce and this is
my wife, Greta.
Yes. We, already met.
So... then just for tonight?
Let's hope so.
Do you prefer a king bed?
Sure... whatever.
I just need a $10 deposit
for incidentals.
You gotta be kidding me!
Phone Operator (OC):
If you'd like to make a call,
please hang up and try again.
Just a minute!
Oh, it's you.
Hi. Do you know where
I might...
You gotta love that small
town hospitality.
My apologies about that. How's
that room working out for
you, sir?
Just peachy.
Can I help you?
Yes. Do you know where I might
go to get a drink around here?
Yeah. Walt Porter's place, just
around the corner from here.
You be real careful out there
tonight, sir.
Thank you.
Excuse me, I'll...
I'll have a beer.
You don't look like
you're from here.
Thank you.
You're kinda funny looking.
How about that beer? Ma'am...
Jeez... what does a fella have
to do get a beer in
this place?
You want some of mine?
Would... you... like... to...
mine... share with me?
That s a tempting offer but I m
the kinda guy that
likes to drink his own.
Well, if you change your mind,
the offer still stands.
Hello? Ma'am?
Hey Ricky!
Did you lose a boot?
Give 'er back!
Throw it over here!
Lose one? It's more like
he found one?
That was funny.
Thanks, I think.
I'm Walt Porter.
I own this bar.
Hi, I'm Brooks. Is this...uh,
where you... uh, throw
me out on my ear?
Hell no. Your business is
welcome here.
Becky, I think I heard this
gentleman order a beer
a moment ago.
Thank you.
So, you're that Seattle attorney
with the Lexus over at
Stew's shop huh?
How is that everyone seems to
know who I am?
Well, the truth is... uh, you
left some of your legal
paperwork in the car and Stew
and the boys over there
took note.
Is that so?
Shoot, all the better for you as
I see it.
How's that?
Um... Nobody wants to do
slipshod work on an
attorney's car.
I wish that were true.
It's a nice place you got here.
Not really. Uh . . . but it s
the only place in town folks
can go to get a drink. Not like
those fancy places, I bet you go
to up in Seattle.
Uhh, not that fancy.
Howdy! The name's Curtis.
I understand you're a lawyer,
I am.
Do you know much about
divorce law?
Um, enough to steer
well clear of it.
Would you mind if I asked
you a question?
I ve been married for over 30
years. My wife moved out last
month and now she's got this
lawyer down in Pierce County
uhhh... and they're going to try
to take me to the cleaners.
Now, what I wanted to ask you
was can . . . can they do that?
I... supported her for over 30
years and she did nothing but
sit home and get fat, and now,
according to her attorney
she can take everything I own
and force me to support her
for the rest of her life.
I hear you, Curtis, but uhm,
unless you signed a Pre-Nup,
there's really no getting around
the... uh, community property
laws in this state.
Community property!
Um-huh. That's where she gets to
keep the property and you,
my friend, get to live out in
the community.
Smells like communism
to me.
Curtis! It's the screwing you
get for all the screwing
you got!
So my client says to me before
his divorce trial, I know I m
going to take it up the ass on
this one, your job is so that
they don't pour sand in
the Vaseline.
I told my boss how I lost the
trial. He said, "Did the client
pay in full?" When I told him
yes, he said, "Oh, you won
that one!"
So the judge sentences him to
500 years on all 14 counts
and when the Defendant
protested, the judge just
smiled and said, Don t worry
Mr. Ramirez, you can cut that
time in half with good
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug, chug, chug
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug, chug, chug
You got some real funny stories,
Counselor. You made me
feel better.
Hey, Walt. Who is that guy?
That there's Bobby Creech.
Hmmm. I think I met his
dad today?
No, you met his granddaddy.
Why is he so broken up?
Found out this afternoon that
his wife's dead.
Uh... that's too bad.
The handwriting was on the wall
if you ask me. Old Heather
had all sorts of problems,
mental and otherwise.
Including trying to sleep
with every guy...
Wait, wait a minute. Did...
did you say her name was...
Yeah, good old pill
popping Heather.
That lady was the biggest whore
in the county.
I tried to warn Bobby before he
got married to that bitch.
Wouldn t ya know he didn t
talk to me for almost a year
after that.
Well, they found her around noon
sprawled out on the bathroom
floor in some motel up the
Yeah, the Seasons I think it
was. She'd overdosed on
sleeping pills, You know, she's
trying to take her own life.
She was in a coma when the
cleaning lady found her.
She died later at
the hospital.
She was... uh, alive when they,
when they found her?
Yes, sir. Apparently, they said
at the hospital if somebody
had found her even just an hour
sooner, huh . . .
she probably would have
pulled through.
Oh, God.
You want to know the
real rub of the whole thing?
She wasn't alone in that
motel room.
You don't think she'd be staying
in a motel all by herself?
That woman?
Well, how... how do you
know for sure?
Well, it seems some folks at the
motel saw him leave her room
this morning in an awful hurry.
The way I figure it, whoever
this guy was that she was
banging probably woke up
this morning and found her on
the floor.
Taking her for dead, not wanting
to deal with the cops,
I think he just decided to get
the hell out of Dodge.
But then, being an attorney, you
probably see this stuff all the
Anybody, uh, anybody know
who this guy is?
No... not yet anyway.
Well, she was seeing three
different guys, not counting
her husband, Bobby,
of course.
Of course.
So the Creech s and some other
folks are trying to track down
the identity of whoever this guy
was that was with her at the
motel. They're blaming whoever
he is for Heather's death.
Can't say I blame them for that.
So they're... they're trying to
find this guy so they can...
they can turn him into the
police, right?
Well, maybe, but... uh, I think
it's going to be a little more
Well, you didn t hear it from me
but . . .uh well what I mean
to say is I assume we can have
a little attorney/client
privilege here?
Uh, a couple of years back,
Heather was carrying on with
a biker dude from Ashford.
Yeah, they were having an affair
and being right out in the open
about the whole thing...
And... uh, the Creeches
approached the guy about it.
So, Mr. Badass tells the
Creeches to go screw
Then what?
And then Mr. Badass Biker
Dude up and disappears
without a trace one day.
Well, maybe, uh... the guy
just decided to move on.
Yeah, well word around the
campfire, he moved on up
the mountain where he's buried
under 18 feet of dirt courtesy
of our town's elder citizens.
Th... th, that's just a
rumor right?
Uhh, I don't know. Heather
didn't seem to think so.
You actually think they want to
kill this guy, I mean...
assuming they find him right?
Oh, they'll find his ass
You can count on that.
Hey Walt! Can we see you
over here for a minute?
That's Johnny Creech, Bobby's
brother. I'd better go pay my
respects. You just sit tight,
Counselor. I'll be right back.
Can I get you anything else,
No, I'm fine. Uh, where's
the restroom?
Through the kitchen, down
the hall. Can't miss it.
Oh, Thank you.
C'mon man, pull yourself
together. No one here
knows shit.
Hey Counselor, where are you
off to in such a hurry?
Oh, uh, Walt, thanks for the
drinks, but I... I, gotta get
home to bed.
Ahh, son, let me buy you
another round.
Ahh, mmm... I really need
to get some sleep.
Come on, Counselor, just a quick
nightcap with some 10 year old
whiskey I just opened.
Okay, just a small one.
Now you're talking.
Here's to ya!
No Sir, this one's for you.
That's good. Aww... I needed
that! Yeah, I needed that.
You know, Brooks, it's been a
real pleasure having you
here in my place.
Naw, the pleasures all mine.
You take care now.
You too...
Give me his room key.
Fuck! What the fuck!
Shit! Fuck!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
You! I want to talk
to you!
You! I thought I told you to
get the hell out of here.
I've been robbed! My, my,...
my, my laptop, my phone!
My room has been ransacked!
I don't know about that! What I
do know is that you came in
here last night drunk as a
skunk and screamed profanities
at my wife.
What! I was not drunk
last night!
Yes! You were! You also
threatened us. Now,
get out of here before I call
the police!
Where are my belongings?
I want them right now!
You get out of here and don't
you ever come back here again!
You've not heard the last from
Don't come back!
You couldn't pay me to!
Cindy, Cindy... Hold... hold on
a sec, wait, wait... wait, wait.
Hold on... wait!
You seen Walt Porter?
Please, Mister, don't
drag me into this.
Drag, drag you into what?
What are you talking about?
Look you're in grave danger.
You need to get out of here!
What do you mean?
I never met you before in my
life. Now, please leave me
Wait... wait a minute!
No! Get your hands off of
me! Help!
What kind of game are you people
Leave her alone!
Shit Bird!
Walt! Hey Walt!
You in there?
It's closed,
I can see that. Thank you.
Walt! Open up!
Nobody wants you here.
Why don't you just leave!
And why don't you mind your
own business, dumb redneck!
What did you call me?
A dumb red...
Fuck! That fucking hurt!
That's right! Run home to your
Mom! You little pussy!
Yes, you can help me!
You can help me by getting
my car right now,
Um, um... I'm sorry, sir.
I don't understand.
My Lexus, the one I dropped
off yesterday.
The one that was supposed to be
ready by now?
Just get my fucking car and
bring it out right now!
Sir, we don't have your Lexus
here or any Lexus for that
Oh, is that so? Well, then you
won't mind if I take a look
around just to make sure.
Sir, is this some kind of joke
because it's not very funny.
Where the fuck is my car? What
the fuck did you do with my car?
I think you need to leave.
You know what? I've had just
about enough of the little
games you people are
playing here.
Well, I don't have your car.
Well, then you better find it
before I smash your skull
against this wall like
an egg!
There he is boys!
Hey Counselor! What are
you running for?
We just want to talk to you is
all! We, we ain't gonna
Oh... Thank God!
What the hell you doing
out here?
I came from Creechville.
Creechville? That's like three
miles away!?
Yeah, I know. Look, can
you give me a ride? Please?
Where do you want a ride to?
Anywhere, just away from here.
Someplace where I can...
you know, make a call.
I'm sorry, I can't do that.
Against County Policy.
Well, well... if you can't do
that then why'd you ask me
where you could take me?
I don't know, I was just
curious, I guess.
Look, sir. This is... this is
a life and death situation.
I'm sorry but I could
lose my job.
Loo, loo... lose your job?
Who would ever know.
I don't know. I could be drunk
at a bar and just let it slip.
Look, I... I, I have a bunch of
crazed lunatics who are trying
to kill me! Can you please,
for the love of God, give me
a lift out of here! I'm begging
you! Please!
I said no. Now, I've got to get
back to work.
No, no please! Don't go. It, it,
it's okay. Just a ride. Not far.
I don't need to go far. Just a
little ways further, please.
Wait.... wait!
KID #1
Whoa... whoa, whoa, wait.
What's up? Can I help you?
Yeah, is this your place?
My folks.
KID #2
What... what do you want?
You guys, you're not from
Creechville, are you?
KID #3
KID #2
What is Creechville?
KID #1
We're not hicks okay?
We're from Tacoma.
I'm sorry, I need your help.
I ran into a little trouble
back there.
It's just some people who are
after me. Do... you don't have
a phone here by any chance,
do you?
Hey boss, why are these people
after you if I may be rude
Well, that's the uh, that's the
million dollar question.
Ha, Ha. I don't know.
I have no idea.
KID #1
No reason?
KID #2
Uh, No reason!
KID #3
Not at all.
So, basically, what you re
saying is these people over in
Shitsville just randomly picked
your name out of a hat and
said Let s get this
Kind of. So, um... do you have
a phone I could use?
Well, that all depends...
On what? What are you talking
about? Either you have a phone
KID #2
Whoa, easy Boss. See, I think
that actually depends on how
much you're willing to pay
for the privilege.
Pay? Okay, okay. Fine. I'm
perfectly happy to pay.
Fuck! Fuck! Son of a Bitch!
Fuck! They took my money!
KID #3
Your life s starting to sound
like what the ancient Greeks
would call a Tragedy, Dude.
Sorry, Buddy. No money...
no phone.
Okay, Look, I'm... I'm a lawyer,
okay. I've got plenty of money.
If you let me use your phone, I
will send the money to you as
soon as I get home. I swear
to God.
KID #2
Oh, yeah. Yeah! Why don t I
just give you my P.O.
Box number, Mister?
Alright, this... this is a Rolex
watch. It's yours if you just
let me use your phone.
That looks like a phoney.
KID #2
That is a knock-off!
It is not a knock-off! This is
a Rolex Oyster Perpetual
Time Change. This is worth
minimum... minimum three
grand on E-Bay.
KID #3
Let me scalp it.
KID #1
Let me get this straight...
you're going to give us a
three thousand dollar watch...
Yeah, just for thirty seconds...
just so I can call the police.
KID #2
Uh, oh.
KID #3
The cops?
KID #1
You said you're an attorney,
KID #1
Okay, what do you think the cops
are going to do when they come
here and see a bunch of under
age kids having a party?
KID #2
Duh, Dumbass
Lawyers Man!
KID #1
You need to get out
of here!
Okay, this is bullshit!
Give me back my watch!
KID #1
Hey, I wouldn't do that if
I were you!
I need to borrow your phone!
Hey Jerk!
Yeah, Hi! I need to report...
Hey, hey, okay, okay...
okay, I'm leaving.
I'm leaving. Let go of me!
KID #1
Told you not to come in here!
KID #2
Private Party!
Fuck You!
Anybody home?
Oh, Ma'am, I'm so sorry. I,
I... I didn't mean to scare you.
Oh no! an intruder!
No, no, no ma'am... you...
you don't understand, I...I
Vicious criminal, now I suppose
you're going to take me as your
bounty and force me to do
your bidding.
Now you're going to rape me,
aren't you, you beast!
Lady, I... I don't want to hurt
you. I just want to use
Very well, you animal! It
appears as if I have no
choice in the matter. I will
submit to you. You may do
with me as your lustful,
depraved desires dictate.
Are you listening to me?
I assume you want to
tie me up.
There's some rope in my
No, no... I, I really don't.
No, wait, stop that!
No, look lady, I just need
your help, okay?
Ohhh, I see. You like to be
hurt, don't you.
One moment!
Wait . . . wa. . . wait! Wh .
. . wh . . . wh. . .
where are you going?... No, no,
no...no, put that down!
Ow! . . . Ow! Ow! That hurt!
Ow! Ow! Knock it off!
Ed, you fucking asshole! First
you re over an hour late getting
here and then you fuck
everything up by not playing
along! So you know what?
I'm not in the mood anymore.
I d appreciate it if you d just
leave now.
Look. First off, my name is not
Ed, it's Brooks, and I have no
idea what you're talking about.
So your online name isn't
King Kong Dong?
No, I... I don't have an
online name.
Then how did you end
up here?
KID #3
KID #1
You guys aren't cops are you?
Seen a man around here today?
Mid-30's, short hair, blue
Squirelly looking guy?
That's right.
Yeah, we kicked his out
of here.
'Bout how long ago?
Ahh, like 40 minutes...
I'm not talking to you.
That sounds about right.
You know which direction
he went?
That way, sir.
Come on.
Now my life is
in danger...
And yours too probably if they
catch you with me.
So could you please . . . please
just find it in your heart to
let me use your phone?
Brooks, honey, of course, but
the things is this cabin
doesn't have a phone.
Alright, we, well, do you have
a cell phone I could use?
I do, but there's no reception
out here.
Uh, wait... wait, I saw a car!
You have a car here right?
Maybe you could drive me
someplace where I can
call the cops. It would really
mean a lot to me.
Baby, I don't think it's a good
idea for you to go out there
right now, it could be really
That's why I need to call the
You know you're much more
handsome than the pictures
I saw of Ed.
Baby, you seem really up tight.
Why don't you let me run
you a hot bath.
Thanks, but I think I
really should be...
You can stay here with me
for a few days. You'll be
safe here. We only have one
bed, but I'm sure we can share.
Look, you're very nice, but I
really just need to use your
Hey! Asshole! I m throwing
myself at you here.
You know how many men would
kill to be in your position?
Well, I . . . I . . . I m very
flattered . . .
I just need to get out of here.
Well... Fuck you and the horse
you rode in on, Buster!
You know what you are?
Yes, in a hurry.
You're nothing but a spoiled
rich little brat! You think
you're too good for me.
Sorry, this is a life or death
situation. I need your keys.
Yesss! Ma am, I ll bring your
car back as soon I can and
I promise I won't put a dent
on it.
Now step out of the car,
Mister! Move It!
Please don't do this.
Drop the car keys!
Scram Faggot! If I see you
around here again, I'll
blow your fucking brains
Oh, my God, sir.
Are you alright?
No, I'm not. Uh, wha... what...
where am I?
You're in Ashford.
Pierce County?
Okay, uh, I need to
use your phone.
Well, we have a pay phone
out front.
No-no. You don t understand.
I don t have any money
This is a very urgent matter...
I need to call the police.
Do you have a phone in
the store I can use?
No sir. I'm afraid we
Okay, what about you?
A cell phone... cell phone.
Do you have a cell phone
Yeah . . . I have cell phone,
but before I call the police
I need to know what s going on
here so I can tell them
Uh, okay, uh... uh... where do I
begin? Uh, well, what happened
when I woke up this morning and
uh . . . well, it's just too
long of a story. There's a lot
of people after me...
It s a matter of life and death.
I need to call the cops.
Please . . . please . . . please
I m begging you? Please.
Okay, I'll call the police for
Look, I don't get good reception
in here so I'm just going to
step outside and...
...Call 'em. You stay right
here. Don't touch anything.
Of course. Thank you.
Thank you again.
Creechville Police, May
I help you?
Hi Betty.
Is that you girl?
Oh, no!
So are you going to make it to
the BBQ at Hanks?
Yeah, I was hoping to, but I got
called into the store, so I'm
actually in Ashford until 10.
So what's going on?
Well, I got here about an hour
ago and you will not guess
who just walked in asking me
to call the police for him.
I... I don't understand what's
taking so long. It's ... it's
been almost 40 minutes. You
did tell them it was an
emergency right?
Yes, sir. I told them. They
said they're on their way.
Look, I'm... I'm very grateful
for your help, but I think I'm
going to try one of the houses
down the street and see if
they'll let me call so I can
find out what the delay
is, okay?
No, I wouldn't do that, they
should be by any minute.
Look, I would hate to have
them show up and you're
not here, especially seeing
how it was me who
called them.
I'll be right back.
Somebody call for the police?
Hey Tammy.
Hi boys.
Hey, Fellas. Little out of
your jurisdiction, aren't you?
You Brooks Caldwell?
You know who I am.
Mr. Caldwell, we have a
warrant for your arrest.
Warrant for what?
I have the right to speak to a
You're a lawyer aren't
Guess you'll have to talk to
yourself, then.
Fuck You! Asshole!
You watch it!
Oh, Jeez.
What kind of place is this?
What's the matter, Man?
Not cozy enough for you?
Who's there?
Just me.
Who's me?
I'm Mark.
Well, Mark, you certainly have a
cozy enough looking cell.
Uh, well, thank you.
I am, but now that you're here
they made me the jail trustee.
You're kidding me right?
Naw, and if I were you, I d
watch the way you talk to
these officers here, unless
you want to do some time
You mean that this isn't the
hole? There's someplace
worse than this?
Oh, hell yeah.
Well, I take it you spent
some time in it.
A whole month. Man, I
wouldn't wish that on
my worst enemy. That's
why I'm warning you.
Thank you, Mark, but I don t
belong in here. They re lacking
proper... uh, venue and
jurisdiction. They illegally
arrest me without any basis
probable cause. When I get
with my civil suit against these
clowns, I m gonna own
this one-horse town. They re
gonna rue the day they put
me in here, I can tell you that.
You know that was the exact
same thing I said when they
hauled me in here. Can I
step around? This is a little
awkward talking to you like
Oh, and can you please shut
the lid on that? That shit has
been bugging me for three
Wait, wait a minute. Your cell
door doesn't lock?
Uh, well, not exactly. I mean,
it locks. They just allow it
to stay unlocked.
You mean, you... you,
you can get out of here?
Yeah, I mean, they'll let me
out to go to church, see my
family twice a week and other
stuff. It's just a privilege
I've earned over time.
Over time... How, long have
you been in here?
Oh, I don't know, Man.
Uh, 2... 2 1/2 years give
Two and a half years. Huh . .
Holy shit! Look Mark . . .
I m an attorney and a former
prosecutor at that. This type
of municipality that we're in
has limited jursidiction.
They can only prosecute
midemeanors. They can't
hold anyone over a year.
Yeah, yeah. Look man, what I
don't think you're grasping
here is that they do things a
little differently around here.
Oh... well, that's bullshit!
Okay? They still have
to follow the law. So, what are
you allegedly in for anyway?
Uh, well, basically I've got
problems with alcohol.
I'm an alcoholic and um...I
have or at least, I had
problems with anger.
Those are not crimes.
Trust me.
Well, that's what I'm in
here for, Man.
Okay, uh, let me back up...
um, when you were in
court what did the judge say you
were charged with?
We don't have judges in this
town. I've never been before
a judge for anything in
my life.
Well, then who ordered you
into this place?
The Elders.
You know the... the, town
elders, leaders. Totally
uncool types.
Look, I don t know who to break
this to you, but your elder
leaders, or whoever they are,
do not have the legal authority
to confine you, me or anyone
else for that matter.
Well, I guess you can tell 'em
that yourself when you see
them tomorrow morning.
Yeah, I overheard the officers
talking about it.
You did?
What di...did you happen to
hear what they... they,
they're supposedly charging
me with?
Well, no, but I'll tell you
this much. Whatever it
is, it's something
What do you mean, heavy?
Cause they usually don t lock
anybody up in here before
they see them.
Well, there was this one other
time that I can think of...
Oh, who was that?
Oh, just this... this really
weird biker dude.
Totally negative energy,
Well, what happened
to him?
I don't know. I woke up one
morning and he was gone.
Never saw him again.
Hi, Baby.
Heather. They... They,
they said you were...
That I was dead?
Yesss. Oh, God... it's
so good to see you.
Oh, it's great to see you,
too, Honey.
Oh God, you have no idea what's
been going on. Huh,
these people, they're... they're
crazy. They think I'm
responsible for your death.
They might have exaggerated
my situation a little bit.
Just a little bit?
I'm sorry, it's just... it's
really funny to see you
like this.
Look, Heather, this is no joke.
You gotta talk to these people
help clear it up, you
Oh, yeah, I know. I've talked
with them. I doubt there's
going to be anything to
clear up though.
What do you mean? Wha...
What do they have me in for?
Uh, look, you gotta
help me.
I'm afraid I can't do that.
What the hell are you talking
In case you hadn't noticed, I'm
in a fucking cell, Heather.
Wow! You know the last time
you saw me, I was laying on
the bathroom floor of the
motel. Taking me for dead, you
were all too ready to just
leave me there, without even the
dignity of calling the
I'm sorry. Heather... I, I,
You wiped down the room, you
did everything you could to
conceal the fact that you were
with me and then I show up
alive and all you can talk
about is you and your own
situation. A situation, I might
add, that you are responsible
for creating.
I... I, I do love you.
Yeah? You know the only
person that you love,
Brooks, is yourself.
No, no... no, I, I... I mean it.
I do love you, and I, I want
to prove it to you. But first
you got to get me out of here.
You've got to call my lawyer.
Yeah... uh, you have something
I'm sorry, I can't do that. And
even if I could, I wouldn't
help you.
Ohhh, I get it. It's like that,
huh? I see. Well, why aren't
you in this cell with me? Huh?
I mean you are married to that
that slob in town. Why aren't
you being punished as well?
I ve never been married, Brooks.
And when I do marry
someone, I doubt he's gonna be
from a place like this.
What are you talking about?
You know, as a feminist, I
abhor men like you.
Ohhh, so you're a feminist now?
Is that it? Huh! Where did ya
learn that? Metropolitan
Magazine? Oh, no, wait...
it's probably Oprah,
wasn't it?
Actually, it was
at Harvard.
Harvard! Don't make laugh!
Harvard undergrad and Princeton
for graduate school.
Who are you?
I'm Heather Smith. Your
wife's second cousin.
I know it s a little awkward for
us to be meeting like this but
of the two family functions I've
attended since you married
Amanda, you were too busy
playing golf with your
Bitch! You lied to me! You
told me your name was Heather
Gratzer from Eatonville.
That s what you told me!
Every man alone is sincere.
At the entrance of a second
person, the hypocrisy begins.
Cut the shit, Heather! Just tell
me what the fuck is going on!
This is an old company town,
silly. Smith Northwestern
Timber? And they happen to
hate people like you.
Although I can t say I really
blame them for that.
What did you show up for then?
I just came here to let you know
how much I despise you and
how repulsive I found sex
with you to be.
Yeah... and maybe just to also
let you know how much I'm
gonna enjoy your punishment.
Wait... wait! Where are
you going?
Oh, and one more thing, I
happen to be a contributor
to Metropolitan Magazine and,
contrary to what you may
believe, I don't hate all men,
just you. Bye
Wait! Don't go! Heather!
Come back! Heather!
Come on, Dickweed! Wake up!
You've had your beauty sleep.
Turn around. Hands behind your
Where are you taking me?
Across the street.
What's across the street?
You'll see soon enough.
I'm personal friends with the
State Attorney General.
When I m through with my
complaint, you ll be lucky
to get jobs as mall
Shut up!
I demand to know where
you're taking me!
Don't give us any shit,
Don't even think of
trying anything in here.
Stand there and face front.
The Lodge will come to order.
I declare the Creechville
Grand Lodge of Elders open for
supplemental disciplinary
proceedings against a non-
member, non-resident
pursuant to Chapter 7, Paragraph
1 of the Lodge Charter Revised
1922. Let the record reflect
that the accused is now present.
What are you talking about? I
haven't done anything wrong.
I'll take that as a plea of not
guilty, Mr. Caldwell.
A plea to what? I don't even
know what I've been
Let the record record that the
accused pleads not guilty.
Will the worthy Sargent-at-Arms
please bring in the first
His sexual proclivities, I would
say they were demented,
if not perverse. Just being
around him, made me nauseous,
his slightest touch made the
hairs on the back of my neck
stand up in disgust. Yet,
somehow, I just kept
reminding myself how important
this was for my dear cousin.
And I managed to find the
strength to go on... It was
the fact that he could leave me
there for dead...
I was entrapped.
Now, Greta, you re sure Mr.
Caldwell was trying to
lure you up to his room
for sex?
Ohh, yes. In his last call down
to the office, he insisted there
was a problem which needed
my immediate attention.
What.. what exactly was
the problem?
He said there was an issue with
the springs in his bed mattress
and he wanted me to come up
and look at them.
Oh, that is absurd. I mean, look
at her! Does anyone think for
a minute that I would have
anything to do with that
Mr. Caldwell, this is your last
warning! This tribunal will
tolerate no further out-
bursts from you!
It was his beady eyes that
creeped me out more than
anything. Bedroom eyes
you might call them.
Can you be more
The way he stared, like he was
undressing me with his eyes.
I felt like I was being
visually raped by this man.
I was only able to drive him
away at gun point and I shudder
to think what he might of done
to me if I had not made it to
my shotgun in time.
I just wanted to borrow
her car!
Silence that man!
Gentlemen, I see no useful
purpose in hearing further
testimony. I think we've delved
quite sufficiently into the
seedy, sordid world of this
depraved man. You have
been confronted today with
incontrovertible evidence
of your own licentious and
perverted conduct. And you,
Mr. Caldwell, stand accused
by your Creator. I now put
the question to the full Lodge.
All those in favor of
a guilty verdict?
Guilty. Guilty....
Brooks Caldwell, you have been
found guilty of adultery,
spousal abandonment, lechery,
and inflicting mental anguish
all against the peace and
dignity of a community member.
You've sown the wind, Sir, and
now you will reap the whirlwind.
Amanda. Amanda!
Mrs. Caldwell, you wish
to address the tribunal?
Yes, I do.
You know Brooks, you were
nothing when I met you,
just another obscure young
lawyer in the big city.
I'm sorry, Honey.
All the exclusive clubs that you
spend so much time away at,
you would have never gotten
into, if you hadn't married
into my family.
I, I... I know I have
All the clients my father sends
you . . . all the vacations
and homes and everything else,
all because you're married
I promise that I will, I'll seek
whatever counseling is
necessary if you would just
give me one more chance.
You know the worst of it,
Brooks? Your complete lack
of respect for me, I gave you
everything you could have
ever wanted and when I was
most vulnerable, you took
advantage of me and betrayed
my trust. And even worse, you
thought I was too dumb, too
inept to figure out what
you were up to.
I asking you to... to
forgive me, please.
Yes, Brooks, I can
forgive you.
Thank you...
Thank you.
But I cannot let you go
unpunished for what
you have done.
What do you mean,
How you doing
You gotta help me.
Make them stop.
Sorry, Kid. Once the bull
craps, you can't stuff
it back inside.
It'll be quick.
I promise.
Mark! Mark!
Hey, Take our picture.
Okay, Man, got it.
Check the screen, make sure
my eyes weren't closed.
Yeah, man, you guys look
Wha.. why are you doing this?
Hey, man. Don t take it
personally. I mean they were
going to do you anyway. It's
just that well, they said if I
participated they'd let me out
of that stinking cell for
a couple of hours.
Help me... please,
help me.
Sorry, Man, I gotta go.
CHEERS ERUP Brothers and Sisters! This
wretch before you today stands
convicted of despicable and
heinous crimes against the
community. There can be only one
punishment for such crimes. It
is not of our making, it is as
our God demands.
Was it not Jesus who said,
"Let he who is without sin,
cast the first stone?"
How fortuitous of you to say so,
Mr. Caldwell. It just so
happens that we have an honored
and, I might say, appropriate,
guest to cast that very
first stone.
Amanda... What are you doing?
Make them stop.
Citizens of Creechville,
perform your duty!
No... Amanda, No, No, No...
Heather? Heather?
What's wrong, Brooks?
Oh, thank God! Thank,
God! It was just a
dream! It's just a
Uh, what's going on?
A nightmare, but it was so
real... so, so vivid.
I'm sorry.
I'm done, Heather. I'm going
back to Amanda.
Look, if this is about
last night.
No . . . no. I m going to see a
priest first. I m going to go
to confession. I'm going to
go to confession and
then I m going to come clean to
my wife, and beg her not to
leave me. Yeah.
What are you talking about?
I've been a terrible husband.
But that's all going to change.
Starting today.
Amanda! How'd you find me?
Wha.. what are you doing here?
I put a GPS tracker on your
Didn't your mommy and
daddy ever teach you
to knock?
Wha... whoa, what are you doing?
This time it's loaded,
It happened so quickly! I
remember that sound.
The thud of the first bullet.
I was shot four times. One
of the doctors called my
survival a miracle from
God. He said I was blessed.
Yet, I hardly feel blessed.
I had the world by the balls.
I had more money than I
knew what to do with. A
respected lawyer, in demand,
and my wife was beautiful from
a wealthy family of timber
barons and then I threw it all
Hi Brooks. Whaddya say,
we change out that catheter?
Yeah, I guess you could say
it's the screwing I get for
the screwing I got...