A Bunch of Amateurs (2008) Movie Script

That was one hell of a bang.
You ain't seen nothing yet.
That is so gross.
-He's so old.
-I know.
She could be, like, his granddaughter.
That sucked.
Oh, my God! I don't believe it, you're...
...Sean Connery!
(LAUGHING) Oh, my God!
Hi, Sean.
-Oh, Sean Connery.
-Thank you.
Please make a right turn.
-Make a right turn.
-l heard you the first time.
You are now leaving Beverly ills.
Are you sure you want to be
in this neighbourhood?
You have arrived at your destination.
Pride and Prejudice.
"I remember hearing you once say, Mr Darcy,
"that you hardly ever forgave,
"and that your resentment, once created,
was, kind of, unappeasable.
"I guess you're very cautious
to its being created and shit."
My daughter manda
put my name on the VIP list.
(SCOFFS) But we don't believe in VIP lists.
Do you know who I am?
-Do any of us really know who we are?
-Just give me a ticket.
"Like, wow.
"nd you never, like, allow yourself
to be blinded by prejudice?"
-"I hope not."
"May I ask to what these questions tend?"
(WHISPERING) Isn't that Jefferson Steel?
WOMN: I thought he was dead.
"I do not get you at all, man.
"I hear such different account of you
that it's freaking me out.
Mr Steel?
I don't want you to think
I'm the kind of desperate actor
who goes around giving people his rsum,
but here's my rsum.
Hey, Dad.
So, what did you think?
I loved it.
-So you really liked it?
-I hated it.
I think the director is a pretentious,
talentless pervert.
Oh, that's just great.
My first time doing a classic,
playing the lead,
and you're objecting to
a small amount of justifiable nudity?
-Forget it.
-I don't get it.
I've given you everything
I know how to give you,
and you've thrown it right back in my face.
I don't want your contacts,
I don't want a fancy car,
I don't want a house in everly Hills,
and when I want some career advice,
I'll ask someone who's got a career.
AMANDA ON TV: l'm ready for my close-up.
Where is it, Dad?
You never know what there could be
in the desert,
poisonous spiders, caterpillars...
i, Dad. Gotcha!
i, this is Amanda Blacke.
l can't take your call right now,
so please leave a message.
Unless you're my father,
in which case, forget it.
That's very funny.
Notice that I'm not laughing.
Now who the hell is Amanda Blacke?
You're Amanda Steel.
This is your father, call me some time.
Ring, damn you!
-Charlie Rosenberg.
-STEEL: Charlie?
(STAMMERS) Jefferson, can I call you back?
I'm in a meeting.
No, you're not, Charlie.
NADINE: Really, now is not a good...
Sorry, Mr Rosenberg.
(CHUCKLING) Hey, Jefferson!
Ultimate Finality 4, what a movie!
One of the worst films I ever made in my life.
The motorcycle was cool.
And since then, Charlie, nothing.
Where are the offers, Charlie?
That's the problem with being a major star.
There just aren't enough projects
big enough for Jefferson Steel.
You mean if I was less of a star,
I could get a job?
-You're full of shit.
Yes, I am.
Charlie, if you don't get me
a decent part, I'm out of here.
Are you threatening me?
-Isn't it obvious?
-Of course.
-Are you saying I can't do threatening?
-Nadine? Nadine, back me up here.
Tell Jefferson how good he is at threatening.
Oh, you're terrifically threatening.
In fact, you're almost scary.
You've got 24 hours to get me a job
or I'm going to fire your sorry ass.
-Very good. Very, very good.
-It's really very good.
This is hopeless. Who am I kidding?
Jefferson's gonna fire me,
my wife's gonna divorce me,
she'll take the house,
she'll get the dogs, she'll get the kids...
-Silver lining, huh?
-It's not gonna happen, Charlie.
Your wife already divorced you
and your kids have kids.
This is it.
-(LAUGHING) Shakespeare?
A benefit to save a community theatre
in England? In the sticks?
It's not even professional.
Jefferson will never go for this.
Sure he will, he's desperate.
And besides, he'll be 6,000 miles away
before he figures it out.
-This better be good, Charlie.
-It's the best part there is, ever.
What is it?
King Lear.
-y Shakespeare?
-That's the one.
And guess where it is.
Now, how in the hell should I know, Charlie?
It's your chance to reinvent yourself,
get Jefferson Steel back on the map.
-y leaving the country?
-Everyone has done England.
Nicole, Dustin, Gwyneth, Spacey.
And here's the kicker,
none of them have ever done
Shakespeare in Stratford.
-(CHUCKLES) It's a no-brainer.
-I don't know, Charlie.
A man in my position,
I have to consider all the options.
-We'll be landing in about 40 minutes, okay?
-MAN: Great, thanks.
Excuse me. So sorry to bother you, Mr Steel.
No problem, honey. Who shall I sign it to?
The United Kingdom
Immigration Department.
It's your landing card.
I knew that.
Hey, Tom Selleck! Hey!
NEWS REPORTER ON TV: We now go live
to Heathrow Airport
for the Jefferson Steel press conference.
JOURNALIST 1: This is a pretty big departure
for your career, Mr Steel.
l'm an actor. Theatre is my first love.
JOURNALIST 2: Mr Steele,
what made you say yes to this?
Well, l get a lot of scripts sent to me.
l think this one stood out.
-How so?
-The writing showed real promise.
Jefferson, can an American action hero
really be King Lear?
"To be, or not to be, that is the question."
That's Hamlet.
Jefferson, can you really save the theatre?
I'll give it my best shot.
ut you'll be acting with amateurs.
You guys are a bit too hard on yourselves.
Some ritish actors are pretty damn good.
WOMAN ON PA: Now boarding at Gate 1 1 .
Mr Steel! How do you do, Mr Steel?
I'm Dorothy Nettle.
It's an honour to meet you.
Of course it is. Where's the limo?
It's not exactly a stretch limo,
but we can pick up Radio Ipswich.
So, you just sit back and relax.
It's about a two-and-a-half hour drive.
I'm sure I don't have to say it,
but everyone's really looking forward
to working with you.
There's been a real buzz in the air
since your agent told us you were coming.
-As a matter of fact...
-No offence,
but I don't talk to the driver.
It's in my contract.
Nice meeting you, though.
Welcome to Flint Farm, Mr Steel.
Don't mind Monty, he's very friendly.
That's good, because if he bites me, I'll sue.
This is such a privilege, Mr Steel.
I know.
And can I say, you are so much younger
than you look in your films.
Not that you look old in them,
you look young.
Very young, especially in the old ones.
Is there anything you would like?
A room with a bed, of course.
That would be nice.
Of course.
Yes, it's just at the top of the stairs.
After you, Mr Steel.
(PANTING) It's just the first door
on the right, there.
Oh, I love all your films,
especially The Fugitive.
I wasn't in The Fugitive.
-Are you sure?
-Quite sure.
-Mind the beam.
I've given you the master suite.
Where do I go to? You know, whiz.
Take a pee.
Yes, the facilities are down the corridor
and on the right.
We thought you'd prefer
somewhere unpretentious.
Well, you were wrong.
He's a real charmer, isn't he?
It's how these stars get into their characters.
It's what they call method acting.
You see, King Lear is really grumpy,
whereas if he was playing Romeo,
he'd be a real sweetie.
Where is the minibar? Where is the mini...
There is no minibar!
-Are you going to be all right, Mary?
-Oh, we'll be fine.
Could I have room service, please?
This is Jefferson Steel.
Hello? Hello?
you have dialled has not been recognised.
It's 4:01 and we are not sleeping.
Good doggy.
Eat, enjoy.
Now, where is that bathroom?
Oh, why... Oh, Mr Steel, this is a bit sudden.
-I was just looking for the... I needed to... I...
Forget it.
STEEL: Ow! Damn it.
So, how do you think film stars
like their fried bread, Monty? Hmm? Hmm?
Not too burnt. You're probably right.
Would you like this?
So, what's he like?
Well, he is very handsome.
Good for his age, well preserved.
You are just jealous.
Apparently, he's a sexaholic.
I read it in a magazine.
He's insatiable. Anything in a skirt.
STEEL: Oh! Damn it!
-Morning, Mr Steel.
And what can I get you?
I think a suite at the Four Seasons
would be nice,
and possibly a new pair of boots.
The full English?
I want a glass of guava juice,
egg white frittata with brocollini,
rice, cheese and peppers, and a non-fat latte.
And toast?
-How's King Lear this morning?
-I think he might be missing sex.
Still grumpy?
Not as grumpy as when he finds out
I haven't got any guavalini,
frittata juice or egg-white lattes.
No, don't tell him.
Good morning, Mr Steel.
-It's you again.
Would you tell your people that I'm
just not happy with the accommodations.
Mary, apparently Mr Steel isn't happy
with the accommodation.
Well, I'm very sorry,
but he's in the best room I've got.
The management is very sorry, Mr Steel,
but apparently you are occupying
the best room available.
You are joking, right?
Are you joking, Mary? No, she's not joking.
Well, we have to set off, Mr Steel.
Rehearsal begins in five minutes.
Tell the car to wait.
-Where's the car?
-Oh, it's only a little walk from here.
We don't walk in LA.
I don't want to be unreasonable,
but I do have a few basic requirements.
Of course.
I want a warm, warm trailer,
with a minibar, satellite TV and a hot tub.
-Is that all?
I also get a personal trainer
and a spiritual healer on call 24/7.
I'll see what I can do. Anything else?
Yes. Can you do something about this...
Apparently not.
Where the hell is this place?
-We're here. This is it.
-This is what?
VERITY: Oh, my God!
You're here, you're really here!
-This is my daughter, Verity.
-I knew he'd come. I told you he'd come.
Darling, you shouldn't be outside
without a coat, you'll catch a cold.
Oh, please, Mum.
Like, I'm sure Jefferson Steel
is interested in my health problems.
Oh, my God!
Verity has a lot of allergies
and she's prone to...
She's right. I'm not really interested.
You really are getting into the part,
aren't you?
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Jefferson Steel.
There is nothing more humbling to an actor,
than to receive the approbation
of his fellow actors.
May I introduce Frank Dobbins,
who is playing the Earl of Gloucester.
-Janine Jarvis, who is playing Regan.
-Kevin Patel, who is Edmund.
-Respect, man.
Rupert Twisk, who is playing
the Duke of Cornwall.
Am I? Oh, brilliant.
-And Edgar.
-Oh, shit.
Verity Nettle is your
loving daughter Cordelia.
Hello, again.
And, of course, Nigel Dewberry,
who will be giving us his Earl of Kent.
The privilege is all mine.
-Could I speak to you for just a moment?
-Yes, of course.
(WHISPERING) I don't recognise
any of these people.
I mean, where's Judi Dench?
Where's Kenny ranagh?
-Just throw in one of the Redgraves.
-All otherwise engaged, I'm afraid.
-I need to talk to the director.
-You are.
-You're the director?
-Yes, I am.
-I thought you were the driver.
-Well, I'm that too.
She's also playing the fool.
ut as director, I'd like to get cracking
with the rehearsal, okay?
-This dump isn't the rehearsal hall, is it?
-No, of course not.
(LAUGHING) Oh, thank God.
This is our theatre.
-Well, actually, no.
Down there.
A poor thing, but our own.
What has the Royal Shakespeare Company
come to?
The Royal Shakespeare Company?
My agent said I was going to do Lear
at Stratford.
-And so you are.
-Yes. We are The Stratford Players.
-Where Shakespeare was born, right?
-Well, no, not... Not exactly.
You see, this is Stratford,
it just isn't upon-Avon.
-This is Stratford St John.
In Suffolk.
We're just a small, amateur theatre group.
STEEL: Charlie!
I'm gonna kill Charlie Rosenberg,
and then I'm gonna have him revived
and then I'm gonna kill him again.
(STAMMERS) I did explain all this
in the letter.
The council have cut our funding
and unless we can raise the money,
we're gonna have to close.
A big name means big sponsorship
and big publicity.
You're going to save our theatre.
Sorry to disappoint you, young lady,
but I'm not in the business
of doing charity gigs.
ut you promised.
It was on the news.
You were really inspiring.
"Theatre's in my blood" and all that stuff.
It was jolly moving.
I was acting, you idiot.
What the hell is the matter with this thing?
I can't get LA.
You can't even get Luton, mate.
There's no signal round here.
We're in a black hole.
There's a public telephone thingy
down the lane by the pub.
ut you'll need some coins, though.
Verity, go and get
the "Save the Theatre" swear box.
I'm not here to save your fucking theatre.
-STEEL: Charlie!
-Jesus, Jefferson, what's going on?
I'm on a pig farm.
Jesus, Jefferson, it's 2:00 in the morning.
You booked me into
the wrong Stratford, you idiot!
This is Stratford-on-Pig Farm.
Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry about that, I really am,
but you're getting great coverage.
Get me out of here!
-l can't do that, Jefferson.
The story's too big. It would finish you.
So, you're telling me
there's something worse
than working on a pig farm
with a bunch of amateurs?
DOROTHY: A bunch of amateurs is waiting.
Shall we head back?
FRANK: It's an easy mistake to make,
Mr Steel.
There are several Stratfords in ritain.
Stratford-upon-Avon, of course.
That's in Warwickshire.
Then there's Stratford in East London.
Stratford Tony in Wiltshire.
Yes, thank you both.
I think Mr Steel gets the picture.
Stratford St Agnes in Somerset,
Stratford St Andrew, Stratford St Mary...
Excuse me...
Would you do me a favour, Frank?
Shut the fuck up.
-Oh, sorry. Sorry I'm late, Dot.
-No, you're okay.
Just had to go into town,
get some guava juice.
Right! So, Mr Steel, shall we give it a whirl?
I wonder, Dorothy, if we could have a word?
We've sort of had a clever idea for when
Gloucester has his eyes gouged out.
Well, maybe later? Okay.
Right, everyone, we're going to
pick it up from Act 1 , Scene 1 ,
just after Gloucester's exit.
Everyone should probably
remember where they were.
Cornwall and Albany were this side,
and Danny and Tai, I think we had the
two guards at the back, if you remember.
Okay, here we go.
Let's take it from the top of Lear's
first big speech.
In your own time, Mr Steel.
"Give me the map there."
You see, that's a problem.
I mean, right away I ask, "Give me the map",
nobody gives me a map.
The whole thing's turning to shit here.
Couldn't you just pretend for now?
It's called acting.
"Give me the map.
"Know that we have divided in three
our kingdom,
"and 'tis our fast intent to shake all cares
and business from our age,
"conferring them on younger strengths,
while we, Unburthen'd, crawl towards death.
"Interest of territory, cares of state..."
Etcetera, etcetera.
(MUMLING) "Where nature doth
with merit challenge."
"Gon... Gon... Gon...
That's me, and she's the one who says
she loves you, but doesn't really.
Though that's obviously only
the character, not in real life.
That's not to say that I don't like you in...
(STAMMERING) No, but that's not...
Your point is?
The point is that Mary's character
is pronounced "Goneril".
Well, you do know the play, Mr Steel.
Oh, yes, I know it.
It's about a man whose
three daughters drive him nuts.
And you've read it?
I like to start with a blank canvas.
You haven't read it.
I'm sorry I had to put my foot down,
but it's the law here.
You're not allowed to smoke
in a public building.
-It's hardly even a barn.
-esides, Verity's allergic to the smoke.
It was her idea to write you in the first place.
We were desperate.
She seems to think you're wonderful.
-She's a very bright kid.
-She is.
She's even read the play.
You know what happened to the last director
who thought they were smarter than me?
They won an Oscar?
That's funny.
No wonder you're playing the fool.
Shall we go back?
Do I have a choice?
That's the spirit.
"Lead on, Macduff."
"I here disclaim all my paternal care,
"Propinquity and property of blood,"
"And as a stranger to my heart and me
"Hold thee, from this, forever."
Give it a rest, Nigel.
Can you get us a packet of pork scratchings?
Well, I'm sorry, but it's not fair.
I should be Lear. It's every actor's dream.
You is a lawyer, Nige. Accept it, yeah?
ut, I mean, he's so stilted and wooden.
I mean, what has Jefferson Steel got
that I haven't?
Good looks, money, fame, a everly Hills
mansion... How long have you got?
Well, where is he, then?
He's having some
extra rehearsals with Dorothy.
He'll need all the rehearsals he can get
because let's face it,
he's no Laurence Olivier.
In fact, he might even be the first actor in
history that's actually too old to play Lear.
-He'd make a damn good Yorick.
-Who's Yorick?
The skull in Hamlet.
-ut fair.
That is unfair.
I think you're all being very cruel.
It is early days, and we shouldn't make
any rash judgements
because he is totally fantastic.
Mary, you're dribbling.
Thank you.
Maybe you should think
more about your motivation.
-How do you like Stratford, Mr Steel?
-It's not what I expected.
How are you coping with King Lear?
Your daughter, Amanda,
thinks it's perfect casting.
-You talked to my daughter?
-Oh, yeah. She said, and I quote,
"Lear is an arrogant egomaniac
and a lousy father..."
Excuse me, gentlemen. Mr Steel has had
a long and exhausting day in rehearsal,
and now has an important meeting to attend.
Thank you very much.
No, no, no, we really have got a meeting.
With a sponsor.
He paid for your flights and all the
production costs, so please be nice to him.
Jefferson, this is Mike ell,
managing director of Anglian reweries.
-Pleased to meet you, Jeff.
-Thank you.
This is Lauren, my wife.
Hello. You're obviously not in beer.
Lauren is a fitness instructor.
I'm a big fan of yours, Mr Steel.
Well, that makes two of us.
Jefferson was asking if there was a way
to tie the show in with your product.
-I was?
I'm ahead of you, Jeff.
May I introduce King eer.
-It's like King Lear, you see?
-I get it.
Go on, get it down you.
The finest ale this side of Royston.
Do you deliberately set out to offend people?
No, it just comes natural.
-WOMAN: Hello.
Except when they're pretty blondes.
It's so long.
Here we are, Mr Steel.
Everything you asked for.
I don't have time for breakfast.
I've got to find Dorothy.
Well, here's a fancy,
everly-Hills-style breakfast for you.
Don't you start getting picky on me.
Next thing, you'll be suggesting that
your people talk to my people.
Well, I don't have any people.
Jefferson. Good morning.
I have some issues.
To be honest, I think this needs a rewrite.
-ut this is Shakespeare.
-Well, nobody's perfect.
I say we cut two acts, give it a happy ending.
We're going to do the play as written.
You never heard of improvisation?
(LAUGHING) You can't
improvise Shakespeare.
How would we do the scene on the heath?
We're not doing the scene on the heath.
I don't do crazy.
Do I detect a hint of panic?
All those words, all that acting.
I don't panic.
Where is everybody?
Why aren't we rehearsing?
Well, it's a weekday.
Everyone's got proper jobs.
We'll rehearse again this evening.
Well, what am I gonna do all day?
I'd be in my trailer, but I don't have a trailer.
Well, you could always help out here
at the library.
I think I'll take a stroll.
Jeff, it's you! Mate, it's you. It's you, Jeff!
Morning, Jefferson!
Morning. Hello.
-Oh, hang on a minute.
There goes our local celebrity.
NIGEL: Trying to act inconspicuous.
Singularly failing.
No pictures, please.
I've just taken a tour of downtown.
I've killed three minutes. What do I do now?
Young man? Have you got any books
on herbaceous borders?
Do I look like a librarian?
-Are you saying I can't do librarian?
Now, let me see.
"Herbaceous." That would be under "H".
He seems very nice. Is he taken?
"Cornwall and Albany,
"With my two daughters' dowers
digest the third.
"I do invest you jointly with my power,
Pre-eminence and all..."
(WHISPERING) You have to admit,
he has got such charisma.
Oh, God. Well, where is it, then?
"...of a hundred knights..."
He's getting to know the character, Janine,
it doesn't happen overnight.
He's the same with me at home,
tip-toeing around me, being polite.
Well, not polite, exactly, but you know...
You know what I mean. Feeling his way.
(CHUCKLES) You wish.
Tenner says he'll jack it in within the week.
-Twenty says he won't last three days.
-You're on.
-Quiet! Shh!
"Royal Lear,
Whom I have ever honour'd as my king,"
"Loved as my father, as my master follow'd,
"As my great patron
thought on in my prayers..."
Why does he talk like that?
Why can't we talk like real people?
I am playing in the manner
the ard intended,
in the way the plays have been performed
throughout the ages
by all the great men of our theatre,
Olivier, Gielgud, Richardson.
How about someone still alive?
Yeah, okay, I'll do the directing.
Thank you, both.
Nigel, I think it's important
to remember that Kent is Lear's friend.
It needs to be warm.
(SCOFFS) Oh, God.
And, Jefferson, I think that Lear needs
a bit more...
-Yes, if only.
I mean, he's reading it like
a bloody shopping list.
Nigel? How many movies have you made?
How many movies
with your name above the title?
How many love scenes have you played
with gorgeous starlets?
I don't think many.
The Suffolk Herald hailed
my Malvolio as definitive.
I rest my case.
Well, I defer to the director.
(STAMMERS) I think there is a definitive
performance lying somewhere between
Californian realism and English mellifluence.
Yes, well, I expected rather more support
than that, Dorothy.
I do have a certain reputation.
And I'm sorry, but I won't be treated like this.
I shall leave
while you reconsider your position.
You're acting like an ass.
If anybody's gonna be an ass around here,
it's gonna be me. I'm leaving.
Not before me.
I can slam the door louder!
STEEL: Charlie, listen to me.
I've got more lines in this play than
I had in my entire motion picture career.
Yeah, but they're such good ones.
Listen, you putz,
you didn't tell me I was doing Lear.
-I did.
-No, you told me Lear,
but you didn't tell me Shakespeare's Lear!
It could be the end of my career.
You know what else?
I'm looking out my window at sheep.
Well, I hear you get a good leg of lamb
out there.
I'm scared, Charlie.
Well, that's good.
You're... You're doing scared really well.
(STAMMERS) I can't hear you,
it's a bad connection.
Talk to you a month from now.
-Jefferson, it's Dorothy.
-I'm packing.
We are all so sorry about last night.
The whole company is distraught.
No one's talking to Nigel.
I'm still packing.
We'd like to make it up to you.
-Where are we going?
-Nearly there, Mr Steel.
Even when the sun is out,
I'm freezing to death.
Oh, come along.
Ta-da! Your trailer, sir.
That's better.
Your home away from home, Mr Steel.
The pub donated the jukebox,
Mary supplied the sofa,
Kevin provided your minibar,
and Frank provided the television.
You have to fiddle with the dish a bit.
It's got to point 28 degrees east,
which can be a bit tricky
when the wind gets up.
So, what, no hot tub?
I've cleaned it out completely.
It shouldn't be whiffy at all.
You have me for another rehearsal.
What did you do with all the books?
What happened to the handsome one?
(CHUCKLES) Hey, Amanda!
Long time no see. We should do lunch.
-That's why I'm here, remember?
So, how's business, Charlie?
You know, it's up, it's down.
How about you? You working?
I just got a call for an independent movie,
a modern dress version
of Sense and Sensibility.
The director saw me in Pride and Prejudice.
Oh, way to go!
You know, your dad will be thrilled.
He's always been very proud of you.
Really? He never mentioned it to me.
Flip it.
-Are you gonna be okay, Charlie?
-I'll be great.
This is the future, Amanda.
All agents will have offices like this.
This is better than the paperless office.
This is the office-less office.
"Come, let's away to prison."
"We two alone will sing like birds
in the cage.
"When thou dost ask me blessing,
"I'll kneel down,
And ask of thee forgiveness.
"So we'll... We'll..."
"Live, and pray, and sing."
NIGEL: Oh, for heaven's sake!
I mean, are we gonna have this
on the opening night, eh?
Are we going to have Verity
playing Cordelia and Lear?
Some of us have a lot of lines to learn.
Dorothy, would now be
a good time to talk about
our scene where Gloucester
gets his eyes put out?
-Yes, okay.
-Okay. Fine.
"Out, vile jelly! Where is thy lustre now?"
-What do you think?
-I think I have to think about it.
As I was about to say, I would like
everyone word-perfect by Sunday.
Oh! Sunday?
And I mean "everyone".
"Goneril, Our eldest-born, speak first."
"Sir, I do love you more than
word can wield the matter,
"Dearer than eyesight, space, and liberty."
"Post speedily to my lord your husband,
show him this letter.
"The army of France is landed.
"Seek out the traitor Gloucester."
Then you say, "Hang him instantly".
"...if this letter speed,
And my invention thrive,
"Edmund the base
Shall top the legitimate.
"I grow, I prosper.
Now, gods, stand up for bastards!"
Kevin Patel.
Sorry, Mum.
JANINE: "'Tis but the infirmity of his age.
"Yet he hath ever
but slenderly known himself."
Good, good.
"I yet beseech your majesty,
If for I want that glib and oily art,
"To speak and purpose not,
"since what I well intend,
I'll do it before I speak, that you make known
"It is no vicious blot
"That hath deprived me
of your grace and favour."
-Uh-huh. There you go, Verity.
-Oh, great.
-Thank you, Ashley.
-See you, Verity.
-ye, Verity.
STEEL: "Now I prithee, daughter,
do not make me mad.
"I will not trouble thee, my child.
"We'll no more meet,
"no more see one another,
"ut yet thou art my flesh,
my blood, my daughter."
STEEL: So, can you eat this
or are you gonna explode?
(CHUCKLES) I can eat most things.
Apart from wheat and dairy products
and shellfish and gluten.
And nuts, obviously, which could kill me
or something equally dramatic.
-You're meant to feel sorry for me.
-No, you can do that.
DOROTHY: I'll get it.
I'm so sorry to disturb you, Dorothy,
but I have an announcement to make.
I'm... I'm resigning from the production.
Not again!
This time it is a question of principle.
Oh, the principle being that
you didn't get the best part?
-Oh, don't be so pompous, Nigel.
Come in and have a drink.
ut I am not being pompous.
That appalling American!
He's an utter disgrace
to the traditions of the amateur stage,
-to the noble name of The Stratford Players...
-Sounds pompous to me.
Tell me about your mom.
Well, my dad left her when I was very young
because he couldn't handle the commitment.
She was in the theatre,
but then she gave it up to look after me.
You know, Dorothy, it was only for your sake
that I was prepared to humiliate myself
to play the Earl of Kent.
It's a very difficult part, Nigel.
You're the only one who can do it.
Do you really think so?
Do you remember that judge
at the drama festival in Norwich?
Oh, no, I'm not sure,
it was all such a long time ago.
One of the best Malvolio's he'd seen.
"The best Malvolio ever in the history
of the East Anglia Drama Festival"
were, I think, his exact words.
And that's why we need you.
Anyone can play Lear,
but how many people can dazzle as Kent?
I can think of only one.
You're not just saying that to get round me?
Would I?
Now, I've got to go.
"The gods reward your kindness!"
I hope everyone's hungry.
VERITY: I'm starving.
Jefferson's taking a breather
from women at the moment.
-Aren't you, Jefferson?
-Thanks, big mouth.
Apparently, the only woman
in his life is his daughter.
She's not talking to me right now.
Is this where we're meant
to feel sorry for you?
-What does your daughter do?
-Oh, Amanda's an actress
and she's really talented.
There was a time she used to think
I was pretty good.
-What happened?
-She grew up.
Is that the brewery man's wife
with Jefferson?
Oh. Well, I expect
she's part of the sponsorship package,
if you get my drift.
Yes, well, I can't wear Lycra,
it brings me out in a rash.
JANINE: Oh, never seen him quite so perky.
I wonder how long it will be
before they're working out horizontally.
-Janine Jarvis, you have a filthy mind.
This isn't too much for you, is it, Mr Steel?
Of course not.
Do I look like I've had enough?
No, no, no. Maybe a little.
-Ready to go again?
-I don't know.
-Are you still okay?
-I'm still hanging in there.
-DOROTHY: Morning.
Mum, you really think
that's such a good idea?
Having Lauren as
Jefferson's personal trainer.
Oh, really, Verity,
you watch too much television.
(LAUGHING) I'm just saying.
-He's not my cup of tea.
-I think you might be his.
Oh, don't be silly, Verity,
he's too much in love with himself.
esides, there is the little matter
of age to consider.
Yeah, you are older than the women
he usually goes for.
You are so rude. Who brought you up?
I spend too much time already pandering
to that insufferable ego.
It's not his fault.
If you're treated like a king,
you're gonna end up behaving like one.
I think his heart's in the right place.
Let's just hope it holds out
till the opening night.
STEEL: Oh, that... Ooh!
LAUREN: Ooh! There?
STEEL: Yeah, right there.
LAUREN: That's it, that's the spot.
You got a big one here.
Oh, you're so stiff in there, Mr Steel.
STEEL: Yeah. Oh, a little harder.
A little harder.
And there they were,
Jefferson Steel and the brewer's wife
in his bedroom, at it like knives.
I think it's disgusting.
Well, I'm shocked and disappointed,
but I'm hardly surprised.
DOROTHY: Okay, everyone. Here we go.
Let's pick it up from Act 1 , Scene 3.
King Lear is dividing his time
between his two daughters
and neither is happy
with the domestic arrangements.
Yes, I know exactly how she feels.
Okay, Mary?
"y day and night he wrongs me.
"Every hour He flashes into
one gross crime or other
"That sets us all at odds. I'll not endure it!"
That's good, Mary,
I can really feel your anger.
I like to think of myself as broad-minded,
but I am not having that sort of thing
going on under my roof.
What sort of thing?
Goodbye, Mr Steel.
You have been a huge disappointment to me.
Where am I gonna sleep?
You can sleep with one of your floozies!
You never did like me, did you?
Flint Farm. ed and breakfast.
Jefferson Steel, please.
This is his daughter, Amanda.
Mr Steel is no longer staying
at this establishment.
We do try to uphold certain moral
standards here, you know.
Excuse me?
Do you know where I can reach him?
No, I have no idea where he is
and nor do I wish to know. Good night.
Well, thank you very much.
I've just lost my Goneril.
Mary is out of the play.
Good. She's out of her mind.
And I know all about you and Lauren!
Nothing happened. You don't know anything.
I know that, thanks to you, I've just lost
a rather important member of my cast.
Me. I quit.
-I'm going home.
-I've been waiting for this.
A celebrity tantrum.
Well, maybe it's all for the best.
No, that's not your line.
You're supposed to say,
"Please, Jefferson, stay."
No, no, no.
No, I think you're doing the right thing.
I mean, obviously Lear
is just too difficult for a film actor.
You can't cope with the verse,
and it is an awful lot of lines
for someone your age.
So, fair enough.
You gave it a go, but you're just not up to it.
I'll just have to find someone who is. ye.
I guess I'm stuck in the stupid trailer.
Well, there's always my place
if you don't mind the pigs.
Stupid trailer it is.
"Someone your age."
"Too difficult for a film star."
"I am bound upon a wheel of fire,"
"which my own tears do..."
Fuck it.
"I do beseech you
To understand my purposes aright.
"As you are old and reverend,
you should be wise.
"Here do you have 1 00 knights and squires."
"Men so disorder'd, so debauch'd and bold,
"That this our court,
infected with their manners."
Thank you.
"Shows like a riotous inn,
"epicurism and lust
Makes it more like a tavern or a brothel
"Than a graced palace."
Thank you, Mr Matthews.
Very nice, we'll let you know.
-Is that it?
-It was the best we could do at short notice.
Am I too late?
-STEEL: I'm telling you, nothing happened.
ut you have to admit she is... She is cute.
And that's important, is it,
for the part of Goneril?
It's important if she's the sponsor's wife.
-LAUREN: Ready.
-Good point.
I just wanted to say thanks
for getting me the part.
Thank Dorothy.
Hey, if you ever need another workout...
I don't think so, thank you.
I haven't quite recovered from the last one.
-Oh, well, see you at rehearsal?
Great casting, Dorothy.
I think it's really going to work.
-I won't let you down.
-Oh, of course not.
What we need to do now is to maximise
sponsorship awareness.
Let me run this past you, Jeff. Lear's itter.
(CHUCKLES) You see, the beer's bitter
and Lear's also bitter
because of his daughter.
Mmm. Delicious.
Thanks, Jeff. I'll get some more in.
Give us a hand, Lauren.
Forget Shakespeare, that was acting.
Oh, surprise, surprise!
The casting couch triumphs again.
Mary will have a fit when she finds out
that bimbo has got her part.
I best just go and tell her now. Excuse me.
(CLEARING THROAT) Ladies and gentlemen,
I hate to be the bearer of bad news,
but I think there is something
that you should all see.
LAUREN: What sex romp?
Look, nothing happened!
Shut up, Lauren. We're going.
Listen to her, Mike. That's all bullshit.
No, you listen to me, you fucking fucker!
You can forget your fucking sponsorship
and your fucking theatre.
In fact, the whole fucking lot of you
can just fucking fuck off!
Not eloquent, but heartfelt.
JANINE: Mmm-hmm.
-Mr ell!
-Piss off!
-Mr ell, would you like to make a comment?
-Just any kind of comment.
-I have a comment for you.
Your beer tastes like pig shit.
You lied to me.
You don't know what happened
or what didn't happen.
I think we just lost our sponsor,
and with no sponsorship,
we have no further need of your services.
You're fired.
Nigel, you can take over the role.
This will be The Stratford Players
final production.
(SIGHS) "Poor fool and knave,
"there is one part in my heart
"That's sorry yet for thee."
He's coming. He's coming.
Mr Steel, Mr Steel, what's the story?
What's the story, Mr Steel?
JOURNALIST: If we can try and get it,
that is the story.
-Mr Steel!
Who's in there with you now?
What makes you such a sexual master?
Give me something. Just give me something.
He's like a tornado out of control.
What's going on?
-Is it true you use Viagra?
-Can you give us a scoop?
Is this your mobile love machine?
-Mr Steel, come back! Shit!
-Oh, great!
-There goes my best story.
-Come on, let's get it!
Mr Steel!
Wait for me. Jefferson!
What is it, Dad? This isn't a good time.
Tell me about it. I've just been fired.
God, what have you done now?
There was this woman.
There's a story in the papers.
I don't want to hear it, Dad.
You finally decide to do
something worthwhile
and you can't keep your pants on?
-Will you give me a break, Amanda?
-Yeah, yeah, you got it.
-Miss lacke?
-Mr Kopyc will see you now.
-Thank you.
Amanda. My people loved you in that
Pride and Punishment thing.
Yeah, thanks.
Can you get naked?
We want to get on with it.
-Excuse me, what?
-Just take your clothes off.
Which scene from
Sense and Sensibility is this?
The orgy scene.
Sorry, I don't remember an orgy scene.
You will once I've shot it. It's gonna be hot.
Hmm? Loving it.
Oh, God.
JOURNALIST 1 : Jefferson! Jefferson!
Jefferson, give us a quote.
"This cold night will turn us all
to fools and madmen."
-Hey! Watch out!
Just because it's in the papers
it doesn't mean it's true.
In fact, it means it probably isn't true.
There's a photograph of the two of them.
Yeah, I've got a photo of me
and Mickey Mouse,
it doesn't mean we're shagging.
Did it occur to you that
Lauren is a sports masseuse?
She gives people massages, that's her job.
The newspaper has a firsthand source.
Yeah, and who does this source sound like?
"This appalling lothario is a disgrace
to the traditions of the amateur stage,
"and has blackened the noble name
of The Stratford Players."
"Fortune, good night.
Smile once more, turn thy wheel!"
You arse, Nigel!
-I beg your pardon?
-You complete and utter arse!
-This is your doing, isn't it?
-(STAMMERS) It could have been anyone.
"The noble name of The Stratford Players"?
-It's pure Nigelese.
-It had to be said by someone.
And you know for a fact that he was
having an affair with Lauren?
Mary heard them together in his bedroom.
She's a sports masseuse, you idiot!
And this is the sum total
of your evidence, is it?
You really are a pathetic man, Nigel.
If I were Jefferson, I think I'd kill you.
In fact, I may kill you myself!
I suppose a nightcap's
out of the question, then?
-Where is he?
-He's gone. He nearly ran me over!
I should have let him!
That would have made a great picture.
I want civilisation.
And I want people.
I want a town. I want a city!
I want a Four Seasons.
I want a Four Seasons!
I need a Four Seasons!
"low, wind, and crack your cheeks!
"Rage! low!
"You cataracts and hurriacanoes, spout
"Till you have drench'd our steeples
and drown'd the cocks!
"You sulphurous
and thought-executing fires,
"Singe my white head!
"And thou, all-shaking thunder,
"Crack nature's moulds,
-"all germens spill at once..."
"...That make ingrateful man!"
"I am a man
More sinn'd against than sinning."
I know. I know.
Good morning.
I feel terrible.
-You look terrible.
-Thank you.
Here, drink this.
Last night, did I do anything embarrassing?
Apart from running over a journalist
and trashing the mobile library, no.
That's a relief.
I'm so sorry.
Please, don't be.
I think we all owe you an apology.
I have never felt so humiliated in my life.
It's a cruel business, honey.
Not that I'd know.
It wasn't my Lizzie ennet that
impressed the director, it was my boobs.
Whatever it takes.
I can't believe I'm going to say this,
but Dad was right.
Now, that reminds me, say goodbye to him.
-Charlie, what are you doing?
-It's time to end it.
Charlie, don't be stupid,
you're not gonna kill yourself.
-Give me one good reason.
-Your phone's ringing.
Oh, okay.
Charlie Rosenberg.
Worry ye not.
Our American friend may have scuttled
back across the pond,
but the show must go on.
-STEEL: Hey, Nigel.
-Oh, shit. I thought you'd gone.
You sold me out.
No, no, it was all Mary's fault.
(GASPS) Oh, so, now you've sold me out?
-You're lying, Nigel.
FRANK: It looks like someone
is in for a kicking, Nigel.
-A tenner says he breaks your arms, mate.
-Twenty, your legs.
STEEL: Wait, Nigel!
-Mum, stop them.
-No, Nigel could do with the exercise.
STEEL: Nigel!
You're not going to hit me, are you?
You must have wanted this part very badly.
After all my years with The Stratford Players,
it was going to be my crowning glory.
I have an idea.
Why don't you just play Lear
and I'll play Kent?
I mean, it's just a play.
Please, I can't bear the kindness, just hit me.
Oh, Nigel, you silly...
I think we should all apologise.
Mary, for starting the rumour,
you lot for spreading it,
and me most of all for being stupid enough
to believe anything I read in the papers.
I'm so sorry, Mr Steel,
and you're welcome back
at Flint Farm any time
and you can do whatever
you want in your room.
Not that you were doing anything.
I mean, what were we thinking?
The Stratford Players is the one thing
that keeps this village together.
Even the church only
holds services once a month.
This stupid theatre is all we've got.
It's the heart of our community
and we were just going to throw it all away.
Hold on a minute.
If anyone's going to have a big moving
speech here, it's going to be me.
I have something I want to say to you people.
I know sometimes I can be a bit of an ass.
ALL: No.
Most of the time.
ALL: Yeah.
ut until now, I've always thought of
amateurs as unprofessional.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
In fact, you're the ones who deserve
the respect, not people like me,
because where's the glory for you guys?
I mean, where's the money?
Where's the fame?
Come to think of it,
why the hell do you do it?
Well, it's our chance to step outside
our own ordinary lives.
To create something bigger than ourselves.
To share in the power of theatre.
And it gets us out of the house.
-ALL: Yeah.
Well, whatever it is...
I mean, I want to say I'd be proud,
I'd be honoured,
if you'd let me be a part of your show,
and I promise I won't let you down.
Nice, nice speech,
but can I just remind everyone that
we no longer have any financial backing.
Well, I'll just have to go back
to Mike ell and tell him the truth.
I'm afraid Jefferson insulting his beer
is worse than him shagging his wife.
-ALL: Yeah.
-Hey, Nigel must be loaded.
How much did you get
for the Jefferson Steel story?
Are you telling me that you gave them
"Jefferson Steel in Saucy Suffolk Sex Romp"
for nothing?
I am going to hit him.
-Wait a minute.
limey, it's a media circus.
Welcome to Jefferson Steel country.
Do come and see the play.
I'm playing Edgar and Cornwall. Hello!
Oh, yes, he tried to have his wicked
way with me, but I wasn't having any of it.
That's why I had to extricate myself
from the play.
I mean, that man could not
keep his hands off me.
Off me.
Oh, he was a stallion in bed.
He could never get enough.
And I thought I knew
everything about Kama Sutra.
And then, of course, we became lovers.
With Jefferson around,
none of my farm animals were safe.
Tonight, The Stratford Players present
Jefferson Steel in King Lear,
Four Funerals and a Wedding.
Tonight, The Stratford Players
present Jefferson...
-RUPERT: Dorothy?
Rupert and I had one last thought about
the putting-the-eyes-out scene.
"Out, vile jelly! Where is thy lustre now?"
-Could work.
-In a different play. Okay?
-OTH: Okay.
-I know, I look a freak.
You look fantastic!
-Oh? Do you think so?
Okay, "Rusty Steel, not sharp enough."
Very good. What about this one, right?
"Tarnished Steel gives leaden performance."
Yes! Okay, let's watch the show.
DOROTHY: Okay, everyone,
that's 1 5 minutes.
Are you ready, Jefferson?
How you feeling? Are you nervous?
Of course I'm not nervous.
I... I'm terrified.
Not a problem. I can do Lear.
I'm far more terrified than you are.
-In fact, I think I'm about to throw up.
-Go, Nigel, go.
"I thought the king had more affected
the Duke of Albany than Cornwall."
"It did always seem so to us."
Let's go out and show them
what a bunch of amateurs can do.
"Attend the lords of France
and urgundy, Gloucester."
"I shall, my lord."
"Meantime, we shall express
our darker purpose.
"Give me the map there.
"Know that we have divided
In three our kingdom,
"and 'tis our fast intent to shake all cares
and business from our age,
"Conferring them on younger strengths,
"while we, unburthen'd, crawl toward death.
"Tell me, my daughters,
Which of you shall we say..."
"Sir, I do love you more
than word can wield the matter,
"Dearer than eyesight, space, and liberty."
"Poor fool and knave,
"I have one part in my heart
That's sorry yet for thee."
# "He that has and a little tiny wit..." #
"O, you are men of stone!
"Had I your tongues and eyes,
"I'd use them so
That heaven's vault would crack.
"She's gone forever.
"I might have saved her,
"now she's gone forever!
"Cordelia, Cordelia, why do..."
Say something.
She isn't breathing.
Someone, call for an ambulance.
-She's had an allergic reaction.
-She's in anaphylactic shock.
You're going to need adrenaline,
a laryngoscope, ventilatory support.
-Are you a doctor?
-No, but I played one in a movie.
I think we'll take over from here.
Oh, watch out for
peri-operative complications.
Yes, thank you. I'll do that.
DOROTHY: I love you, darling.
Is she okay?
You're very lucky,
you got her here just in time.
She's going to be fine.
Thank God. In the movie I did, the kid dies.
Just a bad reaction to something
she must have eaten.
There were probably some nuts
in the chocolate.
Normally, I'm so careful, but what with
the opening night and everything...
Don't worry.
She'll need some bed rest for a few days,
but she'll back to her old self
in a week or two.
-I'll let you know when she wakes up.
-OTH: Thank you.
Thank you.
For giving her the chocolates?
For saving her life.
-Miss Nettle, Mr Steel?
-God, what?
Have you seen the papers?
-You're the hero of the hour.
Oh, just look at this review.
"Startling, brilliant, moving.
"Steel commands the stage."
I haven't had reviews like that since...
I never have had reviews like that.
And you didn't even get a curtain call.
Something else came up.
With no Cordelia, we've got no show.
I'm sorry there isn't a happy ending.
Me too.
I know that life isn't like that.
I know it's not like in the movies.
Ah, Miss Nettle? Verity's awake.
Guess it's time to say goodbye.
I'm not very good at goodbyes,
but if ever you're in everly Hills, drop by.
I mean it.
-How about Tuesday?
-Ooh, I can't do Tuesday.
I've got a cesspit to empty.
-FRANK: Wednesday's good for me.
Mr Steel, can I just say
I'm sorry for everything?
Particularly for the fact that
you didn't give her one
that night when you
stumbled into her bedroom.
I'll regret it for the rest of my life.
I think it would have been
a night to remember.
I'll never forgive myself.
Oh, I'm sorry...
Thank you.
Mr Steel?
It's been a pleasure.
Come on, Nigel, give us a hug.
No, Jefferson. You are still in England.
It's a shame you have to go.
I've managed to find a new Cordelia.
"O my dear father!
"Restoration hang Thy medicine on my lips,
"and let this kiss
Repair those violent harms
"that my two sisters
Have in thy reverence made."
I don't know what to say.
Oh, I think you do.
"Pray, do not mock me,
"for I am a very foolish, fond old man.
"Do not laugh at me,
"For, as I am a man, I think this lady
To be my child."
"And so I am, I am."
STEEL: Thank you.
DOROTHY: You can thank Verity.
She was the one who thought Amanda
might have some insight
into playing the daughter of a madman.
So, shall we rehearse?
"e your tears wet? I pray weep not.
"If you have poison for me, I will drink it.
"I know you do not love me, for your sisters
"Have, as I do remember, done me wrong.
"You have some cause,
"they have not."
"No cause,
"no cause."
"I might have saved her,
and now she's gone...
"Cordelia, Cordelia, stay a little.
"What is't thou say'st?
"Her voice was ever soft
"and gentle
"and low,
"an excellent thing in woman."
"The weight of this sad time we must obey,
"Speak what we feel,
not what we ought to say.
"The oldest hath borne most.
"We that are young
Shall never see so much, nor live so long."
WOMAN: ravo!
MAN: ravo!
-Enjoy that?
I told you it works better in a bigger venue.
(LAUGHING) You really are mad.
What's the point in being a movie star
if you can't hire
the Old Vic for a few nights?
MAN: ravo!
WOMAN: ravo!
Hey, Dorothy,
what are we gonna do next year?
-Next year?
-ut the theatre's saved.
You don't really have to come back.
-How about Richard lll?
-Yeah, you're good at sequels.
STEEL: Then Richard lll it is.
-What's that about again?
-It's about power and seduction.
Well, I'll have to do some research.
NIGEL: He's coming back
over my dead body.
WOMAN: ravo!