A Christmas Party (2026) Movie Script

1
I'm right here, Mom.
Wait, I can't find you.
He's on Wisconsin
Avenue, I think.
Emmitt Street
or Elm Street?
It's like
around Angel's Bakery
and whatever that new
boba tea place is.
That's in a total
opposite direction.
Which boba tea place?
There's like seven.
What does a sign say?
I don't know.
I don't see a sign.
There is no street sign?
I know streets by the
locations, not their names.
Are you kidding me?
You lived here your whole life.
Oh, that's it.
You're not coming home.
You can walk back.
And guess what?
We've decided, no
Christmas tomorrow.
Canceled.
Relax.
I'm near the Kate
Spade store now.
We're walking towards
the Kate Spade store.
I see you coming
out of the gate.
- Stop right now.
- There is your son.
- There you are.
Hey, is there going
to be a raffle this year?
So first sem a freshman
year, worth the hype?
- Yeah, it was good.
How are classes?
- Good.
How are your friends?
- Yeah, they're doing good.
Man, sounds like
you're having a blast.
- Your bus was late, so we are
going straight to the party.
What you're wearing
is good enough.
- Yeah, it looks OK.
- There's this thing
in Reno, like--
- No.
- No?
- Sorry, kiddo.
Your mom's right.
- Come on.
- Christmas Eve is for family.
Look, and if I have
to suffer, you have to suffer.
- Check under the seat.
- Oh, nice.
You made chocolate pretzels.
Thanks, Mom.
- Of course.
And remember, Juliet
has a ton of food for the party,
so don't eat too much.
OK, that's enough.
- Mom, that was one piece.
- Hey, let him eat some.
I hope there's not a theme.
I hate themes.
Just give me Christmas.
Remember, she did that,
like, conquistador
thing that one time.
It was like the ocean
infiltrated my spaghetti.
- Jason.
- You know, we go
to Sydney all the time.
Now, what?
Do we stuff our turkeys with
Vegemite-covered koalas?
No.
I just want to know what the
Christmas meat is going to be.
CJ really raised the bar
last year with that venison.
- Oh, yeah, that was good.
- It was so good.
- Good.
- And you told me
to fast, right?
She told me to fast.
- It's her year.
No clean-up for us.
But watch out, that
family is right wing.
You know who Ally works for.
- Oh my god, can we
just please avoid
politics for one party, guys?
- Done.
- Thank you.
- Oh, Adam, one more thing.
- Yeah?
- It's just something we
thought you should know.
- OK, what is it?
- It's actually
a really funny story.
- Oh, I'm excited.
- Mm-hmm.
We have shingles.
- What?
- Why are you guys laughing?
- No, no, we don't have--
we're just joking with you.
- I just want winter to end.
I'm sick of it, literally.
Flu on Thanksgiving
and now COVID on Christmas?
- What?
- Oh, look, there's
another boba tea place.
I'm overreacting.
- Yeah.
- Right?
- Yeah.
I mean, there are so
many reasons to leave a family
behind on Christmas, right?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Yeah, sure.
Can you help me
slice the cheese, please?
- Sure, sure.
You know what?
It's fine.
It's fine.
It's fine.
I am fine.
You're fine.
You're-- are you fine, Shaun?
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
- OK.
- But, Juliet, honey, I
just want you to know,
even if Dante never comes
back for you and the kids,
I will be there for you.
- You are so sweet.
Ernesto, get down before I
throw you down the stairs.
I'm coming, Mom!
- Well, if you're serious about
that offer, some 21st century
kid decoding you should know.
"I'm coming" means
"I'm not ready yet."
I'm almost ready means, "my
pants don't fit me, Mom."
And "I'm here"
means "I'm coming."
Oh, my goodness, look
at my handsome young man.
Oh, you look like you're ready
to witness the birth of Jesus.
Oh, so handsome.
- The wise men wore chinos?
- He's down on his way?
- Dad can't make it this year.
- What?
Where is he?
- He's-- function or something.
- What the fuck?
Are you serious?
He said he would be here
last time I talked to him.
Is Marco going to be
here, at least?
Yes, Marco's coming
with his new girlfriend.
So stay positive.
Your dad will be back before
you can say January 8.
And everyone's favorite
neighbor, Shaun, is here.
Oh, great, Shaun.
- And the whole
Christmas gang is coming.
And tomorrow is presents.
- Ally's
going to hate this.
- Well, your sister is still
in London for Christmas.
- I'm going upstairs.
- When are you coming back?
I'm almost ready.
- Juliet, it's going to be OK.
It's going to be OK.
- You're the best, Shaun.
- So are you.
- Relax, we have no symptoms.
- It's been a week.
- Don't be a drag.
- I told you, hon,
the colleges today,
they turn the kids into naggers
and the parents into rebels.
- You know, marketing isn't
as easy as you think, Dad.
- Yeah, we know, Adam.
And we couldn't be prouder.
That's why you're going to lie
to all our friends and family
we're going to pull
you out of school.
And take these off.
Why are you such a dork?
Oh, Merry Christmas,
party people.
Adam, get
out of my fridge.
- Sorry.
- Welcome home, Master Adam.
Welcome home.
- How are you?
- I'm doing great.
How are you doing?
- Me too.
I'm good, man.
- I'm so glad to hear that.
- Shaun!
- Hey, Hale, oh, yes.
How are you?
- Good.
How are you?
- I am wonderful.
- How's the remodel?
- We have a lot to talk about.
- Red, white, or sparkling?
- Lemonade.
- Juliet, I am
really going to miss
his classic Christmas
White Russians.
- Well, don't worry.
Gina's bringing traditional
and original cocktails,
so we should all be boozed up.
- OK.
So the husband is in--
- Buffalo.
Yeah.
- Buffalo?
Really?
I guess Dante really
wanted a white Christmas.
- Yeah.
You know, that reminds me.
He said he would
FaceTime all of us
from Buffalo so we
can answer the phone.
He said 6:30.
Well, it's 6:37.
No biggie.
- It's weird that
he took his driver.
I asked to borrow it
for when Hale and I
go to Cancun in a couple weeks.
The courses there
are unbelievable.
But he said he needed it.
- Yeah, indoor golf
is a thing now.
- Like mini golf?
- Yes, yes, exactly,
like mini golf.
- Why would he take his
own driver for mini golf?
- What's up, Adam?
How's your love life?
- You, for once, could you
just be like, you know,
Merry Christmas, Adam?
How was your semester,
best friend?
- If you must know,
Adam, it's been
pretty dry down there recently.
This morning, I found
a tumbleweed in my pubes.
Huh.
- But it's not my fault, Adam.
My roommate has
Pikachu bed sheets
and a gay flag on our door.
- And how's Ally doing?
Is she still--
- Probably running
a think tank, focused
on escaping family functions.
- Did you see where it went?
- Internships?
- No, I haven't looked.
- Master's?
- No, probably not.
- PhD?
MCAT?
Bar?
No.
- How's your love life?
Dude, seriously?
- Sorry, I zone out of boring
convos pretty quickly.
You know, sometimes
I lay awake and think
about what a great friend I am.
You know what makes
a great friend, Adam?
- No.
- You can say the meanest,
worst shit to them,
and somehow you're better
friends than if you were nice.
- That's not true at all.
Me and Ally are friends.
And we literally--
- Hey, if you mention
my sister again,
I will impale a table corner
into your knee, you pedo.
- Dude, she's 23.
- That's it.
Get over here, Hartman.
- Someone came hungry.
- I did.
Awfully fiery nut mix with
no chocolate in sight.
But what is the Christmas meat
for this year's festivities?
- We are trying
something new this year.
I'm keeping the Christmas
meat a secret, Jason.
You'll find out at dinner
with everyone else.
- How unique.
- Juliet, not to be rude,
but you told everyone
to come at 7:00, right?
I know you're not
the best at being on time.
- All accounted for.
You are all fine.
Some of these people just
needed a little incentive
to be punctual.
So I told the household that
gets here closest to 7:00,
that they would get
a written permission to get
out of all these
side neighborhood
homeless drive events for 2024.
- Are we the first ones?
- I think we made it, babe.
- We made it.
- We did it.
Woo!
- And they fixed the wall.
- Did we make it?
Oh, god, damn it.
- Nine-minute,
overweight schmuck.
I told you we
should have driven.
- And I told you those
ads got me spooked.
I knew that drunk driving
was a media Trojan horse.
- Who got it?
- The Canes.
- Those are Jersey
license plates.
- Yeah, and--
- That's your car!
- --we Ubered here!
- Oh my god.
- You're right.
- You should've
said, free Christmas.
- All of New Jersey
has no other car.
- Oh my god!
So who else from
New Jersey is here?
- You must be an expert in cars.
You made your money
stealing hubcaps.
- Oh, hubcaps?
Hubcaps?
I'm too rich for hubcaps.
You're wearing
socks with sandals
right now at a Christmas party.
- Yeah!
- And you smell
like a pork roll.
- No, that's your cologne.
- Oh, that's my cologne?
- Next time, spend
more than $0.22.
- That's my cologne?
$0.22?
- Oh, lovely girl--
- Thank you!
- --how many credit card points
did you get with this purchase?
- Where's your wife?
- OK.
- Where's your wife?
- Yeah!
- Where is you wife?
- Inside!
- This is going to be
a fun Christmas party.
- Hey!
- Oh!
All right.
Hello.
- How you been, man?
Good to see you.
- Great seeing you again.
- I've been good.
Great to see college has
been good on your son.
- Auntie, what is this?
- Dude!
- So we got five apple slices,
one piece of cheese, peppermint.
- Ernesto, you got a haircut.
- What kind of spread is this?
Is that apricot?
Hey, what is this food?
Can you see this?
This looks fucking disgusting.
- All right.
Contractors, man, what are
you going to do with them?
Don't worry.
It's going to be
a new year soon.
It's going to be better.
I know it, man.
I assure you.
- You're not even listening.
I'm going to throw up.
Oh my god.
Hey, where's my coat?
Hold on, don't hang up my coat.
- I cannot wait for dessert.
And Juliet makes great desserts.
- God, she was supposed
to have this thing catered.
It's more like crater.
- All right, she's a mess.
I mean, no reindeer, no
Christmas village, no husband.
And now you wonder why.
- I can hardly hear
myself think anymore.
Juliet, can you change
the music, please?
- I mean, come on, if you
were married to a woman,
would you want to be here?
Obviously not.
- I'm expecting pie,
but anything's possible.
- Couldn't be prouder.
I mean, you think Orson's big?
19, 6' 2", 250.
- 250?
- When was the last time
we saw you, Ernesto?
- Wow, you are huge.
- Right?
- The remodel.
- Oh, that's still going on?
- Don't get me
started-- slanted tiles.
- How are you finding America?
- Oh, that's how
she likes America.
- Oh my god, I love it.
I love it.
Where did you get it from?
- It was on sale, garage sale.
- Who are we feeding?
Tiny Tim?
- OK, man, she's
just trying her best.
And that's meant for everybody.
- Try her best?
It must have been real
hard to cut up that apple.
Listen, I know
your dad's not here,
but she could have
done a lot better.
She got Shaun.
And I know that's like having
negative one people, but--
- I actually heard your third
album is coming out.
- I'm done with contractors.
- What did you
end up calling it?
- You're such a fraud.
You didn't even
want him in fantasy.
The only reason you're a Bengals
fan is because you were jealous.
- Then, why was Roe
v Wade overturned?
- Because there
are idiot justices.
They were purchased
by the Republicans.
- Idiot justices?
How did they get there
in the first place?
- Because they were
bought and paid for.
- Oh my god, please.
- They were bought and paid for.
Oh, god.
- This is not what
the United States is about.
- No, preposterous is
these people going out.
- No, this is not what
the Unites States is about.
- No, these women
are going out, having
sex with whoever they want--
- No, that is not.
- --getting pregnant
by everybody.
- No, that is in your dreams.
- Oh, yeah, in my dreams?
- Yeah.
- I have a girlfriend.
- No, women.
- I'm not worried about that.
- No, Adam.
What are you doing?
Look, listen.
- Adam, hey.
Hard liquor for hard times?
Come on, your first
semester of college
just ended, and you won't
tell your honorary godfather
any stories?
- I don't have any, Shaun.
- Oh, slimminy Christmas!
College wasn't fun?
No sex?
No drugs?
Not even any rock and roll?
It's-- the only thing
college has inspired me to do
is to look at other colleges.
I mean, I was excited for
everything I was going to do.
I really was.
It's just-- I don't
know, it's not--
it's not actual excitement.
It's like a distraction--
a distraction from
my routine, I guess.
Does that make sense?
OK, um, so in child
me's brain, I had
entire armies fighting for me.
I invaded castles.
I discovered planets.
I mean, it was boundless.
Now when I wake up, I
wonder whether or not Panera
has the mac and cheese I like.
I mean, that's my excitement for
the whole day, the whole week.
Let's face it, I'm
a 19-year-old has-been.
- Wait, a 19-year-old has-been?
To be a has-been, you have
to have been a "been."
Now, 19-year-old never-will-be
if you keep talking like this.
But no, don't be
a Pessimistic Patty.
Why don't you be
more like Danny?
Sing some songs.
- You've seen Danny, right?
OK, exactly my point.
This is absurd.
Give me that.
Jesus, Mary,
and Joseph, stop that.
Stop.
- I'm sorry.
Sorry.
- Adam, sounds like
you need a thrill.
So here's a suggestion
for you, scrooge.
Do what I did
and join the theater.
- The theater?
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
The remodel was
driving me crazy.
I needed to treat myself.
So I went to an audition.
I got the part.
I've been cast in a
murder-mystery play community
theater up in Alexandria.
The title, An Old Town Murder.
And I'm the butler.
- OK, acting, I like it.
So what kind of lines you got?
I know you got some lines.
- Lines?
Do you have any lines, he said.
- Oh, you brought
the script with you, OK.
- Do you have lines, you say.
OK, wait a minute.
- What do you--
what is happening?
- "It's my grandson's
14th birthday, but Ms.--
Ms. Dombrowski wouldn't
give me the day off."
- Oh, that's it?
- Yeah, that's it.
The butler's presence doesn't
need words for it to be felt.
- Let's try it, like,
if you were in the theater
with the audience.
Lights on you, this is
your moment, your line.
You know what I mean?
- I got you.
I got you.
OK, but I got to warn
you something.
My director, this
play has a director.
- OK.
- My director, she wants me
to do it in a Scottish accent or
a brogue, if you will.
- Interesting.
OK.
- OK?
- Yeah.
- All right.
- Let's hear it.
- Ready?
- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, everybody.
The Christmas meat needs
to braise a tad more,
and then it will be ready.
- OK, you ready?
Irish grip, top hand, thumb
down, knuckles facing out.
Bottom hand like this.
You approach the ball, and--
on a IX regulation.
Am I right, Gina?
Nice, very nice.
- I asked any of you to name one
professional croquet player--
just one.
- No need.
Hollywood has a fetish
for croquet, Jase.
You wouldn't believe
the amount of movies
that are greenlit from
one swing of a mallet.
- Oh, is that so?
Like what?
Is that how Sophie's
Choice was made?
Alan Pakula was just
sitting around shooting
the shit with Meryl,
you know, Streep.
And he was saying, hey, Meryl,
see that hoop over there?
You know what that
hoop reminds me of?
The one that Meryl has to jump
through or Sophie, I mean,
that she has to jump through
to decide whether she's going
to stay with her
boyfriend who abuses her
or the man who really loves her.
Or maybe that hoop, the one she
has to jump through to decide
which kid she's going to kill.
- It's-- it's actually
called a wicket.
Boop.
I say we get
one for the house.
- Hale.
- Make that two.
Yes!
- Jesus.
- See, Jase, croquet is in.
You never know when it's out.
It's like life.
You've just got
to grab the mallet,
take a swing at the balls.
It's good to see you, big bro.
Hey, Gene, let me tell
you about the Dutch angle.
- I've never been to Amsterdam.
- Not the same thing, man.
Not the same thing.
He looks like
a little Dutch girl.
He looks like a pushover.
You guys
haven't even met the guy.
No.
Layla, I love
your red shoes, by the way.
Did you get-- you
must have gotten
a great deal on them, right?
Thanks, Gina.
Tell me.
Hey, take a look at this.
Oh, this is
Ally's new boyfriend.
Yeah, he
looks cool, right?
Kind of looks
like a dork.
I don't think
he's right for her.
Mm-hmm, nope.
Guys, I am
happy to meet him.
But you guys don't deserve to.
- I can't wait to meet
your family, Ally.
Please, tell
me you're not wearing
white socks with loafers.
Oh, no.
They're kind
of the eggshell, Ally.
Roman.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Look, I took a run to motivate
myself for tonight, yeah?
But, then, I passed
by this house.
And there was this woman
doing unspeakable things
to a Biden yard sign.
So then I went to this pub, you
know, a little flavor of home.
But the bartender,
he was a Serbian guy.
He was like, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah.
- It's OK, all right?
Just don't overthink it.
You are a Brit in America.
Just about how you
say what you say.
- I love you.
- I love you.
Come on.
Doesn't he remind you
of Prince Harry in college?
Yes!
You must get that all the time.
- Well, no, I got Billie Jean
King on the trolley yesterday,
so I reckon I'm
a chameleon of sorts.
- Thanks, CJ.
- You're home.
Come here, come here, come here.
- Mom.
- I'm so sorry.
I just can't believe you
surprised us on Christmas Eve.
You are the true miracle child.
- Stop.
- Easy, Mom.
She was an hour late.
Ally!
- Orson, hi.
- Could you ask the congressman
to shoot me an email back?
I'm working on a John Grisham
adaptation for a while now.
And I could really
use his expertise.
- Ally.
- I'll see what I can do.
Oh, Jason, hi.
- Hi.
- Hale.
- You look stunning,
Madam President.
- Thank you, Hale.
- It's really good
to see you again.
- So good to see you, guys.
How are you?
- Awesome.
Yeah, I mean, life
is just-- you know,
life is just such a blessing.
I just feel very blessed
to be here with you,
my family, the tree, Santa.
It's just an excess of--
- Oh, bless you.
- Thank you.
Ally, I actually
don't know if you saw,
but there's
a mistletoe up there.
So crazy.
- Oh, that's actually Nandina
domestica, an East Asian bamboo.
- No, no, no, I'm pretty
sure that's mistletoe.
- It's Nandina domestica,
an East Asian bamboo.
I own this house.
I think I should know
what plants I have.
But you're Adam Hartman,
the floral virtuoso, right?
- Yeah, I apologize.
Sorry.
- Mom.
- I'm so happy.
- Oh, Santa, please, just
let me take a quick look.
I think I
have a thesaurus
in the car for you, Cyrano.
- Yeah, real funny.
- Come on.
I don't know.
I just get so nervous
around her.
It's--
- Well, at least you have it.
- Have what, Shaun?
What do I have?
- Have what?
Open your eyes, Adam.
Excitement!
Excitement!
She is your excitement.
- No, I mean, she has Roman.
What am I going to do?
- I have to laugh.
Roman?
Roman as in the empire?
Oh, boy.
Last I checked,
the Ottomans have
control of the Mediterranean,
college boy.
- When was the last
time you checked, Shaun?
- Get real, Adam!
- Jesus!
- What I saw from
you up there, a guy
isn't that reckless with
a girl unless he really likes
her or he's married to her.
- Yeah, I don't know.
Just, me and Ally were
close when we were kids.
It's just, I mean, you forget.
You move on.
It's just out of reach.
OK, it was
love in plain sight.
And gals like Ava,
they don't come
along very often in a man's--
- Ally.
- Ava?
Ally?
Ally.
- Yeah, it's Ally.
There you go.
- Gals like Ally,
they don't come around
very often in a man's life.
When's the last
time you saw her?
- Dude, I even know.
I think it was
the last time you did.
Yeah, I was just
starting high school,
and she was just finishing it.
You know, I actually--
I forgot there was
a point in time where
she came to these parties.
She has had no time
for you, me, anyone
since all the politics shit.
It's just--
- OK, let's back
up a minute now.
She was graduating
high school when
you were starting high school?
- Yeah.
- All right, that's 1,
2, 3, 4, 3 and 1/2 years?
- It's like four years.
- OK, that's a tad creepy,
but it is what it is.
- That really helps.
Thanks.
- Well, you're right.
She hasn't had much time
for us because of politics.
And pretty soon, she's not
going to have any time.
My sources tell me she's
moving to London for good.
Do you still like her?
Christmas bells
cast a spell on the world
Bringing you home to me
- Hey, how's it going?
- It's going well, I think.
People are looking at me like
I'm a museum exhibit, which is--
I mean, I'm pretty
sure you're not allowed
to touch museum exhibits.
I called your mother "mummy."
And no one's asked for my name,
but I haven't asked for theirs.
So maybe that's just
an American thing.
Maybe I'm just a prick.
- No, baby.
No, you're not, OK?
Let me give you the Foxhall
Village rundown.
So that's Shaun.
He's like, he's
the neighborhood oracle.
He's lived here the longest.
Jason and Hale Hartman
are like my second family.
And their son, Adam, we were
deviants back in the day.
Never mind.
You know, Adam and I, we
kind of lost touch, though.
Well, I hope
I get to meet him.
Oh, you're going
to be great friends.
Oh, yeah.
And then there's
Jason's brother, Orson,
who-- he used
to live here, but now
he lives in Hollywood,
where he's
like some big movie producer.
And then Andrew Tate with
hair, otherwise known
as my cousin Marco
and his girlfriend Olha,
who's like a refugee
or something.
You know, I don't really
know because Marco only
talks about her legs.
Oh, god, and there's CJ,
who can literally never take
a fucking hint
and his wife, Layla,
who is astoundingly patient.
I caught them dry humping once
against the foosball table
when I was 10.
It was scarring.
Ehh.
I have never
touched it to this day.
But not as much PDA anymore,
according to my mom.
Well, the night
is still young.
Mm-hmm.
And who are the old
people with that little boy?
Oh, god, that's Gene
and Gina Caine, old friends.
They were a huge counterculture
activist until they accidentally
got pregnant with Danny.
They channel all of that
energy into his career.
He's like a singer with like
this big internet following.
It doesn't matter.
You don't really
have to talk to him.
No one else does.
What kinds
of things does he sing?
Punk rock or R&B?
- Wait a second.
That's not even remotely right.
I grew up listening to--
to Vic Damone
and Sammy Davis Jr.
- Hush!
He idolizes Billie Eilish
and Postman Malone.
He wants to be like them.
This is what you got
kicked out of choir.
- I told you he needs
more media training.
- I know.
I know.
- Is this the bathroom?
Oh, Danny Caine.
- CJ.
- Hello.
- What can I get for you?
- How old are you?
- 17.
- And what is the legal
age of consent
in the District of Columbia?
- Um, 16 with
a four-year age gap.
- That's what I thought.
That's good work.
Mm.
Danny Caine, did
you fuck my wife?
- Oh.
Oh, thank god.
Oh my god.
- Thank god?
- I thought you were going to--
- What kind of an--
- You got me, man.
You got me.
- What kind of an asshole
says "thank god"
to a man whose wife is
cheating on him, Danny Caine?
No, this is not, very much
not a "thank god" moment.
Do you understand that?
Yeah.
- Sorry.
- Yeah.
Because someone at this party
downstairs, as we speak,
is banging my wife.
- As we speak?
- Yeah, as we speak, OK?
This is what I know.
And I know this very simply
because I saw it in her phone.
But that woman does
not know how to make
contacts to save her life, OK?
I could use some
help around here.
Yeah.
- OK.
Um, what about-- what if you--
what if you just ask her?
- Marriage expert, Danny Caine.
Yeah, why didn't I just
think of that all along?
- Well, did you?
- Yeah.
No, no, no, no, no.
This is not how you go
about doing this, OK?
OK, new mystery to solve,
a new puzzle to unravel.
I am Perry Mason in this.
We've got to vice this
shit up ourselves.
- We?
Well, unfortunately, my services
are unavailable for tonight,
but--
- Really?
Really?
No help at all?
None?
- Yeah.
- OK.
Yeah, well, thanks
for nothing, Danny Caine.
And your songs suck!
- What about the Christmas meat?
- Are we eating pig trotters?
- Pig trotters?
- With a thick gravy?
- Hale, no, no, no thick gravy.
Why would people think that?
- We deduce what the meat
is from the sides.
- Yes!
Yes, Gene.
- OK, all right.
All right, that might--
- Negative, sir.
- What?
- I saw mashed potatoes,
caprese salad, tapenade.
- Ew.
- She's gone incognito.
- I did check her spice rack.
And I can't even tell
what seasoning she used.
What kind of party doesn't
have meat disclosure?
I mean, it could be chicken.
It could be turkey.
It could be duck.
It could be something
we've never heard of.
- Oh, no.
No, no.
- No, that's not possible.
- Not good.
This time next
year, we'll have the city.
- You know, freshman year, we
tried to influence an expansion
on the Affordable
Care Act applicants,
non-partisan public service,
but 85% of our constituents
didn't trust it.
- Damn.
It's tough.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I mean, God
knows it's perfect,
but insurance
companies can't charge
higher premiums
for people with existing
conditions under Obamacare.
- Obamacare?
Ugh.
- You should have just gone
with the Affordable Care Act.
- It's my grandson's 14th
birthday, but Ms. Dombrowski
wouldn't give me the day off.
- Cut!
No, no, absolutely not.
I like the effort.
I can see you trying, Shaun.
I appreciate it.
- You're not asking.
You're telling.
- The question is,
what is my relationship
with Ms. Dombrowski?
- Oh, my word, it's Dombrowski.
It's Eastern European.
The W makes a V sound.
It's not important.
What is important is
my child's birthday.
- Shaun, what is
butler's motive?
- Um.
To get the day off?
- No.
- No!
- Really?
- No.
- Really?
- You're, what now,
a dialect coach?
- Yes, I'm a movie
producer unlike whatever
you are in your red sweater.
- OK.
- He needs practice.
- You're not helping.
- I'm trying to, sweetie,
but you've got to be focused.
- He's got a lot
to work with, OK?
- You have to be focused.
- She's the subject.
I'm the plot device.
- How dare you?
In the story, I'm an immigrant,
and I have been to war.
- Action!
- Ms. Dombrowski
wouldn't let me go,
even though it's
my grandson's 14th birthday.
She's such a mean lady.
What's wrong with her?
And I'm a loyal servant.
- No!
Stop.
- I can't understand
this whole thing.
- Wait, Danny, let me--
- You're not improvising.
- Wait, wait, no.
- Let me direct.
- As God is my witness.
- Let me direct.
- Fine!
- Oh, thank you, Juliet.
- Is dinner ready?
- I see you going
for the original.
- Rookie mistake.
- Can I just have a Pimm's?
- OK, listen,
emperor, all right?
This isn't Britain where
every guy's like 25% fruity,
all right?
What?
Do you want a little H2O
cocktail, a little melon water,
huh?
- Listen, buddy.
If you want to marry Hope,
you're going to have to earn it.
- Yep.
Tonight, we're going to teach
you how to be an American.
- Yes.
- American.
- OK, I'll do it.
I'll be American.
- Yes, you will.
- Yes!
- America, go, America.
- There you go.
- America, number 1.
USA!
- Yup!
- USA!
- USA!
- Yes!
- USA!
USA!
- There you go.
Yeah!
- All right, perfect.
Where's the nearest
unprotected school?
I want to get a gun.
I want to try crack.
- The fuck is wrong
with you, dude?
Are you serious?
- Sorry.
- What the fuck, man?
- Sorry, I was just
trying something.
- Yeah, try something different.
I kind of want
to hit you right now.
- I didn't like that, man.
I didn't like that.
- Oh my god, why
would you say that?
- Oh, dude, the cocktail.
- You didn't even drink it yet.
- I'll do it.
I'll do it.
I'll drink it, though.
- OK.
All right.
- Hey.
- Ally!
I didn't even see you out here.
Yeah, man, It's just, um, it's
something about that winter air,
you know?
It's great.
It's great.
- I saw you staring
through the window.
- So you're a vaper now, I see.
- You want some?
- Yeah, why not?
- You just suck right there.
- Whoa.
- Thank you.
- Oh my god.
- Are you OK?
- Yeah.
It's been a bit.
- Yeah.
- So how is London?
- Pretty great.
How's college?
- It's not bad.
- So it sucks.
- Well, you suck, so--
- I love the deep voice.
- Oh, love the tits, girlfriend.
- Love
the tits, girlfriend?
- Yeah, they're
more well-rounded.
They're bigger.
Are they real?
- You know that I work
for the United States
government, college boy.
- Oh, god, even worse.
- For the Majority Whip
of the Republican Party?
- Oh, so you're a white
nationalist now.
- I'm not.
Do you even know what
the Majority Whip means?
- Well, I really wish I did.
The shortest US president.
James Madison.
- OK, who's the tallest?
- Abe Lincoln.
- That's about right.
How many more US presidents
do you think you got left?
- Presidents?
- Yeah, presidents.
- Yeah, OK.
- I think I got, like, eight.
- I don't think so.
- In my lifetime.
- I don't think so.
- All right, 1948.
- Truman, right?
Yeah.
Yes?
Yup.
- Tell me, Seneca
Falls, what do you know?
Oh, she just does
a lot for this country.
I think, you know, OK.
- Well, I think anyone can
manifest their own destiny.
I don't-- the whole
manifesting thing is,
like, I think the universe
has some part of it.
But I don't think--
I think prayer is
more a religious thing
than manifesting.
So all the workers' rights
jerk offs, but, you,
you went with the guy
who said welfare
was against the will of God.
- A policy advisor
position at my--
- OK, so now you're like
crime, et cetera, George Soros,
et cetera, the gay agenda.
- No.
It just doesn't--
- No.
And he was neither.
But you know, be aware
of the lures of donors,
for they come in many
disguises as they say.
OK, I'm catching on.
- He was a moderate when
he campaigned before money.
And he knew that I
leaned more left anyways.
And it was good
because I could actually
gauge what the other side
of his constituency wanted.
- So what have you done?
- We outlaw the rest of the nude
beaches in the panhandle.
- That was you?
Mm-hmm.
- Oh my god.
You, loser, you know that.
You're a loser.
Yeah, whatever.
It was the worst
mistake of my life.
Oh, of your life?
Yeah, of my life.
That's what I said.
- Be careful.
- OK.
- You got it?
- I got it.
I got you.
Come on.
Are you all right?
After it went
through, these trolls
posted a bunch of fake nudes
of me on the beach online.
What a night, right?
Living the dream.
I know, It's ridiculous.
It's nice he let you
go on a hiatus, though--
the Congressman.
Oh, he didn't.
I quit.
You quit your job?
Are you insane?
- Don't tell my mom, OK?
- Oh, Ally.
- She would literally die.
She would die.
And then my dad would
resurrect her to kill me.
And he's like a frat
friend of my dad,
so like, the sword
is extra sharp.
It's just whatever.
- It's OK if you
hate helping people.
I get it.
I get it.
- No, OK?
Politics, though, it's just--
it's problem after problem.
But you don't actually get to
see the subjects of the problem
because you're so busy dealing
with a whole different problem.
- Yeah, but you were
also a part of it.
Sticks to everything you
hear, you say, you do.
And that's sort of awesome.
- I still want to run one day.
- You know I'd vote for you.
- Thanks.
Roman has a job, though, at his
dad's pub in the West End,
so everything's kind
of up in the air, I guess.
- Oh, yes, a very
unstable decision.
Or you could go with
a more familiar route,
but where's the fun in that?
- He spilled beer in my hair.
And then he came back with
a towel and his number.
And he stared at me just like--
oh, god.
That's too bad
your dreams are here.
- Hillary made it
look so easy, like you
can just smile and pretend
that you're not
the subject of porn parodies.
Oh my god, such
a Pessimistic Patty.
You should be honored to be the
subject of porn parodies, OK?
- What?
- I actually think that's
how your biography should be
told, you know, through porn.
- Really?
- Ah.
"The Diary of a Young
Schoolgirl by Anne Skank."
- You're not funny.
- The autobiography
of Malcolm XXX.
Boom!
Hush, I have neighbors.
Sorry.
The Motorboat Diaries.
Che Guevara, OK,
that's pretty good.
- I think it's actually
pronounced "Cue-va-ra."
- I'm pretty sure.
I don't really care.
Wow, college is
doing wonders for you.
- I'm a marketing major, so I
don't really care if my Espaol
isn't up to your standards.
OK.
Well, good.
- Is this how Roman does it?
Lad?
Mate?
- You know, your eyes
aren't blue.
They're hazel.
- OK, you're going
to call the Gestapo, huh?
Yeah, maybe.
- OK.
Maybe, all right.
- You know, you don't tug on
my sleeve and whisper in my ear
anymore.
- I could.
We didn't realize
how good being a kid was.
- No, we didn't.
No.
I mean, a paradox, with
gigantic implications
with no consequences.
I mean, it was great.
Yeah, we were
the perfect duo.
- We were.
- What?
- If I get to my house
before you tag me,
you're the rotten egg.
Come on!
You're it.
- Not that it matters, you
know, we're all inclusive.
But like, how old--
- Neither am I.
- --is Shaun?
- "Happy Holidays" by Andy
Williams, "Up On The Housetop."
- All stale.
- Stale!
- I don't know why we
don't pay the national debt
with a credit card.
- Yeah, but the meat you
guys eat over there is crap.
I mean, the food
is shit in England.
- Michael Bubl.
- The Bubster.
Up top!
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Shaun.
- Come on in.
What are you
guys talking about?
- Come on in.
Come on in.
- Sounds like you're talking
about some old timer guy.
- Well, Shaun, no, no.
- We've got pasty skin.
We've got--
- That's a positive?
- Friends with him too.
- Yeah.
- Did anybody else have
a really happy childhood?
- The weather, it
rains every day.
- Rain all the time, every day.
- Take age over beauty any day,
Roman, not that you're a beauty.
- No.
- Oh my god.
- Wow.
- Wow.
- He agrees.
See?
Look, America wins again.
- Again?
Again?
America again.
- Yes!
- Nice!
- Oh, hey, how's it going?
So happy as you love that wine.
The acidic balance
on it is so on point.
And that is actually why
it's a very favorite Pinot.
- It is very good.
- Not much English, right?
Sorry.
Go start again.
I-- how did you and Marco meet?
- How we meet?
- Meet.
- The Budapest.
- Budapest?
That is a very cool story.
And I must ask, ring?
- Yes.
We marry soon so I can work.
- A green card marriage, how
very orderly, how very Marco.
- I come from Kyiv.
- Kyiv?
Oh, Russian.
So I must ask, how far did
you grow up away from Moscow?
- No, no, I come from Ukraine.
- You're Ukrainian.
That makes me an idiot
for what I just said.
I am so sorry.
I-- I am, like, wow--
- It's OK.
- --a moron.
No, it's not OK.
I-- what is happening
is horrible.
Putin is a fucking monster.
Bad, not good.
It's not OK at all.
And let me--
I want to find the right
words in Ukrainian.
Sorry, it was
"Ol-ha" pronounced?
"Ol-ha."
like ha-ha-ha?
- Yes.
- That's how we say your name?
- Yes.
- Ha-ha?
- Olha, OK.
I got you.
OK.
What?
Putin sucks.
Come on.
Oh, man.
I got another one.
What?
Juliet, now what?
What's going on here?
- It's too muggy outside.
I'm moving dinner in here.
- It would be a little
late for that.
You're going to move
the entire dinner party.
- CJ, no one asked your opinion.
- Oh, god.
Come and help
me move the table.
- No.
No, no, no, no.
That is an outrageous
request, Juliet, OK?
I am your dinner guest.
And never will I
ever be caught up
in your twisted,
manipulative spiderweb
that is your sick little
game of Christmas cuisine.
Never ever.
- Come and help me.
- Wow.
Um, there's no more wall left.
It's all poster.
Why do you have your dolls
in glass cabinets?
- Oh, my miniature models.
Yeah, no, they're
not getting dusty.
- Really?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I just--
I'm surprised you
didn't get rid of them.
- Why would I?
They're investments.
- Are you still into Batman?
- The greatest crime
fighter who ever lived?
Yeah.
- I don't think he
lived, though, right?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you want me to get
a poster of Harriet Tubman
on my wall for you?
- Yes.
- Would that make
you feel better?
- Yes.
- OK, I'll do it.
- Great.
So You getting a lot of Batman
stuff for Christmas this year?
- No.
All I get are clothes now.
- What do you mean
everything you get are--
- Everything under
the tree, it's all
squishy, even the box presents.
I'll open one box for there
to be another box.
And inside that box
will be a sweater.
- OK, so then what do you want?
- I just want a great, big
present for Christmas this year,
you know, without any
of the shape manipulators.
- Right.
Right.
You know, my brother is the
worst present giver in history.
- Oh, I know.
- You do?
- Yes, my best friend, you know
what he got me last Christmas?
- What?
- White shirts.
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
- I got him
a custom-engraved Armani--
Armani-- watch.
- Oh my god.
- And he got me white shirts.
- Well, did you
need white shirts?
- I have white shirts.
I mean, when have you not
seen me in a white shirt?
Come on.
I'm literally wearing
one right now.
- OK, well, maybe
you needed more.
- I have, like, 50 pairs.
- OK.
Well, were they nice?
- No, they were like the Prime
one day essentials shirts.
It's like sandpaper
on your skin.
- So what would you
get me for Christmas?
- Like a doormat
or something, I don't know.
- A doormat?
- You're a fancy adult now.
- Oh, fuck off, college boy.
Seriously, come on.
Why would you get me?
- A Swiffer?
- A Swiffer?
- A Swiffer?
- What?
- It's like the mop.
- I know what a Swiffer is.
Why?
- It could be useful to you.
- Oh my god, you
are so ridiculous.
I forgot how much I missed you.
- Do you remember
the old Christmas parties
when we'd hide under the table
together and then we just--
- Yeah.
- Not a care in the world.
- But in the universe, I
loved Christmas back then.
- I love it now.
The smell
of pine and children's cheer
Oh, Christmas
Oh my mama's calling me
She wants to know
To share old Christmas
Oh, Christmas everywhere
Oh, St. Nick
- Wine?
- Do you celebrate Christmas?
- Yes, but no presents.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Did Marco not get you anything?
- My last husband
and I, we were poor.
We lived only
on potatoes and pickles.
He goes into the army,
gets deployed on Christmas.
He says he will not return until
I can get a present every year.
That was 15 years ago.
I waited to honor him.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, it is OK.
This is first celebration
in a long time.
It is colorful.
- Hey, how you doing?
How are you?
- Have you met Olha?
- Oh, I sure did, wife of mine.
Three words for you--
what a narcissist.
Christmas everywhere
You know, Brits
can only do missionary.
I read that in The Times.
Yeah, I read that too.
1984, vagina is
imperative in this nation.
And not just about
wetting your noodle.
No, it's about
assembling the troops.
- It's a load of metaphors.
- No, listen.
Listen, Emperor.
It's about the children, OK?
It's about legacy.
Madam, tell this chap
about the bloodline.
- Really, Roman?
- They convinced me.
Dinner's almost ready.
- Censorship at its finest.
- I'm censoring
my civilly-minded boyfriend
from you're sexist garbage.
- OK, respectfully, Ally,
for bloodline purposes,
you're completely irrelevant.
- How many kids
do you have again?
Remind me.
You don't just talk
the talk, right?
- Olha's ripe to be
pregnant for the next 20
Years I'll have
so many kids, I'm
going to put them all in a cave
and make them kill each other.
I don't want pussies, OK?
I want Spartans.
- Spartans?
Yeah, you used
to drink testosterone
out of a Gatorade bottle.
Not true.
- I think your man boobs
would beg to differ.
It's true.
- Listen.
Look, can
you just spare me
until dinner
at least where you're
going to mansplain Emily
Post, I'm sure, while you
eat a fucking squirrel.
Emily Post?
You don't know what
could happen to you.
Don't you want to leave a mark?
- What are you talking about?
- You know, I think
I want a daughter.
- What?
- We'll get there.
- There we go.
- We'll get there.
- There we go.
- I don't know, it
seems kind of fun.
- I would love a daughter,
but I want a son.
- I can't believe you're
even entertaining this, Adam.
What?
- Why not?
- You're 19.
- OK, and?
I mean, if someone were to--
never mind.
Hey, if you
want lots of kids,
why don't you take
a career in sperm donor?
- What's the pay?
- $90.
Per load.
Per load.
Woo-hoo.
- Ooh.
- Jesus Christ.
All right, is it time
to fucking eat yet?
My god.
- Are you done?
- No.
- I think it's the best
one I've ever written.
Lots of heart and--
- Danny, OK.
OK.
Mom and I were brainstorming.
- Yeah.
- Now, we think something
about how we're all Americans--
- Yes.
- --or on the edgier side--
now, stick with me here--
a rock opera about abortion.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Your base is going to love it.
And think of this.
You'll set into motion
the 21 to 28s.
- Absolutely.
Come on.
- OK, yeah.
Well, I don't know, I was--
I was thinking maybe we
could do a holiday album.
- A holiday album?
- You mean like this one
here with carols and--
- I haven't thought it
thought it through that much.
- Fantastic.
- Wait, wait, really, Mom?
You like it?
- Mm-hmm.
- Picture this.
A song detailing a family
of four separated at the border.
- Wait.
- Yes.
- No, no, that's
not what I meant.
- An undocumented Christmas.
- Freaking fantastic!
Journal it.
Journal it.
Get it down.
- No!
No!
- Yes.
- I want to make
an album that transports
you to somewhere special,
that you'll never forget.
You know--
Have a holly, jolly--
- 9/11!
- No, it's fake.
Everything's fake on this table.
Disgusting.
We should have went
to a steakhouse.
Every year, we do
the same fucking shit.
We come to this
fucking shithole.
Why do we always come here?
Wait, what?
You asked if she wanted
to have a daughter with you?
- OK, I didn't verbalize it.
It was just-- it was
like a hmm, like a hmm.
- Holy crap!
What are you going to do next?
Buy matching gravestones?
- I don't know, Shaun.
Just stop, please.
- OK.
- Jason.
- I can't.
Look-- wait, why am I sitting--
I can't.
He's the world's worst pseudo
intellectual since Jim Jones.
- We barely see him anymore.
- You act like
that's a bad thing.
- But you're sure
that she kissed you?
- Oh, definitely.
- OK.
All right.
Well, push that connection,
lay out the breadcrumbs,
but stay passive.
- I like him.
Adam likes him.
Everyone likes him.
- Of course, you do.
All he talks about
is his fancy dinners
and name drops,
his famous friends
and his cushy apartments.
To him, I'm just
some vanilla schmuck.
- I would do anything for you,
just like the butler would do
anything for his grandchildren.
- Just try to get along.
For me?
- Fine.
Fine.
- Greatest crime
fighter who ever lived.
A doormat?
- Stop that.
- All right, let's go.
I'm good.
- Jeez.
Looks affordable.
I like your sweater.
- There it is.
It's very nice.
Your makeup is fantastic.
Oh, Layla.
- It's so awful.
Jesus Christ, These cheap
fucking napkins too, Jesus.
I feel like I'm
at a kid's birthday party.
Is this a joke?
Oh my god.
No, not yet, not yet,
not yet, not yet.
God almighty.
Oh my god.
How many
of those signature
cocktails have you had?
Is that one water
pitcher for fucking 20 people?
Is she serious?
- You should probably
not hang out with her.
No.
OK.
Shaun.
- I'm so sorry.
Mm.
I'm obsessed with the bean dip.
That's baba ganoush.
- Call it whatever you want.
I call it delicious.
- OK, Shaun.
- Is that jello?
- Excuse me.
- And then?
- And for glycemic
index, you then do--
- Oh, it makes a difference?
- Yeah, it does.
It actually slows it down.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Wow.
- That's true science.
- Yes.
They teach that
in California, huh?
- Yeah, they do.
I'm friends with
Andrew Huberman.
- Make sure, Danny, we're
going talk to you a little bit
later about something.
- That's super cool, yeah.
Can I get
everyone's attention?
Every year, all
of us, we get together
on the eve of first
Noel to celebrate
how full we make each other--
how even if this
feast was tarnished,
just the company
of each other would
be enough to fill our stomachs.
But this year feels more
complete than ever before.
Layla, Orson, Shaun, Hale,
my beautiful daughter, Ally, and
her lover, no one is missing.
- To the magnificent Juliet, and
this absolutely divine feast,
long may it be eaten.
- Yes.
- Absolutely, cheers.
- Cheers to that.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Cheers.
- There you go.
- Thanks, man.
- So Juliet, let's see what
we've got here from you.
- That's beautiful, right?
- Yeah.
- It's full of effort.
- All right, let's
do this already.
- Shh.
- Oh my god.
- Oh!
God, thank you, baby Jesus.
- Yeah!
- Does that look good?
- Yes, it does.
- I told you.
- OK, come on.
Come on.
- All right.
- Thank God.
- Adam, pass me
the sweet potatoes.
- Dude, you're
at the end of the table.
- Get the door.
- Excuse me.
Excuse me.
- Come over here and get them.
- Go.
- Excuse me.
Excuse me.
- It's OK.
- Well, hello.
Come on in.
- If I didn't have
such a warm heart,
I think I would have
been cold waiting on you.
- Thank you.
Go ahead.
Take that off.
Oh, sure.
- My apologies
for my tardiness, people.
Ooh.
Mm-mm-mm.
Merry Christmas, folks.
- What are you doing here?
You're telling me
I can't stop by on Christmas Eve
to welcome back
my favorite advisor?
Congressman,
it's been a bit.
And Dante's not home.
Feast was intended
for only a few people,
but I'll make it work.
I always do.
Thanks for telling me, Ally.
I didn't know.
Marco,
grab me a chair.
Well, that's on me.
I apologize for showing
up unannounced.
But when I heard that Alexandria
was making her big return,
gosh, darn it, I was
powerless to refrain.
Your family has always been
so quintessential to the cause.
It's a pleasure
to meet you, sir.
Interesting table.
I've never had dinner
in three rooms at one time.
- Orson, move.
- Sir, sit down.
- Thank you.
- I got the chair.
- Yeah, have a seat.
There you go.
You look fantastic.
- What are you
waiting for, people?
Let's eat.
- How are you?
- Good.
Yeah, London's great.
It's-- you know.
- Must be so great
for the both of you
to spend time together again.
- Yeah.
Me and Ally are
really close friends.
You know, it's been a little
bit since I've seen her,
but, I mean, every
moment tonight,
I'd say we're getting closer,
closer, closer, closer.
- Did you drop something?
- Yeah, just my integrity.
I'm going to go to the bathroom.
Ernesto, can I see
you really quick?
Yeah, sure, buddy.
- That's a good kid.
He's clumsy,
but he's a good kid.
- Look, we're just going to have
to agree to disagree here.
- It's always nice
to see you, Jason.
- You look really good
in that suit, sir.
- I concur.
And, also, I haven't really
had a chance to meet you,
but I'm very eager
to make up for lost time.
- Pleasure meeting you.
- I dig the scarf, brother.
This is Kente cloth, right?
- Ah--
- What's up, man?
I was now working back there.
I need to tell
you something.
What's up?
- You just please promise
you won't get mad.
Yeah, of course.
- OK.
I'm in love with your sister.
Aw!
Oh, what the hell
is wrong with you?
- Dude, you are the worst
best friend in the world.
My fucking sister, man?
Everybody out there already
likes her more than me.
And now you love her, dude?
- It isn't just me, OK?
She loves me too.
I'll make it up to you.
You can be the best
man at our wedding.
- Dude, whatever happened
to bros before hoes, dude?
- Your sister isn't a whore.
She's a wonderful woman.
I'll never forgive
you, fucking asshole.
- Oh, shit.
- Get off me!
Get off me!
Get off me!
Get off!
Fucking asshole.
The ham is to die for.
- It isn't half bad.
I am fulfilled.
In fact, I wouldn't mind--
Another dish,
please, Juliet.
It's so tantalizing.
Thank you.
- You do realize it's
self-serve, right?
Oh, I forgot how much
of a slow eater you are, Jase.
You could never outeat me,
even at your hungriest.
We would have had to extend
the Calcutta trip twofold
if he joined me, dad,
and Kev last summer.
- Yeah, no, London's wonderful.
But I miss you, guys.
- Oh, I missed you too.
- I do.
I really do.
It's been too long.
- What do you do there?
- Alexandra, I want you back.
- That's why you're here?
It's
no surprise that you
were a loyal civil servant,
the populist ace up my sleeve
on a pandemic election year.
Help me make good on those
promises and flip the polls.
- You've always polled strong.
- Well, not always.
Since you left, some of what
me and my team have implemented
have not gone over well.
Well, even my after-hour
filibusters aren't connected.
But we can change that.
We can fix it, Alexandria,
like we used to--
just no beaches.
- We didn't get anything
done for two years.
We were at an ideological
stalemate.
I mean, are you actually
going to listen to my ideas
and take my advice?
Yes.
I will maintain my TV
partnership with Breitbart
and prop up Bezos.
And you, you,
Alexandria, you maintain
your cute, little corporation
tax side for the county.
Done.
- But, um, yeah, you're
not going to like it.
- Who's really
going to notice, huh?
- Hey, Congressman.
Look, I had to--
I'm sorry, man.
We got off on the wrong
foot, and I apologize.
And I just-- I want to be
cool with you, and--
- It's OK.
TJ?
- Close enough.
- It's OK.
- Yeah, but it's not.
It's my wife.
She's been really shifty lately.
And--
- I'm not surprised.
- --the kind of shifty that
a man doesn't want to have
to deal with with his wife.
And like, I just wanted to make
sure she wasn't shifting
in your congressional district.
- Hey.
Gene really outdid himself
with these original cocktails.
I think I shall grab more.
- Do you usually drink
this much on Christmas Eve?
- I'm not drunk.
- You're loud.
- No, I'm not drunk.
I'm not loud.
I'm American.
- I liked you before.
Why change?
- I'm going to fuck
up either way.
I cook for pub
hoppers, most of whom
don't even know there's
a second side to the menu.
Ally talks about
you lot like you're
the cast of bloody
Downton Abbey.
And here I am with a sexy
accent and the rest
is rather unremarkable.
I need to be better.
I need to be better
than everyone else,
so I can be better for her.
- The most American
thing you can do
is think of things
in terms of better.
Just be who you are.
- She doesn't deserve
to have to explain me.
- Just stop asking questions.
She likes you.
- How long until she doesn't?
- Until you're married.
- I admire you guys so much.
Seriously.
Right.
I mean, you guys are the best.
You legitimately are the best.
- What do you mean "you guys?"
- Absolutely.
- Be very--
- There wasn't a one that
wasn't swinging a baseball bat.
And the problem in high
school is, like, I never
made it off the T-ball tryouts.
- I think you've been
running the wrong bases, son.
- Oh.
- Try it.
- All right, yeah.
- It's so good.
- Oh, OK.
You want one?
- Yeah.
- I don't--
- Juliet, these rolls are hard.
- Oh, no, Layla.
- So is that still--
- What the fuck?
- --or sparkling?
- Do you need
to go or you just--
- Nah.
Tell me, you and your dad,
you're close, right?
- Yeah, like father and son.
- It's lovely.
He works out of home, no?
- Yeah.
- Good.
That means not a lot of time
away from the old Hartman house.
Your mom and he close still?
Like each other?
Into each other?
- Well, I'm 19.
- OK.
- They've been together for,
like, 30-something years.
So for a while, it was
just them and a whole lot
of background noise.
- This is good.
This is good.
That's great.
Thank you, man.
So you're telling me that
there's no way in hell
that your dad is
fucking my wife.
Whoa!
Christ on a bike, you cunt.
Come on.
- Me?
- You're right.
I'm sorry, man, that's--
it's just that it's this
whole investigation.
I'm just trying to peel
one little potato.
And this potato is just like--
I can't peel it, man.
It's frustrating.
I figured you'd
get it, you know?
- Sure, I'm going
to head on back.
I think you should
clean yourself.
- I have had a lot of wives.
I mean, like, more wives
than I've had presidents
that I've lived through.
But I can't even
begin to remember
their names, like the wives
or the presidents.
Just Layla though, huh?
And the more I keep trying
to peel this potato,
it's like the inside has
just expired a long time ago.
- Ally, can we please talk?
- About what?
Everything
was just wonderful, Juliet.
You know, my Margaret
would be jealous.
Love her to death,
but the woman cannot cook.
Thank you, Congressman.
Are you sure you're
not in a rush?
Why
would I be in a rush
when I'm surrounded
by so many beautiful faces?
- I would think that
sacking the leader
of the free world
because of his son's emails
might take some prep time.
If laptop content is game,
my Danny is going to take
a trip down to Guantanamo Bay.
- I'm going to throw up.
- Tell me about it.
We were just
doing our job, ma'am.
But if you don't mind, I
don't really like to talk
politics at the dinner table.
- Oh, god, you can't be serious.
How's it going for you?
You find any Jews?
The whole case was based on an
article from the New York Post.
- Released right
before the election,
featuring a legally blind
man as the prime witness.
- Yes.
- John Grisham would
call that lazy.
Did I mention I
met John Grisham.
- If it's one thing
the crook isn't, it's lazy.
He ran the entire anti-West
gauntlet for cash with his dad.
More political theater.
It's not
political theater.
The presidential family
has been in cahoots
with the Russians
and the Chinese Communist Party
for years.
Don't forget
the Ukrainians too.
Oh, so democracy is
just disposable to you?
- I'm America first, sweetheart.
- OK.
As of 12/24/23, less than
2% of the Pentagon's budget
is spent on Ukraine.
We're not even
in the top 10 that we're
giving to defend democracy.
Across the ocean.
Y'all tell me, when did it
become a problem to serve
our national interest first?
Nobody, huh?
Well, hold on as I touch
on a tangential topics
of standardized fentanyl deaths.
Congressman, this is
the United States of America.
If we can't walk and chew
gum at the same time,
I mean, maybe we're not
who we thought we were.
- The situation at our Southern
border was a crisis.
- Oh, this is getting good.
- Those thugs--
- Oh my gosh.
--are a virus
who want democracy here.
- I hope you're keeping score.
- Just like the thugs who
tried to do the same thing
at the Capitol two years ago?
- He sparked passion.
And one glaring negative does
not outshine the flame, people.
- OK, fires are fires.
Fires are bad.
- You know, I actually
think Ally brings
up a really good point there.
I mean--
- Look, everybody, Little Miss
Pinko is out of the closet.
It's a fire.
- I mean, unemployment
is at a record low.
It's at a record
low because your government has
put so much money
into circulation
that it can finance a regime
overflow on cybertron.
- This is unbelievable.
It comes
down to one thing--
basic macroeconomics.
Look at the Phillips Curve.
- The short run or the long run?
The run of the mill.
God, you used
to believe in something.
- All of this can be
institutionally confronted,
Alexandria, if you--
God, you're
such a fucking phony.
- Dessert, anyone?
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- So bipartisan of you, sis.
- Well, this goes way
beyond party politics.
- Yeah, sure.
- No, I could give
a shit about what color
your tie is, as long as you're
doing the job that the people
voted you in to do.
I tried so hard with you.
I did.
And maybe it's me.
Maybe I'm too naive
or idealistic.
But for years, every single
day, every meeting with you,
every hand that you
shake, god, Congressman,
you are the biggest whore
in all of American politics.
- That's a little much.
- Hold it.
- I come to your house
on Christmas Eve,
passing out gifts
to your repugnant family,
and offer your goddamn job back.
You quit your job?
And this is
how you repay me, huh?
You question not only my--
my character
but my goddamn manhood?
I will not stand for such
blatant disrespect.
You know,
it says right here
that a bulk
of your donations come
from the National
Rifle Association.
And they've actually
increased 2.3%
every year after
every school shooting
since you swore the oath.
I mean, I can send you guys
the link if you want it, but--
- Yeah.
- Y'all are bunch
of crazy people.
- America!
I can't believe this.
- Ernesto, why
would you say that?
Why are you not on my side?
No, you know what
happened to me.
You know what happened to me.
I thought I
could get a movie made.
Even on Christmas,
you're that deciding guy.
He looked like you
couldn't fight sleep.
Why?
Why are you doing that, though?
It's just not fair.
Oh beautiful
for spacious skies
- I told you to stop
acting like babies.
- For amber waves of grain
- Every time, every
year, you guys-- hold on.
Are you listening to me at all?
- No, you got a lot of nerve.
- Can you just shut up?
- Ally.
- Just shut up.
I can't wait
to see your face next year.
No better present than
an "I told you so."
How about you just
stop giving gifts, Ernesto?
You suck at it.
- Ally!
- What?
- I love you.
I mean, you were
the best part of my past.
The only present I want
to give you is the future.
That is so gay.
- Stop.
No, no, the hell I will.
- I love panna cotta.
I did not.
- Dude, this looks like
an uncircumcised penis.
No, he was not
minding his own business.
He is all on all
of our business.
All of our business!
There is
no original ideas.
- Why would you even say that?
I don't name drop.
They are my friends.
Are you kidding me?
Kev is my friend.
I was this close
to being in Horizon.
- I should go.
- You love me.
- That's not the point, Adam.
- It's the only point, Ally.
Why can't you just
accept what happened?
- What happened?
- Our spark, our moment.
- Adam!
- I mean, do you even see how
I took down your boss too?
God, what else do I need to do?
I mean, please, just tell me.
All I want to do is just--
If you want to talk
Palestine, we'll talk Palestine.
- The Ravens--
- I mean, we kissed.
Oh, that's it,
Hartman, you have no boundaries.
I see.
- OK, so now you all
decide to listen in.
Great.
- Fine, we'll talk Palestine.
- Christmas Eve
football, outside now!
Game on!
Yes!
We're going
to get you guys now.
Gene, you're offside.
Gene!
Gene, get back.
You're offside!
- Get back.
Gene's offsides.
Gene's offsides.
Yeah, I'd like
to see that happen.
I'd like to see that happen.
- Holding!
Holding!
Holding!
- Touchdown!
- No holding, two feet
on the ground, on his football.
- What are you doing?
- Can we get a timeout?
We go back inside.
- The hell you will unless
your team captains had enough.
Can't commit
to the game, big boy?
Couldn't spot yourself
a couple of touchdowns, amigo?
- All right.
- Let's play.
- I need a timeout.
No, we can do it.
Mom, I'm sorry about dinner.
I just really need you--
- Oh.
Oh, god.
- Merry Christmas, Mom.
- Yeah!
- This is my scope.
- OK.
- This is my turf.
- You left him wide open.
- I thought Ernesto
had the ball, right?
- Hey, guys, huddle up.
Hey, Adam's team, let's go.
- Give me the ball.
- Guys, we are getting
embarrassed out there.
OK, cover 2 doesn't
mean double team.
- What?
- And Gene?
- Yeah?
- You need to stop
talking to the other team,
for Christ's sake.
I mean, what are you
even talking about?
- You guys are playing
like a bunch of Marys.
I mean, the first play, he
almost breaks his ankle.
You guys are breathing
like you have no lungs.
- All right, let's--
- Listen.
- Let's hear it.
- We need a new player.
- OK.
- We need a new plan.
- All right.
- We just have to hurt them.
- Gina, you need to block.
Ernesto went right past
you on that last play.
- It's just a game.
- I'm sorry, you got to chop
block your mom in the knees.
- Don't be sorry.
- Go straight.
- Don't be sorry.
- Go straight for it.
- All right.
- Do it head first.
- You're going to run
a fake bubble, deep post.
Do you think you can do that
there, Slowpoke Rodriguez?
- You try wearing these shoes.
- You--
- No mercy.
- --I need you
to take that boot.
- Yeah?
- Kick Adam in the nuts
as hard as you can.
- Yeah, I'll do it.
Yeah.
- Straight in the nuts.
- CJ, stay away from Orson.
The guy's a fucking maniac.
- Orson, you're
in at quarterback, OK?
- All of this testosterone.
- You want a shallow
torture to the X,
or you want me
to Ziggy Stardust?
- Oh.
- Yeah, I have no fucking
clue what any of that means.
Just throw me the ball.
- All right.
- Yeah, that's right.
- All right, how
do we feel, guys?
- Good!
Let's go!
- That's right!
- Yeah!
- Let's go.
- I can't feel my toes.
- This is the culmination
of your training.
Football, the man
version, final drive.
You're on Adam.
Destroy him, and you
will be my new brother.
- For England!
- You are going-- you are going
to meet your ancestors, Orson.
Prepare to say goodbye, Orson.
- Oh, yeah.
- You are so going down.
- Ready!
- Yeah.
- Hut, hut!
Hut!
- No!
- Yes!
- No!
- Wait, where are you going?
You run.
- What?
- No!
- Did you give us the ball back?
Ally, we've been close
friends for a long time.
And I mean, I feel more for you
than anyone to ever exist.
I know you feel the same.
Yes, us, it was meant to happen.
I love you so much.
Will you marry me?
So that's a no?
- Yes.
- So it's a yes?
- No, Adam.
No, absolutely not.
- OK, I get it.
I get it.
It's not a coincidence that
during the holiday season too,
we found this again.
I ground you.
You hide me.
I mean, come on,
we're Ally and Adam.
Adam and Ally, it's
interchangeable.
- Adam, tonight, it was
a great trip down memory lane.
But that's all it was--
a trip.
- So you'll probably become
president of the universe.
And I'll still be coming
to these parties every year.
- You don't realize
how special you are.
And I can't wait to see
when you find out.
- When you start to use "their,"
I get more excited by it.
But I get it, you're
not in love with me.
I mean, I'll kill
myself but I'll live.
- Adam.
When I kissed you, when I stared
at you, and I laughed with you,
and I rolled my eyes at you,
and I felt magic with you,
part of me really
wanted it to be
now the part that's been lost.
But my heart also
has another part, OK?
And, god, I know it
might be hard to believe,
but my heart is really big.
And there's nuances.
And-- and there should be
rules, and there aren't.
And it's cruel.
And I'm sorry, but I
know it's a relief
knowing that I still love you.
It feels right.
- And you kissed me first.
- You know, moments come and go.
And right now, my--
my dad's moment means banging
other lonely suburban singles.
And my moment is absorbed with
Abbey Road in the kitchen.
And your moment is out there.
In my opinion, it's
just a tap away.
- Shaun, what did we miss?
- Nothing much, just
some fun engagements.
Come on, Layla,
I'll spill the tea.
- Oh, hey, Juliet.
- Jason.
- Thank you.
Dinner was amazing.
You really proved
the skeptics wrong.
You know, that ham was
top-notch Christmas meat.
- Thank you so much, Jason.
You know, I didn't
think I would be
able to get that much flavor out
of the wheat gluten and tofu.
I have plenty of leftovers left.
Wait here.
I'll get you a to-go plate.
Don't go anywhere.
- Let's get out of here.
I'll get your coat.
- Your gloves are
in the left-hand pocket.
Your hands get cold.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- I just wanted
to apologize for everything
I put you through tonight.
She's lucky to have you.
You're a good guy, Roman.
- Yeah, you too, mate.
- Did you have fun?
If you want to go hang out
with your friends now, you can.
- No, I think it's
a little late for that.
- Good.
They don't deserve you.
We do.
It doesn't look
like it sometimes,
but we all care for you--
everyone, always.
- Everybody, wait a second.
- Adam, we're going home.
Look, I still have gifts to put
under the tree for tomorrow
and to give you a rundown
on our marital institutions.
- Yeah, get out
of my house, you traitor.
- I'm done with you, people.
- We need to see
who wins the raffle.
- Adam.
Hold on, just
give me a second.
Please.
Olha.
- Who's Olha?
- OK.
Woo!
Olha!
Guys, come on, she won.
Olha, congratulations.
You won the raffle.
She won.
- What did she win?
- Who gives a shit?
- Guys, get excited.
I mean, Olha!
Olha!
Come on.
Olha!
Olha!
Olha!
Olha!
Olha!
Olha!
Olha!
- Come on, everybody.
Come on.
- We love you, Olha.
I love you all.
Merry Christmas, guys.
- What about the presents?
- Thank you, Uncle Orson.
All right, they're
coming in hot, guys.
Come on.
- Adam!
- Catch them!
- Go down and take it.
- Thank you.
- Oh my god.
- Can you chill
out for a minute?
Merry Christmas, guys.
I love you all.
Come on, open your presents.
What are you waiting for?
Come on, you show us.
Shaun, we could use you.
- Shaun, open it.
- Oh!
- Look at that.
- And it matches your shirt.
Did you plan that?
- No.
- Did you share?
- No.
- Gene, did you get my gift?
Danny, what'd you get?
Olha deserves them.
Yeah.
Danny, what's his present?
- Oh, honey, I love it.
Oh my gosh.
Come here, sweetie.
Hey, Mrs. Claus
This one's for you
Tell me, sweet mama,
what you gotta do
- You like it?
Tired up, tanned
is just who I am
- Oh, absolutely.
Merry Christmas.
Come on, Mrs. Claus,
let me be your man
- Yes.
Yes, all right.
I could shave and wear
a cap on my head
Buy matching robes,
all shiny and red
I'm begging you, please
I'll do all that I can
Come on, Mrs. Claus
Let me be your man
- Go, America.
Let's read the back.
Let's read the back.
Wait, wait, wait.
Look.
"The incredible story of one man
who, against all odds, fought
the system from the inside."
You've always been
the one for me
My beautiful angel
on top of the tree
On Christmas Eve,
if you're feeling alone
Go right ahead
and pick up the phone
Give me a call
- I mean, which one
of you fucking nimrods
gave me the fucking T-shirts?
Come on, Mrs. Claus,
let me be your man
- Come on, sweetie.
- Ooh, yeah.
- Yeah?
- I think I know what it is.
- Yes!
Yes!
Look at that.
- Wow.
Perfect, isn't it?
Isn't it perfect?
- Nice.
Very nice.
- You got to love this.
- OK.
Chestnuts
roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost nipping
at your nose
Yuletide carols
being sung by a choir
- Danny, save it
for the rally, OK, sweetheart?
- Oh, Jesus.
- It'll be much better there.
He's going to be performing
at the women's rights rally,
which is going to be
the day after tomorrow,
so right after
Christmas, between
Christmas and New Year's.
We hope you guys come.
Come on, come on out
for women's rights.
- I will not be there,
- Come on, we got to stand
up for women's rights, OK?
Merry Christmas.
- Thanks.
Two tickets to Hawaii,
just like you wanted,
which you don't like.
Yeah, so I know that
I really haven't paid
any attention to you tonight.
And I can't remember
the last time that I
paid proper attention to you.
OK, I know that.
But I also know that you're
my world, and I love you.
And I cannot live without you.
And I want to make
this work, OK?
- I love you.
I love you.
- Really?
You do?
- Always.
I just needed to hear from you.
- I'm sorry I didn't say it.
I should have.
- But I--
- It's fine.
We're good.
We're good.
- I've been sleeping
with Juliet.
- Look, I love you.
I cannot live without you.
But if we are going
to live together,
I just have to accept you're
not a very funny person at all.
And you're going to have
to leave the comedy to me.
Merry Christmas, baby.
Let's go to Hawaii, huh?
- He's an asshole.
- No, he's actually very sweet.
He cries every time
I threaten to leave.
I think you
can give it, like,
just give it a little bit more.
You can do more.
- OK.
- Yeah, come on.
- All right.
- Come on.
- More what?
- Just more.
- OK.
- Yeah.
You're upset.
You're upset.
- OK.
- Go.
- "It's my grandson's
14th birthday.
Ms. Dombrowski wouldn't
give me the day off."
- Yes!
- Just like that?
- Yes!
That was really good.
- Oh, thanks, Ally.
- You got this.
- Oh, thank you.
- You know, there's more
presents in the garage.
Look, I'm sorry if I came
across a little rough.
- How dare you apologize?
What a nerd.
Don't touch me.
Christmas bells
cast a spell on the world
Bringing you home to me
from across the sea
- Great seeing you again.
- You too.
- I'm glad you made it.
- I know.
Me too.
Come here.
Whenever I hear Christmas
bells chimed in my ear
- Hey, you ready?
- Yeah, one second.
Hey, Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- Absolutely.
- Wonderful.
- Merry Christmas.
- Nicest memories.
- Thank you.
- How about the mess
in that house?
- Come on.
Pay-per-view starts
in 20 minutes.
Christ!
- Thank you.
Best Christmas ever.
- Thanks.
- I mean that.
Hey, Juliet, I can
never repay you.
You saved my marriage.
Thank you.
- You have a gift somewhere.
Come on, honey.
Why wait?
- Thank you.
Absolutely lovely.
Good luck.
- Kisses.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- You got me.
- Yes.
- Come in.
- I told you it wasn't
going to work out.
- No, you didn't.
- Yes.
I love you.
- I love you too, Shaun.
- All right.
- See you soon, all right?
- Yep.
When a snowflake falls
When a bluebird
calls on Christmas
Love songs that we heard
All just seem
absurd on Christmas
When you hold me tight
In the shimmering
light of Christmas
When a fire lights up
a starry night on Christmas
Promises we made all just
seems to fade on Christmas
When you kiss me slow under
the mistletoe on Christmas
On Christmas
You don't have
to buy me flowers
I don't need no shiny jewels
Only one thing
on my wish list
And baby, it is you
I don't want a little puppy
I don't need no fancy cars
Promise me one small thing
You will be
my Christmas star
Every year on this day
I feel so alone
This time I've got you, babe
I don't mind the cold
You don't have
to leave me boxes
Underneath that evergreen
Wrap yourself with
bows and ribbons
That's the best gift for me
Every year on this day
I feel so alone
This time I've got you, babe
I don't mind the cold
You don't have
to bring me flowers
I don't want no shiny jewels
Only one thing
on my wish list
And baby, it is you
Promise me one small thing
You will be
my Christmas star
Yeah