A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum (1966) Movie Script

"("? "Comedy Tonight)"
? "Something familiar, something peculiar"
? "Something for everyone.:"
a comedy tonight
? "Something appealing,"
something appalling
? "Something for everyone.:"
a comedy tonight
? "Nothing for kings"
? "Nothing for crowns"
? "Bring on the lovers, liars and clowns"
? "Old situations, new complications"
? "Nothing portentous or polite"
? "Tragedy tomorrow, comedy tonight"
? "Something convulsive,"
something repulsive
? "Something for everyone.:"
a comedy tonight
? "Something aesthetic,"
something frenetic
? "Something for everyone.:"
a comedy tonight
"(chorus)" ? "Nothing of gods, nothing of fate"
? "Weighty affairs will just have to wait"
Our principal characters live...
on this street,
in a less fashionable suburb of Rome,
in these three houses.
First, the house of Erronius,
a befuddled old man,
abroad now in search of his children,
stolen in infancy by pirates.
"(chorus)" ? "Something erratic,"
something dramatic
? "Something for everyone.:"
a comedy tonight
Second, the house of Lycus, a buyer and
seller of the flesh of beautiful women.
Thats for those of you
who have no interest in pirates.
Something for everyone.
? A comedy tonight
And, finally, the house of Senex,
who lives here with his wife and son.
Also in this house dwells Pseudolus,
slave to his son.
Pseudolus is my favourite character
in the piece -
a role of enormous variety and nuance,
and played by an actor of such versatility,
such magnificent range, such...
Let me put it this way - I play the part.
"(chorus)" ? "Something familiar,"
something peculiar
? "Something for everyone.:"
a comedy tonight
? "Something thats gaudy,"
something thats bawdy
? "Something for everybodys taste"
? "Pantaloons and tunics"
? "Courtesans and eunuchs"
? "Funerals and chases"
? "Baritones and basses"
- ? "Panderers"
- ? "Philanderers"
- ? "Cupidity"
- ? "Timidity"
- ? "Mistakes"
- ? "Fakes"
- ? "Rhymes"
- ? "Mimes"
? "Tumblers, grumblers,"
fumblers, bumblers
? "No royal curse, no Trojan Horse"
? "And theres a happy ending of course"
? "Goodness and badness"
? "Man in his madness"
? "This time it all turns out all right"
? "Tragedy tomorrow"
? "Comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy,"
comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy
? "Comedy tonight"
Hup! Hie!
You, boy. Why are we stopping? Hurry up.
My dear and noble neighbours,
my apologies.
Since moving in next door Ive been
remiss in not calling to pay my respects.
However, it is our inaugural week,
and you know what "that" is.
I certainly do not. Move on.
All right, dont stand. Move. Move! Hup.
A common flesh pedlar in
the house next to ours. Disgusting!
Disgraceful. All that revolting flesh,
just next door.
- Make way for the house of Senex.
- "(man)" Senex, wait.
Is this not Pseudolus, your slave?
He was parading as a citizen.
Believe me, mistress, I was not parading.
I was walking humbly like a slave.
He invited us to game with him.
He cheated us out of nine minae.
- Nine? I took seven.
- Return nine.
One. Two. Three. Four. Im being cheated
out of the money I won fairly.
- Pseudolus.
- Seven. Eight.
- Wheres five and six?
- Im coming to them. Nine. Five. Six.
Thank you, citizens.
Do not fear, he will be punished.
- Farewell.
- Farewell.
- Now...
- I know, I should be whipped.
Gently. However, my intentions
were of the noblest.
Hearing that you were
visiting your dear mother,
I wanted to purchase a remembrance -
some bath essence, a new spear.
Fifty more lashes for lying.
You were doing what you always do -
seeking money to buy your freedom.
Freedom? Oh, madam,
who would want to be free of you?
Who indeed?
- Hysterium?
- My mistress calls.
Slave-in-chief, drag this man home
and beat him without mercy.
- I shall be brutal.
- Good. Up.
We go to buy a breeder slave. Attend
to him, Hysterium, my slave of slaves.
I live to grovel. I shall lash him to pulp.
I shall wear out eight whips.
Strong men will blanch. My arm will...
"(auctioneer)" Come along. Theyre all
from Gaul and theyre all from Egypt.
You, sir... and you.
Come along now, gents. Theyre all
fresh in today. Dont waste my time.
No? Try Fertilla the Populator.
300 pounds of fertile flesh.
Has produced 18 healthy little slaves,
and is capable of producing 18 more.
You wont regret it.
It is time we were gone. Senex?
Ah, here you are. And there I am. A gift for
my mother on the anniversary of her birth.
104 and not an organ
in working condition.
- Will it please her?
- The craftsmanship is superb.
- And the likeness?
- Frightening.
We go.
Hysterium, here are my husbands final
instructions. Watch over our son Hero.
Keep him cheerful, well fed
and far from the opposite sex.
He must learn sometime.
When that time comes, you shall
teach him - what little you know.
Above all, do not let his eyes stray to that
house next door. I hold you responsible.
- Rather than let you down, I would die.
- That is what I had in mind.
- Furthermore...
- We are on our way.
- We are on our way.
- Come, Senex. Carry my bust with pride.
Yes, dear. A lesson to remember:
never fall in love during a total eclipse.
Thank you, sir.
- Where "is" Hero?
- Hes in his room, studying with his tutor.
The sun and the moon revolve around
the Earth, as do the four planets.
Above all there is a great blue bowl,
which is the sky. There are many stars...
"(woman)" ..capable of much pleasure,
among which the brushing of a flower...
Many stars have been named
by the Egyptian astronomers,
but we have developed our modern
system of astronomy from the Greeks.
Who, as you know,
were very poor scholars.
The Earth is a flat platform of ground
that meets...
Take this message of my love
to she who has captured my heart.
That breeder woman,
has she been thrown a mate yet?
Alas, she refuses just any slave.
She demands to choose.
Choose? Shell breed and like it,
like everyone else. Almost everyone.
We caught your runaway slave. Now he
dare challenge our right to execute him.
Im a family slave. Whats the good
of that if youre executed by strangers?
- He is correct. We shall torture him.
- See how they look after their own?
Hold your tongue.
Thank you, Officer.
Now, what can we devise?
Something suitable and lingering.
- May I suggest...?
- You may not.
- Hang him.
- Hanging is too good for him.
- Much too good.
- By the feet?
That doesnt hurt much.
Hanging by the feet while being lashed.
They hate that.
They should hate that. If I suggest
that we try to find some other method,
it is only because I happen to be
completely impervious to physical pain,
and I cant stand the thought
of spoiling your pleasure.
- I thought you were impervious to pain.
- Not my own.
- You like him?
- I like him.
Have him. Congratulations,
your life has been spared.
May it be long, healthy and productive.
Productive as a breeder?
Hang me.
This is your house.
Come, come.
Well, visit at any time, dear neighbour.
No obligation to buy,
just come in and browse.
Senex! Come away
from that house of shame.
I was only just standing here
and saying Shame, shame.
For your own good, Hysterium,
look after Hero.
- What brings you up here?
- I was trying to get in...
In there? You must never know
what goes on in that house.
- But I do know.
- You do? Isnt it amazing?
- Pseudolus, Im in love!
- Well, thats very...
In love? You? Who is she?
Sometimes you can see her
in that window.
A common courtesan
in the house of Lycus?
- Is that disgraceful?
- It doesnt sound like an achievement.
I dont care.
I will give anything for her. Anything.
- You really love that girl?
- Oh!
I like the way you said that.
Master Hero, you cannot buy her -
at your age youre not allowed to buy her -
but suppose someone with tremendous
cunning could arrange for her to be yours.
If that someone could arrange it,
what would you give me?
I will give you everything I own.
But what do you own? 20 minae,
a collection of seashells - and me.
Forget about the minae and the seashells.
Just give me me.
- Give you you?
- My freedom.
Pseudolus, people do not go around
freeing slaves every day.
Be the first, start a fashion.
- Get me that girl.
- And if I do?
- You are free.
- I am what?
- Free.
- Free!
If Ive told you once
Ive told you a hundred times,
do not fan the girls when theyre wet!
But youll never learn.
Youll be a eunuch all your life.
Oh! You bitch!
(coins jangle)
I know that sound.
And I love it.
Ugh! You.
How did you come into money?
An unexpected legacy.
My uncle Simo, the Carthaginian elephant
breeder, came to an untimely end.
He was crushed to death
on the last day of the mating season.
- This morning I bought my freedom.
- Congratulations... citizen.
With this much left over
for one gross indulgence.
Lycus, I am in the market
for a lifetime companion.
I say in all modesty, I have an assortment
of beauty second to none, and... Who?
My former young master.
Thought Id further his education.
Hes bored with picture books.
You understand?
Who better than l?
Come in, little boy, wont you?
Eunuchs, quickly. A buyer!
(soothing music )
Was I a good year?
Now, for your approval and
possible purchase, from out of the East,
with the face of an idol, the arms of
a willow tree, the pelvis of a camel:
(drum roll)
(belly-dance music )
Was this the one?
Dont you have anyone
in there a bit less noisy?
I have.
Vibrata. A desert bloom of
indescribable beauty. Lithe as a tigress.
Wondrous as a flamingo.
For he whose interest is the wildlife.
Thank you.
(Sixties jazzy dance music )
- No.
- Uh!
Frankly, I was hoping to live past
my wedding night. She seems a bit too...
No matter. I understand.
Consider the Gemini: a matched pair.
Look at them -
either one a divinely assembled woman,
together, an infinite number
of mathematical possibilities.
(sweeping romantic music )
"(hoarsely)" No.
Im a man of limited means, and I dont
suppose youd want to break up a set.
I couldnt. You do understand?
Completely. Do go on.
And on, and on, and on, and on, and on.
Enough! I know what you want.
Behold Panacea.
Panacea, whose face holds
a thousand promises,
and a body that stands behind
each promise.
"(? big-band jazz)"
"(very hoarsely)" No.
Dont misunderstand - its the proportions.
I love the breadth, its the length.
She may be the right length, but is
she right for me? You see what I mean?
- Isnt she a bit too short?
- Definitely not.
- Too tall?
- Thats where youre perfect together.
Yes, but how often will we find
ourselves in "this" position?
No need to compromise.
My final offering:
Gymnasia, the silent woman.
A giant stage upon which
a thousand dramas may be played.
You can speak with her?
Whilst a child I had a nurse
from the Isle of Silent Women.
- May I have my foot back?
- "(Pseudolus)" You poor child.
- Pseudolus!
- Yes, darling?
Do you want your freedom?
- More than ever. Ill take her.
- Thats not the one.
But yours isnt here.
Its not nice to walk out without buying...
I want my...
If you must squabble, do it
in a place of less character.
I know your type: shoppers.
Please dont touch the merchandise.
It shows every mark.
Courtesans, back to your quarters.
Ill be back for noonday prayers.
Move. Do you mind? Out!
Please, quickly, out. Both of you, go.
- Quickly, out. Out.
- "(Hero)" There she is!
One moment. Did I not just spy a golden
head with sky-blue eyes on yon balcony?
Oh, that one.
A recent arrival from Crete. A virgin.
- A virgin.
- Is that good?
- "(Lycus)" Only today she was sold.
- Sold?
Then receive, O bosom, thy fatal blade.
Behave yourself.
She was sold?
Yes. To the agents of a Roman captain.
He claims her this very day.
- Today!
- She cost 500 minae.
- Then receive, O bosom, thy...
- Put your bosom away.
- You say she just arrived from Crete?
- Yes.
I hope the captain is kind to her.
She deserves a bit of affection before...
- Tragic, is it not?
- What? Whats tragic?
- The news from Crete.
- What news?
Why should I darken your day?
Farewell, Lycus.
- What is the news?
- What news?
- The news from Crete?
- You force me to tell you.
Crete is being ravaged by a plague.
People are dying by the thousands.
This girl is healthy.
She smiles through the day.
I thought you knew -
when they smile, the end is near.
- No.
- Yes.
Im told it is lovely now in Crete -
everyone lying there, smiling.
Is it... is it contagious?
- You ever see a plague that wasnt?
- What about my other girls?
Youd best get her out of here.
- Yes. But where? How?
- Ill take her before the captain arrives.
Capital! Ill go fetch her.
Why should "you" risk...?
Because Ive already had the plague.
I would tell you all about it, but...
No. Ill go fetch her. Dont go away.
Pseudolus, Im to be with her!
- Until the captain arrives this forenoon.
- Yes.
- Wait.
- Yes?
- A brilliant idea.
- Yes!
Thats what we need, a brilliant idea.
Go, go! Get a move on.
No, dont touch that pillar. Go, go.
Mind your breathing - just inhale. Go, go.
Pseudolus, how kind you are.
I shall not forget this.
Someday I shall repay you,
for you, Pseudolus, are a true friend.
And you, Lycus,
are a gentleman and a procurer.
To the garden, and break the news
that youre gonna run away to marry her.
- Wont I catch the plague?
- There is no plague. We made that up.
- Clever of us.
- Wasnt it?
Ill hie myself to the harbour to hire a boat.
Hoe you to the garden.
You hie... and Ill hoe.
Good luck.
- My name is Hero.
- My name is Philia.
- Ive often seen you.
- Ive often seen you, too.
Ive watched you undressing at night.
Only from the waist up. Its a high window.
You have beautiful legs.
You do, too.
I imagine, I mean.
I would show them to you,
but theyre sold.
I cost 500 minae.
Is that a lot of money?
- Yes.
- More than 300?
- Nearly twice as much.
- Three and five, they always mix me up.
I hope the captain doesnt
expect me to do adding.
- You cant add?
- "(fly buzzes)"
Were taught charm and grace, and no
more. I cannot add or spell or anything.
I have but one talent.
? Im lovely
? All I am is lovely
? Lovely is the one thing I can do
? Winsome
? What I am is winsome
? Radiant as in some dream come true
? Oh
? Isnt it a shame?
? I can neither sew nor cook
? Nor read nor write my name
? But Im happy
? Merely being lovely
? For its one thing I can give to you
Philia, say my name.
- Just say your name?
- Yes.
Very well, then.
Ive forgotten it.
Its Hero.
Forgive me, Hero.
Ive no memory for names.
You dont need one.
You dont need anything.
? Youre lovely
? Absolutely lovely
? Whod believe the loveliness of you?
? Winsome
? Sweet and warm and winsome
? "Radiant as in some dream come true"
? "Now Venus would seem tame"
? "Helen and her thousand ships"
would have to die of shame
"(both)" ? "And Im happy"
- ? "Happy that Im lovely"
- ? "Happy that youre lovely"
"(both)" ? "For theres one thing"
loveliness can do
? Its a gift for me to share
? With you
Psst! Psst!
Master Hero, put that down.
Hysterium, this is Philia.
Never mind who she is, who "is" she?
Where did you find her?
- In the house of Lycus.
- A courtesan? No!
- I am a virgin.
- Of course.
Master Hero, bid farewell to this person
so that she can go about her... business.
- No, no, no. Pseudolus said...
- Pseudolus? I might have known it!
A passage to Thessaly
for two at the first tide.
- In one hour.
- Good. Now, care to play for the boat?
How dare you! Arranging an assignation
between a boy and a you-know-what!
Theres something about that
you-know-what you know not.
- What do I know not?
- That girl is my daughter.
- Your what?
- Youve heard me speak of her.
- Never. That girl is not your daughter.
- My sister?
- I go tell his parents.
- Wait!
He insisted on meeting her, but she was
sold to a captain who claims her today.
What can happen in an hour?
At his age? The mind boggles.
I go tell his parents.
- I go with you.
- You wait till I tell them about you.
No. You wait till I tell them about "you."
Tell them what about me?
I am a pillar of virtue.
It may be of interest that
their pillar of virtue, their slave-in-chief,
has secreted in his cubicle Romes most
extensive collection of erotic pottery.
When did you acquire that large fruit bowl
with the frieze of the...?
- Neither of us is perfect.
- If it is only for an hour or so.
Wheres the harm? Especially with the
master and mistress safely out of the way.
Im worried about Hero. Perhaps I should
go back and keep a fatherly eye...
- Stop!
- Whoa!
- I saw that.
- I was stung by a bee.
- Oh, my nose!
- We shall have to have it resharpened.
I suppose I could hasten back to the
stonecutter and join you tomorrow mor...
No. The trip would tire me.
I should be exhausted.
You shall go back, you selfish toad. Now.
But, my love, I dont know how I shall
survive the long lonely night without you.
Youll just have to force yourself.
Ive just been to the harbour.
We must hurry.
- Are you going somewhere?
- No, but you are.
I cannot go.
Why can you not?
While the captain has a contract, I must
go with him. I must honour my contract.
An honest virgin.
What a terrible combination.
Excuse me. Well give her
a little knock on the head and...
No, I will not use force against her.
Venus, why did you bring us together
only to part us?
Be brave, Hero.
For us, there will never be happiness.
Then we must learn to be happy
without it. When will the captain take me?
In due time you will be taken,
but not in the garden.
- Inside.
- How shall I know its him?
He will knock on the door three times.
Go on upstairs and wait.
My mistresss bedroom, the green one.
Go, go. Up, up, up. Go, go, go. Master...
Master, she will go with you, I promise.
Shes gone. Good.
Then Ill get you a nice plump peahen. We
must try to get your appetite back to food.
- Our passport to freedom.
- What is it?
I lifted Hysteriums book of potions. Well
mix a sleeping potion in a beaker of wine.
Well give it to the girl to drink
and tell Lycus she died of the plague.
You hie her to the boat.
I hie me to the hills - free!
- Brilliant!
- Not brilliant, just... Well, yes, brilliant.
I just remembered something frightening.
I cannot read. Find the sleeping potions,
quickly. The ingredients, quickly.
- Eye of an eel.
- That we have.
- Heart of a snail.
- That we have.
- A cup of mare sweat.
- That we have not.
Mare sweat. Where will we find
mare sweat on a day like this?
Quick! You to the north,
I to the south.
- This is exciting.
- Isnt it? Go!
Follow me!
- That way.
- Yes, yes.
The green bedroom?
Knock three times?
(knocks three times)
"(Philia)" The captain.
Take me. Take me.
- I beg your pardon?
- Take me.
Just a moment.
Now, what did you say?
Take me, my body is yours.
Is this not what you want?
- It has crossed my mind.
- But you must know something.
Though you may have my body,
you shall never have my heart.
You cant have everything.
A thousand thanks...
whichever one of you did this.
Would you believe it? There was a mare
sweating not two streets from here.
- Looks more like his father every day.
- Pseudolus, hes here.
- No.
- Remember where we stopped.
- Sir, youre back.
- She almost broke it. Who is she?
You may well ask.
Who is she? you ask, as well you may.
- Delightful.
- I await your bidding.
- My bid...
- Ever your servant.
- Ever my servant.
- Thats it. Your servant. Your new maid.
- New maid? She seems very loyal.
- Very courteous, efficient, thoughtful.
Maids like me. Im neat.
I like maids. "Theyre" neat.
"(? Everybody Ought To Have A Maid)"
? Everybody ought to have a maid
? Everybody ought to have a working girl
? Everybody ought to have a lurking girl
? To potter around the house
? Everybody ought to have a maid
? Everybody ought to have a menial
? Consistently congenial
? And quieter than a mouse
? Oh, oh, wouldnt she be delicious
? Tidying up the dishes, neat as a pin?
? Oh, oh, wouldnt she be delightful,
sweeping out?
? Sleeping in
? Everybody ought to have a maid
? Someone who when
fetching you your slipper
? Will be winsome as a whippoorwill
? And graceful as a grouse
? Fluttering up the stairways,
shuttering up the windows
? Cluttering up the bedroom,
buttering up the master
? Puttering all around the house
- A maid?
- A maid.
- A maid?
- A maid.
? Everybody ought to have a maid
? Everybody ought to have a serving girl
? A loyal and unswerving girl
? Whos quieter than a mouse
? Oh, oh, think of her at the dustbin
? Specially when shes just been
traipsing about
? Oh, oh, wouldnt she be delightful,
living in?
? Giving out
? Everybody ought to have a maid
? Someone who you hire
when youre short of help
? To offer you the sort of help
you never get from a spouse
- ? Pattering through the attic
- ? Chattering in the cellar
- ? Clattering in the kitchen
- ? Flattering in the bedroom
? Pottering all around the house
The virgin, how is she?
- A maid.
- A maid.
- A maid.
- A maid?
? Everybody ought to have a maid
? Someone whos efficient and reliable
? Obedient and pliable
and quieter than a mouse
? Oh, oh, wouldnt she be so nimble
? Fiddling with a thimble,
mending a gown?
? Oh, oh, wouldnt she be delightful,
cleaning up?
? Leaning down
? Everybody ought to have a maid
? Someone wholl be
busy as a bumblebee
? And even if you grumble
? Be as graceful as a grouse
- ? Wriggling in the anteroom
- ? Jiggling in the living room
- ? Giggling in the dining room
- ? Wiggling in the other rooms
? Pottering all around the house
The virgin, how is she?
Tell me, I want to know how she...
- ? The house
- How is the virgin?!
? The house
Shes very low. Remember the smile?
Its now nearly a grin.
I pray she lasts. I had a bad experience
with an officer to whom I had sold a virgin.
- What happened?
- She turned out to be a dud.
A dud virgin? How could that happen?
You see, the fellow who sold me the
dud virgin also sold me a dud eunuch.
- Ill keep this one alive as long as I can.
- Youre a saint.
I shall instruct the new maid
in housework. Starting in my room.
But, sir, your son may be
in that very house.
Oh, dear.
- Sir, this house is empty.
- So it is, sir.
Before your friend Erronius went abroad
in search of his children stolen by pirates,
he asked you to look into his house.
Yes. Now might be as good a time as any.
Send the girl in here.
But, sir. Only my deepest devotion to you
allows me to speak so frankly.
You have trudged the road some way, and
I fear that this great physical exertion...
Great heavens. Is that me?
I smell like an overheated horse.
I must bathe.
At least. Shall I send the girl to you,
say, in one hour?
At least.
(Erronius) Home at last. After years
of searching for my long lost children,
how good it is to see
this street once more.
These tired old eyes fill with tears
at the sight of the little they see.
Pardon me, young woman.
Im sorry, but I...
Oh, what a lovely baby.
Just about the age of my children when
they were stolen in infancy by pirates.
But at least I have
the comforts of my lonely home.
- Who are you?
- Hysterium, sir. Servant to Senex.
? Oh, everybody ought to have...
- What was that?
- I didnt hear anything.
? Oh, oh...
I didnt hear that either.
- It was an eerie sound.
- Eerie sound?
Like the house was haunted.
Sir, what Im about to tell you is eerie.
Your house is haunted.
- Haunted?
- Haunted as the day is long.
Perhaps you should stay with relatives,
distant relatives.
Yes. No. Fetch me a soothsayer.
- A soothsayer?
- He must search my house at once.
(chants garbled invocation)
Sir, youre in need of a soothsayer.
- How did you know?
- Id be a fine soothsayer if I didnt.
- Theres a spirit in my hou...
- Silence!
(strange yell)
Im about to say the sooth.
You... I see it. I see everything.
You... you have been...
abroad for...
20 years. You have been...
searching for...
a child.
No, two childs.
A fine big boy...
and a strange little boy.
No, no. "(garbled invocation)"
A girl! A girl.
A boy and a girl.
- Can you find them for me?
- Certainly I can find them.
Each wear a ring that has engraved
upon it a gaggle of geese.
There are only two more like this in
the world, and my children wear them.
- How many geese in a gaggle?
- At least seven.
Seven?! Before I say the sooth again,
you must run seven times
around the Seven Hills of Rome.
- And the spirit?
- It will be gone after you do my bidding.
- Thanks.
- To the hills!
- To the hills.
- Oh.
- This is the way, sir.
- Thank you, young woman.
Sir, sir! You forgot your gaggle!
You see? Everything is turning out fine.
When the master thinks the virgins a
maid, the virgin thinks shes his mistress,
and the mistress
doesnt know about her son?
See that the master stays in the bath the
next hour, and Ill get the girl out of here.
- How soon?
- When Hero brings more mare sweat.
Mare sweat?!
Theres no need to remind me.
I need some more bath towels at once.
Be patient, my dear.
I shall not keep you panting long.
Come on, you rotten slave, move.
Pick those chains up. Come on!
Ah, thank you, lad.
It is thirsty work.
Thats mine.
(bells ring)
- Yes?
- Is this the house of Marcus Lycus?
- Yes.
- Then aside, eunuch.
Inform Lycus we would see him at once.
Yes, possibilities. Carry on.
Was that a customer, dear eunuch?
Welcome, most noble warrior. Wont you
come in? Perhaps some wine. Perhaps...
No, no, no, no, no, no.
We are emissaries from he for whom
a maiden was purchased from you.
A maiden.
Shell be claimed within the hour
by our illustrious captain, Miles Gloriosus.
I know that name.
I dont think I like it.
The mighty Miles bids you know
that he did purchase a maiden from
scum such as yourself some years ago.
This so-called maiden delivered proof
that shed been nothing of the sort.
- Accidents will happen.
- But never again to the great Gloriosus.
Should anything be amiss with your
maiden, hell seize your entire stock.
- Thats fair.
- And then hell burn down your house.
- Reasonable.
- Then hell...
No, no. Inform the captain the maid will be
ready and very willing and very healthy.
With just a slight touch of plague.
Excuse me. Have you seen a handsome
youth running after a sweating horse?
Very generous of you, sir.
Excuse me, madam. A cool youth and
a hot mare, have you by any chance...?
Most kind of you, madam.
Sir, might I ask...?
Thank you humbly, sir.
Master Hero has been here.
Thank you kindly, sir.
Im sorry, I cant stop now. I...
Youve been sold? To whom?
A Syrian shepherd?
Hes collecting you within the hour.
I may never see her again.
- In a few...
- "(man shouting)"
- In a few... Listen carefully!
- "(man shouting)"
In one hour the captain arrives.
How can I save my head?
One hour before the Syrian shepherd
arrives. How can I save Gymnasia?
If I could find someone to take my place
for an hour. But who?
If I could but take Lycuss place
for one hour. But how?
"(both)" Excuse me. Not at all.
- Pseudolus.
- Lycus.
Hail, Marcus Lycus.
I was looking for you.
But I was looking for you.
- Isnt that amazing?
- Fantastic.
"(both)" Its about the girls...
Did you say Its about the girls?
- Yes. Did you?
- Yes.
- Amazing.
- Fantastic.
You see, it occurred to me
when you were in my place...
- That I didnt have time...
- ..to decide...
- ..about choosing a wife.
- Precisely. What a marvellous rapport.
- Amazing.
- Fantastic.
And so I was thinking...
- That Id spend more time...
- Alone...
"(both)" ..with the girls.
Lycus, youre making me cry.
One other thing.
You see, my father...
- You have a father?
- Yes.
- Isnt that amazing?
- Fantastic.
Furthermore, hes on his way to my house
and he thinks Im just a tradesman.
Poor fellow. But what if, when he arrives,
we have moved the girls elsewhere?
Yes. But how to find a suitable elsewhere.
- Where else?
- The house of the good Senex.
Why not? Hes out of the way for an hour.
But who will take care of my place? The
shepherd comes to buy the silent woman.
I dont suppose, Pseudolus,
I could impose upon you...
To take your place?
Pretend that Im you for an hour?
Lycus, it would be a privilege.
Oh, now youre making "me" cry.
Oh, one more thing.
The captain who comes for the virgin,
should he arrive while Im gone...
- Mind you, I do not...
- Ill just hand her over.
If shes not alive,
fob him off with another girl.
Im told hes a most kind,
gentle and considerate man.
- Have no fears.
- I wont, dear Pseudolus.
And may I say,
you will never live to regret this.
Gone to see a nose grinder indeed.
Hes cavorting with those courtesans.
- But, Mother, what can I do?
- Do?
Return to Rome immediately, before he
can do what no doubt hes already done.
Come on, now.
Right. Hey, hey!
Come on, come on. "(groans)"
Quickly, on your feet. The change
will do you good. Quick, quick. Out.
- Come quickly.
- You there!
- You there!
- Go, go.
- Oh, theres so much of you there.
- Later, later.
Go, go.
Why do you stand here? Come on, we
have no time. Come, come, come, come.
You will be gone before that shepherd
arrives. Can you leave immediately?
No arguing. Go away. Come, come.
Oh, Vibrata, really! Go.
Come, come.
First time around.
What was that?
Ho, there. I am seeking
the house of Marcus Lycus.
Who is it that reeks the louse
of Marcus Leakus?
- Hold, sir!
- Who leaks the louse...?
Youre not holding, sir. Who is he
that seeks the house of Marcus Lycus?
A foot soldier of Captain Miles Gloriosus.
- Smartly done.
- Thank you.
My captain dispatches me to inform you
that hes half a league away,
and bids you honour this.
You know what this is, of course?
Of course I know what this is.
This is... writing.
- This is your contract with the captain.
- A pretty piece of work.
- Thank you.
- What is this word here?
That is Lycus.
- You realise who you are speaking to?
- Yes, sir.
Do you realise what it says there?
I know what it says there.
Words. I intend to stand behind them
or my name is not Marcus Lycus.
Or my name is not
Pseudolus Marcus Lycus.
One moment.
I must have a word with my eunuch.
- Oh, please.
- Thank you very much.
Come here, eunuch!
Eunuch? How dare you call me that!
You and I know it isnt true,
so why do we care what they think?
- Why are you calling yourself Lycus?
- You see...
- Why should I spoil your day?
- How can you spoil a total disaster?
- The captain comes for the girl now.
- Thats terrible.
- Why?
- The master also wants her now.
He cant have her!
Just keep him in that house.
- But, Pseudolus...
- Lycus.
- But, Pseudolus...
- Lycus.
- But, Pseudolus...
- Lycus. I still know about that pottery.
But, Lycus...
Goodbye, Lycus. Farewell, Lycus.
Good luck, Lycus.
He is Lycus.
Tell your captain his bride awaits.
Smartly done.
- "(whispers)" Hysterium!
- Sire?
Remember that potion which so fills one
with energy one can perform miracles?
Oh, yes, sire. We still have some left
from your wedding night.
- Bring me a beaker.
- Yes, master.
Good afternoon. Good afternoon.
Good afternoon.
"(? Bring Me My Bride)"
? My bride, my bride,
Ive come to claim my bride
? Come tenderly
to crush her against my side
? Let haste be made,
I cannot be delayed
? There are lands to conquer,
cities to loot, and peoples to degrade
? Look at those arms,
look at that chest - look at them!
? Not to mention the rest -
even I am impressed!
? My bride, my bride,
come, bring to me my bride
? My lust for her no longer can be denied
? Convey the news
I have no time to lose
? There are towns to plunder,
temples to burn, and women to abuse
? Look at that foot,
look at that heel
? Mark the magnificent muscles of steel
? I am my ideal
? I, Miles Gloriosus
? I, slaughterer of thousands
? I, oppressor of the meek
? Subduer of the weak
? Degrader of the Greek
? Destroyer of the Turk
? Must hurry back to work
? I, Miles Gloriosus
? I, paragon of virtues
? I, in war the most admired
? In wit the most inspired
? In love the most desired
? In dress the best displayed
? I am a parade
? Look at those eyes, cunning and keen
? Look at the size of those thighs,
like a mighty machine
? Those are the mightiest thighs
I ever have theen
? I mean...
? My bride, my bride,
inform my lucky bride
? The fabled arms of Miles are open wide
? Make haste, make haste,
I have no time to waste
? There are shrines I should be sacking,
ribs I should be cracking
? Eyes to gouge and booty to divide
? Bring me my bride
(holds high note)
Stand aside, everyone.
I take large steps.
- Hail, Miles Gloriosus!
- You are?
Marcus Lycus.
I am dazzled by your presence.
Everyone is.
Where is my bride?
It is a sad tale I have to tell the captain.
Bad news... Argh!
Did not my aide inform you
that should anything be amiss,
your house would be burnt,
your women seized and your life forfeit?
He didnt. Did he?
- He did.
- He did! And I meant it.
Theres been some mistake.
Here! Here is the man you want.
Tell him who I am.
- Everybody knows who you are, Lycus.
- No.
- Tell him who I am. Tell him!
- Rely on me. He is Marcus Lycus.
Not so! "He" is Lycus.
Sire, if you look within
you will find none but hooded men.
We are a holy order, an ancient
brotherhood of lepers. Unclean, unclean.
Unclean, unclean.
- Well, Lycus, what of this bad news?
- There is no bad news.
I only say that so as not to make
the gods jealous. She is ugly. Ugly!
Ugly! Ugly!
Really, shes beautiful.
- I did not want them envying you.
- What is she like?
A face so fair, a heart so pure.
Sir, if you had been born a woman,
you would have been she.
As magnificent as that?
She will be ready soon. Some food?
That is unnecessary.
I will await her in your house.
- "(wails)" No!
- No?
I meant yes.
It just came out no.
- And who are you?
- My chief eunuch, sir.
Just kick him if he offends you.
Surround the house.
While I am within, let no one else enter.
What was that all about?
Why didnt you give him the girl?
Its time we two trusted each other.
One of us isnt ready.
Why didnt you give him the girl?
She refuses to go with him.
But Master Heros out getting her a potion.
So keep the master in his bath until...
Arrange food, drink, entertainment
and a sit-down orgy for 14.
These sands will run out
in exactly one half-hour.
If my bride is not delivered by then, this
house will be an empty patch of ground.
That rotten Lycus!
That lovely Pseudolus.
What a glorious day. Wont you join me in
a beaker? Everyone, a beaker with me. I...
- Crassus!
- Marcus?
I heard you were abroad
in search of pulchritude.
I returned this morn.
With as choice a cargo as youve seen.
- Good man.
- From Crete.
Crete? Do not touch me. Do not breathe
on me. The plague. The plague!
Theres no plague on Crete.
No plague? No one lying around,
smiling themselves to death?
- Its the healthiest isle in the world.
- He lied to me, tricked me.
You, tricked?
Yes. But not for long. I go to the captain
and see that that swine is killed!
- Which swine?
- The lyingest, cheatingest slave in Rome.
Oh, Pseudolus.
Chapter six.
The Sabine campaign,
in which a boy becomes a man.
Laden with the spoils of conquest,
I then set forth for Egypt,
little knowing that here waited for me
that black-fringed temptress
who was to play so great a part in my...
Oh, get off, get off, get off!
As you know, at this time all Gaul
was divided into eight parts.
Agh! Back, leper. Bring not your
contagion into the house of Lycus.
House of...? Pseudolus, tell them
who I am. I am no leper. I am Lycus!
Ah, the poor creature.
Just jab him back into his den of ill health.
Oh, Pseudolus, Ill have my revenge.
Ill get in to see the captain yet.
This I swear by the great Necrophites,
god of procurers...
and go-betweens.
A new god, but a very hard worker.
I rely on you, Miles said Caesar firmly.
Hold that Tiber.
Yes, thats good.
Hold that... hold that Tiber.
If you see a lad with mare sweat,
send him up to the green bedroom.
Not down there!
When I heard the revellers,
I thought my captain had come.
He has, but hes not ready yet.
Just wait in there. Wait. Wait, wait!
Thats what virgins
are supposed to do best.
- My man has come for me.
- Good. Where is he?
Wait, my little one.
I must wash my hands.
I shall be back in a nonce.
At most, two nonces.
I shall knock on the door three times.
- Whered she go?
- In there.
Knock three times and shes yours.
One, two, three.
The hourglass!
Sir... May I suggest, sir,
just one more scrub?
No, thats enough. One more scrub
and youll wash away my enthusiasm.
All right, now. I want everybody...
Listen, will you?!
When I say push, push hard.
Push terribly hard. Push!
No entry? I live, eat and sleep
here every day of my life.
But today its officers only.
Master, the passion potion.
You must drink it while its hot.
If you are the new gardeners,
dont lean on those things, get to work.
Where is it? Where is my passion potion?
"(Domina)" Where is everyone?
Senex? Pseudolus? Hysterium?
Where is my husband? On good intuition,
I believe he is fouling the nest.
And he has brought in the legions to help.
Who are all these people?
Madam, the hospitality of your house
is being enjoyed by Miles Gloriosus.
- "The" Gloriosus?
- The "The" himself.
He requested a rest
in your charming residence.
As a generals daughter,
I hoped you would not object.
Object? Pseudolus, you have acted well.
I must greet this captain at once.
Captain Gloriosus, I am shattered that
I was not here to greet you personally.
- You are of this house?
- For many, many years.
My father, you know, Captain,
was General Magnus.
On the last anniversary of his death,
I entertained over 200 officers.
200? By yourself?
Not entirely.
Hysterium here was a great help.
Oh, Hysterium, thoughtful as ever.
My mouth "is" dry after that dusty drive.
Mad... Oh...
After Ive bathed and changed this dusty
robe, I want you to ask the captain to...
Where did you say my husband was?
I, uh... Your hus...
He is... he is...
Well, at the moment he is, uh...
He is, uh... he is...
At least, when I last saw him he was.
I want to know
if my husband is in the house.
No, but he should be here soon. Madam,
might I suggest you take your bath now?
I shall send slaves with a fresh robe.
When he arrives,
keep him busy downstairs.
And tell the captain I shall be awaiting
him in the green room, after my bath.
- What do we do?
- Ill deal with the master.
You keep that hourglass from running out,
and Ill be grateful to you as long as I live.
If I live that long.
- All right, where is she?
- Who?
- The new maid.
- Oh, the maid? The very new maid?
Knock three times and shes yours.
- Ah! What about my passion potion?
- Start without.
- House of Lycus?
- Yes. What about it?
Acrobats for the orgy.
- That way.
- Thanks.
Back to the peeling.
Sorry, wrong maid.
Quickly, quickly.
We must find another room for you.
- My filly!
- My stallion!
- My wife.
- My husband.
My gods!
Youre late.
The others are waiting for you in there.
- Entertainers that way.
- I must see the captain. Very important.
- Entertainers that way!
- Captain...
Listen. Do you know
what happened to the last underling
who interrupted the captain
in mid-debauch?
- Entertainers this way.
- Yes.
- Where is Hero?
- Calm.
- How is the mistress?
- Calm.
What happened to the master?
Why is the virgin...?
Calm yourself! Calm!
Ill tell you when its time to panic!
- I smell mischief.
- Its time.
Someone has tampered with this.
- Bring me my bride.
- Shell be ready soon.
They are just anointing her with unguents
to make her ankle bangle dangle.
Meanwhile, for your
further entertainment...
Bring on the acrobats!
Ankle bangle dangle(!)
"(Pseudolus)" Watch there,
the Four Tumbling Tuscans.
Psst! Lycus!
That one is very good. He really makes
it look as though he landed on his head.
Would you like to see that man again?
That man again for the captain.
Captain, I have news. The...
Captain, please. I...
Captain, the virgin is... Captain, a word.
Louder music.
The captain wants louder music.
Im not happy in my work, Captain.
Have you ever seen a jester like this?
The remarks he makes!
- "(Miles)" Hes the best Ive ever seen.
- But his exit.
- Do the flying exit.
- What?!
- Didnt I tell you youd enjoy this?
- I did, yes.
You are a good fellow.
lts really going to pain me to kill you.
- Kill me?
- Indeed, Lycus.
- If she is not at my feet in two minutes.
- Could you make it five?
- Two.
- Two. Two minutes.
Philia! Phil... Philia!
- You go to the captain now, like it or not.
- But Ive been ready.
But Pseudolus said you refused to. Come.
"(Miles)" Bring me that girl
or youll all perish!
Thats not a happy captain.
- That voice. I know that voice.
- Of course you do. Thats your captain.
Thats not my captain. Thats the brute
who raped my country, Thrace.
He raped Thrace?
- Then he came and did it again and again.
- He raped Thrace thrice?
Im not going with him.
- Will you now go with Hero?
- Oh, yes, yes.
Go back to Heros room and wait there.
- Hell burn our house.
- Fear not. I have a plan.
I dont want to hear it.
- We tell the captain the virgin has died.
- I think I heard that.
- Well need a body. Anybodys body.
- Get one from Gusto the body snatcher.
He owes me a favour.
But he died yesterday.
- What about "his" body?
- Somebody snatched it.
- Who do we know thats dead?
- I wish I was.
Im a disgrace to my family.
My father will turn in his grave.
Your father is alive.
This will kill him.
Just lie down.
Itll be all over in one moment.
- Youre delicious.
- What if he tries to kiss me?
- He wont kiss you.
- How can he help it if Im so delicious?
Come back here.
Just lie still. Lie still.
The captain will see you, shudder,
and go on his way heartbroken.
Itll never work.
Look at me. Just look at me.
I cant take my eyes off you.
? Youre lovely
? Absolutely lovely
? Whod believe the loveliness of you?
- No!
- Get back here and lie down.
? Perfect
? Sweet and warm and winsome
? Radiant as in some dream come true
? Now Venus will seem tame
? Helen and her thousand ships
will have to die of shame
? Youre so lovely
? Frighteningly lovely
? That the world will never seem the same
? Im lovely
? Absolutely lovely
? Whod believe the loveliness of me?
"(whispers)" I would.
? "Perfect"
? "Sweet and warm and winsome"
? "Radiant as in some dream come true"
? Now...
- Shouldnt I have some jewellery?
- Jewellery? Well, I...
- Erroniuss gaggle.
- Ah!
? Im so lovely
"(Pseudolus)" ? "Literally lovely"
"(both)" ? "That the world"
will never seem the same
"(Pseudolus)" ? "Youre so lovely"
? That the world will never seem the same
Now I go get the pallbearers. Wait here.
- Ill never get away with it.
- You will. Its easy.
Just lie still and think dead thoughts.
The time is up!
Ransack the house!
Oh, woe. Oh, woe.
Oh, woe.
And Oh, woe again.
Ha! For the last time, where is my bride?
For the very last time, here is your bride.
Here on this appalling pall, dead.
Dead, permanently dead.
Dead, dead.
O monstrous fate!
My sweet innocent bride - dead.
Yes. Give her air!
- How did she die?
- She rolled over and...
No, no. How did it happen?
One glimpse of your grandeur from above,
the shock was too much.
Poor child, a virgin till the end.
A lot of good it did you.
- Spare me. I cannot control my tears.
- Go ahead. Its natures release.
Her bridal bower becomes
a burial bier of bitter bereavement.
Very good.
Can you say Titus the tailor told ten
tall tales to Titania the titmouse?
Do not try to cheer me.
I am inconsolable.
- Why torture yourself? Just go.
- Yes.
Yes. Poor girl - to have died so young
without ever having experienced me.
No. I cannot leave without giving her
the comfort of a proper funeral service.
Do you have time? Isnt there
a war you should be starting?
- Silence!
- Silence!
I insist on conducting a funeral.
Summon mourners.
Mourners. Mourners? Back.
Back, back, back.
- A funeral?
- A rapid requiem, a quick dirge.
- But any coins he puts on my eyes I keep.
- Done.
I certainly have been.
Gather firewood.
She shall be cremated.
(horse whinnies)
Uh... "(sniffs)"
Youre to take that immediately
up to the green bedroom.
- Son!
- Father!
My passion potion.
No! It...
Its not his potion.
Forgive me for ever
mistrusting you, my darling.
But you have been a little distant
these past 29 years.
I shall compose a funeral dirge.
Oh, do. A nice short one.
? Gather round, handmaidens of sorrow
? Sound the flute
? Blow the horn
? Pluck the lute
? Forward mourn
(women intone a dirge)
? Ah, ah
? All Crete was at her feet
? All Thrace was in her thrall
? All Sparta loved her sweetness
- ? And Gaul
- ? And Spain
- ? And Greece
- ? And Egypt
? - And Syria
? - And Mesopotamia
- Whats that?
- Its a funeral.
Oh. Somebodys dead, eh?
The captains maiden.
The captains maiden?!
- Shes dead.
- Yeah.
Then I shall kill myself.
Its against Roman law to take
ones own life. The penaltys death.
- Ill fight a gladiator, then.
- You might win.
I shall throw myself to the lions.
"(Miles)" ? Speak the spells
? Chant the chants
Toll the bells!
Fold the arms.
On behalf of the body,
Id like to thank you for a lovely funeral.
I dont know about you,
but Ive suffered enough.
So I suggest you depart,
and I shall take the body and...
- Second dirge.
- Second dirge!
Throw himself to the lions!
Then I too must die.
Todays the day of the human sacrifice
at the temple of the vestal virgins.
I shall go and offer myself to the gods.
- Hey, see that?
- Yes, but look at that!
Whats your hurry?
Would you lower your pike
to your captains plaything?
Captain? Ive had no instructions.
The captain sent for me especially.
Let me by, and... Ill redeem this in ways
that will melt every bolt in your armour.
- Is it real?
- Bite it and see.
And that goes for me, too.
(women intone a dirge)
? Strew the soil
? Strum the lyre
? Spread the oil
? Build the pyre
Pyre? What kind of pyre?
A pyre of fire.
Oh, a fire pyre.
- "(Miles)" She must be burnt.
- Burnt?
- I want her ashes.
- Ashes? Oh!
Captain! Captain.
Captain, I implore you.
It is not for us to destroy such loveliness.
The gods are awaiting her. They would
be angry if we sent up a smoked virgin.
- I cannot afford to offend the gods.
- Who can?
I will go my melancholy way.
Very good, sir.
Goodbye, sir.
A farewell kiss.
Of course.
Not you.
You mustnt. It could make you very sick.
She died of an illness contracted in Crete.
- What illness?
- "(whispers)" The plague.
- "(man)" The plague!
- Plague!
Run for your lives!
- Silence!
- Silence! Shh!
- There is no plague.
- What?
I have this day returned from Crete
and there is no plague.
Then what was everyone yelling about?
Find me the captain.
Dont stand there.
You, find me the captain.
Sir, I bring wonderful news.
The virgin does not have the plague.
Silence, woman. I know that.
She died of other causes.
Died? She was a bab... How...?
Poor little moth.
She fluttered too near my flame.
- Too filled with love, dear little heart.
- Heart.
Yes, thats it. I shall cut out her heart
and carry it with me for evermore.
- Shes alive!
- And will stay that way!
- Treachery! Treason! Seize her!
- Ill get her.
Seize everyone! Put the whole
neighbourhood to the sword!
Sir, a question. If I found your maiden,
would you spare my...
A moment.
If the maiden is not found,
I shall destroy not only this house,
but all surrounding houses
and every single person in them!
- And now, your question.
- It was just a silly girlish idea.
Ill find your maiden.
Ah! Now then, my beauty,
redeem your promise.
You wildcat,
youre beautiful when youre angry.
- Ruined! Ruined!
- We have to find Hero and Philia.
Oh, look! Do you see what she said?
What is it? And please dont tell me.
Philias sacrificing herself
and Heros throwing himself to the lions.
Come, Gymnasia.
Hie you to the temple for Philia.
Ill save Hero and meet you there!
The same thing happened 29 years ago.
I might just as well live in a temple.
Ill wager you never
got my nose sharpened.
I would like to know what it is you do
that makes you so tired. I noticed youre...
(lions roaring)
Here. Hey.
I wish to throw myself to the lions.
Where do I go?
- Pompeii?
- I beg your pardon?
No performance here today.
Gladiators are just training.
- Training?
- Training.
Come on, you miserable slave, move!
- Here you are, lot four.
- Straight in.
All right.
Move, you slaves. Move.
Oh, dear, come along. Keep moving.
Over there. Get in line. In line.
How are you? All right?
Had a good day?
Hero! Master Hero! Wait here.
Hey! Were closed to
members of the public.
That young man that went in,
I must see him.
Youll see him. They should be
bringing him out any minute.
- Now, the secret of the action...
- Hm?
The secret of the action is in the wrist.
You see, its got to flow.
Youre jerking.
No, no. You see, think of it
as an extension of your arm.
You tightened up, didnt you?
Youre worrying about it too much.
Try and just do a couple
without thinking about it, eh? Go on.
That even felt better, didnt it?
- Im always better in trainin.
- Yes.
Now, dont worry, dont worry. Just...
No, no. Relax, relax.
You see, he sort of... went...
Very strange. Right.
No. Wrist jerk again.
Oh, much better, yes.
Youve got a natural swing, you know.
(Pseudolus whistles)
Uh, please. Do you mind?
No. Thats a nasty, messy one.
That fellow whistling put you off.
Heres the last one.
Never mind. Lets see if we can put
this one straight into Neros box.
Uh, please, please.
Do you mind?
Still jerking the wrist.
Hero, Hero.
Philias alive. Shes at the temple of
virgins. Go, go now. Save her. Go. Go.
Give it!
Yah, yah. Yah!
Oh! Miles!
There they are!
And now a moment of silence before
our daughter starts her final voyage.
Psst! Philia!
Here, here.
Hero. My Hero.
"(priestess)" No mortal sounds
must interfere.
But I thought he was dead.
I must go to him. I love him.
- Yes. Now.
- "(priestess)" So be it.
Run along, child.
"(priestess)" Bring another victim
to the altar.
Come on!
Master Hero, wait!
Master Hero, wait!
My freedom! You promised!
Look, there they are.
Master Hero, wait!
Your parents. I promised!
Hero, wait! The captain. I promised!
Come on!
The most refreshing climate in the world.
Look out!
Come back!
Take that! And that! And that!
Get away!
Help. Help!
Jump. Jump!
Jump. Jump!
Hold me close.
It makes me feel so strong.
Personally, Im not quite ready
to make up yet. What?
"(Pseudolus)" You want her, you take her.
"(Hero)" Thats far enough! Look out!
Oh, Hero, help!
Im awfully sorry. Thank you.
"(soldier)" Oh, you breed of Eve!
Darling! Hit me again, darling.
No, no!
- Wait! Stop!
- "(goose honks)"
No, no! Dont whoa!
Right! Now back to Rome for a quick
wedding and some slow executions.
You, slave! You will torn apart
by a team of wild horses, slowly,
to the plaudits of my troops
and the amusement of the children.
But you, my dear, have nothing to fear.
For, though you fled from me,
I have the greatness to forgive.
I, too, can forgive.
No one can part us now.
Show me the swine who did that
and Ill break every bone in his body.
Third time around.
Pardon me, madam.
The gaggle! My precious.
My beautiful.
My sweet.
Why do older men find me so attractive?
The family ring.
My daughter.
- My virgin?
- I am not a virgin.
Those filthy pirates!
And I am not your daughter.
Im an Etruscan dancer.
- You are my virgin.
- My daughter.
- My virgin!
- My...
Ye gods! The eunuch.
- My daughter, a eunuch?
- Soldier, seize that man!
Captain, I can explain.
- This cant be she.
- What?
The leper. Unclean! Unclean!
I am no leper, and no woman.
I, sire, am Marcus Lycus. Hold.
Here. Here is your virgin.
And worth the waiting for.
I dont understand it.
The ring, the gaggle of geese.
What did you say, old man? I have worn
this ring since I was a foundling child.
- My son!
- Father!
Youve grown.
- Are these many geese a gaggle?
- How long have you had that?
Since... I dont know
when Ive had this since.
- My daughter!
- My sister.
- My courtesan.
- My maid.
- My brother-in-law.
- My Gymnasia.
Oh, no. No! That girl I still own.
One moment.
I take it your daughter was freeborn?
- Without a doubt.
- Lycus,
we all know the penalty
for selling a freeborn citizen.
Seize him.
Careful. Im a bleeder.
However, he has not only given me
a marvellous wedding present -
a wife, especially a silent one -
hes also promised me
10,000 minae as a dowry.
Such generosity
should not go unrewarded.
- Very well. Spare him.
- "(Senex)" Hero!
Father and Mother, I wish to marry.
Son, if youre as happy as your mother
and I have been... my heart bleeds for you.
? Lovers divided get coincided
? Something for everyone
? A comedy tonight
? Father and mother get one another
? Something for everyone
"(whispers)" ? A tragedy tonight
? I get the twins
? They get the best
I get a family.
I get a rest.
? We get a few girls
? Ill get some new girls
? I get the thing I want to be
? Free
? Free, free, free, free
? Nothing for kings
? Nothing for crowns
? Something for lovers, liars and clowns
? What is the moral?
Must be a moral
? Here is the moral, wrong or right
? Morals tomorrow
? Comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy,
comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy
? Comedy tonight