A Guide for the Married Man (1967) Movie Script

[Loud Thumping]
- Darling?
- As soon as I finish the chapter, honey.
How many more pages?
- About eight.
- Oh.
- Shall we leave it till tomorrow maybe, darling?
- Sure. Okay, honey.
- Night.
- Night.
What we need in the world today
Is a guide for the married man
Some simple thing that in every way
Would provide for the harried man
Help him not to worry
Assist him to relax
Help him slow his heart rate
And spare him cardiacs
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Such a guide would in many ways
Turn the tide for the married man
Enable husbands to fill their days
As only the married can
Every man would praise it
It's such a splendid plan
- [Horns Honking]
- Someday soon we shall point with pride
To the guide
For the married man
[Vocalizing Continues]
By the side of the married man
'Tis the lady who shares his life
You help the bride of the married man
By removing the husband's strife
Every wife who's truthful
Who treasures married bliss
Must keep her husband youthful
What better way than this
Each and every device we know
- Should be tried by the married man
- [Rattling]
And who can question the debt he'll owe
To the guide for the married man
It will list things universal
- From Pittsburgh to Japan
- [No Audible Dialogue]
And every man can be satisfied
By the guide
For the married man
The married man, the married man
[Horn Honking]
- Hi, Mr. Manning!
- Hiya, Charlie baby.
- Go get Debbie. Tell 'em we're waiting.
- Okay.
And hurry back out.
Hiya, Paul.
- Hi, Ed. Nice morning, isn't it?
- Beautiful.
- How's Ruth?
- Fine. Harriet?
Fine. Oh, that reminds me.
Look, if it should happen to come up,
I had lunch with you yesterday.
Yesterday? No, no, no.
That was Thursday.
- Yesterday, I had lunch with-
- With me, Paul. With me.
Oh. Yeah.
Who was she, Ed?
When I left the barbershop
a few days ago...
there was this lady traffic cop...
and she was writing me out
a parking ticket.
- Hi, Daddy! Hi, Daddy!
- Daddy! Hi!
But how did you know
she'd be willing?
After a while, you sort of begin
to develop a nose for it.
Yes, but at the beginning-
the first time, for instance.
How did you know
the first time?
- Instinct.
- Hey, Daddy! Daddy, look!
Well, what if you don't have instinct?
You have to sort of put out feelers.
You know, a little joke first.
- What?
- You have to sort of put out feelers.
- A-A little joke first, and then you-
- Joke?
- You can joke at a time like that?
- Why not?
I don't know. I just thought
you'd be too, uh, scar- too fri-
- Do you have to take her out first?
- [Debbie] Daddy.!
But what if someone recognizes your car
in front of the motel?
Let Hertz put you in the driver's seat.
Daddy.! Look at me.
- Hi, kids. Hi.
- Hi, hi.
- Do all married guys do it, Ed?
- No, no.
Maybe there comes a time
in every marriage...
when the guy considers it,
but not all of them give in to it.
Only about 43%.
Which I think is about to go up to 44.
Huh? No, not me.
Never. Never in a hundred years.
Never in a thousand years.
Never in a... million years.
A million.
Why, Ed? Why?
Why does a guy do it?
I can understand it if he doesn't like his wife
or he isn't happy at home.
But why if he loves his wife, if he's crazy
about her and he's glad he's married to her...
and he never wants
to be married to anyone else?
- Why, Ed? Why?
- Lots of reasons.
A manifestation of latent insecurity.
Can't get better meat than that.
But you know something?
You'd get awfully tired of it...
if you didn't have some fish
once in a while.
Because she's there.
- Is that why you do it?
- No, no, no, no.
Remember how it used to be with a girl
when you first met her?
- Heart leaping with joy.
- Yeah.
A song on your lips.
[No Audible Dialogue]
- I wanted to feel that again.
- Yeah. Feel that.
- I knew I was right when I heard
what happened to this guy. - Uh-huh?
[Ed Narrating]
Married 14 years...
14 of the cleanest years you ever saw.
Never so much as looked at another girl,
never mind the other thing.
And then-
- No.
- Yeah. Right in front of his wife and everything.
- Boy, oh, boy.
- I wouldn't wanna do that to Harriet.
And I'll tell you
a very interesting thing.
- It helped my marriage.
- Really?
Uh-huh. Every once in a while,
I used to resent Harriet-
like it was her fault
I was missing out on all the others.
Now I haven't resented her
for six and a half years.
No kidding?
- Right in front of his wife and everything, eh?
- Yeah.
Boy, I'd sure hate for me to do something
like that in front of Ruth and everything.
- Paul?
- Hmm?
- Are you trying to tell me something?
- No, no.
It's just that... I was thinking-
Well, if it would keep a guy from doing
something like that in front of his wife-
- Maybe I'm just not-
- Beer! Popcorn! Peanuts! Cold drinks!
- Two beers, lady.
- I'll have two beers too, lady.
- Thank you, sweetheart.
- My pleasure.
Harriet says we'll be eating
in about an hour.
Right smack in front of her, huh?
And it's clear to the naked eye...
that you're gonna take the plunge
any day now.
- I am?
- There's no doubt about it.
I was the same way before I began.
- [Knocking] Hey, fellas.
- Come in, Harriet.
Them as wants their hamburgers
rare or medium rare better shake a leg.
- We'll be right out.
- Yeah.
Believe me, kid.
You're primed, ready and willing.
Yeah. I'm afraid maybe I am.
- Well, what about Ruth?
- Ruth who?
- Ruth, your wife.
- No, no, no. You don't understand.
- That's not who I- Oh.
- That's right. Oh.
Never a second thought to
maybe she'll find out and cry and everything.
- But, Ed, you do it all the time.
- So?
So, aren't you afraid
you'll make Harriet cry and everything?
No. Because I had enough
sense of decency.
I loved Harriet enough to wait
until I learned how to do it well.
That's why I want you
to promise me something-
that you'll hold off
until I can give you a few pointers...
before getting
into the old ball game.
Okay, Ed. You're the coach.
Will you look at that?
The poor kid.
Baby, your eyes must be killing you.
- Here. Here, let me do that.
- Thank you, darling.
What a mess. Women shouldn't
be allowed near these things.
There's so much to know.
So much to know.
Where to take her, how to choose her,
what to do if a man answers.
- Hang up?
- Wrong.
Ask to speak to Jack
and then say you got a wrong number?
- What if his name happens to be Jack?
- Oh.
See? Already you're in trouble.
What do you do if a man answers?
You put your hand over the mouthpiece
so he doesn't hear you breathing.
Then he'll think there's something wrong
with the connection...
- and hang up.
- Yeah.
[Ed] Then, of course, you've got to get out
of the house at night...
- without arousing suspicion.
- [Paul] You do, don't you?
Unless you're unemployed
and have your afternoons free.
Oh. Well, I could say
that I was at the office working late.
And what happens
if Ruth should phone you there...
and find you're not there working late?
- Oh.
- Which brings us to basic principle number one.
Never, never say you'll be...
where you can be found not to be.
Yes. I can see that.
Boy, oh, boy. It gets
pretty complicated, doesn't it?
Protecting your loved ones
is never easy, kid.
Yes. Then how do you get out of the house
at night without arousing suspicion?
Well, it depends upon
the kind of wife you've got.
This guy I knew,
he invented a brilliant gambit.
He used what he called
the "bust-up scene. "
- He'd provoke a fight.
- [Door Closes]
- Joe?
- Yeah?
- Hi, baby.
- Hi, honey.
- How are the kids?
- Fine.
- Good. What's for dinner?
- Chicken.
Chicken? We just had that
two days ago.
No. That was last Thursday
we had chicken.
- Are you callin' me a liar?
- No, honey. I just-
A man kills himself workin'
for his wife and family all day long.
What does he get when he gets home?
Chicken and insults.
- Honey.
- It's not bad enough we have chicken every day-
We do not have chicken every day.
Why don't you learn how to cook
somethin' else for a change?
I do! Yesterday,
we had pot roast.
- That was pot roast, huh?
- Yeah!
Tasted more like the pot
than the roast.
- Are you complaining about my cooking?
- Yes.
Well, if you don't like it,
why don't you go someplace else?
- All right! I will!
- All right! Go ahead!
- Aw, quiet!
- [Shouts]
- Hello?
- Baby. Baby, I'm sorry.
- Well, you ought to be.
- Yeah, yeah. I feel terrible, baby.
- I don't know why you put up with me.
- Neither do I.
- Did you eat?
- Yeah. I caught a hamburger in some joint.
Then I sort of just drove around.
- I feel terrible, honey.
- Well...
maybe we do have chicken
a little too often.
No, no. Honey-
Honey, it's not that.
It's just this crazy temper of mine.
I don't know why
I keep takin' it out on you.
Well, maybe that's what a wife is for.
- Oh, no. Honey, I love your chicken.
- Really, honey?
But most of all, I love you, honey.
I love you, honey.
See ya tonight, baby.
[Kissing Noise]
[Kissing Noise]
[Ed] Did you notice his use
of the continuous-action verb-
"keep on taking it out on you"?
Thereby setting it up for next time.
[Paul, Chuckling] Yes.
It's a pretty elaborate way of doing it, isn't it?
Yeah. Thereby proving
how deeply he cares for his wife.
- [Door Slams]
- Hello, darling.
- Hello, honey.
- [Kissing Noise]
- What's for dinner?
- Vichyssoise, casserole cassoulet...
mousse la russe
and Irish coffee.
- Well, that sounds expensive.
- Expensive?
A couple of potatoes, three-quarters
of a pound of sausage, four eggs.
[Stammers] What-What kind of food
is that to give to a child?
Deborah? She's already eaten.
Cauliflower, creamed spinach
and lamb chops.
That's the trouble with Ruth.
She's such a wonderful wife.
Look, Paul, if you care enough
for your wife...
you can always find something about her
that you can't stand.
- [Door Slams]
- Oh. Hi, darling.
What are you so cheerful about?
Did it ever occur to you
that I may not be feeling cheerful?
No. You're much too selfish for that.
Always thinking only of yourself!
Well, if you think I'm just gonna
stick around here watching you be cheerful...
you're sadly mistaken.
And I'm gonna come back
when I'm good and rea-
[Muffled Cry]
Oh, I'm sorry. Honey, I'm terr-
terribly... sorry.
[Ed] After the bust-up scene,
okay, flowers.
But if you didn't even do it.
Maybe I'm just not cut out
for the whole thing.
I mean, it's just that she's so sensitive.
Thank you.
Sure. I understand, kid.
Harriet's the same way.
If she weren't, would I make all those sacrifices
to keep her from finding out?
Yeah. I suppose so.
What would make a sensitive woman
like Ruth fight back?
Well, I know what bugs Harriet-
when I act like
I'm the lord of the manor...
and she's a lowly peasant like-
Once I complained that some men have a drink
waiting for them when they get home.
Boy, did she give it to me.
"Yes, Your Royal Highness.
"At your service, Your Majesty.
Your slightest wish
is my command, O big shot. "
Hi, darling. Darling!
- What happened?
- Uh!
- Are you all right?
- It's all right. I hurt my back a bit.
- Nothing serious.
- Oh, your back?
- Listen, Ruth. Some men-
- Oh, you poor dear. Shall I call the doctor?
- No. Now, listen to me. Will you listen to me?
- Maybe some heating pads.
- Some men, when they come home at night-
- I've got a better idea.
- A steam bath. It'll soothe-
- A steam bath- Steam bath?
- Uh-huh.
- Where you stay over all night?
- Yes.
- For men only?
- Naturally.
- [Groans]
- [Whimpering]
- Oh.
- [Moans]
- Oh, darling.
[Mouthing Words]
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
I think you've got big things
ahead of you, kid.
Thanks, Ed.
I hated lying to her though.
I know, but you gotta keep remembering
it's for her own good.
Yes. That's true. I keep telling myself.
- Sure. It's the least we can do for them.
- [Door Opens]
Mr. Manning.
Mr. Fordyce called.
He wants to know whether it's right
to liquidate the Muriett Valley holdings.
No, no. No, no.
Tell him, um...
considering the prepaid interest factor...
there's a distinct tax benefit...
in waiting until the next...
fiscal period.
No, no. Tell him
I'll "fall" him- uh, call him.
Yes, sir.
- No, Paul.
- Huh?
- Uh.
- Oh. Why not?
You're not ready yet, kid.
And about the steam bath, kid...
there's one little improvement you can make,
if you don't mind my saying so.
- No, no. Go right ahead.
- Tell Ruth that you're switching to a Finnish sauna.
- A Finnish sauna?
- Yeah, where they hit you with tree branches...
while you're sweating it out.
- Why is that better?
- Well, you never know.
Someday, you may find yourself with a friend
who gets sort of carried away.
The tree branches would explain the scratches
on your back. [Chuckles]
- Oh.
- [Door Closes]
- A bottle of Old Ironsides, please. Giant, economy size.
- Yes, sir.
- Aftershave lotion-worth its weight in gold.
- Really? Why?
It's not very likely
that your wife and your friend...
use the same kind of perfume, is it?
Which can result in complications.
[Tapping On Window]
727 Seabury.
W- Wait. Wait. Stop.
Hold everything.
- [Tires Squeal]
- [Horns Honking]
Didn't you ever see a man
lose anything before? Get going.
- Hi, sweet.
- Oh, hello, dear.
- [Loud Kiss]
- How was the P.T.A. meeting?
- Oh, dull. Dull, as usual.
- [Clicks Tongue] Yes.
Thank you for volunteering to go alone.
Why should both of us be bored?
Certainly knocks you out though.
I think I'll hit the hay.
Well, you deserve it, dear.
Good night, dear.
Good night, sweet.
That's when I realized
some defensive measure had to be taken.
I tried dozens of them
before I found Old Ironsides.
Really? What do you think
makes it so special?
- Here. Smell it.
- [Sniffing] Wow.
The most powerful aftershave lotion
on the market.
A few drops of this, and you "outsmell"
any woman's perfume ever invented.
- No kidding?
- Yeah.
- Hey. There's Irma Johnson.
- Who?
- Irma Johnson. My neighbor.
- Where?
Come on.
[Ed] What big eyes you have, Grandma.
Huh? Yeah. Yeah.
I have very big eyes.
Your memory isn't bad either.
Yeah, well, I, uh-
- Hi.
- Hi.
- How nice to see you.
- Really?
- It's nice to be seen.
- [Both Laughing]
- Irma Johnson, my neighbor, I'd
like you to meet, uh- - Ed Stander.
- Nice to meet you, Mrs. Johnson.
- Nice meeting you too.
We were just on our way to lunch
when I happened to recognize you.
From behind?
- Well, I have very big eyes.
- [Laughs]
And deliciously long eyelashes
to go with them.
- Really?
- Uh-huh.
Well, it was lovely
running into you two.
- Seriously?
- Yes.
- Uh, nice meeting you too, Mr. Stander.
- Likewise.
- [Chuckles] Uh, toodle-oo.
- Toodle.
Oh, boy.
- What's the matter?
- What's the matter?
You might as well be wearing a neon sign
announcing your intentions.
- I'm sorry, Ed.
- It's those little things that count, kid.
They're the difference between
a happy and an unhappy marriage.
Yeah. I'll watch 'em, Ed.
Listen, can I get Old Ironsides in any drugstore?
Oh, Paul, Paul. Baby, baby.
- But you said that I ought to buy it.
- Sure.
But we mustn't forget about Ruth,
must we?
- Ruth who?
- Ruth, your wife.
- Oh.
- What do you think she's gonna think?
Think? Just because I change
my aftershave lotion?
- Is that all you've done, Paul?
- Yeah, sure.
- Yeah? Uh? Uh?
- Oh, you mean the back bit.
Aw, come on, Ed.
Being careful is one thing, but this?
She'd have to be clairvoyant
to connect the two.
If she has to, she will.
Now, Ed, you're being too careful.
Too careful, huh?
There was this guy.
He was a big movie star.
Have a nice day, darling.
- There he is!
- [All Screaming]
- Morning, Maddock.
- [All Chattering]
There you are, girls.
That's it for today, girls.
Be good to your mothers.
[Girls Screaming]
Hiya, Rance.
Good morning, Rance.
Aw, you look great, Rance.
Did you sleep well, Rance?
Can I do anything for you?
Oh, that's a new kid
the studio just put under contract.
Can I get you anything?
[All Chattering]
[Overlapping Hellos]
Hiya, Bill!
How have you been?
Hiya, Rance!
Good seein' ya.
Oh, by the way, Rance, I'd like you
to meet a little friend of mine.
Rance, this is Miss Stardust.
Miss Stardust, Rance.
- Pleased to meet you, Miss Stardust.
- Likewise, Your Stardom.
Rance, why don't you sit down
and join us for a minute?
Okay, but, uh, just for a moment.
How's Mrs. G., Rance?
Wonderful little lady.
You're a lucky guy to have
a little lady like that.
Loudmouth here tell you
how you can become a star?
- You're the first one to know it, too, aren't you?
- Okay? Good.
- [Bill Continues, Indistinct]
- A big star like myself has to be very careful.
So here's how we're gonna do it.
- Flight 193 to Honolulu.
- Flight 8 to New York.
[Speaking Foreign Language]
[Tires Squealing]
[Pig Squealing]
[Pipe Breaking]
[Men Chattering In Italian]
[Chattering Continues]
[Ed] And it's now costing him
$3,000 a week...
not to mention the house,
car, insurance policies.
- Boy, oh, boy.
- Yeah. So repeat after me.
- There is no such thing...
- There is no such thing...
- as too careful.
- as too careful.
- Good boy.
- Maybe I ought to switch to Old Ironsides.
- Thank you.
- Yep.
Maybe if you bought it for me...
you know, sort of as a birthday present.
Yeah, that would be better, but-
Think how much still better it would be...
- if Ruth herself were to get it for you.
- Ruth who?
- Ruth, your wife.
- Oh.
- [Laughing]
- [TV: Novelty Music, Canned Laughter]
[TV Continues]
Good-bye, Deborah.
Mommy, Mommy.!
Daddy smells.!
Well, it's really not nice to say that
about somebody, even a daddy.
It might hurt their feelings.
- May I help you, madam?
- Yes.
What is the most powerful
aftershave lotion you have?
[Jazzy, Faint]
I took one look at that babysitter,
and I thought to myself...
"Thank goodness my son's
only eight months old. "
[Guests Chattering]
My babysitter calls me the day before
and tells me what to put in the refrigerator.
- [Knocking]
- That's Ed.
- [Woman] Hi, Harriet. Hi, Ed.
- Hi.
- Hi, Ed.
- How are you, Paul?
Boy, oh, boy.
Did I feel like an awful heel.
If she knew, she'd thank you.
[Humming, Vocalizing]
Don't worry, girls. The fellas promise
to let their wives drive home.
- [All Laughing]
- But who's going to drive the wives home?
Two drinks, and Freddie thinks
he's Batman.
Luckily, we don't have far to go.
Who's the water and scotch?
Who's the scotch and water?
...with his secretary for years.
Secretary. Huh! My three-year-old son
can type better than her.
- But he's not built like her.
- How can a woman be so blind?
And any guy who doesn't let her know
he's married right off the bat...
is just looking for trouble.
I don't know, Ed.
You lose an awful lot of them that way.
Better to lose one or two
than face something like this.
Oscar J. Schwartzcoff-
2798 Coldhaven Road-
is a dirty, double-crossing fink!
Oscar J. Schwartzcoff-
2798 Coldhaven Road-
is a dirty, double-crossing fink!
- [Laughing]
... which has been known to happen.
I'd kill mine if I even thought
he was doing it.
- Not me.
- You wouldn't?
No. As long as I didn't know,
I wouldn't care.
- What would you do if you did know?
- Pretend I didn't.
No. You're wrong, Ed. You take 'em
to the most popular place in town.
Where you're pretty sure to get seen
by some bigmouth...
who knows you and your wife.
Maybe, but even if it does get back to your wife,
you can always counter with...
"Would you have taken her to a place
where you were sure to be seen...
- if it weren't absolutely innocent?"
- Yes, but-
Yes, and your way-with the hideaway-
you get seen...
and it's prima facie evidence against you.
Granted, but my way fixes it...
so that it can't possibly get back
to your wife.
Why? What guarantee have you got...
that you won't get seen
in your crummy little hideaway?
None. Except that, if you are seen
by someone in the hideaway...
it's obviously someone else who's hiding away,
and who's he to talk?
Because then he's got to explain
what he was doing there himself.
And at 78, you'd think
they'd be finished with that sort of thing.
As long as there's breath in their bodies...
they're never finished
with that sort of thing.
...basically not monogamous.
Yeah. I suppose that's
as good a reason as any.
...but when a man is 40,
he can still get a 20-year-old tootsie.
...this 20-year-old chick- - A woman
would have to be in love first, but men-
Yeah, but, fellas,
is the whole thing worth it-
risking your marriage,
your home, your family?
That's exactly what I say.
It's not worth it.
Sometimes I wish I felt that way...
and then I see a perky little thing,
and I get- Ooh.
- But why? Why do they do it?
- Oh, lots of reasons.
Because he thinks
he's God's gift to women.
- Because his wife didn't understand him.
- [Baby Crying]
The lucky girl.
Because he was a louse.
- [Background: Up Tempo]
- Isn't it funny how we happen to leave the house...
at the same time every morning?
Maybe it's fate, doll.
- If it is, it's a fate better than death.
- [Both Chuckling]
- You are a devil, aren't you?
- Really?
A big-eyed, long-lashed devil.
- Seriously?
- Uh-huh.
- Do you believe in flaunting fate, Mr. Devil?
- Well, I, uh-
- I don't.
- Me neither.
Then maybe you can give me a lift
some morning.
- I can?
- Why not?
I could certainly use a lift
some mornings.
Yes. Who couldn't?
Big fella.
Who was the sexiest lady there tonight?
- You, dear.
- Really?
- Yeah, sure.
- [Titters]
Did you like the way I looked?
[Muffled] Yeah, great.
- How about my hair?
- How about it?
- Do you like it this way?
- Yeah, great.
How am I wearing it?
Uh, up-up there somewhere.
That's close.
And what was I wearing tonight?
- Wearing?
- Uh-huh.
Well, um, three-piece suit.
Uh, silver-lam jacket
with long sleeves.
Under that,
a sleeveless-shell blouse...
with black striped bands
at the neck and waist.
Rhinestone earrings
and black velvet headband.
Silver handbag.
Silver shoes with matching bows...
and fashionable heels
with sling straps.
And straight, hip-hugging skirt.
Here you are, baby.
- Pussycat.
- Yeah?
If you had your choice
among all the girls at the party tonight-
You. Of course.
- And so would Harry Johnson.
- Oh, Ed.
No. I know the type.
Somebody else's grass is always greener.
- Really?
- Yeah.
That's why I want you
to be a little standoffish.
You know, civil but with a touch of
you can't stand him.
All right, darling,
but I can't really believe he's like that.
Well, I don't trust him one inch.
It doesn't matter about him, pussycat.
- As long as you and I trust each other.
- Yeah.
Darling, what were you men talking
so heatedly about tonight?
Oh, baseball, the stock market.
You know.
What were you girls talking about?
Oh, kids, new styles.
You know.
Yeah. Good party, wasn't it?
Darling, who did you think was
the most attractive woman there tonight?
- No. I mean it.
- So do I.
Okay. After me.
- Janet Brody.
- Really?
Then how come you were dancing
with Irma Johnson all night?
- Who?
- Irma Johnson.
It wasn't all night.
And as the host-
I really don't blame you, darling.
She's very attractive,
even if a bit obvious.
- Who?
- Irma.
- [Piano: Lounge]
- And I thought I wiped the floor with Harry Johnson last night.
Didn't you? About the hideaway
versus the popular place, I mean.
Yes, yes. I suppose so.
Yeah. Of course,
he's still fairly new at it, but-
Is something bothering you, kid?
No, no. It's just-
- I can't do it, Ed. I just couldn't.
- Oh.
Every time I think of Ruth-
how sweet she is, how trusting-
I- No. No. Forget it.
- Let's just forget the whole thing.
- Sure. Sure.
I mean, you know-
I just can't do it.
- I'm sorry, Ed.
- Sure, I understand, kid.
Look, if that's the way you feel about it,
more power to you.
Um, you'll need it.
[Women Chattering, Laughing]
Uh, excuse me a moment.
[All Chattering]
Over there. Look.
[Chattering Continues]
- [Whispering, Indistinct]
- Yes, I do.
I know.
Oh, that- Oh!
No, uh-
- How do you know where they are?
- Where what are?
- The hideaways.
- Oh.
You go hunting for them.
When? I'm at work by 9:00
and home at 6:00.
- So?
- So, when can I-
Oh, yeah.
[Door Closes]
[Up Tempo]
[Sirens Approaching]
[Go-go, Loud]
[No Audible Dialogue
Within Scene]
[Paul] Not only did I see him,
but so did everyone else in the place.
Terrible. Just terrible.
A guy like that should be prohibited by law
from swinging.
Where'd he go wrong, Ed?
Three places. First of all, he should
never have been in a place that well lit.
Secondly, he should have been
in a corner booth with his back to the room.
And thirdly, he owed it to his wife
not to show the white feather.
But, Ed, he knew
he was in danger of being seen.
That's when you separate
the considerate husbands...
from the inconsiderate ones.
Why? What would
a considerate husband have done?
I'll tell you.
[Fingers Snapping]
[No Audible Dialogue
Within Scene]
[Ed] You see, that way, there's something
clean and wholesome about it.
- Yeah. There's something else that's been bothering me, Ed.
- Yeah? What?
Well, the way some of you talk so freely,
like last night.
Aren't you afraid that someone will,
you know?
- No, of course not.
- Why?
The code, Paul.
The code.
- The what?
- The code.
"Thou shalt not snitch
on thy fellow man. "
- Oh. Can you depend on it?
- Like a suit of armor, kid.
In all my years in the game,
I never heard of anyone violating it.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- With two exceptions- your
wife's worst enemy... - Yeah?
- and her best friend.
- Oh.
No. I'm sorry.
One more exception.
Your enemy-
someone who's out to get you.
I see. Well,
what do you do about him?
Well, firstly, of course,
you try to keep him from knowing.
- But sometimes you can't.
- So?
In that case,
you try to get the same thing on him.
But what if he doesn't, uh, indulge?
- Misdirection.
- Misdirection?
Yeah. Like, for instance,
these two guys I knew.
One of them sold the other
a house full of termites.
Boy, was the other guy
out to get even.
The gates of paradise.
[Laughing] Move it, baby!
Move it! And-
Oh. The termite buyer.
Think. Think.
Irving! Good to see ya!
- I'll bet.
- Yeah.
Poor kid. She thinks her husband
is shacked up in there with some broad.
- Asked me to come along as a witness.
- I'll bet.
I figure it's the least I can do for the kid.
My secretary. Works for me.
Been with me for years.
Is that right, Miss- uh, Mrs. Crenshaw?
Yeah, sure, babe-
Uh, Mr., uh-
- I'll bet.
- Yeah.
- Well, I figure it's the least I can do for the kid.
- I'll bet.
Yeah. I-
- You're just the fella.
- [Coughs] Huh? For what?
Maybe you could help the kid out.
What for?
You're doin' pretty good for her.
Oh, for heaven sakes, Irving.
- She's my secretary. Been with me for years.
- I'll bet.
Yeah. So, I figure my testimony in court
might seem prejudiced.
But coming from you, a perfect stranger,
they'd have to believe you.
You mean you want me
to break in on 'em with you?
Would you, Irv,
as a personal favor to me?
- Sure.
- Gee, thanks, kid. Come on.
[Muttering] Come on!
Believe me, Irving.
I really appreciate this.
- Take a good look so you can make a positive identification later.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Seen enough, Irv?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Let's go!
- Just a minute!
You people should be ashamed.
- As you were.
- [Together] You said that he didn't-
Shocking. Shocking.
Thanks, Irv.
We'll get in touch with you
when we need you.
Come, Mrs. Crenshaw.
My lawyer's chambers are just around the corner.
So, you see, it's a matter
of keeping your wits about you at all times.
Yeah, but what about
that poor man and woman?
- Yeah. Really ruined their afternoon.
- I'll bet.
Yes, sir, you've got to admit it.
There's a man who proved
how much he really cares for his wife.
You never know
what you may suddenly need.
Yeah. I see what you mean.
Could use a bit more practice...
but not at all bad.
- Thanks, Ed.
- Yeah. Not at all bad.
- As a matter of fact, kid, you know what?
- What?
I think you're ready for a trial run.
[Door Closes]
Now, remember, from now on...
- we simulate actual battle conditions.
- Roger.
- And it's all your show.
- Wilco.
Right. Now, what's your first move?
The hideaway I finally dug up.
[No Audible Dialogue]
[Continues, Muted]
Onward and upward.
[Door Opens, Closes]
[Man On TV]... and adheres
to the television Code of Fair Practice.
- We are now signing off the air, and-
- [Clicks Off TV]
[Alarm Buzzing]
[Buzzing Stops]
- [Exhales]
- Good morning, Ed. What time is it?
- [Coughs]
- 8:10.
[Grunts, Coughs]
Nothing? Absolutely nothing?
Not an inkling of suspicion.
Not an iota of an inkling.
Not an iota of an iota of an inkling.
- Kid, I think you're ready.
- Really?
- Really.
- Oh, boy.
Which brings us to the hardest part-
the who.
Excuse me. Mr. Manning...
would it be all right
if I go out to lunch now?
- Yes, of course.
- Thank you.
- Uh, Miss Harris?
- Yes?
- Uh, are you married, Miss Harris?
- No.
- Would you like to be?
- Boy, would I.
Yes. Thank you, Miss Harris.
- There's your answer.
- Huh?
Remember, I once told you you could count
on the code 100% with certain exceptions?
- Yes.
- That's the worst one- the single girl.
- You mean she'd tell?
- Like a shot!
Why? What has she got to gain?
The husband of the wife she tells.
Oh, no. No, she would never
do a thing like that.
No. Not directly,
but one way or another.
Y- You know Clara Brown, don't you?
- The one whose divorce case you're handling?
- Yeah.
Anyway, one night
she caught her husband.
And so, here I am.
Well, what made you first suspect...
that your husband was having an affair
with his secretary?
Well, on this particular day...
my husband told me he was going
to be working late...
and for me not to wait up for him.
Of course I didn't think
anything special about it.
He worked late quite often.
At about 11:30, I went to bed.
- Hello.
- [Woman] Sorry. Wrong number.
[Line Clicks]
[Clara Narrating]
Wrong number, my foot.
Whoever it was obviously wanted me
up and awake at that particular moment.
[Lock Rattling]
[Door Opens]
You mean, as soon as you had
that wrong-number phone call, you knew?
- That was terribly bright of you, wasn't it?
- No. Not really.
You see, that's how I got him
away from his first wife.
You mean, one should stay away
from single girls?
Well, until one is a little
more experienced anyway.
As a beginner, one is better off
sticking to the first principle.
- First principle?
- Yeah. Never have an affair with someone...
who doesn't have
as much to lose as you.
[Door Closes]
[Paul] A married woman has
as much to lose, doesn't she?
Especially if she has children.
- She has three.
- Well, that's a plus in her favor.
- [Woman] Sorry, darling.
- Soup's on!
Come and get it!
- [Man] Hey, let's go.
- [Ruth] Yea! Come on!
Oh, it's about time.
That's why I dropped that last pass:
- That's right. Women and children last.
- Mustard or ketchup, darling?
Don't bother.
I'll take care of him.
- [Harry] Good, good.
- [Man] Got any onions?
- [Woman] Ooh, give me some.
- A penny for your thoughts?
- His or mine?
- Yours.
- And a dollar for yours.
- [Chuckles]
- You better take another.
- [Paul Chuckling]
You never know when you're going to need
all your strength.
- [Chuckles]
- [Paul, Laughing] Ah.
- There's only one trouble.
- Trouble?
- Come here. Double jeopardy.
- Double jeopardy?
With a married woman, you not only
have to guard against your wife finding out...
but her husband as well.
You see, she's preferable
to the single girl, of course...
but your first time out-
Well, you know how fond I am of Ruth.
I'd like you to break in
the safest possible way.
Yes, I see.
- Oh, honey?
- Yes?
- Is there an onion in that?
- Uh-huh.
Honey, you know
it doesn't agree with you.
Thank you, darling.
[Kissing Noise]
[Kissing Noise]
What is the safest possible way?
A divorce who's getting
more in alimony than you get in salary.
You see, if she marries you,
then her alimony stops...
and she has to lower
her standard of living.
Then she's really got
something to lose.
I see.
But where do you find
such a person?
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Please.
- Thank you.
Now then, what can I do for you?
Well, I've just been divorced...
and I get a very large sum of money
from my ex-husband every month...
and I was hoping your firm
would manage it for me.
We... would be delighted to.
Now, if you would care
to give me some details-
Wouldn't it be cozy
if we discussed it over lunch?
Yes. Yes, that's exactly
what I was thinking.
- Aren't you clever? [Laughs]
- Uh, well...
we aim to please.
- I'm sure you will.
- Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Charming as well.
I think I'm going to adore
being managed by you.
Shall we then, Mrs. Montgomery?
- Jocelyn.
- Oh.
May you call me Paul?
I'd love to, Paul.
- Ed? Ed.
- Paul?
- Ed.
- Over here.
I got her, Ed- a divorce
with a big alimony.
- Really? Bully for you!
- How long do I have to wait before I can ask her?
How long?
Because if I can do it soon-
Ruth is going away for a few days
with the baby to see her mother...
and I can take Jocelyn-
That's her name, Jocelyn-
- to the house instead of to a motel.
- What?
- To the house instead of to a motel.
- Bite your tongue.
- Huh? What? What's the matter?
- [Scoffs]
After all I taught you, Paul...
- how can you let me down like that?
- Why? What did I-
Oh, no. No, Ed.
She hides in the backseat of the car,
under the lap robe.
I drive it into the garage. Then we go
into the house through the connecting door.
- Nobody would ever see her.
- I don't care if you could dematerialize her...
and then rematerialize her
inside the house.
You never use your place.
- But, Ed-
- Never, I said!
- I can tell you that Harold wishes he'd listened to me.
- Harold?
Yeah. His wife and kid were away too.
So he figured,
why not save the price of a motel room?
[Both Laughing]
Ah, ha-ha!
- What you looking for, sweetie?
- My bra.
Ah, ha-ha-ha.
- Can't you find it?
- Uh-uh.
Are you sure
you were wearing one?
What kind of a girl do you think I am?
Of course I was!
[Chuckles] Just a minute.
Let's do this scientifically, eh?
- Huh?
- Catch hold. Are you there? Huh?
- No bra? Hmm?
- Oh!
No. Not there.
[Both Chuckling]
Ah, yeah. Here, huh?
All right. Here we go.
J- J-J-J-Just a minute.
- Are you sure you were wearing one?
- Well, of course!
- Don't you remember, tiger?
- [Chuckles]
Ah. [Snaps Fingers]
Perhaps in the heat of battle, eh?
Hmm. I say!
- It's getting light.
- Maybe I better go without it.
What? Are you crazy?
It's all right, tiger.
I've got another one at home.
That is not what's worrying me.
What is worrying me...
is my wife coming home and finding it.
She'll just think it's hers.
Don't be ridiculous.
Excuse me.
[Grunting Continues]
- We weren't anywhere near it, tiger.
- I know we weren't.
And stop calling me tiger!
And he never did find it...
but he knows it's in there somewhere...
and it's only a matter of time
till his wife comes across it.
Boy, that must be murder on the nerves!
Murder? [Chuckles] Harold.
- Yeah?
- I want you to meet a friend of mine.
Paul, this is Harold.
- Harold.
- Yeah?
This is Paul.
- Glad to meet you, Harold.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- [Sighs]
- How long ago did all this happen?
About three weeks ago. Why?
I had the impression he was a much
younger man. You know, "tiger" and everything.
- How old would you say he is?
- I don't know. Seventy? Seventy-two?
- Thirty-nine.
- No kidding!
Still think you want to take her
to your place?
No, no. No. Thanks, Ed.
Boy, I don't know-
I don't know what I'd do without you.
Well, you know how I feel about Ruth.
Yes, I'm sure she'd appreciate it too.
[No Audible Dialogue
Within Montage]
Tonight's the night, eh, kid?
Hmm? Oh, yes. Yes, it is.
- Relax. You're gonna be fine.
- Yes.
- Uh, just a couple of points.
- Yes?
- There's gonna come a time when you want out.
- Yes, I will. I will.
- You know, that's a very tricky moment. Very tricky.
- Yes.
You see, if you break it off,
she gets sore-
- the "woman scorned" bit, than which hell hath no greater fury.
- Yes.
You've got to work it
so that the idea to break it off is hers...
she thinks.
[Lock Clicks]
Is that you, sweet lips?
- Yes.
- Oh.!
Mmm! Oh! Ooh!
Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Uh, honey.
Honey, wait a minute.
Honey, would you mind
taking it just a little bit easier, baby?
Sweet lips is tired
after his hard day's work, isn't he?
- No, no. It's not that. It's just that, uh-
- Just what, sweet lips?
Well, I- I saw my accountant today,
and he said-
Oh, but why should I bother
your pretty little head with a thing like that?
Oh, honey? What do you think
we could get for this...
from a secondhand shop?
I don't know.
Two or three dollars maybe?
Sweet lips, is anything the matter?
No. Look, it- Please,
don't give it a second thought.
Nothing-Just because
my accountant said...
that the tax department
made a big fuss about the-
Hey, this- this ought to bring
a nice few dollars.
Ollie! That's my graduation present!
- Well, honey, we won't need it anymore.
- We won't?
No. You see, the bed won't fit
into the new apartment.
- New apartment?
- Yes. It's smaller than this one, of course...
but I think we can fit in
a couple of army cots.
You'll love the view
from the eighth floor...
and the exercise'll do you a lot of good.
You see, this apartment was built
before they invented elevators.
Ollie, are you in trouble about money?
Oh, only temporarily.
But don't worry, honey.
- It won't really make any difference.
- It won't?
No, because we'll still have each other.
- Oh, Ollie!
- Oh, that's all right.
I'll get you one of my wife's coats.
She was gonna give it
to the Salvation Army anyway.
And then you'd be too self-conscious...
to- to wear one of these coats to work.
- Work?
- Yes. I got you this job.
- Ollie, I've been thinking.
- Yes, honey?
Well, you're going to have to give
all your attention now...
to getting back on your feet,
aren't you?
Oh, honey, only for-
for three or four years.
So, don't you think
it might be better...
if we didn't see each other
for a while?
Oh, that would be terrible!
Yeah, I see.
- Now just one final word.
- Yeah?
- If Ruth should hear something
or should get suspicious- - Huh?
It won't happen. I promise you.
But just in case-
- Yeah?
- deny, deny, deny.
No matter what she knows
or thinks she knows, deny it.
- What if she knows?
- You deny it.
- What if she-
- Deny.
- What if-
- Deny. Deny.
- Charlie!
- What?
What are you doing?
- Where?
- There! With her!
- Who?
- Her! How could you?
- What?
- That!
- When?
- When I came in, you and she were-
- Who?
- You know very well who.
That-That woman there.
- Where?
- Charlie!
- What?
- You and that woman!
What woman?
Th-The-Th-The one
who just left.
- But, Charlie!
- What?
Aren't you even ashamed of yourself?
Because of-
- Charlie?
- What?
What would you like for dinner?
Perhaps the definitive application
of the tactic-
a classic of its kind.
Now, there's a man
you've got to take your hat off to.
Relax! Paul, relax.
You-You're going to be fine.
Hey! You had the best teacher
in the world, didn't you?
Yes. Yes, I did, didn't I?
I- I did. I-
Hey, kumquats.
Ruth is crazy about these.
Now, about your portfolio...
I see substantial benefit...
in tax-free municipal bonds...
which are tax-free.
I think you ought to know
I'm married.
- Congratulations.
- Oh, thank you.
I, uh-Wouldn't-
Wouldn't you rather be?
Not at the moment.
Oh, no, no. No, I- I mean-
W- Wouldn't it be nice
to have a husband? Husband?
I do.
- Oh. Oh, in that case, I-
- You.
No, no, no. That's not what I-
I- I- I-I meant one of your own,
someone you can count on.
I am counting on you, honey.
No. No, I mean-
I mean, someone you belong to...
someone who cares about you...
someone you're crazy about
and who you'd hate yourself if you hurt her...
and all you want to do is
be with her always, only...
and- Here.
Here. Here- Here's a picture of her.
Isn't she wonderful?
And-And that's my little daughter.
- [Pounding]
- [Man] Open up in there.!
Come on.! We know you're in there.!
Open up.!
[Shouting Continues, Indistinct]
- [Man #2]... a search warrant.!
- [Woman] It's a private room.!
- [Ed] I'm gonna break that camera over your head.!
- [Screams]
[Shouting Continues, Indistinct]
[Tires Squealing]
[No Audible Dialogue
Within Scene]
[Choir Singing]
[Singing Ends]
Each and every device we know
Should be tried by the married man
And who can question the debt he'll owe
To the guide for the married man
It will list things universal
From Pittsburgh to Japan
And every man can be satisfied
By the guide
For the married man