A Guide to Second Date Sex (2019) Movie Script

I'm in love with you
Want you to love me too
True love
Can be hard to find
True love
Can be hard to find
True love
Can be hard to find
True love
Can be hard to find
- I'm in love with you...
-What's your name?
-I thought I--
-No, you go.
Sorry what was it you said?
Who are you out with?
My housemate. He's over there.
What's your name?
-No way.
I had a rabbit called Ryan.
Cool. How is he?
Oh, dead.
-There can only be one of us.
-What's your name?
I always said
if I had a daughter...
You'd call her Laura?
Well no,
I'd probably call her
"Yet another, in a long line
of women
that I cannot have sex with."
Sorry that--
that was a joke.
I don't have a daughter, so,
even if I did,
I'm not an incestuous pedophile.
Oh, my God, can't believe
this, she's left.
She always does this.
Do you want a drink?
Uh, I-- I, should,
I should probably go after her.
Then again, she'll have gone
to his house and...
-So was that...
Yeah. I'll have
a shot of Tia Maria.
Great. Hi, can we please
have a shot of Tia Maria
and a beer please.
Why don't you
try Tia Maria with me?
Sure, and can I have two
shots of Tia Maria, please.
-I'm converting him.
The church of Tia Maria,
all hail.
-It's not that good.
[joyful music]
[man] Women often rate a good
sense of humor as more important
to them in a partner
than physical attractiveness.
A sense of humor implies
a man's ability to cope with
potentially stressful
or even dangerous situations.
[woman] Makeup is used
primarily to artificially
enlarge our features.
Big eyes and slips
are indicators of youth.
The younger the woman the more
fertile she's likely to be
and the more capable her body
is of nurturing
and providing
for her offspring.
[man] The DNA contained
within saliva and exchanged
through a kiss
gives us invaluable
information regarding
our genetic compatibility.
[woman] Natural blonde hair
is the result
of high estrogen levels.
Dying hair blonde imitates
increased levels of fertility
and offers scientific reasoning
to the claim
that men prefer blondes.
[man] A woman's lips offer
a subconscious representation
of female genitalia.
When a woman is aroused
her genitals become deep red,
wearing red glossy lipstick
is an unconscious attempt
to mimic this process.
The human race
depends upon sex.
We need to do everything we can
to ensure we attract a mate,
not just any mate,
but the best we can get...
-...to do this we need
to enhance ourselves
and there are many
ways we can do this.
[woman] Spray a finishing
spritz across your face
to set the look,
and you're done!
That's it for this week,
Remember to hit "like" if you
like the video and subscribe...
-Fuck's sake.
- ...to become part
of the glam fans.
You say I
will show you mine
If you will show me yours
And one by one
we're throwing
All our clothing
On the floor
You say don't
blow out the candles
Cause I want you to...
Absolutely gorgeous.
Well, you said
he was a smart dresser.
Yeah, not a Victorian.
Second dates are what makes
or breaks a relationship.
-Says who?
-Says the fella on the YouTubes.
Oh, don't go giving yourself
away tonight though. All right?
Men like the chase, the less
you give the more they want.
I don't want you making
the same mistake
I did with your father.
-[man]I can bloody
hear you, Val.
-Oh, fuck off.
You looked
lovely in that jacket.
Just get out.
Why are you
wearing my shirt?
Because I needed
a shirt, Ryan.
No, I need the shirt.
Laura's coming around.
Then you don't need
a shirt, do you?
because you're gonna be naked.
-We're going for an Indian.
-In the Indian naked.
-Just give me the shirt.
-Right will you back a-way--
Will you stop wearing
that towel like a girl, please?
-I thought she was coming here.
-She is, and we're
going for an Indian.
She's not travelling
all the way across town for
an "onion bhaji", is she?
She's come here for one thing
and one thing only.
Yeah, I don't think
that's why she's coming.
-I understood,
it's more
than sex it's more than...
-Why don't you have sex, Ryan?
-I do have sex, I've done sex.
-Yeah with Tufts, brilliant.
-Yeah, and Jess.
Remember Jess from college?
-Is that it? Just two girls?
That's all you've had sex with.
-But I was in a relationship,
-a long-term relationship.
-No wonder you're
still in love with her.
I don't still love her.
When was the last
time you texted her?
-Uh, I don't-- Friday?
-Oh, man.
I've not texted in a week,
it's been a week, it's finished.
Yeah, two years ago when she was
jumping on somebody else's dick.
-Move on man.
-I have. I am. With Laura.
Weeded the garden yet?
-No, I'm not going
to sleep with him tonight.
-Do it!
He might
not even want to sleep with me,
he might not even like me.
No, he was pissed
the last time he saw me.
That being
the only time he saw me.
-He might...
-Do the bracelet test.
-What's that?
-If you ever want to know
how someone feels about you,
you do the bracelet test.
If you genuinely like
this girl, Ryan,
and I mean, genuinely.
Do her. Girls like
the game of cat and mouse.
It's a test.
They like to be pursued.
Bring her here, rave
in her cave, pass the test,
then you can have all the
bloody pilau rice you want,
I'm going to Inferno's, ciao.
Take off your bracelet
and discretely
push it into his personal space
and see what he does with it.
If he pushes it away, he
probably wants to push you away.
He's not interested. If he
picks it up and plays with it,
he wants to get closer
to you.
If he ignores it,
you get the gist.
But if he puts it on,
he wants to be inside you.
Wait, wait.
Are you going out with Adam?
Who's Adam?
Our housemate.
You mean Abel.
Is his name Adam?
I've been calling him Abel
for ages. Anyway, no.
I forgot we even had a flat mate
to be honest.
You can use my sexy silky bed
sheets for one night.
I'm not going to use
your sexy bed sheets--
-sexy silky bed sheets.
-But you can do.
Oh, you look awful.
Mum! I can't breathe
in these sodding jeans.
So, fuck it. I'm not going!
Calm down!
Of course you're going.
Now put this on,
now keep it buttoned up.
-Have you brushed your teeth?
-Have you got perfume on?
-I don't want perfume.
I want him to smell
my pheromones. Mum!
-What? It's ocean breeze.
-It's room spray!
It's better than that
pheromones thing you put on.
Now, you listen to me. You make
sure now you're safe tonight.
He could be a pedophile
for all we know.
-I'm twenty-eight.
-And you're still my baby.
[soft music]
Head northeast along Claringdale
Road for two hundred meters
and take a left
onto Chapel Lane.
She's got you high
And you don't even know yet
She's got you high
and you don't even know yet
The sun's in the sky,
It's warming
Up your bare legs
And you can't deny
You're looking for the sunset
She's got you high
And you don't even know yet
She's got you high
And you don't even know yet
It's the search for the time
Before it leaves without you
Have you lost your mind, has
She taken all of yours too?
She's got you high
She's got you high...
For 200 yards take your second
left onto Sunningdale Drive.
She's got you high
Romance alive and hope
She's going to tell you
She's got you high
-[Laura] So, did I ask you
what your name was?
No way!
I had a rabbit called Ryan.
-He's dead now.
He went behind the shed
and the cat from next door
went behind there.
I thought they were playing.
So, I just left them,
but turns out cats and rabbits
-don't get on in real life.
-As opposed to?
-My mind.
When I found him, he was
paralyzed with fear, and dead.
So I buried him
under a tree in the garden.
And may be rest in peace.
Well no, because I didn't
dig a deep enough hole
and the foxes got to him.
Well, then he died
as he lived. Badly.
-Hey, if it makes
you feel any better,
I had a fish once that died.
-What was your fish called?
-Called Wanda.
That's a shit name for a fish,
mine was called Bubbles...
-and Chick-a-teter.
[tension music]
[GPS] Your destination
is on the right.
Just get the-- hi, sorry
I'm late I was at Pilates.
Yes. Yeah that's good,
telling him about Pilates.
[doorbell rings]
Oh, God.
-Sorry I'm late I...
-Oh, don't be,
-you're not late.
-...I came from Pilates.
Sorry where?
-Shit, come in, sorry.
-Ooh. It's lovely.
-I'll give you
a tour if you like.
Oh! [both chuckle]
-It's Dan you live with,
isn't it?
-Yeah, but he's out clubbing.
[loudly] Clubbing!
Okay. Um...
This is a hallway.
Through there is the kitchen.
This is indeed a kitchen.
Through there
is the living room.
-These are stairs
or broken escalators.
-Very lovely stair--
Oh, or broken escalators.
[cracking wood]
Bathroom there,
Dan's room there.
That's a cupboard
and this is the boudoir.
Ooh, nice.
-Very tidy.
-Ah, well not really,
there's a few plates there
from last night,
a cup over there.
What's this? Secret room?
It's a toilet, yeah.
What an en suite?
-I've always wanted
one of these.
Wow. So, you've got
the biggest room then?
Yeah, the master bedroom.
Because I am the master.
[both laugh]
-Do you want a drink or...?
-Yes, please.
We have Cobra, um...
Ribena... milk.
Um. I've never had port.
Great, well port it is.
-I'll just get you some.
Um... do you want a hand
with those drinks?
Do you want a hand or anything?
No. No. I'm fine.
Right, well I just-- I'll wait
in the living room then.
-[upbeat music]
-[phone ringing]
-Didn't take long did it?
-Where's the Port?
-The what?
-Didn't we have a bottle
of Port, where is it?
-Is she there yet or what?
-Obviously, I'm not drinking
fucking Port by myself, am I?
Fuck the port, if you want
to get her there's five steps.
I'm going to tell you,
but you can't tell nobody else
I'm going to write a book.
-Where is the Port?
-Compliment her,
mirror her, ask her questions,
teasingly put her down and steer
the conversation towards sex.
I know,
but this isn't a book.
Then you fuck her.
Six steps, new book. Boosh!
I've found the Port.
I've found the Port.
Right calm down!
Calm down.
Where were the glasses,
do we have any glasses?
well there's one in my room.
But I piss in that when I can't
go to the toilet. Up to you.
Right, I've got to go
I'll call you later.
All right mate, bye-bye.
You're a proper dickhead,
you know that?
Ta da!
-I'm sorry about the cup,
all our glasses are in shops.
So how have you been?
Good, yeah.
Ooh, is that Irn-Bru?
Port and Irn-Bru, yeah.
All the celebs are drinking it.
It's Meryl Streep's favorite.
And you only drink what,
Streep drinks?
Yeah, just Cobra
and Port and Irn-Bru.
Oh, that's classy.
God, I'm so sorry, I didn't know
there was someone else in here.
-Are you Dan?
-No that's--
-not, not Dan, Dan's out.
-You all right, mate?
just got a little bit
of the old, dead skin
forming on the sole
of my foot there. So,
going to hit that up later on
once it's softened up,
but it does take time.
A little bit egotistical,
but so important
to look good, isn't it?
-Do you want
to see the garden?
-See you.
-Oh, lovely, yeah, all right.
[door closes]
[Laura] Garden's gorgeous.
It's a movement sensor,
you've got to keep moving.
Who was that?
-I don't know.
As in he does live here,
but I don't know his name
that's why
I couldn't introduce you.
[laughs] Just ask him.
I can't.
He's been here like a month.
I've been calling
him Adam, or Alex.
Dan calls him Abel.
But he responds to all of them.
[laughs] I honestly
didn't know he was there.
I know.
It's like that all the time.
He's got no presence at all.
-[Laura] Are you waving or what?
-It should come on in a sec.
-There we are. Oh! Shit!
How did you get out here
without setting the light off?
Didn't know that we had a light.
Oh, motion sensor, is it?
-Yeah, it should be.
-Right, that's it then.
No. No, those things never
pick me up for some reason.
Automatic doors, automatic
dryers, automatic toilets,
can never go back to Japan.
So, we going out then or what?
Well, I was thinking we could
stay in here for a bit.
But I thought we said we were
going for a meal or something.
Well, yeah,
but then I thought we could
watch a film or something.
You don't want to go
for a drink at a bar?
Well, I have drinks here.
In fact, I was going to grab
another beer. Just one sec.
[man] Sorry, old friends,
left it too long.
I left these out earlier.
I'll put them away
in case you trip.
-You lift weights, do you?
-Every day.
How many do
you normally do?
About one hundred a day.
Oh. Wow.
I'll show you,
-if you don't believe me.
One. Two.
Three. Four. [panting]
All day. Four. Four.
Just like that really.
I could do more, but you know.
What we going to watch then?
Oh, yeah, whatever you want.
I've got-- I've got
all the Pixar films.
All right.
Okay. Scarface?
X-Men, Godfather trilogy.
-Ooh. Oh.
-Oh, or there's my laptop there.
We could watch whatever you
want. I've got Netflix.
Oh, there's so
much Pikachu that's cute.
-[man] Fuck yeah.
-[Pikachu] Pika.
No, no, no, no.
- Pika, Pika.
Dan. He took that, the laptop.
-Oh no, no, no, no, Dan.
- You, filthy custard slag.
I think he's just,
he's looking on YouTube or like,
it would have come up on
the side or something and he
wondered why people were into
it. I don't think he's into it,
probably thought
it was a bit weird, so.
Pikachu's a slag
then, eh? Who knew?
Yeah. Well, I don't.
I've not seen that.
-Can I use your
bathroom a minute?
-Yeah, sure.
-You know where it is.
[upbeat music]
[indistinct chatter]
That thing I like
That thing, that thing
You do
That thing I like
Yeah, you got me going crazy
That thing, that thing
You do
Yeah you got me going crazy
Don't stop make it last
Don't stop make it last
So, I found
A Fish Called Wanda .
No? Or Cruel Intentions
which may be more to your taste?
Than Pixar Pokmon porn?
Doubt it. [laughs]
I'm only joking,
Cruel Intentions .
A fine choice.
Right, sorted.
Do you want a top up
before it starts or?
Er... No, I've still
got plenty thanks.
[ Cruel Intentions begins]
Sit up here if you like?
Probably see it better.
Get on properly.
Oh, right.
-This is nice.
[woman] Sebastian. Can you
at least pretend to focus?
[Sebastian] What good
would it do? I'm unfixable.
- Nobody's unfixable.
- Yes, I am, a text-book...
Did you know that this
was actually the film
that Ryan Phillippe
and Reese Witherspoon
met before they got married?
-No way.
-Yeah. Yeah.
-Isn't she that actress
that got stabbed? Reese..
No with a knife.
[soft music]
[woman] ...the right conditions
anything is possible.
[Sebastian] It took you
12 chapters to say that.
- You're right.
- I know I am.
[Sebastian] I've come
to a point in my life when
all I can think about is sex.
Take coming here for example,
you're a beautiful woman,
perfect curves,
stunning breasts,
knock out legs.
[woman] But you have
to look beyond that.
I know but it's hard.
Well, it's fortunate we've come
to the end of our session then.
It's really been an hour?
- Hour fifteen.
[Sebastian] It seems
you like to keep me here
as much as I wanted to stay.
[woman] Read the book.
I think you're going
to get over this...
-Is that for me?
-Oh. Do you want it back?
-No, you can borrow it
if you want.
To do with what you want.
Am I supposed to do
something with it?
[soft music continues]
You have a daughter?
-[woman] That's her,
a straight A student,
best girl on the cheer squad.
[Sebastian] That's the sort
of girl that could cure me.
[woman] She's a little out
of your league, Sebastian.
I'm sure the right girl
will come along.
What if she already has?
[woman] Then I wish you
the best of luck.
Let me know how it goes.
What is it?
Put her through.
-[young woman] Mom!
-[woman] You know not
to call when I'm working.
[young woman crying]
He told me I was beautiful
I'm such an idiot.
[woman] You're not,
you're just not smart
when it comes to having sex.
What have you done now?
[young woman] He's put videos
of me all over the internet.
- What videos?
- What do you mean what videos?
Sex tapes.
[woman] You idiot,
how could you let this happen?
[young woman] I don't know.
He said I had perfect curves
and stunning breasts,
he asked if he could film them
and I said yes but I went
too far, please help me, Mom.
Do you know what? I've--
I've already seen this film.
Oh. Well, do you want
to choose something else?
No. Actually I'm-- I'm just
not in a filmy sort of mood.
I see.
What mood are you in?
I'm not--
I thought we were going out
-for dinner, so.
-Right, no.
I-- I...
actually I have agoraphobia.
I'll get us a drink.
[woman] Sebastian.
Oh, my God.
-I need your cup.
-Come on.
-[phone line ringing]
Come on, Beth,
pick up the phone. Come on!
-[Beth] Hello!
-This is Beth's phone.
Leave a message.
- No.
Who else is there?
[phone line rings]
[phone ringing]
-B, I need an emergency
phone call now.
Okay. It's an emergency,
it's massive,
there's people on fire
and they're dead.
No, that's not how
you do an emergency call.
I found a body just one body.
-What's happening?
-He wants to have sex with me.
- And?
He wanks off to Pikachu.
Pikachu's quite pretty.
It's a drawing
of a cat, thing.
He says he's agoraphobic,
that's a lie,
or is it? I don't know.
-Stop being so scared.
- I am scared.
I can't have sex with him.
It's too soon.
If I do it, I haven't shown
enough resistance.
And I've not shaved.
[phone line rings]
[upbeat music]
[phone ringing]
-Yo yo yo!
-[Ryan] I'm losing her.
-What are you doing?
Right now, I am talking
to you while there is a girl
who thinks I have intermittent
agoraphobia held hostage
in my room. That's what
I am doing. I am off-piste.
[Beth] Okay, now dip your tits
into the cold water,
helps plump them up
makes them look bigger,
but you need to continue doing
this throughout the evening
because they will shrink
in the heat.
This isn't 50 shades
of fucking Gray, Bink.
No, it's more like
one shade of shit.
You've been talking
about this guy all week.
Give him a chance. If he's
fucking up, take control.
If you're feeling nervous,
think to yourself,
"What would Shakira do?"
And then just do that.
Put them in.
Fuck it.
Ah. Fuck it's freezing.
Have you complimented her?
Probably, I don't know.
- Have you spoken about sex yet?
- No.
I can lead a horse
to water, Ryan.
Okay. So, we compliment her,
-and the sex talk.
- Be dominant, man.
Tell her to get in the bed,
The bedroom rules,
they love rules.
-That's dogs.
- This one works for both.
Right before you fuck,
look her in the eye and say,
"You might not enjoy
this, but by God,
you'll remember it." Okay?
[soft music]
Are you all right in there?
Yeah, just give me a sec.
You getting back
in the bed or what?
These are the bedroom rules.
Do not break them.
[woman in the movie]
Do you want to have sex or not?
[soft music]
[woman] See, that wasn't
so weird, was it?
[woman 2] Wasn't weird at all.
I liked it.
[woman 1] Good.
Now we're going to do it again,
only this time you're going
to feel my tongue in your mouth
and when you do, you're going
to massage it with yours.
Are you ready?
It's all sex, sex,
sex these days isn't it?
Sex, sex, sex. Sex.
You know this film
was actually made in 1999.
And in those days as well.
Some things just never change.
[woman 1] How was that?
Let's do it again.
How about you try it again
with your friend.
[woman 2]
My mother would kill me!
[woman 1] Your mother doesn't
need to know everything
about your life.
I'll take care of your mom...
-You smell really good.
What is it?
Ocean Breeze.
-Well, it's good.
-Thank you.
[Ryan] This is happening,
don't get over excited,
stay calm. I am not calm!
Shakira what would you do?
[Ryan] Okay. Start with
the face and work your way down.
[Laura] Get that leg over.
And then you'd do
your chest jutting thing
and roll around in the mud.
[Ryan] What is happening?
I should have had a wank.
She is so confident.
Where am I going with this?
How many guys has she had?
Oh, fuck what am I doing?
Crawl back, crawl back.
- Oh God, he's touching my boob.
-Oh my, oh my God.
[Laura] Take control.
[Ryan] You're going to have
to be good at this.
All your best moves.
[Laura] Right. We'll start
with his shirt, kiss for a bit
then I'll take off mine
and that is the new plan.
[Ryan] Be dominant, you can't
let her take off her own shirt.
-[Ryan]Sorry. Sorry.
-It's okay.
-Shit, sorry
-It's okay.
-You all right?
-It's a--
-It's okay.
-It's a wrap around thing.
[Laura] Fuck's sake.
Ah, got it.
Oh, it's fucking knotted.
-You all right?
Yeah, right. Got it.
Ah. The jeans.
-Do you need a hand or?
I forgot how tight they were.
Shit... Take them off.
This is most awkward situation
that has ever happened.
Fuck these jeans.
-Ah. Here, lie down.
[sighs] Okay.
Oh, God.
This is the worst thing ever.
Ah! Thank you.
[soft music]
I'll just...
[Ryan] Yes. Oh, yes.
[panting] Okay, relax.
I cannot wait
to tell Dan about this.
Who's the daddy now, Dan?
Got to tell him about that porno
as well in case she asks him.
Right, just stop thinking,
stop thinking.
This is a result.
[Laura] Should I stop yet?
[Ryan] Oh, I hope
it's clean down there.
What if it's too clean?
Could she taste soap?
[Laura] I can't breathe.
Can she breathe down there?
Give her some air,
a little air hole.
[Laura] I don't know how long
I should do this for.
Maybe a few more swirly ones.
They always work like a charm.
Hey. Thank you.
Please, don't go down there.
I think she wants
me to go down there.
- Don't go down there.
- She's not kissing me, so,
- yep that's what she wants.
- Oh, no he's not going to-- no!
- Oh, I hope I remember
how to do this.
- Oh, no.
[Ryan] I can't see shit.
Oh, God. Where is it?
Oh, it's here.
[Laura] Okay. Just relax.
Who the fuck designed this?
[Laura] What is he doing?
Maybe stroke his hair.
[soft music continues]
[Ryan] A, B, C,
D, E, F,
G. G is a hard one.
[Laura] Okay, get him back up.
How do I end this?
Wiggle him off?
Oh, she's had enough probably
because I fucked up the G.
You look her dead
in the eye and you say...
Right, here we go.
Ryan. Got a condom?
Condom yep, yep.
-Are you okay?
Can never get these things
the right way, round.
[Laura clears her throat]
-So sorry.
-It's okay it's just,
just a bit higher.
Don't go soft.
Don't die on me. Fuck.
- I could just thumb it in.
- Don't thumb it in.
-It's okay.
[Ryan panting]
-Give me a second. Sorry.
-Do you want me to do anything?
No, no. Sorry.
Come on!
Sorry. [moaning]
[phone ringing]
[phone continues ringing]
-Sorry about that.
-It's okay.
-I'm usually better.
-As am I.
-Just going to nip to the loo.
[phone ringing]
[door closes]
[slow music]
Well, there we are.
All done.
It was-- it was nice
seeing you again.
Yeah and you.
And thanks for, for everything.
No, no worries. No probs.
[Ryan] I'm waiting out here.
Are you alright?
-Oh, they hurt so bad.
-Why would you hurt yourself?
-I don't know.
-Here, let me take these.
-I'll give you a piggyback.
Get on.
-Come on. Get on.
-Yes, yes, yes.
Get on. Jump, jump.
Oh no, whoa, whoa.
Oh, my God. Is this
how you see the world?
-Everyone looks tiny.
Wait, wait. Look how I see it.
Wow! You're a borrower.
-You're a borrower.
-I think one of us is a freak.
-Yeah, I think it's you.
-Well, I think
we should ask this guy.
Hey, excuse me, which one of us
would you say is a freak?
Fuck off.
-That was my dad.
-Have a chip.
[slow music continues]
-Laura. Laura.
It's that way.
I'm sorry...
about this, all of it.
-About what?
-The whole thing.
I just-- I haven't-- um--
I suppose you're going to go,
so it doesn't really matter.
I, um,
I haven't ever
really done this before.
I don't mean
that I have done that,
though it didn't look
like it, but I have.
Never well.
I haven't been with anyone
in a while and
I fucked it.
Again, not well.
Sorry-- I'm-- I don't know
what I'm trying to say, um.
I'm sorry
I didn't take you out.
I should have. I panicked.
I don't know--
I don't know how to do this.
I don't either.
Oh, no you do.
You definitely do,
the confidence and the dancing.
Oh, God, no,
that bit wasn't strong.
I liked it.
So, what you don't usually
take girls to your bedroom
-on a second date?
I don't usually have
second dates to be honest.
I haven't met anyone
that I like in a while,
or that likes me.
Is that because of an ex
or you're just not that...
into women?
You don't have to tell me,
I'm not like one of those
girls that's like "Who is she?
Do you still see her?
Does she still love you?
Do you still love her?
do you? Do you?" [chuckles]
Do you?
-[Ryan] Oh.
-Shit! Ryan!
Why aren't you at your mums?
Why are you having sex
with James?
I wanted to talk
to you about this.
-About what?
-Me and James.
-We're seeing each other, yeah.
-Pull out a minute.
Oh, Ryan. I'm so sorry.
I just knew you'd be so upset.
I was going to talk to you about
it over a weekend or something,
but well,
at least you know now.
Where are your pants?
Put them on for a start.
-I'm pretty hot in here.
The central heating's faulty,
you don't get the dial spot on
the temperature goes
up and up and up.
-You could take a look at it?
-Yeah, we can look at that.
On my count.
Release it now.
-[Ryan crying] You didn't count.
That'll do it.
Oh, my God. That's so shit.
-Ah, the temperature's
fine though.
-How long were you together?
-Two and a half years.
-I mean, it's fine now,
like I've-- you know, I--
we don't hang out or anything,
but like I'm not mad.
It's too cold
to be standing out here.
Do you want to come back?
[Ryan] What about you then?
You've got to tell me about you,
if I'm telling you all this.
Fine. Right, but you have
to ask the questions, okay?
So, me and my ex we finished
five months ago. Go.
-Okay. Was it serious?
-How long were you together?
-Six years.
-Six years?
-Um... Did you live together?
-Are you married?
-Were you married?
-What happened?
-You can't do that.
-What I have to guess?
-Did one of you cheat?
-Did he-- oh God.
He's not dead, is he?
Oh, God. I was going to say
this game is awful.
Fine, I'm just going
to tell you, okay?
So, it started about a year ago
when he told me he was bisexual.
-And you were fine with that?
-Well, yeah pretty much.
I was like
"Do you still fancy me?"
And he was like, "Yeah."
And when I thought about it,
I thought I kind of fancy
Jennifer Aniston.
-Sometimes I imagine
what she must smell like.
I've always said pia colada.
-I think she uses a lot
of scented body lotions.
Okay, so anyway, I was in bed,
it must have been
like 3 A.M. or something,
-I woke up and he wasn't there.
But I could hear noises
coming from downstairs.
So, I got up, I went down
and there was in the living room
-fiddling with the ornaments.
-Is that like code for...
No, no just actual ornaments.
Like a little dish
and a wooden cat thing.
-That's weird.
-I know.
And I say to him
-"Are you okay?"
-And he's like, "No."
Obviously, he's fiddling
with ornaments at like 3 A.M.
And he says, "Okay, so you know
a couple of months ago
-I told you I was bisexual?"
-Which you did.
Which I did, yeah.
So, I say, "Yeah."
And he says,
"Well I'm not. I'm gay.
I'm sorry. I'm gay."
And what did you say?
Well, I told him that
I thought it was a bold move
for the marriage,
but that it was okay
because he still fancied me.
And then he just stared at me
and kept repeating,
"I'm gay. I'm gay. I'm gay.
-I'm gay. I'm gay. I'm gay."
-"I'm gay". Yep.
-Did you see that coming, or?
Well, looking back now I can
kind of see the signs but...
Did his boyfriend give him away?
No. I--
that was such a dad joke.
-I'm sorry.
So, you just had
to stop everything.
-I guess you would have to.
-We had a house and everything
together so.
To start with I was like,
"We can still live together.
We can be mates and all that."
But that really didn't work out.
So, I'm back
with my mom for now,
and if all of that
didn't happen,
I'd be getting married
next week.
[door closes]
So, is that your only ex then?
No other women
I have to fight off.
-You're going to fight them?
-Yeah, why not?
That cheating one
sounds like she deserves
a punch in the face.
Well, I'm kind
of a big deal so um--
No there've not been many.
And how many is not many?
Are you just
making up a number?
What? No.
-I'm just trying to remember.
-You're going to lie.
How many have you had then?
-See, now you're going to lie.
[knocking on door]
It's not going to be for me.
No, it's going to be Dan,
he probably is going
to want to speak to you.
-He's been drinking so don't
believe anything he says.
-[knocking continues]
Just go get him,
I won't judge you I promise.
I have already judged you.
[Ryan] Ow.
Where are you keys?
-[suspenseful music]
-You made me give you
them back.
Please don't shut the door
just hear me out.
-What are you doing here?
-I came here to talk to you.
I called you like nine times.
You didn't pick up
which I understand,
but please can I come in?
No. I'm on my way to bed.
I'll be like ten minutes.
Five minutes. Max.
-Don't call me...
-Don't call you Max,
I know, I remember.
-Where's Dan?
-He's out.
-Are you okay?
-No, sorry. I'm--
drank some wine and--
all the wine. [chuckles]
James and I broke up.
Fucked up, massively.
[tension music]
I love you.
I keep thinking about you,
hoping that I'll bump into you
and what I'm going to say.
Does that sound pathetic?
[door closes]
-Is that, Dan?
-Give me two seconds.
I thought you said he was out.
-I found baby Ryan.
no that's,
it came with the frame.
-It didn't.
I don't know that baby.
Okay. You all right?
Yeah, no I'm--
that's-- it's not Dan in there.
It's my dad.
And he's,
he's in a pretty bad way.
Should I leave? I should leave.
No! You can't leave.
He'll see you.
Can you just wait here?
-I'll get him to leave.
-You don't have to do that,
it's your dad I don't--
It's fine, it's fine,
can you just stay here?
-Give me two minutes.
-Okay, yeah.
-Hello. Listen.
I am really, really grateful
for you coming over
and saying this,
but can I call you tomorrow
when this sunk in?
Aren't you even going
to open your present Ryan?
-Yeah, I'll open it tomorrow.
-No, do it now.
Can you please stop shouting?
[tension music]
Is that James?
Well yeah, I didn't have
a photo of us two together.
Look, Ryan, you tell me
what to do and I will do it.
I won't fuck up this time.
Why don't we watch
the Godfather trilogy
and how about I give you
your real present?
I promise I will
call you tomorrow.
Oh, God.
[crying] Ryan.
That's it. Be quiet, shh.
Up you come. Come on, that's it.
That's it. There we go.
-At least let me get
my bloody shoes.
[whispering] You stay here.
Yeah, all right, Dad.
Always forgetting them.
There goes one.
Can I use
your toilet before I go?
-No. It's broken.
-What about your toilet?
That's also broken.
There's something wrong
with the water level
and the toilets won't fill.
The toilets
are broken, honestly.
Right, well how do
you go to the toilet?
We use the sink,
or McDonald's.
It depends on the number.
I miss you.
-Ryan, look at me, will you?
I stayed with him
because I hated myself
for what I did to you.
I will never forget that look.
[loud noise]
Have either of you two seen
my assorted biscuit tin?
-All right?
[tension music]
You can keep those.
How-- how did
you know I was here?
I didn't.
Why are you here?
-Why is she here?
-You know him?
-Do you two know each other?
I-- are you two
in this together?
Is that what this is?
What is this?
Oh, my God.
You're Ryan, Ryan. He's--
he's pissy Ryan? Oh, my God.
-Are you two on a date?
-Whoa, why am I pissy Ryan?
Why did you say pissy Ryan
and she said yes?
The time you had loads to drink
and pissed the bed.
-Are you two on a--?
-What three years ago?
That night? That happened
one time, one time.
-You pissed the bed loads.
-One other time
and otherwise
it's been dry nights.
Dry nights Ryan
should be what you call me.
-Are you two on a date?
No, no, so why are you here?
-Don't you live in Wales now?
-You came from Wales, here?
-It was the Megabus.
It's fine. It's cheap.
It's fine.
Is this your idea
of getting back at me?
-Is it?
-No, I'm not.
I don't know what this is?
What is happening here?
Beth is who I was
out with on Friday.
And is this your ex Beth?
[crying] I don't believe this.
Beth I-- I didn't know
that that was pissy Ryan
-or dry nights Ryan.
-How do you two know each other?
Beth, if I'd have known that
I wouldn't have come here,
-and you know that.
-Fine, fine.
You two stay,
I'm going to leave.
I'll let you get on
with your little sex party.
Oi, why did you say
it was your dad?
I didn't-- I don't
know what I'm supposed to say.
This is going well, isn't it?
I'm going to go.
-No, no, no, stay.
-It's what you want, isn't it?
-Beth, stop it.
No. We'll let him choose.
Pick one.
-I'm going to go.
-No, you are going to stay
because clearly
you're the one he wants now,
unlike last week when you
were texting me asking was
I all right, saying goodnight,
like pretty much you have done
for the past two years,
telling me you love me,
you miss me.
-Here we go.
-Oh, no don't--
Listened to "The man
who can't be moved."
"Made me think of you." Wait.
Yeah, this is a really good one.
"Miss you, still can't find
a girl who compares to you."
-[door closes]
- Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo
-High five.
-[girl laughs]
You see Ryan this is Tali.
Tali this is Ryan.
Tali teaches Yoga,
and yeah, Tali, Ryan.
Yeah, is it shoes or no shoes?
Hiya, Tufts. This is Tufts,
Ryan's ex-girlfriend,
who cheated on him
in this living room in fact.
That's why we don't have
a sofa anymore, isn't it?
-My name's Beth.
-Yeah, but we call her Tufts
because once happened
she shaved herself
and when the pubes grew back
came as these like tufts,
looked like individual popcorns.
I'm sorry.
I didn't see it,
definitely not,
but you told me it was rough
as fuck, didn't you?
This lady I have definitively
never laid a gander on.
I'm assuming, you're the girl
Ryan's trying to have sex with.
-[Tali] Hello.
-[Dan] Tali everybody!
-Woo, woo, woo!
Well, Laura,
why don't you tell me
how long has this
really been going on for?
Nothing's been going on.
I only met him like last Friday.
Friday! What?
When you were out with me,
to cheer me up? Thanks.
-You left.
-Yes, because I was upset.
-What you two
know each other?
-Seems like it.
So, you took me out,
let me leave and then pull
my ex. Great plan!
Why are you making out
like I planned this?
I didn't even know
he was your ex,
and do you know what maybe we
could have realized this sooner
if you'd actually asked
me about my date tonight,
or you'd called me like a mate.
Oh, yeah, yeah that's it.
You mean like earlier,
when you texted me asking me
for an emergency phone call
because quote
"It is desperately needed."
and I'm not making this shit up.
-Look, Ryan.
-Put your phone away.
Now, I don't know if now's
a good time but has anybody lost
a pair of these?
-Is that one of yours?
That looks so much worse
and oddly so much better
than it actually is.
Look, I'm not going to argue
with you, I barely know the guy.
So, you two have obviously
got a lot to go through.
-I'm going to leave you
to it, okay?
-No honestly, Laura
-That-- it's not what you think.
-Ryan! Ryan.
-Really it looks bad, but--
-I'm done here, okay?
I've wanted someone that wanted
something else for years
and it, it doesn't work.
Oh, wet towels.
-[door closes]
-[Tali] I've always been like,
"A raisin is a raisin.
It's its own fruit,
and then Dan was like,
"It's a shriveled up, grape."
I was like, "What?
Did you know this?"
-He told me.
-Tell us something else.
Women are fucking crazy.
Laura is, I'm not. Anymore.
You okay?
Yeah, yeah.
[upbeat music]
Okay. Goblin,
-where are you from?
-[imitating a goblin's voice]
How will you be
leaving this club later?
-[imitating] Stumbling.
-Okay, okay.
-Seriously now.
How do you find the current
situation in Syria?
-[imitating] Troubling.
Um, what was it like receiving
the Nobel Peace Prize?
-It was very...
-[imitating] Humbling.
-Yeah. All right!
-Don't worry about it.
-About what?
-About being on a date
with my friend.
-I'm not.
You've been
seeing one of my friends
for the last two years, so--
Okay, we all know
what's happened.
Why don't I open
that champagne, yeah?
You'll even like champagne.
It's made from grapes.
Oh, better not I'm pregnant.
You're-- what did you say?
[Beth] Ryan, where are
the champagne flutes?
You know, where are they?
Baby, where are your glasses?
-[Beth] Why?
-We don't have any glasses.
Please let me get her a glass.
-All right.
I don't understand this.
You've been
texting me, sending me flowers,
pretty much begging me
-to get back with you and now--
-I sold my fucking couch!
And now you're back here
like nothing happened
-and looking for glasses?
-What's the deal
with the glasses?
But all those texts
and messages that I sent you,
you didn't reply to one,
not a single one.
I know and I'm sorry,
but if we want to make this work
you have to move on.
-Yeah, I have.
From you.
You're going
to have to leave now.
Get out.
Please get out.
You're not actually
doing this, are you?
One date with my mate,
a few reps and suddenly
you're the big man.
I came here for you.
You came here for yourself
because James left you.
-Laura's right.
-Laura's an idiot.
She's an idiot
who doesn't make me feel totally
shit about myself all the time.
-Still an idiot though.
-Come on.
Please, get out.
Please, leave.
[door opens]
I'll raise
that child as my own.
I'm not really pregnant.
[GPS] Head southwest
for thirty meters.
Which way is southwest?
You made your choice
"pissy pants Ryan."
Hope you and "I would rather
be married to a gay guy"
are very happy.
You certainly
fucking deserve each other!
Ah, oh!
-See, she did deserve a punch
in the face.
-Shut up. Ridiculous.
where is southwest? That way?
Where does the Megabus go from?
You can kiss
goodbye to your job.
You haven't got the authority
to sack me, Beth.
-No, but Marion does, when she--
-Marion hates you.
She fucking hates you.
-Marion loves me.
-[Laura] Slut!
-Which way is it? That way?
-No, no, wait, Laura, Laura.
I'm so sorry for--
I didn't mean to lie to you.
She just turned up and I didn't
know what I was supposed to do.
I know this has got to be
like the worst date ever.
This isn't a date anymore.
[slow music]
Shit do you want
a jacket or something?
No. I'm fine.
Look, I don't know
which way southwest is,
it's probably that way.
But would you
please just come in,
just for one minute.
I know I don't deserve it.
-Do you love her?
No. Honestly, no.
Laura, Laura, I am so sorry.
I didn't mean for any of this.
I-- would you please just come
in, please let me explain.
-Yeah, come inside, Laura.
-Yeah, babe, come inside.
-Yeah, come inside you.
-Stop talking, please!
[Dan] Fine.
-[all] Yeah! Yeah!
-She's coming in!
Oh, please, please,
some room thank you.
Thank you. So much.
Do you want a drink?
I've got champagne, genuinely.
It's still in a cup,
but the caliber of drinks
has skyrocketed in here.
Do you want one?
-[champagne bottle opens]
-Whoa, wow, wow. Oh. So erotic.
[both laugh]
-Whoa! Take it easy.
-I'm so...
Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles.
-To Streep.
-Always to Streep.
So, Goblin.
-How's the champagne?
-[imitating voice] Bubbling.
-I thought you'd forgotten.
-I didn't forget.
-I am so glad
you can't read maps.
I can,
it's just that first bit.
I couldn't have had you
going back to Wales thinking
I was an even worse
Ryan than Ryan the Rabbit.
Oh my God. How do
you know about my rabbit?
Because you kept talking
about him, for hours, genuinely.
I don't know why?
He was a shit rabbit.
Don't say that now.
-Oh. [yawning]
-Oh. That good, am I?
-Are you tired?
-Yes, a bit.
-Thought you were
French kissing.
Is this a date then?
No, I don't think
we should ever date.
That would be ideal.
That's sweet.
This is actually some
really nice stuff you guys.
-Shall we go upstairs?
-No, you don't have to do this.
-I do.
Just let me get the champagne,
in case we do really have...
All right. Come on.
Mind your head, whoa.
[Laura] Ooh-hoo.
[Ryan] Ready, ready boys?
Strong legs them private!
[Laura laughs]
[Dan] You might not enjoy this,
but my God you'll remember it!
-[Tali] What is wrong with you?
-[Dan] Just joking.
-[Tali] What is this? Piss?
-[Dan] Yes.
-Oh, my God. You're disgusting.
-Why? It's just piss.
-Oh, oh it stinks.
-No, it doesn't.
It was in the morning.
Stay here one minute.
-[Tali] No.
-I love you.
[door closes]
Oh. I didn't see you there.
Oh, I shouldn't worry,
it happens a lot.
I'm Tali.
Tali, I'm A...
Ah... Right.
So, we have banana,
or that could just be yellow.
This apparently
makes everything burn.
-Uf... Not that.
-I don't like those either.
We have ribbed
or glow in the dark.
I'd prefer it if my cock
doesn't glow to be honest.
Come here.
No, that's just yellow.
[both chuckle]
It's just yellow.
You ready? Do you want
me to do anything?
All right.
-You all right?
-Ah. Okay.
[both moaning]
-Oh, dear.
[both laugh]
-Did you come?
-I did, but I can keep going.
-Can you?
No. I'm sorry.
That's okay.
It's fine, it's fine.
Sorry about that.
Hey, it was much better
than last time.
Yeah. It was, wasn't it?
So, imagine next time.
Puff... [chuckles]
Sweat, baby, sweat, baby
Sex is a Texas drought me
And you do the kind of stuff
That only Prince
Would sing about
So put your hands down
My pants and I'll bet
You'll feel Nuts, yes,
I'm Siskel, yes I'm Ebert
- And you're getting
two thumbs up
-Yes. Ah!
You've had
Enough of two-hand touch
You want it rough
You're out of bounds
I want you smothered
Want you covered
Like my Waffle House
Hash browns
Come quicker than Fed Ex
Never reaching apex
Like Coca-Cola Stock
You are inclined
- To make me rise
An hour early
- Just like Daylight
Savings Time
-Yes. Ah!
-I know you're watching Pikachu.
-I'm not.
-You are.
-I'm just checking my emails.
How long have
you been awake?
You and me baby
ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they
Do on the Discovery Channel
Say my name. Say my name.
Oh, I've forgotten it.
That's okay.
Love, the kind you clean up
With a mop and bucket
Like the lost
Catacombs of Egypt Only God
Knows where we stuck it
Hieroglyphics Let me be
Pacific, I want to be down
In your South Seas But I got
This notion that the motion
Of your ocean
Means small craft advisory
So, if I capsize in
Your thighs, high tide
I actually have agoraphobia.
[both chuckle]
Right, no. I, um,
I actually have agoraphobia.
So, right.
-Cool down.
-Ah, right. Okay, okay.
Fuck it now. Right, right. Okay,
right, right. No, no. Okay.
But um-- actually, right...
Well, I thought
we were going out, so...
-Right, no. What.
Oh, my God. Just say it
really quick, right? Ready?
I just--
I thought we were going out.
Can we-- can we cut?
Nothin' but mammals
So, let's do it like they do
On the Discovery Channel
Do it again now
You and me baby
Ain't nothin' but mammals
So, let's do it like they
Do on the Discovery Channel
Gettin' horny now