A Haunted House (2013) Movie Script
Why isn't this
stupid thing workin'?
See, that's that bullshit.
I'm taking this shit
right back to Best Buy.
Or not.
Stupid lens cap.
Wow!
Brand-new camera.
I'm filming
everything with this.
Christmas, New Year's,
vagina.
All right.
Today is the big day.
My girlfriend
Kisha's moving in.
Now, all my boys
keep telling me,
"Don't do it, don't do it,
"because everything's
gonna change.
"She's gonna take
over your house.
"She's never
gonna cook again.
"And worst of all,
"you're putting
your dick in jail."
I think they're trippin'.
Once she moves in,
everything's gonna
be perfect.
Place looks nice.
Baby boy cleaned up
for you, huh?
Oh, shit!
Rosa!
Hey, you gotta
announce yourself.
You can't just
creep up on me.
Aw, come on.
This is my
housekeeper, Rosa.
Say hi. Say hi.
Say hi!
Hi! Hola.
Say "Hola." Hola.
Bye-bye!
Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay!
Do this.
Oh!
I'm a big bambino?
You know I love you.
Hey, Shiloh!
Say hi to Mommy.
I'm gonna hump you
on your leg, Kisha.
That's right.
And I'm gonna lick you
all over your face
with my dog-ball mouth.
Oh, shit.
Here she comes.
Hi, baby!
Hey, baby! Hi!
No, no, Shiloh!
Wait! No, no, no, no!
Shiloh! What did you do?
I didn't see him!
What did you do?
I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God!
Shiloh, come on, breathe.
Maybe he's
just playing dead.
He doesn't know
how to play dead.
He knows how to shake hands.
He knows how to fetch.
He knows how to roll over.
He don't know
how to play dead.
Come on, Shiloh, breathe.
One, two, three.
Breathe.
Aww!
Give me
the jumper cables.
The jumper cables?
Give me
the goddamn jumper cables!
Don't you die on me!
Start the car!
Clear! Go!
Oh, shit!
Meet me at the hospital!
The hospital's that way!
Don't go towards
the light, Shiloh!
You're in
a better place now, buddy.
I'm so, so sorry.
It's okay, baby.
It's...
It's not your fault.
Yes, it is.
You know, look...
Look on the bright side.
I'm allergic to dogs.
I know, but that's what
was so great about Shiloh.
He was hypoallergenic.
Shiloh!
Oh, my God!
Look at all this shit.
Okay, Malcolm,
this is the last box.
What's with the camera?
I'm documenting
our lives together.
Say hi.
Hi! Okay. Mmm.
That ass
lookin' nice, baby.
Hey, hey.
Pan up, pan up.
I see that.
Baby, you are officially
a hoarder.
I swear to God, I'm gonna
open one of these boxes
and find, like, a dead cat
and an old
baloney sandwich in it.
Ha, ha, ha.
Very funny.
Oh, my God.
Do you need these?
Yes! These are...
For what?
These are good
wedding shoes!
One to 10, what are you
feeling right now about that?
Um, 8.7.
What do you
feel about that?
Nine. Nine.
No, wait! Come on. Come on.
What's this? Hold on.
This is a box that my aunt
brought from Kenya.
This is a nine, too.
Oh, my God!
Hi, my name is Kisha Davis,
and I'm a hoarder.
There's shame.
Oh, wow.
Are these
your daddy's ashes?
Yes, Malcolm.
They go where I go.
So, we're gonna
have his ghost
watching over us?
Just put him in
the other room.
He likes to watch TV.
He's dead.
What's he gonna watch?
American Horror Story?
Okay, babe,
these video games,
they have to go.
Wait. Leave my
video games alone.
They're tacky.
- I'm not gonna break it.
- Give me my camera!
"Negra?"Did she
just call me a nigger?
What? What?
I will lambada your ass!
English! English!
Speak English!
Baby. Baby. Baby!
You know she
don't like me, right?
Oh, I know
what's going on here.
You got some
Schwarzenegger stuff
going on in here, right?
Really?
Yeah, okay, yeah.
Yeah, we're gonna
have a nappy-haired baby
that speaks perfect Spanish.
Come on.
Think about it.
Okay.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Hungry there, buddy?
Mm-hmm.
You're over there eating
like the Cookie Monster.
Can I just enjoy
my food, please?
Wow. Somebody's crabby.
I'm sorry.
I'm just tired.
I haven't been sleeping well.
I keep hearing these noises.
Scary.
Well, you don't have
to be afraid, okay?
'Cause you're
living with me now.
And nobody's gonna
hurt you on my watch.
Okay?
Okay.
Unless the nigger
got a gun.
Then you on your own.
What?
Hey, baby, what you doin'?
Well, it's time to
put on something
a little more comfortable.
Aha! That's what
I'm talkin' about!
Fellas,
get out your pen and pads.
We about to give
you a sex tutorial.
Let's do this.
Mmm. Oh.
Yeah.
Oh, you got the beat!
Oh! Stop.
Stop. Not yet. Not... Ahh!
You gonna bring
a friend there, huh?
Ah. Ah.
Uh-huh? Watch that.
Uh-huh.
Now you get some, yeah.
Watch. Watch.
Ah, taste that.
Look at Daddy. Uh-huh.
Two dogs, one duck.
Get it nasty.
You nasty.
Go home.
I want you by myself. Yeah.
Shh.
Oh. Oh, shit!
That's still hot!
Shut up. Take it.
You just take it.
Take it, take it, take it.
Baby!
Yeah, baby?
I cannot believe
this is our first night
living together!
Yeah. It's nice, huh?
Uh-huh.
I can't wait to
lie next to you.
Oh, me, too.
Gotta go, baby.
It was fun.
Whoo!
Get in.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Here I come!
Okay, honey.
Baby, you are
the sexiest woman...
What the hell?
You know, Malcolm,
not everybody goes to bed
looking like a supermodel.
Apparently not.
You know?
Besides,
what is wrong
with my outfit?
Nothin',
if you lived in a box
underneath the freeway.
What?
Come on!
Hold the sign up,
please?
Can I go to bed?
No, you gotta
get the joke first!
Come on.
All right.
Okay, fine.
Okay. I'm ready.
All right. Go ahead.
Spare change?
You stupid!
I love you.
Good night.
God!
How could someone
so cute be so stink?
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Oh, really?
Oh, God!
What crawled up
your ass and died?
Shit!
Really?
You ain't
allowed to move in here
and do this shit.
Mm-mmm.
Mm-mmm.
Ugh!
Aah!
It's alive! What?
Oh! Oh! Oh, fuck!
Oh!
I heard that.
So, we didn't
have sex last night.
Kisha didn't cook,
and she killed my dog.
But other than that,
I guess this moving-in thing
is gonna be pretty cool.
Malcolm! Malcolm!
What's up?
My keys are on the floor.
Okay.
Malcolm.
What?
Something weird
is going on here.
If you mean
something weird
like you farting
in your sleep,
yes, there is.
No, no.
I think we have a ghost.
A ghost?
Yeah, okay.
No, you have a ghost
in your ass.
I wanna bring a psychic
to tell us what's going on.
A psychic?
Ah, come on, Kish.
That's ridiculous.
Look, I'll tell you
what's going on, okay?
Some neighborhood kid
came in here,
stole something
out of your purse,
and then he left...
No. See, if anyone
is stealing anything,
it is you-know-who, okay?
Hey, girl!
Okay, we have no idea
what she's doing
when we're not here.
Why is she
always wearing gloves?
Okay, fine.
I'll take care of it.
Guilty.
Hey, I'm Dan
the Security Man.
Hey, how you doin'?
Nice to meet you.
Hey, I'm sorry, buddy.
I didn't see you back there.
That's my associate, Bob.
Actually, he's my brother.
He's a simple...
He used to
play in the dryer.
We turned it on once.
Whoa, whoa!
Hey, yo,
you better back up!
What's the problem?
We're here to
install cameras.
Yeah.
Not to be filmed
on camera.
'Cause I'm doing
my own reality show.
Well, I'm not
signing anything.
And I can't write.
He can't write.
Blur this out.
Mosaic.
Okay.
What is he doing?
Is the owner home?
You're talking to him.
Yeah, right!
Wow.
Oh. Wow. Okay.
All right. Now, that camera
covers your entire backyard.
It's cool.
Let's say you and the missus
are having
a pool party, right?
You know, you're grilling up
some fried chicken,
probably some ribs.
Hot wings,
some pig knuckle,
strimps.
You know,
maybe some corn bread.
I'd say watermelon,
but that might
be racist, right?
Corn bread was
pretty close.
Not really.
Country folks
eat corn bread.
Can I say it?
You talking
about the "N" word?
Yeah.
No. It's not appropriate.
I see.
Are you...
Is he serious?
You can call me
a cracker.
I don't want to.
I just want...
Let me say it.
If you say it, I'm going to
punch you in your face.
Anyway...
Wow.
Maybe later things
get a little freaky.
You and the
old lady in the 'cuzzi,
buck naked, right?
Little Black Mamba's
ready to strike.
That camera will
catch all of it.
Nice!
So, all you gotta do,
go upstairs,
clickity-clack
on the computer,
beat off to the highlights.
Yeah.
Holler!
Holler!
Do it.
No.
Holler!
Are you really gonna
make me do this here?
Camera Guys.
Holler!
Got you all tied in.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, just hit
the space bar, the mouse,
you flash from the kitchen.
Mm-hmm?
Entryway.
Backyard.
Living room.
I even tied in the webcam.
Nice.
Yeah.
Oh, I like that.
That's cool.
Here's something
you wanna think about.
You can remote
access these things
from wherever you are.
I can set that up if you want.
Just give me your pass code.
No. Not gonna happen.
Good choice.
Nice try.
But you could set that up
if you want to.
You're out of town
on a business trip,
you might wanna
check up on the missus,
make sure she's safe.
Right.
Or whatever she's doing!
Yeah.
You know,
girls, they like to have
a girls' time when
you're out of town.
And why wouldn't they,
you know?
You don't
expect things like...
You know, she's
spread eagle on the floor,
banging the mailman.
"Special delivery!"
Not on our bed!
You dirty bird!
In front of the dog!
Is he serious?
Oh, the dog's so upset!
I mean, you know,
you're at a security
convention in Albuquerque
screaming at the top of
your lungs at a Quality Inn!
I remember Albuquerque.
You can't scratch your way
through the camera!
Kinda reminds me,
I gotta mail out some bills
before the
end of the month.
Uh, it's okay, man.
It's okay.
Bobby, you better not
be recording.
Uh, Bobby?
Yeah, I got
the whole thing.
Don't do this shit
in my house.
It's okay. Okay.
All right. I understand.
Okay.
Why are you installing
all these
security cameras anyway?
Uh, we may have
a burglar.
Or a ghost.
A burglar.
Ghost.
Well, it just so happens
I have my own ghost hunter
reality show.
Do you wanna know
what it's called?
I got one, too.
Wild guess, American Ghost?
Wrong!
Ghost Guys.
It is trademarked,
so don't get
any funny ideas.
I definitely won't.
All right. See ya.
Yeah!
You know they're
shooting porn in there.
Really?
No way he owns it.
Malcolm, what is that?
Well, I paid those
camera guys all this money
and they left a big-ass
blind spot inside the hallway.
So you decided to
break my fan and rig up
this ridiculous camera?
Yep.
Call me "Nigyver."
Wow.
Cool.
All right, baby.
Come on.
All right.
All right.
- I'm so hungry.
- Me, too. Starving.
Okay, Rosa.
We're leaving.
Buenas tardes, senores.
Okay.
It's crazy, right?
These stupid motherfuckers
don't think I speak English!
Hmm.
Yo, I got a nice pool.
You want to come on down?
Yeah, we got a Jacuzzi.
Que pasa?
Ay, Dios mio!
Whoo! Dios mio!
Whoo!
Hey, Rosa. We're back.
Hola!
Ah!
Si!
Yo tambien.
I don't know
what you saying.
Mm-hmm!
- Baby!
- What?
Look at how
she's swimming.
Hey, Steve.
Steve, look.
Check this out.
Black girl don't like
getting her hair wet.
Hey, hey, hey!
Malcolm, cut that shit out!
Just got my hair did.
You know that.
You're looking
good over there, baby.
Hey, show us your tits.
What?
Show us your tits!
Whoa, whoa.
No, no, no, no, no!
I knew she would do it.
You like that?
No, no. That was awkward.
Oh, yeah? But did you
like it a little bit?
They're cockeyed.
Yeah, I know.
One's bigger
than the other one.
That way you can
have a favorite.
Baby?
- No!
- Whoo!
Your head's
gonna get pregnant!
Let's do reverse.
Wow, man, I am loving
this camera of yours.
This is really cool.
I bet you're shooting
all kinds of extracurricular
activities with this camera.
Actually, I'm not.
You aren't?
None.
You're not?
You know, ever since
Kisha moved in,
I haven't seen
no parts of the vagina.
No!
It's like she moved in,
and her vagina
moved out the same day.
You gotta be kidding me!
Yeah.
That makes me angry.
Not as angry as
it makes my penis.
Well, I am angry
for your penis.
Mr. Happy is
not so happy.
Oh, that's infuriating.
Yeah, man.
Yeah, man.
It makes me very upset
to hear that.
But you know,
there is something
you can do
to spice it up
if you want to.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
What?
Well, you know how, like,
if you get tired
of driving your car,
you might
test-drive a new car?
Mm-hmm.
Maybe you would
even let somebody else
drive your car
for a little while,
you know?
Get a whole new
appreciation of your vehicle
when you do that.
Are you talking about
swapping girlfriends?
- What? No!
- Excuse me?
Oh, wow!
I don't know where you
were goin' with that!
Oh, wow!
I was talking about cars!
My bad.
You would never do it?
I would absolutely
never do it.
Me neither.
Me neither.
What kind of pervert
does that?
That's what you
would have to be.
It takes a pervert
to swap girlfriends.
You never have done it,
and you never would, huh?
No, Steve.
Even if you got drunk enough
or something like that?
Like, you might have a few
too many drinks and say,
"Why not?
Let's give it a try,"
if there was a couple
that was into it.
No.
No. Yeah, me neither.
That's how I feel.
But even, like, maybe
if you got a little high,
maybe on a Saturday night
or something like that,
and you were like...
Even then.
Yeah. Like, even if
this couple was, like,
up for anything
and raring to go,
and she was hot to trot,
like, a hot, hot lady.
It wouldn't matter.
You wouldn't do it, right?
Nigger, no.
Same here.
We're in agreement.
It's crazy to swap
girlfriends like that.
I am with you 100%.
Steve, want a beer?
Hey, babe, did you
tell Steve we have a ghost?
We don't have a ghost.
A ghost?
Yeah.
Awesome.
We don't have a ghost.
No, Jenny, it's not cool.
We don't have a ghost.
You thought it
was cool in college.
We did a seance
and everything!
A seance?
Oh, yeah. That's right.
You did a seance?
Yes.
Honey, it's college.
You do a lot of silly stuff.
Yeah.
Like that time we
got drunk and made out.
Oh, it's all hazy.
You know, college,
it's like a big fog.
We're gonna talk
about these college days.
Yeah, yeah.
A hazy, sexy fog,
it sounds like.
Wouldn't it be great if
we all spent the night?
Together?
Well, that's an
interesting idea.
What do you think
of that, Malcolm?
- A naked sleepover?
- No.
No?
It's weird.
Yeah, but it's definitely
gonna be weird.
But are you saying
weird good or weird bad?
Weird bad, Steve.
Okay.
All right, you guys.
It's been real.
Listen,
I know a great psychic
if you need one.
Okay.
He told me
I'd be surrounded
by big, black spirits
in my near future.
Vaginas crossed.
Yeah, okay.
Right? Goodbye!
Well.
Listen, before we go,
I just wanna talk to
you about something,
'cause Jenny's got
a birthday coming up.
I wanna do something real
special for her, you know.
I was thinking maybe you could
invite a couple of guys over,
like your cousin Ray-Ray,
maybe?
that he hangs out with,
you know?
Jamal, and Hakim,
and Anforny, you know?
Just the six of us, right?
We'll have some fun.
We'll double stuff
the Oreo a little bit, huh?
Dirty up the white snow?
Black poles, white holes.
You know, maybe all pile on
the little white rabbit,
right, you know?
Are you talking
about a mandingo party?
What? A what?
Excuse me!
I mean, I'm really,
uh, not into that.
But if you're into that...
Um, I'm...
Well, we might be able
to work something out
Hey, buddy, I mean...
Okay, bye, Steve.
Oh!
Oh, wow.
That's beautiful.
Okay, Jenny.
Okay, honey, come on.
Come on, honey, come in.
You're lucky.
She is luckier.
Bye, guys. Bye!
All right.
Okay. All right.
I think
Jenny and Steve
are swingers.
You think? Wow.
This looks like
a ghetto Rite Aid.
Wrong Aid.
Oh, shit!
Did somebody shave a yeti?
Very funny.
I shaved my legs.
With what,
a weed whacker?
Wow. That's like
Apollo Creed's chest hairs.
That is crazy.
Oh! Hey!
Malcolm, come on!
Dude, turn that off.
Get out of here.
You got to close this.
Stop it!
I'm claustrophobic, okay?
Yeah? Well,
I'm ass-trophobic.
You know what, Malcolm?
What?
Love it or leave it, okay?
Here. Here.
Take it, okay?
It's oak-y.
It's... It's full-bodied.
I believe it's open.
Oh, that's...
That's nasty!
Mmm. The aroma.
The nastiest thing ever.
No, Malcolm! Malcolm!
Hey! No!
Move your
little nasty foot.
Stop it!
Ow! Ow! Malcolm!
Uh, Malcolm. Malcolm?
Hmm?
The camera isn't off.
Yeah, the camera's off.
What are you talkin' about?
The light is on.
That's the standby light.
That's the record light.
I don't want to be
like those stupid girls.
Kim Kardashian
with a sex tape.
First of all,
Kim Kardashian's
worth $150 million.
Think about it, Kisha.
You could have
your own reality show.
You could have your
own clothing line,
your own perfume.
"Stank," by Kisha.
No.
Your window of opportunity
is closing quickly.
Turn it off.
Oh, God,
you are a hater.
I'm not.
Malcolm. You ain't slick.
That camera's still on.
- What?
- "What?"
That's cheap.
Whoo! Whoo!
Don't touch it.
Don't touch it.
That was crazy.
Oh, I got a cramp.
I told you we should
have recorded that.
I don't think they
make 30-second tapes.
Oh, come on. That was
at least two minutes,
Whoo! That was great.
Malcolm, you know
we have to go again, right?
I need a halftime.
You gotta talk to the coach.
Get some new plays.
Wake up.
Okay, okay.
Come on now.
Okay, okay.
Woody's sore.
Mmm.
Yeah.
Good morning, honey.
Hi, baby.
Mwah.
Malcolm, I told you
to turn the camera off!
I know. I'm shit.
But, baby, I was
tearin' it up last night.
Oh, please.
You were all right.
Baby, check this move.
Look at that.
Malcolm, I need you
to erase this tape.
I don't wanna end
up on the Internet.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
Rewind the video.
Okay.
Did you see that?
Uh-huh.
See, I call that move
the Tornado.
No, stupid!
Look! The door, it moved.
You see?
Oh, wow.
Well, there is a rational
explanation for all that.
See, what happens is,
with the Tornado, right,
the vortex in
which I move my hips,
especially with
a downward motion,
it creates that vortex.
I'm surprised
the windows didn't
blow open.
You are stupid.
Sometimes it does that.
See, I'm working on a whole
natural disaster theme
for me and you.
We gonna start with
the Mudslide tonight.
Or the Earthquake.
Earthquake is crazy!
'Cause I just get in
and I shake up in there,
fast as I can. I just shake.
Malcolm!
Malcolm, come here,
please!
Quick!
What happened?
What happened?
Okay, so the glass was
on the counter,
and then it...
Something knocked it off!
How do you explain that?
Well, maybe you put it
on the edge of the counter,
and it just slipped off.
Last night,
it was the door, Malcolm.
And then, this morning,
the pot was on the floor.
Maybe it wasn't put
on the rack properly.
All right,
I'll take credit for that.
Lord knows you don't cook.
Oh, I love you, but stop.
Be careful.
You're gonna get
glass in your foot
and be trackin' blood
all through the house
like Bruce Willis
in Die Hard.
Do you believe
me now, Malcolm? Hmm?
Maybe it was your vortex.
Oh, God.
Did you hear that?
Nope.
What?
What about that?
That was just
the house settling.
No big thing.
Just go back to sleep.
Go back to sleep?
The wind?
What?
Negro, the windows
are closed!
Oh, hell, no! I'm out!
What? Malcolm!
Malcolm!
Really?
Oh, hell, no.
Malcolm, what are
you doing?
Bitch, there is a ghost
in the house. I'm out.
You can't leave.
You watch me.
Deuces.
Malcolm!
You all right?
Who am I kidding?
I can't sell a house
in this market.
"Immediate possession."
It's already possessed!
Hi, Chip.
I'm Kisha.
Hi.
Hi, I'm Chip the Psychic.
Come on in.
Nice. Nice.
Oh!
And you...
You must be Malcolm.
Mmm, yeah.
That's pretty good.
How did you know?
Uh, psychic.
See?
I have a lot of powers
all over my body.
Do you... You play basketball,
probably, a little bit, right?
No, not really.
You don't?
No.
Well, you got
the body for it.
You're lucky.
You're a lucky, lucky lady.
I'm gonna ask you
some questions.
You know, nothing cray.
Just real simple stuff.
Okay, how long
have you guys
been together?
Two years.
Yes.
Okay, Malcolm,
are you happy?
Yes.
Do you like
living with her?
Yes.
Have you been
with a man?
No.
Did you have
a good Halloween?
Yes.
Did you have
a good Christmas?
Yes.
Do you like movies?
Yeah.
Have you
been with a man?
Yeah...
No. What? No!
Did you have
a good Easter?
Yes.
Do you like booze?
Yes.
Do you eat food
every day?
Yes.
Have you
been with a man?
Yes. No, no!
I've never been with a man.
Okay, I'm just asking
'cause I'm just trying
to get to know you.
I've never been with a man.
I've never been with a man.
I've never been
with a man.
Would you stop being so...
I've never been
with a man!
Okay!
You don't have to
be loud and angry.
He keeps asking me if
I've been with a man!
I've never
been with a man!
Okay.
I'm trying to get to know you.
Have you been with a man?
I sleep on this
side of the bed.
Right.
She sleeps there.
Ick.
And, you know, we keep
the camera right there.
And one night,
we saw the door
kind of just, like...
Oh, wow. So there was
some paranormal over there.
No, she thinks
it's paranormal,
and I think it's
'cause of the Tornado.
'Cause I created a vortex.
What does that mean?
We was havin' sex,
and I was hittin' it.
I was like...
I was doing this round,
and I think the...
Hey, hey, hey!
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, you okay?
Yeah, sorry.
You all right?
I got light-headed
there for a second.
Okay. All right.
Yeah, no, I'm good.
Check out the door.
You know what?
There is some dark
energy over here.
Really?
Yeah. Wow, that's crazy.
- I didn't even...
- Oh!
We got a ghost.
Oh, my God,
it's got me!
It's got me!
It's got me!
It's got me!
Help! Help!
Hey, man!
Get off of me!
Oh, man!
Get off of me.
What are you doing?
I don't know
what just happened.
That was so scary.
Okay, you guys.
This is a simple
channeling exercise.
Okay.
This is creepy.
Shh.
All right, Kisha,
now just breathe.
Relax.
Do you feel anything?
No, not really.
What about you, Malcolm?
Just your dick in my back.
Well, that's a start.
Now, there are two kinds
of paranormal entities.
I specialize in
the good ones.
Okay, yeah, like
Casper the Friendly Ghost.
Oh!
Yeah, he's fun.
And also Patrick Swayze
from Ghost.
I love that movie.
Yes, that one was
really moving.
Especially with the clay,
and he'd work
the clay and just...
And he just
fuckin' has it, and...
Demons, though, are bad.
Those are pure,
pure, pure evil.
And they will pop up
at the worst possible times.
You know, like herpes.
What?
What are you
looking at me for?
All I'm saying is,
do not aggravate a demon.
Do not try to
contact them,
and whatever you do,
do not film them.
That will only
make things worse.
See? Don't film demons.
Very bad.
Okay.
Well, thanks a lot
for coming out, man.
Is there anything
you wanna get off
your chest?
Is there anything
you want to
put on my chest?
Huh?
Wait'll you see
the clay scene.
Wait, wait. Uh...
I have a confession
to make.
Yep, herpes!
I knew it.
Oh! Ick!
No, I don't!
But did I mention that I made
a deal with the devil
for a pair of
really cool Louboutins?
You made a deal
with the devil
for a pair of shoes?
Not shoes, Malcolm!
Louboutins, okay?
They've got red soles,
and they make my calves pop!
Well, I really
needed them, okay?
You are screwed, sista,
This demon is not
leaving this house
until it gets what it wants.
What's that?
Kisha.
You're fine, Malcolm.
Like, you're free to
be whoever you want.
It's a five-man
wrestling league.
I'm good.
It's so fun.
I bet it is.
It's not for me.
And everyone's
really good.
Really?
Yeah, no,
but it's competitive.
It's something that...
Oh, my God.
I'm getting mind powers.
Okay. All right.
I'm getting mind powers.
Malcolm, something
is going to happen to you
that is going to change you.
Don't fight it.
Whatever it is,
don't fight it, okay?
Okay, I won't.
I won't.
I can save you.
It's five guys.
We wrestle on Monday.
Okay.
I can save you.
No, thank you.
Save you!
God.
I think that went well.
We need to talk.
A demon, Kisha?
I'm sorry, Malcolm.
Why...
Why didn't you tell me this,
like, on the first date?
Because you never would have
gone out with me again.
Exactly!
How long has this
been happening to you?
Since I was a little kid.
What the shit is this?
And you say I
tape everything.
Mm. Mm-mm-mm.
Happy birthday, Kisha.
Mama loves you.
Ooh! To think you
almost didn't make it.
But good thing
that clinic was closed.
Ooh! God is good
all the time.
You are eight years ol.
Enjoy your birthday.
Sooner or later, you're gonna
come home from school one da.
"Where's stepdaddy?
Where's stepdaddy?"
And I'm gonna be gone.
Happy birthday, Kisha.
Make a wish.
Sit right there.
All right.
I wish Tony can
stay with me forev.
Who is Tony?
Who is Tony, baby?
He's my friend.
If you have friends,
they'd all be
gathered around here
drinking beer,
smoking cigarettes,
having a good time,
gambling,
playing cards
and stuff.
You gonna blow it out?
Or you just gonna
look at us crazy?
Dang.
She ain't all there.
Lookin' all crazy.
You crazy.
Look, look,
look, look, look.
She got a lazy eye.
Blow out
the candles, baby.
Tony, no!
You wanna throw cake
on my brand-new Betama?
You must be crazy!
Ow! It wasn't me.
It was Tony.
I'm-a beat the Ty
out of you then.
Ah, ah, ah.
Lamar, not so hard.
I won't beat my
own kids like th.
I know that's right.
Anything else
you wanna tell me?
Well,
about the herpes.
Baby, what are you doing?
Huh?
Oh, nothing. I'm just...
Just cleaning, that's all.
You ever get that
not-so-fresh feeling?
Seriously, we're gonna
have to talk about your lies.
Oh, that's fizzing.
It's fizzing.
It's herpes, Kisha.
This ain't
a cold sore, Kisha.
This is the real thing.
Ah! You did this to me.
Get a match!
Get the goddamn match!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
That hurt. Whoa!
What the hell?
What happened?
Did...
What'd you slap me for?
Was I snoring?
Kisha!
Kisha!
The hell?
Kisha.
Kisha.
What the hell?
Kisha.
Oh, shit!
Kisha, what the...
Kisha, what are you doing?
What? Oh, that is gross.
Wait! No, baby,
that milk is
three weeks old.
Oh! Baby.
Baby, what are you doing?
I'll run to the store.
We're out of milk.
I'll be right back.
No, no, you... No, no.
Give me that.
Honey, honey.
Where do you
keep the Pepto?
Oh, man.
Where do you
keep the Pepto?
My stomach hurts.
What are you doing?
I'm looking at
the tape from last night.
Honey, you make me feel good.
Okay. Maybe some sleep
will make you feel good.
Oh, my God.
I don't remember
doing any of this.
What am I doing?
Acting like a freak.
This is crazy.
Wait, look at this.
Check this out.
Something weird...
Weird-weird-weird
is going on.
Something weird
is going on.
Meow.
Honey, you make me
feel good.
Weird is going on.
Weird-weird-weird
is going on.
Whoo!
Weird-weird-weird-weird
is going on.
I'm a scary ghost!
I can't breathe.
Baby, you mad?
Baby.
Malcolm!
It's not a joke!
Come on. I'm just trying
to make light
of a bad situation.
Bad situation?
So, what,
now you're referring
to my moving in
as a bad situation?
I didn't have
a demon in my house
till you moved in.
What happened to,
"You're living with me now.
I'll protect you"?
From a burglar,
not a ghost!
You know what?
I ain't listening to this.
Where do you
think you're going?
Out.
Oh, okay!
So you're just gonna
leave me here alone?
Malcolm!
Malcolm!
Okay, I'm coming,
I'm coming, I'm coming!
What, what, what, what?
Look at this!
Oh, wow. What the...
Oh, Daddy!
Malcolm!
Oh, shit.
What kind of monster
would do this?
Uh, uh, baby,
you were right.
Listen, there is
an evil spirit
in this house.
I believe you.
I was so dumb.
Oh, shit. I feel it.
Oh, my God.
It's right there.
You feel that?
Feel it, feel it, feel it.
- It's cold, right?
- Oh, my God!
Baby, we have to
get rid of this menace
once and for all.
Ooh! The tape!
We can watch the tape.
Wait, no! No, no, no.
Don't watch the tape.
Don't watch the tape.
What?
Because it's just me
and you against him.
You evil spirit!
You leave this house alone!
Now!
You hear me?
You get out!
Get out, demon.
Get out!
Get out, get out, get out!
See, I believe you.
No.
I need you to shut up
once and for all.
Let's watch the tape.
I am shutting up! God!
Mm-hmm.
Hi, Daddy.
You want to come in here
and move in on my house? H?
You like
haunting people, huh?
I ain't scared of you.
Uh, baby? Um...
Fuck you, and fuck your daddy!
This is disturbing.
You don't want to see it.
I will break your arm.
You wanna watch TV?
Wow!
Oh. Oh, my.
See, that hurt. Lookee.
I got a boo-boo,
baby, right...
I don't care.
On my father's ashes!
Really?
You think you the shit?
I'll show you the shit.
Nasty! That is so nasty.
I will...
So, what did you do,
wipe your ass
with the curtains?
Baby, you didn't like
the curtains anyway.
You're an animal.
We'll get new curtains.
It's just curtains.
I'd be an animal
if I didn't wipe at all.
Baby!
This isn't gonna
prove any...
Yes, it is!
I swear that I
will listen to Kisha
whenever she says
strange things are going on
in the house.
And?
And...
And I swear that I won't
antagonize the ghost anymore.
Even though I didn't
bring him in the house.
And?
And I swear that
Kisha is the prettiest
and the sexiest
girl for never.
And?
And I promise I won't shit
in your daddy's ashes.
Louder!
I promise I won't shit
on Kisha's daddy's ashes
ever again.
Happy?
Yes.
Can I have my
video game back now?
No!
See, man?
Why are you putting
powder on the floor?
See, the powder
is gonna let me see
his footprints.
And you think
this is gonna work.
It did on Scooby-Doo.
Malcolm, did you
hear that?
Mm-hmm.
Then why are you
pretending to be asleep?
'Cause I know if I'm up,
where them
scary-ass noises
are coming from.
Get your black ass up.
See, man?
Kisha.
Camera.
Get the camera.
Get the camera.
Whose plan was
stupid now, Kisha? Hmm?
Pass me a bat.
A bat?
You're gonna use
a bat on a ghost?
I'm sorry. I left my
proton pack in the car.
Pass me the bat.
This ghost's got
some ugly-ass feet.
Looks more like an alien.
I don't wanna do it.
I don't wanna do it.
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
What?
Malcolm!
No, this... No.
This ain't what we do.
This is for white people.
Will you grow some balls!
This is for white people.
This ain't what niggers do.
We don't investigate.
We run. We run, we live.
If we was in a movie theater,
some black woman be screaming,
"Don't do it!
Don't do it, boy!
"He behind there.
He in there."
If we know he's in there,
why the fuck are
we going in there?
Come on, baby.
I don't want to do it.
Stop it.
What if it bites me?
It's not a zombie.
It's a ghost.
You wanna play?
That's right!
You hurt my mother.
You killed my mother.
That's right!
That's not helping.
It's not helping none.
You got this. Go.
You want some of this?
This is how we...
Get him!
Bust your...
Whoop that ghost's ass!
Turn on the lights!
Oh, my God! Rosa?
Rosa? Rosa! Rosa!
Si, senor! Que pasa?
Oh, my... I'm so sorry.
I thought you...
I... I didn't know.
I thought you was a ghost.
- Ghost?
- Or an alien.
I was talking
about your feet, not your
citizenship or lack thereof.
I quit.
See? Give me the camera!
Go fix this.
No! I'm not fixing nothing!
Oh, can't believe
Rosa quit.
Yeah, well, you know,
this is stressful
on all of us.
I think I might have
a little something
to help alleviate
some of that stress.
Take it. You hit it.
Yeah?
Now you gonna go spit
up the end and shit.
Hold it, hold it.
Damn!
Yay! Bravo.
Encore, encore.
I see a face in the chip.
It's got a mustache.
You're not moving...
Never get high.
...fast enough, Malcolm.
Never get high
with people that don't
know how to get high.
I'm baked.
Oh, shit.
Los Angeles County, 911.
My dick!
He fell for it!
No, I don't want to.
Okay. Okay, I'll do it.
Yeah! That's a shotgun
for your ass.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Is he gone?
Oh, he's gone.
Wow!
That's that Criss Angel
shit right there.
Yo, that ghost good.
That ghost good.
That ghost good.
That ghost good.
Oh, my God.
What?
That was awesome!
Disgusting!
Malcolm, wake up.
Mmm?
You peed the bed.
What?
You peed the bed.
Oh, shit! Oh!
Oh, that's...
That's not funny.
Oh, that's fucked up.
That's real fucked up.
Hey, Steve,
thanks a lot for bringing
the Ouija board over, man.
I really appreciate that.
Oh, no worries, bro.
- Hopefully...
- Hey, baby.
Oh, hey, Kisha,
the dinner was
so amazing.
The chicken was
unbelievably tender
and real juicy.
Oh, well, actually,
that was all Malcolm.
Was it now?
I'll be damned.
Well, thanks for
letting me nibble on the leg
because I love dark meat.
Mmm. Well, that is true.
She eats it up.
- I bet she does.
- She eats it all up.
Yeah.
You guys are
gonna love this wine.
It is a very robust red.
Yum.
Well, you know
what they say.
"The blacker the berry,
the sweeter the juice."
Mm-hmm.
Okay, y'all need to
cut this out.
Well, you know what?
Normally, we don't
have to chase this hard.
Mm-hmm.
Steve...
Hmm?
I was talking about
that stupid board.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Baby, I just want to
communicate with it.
Are you a ghost
or a demon?
Who's doing that?
Malcolm.
Who's doing that?
I don't know.
It's not me.
I swear to God.
"G."
You guys.
"O."
Steve, are you
pushing this?
I'm not doing anything.
Oh, what? "S."
Go where...
"T."
A "gost?"
What the hell
is a "gost"?
Oh, maybe he's
trying to spell "ghost."
Are you trying
to spell "ghost"?
You're doing that?
No. I'm not
moving it, I swear.
"Yes."
Wait. So, he just
spelled "ghost" "gost."
What kind of illiterate,
bitch-ass ghost is this?
Please. Can you please
use "gost" in a sentence?
Yeah, right.
Up yours,
you stupid "gost."
He probably dyslexic, too.
He probably
spells "boo," O-O-B.
Ooh!
Oh.
Oh.
Whoa, whoa!
Somebody's sensitive.
And stupid.
You know what?
I think we'll probably just
show ourselves out.
Good morning, honey.
Good morning.
Mmm.
Hey.
Mmm.
Well, all right.
Baby, that is
the best night's sleep
I've had since I moved in.
Well, maybe because you made
me sleep in the other room.
What are you
talking about?
We had
a breakthrough last night.
A breakthrough? Really?
Yes, Malcolm.
The way that you touched me,
caressed me, made love to me.
What are you
talking about?
Malcolm,
we had sex last night!
No, we didn't.
Yes, we did.
For about two hours!
Uh, that definitely
wasn't me.
Well, who else
could it have been?
No, get off of me!
Oh, my God.
Mmm.
Mmm, Malcolm.
What?
Ooh, that's new.
Oh.
Are you doing the alphabet?
Uh-uh, nigger,
clean your plate.
Come on.
Slob it down, slob it down.
Waterboarding your ass.
Mm, Malcolm.
Did you grow?
Ride the pony! Ride it. Oh!
Oh! Get it! Get it! Get it!
Oh, I've had it.
Oh, yeah! Dip it!
Dip it down!
Why don't I finish up...
I can't watch anymore.
I just can't watch anymore.
I'll finish.
Uh-uh, you ain't done yet.
I had no idea
you was a squirter.
Neither did I?
Hey.
Don't touch me.
You seriously
have an attitude
with me right now?
You liked it.
What?
You heard me.
You liked it.
You like having
sex with that thing
more than you like
having sex with me.
Malcolm, I was asleep.
Mm-hmm.
Talk to the hand.
I was...
That's the hand.
Talk to it.
I was asleep, okay?
I didn't know I was
having sex with a ghost.
Aha!
You just admitted
to having sex with a ghost!
And you liked it!
"Oh, Malcolm, you grew."
What happened, Kisha?
I'm not adequate
enough for you?
Huh? I'm sorry.
I tried Extense, Kisha.
Went through
the whole program.
I did Cialis,
Viagra and Maca.
Okay.
All it did was
get me dizzy,
you know...
Okay, stop it, all right?
That is not fair!
I was anally bleeding
for a month,
and you didn't even know.
Listen, that is not fair,
because I'm the one
who was violated,
not you.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Must have been
a horrific experience
for you.
I'm sorry.
Eh, could have been worse.
Hey, cuz... Ray-Ray.
You got a beef
up in here?
Lots of niggers.
Not beef. Hey...
Hey, what the fuck is
you taping for, Kisha?
We thugs.
We can't be on no TV!
Shut up, Ray-Ray.
Get the fuck off me.
Okay. Sorry.
So, what's going on
with this beef, homey?
It's that old bitch
next door,
ain't it, homey?
Yeah, she was
eyeballing me, cuz,
when I was all up
in her windowsill
last night.
But she got a nice body,
though, cuz.
You know, like a sexy-ass
baked potato, homey.
It's not like that.
What the fuck is it like,
then, homey?
Well, someone's coming
between me and Kisha.
Somebody fucked
your girl, cuz?
Well, not...
I be the one that
fucked your girl!
Oh, please.
How you let somebody
fuck your girl
before me, cuz?
We family, nigger!
I... I'm sorry... Kinda.
How the fuck do you "kinda"
bang Kisha, homey?
Did he have
one pant leg in,
one pant leg out?
Like,
he wasn't even interested
in fucking her, homey?
Like, he had somewhere
better to be, homey?
Okay, Ray-Ray,
that is not what it's like.
And can you
please tell your Negro
to back the hell up off me?
Hey! Pelvis back
But stay up
on her, though.
What the fuck is
it like then, Kisha? Hmm?
If you listen,
I'll tell you.
You tell me!
I can't wait to get
my hands on this fool.
- Come on out, cuz!
Ray-Ray, cut it out.
You're gonna make it mad.
I don't give a fuck, Kisha!
He should be worried about
making Ray-Ray mad
up in here, bitch!
Who you
callin' a bitch?
Show yourself!
No, Ray, don't do that!
Don't...
What the fuck is that?
A ghost, Ray.
A "ghost" ghost?
A "ghost" ghost.
Yes! Ray-Ray,
that's what
we've been trying
to tell you
for 15 minutes!
You idiot.
What the...
What in the hell...
What happened to
your furniture, cuz?
Get your hands up, cuz!
You're trying to
get me killed, cuz.
I didn't, Ray-Ray! Ray!
God!
My stuff!
Babe, you got to admit,
it's kind of impressive.
Perfume? Hey!
Yeah, it's new.
It's called Entity.
I like it.
What's the occasion?
What's up?
Malcolm, is it a crime
to want to sleep
with no panties on?
I get it. This...
This ain't for me.
This is for him.
Who are you
talking about?
You know exactly
who I'm talking about.
For your little
supernatural lover.
Malcolm,
you're being ridiculous,
and I'm gonna
say this right now.
Insecurity is
not attractive.
Yeah? Well,
being a paranormal
jump-off
is not attractive
either, hon.
Good night.
You're taking this
too far.
Whatever.
I have no interest
in a ghost.
You gonna try
and contact him?
Good night!
I was gonna...
Good night!
Get off of me!
Baby.
Hey!
Hey.
Hey.
What's...
What's up with the donut?
Oh, uh, I just got a little
hemorrhoid, that's all.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Hurts.
So, anything happen
eventful last night?
No, nothing eventful.
Just, you know, the usual.
Just, like, you know,
door slams, stuff like that.
Oh. I wanna see.
Nope, nope.
Nothing for you
to see, baby.
Wait! Baby!
Hey!
Can you... So rude!
Stop! Stop!
Hey! Malcolm!
Would you...
Cut it...
Just gotta do...
Oh, my!
You know what?
You...
You got altar-boyed.
You know what?
You can't...
Malcolm, hold on a second.
No, no, no, no, no!
You just uploaded it!
No, no, no!
Oh, no!
You're gonna be bigger than
Charlie Bit My Finger.
Say hello
to the camera.
Get the camera out my face.
I'm not in the mood. Stop it!
Now that you've been
touched by an angel,
suddenly you're camera shy?
Let me ask you
a question, Kisha.
Is this the first
ghost you slept with?
Or it's the first one
I caught you with?
You wanna go there?
Yeah, I wanna go there.
When did you
become ghost pussy?
Maybe I wouldn't need a ghost
if I was with a real man!
There are Super Bowl ads
that last longer than you do!
People wait all year
for those
Super Bowl ads, baby.
All year!
And maybe it's 'cause
every time I see you naked,
all I can think about is
you sitting on the toilet,
I'm sorry, Kisha.
Some things just
shouldn't be shared.
I let my guard down and...
Oh, you let
your guard down.
...you're gonna
throw it back in my face?
You killed my dog!
You have not let this go!
Yeah, let's go there.
I did not kill your dog!
You dog murderer.
That was my baby,
and you killed it
on purpose!
Oh, your baby was
Shh.
Okay.
Okay.
All right, come on.
Let's go outside.
Okay. Okay.
Come on.
Okay. Go!
Okay.
Well, you heard the psychic,
all right?
It feeds off of
negative energy.
All of your arguing
is making it stronger.
My arguing?
My arguing?
You're the one that...
That's right.
We have to
stop fighting.
I can't.
You are getting
on my nerves.
Well, just pretend.
Good thing we
switched to plastic.
We'll have to get
that pot rack looked at.
Mm-hmm.
Tea's ready.
Mmm.
I'm gonna make
a run to Starbucks.
Can you pick me
up a latte?
You got it!
Malcolm!
Yeah! I kicked you
in your ghost balls!
I got some for you...
Malcolm!
Wake up!
Nigger, open your eyes!
Take off those
damn headphones!
Malcolm!
Malcolm!
Malcolm!
Yeah, listen.
Something's wrong
with Kisha.
No, no, she's been
cleaning all morning.
Dude, Kisha don't clean.
That's good, baby.
Not the couch, honey!
Not the couch.
Not the couch.
Yes, the floor.
Yeah, good girl, good girl.
Yo, man, earlier,
I caught her masturbating
with a crucifix.
Kisha?
Wouldn't you rather
use this?
Okay.
Exactly. I'm...
Uh, dude, I gotta go.
No, she's
walking the dog.
What's wrong with that?
The dog is dead.
I gotta go.
Uh, Kisha?
Kisha. Oh, boy. Kisha!
Kisha? Baby?
Listen,
I just wanted to apologize
for the way I been acting.
and I don't want anything
to come between us.
And what the hell is that
Twilightshit on your neck?
Oh, my God! Oh, God!
What the hell?
Oh, yeah.
She is definitely on the rag.
Oh, Father.
Thank God you could make it.
Nigger, call me "Doug."
I don't like being
called "Father." No way.
Plus, I got a couple issues
with a few people out there
claiming false child support.
I mean,
just 'cause the little
nigger got my eyes,
my nose, my extremely rare
AB-negative blood type,
don't mean I'm
the damn daddy.
Plus, I'm still in training.
At the seminary?
No, the penitentiary.
What?
Shit, nigger,
I've been
incarcerated 15 years.
Oh.
But you learn a lot out there
reading on the yard.
You shank a nigger,
come in,
read the scripture.
Shank a motherfucker,
read the scripture.
You gonna let
a nigger in or what?
Damn.
Standing out here, nigger.
It's cold as hell.
Ooh.
Uh, bro, I'm gonna have
to level with you.
This bitch don't look right.
I mean, she look all
ashy and shit, and just...
You know, like E.T.
with a weave.
If I was you,
I'd just be out.
Let's just go.
Come on. Let's go.
Uh, I...
I can't leave her.
That's my girl.
Are you kidding me?
Come on, man.
There's so much
pussy in the world, man.
You don't have to
be with just her.
Come to the congregation.
I've got a few in
the congregation,
I'm trying to tell you.
Check this out.
Now, I know she look old.
I know she...
But she a freak,
and she got skills.
Can we go in there
and just save her?
Yo! Yo, dawg,
you yelling at me
right now?
I know you just
didn't scream on me, dawg.
I'm here to
exorcise your bitch, man.
So you wanna
go in the room.
All the way in?
Look at her hair.
Her hair's all crazy.
You think I'm scared
right now, but I'm not.
I didn't think
you was scared.
No, I'm just
a little concerned
that I don't have
the right stuff.
Do you have,
like, a loaded gun?
I'll shank this bitch
for you.
It's cold as
a motherfucker in here, man.
Y'all ain't got no heat?
How you doing,
crazy bitch?
Kisha.
Kisha, I'm Father Doug.
I'm here to
un-possess you.
Wait a minute.
She's moving.
This is some
crazy-ass shit, man.
Who are you?
I wasn't
expecting her to talk.
I'm Father Doug.
Connect the cut.
Connect the cut.
Connect the cut.
Connect the cut.
Connect the cut.
Oh, oh, that's some of that
Busta Rhymes shit
she doin' right there.
She's on that Bus A Bus.
It's kinda more
like Twista, though.
It's real fast.
Do you know how to
connect the cuts?
Uh, uh, uh.
Tic-tac-toe in your face!
Straight X's,
straight across, diagonal.
I almost had your
ass the other way.
Tic-tac-toe on your arm,
connect the cuts.
That's what she was saying,
"Connect the cuts."
I wanna show you something.
"Suck it." That's gangsta!
That's gangsta.
You wanna see mine?
Check this out.
I did a little something
a while back.
I did that in prison.
Yeah, you know,
it hurt. But, you know,
you gotta go through it.
You gotta earn it.
Everybody went crazy.
They was like,
"No, you didn't!
You so hard, dawg!"
I had control of
that TV for a month.
Would you like to
see my paintings?
Sure. Of course.
You know, I consider myself
a bit of an art aficionado.
I think it's going well.
It's going good.
Mm-hmm.
If, uh...
Well, you know, if I can be
perfectly honest with you,
it's your
technique that's sloppy.
But that's, you know,
to be expected from someone
that's possessed.
Hmm?
Ah!
Damn, that made
my breath stink.
Man, that breath is kickin'!
I can only imagine
what the kitty smell like.
Pure evil.
Goddamn.
I'm Dan "the Man" Kearney
and today on Ghost Guys
we're investigating
paranormal activity
at the Johnson residence
in suburban Los Angeles.
This is going be
very unsettling.
Not like those other
fake ghost hunter shows.
This stuff is real.
And I don't mean like,
"I saw my dead nana" scary,
but scary like,
"I left a bag of meth
in the glove box
"and I'm getting
pulled up by the cops
"and I got a hot pipe
under the seat."
That kind of scary.
Let's go inside.
All right,
on behalf of Ghost Guys,
the greatest ghost-hunter
show on the Internet
or cable access,
I'd like to thank you
for having us.
You've made a good choice.
You're welcome.
Thank you very
much for coming.
Malcolm, Malcolm,
I'm not sure about this.
I mean, this guy, sure.
But Sling Blade there,
don't trust him.
You said you needed
ghost hunters right?
I also said I
needed a psychic.
Chip, hey, what's up?
What's going on?
What are you doing here?
I'm a psychic,
I sensed you
needed my help.
I do.
There's a new person.
Yeah, that's Bob.
Come on, let's go.
Hey, there's something
different about you.
Something new.
I can't quite put
my finger in you.
On you. On it.
Haircut.
Someone's got a secret.
No, I don't. Come on.
Hey, guys.
Gentlemen,
what we have here
is a crazy bitch.
Now, I would leave
her possessed ass
in the alley downtown
if it was me,
but apparently,
Malcolm's got
a thing for the freak.
Holy shit.
So, what you're saying is,
there's an actual
demon here in the house?
It's in the bitch.
I'm sorry, "ho."
No disrespect.
"Bitch" is fine.
"Bitch" is fine.
All right,
this is what I'm getting.
The entity does not want
to leave this house,
okay?
It's struggling
to stay inside.
And Malcolm,
I need to know.
How far are you gonna go
to get this demon out?
I'll do anything.
I don't see how
this is gonna help anything.
This just got weird.
What is this
supposed to do?
Um... Nothing.
I was just trying to see
how far you would go.
What did I tell you?
I think she looks fine.
Clearly does not
look fine.
She looks fucked up.
I'm gonna need my Bible.
You're gonna bless her?
Well, yeah,
I blessed this joint.
Mm-hmm.
Right out of
the First Chronicles.
I haven't done many exorcisms,
but I don't think
that's appropriate.
I get it, I get it.
I can fix that,
though, right now.
I got a little something.
What's going on?
That's a demon party.
Yeah, look out.
What is this, 1985?
'Cause I feel like
we could exorcise
any demons in the area.
What? I'll take on
a whole team of demons.
What we should do is
get all the demons
in one room
and get rid of them
all at once.
Do a collective
demon-gathering.
We just walk up
to people's doors,
"How you doing?
How you doing?"
"We heard y'all got
demons up in there.
What's up?"
I used to braid hair.
I could actually
braid her hair right now.
I'll be hitting her
with some Allen Iversons
and stuff.
I'll give her
some Sprewells.
I'll take it back.
Let's do
a little exorcism.
All right,
"Blessed is he
"who, in the name of
charity and goodwill,
"shepherds the weak
through
the valley of darkness.
"For he is truly
his brother's keeper
"and the finder
of lost children.
"And you will know
my name is the Lord
"when I lay my
vengeance upon you!"
Did you just quote
Sam Jackson in Pulp Fiction?
You got that.
You got me on that.
You got me on that one!
I love Sam Jackson, dawg.
The Jheri curl
will be dripping
and everything.
Plus, on the plane movie.
When he was on the plane
and he killed the snakes.
That's my favorite movie.
"Enough is enough!
"I have had it with these
motherfucking snakes
"on this
motherfucking plane!"
Hey, all right!
That's what I'm
talking about.
Guys!
All right, all right!
Exorcism. That's what
we're here for, right?
Yes, go back to the thing
that got us here
in the first place.
Where we met.
My man!
By the powers
vested to me,
that somebody gave me
while I was locked up,
from
the correctional institution
in Lompoc, that's up north...
I want the demon that's
in you to come out
and holler at a brother.
Demon, come up
out of Kisha, demon.
Come out!
Just come out!
Come up out of Kisha!
Come up
out of there, demon.
Come out! Come out!
Come out!
Come out!
Hey! I'm not the one
with the demon, she is.
We all have demons, Malcolm.
I know what
you did last summer.
You better not do this.
Let her go, she's fat.
Kisha! Kisha!
Kisha! Oh, my God.
Kisha?
Kisha?
Oh, hey, buddy,
you made it.
Grab a finger sandwich,
they're delish!
About time you
came up in here.
'Cause there ain't no party
like a mandingo party.
'Cause a mandingo
party don't stop.
Drink up, sweetheart.
You need some water?
Where are you going?
Hey, don't let her down.
It's her birthday.
Oh, God.
Hey, did you find Kisha?
Uh, no,
she's not in there.
You sure?
What's going on in there?
Uh, nothing at all.
Is that a mandingo party?
No.
Man, I wanna get
my Kunta Kinte on.
Kisha?
Kisha?
Oh, shit!
Baby?
Oh, my God!
What did you do?
Shit, I did you a favor.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, Rosa!
I just wanted my
last check, Malcolm.
Oh, my God,
you shot my housekeeper.
You mean,
your ex-housekeeper.
Look, man, the bitch can't be
jumping out on me like that.
You ain't gonna
tell nobody, right?
I got warrants.
Hurry, she's in here.
Come on, guys.
Kisha!
We got her cornered.
Baby.
Father, do something.
Oh, my God!
Man, that demon
is a freak.
Yeah, the crazy ones
always got the best pussy.
The moon landing was fake.
What?
Biggie and Tupac
are alive.
Paul Ryan will be
the next president.
The demon lies.
Well, except for
the thing about Tupac.
He is alive.
He's got a new
album coming out.
What the fuck
is going on here?
There's an exorcism
happening, people!
The power of
Christ compels you.
The power of
Christ compels you.
No, it's a new cologne
from Khloe and Lamar.
It's unisex.
I can smell Lamar.
Get her!
Baby!
Oh! She knows some of
that Spider-Man shit!
Oh, my God!
It's got me!
Chip!
I'm afraid of the dark.
Why do have your
hand on my balls?
I'm protecting
them from spirits.
Get off of me!
There she is!
She's going to the basement.
Bobby? Oh, my God!
Bobby, my brother's gone!
Oh, my God! Let's go!
- Bobby?
- Bobby?
Bobby?
This is dark.
I don't wanna
go down here.
Kisha!
Look at all these
weird markings.
Kisha was here.
She has a sign.
Bobby!
Oh, my God! She got Bobby!
Actually, that's
just Bobby taking a pee.
What?
Oh, come on, that's gross.
Kisha!
Kisha.
Kisha.
Show yourself.
Baby? Come on,
you gotta stay close.
What is this,
a Shake Weight
and a Thighmaster?
Nice.
Back the train up.
You got a Flowbee?
Hey, it all looks good
at 2:00 in the morning, okay?
Hey, look, Malcolm,
one's white and one's black.
- Guess which one you are.
- Black one.
What the hell?
Can we just go
find my girl, please?
Thank you.
Kisha!
Bobby!
Would you shut the fuck up?
What are you doing?
Come on.
Go, go, go.
What was that?
Christ,
that bitch is scary.
I dropped the camera!
Fellas?
Kisha.
Malcolm? Malcolm?
It's me, Chip the Psychic.
Malcolm?
It's me, Chip.
Yoo-hoo.
- Okay, I found the camera.
- What are you guys doing?
This shit is real, son.
Yeah.
Chip, why are you naked?
What the hell?
Hey!
It got really hot in here.
Oh, no. Where's Bobby?
Found my Walkman.
Kisha? Baby, are you okay?
- Leave her alone.
- Don't touch her.
Why?
'Cause she's like
that witch in Left 4 Dead
sitting in the corner
crying like that.
You touch her,
she gonna attack your ass.
I can't just
leave her, man.
Kisha? Baby?
It'll be okay, all right?
Get off my man, bitch!
You wanna fight?
Take that, demon!
Elbow smash!
Ooh!
Harder!
Beast!
Take that, demon!
Fucking bitch, take that.
That demon can
take a punch.
That's enough.
- Baby?
- Malcolm.
I think she's okay.
Maybe not!
I won't tell on you,
you don't tell on me.
Understand me?
You weren't here,
I wasn't here.
I'll take the blame.
I'll take the blame.
Okay, good. Hey!
Man, put some clothes on!
Hey.
Hey.
You know what?
This Angry Birds
is kind of fun.
I told you.
I like it.
Look at you
looking all pretty.
Oh, this?
It's just a little something
I put on for my man.
Oh, lucky him.
Oh. Ow...
Malcolm.
What? What? What?
My ribs are
still a little sore.
I'm sorry.
We did beat the hell
out of you, girl.
We was just trying
to get the demon out.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry for bringing
that thing into your house.
Our house.
Mmm!
Malcolm?
Is the camera on?
Mm-hmm?
Fine.
Good.
Come here.
Take like that,
take it like that.
Oh, my God,
I hit the bottom.
Oh, yeah, take that.
Who's your dirty daddy?
Oh, God.
- I got a cramp.
- Don't touch it.
Malcolm!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm coming.
Shit.
Malcolm!
I heard you
the first time.
Damn.
She's gone.
Yeah, baby, I lived!
I lived.
In your face.
In your face!
You thought you'd
move into my house
and kill me?
What?
She's right behind me,
isn't she?
Oh, yeah.
We gonna need a wide angle
for some of
these aerial tricks.
All right, I call
this one "The Superman."
Pile driver!
Take that.
Take that.
Oh! Oh!
Can I get you
something to drink, Father?
Yeah, Hennessy, straight.
Oh, you got Hpnotiq?
I like to mix them.
Uh, I was
talking about water.
Water?
I don't drink that bullshit.
What the fuck?
Yeah, my show is
gonna be huge.
I'm gonna get my house back.
I'm gonna get a girlfriend.
I'm gonna be successful.
Did you just hope
and dream out loud?
All hopes and dreams
are out loud.
That's the camera show.
Oh, this is called "68,"
and I owe you one.
You're crazy, girl.
Yeah, I'll fart in your face.
Take that.
Now we gonna make some love.
But I ain't gonna
kiss you on your mouth
'cause I just
farted in your face.
Here's the thing.
A lot of people
think penises are scary.
They're not,
unless it has a gun.
Then that's horrifying.
don't carry a gun.
Oh, my God. What?
That's a fact.
But I'm gonna
tell you this,
don't ever,
ever let a man put
his hands on you.
Unless he
paying the bills. Aah!
Domestic violence
is amazing.
Gonna burn me.
I'm sorry. Shh. Shh.
Take it.
Ooh.
Ooh!
This is one bad
picture right here, nigger.
This a fine motherfucker
right here, boy.
This is dope.
You know what
I'd do with this?
Do you know what
I'd do with this?
All this area,
all this carpet,
this ottoman,
I'd be all over it.
What are these?
Those are my boxers.
Fascinating.
Oh, yes.
His methods are
so unorthodox.
That's my girlfriend.
Ah...
Kisha.
That's a crazy
bitch name all day.
You can google it.
Top five crazy bitch names.
Kisha, Alisha, Djuana.
You say that out loud,
and you're
already scared, right?
Are you done?
Let's go.
Let's go save the bitch.
stupid thing workin'?
See, that's that bullshit.
I'm taking this shit
right back to Best Buy.
Or not.
Stupid lens cap.
Wow!
Brand-new camera.
I'm filming
everything with this.
Christmas, New Year's,
vagina.
All right.
Today is the big day.
My girlfriend
Kisha's moving in.
Now, all my boys
keep telling me,
"Don't do it, don't do it,
"because everything's
gonna change.
"She's gonna take
over your house.
"She's never
gonna cook again.
"And worst of all,
"you're putting
your dick in jail."
I think they're trippin'.
Once she moves in,
everything's gonna
be perfect.
Place looks nice.
Baby boy cleaned up
for you, huh?
Oh, shit!
Rosa!
Hey, you gotta
announce yourself.
You can't just
creep up on me.
Aw, come on.
This is my
housekeeper, Rosa.
Say hi. Say hi.
Say hi!
Hi! Hola.
Say "Hola." Hola.
Bye-bye!
Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay!
Do this.
Oh!
I'm a big bambino?
You know I love you.
Hey, Shiloh!
Say hi to Mommy.
I'm gonna hump you
on your leg, Kisha.
That's right.
And I'm gonna lick you
all over your face
with my dog-ball mouth.
Oh, shit.
Here she comes.
Hi, baby!
Hey, baby! Hi!
No, no, Shiloh!
Wait! No, no, no, no!
Shiloh! What did you do?
I didn't see him!
What did you do?
I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God!
Shiloh, come on, breathe.
Maybe he's
just playing dead.
He doesn't know
how to play dead.
He knows how to shake hands.
He knows how to fetch.
He knows how to roll over.
He don't know
how to play dead.
Come on, Shiloh, breathe.
One, two, three.
Breathe.
Aww!
Give me
the jumper cables.
The jumper cables?
Give me
the goddamn jumper cables!
Don't you die on me!
Start the car!
Clear! Go!
Oh, shit!
Meet me at the hospital!
The hospital's that way!
Don't go towards
the light, Shiloh!
You're in
a better place now, buddy.
I'm so, so sorry.
It's okay, baby.
It's...
It's not your fault.
Yes, it is.
You know, look...
Look on the bright side.
I'm allergic to dogs.
I know, but that's what
was so great about Shiloh.
He was hypoallergenic.
Shiloh!
Oh, my God!
Look at all this shit.
Okay, Malcolm,
this is the last box.
What's with the camera?
I'm documenting
our lives together.
Say hi.
Hi! Okay. Mmm.
That ass
lookin' nice, baby.
Hey, hey.
Pan up, pan up.
I see that.
Baby, you are officially
a hoarder.
I swear to God, I'm gonna
open one of these boxes
and find, like, a dead cat
and an old
baloney sandwich in it.
Ha, ha, ha.
Very funny.
Oh, my God.
Do you need these?
Yes! These are...
For what?
These are good
wedding shoes!
One to 10, what are you
feeling right now about that?
Um, 8.7.
What do you
feel about that?
Nine. Nine.
No, wait! Come on. Come on.
What's this? Hold on.
This is a box that my aunt
brought from Kenya.
This is a nine, too.
Oh, my God!
Hi, my name is Kisha Davis,
and I'm a hoarder.
There's shame.
Oh, wow.
Are these
your daddy's ashes?
Yes, Malcolm.
They go where I go.
So, we're gonna
have his ghost
watching over us?
Just put him in
the other room.
He likes to watch TV.
He's dead.
What's he gonna watch?
American Horror Story?
Okay, babe,
these video games,
they have to go.
Wait. Leave my
video games alone.
They're tacky.
- I'm not gonna break it.
- Give me my camera!
"Negra?"Did she
just call me a nigger?
What? What?
I will lambada your ass!
English! English!
Speak English!
Baby. Baby. Baby!
You know she
don't like me, right?
Oh, I know
what's going on here.
You got some
Schwarzenegger stuff
going on in here, right?
Really?
Yeah, okay, yeah.
Yeah, we're gonna
have a nappy-haired baby
that speaks perfect Spanish.
Come on.
Think about it.
Okay.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Hungry there, buddy?
Mm-hmm.
You're over there eating
like the Cookie Monster.
Can I just enjoy
my food, please?
Wow. Somebody's crabby.
I'm sorry.
I'm just tired.
I haven't been sleeping well.
I keep hearing these noises.
Scary.
Well, you don't have
to be afraid, okay?
'Cause you're
living with me now.
And nobody's gonna
hurt you on my watch.
Okay?
Okay.
Unless the nigger
got a gun.
Then you on your own.
What?
Hey, baby, what you doin'?
Well, it's time to
put on something
a little more comfortable.
Aha! That's what
I'm talkin' about!
Fellas,
get out your pen and pads.
We about to give
you a sex tutorial.
Let's do this.
Mmm. Oh.
Yeah.
Oh, you got the beat!
Oh! Stop.
Stop. Not yet. Not... Ahh!
You gonna bring
a friend there, huh?
Ah. Ah.
Uh-huh? Watch that.
Uh-huh.
Now you get some, yeah.
Watch. Watch.
Ah, taste that.
Look at Daddy. Uh-huh.
Two dogs, one duck.
Get it nasty.
You nasty.
Go home.
I want you by myself. Yeah.
Shh.
Oh. Oh, shit!
That's still hot!
Shut up. Take it.
You just take it.
Take it, take it, take it.
Baby!
Yeah, baby?
I cannot believe
this is our first night
living together!
Yeah. It's nice, huh?
Uh-huh.
I can't wait to
lie next to you.
Oh, me, too.
Gotta go, baby.
It was fun.
Whoo!
Get in.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Here I come!
Okay, honey.
Baby, you are
the sexiest woman...
What the hell?
You know, Malcolm,
not everybody goes to bed
looking like a supermodel.
Apparently not.
You know?
Besides,
what is wrong
with my outfit?
Nothin',
if you lived in a box
underneath the freeway.
What?
Come on!
Hold the sign up,
please?
Can I go to bed?
No, you gotta
get the joke first!
Come on.
All right.
Okay, fine.
Okay. I'm ready.
All right. Go ahead.
Spare change?
You stupid!
I love you.
Good night.
God!
How could someone
so cute be so stink?
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Oh, really?
Oh, God!
What crawled up
your ass and died?
Shit!
Really?
You ain't
allowed to move in here
and do this shit.
Mm-mmm.
Mm-mmm.
Ugh!
Aah!
It's alive! What?
Oh! Oh! Oh, fuck!
Oh!
I heard that.
So, we didn't
have sex last night.
Kisha didn't cook,
and she killed my dog.
But other than that,
I guess this moving-in thing
is gonna be pretty cool.
Malcolm! Malcolm!
What's up?
My keys are on the floor.
Okay.
Malcolm.
What?
Something weird
is going on here.
If you mean
something weird
like you farting
in your sleep,
yes, there is.
No, no.
I think we have a ghost.
A ghost?
Yeah, okay.
No, you have a ghost
in your ass.
I wanna bring a psychic
to tell us what's going on.
A psychic?
Ah, come on, Kish.
That's ridiculous.
Look, I'll tell you
what's going on, okay?
Some neighborhood kid
came in here,
stole something
out of your purse,
and then he left...
No. See, if anyone
is stealing anything,
it is you-know-who, okay?
Hey, girl!
Okay, we have no idea
what she's doing
when we're not here.
Why is she
always wearing gloves?
Okay, fine.
I'll take care of it.
Guilty.
Hey, I'm Dan
the Security Man.
Hey, how you doin'?
Nice to meet you.
Hey, I'm sorry, buddy.
I didn't see you back there.
That's my associate, Bob.
Actually, he's my brother.
He's a simple...
He used to
play in the dryer.
We turned it on once.
Whoa, whoa!
Hey, yo,
you better back up!
What's the problem?
We're here to
install cameras.
Yeah.
Not to be filmed
on camera.
'Cause I'm doing
my own reality show.
Well, I'm not
signing anything.
And I can't write.
He can't write.
Blur this out.
Mosaic.
Okay.
What is he doing?
Is the owner home?
You're talking to him.
Yeah, right!
Wow.
Oh. Wow. Okay.
All right. Now, that camera
covers your entire backyard.
It's cool.
Let's say you and the missus
are having
a pool party, right?
You know, you're grilling up
some fried chicken,
probably some ribs.
Hot wings,
some pig knuckle,
strimps.
You know,
maybe some corn bread.
I'd say watermelon,
but that might
be racist, right?
Corn bread was
pretty close.
Not really.
Country folks
eat corn bread.
Can I say it?
You talking
about the "N" word?
Yeah.
No. It's not appropriate.
I see.
Are you...
Is he serious?
You can call me
a cracker.
I don't want to.
I just want...
Let me say it.
If you say it, I'm going to
punch you in your face.
Anyway...
Wow.
Maybe later things
get a little freaky.
You and the
old lady in the 'cuzzi,
buck naked, right?
Little Black Mamba's
ready to strike.
That camera will
catch all of it.
Nice!
So, all you gotta do,
go upstairs,
clickity-clack
on the computer,
beat off to the highlights.
Yeah.
Holler!
Holler!
Do it.
No.
Holler!
Are you really gonna
make me do this here?
Camera Guys.
Holler!
Got you all tied in.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, just hit
the space bar, the mouse,
you flash from the kitchen.
Mm-hmm?
Entryway.
Backyard.
Living room.
I even tied in the webcam.
Nice.
Yeah.
Oh, I like that.
That's cool.
Here's something
you wanna think about.
You can remote
access these things
from wherever you are.
I can set that up if you want.
Just give me your pass code.
No. Not gonna happen.
Good choice.
Nice try.
But you could set that up
if you want to.
You're out of town
on a business trip,
you might wanna
check up on the missus,
make sure she's safe.
Right.
Or whatever she's doing!
Yeah.
You know,
girls, they like to have
a girls' time when
you're out of town.
And why wouldn't they,
you know?
You don't
expect things like...
You know, she's
spread eagle on the floor,
banging the mailman.
"Special delivery!"
Not on our bed!
You dirty bird!
In front of the dog!
Is he serious?
Oh, the dog's so upset!
I mean, you know,
you're at a security
convention in Albuquerque
screaming at the top of
your lungs at a Quality Inn!
I remember Albuquerque.
You can't scratch your way
through the camera!
Kinda reminds me,
I gotta mail out some bills
before the
end of the month.
Uh, it's okay, man.
It's okay.
Bobby, you better not
be recording.
Uh, Bobby?
Yeah, I got
the whole thing.
Don't do this shit
in my house.
It's okay. Okay.
All right. I understand.
Okay.
Why are you installing
all these
security cameras anyway?
Uh, we may have
a burglar.
Or a ghost.
A burglar.
Ghost.
Well, it just so happens
I have my own ghost hunter
reality show.
Do you wanna know
what it's called?
I got one, too.
Wild guess, American Ghost?
Wrong!
Ghost Guys.
It is trademarked,
so don't get
any funny ideas.
I definitely won't.
All right. See ya.
Yeah!
You know they're
shooting porn in there.
Really?
No way he owns it.
Malcolm, what is that?
Well, I paid those
camera guys all this money
and they left a big-ass
blind spot inside the hallway.
So you decided to
break my fan and rig up
this ridiculous camera?
Yep.
Call me "Nigyver."
Wow.
Cool.
All right, baby.
Come on.
All right.
All right.
- I'm so hungry.
- Me, too. Starving.
Okay, Rosa.
We're leaving.
Buenas tardes, senores.
Okay.
It's crazy, right?
These stupid motherfuckers
don't think I speak English!
Hmm.
Yo, I got a nice pool.
You want to come on down?
Yeah, we got a Jacuzzi.
Que pasa?
Ay, Dios mio!
Whoo! Dios mio!
Whoo!
Hey, Rosa. We're back.
Hola!
Ah!
Si!
Yo tambien.
I don't know
what you saying.
Mm-hmm!
- Baby!
- What?
Look at how
she's swimming.
Hey, Steve.
Steve, look.
Check this out.
Black girl don't like
getting her hair wet.
Hey, hey, hey!
Malcolm, cut that shit out!
Just got my hair did.
You know that.
You're looking
good over there, baby.
Hey, show us your tits.
What?
Show us your tits!
Whoa, whoa.
No, no, no, no, no!
I knew she would do it.
You like that?
No, no. That was awkward.
Oh, yeah? But did you
like it a little bit?
They're cockeyed.
Yeah, I know.
One's bigger
than the other one.
That way you can
have a favorite.
Baby?
- No!
- Whoo!
Your head's
gonna get pregnant!
Let's do reverse.
Wow, man, I am loving
this camera of yours.
This is really cool.
I bet you're shooting
all kinds of extracurricular
activities with this camera.
Actually, I'm not.
You aren't?
None.
You're not?
You know, ever since
Kisha moved in,
I haven't seen
no parts of the vagina.
No!
It's like she moved in,
and her vagina
moved out the same day.
You gotta be kidding me!
Yeah.
That makes me angry.
Not as angry as
it makes my penis.
Well, I am angry
for your penis.
Mr. Happy is
not so happy.
Oh, that's infuriating.
Yeah, man.
Yeah, man.
It makes me very upset
to hear that.
But you know,
there is something
you can do
to spice it up
if you want to.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
What?
Well, you know how, like,
if you get tired
of driving your car,
you might
test-drive a new car?
Mm-hmm.
Maybe you would
even let somebody else
drive your car
for a little while,
you know?
Get a whole new
appreciation of your vehicle
when you do that.
Are you talking about
swapping girlfriends?
- What? No!
- Excuse me?
Oh, wow!
I don't know where you
were goin' with that!
Oh, wow!
I was talking about cars!
My bad.
You would never do it?
I would absolutely
never do it.
Me neither.
Me neither.
What kind of pervert
does that?
That's what you
would have to be.
It takes a pervert
to swap girlfriends.
You never have done it,
and you never would, huh?
No, Steve.
Even if you got drunk enough
or something like that?
Like, you might have a few
too many drinks and say,
"Why not?
Let's give it a try,"
if there was a couple
that was into it.
No.
No. Yeah, me neither.
That's how I feel.
But even, like, maybe
if you got a little high,
maybe on a Saturday night
or something like that,
and you were like...
Even then.
Yeah. Like, even if
this couple was, like,
up for anything
and raring to go,
and she was hot to trot,
like, a hot, hot lady.
It wouldn't matter.
You wouldn't do it, right?
Nigger, no.
Same here.
We're in agreement.
It's crazy to swap
girlfriends like that.
I am with you 100%.
Steve, want a beer?
Hey, babe, did you
tell Steve we have a ghost?
We don't have a ghost.
A ghost?
Yeah.
Awesome.
We don't have a ghost.
No, Jenny, it's not cool.
We don't have a ghost.
You thought it
was cool in college.
We did a seance
and everything!
A seance?
Oh, yeah. That's right.
You did a seance?
Yes.
Honey, it's college.
You do a lot of silly stuff.
Yeah.
Like that time we
got drunk and made out.
Oh, it's all hazy.
You know, college,
it's like a big fog.
We're gonna talk
about these college days.
Yeah, yeah.
A hazy, sexy fog,
it sounds like.
Wouldn't it be great if
we all spent the night?
Together?
Well, that's an
interesting idea.
What do you think
of that, Malcolm?
- A naked sleepover?
- No.
No?
It's weird.
Yeah, but it's definitely
gonna be weird.
But are you saying
weird good or weird bad?
Weird bad, Steve.
Okay.
All right, you guys.
It's been real.
Listen,
I know a great psychic
if you need one.
Okay.
He told me
I'd be surrounded
by big, black spirits
in my near future.
Vaginas crossed.
Yeah, okay.
Right? Goodbye!
Well.
Listen, before we go,
I just wanna talk to
you about something,
'cause Jenny's got
a birthday coming up.
I wanna do something real
special for her, you know.
I was thinking maybe you could
invite a couple of guys over,
like your cousin Ray-Ray,
maybe?
that he hangs out with,
you know?
Jamal, and Hakim,
and Anforny, you know?
Just the six of us, right?
We'll have some fun.
We'll double stuff
the Oreo a little bit, huh?
Dirty up the white snow?
Black poles, white holes.
You know, maybe all pile on
the little white rabbit,
right, you know?
Are you talking
about a mandingo party?
What? A what?
Excuse me!
I mean, I'm really,
uh, not into that.
But if you're into that...
Um, I'm...
Well, we might be able
to work something out
Hey, buddy, I mean...
Okay, bye, Steve.
Oh!
Oh, wow.
That's beautiful.
Okay, Jenny.
Okay, honey, come on.
Come on, honey, come in.
You're lucky.
She is luckier.
Bye, guys. Bye!
All right.
Okay. All right.
I think
Jenny and Steve
are swingers.
You think? Wow.
This looks like
a ghetto Rite Aid.
Wrong Aid.
Oh, shit!
Did somebody shave a yeti?
Very funny.
I shaved my legs.
With what,
a weed whacker?
Wow. That's like
Apollo Creed's chest hairs.
That is crazy.
Oh! Hey!
Malcolm, come on!
Dude, turn that off.
Get out of here.
You got to close this.
Stop it!
I'm claustrophobic, okay?
Yeah? Well,
I'm ass-trophobic.
You know what, Malcolm?
What?
Love it or leave it, okay?
Here. Here.
Take it, okay?
It's oak-y.
It's... It's full-bodied.
I believe it's open.
Oh, that's...
That's nasty!
Mmm. The aroma.
The nastiest thing ever.
No, Malcolm! Malcolm!
Hey! No!
Move your
little nasty foot.
Stop it!
Ow! Ow! Malcolm!
Uh, Malcolm. Malcolm?
Hmm?
The camera isn't off.
Yeah, the camera's off.
What are you talkin' about?
The light is on.
That's the standby light.
That's the record light.
I don't want to be
like those stupid girls.
Kim Kardashian
with a sex tape.
First of all,
Kim Kardashian's
worth $150 million.
Think about it, Kisha.
You could have
your own reality show.
You could have your
own clothing line,
your own perfume.
"Stank," by Kisha.
No.
Your window of opportunity
is closing quickly.
Turn it off.
Oh, God,
you are a hater.
I'm not.
Malcolm. You ain't slick.
That camera's still on.
- What?
- "What?"
That's cheap.
Whoo! Whoo!
Don't touch it.
Don't touch it.
That was crazy.
Oh, I got a cramp.
I told you we should
have recorded that.
I don't think they
make 30-second tapes.
Oh, come on. That was
at least two minutes,
Whoo! That was great.
Malcolm, you know
we have to go again, right?
I need a halftime.
You gotta talk to the coach.
Get some new plays.
Wake up.
Okay, okay.
Come on now.
Okay, okay.
Woody's sore.
Mmm.
Yeah.
Good morning, honey.
Hi, baby.
Mwah.
Malcolm, I told you
to turn the camera off!
I know. I'm shit.
But, baby, I was
tearin' it up last night.
Oh, please.
You were all right.
Baby, check this move.
Look at that.
Malcolm, I need you
to erase this tape.
I don't wanna end
up on the Internet.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
Rewind the video.
Okay.
Did you see that?
Uh-huh.
See, I call that move
the Tornado.
No, stupid!
Look! The door, it moved.
You see?
Oh, wow.
Well, there is a rational
explanation for all that.
See, what happens is,
with the Tornado, right,
the vortex in
which I move my hips,
especially with
a downward motion,
it creates that vortex.
I'm surprised
the windows didn't
blow open.
You are stupid.
Sometimes it does that.
See, I'm working on a whole
natural disaster theme
for me and you.
We gonna start with
the Mudslide tonight.
Or the Earthquake.
Earthquake is crazy!
'Cause I just get in
and I shake up in there,
fast as I can. I just shake.
Malcolm!
Malcolm, come here,
please!
Quick!
What happened?
What happened?
Okay, so the glass was
on the counter,
and then it...
Something knocked it off!
How do you explain that?
Well, maybe you put it
on the edge of the counter,
and it just slipped off.
Last night,
it was the door, Malcolm.
And then, this morning,
the pot was on the floor.
Maybe it wasn't put
on the rack properly.
All right,
I'll take credit for that.
Lord knows you don't cook.
Oh, I love you, but stop.
Be careful.
You're gonna get
glass in your foot
and be trackin' blood
all through the house
like Bruce Willis
in Die Hard.
Do you believe
me now, Malcolm? Hmm?
Maybe it was your vortex.
Oh, God.
Did you hear that?
Nope.
What?
What about that?
That was just
the house settling.
No big thing.
Just go back to sleep.
Go back to sleep?
The wind?
What?
Negro, the windows
are closed!
Oh, hell, no! I'm out!
What? Malcolm!
Malcolm!
Really?
Oh, hell, no.
Malcolm, what are
you doing?
Bitch, there is a ghost
in the house. I'm out.
You can't leave.
You watch me.
Deuces.
Malcolm!
You all right?
Who am I kidding?
I can't sell a house
in this market.
"Immediate possession."
It's already possessed!
Hi, Chip.
I'm Kisha.
Hi.
Hi, I'm Chip the Psychic.
Come on in.
Nice. Nice.
Oh!
And you...
You must be Malcolm.
Mmm, yeah.
That's pretty good.
How did you know?
Uh, psychic.
See?
I have a lot of powers
all over my body.
Do you... You play basketball,
probably, a little bit, right?
No, not really.
You don't?
No.
Well, you got
the body for it.
You're lucky.
You're a lucky, lucky lady.
I'm gonna ask you
some questions.
You know, nothing cray.
Just real simple stuff.
Okay, how long
have you guys
been together?
Two years.
Yes.
Okay, Malcolm,
are you happy?
Yes.
Do you like
living with her?
Yes.
Have you been
with a man?
No.
Did you have
a good Halloween?
Yes.
Did you have
a good Christmas?
Yes.
Do you like movies?
Yeah.
Have you
been with a man?
Yeah...
No. What? No!
Did you have
a good Easter?
Yes.
Do you like booze?
Yes.
Do you eat food
every day?
Yes.
Have you
been with a man?
Yes. No, no!
I've never been with a man.
Okay, I'm just asking
'cause I'm just trying
to get to know you.
I've never been with a man.
I've never been with a man.
I've never been
with a man.
Would you stop being so...
I've never been
with a man!
Okay!
You don't have to
be loud and angry.
He keeps asking me if
I've been with a man!
I've never
been with a man!
Okay.
I'm trying to get to know you.
Have you been with a man?
I sleep on this
side of the bed.
Right.
She sleeps there.
Ick.
And, you know, we keep
the camera right there.
And one night,
we saw the door
kind of just, like...
Oh, wow. So there was
some paranormal over there.
No, she thinks
it's paranormal,
and I think it's
'cause of the Tornado.
'Cause I created a vortex.
What does that mean?
We was havin' sex,
and I was hittin' it.
I was like...
I was doing this round,
and I think the...
Hey, hey, hey!
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, you okay?
Yeah, sorry.
You all right?
I got light-headed
there for a second.
Okay. All right.
Yeah, no, I'm good.
Check out the door.
You know what?
There is some dark
energy over here.
Really?
Yeah. Wow, that's crazy.
- I didn't even...
- Oh!
We got a ghost.
Oh, my God,
it's got me!
It's got me!
It's got me!
It's got me!
Help! Help!
Hey, man!
Get off of me!
Oh, man!
Get off of me.
What are you doing?
I don't know
what just happened.
That was so scary.
Okay, you guys.
This is a simple
channeling exercise.
Okay.
This is creepy.
Shh.
All right, Kisha,
now just breathe.
Relax.
Do you feel anything?
No, not really.
What about you, Malcolm?
Just your dick in my back.
Well, that's a start.
Now, there are two kinds
of paranormal entities.
I specialize in
the good ones.
Okay, yeah, like
Casper the Friendly Ghost.
Oh!
Yeah, he's fun.
And also Patrick Swayze
from Ghost.
I love that movie.
Yes, that one was
really moving.
Especially with the clay,
and he'd work
the clay and just...
And he just
fuckin' has it, and...
Demons, though, are bad.
Those are pure,
pure, pure evil.
And they will pop up
at the worst possible times.
You know, like herpes.
What?
What are you
looking at me for?
All I'm saying is,
do not aggravate a demon.
Do not try to
contact them,
and whatever you do,
do not film them.
That will only
make things worse.
See? Don't film demons.
Very bad.
Okay.
Well, thanks a lot
for coming out, man.
Is there anything
you wanna get off
your chest?
Is there anything
you want to
put on my chest?
Huh?
Wait'll you see
the clay scene.
Wait, wait. Uh...
I have a confession
to make.
Yep, herpes!
I knew it.
Oh! Ick!
No, I don't!
But did I mention that I made
a deal with the devil
for a pair of
really cool Louboutins?
You made a deal
with the devil
for a pair of shoes?
Not shoes, Malcolm!
Louboutins, okay?
They've got red soles,
and they make my calves pop!
Well, I really
needed them, okay?
You are screwed, sista,
This demon is not
leaving this house
until it gets what it wants.
What's that?
Kisha.
You're fine, Malcolm.
Like, you're free to
be whoever you want.
It's a five-man
wrestling league.
I'm good.
It's so fun.
I bet it is.
It's not for me.
And everyone's
really good.
Really?
Yeah, no,
but it's competitive.
It's something that...
Oh, my God.
I'm getting mind powers.
Okay. All right.
I'm getting mind powers.
Malcolm, something
is going to happen to you
that is going to change you.
Don't fight it.
Whatever it is,
don't fight it, okay?
Okay, I won't.
I won't.
I can save you.
It's five guys.
We wrestle on Monday.
Okay.
I can save you.
No, thank you.
Save you!
God.
I think that went well.
We need to talk.
A demon, Kisha?
I'm sorry, Malcolm.
Why...
Why didn't you tell me this,
like, on the first date?
Because you never would have
gone out with me again.
Exactly!
How long has this
been happening to you?
Since I was a little kid.
What the shit is this?
And you say I
tape everything.
Mm. Mm-mm-mm.
Happy birthday, Kisha.
Mama loves you.
Ooh! To think you
almost didn't make it.
But good thing
that clinic was closed.
Ooh! God is good
all the time.
You are eight years ol.
Enjoy your birthday.
Sooner or later, you're gonna
come home from school one da.
"Where's stepdaddy?
Where's stepdaddy?"
And I'm gonna be gone.
Happy birthday, Kisha.
Make a wish.
Sit right there.
All right.
I wish Tony can
stay with me forev.
Who is Tony?
Who is Tony, baby?
He's my friend.
If you have friends,
they'd all be
gathered around here
drinking beer,
smoking cigarettes,
having a good time,
gambling,
playing cards
and stuff.
You gonna blow it out?
Or you just gonna
look at us crazy?
Dang.
She ain't all there.
Lookin' all crazy.
You crazy.
Look, look,
look, look, look.
She got a lazy eye.
Blow out
the candles, baby.
Tony, no!
You wanna throw cake
on my brand-new Betama?
You must be crazy!
Ow! It wasn't me.
It was Tony.
I'm-a beat the Ty
out of you then.
Ah, ah, ah.
Lamar, not so hard.
I won't beat my
own kids like th.
I know that's right.
Anything else
you wanna tell me?
Well,
about the herpes.
Baby, what are you doing?
Huh?
Oh, nothing. I'm just...
Just cleaning, that's all.
You ever get that
not-so-fresh feeling?
Seriously, we're gonna
have to talk about your lies.
Oh, that's fizzing.
It's fizzing.
It's herpes, Kisha.
This ain't
a cold sore, Kisha.
This is the real thing.
Ah! You did this to me.
Get a match!
Get the goddamn match!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
That hurt. Whoa!
What the hell?
What happened?
Did...
What'd you slap me for?
Was I snoring?
Kisha!
Kisha!
The hell?
Kisha.
Kisha.
What the hell?
Kisha.
Oh, shit!
Kisha, what the...
Kisha, what are you doing?
What? Oh, that is gross.
Wait! No, baby,
that milk is
three weeks old.
Oh! Baby.
Baby, what are you doing?
I'll run to the store.
We're out of milk.
I'll be right back.
No, no, you... No, no.
Give me that.
Honey, honey.
Where do you
keep the Pepto?
Oh, man.
Where do you
keep the Pepto?
My stomach hurts.
What are you doing?
I'm looking at
the tape from last night.
Honey, you make me feel good.
Okay. Maybe some sleep
will make you feel good.
Oh, my God.
I don't remember
doing any of this.
What am I doing?
Acting like a freak.
This is crazy.
Wait, look at this.
Check this out.
Something weird...
Weird-weird-weird
is going on.
Something weird
is going on.
Meow.
Honey, you make me
feel good.
Weird is going on.
Weird-weird-weird
is going on.
Whoo!
Weird-weird-weird-weird
is going on.
I'm a scary ghost!
I can't breathe.
Baby, you mad?
Baby.
Malcolm!
It's not a joke!
Come on. I'm just trying
to make light
of a bad situation.
Bad situation?
So, what,
now you're referring
to my moving in
as a bad situation?
I didn't have
a demon in my house
till you moved in.
What happened to,
"You're living with me now.
I'll protect you"?
From a burglar,
not a ghost!
You know what?
I ain't listening to this.
Where do you
think you're going?
Out.
Oh, okay!
So you're just gonna
leave me here alone?
Malcolm!
Malcolm!
Okay, I'm coming,
I'm coming, I'm coming!
What, what, what, what?
Look at this!
Oh, wow. What the...
Oh, Daddy!
Malcolm!
Oh, shit.
What kind of monster
would do this?
Uh, uh, baby,
you were right.
Listen, there is
an evil spirit
in this house.
I believe you.
I was so dumb.
Oh, shit. I feel it.
Oh, my God.
It's right there.
You feel that?
Feel it, feel it, feel it.
- It's cold, right?
- Oh, my God!
Baby, we have to
get rid of this menace
once and for all.
Ooh! The tape!
We can watch the tape.
Wait, no! No, no, no.
Don't watch the tape.
Don't watch the tape.
What?
Because it's just me
and you against him.
You evil spirit!
You leave this house alone!
Now!
You hear me?
You get out!
Get out, demon.
Get out!
Get out, get out, get out!
See, I believe you.
No.
I need you to shut up
once and for all.
Let's watch the tape.
I am shutting up! God!
Mm-hmm.
Hi, Daddy.
You want to come in here
and move in on my house? H?
You like
haunting people, huh?
I ain't scared of you.
Uh, baby? Um...
Fuck you, and fuck your daddy!
This is disturbing.
You don't want to see it.
I will break your arm.
You wanna watch TV?
Wow!
Oh. Oh, my.
See, that hurt. Lookee.
I got a boo-boo,
baby, right...
I don't care.
On my father's ashes!
Really?
You think you the shit?
I'll show you the shit.
Nasty! That is so nasty.
I will...
So, what did you do,
wipe your ass
with the curtains?
Baby, you didn't like
the curtains anyway.
You're an animal.
We'll get new curtains.
It's just curtains.
I'd be an animal
if I didn't wipe at all.
Baby!
This isn't gonna
prove any...
Yes, it is!
I swear that I
will listen to Kisha
whenever she says
strange things are going on
in the house.
And?
And...
And I swear that I won't
antagonize the ghost anymore.
Even though I didn't
bring him in the house.
And?
And I swear that
Kisha is the prettiest
and the sexiest
girl for never.
And?
And I promise I won't shit
in your daddy's ashes.
Louder!
I promise I won't shit
on Kisha's daddy's ashes
ever again.
Happy?
Yes.
Can I have my
video game back now?
No!
See, man?
Why are you putting
powder on the floor?
See, the powder
is gonna let me see
his footprints.
And you think
this is gonna work.
It did on Scooby-Doo.
Malcolm, did you
hear that?
Mm-hmm.
Then why are you
pretending to be asleep?
'Cause I know if I'm up,
where them
scary-ass noises
are coming from.
Get your black ass up.
See, man?
Kisha.
Camera.
Get the camera.
Get the camera.
Whose plan was
stupid now, Kisha? Hmm?
Pass me a bat.
A bat?
You're gonna use
a bat on a ghost?
I'm sorry. I left my
proton pack in the car.
Pass me the bat.
This ghost's got
some ugly-ass feet.
Looks more like an alien.
I don't wanna do it.
I don't wanna do it.
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
What?
Malcolm!
No, this... No.
This ain't what we do.
This is for white people.
Will you grow some balls!
This is for white people.
This ain't what niggers do.
We don't investigate.
We run. We run, we live.
If we was in a movie theater,
some black woman be screaming,
"Don't do it!
Don't do it, boy!
"He behind there.
He in there."
If we know he's in there,
why the fuck are
we going in there?
Come on, baby.
I don't want to do it.
Stop it.
What if it bites me?
It's not a zombie.
It's a ghost.
You wanna play?
That's right!
You hurt my mother.
You killed my mother.
That's right!
That's not helping.
It's not helping none.
You got this. Go.
You want some of this?
This is how we...
Get him!
Bust your...
Whoop that ghost's ass!
Turn on the lights!
Oh, my God! Rosa?
Rosa? Rosa! Rosa!
Si, senor! Que pasa?
Oh, my... I'm so sorry.
I thought you...
I... I didn't know.
I thought you was a ghost.
- Ghost?
- Or an alien.
I was talking
about your feet, not your
citizenship or lack thereof.
I quit.
See? Give me the camera!
Go fix this.
No! I'm not fixing nothing!
Oh, can't believe
Rosa quit.
Yeah, well, you know,
this is stressful
on all of us.
I think I might have
a little something
to help alleviate
some of that stress.
Take it. You hit it.
Yeah?
Now you gonna go spit
up the end and shit.
Hold it, hold it.
Damn!
Yay! Bravo.
Encore, encore.
I see a face in the chip.
It's got a mustache.
You're not moving...
Never get high.
...fast enough, Malcolm.
Never get high
with people that don't
know how to get high.
I'm baked.
Oh, shit.
Los Angeles County, 911.
My dick!
He fell for it!
No, I don't want to.
Okay. Okay, I'll do it.
Yeah! That's a shotgun
for your ass.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Is he gone?
Oh, he's gone.
Wow!
That's that Criss Angel
shit right there.
Yo, that ghost good.
That ghost good.
That ghost good.
That ghost good.
Oh, my God.
What?
That was awesome!
Disgusting!
Malcolm, wake up.
Mmm?
You peed the bed.
What?
You peed the bed.
Oh, shit! Oh!
Oh, that's...
That's not funny.
Oh, that's fucked up.
That's real fucked up.
Hey, Steve,
thanks a lot for bringing
the Ouija board over, man.
I really appreciate that.
Oh, no worries, bro.
- Hopefully...
- Hey, baby.
Oh, hey, Kisha,
the dinner was
so amazing.
The chicken was
unbelievably tender
and real juicy.
Oh, well, actually,
that was all Malcolm.
Was it now?
I'll be damned.
Well, thanks for
letting me nibble on the leg
because I love dark meat.
Mmm. Well, that is true.
She eats it up.
- I bet she does.
- She eats it all up.
Yeah.
You guys are
gonna love this wine.
It is a very robust red.
Yum.
Well, you know
what they say.
"The blacker the berry,
the sweeter the juice."
Mm-hmm.
Okay, y'all need to
cut this out.
Well, you know what?
Normally, we don't
have to chase this hard.
Mm-hmm.
Steve...
Hmm?
I was talking about
that stupid board.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Baby, I just want to
communicate with it.
Are you a ghost
or a demon?
Who's doing that?
Malcolm.
Who's doing that?
I don't know.
It's not me.
I swear to God.
"G."
You guys.
"O."
Steve, are you
pushing this?
I'm not doing anything.
Oh, what? "S."
Go where...
"T."
A "gost?"
What the hell
is a "gost"?
Oh, maybe he's
trying to spell "ghost."
Are you trying
to spell "ghost"?
You're doing that?
No. I'm not
moving it, I swear.
"Yes."
Wait. So, he just
spelled "ghost" "gost."
What kind of illiterate,
bitch-ass ghost is this?
Please. Can you please
use "gost" in a sentence?
Yeah, right.
Up yours,
you stupid "gost."
He probably dyslexic, too.
He probably
spells "boo," O-O-B.
Ooh!
Oh.
Oh.
Whoa, whoa!
Somebody's sensitive.
And stupid.
You know what?
I think we'll probably just
show ourselves out.
Good morning, honey.
Good morning.
Mmm.
Hey.
Mmm.
Well, all right.
Baby, that is
the best night's sleep
I've had since I moved in.
Well, maybe because you made
me sleep in the other room.
What are you
talking about?
We had
a breakthrough last night.
A breakthrough? Really?
Yes, Malcolm.
The way that you touched me,
caressed me, made love to me.
What are you
talking about?
Malcolm,
we had sex last night!
No, we didn't.
Yes, we did.
For about two hours!
Uh, that definitely
wasn't me.
Well, who else
could it have been?
No, get off of me!
Oh, my God.
Mmm.
Mmm, Malcolm.
What?
Ooh, that's new.
Oh.
Are you doing the alphabet?
Uh-uh, nigger,
clean your plate.
Come on.
Slob it down, slob it down.
Waterboarding your ass.
Mm, Malcolm.
Did you grow?
Ride the pony! Ride it. Oh!
Oh! Get it! Get it! Get it!
Oh, I've had it.
Oh, yeah! Dip it!
Dip it down!
Why don't I finish up...
I can't watch anymore.
I just can't watch anymore.
I'll finish.
Uh-uh, you ain't done yet.
I had no idea
you was a squirter.
Neither did I?
Hey.
Don't touch me.
You seriously
have an attitude
with me right now?
You liked it.
What?
You heard me.
You liked it.
You like having
sex with that thing
more than you like
having sex with me.
Malcolm, I was asleep.
Mm-hmm.
Talk to the hand.
I was...
That's the hand.
Talk to it.
I was asleep, okay?
I didn't know I was
having sex with a ghost.
Aha!
You just admitted
to having sex with a ghost!
And you liked it!
"Oh, Malcolm, you grew."
What happened, Kisha?
I'm not adequate
enough for you?
Huh? I'm sorry.
I tried Extense, Kisha.
Went through
the whole program.
I did Cialis,
Viagra and Maca.
Okay.
All it did was
get me dizzy,
you know...
Okay, stop it, all right?
That is not fair!
I was anally bleeding
for a month,
and you didn't even know.
Listen, that is not fair,
because I'm the one
who was violated,
not you.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Must have been
a horrific experience
for you.
I'm sorry.
Eh, could have been worse.
Hey, cuz... Ray-Ray.
You got a beef
up in here?
Lots of niggers.
Not beef. Hey...
Hey, what the fuck is
you taping for, Kisha?
We thugs.
We can't be on no TV!
Shut up, Ray-Ray.
Get the fuck off me.
Okay. Sorry.
So, what's going on
with this beef, homey?
It's that old bitch
next door,
ain't it, homey?
Yeah, she was
eyeballing me, cuz,
when I was all up
in her windowsill
last night.
But she got a nice body,
though, cuz.
You know, like a sexy-ass
baked potato, homey.
It's not like that.
What the fuck is it like,
then, homey?
Well, someone's coming
between me and Kisha.
Somebody fucked
your girl, cuz?
Well, not...
I be the one that
fucked your girl!
Oh, please.
How you let somebody
fuck your girl
before me, cuz?
We family, nigger!
I... I'm sorry... Kinda.
How the fuck do you "kinda"
bang Kisha, homey?
Did he have
one pant leg in,
one pant leg out?
Like,
he wasn't even interested
in fucking her, homey?
Like, he had somewhere
better to be, homey?
Okay, Ray-Ray,
that is not what it's like.
And can you
please tell your Negro
to back the hell up off me?
Hey! Pelvis back
But stay up
on her, though.
What the fuck is
it like then, Kisha? Hmm?
If you listen,
I'll tell you.
You tell me!
I can't wait to get
my hands on this fool.
- Come on out, cuz!
Ray-Ray, cut it out.
You're gonna make it mad.
I don't give a fuck, Kisha!
He should be worried about
making Ray-Ray mad
up in here, bitch!
Who you
callin' a bitch?
Show yourself!
No, Ray, don't do that!
Don't...
What the fuck is that?
A ghost, Ray.
A "ghost" ghost?
A "ghost" ghost.
Yes! Ray-Ray,
that's what
we've been trying
to tell you
for 15 minutes!
You idiot.
What the...
What in the hell...
What happened to
your furniture, cuz?
Get your hands up, cuz!
You're trying to
get me killed, cuz.
I didn't, Ray-Ray! Ray!
God!
My stuff!
Babe, you got to admit,
it's kind of impressive.
Perfume? Hey!
Yeah, it's new.
It's called Entity.
I like it.
What's the occasion?
What's up?
Malcolm, is it a crime
to want to sleep
with no panties on?
I get it. This...
This ain't for me.
This is for him.
Who are you
talking about?
You know exactly
who I'm talking about.
For your little
supernatural lover.
Malcolm,
you're being ridiculous,
and I'm gonna
say this right now.
Insecurity is
not attractive.
Yeah? Well,
being a paranormal
jump-off
is not attractive
either, hon.
Good night.
You're taking this
too far.
Whatever.
I have no interest
in a ghost.
You gonna try
and contact him?
Good night!
I was gonna...
Good night!
Get off of me!
Baby.
Hey!
Hey.
Hey.
What's...
What's up with the donut?
Oh, uh, I just got a little
hemorrhoid, that's all.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Hurts.
So, anything happen
eventful last night?
No, nothing eventful.
Just, you know, the usual.
Just, like, you know,
door slams, stuff like that.
Oh. I wanna see.
Nope, nope.
Nothing for you
to see, baby.
Wait! Baby!
Hey!
Can you... So rude!
Stop! Stop!
Hey! Malcolm!
Would you...
Cut it...
Just gotta do...
Oh, my!
You know what?
You...
You got altar-boyed.
You know what?
You can't...
Malcolm, hold on a second.
No, no, no, no, no!
You just uploaded it!
No, no, no!
Oh, no!
You're gonna be bigger than
Charlie Bit My Finger.
Say hello
to the camera.
Get the camera out my face.
I'm not in the mood. Stop it!
Now that you've been
touched by an angel,
suddenly you're camera shy?
Let me ask you
a question, Kisha.
Is this the first
ghost you slept with?
Or it's the first one
I caught you with?
You wanna go there?
Yeah, I wanna go there.
When did you
become ghost pussy?
Maybe I wouldn't need a ghost
if I was with a real man!
There are Super Bowl ads
that last longer than you do!
People wait all year
for those
Super Bowl ads, baby.
All year!
And maybe it's 'cause
every time I see you naked,
all I can think about is
you sitting on the toilet,
I'm sorry, Kisha.
Some things just
shouldn't be shared.
I let my guard down and...
Oh, you let
your guard down.
...you're gonna
throw it back in my face?
You killed my dog!
You have not let this go!
Yeah, let's go there.
I did not kill your dog!
You dog murderer.
That was my baby,
and you killed it
on purpose!
Oh, your baby was
Shh.
Okay.
Okay.
All right, come on.
Let's go outside.
Okay. Okay.
Come on.
Okay. Go!
Okay.
Well, you heard the psychic,
all right?
It feeds off of
negative energy.
All of your arguing
is making it stronger.
My arguing?
My arguing?
You're the one that...
That's right.
We have to
stop fighting.
I can't.
You are getting
on my nerves.
Well, just pretend.
Good thing we
switched to plastic.
We'll have to get
that pot rack looked at.
Mm-hmm.
Tea's ready.
Mmm.
I'm gonna make
a run to Starbucks.
Can you pick me
up a latte?
You got it!
Malcolm!
Yeah! I kicked you
in your ghost balls!
I got some for you...
Malcolm!
Wake up!
Nigger, open your eyes!
Take off those
damn headphones!
Malcolm!
Malcolm!
Malcolm!
Yeah, listen.
Something's wrong
with Kisha.
No, no, she's been
cleaning all morning.
Dude, Kisha don't clean.
That's good, baby.
Not the couch, honey!
Not the couch.
Not the couch.
Yes, the floor.
Yeah, good girl, good girl.
Yo, man, earlier,
I caught her masturbating
with a crucifix.
Kisha?
Wouldn't you rather
use this?
Okay.
Exactly. I'm...
Uh, dude, I gotta go.
No, she's
walking the dog.
What's wrong with that?
The dog is dead.
I gotta go.
Uh, Kisha?
Kisha. Oh, boy. Kisha!
Kisha? Baby?
Listen,
I just wanted to apologize
for the way I been acting.
and I don't want anything
to come between us.
And what the hell is that
Twilightshit on your neck?
Oh, my God! Oh, God!
What the hell?
Oh, yeah.
She is definitely on the rag.
Oh, Father.
Thank God you could make it.
Nigger, call me "Doug."
I don't like being
called "Father." No way.
Plus, I got a couple issues
with a few people out there
claiming false child support.
I mean,
just 'cause the little
nigger got my eyes,
my nose, my extremely rare
AB-negative blood type,
don't mean I'm
the damn daddy.
Plus, I'm still in training.
At the seminary?
No, the penitentiary.
What?
Shit, nigger,
I've been
incarcerated 15 years.
Oh.
But you learn a lot out there
reading on the yard.
You shank a nigger,
come in,
read the scripture.
Shank a motherfucker,
read the scripture.
You gonna let
a nigger in or what?
Damn.
Standing out here, nigger.
It's cold as hell.
Ooh.
Uh, bro, I'm gonna have
to level with you.
This bitch don't look right.
I mean, she look all
ashy and shit, and just...
You know, like E.T.
with a weave.
If I was you,
I'd just be out.
Let's just go.
Come on. Let's go.
Uh, I...
I can't leave her.
That's my girl.
Are you kidding me?
Come on, man.
There's so much
pussy in the world, man.
You don't have to
be with just her.
Come to the congregation.
I've got a few in
the congregation,
I'm trying to tell you.
Check this out.
Now, I know she look old.
I know she...
But she a freak,
and she got skills.
Can we go in there
and just save her?
Yo! Yo, dawg,
you yelling at me
right now?
I know you just
didn't scream on me, dawg.
I'm here to
exorcise your bitch, man.
So you wanna
go in the room.
All the way in?
Look at her hair.
Her hair's all crazy.
You think I'm scared
right now, but I'm not.
I didn't think
you was scared.
No, I'm just
a little concerned
that I don't have
the right stuff.
Do you have,
like, a loaded gun?
I'll shank this bitch
for you.
It's cold as
a motherfucker in here, man.
Y'all ain't got no heat?
How you doing,
crazy bitch?
Kisha.
Kisha, I'm Father Doug.
I'm here to
un-possess you.
Wait a minute.
She's moving.
This is some
crazy-ass shit, man.
Who are you?
I wasn't
expecting her to talk.
I'm Father Doug.
Connect the cut.
Connect the cut.
Connect the cut.
Connect the cut.
Connect the cut.
Oh, oh, that's some of that
Busta Rhymes shit
she doin' right there.
She's on that Bus A Bus.
It's kinda more
like Twista, though.
It's real fast.
Do you know how to
connect the cuts?
Uh, uh, uh.
Tic-tac-toe in your face!
Straight X's,
straight across, diagonal.
I almost had your
ass the other way.
Tic-tac-toe on your arm,
connect the cuts.
That's what she was saying,
"Connect the cuts."
I wanna show you something.
"Suck it." That's gangsta!
That's gangsta.
You wanna see mine?
Check this out.
I did a little something
a while back.
I did that in prison.
Yeah, you know,
it hurt. But, you know,
you gotta go through it.
You gotta earn it.
Everybody went crazy.
They was like,
"No, you didn't!
You so hard, dawg!"
I had control of
that TV for a month.
Would you like to
see my paintings?
Sure. Of course.
You know, I consider myself
a bit of an art aficionado.
I think it's going well.
It's going good.
Mm-hmm.
If, uh...
Well, you know, if I can be
perfectly honest with you,
it's your
technique that's sloppy.
But that's, you know,
to be expected from someone
that's possessed.
Hmm?
Ah!
Damn, that made
my breath stink.
Man, that breath is kickin'!
I can only imagine
what the kitty smell like.
Pure evil.
Goddamn.
I'm Dan "the Man" Kearney
and today on Ghost Guys
we're investigating
paranormal activity
at the Johnson residence
in suburban Los Angeles.
This is going be
very unsettling.
Not like those other
fake ghost hunter shows.
This stuff is real.
And I don't mean like,
"I saw my dead nana" scary,
but scary like,
"I left a bag of meth
in the glove box
"and I'm getting
pulled up by the cops
"and I got a hot pipe
under the seat."
That kind of scary.
Let's go inside.
All right,
on behalf of Ghost Guys,
the greatest ghost-hunter
show on the Internet
or cable access,
I'd like to thank you
for having us.
You've made a good choice.
You're welcome.
Thank you very
much for coming.
Malcolm, Malcolm,
I'm not sure about this.
I mean, this guy, sure.
But Sling Blade there,
don't trust him.
You said you needed
ghost hunters right?
I also said I
needed a psychic.
Chip, hey, what's up?
What's going on?
What are you doing here?
I'm a psychic,
I sensed you
needed my help.
I do.
There's a new person.
Yeah, that's Bob.
Come on, let's go.
Hey, there's something
different about you.
Something new.
I can't quite put
my finger in you.
On you. On it.
Haircut.
Someone's got a secret.
No, I don't. Come on.
Hey, guys.
Gentlemen,
what we have here
is a crazy bitch.
Now, I would leave
her possessed ass
in the alley downtown
if it was me,
but apparently,
Malcolm's got
a thing for the freak.
Holy shit.
So, what you're saying is,
there's an actual
demon here in the house?
It's in the bitch.
I'm sorry, "ho."
No disrespect.
"Bitch" is fine.
"Bitch" is fine.
All right,
this is what I'm getting.
The entity does not want
to leave this house,
okay?
It's struggling
to stay inside.
And Malcolm,
I need to know.
How far are you gonna go
to get this demon out?
I'll do anything.
I don't see how
this is gonna help anything.
This just got weird.
What is this
supposed to do?
Um... Nothing.
I was just trying to see
how far you would go.
What did I tell you?
I think she looks fine.
Clearly does not
look fine.
She looks fucked up.
I'm gonna need my Bible.
You're gonna bless her?
Well, yeah,
I blessed this joint.
Mm-hmm.
Right out of
the First Chronicles.
I haven't done many exorcisms,
but I don't think
that's appropriate.
I get it, I get it.
I can fix that,
though, right now.
I got a little something.
What's going on?
That's a demon party.
Yeah, look out.
What is this, 1985?
'Cause I feel like
we could exorcise
any demons in the area.
What? I'll take on
a whole team of demons.
What we should do is
get all the demons
in one room
and get rid of them
all at once.
Do a collective
demon-gathering.
We just walk up
to people's doors,
"How you doing?
How you doing?"
"We heard y'all got
demons up in there.
What's up?"
I used to braid hair.
I could actually
braid her hair right now.
I'll be hitting her
with some Allen Iversons
and stuff.
I'll give her
some Sprewells.
I'll take it back.
Let's do
a little exorcism.
All right,
"Blessed is he
"who, in the name of
charity and goodwill,
"shepherds the weak
through
the valley of darkness.
"For he is truly
his brother's keeper
"and the finder
of lost children.
"And you will know
my name is the Lord
"when I lay my
vengeance upon you!"
Did you just quote
Sam Jackson in Pulp Fiction?
You got that.
You got me on that.
You got me on that one!
I love Sam Jackson, dawg.
The Jheri curl
will be dripping
and everything.
Plus, on the plane movie.
When he was on the plane
and he killed the snakes.
That's my favorite movie.
"Enough is enough!
"I have had it with these
motherfucking snakes
"on this
motherfucking plane!"
Hey, all right!
That's what I'm
talking about.
Guys!
All right, all right!
Exorcism. That's what
we're here for, right?
Yes, go back to the thing
that got us here
in the first place.
Where we met.
My man!
By the powers
vested to me,
that somebody gave me
while I was locked up,
from
the correctional institution
in Lompoc, that's up north...
I want the demon that's
in you to come out
and holler at a brother.
Demon, come up
out of Kisha, demon.
Come out!
Just come out!
Come up out of Kisha!
Come up
out of there, demon.
Come out! Come out!
Come out!
Come out!
Hey! I'm not the one
with the demon, she is.
We all have demons, Malcolm.
I know what
you did last summer.
You better not do this.
Let her go, she's fat.
Kisha! Kisha!
Kisha! Oh, my God.
Kisha?
Kisha?
Oh, hey, buddy,
you made it.
Grab a finger sandwich,
they're delish!
About time you
came up in here.
'Cause there ain't no party
like a mandingo party.
'Cause a mandingo
party don't stop.
Drink up, sweetheart.
You need some water?
Where are you going?
Hey, don't let her down.
It's her birthday.
Oh, God.
Hey, did you find Kisha?
Uh, no,
she's not in there.
You sure?
What's going on in there?
Uh, nothing at all.
Is that a mandingo party?
No.
Man, I wanna get
my Kunta Kinte on.
Kisha?
Kisha?
Oh, shit!
Baby?
Oh, my God!
What did you do?
Shit, I did you a favor.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, Rosa!
I just wanted my
last check, Malcolm.
Oh, my God,
you shot my housekeeper.
You mean,
your ex-housekeeper.
Look, man, the bitch can't be
jumping out on me like that.
You ain't gonna
tell nobody, right?
I got warrants.
Hurry, she's in here.
Come on, guys.
Kisha!
We got her cornered.
Baby.
Father, do something.
Oh, my God!
Man, that demon
is a freak.
Yeah, the crazy ones
always got the best pussy.
The moon landing was fake.
What?
Biggie and Tupac
are alive.
Paul Ryan will be
the next president.
The demon lies.
Well, except for
the thing about Tupac.
He is alive.
He's got a new
album coming out.
What the fuck
is going on here?
There's an exorcism
happening, people!
The power of
Christ compels you.
The power of
Christ compels you.
No, it's a new cologne
from Khloe and Lamar.
It's unisex.
I can smell Lamar.
Get her!
Baby!
Oh! She knows some of
that Spider-Man shit!
Oh, my God!
It's got me!
Chip!
I'm afraid of the dark.
Why do have your
hand on my balls?
I'm protecting
them from spirits.
Get off of me!
There she is!
She's going to the basement.
Bobby? Oh, my God!
Bobby, my brother's gone!
Oh, my God! Let's go!
- Bobby?
- Bobby?
Bobby?
This is dark.
I don't wanna
go down here.
Kisha!
Look at all these
weird markings.
Kisha was here.
She has a sign.
Bobby!
Oh, my God! She got Bobby!
Actually, that's
just Bobby taking a pee.
What?
Oh, come on, that's gross.
Kisha!
Kisha.
Kisha.
Show yourself.
Baby? Come on,
you gotta stay close.
What is this,
a Shake Weight
and a Thighmaster?
Nice.
Back the train up.
You got a Flowbee?
Hey, it all looks good
at 2:00 in the morning, okay?
Hey, look, Malcolm,
one's white and one's black.
- Guess which one you are.
- Black one.
What the hell?
Can we just go
find my girl, please?
Thank you.
Kisha!
Bobby!
Would you shut the fuck up?
What are you doing?
Come on.
Go, go, go.
What was that?
Christ,
that bitch is scary.
I dropped the camera!
Fellas?
Kisha.
Malcolm? Malcolm?
It's me, Chip the Psychic.
Malcolm?
It's me, Chip.
Yoo-hoo.
- Okay, I found the camera.
- What are you guys doing?
This shit is real, son.
Yeah.
Chip, why are you naked?
What the hell?
Hey!
It got really hot in here.
Oh, no. Where's Bobby?
Found my Walkman.
Kisha? Baby, are you okay?
- Leave her alone.
- Don't touch her.
Why?
'Cause she's like
that witch in Left 4 Dead
sitting in the corner
crying like that.
You touch her,
she gonna attack your ass.
I can't just
leave her, man.
Kisha? Baby?
It'll be okay, all right?
Get off my man, bitch!
You wanna fight?
Take that, demon!
Elbow smash!
Ooh!
Harder!
Beast!
Take that, demon!
Fucking bitch, take that.
That demon can
take a punch.
That's enough.
- Baby?
- Malcolm.
I think she's okay.
Maybe not!
I won't tell on you,
you don't tell on me.
Understand me?
You weren't here,
I wasn't here.
I'll take the blame.
I'll take the blame.
Okay, good. Hey!
Man, put some clothes on!
Hey.
Hey.
You know what?
This Angry Birds
is kind of fun.
I told you.
I like it.
Look at you
looking all pretty.
Oh, this?
It's just a little something
I put on for my man.
Oh, lucky him.
Oh. Ow...
Malcolm.
What? What? What?
My ribs are
still a little sore.
I'm sorry.
We did beat the hell
out of you, girl.
We was just trying
to get the demon out.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry for bringing
that thing into your house.
Our house.
Mmm!
Malcolm?
Is the camera on?
Mm-hmm?
Fine.
Good.
Come here.
Take like that,
take it like that.
Oh, my God,
I hit the bottom.
Oh, yeah, take that.
Who's your dirty daddy?
Oh, God.
- I got a cramp.
- Don't touch it.
Malcolm!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm coming.
Shit.
Malcolm!
I heard you
the first time.
Damn.
She's gone.
Yeah, baby, I lived!
I lived.
In your face.
In your face!
You thought you'd
move into my house
and kill me?
What?
She's right behind me,
isn't she?
Oh, yeah.
We gonna need a wide angle
for some of
these aerial tricks.
All right, I call
this one "The Superman."
Pile driver!
Take that.
Take that.
Oh! Oh!
Can I get you
something to drink, Father?
Yeah, Hennessy, straight.
Oh, you got Hpnotiq?
I like to mix them.
Uh, I was
talking about water.
Water?
I don't drink that bullshit.
What the fuck?
Yeah, my show is
gonna be huge.
I'm gonna get my house back.
I'm gonna get a girlfriend.
I'm gonna be successful.
Did you just hope
and dream out loud?
All hopes and dreams
are out loud.
That's the camera show.
Oh, this is called "68,"
and I owe you one.
You're crazy, girl.
Yeah, I'll fart in your face.
Take that.
Now we gonna make some love.
But I ain't gonna
kiss you on your mouth
'cause I just
farted in your face.
Here's the thing.
A lot of people
think penises are scary.
They're not,
unless it has a gun.
Then that's horrifying.
don't carry a gun.
Oh, my God. What?
That's a fact.
But I'm gonna
tell you this,
don't ever,
ever let a man put
his hands on you.
Unless he
paying the bills. Aah!
Domestic violence
is amazing.
Gonna burn me.
I'm sorry. Shh. Shh.
Take it.
Ooh.
Ooh!
This is one bad
picture right here, nigger.
This a fine motherfucker
right here, boy.
This is dope.
You know what
I'd do with this?
Do you know what
I'd do with this?
All this area,
all this carpet,
this ottoman,
I'd be all over it.
What are these?
Those are my boxers.
Fascinating.
Oh, yes.
His methods are
so unorthodox.
That's my girlfriend.
Ah...
Kisha.
That's a crazy
bitch name all day.
You can google it.
Top five crazy bitch names.
Kisha, Alisha, Djuana.
You say that out loud,
and you're
already scared, right?
Are you done?
Let's go.
Let's go save the bitch.