A Kid Called Mayonnaise (2017) Movie Script

[alarm beeping]
[touch tones]
[phone line ringing]
Mayo's Voice: Hello. You've reached
the Davis residence.
We've moved to Los Angeles.
If you want to
buy our house,
please call my mom,
care of the Alamo Motel.
Or just leave a message.
- [beep]
- Mayo: Hey, house.
I just thought I'd
call and say hi.
Mourning doves,
I know you're eavesdropping,
so I'll say hi to you, too.
Remember, don't eat Horace.
I know he's just a slug,
but he's a pretty good guy.
Sailor rubber ducky,
sorry you
fell out of the box.
I'll come back
to get you soon.
I like it here.
But the truth is,
when I first got to the Alamo,
I wasn't so sure.
Neither was mom.
When she took the job
at the motel,
I don't think she knew
how hard it would be.
And I guess I didn't know
how strange it would be.
There is this girl,
Calamine Jones,
she wears a sailor suit.
And she hated me,
but I didn't know why.
Then there's this
business man kind of guy.
His name is Mr. Cavendish.
He likes playing
this weird game.
It's just weird.
I often dream of otters.
I'm sorry.
I really don't have time
for the game right now,
Mr. Cavendish
[sighs, whispers]
I often dream of otters.
I often dream of otters.
I often dream of otters!
I often dream of otters!
I often dream of otters!
I often dream of otters!
I often dream of otters!
You win again,
Mr. Cavendish.
Mayo: And then there's
this kid Lance,
who, I gotta say,
was a bit of a creepster.
Oh. Hey, Lance.
You're up early.
Yes. Mother and I are going
to donate to the saliva bank.
Is that like
a blood bank?
but for saliva.
Good morning.
Come on, Lance,
we want to beat the lines.
They pay $10 a quart.
Lancelot Arthur Kincaid.
Mayo: I wasn't sure
how I fit in here,
or even if I wanted to.
Then the other day,
I heard this song.
[phone rings]
Muriel: Welcome to the Alamo,
L.A.'s best kept secret.
We have an ostrich?
I'm gonna have to
put you on hold
for just one tiny second.
Someone left him
in the middle of the night.
People see a movie about
some super cool animal,
and they decide
they gotta get one.
Then they say, "Hey,
it's not super cool at all.
"It's a nasty, freaky,
fuzzy land bird."
And then they say,
"Hey, let's just
"drop this thing off
at the Alamo,
"and that crazy stray animal lady
will take care of it."
Not this time.
This monster's going to
an animal shelter
where it belongs.
Just don't name it,
Whenever you name them,
you never get rid of them.
Right, Frank?
Don't worry.
So, what's up
with you today?
Well, I just saw this girl
drive by on a birthday float.
She was wearing this crown,
and she was sitting on
a purple throne.
And then she saw me.
And waved.
It was like--
And then I was like--
And-- and then
she threw taffy at me.
Yeah, so I was wondering
if I could, you know,
head off to go
look around for her.
Nice try.
But you're always saying how
I need to make new friends here.
Well, what's wrong
with Lance?
He's selling his own spit.
That Calamine Jones
seems sort of interesting.
She doesn't talk.
I'm pretty sure
she hates my guts.
[tapping on glass]
Well, I can't just let you
wander off into the city.
And I'm too busy to
drive you myself.
Nice ostrich.
Maybe Candy
can drive me.
- Who?
- I met this girl.
He waved at a girl.
She waved at me first.
Let me see her wave.
Your wave.
Yeah. Yeah, I can
drive him, Miss Davis.
It's fine.
I gotta go out, anyways.
This looks very important.
Please, Mom?
I gotta find her.
All right,
on two conditions.
One: I get to check in with you
any time I want.
Done. What's
the second thing?
Los Angeles.
"This is a special
"If you recently saw
the hit movie 'The Awesome Ostrich,'
"please, do not go out
and buy an ostrich.
"They're not super cool,
they're not house pets--"
This is an ostrich,
They do not mess around.
I'm gonna tell you
a little story.
I once saw an ostrich
take on a grizzly bear
in a cage match throw down.
And guess who won.
Hint: Not the bear!
Not... the bear.
You're welcome,
city of Los Angeles.
Please, please, please,
please drive safely,
and have yourself a snazzy,
ostrich free day.
Mayo: I didn't really
know Candy,
and I didn't know why
she wanted to help me.
All I knew was
we were on our way.
[music playing on radio]
Nope. Ahh, uh--
Too happy.
Too sad.
God, total garbage.
Don't worry,
we'll find it.
We're looking for
la cancin suprema.
The supreme song.
I don't think we had
one of those in Idaho.
How'd you wind up here?
when my grandfather died,
he left the Alamo to us.
My mom thought
coming out here
would give us both
a chance to start over.
Well, you cannot start over
la cancin sup-rrrr-ema.
It's a state law.
Candy: Hey.
You like oranges?
Hector, my man.
Mayo: Hi.
So, have you seen a girl
drive by on a float?
He's from Idaho,
So, why does your mom take in
all these weird animals?
She sees a stray animal,
she just has to take it in.
It's a little weird.
But the good thing is,
she took me in.
Kind of like
with that ostrich.
Somebody had something
that they didn't want,
so they left it
at our house.
My mom opened up this box,
and there was a baby inside.
What? No.
She named me Mayo,
which is short for mayonnaise,
'cause the box she found me in
was a mayonnaise box.
You're a liar.
I never lie.
[phone quacking]
It's mom.
You want to ask her
if it's true?
You were found in a box?
No. Come on, seriously.
Last chance.
[phone quacking]
Hey, Mom.
Yeah, I'm fine.
No, no birthday girl yet.
How's it goin'
with the ostrich?
I think it wants to eat me.
Keep away from me,
you monster.
Whatever you do,
don't name it.
I'm not gonna name it.
Come on, birthday girl.
Where are you?
These songs stink.
How do you know
when you've found it,
la cancin suprema?
It's weird,
but your stomach
starts to hurt.
you get goosebumps.
Then a feeling of hope,
despite life's funny way
of crushing your soul.
That's her!
Turn around,
turn around!
Okay. We'll catch 'em
on Alameda.
Okay, come on.
Why doesn't she
like me?
She's just being
Calamine Jones.
That's her!
Over here.
Mayo: I'll tell ya, house.
Could have been perfect.
Then I got ambushed
by a rubber ducky.
What are you doing?
Where is she?
She's over--
No, she--
Dude, you had her.
I know.
I've just never seen a rubber ducky
like that before, okay?
It's just so snazzy.
What, so you're into
rubber duckies or something?
[scoffs] No.
Definitely not.
I mean, maybe
when I was a kid, but--
I have a huge collection
of rubber duckies
that I keep in
a display case.
I like to
give them names and...
sometimes I take baths
with them.
I know. Okay?
Let's just go home.
No. No, no, no.
Come on.
She's out there
Nobody said making friends
was easy.
How would you know?
I mean, you're just so
not me.
When I was a kid,
I moved four times
in five years.
I think I know what
lonely is like.
Sometimes I call my old house
and talk to it.
For three years...
my best friend was
a stuffed turtle
named Brainino.
That's pretty weird.
Oh, yeah? Well, at least
I don't take baths with rubber duckies.
Pull over.
The birthday girl.
I'm a little scared.
That's okay.
Sometimes, when my brain
is telling me to flee,
I do this thing
where I trick it
by fleeing,
but fleeing in the direction of the thing
that I'm scared of.
- Got it?
- No.
- Flee!
- Okay, oh-- Good luck!
Don't talk about rubber duckies!
Or taking baths with them.
Hey, how's it goin'?
- [clapping]
- Well done, very nice.
Strong effort.
Oh, hi. I'm Mayo.
Mayo Davis.
How's it goin'?
I like your dresses.
Do you know this guy?
Um, I'm the guy that
you waved at on the float this morning.
Near the Alamo Motel.
I'm really sorry.
I waved at a lot of people
this morning.
But y-you looked
right at me.
I looked back.
There was waving.
Maybe this will help.
This doesn't look good.
I could go over there
and help him out.
I have that option.
But part of growing up
is figuring things out on your own.
You'll learn that.
I'm a banana.
So, what'd you wish for?
If I tell you,
it won't come true.
She wished that
you would leave.
Now it won't come true.
No, it probably will.
I say it definitely will.
So I'm gonna get goin'.
Nope? All right.
Sorry, anyway.
No way.
You got this at
the piata store, right?
It's so snazzy, right?
Does that mean you're
a fan of rubber duckies?
She's more a fan of
smashing rubber duckies.
What are you doing?
It's a piata.
You beat it with a stick
until the candy comes out.
I-- I know
how it works.
Then give it a try.
It's okay.
I'll go.
He's good.
Hit the duck
with the stick.
You know,
I was just thinking.
It's kind of weird,
isn't it,
celebrating someone's birth
by obliterating a duck?
Sorry, I'll shut up now.
I just want you to know that
I'm totally pro piata,
and pro birthday
all the way.
It's just, well,
I like rubber duckies.
Just a little.
Well, a lot and sometimes
I take baths with them.
Yeah, so here's my proposal.
What if we could find a way
to bring together
piatas, birthdays,
and rubber duckies
all together in a way that
felt a little more magical?
Hit the duck
with the stick.
One... two...
I'm-- I'm so sorry.
All: Come back!
Come on!
It's gonna be okay.
He's a banana.
We all are.
Oh-- Hi.
Hey, uh, Lance, Miss Kincaid.
Um, how's it goin'?
So I decided to make
a donation, too. Um--
It-- [hocking]
It's in my mouth.
Give us the duck!
They'll never
take us alive!
Mr. Cavendish.
Mr. Cavendish help!
No, no, no,
this isn't a game.
This isn't a game!
[phone quacking]
Hey, Mom,
everything's great.
I gotta go.
Love you. Bye.
Did you find that girl?
I-- I did, but there was
a little mix up,
and now she's
looking for me.
Hey, new friend.
I love you. Gotta go.
Don't name the ostrich.
I'm not gonna name it.
Candy, where are you?
[chuckles] Oh,
that's a yummy lunch.
Candy: Anybody see a kid
running with
a rubber ducky piata,
he wears glasses,
comes from Idaho?
Where are you,
I'm gonna need some back up.
I am gonna need...
some serious back up.
I am losing it, Brainino,
I am losing it.
My stomach hurts.
A feeling of hope despite life's funny way
of crushing your soul.
Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
we can't lose it.
Not now.
Come on, song, I need you!
[breathing heavily]
Oh, my cancin suprema!
Oh, okay.
Ooh, bumps.
We're good. We're good.
Sorry. Okay.
[train whistle blows]
Just give us the duck.
It's my birthday.
I'll take care of this.
The duck, please.
You don't have to smash it
just because they want you to.
I know.
Come on!
- Come on!
- They're getting away !
My stomach hurts.
My stomach hurts.
A feeling of hope despite life's funny way
of crushing your soul.
I'll explain later.
Come on!
Make it up
as we go along
And if we write
our own story
We'll never be boring
And we can get it on
It's hard to explain
What's goin' on
inside my brain
It's like a puppy parade
Rain down confetti
on my day
On count of
one, two, three
Triple duck day,
move your feet
Tell me what you thought
In a secret language
we'll make up
So what if we're
the underdogs
We'll make it up
as we go along
And if we write
our own story
We'll never be boring
And we can get it on
So what if we're
the underdogs
We'll make it up
as we go along
La cancin suprema!
La cancin suprema!
Hey. It's okay.
Well, hello.
Mom, this is
the birthday girl.
- Hi.
- Oh, well, welcome to the Alamo.
What happened
with the ostrich?
I didn't name him,
so I thought, this time,
I'm really gonna do it.
but then I put him in
this little outfit.
I mean,
look at him.
So dashing.
Mayo: So that's pretty much
the whole story, house.
The birthday girl
wanted to tell me her name,
but I asked her if I could keep calling her
the birthday girl,
and she said okay.
Souvlaki, gamora,
angina, huzzah.
Mayo: Those are the words
she invented
that you say right before
you let it go.
Get ready!
Hey, happy birthday.
Hey. Thanks.
Mayo: So, house, if you're wondering about
my new life here,
I'd have to say
it's pretty snazzy.
Sure, I almost got clobbered
trying to save this duck,
but I learned that when
your brain is saying,
"Hey, buddy, are you sure you
want to do this?"
That's when you gotta say,
"Brain, it's time for me to make a stand."
Bye for now, house.
I miss you guys,
and I hope you miss me, too.
So what if we're
the underdogs
We make it up
as we go along
And if we write
our own story
We'll never be boring
And we can get it on
So what if we're
the underdogs
We make it up
as we go along
And if we write
our own story
We'll never be boring
And we can get it on